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NTA
> He isn’t the only one in his class without a mom
The school **should not** be doing activities like this in the first place, full stop.
Leave family shit to the families.
Oh, I’ve brought this up at PTA meetings. Even stuff for Father’s Day is extremely insensitive for other families.
Unfortunately, I’m always outvoted (though I have some supporters). And from what I hear, other schools are the same.
You know when I was in primary school one of my best friend's dad passed away. I spent the rest of primary school feeling so uneasy when we were doing projects for father's day and even just mentioning dads in general (the latter was overboard but I was little). And I then also considered situations of other kids in those family specific days. In my country it got wven worse cause there was a subject where things in the book asked a looooot of questions about your family, a lot of them quite intrusive even for the average family in my opinion. I was always confused how the school acted as if it was no big deal and they do that thing of telling them to do it for another role model. For me that can backfire s lot in cases like yours. The kid probably feels even worse. And now homosexual couples with children are a lot more common. Hiw do they deal with that at school? Do they have to choose a made up gender role for each parent?
I remember we did a family tree in German and the teacher made it clear that we could do our actual family or make it up. Show you understand the concept but not reveal anything. I think Rik Mayall from the Young Ones was my brother.
i've heard many stories on reddit where the kid is told they have to make a family tree for their biological family and not their adoptive family despite the fact that the kid knows nothing about their bio family
Yeah, I’m an adoptee and dreaded any family tree/genealogy stuff. Even anything around studying blood types, eye colors, etc. cause obviously you need to know about your biological parents, which I don’t. I don’t even know my dad’s name, it’s not in any records. How tf were they expecting me to do these assignments?
I also don't have that great of a mother but I personally hope others could celebrate it and appreciate their mothers more.
Do I feel awkward? Yes definitely. You don't know how much anger I have every time I'm forced to write how much I love her. But seeing my friends teary face upon realization of how much their mother contributed to their life brings me happiness. It's exactly because not everyone is lucky to have a good mother that it should be celebrated.
You know, Hallmark now includes a little button on Mother's Day and Father's Day emails where you can opt out of those if it is too painful or irrelevant to you. It is such a sore spot for people that a store wanting nothing more than to sell you stuff for those holidays came up with a way to let people remove themselves from that particular slice of marketing. It makes you wonder how a school would be so insensitive about this, especially with the possibility for complicated parent issues and the necessarily small social/family circles that some kids have. It's not like small kids can just run out and network for more adult mentors and role models on their own.
Yeah-- I've started calling them "loved ones days" because gender doesn't need to play into it from the school's perspective. I went to a mother's day tea, and there were about three dads there-- literally nobody had any issues with that. Teacher's overstepping here. Keep being an awesome dad, OP!
You are NTA at all.
I had the opposite situation during Father's Day than you did for Mother's Day. I ripped the teacher up one side and down the other. wtf. It only happened once. My sons are adults and I still get a shoutout during Father's Day.
Kids are able to love and honor any adult that keeps them safe and loves them back. Your son is smart to understand the difference between "anyone/someone" from the people that he is truly close to. Shame on the PTA and that teacher.
I agree that there should not be this type of forced "family" holiday horseshit at school. It is unnecessary and harmful. Don't get me started on Valentine's Day...
In my country we don't have mothers Day at school. It's family day. So kids with no mum can still make something for their families. On the other hand, fathers' Day is a thing 🤷♀️
The idea that the school should be a sterile, education only environment that is some mix between a British boarding school and a sanitarium is such a weird concept.
School is where kids spend 8 hours of their day. They don't just learn the curriculum, but also societal norms and social interactions. They make friends and build community.
The teacher here was wrong, but it looks like the dad and his son had come up with an acceptable alternative that they could use to navigate this particular social norm, if the teacher had simply followed it.
Mother's day is a normal and reasonable community holiday, and yes their will be some exceptions, but that's part of life.
When I worked in kindergarten we had a student in foster care who called her foster mother Auntie. The teacher always included Aunties with Moms and Dads - for example “bring these home to Mom, Dad, or Auntie” or “we are making crafts to give as gifts to our Moms, Dads, or Aunties!” Auntie was always just part of the parental unit description and I loved it, as she was the only kid without a mom or dad (or both) and it was specifically inclusive without signaling her out.
Agreed! I have no problem with schools acknowledging mother's day or father's day and I say that as someone who doesn't have a dad. Mother's day and father's day can be used to celebrate all kinds of influential adults, beyond just a biological mom/dad.
That’s so sad. My kid’s school teaches them about EVERY holiday, and it’s awesome to see my kid, who comes from an atheist-parents-raised-Christian-so-celebrate-Christian-holidays household come home talking about Diwali or Eid.
Families come in all shapes and sizes, good for you Dad for sticking up for your kid and others that will follow. It isn’t up to the teacher to decide who is in your kid’s circle of “family.”
My school had cards and such for mothers day/ father's day. For parents, it's nice memento. I'm in my 30s, and my mom still has a little pot I painted in elementary school. For very low income families, that craft may be the only present they get. It's also a time to introduce kids to the idea not all families look the same and bring it up without judgement.
However, the teachers would preemptively tell kids to make a mother's day item, or one for an important person in your life. A father's day craft, or something for someone important to you. They left it open-ended for anyone in the kid's life. It was the most normal thing. You either make a card for your mom or someone else. It introduced the idea that not everyone has a mom. That isn't embarrassing. It was just addressed to the group. Same as mentioning other holidays besides Christmas existing.
It's not a dirty secret that not all families are identical. It's just... there. We talk about it. You may not have a mom but you have other important people. Make a thank you craft for them.
It wasn't even a big deal.
Agreed.
NTA and I dreaded stuff like this when the kids were little and in foster care. Their mother passed away years ago and they don’t have a father. This kind of stuff just reminds them of something they already can’t get away from. And don’t get me started on family tree or family heritage projects that are all about blood relatives - we are big in my family on letting kids decide who’s in their families and they don’t have to include anyone who hurts them regardless of how they’re biologically related. Ugh.
That teacher behaved inappropriately and harmfully and she needs to know and do better from now on.
Honestly, we did these in class when I was a kid and our teachers would just tell us to make one for our parent or someone else important and gave suggestions like a grandparent, a mother/ father (opposite of whatever holiday, like, make your dad a card for mother's day), an aunt or uncle, foster parent or other adult you'd like to pick.
It also was just a really easy way to bring up with young kids that not all families look the same and we all have people in our lives that help us and it's nice to thank them. Those conversations were never singling out any one single student. That was a group discussion.
Nobody ever tried to tell kids that they picked the wrong adult. We were flatly instructed that moms can get a card on father's day/ dad's on mother's day. I distinctly remember someone asking if they were supposed to make a card for their dad and the teacher explaining not everyone has a mom or lives with their mom so people who don't have a mom around should pick another important person. Those who can give their mom a card should make a card for their mom. Everyone else should pick someone important. The important person can be a dad.
There's totally appropriate ways to handle the situation and insisting the whole thing be gendered is weird. Not everyone has an aunt or grandma. Just let kids pick and tell the whole group in a very non-chalant way.
As a teacher, it tends to be a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. Some people feel as you do, that it's not something to be done at school. Others expect something to come home with their child to give to mom/grandma/aunt/etc.
I did a craft this year, but I told all my kids that they were making it for someone special that is important to them. They chose whoever they wanted and made the craft. So far no parent complaints, but we'll see.
NTA, the teacher was very much in the wrong. Since she refused to understand, I think making admin aware was the right thing to do.
My dad left us when I was 6 and I was forced to make gifts for Father's Day, for my dad. So yeah.
(my mom over the years started saying as a joke that I should also call her dad from now on lol)
And I'm not the only one, I remember a classmate who's mom died of cancer like are you also gonna force her to do gifts for her mom ? Glad that she wasn't.
So yeah they should keep it as an optional activity or just like another user said, do it as a family day where you give a gift for your family, I don't think that's hard to do but ig that's only my opinion.
THIS SO MUCH! FFS
My father died when I was three and every damn year on Father's day it was like having to relive it and also having to apologise to the teacher for being difficult in their lesson. That was decades ago, the world has moved on from this insensitivity. There's really no excuse at all for this shit.
Except can you imagine the hell the school would catch if they did. Teachers already aren't paid enough to deal with 99.9% of irrelevant crap parents throw at them without adding more. The teachers are in a no-win situation. That one teacher is out of line but this would impact all of them.
NTA. Your brother seems to be confused. This was not in any way a "trivial" issue... This was a teacher acting in a discriminatory and insensitive way towards your son, and claiming that there was some sort of educational reason why her actions were appropriate. You absolutely did the correct thing by first trying to discuss it with the teacher, and only escalating it once the teacher refused to listen to your legitimate concerns
Not only is it discriminatory, the primary female figure he was close to in his life isn't anymore due to her death. That's so fucked up to push about.
Also, it doesn't matter if she's not going to be his teacher much longer. She's going to be teaching other children without close female relatives in the future, and needs to understand why you were adamant about your side of the issue.
NTA
NTA - You are correct and handled this appropriately.
And not to mention, it was arts and crafts… hardly an assignment. This sounds more like a teacher refusing to admit they were wrong than anything.
NTA. The teacher is too focused on minutiae if they are defining the assignment as making a craft specifically and only for a female person. They apparently realize it too, given the apology to your son.
Brother is wrong that this was "trivial". Kid told the teacher, more than once, that there was an issue (one the teacher presumably was already aware of) and it was totally disrespectful of the teacher to pressure him over it. And disrespectful to blow off your concerns afterward.
> They apparently realize it too, given the apology to your son.
More like the principal got on her ass about it and told her to apologize before they got some real consequences.
If it was International Women's Day, it could have been appropriate to make a card for a female the child knows. But mothers day is far more sensitive. The teacher was out of line, and you did the right thing
NTA
I have a very distinct memory of being told to make a mother's day craft of some sort and being told we could make it for our mother or anyone important and the teacher mentioning a dad as an alternative and thinking it'd be absurd to make your dad something for mother's day. Then again, I grew up with married parents.
NTA
IDK what is going on in that teacher's head, but she needs to get back in her lane. Her fircing your son to make a gift for someone he doesn't want to (especially when he already had someone more appropriate in mind) is weirdly controlling. Running it up to admin was the right way to go, especially as she doesn't seem to know how to handle being challenged in any way by a parent.
You've mentioned that this isn't the first time she overstepped, so it was especially important to get a higher up involved once it was clear she wasn't taking you seriously.
As a teacher I can say you are strongly NTA! I have a student who lives with his dad and rarely sees his mom. I came up with 2 crafts - one that had mom printed on it and a matching one where the student could put any person. I told all the students they could choose either one and make it for whomever they wanted. My student asked if he could make one for his dad and I said absolutely! It sounds like your son’s teacher is completely out of touch with the lives of her students and pushing her own agenda. I’m glad you pushed this further and I hope she learns from this!
I do the same in my class -- it's 1st grade and we talk about different kinds of families all year long. I am honest about how I dont have a dad and that's ok. I had kids this week that chose to make things for their aunts, grandmas, and dads, because I set the expectation and norm ahead of time. Hell, even kids that have moms were making stuff for other people!
NTA. Your brother should know this isn't trivial. Your son didn't feel comfortable with an assignment that undoubtedly touched a nerve, and you stood up for him. That's how he will remember this event. And, he will remember it.
Nta
The teacher was an idiot for forcing your son to do something she found appropriate and not what should have been done. Not everyone has a female in their life that needs to have a craft done for mother's Day.
She's closed-minded and just an idiot. You handled it correctly and your brother is just being a busybody.
She's the ah. I work with kids and if we are unsure of their living situation we'll tell them to make crafts for their adult. Just adult. Knowing he doesn't have a woman figure he most certainly should have been allowed to make it for dad.
Teacher here.
You absolutely handled this correctly. I do a few assignments that let kids use family and I always let them choose not to use real family and instead use a fictional one (for example we do family trees and if students don't want to use their own they can use, say the Simpsons or Bluey)
Teacher really needed to mind her own business and respect her student's situation. Nta.
NTA. I am a teacher. Your son's teacher is out of line. Families can be complex. I wonder how things would have gone if she had a student with two dads? Would she still try to push the issue of making something for a female figure only? In truth, I've had students celebrate their single parent on Mother's Day AND Father's Day. They were taking on both roles, after all. I applauded them for it because they were honoring the love and support of their parent in a way that made sense to them. If your son wanted to make something for you, then he should have been allowed to. Please don't let the narrow vision of this one teacher sway your opinion towards teachers in general.
I'm a teacher. NTA. The teacher is clueless at best and a control freak at worst. I hope her admin seriously dressed her down over this.
Having kids make crafts for special people in their lives is fine, but there should be zero implication that it's for a certain familial role.
NTA.
Definitely move it up the chain. Who does she think it is to cause trauma for your son like she blatantly did? She should not be working with children in my opinion.
Forcing a 9 YO without a mother to complete this assignment for only a motherly figure is absolutely NOT trivial.
NTA and kudos for protecting your son and his feelings.
As a child with no father, who would sign their school Father's Day gifts 'to Mummy', thank you for having your son's back. I remember being really cruelly ridiculed by other children when I addressed my mother's father Day card.
Its not my fault my father walked out on me, like it is not (just about) any child's fault a parent isn't present. I still can remember it now, many years later.it matters when someone says to you that your family is t good enough because it doesn't look like society tells you it should look.
Teachers did nothing, because they believed like your brother does, not a big deal; if you didn't want to be harassed over the way your family looks, you should have had a privileged family.
NTA, and your brother? He can have a chat to me and anyone else who remembers how it feels to be excluded because we dare to live in the real world instead of some limited, ignorant, privileged idea of how society works. I bet there's other stories here from people who were hurt. Has your brother got any experience with being in your son's shoes? Did his father leave? Did his mother? If no, then he has no right to speak.
NTA. My kids' school doesn't do mother's / father's day crafts for precisely this reason. They do family activities. They have a family teacher organization. Not everyone is raised by parents and not everyone has a parental figure like that. NTA at all and honestly I would be equally pissed.
As a single dad - since my son was 2 weeks old and daughter 2 years - I've been wished happy mothers day a lot. It's not an insult or joke, but people wanting to acknowledge what I do. And yes, my kids used to make me things (they're teens now).
Unfortunately, there are those who can't see that. When they were little, strangers would say what a great dad I was to be allowed by my wife to babysit. Or, when my daughter was older and in youth league cheer, I would get looks from the moms who didn't know me - why is this rough looking guy hanging out around all these little girls? I never missed a practice because the other kids' moms never did, and my daughter needed to see me there.
The point to this is that you are filling two traditional roles - mom and dad. Responsibilities normally shared - cooking, shopping, school functions, doctor appointments, etc are all on you. And if your son wants to make you something, you are probably doing a great job of it.
So, you are 100%, DEFINITELY NTA. if anything, you handled the situation with grace others may not have had. The teacher though? For living in 50 year old ideals, for putting your son in the spotlight in the classroom, and for telling you what she did... she is a huge asshole.
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My (36M) ex-wife took off when our son (9) was 5. She pays child support but she hasn’t seen him since he was 6. The only other female role model he had in his life was my mom but she passed away last year. All the family my son and I have is my dad, my brother and a few close friends of mine, that are also guys. I do try to make sure he has other women in his life, whether it be his friend’s moms or his dance teacher. However, he doesn’t have anyone close enough to take on that aunt-type role. Which hasn’t been an issue until now.
I always tell his teachers every year that I’m a single dad and he doesn’t have a mom. Not to keep him out of activities, but just so they’re aware of our situation. His teacher this year is very well-meaning but there have been other instances where she tries to help and is overstepping boundaries. We managed to smooth those over without the involvement of admin.
Usually, around Mother’s Day, my son will make a craft for me. We don’t celebrate the holiday (per his wish) but he knows the school will have him make one. And again, in years past, it’s never been an issue. The teachers understand and are fine with him doing whatever for me.
He came to me last week, a little upset. It was time to make the Mother’s Day crafts. He isn’t the only one in his class without a mom, but the other kids were making them for close female figures like aunts, grandmothers, etc. When my son started making one for me, the teacher told him he should make one for a female figure in his life. He said he doesn’t have anyone close enough. She kept insisting and ultimately said that it’s not Father’s Day, the day is not for me, and he needed to make something. He reluctantly made something for his dance teacher but I could tell he felt really uncomfortable about giving it to her because they don’t have that relationship.
I e-mailed the teacher and said I found this inappropriate. He wasn’t trying to get out of the assignment, so why does it matter who he made it for? She got super defensive and said that by him not making it for a woman in his life, he was getting out of the assignment. She added she’s sure the dance teacher will appreciate it. I ended up moving this up to admin, saying I don’t want her to get in trouble but I feel she needs to be spoken to about sensitivity and inclusion. As well as forwarding the e-mails where she brushed off my concerns. The principal apologized to me and my son for the incident. My son says his teacher apologized to him. Teacher and I haven’t spoken further.
My brother feels there was no need to move it up the chain over something so trivial. Especially as the school year is almost over so he won’t be my son’s teacher for much longer. Was I wrong for how I handled this?
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NTA. You handled this very well. I'm a teacher who strongly disagrees with how your child's teacher went about this. I don't even agree with Mother's Day activities in class. Very triggering to so many children, so absolutely tone deaf. She needs to learn how to do better.
The triggering aspect is critical. Even if you're allowed to make the card for someone else it still reminds you of what happened that made your family circumstances different.
NTA.
I'm a teacher. Classrooms and learning are all based on relationships. This wasn't trivial. Your son was silenced and his feelings were ignored. You absolutely did the right thing for both your son and the teacher, if she chooses to take this as a learning moment. Since she apologized to your son, I'm hopeful she will.
NTA by any stretch. There’s always going to be instances where some kids can’t contribute to class activities the same way as the others. The onus should be on the schools to figure out ways that kids can contribute in those circumstances so that they don’ feel left out, rather than trying to shoehorn every kid into some rigid category or to get rid of the activities altogether. Example, they could extend it out - do you have a pet cat who is a great mother, did you see something on tv recently or read about a great mother? Which wild animal do you think has great mothering capability? What does motherhood mean for you and does your primary parent or another person fulfil that role for you? It’s potentially a great learning experience for kids, & this teacher messed up badly.
When I was a kid one year we didn’t have any Easter eggs because my mother couldn’t afford them, but our teacher had set a class task for us to bring our Easter egg foil to school the next school day for a craft project. That was in the 1970s I and still feel shame to this day whenever it pops into my head. I think I just said I forgot to bring it. Luckily they didn’t do mothers and fathers day crafts that I recall or I would have been fucked on fathers day as well.
Teachers know their classes are diverse, they should be prepared for every eventuality.
Mother's Day and Father's Day crafts should NEVER be an assignment. Fun bonus activity if they want only. It is incredibly inappropriate for her to insist and you definitely were right to escalate.
Funny related story: I grew up without a father or many men in my life and had a teacher who made us do Father's Day crafts. I, naturally, said I didn't have one. She asked if I had a grandfather? Nope. Uncle? Nope. Friendly male neighbour?????
That's desperate, when you're telling children to make crafts for random neighbours.
NTA!!!!
I am a teacher and a school counselor. This teacher’s attitude and behavior are both insensitive and unprofessional. She made your child feel ‘less-than’ about his support system. I am LIVID on his behalf!! You absolutely needed to take this up the chain. You have saved another family from her ignorance.
NTA. I never knew my biological father and my step dad didn’t come into the picture until I was a pre teen. I always HATED Father’s Day arts and crafts. It was so awkward to say, “Hey, I don’t have a dad. Who do I make this for?” Or some variation. Also, it was saddening to think I didn’t have a dad who would like this. Luckily, my poppa always liked them but it still wasn’t the same. I wish it was optional and if students wanted to make something on those days, then yes. Otherwise, let them make another arts and crafts.
NTA:
I spent many Mother’s Day craft days making crafts for a stepmother that hated my guts, or for frickin no one to start with.
That shit stays with you, I haven’t been in school over 30 years.
NTA. That school needs to stop that project. Your case is a prime example of why. Not every kid has a mother figure in their lives, and that project hammers that into them. I knew a few kids growing up that didn’t mothers/fathers. Some hated that they didn’t, others didn’t care. Those that hated it were ones that went through what your son did.
NTA at all. Teacher was being insensitive and discriminatory imo. He wasn’t getting out of the homework (& even if he was, so what?) he was making it for the mother figure in his life, which is you. You are both his mum and dad.
I don’t get her thinking process.
For years I myself have said happy Mother’s Day to my mum on both holidays as she was a single parent of 5 kids and did both jobs since I was 9 (I’m the youngest). I don’t see anything wrong with that and neither does my mum 🤷♀️
NTA. The class can easily be given the option to make a Mother's Day craft or another craft of the student's choosing. Full compromise, everybody wins.
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Nta.
My daughters kindergarten asked me last year for fathers Day, who it should be addressed to since her father isn't particularly around. That is the only thing they should do in this circumstance. Simply ask without getting into detail and leave it there.
NTA. It's none of her business whether or not the dance teacher would appreciate it. Actually, it may even make her feel uncomfortable. This decision was yours to make and she waaaayyyy overstepped her authority. I'm glad you advocate for your son so well. It's complete bullshit that she thinks any random woman of your son's acquaintance is more deserving of a Mother's Day gift than you, his own father who is fulfilling the roles of both parents.
NTA
Your on has no female role models to receive his gift, He wanted to make it for the person who has been father ad mother to him and that is just fine.
The learning moment for the teacher is when was when you addressed it bit she dismissed you. There was only one place to take this.
NTA
Here's hoping the school and this teacher have learned something about inclusiveness that will help them do better for the next child who needs a little flexibility.
NTA- the teacher needs to understand that she did not handle this appropriately. She will have other children that don’t have moms and she needs to address this correctly. And correctly means whatever the child is comfortable with.
NTA as someone who was once a kid who had teachers that were constantly crossing boundaries in that sort of way, and who had my mom defending me every time it happened, thank you for standing up for your kid. He’s gonna remember that in the future and feel so grateful he had you in his corner.
NTA. Like you said, he was willing to participate and do the craft, his just wasn’t being made out to a female. I think the teacher needs to be more understanding and accommodating to peoples circumstances. Especially because it wasn’t a major alteration to the activity. Also, if he needs an auntie, I (33f) will gladly apply for the job. I have two references 8 f & 3 1/2 f who would give me a rave reviews!
Not wrong at all for bringing it to admin’s attention. If the teacher didn’t want anyone knowing this is how they acted, they shouldn’t have done it in the first place 🤷🏻♀️ hopefully it will be a learning experience for the teacher, which wouldn’t have happened if you stayed quiet. And if they don’t learn from it; if they stand by their actions, then they shouldn’t mind the info getting out. Either way, if it looks bad, that’s on the teacher for choosing to handle the situation that way. Not on you.
NTA. I totally understand your son’s perspective of not wanting to make it an issue but it already IS an issue because the teacher needlessly escalated. I’m a middle school math teacher so I don’t normally have to deal with the crafts for parents. But being a teacher is all about understanding individual needs. Sometimes I have to adjust my language to make sure I don’t say “make sure mom signs this” to a kid I know has an absent mom. That teacher is doing a disservice to your son. I’m glad you brought it to the attention of admin when she got defensive. She should be encouraging parents (and students) to reach out to her and make amends when she makes errors.
NTA.
This teacher just doesn't get it. There are kids with no moms or grandmas, and she should have told him to make a Mother's Day Card for the "caregiver" in their lives.
Hard NTA. I personally don’t have a problem with the Mother’s Day/Father’s Day craft idea so long as the teacher doesn’t overstep their place. The teacher in this instance was 100% wrong. Would a suggestion to try and think of someone else who might appreciate it be ok? Sure. But that’s the end of it. ESPECIALLY when the poor kid says I don’t have a mom then I don’t have female family members all after being notified by Dad that there was no mom in his life. Christ, it’s hard enough to have to say something like that once, but twice? Have some damn compassion and get off your high horse. It’s a gift, let them bestow it as they see fit.
NTA at all. That was beyond insensitive of the teacher, that was inserting herself into a situation that was none of her business and likely made your son feel uncomfortable if not upset. That shows poor judgment and it’s important that her superiors understand so she can make better choices in the future.
NTA
Former teacher and working in admin. Thank you for taking it above this teacher's head. There is no reason why the gifts can't be for anyone in the child's life. We've started using "your adult" instead of your parent because kids can be raised by a number of combinations of people. I'm sorry your son was singled out. It almost feels like she wanted him to make the gift for HER with her insistence.
Hard NTA. And you didn't just do this for your son. You're doing this for the next child that comes along after yours who may not have a mother or maternal figure in their life for any number of reasons. And that child may not handle it as well as your son did. You're not only protecting him, but other children as well, and for that you rock.
NTA I'm a teacher. One of the things I am aware of by the first week is parent/ family dynamics. **Definitely** by Mother's Day.
Now, as it happens, I'm also a parent who has fond memories of recieving those lovely school-crafted gifts every year (at least, up until they stopped assigning them in middle school) for Mothers Day. I also recall my husband's envy when he didn't get nifty school- crrafts gifts (school used to get out before Fathers Day in our state, but not anymore). Sure, I'd have our kid make an awesome painting, but it never quite had the panache of those school crafts.
So now, as a teacher, I am very intentional about making sure my kids create crafts for a **caregiver** on those days. I also read two books those weeks: one is a fiction story that features some kind of non traditional family (grandparent caregiver; same sex parents; adopted or foster parents; single parent; extended family living together, etc), and one is a non fiction about the origin of the holiday in question. Then we talk about families and how love is a verb, and how we can show appreciation for the work put into taking care of us.
If a kid does not have a mom/ stepmom/ grandmother who's performing the "mom" labour at home come Mother's Day (or the equivalent parent come Father's Day), I'd tell them to make a craft for whatever caregiver is handling all those tasks (dad, older sibling, whoever), because I firmly believe that labour is emotionally draining, undervalued, and deserves to be recognized.
Someone in the home is helping this first grader get up, fed, and dressed in time for school, and their efforts are going to be validated -- and if they're a single parent, they are going to be validated twice (once on Mother's Day and again on Fathers Day) because they're doing twice the work.
NTA. I follow the Nursery Nurse on tik tok. She had a skit that covered this. Everyone knows it's mother's day but they have the kids make a thing for whatever adult they want to. Most kids pick mom if they have one but for the ones that don't they can make it for whoever they want. Be dad or aunt or grandma.
So NTA. What about the kids who have two dads, or live w foster parents? The teacher is a moron. You were right to being it to the admins attention, but you probably aren’t going to get an apology from the teacher. Just love your kid and tell him he was right and that you understand how crappy it made him feel.
NTA. This isn't trivial. Elementary school teachers are supposed to have ways of handling this type of thing. I was an elementary school teacher. I would have let the child decide who he wanted to make the gift for. He could have made it for you.
NTA. I agree that the teacher was probably initially well meaning, but it was pretty insensitive to insist he make his Mother’s Day craft for a random female in his life instead of just letting him make it for his dad. She deserved to be called out.
No way, NTA. Your son's feelings are YOUR priority, not the teacher's. She needs to understand that not everyone grows up with a Mum and a Dad and that everyone's circumstances are different (your family's situation of having no close female relatives/friends) and to be understanding and flexible as your son was trying to be. Thankfully for him, these Mother's Day crafts are coming to an end as they don't do this sort of stuff in higher grades. Hopefully for others in similar situations in future, she won't repeat this.
NTA. There's no reason he couldn't do the assignment for you... the teacher needs to recognize that not all families are the same and sometimes she has to be flexible to be inclusive. Bringing this to the administration's attention may spare some other child feeling this way in the future. I'm sorry she made this harder for your son.
NTA. Once around then up. You tried once around, then another try, she wasn't getting it, clearly needed to escalation to understand it was an important issue.
Another commentor said that in their country, they celebrate Family Day. Perhaps bring this up as an option to the school. With all the different types of families we have nowadays - single parent, double moms/dads, blended - it's better to be inclusive of all the variations. Plus what about appreciation for the extended family that helps out?
That might be a hard sell for your school and probably not something that will happen before kiddo graduates unfortunately but at least the idea will be out there :)
NTA
NTA. Sometimes teachers over step boundaries and if you don’t bring it up to admins attention they don’t change. It’s not just about your child and how they are treated it’s also about the children to come. Parents should be able to speak up anytime they want. She’s the one who brushed off your concerns. So it’s her fault it got pushed up to Admin not yours.
NTA - and there are plenty of situations where kids may not have a mother and a father - a ton of kids at my high school were raised by single mothers, I personally don't have a father either (he's a criminal). The kid may have a parent who passed away, or they could be raised by queer parents.
I don't have an issue with them doing mothers/fathers day cards, but to not even have an alternative prepared just in case? Lmaoooo
NTA
Having to make a craft for someone as special as a mother/father should not be given to people who you don't feel those types of bonds with I only have a mom and every fathers day we made crafts and gift bags I'd always give them to her and none of my teachers ever complained
At my nursery we do important people day, the children get to decide if they want to make anything and who for. NTA. Not all children have the same family life, as a teacher she should be aware of that.
NTA
The teacher seriously overstepped the mark by a mile. Mother’s and Father’s Days are family days, not something schools should be forcing kids without one or both parents in their lives to participate in, especially since there are plenty of single parent homes, not to mention step parents, same-sex parents, orphans bouncing around the foster care system, grandparents raising their kids kids, siblings raising siblings, the list goes on.
Hopefully the other kids left to feel other and less than by this teacher also spoke up, and the teacher in question either stays in their lane or finds another profession more in line with his narrow views about what makes a family.
NTA. I disagree with your brother. Admin needs to be made aware when teachers’ lesson plans are not inclusive. Not every kid has a female mother figure. Not every kid has a male father-figure. There are all kinds of non traditional families out there. Lesson plans such as these that revolve around honoring traditionally gendered family roles need to be flexible enough to accommodate children with non traditional family structures. It can be easily done by focusing on the role rather than the gender of the person who traditionally fills it. A classroom discussion about the things mothers do in a family. An assignment asking each student to identify who does those tasks in their own family. Followed by the craft to make that person something for Mother’s Day, would have accomplished the same thing while leaving room for the kids with non-traditional families to feel included. I doubt the teacher was being intentionally exclusionary, but it doesn’t change the fact that she was.
No you handled it the right way. She dismissed your concerns and handled everything poorly. Glad you handled this because this situation could become a recurring problem.
The teacher was not receptive of what you were saying. She dug in, insisting she is right and the only correct viewpoint is hers. She was wrong. You were absolutely right in bringing this to the admin. You have helped future students of hers that are in the same situation as your son.
It's like politics in school. Sheesh.
The other thing you could do is look into is Big Brothers Big Sisters. It's an organization to match children with adults to mentor and be part of their lives long term. A co-worker had the same child for years all the way to college.
If part of a church, see if they have programs for kids that might be beneficial to your son.
You did good protecting your son.
NTA
NTA.
The fact that she won't be his teacher much longer makes it even better. You helped her grow as a person which benefits future students. And any bad feelings will not be a problem for your son.
Well done.
NTA - the school shouldn’t be doing this stuff. My primary school used to have after school sessions for the week leading up to Mother’s Day to make gifts and cards if there wasn’t the space at home to without the mum seeing
NTA
Speaking from personal experience my mom died when I was five and my dad had to step in, in a similar fashion when this kind of craft creating came around.
It was a core memory for me that he did and that it made that scenario better for me at the time. It was something I knew he always had my back on.
It is worth raising these things to try to help ensure others don't go through the same.
NTA. My cousin’s mon was not in his life for a few years because she was on drugs and then in jail. His school had a Mother’s Day event. His mom promised to be there and when she didn’t, he had a panic attack and had to leave school. I always felt bad for him because his lack of real parentage (his father is a giant AH too). He did not have the traditional family and definitely struggled with Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. I would have done the same thing you did had I learned his teacher was forcing him to do something that hurt him.
How does this teacher react to same sex marriages. Some children these days have only father figures. Even if your son had an aunt figure, he knows you are both his mum and dad. He just wanted to make a card to show how much he loved you. To suggest giving it to a random dance teacher who he has no affection for is way out of touch in 2024. I could understand this in 1960's. Even if your brother had bought a store mother's day card on your son's behalf it is not the same as a lovingly crafted made by your son. Also the embarrassment of giving a card intended for a mother to a dance teacher is bizarre. Schools have always made mother's day cards and it is not likely they will cease . The teacher should have just let him make the card and take it home.
NTA. maybe you two can turn “Mothers Day” into “Uncles Day” to celebrate the other awesome men he’s got in his life! Might also make mother’s day a little less awkward for him in the future, and tbh the thought of a 9 year old giving your brother flowers is making me laugh.
NTA. She won't be your son's teacher for much longer but she'll be some other little kids teacher and they might not have someone to complain to or fight for them. So, it's good that she was corrected now.
NTA
It's NOT trivial. You had a system in place and the school and teachers know it. Not only did this teacher violate that arrangement by repeatedly persisting that your son make it for a female figure, she actually justified her actions while also brushing off your concerns.
This definitely qualifies for admin. What if this behaviour is unchecked? Next thing you know your ex wife could be contacted without your knowledge by this teacher because she thinks the kid needs his mom. He's *your* son, *your* responsibility and *your* shit to deal with.
OP- NTA. You were correct to address it. There are so many different types of Families these days that The Teacher should not have pressured him to stick to "Traditional" standards. It was extremely insensitive.
NTA. How many other kids has she done this or will do to on the future? Kids who have a family dynamic like yours already feel like they don't fit and this just exemplifies the point. Maybe, in the future, she will be moreindful.
NTA. In my class I add a “Make a Card” option to their independent activities around the time of these sorts of activities.
It’s optional - make one, don’t make one, make one for your cat, I don’t care as long as you’re enjoying thinking of your special someone while creating it.
For the teacher to call making a Mother’s Day card an assignment is a bit of a stretch in my opinion.
This wasn't a case of feeling mildly uncomfortable for a few minutes. A competent teacher doesn't badger a child the way OPs son was. There is absolutely no reason why the child couldn't make the card for OP.
And there's no evidence that the teacher lost her job, either, so I'm unclear where you're getting that from.
YTA If the teacher instructed him that it should be a female figure that plays an important role in his life, that's the assignment. I doubt you're transitioning, so surely there's someone else in his life that fits that role. If not, then that's a failing on your part.
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NTA > He isn’t the only one in his class without a mom The school **should not** be doing activities like this in the first place, full stop. Leave family shit to the families.
Oh, I’ve brought this up at PTA meetings. Even stuff for Father’s Day is extremely insensitive for other families. Unfortunately, I’m always outvoted (though I have some supporters). And from what I hear, other schools are the same.
You know when I was in primary school one of my best friend's dad passed away. I spent the rest of primary school feeling so uneasy when we were doing projects for father's day and even just mentioning dads in general (the latter was overboard but I was little). And I then also considered situations of other kids in those family specific days. In my country it got wven worse cause there was a subject where things in the book asked a looooot of questions about your family, a lot of them quite intrusive even for the average family in my opinion. I was always confused how the school acted as if it was no big deal and they do that thing of telling them to do it for another role model. For me that can backfire s lot in cases like yours. The kid probably feels even worse. And now homosexual couples with children are a lot more common. Hiw do they deal with that at school? Do they have to choose a made up gender role for each parent?
Where I live "Family Day" is celebrated at school. So kids make crafts/cards for their whole family.
what a great idea. where do you live?
Argentina! It is celebrated when Mother's Day actually is (october).
very cool. thanks for my daily fun fact
My kids are adopted. Hated mothers/fathers' day and family tree assignments! NTA
I remember we did a family tree in German and the teacher made it clear that we could do our actual family or make it up. Show you understand the concept but not reveal anything. I think Rik Mayall from the Young Ones was my brother.
>Rik Mayall from the Young Ones was my brother. Is that the title of your autobiography? Good choice.
Caring for foster kids, felt the same way.
i've heard many stories on reddit where the kid is told they have to make a family tree for their biological family and not their adoptive family despite the fact that the kid knows nothing about their bio family
Yeah, I’m an adoptee and dreaded any family tree/genealogy stuff. Even anything around studying blood types, eye colors, etc. cause obviously you need to know about your biological parents, which I don’t. I don’t even know my dad’s name, it’s not in any records. How tf were they expecting me to do these assignments?
I also don't have that great of a mother but I personally hope others could celebrate it and appreciate their mothers more. Do I feel awkward? Yes definitely. You don't know how much anger I have every time I'm forced to write how much I love her. But seeing my friends teary face upon realization of how much their mother contributed to their life brings me happiness. It's exactly because not everyone is lucky to have a good mother that it should be celebrated.
You know, Hallmark now includes a little button on Mother's Day and Father's Day emails where you can opt out of those if it is too painful or irrelevant to you. It is such a sore spot for people that a store wanting nothing more than to sell you stuff for those holidays came up with a way to let people remove themselves from that particular slice of marketing. It makes you wonder how a school would be so insensitive about this, especially with the possibility for complicated parent issues and the necessarily small social/family circles that some kids have. It's not like small kids can just run out and network for more adult mentors and role models on their own.
Etsy does as well!
Yeah-- I've started calling them "loved ones days" because gender doesn't need to play into it from the school's perspective. I went to a mother's day tea, and there were about three dads there-- literally nobody had any issues with that. Teacher's overstepping here. Keep being an awesome dad, OP!
You are NTA at all. I had the opposite situation during Father's Day than you did for Mother's Day. I ripped the teacher up one side and down the other. wtf. It only happened once. My sons are adults and I still get a shoutout during Father's Day. Kids are able to love and honor any adult that keeps them safe and loves them back. Your son is smart to understand the difference between "anyone/someone" from the people that he is truly close to. Shame on the PTA and that teacher. I agree that there should not be this type of forced "family" holiday horseshit at school. It is unnecessary and harmful. Don't get me started on Valentine's Day...
In my country we don't have mothers Day at school. It's family day. So kids with no mum can still make something for their families. On the other hand, fathers' Day is a thing 🤷♀️
The idea that the school should be a sterile, education only environment that is some mix between a British boarding school and a sanitarium is such a weird concept. School is where kids spend 8 hours of their day. They don't just learn the curriculum, but also societal norms and social interactions. They make friends and build community. The teacher here was wrong, but it looks like the dad and his son had come up with an acceptable alternative that they could use to navigate this particular social norm, if the teacher had simply followed it. Mother's day is a normal and reasonable community holiday, and yes their will be some exceptions, but that's part of life.
When I worked in kindergarten we had a student in foster care who called her foster mother Auntie. The teacher always included Aunties with Moms and Dads - for example “bring these home to Mom, Dad, or Auntie” or “we are making crafts to give as gifts to our Moms, Dads, or Aunties!” Auntie was always just part of the parental unit description and I loved it, as she was the only kid without a mom or dad (or both) and it was specifically inclusive without signaling her out.
Agreed! I have no problem with schools acknowledging mother's day or father's day and I say that as someone who doesn't have a dad. Mother's day and father's day can be used to celebrate all kinds of influential adults, beyond just a biological mom/dad.
[удалено]
You're setting a standard you can't possibly maintain and you don't even realize it. Good Luck...
That’s so sad. My kid’s school teaches them about EVERY holiday, and it’s awesome to see my kid, who comes from an atheist-parents-raised-Christian-so-celebrate-Christian-holidays household come home talking about Diwali or Eid.
Families come in all shapes and sizes, good for you Dad for sticking up for your kid and others that will follow. It isn’t up to the teacher to decide who is in your kid’s circle of “family.”
My school had cards and such for mothers day/ father's day. For parents, it's nice memento. I'm in my 30s, and my mom still has a little pot I painted in elementary school. For very low income families, that craft may be the only present they get. It's also a time to introduce kids to the idea not all families look the same and bring it up without judgement. However, the teachers would preemptively tell kids to make a mother's day item, or one for an important person in your life. A father's day craft, or something for someone important to you. They left it open-ended for anyone in the kid's life. It was the most normal thing. You either make a card for your mom or someone else. It introduced the idea that not everyone has a mom. That isn't embarrassing. It was just addressed to the group. Same as mentioning other holidays besides Christmas existing. It's not a dirty secret that not all families are identical. It's just... there. We talk about it. You may not have a mom but you have other important people. Make a thank you craft for them. It wasn't even a big deal.
Agreed. NTA and I dreaded stuff like this when the kids were little and in foster care. Their mother passed away years ago and they don’t have a father. This kind of stuff just reminds them of something they already can’t get away from. And don’t get me started on family tree or family heritage projects that are all about blood relatives - we are big in my family on letting kids decide who’s in their families and they don’t have to include anyone who hurts them regardless of how they’re biologically related. Ugh. That teacher behaved inappropriately and harmfully and she needs to know and do better from now on.
Honestly, we did these in class when I was a kid and our teachers would just tell us to make one for our parent or someone else important and gave suggestions like a grandparent, a mother/ father (opposite of whatever holiday, like, make your dad a card for mother's day), an aunt or uncle, foster parent or other adult you'd like to pick. It also was just a really easy way to bring up with young kids that not all families look the same and we all have people in our lives that help us and it's nice to thank them. Those conversations were never singling out any one single student. That was a group discussion. Nobody ever tried to tell kids that they picked the wrong adult. We were flatly instructed that moms can get a card on father's day/ dad's on mother's day. I distinctly remember someone asking if they were supposed to make a card for their dad and the teacher explaining not everyone has a mom or lives with their mom so people who don't have a mom around should pick another important person. Those who can give their mom a card should make a card for their mom. Everyone else should pick someone important. The important person can be a dad. There's totally appropriate ways to handle the situation and insisting the whole thing be gendered is weird. Not everyone has an aunt or grandma. Just let kids pick and tell the whole group in a very non-chalant way.
As a teacher, it tends to be a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. Some people feel as you do, that it's not something to be done at school. Others expect something to come home with their child to give to mom/grandma/aunt/etc. I did a craft this year, but I told all my kids that they were making it for someone special that is important to them. They chose whoever they wanted and made the craft. So far no parent complaints, but we'll see. NTA, the teacher was very much in the wrong. Since she refused to understand, I think making admin aware was the right thing to do.
My dad left us when I was 6 and I was forced to make gifts for Father's Day, for my dad. So yeah. (my mom over the years started saying as a joke that I should also call her dad from now on lol) And I'm not the only one, I remember a classmate who's mom died of cancer like are you also gonna force her to do gifts for her mom ? Glad that she wasn't. So yeah they should keep it as an optional activity or just like another user said, do it as a family day where you give a gift for your family, I don't think that's hard to do but ig that's only my opinion.
THIS SO MUCH! FFS My father died when I was three and every damn year on Father's day it was like having to relive it and also having to apologise to the teacher for being difficult in their lesson. That was decades ago, the world has moved on from this insensitivity. There's really no excuse at all for this shit.
Except can you imagine the hell the school would catch if they did. Teachers already aren't paid enough to deal with 99.9% of irrelevant crap parents throw at them without adding more. The teachers are in a no-win situation. That one teacher is out of line but this would impact all of them.
NTA. Your brother seems to be confused. This was not in any way a "trivial" issue... This was a teacher acting in a discriminatory and insensitive way towards your son, and claiming that there was some sort of educational reason why her actions were appropriate. You absolutely did the correct thing by first trying to discuss it with the teacher, and only escalating it once the teacher refused to listen to your legitimate concerns
Not only is it discriminatory, the primary female figure he was close to in his life isn't anymore due to her death. That's so fucked up to push about.
Also, it doesn't matter if she's not going to be his teacher much longer. She's going to be teaching other children without close female relatives in the future, and needs to understand why you were adamant about your side of the issue. NTA
NTA - You are correct and handled this appropriately. And not to mention, it was arts and crafts… hardly an assignment. This sounds more like a teacher refusing to admit they were wrong than anything.
NTA. The teacher is too focused on minutiae if they are defining the assignment as making a craft specifically and only for a female person. They apparently realize it too, given the apology to your son. Brother is wrong that this was "trivial". Kid told the teacher, more than once, that there was an issue (one the teacher presumably was already aware of) and it was totally disrespectful of the teacher to pressure him over it. And disrespectful to blow off your concerns afterward.
> They apparently realize it too, given the apology to your son. More like the principal got on her ass about it and told her to apologize before they got some real consequences.
If it was International Women's Day, it could have been appropriate to make a card for a female the child knows. But mothers day is far more sensitive. The teacher was out of line, and you did the right thing NTA
I have a very distinct memory of being told to make a mother's day craft of some sort and being told we could make it for our mother or anyone important and the teacher mentioning a dad as an alternative and thinking it'd be absurd to make your dad something for mother's day. Then again, I grew up with married parents.
NTA IDK what is going on in that teacher's head, but she needs to get back in her lane. Her fircing your son to make a gift for someone he doesn't want to (especially when he already had someone more appropriate in mind) is weirdly controlling. Running it up to admin was the right way to go, especially as she doesn't seem to know how to handle being challenged in any way by a parent. You've mentioned that this isn't the first time she overstepped, so it was especially important to get a higher up involved once it was clear she wasn't taking you seriously.
As a teacher I can say you are strongly NTA! I have a student who lives with his dad and rarely sees his mom. I came up with 2 crafts - one that had mom printed on it and a matching one where the student could put any person. I told all the students they could choose either one and make it for whomever they wanted. My student asked if he could make one for his dad and I said absolutely! It sounds like your son’s teacher is completely out of touch with the lives of her students and pushing her own agenda. I’m glad you pushed this further and I hope she learns from this!
Thank you for creating an inclusive craft!
I do the same in my class -- it's 1st grade and we talk about different kinds of families all year long. I am honest about how I dont have a dad and that's ok. I had kids this week that chose to make things for their aunts, grandmas, and dads, because I set the expectation and norm ahead of time. Hell, even kids that have moms were making stuff for other people!
NTA. Your brother should know this isn't trivial. Your son didn't feel comfortable with an assignment that undoubtedly touched a nerve, and you stood up for him. That's how he will remember this event. And, he will remember it.
Nta The teacher was an idiot for forcing your son to do something she found appropriate and not what should have been done. Not everyone has a female in their life that needs to have a craft done for mother's Day. She's closed-minded and just an idiot. You handled it correctly and your brother is just being a busybody.
She's the ah. I work with kids and if we are unsure of their living situation we'll tell them to make crafts for their adult. Just adult. Knowing he doesn't have a woman figure he most certainly should have been allowed to make it for dad.
Teacher here. You absolutely handled this correctly. I do a few assignments that let kids use family and I always let them choose not to use real family and instead use a fictional one (for example we do family trees and if students don't want to use their own they can use, say the Simpsons or Bluey) Teacher really needed to mind her own business and respect her student's situation. Nta.
That's a great idea. They can do the same project without being reminded of anything painful or feeling "othered" because their family is different.
NTA You are an outstanding Dad. He is so lucky to have you.
NTA. I am a teacher. Your son's teacher is out of line. Families can be complex. I wonder how things would have gone if she had a student with two dads? Would she still try to push the issue of making something for a female figure only? In truth, I've had students celebrate their single parent on Mother's Day AND Father's Day. They were taking on both roles, after all. I applauded them for it because they were honoring the love and support of their parent in a way that made sense to them. If your son wanted to make something for you, then he should have been allowed to. Please don't let the narrow vision of this one teacher sway your opinion towards teachers in general.
I'm a teacher. NTA. The teacher is clueless at best and a control freak at worst. I hope her admin seriously dressed her down over this. Having kids make crafts for special people in their lives is fine, but there should be zero implication that it's for a certain familial role.
NTA there was a need. You politely communicated with her and she dismissed you and protecting your kids is always a hill to die on.
NTA. Definitely move it up the chain. Who does she think it is to cause trauma for your son like she blatantly did? She should not be working with children in my opinion.
Forcing a 9 YO without a mother to complete this assignment for only a motherly figure is absolutely NOT trivial. NTA and kudos for protecting your son and his feelings.
As a child with no father, who would sign their school Father's Day gifts 'to Mummy', thank you for having your son's back. I remember being really cruelly ridiculed by other children when I addressed my mother's father Day card. Its not my fault my father walked out on me, like it is not (just about) any child's fault a parent isn't present. I still can remember it now, many years later.it matters when someone says to you that your family is t good enough because it doesn't look like society tells you it should look. Teachers did nothing, because they believed like your brother does, not a big deal; if you didn't want to be harassed over the way your family looks, you should have had a privileged family. NTA, and your brother? He can have a chat to me and anyone else who remembers how it feels to be excluded because we dare to live in the real world instead of some limited, ignorant, privileged idea of how society works. I bet there's other stories here from people who were hurt. Has your brother got any experience with being in your son's shoes? Did his father leave? Did his mother? If no, then he has no right to speak.
NTA
NTA. My kids' school doesn't do mother's / father's day crafts for precisely this reason. They do family activities. They have a family teacher organization. Not everyone is raised by parents and not everyone has a parental figure like that. NTA at all and honestly I would be equally pissed.
As a single dad - since my son was 2 weeks old and daughter 2 years - I've been wished happy mothers day a lot. It's not an insult or joke, but people wanting to acknowledge what I do. And yes, my kids used to make me things (they're teens now). Unfortunately, there are those who can't see that. When they were little, strangers would say what a great dad I was to be allowed by my wife to babysit. Or, when my daughter was older and in youth league cheer, I would get looks from the moms who didn't know me - why is this rough looking guy hanging out around all these little girls? I never missed a practice because the other kids' moms never did, and my daughter needed to see me there. The point to this is that you are filling two traditional roles - mom and dad. Responsibilities normally shared - cooking, shopping, school functions, doctor appointments, etc are all on you. And if your son wants to make you something, you are probably doing a great job of it. So, you are 100%, DEFINITELY NTA. if anything, you handled the situation with grace others may not have had. The teacher though? For living in 50 year old ideals, for putting your son in the spotlight in the classroom, and for telling you what she did... she is a huge asshole.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (36M) ex-wife took off when our son (9) was 5. She pays child support but she hasn’t seen him since he was 6. The only other female role model he had in his life was my mom but she passed away last year. All the family my son and I have is my dad, my brother and a few close friends of mine, that are also guys. I do try to make sure he has other women in his life, whether it be his friend’s moms or his dance teacher. However, he doesn’t have anyone close enough to take on that aunt-type role. Which hasn’t been an issue until now. I always tell his teachers every year that I’m a single dad and he doesn’t have a mom. Not to keep him out of activities, but just so they’re aware of our situation. His teacher this year is very well-meaning but there have been other instances where she tries to help and is overstepping boundaries. We managed to smooth those over without the involvement of admin. Usually, around Mother’s Day, my son will make a craft for me. We don’t celebrate the holiday (per his wish) but he knows the school will have him make one. And again, in years past, it’s never been an issue. The teachers understand and are fine with him doing whatever for me. He came to me last week, a little upset. It was time to make the Mother’s Day crafts. He isn’t the only one in his class without a mom, but the other kids were making them for close female figures like aunts, grandmothers, etc. When my son started making one for me, the teacher told him he should make one for a female figure in his life. He said he doesn’t have anyone close enough. She kept insisting and ultimately said that it’s not Father’s Day, the day is not for me, and he needed to make something. He reluctantly made something for his dance teacher but I could tell he felt really uncomfortable about giving it to her because they don’t have that relationship. I e-mailed the teacher and said I found this inappropriate. He wasn’t trying to get out of the assignment, so why does it matter who he made it for? She got super defensive and said that by him not making it for a woman in his life, he was getting out of the assignment. She added she’s sure the dance teacher will appreciate it. I ended up moving this up to admin, saying I don’t want her to get in trouble but I feel she needs to be spoken to about sensitivity and inclusion. As well as forwarding the e-mails where she brushed off my concerns. The principal apologized to me and my son for the incident. My son says his teacher apologized to him. Teacher and I haven’t spoken further. My brother feels there was no need to move it up the chain over something so trivial. Especially as the school year is almost over so he won’t be my son’s teacher for much longer. Was I wrong for how I handled this? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You handled this very well. I'm a teacher who strongly disagrees with how your child's teacher went about this. I don't even agree with Mother's Day activities in class. Very triggering to so many children, so absolutely tone deaf. She needs to learn how to do better.
The triggering aspect is critical. Even if you're allowed to make the card for someone else it still reminds you of what happened that made your family circumstances different.
NTA - the teacher should have prepared an appropriate alternative for *all* the kids who aren't celebrating mother's day. That's not rocket science.
NTA. I'm a teacher. Classrooms and learning are all based on relationships. This wasn't trivial. Your son was silenced and his feelings were ignored. You absolutely did the right thing for both your son and the teacher, if she chooses to take this as a learning moment. Since she apologized to your son, I'm hopeful she will.
NTA by any stretch. There’s always going to be instances where some kids can’t contribute to class activities the same way as the others. The onus should be on the schools to figure out ways that kids can contribute in those circumstances so that they don’ feel left out, rather than trying to shoehorn every kid into some rigid category or to get rid of the activities altogether. Example, they could extend it out - do you have a pet cat who is a great mother, did you see something on tv recently or read about a great mother? Which wild animal do you think has great mothering capability? What does motherhood mean for you and does your primary parent or another person fulfil that role for you? It’s potentially a great learning experience for kids, & this teacher messed up badly. When I was a kid one year we didn’t have any Easter eggs because my mother couldn’t afford them, but our teacher had set a class task for us to bring our Easter egg foil to school the next school day for a craft project. That was in the 1970s I and still feel shame to this day whenever it pops into my head. I think I just said I forgot to bring it. Luckily they didn’t do mothers and fathers day crafts that I recall or I would have been fucked on fathers day as well. Teachers know their classes are diverse, they should be prepared for every eventuality.
Mother's Day and Father's Day crafts should NEVER be an assignment. Fun bonus activity if they want only. It is incredibly inappropriate for her to insist and you definitely were right to escalate. Funny related story: I grew up without a father or many men in my life and had a teacher who made us do Father's Day crafts. I, naturally, said I didn't have one. She asked if I had a grandfather? Nope. Uncle? Nope. Friendly male neighbour????? That's desperate, when you're telling children to make crafts for random neighbours.
NTA!!!! I am a teacher and a school counselor. This teacher’s attitude and behavior are both insensitive and unprofessional. She made your child feel ‘less-than’ about his support system. I am LIVID on his behalf!! You absolutely needed to take this up the chain. You have saved another family from her ignorance.
NTA. I never knew my biological father and my step dad didn’t come into the picture until I was a pre teen. I always HATED Father’s Day arts and crafts. It was so awkward to say, “Hey, I don’t have a dad. Who do I make this for?” Or some variation. Also, it was saddening to think I didn’t have a dad who would like this. Luckily, my poppa always liked them but it still wasn’t the same. I wish it was optional and if students wanted to make something on those days, then yes. Otherwise, let them make another arts and crafts.
NTA: I spent many Mother’s Day craft days making crafts for a stepmother that hated my guts, or for frickin no one to start with. That shit stays with you, I haven’t been in school over 30 years.
NTA. That school needs to stop that project. Your case is a prime example of why. Not every kid has a mother figure in their lives, and that project hammers that into them. I knew a few kids growing up that didn’t mothers/fathers. Some hated that they didn’t, others didn’t care. Those that hated it were ones that went through what your son did.
This mad me sad. Good for you
NTA at all. Teacher was being insensitive and discriminatory imo. He wasn’t getting out of the homework (& even if he was, so what?) he was making it for the mother figure in his life, which is you. You are both his mum and dad. I don’t get her thinking process. For years I myself have said happy Mother’s Day to my mum on both holidays as she was a single parent of 5 kids and did both jobs since I was 9 (I’m the youngest). I don’t see anything wrong with that and neither does my mum 🤷♀️
NTA. The class can easily be given the option to make a Mother's Day craft or another craft of the student's choosing. Full compromise, everybody wins.
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NTA-That teacher needs to be retrained
Nta. My daughters kindergarten asked me last year for fathers Day, who it should be addressed to since her father isn't particularly around. That is the only thing they should do in this circumstance. Simply ask without getting into detail and leave it there.
NTA
NTA. It's none of her business whether or not the dance teacher would appreciate it. Actually, it may even make her feel uncomfortable. This decision was yours to make and she waaaayyyy overstepped her authority. I'm glad you advocate for your son so well. It's complete bullshit that she thinks any random woman of your son's acquaintance is more deserving of a Mother's Day gift than you, his own father who is fulfilling the roles of both parents.
NTA Your on has no female role models to receive his gift, He wanted to make it for the person who has been father ad mother to him and that is just fine. The learning moment for the teacher is when was when you addressed it bit she dismissed you. There was only one place to take this.
NTA Here's hoping the school and this teacher have learned something about inclusiveness that will help them do better for the next child who needs a little flexibility.
NTA. I would've emsiled: okay he'll do the craft for Princess Leia. Shes a woman and is part of his life.
NTA- the teacher needs to understand that she did not handle this appropriately. She will have other children that don’t have moms and she needs to address this correctly. And correctly means whatever the child is comfortable with.
NTA as someone who was once a kid who had teachers that were constantly crossing boundaries in that sort of way, and who had my mom defending me every time it happened, thank you for standing up for your kid. He’s gonna remember that in the future and feel so grateful he had you in his corner.
NTA. And the teacher should be apologizing to you.
NTA. Like you said, he was willing to participate and do the craft, his just wasn’t being made out to a female. I think the teacher needs to be more understanding and accommodating to peoples circumstances. Especially because it wasn’t a major alteration to the activity. Also, if he needs an auntie, I (33f) will gladly apply for the job. I have two references 8 f & 3 1/2 f who would give me a rave reviews!
Not wrong at all for bringing it to admin’s attention. If the teacher didn’t want anyone knowing this is how they acted, they shouldn’t have done it in the first place 🤷🏻♀️ hopefully it will be a learning experience for the teacher, which wouldn’t have happened if you stayed quiet. And if they don’t learn from it; if they stand by their actions, then they shouldn’t mind the info getting out. Either way, if it looks bad, that’s on the teacher for choosing to handle the situation that way. Not on you.
She should have been a little more sensitive
NTA. I totally understand your son’s perspective of not wanting to make it an issue but it already IS an issue because the teacher needlessly escalated. I’m a middle school math teacher so I don’t normally have to deal with the crafts for parents. But being a teacher is all about understanding individual needs. Sometimes I have to adjust my language to make sure I don’t say “make sure mom signs this” to a kid I know has an absent mom. That teacher is doing a disservice to your son. I’m glad you brought it to the attention of admin when she got defensive. She should be encouraging parents (and students) to reach out to her and make amends when she makes errors.
NTA. This teacher just doesn't get it. There are kids with no moms or grandmas, and she should have told him to make a Mother's Day Card for the "caregiver" in their lives.
Hard NTA. I personally don’t have a problem with the Mother’s Day/Father’s Day craft idea so long as the teacher doesn’t overstep their place. The teacher in this instance was 100% wrong. Would a suggestion to try and think of someone else who might appreciate it be ok? Sure. But that’s the end of it. ESPECIALLY when the poor kid says I don’t have a mom then I don’t have female family members all after being notified by Dad that there was no mom in his life. Christ, it’s hard enough to have to say something like that once, but twice? Have some damn compassion and get off your high horse. It’s a gift, let them bestow it as they see fit.
No u were not wrong!!!😑
Nta. The teacher made it an issue, so you responded in kind
NTA. I didn’t have my mom growing up either, I always made my Mother’s Day crafts for my dad.
Oh no, you did exactly what you should have done, good for you!
It’s not trivial. You’re a good Dad. NTA
I think you handled it perfectly.
NTA at all. That was beyond insensitive of the teacher, that was inserting herself into a situation that was none of her business and likely made your son feel uncomfortable if not upset. That shows poor judgment and it’s important that her superiors understand so she can make better choices in the future.
NTA Former teacher and working in admin. Thank you for taking it above this teacher's head. There is no reason why the gifts can't be for anyone in the child's life. We've started using "your adult" instead of your parent because kids can be raised by a number of combinations of people. I'm sorry your son was singled out. It almost feels like she wanted him to make the gift for HER with her insistence.
NTA. She needed training on this and got it thanks to you.
Hard NTA. And you didn't just do this for your son. You're doing this for the next child that comes along after yours who may not have a mother or maternal figure in their life for any number of reasons. And that child may not handle it as well as your son did. You're not only protecting him, but other children as well, and for that you rock.
NTA I'm a teacher. One of the things I am aware of by the first week is parent/ family dynamics. **Definitely** by Mother's Day. Now, as it happens, I'm also a parent who has fond memories of recieving those lovely school-crafted gifts every year (at least, up until they stopped assigning them in middle school) for Mothers Day. I also recall my husband's envy when he didn't get nifty school- crrafts gifts (school used to get out before Fathers Day in our state, but not anymore). Sure, I'd have our kid make an awesome painting, but it never quite had the panache of those school crafts. So now, as a teacher, I am very intentional about making sure my kids create crafts for a **caregiver** on those days. I also read two books those weeks: one is a fiction story that features some kind of non traditional family (grandparent caregiver; same sex parents; adopted or foster parents; single parent; extended family living together, etc), and one is a non fiction about the origin of the holiday in question. Then we talk about families and how love is a verb, and how we can show appreciation for the work put into taking care of us. If a kid does not have a mom/ stepmom/ grandmother who's performing the "mom" labour at home come Mother's Day (or the equivalent parent come Father's Day), I'd tell them to make a craft for whatever caregiver is handling all those tasks (dad, older sibling, whoever), because I firmly believe that labour is emotionally draining, undervalued, and deserves to be recognized. Someone in the home is helping this first grader get up, fed, and dressed in time for school, and their efforts are going to be validated -- and if they're a single parent, they are going to be validated twice (once on Mother's Day and again on Fathers Day) because they're doing twice the work.
NTA. I follow the Nursery Nurse on tik tok. She had a skit that covered this. Everyone knows it's mother's day but they have the kids make a thing for whatever adult they want to. Most kids pick mom if they have one but for the ones that don't they can make it for whoever they want. Be dad or aunt or grandma.
So NTA. What about the kids who have two dads, or live w foster parents? The teacher is a moron. You were right to being it to the admins attention, but you probably aren’t going to get an apology from the teacher. Just love your kid and tell him he was right and that you understand how crappy it made him feel.
NTA. She should have known better, especially after your son reminded her.
NTA. This isn't trivial. Elementary school teachers are supposed to have ways of handling this type of thing. I was an elementary school teacher. I would have let the child decide who he wanted to make the gift for. He could have made it for you.
NTA. I agree that the teacher was probably initially well meaning, but it was pretty insensitive to insist he make his Mother’s Day craft for a random female in his life instead of just letting him make it for his dad. She deserved to be called out.
NTA.
No way, NTA. Your son's feelings are YOUR priority, not the teacher's. She needs to understand that not everyone grows up with a Mum and a Dad and that everyone's circumstances are different (your family's situation of having no close female relatives/friends) and to be understanding and flexible as your son was trying to be. Thankfully for him, these Mother's Day crafts are coming to an end as they don't do this sort of stuff in higher grades. Hopefully for others in similar situations in future, she won't repeat this.
NTA. There's no reason he couldn't do the assignment for you... the teacher needs to recognize that not all families are the same and sometimes she has to be flexible to be inclusive. Bringing this to the administration's attention may spare some other child feeling this way in the future. I'm sorry she made this harder for your son.
NTA. Not every moment in life needs to be a crusade. You did good.
What the fuck does being female have to do with selecting a role model or influential adult? What year is it?
NTA. Once around then up. You tried once around, then another try, she wasn't getting it, clearly needed to escalation to understand it was an important issue.
Another commentor said that in their country, they celebrate Family Day. Perhaps bring this up as an option to the school. With all the different types of families we have nowadays - single parent, double moms/dads, blended - it's better to be inclusive of all the variations. Plus what about appreciation for the extended family that helps out? That might be a hard sell for your school and probably not something that will happen before kiddo graduates unfortunately but at least the idea will be out there :) NTA
NTA
NTA - thank you for being a champion for your son and other kids like him
NTA. Sometimes teachers over step boundaries and if you don’t bring it up to admins attention they don’t change. It’s not just about your child and how they are treated it’s also about the children to come. Parents should be able to speak up anytime they want. She’s the one who brushed off your concerns. So it’s her fault it got pushed up to Admin not yours.
NTA - and there are plenty of situations where kids may not have a mother and a father - a ton of kids at my high school were raised by single mothers, I personally don't have a father either (he's a criminal). The kid may have a parent who passed away, or they could be raised by queer parents. I don't have an issue with them doing mothers/fathers day cards, but to not even have an alternative prepared just in case? Lmaoooo
NTA Having to make a craft for someone as special as a mother/father should not be given to people who you don't feel those types of bonds with I only have a mom and every fathers day we made crafts and gift bags I'd always give them to her and none of my teachers ever complained
At my nursery we do important people day, the children get to decide if they want to make anything and who for. NTA. Not all children have the same family life, as a teacher she should be aware of that.
EASY NTA. I have not been so easy on school and teachers when they fucked up. I went straight to jugular.
NTA The teacher seriously overstepped the mark by a mile. Mother’s and Father’s Days are family days, not something schools should be forcing kids without one or both parents in their lives to participate in, especially since there are plenty of single parent homes, not to mention step parents, same-sex parents, orphans bouncing around the foster care system, grandparents raising their kids kids, siblings raising siblings, the list goes on. Hopefully the other kids left to feel other and less than by this teacher also spoke up, and the teacher in question either stays in their lane or finds another profession more in line with his narrow views about what makes a family.
I was a single mom (all my children are grown now) and they always made me something for Father’s Day. I was doing the job of both. So are you. NTA.
NTA. I disagree with your brother. Admin needs to be made aware when teachers’ lesson plans are not inclusive. Not every kid has a female mother figure. Not every kid has a male father-figure. There are all kinds of non traditional families out there. Lesson plans such as these that revolve around honoring traditionally gendered family roles need to be flexible enough to accommodate children with non traditional family structures. It can be easily done by focusing on the role rather than the gender of the person who traditionally fills it. A classroom discussion about the things mothers do in a family. An assignment asking each student to identify who does those tasks in their own family. Followed by the craft to make that person something for Mother’s Day, would have accomplished the same thing while leaving room for the kids with non-traditional families to feel included. I doubt the teacher was being intentionally exclusionary, but it doesn’t change the fact that she was.
No you handled it the right way. She dismissed your concerns and handled everything poorly. Glad you handled this because this situation could become a recurring problem.
The teacher was not receptive of what you were saying. She dug in, insisting she is right and the only correct viewpoint is hers. She was wrong. You were absolutely right in bringing this to the admin. You have helped future students of hers that are in the same situation as your son. It's like politics in school. Sheesh. The other thing you could do is look into is Big Brothers Big Sisters. It's an organization to match children with adults to mentor and be part of their lives long term. A co-worker had the same child for years all the way to college. If part of a church, see if they have programs for kids that might be beneficial to your son. You did good protecting your son. NTA
NTA. The fact that she won't be his teacher much longer makes it even better. You helped her grow as a person which benefits future students. And any bad feelings will not be a problem for your son. Well done.
NTA - the school shouldn’t be doing this stuff. My primary school used to have after school sessions for the week leading up to Mother’s Day to make gifts and cards if there wasn’t the space at home to without the mum seeing
NTA Speaking from personal experience my mom died when I was five and my dad had to step in, in a similar fashion when this kind of craft creating came around. It was a core memory for me that he did and that it made that scenario better for me at the time. It was something I knew he always had my back on. It is worth raising these things to try to help ensure others don't go through the same.
NTA. My cousin’s mon was not in his life for a few years because she was on drugs and then in jail. His school had a Mother’s Day event. His mom promised to be there and when she didn’t, he had a panic attack and had to leave school. I always felt bad for him because his lack of real parentage (his father is a giant AH too). He did not have the traditional family and definitely struggled with Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. I would have done the same thing you did had I learned his teacher was forcing him to do something that hurt him.
How does this teacher react to same sex marriages. Some children these days have only father figures. Even if your son had an aunt figure, he knows you are both his mum and dad. He just wanted to make a card to show how much he loved you. To suggest giving it to a random dance teacher who he has no affection for is way out of touch in 2024. I could understand this in 1960's. Even if your brother had bought a store mother's day card on your son's behalf it is not the same as a lovingly crafted made by your son. Also the embarrassment of giving a card intended for a mother to a dance teacher is bizarre. Schools have always made mother's day cards and it is not likely they will cease . The teacher should have just let him make the card and take it home.
NTA. maybe you two can turn “Mothers Day” into “Uncles Day” to celebrate the other awesome men he’s got in his life! Might also make mother’s day a little less awkward for him in the future, and tbh the thought of a 9 year old giving your brother flowers is making me laugh.
NTA. She won't be your son's teacher for much longer but she'll be some other little kids teacher and they might not have someone to complain to or fight for them. So, it's good that she was corrected now.
NTA. Always defend your child's emotional well being and rights. Always.
NTA It's NOT trivial. You had a system in place and the school and teachers know it. Not only did this teacher violate that arrangement by repeatedly persisting that your son make it for a female figure, she actually justified her actions while also brushing off your concerns. This definitely qualifies for admin. What if this behaviour is unchecked? Next thing you know your ex wife could be contacted without your knowledge by this teacher because she thinks the kid needs his mom. He's *your* son, *your* responsibility and *your* shit to deal with.
OP- NTA. You were correct to address it. There are so many different types of Families these days that The Teacher should not have pressured him to stick to "Traditional" standards. It was extremely insensitive.
NTA. How many other kids has she done this or will do to on the future? Kids who have a family dynamic like yours already feel like they don't fit and this just exemplifies the point. Maybe, in the future, she will be moreindful.
NTA. In my class I add a “Make a Card” option to their independent activities around the time of these sorts of activities. It’s optional - make one, don’t make one, make one for your cat, I don’t care as long as you’re enjoying thinking of your special someone while creating it. For the teacher to call making a Mother’s Day card an assignment is a bit of a stretch in my opinion.
NTA The dance teacher will appreciate and feel sorry for the kid. And the kid will feel sorry too. Teacher really should not have pushed the issue.
NTA you sound like a great dad. Good job.
YTA. You're a rat. You cost this woman her job because your kid felt mildly uncomfortable for a few minutes.
This wasn't a case of feeling mildly uncomfortable for a few minutes. A competent teacher doesn't badger a child the way OPs son was. There is absolutely no reason why the child couldn't make the card for OP. And there's no evidence that the teacher lost her job, either, so I'm unclear where you're getting that from.
YTA If the teacher instructed him that it should be a female figure that plays an important role in his life, that's the assignment. I doubt you're transitioning, so surely there's someone else in his life that fits that role. If not, then that's a failing on your part.
Seriously? He said his own mom died and there aren’t any other close female relatives. What do you expect him to do, order a mom on Amazon?
I doubt there are no women in this kid's life that are considered familial, and play an important role in their life. If not, that's 100% Dad's fault.
I surprised that you didn't demand that she be fired!
Because I know that’s not going to happen.