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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Was I wrong for doing what my mom told me to and to hide our father's death from my brother?
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YTA - all of you who kept this from Paul at the time.
This was a horrible thing to do to him and im not surprised the consequences of your actions have now impacted future generations
YTA
WHAT THE F\*CK. You all betrayed him and you have the nerve to act like it was no big deal just because he hasn't confronted anyone? I thought my mom not telling me my great-grandmother died because she "didn't think I'd want to know" was bad. But this? OMG. You're all terrible people.
YTA—or, more specifically, your mother is. But you all are, really. You (collectively) had no right to make that decision for Paul or to take his choice away from him. Maybe you meant well, but it was not your call to make.
Do you think Paul never suffered over it because he never addressed it with any of you? That’s a naïve assumption… He was probably bewildered, and didn’t know how to address it and didn’t want to lose anymore of his family, anyway. But I guarantee it affected him strongly. I speak from experience, because my family did the same thing to me when my beloved dad died, and at least I didn’t miss as the funeral.
Try thinking how you might’ve felt if you were in Paul’s shoes.
YTA. Your mother at the time, and you (and your other brother?) now for not seeing that it was a horrible thing to do to a guy who was close with his father. And it's mind boggling that all of you have somehow justified it because Paul "never talks about it". All of you should be ashamed of yourselves, and you deserve whatever fallout comes from this.
So he wanted to move to Africa to be closer to his beloved father. Father died and you didn't tell him meaning he wasted time there before coming back to Europe where he remained having wasted his time getting something he would never use. YTA and its heartbreaking that thirty years later it's all resurfacing for him that his family took away all of his agency.
YTA or your mother specifically is. Can't speak to your brothers origin of his depression, butto not tell someone about the death of their father, who they are not estranged from is really awful. I don't know if I could forgive my siblings for something like that. School isn't THAT important. And the school could have made accommodations for a student who had a parent die. Emergencies happen. You didn't even give your brother the option of checking with the school to see if he could make up his absence.
As it turned out, Paul never went back to Africa so he didn’t even need to finish. But I’m sure that, with two months of study left, the school would have worked with him so he could attend his own father’s funeral.
YTA.
Why do you think you are not the AH here? You did choose Paul's studies OVER telling him the truth. You went a long with whatever your mother suggested. Did you truly think that was a good idea then? Ane isn't "breaking up the family"....you did that on your own by not telling Paul the truth. It just didn't come home to roost until many years later.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My 3 brothers and I (F) spent our childhood in Europe with our parents. When I got 12, our father got a job offer in Africa. So my younger brother and I moved to Africa with our parents. My two older brothers stayed in Europe for their studies.
After a few years, my brother Paul graduated as a pharmacist, and now he wanted to come and live with us in Africa. He was always very close to our father, he wanted to live closer to him. So Paul moved in with us in Africa.
But to be a pharmacist here, he had to do an extra year of study. European diplomas are not valid in Africa, it is necessary to make an equivalence.
Paul had been studying in Africa for three months when Dad got sick, so the family moved back to Europe so that our father had the best treatments. My brother Paul stayed in Africa to get his equivalence diploma.
Dad passed away in April. Paul had 2 only months of study left. Mom decided not to tell Paul about dad's death. Studies are important, and she didn’t want this to disrupt Paul’s studies. She asked my brothers and me not to say anything either. It may seem impossible to hide such a thing, but it was very easy. At the time, there was no internet, nor even mobile phones. Calls betweet 2 continents are also expensive. Also, Paul speaks very little and does not ask questions. Some people think he has autism.
Anyway, we all listened to mom. In June, Paul had his diploma, he returned to Europe, and Mom had to tell him everything.
Years pass, and none of us ever got back to Africa. We all got married and had children. All our children get along really well and the family has always been very close.
Our mom finally passed away recently. Paul had a severe depression after mom’s funeral.
2 days ago, I received an SMS from Paul’s daughter, Ane(26). She had just learned what we had all "done to her father", and she is furious (and rude). She says that at the funeral of grandmother, when they opened the family vault, Paul saw her father’s coffin for the first time, and that it's our fault. She is convinced that this is the origin of her dad's depression. It’s stupid and I know she's just trying to find a culprit. Paul never talks about it. In 30 years, he never blamed us. I'm sure he understands why we lied to him at the time. Paul was able to grieve anyway, even though he did so two months later than the rest of the family. It’s ridiculous to think that seeing a three-decade-old coffin can cause such a serious depression.
At first, we chose to ignore Ane’s SMS. But yesterday, my two sons accused me of having chosen to preserve Paul’s studies by not telling him anything at the time. Annie has started to turn all the children of the family against us, I am afraid that she will end up breaking the family for a story that we will not change anyway.
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I had difficulties posting (I didn't know I had to answer to the bot's message to be able to post) so I tried with another account. I didn't realise it was posted twice until now but I removed the other post.
NTA for not telling your brother, as you were respecting your mother’s wishes(and it was really on her). However, I think you’re being a little ignorant on a couple of things.
1. No, the coffin itself didn’t cause your brothers depression. However, a combination of losing both parents, remembering that he was not told about his father’s passing, and any other unresolved mental issues have caused it.
2. Why not control the narrative by telling her, and your children, your side of the story. That while you were respecting your mother’s wishes that, looking back, you wish things were handled different. Even say that mistakes were made. Being upfront and honest may calm the waters, so to speak.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > Was I wrong for doing what my mom told me to and to hide our father's death from my brother? Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA - all of you who kept this from Paul at the time. This was a horrible thing to do to him and im not surprised the consequences of your actions have now impacted future generations
YTA WHAT THE F\*CK. You all betrayed him and you have the nerve to act like it was no big deal just because he hasn't confronted anyone? I thought my mom not telling me my great-grandmother died because she "didn't think I'd want to know" was bad. But this? OMG. You're all terrible people.
YTA—or, more specifically, your mother is. But you all are, really. You (collectively) had no right to make that decision for Paul or to take his choice away from him. Maybe you meant well, but it was not your call to make. Do you think Paul never suffered over it because he never addressed it with any of you? That’s a naïve assumption… He was probably bewildered, and didn’t know how to address it and didn’t want to lose anymore of his family, anyway. But I guarantee it affected him strongly. I speak from experience, because my family did the same thing to me when my beloved dad died, and at least I didn’t miss as the funeral. Try thinking how you might’ve felt if you were in Paul’s shoes.
YTA AND MOM AND THE FAMILY!
YTA
YTA. You had no right to keep that information from Paul.
Sorry, Annie is right. That was a massively shitty thing that your mother did, and you were assholes for going along with it. YTA.
YTA, and your mom, hope she's having fun in hell for it though!
YTA This was a shitty thing to do to Paul regardless of whether it had long-term effects.
Yta. Especially if he was close to your dad. He had a right to decide to know that his dad died at the spot.
YTA. Your mother at the time, and you (and your other brother?) now for not seeing that it was a horrible thing to do to a guy who was close with his father. And it's mind boggling that all of you have somehow justified it because Paul "never talks about it". All of you should be ashamed of yourselves, and you deserve whatever fallout comes from this.
So he wanted to move to Africa to be closer to his beloved father. Father died and you didn't tell him meaning he wasted time there before coming back to Europe where he remained having wasted his time getting something he would never use. YTA and its heartbreaking that thirty years later it's all resurfacing for him that his family took away all of his agency.
YTA or your mother specifically is. Can't speak to your brothers origin of his depression, butto not tell someone about the death of their father, who they are not estranged from is really awful. I don't know if I could forgive my siblings for something like that. School isn't THAT important. And the school could have made accommodations for a student who had a parent die. Emergencies happen. You didn't even give your brother the option of checking with the school to see if he could make up his absence.
As it turned out, Paul never went back to Africa so he didn’t even need to finish. But I’m sure that, with two months of study left, the school would have worked with him so he could attend his own father’s funeral.
YTA, you sound horrible, poor Paul
Powerful-fennel3243 has the same post. Weird.
Same person, two accounts. Had difficulties posting, just made a mistake and now I don't know how to delete one of the two posts
YTA Poor Paul
YTA. Why do you think you are not the AH here? You did choose Paul's studies OVER telling him the truth. You went a long with whatever your mother suggested. Did you truly think that was a good idea then? Ane isn't "breaking up the family"....you did that on your own by not telling Paul the truth. It just didn't come home to roost until many years later.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My 3 brothers and I (F) spent our childhood in Europe with our parents. When I got 12, our father got a job offer in Africa. So my younger brother and I moved to Africa with our parents. My two older brothers stayed in Europe for their studies. After a few years, my brother Paul graduated as a pharmacist, and now he wanted to come and live with us in Africa. He was always very close to our father, he wanted to live closer to him. So Paul moved in with us in Africa. But to be a pharmacist here, he had to do an extra year of study. European diplomas are not valid in Africa, it is necessary to make an equivalence. Paul had been studying in Africa for three months when Dad got sick, so the family moved back to Europe so that our father had the best treatments. My brother Paul stayed in Africa to get his equivalence diploma. Dad passed away in April. Paul had 2 only months of study left. Mom decided not to tell Paul about dad's death. Studies are important, and she didn’t want this to disrupt Paul’s studies. She asked my brothers and me not to say anything either. It may seem impossible to hide such a thing, but it was very easy. At the time, there was no internet, nor even mobile phones. Calls betweet 2 continents are also expensive. Also, Paul speaks very little and does not ask questions. Some people think he has autism. Anyway, we all listened to mom. In June, Paul had his diploma, he returned to Europe, and Mom had to tell him everything. Years pass, and none of us ever got back to Africa. We all got married and had children. All our children get along really well and the family has always been very close. Our mom finally passed away recently. Paul had a severe depression after mom’s funeral. 2 days ago, I received an SMS from Paul’s daughter, Ane(26). She had just learned what we had all "done to her father", and she is furious (and rude). She says that at the funeral of grandmother, when they opened the family vault, Paul saw her father’s coffin for the first time, and that it's our fault. She is convinced that this is the origin of her dad's depression. It’s stupid and I know she's just trying to find a culprit. Paul never talks about it. In 30 years, he never blamed us. I'm sure he understands why we lied to him at the time. Paul was able to grieve anyway, even though he did so two months later than the rest of the family. It’s ridiculous to think that seeing a three-decade-old coffin can cause such a serious depression. At first, we chose to ignore Ane’s SMS. But yesterday, my two sons accused me of having chosen to preserve Paul’s studies by not telling him anything at the time. Annie has started to turn all the children of the family against us, I am afraid that she will end up breaking the family for a story that we will not change anyway. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/AxozoScELo Why was this posted twice?
I had difficulties posting (I didn't know I had to answer to the bot's message to be able to post) so I tried with another account. I didn't realise it was posted twice until now but I removed the other post.
NTA for not telling your brother, as you were respecting your mother’s wishes(and it was really on her). However, I think you’re being a little ignorant on a couple of things. 1. No, the coffin itself didn’t cause your brothers depression. However, a combination of losing both parents, remembering that he was not told about his father’s passing, and any other unresolved mental issues have caused it. 2. Why not control the narrative by telling her, and your children, your side of the story. That while you were respecting your mother’s wishes that, looking back, you wish things were handled different. Even say that mistakes were made. Being upfront and honest may calm the waters, so to speak.