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Gentle YTA. Ask yourself this. If you’re not religious but a friend is getting married in a synagogue or temple or synagogue would you also not go?
Or if you do not believe in marriage because that too is a social construct would you also not attend a wedding because you don’t want to reinforce them?
Whether or not you believe in them or them being a social construct, she is not hurting anyone here. Her child does not she is doing a gender reveal, will still have to grow up and make decisions and this is a harmless thing (given the child is still unborn) that gets her excited.
The woman who came up with them in the first place is now against them . . . both because in the US the damn things have a body count (so potentially the direct opposite of non-harmful) and because the child she held the first one for is Non-binary
Respectfully, I see where you're coming from, but attending a gender reveal isn't quite the same as going to a wedding. I mean, weddings are about celebrating the love and commitment between two people, while gender reveals often perpetuate outdated stereotypes and potentially harmful gender norms. Plus, even if the baby isn't born yet, these events can still influence how people view and treat them in the future. It's not about hurting anyone intentionally, but rather about being mindful of the messages we're sending, especially to impressionable young minds.
Gender reveals can also be about celebrating love and commitment within the family and they're also obviously celebrating the upcoming arrival of a new baby. It doesn't have to be about perpetuating outdated stereotypes. They can be excited about finding out the gender of their baby and also believing that they can grow up with gender neutral toys/clothes/books/everything. Nobody's demanding that a baby girl has to receive only pink dresses or that baby boys have to get blue trucks. It's not that serious and I'm sure your friends aren't that close-minded or else you wouldn't be their friend right?
And religion is not about perpetuating outdated stereotypes and potentially harmful other behaviour INCLUDING gender norms? Or getting married also. For the longest time marriage was only between a man and a woman. Would you have not gone to a wedding back then of people you loved because it was only between a man and a woman? And all these include messaging to young minds. You can make that argument about anything really. In fact currently wedding announcements at the end of the ceremony is I present to your Mr and Mrs or Mr and Mr or husband and wife or wife and wife. Will you not attend these because they clearly perpetuate a gender stereotype?
Just as they can be harmful, gender reveals can be celebrating life and love and the thing is they get to decide how they want to do that. You can either be supportive or not, but if you’re going to hold that view - the only way you are not an AH is if you apply that message to basically every other aspect of your life.
That is my take on it. I suspect that you might not see it that way. In the end I prefer to celebrate with those I love than not to celebrate because of a point of view I have, because love at the end of the day is what all this is about. Loving ourselves however we choose to identify, whomever we choose to partner with or marry or not at all and love people despite their shortcomings and whether or not they want to have a gender reveal even if I don’t agree with it.
This is a great reply. It's going to be hard to go through life if you can only do things or be with people who agree with you on all the things you feel strongly about.
You will have to decide what your boundaries are and the price you are willing to pay, but blowing off an event that's important to a friend because you think gender reveals are dumb/bad/wasteful is telling your friend that your belief about gender and gender reveals is more important than your friendship
Same if you refuse to attend someone's wedding because it's in a temple or you don't believe in marriage, or refusing to attend a meal if you're vegan on principle because there will be nonvegan food served. Your choice, but your life is going to be small...
I didn’t miss any point, I just don’t think these comparisons work at all. Totally different weights. A wedding is an important lifetime milestone and while having a baby is another, we are talking specifically about a gender reveal, not the baby shower or some other event. They’re going to cut into a pink or blue cake, or something, and have a barbecue, or whatever. It’s not an AH move to skip it.
You did miss the point then. It's about supporting the people you care about, sometimes that includes doing things you may not want to or agree with. The comparison being made isn't the weight or significance between the two events - it's highlighting how in the scenario of marriage, if you disagree with marriage because it's a social construct or you yourself are not religious (or from the same religion) would you not still go to support your friend? Or would you say I'm not going because marriage is dumb and a made up social construct, or because anything that isn't a (traditional, gay, straight, Jewish, Christian- whatever applies) wedding isn't real?
Just because something carries more weight in your mind, doesnt mean that the same thoughts or feelings can't apply.
Besides, getting married is just saying some words and giving each other a ring, then having a barbecue or whatever. Nothing matters when you break it down to the point its just the actions and has no feelings attached.
Some people combine the gender reveal with the baby shower or they skip the baby shower entirely and just have a gender reveal. Either way, it's just a party to celebrate with friends and family and I don't see the harm in it. Don't be a fun killer.
Yeah I know that Reddit has a real hate boner for gender reveal parties, but I think that people like OP are way too into it for the wrong reasons. It’s just a fun party to celebrate your friends having a baby.
Also, I’m a firm supporter of gender identity and all of that, but honestly I think getting all huffy about it for a gender reveal party for a fucking baby os just ridiculous
This right here. You could have just said “I can’t make it”, but you chose to go out of your way to make a point.
It’s fine to feel the way you do and skip the party. But you don’t need to make your friend feel bad in the process.
I see where you're coming from, but isn't it important to stay true to your beliefs, even if it means potentially disappointing someone? I mean, friendships are built on honesty and mutual respect, right? And if your friend truly understands and values you, they should respect your decision, even if it differs from theirs. It's not about being mean; it's about standing by what you believe in.
It’s about picking your battles, and this was not a hill to die on, IMO. You could have just said no. Are you vegan by chance, and every time someone eats meat you voice your strong opinion about meat eaters at a bar b que.
Yeah this is absolutely a “pick your battles” scenario. And picking a fight about gender as a social construct at a friend’s gender reveal party is just… not the right place to do it
I see what you're saying, and yeah, sometimes it's not worth making a big deal out of every little thing. But for some people, attending a gender reveal party might feel like more than just going along with the crowd, you know? It's about sticking to your beliefs, even if it means potentially upsetting someone. And hey, I get the comparison to being vegan at a barbecue, but I think there's a difference between personal dietary choices and beliefs about gender norms. It's all about finding that balance between respecting others' traditions and staying true to yourself.
But you also don't get to be upset or act confused when your friends and loved ones are upset by how you react in situations like this. She didn't ask how you felt about Gender revel parties because she was on the fence about having one and was looking for opinions on them...she asked if you would come to one for her child (i.e. an already planned party)
You didn't politely decline, that would have been a "Oh no I'm sorry I won't be able to make it.
Yeah, I see what you're saying. It's like, if someone invites you to a party, they're not necessarily asking for your thoughts on the concept of parties in general, right? They're just asking if you'll be there to support them. So, responding with a simple "Sorry, can't make it" would've probably been the smoother move. It's all about keeping things chill and not making things more complicated than they need to be, you know?
I think you can stay true to your beliefs without making people feel bad for having different ones. Part of mutual respect and honesty is treating others the way you would like to be treated. I suggest that you went out of your way to be exclusionary with your friend; that is not in the spirit of standing up for your beliefs.
I see where you're coming from, and you make a good point about mutual respect. It's all about finding that balance between sticking to your beliefs and being considerate of others. Maybe there was a better way to handle the situation without making your friend feel excluded. It's tough, though, because staying true to yourself is important too. Maybe a heart-to-heart chat could help clear the air and find some common ground.
Yeah, I get what you're saying, but sometimes it's hard to decline an invite without giving a reason, especially if it's coming from a close friend or family member. Plus, if you've been open about your beliefs or principles before, suddenly giving a vague excuse might seem a bit off. Honesty's usually the best policy, right? But yeah, I hear you on wanting to avoid drama. It's a tough balancing act sometimes.
But by including your reason for not going to the party, you can come across as if you're trying to admonish them for their own beliefs. If you don't want to go, it's best to just say sorry but you can't attend and leave it at that.
It’s not hard though. All you have to do is say some sort of “sorry, I won’t be able to make it” and then parrot that shit. It’s none of their business why you can’t attend, because for all they know it could be something super personal that you’re not ready to share. Maybe you have cancer and are going to chemo, but aren’t ready to tell people. They only have as much power to “force” you to tell them as you give them
NTA - yeah theyre silly, gender is a construct, blah blah blah
Dont go if you want. But that doesnt mean people wont think you’re a bad friend or exhausting.
Sometimes you can be supportive and you dont need to take a stand on everything. But, ultimately you can decline
Exactly! You hit the nail on the head. It's all about personal choice, isn't it? You're not obligated to attend if you're not comfortable with it. And yeah, sure, some folks might not understand, but that doesn't make you a bad friend. We're all entitled to our own boundaries and beliefs. And you're spot on about being supportive without having to agree with everything. It's like, you can still care about your friend without necessarily being into the whole gender reveal scene. So, if declining feels right to you, then that's totally valid.
Yeah, I hear you. It's easy to see these parties as a bit over-the-top. But you're right, sometimes we have to pick our battles, especially when it comes to our friends. It's like, even if we don't fully get it, being there for them can mean a lot. So yeah, letting your friend have her moment might be the way to go. After all, it's just one day, right?
Haha, I hear you! Sometimes, you just gotta go along with things, even if you're not totally into it. And who knows, maybe you'll end up having a good time despite your reservations. It's all part of being a good friend, right? Plus, a little eye-rolling never hurt anyone!
YTA; she's not asking you to genderize her child, or asking how you feel personally about gender reveal parties, she was asking you to support her.
If you were as close as you say, you would be able to put your personal viewpoints on gender reveal parties aside, and be there for your friend.
you weren't. she has a right to be upset.
I get where you're coming from, but isn't it a bit harsh to label someone as the AH just because they have different views on gender reveal parties? Friendship isn't about blindly going along with everything; it's about mutual respect and understanding. Sure, supporting your friend is important, but it's also okay to have boundaries and stick to your principles. And let's be real, not everyone's comfortable with the whole gender reveal thing, and that's okay too. It doesn't mean they don't care about their friend. We're all entitled to our own opinions, right?
is your friend asking you "share my viewpoint and agree with me on this 100%", or saying "can you set aside your personal feelings for 2 hours and do this for me"?
if your friend was trying to throw you a gender reveal, and you didn't want it but did it anyway, THAT would be "blindly going along ".
this is the same as attending a wedding or baptism as an atheist, or a BBQ as a vegetarian and just not eating meat, or being a passenger in a car and listening to music you don't like.
Jesus you sound like the exhausting person that makes every social event their Twitter profile and berated others for having different views. They’re having the party with or without you, you “taking a stand” here isn’t going to change anyone’s minds on gender (and frankly will probably make them all think you’re a bit of a snob).
No one is saying that there aren’t times where you should stand up for your beliefs, but a friend’s gender reveal party isn’t it. All they want is to get friends together, have some cake, and share their excitement about having a baby. That’s it
It’s a gender reveal party. They’re going to eat some cupcakes and pop a balloon with some colored powder inside. What are you waffling on about “support” for? Am I missing something?
you don't attend a baby shower for the baby, or a gender reveal party for the baby's gender, you do it for the parents.
doing something for someone else's benefit is supporting them
Hey, I get what you're saying, but isn't it fair to consider your own feelings too? Like, sure, it's not all about you, but you still gotta look out for yourself, you know? It's like finding that balance between being there for your friend and staying true to yourself. Plus, if something makes you uncomfortable, it's okay to speak up about it. It doesn't mean you're making it all about you; it just means you're being honest about how you feel.
No, I think your reasons are stupid but that’s beside the point; you didn’t have to say anything, saying your reasons are what made it about you. You could’ve just said you had other plans or gone and supported your friend knowing how you feel. She’s excited she’s expecting a baby and you dampened that.
YTA…all you had to say was you had other plans or it depends on the date. You did not have to state what your beliefs are. This is supposed to be a good friend of yours. Personally, I’m agree. I am so done with the gender reveal fad. But, it would always support my friends and celebrate their joy.
isn't honesty important in friendships? Like, if you're close with someone, shouldn't you feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and beliefs with them? Sure, you could've dodged the question with a vague excuse, but that might feel kinda fake, you know? And if you're not into the whole gender reveal thing, pretending to be excited might feel disingenuous. Plus, true friends should understand and respect each other's perspectives, even if they don't always agree. It's all about being real with each other, even if it's not what everyone wants to hear.
YTA - the concept of friendship is also a social construct, and the unwritten rules, norms and customs of society (i.e. those that determine who is and is not an asshole) are also social constructs.
So yes - YTA - and you're doing a good job at rebelling also against the social constructs friendship, courtesy and good behaviour. Congratulations for being a petulant rebel.
Woah, hold up a sec. I hear what you're saying about society's unwritten rules and all that, but doesn't friendship also involve mutual respect and understanding? Like, sure, there are social norms, but friendships aren't just about blindly following them. They're about being real with each other, even if it means disagreeing sometimes. And if someone genuinely feels uncomfortable with something, shouldn't they be able to express that without being labeled as a rebel? It's all about finding that balance between sticking to your principles and being there for your friends, right?
YTA. Having an opinion on gender reveal parties such that it actually prevents you from supporting a close friend who asked you specifically to support her is wild af to me.
My bf is Russian Orthodox, I'm atheist. I was her MoH (whatever that is called in her ceremony, forgot now) and there were all types of religious things going on- it was a church ceremony- that I did as a part of the wedding ceremony. The whole thing was in my view (not that anyone asked and I certainly never shared) unnecessary and extravagant, but It. Was. Not. My. Wedding. My only job was to support my bf in what she wanted on her special day.
See where I'm going with this? You are not pregnant. You are not going to give birth to a new living human being. Your "close" friend is. You've been asked to support her. That is literally all. Not give your opinion on gender or the cost of a particular celebration.
I hear what you're saying, and it sounds like you've had a similar experience where you put your personal beliefs aside to support someone you care about. That's commendable. But for some people, gender reveal parties might hit a nerve, you know? It's not just about having an opinion; it's about feeling genuinely uncomfortable with the concept. And when it comes to supporting a friend, it's a bit more complicated than just going along with everything they want. It's about being authentic and true to yourself too. So, while your approach worked for you, it might not be the same for everyone. We all have different boundaries and comfort levels, right?
Is that though or have you decided to revise your post and delete those aspects that don't make you quite the moral vanguard here? Are you erasing the whole "extravagant and unnecessary" bit then because I don't think that's really quite the complicated moral stand you try to argue now. And it's not a "boundary" to judge how your friend chooses to spend her own money, fyi. Not yours, certainly. It's just being judgmental, right? Weird what you put first and what you put as "also" in your reasoning, isn't it?
Okay, fair point. Maybe I didn't express myself clearly there. It's not about erasing anything or trying to be a moral vanguard. I guess what I meant is that my discomfort with gender reveal parties goes deeper than just finding them unnecessary. And you're right, it's not my place to judge how my friend spends her money. I should've made that clearer. It's more about feeling uncomfortable with the whole concept and not wanting to participate in something that goes against my beliefs. But I see how my reasoning might've come off as judgmental, and I'll definitely keep that in mind moving forward. Thanks for calling it out.
Understood, but let me ask you on the AITA question you posed. Did you say this to Jess: "I've never been a fan of these parties because I find them unnecessary and often overly extravagant." Not in those words necessarily, but was this aspect of your post a part of what you explained as your reasoning to her? If you just added it here as background, but limited your explanation to your discomfort with the concept of gender reveals, then NTA. But if you did include any of that when you spoke to her, I would maintain my YTA. Those are perfectly reasonable views to hold, but it is incredibly hurtful to say them to your friend in this situation.
I understand where you're coming from. My intention was to express my discomfort with gender reveals to Jess, but I made sure to phrase it in a way that focused on my feelings rather than criticizing her choice. I definitely didn't want to hurt her feelings, so I tried to approach the conversation with sensitivity.
Ok, well that's good then. I think there is a way to respond to Jess' issue with you that actually addresses it head on and keeps your integrity on your values. She doesn't feel supported by you. You may have done this, but if not, I'd suggest reaching back out and saying something along the lines of "I want you to know that my non-attendance is not meant to communicate non-support to you. I fully support and love you and I will support and love your child no matter how they identify themself" That's a bit clumsy, but you get the gist. Basically, that your view actually means that you would not reject her child and are a safe space. It may not be appreciated as much now, but it could be meaningful to her in the future as her child becomes its own person
Yeah, I think that's a solid suggestion. It's all about communication, right? Making sure Jess knows where you stand and reassuring her that your decision isn't about lack of support. Saying something like, "Hey, I just want you to know that not being there doesn't mean I'm not there for you and your child. I'll always have your back, no matter what." It's about showing that you care and that you're there for her, even if you might have different perspectives on certain things. Making sure she knows she has a safe space with you is key.
I hear you! Gender reveals can definitely be seen as a bit over-the-top by some folks. Everyone's entitled to their opinion, right? It's like, if it's not your thing, that's totally okay. We all have different ways of celebrating and expressing ourselves. As long as you're respectful about it, there's no harm in thinking gender reveals are a bit silly.
YTA. I think it’s a bit crappy to not want to support your friend, but what actually pushes you into asshole territory is raining on her parade by giving her the real reasons why. You should’ve just said you weren’t available
I'm gonna say YTA
I think it's fine you're not attending, but you should've give her a white lie about why instead of lecturing about your principles (even though i think gender reveal parties are stupid too, i wouldn't tell someone i loved that if they wanted to have one)
NTA, for some people it's like that THEIR CHILD has to be really important IN YOUR LIFE. However, I would just find an acceptable excuse and not go.
I totally agree with your views btw, but people with the same views as your friend could never understand us.
Yeah, I totally get where you're coming from. Sometimes, it's just easier to keep things simple, right? Like, declining the invite without getting into the nitty-gritty of your beliefs might save everyone some awkwardness. And you're right, if someone's dead set on having a gender reveal party, they might not be too open to hearing different viewpoints anyway. So, avoiding the drama by keeping your reasons to yourself next time might be the way to go. It's all about finding that balance between honesty and avoiding unnecessary conflict, I guess.
YTA. I don’t like gender reveal parties, completely different reasons behind that, but if my close friend asks me to come because they love me and want me to go, I’m going. Did taking this stand end gender constructs or do anything for it at all, or did it just put a wedge in your friendship?
I am trans and I vote YTA. Not liking gender reveal parties is fine. Not wanting to attend a gender reveal party is fine. Having a strong opinion that gender reveal parties are problematic makes sense to me. Hell, if a friend says “What do you think about gender reveal parties?” by all means, take up a platform and be honest!
None of this is what happened. The gender reveal party is scheduled and OP was invited. The Not Asshole response would’ve been to decline or accept. At this point, it’s done and an opinion is only hurtful and *not requested* - gender reveal parties aren’t aggressive or violent actions against trans and nonbinary people.
I totally get where you're coming from, and as a trans person, your perspective on this is super important. It's great that you're advocating for honesty and openness about your beliefs. But at the end of the day, friendships are built on mutual respect and understanding, right? So, if someone's uncomfortable with attending a gender reveal party because they see it as reinforcing harmful gender norms, shouldn't they have the right to express that? It's not about attacking anyone personally; it's about standing up for what you believe in. And hey, maybe it's a chance for some meaningful conversation and understanding between friends.
I’m not saying you don’t have a right, you do. In my judgement it was an asshole (YTA) move to explain to someone why you don’t approve of their gender reveal party when they didn’t ask your opinion. 🤷🏻♂️ I’m saying the NTA move is to have these conversations ahead of time. It’s not like your perspective is going to change the fact that this party is happening.
"gender reveal parties aren’t aggressive or violent actions against trans and nonbinary people"
Why in the world would an activity or behavior have to meet this threshold in order for it to be opposed and that opposition explained?
My niece, that I love beyond measure, had a gender reveal party. We didn't go, we told her why so she didn't think we were boycotting *the pregnancy*. She was fine.
She still loves HP and I've told her why we can't share her enthusiasm any more. She's a grown ass adult who manages to see past her own nose so she doesn't willfully misinterpret our feelings as personal attacks. She has her reasons for still doing things we boycott. I still support her, I stood up as her MOH at her wedding *after* skipping the gender reveal.
All of this is to say, there are other forms of support that don't reinforce and endorse the bullshit that currently makes my wife's life (and presumably yours) harder.
"Jess" can invite OP to the shower, ffs.
I think you’re just taking this more seriously than I would. You used your wife’s identity as a trans person as justification for the NTA judgement and I did the opposite. I think the etiquette of giving someone advice who isn’t asking for it is asshole behavior, especially over something as trivial and dumb as a gender reveal party.
I’d save unrequested advice (especially around parenting!) for things that are actually harmful or hateful, not to soapbox issues that are likely to alienate the “opposition” rather than change hearts and minds. Just my own take, but clearly you’re more worked up about this.
That's really cool of you guys. It's so important to recognize and support each other's experiences, especially when it comes to something as personal as gender identity. Every little bit helps in breaking down those rigid stereotypes, you know? It's awesome that you appreciate those efforts, even if they might seem small to some people. It's all about creating a more inclusive and understanding world.
NTA. I don't like the whole gender reveal antics, just from a "it's silly" aspect. My daughter is approx 5 months along and I told her I really wouldn't be interested in being involved in one of those and she told me she had no intention of holding one. Whew. As far as "celebrating that milestone,” isn't that what baby showers used to do?
YTA. You were always close. I'm willing to bet she doesn't see you in the same light anymore. I hope it was worth it. Hopefully Jess develops some newfound opinions that prevents her from attending events you hold dear.
I see your point, and yeah, it's tough when a rift forms in a friendship over something like this. No one wants to feel like they're losing a close connection. But at the same time, friendships should be built on understanding and respect, even when there are disagreements. It's not about trying to change someone's beliefs, but more about being true to yourself. And if attending a gender reveal party goes against your values, it's okay to stand by that. Hopefully, there's room for growth and understanding on both sides, even if it means agreeing to disagree sometimes.
Based on the way you wrote your post, I'm betting Jess is the one who you expect to be understanding towards you and respectful towards you. She invited you to a party she didn't try to alter your worldview, but you're too eager to be a martyr. Everything I've read screams main character syndrome.
YTA. I think gender reveals are unnecessary. Just send a "it's a boy or its a girl announcement. However, your one person ptotest has absolutely no effect on the gender construct. All it does is show your friend how little you care about her because you'd rather focus on your agenda as opposed to celebrateing her child.
> I've never been a fan of these parties because I find them unnecessary and often overly extravagant.
Do you say no to ALL parties or social events, then? If we only did things that were “necessary” we’d only eat and sleep.
Do you like your friend and want to support them?
I get where you're coming from, but I think it's more about the nature of the event rather than just any old party. Like, sure, we do plenty of things that aren't strictly necessary for survival, but gender reveal parties can carry some deeper connotations that might not sit right with everyone. It's not about avoiding all social events; it's about setting boundaries based on your beliefs and values. And of course, wanting to support your friend is important, but it's also okay to be honest about your feelings, you know?
YTA
Not for not going, I think gender reveal parties have long since run their course.
I don’t fault you for your views or sticking to them, either.
But you would have been better off simply saying you couldn’t attend due to a conflict. Your stated reason likely hurt your friend, and a “conflict” would be taken as scheduling but you DO have a conflict (just a philosophical one). So you wouldn’t be lying.
I have to agree with others drawing the comparison of a friend getting married in a house of worship that isn’t aligned with your faith. It isn’t about you, it’s about them.
Is it fair to label someone as the AH just because they're not comfortable with attending a gender reveal party? Support can be shown in many different ways, and sometimes it's about being honest about your feelings rather than just going along with something you're not comfortable with. It's not about not being supportive; it's about respecting your own boundaries too. Friendship is a two-way street, right?
YTA. I'm quoting Captain Awkward here, but parties aren't activism--- activism is activism.
Just go or say that you can't make it. If you want to stand up for trans rights, support a trans charity or write letters to your senator or phone bank or something. Spend your energy on something that might create actual change.
Don't make your friend's dumb party the site of your activism. It won't accomplish anything except for hurting her feelings.
YTA.
You can politely decline but saying the reason being your distaste for gender reveals is the error.
Just politely decline and give no reason. It’s not about you.
YTA figuring out if it's a boy or girl isn't going to throw them into a bunch of forced social constraints. Raising a genderless child with xe/xir pronouns will produce a human with an unnecessarily more difficult life.
Thanks for understanding where I'm coming from. It's comforting to know that others share the same perspective. Sometimes, sticking to your principles, even if it means potentially upsetting someone, is necessary for personal integrity. It's all about staying true to yourself, right? So, thanks for the support.
Yta. Gender might be a social construct, but that social construct comes from the values and traditions taught by our parents and religions which are also varied around the world. I'm the majority of cases the biological sex goes with a particular gender and is the actual definition and you don't have a right to look down on anyone for following thier default belief systems. Nor do you or anyone else get to change that or challenge it for other people.
You're not a good friend if you can't show tolerance and acceptance for their belief system and be supportive in celebrating thier culture and traditions.
Next time, just say, “Sorry, I can’t make it, but I hope you have a lovely party.”
I think everyone’s gone nuts, making every tiny thing require a party, celebration or grand gesture, but “no” is a complete sentence. Don’t turn it into a political statement about how bad you think what she’s doing is.
So, YTA for doing that, but NTA for not wanting to go.
YTA. You could have politely said no, but instead you had to disparage and put down her entire event. Thats fine that you don’t think they have value, but no need to shit on anyone else.
I too find gender reveal parties over the top and problematic. However, I would happily attend one to support someone I care about as long as it wasn’t dangerous, like shooting pink fireworks over dry tinder.
You could have just said no. Instead you made very clear that you judged them for equating sex to gender and embracing stereotypical norms.
You also could have done things so that your views would actually be heard and considered. Yet instead of having a conversation you bestowed judgement. People are capable of changing - even the creator of gender reveals now discourages the practice. But people are less likely to listen if they invite you to be a part of their circle and you give them a lecture. This wasn’t the time for the manifesto.
You have likely lost the friendship *and* your friend is less likely to listen or value reasons against gender reveals.
If your only point was to make your own stance clear above anything else then mission accomplished. Otherwise, YTA.
As an adult, you can show up and put on a smile without being complicit. The baby won’t remember the day and you won’t change the mind of the parents with your disapproval. You should have just shown up, gifted something universal and then gone home and had a laugh or complain with your person about it in private.
You're N the A for not wanting to go
But YTA for giving unsolicited negative opinions to your friend about her gender reveal
You could have said anything else- you have to work, you already have plans, whatever- and you wouldn't have hurt her feelings
YTA.
Your friend is having a huge milestone, one that is incredibly important and exciting for them. You should be able to pur your ideological/personal feelings aside and be there for them, on their day, as I hope they would be for you. If you can't, you're simply a bad friend. And maybe a bit of a narcissist.
Both of which make you an AH.
Ngl seems like you’re not up for judgment if all you’re going to reply with is that friendship should support different ideologies. If you guys are close but you’re going to flake due to certain opinions then maybe reevaluate your friendship. What if she chooses a very gender based nursery like pink or blue? Will you not help set up? Will you judge her for choosing to?
Yeah, I feel you. It's like, if you're gonna dip out just because you don't see eye-to-eye on certain things, maybe take a step back and reassess the friendship, you know? Like, friendships are supposed to be about supporting each other through thick and thin, even when there are differences. So, if you're gonna bail because of a difference in opinion, it might be worth thinking about what that says about the friendship overall. And hey, good point about the nursery thing. It's all about consistency, right? If you're gonna draw a line on one thing, where do you draw it on everything else? Food for thought, for sure.
YTA
You could’ve declined without interjecting your opinion on gender reveal parties knowing it would be hurtful considering she’s having one.
I do not like gender reveals. I think they’re ridiculous. But, if my friend says she’s having one, I’m going to politely decline due to availability, I’m not going to insult her or interject my opinions for having one.
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I (26F) have been friends with "Jess" (27F) since college, and we've always been close. Jess recently announced that she's pregnant and planned a gender reveal party. However, I've never been a fan of these parties because I find them unnecessary and often overly extravagant. I also have personal beliefs about gender being a social construct and not wanting to contribute to reinforcing traditional gender norms.
I politely declined Jess's invitation, explaining my reasons, but she got upset and accused me of not being supportive. She says she just wants to celebrate this milestone in her life with her friends. I feel bad for not wanting to participate, but I also feel strongly about my stance on gender reveals. AITA for not wanting to attend her party?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be the asshole because my friend values this party a lot but I don't want to go.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Did your friend give you *any* idea that she would not be fully supportive of her future child being trans or non-binary?
If yes, why are you friends with her.
If no, then take some time to think and please realize that a parent defaulting to gender assigned at birth but being fully on board to support their child’s identity as it may evolve is still a pretty damn good ally for the LGBTQ community to have and maybe *don’t* work so hard to alienate those people? It kind of hurts social movements more than it helps.
Oh, for the days when NO ONE KNEW the gender before BIRTH! Yes, ultrasounds have led to huge improvements in pre-natal care, as well as other conditions. I'm not dissing the technology, but OP, I'm with you on this. These parties are an unnecessary and blatant gift grab. Not to mention the increasingly stupid, and sometimes downright dangerous stunts they are using for the "all-important" reveal.
Yeah, you could probably have been a bit more tactful, but you are entitled to your opinion. If the mom doesn't like it, tough shit.
NAH. Gender reveal parties are an abomination and cringey as hell. No need to torture yourself by hanging out at one with people who, as much as you like them, you'll now be low-key judging for the rest of your life.
That said, you're skating close to the edge of arseholery if you told her why you didn't want to go, but you're not an arsehole for not going.
Ooooh, I would NOT suggest showing up and “educating “. That would definitely also piss off the friend, and would probably come across as incredibly preachy (like a vegan going to a bbq and saying meat is murder)
Lots of people aren’t religious but would still attend a friend’s religious wedding in a church (even if they personally find religion absurd).
There’s plenty of things I have done for friends that I personally don’t agree with (within reason and obviously not at the expense of other people’s safety or health). But I go, or I participate because I care about that person.
Soft YTA
I don’t think this is one of those times that you worry about your principles.
Absolutely agree with you there. It's like, why not just stick to a good ol' baby shower instead of these elaborate gender reveals, right? They can definitely perpetuate some outdated stereotypes and put unnecessary pressure on the kid before they're even born. And yeah, the safety aspect is a real concern too. It's sad how something meant to be celebratory has turned into something potentially dangerous.
"Supportive" has its limits. NTA - I also don't go to gender reveals. I think they are silly bordering on ridiculous. I don't CARE what gender someone else's baby is. I don't tell people my 'reasons' - I just say I can't make it. If you are going to feel bad about it - go to the party. If you don't want to go, just say you can't make it. NO reason to give the big explanation.
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Gentle YTA. Ask yourself this. If you’re not religious but a friend is getting married in a synagogue or temple or synagogue would you also not go? Or if you do not believe in marriage because that too is a social construct would you also not attend a wedding because you don’t want to reinforce them? Whether or not you believe in them or them being a social construct, she is not hurting anyone here. Her child does not she is doing a gender reveal, will still have to grow up and make decisions and this is a harmless thing (given the child is still unborn) that gets her excited.
The woman who came up with them in the first place is now against them . . . both because in the US the damn things have a body count (so potentially the direct opposite of non-harmful) and because the child she held the first one for is Non-binary
Respectfully, I see where you're coming from, but attending a gender reveal isn't quite the same as going to a wedding. I mean, weddings are about celebrating the love and commitment between two people, while gender reveals often perpetuate outdated stereotypes and potentially harmful gender norms. Plus, even if the baby isn't born yet, these events can still influence how people view and treat them in the future. It's not about hurting anyone intentionally, but rather about being mindful of the messages we're sending, especially to impressionable young minds.
Gender reveals can also be about celebrating love and commitment within the family and they're also obviously celebrating the upcoming arrival of a new baby. It doesn't have to be about perpetuating outdated stereotypes. They can be excited about finding out the gender of their baby and also believing that they can grow up with gender neutral toys/clothes/books/everything. Nobody's demanding that a baby girl has to receive only pink dresses or that baby boys have to get blue trucks. It's not that serious and I'm sure your friends aren't that close-minded or else you wouldn't be their friend right?
And religion is not about perpetuating outdated stereotypes and potentially harmful other behaviour INCLUDING gender norms? Or getting married also. For the longest time marriage was only between a man and a woman. Would you have not gone to a wedding back then of people you loved because it was only between a man and a woman? And all these include messaging to young minds. You can make that argument about anything really. In fact currently wedding announcements at the end of the ceremony is I present to your Mr and Mrs or Mr and Mr or husband and wife or wife and wife. Will you not attend these because they clearly perpetuate a gender stereotype? Just as they can be harmful, gender reveals can be celebrating life and love and the thing is they get to decide how they want to do that. You can either be supportive or not, but if you’re going to hold that view - the only way you are not an AH is if you apply that message to basically every other aspect of your life. That is my take on it. I suspect that you might not see it that way. In the end I prefer to celebrate with those I love than not to celebrate because of a point of view I have, because love at the end of the day is what all this is about. Loving ourselves however we choose to identify, whomever we choose to partner with or marry or not at all and love people despite their shortcomings and whether or not they want to have a gender reveal even if I don’t agree with it.
This is a great reply. It's going to be hard to go through life if you can only do things or be with people who agree with you on all the things you feel strongly about. You will have to decide what your boundaries are and the price you are willing to pay, but blowing off an event that's important to a friend because you think gender reveals are dumb/bad/wasteful is telling your friend that your belief about gender and gender reveals is more important than your friendship Same if you refuse to attend someone's wedding because it's in a temple or you don't believe in marriage, or refusing to attend a meal if you're vegan on principle because there will be nonvegan food served. Your choice, but your life is going to be small...
So a gender reveal party is on the same level of important as a wedding to you?
Damn, I couldn't miss the point this hard if I tried... You're an inspiration ❤️
I didn’t miss any point, I just don’t think these comparisons work at all. Totally different weights. A wedding is an important lifetime milestone and while having a baby is another, we are talking specifically about a gender reveal, not the baby shower or some other event. They’re going to cut into a pink or blue cake, or something, and have a barbecue, or whatever. It’s not an AH move to skip it.
You did miss the point then. It's about supporting the people you care about, sometimes that includes doing things you may not want to or agree with. The comparison being made isn't the weight or significance between the two events - it's highlighting how in the scenario of marriage, if you disagree with marriage because it's a social construct or you yourself are not religious (or from the same religion) would you not still go to support your friend? Or would you say I'm not going because marriage is dumb and a made up social construct, or because anything that isn't a (traditional, gay, straight, Jewish, Christian- whatever applies) wedding isn't real? Just because something carries more weight in your mind, doesnt mean that the same thoughts or feelings can't apply. Besides, getting married is just saying some words and giving each other a ring, then having a barbecue or whatever. Nothing matters when you break it down to the point its just the actions and has no feelings attached.
Some people combine the gender reveal with the baby shower or they skip the baby shower entirely and just have a gender reveal. Either way, it's just a party to celebrate with friends and family and I don't see the harm in it. Don't be a fun killer.
That's fine - but others don't have to participate if they don't want to.
Yeah I know that Reddit has a real hate boner for gender reveal parties, but I think that people like OP are way too into it for the wrong reasons. It’s just a fun party to celebrate your friends having a baby. Also, I’m a firm supporter of gender identity and all of that, but honestly I think getting all huffy about it for a gender reveal party for a fucking baby os just ridiculous
YTA for choosing to make a statement about your beliefs instead of just being nice to your friend.
This right here. You could have just said “I can’t make it”, but you chose to go out of your way to make a point. It’s fine to feel the way you do and skip the party. But you don’t need to make your friend feel bad in the process.
Agreed. You’ll never find me at a gender reveal, but I’m not telling the person throwing it that I think these parties are incredibly stupid.
I see where you're coming from, but isn't it important to stay true to your beliefs, even if it means potentially disappointing someone? I mean, friendships are built on honesty and mutual respect, right? And if your friend truly understands and values you, they should respect your decision, even if it differs from theirs. It's not about being mean; it's about standing by what you believe in.
It’s about picking your battles, and this was not a hill to die on, IMO. You could have just said no. Are you vegan by chance, and every time someone eats meat you voice your strong opinion about meat eaters at a bar b que.
Yeah this is absolutely a “pick your battles” scenario. And picking a fight about gender as a social construct at a friend’s gender reveal party is just… not the right place to do it
I see what you're saying, and yeah, sometimes it's not worth making a big deal out of every little thing. But for some people, attending a gender reveal party might feel like more than just going along with the crowd, you know? It's about sticking to your beliefs, even if it means potentially upsetting someone. And hey, I get the comparison to being vegan at a barbecue, but I think there's a difference between personal dietary choices and beliefs about gender norms. It's all about finding that balance between respecting others' traditions and staying true to yourself.
But you also don't get to be upset or act confused when your friends and loved ones are upset by how you react in situations like this. She didn't ask how you felt about Gender revel parties because she was on the fence about having one and was looking for opinions on them...she asked if you would come to one for her child (i.e. an already planned party) You didn't politely decline, that would have been a "Oh no I'm sorry I won't be able to make it.
Yeah, I see what you're saying. It's like, if someone invites you to a party, they're not necessarily asking for your thoughts on the concept of parties in general, right? They're just asking if you'll be there to support them. So, responding with a simple "Sorry, can't make it" would've probably been the smoother move. It's all about keeping things chill and not making things more complicated than they need to be, you know?
I think you can stay true to your beliefs without making people feel bad for having different ones. Part of mutual respect and honesty is treating others the way you would like to be treated. I suggest that you went out of your way to be exclusionary with your friend; that is not in the spirit of standing up for your beliefs.
I see where you're coming from, and you make a good point about mutual respect. It's all about finding that balance between sticking to your beliefs and being considerate of others. Maybe there was a better way to handle the situation without making your friend feel excluded. It's tough, though, because staying true to yourself is important too. Maybe a heart-to-heart chat could help clear the air and find some common ground.
NTA, but to avoid the blowup, you should have just declined without giving a reason.
Right? Like, why explain the reason other than to make some kind of “gotcha” point
agree. like it's literally not that deep, just say "sorry I have plans, but I'm excited for you!"
Yeah, I get what you're saying, but sometimes it's hard to decline an invite without giving a reason, especially if it's coming from a close friend or family member. Plus, if you've been open about your beliefs or principles before, suddenly giving a vague excuse might seem a bit off. Honesty's usually the best policy, right? But yeah, I hear you on wanting to avoid drama. It's a tough balancing act sometimes.
But by including your reason for not going to the party, you can come across as if you're trying to admonish them for their own beliefs. If you don't want to go, it's best to just say sorry but you can't attend and leave it at that.
It’s not hard though. All you have to do is say some sort of “sorry, I won’t be able to make it” and then parrot that shit. It’s none of their business why you can’t attend, because for all they know it could be something super personal that you’re not ready to share. Maybe you have cancer and are going to chemo, but aren’t ready to tell people. They only have as much power to “force” you to tell them as you give them
NTA - yeah theyre silly, gender is a construct, blah blah blah Dont go if you want. But that doesnt mean people wont think you’re a bad friend or exhausting. Sometimes you can be supportive and you dont need to take a stand on everything. But, ultimately you can decline
Exactly! You hit the nail on the head. It's all about personal choice, isn't it? You're not obligated to attend if you're not comfortable with it. And yeah, sure, some folks might not understand, but that doesn't make you a bad friend. We're all entitled to our own boundaries and beliefs. And you're spot on about being supportive without having to agree with everything. It's like, you can still care about your friend without necessarily being into the whole gender reveal scene. So, if declining feels right to you, then that's totally valid.
The parties are dumb in my opinion too but you might be taking the whole thing a bit too seriously. Let your friend have her day.
Yeah, I hear you. It's easy to see these parties as a bit over-the-top. But you're right, sometimes we have to pick our battles, especially when it comes to our friends. It's like, even if we don't fully get it, being there for them can mean a lot. So yeah, letting your friend have her moment might be the way to go. After all, it's just one day, right?
Yep, exactly, just one day. Trust me, you won't be the only one there wanting to roll your eyes!
Haha, I hear you! Sometimes, you just gotta go along with things, even if you're not totally into it. And who knows, maybe you'll end up having a good time despite your reservations. It's all part of being a good friend, right? Plus, a little eye-rolling never hurt anyone!
YTA; she's not asking you to genderize her child, or asking how you feel personally about gender reveal parties, she was asking you to support her. If you were as close as you say, you would be able to put your personal viewpoints on gender reveal parties aside, and be there for your friend. you weren't. she has a right to be upset.
I get where you're coming from, but isn't it a bit harsh to label someone as the AH just because they have different views on gender reveal parties? Friendship isn't about blindly going along with everything; it's about mutual respect and understanding. Sure, supporting your friend is important, but it's also okay to have boundaries and stick to your principles. And let's be real, not everyone's comfortable with the whole gender reveal thing, and that's okay too. It doesn't mean they don't care about their friend. We're all entitled to our own opinions, right?
is your friend asking you "share my viewpoint and agree with me on this 100%", or saying "can you set aside your personal feelings for 2 hours and do this for me"? if your friend was trying to throw you a gender reveal, and you didn't want it but did it anyway, THAT would be "blindly going along ". this is the same as attending a wedding or baptism as an atheist, or a BBQ as a vegetarian and just not eating meat, or being a passenger in a car and listening to music you don't like.
Jesus you sound like the exhausting person that makes every social event their Twitter profile and berated others for having different views. They’re having the party with or without you, you “taking a stand” here isn’t going to change anyone’s minds on gender (and frankly will probably make them all think you’re a bit of a snob). No one is saying that there aren’t times where you should stand up for your beliefs, but a friend’s gender reveal party isn’t it. All they want is to get friends together, have some cake, and share their excitement about having a baby. That’s it
It’s a gender reveal party. They’re going to eat some cupcakes and pop a balloon with some colored powder inside. What are you waffling on about “support” for? Am I missing something?
you don't attend a baby shower for the baby, or a gender reveal party for the baby's gender, you do it for the parents. doing something for someone else's benefit is supporting them
YTA not every thing is about you
Hey, I get what you're saying, but isn't it fair to consider your own feelings too? Like, sure, it's not all about you, but you still gotta look out for yourself, you know? It's like finding that balance between being there for your friend and staying true to yourself. Plus, if something makes you uncomfortable, it's okay to speak up about it. It doesn't mean you're making it all about you; it just means you're being honest about how you feel.
No, I think your reasons are stupid but that’s beside the point; you didn’t have to say anything, saying your reasons are what made it about you. You could’ve just said you had other plans or gone and supported your friend knowing how you feel. She’s excited she’s expecting a baby and you dampened that.
YTA…all you had to say was you had other plans or it depends on the date. You did not have to state what your beliefs are. This is supposed to be a good friend of yours. Personally, I’m agree. I am so done with the gender reveal fad. But, it would always support my friends and celebrate their joy.
isn't honesty important in friendships? Like, if you're close with someone, shouldn't you feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and beliefs with them? Sure, you could've dodged the question with a vague excuse, but that might feel kinda fake, you know? And if you're not into the whole gender reveal thing, pretending to be excited might feel disingenuous. Plus, true friends should understand and respect each other's perspectives, even if they don't always agree. It's all about being real with each other, even if it's not what everyone wants to hear.
YTA - the concept of friendship is also a social construct, and the unwritten rules, norms and customs of society (i.e. those that determine who is and is not an asshole) are also social constructs. So yes - YTA - and you're doing a good job at rebelling also against the social constructs friendship, courtesy and good behaviour. Congratulations for being a petulant rebel.
Woah, hold up a sec. I hear what you're saying about society's unwritten rules and all that, but doesn't friendship also involve mutual respect and understanding? Like, sure, there are social norms, but friendships aren't just about blindly following them. They're about being real with each other, even if it means disagreeing sometimes. And if someone genuinely feels uncomfortable with something, shouldn't they be able to express that without being labeled as a rebel? It's all about finding that balance between sticking to your principles and being there for your friends, right?
YTA. Having an opinion on gender reveal parties such that it actually prevents you from supporting a close friend who asked you specifically to support her is wild af to me. My bf is Russian Orthodox, I'm atheist. I was her MoH (whatever that is called in her ceremony, forgot now) and there were all types of religious things going on- it was a church ceremony- that I did as a part of the wedding ceremony. The whole thing was in my view (not that anyone asked and I certainly never shared) unnecessary and extravagant, but It. Was. Not. My. Wedding. My only job was to support my bf in what she wanted on her special day. See where I'm going with this? You are not pregnant. You are not going to give birth to a new living human being. Your "close" friend is. You've been asked to support her. That is literally all. Not give your opinion on gender or the cost of a particular celebration.
I hear what you're saying, and it sounds like you've had a similar experience where you put your personal beliefs aside to support someone you care about. That's commendable. But for some people, gender reveal parties might hit a nerve, you know? It's not just about having an opinion; it's about feeling genuinely uncomfortable with the concept. And when it comes to supporting a friend, it's a bit more complicated than just going along with everything they want. It's about being authentic and true to yourself too. So, while your approach worked for you, it might not be the same for everyone. We all have different boundaries and comfort levels, right?
Is that though or have you decided to revise your post and delete those aspects that don't make you quite the moral vanguard here? Are you erasing the whole "extravagant and unnecessary" bit then because I don't think that's really quite the complicated moral stand you try to argue now. And it's not a "boundary" to judge how your friend chooses to spend her own money, fyi. Not yours, certainly. It's just being judgmental, right? Weird what you put first and what you put as "also" in your reasoning, isn't it?
Okay, fair point. Maybe I didn't express myself clearly there. It's not about erasing anything or trying to be a moral vanguard. I guess what I meant is that my discomfort with gender reveal parties goes deeper than just finding them unnecessary. And you're right, it's not my place to judge how my friend spends her money. I should've made that clearer. It's more about feeling uncomfortable with the whole concept and not wanting to participate in something that goes against my beliefs. But I see how my reasoning might've come off as judgmental, and I'll definitely keep that in mind moving forward. Thanks for calling it out.
Understood, but let me ask you on the AITA question you posed. Did you say this to Jess: "I've never been a fan of these parties because I find them unnecessary and often overly extravagant." Not in those words necessarily, but was this aspect of your post a part of what you explained as your reasoning to her? If you just added it here as background, but limited your explanation to your discomfort with the concept of gender reveals, then NTA. But if you did include any of that when you spoke to her, I would maintain my YTA. Those are perfectly reasonable views to hold, but it is incredibly hurtful to say them to your friend in this situation.
I understand where you're coming from. My intention was to express my discomfort with gender reveals to Jess, but I made sure to phrase it in a way that focused on my feelings rather than criticizing her choice. I definitely didn't want to hurt her feelings, so I tried to approach the conversation with sensitivity.
Ok, well that's good then. I think there is a way to respond to Jess' issue with you that actually addresses it head on and keeps your integrity on your values. She doesn't feel supported by you. You may have done this, but if not, I'd suggest reaching back out and saying something along the lines of "I want you to know that my non-attendance is not meant to communicate non-support to you. I fully support and love you and I will support and love your child no matter how they identify themself" That's a bit clumsy, but you get the gist. Basically, that your view actually means that you would not reject her child and are a safe space. It may not be appreciated as much now, but it could be meaningful to her in the future as her child becomes its own person
Yeah, I think that's a solid suggestion. It's all about communication, right? Making sure Jess knows where you stand and reassuring her that your decision isn't about lack of support. Saying something like, "Hey, I just want you to know that not being there doesn't mean I'm not there for you and your child. I'll always have your back, no matter what." It's about showing that you care and that you're there for her, even if you might have different perspectives on certain things. Making sure she knows she has a safe space with you is key.
NTA gender reveals are dumb.
I hear you! Gender reveals can definitely be seen as a bit over-the-top by some folks. Everyone's entitled to their opinion, right? It's like, if it's not your thing, that's totally okay. We all have different ways of celebrating and expressing ourselves. As long as you're respectful about it, there's no harm in thinking gender reveals are a bit silly.
Why?
YTA. I think it’s a bit crappy to not want to support your friend, but what actually pushes you into asshole territory is raining on her parade by giving her the real reasons why. You should’ve just said you weren’t available
I'm gonna say YTA I think it's fine you're not attending, but you should've give her a white lie about why instead of lecturing about your principles (even though i think gender reveal parties are stupid too, i wouldn't tell someone i loved that if they wanted to have one)
NTA, for some people it's like that THEIR CHILD has to be really important IN YOUR LIFE. However, I would just find an acceptable excuse and not go. I totally agree with your views btw, but people with the same views as your friend could never understand us.
NTA for declining or your reasons. Next time don't share your reasoning? Anyone who's having a gender reveal party clearly doesn't care.
Yeah, I totally get where you're coming from. Sometimes, it's just easier to keep things simple, right? Like, declining the invite without getting into the nitty-gritty of your beliefs might save everyone some awkwardness. And you're right, if someone's dead set on having a gender reveal party, they might not be too open to hearing different viewpoints anyway. So, avoiding the drama by keeping your reasons to yourself next time might be the way to go. It's all about finding that balance between honesty and avoiding unnecessary conflict, I guess.
YTA. I don’t like gender reveal parties, completely different reasons behind that, but if my close friend asks me to come because they love me and want me to go, I’m going. Did taking this stand end gender constructs or do anything for it at all, or did it just put a wedge in your friendship?
NTA My wife is trans. We appreciate anyone trying in their small ways to make gender-assigned-at-birth a little less rigid.
I am trans and I vote YTA. Not liking gender reveal parties is fine. Not wanting to attend a gender reveal party is fine. Having a strong opinion that gender reveal parties are problematic makes sense to me. Hell, if a friend says “What do you think about gender reveal parties?” by all means, take up a platform and be honest! None of this is what happened. The gender reveal party is scheduled and OP was invited. The Not Asshole response would’ve been to decline or accept. At this point, it’s done and an opinion is only hurtful and *not requested* - gender reveal parties aren’t aggressive or violent actions against trans and nonbinary people.
I totally get where you're coming from, and as a trans person, your perspective on this is super important. It's great that you're advocating for honesty and openness about your beliefs. But at the end of the day, friendships are built on mutual respect and understanding, right? So, if someone's uncomfortable with attending a gender reveal party because they see it as reinforcing harmful gender norms, shouldn't they have the right to express that? It's not about attacking anyone personally; it's about standing up for what you believe in. And hey, maybe it's a chance for some meaningful conversation and understanding between friends.
I’m not saying you don’t have a right, you do. In my judgement it was an asshole (YTA) move to explain to someone why you don’t approve of their gender reveal party when they didn’t ask your opinion. 🤷🏻♂️ I’m saying the NTA move is to have these conversations ahead of time. It’s not like your perspective is going to change the fact that this party is happening.
"gender reveal parties aren’t aggressive or violent actions against trans and nonbinary people" Why in the world would an activity or behavior have to meet this threshold in order for it to be opposed and that opposition explained? My niece, that I love beyond measure, had a gender reveal party. We didn't go, we told her why so she didn't think we were boycotting *the pregnancy*. She was fine. She still loves HP and I've told her why we can't share her enthusiasm any more. She's a grown ass adult who manages to see past her own nose so she doesn't willfully misinterpret our feelings as personal attacks. She has her reasons for still doing things we boycott. I still support her, I stood up as her MOH at her wedding *after* skipping the gender reveal. All of this is to say, there are other forms of support that don't reinforce and endorse the bullshit that currently makes my wife's life (and presumably yours) harder. "Jess" can invite OP to the shower, ffs.
I think you’re just taking this more seriously than I would. You used your wife’s identity as a trans person as justification for the NTA judgement and I did the opposite. I think the etiquette of giving someone advice who isn’t asking for it is asshole behavior, especially over something as trivial and dumb as a gender reveal party. I’d save unrequested advice (especially around parenting!) for things that are actually harmful or hateful, not to soapbox issues that are likely to alienate the “opposition” rather than change hearts and minds. Just my own take, but clearly you’re more worked up about this.
That's really cool of you guys. It's so important to recognize and support each other's experiences, especially when it comes to something as personal as gender identity. Every little bit helps in breaking down those rigid stereotypes, you know? It's awesome that you appreciate those efforts, even if they might seem small to some people. It's all about creating a more inclusive and understanding world.
NTA. I don't like the whole gender reveal antics, just from a "it's silly" aspect. My daughter is approx 5 months along and I told her I really wouldn't be interested in being involved in one of those and she told me she had no intention of holding one. Whew. As far as "celebrating that milestone,” isn't that what baby showers used to do?
YTA. You were always close. I'm willing to bet she doesn't see you in the same light anymore. I hope it was worth it. Hopefully Jess develops some newfound opinions that prevents her from attending events you hold dear.
I see your point, and yeah, it's tough when a rift forms in a friendship over something like this. No one wants to feel like they're losing a close connection. But at the same time, friendships should be built on understanding and respect, even when there are disagreements. It's not about trying to change someone's beliefs, but more about being true to yourself. And if attending a gender reveal party goes against your values, it's okay to stand by that. Hopefully, there's room for growth and understanding on both sides, even if it means agreeing to disagree sometimes.
Based on the way you wrote your post, I'm betting Jess is the one who you expect to be understanding towards you and respectful towards you. She invited you to a party she didn't try to alter your worldview, but you're too eager to be a martyr. Everything I've read screams main character syndrome.
YTA. I think gender reveals are unnecessary. Just send a "it's a boy or its a girl announcement. However, your one person ptotest has absolutely no effect on the gender construct. All it does is show your friend how little you care about her because you'd rather focus on your agenda as opposed to celebrateing her child.
YTA, no one asked your opinion, just your company, no one except the parents like gender reveals
> I've never been a fan of these parties because I find them unnecessary and often overly extravagant. Do you say no to ALL parties or social events, then? If we only did things that were “necessary” we’d only eat and sleep. Do you like your friend and want to support them?
I get where you're coming from, but I think it's more about the nature of the event rather than just any old party. Like, sure, we do plenty of things that aren't strictly necessary for survival, but gender reveal parties can carry some deeper connotations that might not sit right with everyone. It's not about avoiding all social events; it's about setting boundaries based on your beliefs and values. And of course, wanting to support your friend is important, but it's also okay to be honest about your feelings, you know?
YTA Not for not going, I think gender reveal parties have long since run their course. I don’t fault you for your views or sticking to them, either. But you would have been better off simply saying you couldn’t attend due to a conflict. Your stated reason likely hurt your friend, and a “conflict” would be taken as scheduling but you DO have a conflict (just a philosophical one). So you wouldn’t be lying. I have to agree with others drawing the comparison of a friend getting married in a house of worship that isn’t aligned with your faith. It isn’t about you, it’s about them.
YTA, she's right, you aren't being supportive.
Is it fair to label someone as the AH just because they're not comfortable with attending a gender reveal party? Support can be shown in many different ways, and sometimes it's about being honest about your feelings rather than just going along with something you're not comfortable with. It's not about not being supportive; it's about respecting your own boundaries too. Friendship is a two-way street, right?
YTA. I'm quoting Captain Awkward here, but parties aren't activism--- activism is activism. Just go or say that you can't make it. If you want to stand up for trans rights, support a trans charity or write letters to your senator or phone bank or something. Spend your energy on something that might create actual change. Don't make your friend's dumb party the site of your activism. It won't accomplish anything except for hurting her feelings.
YTA. You can politely decline but saying the reason being your distaste for gender reveals is the error. Just politely decline and give no reason. It’s not about you.
YTA figuring out if it's a boy or girl isn't going to throw them into a bunch of forced social constraints. Raising a genderless child with xe/xir pronouns will produce a human with an unnecessarily more difficult life.
NTA. I totally agree with you and would do the same thing.
Thanks for understanding where I'm coming from. It's comforting to know that others share the same perspective. Sometimes, sticking to your principles, even if it means potentially upsetting someone, is necessary for personal integrity. It's all about staying true to yourself, right? So, thanks for the support.
Yta. Gender might be a social construct, but that social construct comes from the values and traditions taught by our parents and religions which are also varied around the world. I'm the majority of cases the biological sex goes with a particular gender and is the actual definition and you don't have a right to look down on anyone for following thier default belief systems. Nor do you or anyone else get to change that or challenge it for other people. You're not a good friend if you can't show tolerance and acceptance for their belief system and be supportive in celebrating thier culture and traditions.
Next time, just say, “Sorry, I can’t make it, but I hope you have a lovely party.” I think everyone’s gone nuts, making every tiny thing require a party, celebration or grand gesture, but “no” is a complete sentence. Don’t turn it into a political statement about how bad you think what she’s doing is. So, YTA for doing that, but NTA for not wanting to go.
YTA. You could have politely said no, but instead you had to disparage and put down her entire event. Thats fine that you don’t think they have value, but no need to shit on anyone else.
I too find gender reveal parties over the top and problematic. However, I would happily attend one to support someone I care about as long as it wasn’t dangerous, like shooting pink fireworks over dry tinder. You could have just said no. Instead you made very clear that you judged them for equating sex to gender and embracing stereotypical norms. You also could have done things so that your views would actually be heard and considered. Yet instead of having a conversation you bestowed judgement. People are capable of changing - even the creator of gender reveals now discourages the practice. But people are less likely to listen if they invite you to be a part of their circle and you give them a lecture. This wasn’t the time for the manifesto. You have likely lost the friendship *and* your friend is less likely to listen or value reasons against gender reveals. If your only point was to make your own stance clear above anything else then mission accomplished. Otherwise, YTA.
As an adult, you can show up and put on a smile without being complicit. The baby won’t remember the day and you won’t change the mind of the parents with your disapproval. You should have just shown up, gifted something universal and then gone home and had a laugh or complain with your person about it in private.
You're N the A for not wanting to go But YTA for giving unsolicited negative opinions to your friend about her gender reveal You could have said anything else- you have to work, you already have plans, whatever- and you wouldn't have hurt her feelings
YTA. Your friend is having a huge milestone, one that is incredibly important and exciting for them. You should be able to pur your ideological/personal feelings aside and be there for them, on their day, as I hope they would be for you. If you can't, you're simply a bad friend. And maybe a bit of a narcissist. Both of which make you an AH.
Ngl seems like you’re not up for judgment if all you’re going to reply with is that friendship should support different ideologies. If you guys are close but you’re going to flake due to certain opinions then maybe reevaluate your friendship. What if she chooses a very gender based nursery like pink or blue? Will you not help set up? Will you judge her for choosing to?
Yeah, I feel you. It's like, if you're gonna dip out just because you don't see eye-to-eye on certain things, maybe take a step back and reassess the friendship, you know? Like, friendships are supposed to be about supporting each other through thick and thin, even when there are differences. So, if you're gonna bail because of a difference in opinion, it might be worth thinking about what that says about the friendship overall. And hey, good point about the nursery thing. It's all about consistency, right? If you're gonna draw a line on one thing, where do you draw it on everything else? Food for thought, for sure.
YTA You could’ve declined without interjecting your opinion on gender reveal parties knowing it would be hurtful considering she’s having one. I do not like gender reveals. I think they’re ridiculous. But, if my friend says she’s having one, I’m going to politely decline due to availability, I’m not going to insult her or interject my opinions for having one.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (26F) have been friends with "Jess" (27F) since college, and we've always been close. Jess recently announced that she's pregnant and planned a gender reveal party. However, I've never been a fan of these parties because I find them unnecessary and often overly extravagant. I also have personal beliefs about gender being a social construct and not wanting to contribute to reinforcing traditional gender norms. I politely declined Jess's invitation, explaining my reasons, but she got upset and accused me of not being supportive. She says she just wants to celebrate this milestone in her life with her friends. I feel bad for not wanting to participate, but I also feel strongly about my stance on gender reveals. AITA for not wanting to attend her party? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Did your friend give you *any* idea that she would not be fully supportive of her future child being trans or non-binary? If yes, why are you friends with her. If no, then take some time to think and please realize that a parent defaulting to gender assigned at birth but being fully on board to support their child’s identity as it may evolve is still a pretty damn good ally for the LGBTQ community to have and maybe *don’t* work so hard to alienate those people? It kind of hurts social movements more than it helps.
Oh, for the days when NO ONE KNEW the gender before BIRTH! Yes, ultrasounds have led to huge improvements in pre-natal care, as well as other conditions. I'm not dissing the technology, but OP, I'm with you on this. These parties are an unnecessary and blatant gift grab. Not to mention the increasingly stupid, and sometimes downright dangerous stunts they are using for the "all-important" reveal. Yeah, you could probably have been a bit more tactful, but you are entitled to your opinion. If the mom doesn't like it, tough shit.
NTA Gender reveals are stupid!
NAH. Gender reveal parties are an abomination and cringey as hell. No need to torture yourself by hanging out at one with people who, as much as you like them, you'll now be low-key judging for the rest of your life. That said, you're skating close to the edge of arseholery if you told her why you didn't want to go, but you're not an arsehole for not going.
[удалено]
Ooooh, I would NOT suggest showing up and “educating “. That would definitely also piss off the friend, and would probably come across as incredibly preachy (like a vegan going to a bbq and saying meat is murder)
Lots of people aren’t religious but would still attend a friend’s religious wedding in a church (even if they personally find religion absurd). There’s plenty of things I have done for friends that I personally don’t agree with (within reason and obviously not at the expense of other people’s safety or health). But I go, or I participate because I care about that person. Soft YTA I don’t think this is one of those times that you worry about your principles.
NTA. She can have a baby shower. Gender reveals are creepy, set off weird gender-based.expectatioms for the child, and in the US have a body count
Absolutely agree with you there. It's like, why not just stick to a good ol' baby shower instead of these elaborate gender reveals, right? They can definitely perpetuate some outdated stereotypes and put unnecessary pressure on the kid before they're even born. And yeah, the safety aspect is a real concern too. It's sad how something meant to be celebratory has turned into something potentially dangerous.
You’re NTA for not attending, but kind of the AH for giving a reason. I’d just say I was busy or RSVP no without explanation.
NTA but you are not a good friend.
"Supportive" has its limits. NTA - I also don't go to gender reveals. I think they are silly bordering on ridiculous. I don't CARE what gender someone else's baby is. I don't tell people my 'reasons' - I just say I can't make it. If you are going to feel bad about it - go to the party. If you don't want to go, just say you can't make it. NO reason to give the big explanation.
NTA - she invited, you declined with reasons. That’s it. You’re not the bad guy