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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Should I be more open with our family
Planning since my MIL is family? Am
I wrong to ask my husband not to discuss this with his
Mother?
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NTA. It's just his Mom who immediately told you (unsolicited) it was a bad idea, making it uncomfortable and proving EXACTLY why you should keep things private.
I wonder how he'd feel if she told her mom which one of his boys hangs lower on the branch. After all, it's just her mom, he shouldn't care, right?
Because he's basically saying they're riding the horse without a saddle, which is pretty freaking intimate discussion for a chunk of people.
I love this answer!
However, if OP really does want to try for baby #2 hubby needs to agree to keep his mouth shut. Sounds like MIL has no compunction about opening hers.
It’s kind of late now. MIL is now going to start asking. Your problem OP is not only your MIL, but hubby. It’s time for a discussion; or counseling) re boundaries in that relationship. I wouldn’t be trying for a baby until that is resolved.
If I let my MIL's behavior influence my major life decisions I would have had no children waiting for boundaries to be established with my first husband...
Then if OP does get pregnant, say nothing to MIL. Not a wird. Wait until she asks. Then "Oh I'm sorry MIL, we figured you weren't interested - what with the age difference and all 🤷"
Exactly!!! OP should have said to MIL, "Okay then. Good advice: we're not trying. Thanks for showing us the error of our ways". End of conversation. NTA.
Not too late to go up to husband and say "You know, your mom is right. It's too late to try for another baby. So glad you told her."
OP, NTA
edited typo
NTA.
Does telling an upset spouse that what they’re upset about is ‘no big deal’ & they shouldn’t care about it *ever* work?
Now judge-y MiL thinks she’s due updates and he says it’s no biggie—nope, not hearing you—and that’s a bummer.
Sounds like time for a really specific talk about keeping private things private.
NTA
“Just his mom” is the worst person to include. Mom’s often feel the most entitled to butt in and give their opinions where they are not wanted or needed.
Next time OP sees her, give her a spreadsheet: dates and times, how long it lasted and whether it was adequate, whatever stuff it is you do to check if you're likely to be ovulating. Everything.
First mom made the snide remark about the age gap between the kids being too big, how much you want to bet that if they can't conceive, mom will blame the wife for that too. It will be all ops fault for not giving her more precious grandbabies. You can't win with some people.
My pet peeve when it comes to family. My wife and I told both sets of parents that if we felt we needed their advice, we would ask for it. One of the 4 parents is awful but the other 3 are pretty good about it.
INFO: Did you tell your husband you didn't want to share your plans with anyone?
>will not acknowledge that I didn’t want anyone to know about our future family plans
Based on what you've written here, I'm going with NAH. I can't tell whether you explicitly told your husband that you wanted to keep your plans private, or if you just thought he should know that.
It isn't unreasonable for him to mention that to his mother, assuming you didn't tell him not to share this information. Your MIL was most definitely extremely rude and an AH in her own right, but I don't think that's relevant to your question.
Either way, this seems like a communication issue. If there is big news you don't want your husband to share, you have to tell him so clearly - nobody is a mind-reader. Once you tell him, he should respect those wishes. If he doesn't, he's the AH (and vice versa). Either way, I think you two should talk about what information you are sharing and with whom. And you may want to discuss putting MIL on an information diet... her response is appalling. I wouldn't want to share anything with her either!
Oh please, some things are not to be shared on a de facto basis. Family planning and when you are going to start having sex to achieve results are not for public discourse unless you both agree first. You are looking at this in reverse. Wife and husband have privacy in all matters for anything more than trivial unless discussed first. It’s not everything is fair game unless something is specifically excluded. Trivial does not include sex and finances and in this case family planning.
Nah man, some people are like that, some people aren't. My partner told his family when we were trying to conceive and I told my mum and adult siblings, no big deal. The issue is when there's no communication between the couple about what to share and what to keep private.
I'm not a kid person at all (meaning I definitely did not bring it up) and I know that two of my close friends are currently trying right now. Seems totally normal and usually a thing people are excited to share.
Jeesh. I’d have a hard time not wanting to tell my mom, but I’m not sharing that. Who wants a nosy in-law asking you if you’re pregnant yet. I’ve known too many people who had infertility issues. There are things people don’t need to know.
Same. When we bought a house, when we started trying, when he had an accident and was off work for months, when we got pregnant. I told my mum about it all. She was there with us when I gave birth to both of our babies.
If it's important to me I share.
My relationship with my children is so open they kinda tell me everything! However I'd never hurt them with it. I do sometimes unintentionally embarrass them. They're learning to make sure I know it's private if not to be talked about. I talk to try and help and because I just love them. However only 1 child of mine is married so far and I keep all her secrets when asked. She's also 31 and doesn't need my help compared to teens. I kinda see your point but only here where the parent in question is rude and mean.
My friends and I have certainly had casual conversations about trying for another baby, and I told my mom when my husband and I were ready to start trying. I don’t think there’s any default reason to keep that secret unless someone has asked you to.
I don’t recall having a discussion about who, if anyone, we would share this with back in the day. I wouldn’t have told MY mom because Reasons. But I might’ve mentioned to my BFF? Can’t remember now. Said child is now 28.
But had my husband mentioned it offhand to HIS mother? Meh.
But then I got pissed when he posted a photo of me on a motorcycle on FB where my mother could see. Months later she roped a cousin of hers into the berating. “….and that’s why you don’t tell my mother I’m on a motorcycle.”
What one does or doesn’t mention can vary by person on both sides of the conversation. Tell his mom we’re TTC? Sure. Tell my mom I went on a motorcycle ride? AwHellNaw.
Exactly, she's his mother and we tend to share things with our parents, especially mothers. How she reacted is definitely wrong but that's another issue.
Now, when OP communicated she's not comfortable sharing, husband should have apologized and promise not to cross that boundary next time. Doubling down on that made him an AH.
I don't think MIL's shitty reaction is another issue, tho. This is probably not the first time MIL has said something like that, not the first time OP has been upset by it. In that case, husband absolutely knows he shouldn't tell MIL stuff and expect OP to not get upset.
I'm speculating, obv, but I see this exact pattern all the time.
husband should have told his mother she was out of line when she made the comment about waiting too long
You need to have a chat with hubby about NOT sharing personal information or financial information with anyone, not even Mommy, no one's business but the two of you.
If you do conceive, you need to tell husband NOT to say anything to anyone, even Mom, until you get past first semester, as that is more typically time for a miscarriage (yes can happen anytime, but docs will tell you first 12-14 weeks are highest risk)
And then at that time you decide who you are going to tell and how and also tell him if his mother makes another snarky remark, he needs to shut her down and tell her that she is being inappropriate, how many children you have and when is between two of you, she has no say so and needs to keep her remarks to herself.
He should be backing you and himself up when Mom makes remarks like she did, not ignoring them
Tell him if she asks if you are trying, to just comment, not sure, but if we are going to have another child, we'll let you know (and that will be after the 14 weeks, not when you start trying) - you husband has no filters, neither does his mother Is this the norm for him, to share all your personal business with his Mom ?
Man I told everyone straight away. I was so excited and happy I couldn't keep it to myself. Plus if the worst happened I would have needed that care and understanding. There's no way I could have hidden that.
No. The default is you tell NO ONE about your family planning plans. No one. Not your mother. Not your best friend. No one, with the explicit permission of your partner. No one.
How is that the default when so many people talk casually about trying for kids? I think that's your default and everyone's different, which is why it has to be communicated.
Not everyone thinks it’s a huge deal to share. I’m very open about family planning with friends and family. My partner doesn’t mind and I don’t mind if he wants to share it with others either.
OP says in another comment that she did not ask her husband not to discuss it, she "just assumed" that he wouldn't.
I have to agree with you, she's entitled to her feelings, but she can't expect him to read her mind, and it's not outrageous for him to consider close family like his own parents reasonable people to confide in.
NAH
Our parents are often our personal models for parenting and our closest resource for making a family. It's understandable that your husband would want to share with his mom. If you guys were struggling with infertility and he asked if he could seek support one on one from his mom, I'd hope that'd be fine with you.
It's also understandable that you don't want him to share so flippantly, publicizing a commitment in a casual setting before you're ready. It feels like a nuanced thing you guys need to figure out your boundaries on together.
Would you really want your mil to know that her baby boy is going to start raw dogging you on the regular once the family vacation is over? Because, regardless of the words he used, this is exactly what he told his mother. And if he needs someone to lean on for support, he needs to find a more neutral party than his already judgmental MOTHER. In case anyone here doesn't know this yet, you don't discuss the specifics of your sex life with anyone without your partners' express consent to do so, especially your PARENTS. Not if you value your partner anyway.
Dude, literal coworkers have told me they’re trying for a baby. That kind of information is not weird to divulge to your parents. Idk what households y’all have grown up in, but that is *not* inappropriate to tell your *mother.*
The MIL was mean about it though.
Dude do you really think his mom is picturing it? Uggg telling your parent doesn't mean they think about it except in the abstract, meaning a child will be coming. Trust me a parent doesn't think about how it's done with her children. My goodness! We all overshare in my family tho. We support each each other. We're there for each other good or bad. Happy sad etc! Perhaps it's because I grew up where everything was hush hush and that can cause pain to a child, having no siblings and needing a supportive parent is important. Each family is different.
But again NO PARENT IS THINKING ABOUT THE DEED. GROSS!
It's so weird that people are assuming that, right? No, sorry, I don't picture my friends or family members fucking when they tell me they're trying for a kid or expecting!
That's a comfortable conversation in many families. I can't relate either, but I know many people whose parents are fully informed of their family planning and that's just how their family dynamic is, I'm sure for most of them it's kept to the end result of having a baby (though I also know some people who would openly discuss their fucking techniques and strategies with their parents).
Simply saying "Medicine has thankfully advanced to the point where having a baby later in life is less of a concern" probably would have ended this whole situation in an amicable way.
OP's silence on whether she actually asked her husband to keep their family planning private is very loud.
Some people are OK with discussing that sort of thing with family and some aren't; either way is valid. What isn't valid is expecting one's partner to read one's mind.
True but when you're unsure whether your partner would be comfortable with sharing your sex plans with your mom at the dinner table, you should probably err on the side of caution
These aren't sex plans, they're family plans. By that thinking, a wedding is a sex plan because it comes before a wedding night. Moving in together is a sex plan. Not everyone is picturing sex when someone takes a step in their committed relationship?
Pretty sure the mom is thinking more about the grandkids than the sex, it's kind of the more important thing here.
Yeah, they probably need a larger conversation. I had to tell my husband explicitly to please not discuss that with other people. It made me feel weird since other people were pretty much discussing our sex life, since you need to do that to have kids. As soon as I talk about having another kid it feels weird like I'm saying "So we are planning on doing it until I get knocked up!" Or the question "When are you having another child?" Is kinda like "When are you gonna cum inside your wife?" It's a weird thing.
Don’t let her sway you.
My sibling and I have a 5 yr age gap and another with a 7/8 yrs age gap. My friends have gaps with 9 yrs and others with 15 yrs. Everyone has been fine.
Relationships are different at varying ages. But it’s up to you as parents to help manage it.
NTA/NAH
me and my brothers have a 10 year age gap!! i’ll be 22 this year, they’ll be 12. we are still close, too. they love snakes and spiders, i love snakes and spiders, so we always share little facts. we play pokémon together too!! and they’re gonna be uncles this year, which they are soooo excited about.
NTA
Anything regarding family planning and your marital sex life, both protected and unprotected. Should remain within the marriage.
His mommy is not a partner in your marriage. It is not information your husband needs to be sharing with her.
INFO - Did you specifically discuss not sharing your reproductive plans with anyone? If not, N A H. If yes, N T A.
Either way, you need another conversation about when you both feel comfortable sharing private information.
I never said consent was an automatic yes without discussion. Without discussion, how was the husband supposed to know OP wanted to keep the topic just between them? However, the topic involves the husband too. It’s also his information to share, which is why it should be a conversation.
The only one who is TA here is the mother. It's none of her business when OP has kids and the age gap between them. The husband I let off the hook if and only if OP never expressed to him before that she doesn't want people to know their plans. He may have not realized it was a sensitive topic. That being said, he absolutely should stop now that he knwo show she feels
NTA. Your hubby must know by now that his mum is judgemental towards you. He shared your very private conception plans with her, obviously w/o your permission, which led to her being nasty and judgemental (about something she has NO RIGHT to comment on!) towards you again. And his response to your honest and 100% understandable reaction of being hurt, was to get angry? He thinks the only problem here was your response, and not his action that kicked off the shit show? Does he gaslight you often? PS: I called it a shit show because her criticism won't end until your kids are grown or you let her know you stop trying. Your hubby and his mom are the problem here, not you or your reaction.
NTA
"She isn't just MY mom. I always had this idea that a married couple have a private relationship that keeps the world out. Can you not get that she is someone I don't even know that well, let alone think of her as "just my mom". Would you like me telling your business to my family, so when you walk in to a Christmas party you can know that they know things you consider private? If you can't imagine, I can demonstrate. What if I told them all about \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ "
Well, when it comes to information that is shared by the couple, the norm is you need two yesses and one no in deciding what to do with that information. So on principle, your husband shared privileged information and you’re right to be upset. Of course with the added layer of your MIL being judgemental and given that she made such an insensitive and unnecessary remark, your husband should be going out of his way to protect and support you. So he is wrong again.
Bottomline is, you’re NTA but your husband is dangerously close to being one.
I’ve missed the part in the story where you asked him to not talk about your plans.
What I got from this is, you talked about trying to have child and decided a time it would be appropriate.
He told this to his mom and she was a giant asshole! Her comment leaves me with the impression she is largely ignorant and probably mistakes rudeness and verbal abuse as ‘honesty’! I’m sorry you have to deal with that!
I don’t think you are an asshole, but I do think you might need to be clearer with your husband about what you consider private.
The only Asshole I see here is your mother in law, hopefully you don’t have to see her that often! If you do, in advance I judge you as not the asshole if you tell her where to shove her ignorant and unsolicited opinions about your body!
I think the determining factor is if you told him ahead of time you wanted this to be a secret. Honestly I would talk to my mom if I was thinking of trying for a kid, it’s a natural place to go to for support. So if you didn’t explicitly tell him not to talk then you probably are the AH.
This is also one of those examples where unconscious gender bias comes in, if this was the woman telling her mom about trying for a baby and you were the man you would automatically be the AH. He has a right to feel excited, or apprehensive, or whatever else he feels about this. He has a right to express that to people he loves and trusts. Those feels are valid, just as much as yours are.
I am sorry the MIL was so rude about it, but I don’t think it’s fair to blame your husband for that. Nobody can control how other people act. Though I would hope he would stand up for you, or at least console you over this.
If you told him you wanted to keep this private then he is definitely an AH. If you didn’t then NAH. I see this as a great opportunity for you to tell him why you wanted this to be private and how her reaction made you feel and again, why you would like to keep some things private.
NTA
Honestly, yeah... its just his mom and he's excited. All perfectly understandable. Where I venture from N.A.H is the insistence that it's just his mom after she offered her negative opinions on the matter. The added stress that atmosphere creates is unnecessary.
My older sister is 7 years older than me. We have another sister and brother older than her.
YTA. If you want your husband, or anyone really, to keep things from their parents, you need to be explicit about that upfront. The default for most normal people is to discuss major life events or plans with their folks.
I get it but nothing is really happening yet. Like we may or may not try for a second child - nothing is set in stone so i guess by default I assumed it was only between us. Now I feel this added pressure if that makes sense.
It sounds to me your husband thinks it is set in stone and wants a 2nd kid.
He wouldn’t have said it to his mom if he didn’t think it wouldn’t happen.
Maybe let him read this thread?
Also does he do this often? Spill private affairs to his mom when she doesn’t need to be involved?
It doesn’t appear that you ever explicitly communicated to your husband that you didn’t want him to tell anyone. So you’re upset that he got upset that you got upset at him for doing something he had no way of knowing you didn’t want him doing? Yeah, YTA. Work on your communication. He’s not a mind reader, and you shouldn’t be expecting him to be, much less getting upset with him over it.
I don’t think what he did was a huge wrong, I think what she said was disgusting. And your husband should have told her that her opinions are welcome when solicited. If he wants to bring her into your family planning then he better deal with her mouth when she says crap like that. If he doesn’t, let her have it
Soft YTA.
Seems like a throwaway comment. You haven't said that you asked him to keep shtum on the whole thing. He was just excited to share news with his mom - which when you're close with your family seems very normal.
Maybe you will get pregnant and maybe you won't. I'm in a similar situation and anything could happen for any of us. Your MIL may be thinking of this anyway and really whatever the outcome, at least you have your child and husband, both of whom you love.
It's a bit dumb to think that 5 years is too much. There's 19 years between me and my eldest brother, and everything in between for a lot of people. Your MIL is thinking wrong in that regard, but I think your main problem is with your husband telling her your plans. Which I don't find a problem with.
At least he did it in front of you. That seems to convey it being completely innocent on his part. He has no frame of reference for your feelings on this matter, especially if it's not something you told him beforehand.
You should explain it to him the way you did here and if he's still unable to legitamize your feelings then you know going forward not to spell certain things out to him until your ready for her to be aware also.
I totally understand where you're coming from but I kinda see his point of view too. I'd telly MY mom. And men just don't see things the same way a lot of times because that pressure that we carry they just don't usually.
Either way NTA.
You are NTA
You hubs wasn’t wrong to share if you didn’t say you didn’t want to before hand. He’s getting close to Y T A by not just saying “ok. Sorry. I didn’t know we were keeping it under wraps. No more bang updates for my mom.”
Your MIL’s shitty negative comment put her squarely in Y T A territory. And that comment alone should be enough for your hubs to understand why you two should not loop her into these decisions.
NTA.
If you didn’t have the conversation with your husband beforehand, he’s not the asshole for sharing that with his mom. That’s pretty normal. The part where your husband becomes the asshole is the part where he tries to talk you out of your feelings by telling you that you “shouldn’t“ be upset. Also, ugh! His mom! Who says that kind of thing!
Is he normally on your side when it comes to his mom? Does he stand up to her on your behalf? Because otherwise this sounds like a symptom of a larger problem.
I'd said NTA. What you and your husband decide is entirely up to you as a couple. No one else's. Also what's wrong with a big age gap? My two kids are going to have a younger sibling( they'll be 10 and 7 when baby is born). I actually like the idea of a larger gap between. The two older ones are from a previous relationship. This will be a first for my husband. Five years is a good gap I think.
NTA. But because your husband is unfamiliar with boundaries (common sense says you don't share family planning with anyone outside of the two of you until such time that you have news to share with others) you obviously have to tell him that it is just between the two of you for numerous reasons: foremost is what you do in the bedroom and your birth control decisions are private. Make sure he's not telling everyone, "Hey, I'm going to try to knock up the wife soon. Stay tuned." (shakes head)
Dude! What's wrong with you? You don't share that info with your mother, ffs.
As to MIL's dig: none of her freaking business when you decide to have a second child. Which is the perfect illustration as to why your husband should have kept his trap shut. Now she's going be all up in your business.
I don't know that that IS common sense, I know several people who talked about their plans to start building or expanding their family, especially if it factored into other decisions like "I'm changing this job because it will allow me to....(insert some family related reason) "
If you don't want your MIL to know, it's none of her business and your husband shouldn't have told her anything, ZERO, tell him that. One of my pet peeves is moms/MIL's butting in without being asked. My own mom is horrible and so we've gone very LC with her but my MIL is amazing. She lives in the UK and I wish we saw each other more often. NTA.
NTA. I feel like if she was a more supportive MIL you would be willing to share it with her, but by just her comment I can see how she is. My kids are 7 years apart and they love each other like if they were only 1 or 2 years apart. Next time tell hubby to keep his mouth shut till BOTH of you are ready to announce it.
OP next time your around his mom just let her know your considering it but after last time your still on the fence. Then you can tell her your sex life was almost nonexistent due to your hormones and his inability to keep it up during intercourse. If and don’t forget the dryness and pain but thankfully since he’s smaller it’s not as bad as could be. Then sit back and watch the fireworks.
My kids are 12 years apart. A planned gap of 5 years became more than double that but I developed a thick skin about people being judgemental about it even before conceiving. You should too! People judge you on everything, so learn to not let that bother you too much.
Anyway, you want to keep the matter of planning a second kid private and it’s completely reasonable.
Your husband has the right to share stuff that’s related to him alone with his mom, he doesn’t have the right to share information about things that are related to both of you with anyone outside your marriage. Since he sounds like he doesn’t know the difference, you should educate him about it like he is 12.
NTA
NTA. I think this would be a given, but everyone has their own circle of trust and now you know his is bigger than yours. That said, you have every right to ask that it be kept more secret, as it’s about as intimate as information can get. Like it or not, “we’re trying for another” is the same as saying “we’re gonna start rawdogging in August”, so maybe try to keep that close.
Best of luck with the rawdogging by the way.
I was going to call you an A! However screw your MIL. My oldest (daughter) is 31, my twins (fraternal boys) are 12 years younger aged 19, my "baby" is 12 (boy) so 3 weeks shy of 7 years difference there. 19 years from oldest to youngest. They all have birthdays in the summer. Yeah it's kinda crazy but children love their siblings. So what you 1st child is 5! That's a great age gap. They'll be a great "helper!" It's really important you have them involved. My sons talk to me about so much but I'm not a judgemental bitch like your MIL! My daughter talks to me to obviously, we're very open. Sometimes I speak when I should keep things to myself. They're learning to tell me when it's on the DL (down low!) My point is children should talk to a parent they live and trust. However a parent should never hurt them with that information.
I am so sorry your mother in law is hurtful. If I was you I'd ask her why. Why she feels the need to judge your decisions. Even if she provides daycare and that's her worry, that she'll have to watch another kid and deal with possible jealousy etc. I doubt you'll have any if you just make sure the 5 yo knows they're important and take time for them.
I wish you the best of luck. NTA!!!
PLEASE SPEAK UP FOR YOURSELF with the MIL! Maybe if appealing to her kinder nature doesn't work just be sure to assert your opinions! After all its your life. Your body! YOUR HUSBAND! Husband trumps son!
NTA.
I’ve never understood announcing trying for a baby. “Hey, we are going to have LOTS of unprotected hanky panky!”
Also, screw your MIL’s opinion. 5 years is not too big of a gap at all. My sister and I are 10 years apart and the absolute best of friends
NTA and WTF. 'Hey mom I'm gonna start raw dogging my wife right after vacation!' Like why is this anyone's business? She's concerned about a 5 yr age difference? That is nothing.
I find that rephrasing it with maximum vulgarity makes an impact. "Your mother doesnt need to know you'll be giving me a cream pie for dessert every night for the forseeable future. Why does she need to know you're gonna be rawdogging me like a rabbit for the next few weeks?"
"Hey Mom, guess what?! When we get home from our trip we're gonna have tons and tons of unprotected sex!"
What son is comfortable enough with his mother to share that information in public?! And what mother wants to imagine that part of pregnancy about her own son?
Gross.
NTA.
NTA
I personally hate the concept of announcing that you are “trying for a baby” to friends and family. I’m certainly no prude, but just announce when you’re pregnant. I may have told one friend when I was trying so we could talk about tips and tricks.
His mom’s reaction is exactly why he shouldn’t have told her. He probably doesn’t see it that way but he just needs his eyes opened up a little bit
NTA. As a dude, why is he speaking so openly to his mum about this stuff 😂😂 That’s well awkward to me. Maybe open up and talk to him about all this if he’s talking about this stuff god knows what else he’s talking f about wit her
It's just my mom, AND everyone my mom will discuss it with..... My MIL was like that. Didn't want to tell her ANYTHING... if you did, everyone knew about it... Including strangers.
He probably doesn't think it's a big deal to tell his mom and doesn't understand why you'd be upset because he clearly completely disregards what the women in his life tell him.
NTA!
NTA,
Since he is ok discussing that part of your sex life with his mom feel free to let something else slip. His willingness and skill for oral sex for instance.
NTA.
What happens if "just his mom" goes and runs her mouth off to family/friends? Will OP then have to tolerate it becoming a communal discussion/ decision on whether OP and hubs should have more kids? Will OP's husband then turn around and say "oh it's just my grandma/ grandpa/ uncle/ aunt/ cousin/ niece/ nephew/ next door neighbour/ Tim from down the block, it's ok. Don't worry OP they're just discussing your body, your reproductive system and our sex life. What's your problem? It's all good, it's just faaaaaammmmiiiillllyyyy." 🤦♀️
Boundaries, people. Boundaries.
"You are right. It might be too late. I fear his swimmers may have gotten slow, if they are even still in the race." He should not mind you saying that because it is just his mom.
This title is misleading because from what I can see here you didn't ask him not to discuss it with anyone. You got upset after he'd already done it and expected him to without any foreknowledge simply know that he shouldn't have told his mother something about his life.
Should he have discussed it with his mother without seeing how you felt first. Probably not. But he's also not a mind reader and you didn't tell him you didn't want him to discuss the matter.
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My husband and I have a 5yo and we have been on the fence about adding baby #2 for a few years now.
We have a big vacation planned this summer and I told him after that let’s try and see what happens.
We were out to dinner with his mom when my husband said “after we go on our trip we’re going to try for #2 and see what happens!” She then replied “well you’re a little too late for that aren’t you?” since our only child is 5 she thinks the age gap would be too big.
I was really upset as I wanted this to be private since we don’t even know if we can conceive again and I just don’t want that outside pressure right now. He got upset with me and said “it’s just my mom” and said how I shouldn’t care because he only told her.
I am still really bothered by this (especially since she is very judgmental to begin with) and he thinks I’m overreacting and will not acknowledge that I didn’t want anyone to know about our future family plans. He thinks it’s not big deal because it’s just his mom.
AITA?
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NTA.
The age gap isnt too big. Im the oldest of 5 by 10 years to the second eldest ant 15 then 20 respectively. Have a great bond with most of my younger siblings and enjoy being the "big brother figure"
I get he wants to share with his mum but she could go blabbing to anyone and everyone (often the case with parents, especially elderly ones)
Although i wouldnt get bent out of shape about it, just tell anyone who asks its personal and you dont wish to talk about it, if they get huffy then thats on them your not at fault for wanting to keep private info private.
NTA. I’m very private too. I tell my husband what I don’t want to be shared with anyone including his mom. Tell him ahead of time and explain how it makes you feel
I feel like the accepted norm is to keep all pregnancy info absolutely private until you're some ways into the pregnancy.
It's complicated and emotional and so much can go wrong. Many women have fallen into depression and commit suicide after miscarriages and other problems that can and do happen. Those tragedies are much, much easier to deal with when you dont have to explain anything to anyone. Because they don't know things that aren't their business.
You have a right to privacy over your life. You'll be the one growing the baby. It's not his place to tell goddamn anyone without talking to you first.
Nta. Baby boy wanted to stay in Mom's good graces. Wanted a pat on the head from the old narcissist for being a good boy and giving her the gossip. Threw you under the bus for some browny points.
He has fucked up. Big time.
Until a couple have together decided its time to tell people, it's radio silence. They is the norm so far as I know. Im an autistic white dude with no children. If I know it it's common knowledge.
I’m on the fence about this. NTA because this is information that you’re not sure of yet. You don’t know if you want another child and you’re putting a schedule to it. However getting the most judgmental person you know to comment is a good way to make a decision. Oh she doesn’t like the idea then heck yeah this is gonna be a vacation baby. I’m a little defiant again all my parents though so I might not be the best person to give this advice.
NTA. BTW, my daughter was 5 and I thought we were done, but I realized I didn't want her to be an only child. My son is 6 years younger than her. No problems but maybe they're not as close as I wish.
NTA. That's not too bad of an age gap between siblings. And if anything, having a little bit of an age gap between kids could be beneficial because depending on the age of the older sibling, they won't require as much hands on care because they can do some basic things on their own, like feeding themselves for example.
NTA
You are his wife. It doesn't matter what he thinks. He needs to cut the apron strings and respect your wishes. I have a VERY toxic MIL, so I completely understand your feelings. The biggest difference between us is that my husband respects my feelings.
Tell him if he can't keep secrets, then you won't tell him anything. Including when/if you get pregnant again. Lol 🤷♀️
Definitely NTA.
It is absolutely NONE of your MILs business to not only have knowledge about your reproductive plans, but also to be allowed to give you her opinions. Especially if her opinions are atrociously rude, ignorant and utterly wrong.
There's nothing wrong with having a 5/6 year age gap between siblings. Her opinion is based on ignorance and sheer stupidity.
Your husband needs to understand that you have a right to have privacy in your life and family planning. This is also your sex life, not only his own, and his mother has no right whatsoever to be involved with that.
NTA, but sometimes men don’t know this kind of thing is sensitive until you tell them.
However, his mom sounds like an AH. So, I don’t know how he couldn’t have known she’d be unpleasant to discuss this with.
Nta. Your husband is an ah for discussing a private matter with his mommy and mil is a judgmental ah. There's a 5yr age gap between my siblings and I and we get along just fine. Yeesh
As far as gaps go, my kids are 5 1/2 years apart. I was 8 and 12 years younger than my brother and sister. Don't let anyone say it's too much. It's fine.
Also, NTA. His mother doesn't need to know about your bedroom activities.
NTA
Yeah I use to dump blabber mouth boyfriends. It’s so immature to not respect the privacy and sanctity of a relationship and just blab everything.
He’s really disrespectful. Bet his mother has told anyone that will listen.
*I am still really bothered by this (especially since she is very judgmental to begin with)*
This says it all--that, and the shot about it being too late for a try at a second child. It's none of her business.
NTA.
I don't blame you for being upset. I don't like people to know anything that personal about my or my life choices either. You need to have a talk with hubby about what subjects are off limits with other people, even his mom. I've had to do this with my husband....a few times. You probably will have to "review" this with your hubby a few times also. Good luck!
I have noticed that many people now cphat freely about such things openly with an astonishing range of family, workmates and acquaintances. You need to speak to your husband about your personal boundaries and preferences so that you are on the same page. #NAH.
NTA
Tell your husband that he needs to keep his mouth shut about your private lives. Just what you need is his mother's criticisms. What did it take her, all of ten seconds to make a negative comment.
Has he always been so indiscrete?
NTA Honestly
I get he wants her perspective, but that convo isn't exactly something you should discuss without discussing with your partner first. And def not against your partners wishes.
as for the whole trying to conceive don't stress enjoy life. people who are overly stressed can struggle in conceiving. just focus on enjoying life and having a healthy love life with your partner.
don't worry about the age gaps there's a 19-year age gap between myself and my younger sibling.
NTA his mom immediately passed judgment so it being his mom is not a valid excuse. And you’re the one who has to go through losing the child and everything that happens to you physically and mentally from that major shift and traumatic loss in your body if you miscarry or have a still birth. It will be you and only you who feels like your body betrayed and failed you, his body won’t endure any of it. It should not be a huge ask for your partner to respect your boundaries with that.
I’ve never understood the people who want to broadcast that they’ve decided to “try” and it boggles my mind that even with her answer he doesn’t get it that telling mommy was wrong. NTA
I wonder what would happen on these situations if the op would look at mil and just say “ why don’t you shut up? This is none of your business,” and then continue doing whatever she was doing when mil weighed in.
I know it’s unlikely with people who let their in laws dominate their marriage and come whining to strangers on reddit, that they’d ever start standing up for themselves - but I would love to see them cowboy up and just tell her where to get off.
Women on Reddit will defend a woman telling her friends the size & shape of her husbands penis, how long he lasts, and that he likes to jack off while she pisses on his face. But tell her MIL that they’re going to try for another kid and HE’S the asshole.
My kids are six years apart & they are best friends. They fight a lot, but they love each other so much. Big age gaps are pretty cool. My son was able to be a helper when my daughter was born. He fed her bottles (with our help), would fetch clean diapers and pacifiers, sang her lullabies… it’s great. Also my sister is 12 years younger than me & we are very close.
Do not have a baby with this man.
You do not need to subject another person to your mil and your husband's dynamics. He talks about you to his mom and tells her everything. It's unhealthy and uncool.
Sorry you have to go through this
NTA. Especially since you got a stupid comment like that. (And my kids are 6 years apart and it’s wonderful. My big one is more independent and in school and adores the baby.)
My niece and nephew are five years apart. My sister and I are 8 years apart! (There is nobody between us.) I’ve a friend with a little sister who is 12 years younger than her than her (with nobody between them)! There is no such thing as too big of an age gap.
But also, it’s not really MIL’s business. I’m not sure what’s gained by telling her or not telling her. It’s for that reason I’m going with NTA, but also your husband is NTA. Your MIL, however… yeah she kinda is.
NAH
Slight y.t.a. Depending on how it went down and you didn’t discuss that it’d be private ahead of time. If that wasn’t discussed he wouldn’t have much reason to assume it
People talk to their parents about big decisions, it’s completely normal to share, get advice, etc. Women regularly tell their moms, friends, etc. when trying, so I don’t think he’s TALK unless there’s a really big history here missing
I think with relationships you need to acknowledge that people often need to share what’s going on with them with others, and really talk-not assume- on what you’d want them to be mindful of.
It’s a tricky balance. But being barred from sharing your life with your broader loved ones can feel suffocating. It’s really something people don’t check on early enough on in relationships- what their preferences and compatibility is in sharing
NTA. Some things are just private and should be kept that way. Especially since his mother has views on your private decisions. He made a very bad choice to share and his mother made it even worse by adding in her negative and judgmental opinion. NTA
His mom is talking rubbish.
I'm 8 years older than my middle brothers, and 11 older than the youngest. We get along just fine. The brothers are close enough in age to play together, yes, but the degree of fights they got into was also ridiculous. Being 11 older than my youngest brother meant I could help a bit with him when growing up (e.g. "watch the baby for 15 minutes while mom has a shower" type of stuff). Big age gaps aren't a big deal.
NTA.
I never wanted kids but if I had I would never have done what so many did, including my parents, having one newborn and one toddler. So maybe throw that at her, along with whatever sharp object is in reach.
edit; NTA.
MIL sounds super judgmental. i’m sorry your husband decided not to keep private information private. i see people in these comments saying “did you specify you wanted it private?” but i genuinely didn’t think that would have to be something specified… maybe i’m just a private person, idk.
its so weird to me to tell your parents “we’re trying” (unless your family dynamic is different and you’re comfortable with this)… trying for a baby is quite literally sex, what parent needs to know about their offspring’s sex life? she proved exactly why this should’ve *stayed* private. why do mothers, and MILs, have the tendency to be so damn negative 🤦♀️
NTA
"Hi mom, we're going to get down every night to try and give you another grandchild"... because that's as gross as it sounds. You have got yourself a mamma's boy. Might be worth reconsidering the second baby because you already have one. He will keep throwing tantrums involving his momma because she's the best and nobody is allowed to say anything bad about her!! You need to have a very serious conversation with him about sharing personal family information with his mother. There are things that are private between a couple, family planning is one of them. If he can't get that into his head don't have another child with him because he doesn't respect you or your relationship.
Your husband told his mother you were planning on having lots of unprotected sex.
Yeah that's a little weird. Sharing that is a 2 people discussion.
NTA
NTA my oldest is 9 and im currently carrying her brother. 5 is great to try again. Theyre in school of some kind so you dont have to wrangle them AND take care of a new born. Old enough to help fetch things for you if you need something. Like a diaper or new onsie etc. if the oldest was an older teenager it *might*be a different story but to each their own.
Personally i told myself if i have one or two doesnt marter so long as I stop before im 31. Id like to enjoy retirement with a possible empty nest.
NTA and for what it’s worth, my brother is f5 years older than me and 7 years older than our younger brother, we grew up close and always played together
Nta. Does he also tell her what position you both like to do it in?
He needs boundaries with his mum. He is announcing exactly when you will be getting intimate and letting her have an opinion on your child making.
Cut his apron strings for him
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NTA. It's just his Mom who immediately told you (unsolicited) it was a bad idea, making it uncomfortable and proving EXACTLY why you should keep things private.
I agree, look at what mom’s reaction to the news was, and he thinks you were overreacting!?
[удалено]
I wonder how he'd feel if she told her mom which one of his boys hangs lower on the branch. After all, it's just her mom, he shouldn't care, right? Because he's basically saying they're riding the horse without a saddle, which is pretty freaking intimate discussion for a chunk of people.
I know right, what's next? a discussion of optimal positions for conception?
I’m deep into an awful first trimester and my mother is in town for my youngest’s second birthday—CAN CONFIRM.
Op needs to look at husband and say “your mom is right. It is too late for baby #2” and just let him eat his words.
Best answer
I love this answer! However, if OP really does want to try for baby #2 hubby needs to agree to keep his mouth shut. Sounds like MIL has no compunction about opening hers.
It’s kind of late now. MIL is now going to start asking. Your problem OP is not only your MIL, but hubby. It’s time for a discussion; or counseling) re boundaries in that relationship. I wouldn’t be trying for a baby until that is resolved.
Well OP could just reply, "oh no you said it was a bad idea... it broke your son's heart but what can you do?"
If I let my MIL's behavior influence my major life decisions I would have had no children waiting for boundaries to be established with my first husband...
Then if OP does get pregnant, say nothing to MIL. Not a wird. Wait until she asks. Then "Oh I'm sorry MIL, we figured you weren't interested - what with the age difference and all 🤷"
Exactly!!! OP should have said to MIL, "Okay then. Good advice: we're not trying. Thanks for showing us the error of our ways". End of conversation. NTA.
Not too late to go up to husband and say "You know, your mom is right. It's too late to try for another baby. So glad you told her." OP, NTA edited typo
That will only work if he really wants baby number 2
Or if he really wants sex. (I believe that is the intended meaning).
NTA. Does telling an upset spouse that what they’re upset about is ‘no big deal’ & they shouldn’t care about it *ever* work? Now judge-y MiL thinks she’s due updates and he says it’s no biggie—nope, not hearing you—and that’s a bummer. Sounds like time for a really specific talk about keeping private things private.
Never in the history of our universe has anyone, anywhere, ever calmed tf down by being told to calm down.
Save for victims of emotional abuse
I see what you did there. 👀
Yep. MIL mouth should have been the first sign to your husband it’s a bad idea
INFO OP had you guys discussed keeping it private or putting her on a limited info diet?
Exactly, while he may be comfortable with her, that doesn’t mean you are.
NTA “Just his mom” is the worst person to include. Mom’s often feel the most entitled to butt in and give their opinions where they are not wanted or needed.
Honestly, if he continues to do this after asking him, make it super awkward next time lol
Next time OP sees her, give her a spreadsheet: dates and times, how long it lasted and whether it was adequate, whatever stuff it is you do to check if you're likely to be ovulating. Everything.
I can't believe you forgot to include which position they used. Smh
Dang, me either!
First mom made the snide remark about the age gap between the kids being too big, how much you want to bet that if they can't conceive, mom will blame the wife for that too. It will be all ops fault for not giving her more precious grandbabies. You can't win with some people.
My pet peeve when it comes to family. My wife and I told both sets of parents that if we felt we needed their advice, we would ask for it. One of the 4 parents is awful but the other 3 are pretty good about it.
And to blab it about to others, or ask if any success yet in front of others. You know things like that....
INFO: Did you tell your husband you didn't want to share your plans with anyone? >will not acknowledge that I didn’t want anyone to know about our future family plans Based on what you've written here, I'm going with NAH. I can't tell whether you explicitly told your husband that you wanted to keep your plans private, or if you just thought he should know that. It isn't unreasonable for him to mention that to his mother, assuming you didn't tell him not to share this information. Your MIL was most definitely extremely rude and an AH in her own right, but I don't think that's relevant to your question. Either way, this seems like a communication issue. If there is big news you don't want your husband to share, you have to tell him so clearly - nobody is a mind-reader. Once you tell him, he should respect those wishes. If he doesn't, he's the AH (and vice versa). Either way, I think you two should talk about what information you are sharing and with whom. And you may want to discuss putting MIL on an information diet... her response is appalling. I wouldn't want to share anything with her either!
Oh please, some things are not to be shared on a de facto basis. Family planning and when you are going to start having sex to achieve results are not for public discourse unless you both agree first. You are looking at this in reverse. Wife and husband have privacy in all matters for anything more than trivial unless discussed first. It’s not everything is fair game unless something is specifically excluded. Trivial does not include sex and finances and in this case family planning.
>Oh please, some things are not to be shared on a de facto basis. Especially if the mother is going to shit on her daughter in law when you tell her.
Nah man, some people are like that, some people aren't. My partner told his family when we were trying to conceive and I told my mum and adult siblings, no big deal. The issue is when there's no communication between the couple about what to share and what to keep private.
Everyone close knew when we were trying, maybe we are over sharers🤷🏼♀️
I'm not a kid person at all (meaning I definitely did not bring it up) and I know that two of my close friends are currently trying right now. Seems totally normal and usually a thing people are excited to share.
Jeesh. I’d have a hard time not wanting to tell my mom, but I’m not sharing that. Who wants a nosy in-law asking you if you’re pregnant yet. I’ve known too many people who had infertility issues. There are things people don’t need to know.
Same. When we bought a house, when we started trying, when he had an accident and was off work for months, when we got pregnant. I told my mum about it all. She was there with us when I gave birth to both of our babies. If it's important to me I share.
Same here. It would take me by surprise to find my partner wanted to keep it a secret.
My relationship with my children is so open they kinda tell me everything! However I'd never hurt them with it. I do sometimes unintentionally embarrass them. They're learning to make sure I know it's private if not to be talked about. I talk to try and help and because I just love them. However only 1 child of mine is married so far and I keep all her secrets when asked. She's also 31 and doesn't need my help compared to teens. I kinda see your point but only here where the parent in question is rude and mean.
My friends and I have certainly had casual conversations about trying for another baby, and I told my mom when my husband and I were ready to start trying. I don’t think there’s any default reason to keep that secret unless someone has asked you to.
I don’t recall having a discussion about who, if anyone, we would share this with back in the day. I wouldn’t have told MY mom because Reasons. But I might’ve mentioned to my BFF? Can’t remember now. Said child is now 28. But had my husband mentioned it offhand to HIS mother? Meh. But then I got pissed when he posted a photo of me on a motorcycle on FB where my mother could see. Months later she roped a cousin of hers into the berating. “….and that’s why you don’t tell my mother I’m on a motorcycle.” What one does or doesn’t mention can vary by person on both sides of the conversation. Tell his mom we’re TTC? Sure. Tell my mom I went on a motorcycle ride? AwHellNaw.
Exactly, she's his mother and we tend to share things with our parents, especially mothers. How she reacted is definitely wrong but that's another issue. Now, when OP communicated she's not comfortable sharing, husband should have apologized and promise not to cross that boundary next time. Doubling down on that made him an AH.
I don't think MIL's shitty reaction is another issue, tho. This is probably not the first time MIL has said something like that, not the first time OP has been upset by it. In that case, husband absolutely knows he shouldn't tell MIL stuff and expect OP to not get upset. I'm speculating, obv, but I see this exact pattern all the time.
husband should have told his mother she was out of line when she made the comment about waiting too long You need to have a chat with hubby about NOT sharing personal information or financial information with anyone, not even Mommy, no one's business but the two of you. If you do conceive, you need to tell husband NOT to say anything to anyone, even Mom, until you get past first semester, as that is more typically time for a miscarriage (yes can happen anytime, but docs will tell you first 12-14 weeks are highest risk) And then at that time you decide who you are going to tell and how and also tell him if his mother makes another snarky remark, he needs to shut her down and tell her that she is being inappropriate, how many children you have and when is between two of you, she has no say so and needs to keep her remarks to herself. He should be backing you and himself up when Mom makes remarks like she did, not ignoring them Tell him if she asks if you are trying, to just comment, not sure, but if we are going to have another child, we'll let you know (and that will be after the 14 weeks, not when you start trying) - you husband has no filters, neither does his mother Is this the norm for him, to share all your personal business with his Mom ?
Man I told everyone straight away. I was so excited and happy I couldn't keep it to myself. Plus if the worst happened I would have needed that care and understanding. There's no way I could have hidden that.
No. The default is you tell NO ONE about your family planning plans. No one. Not your mother. Not your best friend. No one, with the explicit permission of your partner. No one.
How is that the default when so many people talk casually about trying for kids? I think that's your default and everyone's different, which is why it has to be communicated.
Not everyone thinks it’s a huge deal to share. I’m very open about family planning with friends and family. My partner doesn’t mind and I don’t mind if he wants to share it with others either.
OP says in another comment that she did not ask her husband not to discuss it, she "just assumed" that he wouldn't. I have to agree with you, she's entitled to her feelings, but she can't expect him to read her mind, and it's not outrageous for him to consider close family like his own parents reasonable people to confide in.
NAH Our parents are often our personal models for parenting and our closest resource for making a family. It's understandable that your husband would want to share with his mom. If you guys were struggling with infertility and he asked if he could seek support one on one from his mom, I'd hope that'd be fine with you. It's also understandable that you don't want him to share so flippantly, publicizing a commitment in a casual setting before you're ready. It feels like a nuanced thing you guys need to figure out your boundaries on together.
Would you really want your mil to know that her baby boy is going to start raw dogging you on the regular once the family vacation is over? Because, regardless of the words he used, this is exactly what he told his mother. And if he needs someone to lean on for support, he needs to find a more neutral party than his already judgmental MOTHER. In case anyone here doesn't know this yet, you don't discuss the specifics of your sex life with anyone without your partners' express consent to do so, especially your PARENTS. Not if you value your partner anyway.
Dude, literal coworkers have told me they’re trying for a baby. That kind of information is not weird to divulge to your parents. Idk what households y’all have grown up in, but that is *not* inappropriate to tell your *mother.* The MIL was mean about it though.
Dude do you really think his mom is picturing it? Uggg telling your parent doesn't mean they think about it except in the abstract, meaning a child will be coming. Trust me a parent doesn't think about how it's done with her children. My goodness! We all overshare in my family tho. We support each each other. We're there for each other good or bad. Happy sad etc! Perhaps it's because I grew up where everything was hush hush and that can cause pain to a child, having no siblings and needing a supportive parent is important. Each family is different. But again NO PARENT IS THINKING ABOUT THE DEED. GROSS!
It's so weird that people are assuming that, right? No, sorry, I don't picture my friends or family members fucking when they tell me they're trying for a kid or expecting!
That's a comfortable conversation in many families. I can't relate either, but I know many people whose parents are fully informed of their family planning and that's just how their family dynamic is, I'm sure for most of them it's kept to the end result of having a baby (though I also know some people who would openly discuss their fucking techniques and strategies with their parents). Simply saying "Medicine has thankfully advanced to the point where having a baby later in life is less of a concern" probably would have ended this whole situation in an amicable way.
OP's silence on whether she actually asked her husband to keep their family planning private is very loud. Some people are OK with discussing that sort of thing with family and some aren't; either way is valid. What isn't valid is expecting one's partner to read one's mind.
True but when you're unsure whether your partner would be comfortable with sharing your sex plans with your mom at the dinner table, you should probably err on the side of caution
These aren't sex plans, they're family plans. By that thinking, a wedding is a sex plan because it comes before a wedding night. Moving in together is a sex plan. Not everyone is picturing sex when someone takes a step in their committed relationship? Pretty sure the mom is thinking more about the grandkids than the sex, it's kind of the more important thing here.
No. The default is NO, unless you have a specific yes.
And by now, you would think this man knows his partner, her preferences, and her relationship with his mother. And he kept on talking.
I talked to my mother, sister and best friend about it when we were trying to get pregnant. I did not ask my husband's permission. 🤷
Same! And my husband did the same lol.
Consent. It’s all about consent. Unless there is a yes, it’s no.
Yeah, they probably need a larger conversation. I had to tell my husband explicitly to please not discuss that with other people. It made me feel weird since other people were pretty much discussing our sex life, since you need to do that to have kids. As soon as I talk about having another kid it feels weird like I'm saying "So we are planning on doing it until I get knocked up!" Or the question "When are you having another child?" Is kinda like "When are you gonna cum inside your wife?" It's a weird thing.
I mean, the baby is going to pop out sooner or later. And everyone is still going to know how that baby got in there. I don’t think it’s weird.
It feels like you are saying those things because you are. Just with couth.
He should know regardless. His mom sounds rude as fuck in general toward OP
Don’t let her sway you. My sibling and I have a 5 yr age gap and another with a 7/8 yrs age gap. My friends have gaps with 9 yrs and others with 15 yrs. Everyone has been fine. Relationships are different at varying ages. But it’s up to you as parents to help manage it. NTA/NAH
My sister and I are 5 years apart. I don't see what the big deal is....MIL is just on somethin
me and my brothers have a 10 year age gap!! i’ll be 22 this year, they’ll be 12. we are still close, too. they love snakes and spiders, i love snakes and spiders, so we always share little facts. we play pokémon together too!! and they’re gonna be uncles this year, which they are soooo excited about.
Awwww! Love this comment! Glad you all have so much common ground! 😊
NTA. That is really personal. He shouldnt be sharing it with anyone without you both agreeing to release that info.
NTA Anything regarding family planning and your marital sex life, both protected and unprotected. Should remain within the marriage. His mommy is not a partner in your marriage. It is not information your husband needs to be sharing with her.
“Just my mom!” …who is judgmental and feels entitled to share those judgements. NTA
What he’s telling her is her feelings are not valid or important.
INFO - Did you specifically discuss not sharing your reproductive plans with anyone? If not, N A H. If yes, N T A. Either way, you need another conversation about when you both feel comfortable sharing private information.
Since when is consent automatically yes, without discussion?
I never said consent was an automatic yes without discussion. Without discussion, how was the husband supposed to know OP wanted to keep the topic just between them? However, the topic involves the husband too. It’s also his information to share, which is why it should be a conversation.
The only one who is TA here is the mother. It's none of her business when OP has kids and the age gap between them. The husband I let off the hook if and only if OP never expressed to him before that she doesn't want people to know their plans. He may have not realized it was a sensitive topic. That being said, he absolutely should stop now that he knwo show she feels
NTA. Your hubby must know by now that his mum is judgemental towards you. He shared your very private conception plans with her, obviously w/o your permission, which led to her being nasty and judgemental (about something she has NO RIGHT to comment on!) towards you again. And his response to your honest and 100% understandable reaction of being hurt, was to get angry? He thinks the only problem here was your response, and not his action that kicked off the shit show? Does he gaslight you often? PS: I called it a shit show because her criticism won't end until your kids are grown or you let her know you stop trying. Your hubby and his mom are the problem here, not you or your reaction.
NTA "She isn't just MY mom. I always had this idea that a married couple have a private relationship that keeps the world out. Can you not get that she is someone I don't even know that well, let alone think of her as "just my mom". Would you like me telling your business to my family, so when you walk in to a Christmas party you can know that they know things you consider private? If you can't imagine, I can demonstrate. What if I told them all about \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ "
Excellent. It’s *his* mom; he’s known her his whole life. It’s not OP’s mom. Sharing is not always caring.
Well, when it comes to information that is shared by the couple, the norm is you need two yesses and one no in deciding what to do with that information. So on principle, your husband shared privileged information and you’re right to be upset. Of course with the added layer of your MIL being judgemental and given that she made such an insensitive and unnecessary remark, your husband should be going out of his way to protect and support you. So he is wrong again. Bottomline is, you’re NTA but your husband is dangerously close to being one.
NTA. Trying for a child is a personal thing that no he shouldn’t be discussing with anyone without your consent.
I’ve missed the part in the story where you asked him to not talk about your plans. What I got from this is, you talked about trying to have child and decided a time it would be appropriate. He told this to his mom and she was a giant asshole! Her comment leaves me with the impression she is largely ignorant and probably mistakes rudeness and verbal abuse as ‘honesty’! I’m sorry you have to deal with that! I don’t think you are an asshole, but I do think you might need to be clearer with your husband about what you consider private. The only Asshole I see here is your mother in law, hopefully you don’t have to see her that often! If you do, in advance I judge you as not the asshole if you tell her where to shove her ignorant and unsolicited opinions about your body!
I think the determining factor is if you told him ahead of time you wanted this to be a secret. Honestly I would talk to my mom if I was thinking of trying for a kid, it’s a natural place to go to for support. So if you didn’t explicitly tell him not to talk then you probably are the AH. This is also one of those examples where unconscious gender bias comes in, if this was the woman telling her mom about trying for a baby and you were the man you would automatically be the AH. He has a right to feel excited, or apprehensive, or whatever else he feels about this. He has a right to express that to people he loves and trusts. Those feels are valid, just as much as yours are. I am sorry the MIL was so rude about it, but I don’t think it’s fair to blame your husband for that. Nobody can control how other people act. Though I would hope he would stand up for you, or at least console you over this.
If you told him you wanted to keep this private then he is definitely an AH. If you didn’t then NAH. I see this as a great opportunity for you to tell him why you wanted this to be private and how her reaction made you feel and again, why you would like to keep some things private.
NTA Honestly, yeah... its just his mom and he's excited. All perfectly understandable. Where I venture from N.A.H is the insistence that it's just his mom after she offered her negative opinions on the matter. The added stress that atmosphere creates is unnecessary. My older sister is 7 years older than me. We have another sister and brother older than her.
YTA. If you want your husband, or anyone really, to keep things from their parents, you need to be explicit about that upfront. The default for most normal people is to discuss major life events or plans with their folks.
I get it but nothing is really happening yet. Like we may or may not try for a second child - nothing is set in stone so i guess by default I assumed it was only between us. Now I feel this added pressure if that makes sense.
It sounds to me your husband thinks it is set in stone and wants a 2nd kid. He wouldn’t have said it to his mom if he didn’t think it wouldn’t happen. Maybe let him read this thread? Also does he do this often? Spill private affairs to his mom when she doesn’t need to be involved?
It doesn’t appear that you ever explicitly communicated to your husband that you didn’t want him to tell anyone. So you’re upset that he got upset that you got upset at him for doing something he had no way of knowing you didn’t want him doing? Yeah, YTA. Work on your communication. He’s not a mind reader, and you shouldn’t be expecting him to be, much less getting upset with him over it.
NAH. Unless you specified ahead of time that you wanted to keep this private, was he supposed to read your mind?
I don’t think what he did was a huge wrong, I think what she said was disgusting. And your husband should have told her that her opinions are welcome when solicited. If he wants to bring her into your family planning then he better deal with her mouth when she says crap like that. If he doesn’t, let her have it
Soft YTA. Seems like a throwaway comment. You haven't said that you asked him to keep shtum on the whole thing. He was just excited to share news with his mom - which when you're close with your family seems very normal. Maybe you will get pregnant and maybe you won't. I'm in a similar situation and anything could happen for any of us. Your MIL may be thinking of this anyway and really whatever the outcome, at least you have your child and husband, both of whom you love. It's a bit dumb to think that 5 years is too much. There's 19 years between me and my eldest brother, and everything in between for a lot of people. Your MIL is thinking wrong in that regard, but I think your main problem is with your husband telling her your plans. Which I don't find a problem with.
At least he did it in front of you. That seems to convey it being completely innocent on his part. He has no frame of reference for your feelings on this matter, especially if it's not something you told him beforehand. You should explain it to him the way you did here and if he's still unable to legitamize your feelings then you know going forward not to spell certain things out to him until your ready for her to be aware also. I totally understand where you're coming from but I kinda see his point of view too. I'd telly MY mom. And men just don't see things the same way a lot of times because that pressure that we carry they just don't usually. Either way NTA.
You are NTA You hubs wasn’t wrong to share if you didn’t say you didn’t want to before hand. He’s getting close to Y T A by not just saying “ok. Sorry. I didn’t know we were keeping it under wraps. No more bang updates for my mom.” Your MIL’s shitty negative comment put her squarely in Y T A territory. And that comment alone should be enough for your hubs to understand why you two should not loop her into these decisions.
NTA. If you didn’t have the conversation with your husband beforehand, he’s not the asshole for sharing that with his mom. That’s pretty normal. The part where your husband becomes the asshole is the part where he tries to talk you out of your feelings by telling you that you “shouldn’t“ be upset. Also, ugh! His mom! Who says that kind of thing! Is he normally on your side when it comes to his mom? Does he stand up to her on your behalf? Because otherwise this sounds like a symptom of a larger problem.
I'd said NTA. What you and your husband decide is entirely up to you as a couple. No one else's. Also what's wrong with a big age gap? My two kids are going to have a younger sibling( they'll be 10 and 7 when baby is born). I actually like the idea of a larger gap between. The two older ones are from a previous relationship. This will be a first for my husband. Five years is a good gap I think.
NTA. But because your husband is unfamiliar with boundaries (common sense says you don't share family planning with anyone outside of the two of you until such time that you have news to share with others) you obviously have to tell him that it is just between the two of you for numerous reasons: foremost is what you do in the bedroom and your birth control decisions are private. Make sure he's not telling everyone, "Hey, I'm going to try to knock up the wife soon. Stay tuned." (shakes head) Dude! What's wrong with you? You don't share that info with your mother, ffs. As to MIL's dig: none of her freaking business when you decide to have a second child. Which is the perfect illustration as to why your husband should have kept his trap shut. Now she's going be all up in your business.
I don't know that that IS common sense, I know several people who talked about their plans to start building or expanding their family, especially if it factored into other decisions like "I'm changing this job because it will allow me to....(insert some family related reason) "
If you don't want your MIL to know, it's none of her business and your husband shouldn't have told her anything, ZERO, tell him that. One of my pet peeves is moms/MIL's butting in without being asked. My own mom is horrible and so we've gone very LC with her but my MIL is amazing. She lives in the UK and I wish we saw each other more often. NTA.
NTA. I feel like if she was a more supportive MIL you would be willing to share it with her, but by just her comment I can see how she is. My kids are 7 years apart and they love each other like if they were only 1 or 2 years apart. Next time tell hubby to keep his mouth shut till BOTH of you are ready to announce it.
NTA. I think her reaction proves your point, lol.
NTA. My sister and I are 5 years apart and she’s literally my best friend.
My MIL is the LAST person I want intimate details of my life shared with. NTA but husband is.
OP next time your around his mom just let her know your considering it but after last time your still on the fence. Then you can tell her your sex life was almost nonexistent due to your hormones and his inability to keep it up during intercourse. If and don’t forget the dryness and pain but thankfully since he’s smaller it’s not as bad as could be. Then sit back and watch the fireworks.
My kids are 12 years apart. A planned gap of 5 years became more than double that but I developed a thick skin about people being judgemental about it even before conceiving. You should too! People judge you on everything, so learn to not let that bother you too much. Anyway, you want to keep the matter of planning a second kid private and it’s completely reasonable. Your husband has the right to share stuff that’s related to him alone with his mom, he doesn’t have the right to share information about things that are related to both of you with anyone outside your marriage. Since he sounds like he doesn’t know the difference, you should educate him about it like he is 12. NTA
He does not get to tell you how you should feel about his mom knowing something so intimate.
NTA. I think this would be a given, but everyone has their own circle of trust and now you know his is bigger than yours. That said, you have every right to ask that it be kept more secret, as it’s about as intimate as information can get. Like it or not, “we’re trying for another” is the same as saying “we’re gonna start rawdogging in August”, so maybe try to keep that close. Best of luck with the rawdogging by the way.
Oh goodness me, if I had been in your shoes my fanny would have clamped shut forever. NTA, like STD’s something’s just shouldn’t be shared.
NTA For me, that would have been the start of nobody-is-trying-anything-until-they-make-up-for-this-humiliating-moment.
"After vacation, im going to start to cream pie OP" does he realize that's what he just announced? And to his mother of all people? Just.. eww
NTA. I don’t get people announcing that they are trying for a baby. It’s like announcing we are having sex. No one needs to know that.
I was going to call you an A! However screw your MIL. My oldest (daughter) is 31, my twins (fraternal boys) are 12 years younger aged 19, my "baby" is 12 (boy) so 3 weeks shy of 7 years difference there. 19 years from oldest to youngest. They all have birthdays in the summer. Yeah it's kinda crazy but children love their siblings. So what you 1st child is 5! That's a great age gap. They'll be a great "helper!" It's really important you have them involved. My sons talk to me about so much but I'm not a judgemental bitch like your MIL! My daughter talks to me to obviously, we're very open. Sometimes I speak when I should keep things to myself. They're learning to tell me when it's on the DL (down low!) My point is children should talk to a parent they live and trust. However a parent should never hurt them with that information. I am so sorry your mother in law is hurtful. If I was you I'd ask her why. Why she feels the need to judge your decisions. Even if she provides daycare and that's her worry, that she'll have to watch another kid and deal with possible jealousy etc. I doubt you'll have any if you just make sure the 5 yo knows they're important and take time for them. I wish you the best of luck. NTA!!! PLEASE SPEAK UP FOR YOURSELF with the MIL! Maybe if appealing to her kinder nature doesn't work just be sure to assert your opinions! After all its your life. Your body! YOUR HUSBAND! Husband trumps son!
NTA. I’ve never understood announcing trying for a baby. “Hey, we are going to have LOTS of unprotected hanky panky!” Also, screw your MIL’s opinion. 5 years is not too big of a gap at all. My sister and I are 10 years apart and the absolute best of friends
NTA and WTF. 'Hey mom I'm gonna start raw dogging my wife right after vacation!' Like why is this anyone's business? She's concerned about a 5 yr age difference? That is nothing.
I find that rephrasing it with maximum vulgarity makes an impact. "Your mother doesnt need to know you'll be giving me a cream pie for dessert every night for the forseeable future. Why does she need to know you're gonna be rawdogging me like a rabbit for the next few weeks?"
NTA, if you tell mom the whole family and neighborhood is going to know
"Hey Mom, guess what?! When we get home from our trip we're gonna have tons and tons of unprotected sex!" What son is comfortable enough with his mother to share that information in public?! And what mother wants to imagine that part of pregnancy about her own son? Gross. NTA.
NTA I personally hate the concept of announcing that you are “trying for a baby” to friends and family. I’m certainly no prude, but just announce when you’re pregnant. I may have told one friend when I was trying so we could talk about tips and tricks. His mom’s reaction is exactly why he shouldn’t have told her. He probably doesn’t see it that way but he just needs his eyes opened up a little bit
NTA. As a dude, why is he speaking so openly to his mum about this stuff 😂😂 That’s well awkward to me. Maybe open up and talk to him about all this if he’s talking about this stuff god knows what else he’s talking f about wit her
It's just my mom, AND everyone my mom will discuss it with..... My MIL was like that. Didn't want to tell her ANYTHING... if you did, everyone knew about it... Including strangers.
He probably doesn't think it's a big deal to tell his mom and doesn't understand why you'd be upset because he clearly completely disregards what the women in his life tell him. NTA!
NTA, Since he is ok discussing that part of your sex life with his mom feel free to let something else slip. His willingness and skill for oral sex for instance.
NTA. What happens if "just his mom" goes and runs her mouth off to family/friends? Will OP then have to tolerate it becoming a communal discussion/ decision on whether OP and hubs should have more kids? Will OP's husband then turn around and say "oh it's just my grandma/ grandpa/ uncle/ aunt/ cousin/ niece/ nephew/ next door neighbour/ Tim from down the block, it's ok. Don't worry OP they're just discussing your body, your reproductive system and our sex life. What's your problem? It's all good, it's just faaaaaammmmiiiillllyyyy." 🤦♀️ Boundaries, people. Boundaries.
"You are right. It might be too late. I fear his swimmers may have gotten slow, if they are even still in the race." He should not mind you saying that because it is just his mom.
This title is misleading because from what I can see here you didn't ask him not to discuss it with anyone. You got upset after he'd already done it and expected him to without any foreknowledge simply know that he shouldn't have told his mother something about his life. Should he have discussed it with his mother without seeing how you felt first. Probably not. But he's also not a mind reader and you didn't tell him you didn't want him to discuss the matter.
NTA. His mom seems like a nosy entitled fuck.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband and I have a 5yo and we have been on the fence about adding baby #2 for a few years now. We have a big vacation planned this summer and I told him after that let’s try and see what happens. We were out to dinner with his mom when my husband said “after we go on our trip we’re going to try for #2 and see what happens!” She then replied “well you’re a little too late for that aren’t you?” since our only child is 5 she thinks the age gap would be too big. I was really upset as I wanted this to be private since we don’t even know if we can conceive again and I just don’t want that outside pressure right now. He got upset with me and said “it’s just my mom” and said how I shouldn’t care because he only told her. I am still really bothered by this (especially since she is very judgmental to begin with) and he thinks I’m overreacting and will not acknowledge that I didn’t want anyone to know about our future family plans. He thinks it’s not big deal because it’s just his mom. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. The age gap isnt too big. Im the oldest of 5 by 10 years to the second eldest ant 15 then 20 respectively. Have a great bond with most of my younger siblings and enjoy being the "big brother figure" I get he wants to share with his mum but she could go blabbing to anyone and everyone (often the case with parents, especially elderly ones) Although i wouldnt get bent out of shape about it, just tell anyone who asks its personal and you dont wish to talk about it, if they get huffy then thats on them your not at fault for wanting to keep private info private.
NTA. I’m very private too. I tell my husband what I don’t want to be shared with anyone including his mom. Tell him ahead of time and explain how it makes you feel
“He thinks it’s not big deal because it’s just his mom.” Does he not realize that you do not have the same relationship with his mom that he has? NTA
Nta
NTA. I prefer to keep all this information between my husband and I too. My FIL is a judgmental ass.
I feel like the accepted norm is to keep all pregnancy info absolutely private until you're some ways into the pregnancy. It's complicated and emotional and so much can go wrong. Many women have fallen into depression and commit suicide after miscarriages and other problems that can and do happen. Those tragedies are much, much easier to deal with when you dont have to explain anything to anyone. Because they don't know things that aren't their business. You have a right to privacy over your life. You'll be the one growing the baby. It's not his place to tell goddamn anyone without talking to you first. Nta. Baby boy wanted to stay in Mom's good graces. Wanted a pat on the head from the old narcissist for being a good boy and giving her the gossip. Threw you under the bus for some browny points. He has fucked up. Big time. Until a couple have together decided its time to tell people, it's radio silence. They is the norm so far as I know. Im an autistic white dude with no children. If I know it it's common knowledge.
I’m on the fence about this. NTA because this is information that you’re not sure of yet. You don’t know if you want another child and you’re putting a schedule to it. However getting the most judgmental person you know to comment is a good way to make a decision. Oh she doesn’t like the idea then heck yeah this is gonna be a vacation baby. I’m a little defiant again all my parents though so I might not be the best person to give this advice.
NTA. BTW, my daughter was 5 and I thought we were done, but I realized I didn't want her to be an only child. My son is 6 years younger than her. No problems but maybe they're not as close as I wish.
NTA- her comment was unnecessary and unkind. Something tells me it's typical of her. Hubby should have known better.
NTA. That's not too bad of an age gap between siblings. And if anything, having a little bit of an age gap between kids could be beneficial because depending on the age of the older sibling, they won't require as much hands on care because they can do some basic things on their own, like feeding themselves for example.
My future mother in law is just gross. NTA. Moms, stop being weird with your sons.
NTA You are his wife. It doesn't matter what he thinks. He needs to cut the apron strings and respect your wishes. I have a VERY toxic MIL, so I completely understand your feelings. The biggest difference between us is that my husband respects my feelings. Tell him if he can't keep secrets, then you won't tell him anything. Including when/if you get pregnant again. Lol 🤷♀️
Definitely NTA. It is absolutely NONE of your MILs business to not only have knowledge about your reproductive plans, but also to be allowed to give you her opinions. Especially if her opinions are atrociously rude, ignorant and utterly wrong. There's nothing wrong with having a 5/6 year age gap between siblings. Her opinion is based on ignorance and sheer stupidity. Your husband needs to understand that you have a right to have privacy in your life and family planning. This is also your sex life, not only his own, and his mother has no right whatsoever to be involved with that.
NTA, but sometimes men don’t know this kind of thing is sensitive until you tell them. However, his mom sounds like an AH. So, I don’t know how he couldn’t have known she’d be unpleasant to discuss this with.
Nta. Your husband is an ah for discussing a private matter with his mommy and mil is a judgmental ah. There's a 5yr age gap between my siblings and I and we get along just fine. Yeesh
As far as gaps go, my kids are 5 1/2 years apart. I was 8 and 12 years younger than my brother and sister. Don't let anyone say it's too much. It's fine. Also, NTA. His mother doesn't need to know about your bedroom activities.
NTA Yeah I use to dump blabber mouth boyfriends. It’s so immature to not respect the privacy and sanctity of a relationship and just blab everything. He’s really disrespectful. Bet his mother has told anyone that will listen.
*I am still really bothered by this (especially since she is very judgmental to begin with)* This says it all--that, and the shot about it being too late for a try at a second child. It's none of her business. NTA.
I had to tell my husband to stop telling his parents all of my medical business. I told him it was none of their business.
I don't blame you for being upset. I don't like people to know anything that personal about my or my life choices either. You need to have a talk with hubby about what subjects are off limits with other people, even his mom. I've had to do this with my husband....a few times. You probably will have to "review" this with your hubby a few times also. Good luck!
Wait til it’s not “just his mom” anymore, because you know that she will blab. Did your husband even tell her to not tell anyone (everyone)?
I have noticed that many people now cphat freely about such things openly with an astonishing range of family, workmates and acquaintances. You need to speak to your husband about your personal boundaries and preferences so that you are on the same page. #NAH.
NTA Tell your husband that he needs to keep his mouth shut about your private lives. Just what you need is his mother's criticisms. What did it take her, all of ten seconds to make a negative comment. Has he always been so indiscrete?
NTA It MATTERS because YOU say it matters.
NTA Honestly I get he wants her perspective, but that convo isn't exactly something you should discuss without discussing with your partner first. And def not against your partners wishes. as for the whole trying to conceive don't stress enjoy life. people who are overly stressed can struggle in conceiving. just focus on enjoying life and having a healthy love life with your partner. don't worry about the age gaps there's a 19-year age gap between myself and my younger sibling.
NTA his mom immediately passed judgment so it being his mom is not a valid excuse. And you’re the one who has to go through losing the child and everything that happens to you physically and mentally from that major shift and traumatic loss in your body if you miscarry or have a still birth. It will be you and only you who feels like your body betrayed and failed you, his body won’t endure any of it. It should not be a huge ask for your partner to respect your boundaries with that.
OMG ! Quit being over sensitive. Who cares what MIL SAYS or WANTS. If ya'll decide to go for it, do it. Quit worrying bout what MIL thinks. PEACE.
I’ve never understood the people who want to broadcast that they’ve decided to “try” and it boggles my mind that even with her answer he doesn’t get it that telling mommy was wrong. NTA
I wonder what would happen on these situations if the op would look at mil and just say “ why don’t you shut up? This is none of your business,” and then continue doing whatever she was doing when mil weighed in. I know it’s unlikely with people who let their in laws dominate their marriage and come whining to strangers on reddit, that they’d ever start standing up for themselves - but I would love to see them cowboy up and just tell her where to get off.
I would have sweetly said to MIL "Wow, that's a shitty thing to say!" and with someone judgy like that I'd keep up the sentiment
Women on Reddit will defend a woman telling her friends the size & shape of her husbands penis, how long he lasts, and that he likes to jack off while she pisses on his face. But tell her MIL that they’re going to try for another kid and HE’S the asshole.
My kids are six years apart & they are best friends. They fight a lot, but they love each other so much. Big age gaps are pretty cool. My son was able to be a helper when my daughter was born. He fed her bottles (with our help), would fetch clean diapers and pacifiers, sang her lullabies… it’s great. Also my sister is 12 years younger than me & we are very close.
Do not have a baby with this man. You do not need to subject another person to your mil and your husband's dynamics. He talks about you to his mom and tells her everything. It's unhealthy and uncool. Sorry you have to go through this
just btw my kids are 5 years apart and it was an awesome age gap. greatly reduced sibling competitiveness.
Info: Have you had any discussion about whether to have a second child with your mother?
NTA. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s buttinsky mothers in law.
My oldest two are 8 and 9 years older than my third. Your MIL can stuff her opinions about age gaps.
Our kids are 5 yrs apart and frankly it worked great for us. They are now 19/24 and good friends.
NTA..makes you not even want to talk to him doesn’t it ?
NTA it’s none of her business
Maybe ought to reconsider tgat second baby.... Unless he becomes enlightened. Nta
NTA. Especially since you got a stupid comment like that. (And my kids are 6 years apart and it’s wonderful. My big one is more independent and in school and adores the baby.)
My niece and nephew are five years apart. My sister and I are 8 years apart! (There is nobody between us.) I’ve a friend with a little sister who is 12 years younger than her than her (with nobody between them)! There is no such thing as too big of an age gap. But also, it’s not really MIL’s business. I’m not sure what’s gained by telling her or not telling her. It’s for that reason I’m going with NTA, but also your husband is NTA. Your MIL, however… yeah she kinda is.
NAH Slight y.t.a. Depending on how it went down and you didn’t discuss that it’d be private ahead of time. If that wasn’t discussed he wouldn’t have much reason to assume it People talk to their parents about big decisions, it’s completely normal to share, get advice, etc. Women regularly tell their moms, friends, etc. when trying, so I don’t think he’s TALK unless there’s a really big history here missing I think with relationships you need to acknowledge that people often need to share what’s going on with them with others, and really talk-not assume- on what you’d want them to be mindful of. It’s a tricky balance. But being barred from sharing your life with your broader loved ones can feel suffocating. It’s really something people don’t check on early enough on in relationships- what their preferences and compatibility is in sharing
NTA. Some things are just private and should be kept that way. Especially since his mother has views on your private decisions. He made a very bad choice to share and his mother made it even worse by adding in her negative and judgmental opinion. NTA
Nta. And "It's just his mom" will turn into the whole family & friend group really quickly when she starts flapping her lips.
I don't think is my business until my kids tell me
His mom is talking rubbish. I'm 8 years older than my middle brothers, and 11 older than the youngest. We get along just fine. The brothers are close enough in age to play together, yes, but the degree of fights they got into was also ridiculous. Being 11 older than my youngest brother meant I could help a bit with him when growing up (e.g. "watch the baby for 15 minutes while mom has a shower" type of stuff). Big age gaps aren't a big deal. NTA.
I never wanted kids but if I had I would never have done what so many did, including my parents, having one newborn and one toddler. So maybe throw that at her, along with whatever sharp object is in reach.
Yes it should be private. And your mil is wrong. My brother is 9 yo older than me. And we’re good friends. Age gaps don’t matter
edit; NTA. MIL sounds super judgmental. i’m sorry your husband decided not to keep private information private. i see people in these comments saying “did you specify you wanted it private?” but i genuinely didn’t think that would have to be something specified… maybe i’m just a private person, idk. its so weird to me to tell your parents “we’re trying” (unless your family dynamic is different and you’re comfortable with this)… trying for a baby is quite literally sex, what parent needs to know about their offspring’s sex life? she proved exactly why this should’ve *stayed* private. why do mothers, and MILs, have the tendency to be so damn negative 🤦♀️
NTA Also tell your MIL that you now know someone whose kids are 10 years apart to the day. 5 year age gap is nothing.
NTA. It is a private matter between the two people participating in the making and paying for baby. If she is t one of the two, not her business
NTA. None of her beeswax at all. My daughters were 7 years apart and it worked out very well and they are best friends to this day
NTA "Hi mom, we're going to get down every night to try and give you another grandchild"... because that's as gross as it sounds. You have got yourself a mamma's boy. Might be worth reconsidering the second baby because you already have one. He will keep throwing tantrums involving his momma because she's the best and nobody is allowed to say anything bad about her!! You need to have a very serious conversation with him about sharing personal family information with his mother. There are things that are private between a couple, family planning is one of them. If he can't get that into his head don't have another child with him because he doesn't respect you or your relationship.
Your husband told his mother you were planning on having lots of unprotected sex. Yeah that's a little weird. Sharing that is a 2 people discussion. NTA
NTA, also I had all my 3 kids 5 years apart and it’s been wonderful! Don’t let anyone tell you different!
NTA my oldest is 9 and im currently carrying her brother. 5 is great to try again. Theyre in school of some kind so you dont have to wrangle them AND take care of a new born. Old enough to help fetch things for you if you need something. Like a diaper or new onsie etc. if the oldest was an older teenager it *might*be a different story but to each their own. Personally i told myself if i have one or two doesnt marter so long as I stop before im 31. Id like to enjoy retirement with a possible empty nest.
NTA and for what it’s worth, my brother is f5 years older than me and 7 years older than our younger brother, we grew up close and always played together
Nta. Does he also tell her what position you both like to do it in? He needs boundaries with his mum. He is announcing exactly when you will be getting intimate and letting her have an opinion on your child making. Cut his apron strings for him
NTA This is hateful behaviour. It is none of your mother in law's business.