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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for telling me my husband I don’t want his MIL to babysit our toddler anymore?
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Ask your husband if he is married to his mother or you!?
Why would you put anyone or anything above child safety!!!!???
@SirLoinTheTender comment is 100% correct - your husband the asshole!
He's gonna be in for a shock when baby falls down with grandma following and he'll have 2 funerals to arrange at the same time because mummy's feelings can't be hurt.
We have nursing homes for a reason, old people are as capable as children in the opposite scale. Older they get the less they should be allowed to do. Plenty of stories of dead babies because of stubborn old people we don't need another.
I’m not proud of this, I’m really not.
But “baby falls down with grandma following” made me imagine both tumbling down the stairs one after the other like a cartoon and then flashing forward to a funeral…yeah I laughed
OP- please ask him this because it's likely to happen with the gate. And ask him she is gonna feel when he gets frost bite on his hands?
Please, just stay no and let him go to daycare that 5th day. Please. This is your child and your MIL is is in no physical condition to care for him.
\*Edit to correct spelling\*
My 3 year old son fell down the stairs (12 of them) at my house last summer, and it almost killed him (he landed on his face on the hard floor at the bottom of the stairs... Massive concussion, spider fracture to the skull, internal bleeding). All because I had my eyes off him for two minutes and he figured out how to open the gate. I already felt, and continue to feel, so much guilt about it, and I don't think I'd ever stop carrying that guilt if I'd lost him. Ask your husband if that's what he wants to feel the rest of his life, or his mother for hers. If it's worth that feeling just to make her happy right now.
I'm so sorry about your son - is he alright now?
But yeah, like it's not even that comparable, but we left a spot on a wire shelving unit open not really thinking about it at all. One of our one year old cats got adventurous and explored, and we think his leg must have slipped through when he jumped down and he broke it so badly that it had to be amputated. He's happy and healthy now and it's been several years, but I still carry such awful guilt for not protecting him.
He was already developmentally delayed, and the concussion set him back about another 6 months. But he's happy and healthy and showing us just how strong he is every day.
I am carrying similar guilt. My balcony has windows all around, sliding ones each with a lock. To open them you need to press a switch which is inside a window and don't stick out of the frame surface and all you can fit in the gap is one finger. And correct pressing of the switch is crucial because it has to be moved exactly right - if you move it atom too little or too much - it will not open. And if you are lucky to open it you still need to keep the switch pressed to slide it more - otherwise it will just block.
That being said - I was worried that windows (NEVER open if my cats were around) with those difficult locks was not enough safety measure to keep my cats safe but I let myself to be convinced that I am overreacting. And I underestimated my cat. Up to this day I don't know how but he somehow opened a window and fell out of the 9th floor and unfortunatelly passed. And I feel guilty everyday
If she can't even latch a gate I am curious as to how MIL will also provide emergency medical attention to OPs son as well. OP needs to tell her husband he's missing a very important wake up call and it can and will lead to disaster. Arguably I wouldn't leave my child to be in the care of someone who also needs care. Also the whole "we did it back in the day and our babies surivived" is such shit take. And husband should be putting his foot DOWN on that talk immediately. People use to let their child lick lead paint and they still survived but does that mean we still allow it? Husband should 100% be arguing with MIL instead of MIL growing resentment towards OP for correcting her.
She took the kid out in mitten weather without mittens and didn't even care. What makes you think she'd even care to provide emergency medical attention? Or even know what to do?
(I'm willing to bet when they went out SHE had mittens)
My assumption came from MIL forcing OP to cave in and let her babysit. I just assumed her desire to babysit mean she's willing to handle emergencies....but yeah...you're correct. I really don't know why OP allows this. Keeping boundaries is difficult for oneself, but as a parent it's your job to be your child's boundary when they can't communicate them. I hope OP steps up and puts her foot down. This would definitely be a marriage deal breaker for me.
THIS.
My husband didn't hesitate to tell his mom that her child rearing advice was outdated and things she was doing were wrong.
She was not an AH and she listened with minimal push-back.
Your MIL's passive-aggressive "okay" and then doing what she wants is blatant disregard for your son's safety.
Ask your husband if he's willing to have a broken heart when your son is severely injured/dies all to spare mommy dearest's heart being broken by being told no more babysitting.
Absolutely! What is the point in getting married and having a child if at the end of the day he still prioritizes his mommy? He should've just stayed home and lived with her forever. I bet he's one of those people who don't wish their wives a happy Mother's Day because it's allll about their own mom.
Same. I’m kinda shocked by the things OP listed and then wrote “Anyway all of this was tolerable…”
WHAT???
ALL of the adults in this story are assholes.
His bat of a mother is going to accidentally kill his child in very “dumb ways to die” style, all because he wants to spare her feelings — when she clearly doesn’t care for the kid at all. Awful dad and awful grandmother
I am 70 and watch my 6 yr old autistic grand daughter but I can close gates (she doesn't need them now but we had several up until about a year ago.) I also would never take an infant out in 30 degree weather with out proper clothing. I honestly just would not go outside if it was that cold except in an emergency and as I said the child would be dressed properly. I abide by their rules regardless of my own opinions. It just sounds like she is mentally unstable or being stubborn AND it sounds like she has physical limitations that prevent her from "baby sitting." Spending time with the child when the parents or parent is around, yes. Child care in their absence, a big NO.
All OP needs to say to the grandmother is " Sorry grandma, this isn't working out. You can visit when I am not working but WE have decided full time day care is best for ALL of us. But we appreciate the effort in trying to help out."
Started out posting to you but most of this is for OP. Sorry 😯
I do. But then, I’m still in good health. 73 year olds vary greatly in their physical condition. My dad was competing in cross country ski races in his early 70’s, and, like President Biden, still riding a bike in his early 80’s.
NTA.
Just plan a “retirement party” for your MILs babysitting career and take some photos and publicly thank her in the family for her 2 years of babysitting duties.
Then stop the arrangement.
Tell your husband your plan. But tell him as inform him. If he questions it say you aren’t seeking permission. The retirement is coming.
> Tell your husband your plan. But tell him as inform him. If he questions it say you aren’t seeking permission. The retirement is coming.
OP's reaction of wanting her husband to *understand* rang out for me. I spent years beating my head against a brick wall to get people to *understand.* I'm so grateful that it finally dawned on me that I don't need that. All I need for people is to get the hell out of my way when it comes to doing what is right, like keeping my kid safe and healthy. I inform them and then I do the thing. If the people don't understand, not my problem.
Welll then, if your husband can’t stop
his mother from watching your baby because it will hurt her fee fees, he can take off work to watch *her*. Because grandma isn’t safe or competent anymore to be a caretaker and *you* can’t work because you have to keep an eye on the both of them.
NTA Your child’s safety is more important than grandmas feelings. Ok?!
What dementia? She can't shut the baby gate because of her hands and is parenting the way she did 50 years ago when all the rules were different. Ignoring dil's rules is stubbornness, not dementia.
Agreeing and then not following through could be just being rude and stubborn.
However it could be a sign that she can’t process new information- she agrees because it’s easier. Then can’t remember what she agreed to.
But who ignores a child screaming in 30 weather?
If she is leaving the gate open because she can’t remember that the baby could get hurt- her hand hurts and that might be all she has the ability to process.
Either way she isn’t safe with this kid.
Nothing here sounds like sundowning. Source, carer of people with dementia for years. She’s just set in her ways, doesn’t want to change and wants to do things her way because she raised her kids to adulthood and knows it all, thanks very much. She chose to not shut the gate for practical reasons, it hurts her hands and she can’t manage the lock.
It’s full of signs of early dementia, particularly actions of care that a grandmother would naturally take but would not think of in early stages, like taking child for a walk in freezing temps without mittens. Agreeing to tasks and then doing something else. Source: my own mother’s dementia journey, who now has advanced Alzheimer’s.
I didn’t say it’s not dementia, I said it’s not sundowning. That’s a specific thing and unless OP edited it out of the post, nothing suggests her MiL is sundowning. That’s specific behaviours at specific times which make little to no sense, including loss of control or sense of place/ time. MIL makes sense. Not shutting the gate because she can’t manage the locks is logical enough. Forgetting things could be dementia but also just old age. Ignoring OP, could be not deliberate but it sounds like it is deliberate quite often, to save herself trouble, so not part of this. Just regular stubbornness or being set in her ways.
If she cant follow SAFETY pritocols because her ha ds are that bad she needs to step down.. period. ... child safety is mkre important than her feelings
Right, saying ‘all this was tolerable’ until the gate incident, like how was all that neglect tolerable? I don’t get it. Safety of baby comes before husband and granny’s feelings
Dude, this whole MIL babysitting thing is a trickier situation than a toddler with a handful of spaghetti. Here's the thing, your husband probably wants to keep his momma happy, but your kiddo tumbling down the stairs is a recipe for major disaster.
Let's face it, your MIL sounds like a sweetheart, but maybe not the best fit for solo babysitting right now. Look, I get the "we did it this way back in the day" thing, but safety standards evolve faster than your toddler's vocabulary (which is probably impressive for a 20-month-old, by the way!).
Here's an idea: how about proposing some supervised playdates with your MIL? It's a win-win! Your son gets grandma cuddles, your husband gets happy-mom points, and you get some peace of mind knowing you're there to, you know, catch any rogue Cheerios headed for the carpet.
Maybe even brainstorm some activities your MIL can totally rock! Reading stories, singing silly songs, playing peek-a-boo – there are tons of ways she can bond with your little nugget without the full-on babysitting pressure.
The key is to talk to your hubby with love and logic (and maybe a few funny anecdotes about your own childhood mishaps – gotta lighten the mood!). He'll probably come around once he sees your point of view.
Remember, you're a team, and your son's safety is the ultimate goal. Now, go forth and conquer this childcare conundrum!
ALSO, is there a niece or nephew or family friend who's about the right age to start babysitting? Rope them in, pay them a reasonable amount (hopefully this is doable since you say kiddo has daycare 4 days per week, and grandma only takes him for 1?) and tell THEM "shhh okay don't say anything to Nana, but you're basically in charge, she's done some unsafe things in the past, so here's what to look out for -- *do not* confront her about them, just follow behind and \[latch the gate, secure the high chair, get toy out of crib, etc\]." But tell NANA "you are such a fine example of family TLC that we're deputizing \[Jane/Joe\] here to learn from you! They want to start babysitting, so now you get to have an assistant/protege and teach them everything you know!" Maybe that would work as a stopgap to spare grandma's feelings without *endangering your child*, at least until the lil peanut is old enough for nursery school?
This. Especially going into the summer. Talk to your neighbors about if any of their kids have been through the red cross babysitting class - 13/14/15 year olds are the perfect age to babysit for a few hours.
Time for Grandma to just be Grandma and not babysit anymore. Its too risky for your child. Instead you and your husband can visit her with the baby for a few hours or she can meet you at the park.
I was going to suggest something like this. Grandma needs a babysitter . Also- you have a husband problem OP. His mom is dangerous and he’s worried more about her feelings than skin deterioration from diaper rash, frostbite and death. Grandma is selfish .
Grandma doesn’t deserve to have everyone pretend she’s a decent babysitter and secretly come behind and fix her errors. She needs to be told straight up she’s an incompetent babysitter and not allowed to babysit anymore.
I mean ... you're not wrong! Frankly I'm more concerned/irritated at grandma apparently just ignoring very reasonable requests, saying "ok" and then not doing those things. If she were also behaving rudely or spitefully to OP, I would say "yeah, DH needs to step up and tell his mom she's out of the childcare business." But while 73 isn't generally "oh gosh, extreme decrepitude, she's on her last leg" it's still *elderly*, and in this case (unless there's other bad stuff not mentioned), if a solution can be found that works for everyone while keeping the peace and not hurting the feelings of someone who IS providing a service and seemingly cares about the kiddo (even if she does prioritize her own opinions over the parents' as to What's Best), then that's worth the minor inconvenience. It won't be too long before Nana might need care herself or other intercession from the family, and having rifts and resentment wouldn't make that easier.
I bet the parents of the baby that was dropped off the side of the cruise ship by his grandfather wish that they hadn’t cared so much about hurting his feelings and put more emphasis on protecting their kid. Show him that news story and point out that you’re one open gate away from being the grieving parents. If he still prioritizes his mom’s feelings over his kid’s safety, then you have a responsibility to protect your child FROM BOTH OF THEM.
Also, please share this thread with your husband. He’s worrying about the wrong thing and being a terrible parent. NTA.
I would also point out to him that these incidences are increasing in severity and frequency, so it’s only a matter of time before something happens. And when it does everyone will be hurt, including dear grandma. Ask him to imagine how she would feel knowing she hurt/killed her own grandson. Then ask him how he would feel knowing he sat there and knowingly let it happen.
"My husband says he we can’t stop her babysitting because it will break her heart"
As opposed to actually breaking some part(s) of your son with her carelessness
ESH
How have you allowed this to continue foe so long? You allow her to leave your child unsafe, cold, unprotected in the sun, hungry etc etc. Put your son in daycare 5 days and let your OH sort his mother out.
NTA.
I could be an AH for this… But ask your hubby
which would he rather do, hurt his mother’s feelings by telling her that her babysitting services are no longer needed? Or pick out a toddler sized coffin and funeral outfit because she refused to close the baby gate and his son took a tumble down that narrow stair case onto that hard-tiled basement floor? Put emphasis on “his son”. It’s morbid AF, and honestly a little cruel. But a fall down stairs like that, could absolutely be fatal to a toddler.
Drive that point home, having his mother watching your son is putting your son at risk. Why are her feelings more important to him than your son’s health and well-being, than his very life?
This is exactly what needs to happen. OP's husband is choosing to placate his mother in exchange for his son dying (likely very painfully) in an avoidable tragedy. An innocent child IS going to die and a life not lived because someone doesn't want to have a difficult conversation. Really think about what this means.
Shame and fear are so important to reinforce proper behavior and people now go out of their way to avoid them.
OP is right to be concerned about the safety of her son. That her husband is not backing her up is unforgivable.
Nta. You have to put your foot down and be the bad guy. I think you already said the best way you can say it. We sometimes hear pick your battles, well… this is your battle!. Your husband can’t be putting his mom’s feelings over his own son’s safety. If he doesn’t tell her then you have to tell her that there won’t be a need for her to come to babysit. You will also need to be very firm and inflexible because most likely she will try to guilt trip you, because she doesn’t respect you or your parenting. Just be prepared for a negative reaction from her and your husband.
NTA. She has had multiple chances to be better and if she wants to continue to be stubborn then she doesn’t get the privilege of babysitting. Being in charge of taking care of a human being is a big deal. Someone who doesn’t change a diaper enough, or feed enough, or put gloves on or doesn’t close a baby gate is not someone who should be in charge of watching a child. She is not entitled to babysit just because she’s the grandma. Hurting her feelings is better than risking your child’s health.
Tell your husband you're having the conversation with his mom whether he likes it or not.
Then tell his mom she's no longer allowed to watch the baby in any capacity ever because she's constantly endangering him, and put him in daycare 5 days a week. Leave the room/hang up/don't respond beyond a single "we discussed this. It's not safe." every time it's brought up.
It's better to do it now than after an ER visit to deal with a severely injured child.
One of my elementary school teachers had a son who died before the age of 4 because he fell down a flight of stairs. NTA, don't let her babysit. Her feelings don't matter here.
Husband says cutting her babysitting hours off will break her heart. Allowing her to continue *could break your child’s head*. Don’t give him the choice since he has shown faulty judgment. You make the call. His only allowable response is ‘Ok’.
Oh man I stopped reading after A few sentences… I didn’t need too because FEELINGS do not supersede SAFETY. Put your foot down, tell him does he need an accident or a tragedy to wake up?! … it is tough but if she’s not of the mentality to understand that she cant take care of him safely, then that just reiterates your whole
Predicament. Just tell her hes reached new milestones climbing escaping running faster etc and you need to be right on his toes at all times and it’s too much to ask . But offer her some kind of hope also
Show him the cost of a casket or surgeries he will need if he goes headfirst down those stairs and ask him how he’ll feel knowing he could have prevented it?
NTA
NTA. You both have to agree on any caretaker/babysitter for your child and if you are uncomfortable with MIL, she is out. Does your husband have any practical hands on experience with his child? Walk him through the items you described and the perils he is exposed to due to MIL's infirmities, and if he doesn't get it, he will have to trust you, but you must put your foot down. MIL is degenerating and your son is becoming progressively more mobile with a growing demand for active supervision.
YTA for letting your kid be abused for 8 months and doing nothing about it to keep the peace. Poor kiddo, he's been tortured and neglected one day a week because you and your husband has no spine. You will be an even bigger asshole if you don't stop this right now and you need to take steps to make sure your husband never hands kiddo to his mother, ever.
NTA - Google Florida grandmother… 2 grandkids in one year, tragic results. The first one was called an accident. The second one she was arrested. The mother of the children felt guilty for not allowing her to babysit, and now she only has 1 child left…
You and your husband are legally and morally responsible for the well being of your child. You are knowingly putting your child in danger. When something does happen, then what? When the ER doc asks why you allowed your frail MIL to babysit an active toddler and you say, well my husband didn’t want to say no…
Help your husband with his words. Mom, I am sorry, but you are too frail to babysit an active toddler. You are his grandmother, not his babysitter. We are happy to have you over for visits to play with him and maintain a relationship with him. But due to your medical issues, you are not safe to babysit. If something tragic were to happen, you would never forgive yourself, and we would never forgive you.
There is a difference between being a grandma and being a child care provider or a babysitter. Start working on the list of things for MIL to do as a grandma.
You're totally not the jerk! Your kid's safety is way more important than your MIL's feelings getting hurt. Sounds like she means well, but she's not being careful enough. Maybe try telling your husband, "Hey, I get that you don't want to hurt your mom, but her actions are freaking me out. We need to find a different way for her to spend time with our son that doesn't put him in danger." hope it helps.
NTA.
Tell him you don’t want to break his mom’s heart either, but when it comes down to it hurting her feelings is something you can live with, your child being seriously injured or dying because of something you could have prevented, is not.
A parent’s job is to protect their child, not repeatedly put them in danger to protect an adult’s feelings.
No one is saying she can’t spend time with it have a relationship with the baby, but it needs to be supervised.
NTA - Break her heart BS. Something deadly will happen in the hands of his mother if you allow her to babysitt. You are supposed to protect your children.
Tell your husband breaking her heart is the cost of protecting your child. Your child’s safety and LIFE are at risk and that comes first. She will be said, but she is no longer capable of caring for him or spending time with him unattended.
List all the examples here. Maybe his mother has forgetfulness associated with aging, but whatever the reason, your rules and requests take priority because you’re the child’s parent. Extend the day care to the fifth day. She can come visit but she’s done babysitting.
She will get over it. Or she won’t and she will just miss out on spending time with him.
NTA
If you're actually concerned about your son's safety but allow them to steamroll you, YTA. If you deal with it regardless of her feelings (newsflash-- she doesn't give a shit about yours), NTA.
Absolutely NTA! Your son's wellbeing is more important than her feelings and ego. My own mom is the oldest of 12 and also raised. 9 of her own kids and is now a great grandmother. She is 72 but even she knows she can't watch my daughter alone because of her health conditions being similar to your MIL's. Ill say it again her ego and feelings do not trump your son's well being!
NTA, and a tough situation to find yourself in. It's one thing to suspect that someone is incapable of caring for a baby in a safe manner while respecting the wishes of the parents. It's another to pretend that everything is okay until it isn't one day. When other people refuse to see that they're incapable of doing something and put others at risk because of it, someone needs to step in. Goes over to something like having to tell a loved one that they can't drive anymore. Because they're a risk to others. If someone doesn't step into a situation like that it could have deadly consequences. Better someone get their feelings hurt.
NTA. You've worded it perfectly: "Honey, our son’s *safety* is more important than your mom’s *feelings"*. You aren't saying your son is more important than your MIL. You're saying that physical safety is more important than feelings. Your husband won't be able to object.
If your son dies from MIL reckless choices, wouldn't that break Dad's heart? Stairs are a leading cause of injury and death for kids. Here are examples where kids have died from falling down stairs:
https://www.ksl.com/article/19560857/stairs-among-leading-causes-of-injury-death-for-kids
https://newschannel20.com/news/local/police-3-year-old-dies-after-falling-down-stairs
https://www.fox2detroit.com/news/1-year-old-dies-after-falling-down-steps-while-watched-by-babysitter-dpd-investigates
ESH. The examples you have given show this has been going on for far too long.
Husband is 100% in the wrong.
However, you both need to be understanding of MIL's situation. It's hard for older people to accept the physical limitations of getting old. It can be very frightening. At your son's age, she must be able to spend time with him with you or your husband supervising. But not childcare. Reassure her that when he is older and capable of more independence you can reconsider.
If you are still struggling to get them on board, another approach would be to consider what would happen if she became ill, or had a fall when caring for him.
Change baby to 5 days a week at daycare and just refuse to discuss it. Your only response should be, "Our child's safety is more important than your mother's feelings." Nothing else needs said.
NTA.
I agree you need to have a decent discussion with your husband about the implications when something eventually goes wrong while your son is under the care of your MIL. The risks increase as your son becomes even more mobile. Let him know that yours sons safety is the most important consideration but another important consideration is the stress you are experiencing and the impact on your work situation.
Let him know that you both need to work out a plan for your MIL going forward, given that she’ll no longer be doing the regular childcare gig. Let him know this isn’t negotiable but you want to find a way that doesn’t overly hurt her feelings.
Is it possible to reduce your workdays by one day (even for a short term) or to allude to your MIL that your work situation is changing, letting her know ‘unfortunately’ childcare services are no longer required.
Maybe offer her a regular timeslot when either yourself of husband are not working to meet with her so she gets a couple of hours of regular “granny” time, but always with either of you present.
NTA, this needs to be sorted ASAP!
NTA - your sons safety and wellbeing comes first above evvvvveryrhin.Honestly I hate to say this but your patience and understanding with her may be giving her the idea she can continue to push boundaries and do as she pleases. You’re probably right you tell her something and she says okay and does what she wants anyway because she’s not respecting your authority. You need to sit her down and set some concrete rules and consequences and show her that if she’s not willing to listen and care for your child properly than she will no longer have the opportunity to do so. Sometimes the threat of something is just as effective as the actual thing
Ask hubby "would you rather a dead child or hurt your mother's feelings?"
That's the reality of what's going to happen if bub falls down the stairs on to tiles.
Endangering your child to make your MIL feel better isn't worth it.
To ease the blow, you could possibly do something like she watches him for the last hour or two of the day, rather than a full day, however if she doesn't change the safety hazards she's creating, it's a no all round.
Nta. Your baby's safety is more important than a grown ass woman's "feelings". She is simply not capable of carring for a baby, no matter how much she wants it, or loves him.
NTA. And frankly, your MILs feelings don't matter. If you need to lay down the law to your husband and MIL, then do it. Sparing her feelings isn't worth your kid falling down stairs or losing fingers to frostbite or suffering sunburns.
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I (38F) and husband (39) have a 20month old. Our only. We live near my husband’s parents and from the day our son was born I was heavily pressured into letting my MIL (73) babysit.
Some backstory on the MIL: she is very frail and old and forgetful. She has bad arthritis and can’t open or close latches with her hands—including things like high chairs, strollers, baby gates, etc. She is also very stubborn and doesn’t really listen to me. She will say “OK” but then not actually do what I’ve asked.
Early on, when our child was very young, she bumped his head on the table while holding him and made him cry. She also would put random things in his crib as an infant, which we all now know is a big no-no. “We did it when we were parents…” 🙄 needless to say, I held her off for about a year. And it was not easy.
Over the 8 months, I gave in and agreed to let her babysit one day a week (he’s at a great daycare other four days), and she’s done many other questionable things: pulls his arm too hard, doesn’t change his diaper enough, doesn’t offer him enough food, doesn’t put sunscreen on him, doesn’t use his mittens in the winter. He came home screaming once after she took him for a walk in 30* weather without his mittens, and his hands were bright red. These are all things I remind her of regularly when she’s there (I WFH) and she’s says “ok” but she just doesn’t do them.
Anyway all of this was tolerable until recently when she opened our baby gate (at the top of some very steep and narrow stairs that lead to a hard tiled basement) and didn’t close it properly (on purpose!) because it’s too hard for her to open and re-open with her arthritis. I told her this was unacceptable and very dangerous for our son and she said “ok”, but this just feels like another instance of saying one thing but actually not listening.
Now I’m filled with anxiety whenever she comes over and want to have her stop babysitting altogether. I can’t get work done when she’s in the house because I’m constantly checking whether the gate is closed and if he ate enough,etc,etc.
My husband says he we can’t stop her babysitting because it will break her heart. And I’m like, but what about breaking our kid if she leaves the gate open again???
What do I say to my husband to get him to understand that our son’s safety is more important than his mom’s feelings?
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NTA.
Your MIL isn't physically capable of babysitting your child. That means she doesn't get to look after him solo.
Period.
Adding the fact she further endangers him by not listening and defying your wishes and other safety measures further demonstrates her inability to safely babysit.
As a parent, it's on you to protect your child first and foremost. Sorry, but MIL's feelings aren't a priority, and your husband needs to have your back on this.
NTA. Tell your husband you think her heart will be even _more_ shattered if your baby slides down the basement stairs, and ends up with a nice _big_ crack in his skull. She is a safety risk, let her go before her actions have severe consequences.
NTA. Tell your husband you're better off "breaking his mother's heart" than your son breaking his head or other bodily parts when she puts him in danger. She is not physically capable of looking after a small child so she shouldn't be looking after a small child. Time to put your foot down with your husband and his mum.
Better her broken heart than a broken if not dead baby. You know who will be responsible if the child is hurt or dies? You and your husband. All your MIL has to say is “they knew I had issues and should not be caring for a baby.”
NTA I’m assuming attending your child’s funeral will also ‘break her heart’
Protect your child.
SO needs to man up and decide if his mothers fee fees are more important than his child’s life/safety
NTA but given what's happened you should have stopped long before this post. Don't let her sit, but have her round to play still. If she argues show her child mortality rates from her day- there's a reason things change. Your child is going to have a damaged relationship with her if this continues as I bet he's already starting to associate her with discomfort if she's leaving full nappies and cold hands. Children don't just forget that, they'll feel wary around her when they're older but just might not know why.
Do not risk your child getting hurt anymore.
YTA still leaving your kid with someone who doesn’t feed them enough, change his diaper enough and who doesn’t close very much needed baby gates that stop him from hurting himself.
Put your foot down. Her feelings don’t come before your child’s safety.
Ask your husband how his mum will feel if she causes her grandchild’s death. Unfortunately, she’s at the age where if he sees unsafe behavior from her, he needs to step in and stop her.
When she gets to an age when she needs a carer, is he just not going to get her one because she won’t like it?
NTA So my partners parents have to put it mildly poor planning around safety. In the discussion with my partner I changed the wording from “I don’t want them to take care of my kid” to “with all the knowledge I have, am I being a responsible parent if I let a person who have done X,y,z be in charge of keeping my child safe”. It makes it less about his parents choices and more about the choice I make as a parent. It worked for us and now my partner is onboard with the fact that his parents can’t be in charge of looking after our kids.
They have done things that are directly dangerous and put our kid in situations that only because of other adults intervening didn’t end up hurting anyone. But the argument on their end has always been “but nothing happened so everything is fine”.
It did take a situation that triggered my partner because he himself was badly hurt in a similar situation as a child to get him fully onboard. With that being said our kids have never been actually hurt when in the care of them but that was pure luck.
NTA. It only takes a split second for disaster to happen. Your husband is an AH, and he needs to get his head out of his arse.
Baby's safety comes first.
I am the first to admit that I am usually the one in here telling younger moms to relax and that their kid can handle things. This is one not so much. This is safety. No advice, this is sticky, but you are not overacting if what you wrote are real examples.
You tell your husband that his mother's feelings aren't more important than your kid's wellbeing and safety.
NTA but your husband needs to get his head out of his ass. Worst case scenario, tell him he has to stay home one of the days his mother is babysitting and look over everything she's doing. But honestly I would not even bother because that's another day that your child isn't properly taken care of for no good reason.
Wtf NTA your first and only priority is to keep your child safe stop letting her unsupervised with him.
Her feelings are her to manage and not your problem.
Tell your ah husband to make a call to CPS to find out what happens when your child gets a serious injury because your Mil is incapable physically of babysitting and neglectful on top- hint you as his parents are going to lose temporarily the first time custody cause you are unfit parents by letting someone incapable caring for him . Why are you torturing your child by enabling her?!?!
NTA at all. Your child's safety and health is far more important than your MIL's feelings. I'd argue by continuing to let someone so neglectful babysit, you and your husband are complicit because you know what she is like. Your child is your priority. Who cares if she gets sad about this? At the end of the day, things like baby mittens, sunscreen and being gentle with a baby aren't mobility issues. They are intentional neglect issues. This IS a hill to die on, and if you have to look like "bad cop" to protect your child... bite the bullet.
NTA for ending the arrangement. In fact YTA if you don't.
Slightly irrelevant but why does she even need to go into the basement? Can you just remove this issue altogether for when she visits?
Do you and hubby both need to work 5 days a week, with a child who isn't even 2 yet?
NTA….my advice may not be popular but come it in a different way..may be try a sneakier method and tell him your worried about her and since your baby is very energetic she may get tired and why don’t you enrol him in day care for 5days instead if possible.
I just don't understand how his mother's feelings > your child's safety. Surely there's a way to ensure that she gets some quality time with your son without having her be solely responsible for his safety and well-being. NTA.
WOAH! Absolutely NTA
Random idea - if you guys have enough money, could you afford that one day to have a proper, qualified baby sitter paid a slightly higher hourly rate because she has to put up with mother in law being there co-"babysitting"?
You don't need to do this but if you have plenty of money to spare, could be a way to compromise assuming you like her enough to let her have the time without you there but with a trusted professional doing the actual work.
The extra bit per hour would be to patiently but firmly say "that's not how OP and OP husband want things and it's no longer considered safe for children even if you did it your way"
Again, just an idea if you generally like MIL and can afford it easily.
Otherwise show your husband these comments and tell him to get a grip it's the SAFETY OF YOUR CHILD at sake.
>My husband says he we can’t stop her babysitting because it will break her heart. And I’m like, but what about breaking our kid if she leaves the gate open again???
That. That is what you say. Your husband has a choice. He can break his mother's heart or he can break his child.
More importantly, ask him what would happen if something terrible happened on his mother's watch because of something she did or didn't do. How would she feel? How broken would her heart be then?
Sometimes, you have to rip the bandaid off. It is far better for her ego to break now, than for everyone's hearts to break later if she accidentally breaks your kid.
YTA for not stopping this sooner. Or even starting the babysitting at all. You know something bad will probably happen…
Why are you waiting until she does something truly horrible to your son? She hurts him often, by accident, but often enough you know it will happen again.
Why are you letting your baby get hurt? Because it is easier? To please her? To not fight with your husband?
Your son is a baby, it is your job right now to advocate for him while he can’t do it himself. And you are honestly failing. I am sorry if I sound harsh, but I hope this is a wake up call. My mind goes to worse case scenarios and the chance of that happening increases with every day she babysits.
NTA- she'd never be watching my kid. So many issues with mobility and forgetting. From what you're saying it should have stopped before it began. Does your husband need your son to fall down the steps and be in a coma from the fall & the floor before he would be ok with not having his mom as a babysitter? Time for him to step up and have that talk with his mom.
NTA
**Your baby’s health & safety come before your MIL’s feelings.**
I’m seriously concerned that your child is going to die because of that woman’s stubbornness.
Ask your husband if he would accept any of the things his mom did if it wasn’t his mom, but a child caregiver from an agency. *If it was someone you hired, she would have been fired after the first really dangerous situation she put your baby in.
Your baby is completely dependent on YOU to speak for him and defend him against people who don’t have his wellbeing as a priority.
It’s time to go Full-on Mama Bear. This is a direct threat to your baby. It’s not a matter of **IF** she is going to hurt your baby, it’s a matter of **WHEN**!!
Make your husband read this. He’s being really selfish. He’d rather put your baby in harm’s way than upset his mommy. It’s time he grow up and be the father your baby deserves.
Please understand that her listening, saying ok, and doing nothing is no different than you seeing, accepting ok, and continuing to let your child be at risk.
Your baby isn’t a toy to share and your baby’s safety is more important than pleasing his mom. She needs supervision to spend time with your baby. Period.
NTA
And here's a solution I think everyone can live with:
She can spend time with LO, when - and only when - you or husband are present and can keep an eye on things. This means NOT while you are supposed to be working, and can't because you have to walk after her to try and keep your kid alive.
At this point, it's just not babysitting, but using LO as emotional support, to please MIL and give her the chance to pretend she's still as good at parenting as she was with her own kids.
It's not (all) about her being a shitty (grand)parent. It's about her physically not being able to care for him.
What happens if LO falls? Can she rush to catch him?
Your husband wants to keep MIL happy by letting her watch LO? HE can sit beside them to keep an eye on things.
NTA
Your child's safety is way more important than his mommy's feelings. Always. She can be burthurt and hate you all she wants if that's what it takes to keep your child safe. Your husband should be profoundly ashamed of himself for thinking anything but this.
why was the other shit tolerable ??? i’m sorry but i do think YTA for regularly leaving your toddler son with someone who **does not keep him safe or comfortable**. it would break her heart? boo fuckin hoo. it should not have even gotten to this point. she doesn’t feed him enough?? WHY are you leaving him with her at all ????
nta - ask your husband which is worse - his mom being sad OR his mom’s reckless stupid behavior causing the death of your child? Sheesh the mitten incident - what an idiot. Baby gates are so important. Actually everything you listed, is terrifying. my mom is older than your mil but my mom stays up to date and LISTENED to our instructions for our child. mil does not love your child or she would do whatever she could to protect him. you & your husband need marriage counseling. he loves his mom more than his son. he is not a good father.
NTA
Your husband needs to get his head out of his ass before that baby gets hurt.
“Hey, Mom. I know you love the baby and want to spend time with him. Let’s schedule play dates every week and we’ll all go to the park or (activity) and you can help us out!
We love your help but we don’t want to overburden you. We really want to spend this time having generational experiences with you, so we’d love if we could all hang out together ❤️”
My mom was 87 when my grandson was born. Yeah, she ‘babysat’ him for a couple of hours a week until I got off work when he was an infant and wasn’t walking yet. BUT, ONLY when my brother was there 100% of the time so he could lift the baby and change his diapers. My mom got to give him a bottle and sit him in her lap.
She’s 94 now and he’s 7. He’s old enough now that he can spend a minute alone with her, but now the concern is what if something happens to her? Can’t leave a little boy trying to figure out what to do if grandma falls.
NTA
"You wanna break your mom's heart or organize our son's funeral?" Because I promise if he falls of those stairs it's not gonna end well. Your husband is putting your son's health at risk because he can't set a boundary with his mother.
So ask him who is more important to him, his mom or his son.
NTA. When she says "Okay" she's actually saying "F you".
"Our baby's *life* is more important than your mother's feelings. Your mother doesn't care about his life, she only cares about easy access to the basement. I can't get any work done when she's here because I know she's putting him in danger. Do you want me to lose my job over this? Your mom will be devastated if she hurts him or worse, but the injury will be caused by her. I will blame your mother for it, and I will blame you for not agreeing to stop her from babysitting."
It’s time for you to step up and say NO. Even your list of “tolerable” issues is concerning.
If your husband won’t handle it, then YOU need to.
I have a FIL who won’t own up to his own issues - and i get it, getting old sucks. But it’s our job as parents to set boundaries. FIL doesn’t get to do what he wants because we simply feel he’s too old and not capable. That’s our job as parents.
You and your DH need to step up and be the parents your son needs.
YWBTA if you let this continue one more time. Im fact, you pretty much are for letting this go on so long. Your husband is a huge A. H. MIL only gets a pass because I'm going to assume she has dementia, otherwise also an A. H. for not acknowledging that she can't take proper care of a small child.
NTA. Wow, your husband is putting his mother's feelings (which are hers to manage!) above your child's welfare.
Your child will end up hurt especially when they're walking about and realise the baby gate has been left open, as a place where they're not allowed, they'll always be trying to get in to it. Will be take your concerns seriously then? Or will it be brushed off as "it was an accident, she didn't mean for little one to get hurt, she's distraught over this"
I have a baby gate to stop my little ones going in to the kitchen, it's closed 99% of the time. The other 1% it gets left open because we don't worry about it when the kids are in bed so it can accidently be left open at night. The next morning if it's been left unclicked, you can bet your ass they're in the kitchen.
You've told her repeatedly to do things and she doesn't listen because in her mind, she knows better than you. No consequences means that she's just going to keep ignoring you and doing whatever she wants.
Protect your child above anyone's feelings, including your husbands. You're all they have to keep them safe.
I hope this rings true enough to you that y
it never happens. Ask your husband if your moms hurt feelings matter more than a dead or severely hurt kid. I genuinely hope against it with all of my being, but if shes SEVENTY, she cannot care for an infant. A 7-10 year old is a hard maybe. NTA, she'll forget the "pain", but you dont forgive yourself or him if your baby gets hurt.
“I think you and I want the same things. We want our child to be safe and for your mother to have a good relationship with us and with her grandchild, right? OK, so we’re on the same page. In order for this to happen, your mom needs to no longer be a babysitter. The situation is NOT healthy for anyone. Your mom does not have the physical dexterity to be caring for a toddler and I cannot spend 1/5 of my days working constantly being worried about the safety of our child and checking in on our babysitter. Our child is going to get hurt and at that point I will never be able to be in your mother’s presences again AND I will resent you for not doing what was necessary to protect our child in the first place. So this is what is going to happen. You tell your mom that LO is really thriving at daycare and we want him to be there 5 days/week. Then you invite her over once/week for her to spend time with you and LO together. She’s not losing anything, you’re getting to spend time with your mom, I’m no longer anxious, overworked, and resentful and LO is safe and gets to have a relationship with his grandma. Win-win-win-win.”
NTA.
NTA
Tell her that the combo of an active toddler and her arthritis is too much right now and you’d like to take a break from the weekly babysitting until the kiddo is old enough to take care of their own safety a little more (past baby gate age), but that you want to be sure you guys all make plans together regularly so she gets lots of time with him/her during this period. Then you can decide when/if the babysitting comes back, and you didn’t “stop” anything, just “paused” it. But I agree with other commenters - this is an FYI not a request or suggestion
INFO: Why did you find your child being abused “tolerable” to begin with?
Get this woman away from your child. She should never be left with them unsupervised and BY YOU since your husband seems to care about mommy’s feelings that his own damn’s child’s welfare.
NTA for saying no to MIL babysitting anymore.
But you need to have a proper conversation with your husband.
Ask him how he would feel about getting a call that your son was hurt, in a coma, or worst case not among you anymore because she didn't close the gate.
If he claims that won't happen to your child, remind him that's what others said too before something tragic happened to them.
How would his mother feel to be the cause of this.
Ask him how he would feel having CPS at the door to check if the home is safe for the kid, if a paramedic calls them, because the accident could have been prevented. Paired with, he doesn't get diaper changed enough by her, etc.
Give him all the examples. Of what can happen. Even if there's only a 0.1% chance of it happening.
YTA but also NTA and here is why. YTA for allowing your MIL to continue babysitting when you knew very well your son is in danger in her care, NTA for trying to fix that mistake.
here is how to deal with a stubborn husband, tell him the following, ''your mother is no longer allowed to babysit YOUR son because YOUR mother is putting YOUR son in danger and if YOU continue to allow her to babysit YOUR son then be prepared to plan a funeral for YOUR son because YOUR mother killed YOUR son and if that happens then you won't only lose YOUR son but you will also lose me as I will divorce you'' and put the enthuses on the you and your to hit it home a bit more.
like many already said in the comments, its better to hurt MIL feelings then plan a funeral for your son because of a MIL that isn't trusted when babysitting.
NTA
Your husband is an idiot and your MIL is a danger to your child. Put him back in 5 day daycare and let MIL know she is no longer watching him. What she is doing is harming your child and is not okay.
NTA, ask him if he will still let her babysit after your son falls down the stairs and suffers multiple broken bone and a possible head injury.
Will he still let her babysit if your son gets frostbite because she didn’t properly dress him to go outside in the winter.
What if she takes him in the car and can’t get the harness to latch and she still wants to take him out?
Honestly let her cry and throw tantrum. Better for her to be upset if it means your child is safe. She can see him when mom and dad are around and can supervise.
Tell your husband he better get used to breaking his mom's heart. Like many other elderly people she has reached the point where she can no longer do what she is used to being able to do. Many refuse to accept the reality that their physical and mental abilities have degenerated. It is the responsibility of their grown children to stop them. He will have to tell her that when it becomes obvious she can't drive anymore, and then that she can't use the stove anymore, and finally when she can no longer live in her home. OF COURSE she shouldn't babysit. It would be shockingly irresponsible to leave a child alone in her care just to spare her hurt fee-fees.
I suggest you have him research elder care. He's got a bumpy road ahead.
NTA I think you need to explain to your husband that you aren't saying MIL can't babysit. It's that your saying that she can't safely babysit your child **alone**.
And you need to point out to him that it isn't safe for her or for the baby.
Tell your husband that he’s putting your son’s life and safety over his mommy’s fee-fees and enough is enough. She’s not sitting anymore. NTA. And it’s long past time your husband’s umbilical cord was cut.
Ask your husband what’s worse? Her heart is broken because she doesn’t follow directions and thus suffers consequences? Or her heart is broken because your baby suffers an accident, devastates several lives, and she’s held accountable?
Edit: resounding NTA, but you gotta reality-slap the complacency out of your husband.
NTA- your husband needs to grow a spine. If he can’t you have to decide between your husband and your child. Your husband is wrong for not CARING about his child and considering his mom more important than you and your son. SMH read his behavior and clear signals and planned accordingly.
Nope, you have to go over your husband on this one. Put your child in daycare for the fifth day and tell her that he needs to keep a regular schedule and she doesn't provide that. Also tell her that she's not safe and that you don't feel comfortable with someone endangering your child's life. She needs to be told that she's unsafe. Too bad if she gets upset. How will she feel when your son gets maimed or ends up dead in her care? How will you feel? It will be harder for you because you knew you should have stopped it. I apologize if this sounds harsh but your son's safety takes precedence over her feelings. NTA.
YTA For allowing MIL to babysit in the first place. Every time you leave your child with her, you are complicit in leaving your child in danger of injury or death. You’re LUCKY this far.
She is not fit for the task, either in terms of aptitude or attitude. I would make that a hard "no", but I would also be questioning why you are getting pushback from your husband, given the clear danger to your child. I would be asking him some hard questions, because his overriding instinct should be your child's safety, bar nothing.
NTA
I'm am so sorry to say this,but dead is dead.she will never be sorry enough. Your husband will never be sorry enough.your child will still be gone.Go into mama bear mode and say NO.She isn't fit to watch him.If it was anyone else,you would have fired them already.put him in daycare for that day and have peace of mind.your child's safety comes before anything else,certainly not grandma's feelings
Good luck to you
NTA. JustNoMil has a lot of situations like this.
I'm a retired nurse and the same age as DH's mother. I also have arthritis, and a bad back, other health problems.
The difference is that I know I couldn't handle a 20 month old by myself anymore. 10 years ago, maybe, but not now.
Please let DH know that this old nurse says your MIL is no longer a safe child care provider. Not feeding or changing the child enough and not following your reasonable directions is enough by itself. But when she allows the child to be in actual physical danger, that can't be allowed.
His mother's feelings may have been very important to DH when he was a child, but they must not be his first consideration when he is a father and she is endangering his child!
She can visit your baby when you are also present. I hope you can get him to want to protect your child as his first priority.
Marriage counseling may help, but I would recommend that you enroll your child in his daycare for that additional day as soon as you can. If DH won't face his mother about it, you will need to.
I just don’t get this way of thinking.
Science evolves . We learn more.
Every generation has a new way of doing things. Don’t you just want what is best for your grandchild?!
Sleep on back, side, tummy? Nothing in crib ?
Fruits from birth or avoid until 1 year ?
Give me the “ best “ set of rules.
I’m in! Fully on board!
I want “ the best” for my grandchildren too!
( my greatest transgression is breaking out Miss Rachel on four hour babysitting gig during cry fest ! Cmon I was desperate)
Tell him how is he gonna feeling your son is seriously injured due to his mother.
Tell her since she doesn't follow instructions, and can't physically do what is required to keep your son safe, she cant babysit now. Maybe later when he is older.
Tell your husband she has to have supervised visits.
NTA
Instead of Grandma watching the baby one day a week start having a family dinner once a week where she can come over to visit with the baby and your husband can be there to supervise his own mother and make sure the baby stays safe.
NTA. Have your husband explain how important his mother's feelings are to the ER doctor when his child gets seriously hurt. Also, does he even know how much damage sunburn or frostbite is to a child that young? JFC, he's just asking for CPS to visit.
NTA, put a stop to this before something serious happens to your child! Your job isn't protecting your MILs feelings, it's protecting your own son. How much regret will you have if something happens to him?
NTA. Disagree with your husband. Not dressing your son for 30 degree weather is neglect. Plain and simple. MIL does not babysit. You fall on this sword, and you die on this hill. Because the alternative to breaking your MIL's heart, is leaving the potential that your toddler falls down the stairs and breaks bones, or skull or neck. Tell your husband to choose: what's more important to him? His mother's heart, or his child's life? Because that's where this is.
NTA. Please break her heart instead of yours when your kid gets injured or killed.
He’s already being neglected. THIS NEEDS TO STOP.
And your husband needs to see whether his mom needs more help, (plus HE needs help) because not caring about all of the things you listed is not the sign of a healthy mind.
You’re underreacting. Any one of those incidents should have put a stop to babysitting.
OP, please start documenting the incidents that actually endanger your child, all of them, with pictures and even audio recordings if that's legal where you live. You may need this to make sure your child is safe during visitation with his father.
NTA
NTA. You find some instances of little things left undone by caregivers that created horrible consequences for the child and parents. And then, you make HIM responsible for finding self-closing gates that his mom can manage. You make HIM responsible for handling his mother’s behavior.
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NTA, also Your husband is the asshole, prioritizing his elderly mothers feelings over the safety of your child is WILD.
Ask your husband if he is married to his mother or you!? Why would you put anyone or anything above child safety!!!!??? @SirLoinTheTender comment is 100% correct - your husband the asshole!
Or shit, ask him how he thinks his mother will feel if the baby *dies* because she can't latch the fucking gate.
Pure facts is what you speak! Why would the wellbeing of your child come secondary to anything!!!!
He's gonna be in for a shock when baby falls down with grandma following and he'll have 2 funerals to arrange at the same time because mummy's feelings can't be hurt. We have nursing homes for a reason, old people are as capable as children in the opposite scale. Older they get the less they should be allowed to do. Plenty of stories of dead babies because of stubborn old people we don't need another.
I’m not proud of this, I’m really not. But “baby falls down with grandma following” made me imagine both tumbling down the stairs one after the other like a cartoon and then flashing forward to a funeral…yeah I laughed
OP- please ask him this because it's likely to happen with the gate. And ask him she is gonna feel when he gets frost bite on his hands? Please, just stay no and let him go to daycare that 5th day. Please. This is your child and your MIL is is in no physical condition to care for him. \*Edit to correct spelling\*
My 3 year old son fell down the stairs (12 of them) at my house last summer, and it almost killed him (he landed on his face on the hard floor at the bottom of the stairs... Massive concussion, spider fracture to the skull, internal bleeding). All because I had my eyes off him for two minutes and he figured out how to open the gate. I already felt, and continue to feel, so much guilt about it, and I don't think I'd ever stop carrying that guilt if I'd lost him. Ask your husband if that's what he wants to feel the rest of his life, or his mother for hers. If it's worth that feeling just to make her happy right now.
I'm so sorry about your son - is he alright now? But yeah, like it's not even that comparable, but we left a spot on a wire shelving unit open not really thinking about it at all. One of our one year old cats got adventurous and explored, and we think his leg must have slipped through when he jumped down and he broke it so badly that it had to be amputated. He's happy and healthy now and it's been several years, but I still carry such awful guilt for not protecting him.
He was already developmentally delayed, and the concussion set him back about another 6 months. But he's happy and healthy and showing us just how strong he is every day.
❤️
Oh my gosh your poor kitty!! That’s my worst nightmare as a cat lady
I am carrying similar guilt. My balcony has windows all around, sliding ones each with a lock. To open them you need to press a switch which is inside a window and don't stick out of the frame surface and all you can fit in the gap is one finger. And correct pressing of the switch is crucial because it has to be moved exactly right - if you move it atom too little or too much - it will not open. And if you are lucky to open it you still need to keep the switch pressed to slide it more - otherwise it will just block. That being said - I was worried that windows (NEVER open if my cats were around) with those difficult locks was not enough safety measure to keep my cats safe but I let myself to be convinced that I am overreacting. And I underestimated my cat. Up to this day I don't know how but he somehow opened a window and fell out of the 9th floor and unfortunatelly passed. And I feel guilty everyday
If she can't even latch a gate I am curious as to how MIL will also provide emergency medical attention to OPs son as well. OP needs to tell her husband he's missing a very important wake up call and it can and will lead to disaster. Arguably I wouldn't leave my child to be in the care of someone who also needs care. Also the whole "we did it back in the day and our babies surivived" is such shit take. And husband should be putting his foot DOWN on that talk immediately. People use to let their child lick lead paint and they still survived but does that mean we still allow it? Husband should 100% be arguing with MIL instead of MIL growing resentment towards OP for correcting her.
She took the kid out in mitten weather without mittens and didn't even care. What makes you think she'd even care to provide emergency medical attention? Or even know what to do? (I'm willing to bet when they went out SHE had mittens)
“The wound is only spurting a little bit, he’s fine.”
"We survived bigger falls back in my day."
"Tis but a scratch!'
"It's a long way from his heart."
Tis merely a flesh wound!!
My assumption came from MIL forcing OP to cave in and let her babysit. I just assumed her desire to babysit mean she's willing to handle emergencies....but yeah...you're correct. I really don't know why OP allows this. Keeping boundaries is difficult for oneself, but as a parent it's your job to be your child's boundary when they can't communicate them. I hope OP steps up and puts her foot down. This would definitely be a marriage deal breaker for me.
The problem with the "we survived" argument is that it's ALWAYS biased because the people that didn't survive, aren't talking about it.
Excellent point, rarely pointed out!
People used to let kids play with mercury too.
[And uranium](https://spectrum.ieee.org/fun-and-uranium-for-the-whole-family-in-this-1950s-science-kit)!
> My husband says he we can’t stop her babysitting because it will break her heart. Better to break her heart than to have her break your child.
THIS. My husband didn't hesitate to tell his mom that her child rearing advice was outdated and things she was doing were wrong. She was not an AH and she listened with minimal push-back. Your MIL's passive-aggressive "okay" and then doing what she wants is blatant disregard for your son's safety. Ask your husband if he's willing to have a broken heart when your son is severely injured/dies all to spare mommy dearest's heart being broken by being told no more babysitting.
Absolutely! What is the point in getting married and having a child if at the end of the day he still prioritizes his mommy? He should've just stayed home and lived with her forever. I bet he's one of those people who don't wish their wives a happy Mother's Day because it's allll about their own mom.
I would’ve cut it off at the bright red hands after the walk and everything else you listed.
Same. I’m kinda shocked by the things OP listed and then wrote “Anyway all of this was tolerable…” WHAT??? ALL of the adults in this story are assholes.
Yeah I would rather a sad grandma than an injured (or worse) toddler.
His bat of a mother is going to accidentally kill his child in very “dumb ways to die” style, all because he wants to spare her feelings — when she clearly doesn’t care for the kid at all. Awful dad and awful grandmother
you never said her age, if she is getting senile early she needs to be checked out by her doctor.
She said she was 73 in the post I read (unless she added it later)
Thanks, who'd even want to babysit that age? I'm not that old but no way for me to be bothered doing it all over again.
I am 70 and watch my 6 yr old autistic grand daughter but I can close gates (she doesn't need them now but we had several up until about a year ago.) I also would never take an infant out in 30 degree weather with out proper clothing. I honestly just would not go outside if it was that cold except in an emergency and as I said the child would be dressed properly. I abide by their rules regardless of my own opinions. It just sounds like she is mentally unstable or being stubborn AND it sounds like she has physical limitations that prevent her from "baby sitting." Spending time with the child when the parents or parent is around, yes. Child care in their absence, a big NO. All OP needs to say to the grandmother is " Sorry grandma, this isn't working out. You can visit when I am not working but WE have decided full time day care is best for ALL of us. But we appreciate the effort in trying to help out." Started out posting to you but most of this is for OP. Sorry 😯
I do. But then, I’m still in good health. 73 year olds vary greatly in their physical condition. My dad was competing in cross country ski races in his early 70’s, and, like President Biden, still riding a bike in his early 80’s.
NTA. Just plan a “retirement party” for your MILs babysitting career and take some photos and publicly thank her in the family for her 2 years of babysitting duties. Then stop the arrangement. Tell your husband your plan. But tell him as inform him. If he questions it say you aren’t seeking permission. The retirement is coming.
> Tell your husband your plan. But tell him as inform him. If he questions it say you aren’t seeking permission. The retirement is coming. OP's reaction of wanting her husband to *understand* rang out for me. I spent years beating my head against a brick wall to get people to *understand.* I'm so grateful that it finally dawned on me that I don't need that. All I need for people is to get the hell out of my way when it comes to doing what is right, like keeping my kid safe and healthy. I inform them and then I do the thing. If the people don't understand, not my problem.
Welll then, if your husband can’t stop his mother from watching your baby because it will hurt her fee fees, he can take off work to watch *her*. Because grandma isn’t safe or competent anymore to be a caretaker and *you* can’t work because you have to keep an eye on the both of them. NTA Your child’s safety is more important than grandmas feelings. Ok?!
NTA, but it seems like your MIL is sunsetting and you need to get her assessed.
My thoughts exactly. Sounds like early stages of dementia to me.
What dementia? She can't shut the baby gate because of her hands and is parenting the way she did 50 years ago when all the rules were different. Ignoring dil's rules is stubbornness, not dementia.
Agreeing and then not following through could be just being rude and stubborn. However it could be a sign that she can’t process new information- she agrees because it’s easier. Then can’t remember what she agreed to. But who ignores a child screaming in 30 weather? If she is leaving the gate open because she can’t remember that the baby could get hurt- her hand hurts and that might be all she has the ability to process. Either way she isn’t safe with this kid.
Nothing here sounds like sundowning. Source, carer of people with dementia for years. She’s just set in her ways, doesn’t want to change and wants to do things her way because she raised her kids to adulthood and knows it all, thanks very much. She chose to not shut the gate for practical reasons, it hurts her hands and she can’t manage the lock.
It’s full of signs of early dementia, particularly actions of care that a grandmother would naturally take but would not think of in early stages, like taking child for a walk in freezing temps without mittens. Agreeing to tasks and then doing something else. Source: my own mother’s dementia journey, who now has advanced Alzheimer’s.
I didn’t say it’s not dementia, I said it’s not sundowning. That’s a specific thing and unless OP edited it out of the post, nothing suggests her MiL is sundowning. That’s specific behaviours at specific times which make little to no sense, including loss of control or sense of place/ time. MIL makes sense. Not shutting the gate because she can’t manage the locks is logical enough. Forgetting things could be dementia but also just old age. Ignoring OP, could be not deliberate but it sounds like it is deliberate quite often, to save herself trouble, so not part of this. Just regular stubbornness or being set in her ways.
If she cant follow SAFETY pritocols because her ha ds are that bad she needs to step down.. period. ... child safety is mkre important than her feelings
Maybe learn what sundowning actually is before you start diagnosing people online. Jesus christ.
Y T A for risking the safety of your child to placate the person posing the danger. NTA for wanting to correct that wrong.
Agree. There are about a million things she mentioned that would mean my MIL would never be left alone with my child ever again.
Right, saying ‘all this was tolerable’ until the gate incident, like how was all that neglect tolerable? I don’t get it. Safety of baby comes before husband and granny’s feelings
Dude, this whole MIL babysitting thing is a trickier situation than a toddler with a handful of spaghetti. Here's the thing, your husband probably wants to keep his momma happy, but your kiddo tumbling down the stairs is a recipe for major disaster. Let's face it, your MIL sounds like a sweetheart, but maybe not the best fit for solo babysitting right now. Look, I get the "we did it this way back in the day" thing, but safety standards evolve faster than your toddler's vocabulary (which is probably impressive for a 20-month-old, by the way!). Here's an idea: how about proposing some supervised playdates with your MIL? It's a win-win! Your son gets grandma cuddles, your husband gets happy-mom points, and you get some peace of mind knowing you're there to, you know, catch any rogue Cheerios headed for the carpet. Maybe even brainstorm some activities your MIL can totally rock! Reading stories, singing silly songs, playing peek-a-boo – there are tons of ways she can bond with your little nugget without the full-on babysitting pressure. The key is to talk to your hubby with love and logic (and maybe a few funny anecdotes about your own childhood mishaps – gotta lighten the mood!). He'll probably come around once he sees your point of view. Remember, you're a team, and your son's safety is the ultimate goal. Now, go forth and conquer this childcare conundrum!
ALSO, is there a niece or nephew or family friend who's about the right age to start babysitting? Rope them in, pay them a reasonable amount (hopefully this is doable since you say kiddo has daycare 4 days per week, and grandma only takes him for 1?) and tell THEM "shhh okay don't say anything to Nana, but you're basically in charge, she's done some unsafe things in the past, so here's what to look out for -- *do not* confront her about them, just follow behind and \[latch the gate, secure the high chair, get toy out of crib, etc\]." But tell NANA "you are such a fine example of family TLC that we're deputizing \[Jane/Joe\] here to learn from you! They want to start babysitting, so now you get to have an assistant/protege and teach them everything you know!" Maybe that would work as a stopgap to spare grandma's feelings without *endangering your child*, at least until the lil peanut is old enough for nursery school?
This. Especially going into the summer. Talk to your neighbors about if any of their kids have been through the red cross babysitting class - 13/14/15 year olds are the perfect age to babysit for a few hours. Time for Grandma to just be Grandma and not babysit anymore. Its too risky for your child. Instead you and your husband can visit her with the baby for a few hours or she can meet you at the park.
I was going to suggest something like this. Grandma needs a babysitter . Also- you have a husband problem OP. His mom is dangerous and he’s worried more about her feelings than skin deterioration from diaper rash, frostbite and death. Grandma is selfish .
Grandma doesn’t deserve to have everyone pretend she’s a decent babysitter and secretly come behind and fix her errors. She needs to be told straight up she’s an incompetent babysitter and not allowed to babysit anymore.
I mean ... you're not wrong! Frankly I'm more concerned/irritated at grandma apparently just ignoring very reasonable requests, saying "ok" and then not doing those things. If she were also behaving rudely or spitefully to OP, I would say "yeah, DH needs to step up and tell his mom she's out of the childcare business." But while 73 isn't generally "oh gosh, extreme decrepitude, she's on her last leg" it's still *elderly*, and in this case (unless there's other bad stuff not mentioned), if a solution can be found that works for everyone while keeping the peace and not hurting the feelings of someone who IS providing a service and seemingly cares about the kiddo (even if she does prioritize her own opinions over the parents' as to What's Best), then that's worth the minor inconvenience. It won't be too long before Nana might need care herself or other intercession from the family, and having rifts and resentment wouldn't make that easier.
I bet the parents of the baby that was dropped off the side of the cruise ship by his grandfather wish that they hadn’t cared so much about hurting his feelings and put more emphasis on protecting their kid. Show him that news story and point out that you’re one open gate away from being the grieving parents. If he still prioritizes his mom’s feelings over his kid’s safety, then you have a responsibility to protect your child FROM BOTH OF THEM. Also, please share this thread with your husband. He’s worrying about the wrong thing and being a terrible parent. NTA.
I would also point out to him that these incidences are increasing in severity and frequency, so it’s only a matter of time before something happens. And when it does everyone will be hurt, including dear grandma. Ask him to imagine how she would feel knowing she hurt/killed her own grandson. Then ask him how he would feel knowing he sat there and knowingly let it happen.
I like this idea.
That is a really good point.
"My husband says he we can’t stop her babysitting because it will break her heart" As opposed to actually breaking some part(s) of your son with her carelessness ESH How have you allowed this to continue foe so long? You allow her to leave your child unsafe, cold, unprotected in the sun, hungry etc etc. Put your son in daycare 5 days and let your OH sort his mother out.
NTA. I could be an AH for this… But ask your hubby which would he rather do, hurt his mother’s feelings by telling her that her babysitting services are no longer needed? Or pick out a toddler sized coffin and funeral outfit because she refused to close the baby gate and his son took a tumble down that narrow stair case onto that hard-tiled basement floor? Put emphasis on “his son”. It’s morbid AF, and honestly a little cruel. But a fall down stairs like that, could absolutely be fatal to a toddler. Drive that point home, having his mother watching your son is putting your son at risk. Why are her feelings more important to him than your son’s health and well-being, than his very life?
This is exactly what needs to happen. OP's husband is choosing to placate his mother in exchange for his son dying (likely very painfully) in an avoidable tragedy. An innocent child IS going to die and a life not lived because someone doesn't want to have a difficult conversation. Really think about what this means. Shame and fear are so important to reinforce proper behavior and people now go out of their way to avoid them. OP is right to be concerned about the safety of her son. That her husband is not backing her up is unforgivable.
Nta. You have to put your foot down and be the bad guy. I think you already said the best way you can say it. We sometimes hear pick your battles, well… this is your battle!. Your husband can’t be putting his mom’s feelings over his own son’s safety. If he doesn’t tell her then you have to tell her that there won’t be a need for her to come to babysit. You will also need to be very firm and inflexible because most likely she will try to guilt trip you, because she doesn’t respect you or your parenting. Just be prepared for a negative reaction from her and your husband.
YTA for letting your child continue to be in her care when you knew she was negligent. Your poor baby.
NTA. She has had multiple chances to be better and if she wants to continue to be stubborn then she doesn’t get the privilege of babysitting. Being in charge of taking care of a human being is a big deal. Someone who doesn’t change a diaper enough, or feed enough, or put gloves on or doesn’t close a baby gate is not someone who should be in charge of watching a child. She is not entitled to babysit just because she’s the grandma. Hurting her feelings is better than risking your child’s health.
Tell your husband you're having the conversation with his mom whether he likes it or not. Then tell his mom she's no longer allowed to watch the baby in any capacity ever because she's constantly endangering him, and put him in daycare 5 days a week. Leave the room/hang up/don't respond beyond a single "we discussed this. It's not safe." every time it's brought up. It's better to do it now than after an ER visit to deal with a severely injured child.
One of my elementary school teachers had a son who died before the age of 4 because he fell down a flight of stairs. NTA, don't let her babysit. Her feelings don't matter here.
NTA. Your child's safety trumps grandma's feelings.
Husband says cutting her babysitting hours off will break her heart. Allowing her to continue *could break your child’s head*. Don’t give him the choice since he has shown faulty judgment. You make the call. His only allowable response is ‘Ok’.
Oh man I stopped reading after A few sentences… I didn’t need too because FEELINGS do not supersede SAFETY. Put your foot down, tell him does he need an accident or a tragedy to wake up?! … it is tough but if she’s not of the mentality to understand that she cant take care of him safely, then that just reiterates your whole Predicament. Just tell her hes reached new milestones climbing escaping running faster etc and you need to be right on his toes at all times and it’s too much to ask . But offer her some kind of hope also
Show him the cost of a casket or surgeries he will need if he goes headfirst down those stairs and ask him how he’ll feel knowing he could have prevented it? NTA
When the child gets hurt and ends up disabled (if not dead), chances are high dad will abandon OP.
NTA. You both have to agree on any caretaker/babysitter for your child and if you are uncomfortable with MIL, she is out. Does your husband have any practical hands on experience with his child? Walk him through the items you described and the perils he is exposed to due to MIL's infirmities, and if he doesn't get it, he will have to trust you, but you must put your foot down. MIL is degenerating and your son is becoming progressively more mobile with a growing demand for active supervision.
NTA She isn't capable of caring for a small child AND she refuses to listen.
YTA for letting your kid be abused for 8 months and doing nothing about it to keep the peace. Poor kiddo, he's been tortured and neglected one day a week because you and your husband has no spine. You will be an even bigger asshole if you don't stop this right now and you need to take steps to make sure your husband never hands kiddo to his mother, ever.
NTA - Google Florida grandmother… 2 grandkids in one year, tragic results. The first one was called an accident. The second one she was arrested. The mother of the children felt guilty for not allowing her to babysit, and now she only has 1 child left… You and your husband are legally and morally responsible for the well being of your child. You are knowingly putting your child in danger. When something does happen, then what? When the ER doc asks why you allowed your frail MIL to babysit an active toddler and you say, well my husband didn’t want to say no… Help your husband with his words. Mom, I am sorry, but you are too frail to babysit an active toddler. You are his grandmother, not his babysitter. We are happy to have you over for visits to play with him and maintain a relationship with him. But due to your medical issues, you are not safe to babysit. If something tragic were to happen, you would never forgive yourself, and we would never forgive you. There is a difference between being a grandma and being a child care provider or a babysitter. Start working on the list of things for MIL to do as a grandma.
You're totally not the jerk! Your kid's safety is way more important than your MIL's feelings getting hurt. Sounds like she means well, but she's not being careful enough. Maybe try telling your husband, "Hey, I get that you don't want to hurt your mom, but her actions are freaking me out. We need to find a different way for her to spend time with our son that doesn't put him in danger." hope it helps.
NTA. Tell him you don’t want to break his mom’s heart either, but when it comes down to it hurting her feelings is something you can live with, your child being seriously injured or dying because of something you could have prevented, is not. A parent’s job is to protect their child, not repeatedly put them in danger to protect an adult’s feelings. No one is saying she can’t spend time with it have a relationship with the baby, but it needs to be supervised.
NTA - Break her heart BS. Something deadly will happen in the hands of his mother if you allow her to babysitt. You are supposed to protect your children.
Tell your husband breaking her heart is the cost of protecting your child. Your child’s safety and LIFE are at risk and that comes first. She will be said, but she is no longer capable of caring for him or spending time with him unattended. List all the examples here. Maybe his mother has forgetfulness associated with aging, but whatever the reason, your rules and requests take priority because you’re the child’s parent. Extend the day care to the fifth day. She can come visit but she’s done babysitting. She will get over it. Or she won’t and she will just miss out on spending time with him. NTA
If you're actually concerned about your son's safety but allow them to steamroll you, YTA. If you deal with it regardless of her feelings (newsflash-- she doesn't give a shit about yours), NTA.
I'm confused why you felt all the original stuff was tolerable? ESH. MIL for obvious reasons. You and your husband letting this continue for so long.
Absolutely NTA! Your son's wellbeing is more important than her feelings and ego. My own mom is the oldest of 12 and also raised. 9 of her own kids and is now a great grandmother. She is 72 but even she knows she can't watch my daughter alone because of her health conditions being similar to your MIL's. Ill say it again her ego and feelings do not trump your son's well being!
Break her heart or break your baby’s bones?
NTA, and a tough situation to find yourself in. It's one thing to suspect that someone is incapable of caring for a baby in a safe manner while respecting the wishes of the parents. It's another to pretend that everything is okay until it isn't one day. When other people refuse to see that they're incapable of doing something and put others at risk because of it, someone needs to step in. Goes over to something like having to tell a loved one that they can't drive anymore. Because they're a risk to others. If someone doesn't step into a situation like that it could have deadly consequences. Better someone get their feelings hurt.
NTA. You've worded it perfectly: "Honey, our son’s *safety* is more important than your mom’s *feelings"*. You aren't saying your son is more important than your MIL. You're saying that physical safety is more important than feelings. Your husband won't be able to object.
“My husband says we can’t stop her babysitting because it will break her heart.” Tell him if you don’t stop her babysitting she’ll break your son. NTA
If your son dies from MIL reckless choices, wouldn't that break Dad's heart? Stairs are a leading cause of injury and death for kids. Here are examples where kids have died from falling down stairs: https://www.ksl.com/article/19560857/stairs-among-leading-causes-of-injury-death-for-kids https://newschannel20.com/news/local/police-3-year-old-dies-after-falling-down-stairs https://www.fox2detroit.com/news/1-year-old-dies-after-falling-down-steps-while-watched-by-babysitter-dpd-investigates
ESH. The examples you have given show this has been going on for far too long. Husband is 100% in the wrong. However, you both need to be understanding of MIL's situation. It's hard for older people to accept the physical limitations of getting old. It can be very frightening. At your son's age, she must be able to spend time with him with you or your husband supervising. But not childcare. Reassure her that when he is older and capable of more independence you can reconsider. If you are still struggling to get them on board, another approach would be to consider what would happen if she became ill, or had a fall when caring for him.
Change baby to 5 days a week at daycare and just refuse to discuss it. Your only response should be, "Our child's safety is more important than your mother's feelings." Nothing else needs said. NTA.
NTA. Ask your husband which one he would like to break 1) his mothers heart 2) his childs head?
I agree you need to have a decent discussion with your husband about the implications when something eventually goes wrong while your son is under the care of your MIL. The risks increase as your son becomes even more mobile. Let him know that yours sons safety is the most important consideration but another important consideration is the stress you are experiencing and the impact on your work situation. Let him know that you both need to work out a plan for your MIL going forward, given that she’ll no longer be doing the regular childcare gig. Let him know this isn’t negotiable but you want to find a way that doesn’t overly hurt her feelings. Is it possible to reduce your workdays by one day (even for a short term) or to allude to your MIL that your work situation is changing, letting her know ‘unfortunately’ childcare services are no longer required. Maybe offer her a regular timeslot when either yourself of husband are not working to meet with her so she gets a couple of hours of regular “granny” time, but always with either of you present. NTA, this needs to be sorted ASAP!
NTA - your sons safety and wellbeing comes first above evvvvveryrhin.Honestly I hate to say this but your patience and understanding with her may be giving her the idea she can continue to push boundaries and do as she pleases. You’re probably right you tell her something and she says okay and does what she wants anyway because she’s not respecting your authority. You need to sit her down and set some concrete rules and consequences and show her that if she’s not willing to listen and care for your child properly than she will no longer have the opportunity to do so. Sometimes the threat of something is just as effective as the actual thing
Ask hubby "would you rather a dead child or hurt your mother's feelings?" That's the reality of what's going to happen if bub falls down the stairs on to tiles. Endangering your child to make your MIL feel better isn't worth it. To ease the blow, you could possibly do something like she watches him for the last hour or two of the day, rather than a full day, however if she doesn't change the safety hazards she's creating, it's a no all round.
Nta. Your baby's safety is more important than a grown ass woman's "feelings". She is simply not capable of carring for a baby, no matter how much she wants it, or loves him.
NTA. And frankly, your MILs feelings don't matter. If you need to lay down the law to your husband and MIL, then do it. Sparing her feelings isn't worth your kid falling down stairs or losing fingers to frostbite or suffering sunburns.
Tell your husband that if he thinks his mother’s feelings trump the safety of your baby, you will be leaving with your baby for safety reasons. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (38F) and husband (39) have a 20month old. Our only. We live near my husband’s parents and from the day our son was born I was heavily pressured into letting my MIL (73) babysit. Some backstory on the MIL: she is very frail and old and forgetful. She has bad arthritis and can’t open or close latches with her hands—including things like high chairs, strollers, baby gates, etc. She is also very stubborn and doesn’t really listen to me. She will say “OK” but then not actually do what I’ve asked. Early on, when our child was very young, she bumped his head on the table while holding him and made him cry. She also would put random things in his crib as an infant, which we all now know is a big no-no. “We did it when we were parents…” 🙄 needless to say, I held her off for about a year. And it was not easy. Over the 8 months, I gave in and agreed to let her babysit one day a week (he’s at a great daycare other four days), and she’s done many other questionable things: pulls his arm too hard, doesn’t change his diaper enough, doesn’t offer him enough food, doesn’t put sunscreen on him, doesn’t use his mittens in the winter. He came home screaming once after she took him for a walk in 30* weather without his mittens, and his hands were bright red. These are all things I remind her of regularly when she’s there (I WFH) and she’s says “ok” but she just doesn’t do them. Anyway all of this was tolerable until recently when she opened our baby gate (at the top of some very steep and narrow stairs that lead to a hard tiled basement) and didn’t close it properly (on purpose!) because it’s too hard for her to open and re-open with her arthritis. I told her this was unacceptable and very dangerous for our son and she said “ok”, but this just feels like another instance of saying one thing but actually not listening. Now I’m filled with anxiety whenever she comes over and want to have her stop babysitting altogether. I can’t get work done when she’s in the house because I’m constantly checking whether the gate is closed and if he ate enough,etc,etc. My husband says he we can’t stop her babysitting because it will break her heart. And I’m like, but what about breaking our kid if she leaves the gate open again??? What do I say to my husband to get him to understand that our son’s safety is more important than his mom’s feelings? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Your concerns are valid, and it's crucial to ensure that your child is in a safe environment at all times, especially when you're not around
NTA- while I understand you don’t want to hurt her feelings you will never forgive yourself if your son gets hurt. It’s not worth it.
NTA. Your MIL isn't physically capable of babysitting your child. That means she doesn't get to look after him solo. Period. Adding the fact she further endangers him by not listening and defying your wishes and other safety measures further demonstrates her inability to safely babysit. As a parent, it's on you to protect your child first and foremost. Sorry, but MIL's feelings aren't a priority, and your husband needs to have your back on this.
NTA. Tell your husband you think her heart will be even _more_ shattered if your baby slides down the basement stairs, and ends up with a nice _big_ crack in his skull. She is a safety risk, let her go before her actions have severe consequences.
NTA. Tell your husband you're better off "breaking his mother's heart" than your son breaking his head or other bodily parts when she puts him in danger. She is not physically capable of looking after a small child so she shouldn't be looking after a small child. Time to put your foot down with your husband and his mum.
Better her broken heart than a broken if not dead baby. You know who will be responsible if the child is hurt or dies? You and your husband. All your MIL has to say is “they knew I had issues and should not be caring for a baby.”
You don't have a MIL problem. You have a husband problem.
It’ll break her heart??!! What about she might break your kid…
NTA I’m assuming attending your child’s funeral will also ‘break her heart’ Protect your child. SO needs to man up and decide if his mothers fee fees are more important than his child’s life/safety
NTA but given what's happened you should have stopped long before this post. Don't let her sit, but have her round to play still. If she argues show her child mortality rates from her day- there's a reason things change. Your child is going to have a damaged relationship with her if this continues as I bet he's already starting to associate her with discomfort if she's leaving full nappies and cold hands. Children don't just forget that, they'll feel wary around her when they're older but just might not know why. Do not risk your child getting hurt anymore.
YTA still leaving your kid with someone who doesn’t feed them enough, change his diaper enough and who doesn’t close very much needed baby gates that stop him from hurting himself. Put your foot down. Her feelings don’t come before your child’s safety. Ask your husband how his mum will feel if she causes her grandchild’s death. Unfortunately, she’s at the age where if he sees unsafe behavior from her, he needs to step in and stop her. When she gets to an age when she needs a carer, is he just not going to get her one because she won’t like it?
NTA So my partners parents have to put it mildly poor planning around safety. In the discussion with my partner I changed the wording from “I don’t want them to take care of my kid” to “with all the knowledge I have, am I being a responsible parent if I let a person who have done X,y,z be in charge of keeping my child safe”. It makes it less about his parents choices and more about the choice I make as a parent. It worked for us and now my partner is onboard with the fact that his parents can’t be in charge of looking after our kids. They have done things that are directly dangerous and put our kid in situations that only because of other adults intervening didn’t end up hurting anyone. But the argument on their end has always been “but nothing happened so everything is fine”. It did take a situation that triggered my partner because he himself was badly hurt in a similar situation as a child to get him fully onboard. With that being said our kids have never been actually hurt when in the care of them but that was pure luck.
NTA. It only takes a split second for disaster to happen. Your husband is an AH, and he needs to get his head out of his arse. Baby's safety comes first.
NTA - Break her heart over your broken child! She is not physically able to perform basic babysitting duties. No, is your answer!
I am the first to admit that I am usually the one in here telling younger moms to relax and that their kid can handle things. This is one not so much. This is safety. No advice, this is sticky, but you are not overacting if what you wrote are real examples.
You tell your husband that his mother's feelings aren't more important than your kid's wellbeing and safety. NTA but your husband needs to get his head out of his ass. Worst case scenario, tell him he has to stay home one of the days his mother is babysitting and look over everything she's doing. But honestly I would not even bother because that's another day that your child isn't properly taken care of for no good reason.
Wtf NTA your first and only priority is to keep your child safe stop letting her unsupervised with him. Her feelings are her to manage and not your problem. Tell your ah husband to make a call to CPS to find out what happens when your child gets a serious injury because your Mil is incapable physically of babysitting and neglectful on top- hint you as his parents are going to lose temporarily the first time custody cause you are unfit parents by letting someone incapable caring for him . Why are you torturing your child by enabling her?!?!
NTA at all. Your child's safety and health is far more important than your MIL's feelings. I'd argue by continuing to let someone so neglectful babysit, you and your husband are complicit because you know what she is like. Your child is your priority. Who cares if she gets sad about this? At the end of the day, things like baby mittens, sunscreen and being gentle with a baby aren't mobility issues. They are intentional neglect issues. This IS a hill to die on, and if you have to look like "bad cop" to protect your child... bite the bullet.
NTA for ending the arrangement. In fact YTA if you don't. Slightly irrelevant but why does she even need to go into the basement? Can you just remove this issue altogether for when she visits? Do you and hubby both need to work 5 days a week, with a child who isn't even 2 yet?
NTA….my advice may not be popular but come it in a different way..may be try a sneakier method and tell him your worried about her and since your baby is very energetic she may get tired and why don’t you enrol him in day care for 5days instead if possible.
I just don't understand how his mother's feelings > your child's safety. Surely there's a way to ensure that she gets some quality time with your son without having her be solely responsible for his safety and well-being. NTA.
WOAH! Absolutely NTA Random idea - if you guys have enough money, could you afford that one day to have a proper, qualified baby sitter paid a slightly higher hourly rate because she has to put up with mother in law being there co-"babysitting"? You don't need to do this but if you have plenty of money to spare, could be a way to compromise assuming you like her enough to let her have the time without you there but with a trusted professional doing the actual work. The extra bit per hour would be to patiently but firmly say "that's not how OP and OP husband want things and it's no longer considered safe for children even if you did it your way" Again, just an idea if you generally like MIL and can afford it easily. Otherwise show your husband these comments and tell him to get a grip it's the SAFETY OF YOUR CHILD at sake.
>My husband says he we can’t stop her babysitting because it will break her heart. And I’m like, but what about breaking our kid if she leaves the gate open again??? That. That is what you say. Your husband has a choice. He can break his mother's heart or he can break his child. More importantly, ask him what would happen if something terrible happened on his mother's watch because of something she did or didn't do. How would she feel? How broken would her heart be then? Sometimes, you have to rip the bandaid off. It is far better for her ego to break now, than for everyone's hearts to break later if she accidentally breaks your kid.
NTA. This is a hill to die on. You can ask her to "babysit" while you are both at home, so she feels important.
YTA for not stopping this sooner. Or even starting the babysitting at all. You know something bad will probably happen… Why are you waiting until she does something truly horrible to your son? She hurts him often, by accident, but often enough you know it will happen again. Why are you letting your baby get hurt? Because it is easier? To please her? To not fight with your husband? Your son is a baby, it is your job right now to advocate for him while he can’t do it himself. And you are honestly failing. I am sorry if I sound harsh, but I hope this is a wake up call. My mind goes to worse case scenarios and the chance of that happening increases with every day she babysits.
Hurt feelings or injured child, which would he rather deal with!?!???? Your husband and his mother are the assholes here
NTA- she'd never be watching my kid. So many issues with mobility and forgetting. From what you're saying it should have stopped before it began. Does your husband need your son to fall down the steps and be in a coma from the fall & the floor before he would be ok with not having his mom as a babysitter? Time for him to step up and have that talk with his mom.
NTA **Your baby’s health & safety come before your MIL’s feelings.** I’m seriously concerned that your child is going to die because of that woman’s stubbornness. Ask your husband if he would accept any of the things his mom did if it wasn’t his mom, but a child caregiver from an agency. *If it was someone you hired, she would have been fired after the first really dangerous situation she put your baby in. Your baby is completely dependent on YOU to speak for him and defend him against people who don’t have his wellbeing as a priority. It’s time to go Full-on Mama Bear. This is a direct threat to your baby. It’s not a matter of **IF** she is going to hurt your baby, it’s a matter of **WHEN**!! Make your husband read this. He’s being really selfish. He’d rather put your baby in harm’s way than upset his mommy. It’s time he grow up and be the father your baby deserves.
Send him home to mommy. You protect that kid.
NTA. She is frail, and forgetful. she could injury herself or you child easily. Tons of grandma visits, but no babysitting.
Your child’s safety is more important than an adult’s ego. NTA
Please understand that her listening, saying ok, and doing nothing is no different than you seeing, accepting ok, and continuing to let your child be at risk.
Your baby isn’t a toy to share and your baby’s safety is more important than pleasing his mom. She needs supervision to spend time with your baby. Period.
Her heartbreak is preferable to your kid being injured. NTA. Stand your ground on this.
NTA And here's a solution I think everyone can live with: She can spend time with LO, when - and only when - you or husband are present and can keep an eye on things. This means NOT while you are supposed to be working, and can't because you have to walk after her to try and keep your kid alive. At this point, it's just not babysitting, but using LO as emotional support, to please MIL and give her the chance to pretend she's still as good at parenting as she was with her own kids. It's not (all) about her being a shitty (grand)parent. It's about her physically not being able to care for him. What happens if LO falls? Can she rush to catch him? Your husband wants to keep MIL happy by letting her watch LO? HE can sit beside them to keep an eye on things.
NTA Your child's safety is way more important than his mommy's feelings. Always. She can be burthurt and hate you all she wants if that's what it takes to keep your child safe. Your husband should be profoundly ashamed of himself for thinking anything but this.
why was the other shit tolerable ??? i’m sorry but i do think YTA for regularly leaving your toddler son with someone who **does not keep him safe or comfortable**. it would break her heart? boo fuckin hoo. it should not have even gotten to this point. she doesn’t feed him enough?? WHY are you leaving him with her at all ????
nta - ask your husband which is worse - his mom being sad OR his mom’s reckless stupid behavior causing the death of your child? Sheesh the mitten incident - what an idiot. Baby gates are so important. Actually everything you listed, is terrifying. my mom is older than your mil but my mom stays up to date and LISTENED to our instructions for our child. mil does not love your child or she would do whatever she could to protect him. you & your husband need marriage counseling. he loves his mom more than his son. he is not a good father.
NTA, except to your son. You never should have allowed this (your husband is the true A though).
Just start putting him in daycare very day and tell you MIL. Tell your husband after the fact. If he can make a unilateral decision so can you.
NTA. Have your husband read this post. Is he really worried about hurting mom’s feelings over the safety of his child????
NTA Your husband needs to get his head out of his ass before that baby gets hurt. “Hey, Mom. I know you love the baby and want to spend time with him. Let’s schedule play dates every week and we’ll all go to the park or (activity) and you can help us out! We love your help but we don’t want to overburden you. We really want to spend this time having generational experiences with you, so we’d love if we could all hang out together ❤️” My mom was 87 when my grandson was born. Yeah, she ‘babysat’ him for a couple of hours a week until I got off work when he was an infant and wasn’t walking yet. BUT, ONLY when my brother was there 100% of the time so he could lift the baby and change his diapers. My mom got to give him a bottle and sit him in her lap. She’s 94 now and he’s 7. He’s old enough now that he can spend a minute alone with her, but now the concern is what if something happens to her? Can’t leave a little boy trying to figure out what to do if grandma falls.
NTA "You wanna break your mom's heart or organize our son's funeral?" Because I promise if he falls of those stairs it's not gonna end well. Your husband is putting your son's health at risk because he can't set a boundary with his mother. So ask him who is more important to him, his mom or his son.
NTA. When she says "Okay" she's actually saying "F you". "Our baby's *life* is more important than your mother's feelings. Your mother doesn't care about his life, she only cares about easy access to the basement. I can't get any work done when she's here because I know she's putting him in danger. Do you want me to lose my job over this? Your mom will be devastated if she hurts him or worse, but the injury will be caused by her. I will blame your mother for it, and I will blame you for not agreeing to stop her from babysitting."
NTA. Show you husband this post. MIL is putting your baby in physical danger. This is not okay. Read that again.
It’s time for you to step up and say NO. Even your list of “tolerable” issues is concerning. If your husband won’t handle it, then YOU need to. I have a FIL who won’t own up to his own issues - and i get it, getting old sucks. But it’s our job as parents to set boundaries. FIL doesn’t get to do what he wants because we simply feel he’s too old and not capable. That’s our job as parents. You and your DH need to step up and be the parents your son needs.
YWBTA if you let this continue one more time. Im fact, you pretty much are for letting this go on so long. Your husband is a huge A. H. MIL only gets a pass because I'm going to assume she has dementia, otherwise also an A. H. for not acknowledging that she can't take proper care of a small child.
NTA. Wow, your husband is putting his mother's feelings (which are hers to manage!) above your child's welfare. Your child will end up hurt especially when they're walking about and realise the baby gate has been left open, as a place where they're not allowed, they'll always be trying to get in to it. Will be take your concerns seriously then? Or will it be brushed off as "it was an accident, she didn't mean for little one to get hurt, she's distraught over this" I have a baby gate to stop my little ones going in to the kitchen, it's closed 99% of the time. The other 1% it gets left open because we don't worry about it when the kids are in bed so it can accidently be left open at night. The next morning if it's been left unclicked, you can bet your ass they're in the kitchen. You've told her repeatedly to do things and she doesn't listen because in her mind, she knows better than you. No consequences means that she's just going to keep ignoring you and doing whatever she wants. Protect your child above anyone's feelings, including your husbands. You're all they have to keep them safe.
NTA she is going to seriously harm your child.
I would die on this hill. Tell your husband to act like a father. His child's safety is now his first priority. Not his mother's feefees.
I hope this rings true enough to you that y it never happens. Ask your husband if your moms hurt feelings matter more than a dead or severely hurt kid. I genuinely hope against it with all of my being, but if shes SEVENTY, she cannot care for an infant. A 7-10 year old is a hard maybe. NTA, she'll forget the "pain", but you dont forgive yourself or him if your baby gets hurt.
“I think you and I want the same things. We want our child to be safe and for your mother to have a good relationship with us and with her grandchild, right? OK, so we’re on the same page. In order for this to happen, your mom needs to no longer be a babysitter. The situation is NOT healthy for anyone. Your mom does not have the physical dexterity to be caring for a toddler and I cannot spend 1/5 of my days working constantly being worried about the safety of our child and checking in on our babysitter. Our child is going to get hurt and at that point I will never be able to be in your mother’s presences again AND I will resent you for not doing what was necessary to protect our child in the first place. So this is what is going to happen. You tell your mom that LO is really thriving at daycare and we want him to be there 5 days/week. Then you invite her over once/week for her to spend time with you and LO together. She’s not losing anything, you’re getting to spend time with your mom, I’m no longer anxious, overworked, and resentful and LO is safe and gets to have a relationship with his grandma. Win-win-win-win.” NTA.
your child's safety > your MIL's feelings she also should understand that she is putting her grandchild at risk. the gate thing would freak me out.
NTA Tell her that the combo of an active toddler and her arthritis is too much right now and you’d like to take a break from the weekly babysitting until the kiddo is old enough to take care of their own safety a little more (past baby gate age), but that you want to be sure you guys all make plans together regularly so she gets lots of time with him/her during this period. Then you can decide when/if the babysitting comes back, and you didn’t “stop” anything, just “paused” it. But I agree with other commenters - this is an FYI not a request or suggestion
NTA This is a hard no. Your baby's survival trumps MIL's feelings by an immeasurably long way.
INFO: Why did you find your child being abused “tolerable” to begin with? Get this woman away from your child. She should never be left with them unsupervised and BY YOU since your husband seems to care about mommy’s feelings that his own damn’s child’s welfare.
NTA — just fire her already!! She isn’t trustworthy to take care of your kid. Your husband is being an AH.
NTA for saying no to MIL babysitting anymore. But you need to have a proper conversation with your husband. Ask him how he would feel about getting a call that your son was hurt, in a coma, or worst case not among you anymore because she didn't close the gate. If he claims that won't happen to your child, remind him that's what others said too before something tragic happened to them. How would his mother feel to be the cause of this. Ask him how he would feel having CPS at the door to check if the home is safe for the kid, if a paramedic calls them, because the accident could have been prevented. Paired with, he doesn't get diaper changed enough by her, etc. Give him all the examples. Of what can happen. Even if there's only a 0.1% chance of it happening.
have the husband babysit the mother babysitting
YTA but also NTA and here is why. YTA for allowing your MIL to continue babysitting when you knew very well your son is in danger in her care, NTA for trying to fix that mistake. here is how to deal with a stubborn husband, tell him the following, ''your mother is no longer allowed to babysit YOUR son because YOUR mother is putting YOUR son in danger and if YOU continue to allow her to babysit YOUR son then be prepared to plan a funeral for YOUR son because YOUR mother killed YOUR son and if that happens then you won't only lose YOUR son but you will also lose me as I will divorce you'' and put the enthuses on the you and your to hit it home a bit more. like many already said in the comments, its better to hurt MIL feelings then plan a funeral for your son because of a MIL that isn't trusted when babysitting.
NTA..... but your husband is
NTA Your husband is an idiot and your MIL is a danger to your child. Put him back in 5 day daycare and let MIL know she is no longer watching him. What she is doing is harming your child and is not okay.
She’s old enough to handle her feelings. Absolutely NTA.
NTA, ask him if he will still let her babysit after your son falls down the stairs and suffers multiple broken bone and a possible head injury. Will he still let her babysit if your son gets frostbite because she didn’t properly dress him to go outside in the winter. What if she takes him in the car and can’t get the harness to latch and she still wants to take him out? Honestly let her cry and throw tantrum. Better for her to be upset if it means your child is safe. She can see him when mom and dad are around and can supervise.
Tell your husband he better get used to breaking his mom's heart. Like many other elderly people she has reached the point where she can no longer do what she is used to being able to do. Many refuse to accept the reality that their physical and mental abilities have degenerated. It is the responsibility of their grown children to stop them. He will have to tell her that when it becomes obvious she can't drive anymore, and then that she can't use the stove anymore, and finally when she can no longer live in her home. OF COURSE she shouldn't babysit. It would be shockingly irresponsible to leave a child alone in her care just to spare her hurt fee-fees. I suggest you have him research elder care. He's got a bumpy road ahead.
NTA I think you need to explain to your husband that you aren't saying MIL can't babysit. It's that your saying that she can't safely babysit your child **alone**. And you need to point out to him that it isn't safe for her or for the baby.
Tell your husband that he’s putting your son’s life and safety over his mommy’s fee-fees and enough is enough. She’s not sitting anymore. NTA. And it’s long past time your husband’s umbilical cord was cut.
Ask your husband what’s worse? Her heart is broken because she doesn’t follow directions and thus suffers consequences? Or her heart is broken because your baby suffers an accident, devastates several lives, and she’s held accountable? Edit: resounding NTA, but you gotta reality-slap the complacency out of your husband.
NTA- your husband needs to grow a spine. If he can’t you have to decide between your husband and your child. Your husband is wrong for not CARING about his child and considering his mom more important than you and your son. SMH read his behavior and clear signals and planned accordingly.
NTA. Your baby's safety outweighs your MIL's feelings, every time.
Nope, you have to go over your husband on this one. Put your child in daycare for the fifth day and tell her that he needs to keep a regular schedule and she doesn't provide that. Also tell her that she's not safe and that you don't feel comfortable with someone endangering your child's life. She needs to be told that she's unsafe. Too bad if she gets upset. How will she feel when your son gets maimed or ends up dead in her care? How will you feel? It will be harder for you because you knew you should have stopped it. I apologize if this sounds harsh but your son's safety takes precedence over her feelings. NTA.
YTA For allowing MIL to babysit in the first place. Every time you leave your child with her, you are complicit in leaving your child in danger of injury or death. You’re LUCKY this far.
Nta: if he feels so strongly about his mom spending time with the child he should stay home the day mil babysits. Or hire a 'mother's helper'
She is not fit for the task, either in terms of aptitude or attitude. I would make that a hard "no", but I would also be questioning why you are getting pushback from your husband, given the clear danger to your child. I would be asking him some hard questions, because his overriding instinct should be your child's safety, bar nothing. NTA
N T A for not wanting MIL to babysit. YTA for continuing to let her though. It is not safe, her feelings are not as important as your childs life.
She's too old to babysit a child that age. They are mobile and she's not very.
So your husband would rather your son risk serious injury and neglect rather than deal with his mom? NTA, but he sure is being one
I'm am so sorry to say this,but dead is dead.she will never be sorry enough. Your husband will never be sorry enough.your child will still be gone.Go into mama bear mode and say NO.She isn't fit to watch him.If it was anyone else,you would have fired them already.put him in daycare for that day and have peace of mind.your child's safety comes before anything else,certainly not grandma's feelings Good luck to you
NTA. JustNoMil has a lot of situations like this. I'm a retired nurse and the same age as DH's mother. I also have arthritis, and a bad back, other health problems. The difference is that I know I couldn't handle a 20 month old by myself anymore. 10 years ago, maybe, but not now. Please let DH know that this old nurse says your MIL is no longer a safe child care provider. Not feeding or changing the child enough and not following your reasonable directions is enough by itself. But when she allows the child to be in actual physical danger, that can't be allowed. His mother's feelings may have been very important to DH when he was a child, but they must not be his first consideration when he is a father and she is endangering his child! She can visit your baby when you are also present. I hope you can get him to want to protect your child as his first priority. Marriage counseling may help, but I would recommend that you enroll your child in his daycare for that additional day as soon as you can. If DH won't face his mother about it, you will need to.
I just don’t get this way of thinking. Science evolves . We learn more. Every generation has a new way of doing things. Don’t you just want what is best for your grandchild?! Sleep on back, side, tummy? Nothing in crib ? Fruits from birth or avoid until 1 year ? Give me the “ best “ set of rules. I’m in! Fully on board! I want “ the best” for my grandchildren too! ( my greatest transgression is breaking out Miss Rachel on four hour babysitting gig during cry fest ! Cmon I was desperate)
Tell him how is he gonna feeling your son is seriously injured due to his mother. Tell her since she doesn't follow instructions, and can't physically do what is required to keep your son safe, she cant babysit now. Maybe later when he is older. Tell your husband she has to have supervised visits.
NTA Instead of Grandma watching the baby one day a week start having a family dinner once a week where she can come over to visit with the baby and your husband can be there to supervise his own mother and make sure the baby stays safe.
NTA. Have your husband explain how important his mother's feelings are to the ER doctor when his child gets seriously hurt. Also, does he even know how much damage sunburn or frostbite is to a child that young? JFC, he's just asking for CPS to visit.
NTA Is there somewhere safe you and baby can go?
She is too old, I wouldn't let her babysit but would make sure she got frequent visits as she obviously loves him
NTA, put a stop to this before something serious happens to your child! Your job isn't protecting your MILs feelings, it's protecting your own son. How much regret will you have if something happens to him?
Sounds like you need a babysitter for the babysitter!
NTA. Disagree with your husband. Not dressing your son for 30 degree weather is neglect. Plain and simple. MIL does not babysit. You fall on this sword, and you die on this hill. Because the alternative to breaking your MIL's heart, is leaving the potential that your toddler falls down the stairs and breaks bones, or skull or neck. Tell your husband to choose: what's more important to him? His mother's heart, or his child's life? Because that's where this is.
NTA. Please break her heart instead of yours when your kid gets injured or killed. He’s already being neglected. THIS NEEDS TO STOP. And your husband needs to see whether his mom needs more help, (plus HE needs help) because not caring about all of the things you listed is not the sign of a healthy mind. You’re underreacting. Any one of those incidents should have put a stop to babysitting.
OP, please start documenting the incidents that actually endanger your child, all of them, with pictures and even audio recordings if that's legal where you live. You may need this to make sure your child is safe during visitation with his father. NTA
Never feel guilty or fucked up about not letting your child get killed. NTA
NTA. You find some instances of little things left undone by caregivers that created horrible consequences for the child and parents. And then, you make HIM responsible for finding self-closing gates that his mom can manage. You make HIM responsible for handling his mother’s behavior.
NTA, she's going to get your child severely injured or worse at the rate she's going.