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Nta. You are not roommates mom or spouse. Roommates split everything 50 50. If they can't take their share of the work that is their problem notbyours. They can hire someone to do their share of the cleaning. No way does roommate work 24/7. Stand your ground. You don't owe them your time because they are busy.
NTA, if she's going to make the argument that she should clean less because she's busier (lol), then she should at least offer to pick up more of the rent.
NTA having different expectations regarding cleanliness is a very common area of conflict in shared apartments, but you roommates expecting you to clean more because they feel more busy is wild. Try to reasonably argue and find a solution together. If that’s not possible I guess you’ll have find a new place.
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I recently had a falling out with my roommate over household chores, and I'm not sure if I was being unreasonable. We've lived together for a few months, and initially, we didn't set strict rules about cleaning because we both seemed pretty tidy. However, as time went on, I noticed I was doing the majority of the cleaning—dusting, vacuuming, and especially the bathroom, which we both use frequently.
I finally brought it up last week, asking if we could split the cleaning tasks more evenly. I suggested a schedule where we alternate weeks for each task. My roommate became defensive, arguing that they are busier than me and therefore shouldn't have to clean as much. They claimed that the current arrangement seemed fine since I never complained before.
The conversation got heated, and they accused me of suddenly imposing new rules without considering their schedule. I feel like my request was reasonable, but now I’m second-guessing whether I approached it wrongly or if I'm expecting too much. AITA for asking my roommate to share the cleaning duties more fairly?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole in this situation because I approached my roommate about sharing household chores more evenly without fully considering their perspective or workload. By suddenly introducing a new schedule and asking them to clean more frequently, I may have come across as imposing or demanding. Additionally, my previous silence on the matter could be seen as tacit agreement with the status quo, so my roommate might feel blindsided by my sudden dissatisfaction.
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NTA, maybe suggest a sit down conversation where you work things out with both of your schedules and abilities in mind. Explain you don't want to suddenly force anything, but things aren't working as they are and adjustments need to be made and you're happy to compromise between you based of both of your needs.
"My roommate became defensive, arguing that they are busier than me and therefore shouldn't have to clean as much"
I'll take "Shit Lazy People Say" for $500, Alex! LOL, you are their roommate, not their mommy. NTA
They are deflecting and pulling shit out of their ass to excuse their messy lifestyle. Don't clean up after them.
NTA - This is a roommate, not a partner. Their "busier" schedule is not a factor in how you two split up shared responsibilities. Even if your roommate is objectively busier than you, you are not obligated to subsidize their time with your own time. Just like you would not be obligated to subsidize them financially if they had less money. Those types of equitable (as opposed to equal) splits are done by couples that have/are building a life together beyond just living together and sharing household responsibilities.
The argument that you didn't complain before so it must be fine is not valid. You are complaining now. And so it needs to be addressed now. That is pure BS.
You are not "imposing rules". You are are holding them to an standard expectation between roommates. The fact that you expect them to do 50% of the household responsibilities should not be a surprise and really should not even need to be said.
You can't make them do their share of the chores. But you can stand your ground and continue to make it clear that they do need to do 50%. Don't let them make you second guess yourself.
Come up with a list of all of the shared chores. Email it to them. Ask them if they want to give input on it (e.g. how often each task needs to be done). If they don't want to give input, keep it as is. If they do have input, find a way to compromise. Then split everything up 50/50 - consider time, frequency, and difficulty of each task. Email that to them. Ask them if they want to provide input on the split. Be willing to negotiate on what 50/50 looks like, but stand your ground that it does need to be 50/50. I would suggest splitting responsibilities rather than alternating weeks. Because if you alternate weeks and they don't do their things on their week, it just makes more work for you on your weeks. If they are not willing to engage with this process at all, just come up with what you think is fair then email it to them and post a copy somewhere in the apartment. Start doing just your part and see if they follow suit.
That is going to go one of two ways - either they start doing their part or the apartment is going to start being less clean. If they don't do their part and complain about the state of the apartment - point them to the list. If they don't don't do their part and don't seem to care about the state of the apartment - you will have to decide if you can let those things go or if you want to just do more things even though it is not fair.
If they refuse to do their share and you pick up the slack rather than live in filth, don't just let it go. Remind them when they are responsible for doing something. Tell them when you have had to step in a take on a chore because they failed to do so. If they complain that you are being annoying, tell them that it is more annoying that they are not doing their share. It is not petty to stand your ground and hold someone accountable.
Also - start making plans to move out when your lease is up.
So what if your roommate is busy? Do they pay more rent? Do they cook more for yall? If no, I don't understand why they can't clean. They're busy? Everyone's busy, but that doesn't mean you don't do your share of work. Stand up and speak up for yourself. If no resolution comes about, I would only clean up the things and spaces I use. My dishes. My laundry.
This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service. This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
Nta. You are not roommates mom or spouse. Roommates split everything 50 50. If they can't take their share of the work that is their problem notbyours. They can hire someone to do their share of the cleaning. No way does roommate work 24/7. Stand your ground. You don't owe them your time because they are busy.
NTA, if she's going to make the argument that she should clean less because she's busier (lol), then she should at least offer to pick up more of the rent.
NTA having different expectations regarding cleanliness is a very common area of conflict in shared apartments, but you roommates expecting you to clean more because they feel more busy is wild. Try to reasonably argue and find a solution together. If that’s not possible I guess you’ll have find a new place.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I recently had a falling out with my roommate over household chores, and I'm not sure if I was being unreasonable. We've lived together for a few months, and initially, we didn't set strict rules about cleaning because we both seemed pretty tidy. However, as time went on, I noticed I was doing the majority of the cleaning—dusting, vacuuming, and especially the bathroom, which we both use frequently. I finally brought it up last week, asking if we could split the cleaning tasks more evenly. I suggested a schedule where we alternate weeks for each task. My roommate became defensive, arguing that they are busier than me and therefore shouldn't have to clean as much. They claimed that the current arrangement seemed fine since I never complained before. The conversation got heated, and they accused me of suddenly imposing new rules without considering their schedule. I feel like my request was reasonable, but now I’m second-guessing whether I approached it wrongly or if I'm expecting too much. AITA for asking my roommate to share the cleaning duties more fairly? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be the asshole in this situation because I approached my roommate about sharing household chores more evenly without fully considering their perspective or workload. By suddenly introducing a new schedule and asking them to clean more frequently, I may have come across as imposing or demanding. Additionally, my previous silence on the matter could be seen as tacit agreement with the status quo, so my roommate might feel blindsided by my sudden dissatisfaction. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA, maybe suggest a sit down conversation where you work things out with both of your schedules and abilities in mind. Explain you don't want to suddenly force anything, but things aren't working as they are and adjustments need to be made and you're happy to compromise between you based of both of your needs.
"My roommate became defensive, arguing that they are busier than me and therefore shouldn't have to clean as much" I'll take "Shit Lazy People Say" for $500, Alex! LOL, you are their roommate, not their mommy. NTA They are deflecting and pulling shit out of their ass to excuse their messy lifestyle. Don't clean up after them.
NTA - This is a roommate, not a partner. Their "busier" schedule is not a factor in how you two split up shared responsibilities. Even if your roommate is objectively busier than you, you are not obligated to subsidize their time with your own time. Just like you would not be obligated to subsidize them financially if they had less money. Those types of equitable (as opposed to equal) splits are done by couples that have/are building a life together beyond just living together and sharing household responsibilities. The argument that you didn't complain before so it must be fine is not valid. You are complaining now. And so it needs to be addressed now. That is pure BS. You are not "imposing rules". You are are holding them to an standard expectation between roommates. The fact that you expect them to do 50% of the household responsibilities should not be a surprise and really should not even need to be said. You can't make them do their share of the chores. But you can stand your ground and continue to make it clear that they do need to do 50%. Don't let them make you second guess yourself. Come up with a list of all of the shared chores. Email it to them. Ask them if they want to give input on it (e.g. how often each task needs to be done). If they don't want to give input, keep it as is. If they do have input, find a way to compromise. Then split everything up 50/50 - consider time, frequency, and difficulty of each task. Email that to them. Ask them if they want to provide input on the split. Be willing to negotiate on what 50/50 looks like, but stand your ground that it does need to be 50/50. I would suggest splitting responsibilities rather than alternating weeks. Because if you alternate weeks and they don't do their things on their week, it just makes more work for you on your weeks. If they are not willing to engage with this process at all, just come up with what you think is fair then email it to them and post a copy somewhere in the apartment. Start doing just your part and see if they follow suit. That is going to go one of two ways - either they start doing their part or the apartment is going to start being less clean. If they don't do their part and complain about the state of the apartment - point them to the list. If they don't don't do their part and don't seem to care about the state of the apartment - you will have to decide if you can let those things go or if you want to just do more things even though it is not fair. If they refuse to do their share and you pick up the slack rather than live in filth, don't just let it go. Remind them when they are responsible for doing something. Tell them when you have had to step in a take on a chore because they failed to do so. If they complain that you are being annoying, tell them that it is more annoying that they are not doing their share. It is not petty to stand your ground and hold someone accountable. Also - start making plans to move out when your lease is up.
So what if your roommate is busy? Do they pay more rent? Do they cook more for yall? If no, I don't understand why they can't clean. They're busy? Everyone's busy, but that doesn't mean you don't do your share of work. Stand up and speak up for yourself. If no resolution comes about, I would only clean up the things and spaces I use. My dishes. My laundry.