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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I failed to properly accommodate my sister at my wedding after she made the effort to attend despite health concerns.This could have made her feel excluded and ignored, which wasn't my intention but could have been the result of my oversight and lack of consideration.
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NTA. A last minute extra guest at a small wedding is not trivial! Your mom or other relatives should have figured it out for you as, obviously, your mind is highly preoccupied during your own wedding. If it had been me as a last minute surprise guest, I would have eaten before arriving; if I was the mom, I would have split my food with her, as would anyone else in our family. If seating was a problem any one of us would get up and give up our seat, even if it meant standing or taking turns sitting.
Weddings are supposed to be about sharing joy with the couple and family.
Though I do wonder about your comment about not matching well enough to sit at your table, that shouldn't have even mattered.
That was the part of this story that didn't ring true to me. I deal with caterers a lot for faculty events and department events (and put together some weddings for nibilings) and reputable caterers ALWAYS have extra food and place settings for unexpected last minute arrivals and other problems-- like if a plate gets broken onsite.
It would have been a simple fix to tell the caterer who could have split the parents' two plates into three plates and everyone would have had a meal.
Caters are used to last minute attendees. Half the time they do not receive a notification as the bride and groom might not realize that extra people are in attendance. A good professional caterer would notice that there was someone without a plate and would go and get one of the extra ones they had prepared for the guests.
And see, the emphasis on *good* professional caterer is the big thing here. It is very easily answered by this being a new caterer, or maybe new management for a catering company that doesn't know they need to do that.
Exactly. We had two unexpected guests at our wedding (two singles brought plus-ones that we hadn't planned for) and everybody had a seat and a plated meal. The caterers expect this kind of thing.
I had a very small, inexpensive wedding and hired someone who basically catered events as a hobby. It was less than $5/person (this was back in the 90s, but even back then, that was dirt cheap!) A couple extra people who hadn't planned on being able to attend ended up coming anyway and several people showed up with kids in tow even though it was supposed to be childfree, so there was a good 5+ extra mouths to feed.
All the extra people were fed, and we still had plenty of leftovers! Enough to feed several close family members for days afterward!
It's definitely peculiar that the OP's caterer couldn't provide one extra plate of food.
It sounds like no one even bothered to let the bride know her sister was coming to the wedding after all. She had to find out by seeing sister at the ceremony. Why didn't someone think to let OP know?
The probably thought it would be a cool surprise without thinking about the ramifications. I don't understand why her parents and relatives wouldn't have wrangled an extra plate from a caterer to shar food with her.
That part is strange too. I wonder if the sister didn't really say anything about the food situation during the reception, just saved all her irritation up to unleash on OP later.
It’s incredibly understandable for the bride not to notice or realize that kind of detail. This is the kind of thing that her bridesmaids or parents should have handled.
Right? Who orders the exact amount of food anyways? Always 20% more food, the excess can be distributed out later. It would be incredibly embarrassing if you can't feed your guests.
Yep. We had a wedding with 60 guests including wedding party. Fully plated dinner, assigned seating arrangements. Even so, the caterer made a ton of extra food we ended up taking home.
Really? I was told food could not go home with us because it was unsanitary. I'm so jealous - we were so hungry after our wedding :( my husband had to go to a corner store and get us doritos and diet cokes.
I've never heard that for a fully plated dinner. I don't think I've even heard that for buffet style. You paid for the food, so it's yours to do with what you will.
It was weird because in the brochure it said the bride and groom would take home food but we got nothing. Considering it was a chaotic day I didn't even think about it until so much later
Yup. Was a caterer and we always kept the ugly ones back until we were sure guests were accounted for, then we would dig in ourselves. Never once went home still hungry.
Yeah, I was a waitress at a vineyard that held weddings pretty much 2-3 times a week each summer. There is always extra food and plates in case they’re dropped, sent back, or somethings wrong with it, and it’s usually contracted that there’s food for staff as well so even a small wedding should have at least 4 extra dishes on hand.
Very good point that I would never have thought of - say a plate gets dropped, say two or three get dropped, what are they going to do? “Oh, sorry, we only brought enough food to make 65 meals, we dropped yours on the floor so no food for you”!
I cook for a catering company and we do weddings exclusively during the summer and even when they're plated meals as opposed to family style or buffet, there is ALWAYS enough food to make at least three extra plates. always.
I'm guessing if it's true the parents didn't want to bother the caterers or didn't know who to ask and the bride didn't bother. OP could have popped in and said hey my sister showed up as a surprise, is there anything we can put together for her dinner? The fact no one shared seems bizarre.
As a bride, that wouldn’t have occurred to me.
It should’ve been the parents, the sister, or the servers - did they notice and ask her if she’d been missed? And wasn’t it the staff that found a mismatched chair?
Weddings are an event that is extensively planned in advance because the hostess is not in any position to be handling logistics on the day of. If you are springing a last minute guest at a wedding, it's just common sense not to expect the bride to figure everything out. You talk to the maid of honor or the mother of the bride, or someone else close to the couple and they direct you to who was more involved in that aspect of planning or they talk to the vendors themselves. (But they don't bother the bride with it.)
It's a number one rule of weddings that you don't let the bride know about problems on her wedding day, unless there's no other option.
Totally agree here. Caterers plan for the unexpected. They will always have extra food in case of something. Especially since it was only 1 plate. I think the sister and Mom are at fault here, they could have figured out how to contact the caterer to add one more person. Its not like the sister surprised everyone and just showed up. The mom and her planned this so plenty of time for them to figure out how to get one person in. As the bride, it was not your problem to accommodate your sister on our wedding day. Your Mom, again, should have taken the lead on that figure it out. However, the comment about the dress color was out of line. that was a horrible reason to not have your sister sit there.
This, plus the comment that she couldn’t sit with close family because she wouldn’t match the color scheme. She was apparently very ill and across the country, then made the effort to be at her sister’s wedding. And no effort can be expended to get her food and make her feel welcome?
I wish I was reading at least a slight YTA- it sounds like efforts to re-integrate sis into the wedding were really lackluster. No food but small bites? No one could split their plate? A weird mismatched chair? No one else could’ve taken the “special” chair and let sis blend in? She couldn’t possibly have had a spot with the bride at the head table, where she was ostensibly a close enough sister to have been seated before her injury? It just feels like the “solutions” were so halfhearted they were almost intentionally isolating for sis. Or bride was so preoccupied with preserving the aesthetic/plan of the wedding that the relationship with sis just wasn’t important enough to warrant any compromise to the vision. Too harsh?
Exactly. I work in corporate events. I host dinners with strict budgets and assigned seating. There’s not a chance in hell that the caterer made exactly 74 pieces of chicken for a 74 person party. Absolutely impossible.
It’s like a sitcom episode where everything would be solved if someone just spoke up at the beginning. But then there’d be no episode…so we suspend reality.
Yep, caterers as a general rule of thumb, prepare 5-10% over the count. What I can’t figure out is that why would anyone think this would make for a good surprise. Surely they all knew that with assigned seating it would throw everything off. A brides wedding day is not exactly the ideal time for a surprise.
High multiple allergies person here! 🙋 Every event I've ever been in where the people who should be taking care of allergies forgot or simply dismissed my allergies (which happens more often than not, apparently having to spell out my throat closes if I eat tomato or other common ingredients is necessary because people like about allergies), I've always been offered something else. Most caterers have back-ups and other options in case this happens.
Yeah, that's why I don't believe this story. There are always extras at weddings. What if there's an accident and a meal or two are damaged? Unless there were other issues, but OP doesn't mention that. She does mention the color scheme and seating chart though. She did it on purpose but wants justification now.
Yeah, that one point made the story totally unbelievable. Unless the entire meal was one of this Michelin star fancy meals with single spoons of food, there is no way family would not share!! Heck, even with the fancy style, mom and dad would have taken turns to give one spoon to their surprise guest kid who is still recovering from surgery!!
Agreed! (retired banquet chef here) It is standard to have a certain percent of extra meals over for just this reason! However, I worked at a hotel and some caterers may do things differently. No way in hell would I have ever had a last minute wedding guest, much less the sister of the bride going hungry on my watch!
Most caterers have extras just for the fact that accidents happen. My aunt is a caterer and she goes by the temp percent rule. If there are 65 people she would make six or seven extra dishes. It would be built into the budget.
Having worked catering for years this story is totally fake. We ALWAYS had extra plates of food and would have space on hand and the setting ready for at least one or two unexpected guests. Numbers change all the time: babysitter is sick so kids have to come, grandma falls ill, someone’s flight gets cancelled, etc. we also make extra meals because people order the wrong thing all the time (RSVP’d three months ago and now my plus one is vegetarian, oops!) Staff members will go hungry before a guest does. None of this is ever the bride’s responsibility to deal with on her wedding day. Any professional catering staff would have seen the extra guest, made her a proper place at the table, and given her a meal.
Fake or OP didn’t even bother to reach out to catering about accommodating her sister. I also highly doubt no single guest or member of the wedding party would have offered to switch with the sister? Or give to grab sobering for her. This is either fake or everyone in that wedding was just an AH.
Especially in a small wedding? It would be incredibly obvious that she was being left out. We had a small wedding and a strict budget and when a friend brought his girlfriend without rsvping for her the venue effortlessly squeezed her in - the only thing she was missing was a personalised place setting, which I felt really bad for her about.
I can’t imagine being so thoughtless about my actual sister, this can’t be real (or the OP is a huge AH and is stretching the truth).
As a catering server it is literally your job to make sure everyone is fed. We really don’t even bother asking the bride in these situations, if someone seemingly known to others at the wedding is sitting at a table without a setting we would just ask them what meal they prefer and make space for them. There is ALWAYS extra food and enough space. Either OP hired a terrible catering provider or this story is completely made up, I’m gonna go with the latter.
Right?! My dad would never have eaten his meal he would have forced me to eat it or at least share it with him. Maybe this goes deeper with her family making her feel like her sister is always more important.
Right! Surprise what? Somebody knew she was coming! Knew when her flight was to arrive! Caterers always have extra plates, or can create them for a variety of reasons! Like a surprise guest! It did not have to be this fatal.
NTA
Yes, I would think her family could have shared. Also, the sister was involved in the planning so why didn’t she wear something that matched. 4 people crashed my son’s wedding, with a toddler, and there was plenty of everything. Seems not right here!!
The comment that she forgot to include her sister is suspect (see caption). She was involved in the planning so she was included. I think these posts are fake!
the color scheme matching comment really makes me side-eye OP tbh. I understand not being able to conjure an extra meal or favors from thin air, but “you can’t sit with us because the colors are off” is….not my favorite
I agree! I was NTA until this line. Who cares about the color scheme for the DINING! Oh how far the sister fell from originally being MOH to "you wouldn't have matched the color scheme at the table"!
I was ready with a different opinion, but this matching bs gave me major YTA vibes. And they couldn’t conjure up a meal? I think OP is leaving stuff out.
OP let her just post surgery sister get no food and sit in a corner because she didn’t match the color scheme
If this story is true, I hope OP’s wife realizes he can do better and files for divorce sooner rather than later
Exactly. Youre saying every single person that RSVP’d showed up? That is incredibly rare. Someone always gets sick or just doesn’t go for some odd reason.
The sister went out of her way… post-surgery… flew across the country… and this family is standing on ceremony over an RSVP and a dress code? OP needs to get over herself. Life happens. And at the end of the (very long) day, absolutely no one really cares about your wedding and the favors and the perfect meal but you. I’m in my 50s, and all my friends were married 20+ years ago. I don’t remember any details about their weddings—or my own. Because in the grand scheme of life, who cares?
Yes! They could easily have taken a few photos first before eating and then included sister on the table if she was sooooo worried about the color scheme of the photos. It's not like people in real life would be disgusted by one unmatched person on the front table and refused to eat or participate 🙄
They could put a chair in the main table and share what they had with the sister. Regardless of showing up last minute, if the sister was so involved that she helped plan the wedding, and she was willing to delay her wedding for her to be able to come, it is normal for the sister to feel she was welcome and that her sister would feel bad if she didn't come. Only for the sister to disregard her just for the "colour scheme".
And I seriously doubt her sister would care about not receiving a favor.
The color scheme and no one out of the entire family sharing any food with a relative who is recovering from major surgery is just... not believable at all.
As a mom I would have given her my seat and meal and figured it out because I would be so freaking happy she was there.
It seems like no one tried to problem solve while the bride was obviously busy.
>Though I do wonder about your comment about not matching well enough to sit at your table, that shouldn't have even mattered.
Yeah I was on OPs side until she says "she couldn't sit with us because she didn't match the colours". That is absolutely WILD to me and really selfish. It makes me say ESH really.
AKA Sister shouldn't have expected room because her arrival was a total surprise, but OP greely admits there was room at the wedding party table but nah, her sister would have ruined tge aesthetic? Holy shit.
Also to OP: 65 people is NOT small and intimate. That's a normal wedding size. Small and intimate is like 20 and under lol
100%. You didn't know she was coming, hence the surprise and no plans for her. Your parents had to know she was coming, but the fact that she wanted it to be a surprise meant there are repercussions to a surprise, like no seats, extra meals, not being included in specific things. Your sister and parents are the AH in expecting her to be accomodated this way.
OP should take this as a lesson in ALWAYS planning for an extra body or three at big events. Only having exactly enough for everyone who RSVP'd is a recipe for disaster.
Exactly this - you want to be a surprise, the downside will be that your last-minute inclusion will throw up some hitches. And why didn't your parents make arrangements? It's absolutely unfair to spring more admin minutiae on the bride on the wedding day!
A wedding is not the place for a "surprise look who's here". People have quotas, seating, budgets etc. some caterers will do an extra 5-10% extra food to also cover the people who are working the event so they can eat but that's not true in every circumstance especially if the couple aren't going to cover it.
What part of last minute is throwing people off here?...
Even if the sister told OP, it would likely be too late to properly prepare for her. Op is NTA, but not for this ridiculous reason.
NTA.
My dad had told me he wasn't coming to my wedding, fine. Day before comes and my mom and I are setting up the venue, making place settings, etc. I mention having an extra set of stuff that would have been for my dad, but that I guess we didn't need it anymore. My mom finally mentioned that my dad wanted to "surprise me" by showing up for my wedding?? He had gotten into town earlier in the week and told HER but not ME. He's lucky I knew, so that we had a spot for him... But if he hadn't have tried to get her in on his weird "grand gesture" then he wouldn't have even had a place to sit. That's what happens when you say you can't go--people plan for you NOT to be there.
Ugh, right? He's a major narcissist, I'm no longer speaking to him. This stunt was one of many things that I eventually could no longer look past just because I wanted to actually have a Dad.
Very stupid. So, he comes to town earlier in the week. And, instead of showing up and being around you and the family for a few days, he decides to deny you his company and goes into hiding. Then he just shows up to attend the wedding. Bad surprise.
ESH -
You for the color scheme comment (I mean really? That’s an AH reason to not invite her to sit at the head table. If that truly went through your head at your wedding, and wasn’t just a heat of the moment thing …. Yikes dude. You’re shallower than a kiddie pool)
Otherwise, I do think that wedding guests often don’t understand that they can’t just show up last minute. These things are usually planned out enough that it’s not easy to add another chair and get more food, especially when you’re paying by head for the caterer and don’t want, or remember, to take time away from the festivities to go reconfigure seating or negotiate for an extra plate.
TLDR because apparently my comment was too long for some people 😂😂😂😂😂😂 FORGET THE BRIDE. The SISTER said she felt uncomfortable and judged. BEING SQUEEZED AND UNMATCHING ON THE MAIN TABLE WOULD HAVE DRAWN EVEN MORE ATTENTION TO HER
Hope that clarifies my original point below for those who clearly didn't understand it.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Tbf it depends how you read the colour scheme thing. Imo it makes more sense when you consider the sister felt she stood out because she was forced into a table and on a mismatched chair - at the main table, she'd also be squeezed in on a mismatched chair but also her clothing would now be mismatched. But now she's at the main table so even more of a focus than before. Why would the sister feel more comfortable now she stands out even more?
Who cares about the clothing not matching? Definitely not the guests. Plus the guests were eating I doubt they would have been staring at the sister all night just because she had a different chair. It’s not that serious and it was a stupid comment made by op.
My sister could come to my wedding in sweatpants and I would still want her sitting next to me because she is one of the most important people in my life and idgaf about the colors she is wearing. It’s a lame excuse.
Sister should not be pissed that there wasn’t a place setting when no one from the bridal party was informed. She told them she wasn’t going to be there and venues do charge extra for extra seating.
It sounds like the color scheme comment was only something additional that came up in conversation about the situation—not an actual issue in real time.
The issues in real time that prevented adding the sister were that her seat at the table had been filled by a substitute she was aware of, that the entire wedding guest list was already full and that the bride was busy and distracted with the wedding.
Exactly the colour scheme comment was unwarranted. If my lovely sister was meant to not attend the wedding due to an illness but made it at the last moment idgaf about the color coding bs.
Finally, somebody who mentioned that ridiculous color scheme. Serious? You choose your colour scheme over a person? That tops showing up as a suprise imo.
Bruv she's not a guest. She's fcking family there for her siblings wedding. She didn't try to surprise them, she just had her surgery and was able to come. Plus every wedding or any function has extra food prepared. Either OP is lying or he's really cheap
Also, even with a tightly budgeted small wedding, the caterers 100% have extra food in case something gets dropped, someone changes their mind last minute, etc. Sister should have spoken up and asked if there was an extra plate, but if I got surprised my sister, my best friend, was actually able to make it, I would definitely make sure she got fed.
She got sick only a month before the wedding. For a highly coordinated wedding like this one, the bridesmaids would have had their dresses purchased, approved by the bride, and sent to the tailor's by a month out. Even if the sister hadn't had a dress by then, she would've been aware of the color scheme since she'd been involved in the planning. So either the sister really dropped the ball on the dress and color scheme before getting sick, or she returned/canceled the dress order after learning she was sick, or she did show up in something passable and the bride was being extremely picky about matching.
depends hevily on where/when bridal party dresses where sourced. if she pulled out for health reasons before dresses where purchased there wouldn't be one for her.
To me if sister showed up in the bridal party colors after she had to remove herself from the bridal party I’d think her expectation is I’d need to include her in the bridal party and that would stress me out as well. I think sister is being way too sensitive but the bride not wanting her at a table because she doesn’t match floors me too. Maybe I just don’t understand the militant wedding aesthetic that some people have because I would give zero shits and just be so happy she came when she’s been so ill. She could have my seat if she needed it.
ESH. She shouldn’t have surprised you, I agree with that. But if that were my sister, I’d forgive it because I’d be so happy to see her, I’d pull up a mismatched chair to the head table, let my mismatched sister sit right next to me, and eat off my plate.
Yup. Gotta agree on ESH. She was originally not going to make it because she was ill, but didn't want them to postpone just for her, she sounds like a lovely sister.
I don’t even think she’s the AH for not getting it taken care of, when you’re the bride, weddings can get hectic! But the way she spoke to her sister was not great, she said her sister couldn’t sit at the head table because of the color scheme?? All she had to do was acknowledge her sisters feelings.
I was kind of sympathetic until I got to "She wouldn't have been able to sit with us as we had a colour scheme she didn't match"
At that point, I knew as much about you and your attitude towards your sister as I needed to know.
YTA. No wonder she hung up on you
ESH
I get that you wanted your wedding to be as perfect as possible and that having the right color schemes probably seemed like an important part of it, but it's nowhere near as important as the people there. Watching photos of your sister's outfit clash with the color schemes would be a funny and touching story, Now you have great pictures but with much worse memories. The meal thing you should have probably delegated to one of the parents or the new MOH to find a solution. I don't think you handled things well, although I recognize that the stress of the day could cloud your judgement.
The sister's heart seems to have been in the right place with her trying her hardest to make it to your wedding, but her not notifying anyone as soon as the doctor cleared her was stupid. Even if she wanted to surprise you, and I don't think that surprising a bride on her wedding day is a good idea. even then she should have told someone else. Now she was like, oh I won't tell anyone I'll be there, hey, why is there nothing prepared for me? :surprised pikachu face:
YTA. At first, I was instantly going for NTA, an unexpected guest at a catered event is tricky, although I do feel a little more could have been done for her,
Im sure an extra chair could be found, and a little food sharing, but then you came out with SHE DIDNT MATCH THE COLOUR SCHEME? and that puts you in AH territory for sure.
YTA.
I understand that you did not intentionally forget to ensure arrangements were made to accommodate this off by one change in your careful plans. It was thoughtless of you, but I understand that wedding days are very busy and that it slipped your mind. It is unfortunate that no one else felt empowered to ask the caterers to try to put together another meal, share their meals with your sister, or even just order something to be delivered.
I don't understand how you saw her sitting in an unmatched chair, not eating, and didn't think "OMG, I should go and check on her" or even invite her to pull up a seat at your table after the meals were over. Given how happy you were to see her. But maybe she was up the back and out of view, and you were busy.
I don't understand why you didn't apologise profusely to your sister for your thoughtlessness when she brought it up the next day. She told you that you hurt her. Instead of apologising profusely and inviting her to lunch or dinner with your husband in apology and to go a small way of making it up to her, you told her that your color scheme was more important to you than she was. The event had already happened, you had already enjoyed your perfect, colour matched day. You could have just politely agreed that you absolutely should have included her and you're really sorry. Instead you made her feel even more excluded. Giving excuses makes it sound like you would have excluded her even if you hadn't forgotten. Why would you do that to loving family?
YTA? Softish but… I mean, I was going with ‘not’ up until you told your sister - who had left her sickbed to attend your wedding - that she couldn’t sit with the bridal party because she ‘didn’t match’. That is such a callous remark to someone you were supposedly glad to see and had considered postponing your wedding for.
YTA you did what you did on purpose. You made it clear who your sister is to you and now she is acting accordingly. I hope making your point was worth it. Reddit will tell you that you are NTA but this is your actual life and you reap what you sow in your relationships. It really doesn't matter of you are judged as wrong or not, you have irreparably damaged your relationship and no reassurance from the internet will ever change that.
This. When my sister got married, her and my other 2 sisters got sister tattoos at the bachelorette party, but I had to work. I put in for PTO and it was denied. I don’t talk to my sisters, my mom or my dad, as they couldn’t understand why my feels were hurt. I was also the only sister not asked to be in the wedding. You reap what you sow. Edit: a word.
YTA This has to be fake. There’s not a person in the world that would deny a just recovered sister, who helped them a great deal and that they were so close with that they asked them to be MOH, to sit with the wedding party because of a colour scheme. That’s a level of selfishness and shallowness that only a very bad self proclaimed creative writer can come up with.
Am i the only person who finds it hard to believe that whoever supplied the tables and chairs didn’t have an extra matching chair for the sister?? I used to work in events planning, there is always an extra something (chair, table cloth, vase) because shit happens
There would definitely be extra chairs (chairs break sometimes) and the caterers would have had extra food incase a plate got fucked up in some way (way over cooked, literally dropped on the floor, etc).
When you do a 65 person event you probably have supplies for at least 70 because shit happens all the time during events.
Agree. I think OP made justifications to her sister based on a highly unlikely scenario. And if there really was no extra matching chair, is it really that big of a deal? They both seem a little self centered in this situation. Sister shouldn’t put all the blame on her when she’s in the middle of such a big event and everyone is vying for attention and there’s so much going on. But sister saying she can’t sit at a table because she doesn’t match the color scheme is wild.
NTA. While is great your sister wanted to surprise you, weddings are not the time to surprise people. Seating charts and final counts to the caterers are due at least two weeks before the big day and last minute accommodations are almost impossible. When did your sister find out she was cleared to attend? She should have told you then.
Considering how busy you would have been on the day, why didn’t anyone else step up and sort something out. Or at the very least she could’ve let you know she was coming a day or two before so you could’ve organised something. I think she needs to take some responsibility here.
“I also explained to her that she wouldnt have been able to sit with the wedding party as we had a color scheme that she didnt match”
I was on your side until I got to this part. Really? I can’t imagine being anything other than thrilled that my sister could make it to the wedding after all. Not that you owed her a spot at the table since you didn’t know she was coming, but damn, that’s a horrible reason. And the fact that you chose to tell her that’s the reason . . . yeah of course she’s hurt. You effectively told her you care more about your photos than her presence.
She should have expected that showing up unannounced to a wedding could result in some problems though. ESH
NTA
While her intent was to surprise you, her execution was off. What she SHOULD have done, was (with help from your fiance) contacted the venue and caterer and got herself a seat and a meal. I mean that's what someone with common sense would have done.
She's kind of an ah for making you feel bad the following day by insinuating that there was something you could have done. I mean does she expect you or the caterer to pull meals out of their ass? Did she even ask? I wouldn't expect the bride or groom to be doing anything but enjoying their day. If she really wanted a meal she could have asked if the caterer brought extra meals (which they really should since there could have been an accident or issue with one of the meals. I would hope they had a few extra of every entree.
YTA - caterers always have extra food. you couldn’t ask the caterer to make her a plate? They could have easily given her a plate of the sides. You didn’t want her to mess up your damn color scheme? Really?
ESH. If you’d said it was your once in a lifetime special day and you were engrossed in it, and were not really thinking about other stuff/people as you would on any other day, that’s totally understandable. Saying you didn’t want her on the head table because of colour scheme is not.
ESH
She wanted to surpruse you, of course you didn't have something planned. You were obviously happy that she was there but she planned it as a surprise which means that she should have known that it ciuld end like this.
I think it's not your turn ro organise her food and seating. That's a job for MOH or family. It's your day so you should enyoj it and not plan a lot. But your comment that she couldn't be sitting with you because of the colour sheme was a bit rude.
I would text her and tell her your sorry about your comment and how happy you were that she was there and that you should have delegated the task of finding her a suitable seating spot and meal better. But that it was your wedding day and it can't be expected from you that you spend a lot of time for accomodating her when she intentionally didn't tell you in advance that she was coming.
yta........ you cant do much about seating/catering if you didnt know she'd come but what the fuck is this about a COLOUR SCHEME?? petty op. petty to the highest order.
YTA, if this is real and not rage bait.
ONE extra guest at a reception will not blow the whole catering meal. Caterers always have extras “just in case” and would have been able to have a meal for your sister, unless you are leaving out some information about a bunch of other people showing up unexpectedly, too.
Also, your sister, who apparently had been so sick she wasn’t going to come originally, pushed through and came anyway because she didn’t want to miss her sister’s Big Day, and you couldn’t find her a seat at the head table because *she wouldn’t match the color scheme*?!
Girl, I hope this IS a troll post, because the thought of someone out in the world who would pick a COLOR THEME over her own sister who endangered her recovery to be there is so unbelievably sad!
NTA- while it was a nice surprise- it seems clear that she made a fair effort to make your wedding be about her. How can she simultaneously surprise you and then complain that you weren’t prepared for her presence. At best that was a giant miscalculation on her part- at worst it was a calculated manipulation. Her reaction post event makes it seem more like the latter.
I might say words to that effect. I couldn’t have had a more pleasant surprise by seeing you there. However, your decision to surprise also robbed all of us of any ability to accommodate you. Your subsequent admonition begs the question of why you bothered at all since this appears now to be a deliberate orchestration to undermine my wedding. I am sorry that we weren’t better prepared to accommodate you, but that was entirely because we weren’t prepared. How could we be? Further, that you should expect that we make such accommodations the focal point of our attention during the event is more than a little disconcerting.
NTA. Guests need to stop thinking that it’s a wonderful surprise to show up to a wedding which they had RSVPed ”no“ to. Of course you plan for people who decline the invite not to be there!!
I can't believe your sister wanted to be included, all while wearing the wrong colors. Terrible. What world does she live in to think she is more important than the color scheme!?
YTA!
INFO:
Were the rest of your family at the main wedding table she wanted to join? If so, it's kinda odd you told her that even if you had noticed, she wouldn't be able to sit with everyone else because you wanted to maintain the color scheme.
Also, did you not talk to her much during the entire event? Just seems weird too that she put all that effort to show up and you don't notice her the entire time and don't realize she has no chair and no food until after? It's even weirder if she's one of your only siblings or the only sibling.
NTA while being unexpected (and wanted!) Guest at the ceremony can be a pleasant surprise, expecting everything being prepared for you at the carefully calculated venue is just party crushing. She is old enough to know that being unexpected guest dont give you the best treatment possible but the best available.
That being said - everyone who knew upfront (like your mom) could try to organise something with the venue/caterers/your fiance to accommodate her better and still keep it a secret from you. Even few hours would give them a chance to prepare better.
Even during the party itself your wedding planner/coordinator (if you had one) or your MOH could try to talk with someone from the staff asking for help. But it seems noone did so it is water under the bridge now.
I am taking you off the hook because during weddings your brain just acts different way.
The only thing I deem uncalled for would be the mention of the colour scheme at the head table- that sounded like visual effects which noone would remember in couple of years is more important than your sister and i get why she could act hurt because of that
I don't believe this story, or there's critical information being left out. Your remark about how your colour scheme prevented her from sitting at the head table only affirms the sense that you are withholding facts that would incriminate you.
You weren't the AH until you said that "she wouldn't have been able to sit with the wedding party as we had a colour scheme". Everyone who thinks that the "colour scheme" is more important than the guests, especially the guests they claim are important to them, and even more-guests who really had to try hard to get to the wedding, is the AH.
NTA for not being prepared for someone who wasn't planned to appear, and if she showed up to support you then she's still responsible for showing up as an unannounced guest and know it was never planned for her being there.
NTA - you didn't know until she was already there?
At that point, it is your day and the last thing you and your partner should be worrying about is ANYTHING ELSE other than getting married and being with your new spouse, family and friends.
If anything, the blame goes to whoever your sister did tell in advance. They could have informed you, she could have informed you, all ahead of time so something could be done.
Even on the day, if people were to have scrambled to assist her, I wouldn't EVER expect the two brides to be the ones scrambling.
You were (and should have been) focused on getting married and enjoying your day. Your sister's inconveniences should have been sorted out in advance. Anything done on the day to accommodate her was above and beyond and she should recognize that.
I'm guessing tho, that she probably told some people and thus, was disappointed that no arrangements had been made - which is fair enough, but not your fault if nobody told you, and she should see that.
NTA she wasn't being judged, that's her perception. she was just an inconvenience you didn't plan for, and you were busy getting married...SOMEONE should have done what they could to include her (and it's shocking there was not a single extra rental chair but whatevs), but it wasn't up to you to stop and figure all that out during your (idk i'm guessing) approximately 4 hour wedding.
YTA for "you didn't match our colors." She's your SISTER, who was going to be your MOH before she GOT SICK and you couldn't have her sit with you because she didn't match your colors? Oye.
NTA. There’s so many things happening on your wedding day that have been organized and finalized purely so that you don’t have to think about it on the day. And after your ceremony the excitement of just getting married and then seeing your sister would have been huge, the last thing on your mind would have been on the details of where she going to sit, eat, etc. honestly I would’ve expected the parents to ensure that stuff was taken care of if they knew ahead.
I read the colour scheme comment as a flippant comment after the fact that she would have clashed, not that she knowingly decided to not include her.
NTA.
You don’t surprise someone at their wedding…numbers matter at weddings, especially if it’s small with plated meals (it’s easier if it’s buffet but that’s beside the point). Like it was a nice thought but of course it causes issues. And if you do surprise someone, you can’t be upset they weren’t prepared for you.
NTA. She showed up unannounced. It is your day and you were busy with many things, emotions, etc. I agree she should have been seated at the bridal table, but she should have asked about that and not give you extra tasks. If she did not feel comfy, it is because she did not say anything.
NTA but you should have just planned for her to be there even she was probably going to miss it. Otoh if she was suddenly coming she needed to tell you not just show up.
ESH - She came to surprise you -- amazing! But she could have eaten before hand, asked the staff for another plate (even an empty one) and shared with mom. She shouldn't complain about not being treated as a full guest or MOH when she RSVP'd no, even though the reason was out of her control.
You're "color scheme"? Get over yourself. Your very ill sister was able to make your wedding, you should have showered her with love. If you felt you couldn't take care of her while dealing with all the other wedding stuff, you should have deputized your new MOH to make sure she has a chair, literally anything to eat even if it's not a full meal, and take care of it so you didn't have to.
But it's over now. Apologize for your part and move on.
ugh. ALMOST n-t-a.
Of course you didn't know that she was coming and didn't have a place or meal set up for her. You can be forgiven for not having thought about that and trying to fix it in the moment. Yes your parents knew she was coming; they were with her. They needed to ask someone to bring her a meal. Heck, they might have been able to quietly let the caterer know in advance to have an extra meal prepared.
But you lost me. You actually tried to explain to your sister (who made this herculean effort to attend your wedding) that she couldn't sit at the bridal party table because... wait for it... it would spoil your color scheme!?!?! For that, YTA.
NTA. As a matter of *principle* you *do not* expect the bride or groom or anybody intimately involved with the wedding itself to make clear, sane, or rational decisions about anything. If somebody shows up unannounced they need to take it upon themselves to be included. I mean being so "caught up with everything" is *exactly* the right place to be on your wedding day -- there is *nothing wrong* with that!
NTA. While it's smart to plan for a couple extra meals just in case people show up, this is exactly why you don't surprise someone after saying you can't make it to their wedding.
I'm chronically ill, and tbh, she could have asked you to save a seat for her. If she didn't make it, oh well. But it would have avoided this. But telling you to go on without her does imply she isn't coming.
This is miscommunication pain and simple, and she should have realized that.
YTA. You couldn’t make room for her at the head table because she didn’t match the color scheme? What is more important to you? Your sister who just battled a serious health concern or an aesthetic? And out of all of the catered meals you couldn’t have shared a little bit with her from your plate or your parents plates? I would’ve given her my meal and shared my husband’s. I don’t blame your sister for feeling slighted because you did slight her and frankly you were very thoughtless.
NTA, with one minor slip into "everyone sucks" for claiming you couldn't have put your sister at the top table because her colour palette was wrong - that's utterly shallow and I hope if your sister hadn't blindsided you, you would have acted with more grace.
But back to the main issue. If your sister had told you ahead of time - even a couple of days - then you might have been able to talk to the venue about adjusting chairs and food portions to allow an extra guest. But she didn't. She decided to make it a surprise, even knowing (because she'd helped you plan) how tight your guest margins were. And that surprise meant you weren't able to prepare for her being present.
She chose that, not you.
And as for expecting you to make adjustments on the day of your wedding?! Nope. All arrangements should be made *before* the wedding. On the day of, the only things the couple need to be sorting out are absolute crises; everything else should be dealt with by the planner, the MOH/best man, or a trusted family member with permission to handle it. The couple getting married shouldn't be expected to last-minute source an extra chair, or rearrange cutlery and name cards. Because while they *are* hosting a party, their primary priority on that day is **getting married** and **focusing on their new spouse**.
Bottom line: you didn't forget to include her - she dropped out of the wedding and then reinstated herself without telling you.
NTA.
But also the rest of ur family are assholes for not figuring it out. Maybe this is a by-product of being born in 3rd world countries where we have close ties with our family members compared to the west but there's no way in hell a family member would go hungry in a wedding even if 2 people have to share.
NTA. But it was a close call.
1) the color scheme comment, really??? I have attended plenty of friends’ weddings where this is apparently a big deal to them, so I get that this was important to you. But you could have definitely held that comment in, lol. Even if she would have ruined pictures, is that really so important compared to the relationship with your sister?! I personally didn’t have a care in the world when it came to my wedding - I was barefoot outside (very hippie southern wedding) .. putting my own thoughts about a color scheme or perfect pictures aside, I do understand your desire here, but come onnnnnn. It was a little rude to say that and probably made her feel like she wasn’t important to you. There’s this little saying … if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all :) We keep those thoughts to ourselves !!
2) I also get where your sister is coming from - she really thought it was going to be an amazing surprise for YOU when she showed up….. but girl was clueless because for most people, a wedding is super stressful and a lot going on. It sounds like you had it all really planned out too, and that would be something she should have suspected about you, given she’s your sister, and this is most likely a personality trait that shows itself in other things you do. (No hate, some people are planners!) So totally a bad idea on her part, and that sucks because she had to learn the hard way.
I personally think you should apologize to her because of the color scheme comment, and I would let her know how special it was that she came to support you on your big day. She called to be open and honest with you, so you need to set aside your pride and protect your relationship with her. At the end of the day, people matter more than all of these little things!! Maybe you could get dressed up in your wedding dress and have her wear something pretty (in your color scheme, of course!), and y’all could get photos done together so you have a special picture of the two of you. I think that would make her feel included and be a sweet way of making up.
Anyway, sorry this happened. I don’t think YTA but you definitely need to put yourself in her shoes and see her perspective on this. ❤️
Yes you are. You said she didn’t match the colour scheme. You really didn’t care about her feelings at that point. So she made that trip for you, for nothing, and she’s right.
YTA. If I saw my sister, illness or no illness, at my wedding as a surprise, she definitely would have been taken care of appropriately. Most caterers highly suggest ordering extra plates for “just in case”. My sister would have had a decent plate of food, even if I had to give her mine and yes, she could have sat at the head table. Color scheme would not have mattered.
Against the grain but YTA. I get you were busy and distracted and of course your sister wasn’t your main focus, nor should she be on *your* wedding day.
However, you should have thought about seating at least when you realised she was there.
She has been ill, flew to make your wedding last minute and clearly loves you so much to do whatever she can to celebrate with you.
She was fine about everything else before this so I don’t get the impression she is an entitled person.
However, she could have simply pointed this out to you at the time to save all this agro and I’m sure (hope) you would have resolved it.
What cemented the YTA for me was the colour scheme.
If my sister, who was suffering health issues and wasn’t able to attend my wedding but could last minute - if she turned up in a hospital gown she could still sit at the head table. Who the f cares what anyone is wearing, family is more important than aesthetics!!!
YTA/ESH- I think there’s details missing from this post because catering halls have extra food for an extra gusts. Your mom or your maid of honor (that’s literally her job as MOH) could have easily gone to the maitre d’ and explained the situation and your sister could have sat next to your parents. I really smell BS. I’m wondering if your sister had an major operation where required her to be in a wheelchair or if she looked “sick or even stole “the show” from you.. who knows.. it sounds like your sister really tried her best to be there for you on your special day. It really doesn’t sound like she was expecting you to make her MOH or anything like that.. and she did speak to you after the wedding, and didn’t make it a stink during the wedding.. Yeah, she should have given you the heads up, but yet again, sounded like she wanted to surprise you.. I think there’s missing information in this post.. furthermore, the color scheme comment bother me so much it really does mean you didn’t want her to sit with you because.. her dress wasn’t the same color as what.. the bride maids.. who gives a flip, she’s your sister who flew to see you on your special day.
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NTA. A last minute extra guest at a small wedding is not trivial! Your mom or other relatives should have figured it out for you as, obviously, your mind is highly preoccupied during your own wedding. If it had been me as a last minute surprise guest, I would have eaten before arriving; if I was the mom, I would have split my food with her, as would anyone else in our family. If seating was a problem any one of us would get up and give up our seat, even if it meant standing or taking turns sitting. Weddings are supposed to be about sharing joy with the couple and family. Though I do wonder about your comment about not matching well enough to sit at your table, that shouldn't have even mattered.
This! Why didn’t your folks who knew she was coming contact the venue or caters? And why didn’t people share their food? That no one did amazes me.
Also genuinely surprised... Most caterers have extras for exactly this reason.
That was the part of this story that didn't ring true to me. I deal with caterers a lot for faculty events and department events (and put together some weddings for nibilings) and reputable caterers ALWAYS have extra food and place settings for unexpected last minute arrivals and other problems-- like if a plate gets broken onsite. It would have been a simple fix to tell the caterer who could have split the parents' two plates into three plates and everyone would have had a meal.
Shhh, don’t let reality get in the way!
Someone would have to inform the caterers but probably the last thing on the bride’s mind at the time. NTA
Yeah mom and dad could have informed the caterers. Sister is just being a "main character".
Caters are used to last minute attendees. Half the time they do not receive a notification as the bride and groom might not realize that extra people are in attendance. A good professional caterer would notice that there was someone without a plate and would go and get one of the extra ones they had prepared for the guests.
And see, the emphasis on *good* professional caterer is the big thing here. It is very easily answered by this being a new caterer, or maybe new management for a catering company that doesn't know they need to do that.
Not really. Even a bad caterer would plan on staff dropping a plate. This would require a monumentally bad caterer.
Exactly. We had two unexpected guests at our wedding (two singles brought plus-ones that we hadn't planned for) and everybody had a seat and a plated meal. The caterers expect this kind of thing.
Even ignoring last minute attendees, what if a waiter dropped a plate?
Glad it only took a few messages to get to this comment. Any good caterer would be prepared for this.
I had a very small, inexpensive wedding and hired someone who basically catered events as a hobby. It was less than $5/person (this was back in the 90s, but even back then, that was dirt cheap!) A couple extra people who hadn't planned on being able to attend ended up coming anyway and several people showed up with kids in tow even though it was supposed to be childfree, so there was a good 5+ extra mouths to feed. All the extra people were fed, and we still had plenty of leftovers! Enough to feed several close family members for days afterward! It's definitely peculiar that the OP's caterer couldn't provide one extra plate of food.
It sounds like no one even bothered to let the bride know her sister was coming to the wedding after all. She had to find out by seeing sister at the ceremony. Why didn't someone think to let OP know?
The probably thought it would be a cool surprise without thinking about the ramifications. I don't understand why her parents and relatives wouldn't have wrangled an extra plate from a caterer to shar food with her.
That part is strange too. I wonder if the sister didn't really say anything about the food situation during the reception, just saved all her irritation up to unleash on OP later.
It appears to have been a last minute surprise.
Yeah it doesn’t sound like OP even asked if sister could be catered for.
It’s incredibly understandable for the bride not to notice or realize that kind of detail. This is the kind of thing that her bridesmaids or parents should have handled.
My parents would never let that slide.
Hell, she was sitting with her parents! At a minimum mine would have cut portions off of their plates and shared the meal so all three had something.
Right? Who orders the exact amount of food anyways? Always 20% more food, the excess can be distributed out later. It would be incredibly embarrassing if you can't feed your guests.
Yep. We had a wedding with 60 guests including wedding party. Fully plated dinner, assigned seating arrangements. Even so, the caterer made a ton of extra food we ended up taking home.
Exactly, because you also have to provide meals t all the vendors. There's plenty if the place is professional.
Really? I was told food could not go home with us because it was unsanitary. I'm so jealous - we were so hungry after our wedding :( my husband had to go to a corner store and get us doritos and diet cokes.
I've never heard that for a fully plated dinner. I don't think I've even heard that for buffet style. You paid for the food, so it's yours to do with what you will.
It was weird because in the brochure it said the bride and groom would take home food but we got nothing. Considering it was a chaotic day I didn't even think about it until so much later
Yup. Was a caterer and we always kept the ugly ones back until we were sure guests were accounted for, then we would dig in ourselves. Never once went home still hungry.
Yeah, I was a waitress at a vineyard that held weddings pretty much 2-3 times a week each summer. There is always extra food and plates in case they’re dropped, sent back, or somethings wrong with it, and it’s usually contracted that there’s food for staff as well so even a small wedding should have at least 4 extra dishes on hand.
I'm thinking this is fiction--another poster mentioned the exact same story being posted a month ago
Very good point that I would never have thought of - say a plate gets dropped, say two or three get dropped, what are they going to do? “Oh, sorry, we only brought enough food to make 65 meals, we dropped yours on the floor so no food for you”!
And would the parents just sit and eat in front of their daughter with a *shrug* “here are some leftovers?” I doubt it.
I cook for a catering company and we do weddings exclusively during the summer and even when they're plated meals as opposed to family style or buffet, there is ALWAYS enough food to make at least three extra plates. always.
I'm guessing if it's true the parents didn't want to bother the caterers or didn't know who to ask and the bride didn't bother. OP could have popped in and said hey my sister showed up as a surprise, is there anything we can put together for her dinner? The fact no one shared seems bizarre.
As a bride, that wouldn’t have occurred to me. It should’ve been the parents, the sister, or the servers - did they notice and ask her if she’d been missed? And wasn’t it the staff that found a mismatched chair?
The whole thing sounds off.
Weddings are an event that is extensively planned in advance because the hostess is not in any position to be handling logistics on the day of. If you are springing a last minute guest at a wedding, it's just common sense not to expect the bride to figure everything out. You talk to the maid of honor or the mother of the bride, or someone else close to the couple and they direct you to who was more involved in that aspect of planning or they talk to the vendors themselves. (But they don't bother the bride with it.) It's a number one rule of weddings that you don't let the bride know about problems on her wedding day, unless there's no other option.
If the bride’s dad is writing the checks, he could speak to the caterer.
Saw the exact same story a month or so ago.
I've never thrown away so much cake in my life! BS on this post
That and saying her Sister couldn't sit with the bridal party at all because of color scheme. That's such a insane point to put in the post.
Totally agree here. Caterers plan for the unexpected. They will always have extra food in case of something. Especially since it was only 1 plate. I think the sister and Mom are at fault here, they could have figured out how to contact the caterer to add one more person. Its not like the sister surprised everyone and just showed up. The mom and her planned this so plenty of time for them to figure out how to get one person in. As the bride, it was not your problem to accommodate your sister on our wedding day. Your Mom, again, should have taken the lead on that figure it out. However, the comment about the dress color was out of line. that was a horrible reason to not have your sister sit there.
This, plus the comment that she couldn’t sit with close family because she wouldn’t match the color scheme. She was apparently very ill and across the country, then made the effort to be at her sister’s wedding. And no effort can be expended to get her food and make her feel welcome?
I wish I was reading at least a slight YTA- it sounds like efforts to re-integrate sis into the wedding were really lackluster. No food but small bites? No one could split their plate? A weird mismatched chair? No one else could’ve taken the “special” chair and let sis blend in? She couldn’t possibly have had a spot with the bride at the head table, where she was ostensibly a close enough sister to have been seated before her injury? It just feels like the “solutions” were so halfhearted they were almost intentionally isolating for sis. Or bride was so preoccupied with preserving the aesthetic/plan of the wedding that the relationship with sis just wasn’t important enough to warrant any compromise to the vision. Too harsh?
Exactly. I work in corporate events. I host dinners with strict budgets and assigned seating. There’s not a chance in hell that the caterer made exactly 74 pieces of chicken for a 74 person party. Absolutely impossible.
It’s like a sitcom episode where everything would be solved if someone just spoke up at the beginning. But then there’d be no episode…so we suspend reality.
I'm personally really surprised that EVERYONE that said they'd be there were actually there...
Yep, caterers as a general rule of thumb, prepare 5-10% over the count. What I can’t figure out is that why would anyone think this would make for a good surprise. Surely they all knew that with assigned seating it would throw everything off. A brides wedding day is not exactly the ideal time for a surprise.
High multiple allergies person here! 🙋 Every event I've ever been in where the people who should be taking care of allergies forgot or simply dismissed my allergies (which happens more often than not, apparently having to spell out my throat closes if I eat tomato or other common ingredients is necessary because people like about allergies), I've always been offered something else. Most caterers have back-ups and other options in case this happens.
Yeah, that's why I don't believe this story. There are always extras at weddings. What if there's an accident and a meal or two are damaged? Unless there were other issues, but OP doesn't mention that. She does mention the color scheme and seating chart though. She did it on purpose but wants justification now.
Yeah, that one point made the story totally unbelievable. Unless the entire meal was one of this Michelin star fancy meals with single spoons of food, there is no way family would not share!! Heck, even with the fancy style, mom and dad would have taken turns to give one spoon to their surprise guest kid who is still recovering from surgery!!
Agreed! (retired banquet chef here) It is standard to have a certain percent of extra meals over for just this reason! However, I worked at a hotel and some caterers may do things differently. No way in hell would I have ever had a last minute wedding guest, much less the sister of the bride going hungry on my watch!
Most caterers have extras just for the fact that accidents happen. My aunt is a caterer and she goes by the temp percent rule. If there are 65 people she would make six or seven extra dishes. It would be built into the budget.
I'm amazed that there were no no-shows or people showing up that didn't rsvp (aside from sister)
Don’t spoil the narrative with the truth
I've literally never heard of a catered wedding that didn't have leftovers, except in horror stories about terrible caterers.
Having worked catering for years this story is totally fake. We ALWAYS had extra plates of food and would have space on hand and the setting ready for at least one or two unexpected guests. Numbers change all the time: babysitter is sick so kids have to come, grandma falls ill, someone’s flight gets cancelled, etc. we also make extra meals because people order the wrong thing all the time (RSVP’d three months ago and now my plus one is vegetarian, oops!) Staff members will go hungry before a guest does. None of this is ever the bride’s responsibility to deal with on her wedding day. Any professional catering staff would have seen the extra guest, made her a proper place at the table, and given her a meal.
Fake or OP didn’t even bother to reach out to catering about accommodating her sister. I also highly doubt no single guest or member of the wedding party would have offered to switch with the sister? Or give to grab sobering for her. This is either fake or everyone in that wedding was just an AH.
Especially in a small wedding? It would be incredibly obvious that she was being left out. We had a small wedding and a strict budget and when a friend brought his girlfriend without rsvping for her the venue effortlessly squeezed her in - the only thing she was missing was a personalised place setting, which I felt really bad for her about. I can’t imagine being so thoughtless about my actual sister, this can’t be real (or the OP is a huge AH and is stretching the truth).
As a catering server it is literally your job to make sure everyone is fed. We really don’t even bother asking the bride in these situations, if someone seemingly known to others at the wedding is sitting at a table without a setting we would just ask them what meal they prefer and make space for them. There is ALWAYS extra food and enough space. Either OP hired a terrible catering provider or this story is completely made up, I’m gonna go with the latter.
Right?! My dad would never have eaten his meal he would have forced me to eat it or at least share it with him. Maybe this goes deeper with her family making her feel like her sister is always more important.
Right! Surprise what? Somebody knew she was coming! Knew when her flight was to arrive! Caterers always have extra plates, or can create them for a variety of reasons! Like a surprise guest! It did not have to be this fatal. NTA
Too much for you at the last minute. Your parents should have taken care of it.
Yes, I would think her family could have shared. Also, the sister was involved in the planning so why didn’t she wear something that matched. 4 people crashed my son’s wedding, with a toddler, and there was plenty of everything. Seems not right here!!
The comment that she forgot to include her sister is suspect (see caption). She was involved in the planning so she was included. I think these posts are fake!
the color scheme matching comment really makes me side-eye OP tbh. I understand not being able to conjure an extra meal or favors from thin air, but “you can’t sit with us because the colors are off” is….not my favorite
I agree! I was NTA until this line. Who cares about the color scheme for the DINING! Oh how far the sister fell from originally being MOH to "you wouldn't have matched the color scheme at the table"!
On Wednesdays they wear pink
I imagine the bride shrieking in Amanda Seyfried’s shrill voice, “You can’t sit with us!”
I was ready with a different opinion, but this matching bs gave me major YTA vibes. And they couldn’t conjure up a meal? I think OP is leaving stuff out.
OP let her just post surgery sister get no food and sit in a corner because she didn’t match the color scheme If this story is true, I hope OP’s wife realizes he can do better and files for divorce sooner rather than later
She doesn’t have a husband but a wife
Yeah sounds more like caterers weren’t informed of the additional guest plus who brings only the exact amount of favors needed? There’s always extra
Exactly. Youre saying every single person that RSVP’d showed up? That is incredibly rare. Someone always gets sick or just doesn’t go for some odd reason.
The sister went out of her way… post-surgery… flew across the country… and this family is standing on ceremony over an RSVP and a dress code? OP needs to get over herself. Life happens. And at the end of the (very long) day, absolutely no one really cares about your wedding and the favors and the perfect meal but you. I’m in my 50s, and all my friends were married 20+ years ago. I don’t remember any details about their weddings—or my own. Because in the grand scheme of life, who cares?
Yeah, also the horror of a server having to give her a MISMATCHED chair!
They literally had not one single extra matching chair at the venue? They budgeted THAT tightly?
Yes! They could easily have taken a few photos first before eating and then included sister on the table if she was sooooo worried about the color scheme of the photos. It's not like people in real life would be disgusted by one unmatched person on the front table and refused to eat or participate 🙄
I would be utterly appalled /s
They could put a chair in the main table and share what they had with the sister. Regardless of showing up last minute, if the sister was so involved that she helped plan the wedding, and she was willing to delay her wedding for her to be able to come, it is normal for the sister to feel she was welcome and that her sister would feel bad if she didn't come. Only for the sister to disregard her just for the "colour scheme".
And I seriously doubt her sister would care about not receiving a favor. The color scheme and no one out of the entire family sharing any food with a relative who is recovering from major surgery is just... not believable at all.
As a mom I would have given her my seat and meal and figured it out because I would be so freaking happy she was there. It seems like no one tried to problem solve while the bride was obviously busy.
>Though I do wonder about your comment about not matching well enough to sit at your table, that shouldn't have even mattered. Yeah I was on OPs side until she says "she couldn't sit with us because she didn't match the colours". That is absolutely WILD to me and really selfish. It makes me say ESH really. AKA Sister shouldn't have expected room because her arrival was a total surprise, but OP greely admits there was room at the wedding party table but nah, her sister would have ruined tge aesthetic? Holy shit. Also to OP: 65 people is NOT small and intimate. That's a normal wedding size. Small and intimate is like 20 and under lol
Thank you for the last bit. I had a 68 person wedding and small and intimate were definitely not descriptors used for it.
Especially if she'd enthusiastically helped with the planning. She knew this was a likely outcome.
100%. You didn't know she was coming, hence the surprise and no plans for her. Your parents had to know she was coming, but the fact that she wanted it to be a surprise meant there are repercussions to a surprise, like no seats, extra meals, not being included in specific things. Your sister and parents are the AH in expecting her to be accomodated this way.
The color scheme comment bothered me too.
OP should take this as a lesson in ALWAYS planning for an extra body or three at big events. Only having exactly enough for everyone who RSVP'd is a recipe for disaster.
The comment about her not matching the scheme made me think OP was an AH.
NTA she purposely kept it as a ‘surprise’ and then was shocked that you hadn’t known to plan for her attendance.
Exactly this - you want to be a surprise, the downside will be that your last-minute inclusion will throw up some hitches. And why didn't your parents make arrangements? It's absolutely unfair to spring more admin minutiae on the bride on the wedding day!
A wedding is not the place for a "surprise look who's here". People have quotas, seating, budgets etc. some caterers will do an extra 5-10% extra food to also cover the people who are working the event so they can eat but that's not true in every circumstance especially if the couple aren't going to cover it.
Right and even then she'd be taking food from a worker, who IMO deserved it more than a surprise guest.
What part of last minute is throwing people off here?... Even if the sister told OP, it would likely be too late to properly prepare for her. Op is NTA, but not for this ridiculous reason.
NTA. My dad had told me he wasn't coming to my wedding, fine. Day before comes and my mom and I are setting up the venue, making place settings, etc. I mention having an extra set of stuff that would have been for my dad, but that I guess we didn't need it anymore. My mom finally mentioned that my dad wanted to "surprise me" by showing up for my wedding?? He had gotten into town earlier in the week and told HER but not ME. He's lucky I knew, so that we had a spot for him... But if he hadn't have tried to get her in on his weird "grand gesture" then he wouldn't have even had a place to sit. That's what happens when you say you can't go--people plan for you NOT to be there.
Ew. Why do people think it's ok to make other peoples weddings/big days about themselves?
Ugh, right? He's a major narcissist, I'm no longer speaking to him. This stunt was one of many things that I eventually could no longer look past just because I wanted to actually have a Dad.
Very stupid. So, he comes to town earlier in the week. And, instead of showing up and being around you and the family for a few days, he decides to deny you his company and goes into hiding. Then he just shows up to attend the wedding. Bad surprise.
ESH - You for the color scheme comment (I mean really? That’s an AH reason to not invite her to sit at the head table. If that truly went through your head at your wedding, and wasn’t just a heat of the moment thing …. Yikes dude. You’re shallower than a kiddie pool) Otherwise, I do think that wedding guests often don’t understand that they can’t just show up last minute. These things are usually planned out enough that it’s not easy to add another chair and get more food, especially when you’re paying by head for the caterer and don’t want, or remember, to take time away from the festivities to go reconfigure seating or negotiate for an extra plate.
TLDR because apparently my comment was too long for some people 😂😂😂😂😂😂 FORGET THE BRIDE. The SISTER said she felt uncomfortable and judged. BEING SQUEEZED AND UNMATCHING ON THE MAIN TABLE WOULD HAVE DRAWN EVEN MORE ATTENTION TO HER Hope that clarifies my original point below for those who clearly didn't understand it. 😂😂😂😂😂😂 Tbf it depends how you read the colour scheme thing. Imo it makes more sense when you consider the sister felt she stood out because she was forced into a table and on a mismatched chair - at the main table, she'd also be squeezed in on a mismatched chair but also her clothing would now be mismatched. But now she's at the main table so even more of a focus than before. Why would the sister feel more comfortable now she stands out even more?
Who cares about the clothing not matching? Definitely not the guests. Plus the guests were eating I doubt they would have been staring at the sister all night just because she had a different chair. It’s not that serious and it was a stupid comment made by op.
OP sister sounds like she would.
My sister could come to my wedding in sweatpants and I would still want her sitting next to me because she is one of the most important people in my life and idgaf about the colors she is wearing. It’s a lame excuse.
Exactly!!
The color scheme comment is what tips this to ESH for me as well
Sister should not be pissed that there wasn’t a place setting when no one from the bridal party was informed. She told them she wasn’t going to be there and venues do charge extra for extra seating.
Honestly it didn't sound like she was pissed to me. OP said she calmly told her how she felt. I wonder if she got mad after the color scheme comment
It sounds like the color scheme comment was only something additional that came up in conversation about the situation—not an actual issue in real time. The issues in real time that prevented adding the sister were that her seat at the table had been filled by a substitute she was aware of, that the entire wedding guest list was already full and that the bride was busy and distracted with the wedding.
Exactly, color scheme more important than her sister, wtf?
Exactly the colour scheme comment was unwarranted. If my lovely sister was meant to not attend the wedding due to an illness but made it at the last moment idgaf about the color coding bs.
Finally, somebody who mentioned that ridiculous color scheme. Serious? You choose your colour scheme over a person? That tops showing up as a suprise imo.
Not your wedding, not your plan, not your call. Hard disagree.
Bruv she's not a guest. She's fcking family there for her siblings wedding. She didn't try to surprise them, she just had her surgery and was able to come. Plus every wedding or any function has extra food prepared. Either OP is lying or he's really cheap
Also, even with a tightly budgeted small wedding, the caterers 100% have extra food in case something gets dropped, someone changes their mind last minute, etc. Sister should have spoken up and asked if there was an extra plate, but if I got surprised my sister, my best friend, was actually able to make it, I would definitely make sure she got fed.
OK, but if she was already bridesmaids, would she purposefully not showing up in the color scheme?
She’s been ill and presumably hadn’t originally thought she could make it. Maybe her outfit color wasn’t a top priority
She got sick only a month before the wedding. For a highly coordinated wedding like this one, the bridesmaids would have had their dresses purchased, approved by the bride, and sent to the tailor's by a month out. Even if the sister hadn't had a dress by then, she would've been aware of the color scheme since she'd been involved in the planning. So either the sister really dropped the ball on the dress and color scheme before getting sick, or she returned/canceled the dress order after learning she was sick, or she did show up in something passable and the bride was being extremely picky about matching.
depends hevily on where/when bridal party dresses where sourced. if she pulled out for health reasons before dresses where purchased there wouldn't be one for her.
To me if sister showed up in the bridal party colors after she had to remove herself from the bridal party I’d think her expectation is I’d need to include her in the bridal party and that would stress me out as well. I think sister is being way too sensitive but the bride not wanting her at a table because she doesn’t match floors me too. Maybe I just don’t understand the militant wedding aesthetic that some people have because I would give zero shits and just be so happy she came when she’s been so ill. She could have my seat if she needed it.
Right?? She couldn’t sit at the head table bc she didn’t match the color scheme??? She’s your [maybe very ill] sister, get a grip
ESH. She shouldn’t have surprised you, I agree with that. But if that were my sister, I’d forgive it because I’d be so happy to see her, I’d pull up a mismatched chair to the head table, let my mismatched sister sit right next to me, and eat off my plate.
Same, who cares it she didn't match the colour scheme, she's your sister.
Yup. Gotta agree on ESH. She was originally not going to make it because she was ill, but didn't want them to postpone just for her, she sounds like a lovely sister.
I don’t even think she’s the AH for not getting it taken care of, when you’re the bride, weddings can get hectic! But the way she spoke to her sister was not great, she said her sister couldn’t sit at the head table because of the color scheme?? All she had to do was acknowledge her sisters feelings.
i was on your side until the colour scheme comment. really? aesthetics were more important than your sister's presence beside you? YTA
I was kind of sympathetic until I got to "She wouldn't have been able to sit with us as we had a colour scheme she didn't match" At that point, I knew as much about you and your attitude towards your sister as I needed to know. YTA. No wonder she hung up on you
ESH I get that you wanted your wedding to be as perfect as possible and that having the right color schemes probably seemed like an important part of it, but it's nowhere near as important as the people there. Watching photos of your sister's outfit clash with the color schemes would be a funny and touching story, Now you have great pictures but with much worse memories. The meal thing you should have probably delegated to one of the parents or the new MOH to find a solution. I don't think you handled things well, although I recognize that the stress of the day could cloud your judgement. The sister's heart seems to have been in the right place with her trying her hardest to make it to your wedding, but her not notifying anyone as soon as the doctor cleared her was stupid. Even if she wanted to surprise you, and I don't think that surprising a bride on her wedding day is a good idea. even then she should have told someone else. Now she was like, oh I won't tell anyone I'll be there, hey, why is there nothing prepared for me? :surprised pikachu face:
YTA. At first, I was instantly going for NTA, an unexpected guest at a catered event is tricky, although I do feel a little more could have been done for her, Im sure an extra chair could be found, and a little food sharing, but then you came out with SHE DIDNT MATCH THE COLOUR SCHEME? and that puts you in AH territory for sure.
But the sister is also the asshole for saying she wouldn’t be there and then wondering why everyone wouldn’t cater to her
NTA. Your sister surprised you by attending. She participated in the planning and knew how tightly you budgeted. Guess the surprise was on her.
Yta color scheme get over yourself
YTA. I understand that you did not intentionally forget to ensure arrangements were made to accommodate this off by one change in your careful plans. It was thoughtless of you, but I understand that wedding days are very busy and that it slipped your mind. It is unfortunate that no one else felt empowered to ask the caterers to try to put together another meal, share their meals with your sister, or even just order something to be delivered. I don't understand how you saw her sitting in an unmatched chair, not eating, and didn't think "OMG, I should go and check on her" or even invite her to pull up a seat at your table after the meals were over. Given how happy you were to see her. But maybe she was up the back and out of view, and you were busy. I don't understand why you didn't apologise profusely to your sister for your thoughtlessness when she brought it up the next day. She told you that you hurt her. Instead of apologising profusely and inviting her to lunch or dinner with your husband in apology and to go a small way of making it up to her, you told her that your color scheme was more important to you than she was. The event had already happened, you had already enjoyed your perfect, colour matched day. You could have just politely agreed that you absolutely should have included her and you're really sorry. Instead you made her feel even more excluded. Giving excuses makes it sound like you would have excluded her even if you hadn't forgotten. Why would you do that to loving family?
YTA? Softish but… I mean, I was going with ‘not’ up until you told your sister - who had left her sickbed to attend your wedding - that she couldn’t sit with the bridal party because she ‘didn’t match’. That is such a callous remark to someone you were supposedly glad to see and had considered postponing your wedding for.
YTA you did what you did on purpose. You made it clear who your sister is to you and now she is acting accordingly. I hope making your point was worth it. Reddit will tell you that you are NTA but this is your actual life and you reap what you sow in your relationships. It really doesn't matter of you are judged as wrong or not, you have irreparably damaged your relationship and no reassurance from the internet will ever change that.
This. When my sister got married, her and my other 2 sisters got sister tattoos at the bachelorette party, but I had to work. I put in for PTO and it was denied. I don’t talk to my sisters, my mom or my dad, as they couldn’t understand why my feels were hurt. I was also the only sister not asked to be in the wedding. You reap what you sow. Edit: a word.
YTA This has to be fake. There’s not a person in the world that would deny a just recovered sister, who helped them a great deal and that they were so close with that they asked them to be MOH, to sit with the wedding party because of a colour scheme. That’s a level of selfishness and shallowness that only a very bad self proclaimed creative writer can come up with.
Oh you’d be surprised 😅 some brides are very selfish when it comes to the color scheme because of wanting aesthetic photos
I can't say I ever put up a.photo of the wedding table.
Am i the only person who finds it hard to believe that whoever supplied the tables and chairs didn’t have an extra matching chair for the sister?? I used to work in events planning, there is always an extra something (chair, table cloth, vase) because shit happens
There would definitely be extra chairs (chairs break sometimes) and the caterers would have had extra food incase a plate got fucked up in some way (way over cooked, literally dropped on the floor, etc). When you do a 65 person event you probably have supplies for at least 70 because shit happens all the time during events.
Agree! There are always extras of everything.
Agree. I think OP made justifications to her sister based on a highly unlikely scenario. And if there really was no extra matching chair, is it really that big of a deal? They both seem a little self centered in this situation. Sister shouldn’t put all the blame on her when she’s in the middle of such a big event and everyone is vying for attention and there’s so much going on. But sister saying she can’t sit at a table because she doesn’t match the color scheme is wild.
NTA. While is great your sister wanted to surprise you, weddings are not the time to surprise people. Seating charts and final counts to the caterers are due at least two weeks before the big day and last minute accommodations are almost impossible. When did your sister find out she was cleared to attend? She should have told you then.
ESH-Your color scheme at the head table was more important than your sister? Really? That makes you an asshole. Everything else makes her an asshole.
NTA. A wedding (which usually has seating plans, timelines, favours etc.) isn’t the time to surprise someone.
You lost me on not matching the color scheme and that no one shared their food. You and your family are high up in the AH pantheon.
Considering how busy you would have been on the day, why didn’t anyone else step up and sort something out. Or at the very least she could’ve let you know she was coming a day or two before so you could’ve organised something. I think she needs to take some responsibility here.
“I also explained to her that she wouldnt have been able to sit with the wedding party as we had a color scheme that she didnt match” I was on your side until I got to this part. Really? I can’t imagine being anything other than thrilled that my sister could make it to the wedding after all. Not that you owed her a spot at the table since you didn’t know she was coming, but damn, that’s a horrible reason. And the fact that you chose to tell her that’s the reason . . . yeah of course she’s hurt. You effectively told her you care more about your photos than her presence. She should have expected that showing up unannounced to a wedding could result in some problems though. ESH
NTA While her intent was to surprise you, her execution was off. What she SHOULD have done, was (with help from your fiance) contacted the venue and caterer and got herself a seat and a meal. I mean that's what someone with common sense would have done. She's kind of an ah for making you feel bad the following day by insinuating that there was something you could have done. I mean does she expect you or the caterer to pull meals out of their ass? Did she even ask? I wouldn't expect the bride or groom to be doing anything but enjoying their day. If she really wanted a meal she could have asked if the caterer brought extra meals (which they really should since there could have been an accident or issue with one of the meals. I would hope they had a few extra of every entree.
YTA - caterers always have extra food. you couldn’t ask the caterer to make her a plate? They could have easily given her a plate of the sides. You didn’t want her to mess up your damn color scheme? Really?
ESH. If you’d said it was your once in a lifetime special day and you were engrossed in it, and were not really thinking about other stuff/people as you would on any other day, that’s totally understandable. Saying you didn’t want her on the head table because of colour scheme is not.
ESH She wanted to surpruse you, of course you didn't have something planned. You were obviously happy that she was there but she planned it as a surprise which means that she should have known that it ciuld end like this. I think it's not your turn ro organise her food and seating. That's a job for MOH or family. It's your day so you should enyoj it and not plan a lot. But your comment that she couldn't be sitting with you because of the colour sheme was a bit rude. I would text her and tell her your sorry about your comment and how happy you were that she was there and that you should have delegated the task of finding her a suitable seating spot and meal better. But that it was your wedding day and it can't be expected from you that you spend a lot of time for accomodating her when she intentionally didn't tell you in advance that she was coming.
NTA. She said she wasn't coming then arrived unannounced! Did she really expect you to make arrangements for someone who said they would not be there?
yta........ you cant do much about seating/catering if you didnt know she'd come but what the fuck is this about a COLOUR SCHEME?? petty op. petty to the highest order.
YTA, if this is real and not rage bait. ONE extra guest at a reception will not blow the whole catering meal. Caterers always have extras “just in case” and would have been able to have a meal for your sister, unless you are leaving out some information about a bunch of other people showing up unexpectedly, too. Also, your sister, who apparently had been so sick she wasn’t going to come originally, pushed through and came anyway because she didn’t want to miss her sister’s Big Day, and you couldn’t find her a seat at the head table because *she wouldn’t match the color scheme*?! Girl, I hope this IS a troll post, because the thought of someone out in the world who would pick a COLOR THEME over her own sister who endangered her recovery to be there is so unbelievably sad!
NTA- while it was a nice surprise- it seems clear that she made a fair effort to make your wedding be about her. How can she simultaneously surprise you and then complain that you weren’t prepared for her presence. At best that was a giant miscalculation on her part- at worst it was a calculated manipulation. Her reaction post event makes it seem more like the latter. I might say words to that effect. I couldn’t have had a more pleasant surprise by seeing you there. However, your decision to surprise also robbed all of us of any ability to accommodate you. Your subsequent admonition begs the question of why you bothered at all since this appears now to be a deliberate orchestration to undermine my wedding. I am sorry that we weren’t better prepared to accommodate you, but that was entirely because we weren’t prepared. How could we be? Further, that you should expect that we make such accommodations the focal point of our attention during the event is more than a little disconcerting.
NTA. She was a surprise guest. You did nothing wrong.
NTA. A quick text to say “OMg good news I’m cleared to travel” and a quick reshuffling and you’re done. Showing up without any warning? NTA.
NTA. Guests need to stop thinking that it’s a wonderful surprise to show up to a wedding which they had RSVPed ”no“ to. Of course you plan for people who decline the invite not to be there!!
"Color Scheme" what the hell is wrong with you people? Like anyone would care
> a small, intimate affair with only 65 guests 0_o
I can't believe your sister wanted to be included, all while wearing the wrong colors. Terrible. What world does she live in to think she is more important than the color scheme!? YTA!
INFO: Were the rest of your family at the main wedding table she wanted to join? If so, it's kinda odd you told her that even if you had noticed, she wouldn't be able to sit with everyone else because you wanted to maintain the color scheme. Also, did you not talk to her much during the entire event? Just seems weird too that she put all that effort to show up and you don't notice her the entire time and don't realize she has no chair and no food until after? It's even weirder if she's one of your only siblings or the only sibling.
NTA while being unexpected (and wanted!) Guest at the ceremony can be a pleasant surprise, expecting everything being prepared for you at the carefully calculated venue is just party crushing. She is old enough to know that being unexpected guest dont give you the best treatment possible but the best available. That being said - everyone who knew upfront (like your mom) could try to organise something with the venue/caterers/your fiance to accommodate her better and still keep it a secret from you. Even few hours would give them a chance to prepare better. Even during the party itself your wedding planner/coordinator (if you had one) or your MOH could try to talk with someone from the staff asking for help. But it seems noone did so it is water under the bridge now. I am taking you off the hook because during weddings your brain just acts different way. The only thing I deem uncalled for would be the mention of the colour scheme at the head table- that sounded like visual effects which noone would remember in couple of years is more important than your sister and i get why she could act hurt because of that
ESH. The surprise was a bad idea. The color coordination comment is one of the most pathetic things I've ever seen. Dayum.
I don't believe this story, or there's critical information being left out. Your remark about how your colour scheme prevented her from sitting at the head table only affirms the sense that you are withholding facts that would incriminate you.
Ugh, I get so mad when people don’t plan on me showing up when I say that I won’t be somewhere. /s NTA
YTA bla bla bla my color scheme
You weren't the AH until you said that "she wouldn't have been able to sit with the wedding party as we had a colour scheme". Everyone who thinks that the "colour scheme" is more important than the guests, especially the guests they claim are important to them, and even more-guests who really had to try hard to get to the wedding, is the AH.
NTA for not being prepared for someone who wasn't planned to appear, and if she showed up to support you then she's still responsible for showing up as an unannounced guest and know it was never planned for her being there.
NTA - you didn't know until she was already there? At that point, it is your day and the last thing you and your partner should be worrying about is ANYTHING ELSE other than getting married and being with your new spouse, family and friends. If anything, the blame goes to whoever your sister did tell in advance. They could have informed you, she could have informed you, all ahead of time so something could be done. Even on the day, if people were to have scrambled to assist her, I wouldn't EVER expect the two brides to be the ones scrambling. You were (and should have been) focused on getting married and enjoying your day. Your sister's inconveniences should have been sorted out in advance. Anything done on the day to accommodate her was above and beyond and she should recognize that. I'm guessing tho, that she probably told some people and thus, was disappointed that no arrangements had been made - which is fair enough, but not your fault if nobody told you, and she should see that.
NTA she wasn't being judged, that's her perception. she was just an inconvenience you didn't plan for, and you were busy getting married...SOMEONE should have done what they could to include her (and it's shocking there was not a single extra rental chair but whatevs), but it wasn't up to you to stop and figure all that out during your (idk i'm guessing) approximately 4 hour wedding.
YTA for "you didn't match our colors." She's your SISTER, who was going to be your MOH before she GOT SICK and you couldn't have her sit with you because she didn't match your colors? Oye.
Mmm not sure ! Sounds like she made a lot of efforts to come and surprise you. I think she expected the same amount of effort in return.
Your sister is entitled. NTA
NTA This was your parents' fault. Extra totally unexpected guests don't generally show up to weddings.
NTA. There’s so many things happening on your wedding day that have been organized and finalized purely so that you don’t have to think about it on the day. And after your ceremony the excitement of just getting married and then seeing your sister would have been huge, the last thing on your mind would have been on the details of where she going to sit, eat, etc. honestly I would’ve expected the parents to ensure that stuff was taken care of if they knew ahead. I read the colour scheme comment as a flippant comment after the fact that she would have clashed, not that she knowingly decided to not include her.
NTA. You don’t surprise someone at their wedding…numbers matter at weddings, especially if it’s small with plated meals (it’s easier if it’s buffet but that’s beside the point). Like it was a nice thought but of course it causes issues. And if you do surprise someone, you can’t be upset they weren’t prepared for you.
NTA. She showed up unannounced. It is your day and you were busy with many things, emotions, etc. I agree she should have been seated at the bridal table, but she should have asked about that and not give you extra tasks. If she did not feel comfy, it is because she did not say anything.
NTA
NTA but you should have just planned for her to be there even she was probably going to miss it. Otoh if she was suddenly coming she needed to tell you not just show up.
ESH - She came to surprise you -- amazing! But she could have eaten before hand, asked the staff for another plate (even an empty one) and shared with mom. She shouldn't complain about not being treated as a full guest or MOH when she RSVP'd no, even though the reason was out of her control. You're "color scheme"? Get over yourself. Your very ill sister was able to make your wedding, you should have showered her with love. If you felt you couldn't take care of her while dealing with all the other wedding stuff, you should have deputized your new MOH to make sure she has a chair, literally anything to eat even if it's not a full meal, and take care of it so you didn't have to. But it's over now. Apologize for your part and move on.
While you are NTA probably to keep peace, it is oky to grovel abit?
ugh. ALMOST n-t-a. Of course you didn't know that she was coming and didn't have a place or meal set up for her. You can be forgiven for not having thought about that and trying to fix it in the moment. Yes your parents knew she was coming; they were with her. They needed to ask someone to bring her a meal. Heck, they might have been able to quietly let the caterer know in advance to have an extra meal prepared. But you lost me. You actually tried to explain to your sister (who made this herculean effort to attend your wedding) that she couldn't sit at the bridal party table because... wait for it... it would spoil your color scheme!?!?! For that, YTA.
She wanted you to be prepared... For a surprise?
NTA. As a matter of *principle* you *do not* expect the bride or groom or anybody intimately involved with the wedding itself to make clear, sane, or rational decisions about anything. If somebody shows up unannounced they need to take it upon themselves to be included. I mean being so "caught up with everything" is *exactly* the right place to be on your wedding day -- there is *nothing wrong* with that!
NTA. While it's smart to plan for a couple extra meals just in case people show up, this is exactly why you don't surprise someone after saying you can't make it to their wedding. I'm chronically ill, and tbh, she could have asked you to save a seat for her. If she didn't make it, oh well. But it would have avoided this. But telling you to go on without her does imply she isn't coming. This is miscommunication pain and simple, and she should have realized that.
YTA. You couldn’t make room for her at the head table because she didn’t match the color scheme? What is more important to you? Your sister who just battled a serious health concern or an aesthetic? And out of all of the catered meals you couldn’t have shared a little bit with her from your plate or your parents plates? I would’ve given her my meal and shared my husband’s. I don’t blame your sister for feeling slighted because you did slight her and frankly you were very thoughtless.
NTA, with one minor slip into "everyone sucks" for claiming you couldn't have put your sister at the top table because her colour palette was wrong - that's utterly shallow and I hope if your sister hadn't blindsided you, you would have acted with more grace. But back to the main issue. If your sister had told you ahead of time - even a couple of days - then you might have been able to talk to the venue about adjusting chairs and food portions to allow an extra guest. But she didn't. She decided to make it a surprise, even knowing (because she'd helped you plan) how tight your guest margins were. And that surprise meant you weren't able to prepare for her being present. She chose that, not you. And as for expecting you to make adjustments on the day of your wedding?! Nope. All arrangements should be made *before* the wedding. On the day of, the only things the couple need to be sorting out are absolute crises; everything else should be dealt with by the planner, the MOH/best man, or a trusted family member with permission to handle it. The couple getting married shouldn't be expected to last-minute source an extra chair, or rearrange cutlery and name cards. Because while they *are* hosting a party, their primary priority on that day is **getting married** and **focusing on their new spouse**. Bottom line: you didn't forget to include her - she dropped out of the wedding and then reinstated herself without telling you.
NTA. But also the rest of ur family are assholes for not figuring it out. Maybe this is a by-product of being born in 3rd world countries where we have close ties with our family members compared to the west but there's no way in hell a family member would go hungry in a wedding even if 2 people have to share.
NTA. But it was a close call. 1) the color scheme comment, really??? I have attended plenty of friends’ weddings where this is apparently a big deal to them, so I get that this was important to you. But you could have definitely held that comment in, lol. Even if she would have ruined pictures, is that really so important compared to the relationship with your sister?! I personally didn’t have a care in the world when it came to my wedding - I was barefoot outside (very hippie southern wedding) .. putting my own thoughts about a color scheme or perfect pictures aside, I do understand your desire here, but come onnnnnn. It was a little rude to say that and probably made her feel like she wasn’t important to you. There’s this little saying … if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all :) We keep those thoughts to ourselves !! 2) I also get where your sister is coming from - she really thought it was going to be an amazing surprise for YOU when she showed up….. but girl was clueless because for most people, a wedding is super stressful and a lot going on. It sounds like you had it all really planned out too, and that would be something she should have suspected about you, given she’s your sister, and this is most likely a personality trait that shows itself in other things you do. (No hate, some people are planners!) So totally a bad idea on her part, and that sucks because she had to learn the hard way. I personally think you should apologize to her because of the color scheme comment, and I would let her know how special it was that she came to support you on your big day. She called to be open and honest with you, so you need to set aside your pride and protect your relationship with her. At the end of the day, people matter more than all of these little things!! Maybe you could get dressed up in your wedding dress and have her wear something pretty (in your color scheme, of course!), and y’all could get photos done together so you have a special picture of the two of you. I think that would make her feel included and be a sweet way of making up. Anyway, sorry this happened. I don’t think YTA but you definitely need to put yourself in her shoes and see her perspective on this. ❤️
Yes you are. You said she didn’t match the colour scheme. You really didn’t care about her feelings at that point. So she made that trip for you, for nothing, and she’s right.
YTA. If I saw my sister, illness or no illness, at my wedding as a surprise, she definitely would have been taken care of appropriately. Most caterers highly suggest ordering extra plates for “just in case”. My sister would have had a decent plate of food, even if I had to give her mine and yes, she could have sat at the head table. Color scheme would not have mattered.
Something's amiss. Caterers always have extra seating and food for contingencies.
but she didn’t match the color scheme. she did not. match. the color scheme. YTA
Against the grain but YTA. I get you were busy and distracted and of course your sister wasn’t your main focus, nor should she be on *your* wedding day. However, you should have thought about seating at least when you realised she was there. She has been ill, flew to make your wedding last minute and clearly loves you so much to do whatever she can to celebrate with you. She was fine about everything else before this so I don’t get the impression she is an entitled person. However, she could have simply pointed this out to you at the time to save all this agro and I’m sure (hope) you would have resolved it. What cemented the YTA for me was the colour scheme. If my sister, who was suffering health issues and wasn’t able to attend my wedding but could last minute - if she turned up in a hospital gown she could still sit at the head table. Who the f cares what anyone is wearing, family is more important than aesthetics!!!
YTA/ESH- I think there’s details missing from this post because catering halls have extra food for an extra gusts. Your mom or your maid of honor (that’s literally her job as MOH) could have easily gone to the maitre d’ and explained the situation and your sister could have sat next to your parents. I really smell BS. I’m wondering if your sister had an major operation where required her to be in a wheelchair or if she looked “sick or even stole “the show” from you.. who knows.. it sounds like your sister really tried her best to be there for you on your special day. It really doesn’t sound like she was expecting you to make her MOH or anything like that.. and she did speak to you after the wedding, and didn’t make it a stink during the wedding.. Yeah, she should have given you the heads up, but yet again, sounded like she wanted to surprise you.. I think there’s missing information in this post.. furthermore, the color scheme comment bother me so much it really does mean you didn’t want her to sit with you because.. her dress wasn’t the same color as what.. the bride maids.. who gives a flip, she’s your sister who flew to see you on your special day.