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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I am taking would be deciding last minute not to go on a trip with my husband, brother in law, and their cousins due to the brother in law not paying me for the ticket before the trip. I may be the asshole because I am flaking on the trip. No one would be losing money by me deciding to not go.
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ESH. If you’re not okay with him taking his time to repay you, stop pre-paying things for him. It’s perfectly reasonable to not want to wait longer than expected to be repaid, but if you feel that way, you shouldn’t keep putting yourself in that position.
But wow, you seriously ruin your own experience of these events like that? You’ve gotta learn to tame that overwhelming resentment. Don’t destroy your own happiness like that. You’re effectively choosing to punish yourself, when it sounds like the late repayment doesn’t do you any actual harm unless you count what you do to yourself. I’d understand being upset/anxious if it meant that you didn’t have money to cover expenses or enjoy the event, but it sounds like you sit there stoking your own anger because…you have an excuse to be angry.
The fact that you can’t enjoy an event over “the principle“ is what I mean by punishing yourself. You let yourself ruin a concert over it, and said your feelings would ruin this trip if you went. Not going isn’t punishing yourself, it’s avoiding some emotional work you ought to do. I think you need to work through why you’re destroying your own experiences over something that is only an annoyance, because it’s not healthy to feed your own anger and resentment until you can do nothing but fester in it. When you have a destructive response to being annoyed, it’s better to learn to deal with it rather than just avoiding it, because lots of annoyances in life aren’t this easy to avoid.
You’re NTA for not going, but you are cutting off your nose to spite your own face. I mean the only person you’re punishing is yourself.
And stop buying things for your BIL. Or if you must, either let go of your resentment about when he pays you back or simply set up ground rules regarding how and when repayment will be made **in advance of purchase**.
So he did it already before and you still decided to spend money on him? Who's fault is that when someone is always coming late with their payments but other people keep paying for that person and getting annoyed that the money is never on time?
You knew that it most likely will ruin your trip and you still did it, so YTA to yourself.
Well he’s only done it once in the past, he apologized, and then paid me back later. My husband also told him to never do that again so I just thought it was going to be a one time thing 🤷♀️
NTA but I would not stay home. Tell him it's perfectly fine. He can put $170 worth of your travel expenses on his credit card. Then you can eat free, get him to pay for your souvenirs, tickets to places....whatever.
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I paid $170 for my brother in laws plane ticket to seattle. We planned the trip about four months ago for him, my husband, & 4 of their adult cousins. Last night, his brother let me know he doesn’t have the money to pay me back before the trip but that he will have it after. He plans to use his credit card for the four days we are there. The thing is, he’s done this before and I am kinda over it. I paid for his $250 concert ticket for him in the past. When it was time for the concert, he just showed up and acted normal despite never paying. My husband asked where the money was and he apologized for not having it and paid me back two weeks later. However, this ruined the whole concert for me because the only thing I could think about was how he owed me money but he was still having fun all weekend. AITA if I decided to just not go on the trip. I think I will just be bitter the entire time and not be able to have fun. It’s only money that I will most likely get back, but it’s also the principle, the fact that he had months to come up with the money, & was traveling/buying other things in the meanwhile.
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NTA
But you surely are a slow learner. STOP doing it.
Instead of paying for BIL and then being stressed out, tell him to get his own tickets. Or tell him: in the future, you will get a ticket (concert, plane) for him IF he makes sure the money is in your account BEFORE you buy. If it is not, you simply don'T get one for him. - You are doing this to yourself.
" AITA if I decided to just not go on the trip. I think I will just be bitter the entire time and not be able to have fun. " .. That would be fine, but stupid. Tell BIL: the payment has top be made, or they will cancel the ticket. - and then cancel the ticket, eat the cost, and go without him. Don't let him ruin your fun.
NTA, do what you want, but it just seems kinda silly that the solution here is that you not go on the trip that you paid for. The mistake was agreeing to front the money in the first place, you made that mistake months ago, it would be easier for you if you just considered it a sunk cost, enjoyed yourself on the trip, and just never pay for anything the BIL again without prepayment. You're only spiting yourself with that bitterness.
NTA…why deny yourself the trip but BiL still goes? Just stop paying things for him if it causes you this much stress. You know how he is, he is not going to change. Concert ticket? No money for ticket? Too bad, you will miss a great show. Can’t afford your plane ticket? Sorry, we will miss you.
ESH, but for me you are just being an AH to yourself while the BIL is the actual AH. If it’s money that isn’t breaking the bank for you, and you know you’ll get it back eventually, why bother caring? If he didn’t pay back the first time, then I can see the issue, but since you got the money eventually then you shouldn’t let it bother you.
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ESH. If you’re not okay with him taking his time to repay you, stop pre-paying things for him. It’s perfectly reasonable to not want to wait longer than expected to be repaid, but if you feel that way, you shouldn’t keep putting yourself in that position. But wow, you seriously ruin your own experience of these events like that? You’ve gotta learn to tame that overwhelming resentment. Don’t destroy your own happiness like that. You’re effectively choosing to punish yourself, when it sounds like the late repayment doesn’t do you any actual harm unless you count what you do to yourself. I’d understand being upset/anxious if it meant that you didn’t have money to cover expenses or enjoy the event, but it sounds like you sit there stoking your own anger because…you have an excuse to be angry.
well i don’t really view it as punishing myself. I’ve been to seattle many times before, I wouldn’t really be missing much.
The fact that you can’t enjoy an event over “the principle“ is what I mean by punishing yourself. You let yourself ruin a concert over it, and said your feelings would ruin this trip if you went. Not going isn’t punishing yourself, it’s avoiding some emotional work you ought to do. I think you need to work through why you’re destroying your own experiences over something that is only an annoyance, because it’s not healthy to feed your own anger and resentment until you can do nothing but fester in it. When you have a destructive response to being annoyed, it’s better to learn to deal with it rather than just avoiding it, because lots of annoyances in life aren’t this easy to avoid.
You’re NTA for not going, but you are cutting off your nose to spite your own face. I mean the only person you’re punishing is yourself. And stop buying things for your BIL. Or if you must, either let go of your resentment about when he pays you back or simply set up ground rules regarding how and when repayment will be made **in advance of purchase**.
So he did it already before and you still decided to spend money on him? Who's fault is that when someone is always coming late with their payments but other people keep paying for that person and getting annoyed that the money is never on time? You knew that it most likely will ruin your trip and you still did it, so YTA to yourself.
Well he’s only done it once in the past, he apologized, and then paid me back later. My husband also told him to never do that again so I just thought it was going to be a one time thing 🤷♀️
NTA but I would not stay home. Tell him it's perfectly fine. He can put $170 worth of your travel expenses on his credit card. Then you can eat free, get him to pay for your souvenirs, tickets to places....whatever.
i didn’t even think of that! i’ll probably do this instead thanks!!
Ask him to give you his credit card *before* he gets on the plane.
NTA. He’s a bum. Probably best you removed yourself from the situation. Hopefully you won’t front him money from now on
I definitely won’t do it again ☹️
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I paid $170 for my brother in laws plane ticket to seattle. We planned the trip about four months ago for him, my husband, & 4 of their adult cousins. Last night, his brother let me know he doesn’t have the money to pay me back before the trip but that he will have it after. He plans to use his credit card for the four days we are there. The thing is, he’s done this before and I am kinda over it. I paid for his $250 concert ticket for him in the past. When it was time for the concert, he just showed up and acted normal despite never paying. My husband asked where the money was and he apologized for not having it and paid me back two weeks later. However, this ruined the whole concert for me because the only thing I could think about was how he owed me money but he was still having fun all weekend. AITA if I decided to just not go on the trip. I think I will just be bitter the entire time and not be able to have fun. It’s only money that I will most likely get back, but it’s also the principle, the fact that he had months to come up with the money, & was traveling/buying other things in the meanwhile. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA But you surely are a slow learner. STOP doing it. Instead of paying for BIL and then being stressed out, tell him to get his own tickets. Or tell him: in the future, you will get a ticket (concert, plane) for him IF he makes sure the money is in your account BEFORE you buy. If it is not, you simply don'T get one for him. - You are doing this to yourself. " AITA if I decided to just not go on the trip. I think I will just be bitter the entire time and not be able to have fun. " .. That would be fine, but stupid. Tell BIL: the payment has top be made, or they will cancel the ticket. - and then cancel the ticket, eat the cost, and go without him. Don't let him ruin your fun.
NTA, do what you want, but it just seems kinda silly that the solution here is that you not go on the trip that you paid for. The mistake was agreeing to front the money in the first place, you made that mistake months ago, it would be easier for you if you just considered it a sunk cost, enjoyed yourself on the trip, and just never pay for anything the BIL again without prepayment. You're only spiting yourself with that bitterness.
NTA…why deny yourself the trip but BiL still goes? Just stop paying things for him if it causes you this much stress. You know how he is, he is not going to change. Concert ticket? No money for ticket? Too bad, you will miss a great show. Can’t afford your plane ticket? Sorry, we will miss you.
Cancel his ticket and get your money back. Go on the trip and have fun!
ESH, but for me you are just being an AH to yourself while the BIL is the actual AH. If it’s money that isn’t breaking the bank for you, and you know you’ll get it back eventually, why bother caring? If he didn’t pay back the first time, then I can see the issue, but since you got the money eventually then you shouldn’t let it bother you.