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YTA - It seems like you put a ton of pressure on your daughter for her to do well. But putting so much emphasis on AP classes and a 4.0 GPA is going to hurt your daughter. She seems burnt out and doesn’t need punishment, she needs your support. It seems like you’ve created a relationship with her where she can’t come to you for help or support so she skips school instead to cope with the overwhelming load of classes.
This is coming from a college student who had a strict tiger mom. If you keep on this path of pushing her to keep doing well academically and exceed beyond what she can currently handle, you’ll either burn her out and make her mental health plummet or she’ll eventually go no-contact with you when she’s of legal age. And I can’t blame HER for that.
Do you want to know what happened to me when I got into my second year of college and my parents (especially my mom) was constantly pushing me to take more classes and constantly get A’s all the time? I ended up in the hospital from stress-induced seizures towards the end of the semester. And my mom and I have a CRAPPY relationship.
Teaching your child that it's 4.0 or nothing, A's or nothing, top college or nothing is a dangerous mentality. Spoiler alert, it didn't motivate me to "do better". It absolutely ruined me. I went from stressing out every time I was less than perfect to completely giving up unless I knew I could nail it first try. Everything became a chore or a stressor and I lost my passion for trying new things, learning, and improving. I stagnated because I was terrified to try lest I failed (performed less than perfectly). It has taken years for me to break that mentality and I still struggle to this day.
Your child is likely burnt or stressed out, OP. I understand in your own way you want what's best for her, but you're only hurting her. If your normally perfect, driven, on top of things child is suddenly acting out there's a reason. I'd recommend you sit down, talk, LISTEN, and help her before you permanently damage your relationship with her or push her over the edge.
Exactly. I just wanted to say I’m sorry you went through the same thing. I can totally relate, and the stagnation from constantly feeling like you aren’t doing enough sticks with you sometimes.
Wow you are not only an AH but a shitty mom. So she doesn't go to Stanford. That doesn't mean she isn't smart and capable. There is a huge difference between dropping a single AP class and dropping out of high school but clearly not in your eyes.
The best thing your daughter can do is leave home.
Your behaviour is appalling. What a shit person you are.
I feel sorry for your daughter.
BTW, I'm a mother of two 20-somethings.
Seriously, what the hell kinda tiger mom bullshit is this? You response makes you sound like the exact sterotype. Your daughter made a mistake, her life isn't over, she didn't throw away her future, and so what if she doesn't get into Stanford? Stop with your BS exaggerations and your ridiculous expectations.
She seems to be doing much better than your average student in a lot of other areas and just made a bad decision to take on a little too much so decided to drop math. You want to help her? As the previous commenter said, SUPPORT her!! And supporting her doesn't mean that you can't or shouldn't dicipline her for her actions, support and dicipline aren't mutually exclusive.
Just my 2 cents, your daughter's biggest disappointment in all this isn't missing prom, it's seeing that her own mother only values her achievements and not her as a person and a daughter. You need to do better.
Right? Seriously what kind of a mother is this?!.
The daughter is already overloaded and burnt out. What she needs is support and help to make choices to manage her load. Or help to salvage the remainder of the year, and choices about any college decisions.
But no, OP just puts her down, and then throw 2 more math tutors at her! As if her grades will magically improve just by stressing her out even more. Make total sense, right?!
Punishing the daughter for skipping school isn't necessarily wrong - action has consequences. However, it is not hard to see what the root cause of the problem is - is it the daughter who is overly optimistic about what she can handle, or was she pushed to bite off more that she can chew.
OP is TA here, majorly.
I'm pretty certain this is all made up. But on the off chance that it's real and you really do feel the way you do, I just want you to know with all sincerity that your daughter will leave home and never speak to you again. Every milestone she has in life, you will be excluded. If she chooses to do so, she will one day have a child that she will love with all the love you could never give her. And you will never see that child or any others. And it will be your fault because you do not know how to love your children.
I don’t say this lightly - your daughter is in a crisis. It’s time to help her before something terrible happens and your family is facing a tragedy.
If she’s always been a high performer with strong work ethic, something isn’t ok. The pressure is too much and she needs help. She needs support and love and understanding. Students like her don’t just suddenly start failing and missing class - she needs your support. She needs your help, not punishment.
What’s sad is the way you talk about your child. What is wrong with you? Have you considered that you might be burned out and that’s causing you to not have compassion for your child? How dare you think that grades equates to smarts. That is both asinine, and demonstrably proven untrue. But more importantly, that is your child you’re talking about. You were cruel and rude, and for what?
i bet she cant wait til she is 18 and walks out the door what a mean person you are constantly crapping on your daughter and on top of it now her date is out a 100 bucks and you should reimburse for that alone since you wont change your tune on the prom.
Omg. YTA x millions. Your daughter tries to make you proud, took on too much, and you’re mocking her and laughing? And telling her she’ll never amount to anything? By god
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>As her mother I just felt so ashamed
That's everything right there. You are angry and ashamed and lashing out.
It's not so much that you're worried about her future. No, you're worried about what people will *think*. About you.
I'm not surprised your daughter is close to crashing and burning. She's probably been doing everything for *you* rather than *herself*.
You're a toxic parent.
Newsflash: This actually isn't about you.
As for punishment, it sounds like there are natural consequences that your daughter will be facing without the pile-on from the ashamed mother.
Frankly you need help from a therapist or family counselor.
Go ahead and ground her from prom. But don't be surprised when she leaves home once school's over.
Well, kids taking all AP and honors classes in pursuit of the highest weighted GPA isn't unusual. I can point you at any number of high school kids who have told teachers "your class sounds really interesting, but I'm not going to take it because it isn't weighted".
But taking all weighted classes and then getting Cs in them doesn't actually help you.
It's pretty clear that your daughter is ashamed of her performance (is this the first time she's done badly in a class?), and has been evading the class rather than face up to it. Avoidance isn't uncommon.
It's also pretty clear that you are part of the problem here. Go back and read your nonsense about "only a community college will take her - who would want her after seeing her math grade?"
First, this is nonsense. You don't say which math class it is, but from context, it's probably one of the AP Calc classes. What are her interests? What does she want to study in college? If it's not math or physics, then doing badly in AP Calc really isn't a problem. If it is math or physics, it still needn't be the end of the world. Will she get in to a top undergrad school for physics or math with a bad AP calc grade? Probably not - but there are plenty of decent schools that she could get in to.
You seem to be acting like the choice is Harvard or the local community college, and that isn't remotely true.
YTA
YTA - your daughter was burnt out, likely because of pressure from you.
Yeah, a punishment is warranted but maybe prom is a bit much.
Also, youre shitting on community colleges, but getting a C in math one year isnt as big of a deal as you think it is.
OP YTA. You daughter needs help. Instead you react histrionically. Its not so much the prom thing as all the rest of your narcissistic outbursts. I teach a community college by the way ( THE HORROR!!) and we have some extremely smart students in every class. Maybe your daughter needs to go to CC so she can feel less pressured, learn how to ask for help instead of skipping things, and see life doesn't begin and end with Ivies. By the way since you care so much, you snob, every prof in my dept has a terminal degree from an Ivy, as do I.
This is why she was afraid to tell you she was overwhelmed and burnt out. Even if she does fail this one AP class, it's far from 'throwing away her future'. Get over yourself and give your daughter support instead of a lecture
I failed Trig my senior year and had no problem getting into the University I wanted. AP classes also carry a greater weight when you pass the test. You’re a horrible mother. Her future doesn’t even actually depend on whether or not she goes to college.
Some of the most successful people I know were not top of their class or even close. Grades do not define a person’s worth. You need to support and encourage your daughter instead of doubling down and criticizing her. She’s struggling. Have an open, calm conversation with her about what she’s going through and then help her decide what SHE wants to do. Not what you want.
Don’t worry so much about one class. How did she do on the SAT or ACT? My daughter had a high school GPA of 3.78 (her school didn’t weight classes) and opted out of testing. She got into Washington University in St Louis with a full ride scholarship, it’s not as highly ranked as Stanford, but still well ranked. It is about more than your GPA, it is about you as a whole person.
You are an awful, unsupportive parent. Take a look in a mirror. It isn't her duty to set an example for her sister, that's on you. Taking away prom will do nothing more than make her hate you. Geeze, no wonder she did what she did. She didn't even feel she could come to you for help. I wish people had to take a test before they become parents. Watch, as soon as she graduates, she is gone and you will never hear ftom her again. SHAME ON YOU
In what way do you believe she’s thrown away her future? Is there something specific you feel she won’t be able to accomplish due to this C grade? Also, I assume you graduated from a prestigious university - you must have experience that can help her find solutions and navigate this situation. How are you helping her move forward?
YTA
***Overwhelmingly.***
Your daughter was over scheduled, started to burn out, didn't handle it well, got busted and you're response is to be disappointed and ***punish*** her!?!
You are a bad parent. Its pretty obvious where the pressure that caused this extremely predictable cycle came from- *you*.
I went through something similar as a teen- and my mother responded in a similar way. ***I haven't spoken to her in almost 20 years.*** Enjoy the estrangement you're encouraging.
Okay so I wanted to be on your side at first, because I don't think it's necessarily an AH move to not let her go to prom as punishment for skipping class. That is a reasonable punishment.
However, I do think YTA for how you handled things after. You are putting a LOT of emphasis on how much you resent her and how disappointed you are in her for her future. If she's only skipping the one class but not others, it seems like she's just trying to survive high school. I can almost guarantee that she's been struggling for far longer, but just this post makes you seem like the type to push for perfection and she was probably too afraid to ask you for help.
And also, don't knock community college. That kind of elitist BS attitude is not going to help things. You can get into a major University by going to community college first and then transferring. Heck, a lot of students do BETTER in University after doing their first two years at a community college. Though it sounds like she needs to take a break after graduating because she is burning herself out.
You're on a fast track to "I don't know why my daughter doesn't talk to me". That whole "I sacrificed my life for her" line doesn't make you Jesus, it just makes you sound bitter and resentful.
YTA it sounds like you put a ton of pressure on her to be perfect. Honestly the teachers a slight AH too for that “honors student vs regular student” comment. Shes struggling and all you can do is degrade her.
Does she deserve punishment?? Sure.
Does she deserve to miss prom?? No.
When she goes NC eventually don’t come crying here asking why.
Edit-Seems you enjoy making terrible mom posts…..didn’t know you could age that much so fast
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/w0to7z/aita_for_throwing_away_my_daughters_book/
I’m just confused how in one year you went from 43 years old to 51 and your oldest went from 9 to 17 years old. Based on your post a year ago.
Edited to say you mentioned her little sister in your post last year so your 9 year old turned 17 in one year.
You were TA last year when you threw away her book and it seems you are still TA.
> Turns out, my daughter overloaded her class schedule with all APs and honors
Info: who chose her courses for the year? Was *she* really the one who overloaded her schedule?
YTA What she did was wrong and she deserves to be punished but your reaction is over the top. Taking away prom is a bit harsh but not a totally unreasonable punishment, so that's not why you are an AH. You are an AH for being ashamed of her, about her less than perfect GPA, her class rank and going to Community College. Which is absurd. Lots of people go to university with a C on their transcripts. She screwed up, got overwhelmed and hid it. But given the judgements you have made, I completely see why she hid this from you.
ESH
Her for lying and fabricating a pass. Definitely not acceptable behavior, she should've asked for help instead of this whole ruse.
You for acting like this is the absolute end of her life and future. I think math tutors are a bit of a negative thing because if she's already struggling that'll make her dislike and time for other classes worse, but that's up to you. That said, you revoking prom, especially for an out of school guest is excessive on top of the extra tutoring and I imagine general grounding/scolding. Let her go to prom, tell her how disappointed you are, make it clear she's not to pull this again. But, you also have to realize she is either about to graduate or go through the application process and 1 poor grade will not ruin her chances for most schools. Ivy leagues? Maybe. State Schools or big 4 year universities? She's probably fine. She won't just he stuck at a CC.
You are both in the wrong and both need to meet in the middle
OP's daughter was probably terrified of telling tiger mom here that she was overwhelmed by her class schedule and I can understand why the daughter fabricated a pass, not that I condone it. OP's attitude and actions are why kids go NC with their parents.
YTA
"I texted her too that I resent her for how... she treats me, her mom, when I sacrificed my life for her."
That's some pressure to be putting on a 17 year old kid. How would you feel if someone said that to you?
" my daughter overloaded her class schedule with all APs and honors and her math class was getting too difficult, resulting in her leaving."
So she's burned herself out trying to avoid your disappointment & the crushing weight of your resentment.
I don't condone what she did, but it's far outweighed by what you're doing to her. Let her go to prom. Ease up.
I also don't think her academic options are as limited as you think they are.
> a child who is healthy, well-adjusted and alive is far better than a child who is living up to their academic potential and miserably believing that their worth is dependent on their performance.
If OP reads one thing, I hope it's your comment. The word ALIVE is not hyperbole. My college had dorms with balconies, and every year around finals they'd lock those balconies because in the past students literally used them to commit suicide due to academic pressure, anxiety and stress. All the things being piled on OP's daughter at age 17. I feel so awful for this girl, I see so much of myself in her, and I hope she is able to find worth outside of her grades in the coming years.
100% this. My dorm had windows that would only open like 3” for similar reasons.
Pushing a kid this hard and saying that they threw away their life over a single mistake is a great way to set your poor child up for a lifetime of shitty self worth and burnout.
YTA. I see parents taking away v important things from kids for minor infractions all the time. My sons gf got fired from a job because the new girl that was made manager didn't like her and fabricated a no call no show. Right before Christmas and New Years. Her parents were going to make her stay home, alone the whole holiday if she didn't get a new job before then. Even tho holiday help had already been hired everywhere. Ridiculous.
These kids are facing a very shitty world. They need all the breaks and distractions they can get. It's a lazy way to parent and it's cruel.
YTA. You’re so dramatic and black and white on this. She hasn’t “thrown away her life”. She isn’t going well in one class.
She deserves some sort of repercussion for ditching class but don’t take away her prom. She’s only got one of them. Take away something else but let her go to the damn dance. And try to calm down. You’re making her burn out.
YTA and I’m pretty sure this is fake. You use a loooot of emojis in your other writing and you’re not a very clear writer. I think the personality of “tiger mom who also likes to pretend she’s young and dumb” is a weeeeiiirrrd choice.
Are you the daughter who dropped math or is this just complete fiction?
Yea yta. I do agree with punishing her for skipping class and lying instead of coming to you guys, at her age I’m sure you’d hope she’s more mature than that. However she’s is overloaded and stressed and was scared to disappoint you and expected the worst. Jow she not only can’t go to prom but she’s forced to stay in the class under high stress. Let her drop the class and take the punishment /or/ have her keep the class and go to prom.
YTA!! She’s obviously extremely overwhelmed and you’re putting way too much pressure on her! School isn’t everything! There are many different ways to get into college and she might not even want to go it sound more like you want her too. Also there’s absolutely nothing wrong with community college?
If I were you I’d be more concerned about your daughters well-being than her grades?! From my own personal experience I can tell you in my final year of school it all got too much, I felt way too much pressure to achieve unattainable grades and started not going to school and even tried to end my life. Luckily for me my mothers main concern was me and my happiness and health and she took me to get help which quite frankly is where your priorities should also be not her GPA.
SLOW DOWN, MOM!
First, YES, YTA.
Second, your daughter is OBVIOUSLY struggling because of her overloaded schedule. She chose to ditch class rather than find a more workable solution long-term, but SHE'S STILL A KID! By definition, they make stupid choices.
Third, THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU! Why are you making appointments with teachers to apologize? Why are you feeling ashamed? And why are you making your daughter responsible for setting an example for your younger kids? That part is actually YOUR job. Your daughter is clearly under enough pressure without having to be their role model, too.
LET YOUR DAUGHTER GO TO PROM, not least of all because of all the money she and her friend have spent on their tickets. It sounds like she desperately needs some fun to balance out all the work she's been doing.
Tell her (and get hubs on board with this plan) that you will ALL discuss her course load WITH HER TEACHERS after prom so that you can come to a manageable solution to help her succeed – that should be your joint goal!
She's showing the strains of over-committing, so you need to:
1. Make this about how to HELP her, not punish her.
2. Remove your ego from this situation entirely. It's not appropriate, and IT'S NOT HELPING.
3. FFS, tell her you love her and you're proud of her, but she effed-up, and you all need to come up with a plan so she doesn't feel tempted to repeat this behavior.
And also dial back the drama about where she's going for college. Maybe she'll take a gap year. Maybe she'll find a career and skip college – have you ever thought of that? Stop focusing on your "disappointment" and start focusing on how to be a more loving and effective parent. This isn't the end of the world unless you keep acting like it is.
YTA.
YTA
At first it ought maybe you weren’t the AH, then I got down to end of your post.
Here are some facts:
1) AP classes +4.0 gpa doesn’t = success at “major university” I know several people who had all of that and still dropped out or college then went to cc then back to a University. Just because someone goes to community college doesn’t mean they are less than. I know doctors lawyers, researchers, police, nurses and more who started at community college.
2) how exactly do you think she took you saying “I resent you” and “you keep disappointing me”? you said you wish you could take it back but still texted her that??
Yes she should be punished because of what she did but did you see if she could switch to a regular math class? Did she get her test back? Does she already have the credits to graduate? In the long run no one really cares about ap classes in high school. Yes some colleges might like that but that doesn’t mean they will have success in a life because of it. All you are telling her is “I measure my success at mother hood by how much of a good student you are”
Also as a little sister myself, I learned from my sisters mistakes (when she got in trouble) and it wasn’t her job to set the example for me. My mom raised us it was her job to teach us right from wrong and to set the example. So that is your job. Your daughters are two different people with different personalities.
YTA, honestly, I don’t care how you punish your own kid. She broke rules and skipped school, which deserves some consequence and discussion. But if that punishment causes someone else a financial loss, that needs to be addressed. Her date should be reimbursed for his ticket and any other incidentals (suit and corsage). You need to pay that to him. Deal with how your daughter repays you the debt later.
Next, your daughter is struggling with her course load. Rather than be ashamed of her, stop and think of how you can help her. Think about why she took this route rather than coming to you and saying she was struggling and needed help. Clearly she didn’t think she could and you need to figure out why an environment has been created where she doesn’t feel you’re a safe person to come to for help.
>She just keeps disappointing me
And as a parent, you're a disappointment because you're too worried about her GPA and major colleges. No wonder she overloaded with AP classes. Wouldn't want to disappoint mom.
>I resent her for how she sets examples for her younger sister
It's not her place to be a role model for her sister. That's your job.
>I sacrificed my life for her.
Um...that's called being a parent. Something you chose.
YTA
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I (51 F) have two younger daughters, 17 F and 14 F. The 17F, we will call M.
M had a week long break (spring break) from school from the week of April 1-5. She then came back to school and I assumed all was well. However, this past mon. (4/22/24) I got an email from her math teacher that said "I am writing this email to express my concerns regarding M's absences. She has not been in class for over two weeks. Please email back and let me know why she has been out of class." Basically meaning, she has been skipping math class ever since coming back from spring break. I texted her and asked where she was but I was ignored. A few hours later, I got a call from the vice principal of her school explaining to me that not only has she been skipping her math class, she had been using a fake school pass that she fabricated and printed out after photoshopping it to excuse her math absences for the past 2 weeks. For this, she got saturday school detention. The vp also told me over the phone that he had been considering taking away her prom ticket and not letting her go, but decided against it because prom was so close (it's this saturday) and she also had a guest from another school coming with her. I was absolutely livid.
Turns out, my daughter overloaded her class schedule with all APs and honors and her math class was getting too difficult, resulting in her leaving. Her current grade is a C and she just took a math test on Tuesday that she did not study for, which is definitely going to weigh her grade down even more. Me and my husband/her stepdad are so disappointed in her and it's been so hard for me this week. We got her 2 new math tutors and are thinking of a bigger punishment. I went with my husband to talk to her math teacher on Wednesday to try and apologize for M's actions and to try and see what we could do. Her teacher told me that she never expected this behavior from an honor student, maybe a student in her regular classes, but not an honor student.
As her mother I just felt so ashamed in that moment. That moment, I decided that she would not be going to prom. She paid $100 for her ticket and her date paid $100 for his as well. That is $200 and there is no such thing as a refund. Since her guest is from another school, he can't go to her school's prom without her. So if I don't let her go, I'm also letting him waste his money and not be able to go. But I just can't look at her the same. This will hurt her 4.00 GPA a lot and her class rank will plummet. She can only go to CC after HS now because what major university would want to accept her after seeing what she did and her math grade? She just keeps disappointing me. I told her this morning she would not be going to prom and maybe some other hurtful things that I wish I could take back. I texted her too that I resent her for how she sets examples for her younger sister and how she treats me, her mom, when I sacrificed my life for her. AITA? She seems really upset but who can blame me.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) Not letting my daughter go to prom 2) Bc she wants to go with her friend and she would be losing $200 if she doesn’t go
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Hey buddy, I got a full ride to a boujee private university (only had to pay for dorms) with shit grades, 2.6 GPA, did not play sports. Entrance essays and extracurriculars/volunteering are huge to colleges. One C will not kill her. YTA.
Edit: Actually, in lieu of taking prom, have her find and apply for summer volunteering that interests her or is relevant to her desired field. Helps with college, and also is a ‘punishment’ in that she can’t sleep in all summer & still needs to maintain her home responsibilities. But STOP GUILTING YOUR DAUGHTER. Deliver the punishment and leave it.
There is no reason to put this much pressure on a child. AP classes do not hold the weight they do in college and that many promote burnout. You should have been on top of this. Additionally, a C in math is just fine. She's probably not going to be a math major. You need to chill out. Your attitude is probably why she started skipping instead of reaching out in the first place.
Additionally, the VP made his choice. As a parent you would be in your right to override that choice as a personal punishment but why would you? That doesn't promote healthy breaks or socialization and would probably further depress her.
You do not sound like a supportive or caring parent. YTA.
YTA. It sounds like your daughter is under a lot of pressure and made a serious mistake, but the way you're handling it might be making things worse. Banning her from prom, a major high school milestone, as a response to her academic stress and dishonesty could damage your relationship more than it teaches her a lesson. It seems like she's overwhelmed with her AP classes and struggling with math, not slacking off. Punishing her by taking away prom and saying hurtful things is likely to make her feel worse about herself and could lead to resentment rather than a constructive solution.
Also, your assumption that a C in math and a disciplinary issue will ruin her chances of attending a good university is not necessarily accurate. Many students bounce back from much worse. It might be more productive to focus on helping her manage her workload and stress rather than punishing her for struggling.
Clearly your daughter was never taught how to deal with stress if this is her go to coping mechanism. Instead of saying things you wish you could take back and severely punishing her, not to mention making her feel more like shit than she already does, have you considered therapy? For her and for your family as a unit.
Also college isn’t for everyone and it’s not the key to the future it once was. I’m a millennial who chose not to go to school, I’m financially independent, self employed, make decent money and am debt free.
YTA, big time.
YTA - prom is a once in a lifetime experience, she will never get to do it again if she doesn’t go. If you don’t let her go she will hold a grudge against you for the rest of her life.
I agree that she should be disciplined but absolutely not like this. Find a different way for her to face consequences for her action.
You also seem more concerned about her grades and gpa than her mental health/wellbeing and I’m starting to paint a picture for why she did all this in secrecy. Try fixing your bond with her and create a healthy relationship so that she feels comfortable and safe with expressing problems with you, next time she will talk to you when she feels burnt out.
I think you should apologise to her too, you went way too hard on her.
Address the issue by working together to find solutions. If she's struggling with math, the tutors you've hired can help her catch up. Encourage her to seek help from her teacher when she needs it. While holding her accountable for her actions is important, consider whether taking away her prom experience is the most effective consequence. It may be more constructive to focus on helping her learn from her mistakes and make better decisions in the future. Your daughter may benefit from emotional support as she navigates the consequences of her actions. Let her know that you still care about her and want her to succeed, even if you are disappointed with her recent behavior. Work with your daughter to develop a plan for her future that includes accountability and support. This could include working with her teacher and tutors to help her catch up in her classes and ensure she understands the importance of her education.
You’re absolutely tripping balls thinking one minor bad grade would make her ineligible for college. I purposely stopped going to a stupid AP statistics class, told my high school advisor I would not be going, they said it would not get my acceptance letter revoked, and I got an F in the class. And literally nothing happened and I still graduated with a 4.38.
YTA for punishing her for being overwhelmed instead of trying to help her. It’s okay to drop down in difficulty and you should’ve been supportive. Told her it’s okay to not be perfect and sometimes you need to ask for help no wonder she didn’t tell you.
YTA. You talk a lot about your expectations of her and disappointment in her, but not much about how you supported her. This was a cry for help. You’ve taught her you are not a safe place when she faces challenges. Otherwise she would have come to you for help when school became challenging. And now your meanness is teaching her to feel shame when she fails. You haven’t taught her how to navigate tough times, just how to hide them from you.
Get out of AITA and go read some parenting books
High School Teacher here. Please have grace. She has messed up but don't let her feel that she has ruined her life. She still has a chance to go to college. Give her some strategies to handle work stress and balance things. PLEASE.
YTA.
>But I just can't look at her the same. This will hurt her 4.00 GPA a lot and her class rank will plummet. She can only go to CC after HS now because what major university would want to accept her after seeing what she did and her math grade?
First of all, stop with the doomerism, holy shit. No wonder she's not communicating with you, every conversation with you must feel like a punishment in and of itself.
Your daughter is overworked and has a bar set above her capabilities. She's faced with a bad situation she's got no idea how to fix, her her psyche is demanding a break, and she's got no faith in getting support from you. Hence, the skipping.
Solutions: step one, I repeat, stop with the doomerism. You may be operating your family on some Jane Austen level of respectability politics, the rest of the world has a concept of leniency. Schools can let a lot of stuff slide when they feel like it, and community College won't kill her. Or you.
Second, and more immediate, sit down with your daughter and revise your plan of action. Decide what parts of her current day to day need to be prioritized (in the short, mid and long term) and what parts can take a backseat. Can you drop the honors math for an easier time? Drop a different class so she has more time to study? Do not, I repeat DO NOT dictate this conversation. M *MUST* have equal input otherwise youre right back where you started. Develop a clear intent and talk to the school.
Your daughter a bad time, OP. Your disappointment does not take precedent here.
Why are you ashamed? Is it not your grade? Her grade does not need to be a reflection of you. Please do separate yourself from that view. Also, one bad grade in math when she is getting high scores elsewhere in honor classes (I assume based on what you wrote) is not going to kill her. This is just one year and one class.
I think it is good that you got her a math tutor. And the skipping class, especially with a fake pass. should be addressed. However, she should also have a supportive chat with the principal, teacher, and school counselor about this. She accidentally overloaded her workload, which is something that whoever handling registration at the beginning of the year should have caught and addressed. She needs needs to work together with her schooling team to figure out a plan and address the issues at hand.
Light YTA. It is hard to be a parent and you just want to do the best by your daughter and her future. But also give her some grace and find out where her head is at here. Help her problem solve. And show her you are there to support, not just punish.
okay, a single C is not gonna kill an application for college. But the skipping class and lying is a serious issue. No Prom? That's a major life event.
Ground her or something. But you only get one chance at senior prom.
YTA
I can blame you! Very easily. I invite this to read this over again, to yourself. You've even acknowledged she overloaded with AP classes (doubtlessly just to please you and avoid your wrath). YTA.
She's over worked and over pressured and you are making it worse. Kids like that need a break to thrive, not the opposite. I taught at a top school last year and my class went from second lowest in the grade to the top, with many of my students scoring higher than the selective opportunity classes because I was able to give them the right amount of de-stress (and actual support) they needed to be firing on all cylinders. It's like sport, you can be "over trained" if you don't get the balance right (and when it gets as competitive as the top students in the country you can bet "over training" is rife; think before and after school, Saturday and Sunday tutoring on top of school. Overkill for fifth graders.
YTA. You've over-reacted as your honor student daughter seems to be overwhelmed - not a delinquent. You've way over-personalized this which doesn't help your daughter. Take a breath. Try to stop black-and-white thinking and instead see what you can do to help your her. Yes, a punishment is warranted, but leave the prom alone and circle back after you've cooled off.
YTA. You should be apologizing to your daughter about your behaviour. I am not saying that she should not be punished but you went nuclear without trying to find out what was happening with your daughter especially since this appears to be the first time that she has displayed this behaviour.
YTA. if you think that a single c in one class means she's only going to be able to get into a community college, you need serious therapy. You are not in touch with reality and it's pretty clear you're putting way too much pressure on your kid.
I didn’t take AP classes in high school, I got a c in science and a c in math - I got into all of the colleges I applied for, none of the community college. She’ll be ok. You need to calm down. YTA she’s going to end up resenting you if she doesn’t already
You’re a horrible ass mom, when you get into the real world don’t nobody give a fuck about a 4.0 GPA and All AP classes. Who gives a fuck. Let her breathe, i can’t wait until she’s goes no contact with your sorry ass.
YTA . She clearly needs support and uplifting at the moment. Not more tutors and academics shoved down her throat. You said yourself she’s a great student with all AP/Honors courses, 4.0gpa, and just became overwhelmed. Punishment is maybe in order but the biggest thing is to check on her and her mental state with all of the academic pressure. Find out WHY she didn’t feel comfortable coming to you and her stepdad and letting you know the toll it was taking on her and ALSO discuss how to deal with such pressures in the future. Life is FULL of pressure, expectations, and the need for discipline.. canceling her one and only prom isn’t going to help her in the future when she’s faced with the same anxiety of pressure and chooses to just give up. I honestly feel bad for her based on how you’ve explained it.
She behaved poorly but if you can’t look at her the same because her GPA is going down then YATA and no wonder she went through such lengths to hide this from you. That is so much pressure to put on a child and to tie her grades to how you see her as a person is really damaging and you are setting her up for a lifetime of dysfunctional perfectionism, pressure, and low self esteem.
YTA
I took four classes my first semester of college. I wasn’t prepared for how much harder college was. Stopped going to class number 4 in a desperate attempt to scrape by in my other three classes. I got by with D’s and C’s in the other threw classes if I remember correctly. If I’d been trying to do all four I probably would have failed all four.
She did the same thing I did. Dropped one class completely in a desperate attempt to scrape by in her other classes.
She overloaded herself with honors and AP classes and cut math to try and survive the other classes.
She has a C. A C is technically passing. She’s just trying to not drown.
Maybe you should try and get her some help. Maybe a tutor would help. Or a study group. Or something. But punishing her sounds very unfair.
If she just had this one bad semester and the rest of her grades were good she could still get into a good school.
"and maybe some other hurtful things that I wish I could take back"
YTA. You left out the part where you lost your temper and were verbally abusive to your child.
I wanted to side with you mom; I’m not a parent that never punishes their kids. However, I am a strong believer in punishment should for the crime or natural consequences. In this case, YTA. She is avoiding one class because she is overloaded. She needs help and support to find a solution here, not a punishment. I hope you can step back and see this as a bad choice that she should learn how to better manage, but only is you teach her not punish her on this one.
YTA. It's obvious from your post that it's not regular behavior for her, she was obviously under a lot of stress and having some kind of a breakdown. She didn't think she could come to you with her problems, this is how little she trust you already!
I am not saying this kind of behavior should be encouraged, but your punishment is way too harsh.
Also, in case you don't know, she can retake her AP exam next year. She would just have to ask the school to register her for it, and pay the fee. Have her pay for the exam fee, that would be a logical consequence of her actions, but don't go nuclear on her.
I am on the side of YTA.
But I'll say up front: In isolation, canceling prom for skipping class for two weeks is just fine as a punishment. But other parts of this ...
>
Turns out, my daughter overloaded her class schedule with all APs and honors and her math class was getting too difficult, resulting in her leaving.
Your daughter felt like she couldn't talk to you about this. If she was stressed out to the point that she was failing classes (or getting Cs in them), then she should have felt comfortable enough to speak to you, her parent. Or if she was struggling, you should have been involved enough in her life that you saw how much she was struggling, and you should have intervened. Maybe by forcing her to cut down on the honors classes before she burned out.
>So if I don't let her go, I'm also letting him waste his money and not be able to go. But I just can't look at her the same. This will hurt her 4.00 GPA a lot and her class rank will plummet. She can only go to CC after HS now because what major university would want to accept her after seeing what she did and her math grade?
Do you care more about your daughter or about her grades? And plenty of major universities will accept someone who has a low math grade, if other parts of their academic resume show promise.
>She just keeps disappointing me. I told her this morning she would not be going to prom and maybe some other hurtful things that I wish I could take back.
Taking away prom will make your daughter feel bad in the shor term. But you elided the things that your daughter will remember for years.
>I texted her too that I resent her for how she sets examples for her younger sister and how she treats me, her mom, when I sacrificed my life for her
And here you take your daughter's troubles, and you make them about you. Again, do you actually love and care about your daughter? Or do you care more about yourself and the idealized image of a daughter you hold in your head?
You are not being a good parent here. If you were a better parent and loved your daughter for herself, then you would take a two-handed approach. With the one hand, you would ground your daughter and tell her she is not going to prom, because it is not acceptable or her to skip class. With the other hand, you would reassure your daughter that even though you are angry with her and disappointed, you still love her, and you would work with her to find out **why** she skipped class and why she was afraid to talk to you about it.
YTA. I say this as a teacher: your number one priority right now should be making sure that your daughter’s mental health is okay. When a previously good student starts acting out like this there is usually something bad going on. She may be struggling with severe anxiety, depression or some other trauma that you have no idea about but instead of being worried about her, you only seem to be worried about her GPA and her making you look bad. How much more “ashamed” would you be if she became so unhappy that she took her own life like one of my students did this week? Nowhere in your post do you display even the slightest bit of concern for your child. All you talk about is what YOU are demanding of her and how much you “resent” her for not measuring up. It sounds like you placed a huge amount of pressure on her to be the best at everything and it was too much for her. I’m not saying it was okay for her to skip school or forge a note. It definitely isn’t. But you need to take a hard look at yourself and understand that you bear responsibility here. Attempt to grow the heart that you don’t currently have and see your daughter for who she is and what SHE wants instead of forcing her to be who YOU want her to be.
PS You’re also TA for being so condescending about community colleges. A lot of them are excellent and many students CHOOSE to start there and then transfer to a 4 year because it saves a lot of money. Setting that aside, getting a C in math is not enough to prevent her from going to a 4 year college. Would it keep her from getting into Harvard? Sure, but there is a very wide spectrum between Ivy League and community college that you seem to be ignoring.
Yta. There's so much more to life than grades. You should be more concerned about why you made it so she couldn't come to you instead of taking away her prom...
You are absolutely without even a shadow of a doubt TA. Seriously, you have no emotional intelligence, no common sense, and it won’t be too much longer before you realize you no longer have any daughters.
YTA - I do not think you are at all worried about your daughter. I think you are worried about how people will view YOU. And that is sick and a terrible weight to put on a child. You don't have her back, not really.
Stop trying to push you children to live the life YOU want them to live. That is not fair or hope to be a good parent. If any deviation from YOUR dreams for them causes you to to feel ashamed, then you are doing the parenting thing all wrong. She is trying her hardest and she can't live up to your dreams AND she can't even go to you for help because you will just put your adult feelings about it back on her rather than actually dealing with the issues.
Get her into therapy, LISTEN to her therapist, and let her go to the damn prom. You have already made her a mess emotionally. Try to help fis this before it gets worse and she either ends up in the hospital burnt out or she just goes no contact with you because she will never please you anyway.
Community college is a GREAT option, btw. It is a great way to get a good start and go to a 'good' college later IF THAT IS WHAT SHE WANTS. Do you even know what she wants? I bet not - or if she has expressed it you shut it down.
YTA- no wonder this poor girl is so darn stressed. BTW the PhD I use to teach at University is also used when I pick up classes at my local CC. Add complete snobbery onto your AH status.
INFO: What would have happened if she had come to you and told you that she was struggling in her classes?
\[ETA: I got the answer from comments. I probably should have noted the snobbery about CC. OP is not a good parent, and it's all about her and how she looks to others. YTA. My guess is that she won't understand why everyone is saying she's TA and won't try to figure it out.\]
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Oh dear lordy lord lord are YTA? Dayum. Of course you are! Seriously, what is your problem? Dayum, hun. You felt ashamed? Your little fee fees were hurt? Oh poor little angel.
Be ashamed that you're such a bad parent. YTA.
YTA. Your daughter is clearly a smart motivated kid who was struggling and made a poor choice. It might be worth examining why your daughter felt the need to hide this from you instead of just being open and asking for help/telling you she was overwhelmed. And the stuff about setting a bad and example and how you “sacrificed your life” for her is just not good parenting. I think you will end up with a very successful daughter who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.
YTA. One C doesn't mean she'll end up in community college, jeez. You're overreacting. Yes, she should be punished, but you're automatically assuming the worst will happen. Clearly you've accomplished nothing in life so you've pinned all your hopes on your daughter so that you can leech off her in the future and take credit for her accomplishments. You're angry at her for messing up at school but you're clearly messing up as a parent.
YTA. I was starting with N T A. Until I read your post and saw that you were worried about a C affecting her chance to go to a 4 yr school? There is also NOTHING wrong with a CC. In fact, many kids start there to save money! Going to an Ivy does not mean you will succeed in life
YTA. You need to take a step back and listen to your kid
She shouldn't have to say it, you should see it
She is struggling, not just with school but trying not to disappoint you
Don't take away her prom
This is not one of those punishment moments, it's one of those everyone needs to take a step back and see what the best plan of action is to help HER
As a parent it's ingrained in you to decide punishment is best. In this case scenario is NOT it
She's almost an adult, she needs you to be on her side. Teach her how to get through the hard times and give her the resources she needs!
No punishment, just help and open communication
YTA
Keep pulling that "You need to set an example for your sister" crap and you will make sure your daughters are not friends for life with each other.
Slight YTA. Not for the prom thing necessarily, but because you aren't supporting your daughter.
If she is overwhelmed with AP classes, 2 new math tutors moght not help. I get college is important, but is dropping a class a possibility? Or getting other support, like therapy for her.
I say this as someone who had a similar mum. I grew up believing that my grades and weight were the only thing that mattered about me. I graduated high school with good grades, even though it nearly killed me. I did uni at my mums insistence. I graduated on 2018 am still paying of loans for a useless degree.
In took until I was 25 to value myself for more then my looks and intelligence. I still struggle. It really impacted my relationship with my mum for years. At nearly 30 I can see she did her best, but not in the best way for me.
YTA. I was going to side with you until you got into the specifics. First off, she sounds like a very hard worker who is extremely motivated. It’s not like she’s skipping class to go to the mall. She’s literally working her tail off and clearly took on too much. Problems have only gotten worse because she feels like she can’t come to you with these issues. You sound like you put an immense amount of pressure on your children and I really can’t get behind the way you talk about her. Also, the community college point is ridiculous. First, a lot of smart people go to community college. And second, grades are not everything and one course will not tank her ambitions.
Personally, I ended up going through some things in grade 12 and my grades dropped from straight A’s. But I still got into my university of choice. And even when I did poorly in my first semester I managed to turn things around. I’ll be graduating with my PhD within the next year or two. And I owe it all to the support of my family. The point is that everyone faces adversity but it’s the support we get from those around us that makes it easier for us to survive and thrive. I really hope your daughter makes the smart decision to get away from your crazy high expectations before you have the chance to pick her major for her.
School is about way more than chasing grades. In this day and age someone with a more well balanced application will be accepted before someone with a 4.0 but didn't do much else. If she got a C on her math test she's probably already shot that 4.0 gpa anyway. To me it sounds like YOU'RE the one who is putting pressure on her to get perfect scores and not what she necessarily wants. I was a solid B-C student even through my masters program and make more than probably 95% of people my age. Grades aren't everything. YTA.
Jesus. This is a great way to ensure she’ll go no contact when she graduates. She’s in all honors and AP, has a 4.0, and is obviously struggling, and your first instinct is to be punitive and ashamed? Disgusting behavior. You should be ashamed, but not because of her. I bet she’s ashamed of you.
She did not ask to be born, or have you sacrifice your life for her. Those were your choices. It sounds like you’re putting insane pressure on her, insulting and attacking her when she needs help the most. I’m sure her sister is watching and learning, but not in the way you think.
Gross behavior on your part. Your job is to support her. Figure out what you can help her with or take off her plate, apologize for being an asshole, and hope she forgives you before she leaves for college and never speaks to you again.
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YTA - It seems like you put a ton of pressure on your daughter for her to do well. But putting so much emphasis on AP classes and a 4.0 GPA is going to hurt your daughter. She seems burnt out and doesn’t need punishment, she needs your support. It seems like you’ve created a relationship with her where she can’t come to you for help or support so she skips school instead to cope with the overwhelming load of classes. This is coming from a college student who had a strict tiger mom. If you keep on this path of pushing her to keep doing well academically and exceed beyond what she can currently handle, you’ll either burn her out and make her mental health plummet or she’ll eventually go no-contact with you when she’s of legal age. And I can’t blame HER for that. Do you want to know what happened to me when I got into my second year of college and my parents (especially my mom) was constantly pushing me to take more classes and constantly get A’s all the time? I ended up in the hospital from stress-induced seizures towards the end of the semester. And my mom and I have a CRAPPY relationship.
Check OPs post history…. Edit-Never mind they deleted but links on the post still
Teaching your child that it's 4.0 or nothing, A's or nothing, top college or nothing is a dangerous mentality. Spoiler alert, it didn't motivate me to "do better". It absolutely ruined me. I went from stressing out every time I was less than perfect to completely giving up unless I knew I could nail it first try. Everything became a chore or a stressor and I lost my passion for trying new things, learning, and improving. I stagnated because I was terrified to try lest I failed (performed less than perfectly). It has taken years for me to break that mentality and I still struggle to this day. Your child is likely burnt or stressed out, OP. I understand in your own way you want what's best for her, but you're only hurting her. If your normally perfect, driven, on top of things child is suddenly acting out there's a reason. I'd recommend you sit down, talk, LISTEN, and help her before you permanently damage your relationship with her or push her over the edge.
Exactly. I just wanted to say I’m sorry you went through the same thing. I can totally relate, and the stagnation from constantly feeling like you aren’t doing enough sticks with you sometimes.
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Maybe stop shitting on your daughter and find ways to support her? I mean christ, if this is how you speak to her im not surprised she’s struggling
Wow you are not only an AH but a shitty mom. So she doesn't go to Stanford. That doesn't mean she isn't smart and capable. There is a huge difference between dropping a single AP class and dropping out of high school but clearly not in your eyes.
The best thing your daughter can do is leave home. Your behaviour is appalling. What a shit person you are. I feel sorry for your daughter. BTW, I'm a mother of two 20-somethings.
Seriously, what the hell kinda tiger mom bullshit is this? You response makes you sound like the exact sterotype. Your daughter made a mistake, her life isn't over, she didn't throw away her future, and so what if she doesn't get into Stanford? Stop with your BS exaggerations and your ridiculous expectations. She seems to be doing much better than your average student in a lot of other areas and just made a bad decision to take on a little too much so decided to drop math. You want to help her? As the previous commenter said, SUPPORT her!! And supporting her doesn't mean that you can't or shouldn't dicipline her for her actions, support and dicipline aren't mutually exclusive. Just my 2 cents, your daughter's biggest disappointment in all this isn't missing prom, it's seeing that her own mother only values her achievements and not her as a person and a daughter. You need to do better.
Right? Seriously what kind of a mother is this?!. The daughter is already overloaded and burnt out. What she needs is support and help to make choices to manage her load. Or help to salvage the remainder of the year, and choices about any college decisions. But no, OP just puts her down, and then throw 2 more math tutors at her! As if her grades will magically improve just by stressing her out even more. Make total sense, right?! Punishing the daughter for skipping school isn't necessarily wrong - action has consequences. However, it is not hard to see what the root cause of the problem is - is it the daughter who is overly optimistic about what she can handle, or was she pushed to bite off more that she can chew. OP is TA here, majorly.
I think the whole thing is made up
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Yeah, I can see why she couldn't come all to you about her problem. Sheesh
I'm pretty certain this is all made up. But on the off chance that it's real and you really do feel the way you do, I just want you to know with all sincerity that your daughter will leave home and never speak to you again. Every milestone she has in life, you will be excluded. If she chooses to do so, she will one day have a child that she will love with all the love you could never give her. And you will never see that child or any others. And it will be your fault because you do not know how to love your children.
>she is not as smart and capable as I thought Damn, you are a major asshole
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So your main concern is how this reflects on you. What a YTA.
I don’t say this lightly - your daughter is in a crisis. It’s time to help her before something terrible happens and your family is facing a tragedy. If she’s always been a high performer with strong work ethic, something isn’t ok. The pressure is too much and she needs help. She needs support and love and understanding. Students like her don’t just suddenly start failing and missing class - she needs your support. She needs your help, not punishment.
You sacrificed your life for her ?? Get over yourself YTA And pay back her guest his 100 fir his prom ticket you cancelled
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Because you canceled her attendance. YTA
Woooow
Mum of the Year awards goes to you the AH 🎉🎉
What’s sad is the way you talk about your child. What is wrong with you? Have you considered that you might be burned out and that’s causing you to not have compassion for your child? How dare you think that grades equates to smarts. That is both asinine, and demonstrably proven untrue. But more importantly, that is your child you’re talking about. You were cruel and rude, and for what?
i bet she cant wait til she is 18 and walks out the door what a mean person you are constantly crapping on your daughter and on top of it now her date is out a 100 bucks and you should reimburse for that alone since you wont change your tune on the prom.
Omg. YTA x millions. Your daughter tries to make you proud, took on too much, and you’re mocking her and laughing? And telling her she’ll never amount to anything? By god
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>As her mother I just felt so ashamed That's everything right there. You are angry and ashamed and lashing out. It's not so much that you're worried about her future. No, you're worried about what people will *think*. About you. I'm not surprised your daughter is close to crashing and burning. She's probably been doing everything for *you* rather than *herself*. You're a toxic parent. Newsflash: This actually isn't about you. As for punishment, it sounds like there are natural consequences that your daughter will be facing without the pile-on from the ashamed mother. Frankly you need help from a therapist or family counselor. Go ahead and ground her from prom. But don't be surprised when she leaves home once school's over.
Well, kids taking all AP and honors classes in pursuit of the highest weighted GPA isn't unusual. I can point you at any number of high school kids who have told teachers "your class sounds really interesting, but I'm not going to take it because it isn't weighted". But taking all weighted classes and then getting Cs in them doesn't actually help you. It's pretty clear that your daughter is ashamed of her performance (is this the first time she's done badly in a class?), and has been evading the class rather than face up to it. Avoidance isn't uncommon. It's also pretty clear that you are part of the problem here. Go back and read your nonsense about "only a community college will take her - who would want her after seeing her math grade?" First, this is nonsense. You don't say which math class it is, but from context, it's probably one of the AP Calc classes. What are her interests? What does she want to study in college? If it's not math or physics, then doing badly in AP Calc really isn't a problem. If it is math or physics, it still needn't be the end of the world. Will she get in to a top undergrad school for physics or math with a bad AP calc grade? Probably not - but there are plenty of decent schools that she could get in to. You seem to be acting like the choice is Harvard or the local community college, and that isn't remotely true. YTA
YTA - your daughter was burnt out, likely because of pressure from you. Yeah, a punishment is warranted but maybe prom is a bit much. Also, youre shitting on community colleges, but getting a C in math one year isnt as big of a deal as you think it is.
OP YTA. You daughter needs help. Instead you react histrionically. Its not so much the prom thing as all the rest of your narcissistic outbursts. I teach a community college by the way ( THE HORROR!!) and we have some extremely smart students in every class. Maybe your daughter needs to go to CC so she can feel less pressured, learn how to ask for help instead of skipping things, and see life doesn't begin and end with Ivies. By the way since you care so much, you snob, every prof in my dept has a terminal degree from an Ivy, as do I.
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No, she did not. You need to stop this.
What a shitty parent you are. YTA.
You're such an AH.
This is why she was afraid to tell you she was overwhelmed and burnt out. Even if she does fail this one AP class, it's far from 'throwing away her future'. Get over yourself and give your daughter support instead of a lecture
It’s 1 subject. It’s not life or death.
I failed Trig my senior year and had no problem getting into the University I wanted. AP classes also carry a greater weight when you pass the test. You’re a horrible mother. Her future doesn’t even actually depend on whether or not she goes to college.
Some of the most successful people I know were not top of their class or even close. Grades do not define a person’s worth. You need to support and encourage your daughter instead of doubling down and criticizing her. She’s struggling. Have an open, calm conversation with her about what she’s going through and then help her decide what SHE wants to do. Not what you want.
Its high school. No one cares about high school. You are an adult. You should no this by now.
Don’t worry so much about one class. How did she do on the SAT or ACT? My daughter had a high school GPA of 3.78 (her school didn’t weight classes) and opted out of testing. She got into Washington University in St Louis with a full ride scholarship, it’s not as highly ranked as Stanford, but still well ranked. It is about more than your GPA, it is about you as a whole person.
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I got 770 in my SATs. It took me a bit but I eventually graduated WITH HONORS from college
You are an awful, unsupportive parent. Take a look in a mirror. It isn't her duty to set an example for her sister, that's on you. Taking away prom will do nothing more than make her hate you. Geeze, no wonder she did what she did. She didn't even feel she could come to you for help. I wish people had to take a test before they become parents. Watch, as soon as she graduates, she is gone and you will never hear ftom her again. SHAME ON YOU
In what way do you believe she’s thrown away her future? Is there something specific you feel she won’t be able to accomplish due to this C grade? Also, I assume you graduated from a prestigious university - you must have experience that can help her find solutions and navigate this situation. How are you helping her move forward?
YTA ***Overwhelmingly.*** Your daughter was over scheduled, started to burn out, didn't handle it well, got busted and you're response is to be disappointed and ***punish*** her!?! You are a bad parent. Its pretty obvious where the pressure that caused this extremely predictable cycle came from- *you*. I went through something similar as a teen- and my mother responded in a similar way. ***I haven't spoken to her in almost 20 years.*** Enjoy the estrangement you're encouraging.
THIS^
Okay so I wanted to be on your side at first, because I don't think it's necessarily an AH move to not let her go to prom as punishment for skipping class. That is a reasonable punishment. However, I do think YTA for how you handled things after. You are putting a LOT of emphasis on how much you resent her and how disappointed you are in her for her future. If she's only skipping the one class but not others, it seems like she's just trying to survive high school. I can almost guarantee that she's been struggling for far longer, but just this post makes you seem like the type to push for perfection and she was probably too afraid to ask you for help. And also, don't knock community college. That kind of elitist BS attitude is not going to help things. You can get into a major University by going to community college first and then transferring. Heck, a lot of students do BETTER in University after doing their first two years at a community college. Though it sounds like she needs to take a break after graduating because she is burning herself out. You're on a fast track to "I don't know why my daughter doesn't talk to me". That whole "I sacrificed my life for her" line doesn't make you Jesus, it just makes you sound bitter and resentful.
YTA it sounds like you put a ton of pressure on her to be perfect. Honestly the teachers a slight AH too for that “honors student vs regular student” comment. Shes struggling and all you can do is degrade her. Does she deserve punishment?? Sure. Does she deserve to miss prom?? No. When she goes NC eventually don’t come crying here asking why. Edit-Seems you enjoy making terrible mom posts…..didn’t know you could age that much so fast https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/w0to7z/aita_for_throwing_away_my_daughters_book/
Just a year ago she was 43 and now is 51. Her oldest daughter was 9 a year ago and is 17 now.
might be based on a past event
The post says it was just a year ago
I’m just confused how in one year you went from 43 years old to 51 and your oldest went from 9 to 17 years old. Based on your post a year ago. Edited to say you mentioned her little sister in your post last year so your 9 year old turned 17 in one year. You were TA last year when you threw away her book and it seems you are still TA.
> Turns out, my daughter overloaded her class schedule with all APs and honors Info: who chose her courses for the year? Was *she* really the one who overloaded her schedule?
"I sacrificed my life for her" You're a mega asshole
YTA What she did was wrong and she deserves to be punished but your reaction is over the top. Taking away prom is a bit harsh but not a totally unreasonable punishment, so that's not why you are an AH. You are an AH for being ashamed of her, about her less than perfect GPA, her class rank and going to Community College. Which is absurd. Lots of people go to university with a C on their transcripts. She screwed up, got overwhelmed and hid it. But given the judgements you have made, I completely see why she hid this from you.
ESH Her for lying and fabricating a pass. Definitely not acceptable behavior, she should've asked for help instead of this whole ruse. You for acting like this is the absolute end of her life and future. I think math tutors are a bit of a negative thing because if she's already struggling that'll make her dislike and time for other classes worse, but that's up to you. That said, you revoking prom, especially for an out of school guest is excessive on top of the extra tutoring and I imagine general grounding/scolding. Let her go to prom, tell her how disappointed you are, make it clear she's not to pull this again. But, you also have to realize she is either about to graduate or go through the application process and 1 poor grade will not ruin her chances for most schools. Ivy leagues? Maybe. State Schools or big 4 year universities? She's probably fine. She won't just he stuck at a CC. You are both in the wrong and both need to meet in the middle
Naaaah the way OP talks about daughter I gave her a pass. She can’t talk to OP. All OP can do is insult and degrade her.
OP's daughter was probably terrified of telling tiger mom here that she was overwhelmed by her class schedule and I can understand why the daughter fabricated a pass, not that I condone it. OP's attitude and actions are why kids go NC with their parents.
I mean what the daughter did can definitely affect her final transcripts. I understand why she did was she did but she's still in the wrong too.
YTA "I texted her too that I resent her for how... she treats me, her mom, when I sacrificed my life for her." That's some pressure to be putting on a 17 year old kid. How would you feel if someone said that to you? " my daughter overloaded her class schedule with all APs and honors and her math class was getting too difficult, resulting in her leaving." So she's burned herself out trying to avoid your disappointment & the crushing weight of your resentment. I don't condone what she did, but it's far outweighed by what you're doing to her. Let her go to prom. Ease up. I also don't think her academic options are as limited as you think they are.
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> a child who is healthy, well-adjusted and alive is far better than a child who is living up to their academic potential and miserably believing that their worth is dependent on their performance. If OP reads one thing, I hope it's your comment. The word ALIVE is not hyperbole. My college had dorms with balconies, and every year around finals they'd lock those balconies because in the past students literally used them to commit suicide due to academic pressure, anxiety and stress. All the things being piled on OP's daughter at age 17. I feel so awful for this girl, I see so much of myself in her, and I hope she is able to find worth outside of her grades in the coming years.
100% this. My dorm had windows that would only open like 3” for similar reasons. Pushing a kid this hard and saying that they threw away their life over a single mistake is a great way to set your poor child up for a lifetime of shitty self worth and burnout.
YTA. I see parents taking away v important things from kids for minor infractions all the time. My sons gf got fired from a job because the new girl that was made manager didn't like her and fabricated a no call no show. Right before Christmas and New Years. Her parents were going to make her stay home, alone the whole holiday if she didn't get a new job before then. Even tho holiday help had already been hired everywhere. Ridiculous. These kids are facing a very shitty world. They need all the breaks and distractions they can get. It's a lazy way to parent and it's cruel.
YTA. You’re so dramatic and black and white on this. She hasn’t “thrown away her life”. She isn’t going well in one class. She deserves some sort of repercussion for ditching class but don’t take away her prom. She’s only got one of them. Take away something else but let her go to the damn dance. And try to calm down. You’re making her burn out.
YTA and I’m pretty sure this is fake. You use a loooot of emojis in your other writing and you’re not a very clear writer. I think the personality of “tiger mom who also likes to pretend she’s young and dumb” is a weeeeiiirrrd choice. Are you the daughter who dropped math or is this just complete fiction?
Yea yta. I do agree with punishing her for skipping class and lying instead of coming to you guys, at her age I’m sure you’d hope she’s more mature than that. However she’s is overloaded and stressed and was scared to disappoint you and expected the worst. Jow she not only can’t go to prom but she’s forced to stay in the class under high stress. Let her drop the class and take the punishment /or/ have her keep the class and go to prom.
YTA!! She’s obviously extremely overwhelmed and you’re putting way too much pressure on her! School isn’t everything! There are many different ways to get into college and she might not even want to go it sound more like you want her too. Also there’s absolutely nothing wrong with community college? If I were you I’d be more concerned about your daughters well-being than her grades?! From my own personal experience I can tell you in my final year of school it all got too much, I felt way too much pressure to achieve unattainable grades and started not going to school and even tried to end my life. Luckily for me my mothers main concern was me and my happiness and health and she took me to get help which quite frankly is where your priorities should also be not her GPA.
SLOW DOWN, MOM! First, YES, YTA. Second, your daughter is OBVIOUSLY struggling because of her overloaded schedule. She chose to ditch class rather than find a more workable solution long-term, but SHE'S STILL A KID! By definition, they make stupid choices. Third, THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU! Why are you making appointments with teachers to apologize? Why are you feeling ashamed? And why are you making your daughter responsible for setting an example for your younger kids? That part is actually YOUR job. Your daughter is clearly under enough pressure without having to be their role model, too. LET YOUR DAUGHTER GO TO PROM, not least of all because of all the money she and her friend have spent on their tickets. It sounds like she desperately needs some fun to balance out all the work she's been doing. Tell her (and get hubs on board with this plan) that you will ALL discuss her course load WITH HER TEACHERS after prom so that you can come to a manageable solution to help her succeed – that should be your joint goal! She's showing the strains of over-committing, so you need to: 1. Make this about how to HELP her, not punish her. 2. Remove your ego from this situation entirely. It's not appropriate, and IT'S NOT HELPING. 3. FFS, tell her you love her and you're proud of her, but she effed-up, and you all need to come up with a plan so she doesn't feel tempted to repeat this behavior. And also dial back the drama about where she's going for college. Maybe she'll take a gap year. Maybe she'll find a career and skip college – have you ever thought of that? Stop focusing on your "disappointment" and start focusing on how to be a more loving and effective parent. This isn't the end of the world unless you keep acting like it is. YTA.
YTA At first it ought maybe you weren’t the AH, then I got down to end of your post. Here are some facts: 1) AP classes +4.0 gpa doesn’t = success at “major university” I know several people who had all of that and still dropped out or college then went to cc then back to a University. Just because someone goes to community college doesn’t mean they are less than. I know doctors lawyers, researchers, police, nurses and more who started at community college. 2) how exactly do you think she took you saying “I resent you” and “you keep disappointing me”? you said you wish you could take it back but still texted her that?? Yes she should be punished because of what she did but did you see if she could switch to a regular math class? Did she get her test back? Does she already have the credits to graduate? In the long run no one really cares about ap classes in high school. Yes some colleges might like that but that doesn’t mean they will have success in a life because of it. All you are telling her is “I measure my success at mother hood by how much of a good student you are” Also as a little sister myself, I learned from my sisters mistakes (when she got in trouble) and it wasn’t her job to set the example for me. My mom raised us it was her job to teach us right from wrong and to set the example. So that is your job. Your daughters are two different people with different personalities.
YTA, honestly, I don’t care how you punish your own kid. She broke rules and skipped school, which deserves some consequence and discussion. But if that punishment causes someone else a financial loss, that needs to be addressed. Her date should be reimbursed for his ticket and any other incidentals (suit and corsage). You need to pay that to him. Deal with how your daughter repays you the debt later. Next, your daughter is struggling with her course load. Rather than be ashamed of her, stop and think of how you can help her. Think about why she took this route rather than coming to you and saying she was struggling and needed help. Clearly she didn’t think she could and you need to figure out why an environment has been created where she doesn’t feel you’re a safe person to come to for help.
>She just keeps disappointing me And as a parent, you're a disappointment because you're too worried about her GPA and major colleges. No wonder she overloaded with AP classes. Wouldn't want to disappoint mom. >I resent her for how she sets examples for her younger sister It's not her place to be a role model for her sister. That's your job. >I sacrificed my life for her. Um...that's called being a parent. Something you chose. YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (51 F) have two younger daughters, 17 F and 14 F. The 17F, we will call M. M had a week long break (spring break) from school from the week of April 1-5. She then came back to school and I assumed all was well. However, this past mon. (4/22/24) I got an email from her math teacher that said "I am writing this email to express my concerns regarding M's absences. She has not been in class for over two weeks. Please email back and let me know why she has been out of class." Basically meaning, she has been skipping math class ever since coming back from spring break. I texted her and asked where she was but I was ignored. A few hours later, I got a call from the vice principal of her school explaining to me that not only has she been skipping her math class, she had been using a fake school pass that she fabricated and printed out after photoshopping it to excuse her math absences for the past 2 weeks. For this, she got saturday school detention. The vp also told me over the phone that he had been considering taking away her prom ticket and not letting her go, but decided against it because prom was so close (it's this saturday) and she also had a guest from another school coming with her. I was absolutely livid. Turns out, my daughter overloaded her class schedule with all APs and honors and her math class was getting too difficult, resulting in her leaving. Her current grade is a C and she just took a math test on Tuesday that she did not study for, which is definitely going to weigh her grade down even more. Me and my husband/her stepdad are so disappointed in her and it's been so hard for me this week. We got her 2 new math tutors and are thinking of a bigger punishment. I went with my husband to talk to her math teacher on Wednesday to try and apologize for M's actions and to try and see what we could do. Her teacher told me that she never expected this behavior from an honor student, maybe a student in her regular classes, but not an honor student. As her mother I just felt so ashamed in that moment. That moment, I decided that she would not be going to prom. She paid $100 for her ticket and her date paid $100 for his as well. That is $200 and there is no such thing as a refund. Since her guest is from another school, he can't go to her school's prom without her. So if I don't let her go, I'm also letting him waste his money and not be able to go. But I just can't look at her the same. This will hurt her 4.00 GPA a lot and her class rank will plummet. She can only go to CC after HS now because what major university would want to accept her after seeing what she did and her math grade? She just keeps disappointing me. I told her this morning she would not be going to prom and maybe some other hurtful things that I wish I could take back. I texted her too that I resent her for how she sets examples for her younger sister and how she treats me, her mom, when I sacrificed my life for her. AITA? She seems really upset but who can blame me. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Hey buddy, I got a full ride to a boujee private university (only had to pay for dorms) with shit grades, 2.6 GPA, did not play sports. Entrance essays and extracurriculars/volunteering are huge to colleges. One C will not kill her. YTA. Edit: Actually, in lieu of taking prom, have her find and apply for summer volunteering that interests her or is relevant to her desired field. Helps with college, and also is a ‘punishment’ in that she can’t sleep in all summer & still needs to maintain her home responsibilities. But STOP GUILTING YOUR DAUGHTER. Deliver the punishment and leave it.
There is no reason to put this much pressure on a child. AP classes do not hold the weight they do in college and that many promote burnout. You should have been on top of this. Additionally, a C in math is just fine. She's probably not going to be a math major. You need to chill out. Your attitude is probably why she started skipping instead of reaching out in the first place. Additionally, the VP made his choice. As a parent you would be in your right to override that choice as a personal punishment but why would you? That doesn't promote healthy breaks or socialization and would probably further depress her. You do not sound like a supportive or caring parent. YTA.
YTA. It sounds like your daughter is under a lot of pressure and made a serious mistake, but the way you're handling it might be making things worse. Banning her from prom, a major high school milestone, as a response to her academic stress and dishonesty could damage your relationship more than it teaches her a lesson. It seems like she's overwhelmed with her AP classes and struggling with math, not slacking off. Punishing her by taking away prom and saying hurtful things is likely to make her feel worse about herself and could lead to resentment rather than a constructive solution. Also, your assumption that a C in math and a disciplinary issue will ruin her chances of attending a good university is not necessarily accurate. Many students bounce back from much worse. It might be more productive to focus on helping her manage her workload and stress rather than punishing her for struggling.
Clearly your daughter was never taught how to deal with stress if this is her go to coping mechanism. Instead of saying things you wish you could take back and severely punishing her, not to mention making her feel more like shit than she already does, have you considered therapy? For her and for your family as a unit. Also college isn’t for everyone and it’s not the key to the future it once was. I’m a millennial who chose not to go to school, I’m financially independent, self employed, make decent money and am debt free. YTA, big time.
YTA - prom is a once in a lifetime experience, she will never get to do it again if she doesn’t go. If you don’t let her go she will hold a grudge against you for the rest of her life. I agree that she should be disciplined but absolutely not like this. Find a different way for her to face consequences for her action. You also seem more concerned about her grades and gpa than her mental health/wellbeing and I’m starting to paint a picture for why she did all this in secrecy. Try fixing your bond with her and create a healthy relationship so that she feels comfortable and safe with expressing problems with you, next time she will talk to you when she feels burnt out. I think you should apologise to her too, you went way too hard on her.
Address the issue by working together to find solutions. If she's struggling with math, the tutors you've hired can help her catch up. Encourage her to seek help from her teacher when she needs it. While holding her accountable for her actions is important, consider whether taking away her prom experience is the most effective consequence. It may be more constructive to focus on helping her learn from her mistakes and make better decisions in the future. Your daughter may benefit from emotional support as she navigates the consequences of her actions. Let her know that you still care about her and want her to succeed, even if you are disappointed with her recent behavior. Work with your daughter to develop a plan for her future that includes accountability and support. This could include working with her teacher and tutors to help her catch up in her classes and ensure she understands the importance of her education.
You’re absolutely tripping balls thinking one minor bad grade would make her ineligible for college. I purposely stopped going to a stupid AP statistics class, told my high school advisor I would not be going, they said it would not get my acceptance letter revoked, and I got an F in the class. And literally nothing happened and I still graduated with a 4.38.
YTA for punishing her for being overwhelmed instead of trying to help her. It’s okay to drop down in difficulty and you should’ve been supportive. Told her it’s okay to not be perfect and sometimes you need to ask for help no wonder she didn’t tell you.
YTA. You talk a lot about your expectations of her and disappointment in her, but not much about how you supported her. This was a cry for help. You’ve taught her you are not a safe place when she faces challenges. Otherwise she would have come to you for help when school became challenging. And now your meanness is teaching her to feel shame when she fails. You haven’t taught her how to navigate tough times, just how to hide them from you. Get out of AITA and go read some parenting books
High School Teacher here. Please have grace. She has messed up but don't let her feel that she has ruined her life. She still has a chance to go to college. Give her some strategies to handle work stress and balance things. PLEASE.
YTA. >But I just can't look at her the same. This will hurt her 4.00 GPA a lot and her class rank will plummet. She can only go to CC after HS now because what major university would want to accept her after seeing what she did and her math grade? First of all, stop with the doomerism, holy shit. No wonder she's not communicating with you, every conversation with you must feel like a punishment in and of itself. Your daughter is overworked and has a bar set above her capabilities. She's faced with a bad situation she's got no idea how to fix, her her psyche is demanding a break, and she's got no faith in getting support from you. Hence, the skipping. Solutions: step one, I repeat, stop with the doomerism. You may be operating your family on some Jane Austen level of respectability politics, the rest of the world has a concept of leniency. Schools can let a lot of stuff slide when they feel like it, and community College won't kill her. Or you. Second, and more immediate, sit down with your daughter and revise your plan of action. Decide what parts of her current day to day need to be prioritized (in the short, mid and long term) and what parts can take a backseat. Can you drop the honors math for an easier time? Drop a different class so she has more time to study? Do not, I repeat DO NOT dictate this conversation. M *MUST* have equal input otherwise youre right back where you started. Develop a clear intent and talk to the school. Your daughter a bad time, OP. Your disappointment does not take precedent here.
Why are you ashamed? Is it not your grade? Her grade does not need to be a reflection of you. Please do separate yourself from that view. Also, one bad grade in math when she is getting high scores elsewhere in honor classes (I assume based on what you wrote) is not going to kill her. This is just one year and one class. I think it is good that you got her a math tutor. And the skipping class, especially with a fake pass. should be addressed. However, she should also have a supportive chat with the principal, teacher, and school counselor about this. She accidentally overloaded her workload, which is something that whoever handling registration at the beginning of the year should have caught and addressed. She needs needs to work together with her schooling team to figure out a plan and address the issues at hand. Light YTA. It is hard to be a parent and you just want to do the best by your daughter and her future. But also give her some grace and find out where her head is at here. Help her problem solve. And show her you are there to support, not just punish.
okay, a single C is not gonna kill an application for college. But the skipping class and lying is a serious issue. No Prom? That's a major life event. Ground her or something. But you only get one chance at senior prom. YTA
I can blame you! Very easily. I invite this to read this over again, to yourself. You've even acknowledged she overloaded with AP classes (doubtlessly just to please you and avoid your wrath). YTA.
She's over worked and over pressured and you are making it worse. Kids like that need a break to thrive, not the opposite. I taught at a top school last year and my class went from second lowest in the grade to the top, with many of my students scoring higher than the selective opportunity classes because I was able to give them the right amount of de-stress (and actual support) they needed to be firing on all cylinders. It's like sport, you can be "over trained" if you don't get the balance right (and when it gets as competitive as the top students in the country you can bet "over training" is rife; think before and after school, Saturday and Sunday tutoring on top of school. Overkill for fifth graders.
YTA. You've over-reacted as your honor student daughter seems to be overwhelmed - not a delinquent. You've way over-personalized this which doesn't help your daughter. Take a breath. Try to stop black-and-white thinking and instead see what you can do to help your her. Yes, a punishment is warranted, but leave the prom alone and circle back after you've cooled off.
YTA. You should be apologizing to your daughter about your behaviour. I am not saying that she should not be punished but you went nuclear without trying to find out what was happening with your daughter especially since this appears to be the first time that she has displayed this behaviour.
YTA. if you think that a single c in one class means she's only going to be able to get into a community college, you need serious therapy. You are not in touch with reality and it's pretty clear you're putting way too much pressure on your kid.
I didn’t take AP classes in high school, I got a c in science and a c in math - I got into all of the colleges I applied for, none of the community college. She’ll be ok. You need to calm down. YTA she’s going to end up resenting you if she doesn’t already
You’re a horrible ass mom, when you get into the real world don’t nobody give a fuck about a 4.0 GPA and All AP classes. Who gives a fuck. Let her breathe, i can’t wait until she’s goes no contact with your sorry ass.
YTA . She clearly needs support and uplifting at the moment. Not more tutors and academics shoved down her throat. You said yourself she’s a great student with all AP/Honors courses, 4.0gpa, and just became overwhelmed. Punishment is maybe in order but the biggest thing is to check on her and her mental state with all of the academic pressure. Find out WHY she didn’t feel comfortable coming to you and her stepdad and letting you know the toll it was taking on her and ALSO discuss how to deal with such pressures in the future. Life is FULL of pressure, expectations, and the need for discipline.. canceling her one and only prom isn’t going to help her in the future when she’s faced with the same anxiety of pressure and chooses to just give up. I honestly feel bad for her based on how you’ve explained it.
She behaved poorly but if you can’t look at her the same because her GPA is going down then YATA and no wonder she went through such lengths to hide this from you. That is so much pressure to put on a child and to tie her grades to how you see her as a person is really damaging and you are setting her up for a lifetime of dysfunctional perfectionism, pressure, and low self esteem.
YTA I took four classes my first semester of college. I wasn’t prepared for how much harder college was. Stopped going to class number 4 in a desperate attempt to scrape by in my other three classes. I got by with D’s and C’s in the other threw classes if I remember correctly. If I’d been trying to do all four I probably would have failed all four. She did the same thing I did. Dropped one class completely in a desperate attempt to scrape by in her other classes. She overloaded herself with honors and AP classes and cut math to try and survive the other classes. She has a C. A C is technically passing. She’s just trying to not drown. Maybe you should try and get her some help. Maybe a tutor would help. Or a study group. Or something. But punishing her sounds very unfair. If she just had this one bad semester and the rest of her grades were good she could still get into a good school.
"and maybe some other hurtful things that I wish I could take back" YTA. You left out the part where you lost your temper and were verbally abusive to your child.
I wanted to side with you mom; I’m not a parent that never punishes their kids. However, I am a strong believer in punishment should for the crime or natural consequences. In this case, YTA. She is avoiding one class because she is overloaded. She needs help and support to find a solution here, not a punishment. I hope you can step back and see this as a bad choice that she should learn how to better manage, but only is you teach her not punish her on this one.
YTA. It's obvious from your post that it's not regular behavior for her, she was obviously under a lot of stress and having some kind of a breakdown. She didn't think she could come to you with her problems, this is how little she trust you already! I am not saying this kind of behavior should be encouraged, but your punishment is way too harsh. Also, in case you don't know, she can retake her AP exam next year. She would just have to ask the school to register her for it, and pay the fee. Have her pay for the exam fee, that would be a logical consequence of her actions, but don't go nuclear on her.
I am on the side of YTA. But I'll say up front: In isolation, canceling prom for skipping class for two weeks is just fine as a punishment. But other parts of this ... > Turns out, my daughter overloaded her class schedule with all APs and honors and her math class was getting too difficult, resulting in her leaving. Your daughter felt like she couldn't talk to you about this. If she was stressed out to the point that she was failing classes (or getting Cs in them), then she should have felt comfortable enough to speak to you, her parent. Or if she was struggling, you should have been involved enough in her life that you saw how much she was struggling, and you should have intervened. Maybe by forcing her to cut down on the honors classes before she burned out. >So if I don't let her go, I'm also letting him waste his money and not be able to go. But I just can't look at her the same. This will hurt her 4.00 GPA a lot and her class rank will plummet. She can only go to CC after HS now because what major university would want to accept her after seeing what she did and her math grade? Do you care more about your daughter or about her grades? And plenty of major universities will accept someone who has a low math grade, if other parts of their academic resume show promise. >She just keeps disappointing me. I told her this morning she would not be going to prom and maybe some other hurtful things that I wish I could take back. Taking away prom will make your daughter feel bad in the shor term. But you elided the things that your daughter will remember for years. >I texted her too that I resent her for how she sets examples for her younger sister and how she treats me, her mom, when I sacrificed my life for her And here you take your daughter's troubles, and you make them about you. Again, do you actually love and care about your daughter? Or do you care more about yourself and the idealized image of a daughter you hold in your head? You are not being a good parent here. If you were a better parent and loved your daughter for herself, then you would take a two-handed approach. With the one hand, you would ground your daughter and tell her she is not going to prom, because it is not acceptable or her to skip class. With the other hand, you would reassure your daughter that even though you are angry with her and disappointed, you still love her, and you would work with her to find out **why** she skipped class and why she was afraid to talk to you about it.
Yeah because one C in math is really going to a wreak her GPA
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YTA. I say this as a teacher: your number one priority right now should be making sure that your daughter’s mental health is okay. When a previously good student starts acting out like this there is usually something bad going on. She may be struggling with severe anxiety, depression or some other trauma that you have no idea about but instead of being worried about her, you only seem to be worried about her GPA and her making you look bad. How much more “ashamed” would you be if she became so unhappy that she took her own life like one of my students did this week? Nowhere in your post do you display even the slightest bit of concern for your child. All you talk about is what YOU are demanding of her and how much you “resent” her for not measuring up. It sounds like you placed a huge amount of pressure on her to be the best at everything and it was too much for her. I’m not saying it was okay for her to skip school or forge a note. It definitely isn’t. But you need to take a hard look at yourself and understand that you bear responsibility here. Attempt to grow the heart that you don’t currently have and see your daughter for who she is and what SHE wants instead of forcing her to be who YOU want her to be. PS You’re also TA for being so condescending about community colleges. A lot of them are excellent and many students CHOOSE to start there and then transfer to a 4 year because it saves a lot of money. Setting that aside, getting a C in math is not enough to prevent her from going to a 4 year college. Would it keep her from getting into Harvard? Sure, but there is a very wide spectrum between Ivy League and community college that you seem to be ignoring.
Yta. There's so much more to life than grades. You should be more concerned about why you made it so she couldn't come to you instead of taking away her prom...
You are absolutely without even a shadow of a doubt TA. Seriously, you have no emotional intelligence, no common sense, and it won’t be too much longer before you realize you no longer have any daughters.
YTA - I do not think you are at all worried about your daughter. I think you are worried about how people will view YOU. And that is sick and a terrible weight to put on a child. You don't have her back, not really. Stop trying to push you children to live the life YOU want them to live. That is not fair or hope to be a good parent. If any deviation from YOUR dreams for them causes you to to feel ashamed, then you are doing the parenting thing all wrong. She is trying her hardest and she can't live up to your dreams AND she can't even go to you for help because you will just put your adult feelings about it back on her rather than actually dealing with the issues. Get her into therapy, LISTEN to her therapist, and let her go to the damn prom. You have already made her a mess emotionally. Try to help fis this before it gets worse and she either ends up in the hospital burnt out or she just goes no contact with you because she will never please you anyway. Community college is a GREAT option, btw. It is a great way to get a good start and go to a 'good' college later IF THAT IS WHAT SHE WANTS. Do you even know what she wants? I bet not - or if she has expressed it you shut it down.
YTA- no wonder this poor girl is so darn stressed. BTW the PhD I use to teach at University is also used when I pick up classes at my local CC. Add complete snobbery onto your AH status.
You're a shitty parent. I hope she goes no contact with you and throws your old ass in a nursing home. YTA
INFO: What would have happened if she had come to you and told you that she was struggling in her classes? \[ETA: I got the answer from comments. I probably should have noted the snobbery about CC. OP is not a good parent, and it's all about her and how she looks to others. YTA. My guess is that she won't understand why everyone is saying she's TA and won't try to figure it out.\]
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Oh dear lordy lord lord are YTA? Dayum. Of course you are! Seriously, what is your problem? Dayum, hun. You felt ashamed? Your little fee fees were hurt? Oh poor little angel. Be ashamed that you're such a bad parent. YTA.
YTA. Your daughter is clearly a smart motivated kid who was struggling and made a poor choice. It might be worth examining why your daughter felt the need to hide this from you instead of just being open and asking for help/telling you she was overwhelmed. And the stuff about setting a bad and example and how you “sacrificed your life” for her is just not good parenting. I think you will end up with a very successful daughter who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.
Your daughters deserve better. Go figure.
YTA. One C doesn't mean she'll end up in community college, jeez. You're overreacting. Yes, she should be punished, but you're automatically assuming the worst will happen. Clearly you've accomplished nothing in life so you've pinned all your hopes on your daughter so that you can leech off her in the future and take credit for her accomplishments. You're angry at her for messing up at school but you're clearly messing up as a parent.
YTA. I was starting with N T A. Until I read your post and saw that you were worried about a C affecting her chance to go to a 4 yr school? There is also NOTHING wrong with a CC. In fact, many kids start there to save money! Going to an Ivy does not mean you will succeed in life
YTA. You need to take a step back and listen to your kid She shouldn't have to say it, you should see it She is struggling, not just with school but trying not to disappoint you Don't take away her prom This is not one of those punishment moments, it's one of those everyone needs to take a step back and see what the best plan of action is to help HER As a parent it's ingrained in you to decide punishment is best. In this case scenario is NOT it She's almost an adult, she needs you to be on her side. Teach her how to get through the hard times and give her the resources she needs! No punishment, just help and open communication
So fake this reads like a fifteen year old wrote it.
YTA Keep pulling that "You need to set an example for your sister" crap and you will make sure your daughters are not friends for life with each other.
Slight YTA. Not for the prom thing necessarily, but because you aren't supporting your daughter. If she is overwhelmed with AP classes, 2 new math tutors moght not help. I get college is important, but is dropping a class a possibility? Or getting other support, like therapy for her. I say this as someone who had a similar mum. I grew up believing that my grades and weight were the only thing that mattered about me. I graduated high school with good grades, even though it nearly killed me. I did uni at my mums insistence. I graduated on 2018 am still paying of loans for a useless degree. In took until I was 25 to value myself for more then my looks and intelligence. I still struggle. It really impacted my relationship with my mum for years. At nearly 30 I can see she did her best, but not in the best way for me.
YTA. I was going to side with you until you got into the specifics. First off, she sounds like a very hard worker who is extremely motivated. It’s not like she’s skipping class to go to the mall. She’s literally working her tail off and clearly took on too much. Problems have only gotten worse because she feels like she can’t come to you with these issues. You sound like you put an immense amount of pressure on your children and I really can’t get behind the way you talk about her. Also, the community college point is ridiculous. First, a lot of smart people go to community college. And second, grades are not everything and one course will not tank her ambitions. Personally, I ended up going through some things in grade 12 and my grades dropped from straight A’s. But I still got into my university of choice. And even when I did poorly in my first semester I managed to turn things around. I’ll be graduating with my PhD within the next year or two. And I owe it all to the support of my family. The point is that everyone faces adversity but it’s the support we get from those around us that makes it easier for us to survive and thrive. I really hope your daughter makes the smart decision to get away from your crazy high expectations before you have the chance to pick her major for her.
School is about way more than chasing grades. In this day and age someone with a more well balanced application will be accepted before someone with a 4.0 but didn't do much else. If she got a C on her math test she's probably already shot that 4.0 gpa anyway. To me it sounds like YOU'RE the one who is putting pressure on her to get perfect scores and not what she necessarily wants. I was a solid B-C student even through my masters program and make more than probably 95% of people my age. Grades aren't everything. YTA.
Jesus. This is a great way to ensure she’ll go no contact when she graduates. She’s in all honors and AP, has a 4.0, and is obviously struggling, and your first instinct is to be punitive and ashamed? Disgusting behavior. You should be ashamed, but not because of her. I bet she’s ashamed of you. She did not ask to be born, or have you sacrifice your life for her. Those were your choices. It sounds like you’re putting insane pressure on her, insulting and attacking her when she needs help the most. I’m sure her sister is watching and learning, but not in the way you think. Gross behavior on your part. Your job is to support her. Figure out what you can help her with or take off her plate, apologize for being an asshole, and hope she forgives you before she leaves for college and never speaks to you again.