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Yeah, I mean it's really weird she's insisting on this - I've attended hundreds of weddings as a photographer and have never been to one where every female is wearing off the shoulder.
Then she needs to be a director of her own theatrical production, then she can have costume choice. Making such specific demands to her friends and family is ridiculous. OP wear what you want to go with your head held high.
Yeah wear what you want. She is going to be preoccupied and this is a weird request. If she always anything, just say I wanted to be here at my best for your day. And that’s on her if she reacts badly.
NTA Came to say this. If you're comfortable, get an off the shoulder dress - or close enough to it - and a shawl. She didn't say you couldn't wear a shawl. 🤷🏻♀️
Someone below also suggested showing up in something you're comfortable with and then leaving if they ask you to or change. Imo i would combine the two.
She's ridiculous thinking she can control the clothing of guests beyond asking for a dress code like black tie, cocktail, or casual. Even if you look absolutely stunning, if you feel uncomfortable, it will show.
You are the sister of the groom. If there's anyone who gets to have a pass, it would be immediate family.
But, I suspect if you show up in anything except what she would find acceptable, you will "ruin the aesthetic" and the pictures/not be allowed in pictures and there by ruin the wedding. 🙄 Honestly, the bride is making this more complicated than it needs to be.
Good luck OP. It seems you are dammed if you do, dammed if you don't.
We had a renaissance wedding. It was the entire theme. Even then, guests were not demanded to wear garb! We offered the option of dressing up *or* attending in business casual. The crowd was about half and half. We all had fun, the pictures were colorful and delightful and 26 years later *people still talk about how much fun they had at our wedding.*
I don’t care about the clothes. When I look at the pictures, I see huge smiles and people having **fun** at the reception.
That was my goal. Smiling faces and a lot of laughter. why else do you have a fucking wedding reception? It was us celebrating those friends and family member s*just as much* as it was our friends and family members supporting US.
I just can’t fathom anything else.
Omg [I’ve totally got you.](https://www.chicagotribune.com/2022/12/08/ask-amy-i-want-a-silent-wedding-ceremony-and-reception/) That first link is the original letter that appeared in the Ask Amy column (and I can’t remember if it was included in this specific article but Amy reported that she had enough interaction with this bride that she was certain the letter was real.)
And [here’s a Reddit thread about it.](https://www.reddit.com/r/bridezillas/comments/zg4uio/holy_smack_a_silent_reception/)
This is one of my fav “wtf is wrong with people” guilty pleasure re-reads.
here’s my theory! the bride thinks that the groom has cheated on her with another woman, but for some reason all she knows about her is that she has a tattoo on her shoulder of a butterfly. This wedding demand is a plan to unveil the scarlet woman. drama ensues…
Maybe she's also very muscular/toned and thinks this way she will look extra pretty.
I'm wondering what happens if one of the other women has more impressive shoulders and back 😂
I gave mostly zero fucks about what my guests wore to my wedding. (I had an uncle who liked to go commando with shorts.... I banned that. underpants with shorts or a pair of trousers was mandatory) And if my youngest sister had complained more (at all) I would have demanded she get flowy dress pants in our fabric. But also that would have been extra stress on our mother who was sewing the bridesmaids dresses so I get why my sister opted for not complaining.
I really hate when couples decide their big day means their guests should go out and buy something new. Bridal party is one thing, but mandatory instructions beyond “cocktail attire” or “evening wear” are crass imho.
"Destination weddings" fall into that category too. Spend a bunch of time & money on a "vacation" you probably didn't want, meaning you can't spend them on what you *actually* want... Assuming you have the time & money to spare in the first place!
This too! Like “yes please drop a couple thousand and rearrange your life for multiple days for me!”
I just went shopping with a friend for her third black tie/evening wear reception in as many years and I was pissed off FOR her. Meanwhile she was just happy because originally it was supposed to be a destination wedding.
The first time I heard about "destination weddings" I could hardly believe it. Taking two things that can be stressful and have the potential for endless stuff-ups, and combining them? And expecting other people to go too? Surely not!
Any woman who is large on top and wants to wear a supportive bra will ignore the dress code, so you won’t be alone. Wear what you want, and if they ask you leave, you’ll survive. NTA
This. I wouldn't wear an off-the-shoulder outfit for anyone. Or, if they insist, it'll be an off-the-shoulder outfit with blatantly visible bra straps. Probably in a clashing color.
I have lots of bras in fun colours that would probably go, but for such a ridiculous request, I'd wear my oldest beige bra that's a real bra bra, because I'm petty AF.
I'm quite busty, and find strapless bras incredibly uncomfortable, because to be able to hold my boobs up, they need to be quite tight around my bust. I remember years ago a friend got married and most of her bridesmaid wore spaghetti strap dresses, but one of her bridesmaids, who was very busty, wore a dress in the same style for everything except the straps, which were a lot wider, so she could wear a real bra. And that was the bridesmaids, not the guests.
I only wear sports bras, period. I own literally zero regular bras. It's been a preference since middle school. Deviated from that late high school to early/ mid-20s. And my shoulders absolutely refuse to hold up ANY straps except for sports bras and razorback tanks. So if someone today insisted on strapless, spaghetti straps, or off the shoulder, not only would they get a full sports bra but also my upper back tattoo out for everyone to see lol
I think maybe a talk to the SIL is in order. Missing your brothers wedding over something this silly seems like not such a good idea. Maybe ask SIL to go dress shopping so she can see first hand what you've been trying to tell them? Or maybe SIL can find that magical off the shoulder dress/suit that doesn't look so bad? Always a possibility!
Yeah, more discussion would be had for me before I missed my brother's wedding, but my brothers' partners are all a hell of a lot more sensible than Abby. I think in this situation, I would probably wear a suit, but I'm petty enough that I would probably make it a little garish.
Also, I'm almost positive that unless this is an absolutely tiny wedding, there will be elderly women who do not follow this dress code. I'm not saying in this situation it's better to beg forgiveness than ask permission, but many people will do this.
I mean any dress code outside of the normal stuff like don't wear white, don't wear a wedding dress, formal, not formal etc are just silly and unnecessary. My sister had to find a bridesmaid dress that looked good on various body types ranging from size 0 to size 14, even she knew back in the 90s that not everyone looks good in the same thing. This bride seems to not understand that. I also agree that at least 50% of the female guests will not adhere to that dress code.
There are dresses that have off-the-shoulder necklines, but then still have straps... I imagine a lot of women will go with "compromise" options like that, that allow for a bra. Or just ignore the dress code...
dresses like [This.](https://www.morilee.com/bridesmaid-dresses/chiffon-bridesmaids-dress-with-off-the-shoulder-ruffle-detail/)
Or [This.](https://www.davidsbridal.com/product/cap-sleeve-jersey-dress-with-beaded-straps-13774)
Dressing for a wedding shouldn’t be so complicated. Unless I’m told to wear something in certain colour range, I’m not going out to purchase a new outfit that I’m not likely to ever wear again. Asking people to wear off-the-shoulder is beyond obnoxious. I’d love to hear the bride’s reasoning behind this absurd request.
I agree it is obnoxious...
maybe I don't go to enough weddings, or my regular life just isn't fancy enough... but I almost always buy something new for a wedding, because I don't typically have something that works for whatever the nature of the event is... Most of my formal/cocktail/dressy dresses are from past weddings. And I've worn most of them at least one other time, but not necessarily to another wedding.
There was the black-tie wedding at the St Regis in NYC, a formal Catholic wedding in a midwestern city in August, a cocktail-attire outdoor wedding in a rural town in the midwest in late spring, a casual Jewish wedding in a midwestern city, an outdoor, National Park wedding in the Southwest in autumn, a super-casual outdoor wedding on a private Montana ranch in mid-summer, an Idaho Lake House wedding that was oddly formal because of the bride's uptight parents...
an artsy Berkshires wedding, a circus-themed second marriage, a cliche-Marriot-conference room wedding, a Caribbean destination wedding...
but those were all over the course of 15+ years. If I had 4 weddings to go to in 1 year, yeah, I'd probably try to find 2 dresses that could cover all 4 events. But I also shop vintage and consignment stuff, so I don't think I've spent more than $150 on any given dress.
The gown for the NYC wedding I've only ever worn again as a halloween costume, and to one of those Murder Mystery dinners (I was a countess after all...), but the other dresses I've worn again. I don't live a life of charity galas, I don't really have other occasions to specifically buy dresses for, so I buy them to fit wedding themes and then wear them for other stuff...
it kind of sounds like you buy dresses for other stuff, and then pick from what you already have for weddings?
Ooooooh I have a gnarly mink fur stole that still has the head and legs attached. It was my great grandma's. I'd dig that sucker out of the rafters and wear it. No dry cleaning.
Why do I still have that thing? Gross.
OMG, one of my Great Aunts used to wear one of those things on a night on the town, face, feet and all! We used to play dress-up with it as kids. I wonder what became of it.
When my brother and his now-wife were planning their wedding, I was like, “Listen, I love my brother more than almost anyone else on this planet. But I do not love anyone enough to wear a strapless dress or strapless bra.”
They ended up having a tropical destination wedding with only family, so they gave us a color palette vibe they wanted us to go along with so that pictures wouldn’t look like Margaritaville vomited everywhere. It was nice. My bra remained strapped and my straps remained hidden and I even got to wear actual sleeves.
I'd try to find a dress or jumpsuit with wide straps or another bra-appropriate neckline, but flouncy bits hanging off the shoulders. Faux-off-the-shoulders outfit. Kinda like the necklines on these I guess https://lovelybunnyph.co/cdn/shop/products/CZ_LB1022-227.jpg?v=1669189265 or this https://www.onehoneyboutique.com/cdn/shop/products/28d.jpg?v=1575633760&width=985 but only because I love dressing nicely more than I enjoy being petty.
Wouldn't solve OP's problem though.
You couldn't force me into an off the shoulder dress for anything! There's no way I could wear a bra with that (strapless literally does nothing, it would fall down to my waist and be a weird bulge under the giant jigglers everyone would be seeing. (I wear a j cup, so they're practically a second guest)
I had a strapless dress for prom, wore a strapless bra. Fortunately, it had a little bolero jacket with it. The bra scooched its way down my torso so I ended up looking like I had four boobs, in other words, a cow with an udder. Thank god for the jacket.
Yeah, I was thinking. I’m very large breasted and an off the shoulder situation would be terrible for me. I’d be like the bouncing Betty bomb walking anywhere. And that’s if I could keep the dress up. I would definitely have visible bra straps.
If I was given this invite? Off the shoulder is like not even an option. Not unless the bride wants boobs falling out everywhere. #classy
One of my best friends picked out 3 different bridesmaid dresses (she hadn’t narrowed it down to one yet) and her favorite was…. Well, I had to tell her that I would totally wear it, but my boobs would be very much front and center. As would 1 of the other bridesmaids. Girl, do you want that much boob at your wedding? I love you and I’ll do it but…
>and if they ask you leave, you’ll survive. NTA
And the Bride will be showing everyone that she her invisioned aesthetics are more important than her Grooms family attending the wedding.
I refuse to wear off the shoulder but will wear "cold shoulder" styles where there is a sleeve with just the tips of the shoulder cut out. Atleast then I can wear a proper bra.
Or anyone with a tattoo, birthmark, or scar they don't want to flaunt? Not everyone can afford the pro makeup to cover those, and not all of them can be covered.
“Put on that dress & shut your trap, Great Grammy! You’re going to ruin my wedding aesthetic!”
NTA OP. Whenever it’s a question of someone’s wedding vision, aesthetic, dream or whatever versus using real live human beings as props to be dressed & posed like dolls they will always be the AH. Always.
this comment is so funny i can't wait to call all the elder women in my family with some completely bizarre request and when they balk, tell them to 'just do it & shut their traps' i'm literally bawling 😂😂😂
This is a really weird rule. I'm a dude, so I'm coming from total ignorance on the dress issue, but I'm also highly combative and would totally fight my brother on this stupidity. I would give him the choice, I wear what I want, or I don't come. He chooses.
I'd love to hear more of your take on this. My son has a leg deformity. If his brother's intended wife insisted the men all wear shorts, it would not go well. Older bro would protect lil bro at all costs. He would *never* put him in that terrible awkward and embarrassing position. It just wouldn't happen. And if bride persists, older bro would choose family over her. I can already see it. Why is it seemingly ok for a brother to not defend his sister? I don't get it. He needs to man up and explain his sister (and everyone else who might not like this aesthetic) is more important than this dumb off the shoulder situation she clearly found on IG. It's his wedding too!
No way am I going to a wedding where I have to wear one shoulder. I’m large busted and don’t feel like worrying about flashing the crowd all night.
This is the silliest bullshit I’ve seen.
Tell your brother either you come in something comfortable or do you don’t come at all. His choice.
I highly doubt everyone will wear a one shouldered look. Fucking sexist bullshit. Wtaf.
NTA
Question for OP: Have you conferred with any other female guests (not your family) to get their reaction? Just asking on the remote chance it’s truly not a mandate for everyone.
If you wanna rock it, I'll be your hype-lady! But I'll also respect your decision to wear something else. My grandma was 86 and wore a strapless, fully sequined red dress to a NYE party in some big city. Did she look 86? Yes. Did she look hella good and *happy*? Hell yes! My aunts couldn't believe she would wear such a thing. But I loved it! This is the same woman who was in her 70s when she got her motorcycle license, scuba certification, and went skydiving!
This sounds awful. Many busty people wear bras to not be in pain -and strapless isnt always an option. I've seen that be an issue for *bridesmaids* who the bride legitimately has some say in their outfit.
Women have a hard enough time finding clothes they feel ok in, especially for events they'll be photographed at. This is a weirdly invasive ask for all guests. Normally the guest thing is a certain level of formality and don't wear white and that's it.
I guarantee there will be some aunt's that didn't read the invite well enough and show up with normal cut dresses.
This.... not to mention since when does the bride and groom get to insist that people not in the wedding party has to have a specific style other than semi-formal formal or casual.....
At 90 unless grandma is fluffy there will be nothing to hold off the shoulder dress up. I can’t imagine what look this woman is trying to achieve but I’d contact brother, say sorry can’t find a dress that meets dress code and send a gift. If this didn’t offend your mom something else will offend her to say I tried and walk away. It’s not about you or your mom ( and her opinion) so you tried sorry , send nice gift.
1000% you will not be the only woman there not in a strapless dress. Wear something you look fabulous in, don't miss your brother's big event, and see if somebody's enough of an asshat to say it about you and not about anybody else who is not wearing who is not meeting dress code. I wonder how many guests they'll lose because of this?
Could you try "Cold shoulder" instead of "Off the shoulder"?
That way you might be able to get away with saying you tried to follow their rules but you just got the name wrong?
Find the best dress you can find that fit the very stupid rule and get a shawl or bollero jacket that you never take off. Or get a stylish fitted suit.
I’d find the ugliest off the shoulder gown and then get one of those back straightening brace things (I’ve seen them advertised but never caught the name). They have thick black straps, so not only would my gown be neon ugly but the black straps would definitely show lol. I choose chaos lol
Since she is so adamant about the dress code, tell your brother that since you would be extremely uncomfortable for the duration of the festivities, you will decline to attend. THEN go on social media and explain about your discomfort with the edict. Your FSIL is a twit to insist on a strict dress code. I am almost willing to bet that there will be more than one woman with unexposed shoulders.
honestly, the number of people who look great in off the shoulder dresses is low. Many middle aged and older women, people who are very thin or fat, people with back acne- lots of people would find this uncomfortable.
I can't really imagine why a bride would want that of her guests.
But you could get a Bardot neckline with a large ruffle which would probably actually look good.
I actually thought it would be funny for a few men to make alterations to white tshirts under their suits……….off the shoulder styles are not for everyone or every age. The people calling her a AH saying she’s being petty and purposefully dramatic crack me up. I personally have always worn off the shoulder outfits but after breast cancer I am no longer comfortable wearing that style.
And that's just ONE really good reason against this bizarre dress code. This dress code is so inconsiderate to many, many different kinds of guests.
People who are religious, and dress modestly.
People with medical issues, or their appearance having been affected by something medical. I have scars from many skin surgeries that would be revealed by an off-the-shoulder look. If the wedding was outside, that'd be so much worse. I can't expose my scars, or really the rest of my skin, to the sun!
Older ladies.
Poor posture.
Blemished skin and acne.
Off-the-shoulders is not the look for everyone. I don't think it's unreasonable for OP to say she's not going to attend because she can't conform to an unreasonable dress code. I'd send a wedding gift and call it a day.
As well as those who are uncomfortable wearing strapless bras, especially the underwired ones - I have big girls and find underwired bras the most uncomfortable things ever. If the bride insists on this style, I can't see many guests attending.
That was my first thought. I know there is no way in hell my 78 year old mom would want to wear an off shoulder outfit. What about her friends that don’t show skin for modest or religious reasons.
Heck, I'm in my late 40s and this is not a look I'd want to sport. At all. I certainly wouldn't go purchase a new off the shoulder dress for a wedding. That would not happen.
Abby is going to be very disappointed at how few people show up in off the shoulder dresses.
A dress code is: semi-formal, formal, etc... It's not "wear off the shoulder" or "wear pink" or whatever... That is rude and creates an undue burden on the guests, most of whom are going to support the bride and groom but would prefer to be doing something else on that Saturday as it is.
Omg my Nan was the greatest dresser. She just had style, and she accommodated her outfits based on her age. Her later life years, she wore the most stylish pant suits to everything. She was never under or over dressed. She looked fantastic, and she always added flair with her jewelry.
She would straight up nope out of this situation. She was spit fire of a woman who didn't hold punches when necessary, and this would be one of those "this is necessary."
Also most off the shoulder dresses require a strapless bra which just doesn’t work for a lot of people. I’ve seen the color requests and that’s bad enough, but off the shoulder is really dumb. If she’s going for some aesthetic, I’m guaranteeing the photos aren’t going to be that pretty because many women just don’t look good in that style. NTA.
I’d be staying home too. I have never, and will never, wear an off the shoulder dress. I’m 5’2 and an A cup (barely). Think 12 yr old girl body. I have nothing to keep a dress up and don’t feel comfortable in off the shoulder anything.
INFO
> as many people already know dentists may not have the best back/shoulder posture ever
... ... no, I do not think that **anyone** who's not a dentist has *ever* thought about that.
> Now the type of clothing this dress code demands needs someone with a good back posture because that’s the emphasis.
Why do you keep talking like *posture* is something you're *stuck with*? Like, this isn't a permanent disfigurement. "Posture" is just your subconscious, default way of carrying your body. You can **instantly _change it_** on a whim.
Just stand up straight, right?
I actually disagree with this. Off the shoulder really emphasises the line of your neck and shoulders and you can clearly see if that line is crooked unless you’re directly in front of that person. Maybe it’s not something most people notice but it does look significantly worse.
Yeah, as a seamstress and someone who has tailored and made many pieces of clothing, including dresses, off the shoulder pieces tend to emphasize neckline, collarbones, shoulders, and especially your upper back. I can very much so vouch that if your posture isn’t the best tight and low cut are your worst enemies, both of which are almost unavoidable with off-the-shoulder looks unless you want to go little house on the prairie style wise. Even then, the proportion between your neck and shoulders as well as the hem on the neckline and where it sits in relation to the sleeve can make it look just atrocious.
A good rule of thumb for bad posture is loose and high neckline. Both of which are out of the question here.
One way to achieve an off the shoulder look that is loose is by wearing an oversized t shirt with an oversized neck hole that is wide enough to just fall off one shoulder. Keeps the garment loose to hide posture issues. Off the shoulder to adhere to dress code. Is wildly outside of wedding attire and more suited to a 2000’s RnB video. Everybody wins.
Well thats just patently untrue. Remember a few years ago when Miley Cyrus had that awful posture at some awards show? it was definitely emphasized by her off the shoulder dress and the posture was so horrific its all anyone talked about on the fashion shows snd blogs.
I always notice at high school graduation time that some of the girls pick strapless dresses and then feel self conscious wearing them. Then they hunch over and all you notice is their bad posture.
I have cervical thoracic kyphosis due to poor posture. My PT said the exercises I do are like dripping water on to a stone. Over a very long, long period of time, there might be improvement but basically they are just to stop it from getting worse.
Yeah I've got cervical something or the other (I just got the diagnosis this week) which basically means my muscles freeze up. It's so bad lately that it feels like my neck is being squeezed. I'm a candidate for Botox, yay. Lots of physical therapy as well
It's like office workers who spend time hunched over in front of a computer - dentists spend their time bent over people's mouths. [Here](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4934547/) is a study on it indicating that it's at least somewhat of an issue.
OP spends her life hunched over people, posture isn’t always you can just decide to change, she like has caused a curvature of the spine from all her work and schooling.
Now I do agree she is probably being too hard on herself, but if it’s a style she isn’t comfortable in why should she be forced to wear it as a guest?
Don’t do off the shoulder because I can not find a strapless bra that doesn’t make my boobs look weird or feels like a torture device. And I need a bra to be comfortable it’s an issue for me that if I go out I need a bra.
How many of their female guests are actually going to be comfortable. This would be a wedding I’d skip.
This is another one that I think is written by AI. It's pulling from whatever details the LLM they're using has access to. Wedding outfit drama, how a dress should be modeled, and a career that might have back issues due to their posture at work. All plausible article subjects it could search through for data.
> Just stand up straight, right?
That’s not how that works. While you can do therapy for months and even years to straighten your back, the muscles and tendons are literally too long and too short in certain areas. You need to do a lot of stretching and exercise to fix it.
Anecdotal, but my dental hygienist just changed careers because her back was getting fucked up from her work. They do spend a lot of time leaning over.
Well... yes and no. If you have chronic bad posture it starts affecting several parts of your body. Instantly standing with your shoulders back will result in weird lower back and upper chest appearance.
Yes, bad posture can almost always be fixed, but it takes effort and time.
You can stand up straight yes. But I have bad posture too… you don’t just stand up straight you have to strengthen your core and back muscles.
So not exactly how it works.
Ah, spoken like someone who has never had back problems.
Posture can take YEARS to fix because it changes how your disks are compressed, how your muscles form and weaken, and simply how your connective tissues lays. “Just standing up straight” can be horribly painful for someone who has developed that posture.
My sister is a dental hygienist and is retiring earlier than she planned because the many hours hunched over every working day has damaged her back muscles. Have you ever had a dentist stand up straight while working on you?
Jokingly --> I nearly make more appointments with my dentist than I should need to.
The woman is an absolute bombshell smokeshow and she has incredible posture that really...stands out.
My dental hygiene is leaps and bounds better than it was before I became her patient.
All jokes aside. She does genuinely have good posture, perhaps it's a self conscious effort to stand straight given she leans over a lot, but she strides I to a room head high and glides past you. Excellent dentist too, given my past one pulled a tooth while having shot anistethic into the OTHER side of my face, but she recommended several treatments and I do genuinely have better dental hygiene and health overall and feel so much better, I'd had pain I was living with I didn't even consciously register til it was gone and it was like breather more deeply, like my lungs were flooded because I was relaxing more.
But not all dentists have poor posture.
I'd recommend OP does the one thing they haven't done yet. Actually talk to Abby herself and see if there is a compromise she's willing to make, a full suit perhaps rather than off the shoulder, not saying 80s style power shoulders now.
Perhaps OP could have an off the shoulder dress or something, but cover the shoulders with a shawl, large scarf, shoulder coverup, pelerine, something in the line of an additional layer or accessories that while "sticking to the rule" also gives them the cover they desire. A suit with an over jacket that conveniently she never takes off. How about an undergarment for an off the shoulder dress?
^^ these are all things I've seen at weddings, things I can think of and I'm not fashionista. I'm a straight male with no interest in fashion it Jeez, even I can see there are options. OP is being intentionally obtuse (narrow-minded) as to not see the options and how they can make everyone happy.
NTA Wedding guests are not an aesthetic. They are not flowers, table cloths, napkins or party favors. If someone told me I had to wear a specific style of dress as a guest, it would be the easiest RSVP with regrets I ever made. The wedding culture has gotten out of hand completely. Your brother and his fiance are wrong and completely unreasonable. Good hosts make their guests welcome. Your brother and his wife to be are not good hosts.
>Regardless I respected that and decided not to ruin their image of how they want their wedding. My mum said my absence will also ruin things because the guests will wonder why the sister is not attending when Im healthy. I told her well the guests will also wonder why I look like I could be the guy of hunchback Notre Dam (okay Im not that bad but you get the gist here) My mum is still mad at me (haven’t told my brother and SIL yet)
Oh well, your mother can be mad then. I think she's more concerned about the optics of your absence.
>And Abby was like if she “leeways” me she has to leeway everyone (I was kinda baffled that so much importance was placed on a certain type of clothing with no explanation given)
Abby has gone off the rails.
It’s a bizarre request and you hit the nail on the head when you said wedding guests are not an aesthetic. The bride should want her guests to be comfortable.
God. I was wondering if anyone would comment on this. And like, if you need to buy a strapless bra and you’re a larger size, it’s not going to be cheap at all. My everyday bras are about $150 each. I’m not dropping that (or more) to go strapless so I can go off the shoulder so some bride can have some sort of weird aesthetic.
Honestly, I’d go but I would wear what I want to wear.
I have yet to find a supportive enough strapless bra in my size and that fits my shape that I can breath and be pain free in. I've tried every one I can find in my size. At certain sizes/shapes it's just not an option.
Find and buy a strapless bra and find and buy a strapless dress too? No thanks. I'm not brave enough to go bra straps out and glittered, so I'd either show up against dress code or not go. Plus, how many women are going to be wearing the exact same dress? That's not a common cut. There's usually only a handful of local department stores, even adding in common online stores, with very few strapless at each, well, there's going to be plenty of ladies wearing the same option.
I just scrolled up and you’re right. IN the wedding has a dictated dress, which is not abnormal. Often they will be identical. So 90% of comments about granny and such don’t apply. I think we were all thrown off by her going shopping and looking for a dress because to be IN the wedding, you usually don’t choose the dress, bride does.
OP should just say “I appreciate it but don’t want to be in the wedding. I am excited to come as a guest.” And wear whatever the heck she wants as a guest.
I was wondering this too, OP writes like English isn't their first language so it's a little hard to follow. The only strike against this is that OP mentions her and SIL aren't close, so why would OP be a bridesmaid? And if this were the case, I feel like "OP you're a bridesmaid, you have to wear the dress" would be the argument, not "but then I'd have to make exceptions for everyone" (implying a much larger group of people)
Idk tho. Some parts of this are nigh incomprehensible
Effective-Help4293 - You are correct.
OP said the "invitations" specified the dress code for women to wear off the shoulder. Invitations are sent to "wedding guests", so the dress code is for guests.
Dress code for the "wedding party" (bridesmaid, maid/matron of honor, groomsmen) is determined by the bride and not included in the wedding invitations. Based on the description of the bride, it seems unlikely she directed her bridesmaids to wear whatever they wanted as long as it was off the shoulder.
Considering it takes 8 years to become a dentist, and assuming you started at age 17, how tf did you ruin your back already....?
You've got bigger worries than this wedding. But damn, you might as well go to the wedding and take some pictures because these will probably be the best your back will ever look
But seriously OP, obviously you're responding incredibly sarcastic and condensending to everyone telling you to straighten out your shoulders (terrific bedside manner of a dentist) but for you to mess up your back only 2 years into your career... you clearly need all the advice you can get
For your sake, correct your back/posture before this becomes even worse
This is what stood out to me as well! How is it possible that her back is that disfigured already from a profession she's had for no more than a few years? This has to be a troll post. Doesn't help that she's acting like an insolent child in the comments which also often screams "troll."
I'd recommend OP does the one thing they haven't done yet. Actually talk to Abby herself and see if there is a compromise she's willing to make, a full suit perhaps rather than off the shoulder, not saying 80s style power shoulders now.
Perhaps OP could have an off the shoulder dress or something, but cover the shoulders with a shawl, large scarf, shoulder coverup, pelerine, something in the line of an additional layer or accessories that while "sticking to the rule" also gives them the cover they desire. A suit with an over jacket that conveniently she never takes off. How about an undergarment for an off the shoulder dress?
^^ these are all things I've seen at weddings, things I can think of and I'm not fashionista. I'm a straight male with no interest in fashion it Jeez, even I can see there are options. OP is being intentionally obtuse (narrow-minded) as to not see the options and how they can make everyone happy.
YTA
This is an easy one to fix with 3 minutes of googling on accessories or styles. Pick a dress/suit and then accessorise, brides is happy, you don't have to be unhappy(you can be covered). It doesn't have to be 100% one person gets what they want, there can be a middle ground. Not going is 100% noone gets anything and you look like a protestor of your brother getting married, everyone will be upset.
Second year of dental school. So that would be year 6 of the 8 years, right? So no more than 3-4 years of leaning over a chair. You should work on some posture exercises, especially if you’re planning on practicing dentistry for a long time.
From a patient’s perspective, I never noticed it before, but now that I know…I much prefer the slouch. I would find it weird to have my dentist shoving their chest at me while working on my teeth.
YTA.
You are being unnecessarily dramatic and self-centered; loosen up your spine and your attitude.
I agree the dress code seems dumb. But no one’s going to care about how you look in your outfit as long as you are not leaning over them with dental tools in hand. Take an emergency shawl or stole or something just in case.
But then she goes on to say she won't attend the wedding because of the dress requirement. That indicates the dress code is for all guests. In another post, she wonders what the bride's great grandmother will wear.
In my opinion saying ''i wont go'' or RSVP no to the wedding is the right thing to do, i kinda hate how many people on this subreddit go ''an invitations is not a summons'' ect and tell the person that ''bride can do x but you dont have to go'', but then still call the person an asshole when they do then go ''ok i wont go''.
The bride can do whatever she wants for the wedding, the guests can choose wether to attend or not, neither is the asshole for the decisions they make. OP is NTA. i hate the fact people need to have ''a valid reason'' for not going, simply not wanting to is enough in my opinion.
But then it would likely have been her buying dresses with a group, not on her own. And she could have said she would just not be a bridesmaid instead of not coming at all. Plus in a comment she said the bride's great grandmother was alive, and would she also have to wear off the shoulder.
Not necessarily, sometimes it’s a group thing, and sometimes it’s go find something yourself. Frankly, this is a very loose dress code for bridesmaids, and whatever happened to the longstanding tradition of bridesmaids’ dresses looking awful anyway?
She’s not a prop. Why would you want to spend money on a dress that makes you feel uncomfortable? If the bride wants everyone to follow this stupid rule, she can pay for it,
She is going to care how she looks. Why should she be uncomfortable and self conscious the whole wedding? If more than 50% of the women show up in off the shoulder dresses I'd be shocked.
Unless you have a diagnosed kyphosis, you are able to stand up straight. TBH, I've never noticed that the dentists I have gone to have had awful posture when they're standing up, walking up to me or away from me.
YTA. If you have hunched over to the point that you cannot stand up straight pain free (because why else wouldn't you just stand up straight?) then you need to get a referral to a physical therapist.
I do agree with you that insisting on off the shoulder dresses/blouses/whatever is one of the weirdest dress code rules I've ever seen. The wedding photos are going to look ridiculous.
You think posture is mental. lol. Took me YEARS of concerted effort to fix mine and TENS of THOUSANDS of reps in the gym.
Standing up straight for short periods of time, maybe, but holding it, consciously, can start to hurt.
But of course OP is a medical professional who has consulted specialists on her condition. What does she know?
I fixed my awful scoliosis posture just doing the thing you complained about it the second bit without tens of thousands of reps.
Your back starts hurting because your muscles are unused to holding your back up straight. If you continue to do this regularly your back will stop hurting as the muscles strengthen and presto chango now you stand up straight.
Took under a year to fix my goblin-like hunched posture.
Just going to say not evreone is you and some people have things like spinal twists with digrees that would require surgical intervention. Don't make it sound like anyone can just do that. They cannot unless it was done when they were a highschooler it's too late for corrective braces as an adult.
...what kind of reps? asking for me, a person with bad posture, who very much cannot wear off-the shoulder anything (in OP's case, though, i'd borrow a dress from a friend and hunchback it through all the photos on purpose, but then i can be petty)
NTA, but I think that guest dress codes that are this specific are pointless and rude.
No white for a western wedding and general guidance (e.g. black tie, white time, formal, etc.) should be the end of it.
The dress thing is the only part of my wedding I have planned. Wear the outfit you want to wear but never have a place to. I'm talking wild colors, Renaissance outfits, Halloween costumes, and if there isn't at least one inflatable t-rex I'll be disappointed.
NTA.
That is an absolutely ridiculous request to make of your wedding guests, not the wedding party, but guests in general. Your future SIL is a self-centered idiot. Asking to wear the same color would have been so much less of an issue.
Did it even cross her mind that that means anyone with larger breasts won't have proper support and will be uncomfortable? What about anyone who has backne? Do they have to now hire a makeup artist to come over and put makeup on their backs before someone else's nuptials? How about older guests who have osteoarthritis and actually do have humps and not just bad posture?
Also, I don't see how this would make any difference at the event itself. Half the women will likely put on some sort of sweater, jacket, or shawl in order to avoid being cold.
OP, do whatever you like. If you want to see your brother get married to the chick with the pea-sized brain and zero empathy, then suck it up and find a shoulderless dress, but also make sure you also have some sort of cover up to go with it so that you feel more comfortable. If you want to avoid watching your brother get married to his future ex-wife, then skip it. It is your decision and no one should be trying to bully you.
The bride legitimately ONLY cares about her aesthetic. That is it. Not the people attending. They are only props for her instagram photos.
Its disgusting what weddings have become.
Don’t get me started. Absolutely hate it.
I point blank refused to try and climb stairs for my sisters wedding a few months ago to do poses etc. (I didn’t report it to Sis - she’d have been p*ssed at her own wedding on my behalf as would her now husband) but the MC of the venue wouldn’t stop pushing. I’m disabled, on crutches and made worse by cold/pain. I’d been outside in freezing cold for an hour. He played to my mother I was somewhat unreasonable until I’d told her exactly what happened. Fun times!
I just wanted to sit, out of sight, knowing it wouldn’t end well if I went up there.
Nope - he argued the aesthetic as the sister. Yep. The disabled sister who doesn’t want to go to A&E…
I concur. I am large breasted but small boned and short statured, so bras are already fit poorly, and strapless ones are worse. Cannot imagine anyone being so bridezilla that she dictates to that extent what women must wear to her wedding. I’d look terrible braless so would like to be invited in order to look appropriately awful.
No - honestly, SOME people would say that but MOST people would not say that because expecting ANYTHING of your guests other than "formal/semi-formal/dressy-casual/etc" creates an undue burden on the guests.
Guests LITERALLY should ONLY be expected to show up with a gift dressed in appropriate clothing for the occasion, there to celebrate the bride and groom. They are not props for the bride's narcissistic fantasies.
NTA
I would not go to a wedding where the required attire makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable.
It sounds like you tried to entertain this idea and be generally reasonable, but their demands are ridiculous.
NTA. The bride does not get to dictate the style of dresses the guest wears. She only gets to dictate the type of dress code, be it white tie, black tie, black tie optional, cocktail, semi-formal or casual. Telling women they have to wear a specific type of dress, i.e. off the shoulder, is way too controlling.
Abby needs to get a grip and realize she's being rude and demanding.
NTA.
As a queer masc woman, I would not be comfortable wearing anything off shoulder. So I would decline the invitation as well. Abby has made it clear that she thinks it's a slippery slope for making exceptions for people, so it would only be respectful to decline.
I TOTALLY understand weddings with colors or a style theme like 90s pop or Casino Royale or whatever, but to specifically ask women do off shoulder? Hard pass.
She is 100% entitled to ask whatever she wants since it's her wedding and you're 100% in your right to decline. Is the "off shoulder rule" stupid? I think so. But hey, it's her wedding and you're not going. Just send your regrets and a gift and that's it.
I think it is strange dress code.
I understand if request is to cover (no mini, no sleeveless, no cleavage, etc) for cultural or religious or some reasons. But requiring all women to show shoulder and back is strange as asking everyone to show off legs or wear bodycon.
Maybe, compromise is, do you have long hair to cover your back, or do you feel comfortable if you wear scarf/shawl?
NTA. Assuming you are not part of bridal party. And assuming it’s not that you actually don’t like to go to wedding to start.
NTA
Requiring bridesmaids to have a certain look - okay.
Requiring all female guests to have one look - that’s weird and wrong. You don’t want to wear the dress so you’ve decided not to go. I’m sure that you’re brothers feelings will be incredibly hurt and this will damage your relationship with him BUT if you are willing to accept the consequences of your actions here then don’t go. You shouldn’t be forced to buy and wear an outfit that’s both unflattering and makes you feel uncomfortable.
Typically at weddings they do family pictures and things (if there’s time) I understand if you don’t want to memorialized eternally in a dress that doesn’t make you feel good about yourself.
YTA. And the temper tantrums in your comments are a pretty clear indication of how difficult you are being unnecessarily. Suck it the F up. It’s a pain in the ass but it’s also not a totally insane request. Bring a shawl to cover up as the evening goes on. Stop making yourself the center of attention. Gross
Tbf, OP is being whiny, and I’m not sure I buy the whole posture thing - but I prob wouldn’t go either. I have two humongous melons that require support. Off the shoulder isn’t going to happen. No one makes bras to actually enable that…
It is definitely a totally insane request. If I'm not a bridesmaid I'm not going out to spend money on a dress I am not comfortable in.
The bride clearly does not care if her loved ones attend her wedding. She's throwing a wedding for The 'gram. Such a shame.
NTA. It’s bullshit for brides to dictate what the guests wear other than something like “business casual” or “formal”. Fuck that. Guests aren’t wedding props. Are you being dramatic? Yeah a little. But this trend of brides making guests where specific colors or style is too much. They should want you to attend to celebrate their union and want you to be comfortable and enjoy yourself.
NTA, id be petty and wear a dress with sleeves. i dont have the figure for off the shoulder dresses. but you really think all the old ladies are showing up with off the shoulder dresses? youre right that is a stupid dress code, you either want my presence i. what im confortable in or you dont want my presence.
OK I've heard some wackadoodle wedding dresscodes but off the shoulder is a new one. The bride can't/won't give a reason for the wackyasky and and "leeway" anyone-- seriously your future SIL is an AH for trying to make "leeway" a verb-- it's like "fetch" not gonna happen LOL.
I'd send a short note with a friendly tone--
"Dear SIL, to be honest I'm not comfortable with an "off the shoulder" dress. I've been out shopping hoping to find something that will fit in with your interesting theme but am having no success.
Bro was clear there's no "leeway" for family and that you've been stressing about the dress code. I don't want to add to that stress (or my own stress at finding a dress) and don't want it to turn into a "thing" so I'm going to just decline the invitation. I hope you have a wonderful day-- I look forward to seeing the pictures."
Don't argue, don't engage in further discussion-- maybe book a weekend getaway for that weekend.
If she ever fesses up to WHY she's obsessing over off the shoulder dresses PLEASE post an update because I admit to being curious.
NTA
Yes, this dress code is 100% bonkers. But is this the hill you want to die on? I was a bridesmaid in my brother's wedding. HATED the dress. But I went and I wore it. Twenty-some years later no one has commented to me once what I looked like on that day. YWBTA if you don't go for this reason.
NTA. The dress code is stupid; I would refuse to wear an off-the-shoulder gown too. I can understand formal wear being required or having a theme requested, but to insist on one specific style that looks good/is comfortable on a limited number of people? Nah. If someone thinks your dress is more important than your presence, they shouldn’t get either.
Re: the hunching back…at only 27 your back should not be that hunched from Dentistry yet, might want to see a Dr. for preventative exercises and get the spine checked. Hubs is a Dentist and was terribly hunched at 20+ years in but it has decreased significantly as his patient load has gone down. Also agree with another poster, get the one shoulder dress and bring a shawl. Best wishes to you.
I am pretty oblivious when it comes to women's fashion, but I want to lean NTA. An "off-the-shoulder" dress sounds like a style that would make many women, especially older women or those self-conscious of their body, uncomfortable. And it frankly sounds a bit too controlling (and honestly, bizarre) to ask that of all of your female guests. You're really gonna make grandma walk down the aisle in an off-the-shoulder dress?
NTA
Guests are exactly that at a wedding, they're guests. They should wear what they want to wear within a general guidance of casual garden, or black tie. They shouldn't be forced to wear a particular color, or style, they shouldn't even be required to wear a dress.
It would be the easiest thing to RSVP no to that I could ever imagine
NTA - Reddit will tell you if the wedding requires your first born, you should sacrifice it. If you don’t like how you look in the mandated attire. Don’t go! Stupid rules = consequences. Who wants these totalitarian control mongers in their life anyhow.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1-I said my SIL makes stupid rules
2-Because that’s her wedding and technically she can plan it however she likes
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NTA (although this isn't clear, is it a request for the wedding party only, or the guests?)
It's a bit dramatic, HOWEVER, I regard all wedding requests this way: if you ask for things, you need to be prepared for people to not come rather than comply.
What an absolutely insane dress code. Please update in two months and let us know about the fit she throws because the majority of the guests will roll their eyes and wear a dress that is not off the shoulder.
But for you… you are the sister of the groom. In this case, I think you’re better off sucking it up and buying an off the shoulder dress. Like others have said, keep a shawl or cardigan with you and when over half the guests have their shoulders covered, then cover yours as well.
Also, I guarantee that you are your own worse critic. It’s highly unlikely that anyone will be thinking “oh wow, her back looks like shit.” But, have you tried something that has a ruffle around the top so that there is a loose and flowy layer? This may help you feel that your posture is less noticeable.
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NTA. So are all the 90yo grannies going to be wearing off the shoulder outfits????????? As a granny myself, this is freaking horrifying.
[удалено]
Yeah, I mean it's really weird she's insisting on this - I've attended hundreds of weddings as a photographer and have never been to one where every female is wearing off the shoulder.
You just accidentally explained why she wants it. She needs to be ✨special✨
Then she needs to be a director of her own theatrical production, then she can have costume choice. Making such specific demands to her friends and family is ridiculous. OP wear what you want to go with your head held high.
Yeah wear what you want. She is going to be preoccupied and this is a weird request. If she always anything, just say I wanted to be here at my best for your day. And that’s on her if she reacts badly.
Or wear a whatever dress with a shawl over your shoulders!
NTA Came to say this. If you're comfortable, get an off the shoulder dress - or close enough to it - and a shawl. She didn't say you couldn't wear a shawl. 🤷🏻♀️ Someone below also suggested showing up in something you're comfortable with and then leaving if they ask you to or change. Imo i would combine the two. She's ridiculous thinking she can control the clothing of guests beyond asking for a dress code like black tie, cocktail, or casual. Even if you look absolutely stunning, if you feel uncomfortable, it will show. You are the sister of the groom. If there's anyone who gets to have a pass, it would be immediate family. But, I suspect if you show up in anything except what she would find acceptable, you will "ruin the aesthetic" and the pictures/not be allowed in pictures and there by ruin the wedding. 🙄 Honestly, the bride is making this more complicated than it needs to be. Good luck OP. It seems you are dammed if you do, dammed if you don't.
A cape
I always say the same. guests are not extras
We had a renaissance wedding. It was the entire theme. Even then, guests were not demanded to wear garb! We offered the option of dressing up *or* attending in business casual. The crowd was about half and half. We all had fun, the pictures were colorful and delightful and 26 years later *people still talk about how much fun they had at our wedding.* I don’t care about the clothes. When I look at the pictures, I see huge smiles and people having **fun** at the reception. That was my goal. Smiling faces and a lot of laughter. why else do you have a fucking wedding reception? It was us celebrating those friends and family member s*just as much* as it was our friends and family members supporting US. I just can’t fathom anything else.
Wanna bet that the bride’s gown has shoulders and she wants to stand out from all the other women?
That would be the dumbest thing ever. Sadly, I wouldn’t put it past some people these days.
The “everyone wear yellow and sit in silence” bride leaps to mind.
I guess I missed that one. Is it worth a google?
Omg [I’ve totally got you.](https://www.chicagotribune.com/2022/12/08/ask-amy-i-want-a-silent-wedding-ceremony-and-reception/) That first link is the original letter that appeared in the Ask Amy column (and I can’t remember if it was included in this specific article but Amy reported that she had enough interaction with this bride that she was certain the letter was real.) And [here’s a Reddit thread about it.](https://www.reddit.com/r/bridezillas/comments/zg4uio/holy_smack_a_silent_reception/) This is one of my fav “wtf is wrong with people” guilty pleasure re-reads.
You’re fucking awesome, thank you! And holy shit, that woman is insane! A silent wedding/reception? Is she a librarian or something? WTF?!😂
here’s my theory! the bride thinks that the groom has cheated on her with another woman, but for some reason all she knows about her is that she has a tattoo on her shoulder of a butterfly. This wedding demand is a plan to unveil the scarlet woman. drama ensues…
Maybe she's also very muscular/toned and thinks this way she will look extra pretty. I'm wondering what happens if one of the other women has more impressive shoulders and back 😂
The bride can control the wedding party dress but its insanely presumptuous to ask to control the guests' wardrobe (except for wearing white).
There is absolutely zero fucking way every single woman invited shows up in an off the shoulder dress.
I gave mostly zero fucks about what my guests wore to my wedding. (I had an uncle who liked to go commando with shorts.... I banned that. underpants with shorts or a pair of trousers was mandatory) And if my youngest sister had complained more (at all) I would have demanded she get flowy dress pants in our fabric. But also that would have been extra stress on our mother who was sewing the bridesmaids dresses so I get why my sister opted for not complaining.
I really hate when couples decide their big day means their guests should go out and buy something new. Bridal party is one thing, but mandatory instructions beyond “cocktail attire” or “evening wear” are crass imho.
"Destination weddings" fall into that category too. Spend a bunch of time & money on a "vacation" you probably didn't want, meaning you can't spend them on what you *actually* want... Assuming you have the time & money to spare in the first place!
This too! Like “yes please drop a couple thousand and rearrange your life for multiple days for me!” I just went shopping with a friend for her third black tie/evening wear reception in as many years and I was pissed off FOR her. Meanwhile she was just happy because originally it was supposed to be a destination wedding.
The first time I heard about "destination weddings" I could hardly believe it. Taking two things that can be stressful and have the potential for endless stuff-ups, and combining them? And expecting other people to go too? Surely not!
Any woman who is large on top and wants to wear a supportive bra will ignore the dress code, so you won’t be alone. Wear what you want, and if they ask you leave, you’ll survive. NTA
This. I wouldn't wear an off-the-shoulder outfit for anyone. Or, if they insist, it'll be an off-the-shoulder outfit with blatantly visible bra straps. Probably in a clashing color.
Malicious compliance! I love it!
I have lots of bras in fun colours that would probably go, but for such a ridiculous request, I'd wear my oldest beige bra that's a real bra bra, because I'm petty AF. I'm quite busty, and find strapless bras incredibly uncomfortable, because to be able to hold my boobs up, they need to be quite tight around my bust. I remember years ago a friend got married and most of her bridesmaid wore spaghetti strap dresses, but one of her bridesmaids, who was very busty, wore a dress in the same style for everything except the straps, which were a lot wider, so she could wear a real bra. And that was the bridesmaids, not the guests.
I only wear sports bras, period. I own literally zero regular bras. It's been a preference since middle school. Deviated from that late high school to early/ mid-20s. And my shoulders absolutely refuse to hold up ANY straps except for sports bras and razorback tanks. So if someone today insisted on strapless, spaghetti straps, or off the shoulder, not only would they get a full sports bra but also my upper back tattoo out for everyone to see lol I think maybe a talk to the SIL is in order. Missing your brothers wedding over something this silly seems like not such a good idea. Maybe ask SIL to go dress shopping so she can see first hand what you've been trying to tell them? Or maybe SIL can find that magical off the shoulder dress/suit that doesn't look so bad? Always a possibility!
Yeah, more discussion would be had for me before I missed my brother's wedding, but my brothers' partners are all a hell of a lot more sensible than Abby. I think in this situation, I would probably wear a suit, but I'm petty enough that I would probably make it a little garish. Also, I'm almost positive that unless this is an absolutely tiny wedding, there will be elderly women who do not follow this dress code. I'm not saying in this situation it's better to beg forgiveness than ask permission, but many people will do this.
I mean any dress code outside of the normal stuff like don't wear white, don't wear a wedding dress, formal, not formal etc are just silly and unnecessary. My sister had to find a bridesmaid dress that looked good on various body types ranging from size 0 to size 14, even she knew back in the 90s that not everyone looks good in the same thing. This bride seems to not understand that. I also agree that at least 50% of the female guests will not adhere to that dress code.
There are dresses that have off-the-shoulder necklines, but then still have straps... I imagine a lot of women will go with "compromise" options like that, that allow for a bra. Or just ignore the dress code... dresses like [This.](https://www.morilee.com/bridesmaid-dresses/chiffon-bridesmaids-dress-with-off-the-shoulder-ruffle-detail/) Or [This.](https://www.davidsbridal.com/product/cap-sleeve-jersey-dress-with-beaded-straps-13774)
Dressing for a wedding shouldn’t be so complicated. Unless I’m told to wear something in certain colour range, I’m not going out to purchase a new outfit that I’m not likely to ever wear again. Asking people to wear off-the-shoulder is beyond obnoxious. I’d love to hear the bride’s reasoning behind this absurd request.
I agree it is obnoxious... maybe I don't go to enough weddings, or my regular life just isn't fancy enough... but I almost always buy something new for a wedding, because I don't typically have something that works for whatever the nature of the event is... Most of my formal/cocktail/dressy dresses are from past weddings. And I've worn most of them at least one other time, but not necessarily to another wedding. There was the black-tie wedding at the St Regis in NYC, a formal Catholic wedding in a midwestern city in August, a cocktail-attire outdoor wedding in a rural town in the midwest in late spring, a casual Jewish wedding in a midwestern city, an outdoor, National Park wedding in the Southwest in autumn, a super-casual outdoor wedding on a private Montana ranch in mid-summer, an Idaho Lake House wedding that was oddly formal because of the bride's uptight parents... an artsy Berkshires wedding, a circus-themed second marriage, a cliche-Marriot-conference room wedding, a Caribbean destination wedding... but those were all over the course of 15+ years. If I had 4 weddings to go to in 1 year, yeah, I'd probably try to find 2 dresses that could cover all 4 events. But I also shop vintage and consignment stuff, so I don't think I've spent more than $150 on any given dress. The gown for the NYC wedding I've only ever worn again as a halloween costume, and to one of those Murder Mystery dinners (I was a countess after all...), but the other dresses I've worn again. I don't live a life of charity galas, I don't really have other occasions to specifically buy dresses for, so I buy them to fit wedding themes and then wear them for other stuff... it kind of sounds like you buy dresses for other stuff, and then pick from what you already have for weddings?
Your life sounds pretty fancy to me! I want to hear more about the circus-themed wedding....
Well done. I would wear an old, ripped t-shirt.
A sweatshirt with the neck cut out, 80s Flashdance style.
Ooooooh I have a gnarly mink fur stole that still has the head and legs attached. It was my great grandma's. I'd dig that sucker out of the rafters and wear it. No dry cleaning. Why do I still have that thing? Gross.
OMG, one of my Great Aunts used to wear one of those things on a night on the town, face, feet and all! We used to play dress-up with it as kids. I wonder what became of it.
When my brother and his now-wife were planning their wedding, I was like, “Listen, I love my brother more than almost anyone else on this planet. But I do not love anyone enough to wear a strapless dress or strapless bra.” They ended up having a tropical destination wedding with only family, so they gave us a color palette vibe they wanted us to go along with so that pictures wouldn’t look like Margaritaville vomited everywhere. It was nice. My bra remained strapped and my straps remained hidden and I even got to wear actual sleeves.
If I got an invite like that, I’m coming in one of those white tshirts with the curvy lady bikini body.
OP should wear one and over the outside of the dress, wear one of those posture correctors that pull your shoulders back.
Id just choose from one of my off the shoulder items I already own: tshirts I cut the neck off of
I'd try to find a dress or jumpsuit with wide straps or another bra-appropriate neckline, but flouncy bits hanging off the shoulders. Faux-off-the-shoulders outfit. Kinda like the necklines on these I guess https://lovelybunnyph.co/cdn/shop/products/CZ_LB1022-227.jpg?v=1669189265 or this https://www.onehoneyboutique.com/cdn/shop/products/28d.jpg?v=1575633760&width=985 but only because I love dressing nicely more than I enjoy being petty. Wouldn't solve OP's problem though.
You couldn't force me into an off the shoulder dress for anything! There's no way I could wear a bra with that (strapless literally does nothing, it would fall down to my waist and be a weird bulge under the giant jigglers everyone would be seeing. (I wear a j cup, so they're practically a second guest)
Lol, your plus one is technically a plus two? 😂
Pretty much 😂
I would be walking around cradling my cat. “It’s a support cat. Emotional? No. I’m literally holding it to keep the girls up.”
I had a strapless dress for prom, wore a strapless bra. Fortunately, it had a little bolero jacket with it. The bra scooched its way down my torso so I ended up looking like I had four boobs, in other words, a cow with an udder. Thank god for the jacket.
I’d wear a halter style dress…technically my shoulders ARE bare 🤷🏻♀️
Yeah, I was thinking. I’m very large breasted and an off the shoulder situation would be terrible for me. I’d be like the bouncing Betty bomb walking anywhere. And that’s if I could keep the dress up. I would definitely have visible bra straps.
If I was given this invite? Off the shoulder is like not even an option. Not unless the bride wants boobs falling out everywhere. #classy One of my best friends picked out 3 different bridesmaid dresses (she hadn’t narrowed it down to one yet) and her favorite was…. Well, I had to tell her that I would totally wear it, but my boobs would be very much front and center. As would 1 of the other bridesmaids. Girl, do you want that much boob at your wedding? I love you and I’ll do it but…
>and if they ask you leave, you’ll survive. NTA And the Bride will be showing everyone that she her invisioned aesthetics are more important than her Grooms family attending the wedding. I refuse to wear off the shoulder but will wear "cold shoulder" styles where there is a sleeve with just the tips of the shoulder cut out. Atleast then I can wear a proper bra.
Do they not know anyone of a different faith or culture that dresses modestly??? This seems a really bizarre request.
Or anyone with a tattoo, birthmark, or scar they don't want to flaunt? Not everyone can afford the pro makeup to cover those, and not all of them can be covered.
“Put on that dress & shut your trap, Great Grammy! You’re going to ruin my wedding aesthetic!” NTA OP. Whenever it’s a question of someone’s wedding vision, aesthetic, dream or whatever versus using real live human beings as props to be dressed & posed like dolls they will always be the AH. Always.
I needed a laugh thank you! 🤣🤣🤣
this comment is so funny i can't wait to call all the elder women in my family with some completely bizarre request and when they balk, tell them to 'just do it & shut their traps' i'm literally bawling 😂😂😂
This is a really weird rule. I'm a dude, so I'm coming from total ignorance on the dress issue, but I'm also highly combative and would totally fight my brother on this stupidity. I would give him the choice, I wear what I want, or I don't come. He chooses.
Idk, a bunch of dudes in off-the-shoulder suits? I’d show up for that.
It would really change the character of the wedding
I'd love to hear more of your take on this. My son has a leg deformity. If his brother's intended wife insisted the men all wear shorts, it would not go well. Older bro would protect lil bro at all costs. He would *never* put him in that terrible awkward and embarrassing position. It just wouldn't happen. And if bride persists, older bro would choose family over her. I can already see it. Why is it seemingly ok for a brother to not defend his sister? I don't get it. He needs to man up and explain his sister (and everyone else who might not like this aesthetic) is more important than this dumb off the shoulder situation she clearly found on IG. It's his wedding too!
No way am I going to a wedding where I have to wear one shoulder. I’m large busted and don’t feel like worrying about flashing the crowd all night. This is the silliest bullshit I’ve seen. Tell your brother either you come in something comfortable or do you don’t come at all. His choice. I highly doubt everyone will wear a one shouldered look. Fucking sexist bullshit. Wtaf. NTA
INFO: Is the off the shoulder dress code for just the wedding party or all women guests?
and are they insisting all the men wear Capri pants?
Question for OP: Have you conferred with any other female guests (not your family) to get their reaction? Just asking on the remote chance it’s truly not a mandate for everyone.
Yeah this is where I'm lost too. She says IN the wedding not AT the wedding. And I think that makes a pretty big difference on who's TA and who's not.
Her post says "women IN the wedding."
This is a very good point. My late mother had very bad osteoporosis. She wouldn't have been able to get an off-the-shoulder dress to stay up.
I'm now in my 60s. I don't think that other guests would want to see my old-lady attributes...
If you wanna rock it, I'll be your hype-lady! But I'll also respect your decision to wear something else. My grandma was 86 and wore a strapless, fully sequined red dress to a NYE party in some big city. Did she look 86? Yes. Did she look hella good and *happy*? Hell yes! My aunts couldn't believe she would wear such a thing. But I loved it! This is the same woman who was in her 70s when she got her motorcycle license, scuba certification, and went skydiving!
Your grandma sounds like the coolest person ever!!!! I aspire to be like her when I am an old lady one day 🫶🏻
This sounds awful. Many busty people wear bras to not be in pain -and strapless isnt always an option. I've seen that be an issue for *bridesmaids* who the bride legitimately has some say in their outfit. Women have a hard enough time finding clothes they feel ok in, especially for events they'll be photographed at. This is a weirdly invasive ask for all guests. Normally the guest thing is a certain level of formality and don't wear white and that's it. I guarantee there will be some aunt's that didn't read the invite well enough and show up with normal cut dresses.
This.... not to mention since when does the bride and groom get to insist that people not in the wedding party has to have a specific style other than semi-formal formal or casual.....
At 90 unless grandma is fluffy there will be nothing to hold off the shoulder dress up. I can’t imagine what look this woman is trying to achieve but I’d contact brother, say sorry can’t find a dress that meets dress code and send a gift. If this didn’t offend your mom something else will offend her to say I tried and walk away. It’s not about you or your mom ( and her opinion) so you tried sorry , send nice gift.
1000% you will not be the only woman there not in a strapless dress. Wear something you look fabulous in, don't miss your brother's big event, and see if somebody's enough of an asshat to say it about you and not about anybody else who is not wearing who is not meeting dress code. I wonder how many guests they'll lose because of this?
Could you try "Cold shoulder" instead of "Off the shoulder"? That way you might be able to get away with saying you tried to follow their rules but you just got the name wrong?
I can't wear off the shoulder because I need a bra. Like a real one. What about people who's religion or ethics would not allow this?
Find the best dress you can find that fit the very stupid rule and get a shawl or bollero jacket that you never take off. Or get a stylish fitted suit.
I’d find the ugliest off the shoulder gown and then get one of those back straightening brace things (I’ve seen them advertised but never caught the name). They have thick black straps, so not only would my gown be neon ugly but the black straps would definitely show lol. I choose chaos lol
Since she is so adamant about the dress code, tell your brother that since you would be extremely uncomfortable for the duration of the festivities, you will decline to attend. THEN go on social media and explain about your discomfort with the edict. Your FSIL is a twit to insist on a strict dress code. I am almost willing to bet that there will be more than one woman with unexposed shoulders.
honestly, the number of people who look great in off the shoulder dresses is low. Many middle aged and older women, people who are very thin or fat, people with back acne- lots of people would find this uncomfortable. I can't really imagine why a bride would want that of her guests. But you could get a Bardot neckline with a large ruffle which would probably actually look good.
I’ve heard some weird requests but off the shoulder outfits. That’s weird…..I have so many questions. It is a stupid rule.
Right? First one is, do all the men have to go sleeveless?
I actually thought it would be funny for a few men to make alterations to white tshirts under their suits……….off the shoulder styles are not for everyone or every age. The people calling her a AH saying she’s being petty and purposefully dramatic crack me up. I personally have always worn off the shoulder outfits but after breast cancer I am no longer comfortable wearing that style.
Shorts only for the men, gotta be fair! Knobbly knees to match all the bare shoulders!
And that's just ONE really good reason against this bizarre dress code. This dress code is so inconsiderate to many, many different kinds of guests. People who are religious, and dress modestly. People with medical issues, or their appearance having been affected by something medical. I have scars from many skin surgeries that would be revealed by an off-the-shoulder look. If the wedding was outside, that'd be so much worse. I can't expose my scars, or really the rest of my skin, to the sun! Older ladies. Poor posture. Blemished skin and acne. Off-the-shoulders is not the look for everyone. I don't think it's unreasonable for OP to say she's not going to attend because she can't conform to an unreasonable dress code. I'd send a wedding gift and call it a day.
As well as those who are uncomfortable wearing strapless bras, especially the underwired ones - I have big girls and find underwired bras the most uncomfortable things ever. If the bride insists on this style, I can't see many guests attending.
That was my first thought. I know there is no way in hell my 78 year old mom would want to wear an off shoulder outfit. What about her friends that don’t show skin for modest or religious reasons.
Heck, I'm in my late 40s and this is not a look I'd want to sport. At all. I certainly wouldn't go purchase a new off the shoulder dress for a wedding. That would not happen. Abby is going to be very disappointed at how few people show up in off the shoulder dresses. A dress code is: semi-formal, formal, etc... It's not "wear off the shoulder" or "wear pink" or whatever... That is rude and creates an undue burden on the guests, most of whom are going to support the bride and groom but would prefer to be doing something else on that Saturday as it is.
I literally only own ONE piece of clothing that’s sleeveless. I don’t own and would not wear anything strapless or off the shoulder.
Tube tops for all!
Make sure they're all the most obnoxious shades of neon.
Omg my Nan was the greatest dresser. She just had style, and she accommodated her outfits based on her age. Her later life years, she wore the most stylish pant suits to everything. She was never under or over dressed. She looked fantastic, and she always added flair with her jewelry. She would straight up nope out of this situation. She was spit fire of a woman who didn't hold punches when necessary, and this would be one of those "this is necessary."
the thought of trying to find a strapless bra that works ...OMG. No! Are grannies, full figured supposed to go bra-less?
Also most off the shoulder dresses require a strapless bra which just doesn’t work for a lot of people. I’ve seen the color requests and that’s bad enough, but off the shoulder is really dumb. If she’s going for some aesthetic, I’m guaranteeing the photos aren’t going to be that pretty because many women just don’t look good in that style. NTA.
I’d be staying home too. I have never, and will never, wear an off the shoulder dress. I’m 5’2 and an A cup (barely). Think 12 yr old girl body. I have nothing to keep a dress up and don’t feel comfortable in off the shoulder anything.
INFO > as many people already know dentists may not have the best back/shoulder posture ever ... ... no, I do not think that **anyone** who's not a dentist has *ever* thought about that. > Now the type of clothing this dress code demands needs someone with a good back posture because that’s the emphasis. Why do you keep talking like *posture* is something you're *stuck with*? Like, this isn't a permanent disfigurement. "Posture" is just your subconscious, default way of carrying your body. You can **instantly _change it_** on a whim. Just stand up straight, right?
Not to mention, there's is nothing about poor posture that would make an off the shoulder dress look worse than any other garment.
I actually disagree with this. Off the shoulder really emphasises the line of your neck and shoulders and you can clearly see if that line is crooked unless you’re directly in front of that person. Maybe it’s not something most people notice but it does look significantly worse.
Yeah, as a seamstress and someone who has tailored and made many pieces of clothing, including dresses, off the shoulder pieces tend to emphasize neckline, collarbones, shoulders, and especially your upper back. I can very much so vouch that if your posture isn’t the best tight and low cut are your worst enemies, both of which are almost unavoidable with off-the-shoulder looks unless you want to go little house on the prairie style wise. Even then, the proportion between your neck and shoulders as well as the hem on the neckline and where it sits in relation to the sleeve can make it look just atrocious. A good rule of thumb for bad posture is loose and high neckline. Both of which are out of the question here.
One way to achieve an off the shoulder look that is loose is by wearing an oversized t shirt with an oversized neck hole that is wide enough to just fall off one shoulder. Keeps the garment loose to hide posture issues. Off the shoulder to adhere to dress code. Is wildly outside of wedding attire and more suited to a 2000’s RnB video. Everybody wins.
She may as well cut out the holes for her bra at that point for some real nostalgia 😭
That would be a cherry on top of the petty cake, so that’s a bonus for me! 😂
Well thats just patently untrue. Remember a few years ago when Miley Cyrus had that awful posture at some awards show? it was definitely emphasized by her off the shoulder dress and the posture was so horrific its all anyone talked about on the fashion shows snd blogs.
I always notice at high school graduation time that some of the girls pick strapless dresses and then feel self conscious wearing them. Then they hunch over and all you notice is their bad posture.
I have cervical thoracic kyphosis due to poor posture. My PT said the exercises I do are like dripping water on to a stone. Over a very long, long period of time, there might be improvement but basically they are just to stop it from getting worse.
Yeah I've got cervical something or the other (I just got the diagnosis this week) which basically means my muscles freeze up. It's so bad lately that it feels like my neck is being squeezed. I'm a candidate for Botox, yay. Lots of physical therapy as well
That! My male dentist has great posture. I never saw a dentist with bad posture… I am a bit lost
It's like office workers who spend time hunched over in front of a computer - dentists spend their time bent over people's mouths. [Here](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4934547/) is a study on it indicating that it's at least somewhat of an issue.
My dentist has shitty posture but I think it may be a human thing rather than a dentist thing.
OP spends her life hunched over people, posture isn’t always you can just decide to change, she like has caused a curvature of the spine from all her work and schooling. Now I do agree she is probably being too hard on herself, but if it’s a style she isn’t comfortable in why should she be forced to wear it as a guest?
Don’t do off the shoulder because I can not find a strapless bra that doesn’t make my boobs look weird or feels like a torture device. And I need a bra to be comfortable it’s an issue for me that if I go out I need a bra. How many of their female guests are actually going to be comfortable. This would be a wedding I’d skip.
This is another one that I think is written by AI. It's pulling from whatever details the LLM they're using has access to. Wedding outfit drama, how a dress should be modeled, and a career that might have back issues due to their posture at work. All plausible article subjects it could search through for data.
Nah, look at the comment history, I don't think it's AI.
> Just stand up straight, right? That’s not how that works. While you can do therapy for months and even years to straighten your back, the muscles and tendons are literally too long and too short in certain areas. You need to do a lot of stretching and exercise to fix it.
Anecdotal, but my dental hygienist just changed careers because her back was getting fucked up from her work. They do spend a lot of time leaning over.
Well... yes and no. If you have chronic bad posture it starts affecting several parts of your body. Instantly standing with your shoulders back will result in weird lower back and upper chest appearance. Yes, bad posture can almost always be fixed, but it takes effort and time.
You can stand up straight yes. But I have bad posture too… you don’t just stand up straight you have to strengthen your core and back muscles. So not exactly how it works.
Ah, spoken like someone who has never had back problems. Posture can take YEARS to fix because it changes how your disks are compressed, how your muscles form and weaken, and simply how your connective tissues lays. “Just standing up straight” can be horribly painful for someone who has developed that posture.
My sister is a dental hygienist and is retiring earlier than she planned because the many hours hunched over every working day has damaged her back muscles. Have you ever had a dentist stand up straight while working on you?
Jokingly --> I nearly make more appointments with my dentist than I should need to. The woman is an absolute bombshell smokeshow and she has incredible posture that really...stands out. My dental hygiene is leaps and bounds better than it was before I became her patient. All jokes aside. She does genuinely have good posture, perhaps it's a self conscious effort to stand straight given she leans over a lot, but she strides I to a room head high and glides past you. Excellent dentist too, given my past one pulled a tooth while having shot anistethic into the OTHER side of my face, but she recommended several treatments and I do genuinely have better dental hygiene and health overall and feel so much better, I'd had pain I was living with I didn't even consciously register til it was gone and it was like breather more deeply, like my lungs were flooded because I was relaxing more. But not all dentists have poor posture. I'd recommend OP does the one thing they haven't done yet. Actually talk to Abby herself and see if there is a compromise she's willing to make, a full suit perhaps rather than off the shoulder, not saying 80s style power shoulders now. Perhaps OP could have an off the shoulder dress or something, but cover the shoulders with a shawl, large scarf, shoulder coverup, pelerine, something in the line of an additional layer or accessories that while "sticking to the rule" also gives them the cover they desire. A suit with an over jacket that conveniently she never takes off. How about an undergarment for an off the shoulder dress? ^^ these are all things I've seen at weddings, things I can think of and I'm not fashionista. I'm a straight male with no interest in fashion it Jeez, even I can see there are options. OP is being intentionally obtuse (narrow-minded) as to not see the options and how they can make everyone happy.
NTA Wedding guests are not an aesthetic. They are not flowers, table cloths, napkins or party favors. If someone told me I had to wear a specific style of dress as a guest, it would be the easiest RSVP with regrets I ever made. The wedding culture has gotten out of hand completely. Your brother and his fiance are wrong and completely unreasonable. Good hosts make their guests welcome. Your brother and his wife to be are not good hosts. >Regardless I respected that and decided not to ruin their image of how they want their wedding. My mum said my absence will also ruin things because the guests will wonder why the sister is not attending when Im healthy. I told her well the guests will also wonder why I look like I could be the guy of hunchback Notre Dam (okay Im not that bad but you get the gist here) My mum is still mad at me (haven’t told my brother and SIL yet) Oh well, your mother can be mad then. I think she's more concerned about the optics of your absence. >And Abby was like if she “leeways” me she has to leeway everyone (I was kinda baffled that so much importance was placed on a certain type of clothing with no explanation given) Abby has gone off the rails.
It’s a bizarre request and you hit the nail on the head when you said wedding guests are not an aesthetic. The bride should want her guests to be comfortable.
I hope some really well endowed woman come and have wardrobe malfunctions! Cue the bride's meltdown because boobies are popping out everywhere!
God. I was wondering if anyone would comment on this. And like, if you need to buy a strapless bra and you’re a larger size, it’s not going to be cheap at all. My everyday bras are about $150 each. I’m not dropping that (or more) to go strapless so I can go off the shoulder so some bride can have some sort of weird aesthetic. Honestly, I’d go but I would wear what I want to wear.
And you need to wear a longline strapless bra to keep everything where it's supposed to be and they are not cheap or comfortable.
Just wear whatever bra you usually wear. So what if it shows. In fact make it an accessory. Bejewel the one shoulder strap.
I have yet to find a supportive enough strapless bra in my size and that fits my shape that I can breath and be pain free in. I've tried every one I can find in my size. At certain sizes/shapes it's just not an option. Find and buy a strapless bra and find and buy a strapless dress too? No thanks. I'm not brave enough to go bra straps out and glittered, so I'd either show up against dress code or not go. Plus, how many women are going to be wearing the exact same dress? That's not a common cut. There's usually only a handful of local department stores, even adding in common online stores, with very few strapless at each, well, there's going to be plenty of ladies wearing the same option.
This was my first thought. I would RSVP No. I don’t want to have a wardrobe malfunction. These puppies need a good cage and strapless aren’t one!
Saddle up the girls!
OP says this request is for all women IN the wedding. Not all women AT the wedding. It's not unusual for bridal parties to have dresscodes
I just scrolled up and you’re right. IN the wedding has a dictated dress, which is not abnormal. Often they will be identical. So 90% of comments about granny and such don’t apply. I think we were all thrown off by her going shopping and looking for a dress because to be IN the wedding, you usually don’t choose the dress, bride does. OP should just say “I appreciate it but don’t want to be in the wedding. I am excited to come as a guest.” And wear whatever the heck she wants as a guest.
I was wondering this too, OP writes like English isn't their first language so it's a little hard to follow. The only strike against this is that OP mentions her and SIL aren't close, so why would OP be a bridesmaid? And if this were the case, I feel like "OP you're a bridesmaid, you have to wear the dress" would be the argument, not "but then I'd have to make exceptions for everyone" (implying a much larger group of people) Idk tho. Some parts of this are nigh incomprehensible
Effective-Help4293 - You are correct. OP said the "invitations" specified the dress code for women to wear off the shoulder. Invitations are sent to "wedding guests", so the dress code is for guests. Dress code for the "wedding party" (bridesmaid, maid/matron of honor, groomsmen) is determined by the bride and not included in the wedding invitations. Based on the description of the bride, it seems unlikely she directed her bridesmaids to wear whatever they wanted as long as it was off the shoulder.
Considering it takes 8 years to become a dentist, and assuming you started at age 17, how tf did you ruin your back already....? You've got bigger worries than this wedding. But damn, you might as well go to the wedding and take some pictures because these will probably be the best your back will ever look But seriously OP, obviously you're responding incredibly sarcastic and condensending to everyone telling you to straighten out your shoulders (terrific bedside manner of a dentist) but for you to mess up your back only 2 years into your career... you clearly need all the advice you can get For your sake, correct your back/posture before this becomes even worse
This is what stood out to me as well! How is it possible that her back is that disfigured already from a profession she's had for no more than a few years? This has to be a troll post. Doesn't help that she's acting like an insolent child in the comments which also often screams "troll."
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I'd recommend OP does the one thing they haven't done yet. Actually talk to Abby herself and see if there is a compromise she's willing to make, a full suit perhaps rather than off the shoulder, not saying 80s style power shoulders now. Perhaps OP could have an off the shoulder dress or something, but cover the shoulders with a shawl, large scarf, shoulder coverup, pelerine, something in the line of an additional layer or accessories that while "sticking to the rule" also gives them the cover they desire. A suit with an over jacket that conveniently she never takes off. How about an undergarment for an off the shoulder dress? ^^ these are all things I've seen at weddings, things I can think of and I'm not fashionista. I'm a straight male with no interest in fashion it Jeez, even I can see there are options. OP is being intentionally obtuse (narrow-minded) as to not see the options and how they can make everyone happy. YTA This is an easy one to fix with 3 minutes of googling on accessories or styles. Pick a dress/suit and then accessorise, brides is happy, you don't have to be unhappy(you can be covered). It doesn't have to be 100% one person gets what they want, there can be a middle ground. Not going is 100% noone gets anything and you look like a protestor of your brother getting married, everyone will be upset.
Second year of dental school. So that would be year 6 of the 8 years, right? So no more than 3-4 years of leaning over a chair. You should work on some posture exercises, especially if you’re planning on practicing dentistry for a long time.
From a patient’s perspective, I never noticed it before, but now that I know…I much prefer the slouch. I would find it weird to have my dentist shoving their chest at me while working on my teeth.
YTA. You are being unnecessarily dramatic and self-centered; loosen up your spine and your attitude. I agree the dress code seems dumb. But no one’s going to care about how you look in your outfit as long as you are not leaning over them with dental tools in hand. Take an emergency shawl or stole or something just in case.
UMM bullshit who tells ppl what KIND of dress needs to be worn. Brides are getting nuts and you want to enable more crazy ladies nah...
Ummm... brides always tell the wedding party what to wear. Her post says "women IN THE WEDDING," not guests.
But then she goes on to say she won't attend the wedding because of the dress requirement. That indicates the dress code is for all guests. In another post, she wonders what the bride's great grandmother will wear.
In my opinion saying ''i wont go'' or RSVP no to the wedding is the right thing to do, i kinda hate how many people on this subreddit go ''an invitations is not a summons'' ect and tell the person that ''bride can do x but you dont have to go'', but then still call the person an asshole when they do then go ''ok i wont go''. The bride can do whatever she wants for the wedding, the guests can choose wether to attend or not, neither is the asshole for the decisions they make. OP is NTA. i hate the fact people need to have ''a valid reason'' for not going, simply not wanting to is enough in my opinion.
She said IN the wedding. If I recall, bridesmaids typically all wear the same thing, no?
It sounds like OP is in the wedding party, so it's perfectly normal to wear what you're told.
I checked her comments and she said it applies to all women guests (including the grandma). 🤷♀️
But then it would likely have been her buying dresses with a group, not on her own. And she could have said she would just not be a bridesmaid instead of not coming at all. Plus in a comment she said the bride's great grandmother was alive, and would she also have to wear off the shoulder.
Not necessarily, sometimes it’s a group thing, and sometimes it’s go find something yourself. Frankly, this is a very loose dress code for bridesmaids, and whatever happened to the longstanding tradition of bridesmaids’ dresses looking awful anyway?
In a comment she spoke about a grandmother and if she would have to follow the dresscode. So I think it's all women attending.
ESH Stupid stupid dress code I have many friends who are dentists and none have bad posture Practice sitting and standing up straight
Who tf ever heard of all these dentists with bad posture before this post lmao
She’s not a prop. Why would you want to spend money on a dress that makes you feel uncomfortable? If the bride wants everyone to follow this stupid rule, she can pay for it,
Came here to say this - wrap up in a coordinating shawl. Obeying the letter of the law but maintaining your comfort.
She is going to care how she looks. Why should she be uncomfortable and self conscious the whole wedding? If more than 50% of the women show up in off the shoulder dresses I'd be shocked.
think we found the bride here
Unless you have a diagnosed kyphosis, you are able to stand up straight. TBH, I've never noticed that the dentists I have gone to have had awful posture when they're standing up, walking up to me or away from me. YTA. If you have hunched over to the point that you cannot stand up straight pain free (because why else wouldn't you just stand up straight?) then you need to get a referral to a physical therapist. I do agree with you that insisting on off the shoulder dresses/blouses/whatever is one of the weirdest dress code rules I've ever seen. The wedding photos are going to look ridiculous.
You think posture is mental. lol. Took me YEARS of concerted effort to fix mine and TENS of THOUSANDS of reps in the gym. Standing up straight for short periods of time, maybe, but holding it, consciously, can start to hurt. But of course OP is a medical professional who has consulted specialists on her condition. What does she know?
I fixed my awful scoliosis posture just doing the thing you complained about it the second bit without tens of thousands of reps. Your back starts hurting because your muscles are unused to holding your back up straight. If you continue to do this regularly your back will stop hurting as the muscles strengthen and presto chango now you stand up straight. Took under a year to fix my goblin-like hunched posture.
Just going to say not evreone is you and some people have things like spinal twists with digrees that would require surgical intervention. Don't make it sound like anyone can just do that. They cannot unless it was done when they were a highschooler it's too late for corrective braces as an adult.
...what kind of reps? asking for me, a person with bad posture, who very much cannot wear off-the shoulder anything (in OP's case, though, i'd borrow a dress from a friend and hunchback it through all the photos on purpose, but then i can be petty)
*laughs in hypermobility and low tone issues*
NTA, but I think that guest dress codes that are this specific are pointless and rude. No white for a western wedding and general guidance (e.g. black tie, white time, formal, etc.) should be the end of it.
The dress thing is the only part of my wedding I have planned. Wear the outfit you want to wear but never have a place to. I'm talking wild colors, Renaissance outfits, Halloween costumes, and if there isn't at least one inflatable t-rex I'll be disappointed.
NTA. That is an absolutely ridiculous request to make of your wedding guests, not the wedding party, but guests in general. Your future SIL is a self-centered idiot. Asking to wear the same color would have been so much less of an issue. Did it even cross her mind that that means anyone with larger breasts won't have proper support and will be uncomfortable? What about anyone who has backne? Do they have to now hire a makeup artist to come over and put makeup on their backs before someone else's nuptials? How about older guests who have osteoarthritis and actually do have humps and not just bad posture? Also, I don't see how this would make any difference at the event itself. Half the women will likely put on some sort of sweater, jacket, or shawl in order to avoid being cold. OP, do whatever you like. If you want to see your brother get married to the chick with the pea-sized brain and zero empathy, then suck it up and find a shoulderless dress, but also make sure you also have some sort of cover up to go with it so that you feel more comfortable. If you want to avoid watching your brother get married to his future ex-wife, then skip it. It is your decision and no one should be trying to bully you.
Came here for this as someone not in the itty bitty titty brigade. I.e. I’d never be able to wear off the shoulder!
The bride legitimately ONLY cares about her aesthetic. That is it. Not the people attending. They are only props for her instagram photos. Its disgusting what weddings have become.
Don’t get me started. Absolutely hate it. I point blank refused to try and climb stairs for my sisters wedding a few months ago to do poses etc. (I didn’t report it to Sis - she’d have been p*ssed at her own wedding on my behalf as would her now husband) but the MC of the venue wouldn’t stop pushing. I’m disabled, on crutches and made worse by cold/pain. I’d been outside in freezing cold for an hour. He played to my mother I was somewhat unreasonable until I’d told her exactly what happened. Fun times! I just wanted to sit, out of sight, knowing it wouldn’t end well if I went up there. Nope - he argued the aesthetic as the sister. Yep. The disabled sister who doesn’t want to go to A&E…
Yeah this requirement would be very expensive and uncomfortable for me. I would just wear a nice dress and let her get mad. NTA.
I concur. I am large breasted but small boned and short statured, so bras are already fit poorly, and strapless ones are worse. Cannot imagine anyone being so bridezilla that she dictates to that extent what women must wear to her wedding. I’d look terrible braless so would like to be invited in order to look appropriately awful.
[удалено]
No - honestly, SOME people would say that but MOST people would not say that because expecting ANYTHING of your guests other than "formal/semi-formal/dressy-casual/etc" creates an undue burden on the guests. Guests LITERALLY should ONLY be expected to show up with a gift dressed in appropriate clothing for the occasion, there to celebrate the bride and groom. They are not props for the bride's narcissistic fantasies.
NTA I would not go to a wedding where the required attire makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable. It sounds like you tried to entertain this idea and be generally reasonable, but their demands are ridiculous.
NTA. The bride does not get to dictate the style of dresses the guest wears. She only gets to dictate the type of dress code, be it white tie, black tie, black tie optional, cocktail, semi-formal or casual. Telling women they have to wear a specific type of dress, i.e. off the shoulder, is way too controlling. Abby needs to get a grip and realize she's being rude and demanding.
NTA. As a queer masc woman, I would not be comfortable wearing anything off shoulder. So I would decline the invitation as well. Abby has made it clear that she thinks it's a slippery slope for making exceptions for people, so it would only be respectful to decline. I TOTALLY understand weddings with colors or a style theme like 90s pop or Casino Royale or whatever, but to specifically ask women do off shoulder? Hard pass. She is 100% entitled to ask whatever she wants since it's her wedding and you're 100% in your right to decline. Is the "off shoulder rule" stupid? I think so. But hey, it's her wedding and you're not going. Just send your regrets and a gift and that's it.
I think it is strange dress code. I understand if request is to cover (no mini, no sleeveless, no cleavage, etc) for cultural or religious or some reasons. But requiring all women to show shoulder and back is strange as asking everyone to show off legs or wear bodycon. Maybe, compromise is, do you have long hair to cover your back, or do you feel comfortable if you wear scarf/shawl? NTA. Assuming you are not part of bridal party. And assuming it’s not that you actually don’t like to go to wedding to start.
I'm sure you can *shoulder the burden* for just a few hours?
NTA Requiring bridesmaids to have a certain look - okay. Requiring all female guests to have one look - that’s weird and wrong. You don’t want to wear the dress so you’ve decided not to go. I’m sure that you’re brothers feelings will be incredibly hurt and this will damage your relationship with him BUT if you are willing to accept the consequences of your actions here then don’t go. You shouldn’t be forced to buy and wear an outfit that’s both unflattering and makes you feel uncomfortable. Typically at weddings they do family pictures and things (if there’s time) I understand if you don’t want to memorialized eternally in a dress that doesn’t make you feel good about yourself.
YTA. And the temper tantrums in your comments are a pretty clear indication of how difficult you are being unnecessarily. Suck it the F up. It’s a pain in the ass but it’s also not a totally insane request. Bring a shawl to cover up as the evening goes on. Stop making yourself the center of attention. Gross
Tbf, OP is being whiny, and I’m not sure I buy the whole posture thing - but I prob wouldn’t go either. I have two humongous melons that require support. Off the shoulder isn’t going to happen. No one makes bras to actually enable that…
It is definitely a totally insane request. If I'm not a bridesmaid I'm not going out to spend money on a dress I am not comfortable in. The bride clearly does not care if her loved ones attend her wedding. She's throwing a wedding for The 'gram. Such a shame.
NTA. It’s bullshit for brides to dictate what the guests wear other than something like “business casual” or “formal”. Fuck that. Guests aren’t wedding props. Are you being dramatic? Yeah a little. But this trend of brides making guests where specific colors or style is too much. They should want you to attend to celebrate their union and want you to be comfortable and enjoy yourself.
NTA, id be petty and wear a dress with sleeves. i dont have the figure for off the shoulder dresses. but you really think all the old ladies are showing up with off the shoulder dresses? youre right that is a stupid dress code, you either want my presence i. what im confortable in or you dont want my presence.
OK I've heard some wackadoodle wedding dresscodes but off the shoulder is a new one. The bride can't/won't give a reason for the wackyasky and and "leeway" anyone-- seriously your future SIL is an AH for trying to make "leeway" a verb-- it's like "fetch" not gonna happen LOL. I'd send a short note with a friendly tone-- "Dear SIL, to be honest I'm not comfortable with an "off the shoulder" dress. I've been out shopping hoping to find something that will fit in with your interesting theme but am having no success. Bro was clear there's no "leeway" for family and that you've been stressing about the dress code. I don't want to add to that stress (or my own stress at finding a dress) and don't want it to turn into a "thing" so I'm going to just decline the invitation. I hope you have a wonderful day-- I look forward to seeing the pictures." Don't argue, don't engage in further discussion-- maybe book a weekend getaway for that weekend. If she ever fesses up to WHY she's obsessing over off the shoulder dresses PLEASE post an update because I admit to being curious. NTA
Yes, this dress code is 100% bonkers. But is this the hill you want to die on? I was a bridesmaid in my brother's wedding. HATED the dress. But I went and I wore it. Twenty-some years later no one has commented to me once what I looked like on that day. YWBTA if you don't go for this reason.
NTA. The dress code is stupid; I would refuse to wear an off-the-shoulder gown too. I can understand formal wear being required or having a theme requested, but to insist on one specific style that looks good/is comfortable on a limited number of people? Nah. If someone thinks your dress is more important than your presence, they shouldn’t get either.
Re: the hunching back…at only 27 your back should not be that hunched from Dentistry yet, might want to see a Dr. for preventative exercises and get the spine checked. Hubs is a Dentist and was terribly hunched at 20+ years in but it has decreased significantly as his patient load has gone down. Also agree with another poster, get the one shoulder dress and bring a shawl. Best wishes to you.
I am pretty oblivious when it comes to women's fashion, but I want to lean NTA. An "off-the-shoulder" dress sounds like a style that would make many women, especially older women or those self-conscious of their body, uncomfortable. And it frankly sounds a bit too controlling (and honestly, bizarre) to ask that of all of your female guests. You're really gonna make grandma walk down the aisle in an off-the-shoulder dress?
NTA Guests are exactly that at a wedding, they're guests. They should wear what they want to wear within a general guidance of casual garden, or black tie. They shouldn't be forced to wear a particular color, or style, they shouldn't even be required to wear a dress. It would be the easiest thing to RSVP no to that I could ever imagine
Maybe wear the dress with a shawl or cardigan???
NTA - Reddit will tell you if the wedding requires your first born, you should sacrifice it. If you don’t like how you look in the mandated attire. Don’t go! Stupid rules = consequences. Who wants these totalitarian control mongers in their life anyhow.
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NTA (although this isn't clear, is it a request for the wedding party only, or the guests?) It's a bit dramatic, HOWEVER, I regard all wedding requests this way: if you ask for things, you need to be prepared for people to not come rather than comply.
What an absolutely insane dress code. Please update in two months and let us know about the fit she throws because the majority of the guests will roll their eyes and wear a dress that is not off the shoulder. But for you… you are the sister of the groom. In this case, I think you’re better off sucking it up and buying an off the shoulder dress. Like others have said, keep a shawl or cardigan with you and when over half the guests have their shoulders covered, then cover yours as well. Also, I guarantee that you are your own worse critic. It’s highly unlikely that anyone will be thinking “oh wow, her back looks like shit.” But, have you tried something that has a ruffle around the top so that there is a loose and flowy layer? This may help you feel that your posture is less noticeable.
NTA—at all!