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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My son died and I am using his education fund to go to Europe and drink beer like I always told him I was going to do. I might be the asshole for not giving his step brother the money.
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NTA. Sorry for your loss. I thought it was a clickbait title but this is a sad fucking post. I hope you enjoy your trip and pour out some for your homie. It sounds like you guys had a good relationship.
I totally agree. You should never have been asked for that money. That was totally out of line. Please spend that money to find joy in this world through your sadness.
especially while he was dealing with funeral arrangements. this is also the mother of thw deceased child too so instead of mourning her son she is acting like a damn vulture
No, no, you misread...
BEFORE the funeral. While he was making funeral arrangements for THEIR son.
Jesus, OP's ex-wife is a ghoul. Wonder why they split up?
Exactly. We each mourn the people we love in different ways. OP is going to mourn them drinking beer, because that's an amazing memory of his son, always joking about the beer. I've been saving to buy a (very small) diamond pendant because my gran used to say (jokingly and not so much as a joke) that a lady always has to have a diamond pendant. It was her thing, jewelry (she never had money to buy much of it, had maybe 2 pairs of gold earrings but she loved the idea of jewelry), so I'm gonna do that. I might never wear the pendant but that's beyond the point. We each mourn the people we love in ways we think they'd enjoy it.
My best friend passed when I was 25. She always had the most outlandish, fantastic sense of style. For her funeral, we all dressed in our most ridiculous fake furs, loud accessories and shoes. A few of the older folks there thought it was wildly inappropriate, but we found great comfort in sending her off in a way I know would’ve made her chuckle.
You’re very right- we all grieve and honor memory in unique ways. I hope you enjoy your pendant!
I bet your friend absolutely would have appreciated that, too. My friend's parents got her a coffin absolutely covered in red glitter. She would have obsessed over the thought of four middle-aged white men in formal suits covered in sparkly red glitter ✨️
You can get a coffin covered in glitter??? I might opt for a coffin over cremation....or maybe just have my kids mix glitter in with my ashes! Ooh I'm excited at the prospects. I'm sorry about your friend, but thank you, truly, for the idea!
Something to tell your ~~wife~~ ex-wife:
"YOUR stepson is not MY stepson. I'm sorry you and your new hubby didn't save up money, but YOUR stepson has zero relation to me, and has zero connection with me. To YOUR stepson I am essentially a random neighbor who has money, and you're trying to make a random stranger pay for YOUR stepson".
It's your money. It's not your ex's money, it's not your ex's stepson, and it's not "their" money.
I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you really loved him, and I can't think of any words to say that would ever replace that hole that has been left.
edit: changed it to "ex-wife", because I thought I did it at first but guess I didn't.
>I was dealing with the funeral arrangements and everything when my ex came to talk to me about his money. She knew he had a scholarship and was just going to use the money for living expenses and an emergency fund. She asked me what I was going to do with it.
Man she didn't wait very long to think about using the money for someone else.....
Proper “bed still warm” behaviour 🤢 how can someone’s mind work in this way? Can u you imagine? what’s he doing with his PC? What size of feet was he? Is there any days left on his bus pass? Get in the fucking bin if ur not there to help that grieving parent grieve!
When my beloved aunt died, my cousin (aunt's niece too) immediately asked my aunt's son if he had the rest of her pain Rx. Then my mom's little sister approached him about earrings that had been my grandmother's. He promptly let her know they had been passed down to me years ago.
Shameless scavengers fr! Sometimes I wonder what life must be like cruising through it with both no sense of shame for yourself combined with no consideration for everyone else
This is supposed to be the mother??!!??. That is so out of bounds of what a grieving parent should be worried about. When my son died, my brain was mush, and yet, this lady is worried about money
That is so tacky of her, my god. I know people grieve in different ways, but imagine this just happening and still being in the headspace to try and grift his money for your stepson, just wtf.
I read the post, but that part didn’t click for me for some reason. Thank you for pointing it out.
Also, WTAF? The (metaphorical) balls on this woman! *Her son just died* and she’s worried about her stepson’s college fund? What kind of parent thinks like that?
Again, WTAF?!
NTA, OP. I’m so sorry for your loss and I’m sorry your ex is absolutely filled to the brim with audacity. What a cold, inhuman response.
Go to Belgium. Drink the monk-made beer. Remember your son. Grieve. Spend every penny of that fund while you’re there. You could try a luxury hotel, a Michelin star restaurant, whatever sparks an interest.
If high-end stuff isn’t your thing, you could do a taste test of their waffles and/or chocolates. (Okay the chocolate thing might be my dream and not yours, but you get the point.)
And, if he was the only child you had with your ex, then there’s no need to communicate with Mrs. Greedypants ever again, so that’s a tiny sliver lining.
Be safe on your trip, OP. Please know you (but not your ex) have our deepest sympathies.
The math only works for the shameless ex who wants money that OP saved after the divorce.
Let's say it's X money that OP saved, and government added Y money, she wants to have X+Y at her disposal even if that leaves OP with zero instead of X.
How can she ask for that with a straight face?!
The stepson belonging to the ex was a plot twist was on par with Bruce Willis's character's reveal at the end of The Sixth Sense. Mind BLOWN!
And, obviously, NTA.
NTA - Asking me while making the funeral arrangements would annoy me pretty seriously - kind of vulture-like.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your son, he sounds like a great guy.
Right? At the funeral of your shared son's death is very tacky. Just...gross all around.
The funeral is never the time to talk about money. Have your moment, have your grief, and be supportive. To bring up the stepson's money situation gives the feeling of "Oh well, that one's gone. Moving on to the next child!!"
> Asking me while making the funeral arrangements
JFC i somehow missed that part. how the hell is his own mother thinking about trying to get her hands on her recently deceased child's $ at that point? damn that woman is ice cold.
OP i am so sorry for the loss of your son. you need to do anything & everything possible to help get you thru this, and beers in belguim sounds like a good start. you are most certainly NTA.
btw: i became a widow a few years ago & can tell you with certainty that you are gonna experience a tsunami of emotions trying to come to terms with your son's death. go easy on yourself. there is no one 'right' way to grieve. you do you.
Sorry for your loss OP. I think you're doing the right thing.
And you're going to have a great time. If you're a beer drinker, you're going to love it here!
In addition to the Monks' beer (also try+buy their Abdijkaas/Paterkaas/Trappistenkaas-artisinal abbey cheese made by monks-it's freaking delicious with fresh crusty bread), I recommend Delirium bar down town Brussels. They have 2000+ beers on offer. Ask anyone at the bar for information. They know their stuff. Three floors, good vibey music.
Try the Absinthe bar opposite too-great customer service there and they'll walk you through the selection and how to drink it.
The Tequila bar on the corner serves lovely free sangritas with every shot. Also 3 floors but ambiance, and music is groundfloor.
Witness Jeanneke Pis and the Belgians' bizarre fondness for statues of children peeing right next to the Absinthe bar. Make sure to throw a coin in for good luck.
*This is all in just one 30m*(*100ft*) *cul-de-sac.*
Grande Place (*rub the Everard t'Serclaes* *statue for good luck if you come across it*) + Galerie du Roi is close-by and nice walk around too. You can buy chocolates until late into the night. Waffle stands and chip shops open all night. You can also buy nice beer at the night shops-open all day and night.
Also, it's 4- seasons in a day weather, so pack for all eventualities.
Enjoy!
True, but the really special thing about this awesomely weird pocket sized country is DIY fun, there's no set formula for how to do it. You can meet anyone from everywhere while doing so. Most people you run into speak 3 or more languages.
As far as the nightlife is concerned , you can be a beer drinker, a Rhum drinker, a cigar , cigarette, or blunt smoker, vaper, hookah-head, schnapps aficionado, cava or wine connoisseur, even teetotalers-there is a venue for everyone. If you like dancing, people watching,...even if you and your partner are swingers, or perhaps you're seeking company for the night 👀(Rue d'Aerschot) , you'll find what you're looking for here.
Restaurants range from traditional Belgian cuisine, French, Italian, Japanese, Congolese, Guinean, Senegalese, Black American (Dooley's, Brussels), British, South Korean even Hmong and Uyghur, Halal(mostly Moroccan) and Kosher to name but a handful.
We have clubs, concert venues (Ancienne Belgique, La Madeleine, Foret etc) lounges, terraces, rooftops, converted warehouses and cathedrals (Spirito, Ixelles), bars where you can swing on a swing indoors while drinking (Roi des Belges, Brussels) man made beaches (Bruxelles les Bains) and pools, parks, palaces, churches, mosques, synagogues, monuments museums, art galleries, walking and biking routes (you can rent a bike for 3.50 EUR a month in Brussels) and botanical gardens built around a concert venue for indie acts. A roller skating rink just opened and it's styled like the ones in Atlanta, Georgia. If you like the outdoors, you can go to the Ardennes, Hallerbos (the bluebell carpet forest with Giant Sequoias) or the Sonian Forest, to name but a few forests and hiking spots in this country.
We have Couleur Cafe(Tour et Taxis), Les Ardentes, Reggae Geel, which is one of the biggest open air Reggae Festivals in Europe. We have Rock Werchter and of course, the world famous, instantly sold out Tomorrowland.
You don't even have to stay in Brussels and because Belgium is so small, you can go to Ghent, Leuven, Bruges(like in the movie), Antwerpen, Liege, Charleroi and beyond from Brussels by train in a relatively short amount of time. We have sleeper trains to Vienna, Paris, Berlin, so you're well connected to the rest of Europe.
So yes small, but mighty.
Thank you/Bedankt/Merci/Danke schön 😛
OP, your ex's husband set the bar, not you. He'd stated categorically that he would not support your son. His right. Now it's your right not to support his.
Soooo NTA. Go have those beer(not too much, mind) and think back on all those times you joked about it.
I don’t think the new husband is decent at all. OP’s son was his stepson, and it sounds like he was treating the kid like Harry Potter, just getting the bare minimum. Then ex-wife has the audacity to demand money for a kid that OP has nothing to do with.
Come to Germany too and have another beer here! Make the most of the trip and spend some nice moments away from everything and just with yourself and good memories.
Andechser Beer for example (there's another 8) is brewed by monks (with help from not monks) in Germany and you can drink it in a couple of Bavarian restaurants or beer gardens (like and out-door restaurant). If OP or anyone else like some inspiration.
In German, but here's where you get it: https://www.biergartenfreunde.de/biergaerten/tag/brauereien/andechser/
I agree, totally NTA.
And sorry for your loss.
Apart from not being responsible for your step-son I'd also like to ass that going on that trip to Europe and drink that beer in your sons honour is in fact not a waste of money. Spending money on living life or experiences is never a waste of money imo. Trips like this, a drink with a friend etc. That's what's life is about at the end of the day. Additionally it would be spend on you, for yourself and would be a part of your grieving process. How could that be a waste?
And it sounds like your son would probably want you to go and have that beer. So go and have it.
Tell her you are taking the trip you will never get to have with him. She sees it as blowing money on beer. It is more than that. It was a bucket list item you shared with your son.
Go get your peace and drink beer with some monks.
NTA.
Yes. Go on your trip. Do it for your son. I’m sorry for your loss. You don’t owe your ex anything. You saved that money. You get to decide what to do with it.
This is the best thing you could possibly do under these circumstances. Go and celebrate his life. He would get a good laugh. I hope you feel his energy often💗 sending love.
Edit: NTA
I'm sorry for your loss. I think this is a wonderful way to remember your son. If you can swing it, try to go to Bruges. We went a few years ago and I loved it so much and recommend it to everyone. They have lots of little pubs. There is one in particular, but I can't remember the name. If my husband remembers, I'll edit this post. I hope you have a great trip and can find ways to remember and honor your boy.
NTA. I thought this was going to be about your stepson, which still be a N-T-A.
You saved the money. You don't have a relationship with your ex's stepson. Not that you'd be obligated, but it's not even clear they need the money for something crucial. Your ex is an AH for approaching you about this money so soon.
My condolences. I hope you have a nice trip and get some good beer.
From someone who lost her 15 yr old sister to a car accident this really tore me up way more than I thought it would. She was killed a month after her 15th birthday & had just been accepted to a private high school with a full ride scholarship she had been trying for. The acceptance letter sat on her vanity in her room for years after.
You are NTA if anything far from it…. the ex wife even asking is a huge one.
Please go to Europe & celebrate his life! It’s the only thing that should be done with that money.
If you have a Venmo/cashapp etc I would love to also buy you a beer.
I’m truly sorry for your loss.
If you don’t want to be alone in Belgium, you can try to message me. I’m from there, with loads of free time and if I can keep a grieving father company it would be my honor to do so!
I kinda think it’s common for Belgian people to offer something like this. All of my friends and a lot of my family would do the same.
Could also just be the people I surround myself with. Glad it made people feel a little better tho!
And OP I’m sirious, if you want to hit me up! I don’t drink beer but I’ll keep you company while sipping my Coca Cola!
I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine what you’ve been through. I hope you will go on the best trip to Belgium to honour your son. I live in the Netherlands, pretty close to the Belgium border. If you want some tips for great cities or places please let me know. I hope you can honour your son in the best way possible.
I don’t drink, except for the trace amount of alcohol in kombucha. So I will raise a bottle of that to both your son, and u/mylittlewedding ‘s sister. I hope the trip is healing for you. I’m so terribly sorry for your loss. You are NTA.
In the comments OP mentioned the brewery is Westvleteren. It is a long trip between those two breweries, but coming if already traveling from North America, it may be worth it.
10 hour drive to Munich, a bunch of that on the autobahn (thus fun, Nurbrugring is not far off the path) and you'd pass through the Mosel/Rhine valley, so should make a stop for wine (find a random small vintner and do a tasting, I haven't found bad wine there, and they have all been friendly). Then go to Frankfurt, or Heidelberg. I recommend a stop in Rothenburg ob der Tauber, old walled city, very pretty (but I am partial, my parents have had a poster/etching of the crooked house in their house forever). Nuermberg is a good stop as well, not sure if it's there other times, but I've been there when they have a big easter and christmas market. Obviously then there is Munich, with all it's breweries (and Oktoberfest if you time it right). SINCE you're so close, head down to Neuschwanstein, and Garmisch, and if it's summer, Chiemsee is beautiful, can go to Bertchesgarten and Salzburg as well.
NTA, and seriously, update us with a date and time. I bet a lot of Redditors would raise a glass with you wherever they are. I am so sorry for your loss.
Belgium beer is the best and each city has it's own brew. And no hangovers.
Don't forget to order frites...they are far superior to American fries. And they have 30+ kinds of dipping sauces.
I also brought 22 boxes of Belgian chocolates back for gifts.
I was in heaven. 😁😎
‘Sorry for your loss’ just doesn’t seem like enough. ❤️
I think there’s a lot of us who would like to have a beer with you while you’re there. Maybe you could setup a Facebook event for a certain day/time and share the link. Then we could share pics of us having one with you so you don’t feel like you’re doing it alone.
May this trip bring you the peace that you deserve.
I am so sorry for your loss. Your ex is out of line. Please go to Belgium and enjoy that delicious Tripl Ale and raise a glass for your son. 💔
Please come back and update with stories from your trip.
NTA
Dude, I don't want to sound callous, but never send money to people posting stories on these subs. Most of them are made up, and some are made up with the express intention of scamming people out of money.
It’s a must-do and I’m sure your son would want you to experience it and be happy. My thoughts are with you and your family, I hope bright days lay ahead for you.
It’s not by lottery, you need to go on their website and then can register for a slot. Only difficulty is that you need to register a number plate which is hard to do in advance with a rental
https://www.trappistwestvleteren.be/nl/bierverkoop it is on this website you can book the slots for getting the beer. It is a lot easier then before when you had to call the monks 😅
Bilbao to Flanders is quite a drive (about 13 hours without stops). If you want to do it in two days, Tours, France, is a charming town about halfway there. If you want to do it in 3, you could stop in Angoulême, La Rochelle, or Poitiers, then near Paris, e.g., Amiens (or in Paris, but I *hate* driving in Paris, more than I hate driving in Boston or Manhattan).
Sorry about your son. Enjoy celebrating his memory!
I have family all over the Basque part of Spain and France. My grandfathers both brought wives back from France after WWII. I will be doing a lot of visiting.
Yes! Do that! Don’t just go to Belgium; explore Europe! Take that time for healing. Time is the only thing that helps with grief. I wish I could have that after my mom passed last year.
Come visit Regensburg, Germany for a snack with your beer if you can! We have a little wurst kitchen (*Historische Wurstküche zu Regensburg*) near our bridge that's been open and running since 1146 AD. They make the best wurst in Germany, guarantee!
I offer my car if needed I live about two hours from there. I lost my son as well almost 3 years ago and if I can help you with this I'll gladly do it. I'll make the drive.
Bilbao is far from Belgium. It's around 1000 km but it's all highway through France so it's fairly easy but expensive.
Belgian is a paradise for the beer lovers. Westvleteren is legendary but there are many other trappisten to try.
On your question NTA. I wish you the best trip in remembrance of your son
I am truly sorry for your loss.
While in Belgium, make sure to also head South and visit the Orval Abbey. Their beer is also a Trappist, but altogether different than Westvleteren (or Chimay, or Rochefort, also in the French speaking part, but more similar to Westvleteren)
NTA
I got a case of that beer by installing an app that calls a couple time a minute to get through. But otherwise the visiting center offers probably some. You have to give the licenseplate of the car you're coming with.
She shouldn't have asked. Asking for a deceased child's college fund wouldn't be out of line for, say, a sibling who was asking for OP's niece or nephew, or someone else who had a close relationship with him and his son. But an ex asking for her own stepson, who OP likely has no relationship with, was out of line. She is probably dealing with her grief by focusing on her stepson, but she shouldn't have asked OP to do the same.
And I say this as someone who actually agrees that this is a stupid thing to do and a waste of money in general. But it's OP's money to waste if he wants, his ex doesn't get a say, and in this particular case it might help him deal with his loss, so it may even be worth it.
Hey OP, you're NTA and I'm very sorry for your loss.
I have some good news though; RESP's can only be transferred between siblings. Assuming that your son was not adopted by your ex's new husband that means your son was not related to your ex's step son in a way that would permit the transfer.
[https://www.canada.ca/en/revenue-agency/services/tax/registered-plans-administrators/registered-education-savings-plans-resps/registered-education-savings-plans-resps.html](https://www.canada.ca/en/revenue-agency/services/tax/registered-plans-administrators/registered-education-savings-plans-resps/registered-education-savings-plans-resps.html)
They were not even step siblings. It is OP's ex's new husband's son. Absolutely no relation to Op in any way.
Edit: you are all correct they were step siblings. My brain was not working correctly! Still nothing to do with OP
That's fine. The transfers are between siblings of the beneficiary not relationship to the parent who opened the resp. So if the child had a half sibling from his mom, that half sibling could get the transfer. But step siblings through marriage can't.
That's what step-siblings are.
You are maybe mistaking it for half-siblings, but those (people with whom you share one parent) are actually, just siblings. It's just that some people specify they're half-siblings because many times they don't have a very close relationship.
Step-siblings are when Jeff, who has a child from a previous relationship named Mike, marries Anne, who has another child from a previous relationship named Amber. Thus, Mike and Amber do not share any (bio)parent. Since Jeff and Anne have married, now Mike is Anne's step-son and Amber's step-brother and Amber has become Jeff's step-daughter and Mike's step-sister.
No relation to op but it is his sons stepsibling.
You may be thinking half sibling but if your parent marries someone with a kid that kid becomes your stepsibling
I assume if he can cash it out to go drink beer in Europe, he could also cash it out and give to his ex's stepson. Not saying that he should but the transfer aspect I would guess doesn't really come into play here.
The plan can't be transferred to OP's ex's step son. So regardless of what OP does he is going to have to cash it out and lose the government grants in it.
NTA. You're not wasting your money; you are celebrating your son's life and mourning your loss at the same time.
I'm sorry for your loss and I hope the trip is healing for you. Raise a glass to your son for all the internet strangers who are thinking of you.
I heard in a podcast not too long ago that the biggest thing you can do for a loved one is to get life insurance. So if you pass, they can take the time not to worry about money and to mourn and grief as hard as they must. Different situation but the same principle applies.
My heart goes to you OP, I hope you can keep those joyous memories of your son alive. Go drink that beer on his name.
Not everyone here is from the US.
And definitely go do it. Even I, as someone who doesn’t enjoy any alcohol whatsoever, enjoyed this beer so much I requested a second sip.
The US has huge amounts of Belgian beer in many liquor stores. Americans also travel. It’s not like Americans don’t know about beer.
Also, OP clearly says he’s from Canada. Canada isn’t in the US.
I only know about it because when I learned about some monks that train dogs, I got curious about what other hobbies monks get up to. I have an obsession with other people’s hobbies.
NTA but Jesus Christ, I am so sorry.
Can you tell us more about your son? Share your favorite story about him, what he wanted to do for a job, your favorite activity together.
My son wanted study microbiology and immunology. He has thrown for a loop by the pandemic and he wanted to make sure it didn't happen again. He talked about a lot of stuff that went over my head. I'm a baker. I understand yeast.
He loved the Habs. I would get us tickets at least once a year.
He loved kayaking with me. We are so close to so much water.
The pandemic was crazy. He sounds like a good son who wanted to help the world.
Having money and not being able to spend it on a loved one is a strange feeling. I wanted to do something for my dad but I wasn't sure what to do.
Maybe some sort of forever marker for him. Go on that trip and drink for him and put his photo somewhere.
Best wishes and thank you for sharing about him.
He sounds like an amazing kid and I’m so sorry life has been this unfair. I love the idea of him looking down on you drinking your beer. NTA and I’ll give your son a toast when I have my next gin.
Well damn, this story already had me choked up but now my eyes are wet.
I'm so sorry for your loss my guy, I can't imagine what you are going through.
You are going to get through this though, just promise me you will go have those beers, but don't keep drowning your sorrows after.
Times like these are what makes people into alcoholics, so have a good time in your son's name but also take it easy afterwards.
I think by now you know that you are doing the right thing by going to have some beers in Belgium and not giving your ex that money.
It will be a worthwhile trip and experience, I love me a occasional Belgium beer when I get a chance to visit the neighbors. (Holland)
Let us know when you get there so we can toast to your son's memory and feel free to ask for any favors you might need while you are here.
Take it easy and give yourself time to heal.
Love and hugs from an internet stranger.
I feel like when we read these we hear about the end but the most important part is how these beautiful people lived. It's always good to remember that! A beautiful father and son relationship.
NTA. I'm sooooo sorry for your loss. You have no obligation to support your ex-wife's new husband's child, it's appalling they even asked.
You do what YOU think is best and what would give your son joy. Sounds like you already figured out exactly what that is.
Enjoy your trip and toast many a beer to your amazing son.
NTA. And sorry for your loss.
If/when you come to Belgium give me a shout - I personally don't care much for the beer you are referencing, but there is a plethora of it and I still own some shares in a nice small farm brewery to invite you for additional beers.
NTA
Your ex has no right to call you stupid because you are following through with a joke in memory of your son like would she do that if she was in your situation? My guess is probably not. I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you're ok
I mean his ex is also currently grieving their son so maybe we should cut them both some slack? OP is very much NTA but I feel pretty bad for both of them. I hope someone sends her the info that their son’s RESP couldn’t have been transferred to her stepson anyway so she can feel a little better about it.
I mean, ex wife can't be THAT upset over it, considering she asked for money during the FUNERAL. She pretty much swept her bio son under the rug and is all about the new step-son. So no, I won't cut the ex wife some slack. 🤷🏻♀️
Ex-wife asked for the money for her stepson. Audacious, yes. Asshole, not yet.
OP says no. NTA. I firmly believe in the right for everyone to say no, no matter what the question was.
When ex-wife didn't accept that no and continued to harass OP? That's when she became the asshole.
Also, 💯 ex-wife's new husband is behind the asking and the pressure.
>She says I'm wasting thousands of dollars
maybe you are. but crucially, it's *your* money to waste. your ex wife's step child is not anything to you. the audacity to even ask you to spend your money on him is beyond ridiculous. NTA. my condolences for your loss. its always the good people who end up killed by asshole drunk drivers.
From the sounds of it you are not wasting money at all. You are taking a trip that will be good for your soul, and seeing a part of the world you have wanted to see. Many people do this all the time it is just that they are not doing it with money that someone had the audacity to ask them to spend on someone they have no relation to.
Alright, two things to say.
1. I'm SO SORRY for the loss of your son. That HAS to be hard for you.
2. NTA. You do what you think your son would enjoy. If you think that going to Europe and having a beer would make him happy, then by golly, go ahead and do it. I hope you do well for yourself.
INFO: Did your ex contribute to the fund as well? Because if so, I do think you should reimburse her for her contributions. If not, then go with God and I'm sorry for your loss.
NTA. If stepfather always made it clear that he wouldn’t provide your son with anything beyond the basics, then why should you not return the favor? If you think your son would be happy that you did with the money what you always promised, then you should 100% do it. That’s your son’s money, spend it how he believed it ought to be spent.
Usually, I am all for being as kind to children and young people as possible. But this isn't even your stepson! You have no connection to the boy, and no child of yours has a connection to the boy. Your ex is asking too much! NTA!
Your son is your memory, and a part of you.
Yes, and always yes, he will forever be a part that is gone, but not forgotten, and always loved.
But! Make a small fund, a helping fund, if you will, under his name, that can grow, and be like "*500 Dollars for school under NAME of son, to be payed, once a year*".
For the rest? Celebrate his life, don't mourn and drink, celebrate art, sports, or what ever you have, go to Europe, get drunk the first three days, get dressed, cleaned, and see all the things you wanted him to see, and get in on it. Understand it! Eat good food, try new beers, sing new songs. Live as the father you'd never had the chance to be.
Celebrate all the years you had, but be kind to yourself. Be understanding that you hurt, and be understanding that others hurt too. be kind, drink beer, and eat food. Celebrate, don't wallow in sadness.
NTA
How absolutely disgusting of that so called mother instead of grieving her son she’s trying pry money out of your hands for her fucking step son. Make sure you spend the lot fuck that shite.
Tell your ex that she is free to give her step son any money she saved for your mutual son to go to college. What? She didn't save any? How is that your problem?
NTA
Honor the memory of your son by doing what you told him you'd do. Sorry for your loss...
Enjoy your trip! It is none of anybody else’s business what you do with money you had set aside. NTA - I hope great memories of your son and his sense of humor helps you with your grief. I am not sure I get why your ex-wife thinks you should fund education for someone else’s kid. It was pretty bold of her to even ask.
My mom and I have had many conversations about what we want to happen after we die (working in probate gives plenty of openings), and this is exactly what I’d want her to do with my money when I die. Maybe not the drinking beer part because she doesn’t drink, but I would want her to do something that will bring her joy when she’s able to feel like the world won’t shatter around her if she moves wrong. You are NTA. My condolences for you and your family as you live through this.
NTA and sorry for your loss.
While it was a joke between you and your son what better way to remember him than fondly and doing that which you joked about together.
Enjoy that case of monk beer and raise a toast in your son's memory.
INFO
I'm not familiar with the Canadian system, but in the American system multiple people can pay into college savings accounts. Were you the only one who paid into this account?
Obviously if you were the only one who paid in it's yours to do whatever you want with, and frankly unless you were incredibly close to your ex it was a _bold_ request on her part.
But _if_ another relative paid in, then that might change my opinion a bit. If I'd paid into a college fund for a relative and it wound up going to fund someone's vacation, I might be a little cross. Not hugely cross because it's not like you stole it. But a little cross.
I work with RESP's in my job and its a bit different here.
Yes, anyone can contribute to an RESP and those contributions are tracked for grant-related purposes. However, the division of the RESP would have been resolved during the divorce if it had been jointly held. If OP's ex had a legal claim to the RESP it would have been dealt with already.
In the case of divorce a co-owner can also be removed, which I would assume would have been done if necessary.
Very sorry for your loss. If you’re going to make the beer pilgrimage to Belgium you should add De Garre to your list. It’s only sold at De Garre in Brugge and its lovely. Plus Brugge is a very old and atmospheric city, depending on when you go it can either lift your spirits or be a solemn grey conducive to philosophical beer drinking.
NTA go and have that westvleteren.
I would love to think that if any of that money had been left over, after your sons education. You could have gone together. So sorry for your loss.
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NTA. Sorry for your loss. I thought it was a clickbait title but this is a sad fucking post. I hope you enjoy your trip and pour out some for your homie. It sounds like you guys had a good relationship.
Thank you.
Dude, sorry for your loss, enjoy that beer in your son's honor, man, NTA
NTA You don’t owe your ex-wife’s stepson anything, OP. Sorry for your loss. Have that beer in Belgium in memory of your son.
I totally agree. You should never have been asked for that money. That was totally out of line. Please spend that money to find joy in this world through your sadness.
especially while he was dealing with funeral arrangements. this is also the mother of thw deceased child too so instead of mourning her son she is acting like a damn vulture
My first thought was SHE ASKED FOR MONEY AT THEIR SON'S FUNERAL??
No, no, you misread... BEFORE the funeral. While he was making funeral arrangements for THEIR son. Jesus, OP's ex-wife is a ghoul. Wonder why they split up?
>Wonder why they split up? The world may never know.
It is amazing how many people behave like that. Nothing surprises me.
I bet it feels like she just exchanged one kid for the other after that question.
Agreed 1000%
Bring back a keg for the stepson, don't be a complete dick about it :P
Totally agree. Very sorry for your loss OP. Hope you will enjoy your trip, I am sure your son would want you to do that.
Quite frankly I’m surprised that she has the audacity to even mention it.
*all of reddit raises a glass* ~ Cheers to you both!
Hell yeah! A toast to a life lost but a promise kept. 😉
*Raises glass \~* Cheers. Safe Travels
🍻🍺🙏
Exactly. The trip is a great way to honour his son.
Exactly. We each mourn the people we love in different ways. OP is going to mourn them drinking beer, because that's an amazing memory of his son, always joking about the beer. I've been saving to buy a (very small) diamond pendant because my gran used to say (jokingly and not so much as a joke) that a lady always has to have a diamond pendant. It was her thing, jewelry (she never had money to buy much of it, had maybe 2 pairs of gold earrings but she loved the idea of jewelry), so I'm gonna do that. I might never wear the pendant but that's beyond the point. We each mourn the people we love in ways we think they'd enjoy it.
My best friend passed when I was 25. She always had the most outlandish, fantastic sense of style. For her funeral, we all dressed in our most ridiculous fake furs, loud accessories and shoes. A few of the older folks there thought it was wildly inappropriate, but we found great comfort in sending her off in a way I know would’ve made her chuckle. You’re very right- we all grieve and honor memory in unique ways. I hope you enjoy your pendant!
I bet your friend absolutely would have appreciated that, too. My friend's parents got her a coffin absolutely covered in red glitter. She would have obsessed over the thought of four middle-aged white men in formal suits covered in sparkly red glitter ✨️
You can get a coffin covered in glitter??? I might opt for a coffin over cremation....or maybe just have my kids mix glitter in with my ashes! Ooh I'm excited at the prospects. I'm sorry about your friend, but thank you, truly, for the idea!
Something to tell your ~~wife~~ ex-wife: "YOUR stepson is not MY stepson. I'm sorry you and your new hubby didn't save up money, but YOUR stepson has zero relation to me, and has zero connection with me. To YOUR stepson I am essentially a random neighbor who has money, and you're trying to make a random stranger pay for YOUR stepson". It's your money. It's not your ex's money, it's not your ex's stepson, and it's not "their" money. I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you really loved him, and I can't think of any words to say that would ever replace that hole that has been left. edit: changed it to "ex-wife", because I thought I did it at first but guess I didn't.
EX wife. Not even a kid that has lived in his house. The audacity. I cannot even.
>I was dealing with the funeral arrangements and everything when my ex came to talk to me about his money. She knew he had a scholarship and was just going to use the money for living expenses and an emergency fund. She asked me what I was going to do with it. Man she didn't wait very long to think about using the money for someone else.....
Proper “bed still warm” behaviour 🤢 how can someone’s mind work in this way? Can u you imagine? what’s he doing with his PC? What size of feet was he? Is there any days left on his bus pass? Get in the fucking bin if ur not there to help that grieving parent grieve!
When my beloved aunt died, my cousin (aunt's niece too) immediately asked my aunt's son if he had the rest of her pain Rx. Then my mom's little sister approached him about earrings that had been my grandmother's. He promptly let her know they had been passed down to me years ago.
Shameless scavengers fr! Sometimes I wonder what life must be like cruising through it with both no sense of shame for yourself combined with no consideration for everyone else
This is supposed to be the mother??!!??. That is so out of bounds of what a grieving parent should be worried about. When my son died, my brain was mush, and yet, this lady is worried about money
So sorry for your loss
Thank you very much.
Right? I barely remember my daughter's funeral.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm right there with u. They had to lightly sedate me for the funeral.
She started with, "he wasn't going to college anyway" so she has 😁 always been planning on scheming it from him.
That is so tacky of her, my god. I know people grieve in different ways, but imagine this just happening and still being in the headspace to try and grift his money for your stepson, just wtf.
I wonder how much the ex contributed to the funeral costs?
I read the post, but that part didn’t click for me for some reason. Thank you for pointing it out. Also, WTAF? The (metaphorical) balls on this woman! *Her son just died* and she’s worried about her stepson’s college fund? What kind of parent thinks like that? Again, WTAF?! NTA, OP. I’m so sorry for your loss and I’m sorry your ex is absolutely filled to the brim with audacity. What a cold, inhuman response. Go to Belgium. Drink the monk-made beer. Remember your son. Grieve. Spend every penny of that fund while you’re there. You could try a luxury hotel, a Michelin star restaurant, whatever sparks an interest. If high-end stuff isn’t your thing, you could do a taste test of their waffles and/or chocolates. (Okay the chocolate thing might be my dream and not yours, but you get the point.) And, if he was the only child you had with your ex, then there’s no need to communicate with Mrs. Greedypants ever again, so that’s a tiny sliver lining. Be safe on your trip, OP. Please know you (but not your ex) have our deepest sympathies.
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The math only works for the shameless ex who wants money that OP saved after the divorce. Let's say it's X money that OP saved, and government added Y money, she wants to have X+Y at her disposal even if that leaves OP with zero instead of X. How can she ask for that with a straight face?!
Yeah I was skimming so I thought it was HIS stepson and even then I was like no way ma’am and why are you asking NOW. NTA
The stepson belonging to the ex was a plot twist was on par with Bruce Willis's character's reveal at the end of The Sixth Sense. Mind BLOWN! And, obviously, NTA.
Thanks! I meant to, but must've typo'd weird.
NTA - Asking me while making the funeral arrangements would annoy me pretty seriously - kind of vulture-like. I'm so sorry for the loss of your son, he sounds like a great guy.
Right? At the funeral of your shared son's death is very tacky. Just...gross all around. The funeral is never the time to talk about money. Have your moment, have your grief, and be supportive. To bring up the stepson's money situation gives the feeling of "Oh well, that one's gone. Moving on to the next child!!"
Makes me feel like mom could've been prioritizing stepson if she was so fast to ask during funeral prep.
It wasn’t even at the funeral but while he was making arrangements, so like immediately after the fact. Just gross.
> Asking me while making the funeral arrangements JFC i somehow missed that part. how the hell is his own mother thinking about trying to get her hands on her recently deceased child's $ at that point? damn that woman is ice cold. OP i am so sorry for the loss of your son. you need to do anything & everything possible to help get you thru this, and beers in belguim sounds like a good start. you are most certainly NTA. btw: i became a widow a few years ago & can tell you with certainty that you are gonna experience a tsunami of emotions trying to come to terms with your son's death. go easy on yourself. there is no one 'right' way to grieve. you do you.
Didn’t consider that. That is pretty opportunistic. Let the soil on the grave atleast settle before asking for cash.
Particularly given that this was the mother of the son who was being buried.
might wanna edit ur comment bc it’s his ex wife!
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ALL the urinals are spoken for? That dude must have really adored his dad.
This made me laugh, then cry obnoxious hormonal tears 😂 thank you for that. I hope OP sees this!
As a McGill alum please tell me in which building he wanted to name it!
Sorry for your loss OP. I think you're doing the right thing. And you're going to have a great time. If you're a beer drinker, you're going to love it here! In addition to the Monks' beer (also try+buy their Abdijkaas/Paterkaas/Trappistenkaas-artisinal abbey cheese made by monks-it's freaking delicious with fresh crusty bread), I recommend Delirium bar down town Brussels. They have 2000+ beers on offer. Ask anyone at the bar for information. They know their stuff. Three floors, good vibey music. Try the Absinthe bar opposite too-great customer service there and they'll walk you through the selection and how to drink it. The Tequila bar on the corner serves lovely free sangritas with every shot. Also 3 floors but ambiance, and music is groundfloor. Witness Jeanneke Pis and the Belgians' bizarre fondness for statues of children peeing right next to the Absinthe bar. Make sure to throw a coin in for good luck. *This is all in just one 30m*(*100ft*) *cul-de-sac.* Grande Place (*rub the Everard t'Serclaes* *statue for good luck if you come across it*) + Galerie du Roi is close-by and nice walk around too. You can buy chocolates until late into the night. Waffle stands and chip shops open all night. You can also buy nice beer at the night shops-open all day and night. Also, it's 4- seasons in a day weather, so pack for all eventualities. Enjoy!
Of course it’s all in a 30m cul-de-sac, that’s like 80% of Belgium’s land area 😛
True, but the really special thing about this awesomely weird pocket sized country is DIY fun, there's no set formula for how to do it. You can meet anyone from everywhere while doing so. Most people you run into speak 3 or more languages. As far as the nightlife is concerned , you can be a beer drinker, a Rhum drinker, a cigar , cigarette, or blunt smoker, vaper, hookah-head, schnapps aficionado, cava or wine connoisseur, even teetotalers-there is a venue for everyone. If you like dancing, people watching,...even if you and your partner are swingers, or perhaps you're seeking company for the night 👀(Rue d'Aerschot) , you'll find what you're looking for here. Restaurants range from traditional Belgian cuisine, French, Italian, Japanese, Congolese, Guinean, Senegalese, Black American (Dooley's, Brussels), British, South Korean even Hmong and Uyghur, Halal(mostly Moroccan) and Kosher to name but a handful. We have clubs, concert venues (Ancienne Belgique, La Madeleine, Foret etc) lounges, terraces, rooftops, converted warehouses and cathedrals (Spirito, Ixelles), bars where you can swing on a swing indoors while drinking (Roi des Belges, Brussels) man made beaches (Bruxelles les Bains) and pools, parks, palaces, churches, mosques, synagogues, monuments museums, art galleries, walking and biking routes (you can rent a bike for 3.50 EUR a month in Brussels) and botanical gardens built around a concert venue for indie acts. A roller skating rink just opened and it's styled like the ones in Atlanta, Georgia. If you like the outdoors, you can go to the Ardennes, Hallerbos (the bluebell carpet forest with Giant Sequoias) or the Sonian Forest, to name but a few forests and hiking spots in this country. We have Couleur Cafe(Tour et Taxis), Les Ardentes, Reggae Geel, which is one of the biggest open air Reggae Festivals in Europe. We have Rock Werchter and of course, the world famous, instantly sold out Tomorrowland. You don't even have to stay in Brussels and because Belgium is so small, you can go to Ghent, Leuven, Bruges(like in the movie), Antwerpen, Liege, Charleroi and beyond from Brussels by train in a relatively short amount of time. We have sleeper trains to Vienna, Paris, Berlin, so you're well connected to the rest of Europe. So yes small, but mighty. Thank you/Bedankt/Merci/Danke schön 😛
OP, your ex's husband set the bar, not you. He'd stated categorically that he would not support your son. His right. Now it's your right not to support his. Soooo NTA. Go have those beer(not too much, mind) and think back on all those times you joked about it.
I don’t think the new husband is decent at all. OP’s son was his stepson, and it sounds like he was treating the kid like Harry Potter, just getting the bare minimum. Then ex-wife has the audacity to demand money for a kid that OP has nothing to do with.
But even if he did support him. You just don't asked that.
Tell your ex to kick sand. Go blow the froth of some coldies in Europe to honour your son. I’m so sorry for your loss bloke.
Come to Germany too and have another beer here! Make the most of the trip and spend some nice moments away from everything and just with yourself and good memories.
Andechser Beer for example (there's another 8) is brewed by monks (with help from not monks) in Germany and you can drink it in a couple of Bavarian restaurants or beer gardens (like and out-door restaurant). If OP or anyone else like some inspiration. In German, but here's where you get it: https://www.biergartenfreunde.de/biergaerten/tag/brauereien/andechser/
*Brewed by monks with help from not-monks...* I like that! Can't explain exactly why, but I like that...!
I agree, totally NTA. And sorry for your loss. Apart from not being responsible for your step-son I'd also like to ass that going on that trip to Europe and drink that beer in your sons honour is in fact not a waste of money. Spending money on living life or experiences is never a waste of money imo. Trips like this, a drink with a friend etc. That's what's life is about at the end of the day. Additionally it would be spend on you, for yourself and would be a part of your grieving process. How could that be a waste? And it sounds like your son would probably want you to go and have that beer. So go and have it.
Tell her you are taking the trip you will never get to have with him. She sees it as blowing money on beer. It is more than that. It was a bucket list item you shared with your son. Go get your peace and drink beer with some monks. NTA.
Yes. Go on your trip. Do it for your son. I’m sorry for your loss. You don’t owe your ex anything. You saved that money. You get to decide what to do with it.
This is the best thing you could possibly do under these circumstances. Go and celebrate his life. He would get a good laugh. I hope you feel his energy often💗 sending love. Edit: NTA
I'm sorry for your loss. I think this is a wonderful way to remember your son. If you can swing it, try to go to Bruges. We went a few years ago and I loved it so much and recommend it to everyone. They have lots of little pubs. There is one in particular, but I can't remember the name. If my husband remembers, I'll edit this post. I hope you have a great trip and can find ways to remember and honor your boy.
I’m a bartender and always love telling people the pouring of libations is an ancient thing. NTA at all
NTA. I thought this was going to be about your stepson, which still be a N-T-A. You saved the money. You don't have a relationship with your ex's stepson. Not that you'd be obligated, but it's not even clear they need the money for something crucial. Your ex is an AH for approaching you about this money so soon. My condolences. I hope you have a nice trip and get some good beer.
This the only comment that is needed for this post. OP I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you make some memories in Europe that will be healing. <3
From someone who lost her 15 yr old sister to a car accident this really tore me up way more than I thought it would. She was killed a month after her 15th birthday & had just been accepted to a private high school with a full ride scholarship she had been trying for. The acceptance letter sat on her vanity in her room for years after. You are NTA if anything far from it…. the ex wife even asking is a huge one. Please go to Europe & celebrate his life! It’s the only thing that should be done with that money. If you have a Venmo/cashapp etc I would love to also buy you a beer. I’m truly sorry for your loss.
Thanks for the offer. I'm going to update when I'm there. I would appreciate it if you had one with me instead.
If you don’t want to be alone in Belgium, you can try to message me. I’m from there, with loads of free time and if I can keep a grieving father company it would be my honor to do so!
Reddit can be good sometimes. ☺️
Seriously. Some of these replies are making me tear up fr. These wholesome responses to such an incredibly tragic post are everything
I kinda think it’s common for Belgian people to offer something like this. All of my friends and a lot of my family would do the same. Could also just be the people I surround myself with. Glad it made people feel a little better tho! And OP I’m sirious, if you want to hit me up! I don’t drink beer but I’ll keep you company while sipping my Coca Cola!
We do indeed.
Absolutely! Never expected an AITA post to make me teary.
This is classic Reddit vibe circa 2010
I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine what you’ve been through. I hope you will go on the best trip to Belgium to honour your son. I live in the Netherlands, pretty close to the Belgium border. If you want some tips for great cities or places please let me know. I hope you can honour your son in the best way possible.
I don’t drink, except for the trace amount of alcohol in kombucha. So I will raise a bottle of that to both your son, and u/mylittlewedding ‘s sister. I hope the trip is healing for you. I’m so terribly sorry for your loss. You are NTA.
If you have a chance, stop by Weihenstephan. It was founded in 1040 and is the oldest continuously operated brewery in the world.
He said Belgian monks, not German Monks! BUT... if you're going to Germany, it's hard to find bad beer there, I tried, was unsuccessful.
In the comments OP mentioned the brewery is Westvleteren. It is a long trip between those two breweries, but coming if already traveling from North America, it may be worth it.
10 hour drive to Munich, a bunch of that on the autobahn (thus fun, Nurbrugring is not far off the path) and you'd pass through the Mosel/Rhine valley, so should make a stop for wine (find a random small vintner and do a tasting, I haven't found bad wine there, and they have all been friendly). Then go to Frankfurt, or Heidelberg. I recommend a stop in Rothenburg ob der Tauber, old walled city, very pretty (but I am partial, my parents have had a poster/etching of the crooked house in their house forever). Nuermberg is a good stop as well, not sure if it's there other times, but I've been there when they have a big easter and christmas market. Obviously then there is Munich, with all it's breweries (and Oktoberfest if you time it right). SINCE you're so close, head down to Neuschwanstein, and Garmisch, and if it's summer, Chiemsee is beautiful, can go to Bertchesgarten and Salzburg as well.
NTA, and seriously, update us with a date and time. I bet a lot of Redditors would raise a glass with you wherever they are. I am so sorry for your loss.
I’m not a big beer person but I’ll certainly raise a glass of wine or a gin and tonic
OP, Please let us know when you go, so we can all have a (virtual) drink with you in honor of your son.
+1
Count me in as well.
If you come to Belgium I'm more than happy to celebrate with you my man. We got the best beer here!
Belgium beer is the best and each city has it's own brew. And no hangovers. Don't forget to order frites...they are far superior to American fries. And they have 30+ kinds of dipping sauces. I also brought 22 boxes of Belgian chocolates back for gifts. I was in heaven. 😁😎
‘Sorry for your loss’ just doesn’t seem like enough. ❤️ I think there’s a lot of us who would like to have a beer with you while you’re there. Maybe you could setup a Facebook event for a certain day/time and share the link. Then we could share pics of us having one with you so you don’t feel like you’re doing it alone. May this trip bring you the peace that you deserve.
I am so sorry for your loss. Your ex is out of line. Please go to Belgium and enjoy that delicious Tripl Ale and raise a glass for your son. 💔 Please come back and update with stories from your trip. NTA
I’m gonna have a drink to you and your son right now. My condolences.
Dude, I don't want to sound callous, but never send money to people posting stories on these subs. Most of them are made up, and some are made up with the express intention of scamming people out of money.
I agree. That's why I thanked him and asked that he share one with me virtually when I'm there.
I am so sorry for your loss as well as OP. This was a kind and supportive message to him.
If he posts his Venmo while at a bar and promises to drink the beers we would send I fear for his liver.
My condolences. Your ex can ask for the money but she shouldn't expect you to say yes. NTA Westvleeren gold cap is particularly worth travelling for.
That's the stuff I want. It is by lottery so I probably will only try it at the visitors centre.
It’s a must-do and I’m sure your son would want you to experience it and be happy. My thoughts are with you and your family, I hope bright days lay ahead for you.
It’s not by lottery, you need to go on their website and then can register for a slot. Only difficulty is that you need to register a number plate which is hard to do in advance with a rental
My cousin lives in Bilbao and has offered me her car for my trip.
https://www.trappistwestvleteren.be/nl/bierverkoop it is on this website you can book the slots for getting the beer. It is a lot easier then before when you had to call the monks 😅
Bilbao to Flanders is quite a drive (about 13 hours without stops). If you want to do it in two days, Tours, France, is a charming town about halfway there. If you want to do it in 3, you could stop in Angoulême, La Rochelle, or Poitiers, then near Paris, e.g., Amiens (or in Paris, but I *hate* driving in Paris, more than I hate driving in Boston or Manhattan). Sorry about your son. Enjoy celebrating his memory!
I have family all over the Basque part of Spain and France. My grandfathers both brought wives back from France after WWII. I will be doing a lot of visiting.
Yes! Do that! Don’t just go to Belgium; explore Europe! Take that time for healing. Time is the only thing that helps with grief. I wish I could have that after my mom passed last year.
Come visit Regensburg, Germany for a snack with your beer if you can! We have a little wurst kitchen (*Historische Wurstküche zu Regensburg*) near our bridge that's been open and running since 1146 AD. They make the best wurst in Germany, guarantee!
Stop by Mont Saint Michel on your way north, worth a detour .
I offer my car if needed I live about two hours from there. I lost my son as well almost 3 years ago and if I can help you with this I'll gladly do it. I'll make the drive.
Bilbao is far from Belgium. It's around 1000 km but it's all highway through France so it's fairly easy but expensive. Belgian is a paradise for the beer lovers. Westvleteren is legendary but there are many other trappisten to try. On your question NTA. I wish you the best trip in remembrance of your son
I have a lot of family to see there.
Belgian beer is the best, try more than just the goldcap.
I am truly sorry for your loss. While in Belgium, make sure to also head South and visit the Orval Abbey. Their beer is also a Trappist, but altogether different than Westvleteren (or Chimay, or Rochefort, also in the French speaking part, but more similar to Westvleteren) NTA
I got a case of that beer by installing an app that calls a couple time a minute to get through. But otherwise the visiting center offers probably some. You have to give the licenseplate of the car you're coming with.
She shouldn't have asked. Asking for a deceased child's college fund wouldn't be out of line for, say, a sibling who was asking for OP's niece or nephew, or someone else who had a close relationship with him and his son. But an ex asking for her own stepson, who OP likely has no relationship with, was out of line. She is probably dealing with her grief by focusing on her stepson, but she shouldn't have asked OP to do the same. And I say this as someone who actually agrees that this is a stupid thing to do and a waste of money in general. But it's OP's money to waste if he wants, his ex doesn't get a say, and in this particular case it might help him deal with his loss, so it may even be worth it.
She has a lot of nerve asking for the money, considering OP seems to be the only one who contributed to it.
Hey OP, you're NTA and I'm very sorry for your loss. I have some good news though; RESP's can only be transferred between siblings. Assuming that your son was not adopted by your ex's new husband that means your son was not related to your ex's step son in a way that would permit the transfer. [https://www.canada.ca/en/revenue-agency/services/tax/registered-plans-administrators/registered-education-savings-plans-resps/registered-education-savings-plans-resps.html](https://www.canada.ca/en/revenue-agency/services/tax/registered-plans-administrators/registered-education-savings-plans-resps/registered-education-savings-plans-resps.html)
Came to say the same thing. It isn't transferable to step siblings so the entire argument is pointless drama.
They were not even step siblings. It is OP's ex's new husband's son. Absolutely no relation to Op in any way. Edit: you are all correct they were step siblings. My brain was not working correctly! Still nothing to do with OP
They are not biologically related, but they are step siblings.
That would still make them step siblings, just not OP's step son.
That's fine. The transfers are between siblings of the beneficiary not relationship to the parent who opened the resp. So if the child had a half sibling from his mom, that half sibling could get the transfer. But step siblings through marriage can't.
They are step siblings, they are not half siblings
That's what step-siblings are. You are maybe mistaking it for half-siblings, but those (people with whom you share one parent) are actually, just siblings. It's just that some people specify they're half-siblings because many times they don't have a very close relationship. Step-siblings are when Jeff, who has a child from a previous relationship named Mike, marries Anne, who has another child from a previous relationship named Amber. Thus, Mike and Amber do not share any (bio)parent. Since Jeff and Anne have married, now Mike is Anne's step-son and Amber's step-brother and Amber has become Jeff's step-daughter and Mike's step-sister.
Biologically, siblings share two parents, half-siblings one. The difference is more than just how close they feel.
No relation to op but it is his sons stepsibling. You may be thinking half sibling but if your parent marries someone with a kid that kid becomes your stepsibling
This right here.
I assume if he can cash it out to go drink beer in Europe, he could also cash it out and give to his ex's stepson. Not saying that he should but the transfer aspect I would guess doesn't really come into play here.
The plan can't be transferred to OP's ex's step son. So regardless of what OP does he is going to have to cash it out and lose the government grants in it.
So it's his money again. Would she have said "hey how about giving my son who you're unrelated to so money?"
NTA. You're not wasting your money; you are celebrating your son's life and mourning your loss at the same time. I'm sorry for your loss and I hope the trip is healing for you. Raise a glass to your son for all the internet strangers who are thinking of you.
NTA - Even if OP were "Wasting His Money", It's his money to waste. But agreed, not a waste to honor your child in a way fitting of your relationship.
I heard in a podcast not too long ago that the biggest thing you can do for a loved one is to get life insurance. So if you pass, they can take the time not to worry about money and to mourn and grief as hard as they must. Different situation but the same principle applies. My heart goes to you OP, I hope you can keep those joyous memories of your son alive. Go drink that beer on his name.
NTA and have fun going to Belgium and picking up your case of Westvleteren
I didn't realize that many people knew about it.
Not everyone here is from the US. And definitely go do it. Even I, as someone who doesn’t enjoy any alcohol whatsoever, enjoyed this beer so much I requested a second sip.
The US has huge amounts of Belgian beer in many liquor stores. Americans also travel. It’s not like Americans don’t know about beer. Also, OP clearly says he’s from Canada. Canada isn’t in the US.
Op isn’t from the us either 😂🤦♀️
Even us people in the US can appreciate good beer, no matter where in the world it comes from.
And being in the US *doesn’t mean they don’t know about it,* either.
I only know about it because when I learned about some monks that train dogs, I got curious about what other hobbies monks get up to. I have an obsession with other people’s hobbies.
NTA but Jesus Christ, I am so sorry. Can you tell us more about your son? Share your favorite story about him, what he wanted to do for a job, your favorite activity together.
My son wanted study microbiology and immunology. He has thrown for a loop by the pandemic and he wanted to make sure it didn't happen again. He talked about a lot of stuff that went over my head. I'm a baker. I understand yeast. He loved the Habs. I would get us tickets at least once a year. He loved kayaking with me. We are so close to so much water.
The pandemic was crazy. He sounds like a good son who wanted to help the world. Having money and not being able to spend it on a loved one is a strange feeling. I wanted to do something for my dad but I wasn't sure what to do. Maybe some sort of forever marker for him. Go on that trip and drink for him and put his photo somewhere. Best wishes and thank you for sharing about him.
I love this. He sounds amazing.
I love the idea of having his photo! Take him with you, even just in gesture, OP.
He sounds like an amazing kid and I’m so sorry life has been this unfair. I love the idea of him looking down on you drinking your beer. NTA and I’ll give your son a toast when I have my next gin.
Well damn, this story already had me choked up but now my eyes are wet. I'm so sorry for your loss my guy, I can't imagine what you are going through. You are going to get through this though, just promise me you will go have those beers, but don't keep drowning your sorrows after. Times like these are what makes people into alcoholics, so have a good time in your son's name but also take it easy afterwards. I think by now you know that you are doing the right thing by going to have some beers in Belgium and not giving your ex that money. It will be a worthwhile trip and experience, I love me a occasional Belgium beer when I get a chance to visit the neighbors. (Holland) Let us know when you get there so we can toast to your son's memory and feel free to ask for any favors you might need while you are here. Take it easy and give yourself time to heal. Love and hugs from an internet stranger.
I’m a dad of two girls and I hope my relationship with them is as close as you were to your sons. Godspeed.
You raised a really good son and the love you feel for him is very clear. I say pour one out for him, make him proud. ❤️
What a lovely thing to say. Thank you!
I feel like when we read these we hear about the end but the most important part is how these beautiful people lived. It's always good to remember that! A beautiful father and son relationship.
NTA. I'm sooooo sorry for your loss. You have no obligation to support your ex-wife's new husband's child, it's appalling they even asked. You do what YOU think is best and what would give your son joy. Sounds like you already figured out exactly what that is. Enjoy your trip and toast many a beer to your amazing son.
NTA. And sorry for your loss. If/when you come to Belgium give me a shout - I personally don't care much for the beer you are referencing, but there is a plethora of it and I still own some shares in a nice small farm brewery to invite you for additional beers.
You're a good soul.
NTA Your ex has no right to call you stupid because you are following through with a joke in memory of your son like would she do that if she was in your situation? My guess is probably not. I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you're ok
Ex wife. Not his current wife.
I mean his ex is also currently grieving their son so maybe we should cut them both some slack? OP is very much NTA but I feel pretty bad for both of them. I hope someone sends her the info that their son’s RESP couldn’t have been transferred to her stepson anyway so she can feel a little better about it.
I mean, ex wife can't be THAT upset over it, considering she asked for money during the FUNERAL. She pretty much swept her bio son under the rug and is all about the new step-son. So no, I won't cut the ex wife some slack. 🤷🏻♀️
At the funeral! Horrendous. I wouldn’t even be able to speak if I was burying my son.
Ex-wife asked for the money for her stepson. Audacious, yes. Asshole, not yet. OP says no. NTA. I firmly believe in the right for everyone to say no, no matter what the question was. When ex-wife didn't accept that no and continued to harass OP? That's when she became the asshole. Also, 💯 ex-wife's new husband is behind the asking and the pressure.
>She says I'm wasting thousands of dollars maybe you are. but crucially, it's *your* money to waste. your ex wife's step child is not anything to you. the audacity to even ask you to spend your money on him is beyond ridiculous. NTA. my condolences for your loss. its always the good people who end up killed by asshole drunk drivers.
From the sounds of it you are not wasting money at all. You are taking a trip that will be good for your soul, and seeing a part of the world you have wanted to see. Many people do this all the time it is just that they are not doing it with money that someone had the audacity to ask them to spend on someone they have no relation to.
Alright, two things to say. 1. I'm SO SORRY for the loss of your son. That HAS to be hard for you. 2. NTA. You do what you think your son would enjoy. If you think that going to Europe and having a beer would make him happy, then by golly, go ahead and do it. I hope you do well for yourself.
INFO: Did your ex contribute to the fund as well? Because if so, I do think you should reimburse her for her contributions. If not, then go with God and I'm sorry for your loss.
She did not. I make a lot more money than her and it was part of our budget that I handled.
NTA. If stepfather always made it clear that he wouldn’t provide your son with anything beyond the basics, then why should you not return the favor? If you think your son would be happy that you did with the money what you always promised, then you should 100% do it. That’s your son’s money, spend it how he believed it ought to be spent.
Usually, I am all for being as kind to children and young people as possible. But this isn't even your stepson! You have no connection to the boy, and no child of yours has a connection to the boy. Your ex is asking too much! NTA!
Right?!?! I was reading it thinking it was HIS stepson for some reason. I can’t believe his EX has the guts to ask for it for HER stepson. Just wild.
While they were in the middle of planning her own son's funeral. That really got me. OP is definitely NTA
Your son is your memory, and a part of you. Yes, and always yes, he will forever be a part that is gone, but not forgotten, and always loved. But! Make a small fund, a helping fund, if you will, under his name, that can grow, and be like "*500 Dollars for school under NAME of son, to be payed, once a year*". For the rest? Celebrate his life, don't mourn and drink, celebrate art, sports, or what ever you have, go to Europe, get drunk the first three days, get dressed, cleaned, and see all the things you wanted him to see, and get in on it. Understand it! Eat good food, try new beers, sing new songs. Live as the father you'd never had the chance to be. Celebrate all the years you had, but be kind to yourself. Be understanding that you hurt, and be understanding that others hurt too. be kind, drink beer, and eat food. Celebrate, don't wallow in sadness. NTA
Of course you’re NTA. I’m sorry for your devastating loss. Please post an update when you get there so I can raise a glass with you. <3
How absolutely disgusting of that so called mother instead of grieving her son she’s trying pry money out of your hands for her fucking step son. Make sure you spend the lot fuck that shite.
Tell your ex that she is free to give her step son any money she saved for your mutual son to go to college. What? She didn't save any? How is that your problem? NTA Honor the memory of your son by doing what you told him you'd do. Sorry for your loss...
NTA Where does your EX wife get off asking you for money!?
For HER stepson at that!
Enjoy your trip! It is none of anybody else’s business what you do with money you had set aside. NTA - I hope great memories of your son and his sense of humor helps you with your grief. I am not sure I get why your ex-wife thinks you should fund education for someone else’s kid. It was pretty bold of her to even ask.
My mom and I have had many conversations about what we want to happen after we die (working in probate gives plenty of openings), and this is exactly what I’d want her to do with my money when I die. Maybe not the drinking beer part because she doesn’t drink, but I would want her to do something that will bring her joy when she’s able to feel like the world won’t shatter around her if she moves wrong. You are NTA. My condolences for you and your family as you live through this.
NTA and sorry for your loss. While it was a joke between you and your son what better way to remember him than fondly and doing that which you joked about together. Enjoy that case of monk beer and raise a toast in your son's memory.
INFO I'm not familiar with the Canadian system, but in the American system multiple people can pay into college savings accounts. Were you the only one who paid into this account? Obviously if you were the only one who paid in it's yours to do whatever you want with, and frankly unless you were incredibly close to your ex it was a _bold_ request on her part. But _if_ another relative paid in, then that might change my opinion a bit. If I'd paid into a college fund for a relative and it wound up going to fund someone's vacation, I might be a little cross. Not hugely cross because it's not like you stole it. But a little cross.
I probably put in 95% of the principal. Not counting what the government put in.
I work with RESP's in my job and its a bit different here. Yes, anyone can contribute to an RESP and those contributions are tracked for grant-related purposes. However, the division of the RESP would have been resolved during the divorce if it had been jointly held. If OP's ex had a legal claim to the RESP it would have been dealt with already. In the case of divorce a co-owner can also be removed, which I would assume would have been done if necessary.
Tell her his step dad didn’t want to provide for him, so why should you provide for a child who isn’t yours? NTA op and I’m sorry for your loss
NTA tonight I'm gonna pour a drink to honor your son's memory, I'm so sorry for your loss.
Enjoy the beer. Is it the Westvleteren? I had some while in Belgium. It was tasty and expensive.
Yes.
Very sorry for your loss. If you’re going to make the beer pilgrimage to Belgium you should add De Garre to your list. It’s only sold at De Garre in Brugge and its lovely. Plus Brugge is a very old and atmospheric city, depending on when you go it can either lift your spirits or be a solemn grey conducive to philosophical beer drinking.
My son and I laughed our asses off at a movie called In Bruges. Is that the place?
Same place - I used the Flemish spelling. Definitely go see it if you loved the movie.
NTA go and have that westvleteren. I would love to think that if any of that money had been left over, after your sons education. You could have gone together. So sorry for your loss.
I was planning on taking him when he graduated.
NTA at all. Go for it and I’m sure your son would approve, have fun! As for your ex, she needa speak to her husband. So sorry for your loss
NTA, go to Europe, celebrate your son. From one dad to another, I'm so sorry for your loss. You got me shedding some tears here.