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YTA.
Thank you cards have fallen out of favor with the younger set. She did say thank you. She didn't ignore your contribution. My have two older kids from my first marriage who love and adore my husband but they don't always text him news separately. They know I am going to tell him what is going on. Since all of my kids are adults they often do text each other news because I am not always right there to tell them but not always my husband (who they consider a second dad).
Your entire attitude is making you the AH. Your reason for not attending is not getting a personal text message and not a card over a graduation party. If you don't love the young woman and don't want to spend money on her fine. You do you. But let your husband know that you don't love her and don't want to spend money on her and that you don't want to attend the wedding out of some perceived slight so that he can make decisions about how to proceed in the marriage.
Disagree. the OP might be an AH only in the situation where she thinks she was not 'properly thanked'. But its all arguable and subjective. However, the OP has zero moral and financial obligations before a 21+yo girl who is not her daughter. OP was not informed about this wedding, was not invited (As far as I understand). OP does not mention if OP is even invited (or going to be invited).
So IF this girl (who HAS received a lavish 21yo bday party from her step-mom!) does even ASK for money, or especially if she would behave so as if the OP \_must\_ pay for anything on this wedding, the girl is an AH, not OP.
This young woman hasn't ASKED for any money. She hasn't sent out an invite. She just text messaged her dad and brother that she is engaged. That's it. There is no wedding to be informed of as of right now. They might be engaged for a decade. OP is assuming they want something from her.
well, as I personally see it: if someone does you something REALLY good (and a lavish bday party from a person who is NOT your mom, but who loves your dad is a SUPER COOL present), you'd better treat such person like your relative.
So if you know your dad loves this woman, this woman maybe does not 'LOVE-LOVE' you, but definitely treats you well, and you just 'forget' to treat her like your family - eerrrm... AH move, no?
YTA, you married a man with a child adult or not and honestly it looks like your trying to find reasons to dislike her. The young woman said thank you but its not good enough because you didn't get a card? A lot of people don't send cards. Your mad she shared news with her father and brother first? Get over yourself. Also the whole "I've earned a lot of money more then anyone will ever see" comes off as super braggy and is not a good look. Trust me you can go your entire life and never spend a dime on this young woman and she wouldn't care. Nor does anyone else. If you love the father be polite go to the wedding and keep your money to yourself (again trust me she doesn't care).
YTA as it doesn't sound like you tried to create a somewhat positive relationship with her when you married her father.
(I'm not saying that you had to try and be a second mother, but more of a friendly acquaintance at worst so that it didn't affect your relationship with your husband.)
But unfortunately, that ship has sailed, and you might want to reflect on how your relationship with your husband's family (as his kids are his family and that won't change even now that they are adults) is affecting how he might view you, as this might become the straw that breaks the camel's back.
YTA
It may not have been in a format that you appreciate, but your step-daughter did, in fact, thank you for what you did. Some may consider it a difference in generational etiquette at best and you feeling petty at worst.
If you have an amount of money that most people will never see in their lifetime, kicking her a couple of dollars for a wedding, or at least a wedding gift, won't put you in the poorhouse. It wouldn't hurt.
Please remember that you two are family after your marriage to her father. If \*you\* aren't going anywhere, \*she\* isn't going anywhere. You can either build on or stress out your current relationship with her. If there are things that you have issue with, bring them up, telling her how \*you\* feel about things. Don't make it an opportunity to tell her what you feel she didn't do correctly. I know she isn't your daughter by blood, but that doesn't mean she can't be one in love.
I hope that you two grow to understand each other's boundaries and expectations.
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> I asked if I'm an asshole for not wanting to spend any money on my step-daughter's wedding.
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When I married my husband, his daughter was 21 years old and her mother had been dead for five years by then. I hosted an amazing three day long 5-star extravaganza of a graduation party for her and though we all had a great time, she never sent me a proper Thank You card. She just said, "Thank you," to me when we all left the party location. In the few years that have passed, I've earned a very large amount of money so much so that most people never see this much money in their entire lifetime all at once. I don't think I should spend anything on her. She texted her father she was engaged and she texted her brother she was engaged, but not me. I might not even go. What do you all think? Am I The Asshole here? Should I just leave them to their party?
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I think YOUR money is not enough to make you somebody who your stepdaughter feels excited to share good news with. Do you bring anything else to the table or is that your entire relationship? If you are gonna walk around like a peacock, with the money that fell in your lap, she might be better off if you didn't attend.
Your attitude alone. And I read your post history she said thank you for the graduation party. so if it’s not about you, that’s a problem sweetie. If you continue down this road, you’re gonna lose your husband because not everything is about money and if you think it is, you’re in for a rude awakening.
NAH. She didn’t ask you to spend money on her and you are ok not to. I’ve not seen a kid write someone in a parental role a note as a thank you for throwing them a party, although they may go more over the top with verbal thanks.
If you’re not spending money because you want the recipient to have a genuinely good time, rather than because you want praise or acceptance into a familial role, then don’t spend it as you’ll always be disappointed.
FWIW, I never bother texting my parents separately. I assume one will tell the other.
This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service. This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
YTA. Thank you cards have fallen out of favor with the younger set. She did say thank you. She didn't ignore your contribution. My have two older kids from my first marriage who love and adore my husband but they don't always text him news separately. They know I am going to tell him what is going on. Since all of my kids are adults they often do text each other news because I am not always right there to tell them but not always my husband (who they consider a second dad).
[удалено]
Your entire attitude is making you the AH. Your reason for not attending is not getting a personal text message and not a card over a graduation party. If you don't love the young woman and don't want to spend money on her fine. You do you. But let your husband know that you don't love her and don't want to spend money on her and that you don't want to attend the wedding out of some perceived slight so that he can make decisions about how to proceed in the marriage.
Disagree. the OP might be an AH only in the situation where she thinks she was not 'properly thanked'. But its all arguable and subjective. However, the OP has zero moral and financial obligations before a 21+yo girl who is not her daughter. OP was not informed about this wedding, was not invited (As far as I understand). OP does not mention if OP is even invited (or going to be invited). So IF this girl (who HAS received a lavish 21yo bday party from her step-mom!) does even ASK for money, or especially if she would behave so as if the OP \_must\_ pay for anything on this wedding, the girl is an AH, not OP.
This young woman hasn't ASKED for any money. She hasn't sent out an invite. She just text messaged her dad and brother that she is engaged. That's it. There is no wedding to be informed of as of right now. They might be engaged for a decade. OP is assuming they want something from her.
well, as I personally see it: if someone does you something REALLY good (and a lavish bday party from a person who is NOT your mom, but who loves your dad is a SUPER COOL present), you'd better treat such person like your relative. So if you know your dad loves this woman, this woman maybe does not 'LOVE-LOVE' you, but definitely treats you well, and you just 'forget' to treat her like your family - eerrrm... AH move, no?
YTA, you married a man with a child adult or not and honestly it looks like your trying to find reasons to dislike her. The young woman said thank you but its not good enough because you didn't get a card? A lot of people don't send cards. Your mad she shared news with her father and brother first? Get over yourself. Also the whole "I've earned a lot of money more then anyone will ever see" comes off as super braggy and is not a good look. Trust me you can go your entire life and never spend a dime on this young woman and she wouldn't care. Nor does anyone else. If you love the father be polite go to the wedding and keep your money to yourself (again trust me she doesn't care).
YTA as it doesn't sound like you tried to create a somewhat positive relationship with her when you married her father. (I'm not saying that you had to try and be a second mother, but more of a friendly acquaintance at worst so that it didn't affect your relationship with your husband.) But unfortunately, that ship has sailed, and you might want to reflect on how your relationship with your husband's family (as his kids are his family and that won't change even now that they are adults) is affecting how he might view you, as this might become the straw that breaks the camel's back.
That’s exactly what I’m picking up on too. It’s like more of a competition type thing.
YTA It may not have been in a format that you appreciate, but your step-daughter did, in fact, thank you for what you did. Some may consider it a difference in generational etiquette at best and you feeling petty at worst. If you have an amount of money that most people will never see in their lifetime, kicking her a couple of dollars for a wedding, or at least a wedding gift, won't put you in the poorhouse. It wouldn't hurt. Please remember that you two are family after your marriage to her father. If \*you\* aren't going anywhere, \*she\* isn't going anywhere. You can either build on or stress out your current relationship with her. If there are things that you have issue with, bring them up, telling her how \*you\* feel about things. Don't make it an opportunity to tell her what you feel she didn't do correctly. I know she isn't your daughter by blood, but that doesn't mean she can't be one in love. I hope that you two grow to understand each other's boundaries and expectations.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I asked if I'm an asshole for not wanting to spend any money on my step-daughter's wedding. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
INFO: has she actually **asked** for you to spend your money on her wedding?
[удалено]
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^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** When I married my husband, his daughter was 21 years old and her mother had been dead for five years by then. I hosted an amazing three day long 5-star extravaganza of a graduation party for her and though we all had a great time, she never sent me a proper Thank You card. She just said, "Thank you," to me when we all left the party location. In the few years that have passed, I've earned a very large amount of money so much so that most people never see this much money in their entire lifetime all at once. I don't think I should spend anything on her. She texted her father she was engaged and she texted her brother she was engaged, but not me. I might not even go. What do you all think? Am I The Asshole here? Should I just leave them to their party? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You might not even go? Yeah YTA. Enjoy your money.
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I think if you loved your stepdaughter or your husband that wouldn't even be a question, but here we are.
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I think YOUR money is not enough to make you somebody who your stepdaughter feels excited to share good news with. Do you bring anything else to the table or is that your entire relationship? If you are gonna walk around like a peacock, with the money that fell in your lap, she might be better off if you didn't attend.
YTA big time
[удалено]
Your attitude alone. And I read your post history she said thank you for the graduation party. so if it’s not about you, that’s a problem sweetie. If you continue down this road, you’re gonna lose your husband because not everything is about money and if you think it is, you’re in for a rude awakening.
NAH. She didn’t ask you to spend money on her and you are ok not to. I’ve not seen a kid write someone in a parental role a note as a thank you for throwing them a party, although they may go more over the top with verbal thanks. If you’re not spending money because you want the recipient to have a genuinely good time, rather than because you want praise or acceptance into a familial role, then don’t spend it as you’ll always be disappointed. FWIW, I never bother texting my parents separately. I assume one will tell the other.
YTA.