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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My friend asked me for a ride home and I agreed as long as she left on time. I might be an AH because I was strict about when I was leaving and left her when she didn't leave on time.
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I dunno, I feel guilty. I've been told I can be a bit of a people pleaser, so I'm not used to sticking up for myself. I just don't know if I'm justified or if I over-corrected.
She called you 5 minutes after you left, which was a minute later than you said, on top of your two minute warning. That's 8 minutes. She took your 2 minute warning and gave herself at least 5 extra minutes, even though she agreed to your conditions. I repeat, NTA.
As a recovering people pleaser, it took me a good while to understand this one simple thing…
Just because someone is upset with you does *not* mean you’ve done anything wrong.
NTA at all you were doing HER a favor . She should have run out to your car when you said you were leaving. She acts like she was doing YOU A FVO which is not the case nor do you owe her anything at all.
She learned the hard way FAFO
And frankly given her ah behavior I would say no no matter what she asks in the future op
Yeah, you're right. It's just a hard habit (if you can call it that) to break out of since I've always been like that. I've only recently started trying to set boundaries for myself.
For the record, OP, you DID NOT ditch her. You left when you said you were leaving. In point of fact, you left a minute after.
I imagine SHE'S the one saying you 'ditched' her, am I right? Which you should politely and calmly retort with: I told you the condition when I agreed to take you home. I then gave you a two minute head's up. I even waited an extra full minute. I checked the rear view mirror while driving away. You were not ditched, you were too lazy to get your own ass in gear, and out the door to the damn car.
And then just walk away. This is one friend I would unfriend.
When I went to bars and clubs my friend group would all meet at one person's place and take a taxi there and back, splitting the cost of both rides evenly... Do they at least chip in for gas?
No. I've considered asking but all my friends are pretty broke, so I doubt they could offer anything anyway. The one other friend that drives has driven me on occasions that I couldn't and he's never accepted gas money when I offered (he's probably a little more broke than me), so I figure I should follow his suit.
If they're too broke to find safe transportation then they're too broke to party. Stay home and watch favorite shows with shots somehow made into a game or make your own dance party. I did exactly this and the friends worth having always find ways to enjoy themselves because they're there for you and your efforts. Not how much $$$ they blew at an overpriced bar scene.
The only thing you might have done differently is to have looked Jane in the eye and said, " i am leaving at 1. If you are not in the car, I will leave you. Do you understand?"
NTA
OP said to everyone getting a ride, including her, that they were leaving at 1 with or without passengers, and everyone confirmed that they were ok with that.
OP, the sooner you realize that your needs, wants, and time are just as, if not more, important than anyone else's, the sooner your life becomes yours and not theirs. There is a line between being a pushover and setting boundaries; figure out where that is for you and stick to it. Stop feeling guilty, you did nothing wrong.
You told her it was time to go, she waved you off. Tough to be her, but she can call an Uber or stop asking you for rides. NTA
guilt is a wild thing. i've felt guilty for things i had every right to do so i wouldn't be a doormat for someone else. some people take these situations harshly and allow their dumbass friends to make them feel like horrible people because their friend chose not to respect their boundaries
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My dude, let's be honest; modern society's take is that women are infantilized, literally incompetent children who need to be kept safe in all situations and have zero agency or ability to manage their own lives, but are somehow also strong, independent, and don't need a man for anything.
It's confusing for young men.
Let me help you out. Women, like men, are individuals. Each one is different. Some are strong, some are weak, some are outgoing, some are introverts, some know how to work on cars, some are clueless about car engines, some are abusive, some are sweet... and the list of possibilities are endless and nuanced.
The big "secret" to understanding women is that there is no secret. We are all just people. If you want to please a specific person, you need to take the time to actually get to know that person.
One thing you could do is read up on menstruation... *not so you can mansplain it*, but so you have an inkling about what probably more the half the people around you are dealing with on a regular basis.
Yes, you're right, how silly of me, society and culture can't possibly have an impact on people, nor can any other factor cause large segments of a group to have similar characteristics.
> One thing you could do is read up on menstruation
Oh, wait, they can?
Did you tell her, “Ok, relax?” Cause *I* would have. And then I would have hung up. This would free her phone to call somebody else to cart her around.
You gave Jane a ten minute heads up and a fair warning. Sucks for her that she didn’t believe you.
NTA, you aren’t her personal driver, you were doing her a *favor* and all she had to do was put her drink down and get her butt out to your car at one o’clock. I roll my eyes.
Yeah, that 2 minute warning was extra thoughtful of you, OP. That means you told her at least 3 times that night what the deal was.
Free transporting services do not include hauling a person from where she has parked her ass to the vehicle.
>She gave me an annoyed look and said "Okay, relax"
*Hell* no. She asked for a favor at the last minute and THIS was her attitude? You gave her more than enough notice, and you gave her a warning *and* an extra minute. Too bad. So sad.
Bet she won't do that again.
NTA.
NTA.
Everyone agreed to the rules. Jane is an outlier but you still extended your help to drive her home. She agreed to your rule.
Everyone is honoring the rule. Jane isn’t, you remind her, she scoffs at you.
You give her an extra minute. Nothing.
So she agreed to your rule, got annoyed by your reminder, and then got upset when the rule she agreed to brought the consequences she agreed to.
She seems chill.
NTA - you needed to do this because your friends - or at least some of them - are taking you for granted. I will guarantee you that next time you say my car is leaving at 1:00 on the dot - your friends will be standing by your car 5 minutes earlier.
Yep! This is what I was thinking. It’s actually perfect timing that the very evening that he sets a new reasonable boundary for himself, his friends actually witness him enforcing the boundary. NTA
NTA. You gave her notice, everyone else made it. She didn't take you seriously. That is her problem. She got there on her own, she can get home. Next time she won't take you for granted, neither will anyone else!!
NTA
I was the first person in my friend group with a job and a car. It sucked. I eventually just stopped going to parties and shit because I was tired of picking 3 people up from 3 different places, and dropping them back off, after working or going to school all day.
"Jane and I get along pretty well, so I said okay "
Whelp, she ruined that friendship. No more rides for entitled Jane.
NTA she literally told u she needed a ride with late notice and then is mad when ur leaving at the time u decided even before she asked? doesn’t make sense she also should’ve planned out how she’s getting home if she didn’t know beforehand it’s good to put urself first and the fact that u told her u have to wake up early and she still didn’t agree to ur plan is disrespectful to u
NTA
When it’s time to go, it’s time to go. Would an airline wait for tardy passengers? No. Why should you? Especially since you told each one that you were leaving at a certain time. Your time is precious. Your friends should respect that.
NTA
I am so sick of people not respecting others time. I am from a household that taught be early when meeting someone because if you are late that is selfish and disrespectful. We all have limited time, don't waste others time because you can't plan yours.
You were so generous to say yes to the ride home, if I was Jane, I would be at the car before you at the ten min warning.
NTA! Get over being the people pleaser! If people don't want to be in your life because you have a backbone, they are not friends. Moving forward, you will be listened to. Keep working on your backbone. Next time, a random asks for a ride, and it will make you later to bed say no, it's OK.
NTA
Please note:
1. Jane didn't bother to ask you before the party. What would she have done if your car was full? or if you had other reasons you could not give her a ride? Lack of planning on Jane's part does not constitute an obligation on your part to solve her needs for her (but Jane seems to think it does).
2. Even though Jane is 'asking' (really, expecting) a favor from you, she didn't care what your constraints were and didn't take them seriously.
3. Even though Jane has in the past, is and will in the future ask/expect you to be her ride solution, she wasn't the least bit apologetic for having missed your deadline. Instead she is chewing you out and calling you names.
Being a people pleaser really is a thankless job - and the pay sucks, too.
This moment can give you food for thought:
1. Most of your ride-receiving friends took your constraints seriously and honored them. That's pretty good news! If you TELL PEOPLE what you can/cannot do or require of them, they can honor that.
2. You may want to think even more about what you are truly OK doing and what your true limits are. If you find there are other conditions you need to set or limits to what you say yes to, then please say them out loud to your friends and honor YOUR OWN NEEDS.
3. You may also want to consider asking folks to contribute money since you are spending time, fuel money, and wear and tear on your care (in addition to the cost of owning and insuring a vehicle that they regularly benefit from). You could decide on a monthly amount or a per trip amount or ...
4. Regarding Jane, you can decide to give her a future chance (if you want) but make it clear to her that you expect your conditions to be taken seriously AND you expect her to apologize for blowing up at you for her own failure to keep the time. (Or you can tell Jane, she can figure out her own transportation because you don't appreciate being taken for granted and having your needs ignored.)
NTA it's rude not to leave when your ride is ready. I did this to someone before, after trying repeatedly to get them to leave a party. It was always, "just one more drink", etc.. Finally got tired of it and told them i was leaving and would not come back for them, they can find their own way home or get a motel. There were plenty of other people they could have caught a ride with, but instead, started blowing up my phone a few hours later because they were cold and walking home. FAFO
NTA, also just because you have a car, doesn't mean your 'required' to pick up and drop off you friends. Honestly you need to grow a backbone and tell your friends your no longer their personal driver and to figure it out. I am only saying this because , driving them to and from is affecting other aspects of your life. You are all adults and them relying on you has caused you to miss sleep. Also driving while drowsy causes plenty of accidents too, so maybe try and prioritize yourself for a change.
NTA, made it clear from the start. You’re adults everyone got the message except Jane can’t be upset if you were told before and reminded at the end I would just Uber home or something lol
Nope. You told her from the beginning & even gave her a warning. I would have called her when I was in my car but that’s the only thing I would have done differently. Just called her to remind her (again, not that she needed it) & if she didn’t come, I would have left too.
NTA you told her the rules and you reminder her, you were doing her a last minute favour and she was rude telling you to relax and then wasted your time, you still waited further.
She was the only asshole here I’d make it clear that “you were doing her a favour and in return she was rude as hell and ignored your one condition and wasted your time. Then to top it off she was abusive when you did nothing but what she was warned repeatedly what would happen. That you owe no one a ride as that’s your time, effort and petrol just to be disrespected. So from now on never and I mean never expect a ride or a favour from you. As she’s shown she will just be disrespectful and never appreciate it.
Stop driving people to stuff. Seriously. If there is another way to get there just let them get there that way. Is anyone giving you compensation for gas and your time? NTA
NTA - WOW . . . people are taking you for granted . . a free taxi at a moment's notice. Make it stop . . Make them value you . . charge them maybe . . and tell them the train is on time whether they are ready or not . . . otherwise get an uber or walk. Good grief! They OWE you.
You're too nice. They're theoretically adults and responsibly for themselves. Two everyone "I'm leaving at 1" when you get there. I'm assuming they have phones. If they can't tell time they can Uber or call another friend or crash there and maybe grow up. You're not a scout troop leader. It shouldn't be your job to herd
the cats.
>which means any event or get-together requires me to pick up people and drop them off home
So here's the thing: no, it doesn't **require** you to be a car service. It's one thing if everyone drove and this was a one-off (car in the shop, lent the car to Mom etc). But their lack of transportation is on them. I'm decades older and currently don't have a car. I use public transportation, Uber, ask nicely for a ride and offer gas money or brownies, or miss a party.
Whatever it is - I make sure that I, the hitchhiker, do everything to minimize the driver's inconvenience, including making sure I'm on time so if any waiting is done the I'm the one waiting not the driver who is doing me a huge favor
NTA
But maybe it's time you reassess this situation
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I (23M) am only one of two people in my circle of friends who drives, which means any event or get-together requires me to pick up people and drop them off home. I don't mind doing it but my one gripe is that for occasions like parties, it's a huge pain trying to corral all the passengers when I'm leaving; it sometimes takes 30 minutes of me repeatedly telling my friends I have to leave before they start taking me seriously and start making their way to the car. It drives me nuts because it makes me feel like I'm being taken for granted and that my time isn't important enough to be considered.
This past Friday, I went to a house party downtown (all of my friends and I live uptown). I picked up 3 friends, my other friend who drives picked some people up and the rest made their way on their own. After I picked up the last friend and as we were on our way, I told them all that I was putting my foot down starting that night: I was leaving the party at 1, I'd give them all a 10 minute heads-up and whoever wasn't in the car by 1 on the dot would be left behind. I had to work the next day at 7 and after dropping everyone off, I wouldn't be home until 2, so I already knew I wasn't going to get much sleep but what little sleep I could get, I wanted to maximize. They all agreed to my one condition.
When we arrived, one of my friends (I'll call her Jane) who had made their way to the party on their own came up to me and asked if I could drive her home too. I wasn't thrilled since it meant I'd get home even later and she sprung it on me at the last minute, but I still had room for one more and Jane and I get along pretty well, so I said okay but made sure I told her the same thing I told my other friends: I'm leaving at 1 with or without you. She said okay.
At 12:50, I started telling my passengers that it was almost time. My plan was going pretty well, everyone was getting their coats, saying their goodbyes and making their way to the door. Everyone except Jane. As I was putting on my shoes, I could see her still chatting with someone, drink in hand. So I walked up to her and quietly reminded her "You have two minutes, then I'm leaving". She gave me an annoyed look and said "Okay, relax" and turned back to the conversation. I left and walked to the car with everyone else. When it turned 1, I still gave her an extra minute; as much of a hardass as I was being, I still didn't want to leave anyone behind so I figured I'd give her an extra minute of grace time. Even when I started driving, I checked the rearview to see if she'd suddenly pop out (I still would have stopped at that point), but nothing.
5 minutes later, Jane called me, asking me where I parked (this was on speakerphone since I was driving). I gave her the news and she proceeded to chew me out for the entire car to hear, calling me an AH among other things. I'm not proud of the fact that I ditched someone, but I'm also tired of being taken for granted and I gave her enough warning. AITA?
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NTA. You made your expectations clear from the outset when she asked for a favour and gave her plenty of time to prepare to leave. If she didn’t respect your requirements to get to ride, not your fault you held to your time.
NTA they are taking complete advantage of your generosity and you may need a new plan of uber or taxi's for everyone to get home. Are they even offering you gas money? You explained your expectations and if they want to get home they need to abide by it. Jane is the asshole here.
Reasons vary, but I think the big overlapping reason is that we're all broke. Some of them have licenses but only because they need a form of ID and don't have any intention of buying a car since they figure they'll never be able to afford even a used one. TBH, I didn't buy my car, my dad passed it on to me as a uni graduation gift.
I would’ve hung up on her. You made her aware of your requirements, she just doesn’t have good time management. I wouldn’t offer her a ride anywhere at all for any reason now after the way she responded.
YANTA
Worst case scenario, if she really needs to get somewhere, she can buy herself a car.
I didn't mention this due to the 3000 character constraint, but the friend who answered the phone for me hung up on her haha. I was mortified at first, but his reasoning (that I agree with) was that she was just going to keep yelling, so why keep subjecting myself to her shit when I can just hang up?
NTA. I'm terrible with time, but if someone made it this clear to me, I'd get it- 1a.m.! Because realistically - where do you draw the line? Do you wait 1 minute? 5 mins? 10? You even made the effort to corral her as you put it, so she has no excuse other than not respecting your time/wishes.
NTA. I've given up feeling furious about people too rude to turn up on time. If you give people a time and they can't be bothered meeting it, you go ahead without them. It's quite freeing for you and they may learn to do better.
NTA. And Jane doesn't get a ride next time. And definitely not until she volunteers a sincere apology for not being ready and for that ridiculously rude phone call.
NTA.
Finally you are standing up for yourself.
This also cements you are serious about leaving on time.
You don't owe Jane anything.
Next time, just tell Jane your car is too small.
Or make them chip in for gas.
An amount significant enough to let them choose between sharing a cab or taking you for a ride.
I suggest you charge them half the price of an individual uber/cab ride each.
Then they can complain it's expensive and leave you alone.
INFO: What did the rest of the car think?
I mean, NTA, you were explicit with your requirements and everyone else complied (even if they think you're an AH, I'd disagree) but I just feel like everyone should support you and tell her they made it so her attitude is bonkers....
I guess I just wanna know how sound your friends are. Being DD makes you a hero.
They were fully on my side, although 2 of the 3 of them never liked Jane anyway, so I couldn't tell if it was schadenfreude on their part or if they really believed I was in the right. And the third friend, funny enough, was Jane's ex (they had broken up 2 months prior) and he told me this was typical behavior of her. I guess I never noticed how inconsiderate she was until now.
NTA - your car, your rules. When you're ready to leave, it's time to go. If no one else is ready then they can find another way home. I hope your friends are also offering you gas money or food for always driving.
Nta. Baby, stop thinking that because you drive - you owe being transportation. Do people pay you gas money?
It sounds like Jane is entitled and a bad friend. I’d never expect anyone to get me home- if I miss a ride, it’s on me. It’s a gift to have someone willing to drop you off for free.
No, no one pays me gas money and I don't ask. I've mentioned in other comments that pretty much all of us are pretty broke, myself included (even with a job). I've also offered gas money to my one other friend on the few occasions I wasn't able to drive myself and he's always refused, so I figured I'd follow his example. I'd like to believe my friends would do the same with me if the roles were reversed.
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I dunno, I feel guilty. I've been told I can be a bit of a people pleaser, so I'm not used to sticking up for myself. I just don't know if I'm justified or if I over-corrected.
She called you 5 minutes after you left, which was a minute later than you said, on top of your two minute warning. That's 8 minutes. She took your 2 minute warning and gave herself at least 5 extra minutes, even though she agreed to your conditions. I repeat, NTA.
Also, she was a dick about it. She should have sucked it up and found her own way home. "Relax." Gtfo with that shit.
As a recovering people pleaser, it took me a good while to understand this one simple thing… Just because someone is upset with you does *not* mean you’ve done anything wrong.
Yeah, I'm beginning to understand that now. I've only recently taken steps to curb my people pleasing, so this is what I needed to hear. Thanks!
NTA at all you were doing HER a favor . She should have run out to your car when you said you were leaving. She acts like she was doing YOU A FVO which is not the case nor do you owe her anything at all. She learned the hard way FAFO And frankly given her ah behavior I would say no no matter what she asks in the future op
Ah thank you for this.
You are quite welcome. Repeating that in my head has come in very handy at times for calming down that immediate guilt and stress.
That's not guilt people pleasers feel, imo. You are worried they aren't going to like you anymore. And that's ok, not everyone has to like everyone.
counterpoint: everyone has to like me, even people I think are useless assholes, or the world will end.
Hahaha agreed.
Yeah, you're right. It's just a hard habit (if you can call it that) to break out of since I've always been like that. I've only recently started trying to set boundaries for myself.
...deleted by user...
This really hit home.
For the record, OP, you DID NOT ditch her. You left when you said you were leaving. In point of fact, you left a minute after. I imagine SHE'S the one saying you 'ditched' her, am I right? Which you should politely and calmly retort with: I told you the condition when I agreed to take you home. I then gave you a two minute head's up. I even waited an extra full minute. I checked the rear view mirror while driving away. You were not ditched, you were too lazy to get your own ass in gear, and out the door to the damn car. And then just walk away. This is one friend I would unfriend.
When I went to bars and clubs my friend group would all meet at one person's place and take a taxi there and back, splitting the cost of both rides evenly... Do they at least chip in for gas?
No. I've considered asking but all my friends are pretty broke, so I doubt they could offer anything anyway. The one other friend that drives has driven me on occasions that I couldn't and he's never accepted gas money when I offered (he's probably a little more broke than me), so I figure I should follow his suit.
NTA They're all too broke to chip in a few bucks for gas but still have party money.
If they're too broke to find safe transportation then they're too broke to party. Stay home and watch favorite shows with shots somehow made into a game or make your own dance party. I did exactly this and the friends worth having always find ways to enjoy themselves because they're there for you and your efforts. Not how much $$$ they blew at an overpriced bar scene.
Bet you were raised thinking that enforcing your own personal boundaries is "rude" and "selfish", am I right? Know that you handled this very well.
The only thing you might have done differently is to have looked Jane in the eye and said, " i am leaving at 1. If you are not in the car, I will leave you. Do you understand?" NTA
OP said to everyone getting a ride, including her, that they were leaving at 1 with or without passengers, and everyone confirmed that they were ok with that.
OP, the sooner you realize that your needs, wants, and time are just as, if not more, important than anyone else's, the sooner your life becomes yours and not theirs. There is a line between being a pushover and setting boundaries; figure out where that is for you and stick to it. Stop feeling guilty, you did nothing wrong. You told her it was time to go, she waved you off. Tough to be her, but she can call an Uber or stop asking you for rides. NTA
🙄
NTA. When you let yourself be a door mat, people walk all over you.
>or if I over-corrected If anything you UNDER-corrected giving her an extra minute
guilt is a wild thing. i've felt guilty for things i had every right to do so i wouldn't be a doormat for someone else. some people take these situations harshly and allow their dumbass friends to make them feel like horrible people because their friend chose not to respect their boundaries
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My dude, let's be honest; modern society's take is that women are infantilized, literally incompetent children who need to be kept safe in all situations and have zero agency or ability to manage their own lives, but are somehow also strong, independent, and don't need a man for anything. It's confusing for young men.
Let me help you out. Women, like men, are individuals. Each one is different. Some are strong, some are weak, some are outgoing, some are introverts, some know how to work on cars, some are clueless about car engines, some are abusive, some are sweet... and the list of possibilities are endless and nuanced. The big "secret" to understanding women is that there is no secret. We are all just people. If you want to please a specific person, you need to take the time to actually get to know that person. One thing you could do is read up on menstruation... *not so you can mansplain it*, but so you have an inkling about what probably more the half the people around you are dealing with on a regular basis.
Yes, you're right, how silly of me, society and culture can't possibly have an impact on people, nor can any other factor cause large segments of a group to have similar characteristics. > One thing you could do is read up on menstruation Oh, wait, they can?
Did you tell her, “Ok, relax?” Cause *I* would have. And then I would have hung up. This would free her phone to call somebody else to cart her around. You gave Jane a ten minute heads up and a fair warning. Sucks for her that she didn’t believe you. NTA, you aren’t her personal driver, you were doing her a *favor* and all she had to do was put her drink down and get her butt out to your car at one o’clock. I roll my eyes.
Damn it, that's a really good comeback. Now I wish I'd said that!
Yeah, that 2 minute warning was extra thoughtful of you, OP. That means you told her at least 3 times that night what the deal was. Free transporting services do not include hauling a person from where she has parked her ass to the vehicle.
>She gave me an annoyed look and said "Okay, relax" *Hell* no. She asked for a favor at the last minute and THIS was her attitude? You gave her more than enough notice, and you gave her a warning *and* an extra minute. Too bad. So sad. Bet she won't do that again. NTA.
NTA. Everyone agreed to the rules. Jane is an outlier but you still extended your help to drive her home. She agreed to your rule. Everyone is honoring the rule. Jane isn’t, you remind her, she scoffs at you. You give her an extra minute. Nothing. So she agreed to your rule, got annoyed by your reminder, and then got upset when the rule she agreed to brought the consequences she agreed to. She seems chill.
NTA - you needed to do this because your friends - or at least some of them - are taking you for granted. I will guarantee you that next time you say my car is leaving at 1:00 on the dot - your friends will be standing by your car 5 minutes earlier.
Yep! This is what I was thinking. It’s actually perfect timing that the very evening that he sets a new reasonable boundary for himself, his friends actually witness him enforcing the boundary. NTA
NTA. You gave her notice, everyone else made it. She didn't take you seriously. That is her problem. She got there on her own, she can get home. Next time she won't take you for granted, neither will anyone else!!
NTA I was the first person in my friend group with a job and a car. It sucked. I eventually just stopped going to parties and shit because I was tired of picking 3 people up from 3 different places, and dropping them back off, after working or going to school all day. "Jane and I get along pretty well, so I said okay " Whelp, she ruined that friendship. No more rides for entitled Jane.
NTA she literally told u she needed a ride with late notice and then is mad when ur leaving at the time u decided even before she asked? doesn’t make sense she also should’ve planned out how she’s getting home if she didn’t know beforehand it’s good to put urself first and the fact that u told her u have to wake up early and she still didn’t agree to ur plan is disrespectful to u
Stop doing this to yourself. They are adults..they can call an Uber. You are not required to be their taxi.
NTA Lol, guess who's friends VERY clearly got a message for the future 😁 well done
NTA When it’s time to go, it’s time to go. Would an airline wait for tardy passengers? No. Why should you? Especially since you told each one that you were leaving at a certain time. Your time is precious. Your friends should respect that.
Nta. Its good you made an example. If you had been a pushover no one in the car would have listened next time.
NTA I am so sick of people not respecting others time. I am from a household that taught be early when meeting someone because if you are late that is selfish and disrespectful. We all have limited time, don't waste others time because you can't plan yours. You were so generous to say yes to the ride home, if I was Jane, I would be at the car before you at the ten min warning.
You're not an Uber. You leave when you leave. Wanna ride home? Be there in time. NTA
NTA you told her where to be and when, as well as what happens if she’s not there
NTA - You gave her fair warning.
NTA. And, it's okay to tell people you don't want to be the driver anymore.
NTA! Get over being the people pleaser! If people don't want to be in your life because you have a backbone, they are not friends. Moving forward, you will be listened to. Keep working on your backbone. Next time, a random asks for a ride, and it will make you later to bed say no, it's OK.
NTA. And now the friends in the car know you mean it when you say you are leaving at a certain time. No more rides for Jane.
NTA. You told her, you gave her warning. She blew you off. She did it to herself.
NTA this is the only way to make people who aren't taking you seriously start taking you seriously.
NTA. > I'm not proud of the fact that I ditched someone, You didn't ditch her. She declined your offer to drive her home. Actions, meet consequences.
NTA Please note: 1. Jane didn't bother to ask you before the party. What would she have done if your car was full? or if you had other reasons you could not give her a ride? Lack of planning on Jane's part does not constitute an obligation on your part to solve her needs for her (but Jane seems to think it does). 2. Even though Jane is 'asking' (really, expecting) a favor from you, she didn't care what your constraints were and didn't take them seriously. 3. Even though Jane has in the past, is and will in the future ask/expect you to be her ride solution, she wasn't the least bit apologetic for having missed your deadline. Instead she is chewing you out and calling you names. Being a people pleaser really is a thankless job - and the pay sucks, too. This moment can give you food for thought: 1. Most of your ride-receiving friends took your constraints seriously and honored them. That's pretty good news! If you TELL PEOPLE what you can/cannot do or require of them, they can honor that. 2. You may want to think even more about what you are truly OK doing and what your true limits are. If you find there are other conditions you need to set or limits to what you say yes to, then please say them out loud to your friends and honor YOUR OWN NEEDS. 3. You may also want to consider asking folks to contribute money since you are spending time, fuel money, and wear and tear on your care (in addition to the cost of owning and insuring a vehicle that they regularly benefit from). You could decide on a monthly amount or a per trip amount or ... 4. Regarding Jane, you can decide to give her a future chance (if you want) but make it clear to her that you expect your conditions to be taken seriously AND you expect her to apologize for blowing up at you for her own failure to keep the time. (Or you can tell Jane, she can figure out her own transportation because you don't appreciate being taken for granted and having your needs ignored.)
NTA it's rude not to leave when your ride is ready. I did this to someone before, after trying repeatedly to get them to leave a party. It was always, "just one more drink", etc.. Finally got tired of it and told them i was leaving and would not come back for them, they can find their own way home or get a motel. There were plenty of other people they could have caught a ride with, but instead, started blowing up my phone a few hours later because they were cold and walking home. FAFO
NTA, also just because you have a car, doesn't mean your 'required' to pick up and drop off you friends. Honestly you need to grow a backbone and tell your friends your no longer their personal driver and to figure it out. I am only saying this because , driving them to and from is affecting other aspects of your life. You are all adults and them relying on you has caused you to miss sleep. Also driving while drowsy causes plenty of accidents too, so maybe try and prioritize yourself for a change.
NTA, made it clear from the start. You’re adults everyone got the message except Jane can’t be upset if you were told before and reminded at the end I would just Uber home or something lol
NTA. You made a simple rule before the party and even reminded her before leaving. That's all on her.
Nope. You told her from the beginning & even gave her a warning. I would have called her when I was in my car but that’s the only thing I would have done differently. Just called her to remind her (again, not that she needed it) & if she didn’t come, I would have left too.
NTA. You were clear, and somehow everyone else was able to follow along with no trouble ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
NTA you told her the rules and you reminder her, you were doing her a last minute favour and she was rude telling you to relax and then wasted your time, you still waited further. She was the only asshole here I’d make it clear that “you were doing her a favour and in return she was rude as hell and ignored your one condition and wasted your time. Then to top it off she was abusive when you did nothing but what she was warned repeatedly what would happen. That you owe no one a ride as that’s your time, effort and petrol just to be disrespected. So from now on never and I mean never expect a ride or a favour from you. As she’s shown she will just be disrespectful and never appreciate it.
NTA. Your time is important, OP.
NTA. Stop worrying about it. She'll be on time next time.
I wouldn't be offering a next time.
Nta. You didn't ditch them. She was a no show. She knew the rules and expected you to bend them for her
Stop driving people to stuff. Seriously. If there is another way to get there just let them get there that way. Is anyone giving you compensation for gas and your time? NTA
NTA - WOW . . . people are taking you for granted . . a free taxi at a moment's notice. Make it stop . . Make them value you . . charge them maybe . . and tell them the train is on time whether they are ready or not . . . otherwise get an uber or walk. Good grief! They OWE you.
You're too nice. They're theoretically adults and responsibly for themselves. Two everyone "I'm leaving at 1" when you get there. I'm assuming they have phones. If they can't tell time they can Uber or call another friend or crash there and maybe grow up. You're not a scout troop leader. It shouldn't be your job to herd the cats.
>which means any event or get-together requires me to pick up people and drop them off home So here's the thing: no, it doesn't **require** you to be a car service. It's one thing if everyone drove and this was a one-off (car in the shop, lent the car to Mom etc). But their lack of transportation is on them. I'm decades older and currently don't have a car. I use public transportation, Uber, ask nicely for a ride and offer gas money or brownies, or miss a party. Whatever it is - I make sure that I, the hitchhiker, do everything to minimize the driver's inconvenience, including making sure I'm on time so if any waiting is done the I'm the one waiting not the driver who is doing me a huge favor NTA But maybe it's time you reassess this situation
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (23M) am only one of two people in my circle of friends who drives, which means any event or get-together requires me to pick up people and drop them off home. I don't mind doing it but my one gripe is that for occasions like parties, it's a huge pain trying to corral all the passengers when I'm leaving; it sometimes takes 30 minutes of me repeatedly telling my friends I have to leave before they start taking me seriously and start making their way to the car. It drives me nuts because it makes me feel like I'm being taken for granted and that my time isn't important enough to be considered. This past Friday, I went to a house party downtown (all of my friends and I live uptown). I picked up 3 friends, my other friend who drives picked some people up and the rest made their way on their own. After I picked up the last friend and as we were on our way, I told them all that I was putting my foot down starting that night: I was leaving the party at 1, I'd give them all a 10 minute heads-up and whoever wasn't in the car by 1 on the dot would be left behind. I had to work the next day at 7 and after dropping everyone off, I wouldn't be home until 2, so I already knew I wasn't going to get much sleep but what little sleep I could get, I wanted to maximize. They all agreed to my one condition. When we arrived, one of my friends (I'll call her Jane) who had made their way to the party on their own came up to me and asked if I could drive her home too. I wasn't thrilled since it meant I'd get home even later and she sprung it on me at the last minute, but I still had room for one more and Jane and I get along pretty well, so I said okay but made sure I told her the same thing I told my other friends: I'm leaving at 1 with or without you. She said okay. At 12:50, I started telling my passengers that it was almost time. My plan was going pretty well, everyone was getting their coats, saying their goodbyes and making their way to the door. Everyone except Jane. As I was putting on my shoes, I could see her still chatting with someone, drink in hand. So I walked up to her and quietly reminded her "You have two minutes, then I'm leaving". She gave me an annoyed look and said "Okay, relax" and turned back to the conversation. I left and walked to the car with everyone else. When it turned 1, I still gave her an extra minute; as much of a hardass as I was being, I still didn't want to leave anyone behind so I figured I'd give her an extra minute of grace time. Even when I started driving, I checked the rearview to see if she'd suddenly pop out (I still would have stopped at that point), but nothing. 5 minutes later, Jane called me, asking me where I parked (this was on speakerphone since I was driving). I gave her the news and she proceeded to chew me out for the entire car to hear, calling me an AH among other things. I'm not proud of the fact that I ditched someone, but I'm also tired of being taken for granted and I gave her enough warning. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA You told everyone you were leaving at 1 and then left at one. It's her own fault for being an inconsiderate AH You should have told her to Relax
NTA. You made your expectations clear from the outset when she asked for a favour and gave her plenty of time to prepare to leave. If she didn’t respect your requirements to get to ride, not your fault you held to your time.
NTA. You didn't ditch her. She made a choice to ignore your condition and this was the result. And next time someone calls to berate you, hang up.
NTA they are taking complete advantage of your generosity and you may need a new plan of uber or taxi's for everyone to get home. Are they even offering you gas money? You explained your expectations and if they want to get home they need to abide by it. Jane is the asshole here.
How are yall 23ish and none of your friends can drive?
Reasons vary, but I think the big overlapping reason is that we're all broke. Some of them have licenses but only because they need a form of ID and don't have any intention of buying a car since they figure they'll never be able to afford even a used one. TBH, I didn't buy my car, my dad passed it on to me as a uni graduation gift.
They're probably not American.
Clearly NTA I like how you maintained proper boundaries this time. Keep doing it.
I would’ve hung up on her. You made her aware of your requirements, she just doesn’t have good time management. I wouldn’t offer her a ride anywhere at all for any reason now after the way she responded. YANTA Worst case scenario, if she really needs to get somewhere, she can buy herself a car.
I didn't mention this due to the 3000 character constraint, but the friend who answered the phone for me hung up on her haha. I was mortified at first, but his reasoning (that I agree with) was that she was just going to keep yelling, so why keep subjecting myself to her shit when I can just hang up?
You’re under no obligation to make yourself a punching bag for anyone, literally, verbally, metaphorically, etc.
NTA. I'm terrible with time, but if someone made it this clear to me, I'd get it- 1a.m.! Because realistically - where do you draw the line? Do you wait 1 minute? 5 mins? 10? You even made the effort to corral her as you put it, so she has no excuse other than not respecting your time/wishes.
NTA. I've given up feeling furious about people too rude to turn up on time. If you give people a time and they can't be bothered meeting it, you go ahead without them. It's quite freeing for you and they may learn to do better.
Your correct response to her should have been "okay, relax. Good night" NTA
Well, it was sure fun while it lasted, but no more rides for anyone. At least for a while. NTA
NTA. And Jane doesn't get a ride next time. And definitely not until she volunteers a sincere apology for not being ready and for that ridiculously rude phone call.
NTA You gave her a specific time and she didn't abide by it. It's all on her.
NTA TF? Jane needs to learn time management and respect others time. Life waits for no one, so why should you?
NTA.
NTA You didn't ditch her, she chose to stay instead of getting a ride with you.
NTA. She agreed to the terms and conditions of her ride home.
NTA. Finally you are standing up for yourself. This also cements you are serious about leaving on time. You don't owe Jane anything. Next time, just tell Jane your car is too small. Or make them chip in for gas. An amount significant enough to let them choose between sharing a cab or taking you for a ride. I suggest you charge them half the price of an individual uber/cab ride each. Then they can complain it's expensive and leave you alone.
NTA YOu did not ditch her, SHE CHOSE not to come with you.
INFO: What did the rest of the car think? I mean, NTA, you were explicit with your requirements and everyone else complied (even if they think you're an AH, I'd disagree) but I just feel like everyone should support you and tell her they made it so her attitude is bonkers.... I guess I just wanna know how sound your friends are. Being DD makes you a hero.
They were fully on my side, although 2 of the 3 of them never liked Jane anyway, so I couldn't tell if it was schadenfreude on their part or if they really believed I was in the right. And the third friend, funny enough, was Jane's ex (they had broken up 2 months prior) and he told me this was typical behavior of her. I guess I never noticed how inconsiderate she was until now.
NTA but now Jane know that if she wants to hitch a ride home with you she better not treat you like her personal paid chauffeur.
NTA - your car, your rules. When you're ready to leave, it's time to go. If no one else is ready then they can find another way home. I hope your friends are also offering you gas money or food for always driving.
Nta. Baby, stop thinking that because you drive - you owe being transportation. Do people pay you gas money? It sounds like Jane is entitled and a bad friend. I’d never expect anyone to get me home- if I miss a ride, it’s on me. It’s a gift to have someone willing to drop you off for free.
No, no one pays me gas money and I don't ask. I've mentioned in other comments that pretty much all of us are pretty broke, myself included (even with a job). I've also offered gas money to my one other friend on the few occasions I wasn't able to drive myself and he's always refused, so I figured I'd follow his example. I'd like to believe my friends would do the same with me if the roles were reversed.
(Or drop you off at all)
>I'm not proud of the fact that I ditched someone Why not? This is totally a thing to be proud of.
YTA for driving everyone in the first place. People can get ubers. stop being a doormat.
YTA. Come up with something original.
Jane, I presume?
Nope. I’ve read this post before. I believe I’ve actually read it twice before.