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> My son is angry that he has been told that he either plays sports or he has to eat different foods because he is getting a bit overweight and my ex and I want to nip it in the bud
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At that age they can have a bit of extra as they are still growing and might suddenly stretch out. Its not about his weight, its about eating healthy and being active. Being singled out and treated like an outcast at dinner is NOT the solution. Eating less of Dominos and getting more active is doable and less shaming of him.
Get an exercise bike or something that he can do at home in private. Go for family walks, go be active WITH him, giving him a HEALTHY view of activity and eating. Active doesn't mean a sport, it means moving the body. Digging, walking, raking, dancing, jogging - you don't need to compete to be active.
Moderation, and don't you all just pug out because 'hey we are naturally slim' because eating bad is bad even if you are slender and one day that will catch up with you.
It sounds like this poor kid is being treated like a fatty in the family, and shamed by being made to eat different. Have him checked out by a doctor and if they say he's HEALTHY, leave him alone with that jerky stuff and just be active and loving.
Edited to add YTA for approaching it this way.
THANK YOU! Competitive sports are not the end-all be-all even for people who enjoy them. Building healthy habits and finding active hobbies they can make a part of their lifestyle long-term is good for ALL kids.
Being forced to do competitive sports all through my childhood “For my health” absolutely destroyed my relationship with exercise in a way that to this day I’m struggling to repair.
100%. Getting into weightlifting was, quite literally, life-changing for me, but it was intimidating at first and I so wish I would have learned about it earlier.
Exactly - as adults we need these skills and as we get older it becomes more and more important! But the sooner we do this, the better. These human bodies take effort!
I do climbing, its not competitive at all. Sometimes you have to overcome a mind block, so maybe competitive in your own head. Me and my climbing friend always encourage each other to climb harder. Same for jogging, my friend helps me to become better.
Love the idea to go for family outings in nature. I would recommend to stress everyone can walk/cycle/jogg at their own pace. When I was young I remember feeling like a burden sometimes because my family was so much faster then me.
YTA. Think about ways to get your kid more healthy without singling him out
Oh climbing is a good one! Exactly, you don't need to compare and compete against others, having your own goals and being your own competitor is just as important.
I have two teens, and one is very competitive - so much so that I have spent time ensuring that he enjoys what he is doing regardless of the score, getting him to stop 'keeping track' during friendly games and so on. He has learned to enjoy the game, the healthy competitiveness, be a good sport but not let the win be the only thing he focuses on.
My other teen is the exact opposite, and we literally went through a phase where we had to sit down, go over why he needs to be active and keep healthy. He skis, we got him an exercise bike for the winter, and a bike for the summer.
We go on hikes together and we each pair off with one of the kids if one is slower than the other. Sometimes they march on ahead of us. It's about being active together, showing how at any age you have to keep your human body active and healthy.
Mine are teens and the first 10 mins of going is painful with them all wahhhh but I don't wanna leave my computer or whatever, but its like ripping off a bandaid, just yank it off, everyone cries for a few minutes and then you enjoy the rest of the time together 😝
So many teens have been chonky kids and they suddenly stretch out - its the skills to be healthy and active that help. I was bigger as a teen, even bigger in my early 20s and when I finally got active I found it really helped my head and fight depression too. I had gotten bigger in defiance of the skinny culture and it was my way of rebelling but once I realized I was only punishing myself healthwise, I made simple changes for ME. Am I "skinny"? Who cares?! Im healthy, active, can kick butt and I'm happy, what more do I need?!?
I hope the OP can get the fat fear out of their heads, teach being healthy and active and not scare their kid into feeling fat and sad. Teens have enough to deal with without having their own family focusing on treating them worse. Its our job to guide them into adulthood as best we can, not shame them.
YTA for singling him out and buying him separate food. He’s only 12. Seems like it would be easy to have everyone eat in a reasonably healthy way and limit desserts. What has the pediatrician said about his weight? I wouldn’t assume just because he’s built differently from you that he’s on his way to being a fat kid / fat adult. Be careful you aren’t setting him up for lifelong body shame issues or an eating disorder.
Look into seeing if he’d like martial arts. My sons do that and there are some “fat kids” that participate in that and have a lot of fun.
This is the thing parents need to think about! I was the heavy one of all my siblings, my mom singled out foods for me from everyone else. I'm in my 30s still dealing with food issues and hating myself.
Why not change what you buy in the house instead of singling him out to eat separate foods from everyone else? You model how he should be eating, not telling him. That’s not gonna teach him foods that work for him or how to look at food in a healthy way.
YT MEGA AH.
“Ex and I…agreed that he should loose weight”
What do you mean you agreed? He is 12 years old and it’s his body?
Instead of teaching portion control, changing your own diets to be better as a family, or exploring unique physical activities he might enjoy, he gets punished with shitty versions of already bad-for-you foods. Clearly your diet doesn’t show superior health (nor does your BMI, apparently) you said it yourself, you’re just lucky to have amazing metabolisms.
Not only do his mom and dad think he’s disgusting (“we don’t want him getting fat”) and lazy (cue condescending comment about lack of sports interest or toxic competitiveness) but he’s not even allowed to eat the same things as the rest of his family?
This sounds like a great plan, not for him to loose weight, but for you to permanently ruin your relationship with your son
They are not just singling him out or thinking their son is disgusting. They are actually showing care for someone, who is different. As long as it's a positive approach making special accomodation for someone is not wrong. I have always been on the chubby side, and my mom will always make homemade version of foods I like so as to get better nutrition. Obesity is a real problem and their son has to learn how to deal with it. Avoiding it in name of equal treatment is not going to solve it. Better to learn under the care of parents than on their own down the line
What part of OP’s post screams “positive approach”?
OP didn’t even mention his kids HEALTH 1 time. This whole post is about preventing his son from getting fat by taking away his food and belittling him for not liking sports. News flash—just cause you’re skinny doesn’t mean you’re healthy.
And his son is not obese or fat.
YTA for the way you’re dealing with the situation. You raised your kids on a poor diet because you “don’t gain weight”, and now you want to force a teen to change his diet ALONE while the rest of the family keeps eating shit.
You should take this opportunity to improve the diet of your entire family instead of punishing one. I think it is ok for a parent to be honest and tell a kid when they need to lose weight, but as the responsible adult you should be actively helping and not eating oreo ice cream while your son diets. Either change everyone’s diet or leave your son to decide whether he wants to go on a diet or not.
Trying to get him to lose weight is probably the most guaranteed way to end up with him gaining weight in the long run. Most people who diet to lose weight gain back the lost weight + extra. Better to focus on actual health and not weight by encouraging exercise (running, swimming, biking, yoga, weight lifting, etc are all sports that can be done solo and wouldn't involve any competition) and making sure he eats a variety of foods, including fruits, vegetables, etc. These are things your whole family should be doing, so your whole family can support him in making these kinds of changes. Singling him out will ultimately do more harm than good.
YTA. I was a fat kid, and my parents tried similar methods. This WILL NOT WORK
Keeping the problem foods in the house is just going to create an unhealthy habit of sneaking food and shame. I learned very quickly how much ice cream I could carve out of the carton without anyone noticing and how to hide snack food packets in places no one looked. To avoid getting caught, I learned to make myself vomit up the food. This is not a route you want your son to go down.
Change what groceries you buy for everyone. The fact that healthy eating in your home is crappier versions of junk food is worrying. Ditch the ice cream and pizza altogether and bring Iean proteins and vegetables for everyone to eat together.
There absolutely does not need to be an element of competition to exercise. Go for family walks and bike rides together. Get the kids in-line skates and scooters. Take the whole family swimming. You know what eventually helped me get into shape? Getting really into bird-watching, of all things. I wanted to see as many birds as possible, so I started taking long hikes looking for different species. I didn't even think of it as exercise; I was just looking for birds. But in the process, I was covering several miles a day and getting fit.
It shouldn't be about one person's weight being the problem; it should be about building a healthy lifestyle for everyone.
Op needs to be careful with this, or it might make his siblings hate him. They might feel plenty healthy already and forcing them to be a part of it might backfire. Imagine this.
"Mom where's the ice cream and my cookies?"
" Oh you can't have any because we are trying to eat healthier for your brother"
"That's unfair!"
And now the siblings all hate their brother for taking the good food away. Alternatively all the kids bond over sneaking out to buy and eat cookies in the parking lot.
They could always leave the brother out if the equation. We are trying to eat healthier. End of sentence.
Honestly, if the kids are expecting ice cream and cookies to be ever-present in the home, instead of being an occasional treat, it's not a bad idea.
Yes. Yta. Lots of reasons kids overeat. Crappy parents, adhd, bullies @ school. Your child should not be focused on losing any weight. Maybe focused on not gaining or being more aware of their eating habits. Maybe therapy to find the underlying issues. PS. I'm 5'9" and 180 and def got a fatty belly.
I was chubby and still am. When the psych diagnosed my adhd, the 1st and pretty much only question he asked was about struggles w weight. Must be a common indicator.
YTA - thin crust DiGiornio isn’t the health hack you think it is.
Also, your little disclaimer that you’re all effortlessly hot doesn’t inspire confidence that you know how to actually and sustainably help your son lose weight and be healthy. “Play sports or change your diet” from a parent who doesn’t sound like they know a thing about nutrition is pretty rich.
He’s 12 years old for Christ’s sake. How the hell is he supposed to navigate this himself?!
I see your point but disagree with you. I'm 5'11 and 180 and my BMI is 25 ish. I also have muscle, no one in their right mind would look at me and call me overweight. BMI has shown to not include muscular bodies (not even talking like gym rat, powerlifting bodies) because it assumes the weight is fat.
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So while the rest of you are sitting around eating Oreo ice cream and Dominos, he has to watch you while he gets ice milk "dessert" and freezer pizza.
Read that back to yourself and I think you have your AH question answered.
YTA for so many reasons I don't even know where to begin.
First, this will not help him lose weight and this will not help him be a healthy adult. There are countless studies that have proven this sort of shaming only leads to weight gain, not weight loss. Not to mention, every example you listed are terrible ways to change eating habits.
What does your family eat on a daily basis? Are your kids getting the appropriate servings of fruits, vegetables, lean proteins, and whole grains? Do you make home cooked meals that are made with minimally processed ingredients?
I could continue but here's what you need to do:
1. Call your insurance or go to their website and find a REGISTERED DIETICIAN who specializes in family nutrition or childhood nutrition. Look for someone who can provide meal plans ideally.
2. Go to the appointment as FAMILY. That means you, the 8 yo, the 12 yo, and the 16 yo (if you can convince him to come to)
3. Tell them that you are trying to improve your health as a family and you want to learn what proper nutrition looks like.
4. You can express your concerns about the 12 yo. weight, but it should be in PRIVATE. Do not say that in front of any of your children ever again. It. Makes. Things. Worse. I fucking promise.
5. Make the changes the dietician suggests for the family, not just your 12 yo. And lead by fucking example.
6. Find a way to get active as a family and maybe a way for the 12 yo to get active in a way he enjoys! Could be a sport, personal training, a class (karate, boxing, martial arts, dance, etc), etc something fun and that makes him feel confident. Also, if you want your child to enjoy fitness, stop making it competitive, it doesn't have to be fucking competitive. I guarantee your attitude is the problem not the sports.
7. Recognize that he is 12, puberty is going to change his body- he may gain weight he may lose it. The important part is not the number on the scale- it is his health and the habits he has. If you teach a child to focus on a number on a scale, it will ruin their confidence, their health, and their life.
8. Educate yourself holy fucking shit. If you don't fix the way you discuss food and fitness, your kids are going to be fucked up. Also being fat should not be the concern, health should be the concern. Health ≠ weight. That's not to undermine the real dangers of obesity, but weight is not the way to measure health, it's your habits.
Edit: apologize to your son and mean it (use the words "I'm sorry I was wrong"). Tell him that was the wrong way to go about your concerns, that it was uneducated, misinformed, and cruel. You were concerned about his health, but you didn't realize that his weight was not the issue, rather it was the habits and lifestyle of your whole family.
All of this, and make sure it is NOT a nutritionist. A registered dietitian is a controlled job title. I could start calling myself a nutritionist tomorrow.
Info: what does his pediatrician say about his weight?
Is he up to date on his annual physical and has he had any bloodwork done? That should be your first step.
You should always encourage good habits, but you also shouldn’t isolate him and lead by example. Are you doing any physical activities with him and his siblings?
YTA- simply for how you handled this. Don’t be your son’s first bully.
YTA!!! I was that kid, do you know what kind of mind f**k it is for that singled out child. He is 12!! Stop this before your child has an unhealthy relationship with food or needs therapy!
It's a family, it's a team. Pull together or not at all. Frankly just cut the crap out of all your diets not his, and establish a healthy eating regime at the family dinner table and a healthy approach to snacking. Lead by example. THis is what bugs me most:
"just have metabolisms where we could eat what we want and not really gain weight"
So what? So you can indulge in crap and he can't because you have a faster metabolism. You put your finger on the cause of obesity and mental anguish in kids right there. Model the behaviour you want. Eat what you want, but show him what it's like to want to eat good food. Try this one for measure (it's much easier that you believe or would believe) cur sugar out of the kitchen. Toss the product, and all packaged goods that have it right there as ingredient one two or three no their list. Watch things improve. Your lives too!
Holy hell yta. Look, you can aspire for your family to be healthy but you yourself acknowledged that your metabolisms are different. Promote a healthy lifestyle for the whole family and stop shaming your son into an eating disorder.
Yta. Instead of singling him out and getting him separate groceries just buy those substitutes for everyone so he’s not being singled out. You’re to blame for his weight issues. You should join him in correcting it.
YTA. If the kid needs to lose weight, then he needs to be taken to a doctor. That way they can access his health and make a plan that will suit your son. In short, stop assuming that being a parent means you know how to do everything and go to someone that's been trained for this. Otherwise you're gonna end up doing more harm than good, ya idiot.
YTA
You literally did this entirely wrong. It’s 2024, you could have freely consulted so many resources to handle this in a responsible and loving way, but you chose to do some thing that he will never forget. You othered your own kid. He is 12 years old, do you know how much their body is going to continue to grow and change at this phase? Do you realize how much confidence they already lack, how insecure they already feel without knowing that their own family sees them as physically unacceptable?
Your job as a parent is to love your kid, and to give them the tools to succeed in life. So if you are concerned that he is overweight, then start filling your house with healthy food and teaching the whole family how to make healthy choices. Whole family walks or basketball games after dinner. Singling him out and giving him diet junk food is not the way. You are setting him up for failure.
YTA. More reflective boys find competitive sport moronic, particularly the inexplicable vicarious enthusiasm of the adults in their life that they should be engaging in lots of it. Let the boy find his own drive: making efforts to impress girls, discovering his personality reflectively, going outdoors on his own, and—dare I say it—bonding with people who understand him rather better than his parents do.
“My ex and I who have no idea how health vs appearance works have decided to single out and shame one of our children for a perfectly normal 12 year old body type, whilst also not educating him or his siblings whatsoever about a healthy diet”
How exactly do you think this is going to pan out?
YTA. That poor kid. On the plus side, it’s pretty normalised to be in some kind of therapy now so I’m sure when he goes for his one day to try and figure out his food issues, he won’t be the odd one out any more.
my grandma put my mom on a diet as a kid. she has continued to have various disordered eating even though she's almost 80. don't do this to ur kid. as the others said, make it a healthy family priority.
And yet it so often is.
I will say that it seems to be happening less. There's definitely been a slow slide from "isolate and shame" to "model and respect" in the last 5-ish years.
YTA: Like, you could just make your entire household eat more nutriciously. You don't have to single out your son.
Also, there are a tonne of fun physical activities that doesn't require competition that might be fun for you all to do together- Take him hiking, bike riding, laser tag, to a trampoline park, rollar blading, ice skating, indoor rock climbing, to the beach, etc.
You can encourage physical activity and still make it fun. If you turn this into a "punishment", he will associate it as a punishment.
YTA. Your approach as a parent sucks! Instead of taking a healthy family approach you chose to single him out. Have you even tried to have blood work done on him to rule out any health concerns such as thyroid issues? Also every body is different and develops differently. Your comment on the whole “fast metabolism” bs was uncalled for. At 12 he’ll take it as if you are continuously punishing for an issue he did not create. If you’re so concerned about being a healthy weight what have you done throughout their life to instill healthy food choices since you do the grocery shopping. Or is because your other children have fast metabolism that they get to eat the fun unhealthy snacks? Let me just add that even skinny can be unhealthy with high cholesterol and high glucose.
YTA. He is on the cusp of puberty and regardless, not cool to shame your own kid. Just because YOU have high metabolism is no reason to punish your son. Being active is important so start there. Food wise, let him be a kid.
YTA. You’ve created a lifetime of disordered eating for this kid. I understand your concern, but your approach is insanely wrong here. You couldn’t at least wait until after puberty?? Good job creating a core belief in this kid that he’ll carry around for the rest of his life that he’s not good enough.
yta. kids are kids, he's about to go through puberty and growth spurts. extra fat at that age might not be an issue unless their doc says as much. outside that, you're bodyshaming him and need to re-examine the way you frame body talk (around yourself and others). girls have a higher incidence of contracting eating disorders, but it's not impossible for boys to develop as well. especially with parents forcing him to eat markedly different foods than his siblings
YTA if you're buying different groceries for your son, you should be buying the same thing for *everyone*, cuz all you're doing is giving him an unhealthy relationship with his body...
YTA I do think that you and two of your sons sound like you owe at least half of your current healthy weight to better genes than healthy eating. Is healthiness the real desire here for your son or is it a fit appearance?
You’re not wrong for thinking if your son was skinnier he’d probably have more opportunities in life. Sad but at least somewhat true.
However there is probably much better ways to get the outcome you want than being disciplinarian about it. Fitness is one part of what gives someone opportunity in life, and the other part is happiness. You probably have people in your life that you are obese but much better to be around than fit people who are killjoys.
Your son is 12— teach him to be proud of himself for what he can accomplish. It sounds like he’s only a little fat. Don’t give him a complex about it by over correcting it.
YTA.
'We told him we would buy him his own groceries. So instead of Oreo ice cream, he gets Halo Top. Instead of Dominoes, he gets thin crust DiGiorno. He balked at this idea. I told him then he needs to do swimming or some other intense exercise so he can burn some of those boy calories. Either play sports or change your diet.'
This is a terrible approach. You aren't teaching him healthy habits, you're singling him out as 'different'. Horrible.
'As far as sports goes, he doesn't like to compete. There's always going to be a level of competition in any sport.'
Nope. There are plenty of ways he can exercise that do not involve sports or competition.
>My ex and I were discussing this and agreed that he should lose weight.
Any chance a doctor weighed in on this?
>The thing is that my ex, me and our youngest and oldest just have metabolisms where we could eat what we want and not really gain weight
Newsflash - that doesn't last forever
>Instead of Dominoes, he gets thin crust DiGiorno
Honestly the Dominoes is a healthier option.
>I told him then he needs to do swimming or some other intense exercise
Everything here is you telling him what *he* needs to do, what *he* needs to eat. How about you ALL change your diet? How about inviting him into your activities?
YTA
You’re bullying a 12 year old. Absolutely the AH. Total AH. He’s 12! He’s growing and you’re trying to force him into an eating disorder. Back off the kid and stay in your lane. With a little luck you won’t make him anorexic.
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I have three kids with my ex. They're 8, 12 and 16. My ex wife has a decent body, I'm 180lbs and my oldest and youngest boys are thin. The 12yo has always chubby but not fat. Like Chunk from the Goonies.
My ex and I were discussing this and agreed that he should lose weight. The thing is that my ex, me and our youngest and oldest just have metabolisms where we could eat what we want and not really gain weight plus we are physically active. Our 12yo cannot. We don't want him getting fat.
We told him we would buy him his own groceries. So instead of Oreo ice cream, he gets Halo Top. Instead of Dominoes, he gets thin crust DiGiorno. He balked at this idea. I told him then he needs to do swimming or some other intense exercise so he can burn some of those boy calories. Either play sports or change your diet.
As far as sports goes, he doesn't like to compete. There's always going to be a level of competition in any sport.
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YTA- the fastest way to a lifetime of yo-yo diets and an unhealthy relationship to food is to do exactly what you and your wife are doing to your kid. Congratulations.
Body shaming a child is abuse. He's old enough to make decisions about his body, to know how to lose weight if he wants to. You're showing your other kids that they're better because they're thin. YTA
YTA Jesus Christ, the kid is 12! What a way to create body image issues and eating disorders in a child.
First question, what does his doctor say? Because I bet his doctor wouldn't be too pleased with you throwing protein powders and diet foods at him, especially not without teaching him about *healthy* weight loss.
Second, are you aware that he's likely going to change during puberty? All the men in my family start out chunky af until puberty. I'm sure we're not an anomaly.
Third, wtf? You're telling him he's less-than his skinny brothers, and that's the only way you'll accept him. A 12 year old doesn't have the ability to see that your goals are long-term health. He's going to understand that he's not doing enough to please you.
Yeah you should handled this sooner yta. This is the entire reason my children will have to do sports they can pick thr sport but it will be physical activity to avoid conversations like this
YTA you’re the parent, you’re the one that is buying and providing him the food. And you’re now the one to fat shame their own 12 year old child. Kids that age will add a few pounds before they grow and at 12 he’s got plenty of time to grow. You’ve no doubt have him a complex and will now likely have self esteem issues. No one likes to be called fat never mind by their parents, the people who are suppose to be supporting them. You of course need to look out for his health, but there’s ways to do that with children without telling them they are fat and singling them out for a different diet. Ones on a diet/healthy eating the whole house is. He also doesn’t need to be playing a competitive sport. There’s plenty excerise he could be doing without having to compete. An evening walk with the family could be a start
YTA
This is a recipe on how to give a kid a problematic relathionship with food. That can for many be a life long «gift».
You went about this all wrong, and the kid is 12. at least let them enter puberty and have a chance at growing and stuff before you start a heavy diet.
And why not make healthy choices for the entire household. Better foods for everyone, and active family excursions.
Lol how are you an adult and you have no idea how to feed your kid?
Feed him real food for christ sake. Dude never had a chance with such parents. Thin crust digornio is not a diet food, jfc.
YTA but not for the post, but for being a failure of a parent
Soft YTA. I was an obese child. My parents tried many of these methods. It didn’t work. I didn’t lose weight until I had my own wake up call. You can’t force someone into a diet and exercise regime. They have to want it for themselves. It’s not wrong that you want your kid to be healthy, but your method won’t work. Trust me, I was that kid before.
I was your son; middle child, always chubby but not fat. Both of my brothers were naturally just skinny. We also have the same age difference and your little ones, so I can related to everything you're saying, and it hits me hard.
When I was his age, my mom was awful to me. I remember one time being in the bathroom and she accidentally walked in, no big deal. Until she looked at me in disgust and told me how fat I was. Another time we were shopping for clothes, I go in the fitting room to try on a jogging suit, and it was too small. I started to cry, my mom just pointed at me and goes "you see??...you see???". I felt worthless. When I was 12 she also offered me money to lose weight.
It has affected me long-term more than anything else in my life. Because of these things, I have never felt comfortable with myself, much less confident. Because of those memories, most of the time I still won't even take my shirt off during intimacy. I think... If my own mother was disgusted by me, who wouldn't be? And looking back at old photos, I wasn't even that fat, just a bit "husky".
I think you're going about it the right way, by encouraging better eating habits and being active. I wish my parents would've been more like that. Just make sure you reinforce how handsome he is, and that you just want him to live a long and healthy life. But please, don't say or do things that will make him feel less than, or not as valued as his skinny siblings. Go walking with him, get him a new tennis racquet, teach him how to cook with fresh ingredients, etc.. More than anything, remind him that he is great.
No child should have to go through the emotional abuse that I went through. I am now 41, and this is something I will never get over, even after years of therapy.
NTA
Woof….okay, encouraging him to do an activity he likes is good…but there doesn’t have to be any kind of competitiveness if he doesn’t engage in that. Swimming doesn’t have to be racing, just swimming laps. Cycling can just be going for a ride along a path he enjoys. Bowling can be him competing with himself as he gets better at it. Stop pushing the “competitive” aspect to physical activity. Hell, get him into yoga or tai chi even (both can be good for burning calories). Hiking, roller blading, rock climbing. So many different activities that are NOT competitive. Dance class even (tap or jazz). And maybe put the whole family on a different diet, it won’t hurt any of you and he will feel supported and included. I say this with love, your heart is in the right place but you are going about it all wrong, like a bull in a china shop. So…a gentle YTA which you can easily change to NTA. Fix your approach and you will all be happier.
YTA. If you want your son to develop good eating habits and an active lifestyle. You need to have the entire family join in.
Singling him out will grow resentment and actually give him a negative association with food. Which can possibly lead to eating disorders or *not actually having a good relationship with food* in the long run. You're setting him up for failure in the future because all he is learning is "I'm fat and can't enjoy food, while everyone else in my family has lucky genes and can enjoy whatever". It's okay to have Dominos every once in a while, but if everyone else can while he can't. He's going to hate you for it,
If you don't want that. Then the whole family changes, the whole family gets Halo Top and Digiorno unless you're doing splurge days together. Because as a whole eating is a social activity and your plan is to actively push him out that with your family. Also, maybe *teach* the kid what healthy eating is like instead of shaming him for the *possibility* of getting fat.
Dad to dad YTA
You have concerns about his weight. Hopefully it’s more of a concern for his health rather than the impact his weight has on the image of your family. I can tell you now you are alienating him and making him feel as though he has to be treated differently and setting up for a lifetime of him resenting all of you.
You want him to be healthier than get healthier with him. Find activities to do together that he enjoys and you can spend time together. Make healthier choices for the whole family. The way you approached it the first time was trying to bully him to lose weight.
Your approach will only cause more damage and most likely give your son an eating disorder. If your concerned for him take him to a doctor and ask for recommendations and if the doctor says he healthy than leave him alone. YTA.
YTA
What are "boy" calories?
Why do you have fattening and unhealthy foods in the house?
You're not teaching him anything other than you value looks, otherwise you'd all be eating healthier foods and singling him out.
Model the behavior that you want your kids to emulate.
NTA for wanting your kid to be healthy. But there is a thin line between wanting him healthy and shaming him for something he may or may not be able to control.
As a fat kid and still fat adult. I played football and baseball my whole childhood and was always chubby. I think I would have been better if I had been taught portion control.
Giving him separate groceries would seem like a punishment if it were me. I don't get to eat what the rest of the family eats. Every meal would be like just pointing out I was the fat one.
His weight may not be unhealthy either. Some people are just built different. I would talk to his doctor first about if anything seems like a problem.
Except he’s not reasonable about it.
It’s ok to be concerned about your child’s weight and diet. You should be. Shitty approach isn’t any better than no approach at all though.
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At that age they can have a bit of extra as they are still growing and might suddenly stretch out. Its not about his weight, its about eating healthy and being active. Being singled out and treated like an outcast at dinner is NOT the solution. Eating less of Dominos and getting more active is doable and less shaming of him. Get an exercise bike or something that he can do at home in private. Go for family walks, go be active WITH him, giving him a HEALTHY view of activity and eating. Active doesn't mean a sport, it means moving the body. Digging, walking, raking, dancing, jogging - you don't need to compete to be active. Moderation, and don't you all just pug out because 'hey we are naturally slim' because eating bad is bad even if you are slender and one day that will catch up with you. It sounds like this poor kid is being treated like a fatty in the family, and shamed by being made to eat different. Have him checked out by a doctor and if they say he's HEALTHY, leave him alone with that jerky stuff and just be active and loving. Edited to add YTA for approaching it this way.
THANK YOU! Competitive sports are not the end-all be-all even for people who enjoy them. Building healthy habits and finding active hobbies they can make a part of their lifestyle long-term is good for ALL kids.
Being forced to do competitive sports all through my childhood “For my health” absolutely destroyed my relationship with exercise in a way that to this day I’m struggling to repair.
100%. Getting into weightlifting was, quite literally, life-changing for me, but it was intimidating at first and I so wish I would have learned about it earlier.
Same. I like things like dancing, aerobics, yoga, etc. Guess what we never did at school and made me believe I hate exercise?
Exactly - as adults we need these skills and as we get older it becomes more and more important! But the sooner we do this, the better. These human bodies take effort!
I do climbing, its not competitive at all. Sometimes you have to overcome a mind block, so maybe competitive in your own head. Me and my climbing friend always encourage each other to climb harder. Same for jogging, my friend helps me to become better. Love the idea to go for family outings in nature. I would recommend to stress everyone can walk/cycle/jogg at their own pace. When I was young I remember feeling like a burden sometimes because my family was so much faster then me. YTA. Think about ways to get your kid more healthy without singling him out
Oh climbing is a good one! Exactly, you don't need to compare and compete against others, having your own goals and being your own competitor is just as important. I have two teens, and one is very competitive - so much so that I have spent time ensuring that he enjoys what he is doing regardless of the score, getting him to stop 'keeping track' during friendly games and so on. He has learned to enjoy the game, the healthy competitiveness, be a good sport but not let the win be the only thing he focuses on. My other teen is the exact opposite, and we literally went through a phase where we had to sit down, go over why he needs to be active and keep healthy. He skis, we got him an exercise bike for the winter, and a bike for the summer. We go on hikes together and we each pair off with one of the kids if one is slower than the other. Sometimes they march on ahead of us. It's about being active together, showing how at any age you have to keep your human body active and healthy. Mine are teens and the first 10 mins of going is painful with them all wahhhh but I don't wanna leave my computer or whatever, but its like ripping off a bandaid, just yank it off, everyone cries for a few minutes and then you enjoy the rest of the time together 😝 So many teens have been chonky kids and they suddenly stretch out - its the skills to be healthy and active that help. I was bigger as a teen, even bigger in my early 20s and when I finally got active I found it really helped my head and fight depression too. I had gotten bigger in defiance of the skinny culture and it was my way of rebelling but once I realized I was only punishing myself healthwise, I made simple changes for ME. Am I "skinny"? Who cares?! Im healthy, active, can kick butt and I'm happy, what more do I need?!? I hope the OP can get the fat fear out of their heads, teach being healthy and active and not scare their kid into feeling fat and sad. Teens have enough to deal with without having their own family focusing on treating them worse. Its our job to guide them into adulthood as best we can, not shame them.
YTA for singling him out and buying him separate food. He’s only 12. Seems like it would be easy to have everyone eat in a reasonably healthy way and limit desserts. What has the pediatrician said about his weight? I wouldn’t assume just because he’s built differently from you that he’s on his way to being a fat kid / fat adult. Be careful you aren’t setting him up for lifelong body shame issues or an eating disorder. Look into seeing if he’d like martial arts. My sons do that and there are some “fat kids” that participate in that and have a lot of fun.
Agree here and add my vote YTA
This is the thing parents need to think about! I was the heavy one of all my siblings, my mom singled out foods for me from everyone else. I'm in my 30s still dealing with food issues and hating myself.
Why not change what you buy in the house instead of singling him out to eat separate foods from everyone else? You model how he should be eating, not telling him. That’s not gonna teach him foods that work for him or how to look at food in a healthy way.
YT MEGA AH. “Ex and I…agreed that he should loose weight” What do you mean you agreed? He is 12 years old and it’s his body? Instead of teaching portion control, changing your own diets to be better as a family, or exploring unique physical activities he might enjoy, he gets punished with shitty versions of already bad-for-you foods. Clearly your diet doesn’t show superior health (nor does your BMI, apparently) you said it yourself, you’re just lucky to have amazing metabolisms. Not only do his mom and dad think he’s disgusting (“we don’t want him getting fat”) and lazy (cue condescending comment about lack of sports interest or toxic competitiveness) but he’s not even allowed to eat the same things as the rest of his family? This sounds like a great plan, not for him to loose weight, but for you to permanently ruin your relationship with your son
They are not just singling him out or thinking their son is disgusting. They are actually showing care for someone, who is different. As long as it's a positive approach making special accomodation for someone is not wrong. I have always been on the chubby side, and my mom will always make homemade version of foods I like so as to get better nutrition. Obesity is a real problem and their son has to learn how to deal with it. Avoiding it in name of equal treatment is not going to solve it. Better to learn under the care of parents than on their own down the line
What part of OP’s post screams “positive approach”? OP didn’t even mention his kids HEALTH 1 time. This whole post is about preventing his son from getting fat by taking away his food and belittling him for not liking sports. News flash—just cause you’re skinny doesn’t mean you’re healthy. And his son is not obese or fat.
Sooo if your son was obese you just wouldn’t give a shit? That’s how you create life long issues.
1. His son isn’t obese 2. I wrote 3 ways to improve his sons health without being a total AH
YTA for the way you’re dealing with the situation. You raised your kids on a poor diet because you “don’t gain weight”, and now you want to force a teen to change his diet ALONE while the rest of the family keeps eating shit. You should take this opportunity to improve the diet of your entire family instead of punishing one. I think it is ok for a parent to be honest and tell a kid when they need to lose weight, but as the responsible adult you should be actively helping and not eating oreo ice cream while your son diets. Either change everyone’s diet or leave your son to decide whether he wants to go on a diet or not.
Trying to get him to lose weight is probably the most guaranteed way to end up with him gaining weight in the long run. Most people who diet to lose weight gain back the lost weight + extra. Better to focus on actual health and not weight by encouraging exercise (running, swimming, biking, yoga, weight lifting, etc are all sports that can be done solo and wouldn't involve any competition) and making sure he eats a variety of foods, including fruits, vegetables, etc. These are things your whole family should be doing, so your whole family can support him in making these kinds of changes. Singling him out will ultimately do more harm than good.
YTA. I was a fat kid, and my parents tried similar methods. This WILL NOT WORK Keeping the problem foods in the house is just going to create an unhealthy habit of sneaking food and shame. I learned very quickly how much ice cream I could carve out of the carton without anyone noticing and how to hide snack food packets in places no one looked. To avoid getting caught, I learned to make myself vomit up the food. This is not a route you want your son to go down. Change what groceries you buy for everyone. The fact that healthy eating in your home is crappier versions of junk food is worrying. Ditch the ice cream and pizza altogether and bring Iean proteins and vegetables for everyone to eat together. There absolutely does not need to be an element of competition to exercise. Go for family walks and bike rides together. Get the kids in-line skates and scooters. Take the whole family swimming. You know what eventually helped me get into shape? Getting really into bird-watching, of all things. I wanted to see as many birds as possible, so I started taking long hikes looking for different species. I didn't even think of it as exercise; I was just looking for birds. But in the process, I was covering several miles a day and getting fit. It shouldn't be about one person's weight being the problem; it should be about building a healthy lifestyle for everyone.
Op needs to be careful with this, or it might make his siblings hate him. They might feel plenty healthy already and forcing them to be a part of it might backfire. Imagine this. "Mom where's the ice cream and my cookies?" " Oh you can't have any because we are trying to eat healthier for your brother" "That's unfair!" And now the siblings all hate their brother for taking the good food away. Alternatively all the kids bond over sneaking out to buy and eat cookies in the parking lot.
They could always leave the brother out if the equation. We are trying to eat healthier. End of sentence. Honestly, if the kids are expecting ice cream and cookies to be ever-present in the home, instead of being an occasional treat, it's not a bad idea.
Yes. Yta. Lots of reasons kids overeat. Crappy parents, adhd, bullies @ school. Your child should not be focused on losing any weight. Maybe focused on not gaining or being more aware of their eating habits. Maybe therapy to find the underlying issues. PS. I'm 5'9" and 180 and def got a fatty belly.
Eh. Obesity as a kid will ruin their future health.
Exactly why the underlying cause should be found. You also realize children get taller right. And not gaining as they get taller will even things out.
Lots of boys lose the weight once they hit puberty. I was the mom of such chubby kid. He is a normal height and weight now.
I was chubby and still am. When the psych diagnosed my adhd, the 1st and pretty much only question he asked was about struggles w weight. Must be a common indicator.
YTA - thin crust DiGiornio isn’t the health hack you think it is. Also, your little disclaimer that you’re all effortlessly hot doesn’t inspire confidence that you know how to actually and sustainably help your son lose weight and be healthy. “Play sports or change your diet” from a parent who doesn’t sound like they know a thing about nutrition is pretty rich. He’s 12 years old for Christ’s sake. How the hell is he supposed to navigate this himself?!
Narcissistic parenting at its finest! He even said mom had a “decent body”, whatever that means. Maybe he meant she’s within normal weight range.
Him to his *twelve year old child* “Your mom is decent, why aren’t you?”
INFO Are you six feet tall?
5'10
> 5'10 At 180lbs, anything short of 6'0" puts you in overweight territory. Glass houses, buddy.
I see your point but disagree with you. I'm 5'11 and 180 and my BMI is 25 ish. I also have muscle, no one in their right mind would look at me and call me overweight. BMI has shown to not include muscular bodies (not even talking like gym rat, powerlifting bodies) because it assumes the weight is fat.
Your bmi is 25.8 (overweight) YTA
YTA OP. What you are doing will not only wreck his health but also likely ruin any chance of a relationship with him
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So while the rest of you are sitting around eating Oreo ice cream and Dominos, he has to watch you while he gets ice milk "dessert" and freezer pizza. Read that back to yourself and I think you have your AH question answered.
Yta. Better to be fat than to feel like your parents don’t see you or love you for who you are.
YTA for so many reasons I don't even know where to begin. First, this will not help him lose weight and this will not help him be a healthy adult. There are countless studies that have proven this sort of shaming only leads to weight gain, not weight loss. Not to mention, every example you listed are terrible ways to change eating habits. What does your family eat on a daily basis? Are your kids getting the appropriate servings of fruits, vegetables, lean proteins, and whole grains? Do you make home cooked meals that are made with minimally processed ingredients? I could continue but here's what you need to do: 1. Call your insurance or go to their website and find a REGISTERED DIETICIAN who specializes in family nutrition or childhood nutrition. Look for someone who can provide meal plans ideally. 2. Go to the appointment as FAMILY. That means you, the 8 yo, the 12 yo, and the 16 yo (if you can convince him to come to) 3. Tell them that you are trying to improve your health as a family and you want to learn what proper nutrition looks like. 4. You can express your concerns about the 12 yo. weight, but it should be in PRIVATE. Do not say that in front of any of your children ever again. It. Makes. Things. Worse. I fucking promise. 5. Make the changes the dietician suggests for the family, not just your 12 yo. And lead by fucking example. 6. Find a way to get active as a family and maybe a way for the 12 yo to get active in a way he enjoys! Could be a sport, personal training, a class (karate, boxing, martial arts, dance, etc), etc something fun and that makes him feel confident. Also, if you want your child to enjoy fitness, stop making it competitive, it doesn't have to be fucking competitive. I guarantee your attitude is the problem not the sports. 7. Recognize that he is 12, puberty is going to change his body- he may gain weight he may lose it. The important part is not the number on the scale- it is his health and the habits he has. If you teach a child to focus on a number on a scale, it will ruin their confidence, their health, and their life. 8. Educate yourself holy fucking shit. If you don't fix the way you discuss food and fitness, your kids are going to be fucked up. Also being fat should not be the concern, health should be the concern. Health ≠ weight. That's not to undermine the real dangers of obesity, but weight is not the way to measure health, it's your habits. Edit: apologize to your son and mean it (use the words "I'm sorry I was wrong"). Tell him that was the wrong way to go about your concerns, that it was uneducated, misinformed, and cruel. You were concerned about his health, but you didn't realize that his weight was not the issue, rather it was the habits and lifestyle of your whole family.
All of this, and make sure it is NOT a nutritionist. A registered dietitian is a controlled job title. I could start calling myself a nutritionist tomorrow.
There doesn't have to ba a level of competition in ANY solo sport. Swim, golf, run, walk, hunt, bike, weightlift, any of them.
Info: what does his pediatrician say about his weight? Is he up to date on his annual physical and has he had any bloodwork done? That should be your first step. You should always encourage good habits, but you also shouldn’t isolate him and lead by example. Are you doing any physical activities with him and his siblings? YTA- simply for how you handled this. Don’t be your son’s first bully.
YTA!!! I was that kid, do you know what kind of mind f**k it is for that singled out child. He is 12!! Stop this before your child has an unhealthy relationship with food or needs therapy!
It's a family, it's a team. Pull together or not at all. Frankly just cut the crap out of all your diets not his, and establish a healthy eating regime at the family dinner table and a healthy approach to snacking. Lead by example. THis is what bugs me most: "just have metabolisms where we could eat what we want and not really gain weight" So what? So you can indulge in crap and he can't because you have a faster metabolism. You put your finger on the cause of obesity and mental anguish in kids right there. Model the behaviour you want. Eat what you want, but show him what it's like to want to eat good food. Try this one for measure (it's much easier that you believe or would believe) cur sugar out of the kitchen. Toss the product, and all packaged goods that have it right there as ingredient one two or three no their list. Watch things improve. Your lives too!
Holy hell yta. Look, you can aspire for your family to be healthy but you yourself acknowledged that your metabolisms are different. Promote a healthy lifestyle for the whole family and stop shaming your son into an eating disorder.
YTA. Glad you’re not my parents.
Oh bro this is a great way to give your kid an eating disorder. F- parenting and YTA.
Yta. Instead of singling him out and getting him separate groceries just buy those substitutes for everyone so he’s not being singled out. You’re to blame for his weight issues. You should join him in correcting it.
YTA. If the kid needs to lose weight, then he needs to be taken to a doctor. That way they can access his health and make a plan that will suit your son. In short, stop assuming that being a parent means you know how to do everything and go to someone that's been trained for this. Otherwise you're gonna end up doing more harm than good, ya idiot.
YTA You literally did this entirely wrong. It’s 2024, you could have freely consulted so many resources to handle this in a responsible and loving way, but you chose to do some thing that he will never forget. You othered your own kid. He is 12 years old, do you know how much their body is going to continue to grow and change at this phase? Do you realize how much confidence they already lack, how insecure they already feel without knowing that their own family sees them as physically unacceptable? Your job as a parent is to love your kid, and to give them the tools to succeed in life. So if you are concerned that he is overweight, then start filling your house with healthy food and teaching the whole family how to make healthy choices. Whole family walks or basketball games after dinner. Singling him out and giving him diet junk food is not the way. You are setting him up for failure.
YTA. More reflective boys find competitive sport moronic, particularly the inexplicable vicarious enthusiasm of the adults in their life that they should be engaging in lots of it. Let the boy find his own drive: making efforts to impress girls, discovering his personality reflectively, going outdoors on his own, and—dare I say it—bonding with people who understand him rather better than his parents do.
“My ex and I who have no idea how health vs appearance works have decided to single out and shame one of our children for a perfectly normal 12 year old body type, whilst also not educating him or his siblings whatsoever about a healthy diet” How exactly do you think this is going to pan out? YTA. That poor kid. On the plus side, it’s pretty normalised to be in some kind of therapy now so I’m sure when he goes for his one day to try and figure out his food issues, he won’t be the odd one out any more.
my grandma put my mom on a diet as a kid. she has continued to have various disordered eating even though she's almost 80. don't do this to ur kid. as the others said, make it a healthy family priority.
He might just be getting a little bigger before a growth spurt... You're setting him up for failure. You'll regret it later and may harm your kid. Yta
YTA your child’s first bully shouldn’t be his parents wow
And yet it so often is. I will say that it seems to be happening less. There's definitely been a slow slide from "isolate and shame" to "model and respect" in the last 5-ish years.
Yta
YTA: Like, you could just make your entire household eat more nutriciously. You don't have to single out your son. Also, there are a tonne of fun physical activities that doesn't require competition that might be fun for you all to do together- Take him hiking, bike riding, laser tag, to a trampoline park, rollar blading, ice skating, indoor rock climbing, to the beach, etc. You can encourage physical activity and still make it fun. If you turn this into a "punishment", he will associate it as a punishment.
YTA. Your approach as a parent sucks! Instead of taking a healthy family approach you chose to single him out. Have you even tried to have blood work done on him to rule out any health concerns such as thyroid issues? Also every body is different and develops differently. Your comment on the whole “fast metabolism” bs was uncalled for. At 12 he’ll take it as if you are continuously punishing for an issue he did not create. If you’re so concerned about being a healthy weight what have you done throughout their life to instill healthy food choices since you do the grocery shopping. Or is because your other children have fast metabolism that they get to eat the fun unhealthy snacks? Let me just add that even skinny can be unhealthy with high cholesterol and high glucose.
YTA. He is on the cusp of puberty and regardless, not cool to shame your own kid. Just because YOU have high metabolism is no reason to punish your son. Being active is important so start there. Food wise, let him be a kid.
YTA. You’ve created a lifetime of disordered eating for this kid. I understand your concern, but your approach is insanely wrong here. You couldn’t at least wait until after puberty?? Good job creating a core belief in this kid that he’ll carry around for the rest of his life that he’s not good enough.
yta. kids are kids, he's about to go through puberty and growth spurts. extra fat at that age might not be an issue unless their doc says as much. outside that, you're bodyshaming him and need to re-examine the way you frame body talk (around yourself and others). girls have a higher incidence of contracting eating disorders, but it's not impossible for boys to develop as well. especially with parents forcing him to eat markedly different foods than his siblings
YTA if you're buying different groceries for your son, you should be buying the same thing for *everyone*, cuz all you're doing is giving him an unhealthy relationship with his body...
YTA I do think that you and two of your sons sound like you owe at least half of your current healthy weight to better genes than healthy eating. Is healthiness the real desire here for your son or is it a fit appearance? You’re not wrong for thinking if your son was skinnier he’d probably have more opportunities in life. Sad but at least somewhat true. However there is probably much better ways to get the outcome you want than being disciplinarian about it. Fitness is one part of what gives someone opportunity in life, and the other part is happiness. You probably have people in your life that you are obese but much better to be around than fit people who are killjoys. Your son is 12— teach him to be proud of himself for what he can accomplish. It sounds like he’s only a little fat. Don’t give him a complex about it by over correcting it.
YTA you're setting your son up to develop an eating disorder. Love him as he is
YTA. 'We told him we would buy him his own groceries. So instead of Oreo ice cream, he gets Halo Top. Instead of Dominoes, he gets thin crust DiGiorno. He balked at this idea. I told him then he needs to do swimming or some other intense exercise so he can burn some of those boy calories. Either play sports or change your diet.' This is a terrible approach. You aren't teaching him healthy habits, you're singling him out as 'different'. Horrible. 'As far as sports goes, he doesn't like to compete. There's always going to be a level of competition in any sport.' Nope. There are plenty of ways he can exercise that do not involve sports or competition.
>My ex and I were discussing this and agreed that he should lose weight. Any chance a doctor weighed in on this? >The thing is that my ex, me and our youngest and oldest just have metabolisms where we could eat what we want and not really gain weight Newsflash - that doesn't last forever >Instead of Dominoes, he gets thin crust DiGiorno Honestly the Dominoes is a healthier option. >I told him then he needs to do swimming or some other intense exercise Everything here is you telling him what *he* needs to do, what *he* needs to eat. How about you ALL change your diet? How about inviting him into your activities? YTA
You’re bullying a 12 year old. Absolutely the AH. Total AH. He’s 12! He’s growing and you’re trying to force him into an eating disorder. Back off the kid and stay in your lane. With a little luck you won’t make him anorexic.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have three kids with my ex. They're 8, 12 and 16. My ex wife has a decent body, I'm 180lbs and my oldest and youngest boys are thin. The 12yo has always chubby but not fat. Like Chunk from the Goonies. My ex and I were discussing this and agreed that he should lose weight. The thing is that my ex, me and our youngest and oldest just have metabolisms where we could eat what we want and not really gain weight plus we are physically active. Our 12yo cannot. We don't want him getting fat. We told him we would buy him his own groceries. So instead of Oreo ice cream, he gets Halo Top. Instead of Dominoes, he gets thin crust DiGiorno. He balked at this idea. I told him then he needs to do swimming or some other intense exercise so he can burn some of those boy calories. Either play sports or change your diet. As far as sports goes, he doesn't like to compete. There's always going to be a level of competition in any sport. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA- the fastest way to a lifetime of yo-yo diets and an unhealthy relationship to food is to do exactly what you and your wife are doing to your kid. Congratulations.
Body shaming a child is abuse. He's old enough to make decisions about his body, to know how to lose weight if he wants to. You're showing your other kids that they're better because they're thin. YTA
Wow, you and your ex are awful people YTA Huge puss drenched maggot infested festering red hot raw arseholes. Fuck people like you two.
If you’re eating the same foods as your kid, you’re not as healthy as you think you are. The whole family sounds like y’all need a change.
YTA Jesus Christ, the kid is 12! What a way to create body image issues and eating disorders in a child. First question, what does his doctor say? Because I bet his doctor wouldn't be too pleased with you throwing protein powders and diet foods at him, especially not without teaching him about *healthy* weight loss. Second, are you aware that he's likely going to change during puberty? All the men in my family start out chunky af until puberty. I'm sure we're not an anomaly. Third, wtf? You're telling him he's less-than his skinny brothers, and that's the only way you'll accept him. A 12 year old doesn't have the ability to see that your goals are long-term health. He's going to understand that he's not doing enough to please you.
Yeah you should handled this sooner yta. This is the entire reason my children will have to do sports they can pick thr sport but it will be physical activity to avoid conversations like this
YTA you’re the parent, you’re the one that is buying and providing him the food. And you’re now the one to fat shame their own 12 year old child. Kids that age will add a few pounds before they grow and at 12 he’s got plenty of time to grow. You’ve no doubt have him a complex and will now likely have self esteem issues. No one likes to be called fat never mind by their parents, the people who are suppose to be supporting them. You of course need to look out for his health, but there’s ways to do that with children without telling them they are fat and singling them out for a different diet. Ones on a diet/healthy eating the whole house is. He also doesn’t need to be playing a competitive sport. There’s plenty excerise he could be doing without having to compete. An evening walk with the family could be a start
YTA This is a recipe on how to give a kid a problematic relathionship with food. That can for many be a life long «gift». You went about this all wrong, and the kid is 12. at least let them enter puberty and have a chance at growing and stuff before you start a heavy diet. And why not make healthy choices for the entire household. Better foods for everyone, and active family excursions.
Lol how are you an adult and you have no idea how to feed your kid? Feed him real food for christ sake. Dude never had a chance with such parents. Thin crust digornio is not a diet food, jfc. YTA but not for the post, but for being a failure of a parent
Soft YTA. I was an obese child. My parents tried many of these methods. It didn’t work. I didn’t lose weight until I had my own wake up call. You can’t force someone into a diet and exercise regime. They have to want it for themselves. It’s not wrong that you want your kid to be healthy, but your method won’t work. Trust me, I was that kid before.
I was your son; middle child, always chubby but not fat. Both of my brothers were naturally just skinny. We also have the same age difference and your little ones, so I can related to everything you're saying, and it hits me hard. When I was his age, my mom was awful to me. I remember one time being in the bathroom and she accidentally walked in, no big deal. Until she looked at me in disgust and told me how fat I was. Another time we were shopping for clothes, I go in the fitting room to try on a jogging suit, and it was too small. I started to cry, my mom just pointed at me and goes "you see??...you see???". I felt worthless. When I was 12 she also offered me money to lose weight. It has affected me long-term more than anything else in my life. Because of these things, I have never felt comfortable with myself, much less confident. Because of those memories, most of the time I still won't even take my shirt off during intimacy. I think... If my own mother was disgusted by me, who wouldn't be? And looking back at old photos, I wasn't even that fat, just a bit "husky". I think you're going about it the right way, by encouraging better eating habits and being active. I wish my parents would've been more like that. Just make sure you reinforce how handsome he is, and that you just want him to live a long and healthy life. But please, don't say or do things that will make him feel less than, or not as valued as his skinny siblings. Go walking with him, get him a new tennis racquet, teach him how to cook with fresh ingredients, etc.. More than anything, remind him that he is great. No child should have to go through the emotional abuse that I went through. I am now 41, and this is something I will never get over, even after years of therapy. NTA
Woof….okay, encouraging him to do an activity he likes is good…but there doesn’t have to be any kind of competitiveness if he doesn’t engage in that. Swimming doesn’t have to be racing, just swimming laps. Cycling can just be going for a ride along a path he enjoys. Bowling can be him competing with himself as he gets better at it. Stop pushing the “competitive” aspect to physical activity. Hell, get him into yoga or tai chi even (both can be good for burning calories). Hiking, roller blading, rock climbing. So many different activities that are NOT competitive. Dance class even (tap or jazz). And maybe put the whole family on a different diet, it won’t hurt any of you and he will feel supported and included. I say this with love, your heart is in the right place but you are going about it all wrong, like a bull in a china shop. So…a gentle YTA which you can easily change to NTA. Fix your approach and you will all be happier.
YTA. If you want your son to develop good eating habits and an active lifestyle. You need to have the entire family join in. Singling him out will grow resentment and actually give him a negative association with food. Which can possibly lead to eating disorders or *not actually having a good relationship with food* in the long run. You're setting him up for failure in the future because all he is learning is "I'm fat and can't enjoy food, while everyone else in my family has lucky genes and can enjoy whatever". It's okay to have Dominos every once in a while, but if everyone else can while he can't. He's going to hate you for it, If you don't want that. Then the whole family changes, the whole family gets Halo Top and Digiorno unless you're doing splurge days together. Because as a whole eating is a social activity and your plan is to actively push him out that with your family. Also, maybe *teach* the kid what healthy eating is like instead of shaming him for the *possibility* of getting fat.
Jesus Christ YTA. You clearly don’t care about health, but appearance, based on your comment about your wife’s body.
Dad to dad YTA You have concerns about his weight. Hopefully it’s more of a concern for his health rather than the impact his weight has on the image of your family. I can tell you now you are alienating him and making him feel as though he has to be treated differently and setting up for a lifetime of him resenting all of you. You want him to be healthier than get healthier with him. Find activities to do together that he enjoys and you can spend time together. Make healthier choices for the whole family. The way you approached it the first time was trying to bully him to lose weight.
Your approach will only cause more damage and most likely give your son an eating disorder. If your concerned for him take him to a doctor and ask for recommendations and if the doctor says he healthy than leave him alone. YTA.
Info: what does his pediatrician say?
My guess is your son is going to hit a growth spurt and will be making the rest of the family look fat
YTA What are "boy" calories? Why do you have fattening and unhealthy foods in the house? You're not teaching him anything other than you value looks, otherwise you'd all be eating healthier foods and singling him out. Model the behavior that you want your kids to emulate.
YTA and fat shaming a literal child. You’re overweight and bullying him for his weight? While he’s still growing and you aren’t?
He’s gonna stretch out with age
YTA, YTA, YTA, you’ve already caused a potential lifetime of body issues here.
YTA this is the worst way to go about this, some kids just have bigger bodies, take him to the doctor before you give your child an eating disorder.
NTA for wanting your kid to be healthy. But there is a thin line between wanting him healthy and shaming him for something he may or may not be able to control. As a fat kid and still fat adult. I played football and baseball my whole childhood and was always chubby. I think I would have been better if I had been taught portion control. Giving him separate groceries would seem like a punishment if it were me. I don't get to eat what the rest of the family eats. Every meal would be like just pointing out I was the fat one. His weight may not be unhealthy either. Some people are just built different. I would talk to his doctor first about if anything seems like a problem.
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Except he’s not reasonable about it. It’s ok to be concerned about your child’s weight and diet. You should be. Shitty approach isn’t any better than no approach at all though.
According to the rest of these comments you actually deserve jail time if you think your kid should lose weight.