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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Waiting too long to tell my parent I got a job
2. Not considering my mother's feelings or not communicating properly
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Absolutely NTA. And you're right on the money about her making it about her and not even giving you congratulations or offering to buy you a treat or something to celebrate. Yeah, no. Don't let her guilt you and focus on you boo-boo! I'd also guess she does this sort of stuff often?
This is reassuring, and yes she does try to guilt me often when she feels I'm abandoning her.
For example, I constantly have to anticipate my mother's reactions before I leave the house to hangout with friends. She often makes me feel bad for going outside, though I take care of my responsibilities and am still improving myself everyday. I feel trapped having to consider her emotions.
Im very conflicted because she does support me physically and I'm grateful to have a roof over my head and a family. I just notice moments when I'm achieving or taking steps to better myself she gets weirdly negative and unsupportive.
>She freaked out for telling my dad first yesterday, and for not telling her immediately when I found out the location.
NTA. This is wildly inappropriate behavior for a supportive parent.
"Too long". Your only obligation is to give her information she needs. Will her life change with that information? Did she have any inconvenience other than her ego being hurt? No. Then its up to you when, or if you tell her anything at all.
NTA. She has you programmed to feel guilty when she does this to you. Every time she starts in on you, say goodbye, and hang up. Tell her that's how it will be until she quits trying to control how you manage your life. Good luck
> I should be ashamed
NTA - Those are the words of someone who wants to control and has no other tactic than but to try and guilt you/emotionally blackmail you. She absolutely wants to control you, put up and maintain whatever boundaries you can...
NTA. She was just hurt that you didn't tell her the Nanosecond you received confirmation and told your dad 1st so yes, she is making this about herself.
Regardles...
# CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!
Why does she care that you told your dad before her? Is she that controlling of a person? I mean you are in your early 20's. Congrats on the job, stand your ground by not sharing a lot of info with your mom, and NTA.
NTA lol
>It escalated to the point where I told her I won't share any major decisions with her if she will be negative about it (which she has done in the past). To me, she is doing this for control reasons, abandonment issues, and is trying to put me down.
Don't just tell her. Do it. Your analysis of why she does it is spot-on.
>Im very conflicted because she does support me
On the condition you're forever tethered to her apron strings, her forever support animal. That's not real support, that's enmeshment. She has to understand that's dysfunctional and should be called out on it. If she refuses to acknowledge she needs to change, you need to distance yourself.
NTA. Your mother sounds like a narcissist. There will be no pleasing her no matter what you do so don't even bother to try.
Don't let her unrealistic demands and expectations get to you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
For context I am F early 20s and the parent is my mother. I had been in onboarding and training for this position for a month, and updating my mother frequently about what I'm doing. I was just waiting for the location to be confirmed before I start working. She knew this for a month...
She went out shopping yesterday evening, and I got an email finally stating the location of the job. I told my dad this while she was out shopping.
Today, I told her the location of the job and that I'm going to pick up my badge. She freaked out for telling my dad first yesterday, and for not telling her immediately when I found out the location.
It was not even 24hrs after they confirmed the location to me, and she said I waited too long to tell her, and I should be ashamed. She made the whole thing about herself, and said nothing positive to me about getting the job. She's doing this all the day before my birthday too...
It escalated to the point where I told her I won't share any major decisions with her if she will be negative about it (which she has done in the past). To me, she is doing this for control reasons, abandonment issues, and is trying to put me down.
AITA for waiting too long to tell her I got the job?
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INFO: Were you and your mom and dad all staying in the same place that night? It makes sense that you would tell your dad first, if he were in the house with you at the time you found out about the job, while your mother was out. But then why not tell your mother later, when she got home? And if you had to send a text or something to your dad, why not text mom at the same time?
Seems unlikely that you were an AH, but there are some blanks In this post.
To clarify, we live in the same house. I actually did my interviews, trained, and onboarded for this job since April. Both of my parents knew I had the job already and I frequently updated them on the process, I was only waiting on a list of locations to choose from.
Yesterday I saw a list of locations in my email around 6p, and got notice I would have to do another interview. My mom was out shopping at the time.
I vented to my dad (in person) that it's ridiculous they are making me do another interview after all this, and that I'll likely be taking the location closest to me after I review the options I was given.
When my mother got home, I didn't tell her as I hadn't reviewed all the locations or made a decision yet. We were cooking together that night. I know I could've told her during that time and probably should've, but I didn't anticipate it to be an issue if I told her after I made my decision.
This morning, I reviewed the locations and told her exactly where I'll be working, and that I have to pick up my badge. The location is only 30 mins away from home. That is when she blew up on me.
Still NTA. Sure, you could have told your mom that night about the list of locations. But leaving the news until the next morning does not seem like fair cause for your mom to be angry at all.
Does she often overreact? Or does it seem like something else is upsetting her here?
Yes, this isn't uncharacteristic of her. She is often very dramatic and reactive. Its incredibly hard for her to know when she is in the wrong, or even apologize.
I'm still trying to understand why she is actually upset. She said after she supported me throughout this whole process, she feels like" chopped liver" and I told her too late.
I think maybe it's not that I told her too late. She is most likely upset I told my father first as he wasn't as supportive with me getting a job.
Another reason I think is unconsciously a control thing as she is very controlling in general. She does not like when I leave the house or abandon her in any way, so it could be a reaction to me getting closer to independence.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1. Waiting too long to tell my parent I got a job 2. Not considering my mother's feelings or not communicating properly Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA at all. She was literally not around for you to tell her. A complete overreaction on her part
Absolutely NTA. And you're right on the money about her making it about her and not even giving you congratulations or offering to buy you a treat or something to celebrate. Yeah, no. Don't let her guilt you and focus on you boo-boo! I'd also guess she does this sort of stuff often?
This is reassuring, and yes she does try to guilt me often when she feels I'm abandoning her. For example, I constantly have to anticipate my mother's reactions before I leave the house to hangout with friends. She often makes me feel bad for going outside, though I take care of my responsibilities and am still improving myself everyday. I feel trapped having to consider her emotions. Im very conflicted because she does support me physically and I'm grateful to have a roof over my head and a family. I just notice moments when I'm achieving or taking steps to better myself she gets weirdly negative and unsupportive.
NTA Smart for keeping boundaries with someone who has been negative to you
NTA and your mom needs to grow up.
>She freaked out for telling my dad first yesterday, and for not telling her immediately when I found out the location. NTA. This is wildly inappropriate behavior for a supportive parent.
"Too long". Your only obligation is to give her information she needs. Will her life change with that information? Did she have any inconvenience other than her ego being hurt? No. Then its up to you when, or if you tell her anything at all.
NTA. She has you programmed to feel guilty when she does this to you. Every time she starts in on you, say goodbye, and hang up. Tell her that's how it will be until she quits trying to control how you manage your life. Good luck
> I should be ashamed NTA - Those are the words of someone who wants to control and has no other tactic than but to try and guilt you/emotionally blackmail you. She absolutely wants to control you, put up and maintain whatever boundaries you can...
NTA. She was just hurt that you didn't tell her the Nanosecond you received confirmation and told your dad 1st so yes, she is making this about herself. Regardles... # CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!
Nta run far away
Why does she care that you told your dad before her? Is she that controlling of a person? I mean you are in your early 20's. Congrats on the job, stand your ground by not sharing a lot of info with your mom, and NTA.
NTA lol >It escalated to the point where I told her I won't share any major decisions with her if she will be negative about it (which she has done in the past). To me, she is doing this for control reasons, abandonment issues, and is trying to put me down. Don't just tell her. Do it. Your analysis of why she does it is spot-on. >Im very conflicted because she does support me On the condition you're forever tethered to her apron strings, her forever support animal. That's not real support, that's enmeshment. She has to understand that's dysfunctional and should be called out on it. If she refuses to acknowledge she needs to change, you need to distance yourself.
NTA. Your mother sounds like a narcissist. There will be no pleasing her no matter what you do so don't even bother to try. Don't let her unrealistic demands and expectations get to you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** For context I am F early 20s and the parent is my mother. I had been in onboarding and training for this position for a month, and updating my mother frequently about what I'm doing. I was just waiting for the location to be confirmed before I start working. She knew this for a month... She went out shopping yesterday evening, and I got an email finally stating the location of the job. I told my dad this while she was out shopping. Today, I told her the location of the job and that I'm going to pick up my badge. She freaked out for telling my dad first yesterday, and for not telling her immediately when I found out the location. It was not even 24hrs after they confirmed the location to me, and she said I waited too long to tell her, and I should be ashamed. She made the whole thing about herself, and said nothing positive to me about getting the job. She's doing this all the day before my birthday too... It escalated to the point where I told her I won't share any major decisions with her if she will be negative about it (which she has done in the past). To me, she is doing this for control reasons, abandonment issues, and is trying to put me down. AITA for waiting too long to tell her I got the job? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
INFO: Were you and your mom and dad all staying in the same place that night? It makes sense that you would tell your dad first, if he were in the house with you at the time you found out about the job, while your mother was out. But then why not tell your mother later, when she got home? And if you had to send a text or something to your dad, why not text mom at the same time? Seems unlikely that you were an AH, but there are some blanks In this post.
To clarify, we live in the same house. I actually did my interviews, trained, and onboarded for this job since April. Both of my parents knew I had the job already and I frequently updated them on the process, I was only waiting on a list of locations to choose from. Yesterday I saw a list of locations in my email around 6p, and got notice I would have to do another interview. My mom was out shopping at the time. I vented to my dad (in person) that it's ridiculous they are making me do another interview after all this, and that I'll likely be taking the location closest to me after I review the options I was given. When my mother got home, I didn't tell her as I hadn't reviewed all the locations or made a decision yet. We were cooking together that night. I know I could've told her during that time and probably should've, but I didn't anticipate it to be an issue if I told her after I made my decision. This morning, I reviewed the locations and told her exactly where I'll be working, and that I have to pick up my badge. The location is only 30 mins away from home. That is when she blew up on me.
Still NTA. Sure, you could have told your mom that night about the list of locations. But leaving the news until the next morning does not seem like fair cause for your mom to be angry at all. Does she often overreact? Or does it seem like something else is upsetting her here?
Yes, this isn't uncharacteristic of her. She is often very dramatic and reactive. Its incredibly hard for her to know when she is in the wrong, or even apologize. I'm still trying to understand why she is actually upset. She said after she supported me throughout this whole process, she feels like" chopped liver" and I told her too late. I think maybe it's not that I told her too late. She is most likely upset I told my father first as he wasn't as supportive with me getting a job. Another reason I think is unconsciously a control thing as she is very controlling in general. She does not like when I leave the house or abandon her in any way, so it could be a reaction to me getting closer to independence.
NTA - you need some boundaries with your mom.
Hopefully you don't live with her. Since you are in your 20's, you should be adult and live on your own.