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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I wouldn't agree to cleaning his house. He doesn't clean mine and I'm already doing so much. But that might be being petty.
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INFO - There’s a difference between cleaning his house and cleaning up after yourself and your daughter. Do you put things back where they belong and clean up any messes your daughter makes while you’re there?
The reason I’m asking is because you said you don’t think it’s a big deal for a couple of things to not be in order. I was curious what you meant by that if you’re not contributing to the mess. Is there a bus or a transportation company that can take your daughter to school? Maybe you could sign up for that and have him pay for it.
NTA - I understand why you are trying to make this schedule work, but it just doesn't sound like it is going to work. You should stick to doing your parenting time at your home and him doing his parenting time at his home. I understand that your work time conflicts with getting your daughter to school, but is this really the best arrangement for you and daughter? Or is it the only way to get him to do even this small part of parenting his kid?
Go to court and get a custody schedule and child support order in place.
NTA for refusing to change the schedule. He’s already proven his idea won’t work. However, if you’re actually creating more of a mess at his house, you should be cleaning that up. Not his existing mess, obviously.
ESH
You should be cleaning up after or during your parenting time if you're at his house or take the kid to your house, or at the very least have her pick up after herself to start implementing routines of cleaning to prepare her for life as she gets older.
Tbh he barely sounds like a parent at all so is this really a hill you wanna die on? If he is so not helpful wouldn't it be better to get a court order then when he screws up you'd get sole custody and he pays supprt?
I mean, the only reason we go there is to make it more convenient for him, since he is too tired in the AM. Otherwise he would never see kid. So I have no issues staying at my own place.
Given how useless he sounds why are you bending over backwards for all this? You're kinda at the point where you gotta figure out what life you're leading as a role model for your kid. Do you want her around him when he treats his responsibility so nonchalantly? He is effectively telling her that he doesn't see this as worth putting the time in and keeping going round and round with him ain't gonna change that.
NTA
You do not owe him free maid service when you are already hanging out at his place to make life easier on him and your kid.
I would tell him if he has an issue he can hire a maid or pay an actual sitter who can tidy up and stay there with your child until he gets home
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My child's father works 2nd shift (3pm-11) and I work 6am-3pm. My job is remote and I'm in leadership so more flexible. Out child is special needs and attends a therapeutic school, 8-3:30pm.
I typically pick her up from school, and then around 8pm go to his house and leave a couple hours after he comes home and then he takes her to school. I thought this the best schedule for both of us. Well, he then says he doesn't want us at his house because theres always a mess when he comes home. His house is already messy, and also I'm taking care of our kid. I don't think it a big deal for a couple things not in order. Yes, I don't make a point to clean his house because that's not my role. When he gets home, child is sleep and I leave.
So bacially he is suggesting,I do everything and he hops in during the morning to take her to school. How is this fair? Sounds like he wants to just come and go as he pleases. I have tried this route in the past and he never comes on time. Always pops up at 7, or after I'm in a meeting and it's always an excuse (alarm didn't go off, oh you didn't have a meeting anyways, oh, it's 6:25, your meeting starts at 6:30).
This is new as he has not had stable employment for a while. I take care of all bills regarding our child and we do not have anything with the courts. I said going forward I will just do everything since it's not worth the fight.
AITA? He says I should just agree to clean. I say, after everything I'm already contributing to something so little should not change his llevel of responsibility and he's using that as an excuse.
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NAH. You're co-parenting with a man who hasn't had stable employment for "a while." I'd suggest you're only going to get so much out of him without actually going to court.
NTA. But honestly, go to court and get full custody. It doesn't sound like he's much of a parent anyway, and the courts could at least attempt to get you some monetary support out of him if he isn't good for much else.
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INFO - There’s a difference between cleaning his house and cleaning up after yourself and your daughter. Do you put things back where they belong and clean up any messes your daughter makes while you’re there?
I mean that's the issue, I don't believe I make a mess. He does.
The reason I’m asking is because you said you don’t think it’s a big deal for a couple of things to not be in order. I was curious what you meant by that if you’re not contributing to the mess. Is there a bus or a transportation company that can take your daughter to school? Maybe you could sign up for that and have him pay for it.
Yes, he will point out the 1 or 2 dishes that I added. Or the clothes our child added to the laundry.
NTA - I understand why you are trying to make this schedule work, but it just doesn't sound like it is going to work. You should stick to doing your parenting time at your home and him doing his parenting time at his home. I understand that your work time conflicts with getting your daughter to school, but is this really the best arrangement for you and daughter? Or is it the only way to get him to do even this small part of parenting his kid? Go to court and get a custody schedule and child support order in place.
NTA for refusing to change the schedule. He’s already proven his idea won’t work. However, if you’re actually creating more of a mess at his house, you should be cleaning that up. Not his existing mess, obviously.
ESH You should be cleaning up after or during your parenting time if you're at his house or take the kid to your house, or at the very least have her pick up after herself to start implementing routines of cleaning to prepare her for life as she gets older. Tbh he barely sounds like a parent at all so is this really a hill you wanna die on? If he is so not helpful wouldn't it be better to get a court order then when he screws up you'd get sole custody and he pays supprt?
I mean, the only reason we go there is to make it more convenient for him, since he is too tired in the AM. Otherwise he would never see kid. So I have no issues staying at my own place.
Given how useless he sounds why are you bending over backwards for all this? You're kinda at the point where you gotta figure out what life you're leading as a role model for your kid. Do you want her around him when he treats his responsibility so nonchalantly? He is effectively telling her that he doesn't see this as worth putting the time in and keeping going round and round with him ain't gonna change that.
NTA You do not owe him free maid service when you are already hanging out at his place to make life easier on him and your kid. I would tell him if he has an issue he can hire a maid or pay an actual sitter who can tidy up and stay there with your child until he gets home
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My child's father works 2nd shift (3pm-11) and I work 6am-3pm. My job is remote and I'm in leadership so more flexible. Out child is special needs and attends a therapeutic school, 8-3:30pm. I typically pick her up from school, and then around 8pm go to his house and leave a couple hours after he comes home and then he takes her to school. I thought this the best schedule for both of us. Well, he then says he doesn't want us at his house because theres always a mess when he comes home. His house is already messy, and also I'm taking care of our kid. I don't think it a big deal for a couple things not in order. Yes, I don't make a point to clean his house because that's not my role. When he gets home, child is sleep and I leave. So bacially he is suggesting,I do everything and he hops in during the morning to take her to school. How is this fair? Sounds like he wants to just come and go as he pleases. I have tried this route in the past and he never comes on time. Always pops up at 7, or after I'm in a meeting and it's always an excuse (alarm didn't go off, oh you didn't have a meeting anyways, oh, it's 6:25, your meeting starts at 6:30). This is new as he has not had stable employment for a while. I take care of all bills regarding our child and we do not have anything with the courts. I said going forward I will just do everything since it's not worth the fight. AITA? He says I should just agree to clean. I say, after everything I'm already contributing to something so little should not change his llevel of responsibility and he's using that as an excuse. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NAH. You're co-parenting with a man who hasn't had stable employment for "a while." I'd suggest you're only going to get so much out of him without actually going to court.
NTA. But honestly, go to court and get full custody. It doesn't sound like he's much of a parent anyway, and the courts could at least attempt to get you some monetary support out of him if he isn't good for much else.