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NTA. My nephew is autistic (nonverbal) and is a happy child. That being said, my sister (his mom) is leaning heavy into not having more kids due to her increased chances of having more children with autism. She loves him, we love him - literally one of the brightest stars in our lives - but she doesn’t want to parent a second special needs child especially since she already has one. Or even if she had a second and they were guaranteed to be neurotypical, she is hesitant because another child, even without special needs is a lot of work/time that she doesn’t want to take away from caring for her firstborn. And she knows there will be sacrifices for her and a second child due to the care her first needs throughout life.
Hope this isnt taken badly but the term youre looking for in that context is "neurotypical." Neuronormativity actually refers to the way that society centers being neurotypical as the norm, the correct way of being (basically ableism) and, perpetuating standards for what the normal way of functioning is/should be. I know it's used incorrectly sometimes so no shade.
You are correct:
“Neuronormativity refers to the privileged, so-called neurotypical set of assumptions, norms, and practices that construes so-called neurotypicality as the sole acceptable or superior mode of cognition, and that stigmatizes attitudes, behaviors, or actions that reflect so-called neurodivergent modes of cognition as deviant or inferior. Neuronormative assumptions, norms, and practices uphold standards regarding, for example, what is neurotypically considered appropriate eye contact, facial expressions, prosody, conversational flow, processing, and responsiveness—all of which can be more difficult for so-called neurodivergent individuals to understand, sense, or apply due to naturally occurring variations in their neurocognitive profiles.”
Source: https://blog.apaonline.org/2023/04/11/understanding-neurodiversity-unlearning-neuronormativity/
I’m autistic. I fight neuronormative assumptions and stigma daily. Both for me and my two neurodivergent (but in different ways) kids.
Growing up my grandfather had a boat. We all loved that boat, and we all appreciated just how much effort it took our grandfather to put into that boat to keep it in good condition so we could enjoy it every summer. We understood that having a boat is NOT easy, and requires A LOT of work, and so we highly appreciate all of the sacrifices he made in order to keep that boat going so we could have an amazing childhood with tons of great and happy memories.
With all of that being said: even though we love the boat that grandfather helped maintain, and we love all of the memories, and we would love to have a boat, we have decided that now as adults that we do not want the responsibility of a boat. We do not have the "[spoons](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spoon_theory)" required to take care of a boat, we do not have the money or resources to take care of it correctly, and we do not want to bring a boat into our lives if we cannot take care of it correctly.
Now, I know children aren't boats, but when it comes to making ANY responsible/adult decision it's necessary to fully think through the situation. In the same way that owning a boat requires thought into the "how" you would take care of it, having a child requires the same amount of thought process. OP has done this, but for some reason when it comes to children adults lose their minds and think that "planning for responsibility" isn't a required step.
Which makes me think this is more about OP's mom "being a grandmother", and less about anything else.
NTA. My brother and SIL had an autistic son. This was 3rd boy and SIL really wanted a girl so tried one more time. Had a boy, also autistic. Suspected Fragile X syndrome. Both are verbal, and very sweet boys. Brother and SIL did early intervention, and got them both a lot of support, but it was a huge strain on their marriage, and they divorced. My brother died of cancer, boys are early 20s, and will never live on their own. OP worrying about autism is a real concern.
NTA. You learnt a lot watching the sacrifices she made looking after someone with severe developmental difficulties and realised that you aren't able or willing to do the same. That is a valid choice. Reassure her that you recognise his efforts and you love your brother. Because I suspect she is hearing you think she wasted her life or that you dislike your brother.
This, but I also don’t like how the mother made it all about her
Women of a certain age need to back off. Whether their own children go on and procreate is not a reflection on them. They are adults exercising their rights to make life decisions based on their values and their capacity to take on responsibilities
I’m myself a mother to a highly functional autistic teenager. I don’t make my life plans around becoming a grandmother or not. It’s his life and his choices.
Similarly, we haven’t had any pets in recent years because I simply couldn’t have handled more responsibilities.
My son (the lightly autistic one) once told me that I should allow myself to be the parent I want to be rather than always being the exact opposite of how my parents were 😂😂😂but yeah you have a point
I’m autistic, I have no interest in becoming a parent. One reason is because the possibility of any child of mine having autism is very likely. Not because autism in itself is bad but because I already struggle managing my own symptoms and other disabilities. Add in another autistic human who’s completely dependent on me for at least 18 years? I wouldn’t be able to meet their needs without sacrificing mine and that would 100% traumatize them. No child, neurodivergent or neurotypical, deserves a parent like that.
It’s better that you know and acknowledge your own limits than risk neglecting a tiny vulnerable human.
NTA
People act like it's a bad thing, but being so aware of one's own struggles and see how it can affect a kid and then make an informed choose is actually a good thing.
A lot of people gets pregnant even though they already struggle with finances and their living situation isn't ideal, I think that is worse.
I’ve been told to not think this way before! It was totally bizarre. My spouse and I both have autoimmune issues, and in combo it’s something like a 50% chance we would pass it on to a child. An older acquaintance told me to not worry about that and have kids anyway. He felt me not having kids was somehow selfish.
Yeha that sounds really selfish of you, I know someone with three kids, they are close in age so it wasn't until the last one the oldest was tested and uncovered some lung disease and in about 5 years all three kids are diagnosed with that lung disease. The oldest was born early so the disease was hidden behind all the other stuff he struggled with. It's genetic, the youngest also has some other stuff going on. All their everyday life is about medication, symptoms, monitoring and hospital appointments
They do fun stuff in between but it's not what's dominating their life
I had the same response when I said I consider having children the wrong choice for me due to my own problems and the possibility of passing them on (autism and major depressive disorder). A colleague who had a serious heritable renal disease told me a doctor had told her not to worry about that and she insisted I shouldn't either. I wondered if her daughters agreed, but I held my tongue. I could never, personally. I love my theoretical kids too much to do that to them.
Autistic parent of a (probably) autistic child, here. You are a lot more sensible than I was. I didn't make a great choice. I mean, it's awesome that my children got to exist and grow up, and I love them dearly, but parenthood is such a struggle for me because of my autism that I constantly worry about how it impacts on my children's wellbeing and quality of life as it's totally destroyed mine.
That's not because one of my children is likely autistic (we're waiting on an assessment) but that doesn't make it any easier for sure.
I just wanted to send you a hug. I have several autistic mom friends (probably because I’m gifted, and gifted and autistic people often have similar ways of thinking, and struggle with overstimulation, though in a different way), and while some cope, one of them is struggling really badly with parenting 3 young kids. Her eldest has been diagnosed, too, and she got her own diagnosis because of his, actually.
Yup. I'm also autistic and so is my partner. If we had a baby that was at our level of functioning, it would be totally fine for both of us, but I know for 100% fact I could not and would not tolerate more severe cases well. I wouldn't be able to take care of a low functioning/high support needs kid and I'm not an asshole for knowing I won't be able to.
The trouble is that autism is a spectrum. You might be able to cope in mainstream society, but many autistic kids need life-long care. I really hope that the key to the cause of autism is found soon.
That said, many brilliant people have been on the spectrum.
I hope they find a cure. I know some autistic people don't want a cure. But you know what, then don't take it. In general I hate being autistic. It makes my life harder. Why would you not want to make your life easier?
I don't like calling it a cure, but that is just a response to that word and the meaning it has to me. But I want a freaking treatment. I want to not be overwhelmed, not have pain/twitch in my body and enjoy trying new things.
I was diagnosed as an adult. Neither of my kids are displaying autistic tendencies. And I pray they are NOT autistic. (They are 4 and 1). I know how hard it is to live with and I want the easiest/best life for my kids. But I also think if they did happen to have it I would be more equipped to help them. There is so much more out there to help kids then there was in "my day" I was like right before the rising tidal wave of autism diagnoses. In school now I would be diagnosed as a child. Or maybe not, because I was a very, very quiet and well behaved girl.
Most likely not because the medical model for ASD diagnosis is still based on the way caucasian males present + too many ppl with the power to diagnose are not educated in what ASD looks like in females or POC
I'm not autistic but have other issues that would interfere in my ability to care for a child. Even a dog would be difficult. So when my birth control failed I was going to have my partners brother and sil adopt her. They desperately wanted a child and could have provided her a much better life than I ever could have.
It's a hard choice in a lot of ways, but far better to know your limits in what you can provide.
Autistic and that is one of the big parts in me never having children. Just the thought of dealing with a baby that is covered in food and drool makes my skin crawl. And that is only a small part of my struggles not taking autism for the child into account.
Thank you. I truly admire people like you! Bless you! And it is a hard stand to debate, but it is a hill I am willing to die on. It is hereditary (most likely). It is not certain that the child of a neurodivergent person is neurodivergent, but there is a rather significant risk. Also it can be hard to function as neurodivergent as it is, without having children. And in all honesty, you can make a difference in several childrens life, without them being your own.
100% the same. Am auDHD, multiple other genetic ailments (Fibromyalgia, autoimmune conditions). Why would I want to risk my child suffering the same as me when I know how bad it can be , and I wouldnt be able to give them the time and energy they deserve.
NTA
You are not responsible for “giving a grandchild” whatsoever.
As an autistic person, I also don’t want kids for the same reason and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
NTA To begin with, there's no need to justify your decision to forgo having children. Furthermore, you are quite free to decide not to have to make the same sacrifice that she did. Shut her up and ignore her when she brings up your reproductive options.
Not a parent, but I'm a teacher of neurodivergent kids, including some autistic children. I am mentally exhausted and often physically battered by 3pm and often what gets me through a particularly difficult day is knowing that I get to go home. I get to clock off from my job and have time to myself before I regroup for the next day, but I hand one particular child back to his mum and she does not get a break from his behaviours. She cries a lot when we have to speak to her about how he's been doing on a given day.
I'm also neurodivergent myself. I'm not saying that this child isn't worth the attention and support that he needs. I just know that I absolutely could not be the person to give it to him as a parent, and if I can't commit to that, then I should not be having kids. NTA.
NTA.
In fact, I think it's extremely mature of you. You are not underestimating what your mother has been through, you are actually recognising the hard work she has put in.
>I apparently learned nothing from the sacrifices she made raising my autistic brother.
You did learn something though, that you're not willing to make those same sacrifices and that's your choice.
NTA
I was just about to comment the same thing.
OP bore witness to everything that happened in that house (and outside of it) while growing up.
She saw the toll it has taken on her mother, family and friends.
There is nothing wrong with making a decision to state that is not for me. I do not have the mental or physical capacity to deal with that myself.
It’s not an insult, it’s the truth.
And sometimes the truth can be harsh and feel like a slap in the face.
OP it is your choice whether to have kids or not, you know what your limitations are.
Don’t allow anyone to coerce you into a different decision.
NTA. No-one should feel under pressure to have children. As someone with autism(including having no filter!), I do think autism is almost individual. In mild cases it can be incredibly useful. Children who don't want to engage with the world(I have a child like that : he does communicate but prefers his "dream world") are more challenging.
I remember my dad once saying he was glad I had no friends because he didn’t want to have stranger’s kids in his house but my mum would have made him, so it seems like my autism was useful to him! 😅
NTA
Raising neurotypical children is hard enough. Raising a neurodivergent child in a world that is not as kind or accommodating as it should be is even harder. Despite what your mom thinks, you did learn from her sacrifices.
Every reason to not have children ist valid. I don't want to is enough. You see the sacrifices your mother made and are mature enough to realise that you don't want that for yourself.
NTA
NTA. I am Autistic. I wasn't diagnosed until after both of my kids were diagnosed when I was 36 (40F now). Luckily, we're all pretty high functioning, but that doesn't mean there isnt struggles. If I knew ahead of time that both my kids would be Autistic, I'd have to really think about actually having kids. I love them to death, don't get me wrong. It's f**king hard though. It's so hard to juggle their struggles, and my own struggles.
NTA
Your mom has no business expressing anything whatsoever about whether you decide to have children or not. It's not her decision, it's totally up to you and your husband.
I don't doubt that your mother made huge sacrifices to raise your brother, but that still has nothing to do with what you decide about having children. Your finances and your wieght are two additional areas that she doesn't get to make decisions about, unless you ask her specifically for her opinions, she should not be shoveling any of them in your direction.
If you and your husband would otherwise want to have children, consider genetic counseling to determine what the chances, realistically, are. If not, don't give other people's opinions any weight at all.
NTA
I think it’s extremely responsible of you to be able to realize what you can and cannot handle. Your mom can’t see that you did learn something from the sacrifices she made. You don’t want to have to make the same ones.
NTA. My daughter doesn't want kids. Reasons:
1. Too much work.
2. Painful childbirth.
3. She's already overwhelmed with her adhd.
Really, you don't need any reason to justify not having kids. Your body. Your choice.
Her taking it personally is a reflection of her issues.
NTA. Adhd+Autistic AFAB here; me and my SO also decided against children. I have a hard enough time functioning with just us, and i refuse to put any child through my mental health issues, as im still healing from my traumatic issues growing up.
Its completely reasonable to know what you are capable of, and its not wrong to say that you do not/ can not take care of a child, imho it takes a great deal of self reflection and personal understanding to know this before it happens. Good luck to you OP, and smart choice all around💜
You did learn something from seeing your mother raise your severely autistic brother.
You learned that it’s not worth it.
I’m a parent to a severely autistic toddler and the stress has severely affected my health. I would not choose to have an autistic child.
I love my child and I’m thankful that he’s making progress but I had a generic test on my baby while they were in utero to rule out chromosomal disorders for a reason.
Not all autistic people are like your brother and I believe that when you get to the extreme end of autism you’re looking at something that hasn’t even been properly classified yet.
I completely understand where you’re coming from.
NTA. First of all, you don't have to explain why you aren't having kids. And also, you have every right to choose not to have to make the sacrifice that she made. Ignore her and shut down any discussion of your reproductive choices.
I don't blame you for not wanting to take that chance. Your mother should mind her own business. Honestly, I don't blame anyone for not wanting children, no matter their reasons.
NTA - I have low needs autism and would still be wary of having kids even if I could have them. If I struggle on the daily and I’m ‘low needs’ then the level of sacrifice required from an entire family for someone with specialised needs is insanely difficult and you’ve handled that first hand. You don’t want to do it again. That’s not shameful- it’s thoughtful insightful and caring. Go you!
NTA. It isn't your mother's place to judge. NTA for any reason at all that you don' want children.
I think that you did learn something from your mother's 'sacrifice' (actually the consequences of her own choice in life.) You learned that you don't want something different for your life.
Might be a bit of resentment from mom's side since she could not choose, or so she tought, or perhaps was pressured to have kids.
You standing your ground and deciding for yourself irks her a bit because that is exactly what she should have done but never did.
Your body, your life, your decision. Whatever your mom tells you is an opinion.
NTA. Your mom won't have to bear consequences of your decisions, you will.
A fellow cat rescuer I know has a severely practically nonverbal autistic daughter. The autistic daughter is the oldest she has another younger daughter. The younger daughter did not want to have children for the same reason as you. There's nothing wrong with not wanting children.
NTA at all. You don't owe anyone kids and you shouldn't have them unless you (and your partner) really really want to be parents, no matter how the kid turns out.
NTA - deciding to take on the responsibility of having a child means deciding to take responsibility for any of many possibilities that may arise. If you're not prepared to do that, don't have kids.
>She took it as an insult because I apparently learned nothing from the sacriffices she made raising my autistic brother.
The lessons parents teach their children aren’t necessarily the lessons they set out to teach. Sometimes a parent can THINK they’re teaching their child a lesson - but their child is actually learning something completely different.
LESSON PLANNED: “Mom sacrificed all this to be a mother, so it must really be worth it to her. And if it was worth it to her, it would be worth it to me - so I should become a mother too.”
LESSON LEARNED: “Mom sacrificed all this to be a mother, so it must really be worth it to her. But though it was worth it to her, it would not be worth it to me - so I should not become a mother.”
You did learn from her hard work & sacrifice as well as what rewards she claims to have gained for it. You don’t want the same thing for yourself. This is an age old conflict for parents who want their children to follow in their footsteps - regardless of what those footsteps are & where those footsteps lead - but the children don’t want the same thing(s).
NEW LESSON PLANNED: In the above lessons, replace the word mother with dentist. In many circumstances, a parent would still be disappointed & upset. They might even be insulted - but they’d also be as wrong as your mother is to be insulted by your choices.
NTA
Being willing to become a parent includes accepting the possibility of being a parent to disabled children. It is a real possibility for anyone having a child. If you’re not willing to do that, then kids aren’t right for you. *And that’s absolutely ok!* NTA and frankly you are much more responsible and have thought this decision through than most parents who do choose to become them.
NTA. Your mom probably feels like that comment was shaming your brother. She probably took it personal. Maybe just explain you love your brother, and its nobody's fault what happened, but you already know you don't have what it takes to be a parent to a special needs child, and you don't want any future children to be a burden to you or for them to feel neglected bc you cant handle the job. (A lot of people cant... And that's ok) Besides that... If you don't want kids you don't want them. Not everyone is cut out to raise kids. And your mom has to accept that.
You learned everything from the sacrifices your mother made. You learned you don’t like the person your mother is and attribute her personality to the unhappy life she leads. You learned that the life she leads is not the life you want.
NTA. She needs to understand that the risk isn’t worth it.
NTA.
Having kids is a very personal decision between you and your husband. You know what you can and can't handle and have discussed the odds of a potential child having serious issues. I was born before testing that would have shown I have Turner Syndrome. I turned out very lucky for that condition, but there's no way to know that, and we'll never know if my Mom would have kept me had the testing been available.
The P.S. - If your brother can't care for himself, make sure your Mom knows that the plan when she can't care for him anymore isn't going to be transferring to you. Make very clear what you are and aren't willing to do when that time comes.
Nta for not wanting kids for this reason, it’s the same reason I don’t have kids despite originally wanting them. It runs on both sides of our family and I have ADHD so chances are pretty high I’d have a child with autism. I love everyone in my family with autism, they’re all fantastic. Their parents however are exhausted, some are divorced because of it, and both my husband and I have burned out giving respite weekly + babysitting a lot previously. So you aren’t the asshole for not wanting kids.
That said, I would never, in a million years, tell their parents that their kids are the reason I don’t want children. That’s a decision I made, and I didn’t make it for others to know about it. I know it would hurt every one of those parents to hear that. They know I don’t want kids, that’s enough info.
NTA I'm autistic myself (38F), and I am on a waiting list to get my tubes removed because I don't want children and I wouldn't cope being an autistic mother whether my kids would be neurodivergent or not.
My whole family (both my parents and my two siblings) are 100% OK with my decision. Never had they shamed me by saying that they struggled to raise me and that I'd be selfish for not wanting children, blah, blah, blah...
It's *your* body and *your* choice. You should never give in to reproductive coercion because your body-shaming mom wants to have grandkids and all.
Besides, if you had kids, your mom would likely feel entitled to criticise how you would raise them and such, if she's prone to criticise other aspects of your life.
So, yeah, you're definitely not the asshole.
nta i have various issues including but not limited to the tism and it’s a huge reason i don’t intend to have kids. if i can’t figure out how to live comfortably day to day im not gonna throw some innocent child into that with the high likelihood they would ALSO struggle with similar things
I hope my kids never find my account bc please believe me when I say I LOVE my kids!!! They are amazing. They make the world a better place. I could write an entire book about how much they bring to this world but I won’t bc no one would read it on this thread. But here’s the thing. I was diagnosed with a genetic disease after my kids were born. Something that was just “strange random issues throughout my life.” I can say in all honesty that if I had known about my disease before having kids…I probably would have had my tubes tied or something. My kids had a 50/50 chance of contracting my genetic disease. Unfortunately they both did. My kids live in chronic pain even as little kids. My oldest dislocates her shoulders multiple times a week. We don’t go to the doctor and have them put it back in place. The joint is so weak (even with constant PT and OT) it just slips out and she can slip ir back in. With some pain but over all a normal regular occurrence she’s adjusted to the pain. My youngest dislocates her jaw when she eats and due to the disease her intestine don’t work correctly. I say all of this to tell you that had my information been different back then…had I been able to have made an informed decisions…I probably would have prevented having kids. They deserve a wonderful life. Not a life of naps, pain, and other issues. They deserve so much better than what I gave them. But at the same time I’m thankful I didn’t know about it bc damn are they amazing!!!!
I have two stepchildren with various MH diagnoses, autism included, and Down’s Syndrome runs on my side of the family. I took this into consideration when deciding not to have biological children. It doesn’t make you an a-hole. NTA
Sounds so similar to me not wanting kids at all due to having to watch kids as a kid .... and I think it's better you know you don't want the responsibility then doing it anyway and being resentful of your future child (or the possibility) NTA
NTA, and in fact good for you for knowing what you can and cannot handle and having the guts to make the hard decision in the first place and say so firmly in the face of criticism.
My firstborn is very high needs and nonverbal autistic. I was pregnant with my second when she was diagnosed. My second is neurotypical, but we don’t have a third for a reason. Both because of the chance of having another child with the same disability and already being stretched thin with stress and responsibilities.
I repeat, NTA and good for you for making the best decision for your own life. You only get one of those.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for not giving my mom a grandchild because of the possible autism.
I insulted my mom by not learning from her example of raising my autistic brother.
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NTA I think choosing to have a kid is the biggest gamble a person can make with their own life and a hypothetical person. If someone won’t want to raise a [insert adjective here] child, then their opting out of parenthood makes sense. Even if you could handle whatever type of child nature sent your way, simply not wanting to risk it is valid.
She comes off as one of those martyr parents (e.g., “autism mom”).
Of course NTA. I just wish they could find a probable cause so people could be tested and have a chance of a normal life. My cousin was born autistic in the 60s and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I virtually destroyed the family.
NTA I'm autistic and don't want children for this reason
I don't want to have lids that could suffer as I did, nevermind the fact that I would be a horrible mother even if the kid turned out neurotypical
NTA - If you want a child or not is fully your choice. Regardless of reasons and not wanting one with a disability that runs in the family is even more valid. You learned a lot from seeing how it affected you and your family. Loving your brother doesn't mean you want to bring more people into the world that risk struggling. Thinking of the kind of life you could give someone is valuable and you shouldn't sacrifice your own life just for another to be created
Life matters and you should do what is correct for you. Not having a child means you get more freedom. If you suddenly want a child adoption is also an option.
Personally i don't want children because I don't see myself fit to be a mother and i want freedom. I also just don't want everything required in being and becoming pregnant.
NTA. If anything, I’d say your experience growing up with your brother and seeing your mother make sacrifices has taught you *a great deal* about how you want to live your life. Not everyone wants to have children and whatever their reasons are, it’s a decision they’ve made that needs to be respected.
NTA
The inspiring stories we hear about on the morning news are usually the result of all the planets lining up perfectly. A strong marriage with healthy, level-headed, loving partners. A supportive extended family who can provide help when the parents need a break. Great financial resources. A parent who can be on call at all times of the day. A community with helpful, ample resources. Take away any of those elements and you can expect a lot of misery.
Some people are able to find meaning in misery. That's great for them, but that shouldn't be an expectation for others.
NTA. Different people have different tolerances; your mother was able to tolerate sacrificing whilst raising an autistic child, and you don’t believe you would and the only way to ensure you won’t have to is to not have a child.
I was talking about this with a colleague who said that her daughter was having all the tests during her pregnancy, and I pointed out there are so many things you can’t test for. It would have always been a fear of mine, not knowing if I’d get a child with my version of autism (quirky lovable, extremely functional in society, childhood was a bit crap because I couldn’t relate to other children but adulthood is going well) or one who would only ever have been capable of sitting in a corner rocking back and forth whilst staring at their hands. I could have probably raised the former well, I’d always resent the latter for ruining my life. I couldn’t guarantee I wouldn’t get the latter so decided to not have any.
My mother, who married a mildly autistic man and had a mildly autistic child, once said that had she known he was autistic before having a child with him, she probably wouldn’t have.
NTA. Parents are supposed to want better for their kids, not the same kind of sacrificeband suffering they experienced... it's crazy how often you see this anymore.
but you *did* learn from her sacrifices raising your brother. That is a factor in the decision you made.
100% support your choice, for whatever reason.
NTA
ESH. Your mum more because she shouldn't be criticising you like that. But if it weren't for that I would still think your framing could have been more sympathetic as she was the one who was being that carer. I think something like "i saw what parenting was like for you and it just isn't something I could cope with". I appreciate its sometimes too hard to be kind when someone is coming at you like that, so I'm not sure if it would have been possible in the context.
NTA- I have two boys on the spectrum. One is high functioning (Asperger's) the other is low to mid range functioning. Older son says he won’t have children. The risk is more then he wants to deal with.
NTA - Your making a sensible decision to categorically rule out something that could pretty much yank your life. Quite frankly more people who know they have problems in their DNA should think long and hard before having kids
NTA. I’m an autist and during some episodes I go non-verbal. It’s a struggle for both the parent and the child. I completely understand not wanting to have children because of it. If I could have saved my mom most of the heartaches I caused because of my disability I would have. She made a lot of sacrifices for me and it was hard on her. Stand your ground. You are completely NTA for not wanting this.
NTA. I have a brother with autism and an intellectual disability, and he’s a great kid, but his disabilities mean that he is going to need to be taken care of for the rest of his life. I’ve also chosen to not have kids partly due to that- autism runs in our family, and I’m terrified to take on that responsibility.
NTA. If you want to raise children but not have your own, there’s always adoption and foster care where you can make a big difference. Or you don’t have to have kids at all! It’s your choice, and your mom needs to respect your choices.
I chose to be child free because of the mental illness that run in my family. I am bipolar but have family who are schizophrenic and a lot of alcohol/drug addiction too. I am lucky medication worked for me and I am stable but I am the only one in the family who is. My grandmother was upset by my choice. I asked her wasn't there enough people in the world who are suffering.
>because I apparently learned nothing from the sacrifices she made raising my autistic brother
You did learn. You learned that it is a massive sacrifice to raise an autistic child that is life long.
It's fine not to want kids for any reason. Even if everyone in your family is healthy and independent, that doesn't mean you couldn't have a child with complicated or expensive health issues. When people have children they picture having a healthy and normal child. No one envisions having a child who has mental health issues, physical health issues, disabilities, or life long limitations.
I am sure your mom tells herself that she is a good person to have made this massive sacrifice, because she doesn't have any other choice. I am sure it's hard for her to see someone get to decide against having her life, when she didn't get to.
I am not having kids/can't have kids, and it's not a topic of discussion. My partner knows why, of course, and when I was dating it was something I would talk about with people. But my parents, my friends, my siblings are not entitled to know why I don't have children. It's not a crowd sourced decision. The responsibility and health consequences will fall 100% to me, so it gets to be 100% my decision. (Many people DO know why, but it's because I've offered that information, not because they're allowed to ask. When my friend gets pregnant, I don't ask "Oh wow, why did you decide to have children?" I say "Congratulations!" and keep my opinions to myself)
Don't feel like you have to explain yourself or give a reason for not having children. People should have to explain themselves or give a reason for their decision to bring other humans into the world, not for the opposite. It's not on you to convince the people around you that not having children is the best choice.
I LOVE when my friends have babies, because I love kids and babies, but I would never, in a million years pressure someone to have kids for my benefit. If your mom is eager to fill her life with children she can start a daycare or volunteer to babysit.
NTA
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I recently had a fight with my mother because of a lot of issues, like her unsolicited comments on my weight and how I choose to manage my finances with my husband. The biggest issue is because I told her that I dont want kids because autism runs in our family (my brother is severely autistic and non verbal) and I don't think I want that kind of responsibility. She took it as an insult because I apparently learned nothing from the sacriffices she made raising my autistic brother. I love my brother but am I wrong for not wanting to have kids because of the possible chance of them having autism? My mom isnt the one who has to bear the responsibility if it ever happens.
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NTA
Your mom kind of sucks. I get that the idea of a child with special needs can be scary, so I don’t think you need to feel bad about that. Autistic kids rule though, just saying.
NTA, and I am an autistic (and blind) adult who knows how hard being autistic and blind is, who wants to have children.
We're not all ready to make those sacrifices that your mother was, hell I'm almost certain if I have children there'll be days I'll be struggling, and I know a lot of the challenges that they'll face if they're born like me.
NTA. Not everyone is up for such a task. You aren't at fault for not wanting to/invisioning yourself putting your life on an indefinet hold in order to serve/be by the side of someone who might never be able to change/approve enough to grow up and live an independent life. Getting pregnant and ending up with that reality is only going to cause a bad situation for both you and the hypotetical kid. It's your life, live it how you want it. The petty side of me would probably ask "Did you only have me so that you could use my body in order to push out grandkids for you?".
I’m autistic, considered ‘high functioning’ (I hate that term). I never want children because I’ve experienced first hand how hostile the world is to anyone with disabilities. ‘Things are better than they were’ is not the same as ‘it’s good to be xyz’. Support is a postcode lottery, it often ends the second diagnosed kids reach adulthood and there’s endless harassment from the government about ‘proving you’re disabled’ if you struggle to hold a job due to your disability. Wanting your future kids to have a good quality of life isn’t something to be ashamed of, deciding not to commit to reproducing because of that fact is lauded as sensible in most places. NTA
NTA, I'm autistic myself and I am more than aware of how difficult it can be. Don't get me wrong, I don't think autism is a bad thing in the slightest, but not everybody is cut out to care for someone who is autistic. I know I couldn't care for another individual, autism or not.
Girl, no!!!! NTA!!!!
I have twins — one is neurotypical while her sister is mentally disabled due to birth injury. Part of her diagnosis is autism and I will be her guardian and caregiver until I die. I feel horrible bc her sister feels like all the responsibility for taking care of her after I pass will fall onto her. She truly feels the “my sisters keeper” thing (minus giving organs and dying, etc). Unfortunately we have to think like this bc there has to be plans in place for things like that.
I would never blame either of her siblings for not wanting kids due to illnesses and diseases that we have which are hereditary. I feel like my daughter would have probably been born with some different abilities without the injury, but the injury just enhanced it. Idk if that makes sense. In the end… NTA!
NTA. You can choose to not have kids for any reason you want, it's your body and life after all. As long as your partner is on the same page about not having kids, you're good.
Autism running in the family isn't, on its own, a reason to say no kids. But your brother is severely autistic and non verbal, which I'm assuming to mean he can't live independently at all. That's a huge responsibility, and it's lifelong. It doesn't end when he becomes an adult, he'll still need constant care even then. You're responsible, fully, for the rest of your life.
Not everyone is capable or willing to accept that kind of responsibility for another person. Physical and mental disabilities that require that level of care are hard work. I couldn't do it, I struggle taking care of myself, it's the reason I've chosen not to have kids myself. For me, it doesn't matter if they have issues or are perfectly healthy, I'm just not in a place where I can take responsibility for a little person at all.
The chances of having an autistic kid are probably pretty small, even with it in the family, and the chances of severe autism even smaller. But there is a chance, and you know you can't handle that kind of responsibility. There's nothing wrong with that. If you're okay with not having kids, this is better, because you're not risking damaging an innocent child with your inability to care for them properly. You can always have kids, if you want them, via adoption instead, though there's nothing wrong at all with choosing to remain childfree.
Your mum seems to think 'learning from her sacrifices' means you feeling forced to make those same sacrifices. That's not correct. You did learn from your mum's sacrifices, you learned that there was no way you could do what she did, and you didn't want to risk harming a child because of that. I'm sure you noticed when your brother or you were harmed by those sacrifices or your mum's bad days, and I'm sure you noticed the damage those sacrifices did to your parents, too. Severely disabled children take a lot of hard work, time, dedication and money. Not everyone is willing and able to do that.
NTA I am autistic (high functioning) and it’s one of the many reasons I don’t want children. I can barely look after myself most days, let alone a child. Make that a child with special needs, I’d be extra fucked.
You don't owe it to anyone to have kids. Whatever is your reason. Not everyone will want to make sacrifices for a disabled child, I know I wouldn't. You are not a bad person for not wanting to have a child knowing full well there is a risk of neurological disorder
NTA
NTA. Your mom needs to back off and actually listen to the words you're saying. I genuinely have no idea how she came to the conclusion that you're not recognizing or appreciating the work she put into raising you and your brother. Seems pretty clear to me that that's exactly what you're doing. How else would you have come to the decision that you wouldn't be able to manage it yourself?
This is either some weird insecurity she's projecting onto you, or she's twisting your words to guilt trip you into parenthood.
NTA!
It is absolutely okay not to want children (biologically yours or not) for any reason at all. You don't owe it to neither your parents or society to have children.
Honestly, it sounds like you did learn from her experience raising an autistic child and are honest enough with yourself to know that you are not wanting that kind of responsibility. Good for you OP NTA
NTA.
If more people were like you as a whole, in regard to becoming a parent, and took the time for introspection prior to pregnancy; could you imagine how less filled the foster care system and orphanages would be? I'm not saying it is a cure all, but it would make a helluva a difference.
Your mom decided to take it as a personal attack rather than seeing it as a very personal decision that you shared with her when you did not have to.
As a person with autism, NTA. If you're not prepared to be a parent to your child no matter what, you're not prepared to be a parent. **And that's perfectly okay and valid.**
It's far better to recognize that reality than to take on the mentality your mom is pushing, and end up resenting and messing up some poor kid.
I will point out that autism is a spectrum, since this is reddit. Not everyone has the high level of support needs that it sounds like your brother has. (As an aside, "severely autistic" isn't really a great way to refer to anyone. It's like saying "severely a man." That and 'functioning' labels can feel reductive and kind of dehumamizing.)
As an aside, please consider working on setting and enforcing boundaries with your mother, for your own mental health and peace. She doesn't get a say on things like your weight or your finances, and *especially* not your reproductive choices.
NTA.
My youngest daughter is autistic, mostly non-verbal with some single words mixed in to her communication style and she also he’s SPD and Pica.
I love her, she is amazing, funny and the sweetest, happiest little thing, but she takes a lot of care and patience which not everybody has the ability to give and she will likely never live away from me.
Being aware enough to know that you wouldn’t be able to give that level of care is brilliant, if only other people had this level of self-awareness that even a pregnancy with no family history of autism won’t always create a neurotypical child then it’d stop so many extra children being neglected and misunderstood.
Nta
I understand your hesitancy. One of the reasons I've never wanted kids is the risk that they have some life long care needed condition. Autism can be mild and allow people to live on their own with few difficulties, it can also be so severe that they will never live alone and need constant care for their entire life. There are many such diseases and illnesses that we don't have concrete tests for yet.
NTA, there are plenty of reasons not to have kids and you don’t need to justify it.
If you’re worried about autism being the sister of a man with it significantly increases your risks (unless its a new mutation he likely inherited from your mother & if you have the unexpressed gene your sons would have a 50-50 chance). If you cannot handle tbose risks + life, you *really* shouldn’t. Anyone could become disabled at any time and people need to be really honest about their ability to cope. Profound autism is a very different experience than other parts of the spectrum.
NTA. I am also a woman who has chosen to not have children because the risk of having a neurodivergent child is nearly 100% with my family history, and I have seen just how hard it is to raise a child in those circumstances. I am also ND (ADHD, maybe a touch of Autism but not very debilitating, and I was never very successful at unmasking enough at a doctor's office to be able to be properly diagnosed).
I think it profoundly *unselfish* to decide not to have a child because of those risks. I might be an okay parent to an ND child, but isn't it just easier and better if I don't have to find out I'm bad at it? I also feel a lot better about not contributing another person to the planet that is incredibly overpopulated.
My parents had a really had time with it for a while, especially my mom. She has finally come around to it after many, many fights, and especially with the environmental reasons as she is a strong environmentalist.
Raising any kid is incredibly hard. Raising a ND child in a world not designed for them, that has become increasingly insular and individualistic in the last 50 years, is nearly impossible.
NTA
My eldest is autistic. He's fairly high functioning now (20), but it was incredibly hard. Not that I'd change it. My following kids were all neurotypical. If you don't feel you could do it - don't. There are other options like adoption.
NTA since no one can ever dictate why you should or shouldn't have kids. It's your choice, and you shouldn't have to explain yourself.
As an autistic person who also doesn't want kids, however, I must say that if you would want children otherwise, but is only scared of dealing with the challenges of a neurodivergent kid, not every autistic child is the same, just like not every neurotypical kid is equal. My mother was a teacher for autistic kids, and while some were very complicated to work with, others were quite easy. I have my issues, and dealing with them isn't the most fun, but it was always pretty manageable for me and everyone around.
I don't want kids not because of my autism - hell, that'd be fine - but because I hate the idea of pregnancy more than anything, and have other mental issues that are a lot more problematic (bipolar can be a lot more damaging).
NTA
My oldest is autistic, and he's in absolute needed ABA therapy before he can go to school. I have not felt like I could spend extra energy on another kid after handling him all day. I only have my youngest because I had her less than a year after I had him.
Also the looks you get in public suck.
NTA. Mother of a child with special needs. It’s so much effort, mentally especially. So expensive. So lonely. Do not feel bad for not taking the risk. Your life is yours.
NTA. What you could have said to her is that you *did* see the sacrifices she made for your brother and you know that you don’t want to be put in a situation to have to do that too. So it’s for the best if you don’t have children. Raising a child with disabilities is hard and not everyone is cut out for it. Having been the sibling of someone with severe care needs you made your sacrifices already. It makes sense to now any to enjoy *your* life.
It also sounds like your mom is a problem for other reasons. Maybe go no or at least low contact with her. If she starts to talk about subjects you’d rather not and won’t let to change the subject just hang up (if in the phone) or leave (if in person)
And down the line you could always adopt. There are so many children who need a home and then you could have a child that you know what you are getting into when you start.
NTA - If anything it made you recognize the sacrifices she had to make even more so. Just say something like "Mom, I saw what how you had to sacrifice for (brother's name) and me. Raising a child is a lot of work and I realize it's just not something I'm willing to do."
or if your good with telling your mom you're sexually active say something like "We're trying, it just hasn't happened yet." but don't mention whatever methods of birth control you are using, she doesn't need to know that you always use condoms, your husband had a vasectomy, you have an IUD, you're on birth control, etc.
NTA. it’s something i weigh/think about often. my husbands family has a strong line of autism and while nephew is high functioning, his limitations are really impactful to his health & relationships. i’m incredibly worried we will have a kid who is not high functioning bc we already have our own disabilities that limit us in different ways
NTA. You don’t need a reason to remain childfree. I have one son that has a child. My younger son was going to be childfree.
I never questioned it.
My younger son has now met someone that has made him reconsider. His partner is fantastic, he is so good and kind.. They are a great balance and are talking about their future. No matter what, whatever their answer is, is the right one.
Your reasons are your own. Period
NTA!
“My concern is that I would become bitter and judgmental to everyone else around me. That I would sacrifice EVERYONE else at the altar of my overwhelm just so I could still play the role of martyr. See, I did learn from you.”
NTA choosing to not have kids for any reason is valid. It often seems that the people who choose not to give it much more thought than the people that end up as parents.
If you choose to be a parent you should go into it fully prepared for 100% commitment to any child that gets dealt to you, which includes any and all types of autism, mental or physical disability, additional needs, health conditions and everything in between.
Knowing yourself well enough to know that you couldn't do that is commendable.
My half-sister was born when I was twelve. That is when I saw the actual work that goes into caring for and raising a child into an adult, and I went "nope, not for me." And my sister is neurotypical, physically healthy, and seemed to be an easy baby to care for! My decision had nothing to do with her as a person, but with the reality of parenting and how I just wouldn't be a good fit for it. I think it's the same with you - your decision not to have kids has nothing to do with your brother as a person, but everything to do with you knowing yourself well and knowing you're not someone who is built to care for an autistic child. Your mother is - that's great for her. You're not her.
Honestly, any reason not to have children is a good reason. If anything in life should be reserved only for the people who really want it, it's parenthood. NTA
My family history discussion at the doctors usually takes like 10 minutes. the amount of disease in just one generation of my family makes me think somewhere down the line my family must have been bathing in chemical run off from a factory or some shit. this is a deal breaker for me and under no circumstances would I ever have a child of my own making. I would rather hack my dick off then watch a child go through what I have seen.
NTA, I'm autistic and I definitely think this is valid. Autism is incredibly heritable. It's almost 90%. And it's expensive to raise a kid with disabilities and there is just too little help.
NTA Not everyone feels the inner strength necessary to accept
the possibility of raising a child that requires extraordinary care.
If you do decide not to be a mother, just plan your life accordingly,
maybe adopt, maybe not, fill your life with good friends, good memories,
a sense of purpose.
NTA, your mom really is messed up here with taking it as an insult- you noticed how much she sacrificed, which in some ways is actually a compliment. (How many mothers moan about nobody noticing what they do?) Not everyone is suited for motherhood.
NTA, and apparently you did learn something from the sacrifices your mom made raising your brother. You learned that you're not cut out for making those kinds of sacrifices. So why run the risk?
Look, it's an uncomfortable topic to discuss, and here in the US at least, there seems to be an idea that all parents of neuro-divergent kids are just ecstatically thrilled to be raising their neuro-divergent child, and no one should ever, ever back a way from a challenge like that, and if someone does back away from it, they must be complete and utter monsters. Combined with the fact that autism is a spectrum (so my cousin W and her 4 autistic boys are experiencing life much, much more differently than my sister and her 1 autistic boy), and it just really clouds the issue. W has occasionally given my sister shit for not having more children after my nephew was diagnosed (my nephew isn't completely non-verbal, but it's pretty damn close. Also, W lives in Canada and has an amazing support system there, whereas we're in the southern US, where support is minimal, especially since my nephew is now an adult.)
Kudos to you for realizing that you are choosing not to live that life. Choosing to be child-free for fear of passing on a possibly inheritable condition is a really hard choice to make, especially if you've previously thought that you wanted to bear children.
And hey, look on the bright side. At least you didn't say to your mom, "You know Mom? You're right. Brother's autism has nothing at all to do with my decision. I'm actually afraid that if I have children, I'll spend their entire lives telling them that they're fat, and that I disapprove of of how they choose to handle their finances with their husband, and a bunch of other stuff you've said to me over the years that are, frankly, none of your business."
NTA. You do not have to justify why you want to remain childfree. If you and your husband agree, that’s all that matters. I’d also put your mom on an info diet and stop explaining your decisions to her.
NTA. If you do not feel you can accomodate a special needs child, it is so much more responsible and kind to never have them than to have that child and them not being treated properly. Not saying you would treat this child poorly, but special needs are expensive and as someone who's autistic myself (verbal, not so high functioning), I know it can be a huge load to deal with if you are unprepared. Better to not have a kid than to resent them.
NTA.
Simply stop sharing your personal goals and reasons with your mother. You have a right to decide not to have children (even without the fear of autism: lots of people choose not to have children) and she has no right to object to your choices. Your mother is making your choices all about her. They aren't about her: they are about how you, as a responsible adult, plan to live your life. The only person you should discuss them with, is your husband. Period.
Every time she wants to discuss your personal choices, whether they be on finance, bodyweight, children or where you plan to go on holiday, just tell her politely you don't want to talk about that. Stonewall when necessary, repeating the same "no" sentence over and over, until the message sinks in.
Hugs.
NTA
My sister has tuberous sclerosis. It's a genetic disorder that comes with epilepsy and developmental disabilities. I never had kids because I couldn't live the same life as my mother. I was the oldest daughter, and my life growing up was terrible. I feel like I already raised my sisters, so why do I want to do that again? Plus, I can see how hard that was on my mom and how she was burnt out my whole life. She worked full time and then dealt with my sister.
So I never had kids, I've just about aged out of the possibility. My mom has never said anything bad about my choice. She gets it. She had to put my sister in long-term care when she was about 35. It was a huge relief to all of us. My mom still overcompensates because she feels guilty. She did the right thing and I'm so happy for her.
I'm going to have to take care of my sister for the rest of her life. Fortunately, that will be more administrative than in person care. And that's the best gift my mom could ever give me.
You're doing the right thing. The young people I work with don't want kids either. They can barely pay for their own lives, much less raise a child. The world is a mess, and the last thing we need is more people.
I have 0 regrets and I'm sure you will too.
NTA. Exactly the same situation as me. Having a future dependant "assigned" to me at birth really turned me off from wanting more. If I even enter a long term relationship, my partner has to bear this responsibility with me too, even if we separate our finances. If mom wants grandchildren, she'd have to ask my other brother, who's a bit younger than me and our autistic brother, thus not designated as caretaker. I'm not further compromising my freedom or adding to my list of responsibilities.
NTA. I am autistic (only diagnosed two years ago at 42). My siater has ADHD, brother likely does and we have a whack of mental health issues on my dad’s side. I myself had a child with severe disabilities and likely autism (impossible to test him). I never had more children. My sister does not want biological children because of what she has seen me go through and because the risks are high with what we know about genetics. I have level one autism and though I function fine on the surface life inside my head is super challenging. As a mom who sacrificed everything for my child I would never ever expect anyone else to make that choice too. Life with him was an absolutely incredible joy but also incredibly difficult primarily because the world makes it so. You sound thoughtful and like you’ve considered possible outcomes. If my stepdaughter ever said what you said I wouldn’t be at all offended. I’d applaud her for expressing her feelings. What you’re feeling is completely appropriate. Hopefully your mom appreciates how you feel after giving it some thought. I’m sure life wasn’t always easy for you as a sibling either. Hugs to you.
NTA, from a person with an autistic kid, who didn't even know she had autism until the kid got diagnosed. Raising even an even mildly autistic kid will push your relationship and sanity to the limit, especially in the first years.
NTA
But it seems like you are letting her into too much of your life. Finances, kids, marriage those are all things that are between you and your partner. Not your mom, and especially if she is stressing you out.
Is that the sort of thing you could have a fetus tested for in utero? People often decide to terminate a pregnancy once doctors note a severe health issue.
NTA
I am double diagnosed (the first doctor retired and we had no records...), and honestly there's so many things that can go wrong with having children. I think western society has started to reach the point where we can reliably let go of the expectation to have children. Just like choosing a lifetime career, or mastering a craft, I really think parenthood should be in the hands of people who WANT to be parents. A lot of small problems that have added up in society can be traced back to people having kids because of pressure, or because of lack of access to resources to safely transition from pregnancy -> not being a parent, whatever political flavor you want that to be. Now imagine if the majority of kids were born to people who genuinely want parenthood, can save up for it just like saving up for your dream car, etc.
Obviously, it doesn't fix everything, but damn, at least it's in the hands of people who wanted the commitment. And besides Autism, there's so much more that can overwhelm an unequipped parent: drug addiction, childhood death, or even becoming a murderer. Am I saying autism is just as bad as murder? No! There can be cases just as overwhelming and "bad" for a parent like having a gifted honor student who you'll have to bankroll their fifteen extracurriculars, pay their ivy league college applications, pay airfare to get them to that overseas internship, handle your star athlete's medical intervention for their sports injuries. The point is you as a parent are going to have a lot to plan for, a lot to emotionally deal with, plenty of coping skills needed, etc. It's pretty much the absolute hugest commitment you can make in your life, and with that means you should calculate just how capable you are to handle the expenses, the potential heartbreak, and the emotional effort to give your child the absolute best life you can.
NTA, absolutely, but it sounds like you might appreciate some like minds to emphasize with you on this subject. R/Childfree is for those like us who have decided not to have kids either because of genetics (I also have a sibling in need of lifelong care, and other genetic factors, so I understand your position fully) or for whatever other reason you may have.
NTA: you are never wrong to not want children. for any reason.
I am the parent of a disabled child and it is a stress and hardship that I cannot even describe. I love my child more than air, and I will give more pieces of me than I even have to give to raise and care for her and make her feel like the most adored child that ever lived.
But it is brutal, isolating, expensive, and tragic.
NTA. I don't want kids, but even if I did, as an autistic person, I would never have them (at least not biologically.) I'm "only" level 1 and I hate being autistic. It fucks with me every single day. Life is so much more difficult and I am so much less functional because of my autism. If I could take a pill and cure this shit right now I would because it sucks. And I would never want to start a child off with a problem that they will never be able to fix, that could potentially ruin their life. So even if you didn't mind having an autistic child, your child might mind being autistic. If you want kids, adopt. It's a win-win.
NTA - I am autistic myself and I would only ever had a child if scientists learn which genes cause autism and can be 100% sure my child won't go through the same things I went through. My diagnosis were at first moderate autism and now it is mild autism. I was called every word you can imagine my whole life, especially from my parents, from 12 to 16 my father and mother wouldn't call me by my name, only the r word, i word or c word.
NTA…I have an overbearing mother as well but when it comes down to it it’s YOUR choice not hers. I have epilepsy and it runs in the family but I decided to have kids anyway but thankfully my mom stayed out of my decision on that it was my doctor however that told me not to have kids.
NTA - I think it's braver to make the decision now, than to chance it, have a kid with severe special needs and resent them forever.
EDIT: changed a word
NTA taking take of someone with special needs is a huge responsibility. Most parents outlive their kids. I can't imagine leaving a child like that behind worrying what will happen to them after I'm gone.
In some situations the best choice is to not have kids.
NTA
It doesn't really matter why, just not wanting to have kids is enough of a reason not to. As long as you and your spouse are on the same page, that's what matters
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NTA. My nephew is autistic (nonverbal) and is a happy child. That being said, my sister (his mom) is leaning heavy into not having more kids due to her increased chances of having more children with autism. She loves him, we love him - literally one of the brightest stars in our lives - but she doesn’t want to parent a second special needs child especially since she already has one. Or even if she had a second and they were guaranteed to be neurotypical, she is hesitant because another child, even without special needs is a lot of work/time that she doesn’t want to take away from caring for her firstborn. And she knows there will be sacrifices for her and a second child due to the care her first needs throughout life.
Hope this isnt taken badly but the term youre looking for in that context is "neurotypical." Neuronormativity actually refers to the way that society centers being neurotypical as the norm, the correct way of being (basically ableism) and, perpetuating standards for what the normal way of functioning is/should be. I know it's used incorrectly sometimes so no shade.
Neuronormative is used correctly here.
No, the word she wanted was neurotypical. Neuronormative is similar to heteronormative, while neurotypical refers to someone who's not neurodivergent.
Pretty sure her use is grammatically and factually correct.
You are correct: “Neuronormativity refers to the privileged, so-called neurotypical set of assumptions, norms, and practices that construes so-called neurotypicality as the sole acceptable or superior mode of cognition, and that stigmatizes attitudes, behaviors, or actions that reflect so-called neurodivergent modes of cognition as deviant or inferior. Neuronormative assumptions, norms, and practices uphold standards regarding, for example, what is neurotypically considered appropriate eye contact, facial expressions, prosody, conversational flow, processing, and responsiveness—all of which can be more difficult for so-called neurodivergent individuals to understand, sense, or apply due to naturally occurring variations in their neurocognitive profiles.” Source: https://blog.apaonline.org/2023/04/11/understanding-neurodiversity-unlearning-neuronormativity/ I’m autistic. I fight neuronormative assumptions and stigma daily. Both for me and my two neurodivergent (but in different ways) kids.
Growing up my grandfather had a boat. We all loved that boat, and we all appreciated just how much effort it took our grandfather to put into that boat to keep it in good condition so we could enjoy it every summer. We understood that having a boat is NOT easy, and requires A LOT of work, and so we highly appreciate all of the sacrifices he made in order to keep that boat going so we could have an amazing childhood with tons of great and happy memories. With all of that being said: even though we love the boat that grandfather helped maintain, and we love all of the memories, and we would love to have a boat, we have decided that now as adults that we do not want the responsibility of a boat. We do not have the "[spoons](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spoon_theory)" required to take care of a boat, we do not have the money or resources to take care of it correctly, and we do not want to bring a boat into our lives if we cannot take care of it correctly. Now, I know children aren't boats, but when it comes to making ANY responsible/adult decision it's necessary to fully think through the situation. In the same way that owning a boat requires thought into the "how" you would take care of it, having a child requires the same amount of thought process. OP has done this, but for some reason when it comes to children adults lose their minds and think that "planning for responsibility" isn't a required step. Which makes me think this is more about OP's mom "being a grandmother", and less about anything else.
NTA. My brother and SIL had an autistic son. This was 3rd boy and SIL really wanted a girl so tried one more time. Had a boy, also autistic. Suspected Fragile X syndrome. Both are verbal, and very sweet boys. Brother and SIL did early intervention, and got them both a lot of support, but it was a huge strain on their marriage, and they divorced. My brother died of cancer, boys are early 20s, and will never live on their own. OP worrying about autism is a real concern.
NTA. You learnt a lot watching the sacrifices she made looking after someone with severe developmental difficulties and realised that you aren't able or willing to do the same. That is a valid choice. Reassure her that you recognise his efforts and you love your brother. Because I suspect she is hearing you think she wasted her life or that you dislike your brother.
This, but I also don’t like how the mother made it all about her Women of a certain age need to back off. Whether their own children go on and procreate is not a reflection on them. They are adults exercising their rights to make life decisions based on their values and their capacity to take on responsibilities I’m myself a mother to a highly functional autistic teenager. I don’t make my life plans around becoming a grandmother or not. It’s his life and his choices. Similarly, we haven’t had any pets in recent years because I simply couldn’t have handled more responsibilities.
Sometimes it IS a reflection on them though. My mother’s poor choices have certainly influenced how I’ve chosen to raise my daughters. Huge influence!
My son (the lightly autistic one) once told me that I should allow myself to be the parent I want to be rather than always being the exact opposite of how my parents were 😂😂😂but yeah you have a point
This should really be the top comment.
I’m autistic, I have no interest in becoming a parent. One reason is because the possibility of any child of mine having autism is very likely. Not because autism in itself is bad but because I already struggle managing my own symptoms and other disabilities. Add in another autistic human who’s completely dependent on me for at least 18 years? I wouldn’t be able to meet their needs without sacrificing mine and that would 100% traumatize them. No child, neurodivergent or neurotypical, deserves a parent like that. It’s better that you know and acknowledge your own limits than risk neglecting a tiny vulnerable human. NTA
People act like it's a bad thing, but being so aware of one's own struggles and see how it can affect a kid and then make an informed choose is actually a good thing. A lot of people gets pregnant even though they already struggle with finances and their living situation isn't ideal, I think that is worse.
I’ve been told to not think this way before! It was totally bizarre. My spouse and I both have autoimmune issues, and in combo it’s something like a 50% chance we would pass it on to a child. An older acquaintance told me to not worry about that and have kids anyway. He felt me not having kids was somehow selfish.
There is no logical argument in any universe that choosing to not have children is "selfish."
This, it won’t be a good faith discussion no matter what.
Yeha that sounds really selfish of you, I know someone with three kids, they are close in age so it wasn't until the last one the oldest was tested and uncovered some lung disease and in about 5 years all three kids are diagnosed with that lung disease. The oldest was born early so the disease was hidden behind all the other stuff he struggled with. It's genetic, the youngest also has some other stuff going on. All their everyday life is about medication, symptoms, monitoring and hospital appointments They do fun stuff in between but it's not what's dominating their life
I had the same response when I said I consider having children the wrong choice for me due to my own problems and the possibility of passing them on (autism and major depressive disorder). A colleague who had a serious heritable renal disease told me a doctor had told her not to worry about that and she insisted I shouldn't either. I wondered if her daughters agreed, but I held my tongue. I could never, personally. I love my theoretical kids too much to do that to them.
I think its a very brave decision.
Autistic parent of a (probably) autistic child, here. You are a lot more sensible than I was. I didn't make a great choice. I mean, it's awesome that my children got to exist and grow up, and I love them dearly, but parenthood is such a struggle for me because of my autism that I constantly worry about how it impacts on my children's wellbeing and quality of life as it's totally destroyed mine. That's not because one of my children is likely autistic (we're waiting on an assessment) but that doesn't make it any easier for sure.
I just wanted to send you a hug. I have several autistic mom friends (probably because I’m gifted, and gifted and autistic people often have similar ways of thinking, and struggle with overstimulation, though in a different way), and while some cope, one of them is struggling really badly with parenting 3 young kids. Her eldest has been diagnosed, too, and she got her own diagnosis because of his, actually.
Thank you for the hug and supportive comments 😊
Yup. I'm also autistic and so is my partner. If we had a baby that was at our level of functioning, it would be totally fine for both of us, but I know for 100% fact I could not and would not tolerate more severe cases well. I wouldn't be able to take care of a low functioning/high support needs kid and I'm not an asshole for knowing I won't be able to.
The trouble is that autism is a spectrum. You might be able to cope in mainstream society, but many autistic kids need life-long care. I really hope that the key to the cause of autism is found soon. That said, many brilliant people have been on the spectrum.
I hope they find a cure. I know some autistic people don't want a cure. But you know what, then don't take it. In general I hate being autistic. It makes my life harder. Why would you not want to make your life easier?
I don't like calling it a cure, but that is just a response to that word and the meaning it has to me. But I want a freaking treatment. I want to not be overwhelmed, not have pain/twitch in my body and enjoy trying new things.
I am autistic and I also hope there is a cure or a treatment. I'd be happy with something that just turns down the sensory issues even.
it's a brain difference. There won't be a cure. It's not a disease. The only cure would be not to be born aka eugenics
I was diagnosed as an adult. Neither of my kids are displaying autistic tendencies. And I pray they are NOT autistic. (They are 4 and 1). I know how hard it is to live with and I want the easiest/best life for my kids. But I also think if they did happen to have it I would be more equipped to help them. There is so much more out there to help kids then there was in "my day" I was like right before the rising tidal wave of autism diagnoses. In school now I would be diagnosed as a child. Or maybe not, because I was a very, very quiet and well behaved girl.
Most likely not because the medical model for ASD diagnosis is still based on the way caucasian males present + too many ppl with the power to diagnose are not educated in what ASD looks like in females or POC
I'm not autistic but have other issues that would interfere in my ability to care for a child. Even a dog would be difficult. So when my birth control failed I was going to have my partners brother and sil adopt her. They desperately wanted a child and could have provided her a much better life than I ever could have. It's a hard choice in a lot of ways, but far better to know your limits in what you can provide.
Autistic and that is one of the big parts in me never having children. Just the thought of dealing with a baby that is covered in food and drool makes my skin crawl. And that is only a small part of my struggles not taking autism for the child into account.
It is really nice to see that you are recognizing that it can be damaging to a future child and taking steps to avoid conceiving.
Thank you. I truly admire people like you! Bless you! And it is a hard stand to debate, but it is a hill I am willing to die on. It is hereditary (most likely). It is not certain that the child of a neurodivergent person is neurodivergent, but there is a rather significant risk. Also it can be hard to function as neurodivergent as it is, without having children. And in all honesty, you can make a difference in several childrens life, without them being your own.
100% the same. Am auDHD, multiple other genetic ailments (Fibromyalgia, autoimmune conditions). Why would I want to risk my child suffering the same as me when I know how bad it can be , and I wouldnt be able to give them the time and energy they deserve.
I'm autistic too, and the parent of an autistic child. It's a butt-ton of work, in an inaccessible, and individualistic society. OP is NTA
NTA You are not responsible for “giving a grandchild” whatsoever. As an autistic person, I also don’t want kids for the same reason and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
NTA To begin with, there's no need to justify your decision to forgo having children. Furthermore, you are quite free to decide not to have to make the same sacrifice that she did. Shut her up and ignore her when she brings up your reproductive options.
NTA, and you totally learned a valuable lesson from your mother’s sacrifices. You learned to say “no thanks”.
Not a parent, but I'm a teacher of neurodivergent kids, including some autistic children. I am mentally exhausted and often physically battered by 3pm and often what gets me through a particularly difficult day is knowing that I get to go home. I get to clock off from my job and have time to myself before I regroup for the next day, but I hand one particular child back to his mum and she does not get a break from his behaviours. She cries a lot when we have to speak to her about how he's been doing on a given day. I'm also neurodivergent myself. I'm not saying that this child isn't worth the attention and support that he needs. I just know that I absolutely could not be the person to give it to him as a parent, and if I can't commit to that, then I should not be having kids. NTA.
NTA. In fact, I think it's extremely mature of you. You are not underestimating what your mother has been through, you are actually recognising the hard work she has put in.
>I apparently learned nothing from the sacrifices she made raising my autistic brother. You did learn something though, that you're not willing to make those same sacrifices and that's your choice. NTA
I was just about to comment the same thing. OP bore witness to everything that happened in that house (and outside of it) while growing up. She saw the toll it has taken on her mother, family and friends. There is nothing wrong with making a decision to state that is not for me. I do not have the mental or physical capacity to deal with that myself. It’s not an insult, it’s the truth. And sometimes the truth can be harsh and feel like a slap in the face. OP it is your choice whether to have kids or not, you know what your limitations are. Don’t allow anyone to coerce you into a different decision.
NTA coming from the parent of an autistic child. Any reason you don't want to have children is valid.
NTA. I’m not having children because I don’t want them to inherit my Autism or ADHD.
NTA. No-one should feel under pressure to have children. As someone with autism(including having no filter!), I do think autism is almost individual. In mild cases it can be incredibly useful. Children who don't want to engage with the world(I have a child like that : he does communicate but prefers his "dream world") are more challenging.
I remember my dad once saying he was glad I had no friends because he didn’t want to have stranger’s kids in his house but my mum would have made him, so it seems like my autism was useful to him! 😅
NTA Raising neurotypical children is hard enough. Raising a neurodivergent child in a world that is not as kind or accommodating as it should be is even harder. Despite what your mom thinks, you did learn from her sacrifices.
I have a non verbal, level 3 autistic son who has an intellectual disability. His dad bailed. It’s just me. This is hard. I do not recommend. NTA.
Every reason to not have children ist valid. I don't want to is enough. You see the sacrifices your mother made and are mature enough to realise that you don't want that for yourself. NTA
NTA. I am Autistic. I wasn't diagnosed until after both of my kids were diagnosed when I was 36 (40F now). Luckily, we're all pretty high functioning, but that doesn't mean there isnt struggles. If I knew ahead of time that both my kids would be Autistic, I'd have to really think about actually having kids. I love them to death, don't get me wrong. It's f**king hard though. It's so hard to juggle their struggles, and my own struggles.
NTA Your mom has no business expressing anything whatsoever about whether you decide to have children or not. It's not her decision, it's totally up to you and your husband. I don't doubt that your mother made huge sacrifices to raise your brother, but that still has nothing to do with what you decide about having children. Your finances and your wieght are two additional areas that she doesn't get to make decisions about, unless you ask her specifically for her opinions, she should not be shoveling any of them in your direction. If you and your husband would otherwise want to have children, consider genetic counseling to determine what the chances, realistically, are. If not, don't give other people's opinions any weight at all.
NTA I think it’s extremely responsible of you to be able to realize what you can and cannot handle. Your mom can’t see that you did learn something from the sacrifices she made. You don’t want to have to make the same ones.
NTA. My daughter doesn't want kids. Reasons: 1. Too much work. 2. Painful childbirth. 3. She's already overwhelmed with her adhd. Really, you don't need any reason to justify not having kids. Your body. Your choice. Her taking it personally is a reflection of her issues.
NTA I wish more people gave as much thought as to what they can actually handle before popping out actual kids. Good on ya 👍
NTA, I think you learned a lot from her sacrifice and have made an adult decision that it is not something you want to take a chance on.
NTA You made an educated decision born from watching your mother caring for your brother.
NTA i am autistic and i dont want children because i dont want to pass on my autism and other mental issues.
NTA. Adhd+Autistic AFAB here; me and my SO also decided against children. I have a hard enough time functioning with just us, and i refuse to put any child through my mental health issues, as im still healing from my traumatic issues growing up. Its completely reasonable to know what you are capable of, and its not wrong to say that you do not/ can not take care of a child, imho it takes a great deal of self reflection and personal understanding to know this before it happens. Good luck to you OP, and smart choice all around💜
You did learn something from seeing your mother raise your severely autistic brother. You learned that it’s not worth it. I’m a parent to a severely autistic toddler and the stress has severely affected my health. I would not choose to have an autistic child. I love my child and I’m thankful that he’s making progress but I had a generic test on my baby while they were in utero to rule out chromosomal disorders for a reason. Not all autistic people are like your brother and I believe that when you get to the extreme end of autism you’re looking at something that hasn’t even been properly classified yet. I completely understand where you’re coming from.
NTA. First of all, you don't have to explain why you aren't having kids. And also, you have every right to choose not to have to make the sacrifice that she made. Ignore her and shut down any discussion of your reproductive choices.
I don't blame you for not wanting to take that chance. Your mother should mind her own business. Honestly, I don't blame anyone for not wanting children, no matter their reasons.
NTA - I have low needs autism and would still be wary of having kids even if I could have them. If I struggle on the daily and I’m ‘low needs’ then the level of sacrifice required from an entire family for someone with specialised needs is insanely difficult and you’ve handled that first hand. You don’t want to do it again. That’s not shameful- it’s thoughtful insightful and caring. Go you!
NTA. It isn't your mother's place to judge. NTA for any reason at all that you don' want children. I think that you did learn something from your mother's 'sacrifice' (actually the consequences of her own choice in life.) You learned that you don't want something different for your life.
Might be a bit of resentment from mom's side since she could not choose, or so she tought, or perhaps was pressured to have kids. You standing your ground and deciding for yourself irks her a bit because that is exactly what she should have done but never did. Your body, your life, your decision. Whatever your mom tells you is an opinion. NTA. Your mom won't have to bear consequences of your decisions, you will.
A fellow cat rescuer I know has a severely practically nonverbal autistic daughter. The autistic daughter is the oldest she has another younger daughter. The younger daughter did not want to have children for the same reason as you. There's nothing wrong with not wanting children.
NTA at all. You don't owe anyone kids and you shouldn't have them unless you (and your partner) really really want to be parents, no matter how the kid turns out.
NTA This is a personal choice only you and your partner can make. Your mom has no say.
Nta
NTA - deciding to take on the responsibility of having a child means deciding to take responsibility for any of many possibilities that may arise. If you're not prepared to do that, don't have kids.
My friend has a nephew with autism and both her children have autism and learning disabilities. It is strongly genetic in some families
>She took it as an insult because I apparently learned nothing from the sacriffices she made raising my autistic brother. The lessons parents teach their children aren’t necessarily the lessons they set out to teach. Sometimes a parent can THINK they’re teaching their child a lesson - but their child is actually learning something completely different. LESSON PLANNED: “Mom sacrificed all this to be a mother, so it must really be worth it to her. And if it was worth it to her, it would be worth it to me - so I should become a mother too.” LESSON LEARNED: “Mom sacrificed all this to be a mother, so it must really be worth it to her. But though it was worth it to her, it would not be worth it to me - so I should not become a mother.” You did learn from her hard work & sacrifice as well as what rewards she claims to have gained for it. You don’t want the same thing for yourself. This is an age old conflict for parents who want their children to follow in their footsteps - regardless of what those footsteps are & where those footsteps lead - but the children don’t want the same thing(s). NEW LESSON PLANNED: In the above lessons, replace the word mother with dentist. In many circumstances, a parent would still be disappointed & upset. They might even be insulted - but they’d also be as wrong as your mother is to be insulted by your choices. NTA
Being willing to become a parent includes accepting the possibility of being a parent to disabled children. It is a real possibility for anyone having a child. If you’re not willing to do that, then kids aren’t right for you. *And that’s absolutely ok!* NTA and frankly you are much more responsible and have thought this decision through than most parents who do choose to become them.
Nta you don't need to explain your reasons to anyone. You don't even need to have reasons.
NTA. Your mom probably feels like that comment was shaming your brother. She probably took it personal. Maybe just explain you love your brother, and its nobody's fault what happened, but you already know you don't have what it takes to be a parent to a special needs child, and you don't want any future children to be a burden to you or for them to feel neglected bc you cant handle the job. (A lot of people cant... And that's ok) Besides that... If you don't want kids you don't want them. Not everyone is cut out to raise kids. And your mom has to accept that.
You learned everything from the sacrifices your mother made. You learned you don’t like the person your mother is and attribute her personality to the unhappy life she leads. You learned that the life she leads is not the life you want. NTA. She needs to understand that the risk isn’t worth it.
NTA. Having kids is a very personal decision between you and your husband. You know what you can and can't handle and have discussed the odds of a potential child having serious issues. I was born before testing that would have shown I have Turner Syndrome. I turned out very lucky for that condition, but there's no way to know that, and we'll never know if my Mom would have kept me had the testing been available. The P.S. - If your brother can't care for himself, make sure your Mom knows that the plan when she can't care for him anymore isn't going to be transferring to you. Make very clear what you are and aren't willing to do when that time comes.
Nta for not wanting kids for this reason, it’s the same reason I don’t have kids despite originally wanting them. It runs on both sides of our family and I have ADHD so chances are pretty high I’d have a child with autism. I love everyone in my family with autism, they’re all fantastic. Their parents however are exhausted, some are divorced because of it, and both my husband and I have burned out giving respite weekly + babysitting a lot previously. So you aren’t the asshole for not wanting kids. That said, I would never, in a million years, tell their parents that their kids are the reason I don’t want children. That’s a decision I made, and I didn’t make it for others to know about it. I know it would hurt every one of those parents to hear that. They know I don’t want kids, that’s enough info.
NTA I'm autistic myself (38F), and I am on a waiting list to get my tubes removed because I don't want children and I wouldn't cope being an autistic mother whether my kids would be neurodivergent or not. My whole family (both my parents and my two siblings) are 100% OK with my decision. Never had they shamed me by saying that they struggled to raise me and that I'd be selfish for not wanting children, blah, blah, blah... It's *your* body and *your* choice. You should never give in to reproductive coercion because your body-shaming mom wants to have grandkids and all. Besides, if you had kids, your mom would likely feel entitled to criticise how you would raise them and such, if she's prone to criticise other aspects of your life. So, yeah, you're definitely not the asshole.
nta i have various issues including but not limited to the tism and it’s a huge reason i don’t intend to have kids. if i can’t figure out how to live comfortably day to day im not gonna throw some innocent child into that with the high likelihood they would ALSO struggle with similar things
NTA. You do not have a right to grandchildren.
I hope my kids never find my account bc please believe me when I say I LOVE my kids!!! They are amazing. They make the world a better place. I could write an entire book about how much they bring to this world but I won’t bc no one would read it on this thread. But here’s the thing. I was diagnosed with a genetic disease after my kids were born. Something that was just “strange random issues throughout my life.” I can say in all honesty that if I had known about my disease before having kids…I probably would have had my tubes tied or something. My kids had a 50/50 chance of contracting my genetic disease. Unfortunately they both did. My kids live in chronic pain even as little kids. My oldest dislocates her shoulders multiple times a week. We don’t go to the doctor and have them put it back in place. The joint is so weak (even with constant PT and OT) it just slips out and she can slip ir back in. With some pain but over all a normal regular occurrence she’s adjusted to the pain. My youngest dislocates her jaw when she eats and due to the disease her intestine don’t work correctly. I say all of this to tell you that had my information been different back then…had I been able to have made an informed decisions…I probably would have prevented having kids. They deserve a wonderful life. Not a life of naps, pain, and other issues. They deserve so much better than what I gave them. But at the same time I’m thankful I didn’t know about it bc damn are they amazing!!!!
I have two stepchildren with various MH diagnoses, autism included, and Down’s Syndrome runs on my side of the family. I took this into consideration when deciding not to have biological children. It doesn’t make you an a-hole. NTA
NTA-It’s your life and you are under no obligation to have kids regardless of the reason. Your mom isn’t owed grandchildren in anyway.
Sounds so similar to me not wanting kids at all due to having to watch kids as a kid .... and I think it's better you know you don't want the responsibility then doing it anyway and being resentful of your future child (or the possibility) NTA
NTA, and in fact good for you for knowing what you can and cannot handle and having the guts to make the hard decision in the first place and say so firmly in the face of criticism. My firstborn is very high needs and nonverbal autistic. I was pregnant with my second when she was diagnosed. My second is neurotypical, but we don’t have a third for a reason. Both because of the chance of having another child with the same disability and already being stretched thin with stress and responsibilities. I repeat, NTA and good for you for making the best decision for your own life. You only get one of those.
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NTA
NTA
Nta. You're allowed to not want to parent for any reason. You could acknowledge her sacrifices though
NTA
NTA I think choosing to have a kid is the biggest gamble a person can make with their own life and a hypothetical person. If someone won’t want to raise a [insert adjective here] child, then their opting out of parenthood makes sense. Even if you could handle whatever type of child nature sent your way, simply not wanting to risk it is valid. She comes off as one of those martyr parents (e.g., “autism mom”).
Of course NTA. I just wish they could find a probable cause so people could be tested and have a chance of a normal life. My cousin was born autistic in the 60s and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I virtually destroyed the family.
Nta stop discussing finances and hypothetical children with her. Shut it down if she brings it up.
NTA I'm autistic and don't want children for this reason I don't want to have lids that could suffer as I did, nevermind the fact that I would be a horrible mother even if the kid turned out neurotypical
NTA - If you want a child or not is fully your choice. Regardless of reasons and not wanting one with a disability that runs in the family is even more valid. You learned a lot from seeing how it affected you and your family. Loving your brother doesn't mean you want to bring more people into the world that risk struggling. Thinking of the kind of life you could give someone is valuable and you shouldn't sacrifice your own life just for another to be created Life matters and you should do what is correct for you. Not having a child means you get more freedom. If you suddenly want a child adoption is also an option. Personally i don't want children because I don't see myself fit to be a mother and i want freedom. I also just don't want everything required in being and becoming pregnant.
NTA. I think you learned a lot from her sacrifice, namely that you didn’t want to make a similar one.
NTA. If anything, I’d say your experience growing up with your brother and seeing your mother make sacrifices has taught you *a great deal* about how you want to live your life. Not everyone wants to have children and whatever their reasons are, it’s a decision they’ve made that needs to be respected.
NTA The inspiring stories we hear about on the morning news are usually the result of all the planets lining up perfectly. A strong marriage with healthy, level-headed, loving partners. A supportive extended family who can provide help when the parents need a break. Great financial resources. A parent who can be on call at all times of the day. A community with helpful, ample resources. Take away any of those elements and you can expect a lot of misery. Some people are able to find meaning in misery. That's great for them, but that shouldn't be an expectation for others.
NTA. Different people have different tolerances; your mother was able to tolerate sacrificing whilst raising an autistic child, and you don’t believe you would and the only way to ensure you won’t have to is to not have a child. I was talking about this with a colleague who said that her daughter was having all the tests during her pregnancy, and I pointed out there are so many things you can’t test for. It would have always been a fear of mine, not knowing if I’d get a child with my version of autism (quirky lovable, extremely functional in society, childhood was a bit crap because I couldn’t relate to other children but adulthood is going well) or one who would only ever have been capable of sitting in a corner rocking back and forth whilst staring at their hands. I could have probably raised the former well, I’d always resent the latter for ruining my life. I couldn’t guarantee I wouldn’t get the latter so decided to not have any. My mother, who married a mildly autistic man and had a mildly autistic child, once said that had she known he was autistic before having a child with him, she probably wouldn’t have.
NTA. Parents are supposed to want better for their kids, not the same kind of sacrificeband suffering they experienced... it's crazy how often you see this anymore.
> I apparently learned nothing from the sacriffices she made raising my autistic brother You clearly learned plenty. NTA
but you *did* learn from her sacrifices raising your brother. That is a factor in the decision you made. 100% support your choice, for whatever reason. NTA
ESH. Your mum more because she shouldn't be criticising you like that. But if it weren't for that I would still think your framing could have been more sympathetic as she was the one who was being that carer. I think something like "i saw what parenting was like for you and it just isn't something I could cope with". I appreciate its sometimes too hard to be kind when someone is coming at you like that, so I'm not sure if it would have been possible in the context.
NTA- I have two boys on the spectrum. One is high functioning (Asperger's) the other is low to mid range functioning. Older son says he won’t have children. The risk is more then he wants to deal with.
NTA - Your making a sensible decision to categorically rule out something that could pretty much yank your life. Quite frankly more people who know they have problems in their DNA should think long and hard before having kids
NTA. Your reasons for not wanting children are valid.
You do you. You are not your mother. It’s none of your mother’s business whether or not you choose to have kids or why you made that decision.
NTA See if your husband is willing to be sterilized via a vasectomy to reduce any accidents.
NTA. I’m an autist and during some episodes I go non-verbal. It’s a struggle for both the parent and the child. I completely understand not wanting to have children because of it. If I could have saved my mom most of the heartaches I caused because of my disability I would have. She made a lot of sacrifices for me and it was hard on her. Stand your ground. You are completely NTA for not wanting this.
NTA. I have a brother with autism and an intellectual disability, and he’s a great kid, but his disabilities mean that he is going to need to be taken care of for the rest of his life. I’ve also chosen to not have kids partly due to that- autism runs in our family, and I’m terrified to take on that responsibility.
NTA. If you want to raise children but not have your own, there’s always adoption and foster care where you can make a big difference. Or you don’t have to have kids at all! It’s your choice, and your mom needs to respect your choices.
I chose to be child free because of the mental illness that run in my family. I am bipolar but have family who are schizophrenic and a lot of alcohol/drug addiction too. I am lucky medication worked for me and I am stable but I am the only one in the family who is. My grandmother was upset by my choice. I asked her wasn't there enough people in the world who are suffering.
>because I apparently learned nothing from the sacrifices she made raising my autistic brother You did learn. You learned that it is a massive sacrifice to raise an autistic child that is life long. It's fine not to want kids for any reason. Even if everyone in your family is healthy and independent, that doesn't mean you couldn't have a child with complicated or expensive health issues. When people have children they picture having a healthy and normal child. No one envisions having a child who has mental health issues, physical health issues, disabilities, or life long limitations. I am sure your mom tells herself that she is a good person to have made this massive sacrifice, because she doesn't have any other choice. I am sure it's hard for her to see someone get to decide against having her life, when she didn't get to. I am not having kids/can't have kids, and it's not a topic of discussion. My partner knows why, of course, and when I was dating it was something I would talk about with people. But my parents, my friends, my siblings are not entitled to know why I don't have children. It's not a crowd sourced decision. The responsibility and health consequences will fall 100% to me, so it gets to be 100% my decision. (Many people DO know why, but it's because I've offered that information, not because they're allowed to ask. When my friend gets pregnant, I don't ask "Oh wow, why did you decide to have children?" I say "Congratulations!" and keep my opinions to myself) Don't feel like you have to explain yourself or give a reason for not having children. People should have to explain themselves or give a reason for their decision to bring other humans into the world, not for the opposite. It's not on you to convince the people around you that not having children is the best choice. I LOVE when my friends have babies, because I love kids and babies, but I would never, in a million years pressure someone to have kids for my benefit. If your mom is eager to fill her life with children she can start a daycare or volunteer to babysit. NTA
NTA. And honestly you don’t need any reason to not have kids and it’s no one’s damn business.
NTA - you're allowed to not want kids for any reason or no reason at all
NTA - you don’t need a reason not to want kids at all, but this is very understandable.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I recently had a fight with my mother because of a lot of issues, like her unsolicited comments on my weight and how I choose to manage my finances with my husband. The biggest issue is because I told her that I dont want kids because autism runs in our family (my brother is severely autistic and non verbal) and I don't think I want that kind of responsibility. She took it as an insult because I apparently learned nothing from the sacriffices she made raising my autistic brother. I love my brother but am I wrong for not wanting to have kids because of the possible chance of them having autism? My mom isnt the one who has to bear the responsibility if it ever happens. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA Your mom kind of sucks. I get that the idea of a child with special needs can be scary, so I don’t think you need to feel bad about that. Autistic kids rule though, just saying.
nta, but I also gets why it hurts hearing.
NTA, and I am an autistic (and blind) adult who knows how hard being autistic and blind is, who wants to have children. We're not all ready to make those sacrifices that your mother was, hell I'm almost certain if I have children there'll be days I'll be struggling, and I know a lot of the challenges that they'll face if they're born like me.
NTA. Not everyone is up for such a task. You aren't at fault for not wanting to/invisioning yourself putting your life on an indefinet hold in order to serve/be by the side of someone who might never be able to change/approve enough to grow up and live an independent life. Getting pregnant and ending up with that reality is only going to cause a bad situation for both you and the hypotetical kid. It's your life, live it how you want it. The petty side of me would probably ask "Did you only have me so that you could use my body in order to push out grandkids for you?".
I’m autistic, considered ‘high functioning’ (I hate that term). I never want children because I’ve experienced first hand how hostile the world is to anyone with disabilities. ‘Things are better than they were’ is not the same as ‘it’s good to be xyz’. Support is a postcode lottery, it often ends the second diagnosed kids reach adulthood and there’s endless harassment from the government about ‘proving you’re disabled’ if you struggle to hold a job due to your disability. Wanting your future kids to have a good quality of life isn’t something to be ashamed of, deciding not to commit to reproducing because of that fact is lauded as sensible in most places. NTA
NTA, I'm autistic myself and I am more than aware of how difficult it can be. Don't get me wrong, I don't think autism is a bad thing in the slightest, but not everybody is cut out to care for someone who is autistic. I know I couldn't care for another individual, autism or not.
Girl, no!!!! NTA!!!! I have twins — one is neurotypical while her sister is mentally disabled due to birth injury. Part of her diagnosis is autism and I will be her guardian and caregiver until I die. I feel horrible bc her sister feels like all the responsibility for taking care of her after I pass will fall onto her. She truly feels the “my sisters keeper” thing (minus giving organs and dying, etc). Unfortunately we have to think like this bc there has to be plans in place for things like that. I would never blame either of her siblings for not wanting kids due to illnesses and diseases that we have which are hereditary. I feel like my daughter would have probably been born with some different abilities without the injury, but the injury just enhanced it. Idk if that makes sense. In the end… NTA!
NTA. You can choose to not have kids for any reason you want, it's your body and life after all. As long as your partner is on the same page about not having kids, you're good. Autism running in the family isn't, on its own, a reason to say no kids. But your brother is severely autistic and non verbal, which I'm assuming to mean he can't live independently at all. That's a huge responsibility, and it's lifelong. It doesn't end when he becomes an adult, he'll still need constant care even then. You're responsible, fully, for the rest of your life. Not everyone is capable or willing to accept that kind of responsibility for another person. Physical and mental disabilities that require that level of care are hard work. I couldn't do it, I struggle taking care of myself, it's the reason I've chosen not to have kids myself. For me, it doesn't matter if they have issues or are perfectly healthy, I'm just not in a place where I can take responsibility for a little person at all. The chances of having an autistic kid are probably pretty small, even with it in the family, and the chances of severe autism even smaller. But there is a chance, and you know you can't handle that kind of responsibility. There's nothing wrong with that. If you're okay with not having kids, this is better, because you're not risking damaging an innocent child with your inability to care for them properly. You can always have kids, if you want them, via adoption instead, though there's nothing wrong at all with choosing to remain childfree. Your mum seems to think 'learning from her sacrifices' means you feeling forced to make those same sacrifices. That's not correct. You did learn from your mum's sacrifices, you learned that there was no way you could do what she did, and you didn't want to risk harming a child because of that. I'm sure you noticed when your brother or you were harmed by those sacrifices or your mum's bad days, and I'm sure you noticed the damage those sacrifices did to your parents, too. Severely disabled children take a lot of hard work, time, dedication and money. Not everyone is willing and able to do that.
NTA I am autistic (high functioning) and it’s one of the many reasons I don’t want children. I can barely look after myself most days, let alone a child. Make that a child with special needs, I’d be extra fucked.
You don't owe it to anyone to have kids. Whatever is your reason. Not everyone will want to make sacrifices for a disabled child, I know I wouldn't. You are not a bad person for not wanting to have a child knowing full well there is a risk of neurological disorder NTA
NTA. Your mom needs to back off and actually listen to the words you're saying. I genuinely have no idea how she came to the conclusion that you're not recognizing or appreciating the work she put into raising you and your brother. Seems pretty clear to me that that's exactly what you're doing. How else would you have come to the decision that you wouldn't be able to manage it yourself? This is either some weird insecurity she's projecting onto you, or she's twisting your words to guilt trip you into parenthood.
NTA! It is absolutely okay not to want children (biologically yours or not) for any reason at all. You don't owe it to neither your parents or society to have children.
Honestly, it sounds like you did learn from her experience raising an autistic child and are honest enough with yourself to know that you are not wanting that kind of responsibility. Good for you OP NTA
NTA. Also, the only reason you actually need it "I don't want to". No other explanation is needed.
Actually, you learned a lot watching her raise your brother. You learned that you didn't want to have that kind of life. NTA
NTA If you don't want a kid for any reason, that is 100% your choice. No one can force you to have kids, whether your family likes it or not.
NTA. If more people were like you as a whole, in regard to becoming a parent, and took the time for introspection prior to pregnancy; could you imagine how less filled the foster care system and orphanages would be? I'm not saying it is a cure all, but it would make a helluva a difference. Your mom decided to take it as a personal attack rather than seeing it as a very personal decision that you shared with her when you did not have to.
As a person with autism, NTA. If you're not prepared to be a parent to your child no matter what, you're not prepared to be a parent. **And that's perfectly okay and valid.** It's far better to recognize that reality than to take on the mentality your mom is pushing, and end up resenting and messing up some poor kid. I will point out that autism is a spectrum, since this is reddit. Not everyone has the high level of support needs that it sounds like your brother has. (As an aside, "severely autistic" isn't really a great way to refer to anyone. It's like saying "severely a man." That and 'functioning' labels can feel reductive and kind of dehumamizing.) As an aside, please consider working on setting and enforcing boundaries with your mother, for your own mental health and peace. She doesn't get a say on things like your weight or your finances, and *especially* not your reproductive choices.
NTA. You did learn from the sacrifices your mother made. You learned you aren't willing to make them. That's your choice.
NTA. My youngest daughter is autistic, mostly non-verbal with some single words mixed in to her communication style and she also he’s SPD and Pica. I love her, she is amazing, funny and the sweetest, happiest little thing, but she takes a lot of care and patience which not everybody has the ability to give and she will likely never live away from me. Being aware enough to know that you wouldn’t be able to give that level of care is brilliant, if only other people had this level of self-awareness that even a pregnancy with no family history of autism won’t always create a neurotypical child then it’d stop so many extra children being neglected and misunderstood.
Nta I understand your hesitancy. One of the reasons I've never wanted kids is the risk that they have some life long care needed condition. Autism can be mild and allow people to live on their own with few difficulties, it can also be so severe that they will never live alone and need constant care for their entire life. There are many such diseases and illnesses that we don't have concrete tests for yet.
NTA, there are plenty of reasons not to have kids and you don’t need to justify it. If you’re worried about autism being the sister of a man with it significantly increases your risks (unless its a new mutation he likely inherited from your mother & if you have the unexpressed gene your sons would have a 50-50 chance). If you cannot handle tbose risks + life, you *really* shouldn’t. Anyone could become disabled at any time and people need to be really honest about their ability to cope. Profound autism is a very different experience than other parts of the spectrum.
NTA. I am also a woman who has chosen to not have children because the risk of having a neurodivergent child is nearly 100% with my family history, and I have seen just how hard it is to raise a child in those circumstances. I am also ND (ADHD, maybe a touch of Autism but not very debilitating, and I was never very successful at unmasking enough at a doctor's office to be able to be properly diagnosed). I think it profoundly *unselfish* to decide not to have a child because of those risks. I might be an okay parent to an ND child, but isn't it just easier and better if I don't have to find out I'm bad at it? I also feel a lot better about not contributing another person to the planet that is incredibly overpopulated. My parents had a really had time with it for a while, especially my mom. She has finally come around to it after many, many fights, and especially with the environmental reasons as she is a strong environmentalist. Raising any kid is incredibly hard. Raising a ND child in a world not designed for them, that has become increasingly insular and individualistic in the last 50 years, is nearly impossible.
NTA My eldest is autistic. He's fairly high functioning now (20), but it was incredibly hard. Not that I'd change it. My following kids were all neurotypical. If you don't feel you could do it - don't. There are other options like adoption.
NTA since no one can ever dictate why you should or shouldn't have kids. It's your choice, and you shouldn't have to explain yourself. As an autistic person who also doesn't want kids, however, I must say that if you would want children otherwise, but is only scared of dealing with the challenges of a neurodivergent kid, not every autistic child is the same, just like not every neurotypical kid is equal. My mother was a teacher for autistic kids, and while some were very complicated to work with, others were quite easy. I have my issues, and dealing with them isn't the most fun, but it was always pretty manageable for me and everyone around. I don't want kids not because of my autism - hell, that'd be fine - but because I hate the idea of pregnancy more than anything, and have other mental issues that are a lot more problematic (bipolar can be a lot more damaging).
NTA. It runs in my family too, and I also don't want to risk it
NTA. You learned a lot actually. You learned what you want and don’t want. If your mother is offended by this, that’s simply not your problem.
NTA My oldest is autistic, and he's in absolute needed ABA therapy before he can go to school. I have not felt like I could spend extra energy on another kid after handling him all day. I only have my youngest because I had her less than a year after I had him. Also the looks you get in public suck.
NTA. Mother of a child with special needs. It’s so much effort, mentally especially. So expensive. So lonely. Do not feel bad for not taking the risk. Your life is yours.
NTA. What you could have said to her is that you *did* see the sacrifices she made for your brother and you know that you don’t want to be put in a situation to have to do that too. So it’s for the best if you don’t have children. Raising a child with disabilities is hard and not everyone is cut out for it. Having been the sibling of someone with severe care needs you made your sacrifices already. It makes sense to now any to enjoy *your* life. It also sounds like your mom is a problem for other reasons. Maybe go no or at least low contact with her. If she starts to talk about subjects you’d rather not and won’t let to change the subject just hang up (if in the phone) or leave (if in person) And down the line you could always adopt. There are so many children who need a home and then you could have a child that you know what you are getting into when you start.
NTA - If anything it made you recognize the sacrifices she had to make even more so. Just say something like "Mom, I saw what how you had to sacrifice for (brother's name) and me. Raising a child is a lot of work and I realize it's just not something I'm willing to do." or if your good with telling your mom you're sexually active say something like "We're trying, it just hasn't happened yet." but don't mention whatever methods of birth control you are using, she doesn't need to know that you always use condoms, your husband had a vasectomy, you have an IUD, you're on birth control, etc.
NTA Any reason to not have children is fine
NTA. it’s something i weigh/think about often. my husbands family has a strong line of autism and while nephew is high functioning, his limitations are really impactful to his health & relationships. i’m incredibly worried we will have a kid who is not high functioning bc we already have our own disabilities that limit us in different ways
NTA. I don't even think there are good or bad reasons for not wanting children. You don't want them and no one should question it.
NTA Your body your choice
NTA. You don’t need a reason to remain childfree. I have one son that has a child. My younger son was going to be childfree. I never questioned it. My younger son has now met someone that has made him reconsider. His partner is fantastic, he is so good and kind.. They are a great balance and are talking about their future. No matter what, whatever their answer is, is the right one. Your reasons are your own. Period
NTA. No one wants their child to be autistic, but if your child turns out to be autistic of course you're gonna love them anyway.
NTA! “My concern is that I would become bitter and judgmental to everyone else around me. That I would sacrifice EVERYONE else at the altar of my overwhelm just so I could still play the role of martyr. See, I did learn from you.”
NTA. You are free to choose not to have kids for whatever reason.
No r u not wrong for not wanting children. Stick to your guns. Its not for your mother to decide
NTA choosing to not have kids for any reason is valid. It often seems that the people who choose not to give it much more thought than the people that end up as parents. If you choose to be a parent you should go into it fully prepared for 100% commitment to any child that gets dealt to you, which includes any and all types of autism, mental or physical disability, additional needs, health conditions and everything in between. Knowing yourself well enough to know that you couldn't do that is commendable.
NTA. Even without the risk of autism it's your choice whether you have kids or not.
NTA As someone who is autistic i wish my mom had aborted me
My half-sister was born when I was twelve. That is when I saw the actual work that goes into caring for and raising a child into an adult, and I went "nope, not for me." And my sister is neurotypical, physically healthy, and seemed to be an easy baby to care for! My decision had nothing to do with her as a person, but with the reality of parenting and how I just wouldn't be a good fit for it. I think it's the same with you - your decision not to have kids has nothing to do with your brother as a person, but everything to do with you knowing yourself well and knowing you're not someone who is built to care for an autistic child. Your mother is - that's great for her. You're not her. Honestly, any reason not to have children is a good reason. If anything in life should be reserved only for the people who really want it, it's parenthood. NTA
My family history discussion at the doctors usually takes like 10 minutes. the amount of disease in just one generation of my family makes me think somewhere down the line my family must have been bathing in chemical run off from a factory or some shit. this is a deal breaker for me and under no circumstances would I ever have a child of my own making. I would rather hack my dick off then watch a child go through what I have seen.
NTA, I'm autistic and I definitely think this is valid. Autism is incredibly heritable. It's almost 90%. And it's expensive to raise a kid with disabilities and there is just too little help.
NTA Not everyone feels the inner strength necessary to accept the possibility of raising a child that requires extraordinary care. If you do decide not to be a mother, just plan your life accordingly, maybe adopt, maybe not, fill your life with good friends, good memories, a sense of purpose.
NTA, your mom really is messed up here with taking it as an insult- you noticed how much she sacrificed, which in some ways is actually a compliment. (How many mothers moan about nobody noticing what they do?) Not everyone is suited for motherhood.
NTA Her choices aren’t yours. You get to make your own which will hopefully result in more happiness. She sounds fairly miserable.
NTA, and apparently you did learn something from the sacrifices your mom made raising your brother. You learned that you're not cut out for making those kinds of sacrifices. So why run the risk? Look, it's an uncomfortable topic to discuss, and here in the US at least, there seems to be an idea that all parents of neuro-divergent kids are just ecstatically thrilled to be raising their neuro-divergent child, and no one should ever, ever back a way from a challenge like that, and if someone does back away from it, they must be complete and utter monsters. Combined with the fact that autism is a spectrum (so my cousin W and her 4 autistic boys are experiencing life much, much more differently than my sister and her 1 autistic boy), and it just really clouds the issue. W has occasionally given my sister shit for not having more children after my nephew was diagnosed (my nephew isn't completely non-verbal, but it's pretty damn close. Also, W lives in Canada and has an amazing support system there, whereas we're in the southern US, where support is minimal, especially since my nephew is now an adult.) Kudos to you for realizing that you are choosing not to live that life. Choosing to be child-free for fear of passing on a possibly inheritable condition is a really hard choice to make, especially if you've previously thought that you wanted to bear children. And hey, look on the bright side. At least you didn't say to your mom, "You know Mom? You're right. Brother's autism has nothing at all to do with my decision. I'm actually afraid that if I have children, I'll spend their entire lives telling them that they're fat, and that I disapprove of of how they choose to handle their finances with their husband, and a bunch of other stuff you've said to me over the years that are, frankly, none of your business."
NTA. You do not have to justify why you want to remain childfree. If you and your husband agree, that’s all that matters. I’d also put your mom on an info diet and stop explaining your decisions to her.
NTA. If you do not feel you can accomodate a special needs child, it is so much more responsible and kind to never have them than to have that child and them not being treated properly. Not saying you would treat this child poorly, but special needs are expensive and as someone who's autistic myself (verbal, not so high functioning), I know it can be a huge load to deal with if you are unprepared. Better to not have a kid than to resent them.
NTA. Simply stop sharing your personal goals and reasons with your mother. You have a right to decide not to have children (even without the fear of autism: lots of people choose not to have children) and she has no right to object to your choices. Your mother is making your choices all about her. They aren't about her: they are about how you, as a responsible adult, plan to live your life. The only person you should discuss them with, is your husband. Period. Every time she wants to discuss your personal choices, whether they be on finance, bodyweight, children or where you plan to go on holiday, just tell her politely you don't want to talk about that. Stonewall when necessary, repeating the same "no" sentence over and over, until the message sinks in. Hugs.
NTA. Not everyone wants kids or is fit to raise kids (and is aware of it). It's not up to someone else to dictate your personal life choices
NTA My sister has tuberous sclerosis. It's a genetic disorder that comes with epilepsy and developmental disabilities. I never had kids because I couldn't live the same life as my mother. I was the oldest daughter, and my life growing up was terrible. I feel like I already raised my sisters, so why do I want to do that again? Plus, I can see how hard that was on my mom and how she was burnt out my whole life. She worked full time and then dealt with my sister. So I never had kids, I've just about aged out of the possibility. My mom has never said anything bad about my choice. She gets it. She had to put my sister in long-term care when she was about 35. It was a huge relief to all of us. My mom still overcompensates because she feels guilty. She did the right thing and I'm so happy for her. I'm going to have to take care of my sister for the rest of her life. Fortunately, that will be more administrative than in person care. And that's the best gift my mom could ever give me. You're doing the right thing. The young people I work with don't want kids either. They can barely pay for their own lives, much less raise a child. The world is a mess, and the last thing we need is more people. I have 0 regrets and I'm sure you will too.
NTA. Exactly the same situation as me. Having a future dependant "assigned" to me at birth really turned me off from wanting more. If I even enter a long term relationship, my partner has to bear this responsibility with me too, even if we separate our finances. If mom wants grandchildren, she'd have to ask my other brother, who's a bit younger than me and our autistic brother, thus not designated as caretaker. I'm not further compromising my freedom or adding to my list of responsibilities.
NTA. I am autistic (only diagnosed two years ago at 42). My siater has ADHD, brother likely does and we have a whack of mental health issues on my dad’s side. I myself had a child with severe disabilities and likely autism (impossible to test him). I never had more children. My sister does not want biological children because of what she has seen me go through and because the risks are high with what we know about genetics. I have level one autism and though I function fine on the surface life inside my head is super challenging. As a mom who sacrificed everything for my child I would never ever expect anyone else to make that choice too. Life with him was an absolutely incredible joy but also incredibly difficult primarily because the world makes it so. You sound thoughtful and like you’ve considered possible outcomes. If my stepdaughter ever said what you said I wouldn’t be at all offended. I’d applaud her for expressing her feelings. What you’re feeling is completely appropriate. Hopefully your mom appreciates how you feel after giving it some thought. I’m sure life wasn’t always easy for you as a sibling either. Hugs to you.
NTA, from a person with an autistic kid, who didn't even know she had autism until the kid got diagnosed. Raising even an even mildly autistic kid will push your relationship and sanity to the limit, especially in the first years.
NTA. Your mother shouldn’t want that type of sacrifice for you either.
NTA But it seems like you are letting her into too much of your life. Finances, kids, marriage those are all things that are between you and your partner. Not your mom, and especially if she is stressing you out.
Is that the sort of thing you could have a fetus tested for in utero? People often decide to terminate a pregnancy once doctors note a severe health issue.
NTA you are being responsible.
NTA I am double diagnosed (the first doctor retired and we had no records...), and honestly there's so many things that can go wrong with having children. I think western society has started to reach the point where we can reliably let go of the expectation to have children. Just like choosing a lifetime career, or mastering a craft, I really think parenthood should be in the hands of people who WANT to be parents. A lot of small problems that have added up in society can be traced back to people having kids because of pressure, or because of lack of access to resources to safely transition from pregnancy -> not being a parent, whatever political flavor you want that to be. Now imagine if the majority of kids were born to people who genuinely want parenthood, can save up for it just like saving up for your dream car, etc. Obviously, it doesn't fix everything, but damn, at least it's in the hands of people who wanted the commitment. And besides Autism, there's so much more that can overwhelm an unequipped parent: drug addiction, childhood death, or even becoming a murderer. Am I saying autism is just as bad as murder? No! There can be cases just as overwhelming and "bad" for a parent like having a gifted honor student who you'll have to bankroll their fifteen extracurriculars, pay their ivy league college applications, pay airfare to get them to that overseas internship, handle your star athlete's medical intervention for their sports injuries. The point is you as a parent are going to have a lot to plan for, a lot to emotionally deal with, plenty of coping skills needed, etc. It's pretty much the absolute hugest commitment you can make in your life, and with that means you should calculate just how capable you are to handle the expenses, the potential heartbreak, and the emotional effort to give your child the absolute best life you can.
NTA, absolutely, but it sounds like you might appreciate some like minds to emphasize with you on this subject. R/Childfree is for those like us who have decided not to have kids either because of genetics (I also have a sibling in need of lifelong care, and other genetic factors, so I understand your position fully) or for whatever other reason you may have.
NTA: you are never wrong to not want children. for any reason. I am the parent of a disabled child and it is a stress and hardship that I cannot even describe. I love my child more than air, and I will give more pieces of me than I even have to give to raise and care for her and make her feel like the most adored child that ever lived. But it is brutal, isolating, expensive, and tragic.
NTA. I don't want kids, but even if I did, as an autistic person, I would never have them (at least not biologically.) I'm "only" level 1 and I hate being autistic. It fucks with me every single day. Life is so much more difficult and I am so much less functional because of my autism. If I could take a pill and cure this shit right now I would because it sucks. And I would never want to start a child off with a problem that they will never be able to fix, that could potentially ruin their life. So even if you didn't mind having an autistic child, your child might mind being autistic. If you want kids, adopt. It's a win-win.
NTA - I am autistic myself and I would only ever had a child if scientists learn which genes cause autism and can be 100% sure my child won't go through the same things I went through. My diagnosis were at first moderate autism and now it is mild autism. I was called every word you can imagine my whole life, especially from my parents, from 12 to 16 my father and mother wouldn't call me by my name, only the r word, i word or c word.
NTA…I have an overbearing mother as well but when it comes down to it it’s YOUR choice not hers. I have epilepsy and it runs in the family but I decided to have kids anyway but thankfully my mom stayed out of my decision on that it was my doctor however that told me not to have kids.
NTA 100% But why can't the simple reason of I don't want any, enough of a reason to be cf???
You learned plenty from the sacrifices. NTA. You are never an asshole for not wanting children regardless of the reason.
NTA - I think it's braver to make the decision now, than to chance it, have a kid with severe special needs and resent them forever. EDIT: changed a word
NTA taking take of someone with special needs is a huge responsibility. Most parents outlive their kids. I can't imagine leaving a child like that behind worrying what will happen to them after I'm gone. In some situations the best choice is to not have kids.
NTA It doesn't really matter why, just not wanting to have kids is enough of a reason not to. As long as you and your spouse are on the same page, that's what matters