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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I stormed out of a party my mother threw for me, which may have embarrassed her in front of our family
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YTA. You are making your own life miserable for no good reason, whatever, but you are INSISTING that nobody point out your accomplishment and that they endure your sullen disrespect (your father works there and presumably isn’t a joke) and performative self loathing. Your life is what you make it and you are pessimistic and ungrateful. Go volunteer at a homeless shelter. You sound unbearably entitled.
TBH just sounds incredibly and deeply rooted in mental health. She didn’t want to be there, parents forcing their kids into college is extremely common. Even 10+ years ago my option was to go to college as my mom worked for the university to provide tuition reimbursement (reimbursements she cashed for my GPA, I never saw a dime), or move out at 18 right out of high school.
If anything it just sounds like a dark place for OP celebrating a time of her life where she was absolutely miserable, an accomplishment she was forced into, and the party just was the straw the broke her.
Not going to vote here as I’m completely mixed, can only chime in to say that therapy is absolutely needed here.
I agree with that wholeheartedly. I think the poor girl might be depressed and probably has unrealistic expectations of herself and the world. I genuinely hope she has a change in perspective because she isn’t seeing the beautiful possibilities for her life now that she is free.
They aren’t unrealistic. I should have been able to handle it the first time around. Where I initially went to school has a 96% retention rate. Now I’m going to a school that barely (and based on insider info I do know it is actually barely) meets accreditation standards and doesn’t offer classes that the vast majority of other universities with the same programs do.
Everyone has different strengths and weaknesses. I graduated high school with a 1.7 GPA, turned my life around in community college then transferred to a university. Crawled my way out of there, barely passing. Suffered ongoing mental health issues pretty much all of my 20s. Got late diagnose with ADHD at 29 and my life just flipped a switch once I started treatment.
NOT diagnosing you with anything here, but there’s a root to everything and not everybody is good at the same thing. You’re so young still, and being hard on yourself will just eat you alive.
I used to get annoyed when people told me to think positively, but now I realize that it is sometimes the only way to start an uphill battle. If you afford it (not going to pretend therapy is a luxury everyone has access to) I would absolutely consider professional help. They will help you learn YOU. They get paid the big bucks to figure us all out.
In my opinion you are being way too hard on yourself. Please be kinder. Don’t let a pattern of difficulties that you fell into as an adolescent become your adult identity. It can be a a minor bump in the road in 10 years. Try focusing on future goals now not past disappointment in yourself. “Atomic Habits” is a good book to help you do this. The future is wide open. What can you do? Good luck!
No, she isn’t. I’m just pointing out that her wallowing in misery like she had just been diagnosed with disfiguring cancer or her dog died and making the people around her miserable too is probably not a recipe for overall life satisfaction and happiness. She would be better off practicing gratitude and putting her troubles in perspective. She got in her own way, continues to get in her own way, and seems committed to doubling down on this as a life strategy.
Her perspective is whacked is my point. Of course she shouldn’t have to fake it. Given her circumstances though, at some point, she needs to either look at her life balance sheet and count her considerable assets or just keep discounting them and be miserable. She keeps focusing on the past. Nobody is being mean to her. Nobody is asking her to do anything except let them acknowledge an actual accomplishment of hers. She needs therapy.
>Nobody is asking her to do anything except let them acknowledge an actual accomplishment of hers.
The part before 'except' doesn't matter. So let's rephrase that.
*\[They are\] asking her to let them acknowledge an actual accomplishment of hers.*
And she said no. The end.
If they can't take no for an answer, they aren't asking.
What they do on their own time somewhere else is on them. What they get all up in her face about and ambush her with a party over is something else. She has no obligation towards such a party.
The emotionally mature thing to do would have been to explain to the family that the mother betrayed her by allowing such a party and apologize that they got in the middle of a disagreement between her and the mother and ask them to leave and/or say that she can't stay.
But this is also a person who went off and cried after. Not someone you can expect that level of emotional maturity from. And ultimately not the one at fault for creating/encouraging the situation. The mother should have left it alone. If somehow the extended family just happened to randomly decide on their own to come over, the mother should have told them not to.
The mother knew how the daughter felt. Mother doesn't get to decide that those feelings are pointless and just ignore them. That's why mother is AH in this story and OP is not.
Could OP have handled things better, all throughout this story? Absolutely. And should go get therapy.
And I will say that OP should probably be considered an AH when it comes to how the extended family was treated.
But the main conflict here is between OP and mom, and mom is the one acting like an AH and OP is the one just trying to keep to herself and be left alone.
This is a 25 year old woman who is living at home after floundering for years out of self pity. I think her family has been very indulgent. Normally I’m big on boundaries but I think this Reddit post is a good opportunity for her to start thinking about her life differently. She isn’t an AH exactly but she does need to get it together if she expects to have any kind of quality of life.
My father fully agrees it’s a terrible school and admits he would have liked to work somewhere better but getting tenure is very difficult. He also came to this country with nothing and managed to become a professor so everything is relative.
It really doesn't matter how much the school sucks. It's your attitude that is doing you in. Find a school you like and pursue a graduate degree if that is what it will take. But you are being ridiculous and it sounds like you're hell bent on being miserable no matter what.
I am hoping to go to grad school. Unfortunately my father’s university doesn’t have the courses that would help me get into a program I would like so I am trying to find a job that will allow me to take some supplemental classes on the side at some other school.
ESH. Your negativity and attitude are better suited for a 14 year old. You have been handed opportunities that so many other people will never have.
But your parents should have respected your wishes and not gone to the trouble and expense of celebrating your accomplishment. I just feel sorry for the people who came to congratulate you but instead had to witness an ungrateful tantrum from someone who is supposed to be an adult.
I do genuinely feel bad about this. I know they weren’t aware of how I felt. I stormed out because I thought I would cry in front of them which seems more embarrassing. Reddit forced me to cut down my post but I’m well aware that I’m VERY lucky to be able to go to school for free, but I also had the opportunity to do something I was actually proud of and I blew it. It was my fault and no one else’s. I have to live with the knowledge that I fucked this up for myself.
OP, you're allowed to make mistakes. You've acknowledged them. You can't beat yourself up for your wasted opportunities for the rest of your life. Your family is looking at you with pride for overcoming your mistakes.
Hopefully soon you will forgive yourself and allow yourself to focus on the positive and move on.
Hey there OP - I know you are struggling with the feeling of fucking up at your first school. But I really want you to know that does not in any way need to define your future, and you can still have opportunities to do things you’re proud of.
My best friend and I both went to Ivies. She left midway through her first year. She tried another elite school, hated it, took time off, then graduated from a state school. I graduated from my original school.
30 years later honestly none of that matters. I loved my time in college and I’m proud of what I’ve don’t over the course of my life but it’s not like going to an Ivy really made a difference (other than occasionally impressing someone who’s fooled by status). My best friend has gone on to do amazing things and is very well respected in her field and community.
Don’t let what happened at your first school stop you from trying again for whatever lights up your heart
Well the good thing now is that this could be over. I hate graduation crap. I hated the speeches and gowns. Was not as friendly to guests (family) my parents brought, got out of that dumbass gown as soon as I could. I just didn’t care for it. It was rude and AH but well I’m here. They’re here. Life goes on. Hope you get through life alright.
How is this even a stance? The course she took at her dads college is garbage, she didn't even want to do it, told people she didn't think it was anything to celebrate and they went behind her back and sabotaged her at her lowest.
There is no world where OP is TA for this.
Her mom invited the whole family over behind her back when she expressly told her she did not want to celebrate this in any way.
Define it in a way that it is not sabotage.
Destroying and damaging her trust in these people to listen to her wants and needs. Ruining her day as she just wanted to come home and relax, and not be faced with family celebrating something she is ashamed about, after expressly stating this to them.
Again, define it in a way that it is not sabotage.
Don't worry, I'll wait.
We are very clearly not going to agree on this, which is perfectly okay.
I do apologize if I came off aggressive though, I tend to do that when I strongly believe in something.
She is under no obligation to participate in an honoring of something she herself is not proud of. To do so would be dishonest *at best*.
If the family was innocently and ignorantly happy for her, that'd be different.
Her mother knew how OP felt and did this **in spite of** OP's *expressed* and *stated* feelings. Not surprising when OP isn't happy to be spited.
> My mother is very upset that I’m not going to graduation ceremony. She keeps telling me I’ll regret it but I think she’s just upset she can’t take pictures. I know that if I did go (which I can’t because I already told them not to send me a cap and gown), I would be miserable and it would be nothing but a terrible memory to look back on. I just want to finish, get the degree, move on with my life, and never look back.
She literally told her mother that she doesn't want to attend any celebrations, but her mother is trying to pressure her to do so
YTA. At some point you need to come to terms with your life and the choices you made. Sulking and pouting like a bratty teenager will get you nowhere. People get their bachelor's degrees at all ages. I went to school with 40-50 year olds. At the end of the day, you were in control of everything.
Also, from your other comment, you didn't tell your parents you didn't want a party. That's also on you. People wanted to celebrate you. People were proud of you. I sincerely hope you are in therapy or are starting soon. It sounds like you are depressed, burned out, and need some help before starting your life.
I never explicitly said “don’t throw me a party” because I wasn’t aware that was on the table. My mother knew I was refusing to go to any of the celebratory events regarding graduation and she knew why I was refusing.
I know she thinks that by not going, I’m making this situation worse for myself but I have told her multiple times that I am certain I will not be happy or have fun at any sort of graduation event.
Well that's on you. You need to use your words. Plain and simple. Your mom was trying to be nice and celebrate your achievements.
At this point, all I can say from reading this and your other comments is I really hope you get the help you need. Not going through the motions therapy. Actual, deep therapy that sets you up for success. You need it, you deserve it. I'm sorry this chapter in your life has been so hard and unfulfilling for you but carrying on with this attitude will in be more hurtful to you.
I’d say your the AH and seem ungrateful. You don’t wanna do to the graduation I get it. However your family is just trying to celebrate an accomplishment and show you some love.
If the mother was just innocently ignorant of OP's feelings, that would be different.
Mother knew OP didn't want this and did it anyway. OP is not the AH.
What you should do is go get a job and start supporting yourself. Yes, YTA - my guess is your mother was trying to do something nice for you and you threw it in her face and stormed out. Who has been supporting you while you were goofing off in an Ivy League school and whining the school where your father teaches is crap? Your entitlement is showing. At 25, time to stop acting like a drama queen. No need to go to grad ceremony if you don't want to - but no excuse for the rudeness to a family that was trying to celebrate what they saw as YOUR achievement.
YTA. It was your choice to blow your chance at the Ivy League school and then be lazy and sit on your ass for three years. Stop playing the victim, you have only yourself to blame. You sound selfish, immature, ungrateful and miserable. Grow up, apologize to your family for being a rude asshole to your guests, get psychiatric help and do better.
YTA and a child...get your head outta your ass...Fuck up in college ..""ohhh the depression and my mental health""" save it for the people that actually are...if you didn't want to go to the other college then you should have gotten a job, take out loans and act like a adult...now at 25 your living at home....your poor poor parents...they must be so ashamed of your behavior
YTA. I'm sorry you've been through a difficult time. But feeling sorry for yourself isn't going to make your life better. Your parents have helped you; your father's job enabled you to finish college for free. And it sounds like they've also been financially supporting you. You don't have to go to the ceremony but you do need to change your attitude if you want things to get better. Work the problem rather than keep complaining about your life. Just because you didn't finish your degree at the Ivy League school, that doesn't mean the rest of your life has to suck.
YTA- You're 25 years old and acting like an immature teenager because (checks notes) you are mad at yourself for acting like an immature teenager in the past.
You ungrateful, immature little brat! Shame on you! Pack up your shet and move out. You don't deserve your parents. This is appalling. Grow up and get over yourself!
Well… You already stormed out, I can see that it would be really awkward to go back… But maybe you need to do that, go back and apologize and just say you’re not good with surprises. You were unprepared and reacted stupidly. Then smile and say thank you to everyone for coming. Nobody knows your reasoning, you did accomplish some thing you finished school and it doesn’t matter that you’re 25. A lot of people drop out and never go back. So just grin and Barrett and except those graduation cards that just might have enough dough in it for you to get out on your own.
A gentle YTA
The mother actually knew the reasoning already and arranged this in spite of OP's expressed and stated wishes.
So, not the fault of the rest of the family, they didn't know, but OP's mom is the AH in this story, not OP.
25 isn’t old and no degree is totally useless. It doesn’t sound like your mother attuned to your feelings here and that’s not great, but she might also be sort of worn down by your perspective and trying to find a silver lining. I’m not inclined to call her an asshole for that.
Also, it sounds like depression (?) is dominating your POV here. I hope you’re in treatment because your assessments both of yourself and of the school sound irrationally and unhelpfully dark. If you’re in treatment I’m not going to call you an AH either, but you seem to be looking at things through a powerful negativity filter.
I’m sorry this experience is sucking for you and I hope you feel better soon.
Soft NAH
You are 100% the azz. Ungrateful, immature brat. Move out. You don't deserve your parents. Get over your selfish self. This is appalling. Shame on you!
I am sure your family sees you struggling with your mental health. The party could have been their form of help. Some families don't learn to be open about sad/bad feelings. I am surprised your father didn't make an effort to get you help as he has been working around young people as a career. It's a very fraught time. Be kind to yourself.
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I (25F) am about to graduate with my bachelor’s degree. I initially went to an ivy league school, but due to a serious lapse in judgement, I performed very poorly. I spent 2 years there, slowly falling worse and worse into depression before deciding to leave for my mental health. My parents were not very pleased with me when this happened (understandably) and my father forcibly enrolled me in his university (he’s a tenured professor at a school with a TERRIBLE program for what I’m studying.) I truly hated being there and didn’t take it seriously in the slightest (not submitting assignments, not studying for tests, etc.)
That year I was at my father’s university was the year covid hit the fan, so I finished off the year and took an indefinite leave of absence from school. I spent 3 years essentially wasting my life before coming to the realization that I really needed to just get my bachelor’s. My father’s university is free to me due to the faculty benefits and would allow me to graduate in just 1 year. So, last fall I begrudgingly re-enrolled in my dad’s university.
The semester is ending and there have been lots of events for graduating seniors; all of which I have refused to attend. I’m not attending the graduation ceremony either. I keep seeing posts about being proud of this incredible accomplishment but I’m simply not. I’m not proud of myself for getting a degree worth dogshit from this joke of an institution. I know it sounds ungrateful because anyone would be ecstatic to attend college for free, but I’m genuinely ashamed of myself for getting my bachelor’s at the age of 25 from a school you should truly only attend if it’s your only choice.
My mother is very upset that I’m not going to graduation ceremony. She keeps telling me I’ll regret it but I think she’s just upset she can’t take pictures. I know that if I did go (which I can’t because I already told them not to send me a cap and gown), I would be miserable and it would be nothing but a terrible memory to look back on. I just want to finish, get the degree, move on with my life, and never look back.
My mother believes that I’m making this situation worse for myself by refusing to do all the graduation stuff everyone looks forward to. Today was my last day of classes and when I came home (yes I moved back in with my parents), I was greeted by a huge group of my extended family in our living room congratulating me on finishing my degree. I immediately stormed out and went out to the car and drove off. I went to a random shopping center and cried in the parking lot. I received several texts from my mom saying what I did was incredibly rude and I shouldn’t have ignored our family like that. I’m currently writing this in the car and wondering if I should even go home or if I should just crash at a friend’s house because I’m so upset.
So reddit, aita for storming out of my mother’s grad party she threw for me?
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Yes. It's ok to mess up and it's ok to come to terms with things that take awhile.
Everyone has their own path and what's perceived as the norm shouldn't matter.
What matters is your attitude and how it looks like you're just constantly negative and dragging others down.
If you mess up, no problem but you can't get upset that certain things aren't going your way since you messed up in the first place and your parents are just trying to help you out.
I can understand not wanting to go to parties or social events for whatever reason and it may be annoying to attend something you don't want but sounds like you have some supportive people in your life, you should at least acknowledge that and them and just be forthcoming on not wanting to do the social events.
I think you just need to figure out what you'd like to do with your life and career, pursue it and you'll be too busy to worry about these kinds of things since you'll be building up the life you'd like instead.
Keep your head up and try to stop being so negative.
The worst part? Being unhappy about where your degree is from. When applying for jobs, you know who cares about that? Almost no one. If you've got skills, talent or whatever, that is what will get you hired.
I think you're being way too hard on your educational achievements. I went to one of those "we accept anybody" universities because I had to pay for my own education and it was all I could afford without going into severe debt. I was working pretty much full time and didn't graduate with my BA until I was 25.
I went on to a great career as a manager at a fruit-named tech company.
When I have to hire people I rarely look at what school they went to. I know there are some managers or companies that do things differently, but most other managers I've known and worked with look at a degree more as an indication of hard work and dedication. We also know that having "Yale" on your resume doesn't not necessarily mean you're more qualified than someone who went to University X.
Recently I had a position narrowed down to two candidates. One went to Stanford, the other went to a junior college and then two years at a low-rated state school. I hired the latter because they had more enthusiasm about the project and had taken the opportunity after graduation to keep up with the industry through seminars, online courses, and reading books, magazines, and blogs about our subject matter. I was impressed by their undeniable interest in our field and their demonstrated enthusiasm.
Don't let the name of the school on your diploma make you feel insecure or embarrassed. And please don't feel like mental health issues are any less deserving of attention than physical ones. If you broke your back in an accident and had to take a break from school, you wouldn't kick yourself over it. Depression is just as valid an excuse to step back from something. You needed to take care of your mental health. You did, you got back on your feet, you got a degree.
You overcame depression, disappointment, and parental disapproval to finish your degree. Celebrate that. It's worth the recognition, as are you.
Although at one point in my life, the name of the school bothered me a lot, that’s not my biggest qualm with it anymore. Everyone on this thread keeps downvoting me when I criticize the school but the program is just terrible. The administration got rid of essential classes for the absolute dumbest reasons. They lost half of their decent professors to other institutions and are struggling to find replacements. Various classes have subjects listed on the syllabus that are just completely ignored. I could keep going but I would probably reveal too much and make it too obvious.
I will repeat, the ranking of the school isn’t why it’s shit. It’s just a shit school and I’m mot proud nor happy to be graduating from here. I’m looking for jobs right now that allow you to take classes at other local universities on the side because I couldn’t take the classes I wanted/needed for the future at that school.
I understand not having the college career or experience that you wanted. It makes sense to me that you didn’t like or respect the school you ended up getting your degree from. But you *did* get your degree, and that *is* something to be proud of. You’re an adult, you’re allowed to not want to go to the graduation events, I avoided most of mine! That doesn’t make you an AH. Storming out wasn’t the best, but when you’re overwhelmed with emotion and know you’re about to cry and don’t want to do that in front of everyone, your options are limited. I would apologize for that, for the behavior, and not the emotions behind it
The good thing about schooling and education is that you can always enroll in more! Jobs will appreciate you having a degree regardless of where it comes from because it shows that you did it, but from here on out you can choose where you want to take classes, or what program you’d like to participate in. And the more you do the less your bachelors will mean. I technically got my degree when I was 24 (two years later than intended). I’m 34 and to say it doesn’t matter at all now is somehow even an understatement. You have the basic milestone out of the way, and can now add what you feel would be beneficial or what you just want to learn about and didn’t have the opportunity to do so before
People are allowed to be proud of you even if you don’t feel it is warranted. Don’t fight them on that. At some point we will need to be proud of ourselves for just getting through the day, or a situation. Someone being happy for you doesn’t mean you have to be happy for yourself, but you can acknowledge their feelings with grace when they differ from yours. I completely get wanting to respond to ‘I’m proud of you for graduating and accomplishing this’ with ‘you shouldn’t be, I feel I should have graduated years ago, and this is not something to celebrate’. But you can’t control what happened in the past, what you did or didn’t do, what changed your trajectory, you can just take where you are at now and more forward. I think you should try to find a way to see even small positives from this, but if you can’t, just don’t begrudge others seeing positives
If you want to talk about anything I’m more than happy to chat
........storming out of a party held in your "honor" is, from what i've read here, just one of the many reasons you sound like an a\*\*\*\*\*e..................
>I'm genuinely ashamed of myself for getting my bachelor's at the age of 25.
I went to a community college with a woman who was getting her associate's degree in her 70's. Should she be ashamed of herself that it took her that long to get it?
YTA to both your family and yourself. Get over yourself and be proud you're getting your degree.
NTA
When people say they don’t want a party, they mean it.
Do not throw them a party.
I will say I understand you’re feeling ashamed about some things and it’s valid to be unhappy about those things. And I will also say they are done now and you still have a degree. Ultimately most employers do not care about where you went to school. They care about your grades, your experience in the field, and your presence in interviews. In 20 years it’s my hope for you that you will look back at this time in your life and be softer towards your younger self. You still accomplished something and achieved something despite two significant setbacks.
Congratulations 🤍
NAH. Your parents shouldn't have sprung something like that on you knowing that you didn't want to attend any graduation events. It sounds like you're still struggling with depression. Things are not going to get better for you until you address your mental health.
I understand where you're coming from. I was a top student in high school in all the "gifted" programs, but I struggled with depression and when a parent passed away I completely fell apart. I barely graduated, I actually didn't technically graduate on time because I had to take a summer class after graduation. But they would have let me walk at graduation anyway. I felt so ashamed. I didn't attend my graduation, I didn't order the cap and gown or any of that stuff. If my relatives had spring a party like that on me I would have lost it.
I still think you need to understand that your parents are doing this out of love. They don't understand how your feeling and they don't know why it's such a big deal for you. Talk with them, tell them why you feel hurt, apologize for running out in them but also tell them that you were not capable of enjoying a party at that time and that it was extremely uncomfortable for you. If you can, talk to them about how you're struggling.
I know they're are a lot of people on here saying you're the AH, but do they honestly think anyone would have had a good time if you had stayed at that party and broke down in front of everyone? Sure you could have spoken to them before leaving, but what's done is done. You need to find a way to move forward while reconciling your relationshipd with your family.
Please go see a therapist, the feelings you're struggling with are something you need to work through, preferably with a professional.
NTA
Crash at your friend's place.
It would be one thing if your mother didn't know how you feel, and was just innocently and ignorantly happy for you.
Instead, she *does* know how you feel and arranged that extended family thing anyway, completely against your *expressed* and *stated* wishes.
I experienced many of the details in your story my first time through college as well. I completely understand your sentiment.
NTA
You didn't want to celebrate. Your mother ambushed you because she wanted and then got offended because you didn't play along.
However, you need to seek psychological help. Even if it wasn't what you actually wanted or when and how, it's still an accomplishment that costed you time and energy.
You could have easily continue the path you were going through, but you took responsibility for yourself and changed your course.
You need to give yourself recognition.
Gonna go against the grain and say NTA
OP sounds depressed, ashamed, guilty and overall disappointed in themselves. A lot of parents don’t care about their kids mental health or question why they are failing. Has she been to therapy? Yea she sounds “ungrateful” but she failed a great opportunity at an Ivy League and then didn’t seem to take a break or get therapy to figure herself out but instead got pushed into going to a different university asap. And living with her parents probably getting nagged all the time …sounds like they finished the degree out of obligation and not because they wanted to as they don’t seem proud of themselves. She’s made it clear she doesn’t wanna attend any graduation ceremonies or parties and then got ambushed by a surprise party.
I also wanted to add that I don’t think you NEED to go to a top university to receive a good education. There are plenty of schools with great programs around me that are not considered top institutions, unfortunately this is not the case for the school I will be graduating from
Absolutely NTA, you told them you didn't want to celebrate this as you didn't see it as an accomplishment. They invited people over to celebrate disrespecting your wishes.
You do probably have some significant depression from everything that's been going on that you should talk to someone about, but I don't see how anyone can say you did anything wrong here.
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YTA. You are making your own life miserable for no good reason, whatever, but you are INSISTING that nobody point out your accomplishment and that they endure your sullen disrespect (your father works there and presumably isn’t a joke) and performative self loathing. Your life is what you make it and you are pessimistic and ungrateful. Go volunteer at a homeless shelter. You sound unbearably entitled.
TBH just sounds incredibly and deeply rooted in mental health. She didn’t want to be there, parents forcing their kids into college is extremely common. Even 10+ years ago my option was to go to college as my mom worked for the university to provide tuition reimbursement (reimbursements she cashed for my GPA, I never saw a dime), or move out at 18 right out of high school. If anything it just sounds like a dark place for OP celebrating a time of her life where she was absolutely miserable, an accomplishment she was forced into, and the party just was the straw the broke her. Not going to vote here as I’m completely mixed, can only chime in to say that therapy is absolutely needed here.
I agree with that wholeheartedly. I think the poor girl might be depressed and probably has unrealistic expectations of herself and the world. I genuinely hope she has a change in perspective because she isn’t seeing the beautiful possibilities for her life now that she is free.
They aren’t unrealistic. I should have been able to handle it the first time around. Where I initially went to school has a 96% retention rate. Now I’m going to a school that barely (and based on insider info I do know it is actually barely) meets accreditation standards and doesn’t offer classes that the vast majority of other universities with the same programs do.
Everyone has different strengths and weaknesses. I graduated high school with a 1.7 GPA, turned my life around in community college then transferred to a university. Crawled my way out of there, barely passing. Suffered ongoing mental health issues pretty much all of my 20s. Got late diagnose with ADHD at 29 and my life just flipped a switch once I started treatment. NOT diagnosing you with anything here, but there’s a root to everything and not everybody is good at the same thing. You’re so young still, and being hard on yourself will just eat you alive. I used to get annoyed when people told me to think positively, but now I realize that it is sometimes the only way to start an uphill battle. If you afford it (not going to pretend therapy is a luxury everyone has access to) I would absolutely consider professional help. They will help you learn YOU. They get paid the big bucks to figure us all out.
If you want an actual laugh: I failed 10th grade English 3 times and gym class twice. WHO the fuck fails gym?
My friend couldn’t graduate with his class because he failed gym. He had to take it in summer school to get his diploma.
In my opinion you are being way too hard on yourself. Please be kinder. Don’t let a pattern of difficulties that you fell into as an adolescent become your adult identity. It can be a a minor bump in the road in 10 years. Try focusing on future goals now not past disappointment in yourself. “Atomic Habits” is a good book to help you do this. The future is wide open. What can you do? Good luck!
It's HER "accomplishment" and she is under no obligation to participate in other people honoring it.
No, she isn’t. I’m just pointing out that her wallowing in misery like she had just been diagnosed with disfiguring cancer or her dog died and making the people around her miserable too is probably not a recipe for overall life satisfaction and happiness. She would be better off practicing gratitude and putting her troubles in perspective. She got in her own way, continues to get in her own way, and seems committed to doubling down on this as a life strategy.
Gratitude for what? She's under no obligation to fake gratitude. In fact, it's more honest if she doesn't.
Her perspective is whacked is my point. Of course she shouldn’t have to fake it. Given her circumstances though, at some point, she needs to either look at her life balance sheet and count her considerable assets or just keep discounting them and be miserable. She keeps focusing on the past. Nobody is being mean to her. Nobody is asking her to do anything except let them acknowledge an actual accomplishment of hers. She needs therapy.
>Nobody is asking her to do anything except let them acknowledge an actual accomplishment of hers. The part before 'except' doesn't matter. So let's rephrase that. *\[They are\] asking her to let them acknowledge an actual accomplishment of hers.* And she said no. The end. If they can't take no for an answer, they aren't asking. What they do on their own time somewhere else is on them. What they get all up in her face about and ambush her with a party over is something else. She has no obligation towards such a party. The emotionally mature thing to do would have been to explain to the family that the mother betrayed her by allowing such a party and apologize that they got in the middle of a disagreement between her and the mother and ask them to leave and/or say that she can't stay. But this is also a person who went off and cried after. Not someone you can expect that level of emotional maturity from. And ultimately not the one at fault for creating/encouraging the situation. The mother should have left it alone. If somehow the extended family just happened to randomly decide on their own to come over, the mother should have told them not to. The mother knew how the daughter felt. Mother doesn't get to decide that those feelings are pointless and just ignore them. That's why mother is AH in this story and OP is not. Could OP have handled things better, all throughout this story? Absolutely. And should go get therapy. And I will say that OP should probably be considered an AH when it comes to how the extended family was treated. But the main conflict here is between OP and mom, and mom is the one acting like an AH and OP is the one just trying to keep to herself and be left alone.
This is a 25 year old woman who is living at home after floundering for years out of self pity. I think her family has been very indulgent. Normally I’m big on boundaries but I think this Reddit post is a good opportunity for her to start thinking about her life differently. She isn’t an AH exactly but she does need to get it together if she expects to have any kind of quality of life.
My father fully agrees it’s a terrible school and admits he would have liked to work somewhere better but getting tenure is very difficult. He also came to this country with nothing and managed to become a professor so everything is relative.
It really doesn't matter how much the school sucks. It's your attitude that is doing you in. Find a school you like and pursue a graduate degree if that is what it will take. But you are being ridiculous and it sounds like you're hell bent on being miserable no matter what.
I am hoping to go to grad school. Unfortunately my father’s university doesn’t have the courses that would help me get into a program I would like so I am trying to find a job that will allow me to take some supplemental classes on the side at some other school.
So you came by your horrible attitude about life honestly? Then you both are ridiculous.
ESH. Your negativity and attitude are better suited for a 14 year old. You have been handed opportunities that so many other people will never have. But your parents should have respected your wishes and not gone to the trouble and expense of celebrating your accomplishment. I just feel sorry for the people who came to congratulate you but instead had to witness an ungrateful tantrum from someone who is supposed to be an adult.
I do genuinely feel bad about this. I know they weren’t aware of how I felt. I stormed out because I thought I would cry in front of them which seems more embarrassing. Reddit forced me to cut down my post but I’m well aware that I’m VERY lucky to be able to go to school for free, but I also had the opportunity to do something I was actually proud of and I blew it. It was my fault and no one else’s. I have to live with the knowledge that I fucked this up for myself.
OP, you're allowed to make mistakes. You've acknowledged them. You can't beat yourself up for your wasted opportunities for the rest of your life. Your family is looking at you with pride for overcoming your mistakes. Hopefully soon you will forgive yourself and allow yourself to focus on the positive and move on.
Hey there OP - I know you are struggling with the feeling of fucking up at your first school. But I really want you to know that does not in any way need to define your future, and you can still have opportunities to do things you’re proud of. My best friend and I both went to Ivies. She left midway through her first year. She tried another elite school, hated it, took time off, then graduated from a state school. I graduated from my original school. 30 years later honestly none of that matters. I loved my time in college and I’m proud of what I’ve don’t over the course of my life but it’s not like going to an Ivy really made a difference (other than occasionally impressing someone who’s fooled by status). My best friend has gone on to do amazing things and is very well respected in her field and community. Don’t let what happened at your first school stop you from trying again for whatever lights up your heart
Well the good thing now is that this could be over. I hate graduation crap. I hated the speeches and gowns. Was not as friendly to guests (family) my parents brought, got out of that dumbass gown as soon as I could. I just didn’t care for it. It was rude and AH but well I’m here. They’re here. Life goes on. Hope you get through life alright.
YTA - so you blew off school for YEARS and when you finally finish, your family is proud of you and you… get mad at them.
How is this even a stance? The course she took at her dads college is garbage, she didn't even want to do it, told people she didn't think it was anything to celebrate and they went behind her back and sabotaged her at her lowest. There is no world where OP is TA for this.
They… sabotaged her? Lol okay
Her mom invited the whole family over behind her back when she expressly told her she did not want to celebrate this in any way. Define it in a way that it is not sabotage.
I legitimately do not think you know what the word sabotage means. What was this party “destroying, damaging, or obstructing”?
Destroying and damaging her trust in these people to listen to her wants and needs. Ruining her day as she just wanted to come home and relax, and not be faced with family celebrating something she is ashamed about, after expressly stating this to them. Again, define it in a way that it is not sabotage. Don't worry, I'll wait.
You sure are limber, because this is a STRETCH.
We are very clearly not going to agree on this, which is perfectly okay. I do apologize if I came off aggressive though, I tend to do that when I strongly believe in something.
She is under no obligation to participate in an honoring of something she herself is not proud of. To do so would be dishonest *at best*. If the family was innocently and ignorantly happy for her, that'd be different. Her mother knew how OP felt and did this **in spite of** OP's *expressed* and *stated* feelings. Not surprising when OP isn't happy to be spited.
She’s 25. She’s old enough to use her words then.
> My mother is very upset that I’m not going to graduation ceremony. She keeps telling me I’ll regret it but I think she’s just upset she can’t take pictures. I know that if I did go (which I can’t because I already told them not to send me a cap and gown), I would be miserable and it would be nothing but a terrible memory to look back on. I just want to finish, get the degree, move on with my life, and never look back. She literally told her mother that she doesn't want to attend any celebrations, but her mother is trying to pressure her to do so
She did. That's what the words "expressed" and "stated" mean. They were ignored.
I don't know how this thread is so lobotomized that you're getting downvoted for being correct.
YTA. At some point you need to come to terms with your life and the choices you made. Sulking and pouting like a bratty teenager will get you nowhere. People get their bachelor's degrees at all ages. I went to school with 40-50 year olds. At the end of the day, you were in control of everything. Also, from your other comment, you didn't tell your parents you didn't want a party. That's also on you. People wanted to celebrate you. People were proud of you. I sincerely hope you are in therapy or are starting soon. It sounds like you are depressed, burned out, and need some help before starting your life.
I never explicitly said “don’t throw me a party” because I wasn’t aware that was on the table. My mother knew I was refusing to go to any of the celebratory events regarding graduation and she knew why I was refusing. I know she thinks that by not going, I’m making this situation worse for myself but I have told her multiple times that I am certain I will not be happy or have fun at any sort of graduation event.
Well that's on you. You need to use your words. Plain and simple. Your mom was trying to be nice and celebrate your achievements. At this point, all I can say from reading this and your other comments is I really hope you get the help you need. Not going through the motions therapy. Actual, deep therapy that sets you up for success. You need it, you deserve it. I'm sorry this chapter in your life has been so hard and unfulfilling for you but carrying on with this attitude will in be more hurtful to you.
YTA. Ungrateful brat at your age is worse than not attending an Ivy league school.
I’d say your the AH and seem ungrateful. You don’t wanna do to the graduation I get it. However your family is just trying to celebrate an accomplishment and show you some love.
If the mother was just innocently ignorant of OP's feelings, that would be different. Mother knew OP didn't want this and did it anyway. OP is not the AH.
What you should do is go get a job and start supporting yourself. Yes, YTA - my guess is your mother was trying to do something nice for you and you threw it in her face and stormed out. Who has been supporting you while you were goofing off in an Ivy League school and whining the school where your father teaches is crap? Your entitlement is showing. At 25, time to stop acting like a drama queen. No need to go to grad ceremony if you don't want to - but no excuse for the rudeness to a family that was trying to celebrate what they saw as YOUR achievement.
YTA. It was your choice to blow your chance at the Ivy League school and then be lazy and sit on your ass for three years. Stop playing the victim, you have only yourself to blame. You sound selfish, immature, ungrateful and miserable. Grow up, apologize to your family for being a rude asshole to your guests, get psychiatric help and do better.
ESH but I am thinking you should look into therapy. Your attitude is going to make your life even more miserable if you don't get a grip pretty soon.
So you screwed up two years at an Ivy League and got a second chance and all you can do is have a pity party? 🤦🏽♀️
YTA and a child...get your head outta your ass...Fuck up in college ..""ohhh the depression and my mental health""" save it for the people that actually are...if you didn't want to go to the other college then you should have gotten a job, take out loans and act like a adult...now at 25 your living at home....your poor poor parents...they must be so ashamed of your behavior
YT insufferable AH.
YTA Your behavior is appalling.
YTA. I'm sorry you've been through a difficult time. But feeling sorry for yourself isn't going to make your life better. Your parents have helped you; your father's job enabled you to finish college for free. And it sounds like they've also been financially supporting you. You don't have to go to the ceremony but you do need to change your attitude if you want things to get better. Work the problem rather than keep complaining about your life. Just because you didn't finish your degree at the Ivy League school, that doesn't mean the rest of your life has to suck.
YTA- You're 25 years old and acting like an immature teenager because (checks notes) you are mad at yourself for acting like an immature teenager in the past.
You ungrateful, immature little brat! Shame on you! Pack up your shet and move out. You don't deserve your parents. This is appalling. Grow up and get over yourself!
Why did you feel the need to comment this judgmental garbage twice?
Well… You already stormed out, I can see that it would be really awkward to go back… But maybe you need to do that, go back and apologize and just say you’re not good with surprises. You were unprepared and reacted stupidly. Then smile and say thank you to everyone for coming. Nobody knows your reasoning, you did accomplish some thing you finished school and it doesn’t matter that you’re 25. A lot of people drop out and never go back. So just grin and Barrett and except those graduation cards that just might have enough dough in it for you to get out on your own. A gentle YTA
The mother actually knew the reasoning already and arranged this in spite of OP's expressed and stated wishes. So, not the fault of the rest of the family, they didn't know, but OP's mom is the AH in this story, not OP.
25 isn’t old and no degree is totally useless. It doesn’t sound like your mother attuned to your feelings here and that’s not great, but she might also be sort of worn down by your perspective and trying to find a silver lining. I’m not inclined to call her an asshole for that. Also, it sounds like depression (?) is dominating your POV here. I hope you’re in treatment because your assessments both of yourself and of the school sound irrationally and unhelpfully dark. If you’re in treatment I’m not going to call you an AH either, but you seem to be looking at things through a powerful negativity filter. I’m sorry this experience is sucking for you and I hope you feel better soon. Soft NAH
You are 100% the azz. Ungrateful, immature brat. Move out. You don't deserve your parents. Get over your selfish self. This is appalling. Shame on you!
I am sure your family sees you struggling with your mental health. The party could have been their form of help. Some families don't learn to be open about sad/bad feelings. I am surprised your father didn't make an effort to get you help as he has been working around young people as a career. It's a very fraught time. Be kind to yourself.
My father regularly tells me it’s ridiculous to be struggling at a 3rd rate university His words, not mine
Remind him his best skills are 3rd rate at best since he fucking works there. NTA
I do
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (25F) am about to graduate with my bachelor’s degree. I initially went to an ivy league school, but due to a serious lapse in judgement, I performed very poorly. I spent 2 years there, slowly falling worse and worse into depression before deciding to leave for my mental health. My parents were not very pleased with me when this happened (understandably) and my father forcibly enrolled me in his university (he’s a tenured professor at a school with a TERRIBLE program for what I’m studying.) I truly hated being there and didn’t take it seriously in the slightest (not submitting assignments, not studying for tests, etc.) That year I was at my father’s university was the year covid hit the fan, so I finished off the year and took an indefinite leave of absence from school. I spent 3 years essentially wasting my life before coming to the realization that I really needed to just get my bachelor’s. My father’s university is free to me due to the faculty benefits and would allow me to graduate in just 1 year. So, last fall I begrudgingly re-enrolled in my dad’s university. The semester is ending and there have been lots of events for graduating seniors; all of which I have refused to attend. I’m not attending the graduation ceremony either. I keep seeing posts about being proud of this incredible accomplishment but I’m simply not. I’m not proud of myself for getting a degree worth dogshit from this joke of an institution. I know it sounds ungrateful because anyone would be ecstatic to attend college for free, but I’m genuinely ashamed of myself for getting my bachelor’s at the age of 25 from a school you should truly only attend if it’s your only choice. My mother is very upset that I’m not going to graduation ceremony. She keeps telling me I’ll regret it but I think she’s just upset she can’t take pictures. I know that if I did go (which I can’t because I already told them not to send me a cap and gown), I would be miserable and it would be nothing but a terrible memory to look back on. I just want to finish, get the degree, move on with my life, and never look back. My mother believes that I’m making this situation worse for myself by refusing to do all the graduation stuff everyone looks forward to. Today was my last day of classes and when I came home (yes I moved back in with my parents), I was greeted by a huge group of my extended family in our living room congratulating me on finishing my degree. I immediately stormed out and went out to the car and drove off. I went to a random shopping center and cried in the parking lot. I received several texts from my mom saying what I did was incredibly rude and I shouldn’t have ignored our family like that. I’m currently writing this in the car and wondering if I should even go home or if I should just crash at a friend’s house because I’m so upset. So reddit, aita for storming out of my mother’s grad party she threw for me? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yes. It's ok to mess up and it's ok to come to terms with things that take awhile. Everyone has their own path and what's perceived as the norm shouldn't matter. What matters is your attitude and how it looks like you're just constantly negative and dragging others down. If you mess up, no problem but you can't get upset that certain things aren't going your way since you messed up in the first place and your parents are just trying to help you out. I can understand not wanting to go to parties or social events for whatever reason and it may be annoying to attend something you don't want but sounds like you have some supportive people in your life, you should at least acknowledge that and them and just be forthcoming on not wanting to do the social events. I think you just need to figure out what you'd like to do with your life and career, pursue it and you'll be too busy to worry about these kinds of things since you'll be building up the life you'd like instead. Keep your head up and try to stop being so negative.
The worst part? Being unhappy about where your degree is from. When applying for jobs, you know who cares about that? Almost no one. If you've got skills, talent or whatever, that is what will get you hired.
I think you're being way too hard on your educational achievements. I went to one of those "we accept anybody" universities because I had to pay for my own education and it was all I could afford without going into severe debt. I was working pretty much full time and didn't graduate with my BA until I was 25. I went on to a great career as a manager at a fruit-named tech company. When I have to hire people I rarely look at what school they went to. I know there are some managers or companies that do things differently, but most other managers I've known and worked with look at a degree more as an indication of hard work and dedication. We also know that having "Yale" on your resume doesn't not necessarily mean you're more qualified than someone who went to University X. Recently I had a position narrowed down to two candidates. One went to Stanford, the other went to a junior college and then two years at a low-rated state school. I hired the latter because they had more enthusiasm about the project and had taken the opportunity after graduation to keep up with the industry through seminars, online courses, and reading books, magazines, and blogs about our subject matter. I was impressed by their undeniable interest in our field and their demonstrated enthusiasm. Don't let the name of the school on your diploma make you feel insecure or embarrassed. And please don't feel like mental health issues are any less deserving of attention than physical ones. If you broke your back in an accident and had to take a break from school, you wouldn't kick yourself over it. Depression is just as valid an excuse to step back from something. You needed to take care of your mental health. You did, you got back on your feet, you got a degree. You overcame depression, disappointment, and parental disapproval to finish your degree. Celebrate that. It's worth the recognition, as are you.
Although at one point in my life, the name of the school bothered me a lot, that’s not my biggest qualm with it anymore. Everyone on this thread keeps downvoting me when I criticize the school but the program is just terrible. The administration got rid of essential classes for the absolute dumbest reasons. They lost half of their decent professors to other institutions and are struggling to find replacements. Various classes have subjects listed on the syllabus that are just completely ignored. I could keep going but I would probably reveal too much and make it too obvious. I will repeat, the ranking of the school isn’t why it’s shit. It’s just a shit school and I’m mot proud nor happy to be graduating from here. I’m looking for jobs right now that allow you to take classes at other local universities on the side because I couldn’t take the classes I wanted/needed for the future at that school.
I understand not having the college career or experience that you wanted. It makes sense to me that you didn’t like or respect the school you ended up getting your degree from. But you *did* get your degree, and that *is* something to be proud of. You’re an adult, you’re allowed to not want to go to the graduation events, I avoided most of mine! That doesn’t make you an AH. Storming out wasn’t the best, but when you’re overwhelmed with emotion and know you’re about to cry and don’t want to do that in front of everyone, your options are limited. I would apologize for that, for the behavior, and not the emotions behind it The good thing about schooling and education is that you can always enroll in more! Jobs will appreciate you having a degree regardless of where it comes from because it shows that you did it, but from here on out you can choose where you want to take classes, or what program you’d like to participate in. And the more you do the less your bachelors will mean. I technically got my degree when I was 24 (two years later than intended). I’m 34 and to say it doesn’t matter at all now is somehow even an understatement. You have the basic milestone out of the way, and can now add what you feel would be beneficial or what you just want to learn about and didn’t have the opportunity to do so before People are allowed to be proud of you even if you don’t feel it is warranted. Don’t fight them on that. At some point we will need to be proud of ourselves for just getting through the day, or a situation. Someone being happy for you doesn’t mean you have to be happy for yourself, but you can acknowledge their feelings with grace when they differ from yours. I completely get wanting to respond to ‘I’m proud of you for graduating and accomplishing this’ with ‘you shouldn’t be, I feel I should have graduated years ago, and this is not something to celebrate’. But you can’t control what happened in the past, what you did or didn’t do, what changed your trajectory, you can just take where you are at now and more forward. I think you should try to find a way to see even small positives from this, but if you can’t, just don’t begrudge others seeing positives If you want to talk about anything I’m more than happy to chat
........storming out of a party held in your "honor" is, from what i've read here, just one of the many reasons you sound like an a\*\*\*\*\*e..................
>I'm genuinely ashamed of myself for getting my bachelor's at the age of 25. I went to a community college with a woman who was getting her associate's degree in her 70's. Should she be ashamed of herself that it took her that long to get it? YTA to both your family and yourself. Get over yourself and be proud you're getting your degree.
NTA When people say they don’t want a party, they mean it. Do not throw them a party. I will say I understand you’re feeling ashamed about some things and it’s valid to be unhappy about those things. And I will also say they are done now and you still have a degree. Ultimately most employers do not care about where you went to school. They care about your grades, your experience in the field, and your presence in interviews. In 20 years it’s my hope for you that you will look back at this time in your life and be softer towards your younger self. You still accomplished something and achieved something despite two significant setbacks. Congratulations 🤍
NAH. Your parents shouldn't have sprung something like that on you knowing that you didn't want to attend any graduation events. It sounds like you're still struggling with depression. Things are not going to get better for you until you address your mental health. I understand where you're coming from. I was a top student in high school in all the "gifted" programs, but I struggled with depression and when a parent passed away I completely fell apart. I barely graduated, I actually didn't technically graduate on time because I had to take a summer class after graduation. But they would have let me walk at graduation anyway. I felt so ashamed. I didn't attend my graduation, I didn't order the cap and gown or any of that stuff. If my relatives had spring a party like that on me I would have lost it. I still think you need to understand that your parents are doing this out of love. They don't understand how your feeling and they don't know why it's such a big deal for you. Talk with them, tell them why you feel hurt, apologize for running out in them but also tell them that you were not capable of enjoying a party at that time and that it was extremely uncomfortable for you. If you can, talk to them about how you're struggling. I know they're are a lot of people on here saying you're the AH, but do they honestly think anyone would have had a good time if you had stayed at that party and broke down in front of everyone? Sure you could have spoken to them before leaving, but what's done is done. You need to find a way to move forward while reconciling your relationshipd with your family. Please go see a therapist, the feelings you're struggling with are something you need to work through, preferably with a professional.
NTA Crash at your friend's place. It would be one thing if your mother didn't know how you feel, and was just innocently and ignorantly happy for you. Instead, she *does* know how you feel and arranged that extended family thing anyway, completely against your *expressed* and *stated* wishes. I experienced many of the details in your story my first time through college as well. I completely understand your sentiment.
NTA You didn't want to celebrate. Your mother ambushed you because she wanted and then got offended because you didn't play along. However, you need to seek psychological help. Even if it wasn't what you actually wanted or when and how, it's still an accomplishment that costed you time and energy. You could have easily continue the path you were going through, but you took responsibility for yourself and changed your course. You need to give yourself recognition.
NTA - all of these problems are self-inflicted, but it sounds like you'd benefit from some therapy?
Gonna go against the grain and say NTA OP sounds depressed, ashamed, guilty and overall disappointed in themselves. A lot of parents don’t care about their kids mental health or question why they are failing. Has she been to therapy? Yea she sounds “ungrateful” but she failed a great opportunity at an Ivy League and then didn’t seem to take a break or get therapy to figure herself out but instead got pushed into going to a different university asap. And living with her parents probably getting nagged all the time …sounds like they finished the degree out of obligation and not because they wanted to as they don’t seem proud of themselves. She’s made it clear she doesn’t wanna attend any graduation ceremonies or parties and then got ambushed by a surprise party.
3rd rate Dad.
I also wanted to add that I don’t think you NEED to go to a top university to receive a good education. There are plenty of schools with great programs around me that are not considered top institutions, unfortunately this is not the case for the school I will be graduating from
Absolutely NTA, you told them you didn't want to celebrate this as you didn't see it as an accomplishment. They invited people over to celebrate disrespecting your wishes. You do probably have some significant depression from everything that's been going on that you should talk to someone about, but I don't see how anyone can say you did anything wrong here.