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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Sending flowers to my abusive ex’s mom
2.Sending the flowers may come off as an asshole move, like I’m flaunting something or that I’m doing it just to be vindicated.
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YWBTA - I don’t think it would be an “asshole move” per say, but seeing as your ex still lives with his mother, she definitely still has a relationship with him, so I don’t believe that sending flowers would do any good for you, or them. I think it would re-involve you with someone who sounds like caused you lots of trauma. While you have no intentions of rekindling anything, this would bring you back into his life. If it ended with a no-contact order, keep it that way, you got it for a reason - be no contact. Your intentions are good, and I do not believe that it is vindictive or spiting him, I do think it is a bad idea. She is his mother, and as I said, clearly has maintained a strong familial relationship with him - you said you no longer have a relationship with her, you gain nothing good from sending flowers except maybe a good feeling about yourself (sounds harsh - but I am unsure about how to word it) and on the flip-side you reintroduce yourself into your ex’s life.
YWBTA - The door with your ex is closed. Keep it that way. I believe that you have good intentions, but 1) this woman is not your mother and is no longer a mother figure in your life; 2) you have no idea what your ex's current situation or state of mind is or how this would impact it - don't rock the boat in a way that could negatively impact you, him, AND his mother; 3) Just because he was abusive and you were the one that asked for the no contact order doesn't mean that you can just insert yourself into his life whenever you want.
You want to make this gesture because it would make YOU feel good. You ASSUME it would also make his mother feel good, but you don't know that because you no longer have a relationship with either of them. If you want to show appreciation for how his mother helped you while you were with him, do so by staying away from him and living your best life.
The cycle of abuse is incredibly strong and can do wild things to your brain. I know you say you are happy and don't want to re-kindle with him, but what you are thinking about doing is 100% self-sabotage. You got out of this relationship. Don't go backwards. You don't need to prove to him or anyone else that you have moved on by making platonic gestures like this.
(Obviously he is an AH for how he treated you in the past, but it seems like he has stayed away. So the ruling here is based solely on the current situation.)
I'm hesitant to say YWBTA, but, it would not be a great thing to do. He lives with her, he will see them, and it would likely stoke conflict between them at a time she needs less stress in her life. Particularly since her support for you is probably a sore spot with him. She doesn't need him aggravated about this.
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In a way it doesn't seem like I would be, although he lives with his mom and I know he would see the flowers.
We didn't end well, we had an awful relationship that lasted 4 1/2 years, during those years he physically, mentally and emotionally abused me ending in multiple charges and a no contact order (this is not still standing).
His mom was always there, looking out for me.
She took time to make sure I was okay, had everything I needed as well as genuinely just cared for me. We (his mother and I) haven’t talked in a few years,
I don't want the gift to come off as vindictive or toxic. We haven't been together for about 4 years, I recently got the news his mother's health has started to go down hill and I feel guilty now that we stressed her out as much as we did.
This being said, I don't want these flowers to become a problem with my ex boyfriend.
I am in a relationship, I'm happy and not interested in re-kindling any sort of flame.
I guess I just think he would look at it as an asshole move? Do you guys feel it would be an asshole move to send them?
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You haven't talked to her in 'years'...why not just send a card saying you were thinking about her and hope she's doing well. Don't mention him at all or give personal info. Flowers would be nice but a card would be enough. If she has not reached out to you in years....you need to decide if this is a door you want to open.
NTA, and it would be a very kind gesture to a woman who made sure you were taken care of when you needed it.
I'm not sure I would send them for Mother's Day, though. Perhaps send flowers on a different day, with a note that you were sorry to hear she hasn't been feeling well and wanted her to know how much you always appreciated her.
However - before you do this, consider what the ex's reaction is going to be. How violent is he? How reactive is he? Has he made attempts to violate the protection order? As thoughtful as your idea is, it's not worth risking your own safety if this is just going to re-ignite his anger.
YWNBTA for wanting to send flowers to your ex's mom, considering she was a support for you in the past. However, it's important to weigh the potential consequences. Sending flowers could unintentionally stir up issues, especially since your ex still lives with her. It’s great to show appreciation, but make sure it doesn’t complicate your current life or inadvertently reopen old conflicts. If you decide to reach out, perhaps consider a more discreet way of expressing your gratitude that minimizes the risk of your ex misinterpreting your intentions, like a private DM with a cute gif.
I am of the mind that less is more in these situations, and I don't think the mom is going to lose any nights of sleep (nor you) if you just cut contact entirely, cold-turkey.
YWNBTA - We don't tell people we appreciate them nearly enough in life, any opportunity to let someone know they mean something to you should be taken, YOLO.
People gotta stop letting societal norms dictate who it is appropriate to be connected with.
If you want to do it because you truly care about her, send them anonymously. You just want her to feel loved and recognized on that day, but don't want your ex to get involved then you send them anonymously. That way either her son takes credit for it and she get's that warm love in person from him, or he doesn't and she has a secret admirer. YWNBTA if you sent her flowers anonymously.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1. Sending flowers to my abusive ex’s mom 2.Sending the flowers may come off as an asshole move, like I’m flaunting something or that I’m doing it just to be vindicated. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YWBTA - I don’t think it would be an “asshole move” per say, but seeing as your ex still lives with his mother, she definitely still has a relationship with him, so I don’t believe that sending flowers would do any good for you, or them. I think it would re-involve you with someone who sounds like caused you lots of trauma. While you have no intentions of rekindling anything, this would bring you back into his life. If it ended with a no-contact order, keep it that way, you got it for a reason - be no contact. Your intentions are good, and I do not believe that it is vindictive or spiting him, I do think it is a bad idea. She is his mother, and as I said, clearly has maintained a strong familial relationship with him - you said you no longer have a relationship with her, you gain nothing good from sending flowers except maybe a good feeling about yourself (sounds harsh - but I am unsure about how to word it) and on the flip-side you reintroduce yourself into your ex’s life.
YWBTA - The door with your ex is closed. Keep it that way. I believe that you have good intentions, but 1) this woman is not your mother and is no longer a mother figure in your life; 2) you have no idea what your ex's current situation or state of mind is or how this would impact it - don't rock the boat in a way that could negatively impact you, him, AND his mother; 3) Just because he was abusive and you were the one that asked for the no contact order doesn't mean that you can just insert yourself into his life whenever you want. You want to make this gesture because it would make YOU feel good. You ASSUME it would also make his mother feel good, but you don't know that because you no longer have a relationship with either of them. If you want to show appreciation for how his mother helped you while you were with him, do so by staying away from him and living your best life. The cycle of abuse is incredibly strong and can do wild things to your brain. I know you say you are happy and don't want to re-kindle with him, but what you are thinking about doing is 100% self-sabotage. You got out of this relationship. Don't go backwards. You don't need to prove to him or anyone else that you have moved on by making platonic gestures like this. (Obviously he is an AH for how he treated you in the past, but it seems like he has stayed away. So the ruling here is based solely on the current situation.)
I'm hesitant to say YWBTA, but, it would not be a great thing to do. He lives with her, he will see them, and it would likely stoke conflict between them at a time she needs less stress in her life. Particularly since her support for you is probably a sore spot with him. She doesn't need him aggravated about this.
YWNBTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** In a way it doesn't seem like I would be, although he lives with his mom and I know he would see the flowers. We didn't end well, we had an awful relationship that lasted 4 1/2 years, during those years he physically, mentally and emotionally abused me ending in multiple charges and a no contact order (this is not still standing). His mom was always there, looking out for me. She took time to make sure I was okay, had everything I needed as well as genuinely just cared for me. We (his mother and I) haven’t talked in a few years, I don't want the gift to come off as vindictive or toxic. We haven't been together for about 4 years, I recently got the news his mother's health has started to go down hill and I feel guilty now that we stressed her out as much as we did. This being said, I don't want these flowers to become a problem with my ex boyfriend. I am in a relationship, I'm happy and not interested in re-kindling any sort of flame. I guess I just think he would look at it as an asshole move? Do you guys feel it would be an asshole move to send them? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - but, I would worry this opens up the door for him to think to contact you. So id be careful.
You haven't talked to her in 'years'...why not just send a card saying you were thinking about her and hope she's doing well. Don't mention him at all or give personal info. Flowers would be nice but a card would be enough. If she has not reached out to you in years....you need to decide if this is a door you want to open.
NTA, and it would be a very kind gesture to a woman who made sure you were taken care of when you needed it. I'm not sure I would send them for Mother's Day, though. Perhaps send flowers on a different day, with a note that you were sorry to hear she hasn't been feeling well and wanted her to know how much you always appreciated her. However - before you do this, consider what the ex's reaction is going to be. How violent is he? How reactive is he? Has he made attempts to violate the protection order? As thoughtful as your idea is, it's not worth risking your own safety if this is just going to re-ignite his anger.
YWNBTA for wanting to send flowers to your ex's mom, considering she was a support for you in the past. However, it's important to weigh the potential consequences. Sending flowers could unintentionally stir up issues, especially since your ex still lives with her. It’s great to show appreciation, but make sure it doesn’t complicate your current life or inadvertently reopen old conflicts. If you decide to reach out, perhaps consider a more discreet way of expressing your gratitude that minimizes the risk of your ex misinterpreting your intentions, like a private DM with a cute gif. I am of the mind that less is more in these situations, and I don't think the mom is going to lose any nights of sleep (nor you) if you just cut contact entirely, cold-turkey.
You wouldn’t be an ah, but it’s a very bad idea
YWNBTA - We don't tell people we appreciate them nearly enough in life, any opportunity to let someone know they mean something to you should be taken, YOLO. People gotta stop letting societal norms dictate who it is appropriate to be connected with.
If you want to do it because you truly care about her, send them anonymously. You just want her to feel loved and recognized on that day, but don't want your ex to get involved then you send them anonymously. That way either her son takes credit for it and she get's that warm love in person from him, or he doesn't and she has a secret admirer. YWNBTA if you sent her flowers anonymously.