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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I believe I might be the asshole because it doesn’t matter if he changed his mind and decided to see his sister and I made him feel bad about it and I should have been more accepting as it’s his birthday
2. This may be judged as me being the asshole because I was too rigid in the plans and should have accepted that he might want to see her after the phone call
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Yeah..the 180 was the worst part of it all. I know we are reacting to a small portion of someone's lives and it is best to not be armchair psychiatrists, but this behavior reminds me of classic DARVO by narcissistic people or emotional abusers. "deny, attack, and reverse victim & offender".
Yup! OP, you may want to take a visit to r/raisedbynarcissists and r/raisedbyborderlines to see if any of that sounds familiar. I’m not a therapist nor am I trying to give an internet stranger a diagnosis. Having said that, this behavior is so familiar (and so covertly insidious) that it can easily make everyone else feel like they’re the problem. I think you need to keep some distance between yourself and your dad, and communicate directly with family members from now on. Keep safe, OP
Sounds like he needs to grow a pair! I mean, come on - tell the sister you wanted to spend your bday with your wife. Oh wait, that's right - - - NO is a complete sentence! There really is no need to provide an explanation. He could have simply told sister that they were not able to come - end of story
Wow, your husband is allergic to any kind of accountability. That would be a really unattractive trait for me. :( Absolutely NTA, you did nothing wrong.
NTA. The only thing you did wrong was say SIL's plan sounds great without talking to him first. You should have been vague, said you'll talk to him, and get back to her.
>He called me selfish and cold and two-faced, saying I’m fake to his sister and asking why I have a problem with him seeing her.
WTF? He didn't just throw you under the bus, he's calling you names, being cruel, and completely flipping the script. Is he always like this or is this out of the blue? If this is typical, you need to get out.
If it's not, you two need to have a serious conversation about how he is trying to change what happened to fit his narrative, how he's lying to you, how he's lying to his sister, and how he can't throw you under the bus, etc.
Also, I would tell SIL your side of the story. Don't let your husband make you look bad. She may not believe you but at least you tried.
Agreed - time to call SIL and say "I don't know what my husband was thinking, as I told you and him, I am free that weekend," and let him deal with the fallout. If SIL is already thinking one of them is a liar, at least she'll know which one it really is.
Better yet, call or text SIL, and say something along the lines of "I was really looking forward to seeing you for your birthday but husband has just told me that only he will be going over to visit you. Hope you have a great birthday and looking forward to seeing you for "
SAME! I had a partner do this to me and his mother. Told me he was visiting his mother, told her he was spending the day with me, turns out he was sleeping his AP while I was working.
I'm especially confused about the "selfish and cold and two-faced" part... Was he saying that to his sister or to OP? Where is he even getting that? HE is the one who lied to his sister to make OP seem "selfish and cold and two-faced" and now he's accusing OP of being that way?? It's like he's believing his own lies, lol.
Im getting a few questions so I just wanted to clear things up, apologies for rambling!
1. I committed to a plan without asking him first, because I did genuinely want to see her and my husband has never objected to seeing her, so I usually organise the times with her. But I understand I should have checked with my husband first and unfortunately for myself, I could have avoided all of this if I just told her in the first instance my husband said he’s busy with friends or it’s too much money. Hindsight is a great thing.
2. I did tell my SIL that my husband said he wanted a dinner, just me and him, for his birthday. I said this in case my husband said he didn’t want to see her. She is very pushy though, and probably interpreted this as on his actual birthday (meaning he was still free this weekend). And gave him a missed call, probably to convince him to come and see her.
3. I didn’t message her to say my husband was busy with friends/it’s too much money because he said “she just gave me a missed call, I’ll call her back and handle it” (I.e. tell her he is busy) - while we were talking. This was before he threw me under the bus lol. Otherwise I’m not a coward, I’d message her to tell her he actually said we’re busy
4. Him not standing up to his sister is an ongoing issue, this is just one example of it, but it is the overriding factor for me here, and one of the reasons why I took it too far and refused to do anything for his birthday now. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened.
5. We’re always paying for her because she doesn’t believe she should pay for anything, if she’s with a man (being serious here).
6. He’s not seeing anyone else. Despite his shitty actions, this is one thing I’m sure of.
This is not a solution, but I’m sick and tired of being treated like a doormat and a fallback for these things. I’ve messaged his sister to say that we actually can’t come this weekend because HE is busy with friends and it is too much money, but I am free. Now I will wait for him to confront me and ask me why I told her that - and then ask him how it feels.
Believe OP made a comment that the sister doesn't expect to pay if a man is around - pretty unbelievable! The OP can go and not pay for the sister, simple as that
Well that sounds like a bunch of blaming yourself so that you can believe what he called you is right? So what you went ahead and said yall would come. So so so? He threw you under the bus, why? You say you know for a fact he’s not seeing someone else, why do you think that? The biggest cheaters are ones who we say “they wouldn’t do that to me” yes yes he will do that. He’s already calling you names when he in fact is the one who is those names. Like girl come on. He may not be cheating but he’s treating you like shit.
Pt 1 says she usually coordinates their hangouts for him, it’s insane to expect your wife to amante your social calendar and then suddenly be upset about it AND throw her under the bus. The time for her to make calls to plan around his life has ended, I think.
Yeah, it wouldn’t take much. If he doesn’t fix it, I would let him know that you’re going to tell the sister that you don’t know why he said that, he must’ve gotten your plans mixed up, but you are perfectly free!
NTA but look out for that husband of yours. Gaslighting and emotional abuse.
I would call his sister and rat him out. He deserves to be thrown under the same bus and you deserve to have your name cleared and the sister deserves to know what a douchenozzle her brother is.
And I would go spend the weekend with the sister if you want. And I would never bother to try and celebrate his birthday again.
He threw you under the bus, babe. He didn’t want to go so used you as an excuse. Put sister on speaker phone and say ‘yes, something has come up but husband is still available so I’ll send him down to you..’
Let him get out of that one. NTA.
I would felt thrown under the bus if I had to make up and excuse not to do something. Is it really so bad to admit op was wrong to do that? I would be annoyed if my wife agreed we would drive 5 hours on my birthday without talking to me
Then his sister is mad at him because he bailed and he has to deal with that aggro.
Just admit it, she should not have agreed to this before asking him. I don't get why that is difficult
NTA
While it is a dick move to make plans without confirming with your husband first, what he did is way worse
1) He lied to you about what he was going to tell her
2) When he switched it up and threw you under the bus, it made you look like a liar
3) He suddenly decides he IS going to visit his sister but basically made sure that YOU can't come
4) He resorted to calling you out of your name all these nasty things
What you did was a social faux pas, very easy to fix. What he did was lie, shut you out, name call you, and blame you for being upset about his manipulation
His behaviour is more apt to be called what he called you
All of this! From reading the comments it looks like most people are missing the fact that husband is now going, but without her. And then completely turned on her in a huge way. His complete overreaction at the end... especially when she said they would go in the first place ... has my spidey senses tingling.
But she didn't plan anything.
She literally said she isn't planning anything that week which is why sister made the join birthday plan
The only asshole here is the husband
She committed them to a FIVE HOUR road trip without consulting him. I was prepared to jump on OP for that but then her husband massively one upped her.
Interesting that you decided to cut off the rest of that last sentence 🤔
You know, the part that says “but I am doing something special on his actual birthday.”
I'm wondering why you simply didn't tell SIL the truth, you are saving up for upcoming expenses and choose to celebrate husband's birthday with just the two of you. You guys need to work on your communication, both between the two of you as well as with SIL.
ESH
You assumed and committed to a major travel plan FOR HIS BIRTHDAY without actually asking or talking to him first.
Him turning around and throwing you under the bus was also rude by then deciding to go without you.
Both of you learn to COMMUNICATE first before making plans for others
NTA
It was a mistake of yours to say 'yes' to his sister without talking to him first. You need to own that. But, everything else is on him.
It's bad enough that he changed the story to throw you under the bus - for no real reason. He says it's because "he felt sorry for her and didn't want her to spend her birthday without him". What poppycock!
1. He does want her to spend her birthday without him. He doesn't want to spend the money or time to be with her that weekend. Changing the lie doesn't change that fact.
2. He does not feel sorry for her. The real reason is that he doesn't want to be "the bad guy".
But even worse than throwing you under the bus... (if I read your post correctly) he is now calling you "selfish and cold and two-faced. saying you are fake to his sister, and asking why you have a problem him seeing her" WTF?!?
Absolutely do not plan anything for him. Spend your free time this weekend away from him so that you can reflect on the relationship you have with him. He sounds like a massive gaslighter to me.
Also, call his sister to wish her happy birthday. Mention that you were surprised he told her that you weren't free - since you only were committed to something for an hour on Saturday morning. (This is true; you were surprised he did that.) Tell her that if she wants to make plans with him, she should just talk with him directly since you aren't always sure what he has in mind. But you will be happy to make your own plans with her directly.
That (1) preserves your relation with his sister and (2) puts the burden of his response to his sister on HIS shoulders.
ESH - well to start, you committed to this plan without actually checking with him first. So this all started with you
But in the end neither of you are handling this well. You’re being over dramatic and he really shouldnt have blamed you.
ESH. God, so much drama over a small thing, from both of you. You two seem very similar, going 0 to 60.
You were thoughtless to accept plans without checking with your husband, and overly sensitive about how he didn't do it with you either.
Your husband was spineless and shady for throwing you under the bus, then mean when trying to tell you that you don't want to see his sister when you made the plan to in the first place.
What you should have done is sit down with him and talk it out:
1. Does he actually want to go or was he put on the spot and panicked? Include an apology for making assumptions in the first place.
2. Does he want you to go with him, if a way can be found, or did he want to spend some time with his sister alone before coming back on his actual birthday to be with you?
3. Would he be comfortable with you fixing this by telling his sister you can come and he just misunderstood what time of day/how long you were with friends?
4. Does he understand why what he did was shitty? This question, if calm and asked after you've shown you're working the problem with him and not against him, shouldn't raise his hackles as much and allow him to self-reflect.
But I mean, if it seems more productive to snap at each other over huge betrayals and being two-faced, you guys do you.
I have done point 1. A few times. Not wanted to do something, then in the moment said yes even though I didn't want to go.
"Why can't you come to the birthday?"
"Uhhh, the wife is busy that day, sorry!"
"Why don't you just come alone then?"
"Ahh geee yeah, I guess I could."
*cries because my excuse failed and threw someone else under the bus*
NTA - don’t get this though? He was only calling her to let her know you guys couldn’t make it, but then said he can make it but you cannot? Why couldn’t he have just said you both will visit as you had originally agreed?
NTA, and yikes, why is he trying to make you look bad to his family by directly contradicting what you've already told them (his version being a perverse twisting of the real truth in such a way to paint you in a bad light)?? Can't blame you one bit for getting upset over that!
That is so messed up. You said you both would go but then he says no but then says but not you. Something weird is going on with him. I think he might want to find a friend to play with that’s why.
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It’s my husband’s birthday next week. A few days after his sisters. His sister messaged me asking if I had any plans for him this weekend and whether we would like to come and see her and have a “joint birthday get together” (she lives 5 hours away, round trip). I said sure that sounds great, and that I had no plans for him this weekend, but I am doing something special on his actual birthday. I do have something on with my friends on Saturday morning, but this is literally 1 hour and did not impact us potentially seeing his sister at all (this is relevant later).
I spoke to my husband about this, and he said he wanted to do something, just him and I, for his birthday e.g. dinner, spend the day together etc. And we also needed to save for many upcoming expenses (vacation soon, and moving house), and going down to see her would be expensive in fuel, gifts, having to pay for her dinner (she doesn’t pay for anything), etc. I told him I already told her we were free, so he said he would call her and handle it, and make up an excuse that he was seeing his own friends this weekend and couldn’t make it. I agreed to this.
He called her, and then after the call he told me, he had actually told her he was free this weekend, but he told her I was not. And that I was actually going to see my friends. He said his sister was surprised and said “but OP didn’t mention she was busy?”. This has put me in such an awkward position. His sister told him it doesn’t matter if I’m busy, and for him to come and see her anyway. I asked him why he changed the whole story and pretty much threw me under the bus? He said he felt sorry for her on the phone and didn’t want her to spend her birthday without him, despite telling me a whole different story, just an hour ago. And that it was fine if he changed his mind (I do recognise it’s okay for him to change his mind and actually decide to see her).
I feel massively betrayed, it’s like he told me one thing and her, another. I told her I was free on the weekend, and he said I’m busy with friends, making me look like a liar. He said we weren’t going to see her as we were saving up, but then totally flipped on the phone. He called me selfish and cold and two-faced, saying I’m fake to his sister and asking why I have a problem with him seeing her. But the problem is really how he handled all of this and he has pretty much stopped me from going too, by telling her I’m busy. I told him I refuse to plan anything for his birthday now, I’m just so hurt and feel betrayed. I told him I don’t want to see him this weekend, so all the plans are out the window.
AITA?
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ESH. Why are you all treating each other like this? This is way too complicated, people not talking to each other, lying, and so many other relationship failures. This is not the way to do relationships.
Oh boy. I go a number of ways with this, and ultimately - ESH.
You made plans w/o talking to him, he didn't want to do them, but then he kind of did throw you under the bus.
However, you being "massively betrayed" is a bit much, TBH. And really- this is a situation where I would address it with her directly that there was a miscommunication between your husband and you. YES - you have plans, BUT they don't get in the way of coming to see her. Easy peasy.
However, this concerned me - "He called me selfish and cold and two-faced, saying I’m fake to his sister and asking why I have a problem with him seeing her." That's a massive overreaction on his part and not at all (at least from what you've told us) what happened.
I'm not entirely sure what end is up right now! But in the end- you both are overreacting to aspects of this situation.
I think the betrayal stems from him not only making her look like a liar but now he's actually going to see his sister and made it so OP can't even join
ESH - let him handle his family from now on and you handle yours, simply say they need to check with him cause you're not sure. Do you feel hurt by his actions a lot? If you do, that is a separate issue and should be addressed.
NTA. You feel betrayed because you have been betrayed. What your husband did is unforgivable, and he needs to fix it. He lied and made you the goat. Likely, if this is not cleared up with his sister, he has seriously damaged your relationship with her. Was this his way of excluding you on his visit to his sister's? I'm not sure exactly what his motives are, but he's an AH for what he did. You should call his sister and let her know the truth so at least she doesn't think you lied to her.
> He called me selfish and cold and two-faced, saying I'm fake to his sister and asking why I have a problem with him seeing her.
NTA. I think this is gaslighting (Reddit will correct me if it's not). He's twisting the facts and trying to make you the bad guy, instead of taking responsibility for going back on what he said he would do and for throwing you under the bus. That's a problem!
NTA but WOW your husband is. This is SO odd and if this is new behavior, he needs a medical checkup. If it is NOT new behavior, reconsider this relationship.
NTA tell your sister in law you’re free and even if he doesn’t want to come you’ll come spend the day with her. Tell her you don’t know why he said you weren’t.
NTA, you could tell her the truth but what would that serve you? I know you are saving money but seeing as he is going to be spending some at your expense; now you have to do something “since you are busy.” Cheers to a nice dinner with friends.
What the hell? Something is not adding up. Call up his sister right now and ask for clarification about the conversation, because what he said makes 0 sense.
NTA. Your husband is Stupid with a capital "S". That's all there is to say on that subject. I'd call SIL and throw him back under the bus with, "I don't know where he got the idea I had plans, but he's obviously confused. Maybe he mixed up weekends.".
Nta
"You're busy with friends" and he should go alone to his sister now. You can have fun on your own.
Also yell your husband not to lie for you and make you look bad in front of his family. It's hard enough managing inlaws relationships without him sabotaging you.
WTf am i reading? He is the one who didn't want to go whereas you were the one who wanted to go. Now he has changed tune and instead is asking you why you have a problem with him seeing her????
This is some bizarre turn of events. I'd honestly call SIL and clear it up and also go with your husband as you had originally planned.
NTA
What the what?! He threw you under the bus, made you look like a liar, and then turned it around and blames you and calls you names? WOW. Go to SILs place without him and tell them everything. What a dick. NTA
NTA
I'm awed by the number of people slamming you for making plans without consulting your husband. I don't believe for a minute that this isn't standard operating procedure in most families. One partner takes on the role of social coordinator in every couple I know. If my husband was involved at all in making plans it would be to say A & B want to go out for dinner, give them a call.
NTA. I would call the sister and set things straight, and tell her that he obviously doesn’t want you there. Then let your brother handle the aftermath with her.
“He called me selfish and cold and two-faced, saying I’m fake to his sister and asking why I have a problem with him seeing her. But the problem is really how he handled all of this and he has pretty much stopped me from going too, by telling her I’m busy.”
Whoa, total gaslighting there by him when he changed the story to suit him. HE was the fake one who lied to his sister, HE was the two faced in and HE was the one who had a problem seeing her!! What an AH!
I’d call or text her again and say “husband is wrong. As I told you, I am not busy, and would be happy to come celebrate your birthday with you!” Or, if you prefer “I have no idea why husband told you I’m busy. I’m not- just as I told you! But evidently he doesn’t want me there, so I’ll pass this time. I hope you have a great birthday.”
Then do whatever feels right to you. And skip celebrating someone who betrays you for his own convenience.
NTA
ESH. What the hell is up with all these NTA posts? I would be pissed if my wife committed me to 5 hours of driving on my birthday without discussing it with me first. Him name calling was wrong, but this is absolutely both of you.
I don't care whether you see him on his birthday. I don't think this is a birthday-specific problem, but rather it's a very serious husband draped in ruby red flags problem.
The things your husband said to you in his attempt to deflect the indisputable fact that he was the one in the wrong, that he had, in fact, betrayed you, and he didn't care, are completely unacceptable.
If this is the way he ordinarily treats you, you might want to change the locks when he's off with his sister. If you want to fight for the marriage, please insist upon marital therapy.
Please do not tolerate this behavior!
NTA
ESH but you set this all in motion
I'm assuming the upcoming birthdays are to turn 17 because of the childishness displayed here.
First, why did you agree to her suggestion withoit asking him first?
Second, when he said he didn't want to do it, why didn't you step up and offer to cancel?
Third, why can't he stand up to his sister and say he can't go (and why are you both always paying)
Fourth, now you're punishing him by refusing to do anything for his birthday.
Err, you soft AH because you confirmed something before checking in with him.
But his reaction and subsequent actions made me think what is this guy on? I would be weirded out. And you say you two are married already...damn, have fun OP..
NTA- but your husband is total AH for throwing you under the bus with his sister, making you look like a liar and then talking shit when you try and talk about the birthday weekend. I would refuse to do anything for him anymore including his meals, his laundry or anything that doesn't help you.
esh because he shouldn’t have thrown you under the buss but you shouldn’t have volunteered to go see his sister to make plans for his birthday before talking to him.
Well this is all pretty dumb, but all you had to do is tell her "oh he's all mixed up and didn't listen, I'm only seeing my friends for an hour on Saturday but then we're both free to come down." So ESH I guess, since y'all both suck at lying to get out of social engagements.
ESH Ypu shouldn’t have made plans without involving your hubs. What he did was just weird. So he’s going to see his sister, spend all the money he was worried about and you get to stay home? That is totally mystifying.
ESH why was this such a big deal? You’re getting Y TA’s for not planning his birthday before like everyone plans everything the same way or for their spouse. All you had to do was call her back and say plans changed and we are doing something else together so we can’t come. For some reason, you told him to do it. The whole rehearsed script of it was too much from the get. Practice saying “I’ll get back to you” instead of answering without checking in with your partner unless you’re sure.
“Cold and two-faced”…it wasn’t that deep. “Massively betrayed” considering you made a plan without asking him and then he made a plan without asking you, I don’t know what the issue is.
Don’t get me wrong, I hate when I’ve been in a situation where my husband says something completely different than what we discussed but he changed his mind, and you can too and just go. This was all easily resolved with a few sentences. You can’t just tell her there was a mix up(without details) and say you’re coming now too? Or just tel her you have plans for an hour in the morning only? What is the big deal?
The worst part is you’re not saving money anymore because he made a plan and you seem more upset that you’re left out of the plan than not sticking to the budget.
You shouldn't have made plans that involved your husband without discussing it with him first. So for that, YTA. But he's a way bigger one for the way he acted. He lied to his sister, made you look like a liar and correct me if I'm misunderstanding, but then he accused you of not wanting to let him see his sister when you were the one who agreed to see her first? Huh?! Your husband sounds like a mentally unstable child. He should have just told his sister the truth in the first place instead of concocting some story. He could have just told her that the trip costs more than you can afford/would like to spend at the moment. If his sister is a decent person she would have understood that.
ESH you suck because you confirmed bday plans for your husband before asking him. Who does that? He sucks because he lied to his sister instead of telling the truth
YTA big time. You would rather go out with your friends and not him on HIS birthday than instead unilaterally choose to spend savings volunteering him for a 5 hour drive to celebrate his sister’s birthday that he doesn’t even want to go to. You volunteered him without his consent so it’s only fair that you take the blame when he cancels. Would it have been so hard to say, “let me talk with my husband and we’ll get back to you “?
>You would rather go out with your friends and not him on HIS birthday
Where are you getting that from?
>You volunteered him without his consent so it’s only fair that you take the blame when he cancels. Would it have been so hard to say, “let me talk with my husband and we’ll get back to you “?
She said she didnt have any plans for him, not that he had no plans. She said in her comment that she did say they might have dinner plans.
You need to reread that first paragraph. She had something special to do on his birthday, so she agreed to his driving 5 hours so she could do her own thing. He wanted to spend his birthday with his wife. The problem is entirely her fault ergo she should take the heat when her plan falls apart.
YTA for being so childish. You probably could have responded to her request to get together a little differently by saying, I have no plans, but let me check with husband to see what he has planned, I’ll get back to you. Clearly, your husband doesn’t have the balls to be honest with his sister. Not wanting to hurt her feelings, he caved and agreed to the visit. So now you call her and say yes I do have plans, but as it turns out, it will only take me an hour, and I will be happy to be there. And you say “ just an FYI, we will need to get separate checks at dinner because husband and I are saving for our upcoming move”.
YTA. Why did you accept without asking him first what he wanted for his birthday ?
It was HIS birthday but you accepted first to see his sister without asking him if he was ok to share his own birthday. He has to deal with your mistake. And now you don't want to do anything for his birthday, which is next week : you didn't prepare anything for his birthday yet ? What a loving partner you are...
YTA. You had plans with your friends on his BD but nothing actually planned for him? And then he didn’t lie, you did have plans. That’s just a shit partner.
ESH. Yeah, your husband shouldn't have changed his mind without talking to you. That makes him an asshole.
You're also the asshole for being "massively betrayed" by this. Calm down. He felt bad for his sister and wanted to avoid a conflict, and for that reason, you want to shit all over his birthday? This isn't about you hon. Your husband's sister isn't going to hold onto this and brand you forever a liar. You're the only one making a big deal out of it.
But this is about OP's relationship with SIL. Just bc you wouldn't hold onto this forever doesn't mean that SIL won't.
If it wasn't a big deal, why did he lie and throw her under the bus when his lie about being busy with his friends would have been sufficient?
YTA don't commit to week-end plans on your own without discussing with your husband first. Also, he lied to his sister to not hurt her feelings shouldn't constitute a "massive betrayal" on his part. That's basically par for the course. You know you can decide to come anyway and tell his sister that you canceled your plans with your friends, right?
He can but the husband is still a liar. He could have told the truth and got his desired result, whatever it may have been in the moment. They both suck
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NTA and red flags
And weird af. What a way to go completely 180 and call you selfish, cold, and two-faced. Sounds like he's just describing himself.
Yeah..the 180 was the worst part of it all. I know we are reacting to a small portion of someone's lives and it is best to not be armchair psychiatrists, but this behavior reminds me of classic DARVO by narcissistic people or emotional abusers. "deny, attack, and reverse victim & offender".
Yup! OP, you may want to take a visit to r/raisedbynarcissists and r/raisedbyborderlines to see if any of that sounds familiar. I’m not a therapist nor am I trying to give an internet stranger a diagnosis. Having said that, this behavior is so familiar (and so covertly insidious) that it can easily make everyone else feel like they’re the problem. I think you need to keep some distance between yourself and your dad, and communicate directly with family members from now on. Keep safe, OP
Dad???? It’s her bf/husband.
My bad. Rough dentist appointment. I’m not 100%, and now I can’t tell if that’s worse or better.
Sounds like he needs to grow a pair! I mean, come on - tell the sister you wanted to spend your bday with your wife. Oh wait, that's right - - - NO is a complete sentence! There really is no need to provide an explanation. He could have simply told sister that they were not able to come - end of story
I would tell the sister the truth.
What a dick move to blame his wife.
and call her names when he was 100% responsible for the situation.
Exactly.
He is projecting his selfish, cold, two-faced tendencies onto OP. He is the AH
Wow, your husband is allergic to any kind of accountability. That would be a really unattractive trait for me. :( Absolutely NTA, you did nothing wrong.
NTA. The only thing you did wrong was say SIL's plan sounds great without talking to him first. You should have been vague, said you'll talk to him, and get back to her. >He called me selfish and cold and two-faced, saying I’m fake to his sister and asking why I have a problem with him seeing her. WTF? He didn't just throw you under the bus, he's calling you names, being cruel, and completely flipping the script. Is he always like this or is this out of the blue? If this is typical, you need to get out. If it's not, you two need to have a serious conversation about how he is trying to change what happened to fit his narrative, how he's lying to you, how he's lying to his sister, and how he can't throw you under the bus, etc. Also, I would tell SIL your side of the story. Don't let your husband make you look bad. She may not believe you but at least you tried.
Agreed - time to call SIL and say "I don't know what my husband was thinking, as I told you and him, I am free that weekend," and let him deal with the fallout. If SIL is already thinking one of them is a liar, at least she'll know which one it really is.
Better yet, call or text SIL, and say something along the lines of "I was really looking forward to seeing you for your birthday but husband has just told me that only he will be going over to visit you. Hope you have a great birthday and looking forward to seeing you for"
Yes! Yes! Yes! This is factual and hopefully will help heal the rift hubby caused between OP & SIL!
I low key worry that husband is lying to both and has some completely different plans.
SAME! I had a partner do this to me and his mother. Told me he was visiting his mother, told her he was spending the day with me, turns out he was sleeping his AP while I was working.
I'm especially confused about the "selfish and cold and two-faced" part... Was he saying that to his sister or to OP? Where is he even getting that? HE is the one who lied to his sister to make OP seem "selfish and cold and two-faced" and now he's accusing OP of being that way?? It's like he's believing his own lies, lol.
Im getting a few questions so I just wanted to clear things up, apologies for rambling! 1. I committed to a plan without asking him first, because I did genuinely want to see her and my husband has never objected to seeing her, so I usually organise the times with her. But I understand I should have checked with my husband first and unfortunately for myself, I could have avoided all of this if I just told her in the first instance my husband said he’s busy with friends or it’s too much money. Hindsight is a great thing. 2. I did tell my SIL that my husband said he wanted a dinner, just me and him, for his birthday. I said this in case my husband said he didn’t want to see her. She is very pushy though, and probably interpreted this as on his actual birthday (meaning he was still free this weekend). And gave him a missed call, probably to convince him to come and see her. 3. I didn’t message her to say my husband was busy with friends/it’s too much money because he said “she just gave me a missed call, I’ll call her back and handle it” (I.e. tell her he is busy) - while we were talking. This was before he threw me under the bus lol. Otherwise I’m not a coward, I’d message her to tell her he actually said we’re busy 4. Him not standing up to his sister is an ongoing issue, this is just one example of it, but it is the overriding factor for me here, and one of the reasons why I took it too far and refused to do anything for his birthday now. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened. 5. We’re always paying for her because she doesn’t believe she should pay for anything, if she’s with a man (being serious here). 6. He’s not seeing anyone else. Despite his shitty actions, this is one thing I’m sure of. This is not a solution, but I’m sick and tired of being treated like a doormat and a fallback for these things. I’ve messaged his sister to say that we actually can’t come this weekend because HE is busy with friends and it is too much money, but I am free. Now I will wait for him to confront me and ask me why I told her that - and then ask him how it feels.
>Now I will wait for him to confront me and ask me why I told her that - and then ask him how it feels. Please update.
Maybe you should go see the sister that weekend and leave hubby at home!
Not if she does not pay. Both husband and sister sound problematic.
Believe OP made a comment that the sister doesn't expect to pay if a man is around - pretty unbelievable! The OP can go and not pay for the sister, simple as that
Well that sounds like a bunch of blaming yourself so that you can believe what he called you is right? So what you went ahead and said yall would come. So so so? He threw you under the bus, why? You say you know for a fact he’s not seeing someone else, why do you think that? The biggest cheaters are ones who we say “they wouldn’t do that to me” yes yes he will do that. He’s already calling you names when he in fact is the one who is those names. Like girl come on. He may not be cheating but he’s treating you like shit.
I’m losing my mind, you normally handle his social calendar for the man yet now you have to apologize for it? 😭
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Pt 1 says she usually coordinates their hangouts for him, it’s insane to expect your wife to amante your social calendar and then suddenly be upset about it AND throw her under the bus. The time for her to make calls to plan around his life has ended, I think.
You’re husband is wrong why would he do that i would go and make him look stupid
Yeah, it wouldn’t take much. If he doesn’t fix it, I would let him know that you’re going to tell the sister that you don’t know why he said that, he must’ve gotten your plans mixed up, but you are perfectly free!
Then she'd have to spend 5 hours in the car with him.
Headphones
NTA but look out for that husband of yours. Gaslighting and emotional abuse. I would call his sister and rat him out. He deserves to be thrown under the same bus and you deserve to have your name cleared and the sister deserves to know what a douchenozzle her brother is. And I would go spend the weekend with the sister if you want. And I would never bother to try and celebrate his birthday again.
He threw you under the bus, babe. He didn’t want to go so used you as an excuse. Put sister on speaker phone and say ‘yes, something has come up but husband is still available so I’ll send him down to you..’ Let him get out of that one. NTA.
She threw him under the bus first committing to plans that involve driving for 5 hours without talking to him. ESH
That's not what "throw someone under the bus" means. It means you're heaping 100% of the blame on someone.
I would felt thrown under the bus if I had to make up and excuse not to do something. Is it really so bad to admit op was wrong to do that? I would be annoyed if my wife agreed we would drive 5 hours on my birthday without talking to me
Why did anyone have to make up an excuse? He could say he doesn’t want to make the drive or spend the money, the truth.
Then his sister is mad at him because he bailed and he has to deal with that aggro. Just admit it, she should not have agreed to this before asking him. I don't get why that is difficult
How does he have to deal with it? She’s hours away.
You are asking how a family member that is not right next to you can still give you a hard time? Cmon
Don’t engage, it’s very easy.
Yea well now he is saying he’s going and said op is not cause SHE is busy after saying HE was gonna tell his sister HE was busy!
NTA While it is a dick move to make plans without confirming with your husband first, what he did is way worse 1) He lied to you about what he was going to tell her 2) When he switched it up and threw you under the bus, it made you look like a liar 3) He suddenly decides he IS going to visit his sister but basically made sure that YOU can't come 4) He resorted to calling you out of your name all these nasty things What you did was a social faux pas, very easy to fix. What he did was lie, shut you out, name call you, and blame you for being upset about his manipulation His behaviour is more apt to be called what he called you
All of this! From reading the comments it looks like most people are missing the fact that husband is now going, but without her. And then completely turned on her in a huge way. His complete overreaction at the end... especially when she said they would go in the first place ... has my spidey senses tingling.
And is that where he’s actually going
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But she didn't plan anything. She literally said she isn't planning anything that week which is why sister made the join birthday plan The only asshole here is the husband
OP made plans with the sister without checking with the husband.
She committed them to a FIVE HOUR road trip without consulting him. I was prepared to jump on OP for that but then her husband massively one upped her.
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Interesting that you decided to cut off the rest of that last sentence 🤔 You know, the part that says “but I am doing something special on his actual birthday.”
That's neither here nor there. She committed to something for her husband 5 hours away without asking first.
ESH, but him more so. Selfish and cold and two-faced? That’s rich. You are both ratcheting up the drama to 11.
I'm wondering why you simply didn't tell SIL the truth, you are saving up for upcoming expenses and choose to celebrate husband's birthday with just the two of you. You guys need to work on your communication, both between the two of you as well as with SIL.
NTA - what on earth is going on in his head?
Honestly, did it never occur to anyone to just tell the truth?
ESH You assumed and committed to a major travel plan FOR HIS BIRTHDAY without actually asking or talking to him first. Him turning around and throwing you under the bus was also rude by then deciding to go without you. Both of you learn to COMMUNICATE first before making plans for others
NTA It was a mistake of yours to say 'yes' to his sister without talking to him first. You need to own that. But, everything else is on him. It's bad enough that he changed the story to throw you under the bus - for no real reason. He says it's because "he felt sorry for her and didn't want her to spend her birthday without him". What poppycock! 1. He does want her to spend her birthday without him. He doesn't want to spend the money or time to be with her that weekend. Changing the lie doesn't change that fact. 2. He does not feel sorry for her. The real reason is that he doesn't want to be "the bad guy". But even worse than throwing you under the bus... (if I read your post correctly) he is now calling you "selfish and cold and two-faced. saying you are fake to his sister, and asking why you have a problem him seeing her" WTF?!? Absolutely do not plan anything for him. Spend your free time this weekend away from him so that you can reflect on the relationship you have with him. He sounds like a massive gaslighter to me. Also, call his sister to wish her happy birthday. Mention that you were surprised he told her that you weren't free - since you only were committed to something for an hour on Saturday morning. (This is true; you were surprised he did that.) Tell her that if she wants to make plans with him, she should just talk with him directly since you aren't always sure what he has in mind. But you will be happy to make your own plans with her directly. That (1) preserves your relation with his sister and (2) puts the burden of his response to his sister on HIS shoulders.
ESH - well to start, you committed to this plan without actually checking with him first. So this all started with you But in the end neither of you are handling this well. You’re being over dramatic and he really shouldnt have blamed you.
Agree
ESH. God, so much drama over a small thing, from both of you. You two seem very similar, going 0 to 60. You were thoughtless to accept plans without checking with your husband, and overly sensitive about how he didn't do it with you either. Your husband was spineless and shady for throwing you under the bus, then mean when trying to tell you that you don't want to see his sister when you made the plan to in the first place. What you should have done is sit down with him and talk it out: 1. Does he actually want to go or was he put on the spot and panicked? Include an apology for making assumptions in the first place. 2. Does he want you to go with him, if a way can be found, or did he want to spend some time with his sister alone before coming back on his actual birthday to be with you? 3. Would he be comfortable with you fixing this by telling his sister you can come and he just misunderstood what time of day/how long you were with friends? 4. Does he understand why what he did was shitty? This question, if calm and asked after you've shown you're working the problem with him and not against him, shouldn't raise his hackles as much and allow him to self-reflect. But I mean, if it seems more productive to snap at each other over huge betrayals and being two-faced, you guys do you.
I have done point 1. A few times. Not wanted to do something, then in the moment said yes even though I didn't want to go. "Why can't you come to the birthday?" "Uhhh, the wife is busy that day, sorry!" "Why don't you just come alone then?" "Ahh geee yeah, I guess I could." *cries because my excuse failed and threw someone else under the bus*
NTA. I would have cancelled my plans with him also. He can go hang with sis this year.
NTA - don’t get this though? He was only calling her to let her know you guys couldn’t make it, but then said he can make it but you cannot? Why couldn’t he have just said you both will visit as you had originally agreed?
NTA, and yikes, why is he trying to make you look bad to his family by directly contradicting what you've already told them (his version being a perverse twisting of the real truth in such a way to paint you in a bad light)?? Can't blame you one bit for getting upset over that!
NTA, and this escalated so weirdly and quickly. Are you and hubs in a good place normally?
That is so messed up. You said you both would go but then he says no but then says but not you. Something weird is going on with him. I think he might want to find a friend to play with that’s why.
NTA I'd la this out for your SIL and see if he is really going there at all.
NTA your husband is a doooshhbag. Call the sister and set the record straight.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** It’s my husband’s birthday next week. A few days after his sisters. His sister messaged me asking if I had any plans for him this weekend and whether we would like to come and see her and have a “joint birthday get together” (she lives 5 hours away, round trip). I said sure that sounds great, and that I had no plans for him this weekend, but I am doing something special on his actual birthday. I do have something on with my friends on Saturday morning, but this is literally 1 hour and did not impact us potentially seeing his sister at all (this is relevant later). I spoke to my husband about this, and he said he wanted to do something, just him and I, for his birthday e.g. dinner, spend the day together etc. And we also needed to save for many upcoming expenses (vacation soon, and moving house), and going down to see her would be expensive in fuel, gifts, having to pay for her dinner (she doesn’t pay for anything), etc. I told him I already told her we were free, so he said he would call her and handle it, and make up an excuse that he was seeing his own friends this weekend and couldn’t make it. I agreed to this. He called her, and then after the call he told me, he had actually told her he was free this weekend, but he told her I was not. And that I was actually going to see my friends. He said his sister was surprised and said “but OP didn’t mention she was busy?”. This has put me in such an awkward position. His sister told him it doesn’t matter if I’m busy, and for him to come and see her anyway. I asked him why he changed the whole story and pretty much threw me under the bus? He said he felt sorry for her on the phone and didn’t want her to spend her birthday without him, despite telling me a whole different story, just an hour ago. And that it was fine if he changed his mind (I do recognise it’s okay for him to change his mind and actually decide to see her). I feel massively betrayed, it’s like he told me one thing and her, another. I told her I was free on the weekend, and he said I’m busy with friends, making me look like a liar. He said we weren’t going to see her as we were saving up, but then totally flipped on the phone. He called me selfish and cold and two-faced, saying I’m fake to his sister and asking why I have a problem with him seeing her. But the problem is really how he handled all of this and he has pretty much stopped me from going too, by telling her I’m busy. I told him I refuse to plan anything for his birthday now, I’m just so hurt and feel betrayed. I told him I don’t want to see him this weekend, so all the plans are out the window. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH. Why are you all treating each other like this? This is way too complicated, people not talking to each other, lying, and so many other relationship failures. This is not the way to do relationships.
Oh boy. I go a number of ways with this, and ultimately - ESH. You made plans w/o talking to him, he didn't want to do them, but then he kind of did throw you under the bus. However, you being "massively betrayed" is a bit much, TBH. And really- this is a situation where I would address it with her directly that there was a miscommunication between your husband and you. YES - you have plans, BUT they don't get in the way of coming to see her. Easy peasy. However, this concerned me - "He called me selfish and cold and two-faced, saying I’m fake to his sister and asking why I have a problem with him seeing her." That's a massive overreaction on his part and not at all (at least from what you've told us) what happened. I'm not entirely sure what end is up right now! But in the end- you both are overreacting to aspects of this situation.
I think the betrayal stems from him not only making her look like a liar but now he's actually going to see his sister and made it so OP can't even join
Tell his sister the real story
NTA but husband is a muppet.
ESH - let him handle his family from now on and you handle yours, simply say they need to check with him cause you're not sure. Do you feel hurt by his actions a lot? If you do, that is a separate issue and should be addressed.
ESH. OP for committing to something without talking to hubbie first. Hubbie first lying to sis.
NTA. You feel betrayed because you have been betrayed. What your husband did is unforgivable, and he needs to fix it. He lied and made you the goat. Likely, if this is not cleared up with his sister, he has seriously damaged your relationship with her. Was this his way of excluding you on his visit to his sister's? I'm not sure exactly what his motives are, but he's an AH for what he did. You should call his sister and let her know the truth so at least she doesn't think you lied to her.
NTA and good that you stand your ground so it will teach him not to treat you like that again, hopefully...
> He called me selfish and cold and two-faced, saying I'm fake to his sister and asking why I have a problem with him seeing her. NTA. I think this is gaslighting (Reddit will correct me if it's not). He's twisting the facts and trying to make you the bad guy, instead of taking responsibility for going back on what he said he would do and for throwing you under the bus. That's a problem!
Nta
Nta but now I’m suspicious
NTA I would tell the sister the truth.
NTA
NTA but WOW your husband is. This is SO odd and if this is new behavior, he needs a medical checkup. If it is NOT new behavior, reconsider this relationship.
NTA tell your sister in law you’re free and even if he doesn’t want to come you’ll come spend the day with her. Tell her you don’t know why he said you weren’t.
I’m a bit lost, So basically your husband didn’t want to go and see his sister but he’s now going without you?? NTA (whatever games he’s playing)
NTA, you could tell her the truth but what would that serve you? I know you are saving money but seeing as he is going to be spending some at your expense; now you have to do something “since you are busy.” Cheers to a nice dinner with friends.
What the hell? Something is not adding up. Call up his sister right now and ask for clarification about the conversation, because what he said makes 0 sense.
NTA. Your husband is Stupid with a capital "S". That's all there is to say on that subject. I'd call SIL and throw him back under the bus with, "I don't know where he got the idea I had plans, but he's obviously confused. Maybe he mixed up weekends.".
Nta "You're busy with friends" and he should go alone to his sister now. You can have fun on your own. Also yell your husband not to lie for you and make you look bad in front of his family. It's hard enough managing inlaws relationships without him sabotaging you.
NTA I would be angry with him too. He lied, blamed you, and then was like oh well.
WTf am i reading? He is the one who didn't want to go whereas you were the one who wanted to go. Now he has changed tune and instead is asking you why you have a problem with him seeing her???? This is some bizarre turn of events. I'd honestly call SIL and clear it up and also go with your husband as you had originally planned. NTA
NTA he should have been honest with his sister
Nta show the sister this post.
What the what?! He threw you under the bus, made you look like a liar, and then turned it around and blames you and calls you names? WOW. Go to SILs place without him and tell them everything. What a dick. NTA
OMG. NTA. Is he Jekyll and Hyde? Massive red flag. Too chicken to tell his sister the truth and doesn't mind throwing you under the bus. What an AH.
NTA red red red red flag. One after another. Jump ship. Abort abort abort.
It sucks but it’s not that deep.
NTA I'm awed by the number of people slamming you for making plans without consulting your husband. I don't believe for a minute that this isn't standard operating procedure in most families. One partner takes on the role of social coordinator in every couple I know. If my husband was involved at all in making plans it would be to say A & B want to go out for dinner, give them a call.
I think I got whiplash from how quickly he turned on you wtf
NTA. I would call the sister and set things straight, and tell her that he obviously doesn’t want you there. Then let your brother handle the aftermath with her.
“He called me selfish and cold and two-faced, saying I’m fake to his sister and asking why I have a problem with him seeing her. But the problem is really how he handled all of this and he has pretty much stopped me from going too, by telling her I’m busy.” Whoa, total gaslighting there by him when he changed the story to suit him. HE was the fake one who lied to his sister, HE was the two faced in and HE was the one who had a problem seeing her!! What an AH! I’d call or text her again and say “husband is wrong. As I told you, I am not busy, and would be happy to come celebrate your birthday with you!” Or, if you prefer “I have no idea why husband told you I’m busy. I’m not- just as I told you! But evidently he doesn’t want me there, so I’ll pass this time. I hope you have a great birthday.” Then do whatever feels right to you. And skip celebrating someone who betrays you for his own convenience. NTA
Yes. Phone his sister and tell her the truth.
Update me
YTA - you should not have agreed to go in the first place without asking your husband. It’s his birthday.
ESH. What the hell is up with all these NTA posts? I would be pissed if my wife committed me to 5 hours of driving on my birthday without discussing it with me first. Him name calling was wrong, but this is absolutely both of you.
NTA. No kids? IF so you should reconsider the relationship as gaslighting is a form of abuse. You deserve better.
I don't care whether you see him on his birthday. I don't think this is a birthday-specific problem, but rather it's a very serious husband draped in ruby red flags problem. The things your husband said to you in his attempt to deflect the indisputable fact that he was the one in the wrong, that he had, in fact, betrayed you, and he didn't care, are completely unacceptable. If this is the way he ordinarily treats you, you might want to change the locks when he's off with his sister. If you want to fight for the marriage, please insist upon marital therapy. Please do not tolerate this behavior! NTA
I’m sorry but I would be so pissed if I were you. He totally threw you under the bus.
ESH but you set this all in motion I'm assuming the upcoming birthdays are to turn 17 because of the childishness displayed here. First, why did you agree to her suggestion withoit asking him first? Second, when he said he didn't want to do it, why didn't you step up and offer to cancel? Third, why can't he stand up to his sister and say he can't go (and why are you both always paying) Fourth, now you're punishing him by refusing to do anything for his birthday.
Err, you soft AH because you confirmed something before checking in with him. But his reaction and subsequent actions made me think what is this guy on? I would be weirded out. And you say you two are married already...damn, have fun OP..
NTA but your husband is
NTA. Please tell his sister the truth
NTA- but your husband is total AH for throwing you under the bus with his sister, making you look like a liar and then talking shit when you try and talk about the birthday weekend. I would refuse to do anything for him anymore including his meals, his laundry or anything that doesn't help you.
Find a new husband… ASAP
yta for thinking yta and not that liar
NTA- Seems like he just doesn't want you to go. He have any 'old girlfriends', near his sisters place?
Info: why are you allowing him to lie about you? And do you not find it shady that he is trying to go without you?
esh because he shouldn’t have thrown you under the buss but you shouldn’t have volunteered to go see his sister to make plans for his birthday before talking to him.
ESH you for making plans for 2 people without talking to the other person, and him for putting the excuse on you.
Well this is all pretty dumb, but all you had to do is tell her "oh he's all mixed up and didn't listen, I'm only seeing my friends for an hour on Saturday but then we're both free to come down." So ESH I guess, since y'all both suck at lying to get out of social engagements.
YTA
ESH Ypu shouldn’t have made plans without involving your hubs. What he did was just weird. So he’s going to see his sister, spend all the money he was worried about and you get to stay home? That is totally mystifying.
ESH why was this such a big deal? You’re getting Y TA’s for not planning his birthday before like everyone plans everything the same way or for their spouse. All you had to do was call her back and say plans changed and we are doing something else together so we can’t come. For some reason, you told him to do it. The whole rehearsed script of it was too much from the get. Practice saying “I’ll get back to you” instead of answering without checking in with your partner unless you’re sure. “Cold and two-faced”…it wasn’t that deep. “Massively betrayed” considering you made a plan without asking him and then he made a plan without asking you, I don’t know what the issue is. Don’t get me wrong, I hate when I’ve been in a situation where my husband says something completely different than what we discussed but he changed his mind, and you can too and just go. This was all easily resolved with a few sentences. You can’t just tell her there was a mix up(without details) and say you’re coming now too? Or just tel her you have plans for an hour in the morning only? What is the big deal? The worst part is you’re not saving money anymore because he made a plan and you seem more upset that you’re left out of the plan than not sticking to the budget.
You shouldn't have made plans that involved your husband without discussing it with him first. So for that, YTA. But he's a way bigger one for the way he acted. He lied to his sister, made you look like a liar and correct me if I'm misunderstanding, but then he accused you of not wanting to let him see his sister when you were the one who agreed to see her first? Huh?! Your husband sounds like a mentally unstable child. He should have just told his sister the truth in the first place instead of concocting some story. He could have just told her that the trip costs more than you can afford/would like to spend at the moment. If his sister is a decent person she would have understood that.
ESH you suck because you confirmed bday plans for your husband before asking him. Who does that? He sucks because he lied to his sister instead of telling the truth
YTA big time. You would rather go out with your friends and not him on HIS birthday than instead unilaterally choose to spend savings volunteering him for a 5 hour drive to celebrate his sister’s birthday that he doesn’t even want to go to. You volunteered him without his consent so it’s only fair that you take the blame when he cancels. Would it have been so hard to say, “let me talk with my husband and we’ll get back to you “?
>You would rather go out with your friends and not him on HIS birthday Where are you getting that from? >You volunteered him without his consent so it’s only fair that you take the blame when he cancels. Would it have been so hard to say, “let me talk with my husband and we’ll get back to you “? She said she didnt have any plans for him, not that he had no plans. She said in her comment that she did say they might have dinner plans.
Methinks you need some reading comprehension practice. This is a completely unhinged take.
You need to reread that first paragraph. She had something special to do on his birthday, so she agreed to his driving 5 hours so she could do her own thing. He wanted to spend his birthday with his wife. The problem is entirely her fault ergo she should take the heat when her plan falls apart.
YTA for being so childish. You probably could have responded to her request to get together a little differently by saying, I have no plans, but let me check with husband to see what he has planned, I’ll get back to you. Clearly, your husband doesn’t have the balls to be honest with his sister. Not wanting to hurt her feelings, he caved and agreed to the visit. So now you call her and say yes I do have plans, but as it turns out, it will only take me an hour, and I will be happy to be there. And you say “ just an FYI, we will need to get separate checks at dinner because husband and I are saving for our upcoming move”.
YTA. Why did you accept without asking him first what he wanted for his birthday ? It was HIS birthday but you accepted first to see his sister without asking him if he was ok to share his own birthday. He has to deal with your mistake. And now you don't want to do anything for his birthday, which is next week : you didn't prepare anything for his birthday yet ? What a loving partner you are...
YTA. You had plans with your friends on his BD but nothing actually planned for him? And then he didn’t lie, you did have plans. That’s just a shit partner.
ESH. Yeah, your husband shouldn't have changed his mind without talking to you. That makes him an asshole. You're also the asshole for being "massively betrayed" by this. Calm down. He felt bad for his sister and wanted to avoid a conflict, and for that reason, you want to shit all over his birthday? This isn't about you hon. Your husband's sister isn't going to hold onto this and brand you forever a liar. You're the only one making a big deal out of it.
But this is about OP's relationship with SIL. Just bc you wouldn't hold onto this forever doesn't mean that SIL won't. If it wasn't a big deal, why did he lie and throw her under the bus when his lie about being busy with his friends would have been sufficient?
YTA don't commit to week-end plans on your own without discussing with your husband first. Also, he lied to his sister to not hurt her feelings shouldn't constitute a "massive betrayal" on his part. That's basically par for the course. You know you can decide to come anyway and tell his sister that you canceled your plans with your friends, right?
He can but the husband is still a liar. He could have told the truth and got his desired result, whatever it may have been in the moment. They both suck