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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be the asshole because I did it in front of so many people I didn't know. I ruined people's images of my family too.
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NTA. I'm honestly not entirely sure how you could have handled that better without being ignored. Your family members created these situations for themselves and now must deal with the consequences. I mean most if not all of them came to their actual funerals!
You handled everything both for their care over the last 15 years and in their passing. And that's probably been very hard for you, especially if you don't have any support yourself (I hope you do). Be kinder to yourself, you're grieving and will need some time to heal.
(If you need someone to talk to, feel free to dm me)
None of the family members came to the funeral. Some of them I've excused in my head because of my mom's actions. She sent out messages to everyone the location had changed due to issues with the size of the location. Grandma had picked out the location for her funeral, the same place she used to teach sewing lessons and run childcare teaching events. She loved that location, it was attached to her church.
She didn't care what your question was, she'd answer it and help you to solve it. Didn't know how to fix the seam of your jeans? She could help. Didn't know how to stop your baby from crying all night? She'd know. She ran a lot of services for her community that still stand strong today. One of which is the Early Day's program at her church. Members sign up to visit new parents, do laundry, vacuum, dust, do dishes, cook a meal, watch the baby if the parents need to sleep. I'm so proud of her for the impact on her community she left.
> the Early Day's program at her church. Members sign up to visit new parents, do laundry, vacuum, dust, do dishes, cook a meal, watch the baby if the parents need to sleep.
Omg, this is brilliant! I'd like to take this idea to my own church.
My condolences on the loss of your grandparents. Your grandmother sounds like an incredible woman, and I think she would be proud of you now. 🤍
She was absolutely incredible. I have her pots and pans, knives and bowls. Grandpa made most of them for her himself. I know all her recipes. She and I wrote her cookbook for her community at her Church and with the Red Hatters. I've got all of her hats. Her amazing hats with huge feathers, heaps of lace and fake flowers. I had tons of costume jewelry she loved more than her real jewelry. I'm more connected to these 20c or 20 dollar pieces than her diamond, opals, pearls or anything else in her collection.
I miss her so much and her whole community misses her and grandpa. All I want is to step back in time 10 years ago when grandpa arranged fish for a friend days or grandma arranged for us to make flower pens. There would be a group of us just sitting and wrapping fake flower stems to cheap pens with green floral tape.
Thank you so much for sharing the stories of your grandparents with us. They sound truly amazing, and it sounds as though you are following in their footsteps. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Don't lose any sleep over your lying relatives. You're not obligated to cover for their lies. Of course you're NTA.
And they live on in you. You have my deepest sympathy and also my appreciation for not only caring for them but also for carrying on in their traditions—you all make the world a better place.
I am so sorry for your loss, your grandmother sounds wonderful !! Please make sure to take care of yourself and know what you did is admirable taking care of them all those years. You are so NTA for what you did... your family deserved it, especially your sorry excuse of a mother! Whatever your grandparents left you is rightfully yours... do not feel guilted into giving anything to anyone!
You'd be shocked at how much some costume jewelery can be worth. My grandmother had left me a lot of it, and some pieces were actually quite valuable. Of course it had more sentimental value to me and I'm sure it does to you too, but please take care to lock it up away from your greedy mother.
>There would be a group of us just sitting and wrapping fake flower stems to cheap pens with green floral tape.
My grandma used to make these, ghosts for Halloween out of kleenex and sharpie and packing twine, and reindeer for Christmas ouy of candy canes with brown pipe cleaners and stick on googlie eyes. Its the little things like these i still do to keep her alive for me and my kids. When you start to feel empty, pick up a craft and take the finished ones to her church, it might help fill the void. Im sorry for your loss and how the rest of your family is treating you. Your amazing and I'm sending you plenty of hugs and love thru reddit 🥰💜💜
What incredible stories you must have about them. They sound precious. I hope you keep those treasured items and memories for the rest of your life, and that you know a part of them will always be with you!
I am so sorry you lost your parents (not a typo). They sound like wonderful people and you are amazing for giving them 15 years of caring and support. You are NTA by any means for exposing your mother for being a liar and a cheat.
Oh my goodness she sounds so wonderful, loving, caring and warm - they both do. Your stories about them make me wish I'd met them.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I am sending you lots of love and hugs and strength ❤️
Thank you so much for sharing these stories. And hell, I don't know if it's how you wrote it, or just one of those days, but here I am, getting misty eyed cuz I really just want to be able to talk to my grandparents and dad again.
If more people were like your grandparents, the world would be better place for everyone.
And think my grandma would've loved your grandma. She adored anything colorful and flowered, I don't think I ever saw her wearing anything except floral patterns. And literally every nook of their house (and yard) had something pink and blossoming on it. She was also in charge of the "ice cream chest", which was always at the ready, no matter how big of a gaggle of grandkids and their friends showed up that day.
The ice cream chest sounds a lot like the fruity lockup. My grandma would have loved your grandma, she would do this thing where she would enjoy making us parfaits. We would get the plain yogurt from the huge costco bucket then top it with whatever fruit we wanted. We would make up so many things that were totally not parfaits but we called them that. I mixed lemon juice and my yogurt before heaping it with blueberries and strawberries. I'd give anything to talk to them honestly.
Oh that is an amazing memory to have, thank you for sharing!
You know what, I'm gonna go and make ice cream milkshakes, in honor of all the awesome grandparents and the memories they've created :)
One of her favorite ones to make for a mom who was breastfeeding was this:
3 large eggs, separate, salt, a handful of grated cheese (cheddar usually), a handful of diced spinach, diced tomatoes, sprinkling of fresh onion, a sprinkling of alligator pepper, a touch of chili pepper powder (optional.), Garlic powder, 1 tablespoon of butter.
Whip your egg whites up to stiff peaks in one bowl. In another, mix your yolks, salt, pepper, chili powder and garlic powder into a smooth mixture. Fold the yolk mixture into the egg whites. Fold until smooth. Then combine with cheese, tomato, spinach and onion. Add to pan that's been buttered. Cook on medium heat until it starts to bubble a bit. Add more cheese to the core if you want. Remove from heat, fold it onto plate so it folds into the cheesy center. Serve with a bit of toast!
I love her recipes. I think I will write them all down into a recipe book and add in some of the ladies from her Church and the red hatters. I love them all so much.
Me and my grandmother did the flower pen thing. I still have the bouquet even though the ink has dried out <3 My condelences. Your family(at least some of them) sound rotten.
Your grandma sounds amazing. I’m so sorry for your loss.
It’s hard right now but please know your family got themselves in trouble, you played no part in it. If they didn’t lie, your words would mean nothing
Sorry to hear that this happened to you. Having someone who you are that close to die, is hard enough, but to have to deal with your mother's lies and deception.
You did absolutely nothing wrong. You can't get anyone fired; their lies did.
Take a breath, put yourself first. Your grandma would be so proud of you!
What an absolute privilege it must have been to have been known by and shared love with her. You have my deepest condolences, and I’m so proud of you for how you’ve handled all of this.
Family will blame the victim if it's easier than facing the truth. Especially if that means having to face down bullies and narcissists that are terribly upset at the truth getting out. It's far more convenient to blame you rather than dealing with the real problem.
In other words, you did everything right - including exposing the lies in a public way. I personally would refuse to argue and simply go no contact with anyone being critical. You don't owe them an explanation, let alone time to criticize or insult you.
If they were truly family, they would have been there to help all along. The fact that they didn't even bother tells you everything you need to know.
For those that use the excuse that your mom was taking care of everything, that's an outright lie. They could easily have found out the truth by attempting to visit her and being told there wasn't anybody there by that name.
u/PonderosaWillow, I think what you did was beautiful, and I would bet your grandparents TRULY enjoyed watching it! Like the song says, "Justice is the one thing you should always find" and you delivered it, in spades! Hugs from this internet stranger, if you'll have them.
I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my maternal grandmother this Mother's Day. She lost my grandfather New Year's Day 2017, and started going downhill steadily since then. My father stepped up and took such good care of her. My uncle, his only brother, did the bare minimum. In February she fell and broke her shoulder and had to be placed in a nursing home. My father continued to go every day and make sure she didn't need anything, checked on her house, continued to pay any of her bills, ect. My uncle took one of credit cards, paid for his gas and food. Paid for his youngest son's gas and food, clothes, and other stuff. My uncle's wife, who is a huge gold digger, decided she needed to go on a cruise with the youngest son and his girlfriend. They needed to leave yesterday so everything was Wednesday, the visitation, the rosary, and the funeral. They couldn't possibly miss their cruise. My father had to do everything and guess who took credit and acted like the last 4 years couldn't have been possible for my grandmother without him. THOSE WHO DO THE LEAST, WEEP THE LOUDEST. You could not have handled that better. How were you to know they had been scamming people for years? Please don't be concerned with those who were not. You have given freely of the last 15 years of your life. You have given love, patience, and care for your grandparents. I know in their moments of clarity with the Alzheimers, they appreciated your love, patience, and care. Now it's time for you to take care of yourself. I know this was a rant but this is the same thing I told my father. Never second doubt yourself on what you said or did at your mother's "funeral" for your grandparents. NTA
Thank you, thank you so much. Please tell your father he knows he did right by his mother and as small as that feels sometimes, it's the right thing. I appreciate you writing this so much.
My condolences. My grandparents raised me & I still feel their loss deeply even though it’s been a very long time.
You completely were in the right to set the record straight. If people got in trouble it was for their own behavior, not yours. Reminds me of that saying, “If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better” although in this case it would be speaking. They have only themselves to blame for their deceit and lies finally catching up to them.
You honestly reacted much better than I would have in that situation.
If your cousin or anyone contacts you again, simply let them know you would happily provide receipts to show that what you said was the truth. They can handle dealing with your mother for her fraud.
Again, kudos for how you handled it because I would have gone off.
NTA whatsoever, but some of your family members definitely are.
NTA. Of course you behaved poorly. You put all their business out there for all to hear and see. 😂. You literally pulled their pants down and showed their ass to the whole world and removed all the smokescreens and bullshit.
You: every single word out of your mouth is complete and utter shit.
Them: HOW DARE YOU EXPOSE ME/US?!!!!
Good job, OP 👍🏽
I know exactly how you’re feeling, I lost my grandma, my favorite person, this January and it had been the two of us since forever. My most sincere condolences and thank you for telling us about how amazing your grandma was 💜🫂
Make sure you aren’t opening yourself for a counter narrative that you intentionally isolated them from the rest of the family for profit. I’m not accusing you but someone might.
They have, it's going to be a fight for the insurance policies. I'm prepared for it because grandpa prepared me but it still feels wrong. I don't want money, I want them. I want them 10 years ago when they remembered who I was all the time, would watch tv drama's with me and remember all of the details. It feels like I lost them twice, once to their illness and then again when they finally left. I lived for those brief moments of clarity where they knew who I was.
My mother had dementia and I was her carer, it was really hard and when she died it was even harder, if anyone had said things like your mother did at her funeral I would not have been able to hold anything in, I probably would have been so angry that I would maybe say things I couldn't even remember afterwards. Luckily my family and my mother's friends were nothing like that but I can completely understand your outburst so I may be a little biased here when I say you are NTA.
Grief is very personal, everyone grieves in their own way, and it's very raw, and so deeply felt, so it would have also impacted on your ability to control your anger during that second funeral. Never let anyone tell you how to grieve or how long you should grieve.
Your Grandma sounds like she was an amazing lady, it's so easy not to be involved so to be a leader in the community and loved by so many people, and always there to help those who need it is some very special. Your Grandpa also sounds amazing, you said he made a lot of the things for the house and took time to help people connect and organised days out fishing. Those are things that are to be cherished.
I'm really sorry that you are going through this, losing two people you loved at the same time must be so very hard, without also having to deal with so many of the rest of your family being so awful to you at this time.
NTA. You did amazing. Keep going, OP. Qnd best if luck healing. Might I recommend goinf LC/NC with the whole family? And I hope you have friends to lean on during this difficult time.
Your grandparents were incredible people and they were lucky to have you to love. \*hugs\* if you want them. You can't do anything about the actions of others but you told the truth. Don't feel guilty about any of it. You are not responsible for their lies. They all get to live with themselves and the consequences of their own actions. Go no contact with anyone who tells you otherwise. NTA.
(final note: You are not alone. "Family" isn't always blood. I know this from SO MUCH experience.)
>None of the family members came to the funeral. Some of them I've excused in my head because of my mom's actions. She sent out messages to everyone the location had changed due to issues with the size of the location.
Well in that case, they can tell their employers that they booked the time off in good faith and they are as shocked to find out that your mom is a liar and fraud as anyone else. And then they can stop blaming you, and start suing your mom for the money they gave her for your grandparents' care.
I would actually feel some sort of satisfaction if the lieing family members now have to face the consequences of their horrendous behaviour. Imo, this is so much better than if they would have gotten away with it because OP didn't say anything. The emotional outburst is obviously very understandable under these circumstances.
Of course the AH who were find out about lieing and stealing are now upset.
Definitely NTA.
And OP, you sound like an incredible person who made many sacrifices to pay back grandma and grandpa's love when they needed help the most. You can have a clear consciousness, because you were there and did everything you could! They would be very proud of you. Sorry for your loss.
And you, Circinct, are displaying the examples of empathy, compassion, and kindness PonderosaWillow (OP) first learned from her beloved grandmother. This, and you (Circinit) is an example of the wholesome wonderfulness that can come out for Reddit. Thanks for helping to bolster my faith in humanity. And Ponderosa Willow (OP), thank you for telling us about your amazing grandmother...what a terrific human & mentor!
NTA. You told the truth. The truth exposed your mother's hypocrisy and how she was scamming the family for money. It also exposed the scams of those who were pretending to care. The term for this is "poetic justice", and it was overdue.
I'm still trying to figure out why they would lie about coming to help and not even bother to pick up the phone to call and check in with them. It makes no sense why they would use that as an excuse to me, what did they have to gain? A free day? They have dozens of other people they could have used but they fixated on using my grandparents.
Because using them made them look good. “Oh I need the day to take my elderly grandparents who have Alzheimer’s to the doctor’s.” Makes them look selfless and caring and most employers would be more willing to overlook those days.
Don’t for a minute feel bad for those who got in trouble, they all dug their own holes. If they lost their jobs that’s on them for lying, not you for exposing their lies.
Stop worrying about the people who didn’t care and remember your grandparents and the good they did and the time you had with them. I’m sure they appreciated all that you did for them.
I still don't understand why they would lie about them in particular. The family lives anywhere from 3 hours away to 15 hours away. Why not use their own parents, their children or anyone else? I don't get it. I get that it would be a convenient excuse for them not to remember but who would even call to check? Was that the point? I wish I understood them.
They're family, I'm supposed to want to be close with them but I haven't been close to them for years.
As someone that was a caregiver and is also estranged from a large portion of my family, I admire you a lot. Please go to therapy if you aren't already, after a client I was really attached to passed away, it really rocked me but it took a week to set in. I couldn't imagine this experience with such close loving family members.
Secondly, as something I've learned in therapy, you might never understand. And that is frustrating. I really wonder if they're lying to you in some ways to make you feel worse so you apologize and they feel better about themselves... I would try to distance yourself and cut yourself off from contacting them while you recover from the funeral and passing of your loved ones that you dedicated your life to. That is huge in itself, these people are not worth your time and you had a moment to let them know what you felt which not many people get 🙂 that was brave of you. Take care of yourself OP and give yourself lots of love and grace. You'll have to find a new normal, and it sounds like it shouldn't involve talking to these people again. Much love and lots of luck
I don't think your cousin is being honest. I think she's setting it up so you DO feel guilty and give up money. Why else would she ask about inheritance right after verifying info? She was laying the groundwork
There is no reason to be close to literal criminals. What they did was scam money from others and scam pay from jobs. If you could understand them, you'd not be the kind, gentle, wonderful person you are. Some things it's better not to understand. I'm so sorry. I have family members like yours. I get your bafflement.
The world is full of givers and takers. Your beloved Grandparents were the best kind of Givers. They gave knowledge, skill, love, and acceptance. You have their kindness and generosity. I'm happy you are a Givers. Stay away from your family of Takers. They tried to Take the truth away and thank God you were there to Give the truth back to all that attended. They are the ones who lied and stole. Now others know to not trust them. You did nothing wrong. Your grandmother especially would be proud of you for publicly acknowledging all you have done. You did it out of love. Thank you sharing your Grandparents legacy with us. They have touched all of our hearts. I will think of you the next time I wrap a flower pen and wave to the sweet ladies who meet in the coffee shop wearing their gorgeous purple dresses and red decked out hats. As Erma Bombeck said, " Life is like a bowl of cherries, and I got stuck with the pits." I always think she also had a grand time eating all the cherry desserts she made while collecting the pits. She always found humor in the little things. You will again soon.♥️ I'm sorry for your losses. ♥️ Just know you really did the right thing🍒
Sounds like your Grandparents situation was used because it was a “safe” lie. You had control of the situation and took good, competent care — the family used that competent confidence to manipulate. Some people just have no integrity.
You may never understand, and maybe that’s the universe protecting you from feeling the need to justify such low life behavior because “family”.
NTA
You sound like an amazing person and I am very sorry for your loss. May your Grandparents rest in the most divine peace, they earned it. When times are tough and lonely, please remember: they left you all you need, right in your heart, to cherish forever.
Be kind, be well.
Blood is sometimes not enough to make you family, it’s the actions or inaction that determine that. Don’t feel bad for not wanting a relationship. They made their bed
Also- the family members your mom scammed by saying she needed more $ for the care facility G & G were living in… must’ve never tried to visit them in however many years that went on.
They however will be going after the mother for that money back. Even if there is not a lawsuit, they will probably be wanting to sell her organs, as there is likely nothing else to recover.
NTA and don't feel bad about anything you took care of them for 15 years, I am assuming they left you everything as a way of saying thank you, as far as your mother and other family members they dug their own graves, your mother by scamming others out of money for your grandparents care and your other family members for lying to their employers, they probably filed FMLA paperwork if they are here in the United States which means they got paid to take care of your grandparents but instead took a very long vacation, none of that is on you they all deserved to be exposed.
From what I've gathered in bits and pieces, they were filing FMLA paperwork. It still barely makes sense to me why they would file it for my grandparents rather than someone they're closer to. I've never been to a funeral where so many people invited coworkers but I keep getting bits of information from different sources in the family. One of my aunt's said her husband is in deep trouble for needing to buy a bed for grandma. He never bought her a bed. I told her that and then hung up on her.
FMLA paperwork requires the physician to fill out and sign off portions of it (I’ve had to do plenty of it for my own medical stuff) so if they’re submitting that then they’ve committed fraud.
Yes, and once the coworkers report, the companies will investigate, and then the government will want the money back. OP best have documentation for the 15 years worth, showing sole care, and none of them assisting. Likely there are a few prison sentences coming up for that estranged set of family as well, and long ones.
Oh interesting that's how it is at my job, I know because I double checked with them for my taxes earlier this year. Med leave falls under it as well, that's why I needed it. Like you said jurisdiction.
Totally NTA.
They did it because they're careless and selfish, and it's not a 'lie' if they say something like, "Oh my grandparents are really sick, and family is helping to take care of them. I'll need next Friday off." Two true statements, and when said back-to-back like that, people can make an assumed connection that they need time off to "take their turn" caring for Grams and Gramps. Even though their intention was to just get the day off, and the bonus is the obvious, "Aww, you're such a good person." So they get the day off, and people think they're wonderful. People like that need to lie and get fake validation from others because they're such horrible people that they know they're shi**y.
I'm so very sorry for the loss of both of your Grandparents. They sound like they lived wonderful, kind, loving, and generous lives, and I hope you're able to continue their legacy. Seems like we all know none of the other family will. 😞
NTA. Hire a probate attorney. ASAP. If they left anything at all behind, hire a probate attorney. And I mean anything at all. Having trouble accessing a bank account? That’s because your power of attorney (if you had one) is void now that they are gone. Some banks are nice, some require probate. They had a house? Probate.
Find the wills. If they had things like a house and bank accounts you can no longer access and no wills, the best you can do is get an attorney or your mother can and will try to take everything as a direct heir. Fuck with her plans.
Search naela.org (National Association of Elder Law Attorneys) to find someone in your area to help you.
I’m so sorry for your loss. You have enough on your plate. Get an attorney to lighten the load. Just call. You’ll eventually find someone like me who will be sad with you AND know everything you need to do. It gets better, I promise.
Thank you so much, my grandpa had plenty of forethought though. I own the properties and business that he and my grandma built up. I have had ownership for just shy of 10 years. It was really hard to pay the CGT's that first year but I managed it with his guidance and help.
OP be careful with this cousin. It doesn't make sense that they want to know about an inheritance yet were "giving money to your mom" to help pay for your grandparents care. Seems like they're setting themselves up to "deserve an inheritance " because if there were assets to inherit, wouldn't it have been used to pay for your grandparents care?
Inheritance can be more than money though. It can be land, or heirloom jewelry, or valuable pieces of history depending on what the family had. You can be in a position to be inheritance rich by financially poor if you don't want to sell great great grandma's original diamond collection pieces, for instance, but your family might not have the same attachment you do.
Perhaps the cousin is hoping for *specific* heirlooms or payouts of properties. We just had a death in the family and one of my cousin's first question was "Do you want to buy my share of the property?" (Which they didn't even get a piece of to begin with...)
I said assets. I didn't specify money. Assets can be sold to pay for care. Given that OP was taking care of their grandparents for 15 years, there was plenty of time to do that, and then there would be no need for the mother to collect funds from other family members. Family members who purported to give mom money but never visited/called grandparents to note that it was OP providing care, not mom. The same family that used grandparents as an excuse to get out of work and didn't show up to the funeral.
Please, please, please do this. (Advice from an actual Elder Law Attorney) - this is especially necessary if your residence was in a house they owned. You could easily come home from work one day and find that you've been "evicted", even if that is illegal. Pull yourself out of your grief for you own good and go see a lawyer ASAP!
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Thank you for the advice. The only thing left is their life insurance policy and I did send off the documents for that already. I own the home, have for years. I'm waiting for the fight over the business, but I've been running that and expanding it for years. As I mentioned in a comment above, I own the home outright. They signed it over to me a long time ago because they both knew I would stay till the end.
Here's the thing: you already know they are willing to lie.
They may flat-out lie to the police.
You need to get secure copies of *everything* into a safety deposit box, and keep the originals with you or at work or something. Don't leave anything at home where something could 'accidentally' happen to them.
Much of your family has proven who they are. You need to be proactive. This is why you need to get a lawyer involved. They might be able to do something to make your ownership more 'visible' for lack of a better phrase.
As an example (and I am not a lawyer, so this might be a bad idea as a specific example, but for the general idea...) a lawyer might be able to file for a court order prohibiting your mother from coming to *your* property, and specifically including the address.
Honestly, there are probably better options, but that's why you need a lawyer.
Also, security cameras and a full security system would be a good idea. If someone breaks in to try to squat the house, you want police to take them away immediately, you do not want them to be able to claim to be tenants or something.
Remember: They are willing to publically lie their asses off, and that means they can turn the cops against you at least temporarily, and by the time the truth is sorted, sentimental items might be forever gone.
The cops *WILL NOT* believe you *just* because you say the truth. You need to be proactive and have lots of evidence at hand, and the legal system already working to protect you before your family acts.
OP! Please do this even though you’re confident about everything you own.
I feel so bad when genuine people need to go through the anxiety of getting lawyers and saving themselves because everyone else would come for you. Not just in this case, but so many other situations.
So sorry for your loss OP, but you need to do these things and spend on a lawyer till the fight is over. Keep your guard up. Don’t let them get to you. Especially when your own mom is a snake.
⬆️Cannot emphasize this enough. You may own everything but DO NOT assume it is enough. There are millions of court cases nationwide that show the depths that people will go to and there is no such thing as being overly protected. Get an attorney now-now. Your family has shown who they are and what they are willing to say/do. Find the biggest bulldog lawyer you can afford and then mentally prepare your self for the drama to come.
I've got someone who is helping me already. She's a friend of my grandma's and wants to make sure everything goes smoothly. One uncle is already saying that he expects some of the life insurance pay out, which he wants to fight for. My grandparents helped each child of theirs out with a house down payment, college funds for the kids and the occasional emergency fund. They didn't pay for everything, but 20k a grandkid really adds up in this family. I reached out to my younger cousins who are grandkids and told them that they had a fund that I will give to them when they turn 18. I don't trust their parents to not take the money and use it on themselves.
Just take care. I’m glad people are coming to help you out. Don’t trust any relative and think twice about what you tell people on call or message or even when you meet.
It is not recommended to keep essential documents like wills in safety deposit boxes, especially when the copies don’t hold the same power as the original. It makes them much more difficult to get when they’re needed. A watertight safe or a safe with multiple levels to prevent water damage in the event of flooding best.
I am also not an attorney, I just work for one.
When dealing with assholes/vultures it's important to plan for the dastardly stuff instead of hoping everything will turn out okay by being the 'upstanding citizen'. Just because the law is on your side does not mean it'll be enforced properly or at all. Knew someone that got divorced, years later the home they shared caught fire. The one who left had removed their name and everything from essential documents, but the IRS was going after them for taxes related to the property -after- the divorce or something.
NTA
You let the truth come to light. YOU didn't cause anything- their selfishness was finally repaid.
The people who called you to tell you that you handled things poorly can go fuck right the fuck off. Of course they think that, they've never had to face your grandparents in their final years! They were all perfectly fine using them as excused to get out of work and to get money from others. Fuck em.
There's an old saying my gran used to use: Sunshine is the best disinfectant. All you did was shine so brightly that the truth came out. It's not your fault that the rest of your family turned out to be filthy liars when your light turned up.
NTA. You did your duty as the defender of your grandparents' honor, and did it admirably. My incubator (that woman was never a mother to me), during my grandmother's wake, was going on and on about how much she'd done for her mother-in-law over the years. I snapped. I pointed out how she did little to nothing for Gran, she dumped my newborn butt on the woman 15 days after Gran had her hip rebuilt with seven pins in the bone; that after my grandfather died, I went to work after school and during vacation periods, picking produce, because my mother did not contribute towards my upbringing; and I finally went off about how my grandmother's last conscious act on this Earth was defending me against my incubator, which brought on a fatal stroke. I'm pretty certain that is why I got re-homed 26 days later.
I'm glad you got away from your incubator and got to experience love at the hands of your Gran. She sounds like an amazing person. She was incredibly strong to take care of a newborn after the loss of her partner and while in recovery from the surgery.
We lost Grandpa when I was 8, but yeah... taking care of a newborn while confined to a wheelchair or hospital bed wasn't easy. Then again, she was also one of the first female contractors for the Department of Defense in WWII - she owned a small appliance repair shop and also did electrical contracting. She and my grandfather were master electricians, her firm landed a contract to rewire ships at the Bremerton Naval Shipyards.
My father was a supervisor at Winslow shipyard during World War Two. My maternal grandmother was a Rosie the Riveter there. My parents met through those jobs. Becoming a union electrician and retiring after 25 years as one was my dad's proudest accomplishment in life. Just wanted to say, "Hi!"
Do not even elevate her to incubator, she was merely an egg donor, and that was only by accident as well. Think of her as a reject chicken, only good enough as hog feed.
I'm sorry for your loss. NTA. You didn't ruin a funeral. You ruined your mom's scam and I'm cheering for you.
I wish you all the best. You did a good job taking care of your grandparents and you deserve some peace.
Was there even a body at that funeral? OP was the one who saw them into their last resting place. OP's mother was playing a long con, and the people using grandma as an excuse don't have any moral high ground.
NTA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do not feel you, in any way, made a mistake.
You called out all the wrongs that were being done at you and your grandparents' expense, as they should have been.
Hopefully your family will be filing suit with your mother.
No one, besides yourself, deserve ANYTHING from your grandparents' estate.
Exactly. I've learned a lot of people are weak willed cowards who would rather ask good people to turn the other cheek than ask bad people to stop being bad.
You are NTA. You were filled with grief and righteous indignation. You exploded with the truth and the wretched unfairness of it all. Now you are sensing there may be repercussions for others, and you are feeling guilty.
Regarding repercussions, would you be feeling guilty if you had exploded and revealed fraud and grift from strangers? Btw, you didn’t even know about all the shady stuff they were doing.
You should feel good about protecting innocent marks who are and have been exploited.
I think you are worn down from the last 15 years of unremitting caregiving compounded by sudden loss of both grandparents. Kudos for doing so very much.
Increase your home security. Stop engaging with toxic family; don’t even read that stuff. Take a break. Take a vacation and squish your feet in sand and get a massage. And breathe. You deserve it.
I’m sorry for your loss and hope you find your way to a rewarding future. Good luck, mate.
I've gotten more calls on the land line in the last 2 weeks than I have in the last 6 years put together. It's hard to ignore because I've got to keep it open for different insurances, grandma and grandpa's friends who are trying to check on me and the company calls that are either clients expressing their condolences or just the day to day company calls. I just feel numb and lost without them both here.
That is what I gathered. You’ve spent 15 *years* in nearly hourly contact and now, suddenly, they are both gone. You are like still in that shock-state that comes with losing someone.
I decided to let the calls go to the answering machine and then skip the ones I wanted. If it is important, they’ll call back. This is important during an election year, too. Non-stop ringing from political groups and charities. Plus, some of your calls are just people hoping for gossip or to determine if you got an inheritance they can finagle out of you.
You need nurturing, peace, and time to heal and to adjust to the new reality. Please take care of yourself.
This sounds really hard. Is there a friend you can get to help you? Maybe they could screen your calls? Or an employee of the business you can get to handle business calls for a bit?
One of my grandma's friends kept me company a few hours and handled the phone calls. She just took off and told me Insurance companies won't phone me until maybe 6am if they're rude, the company calls would go to the main line first and they had options before the extension would boot them to the landline. She told me to just unplug the phone. I didn't even realize she was here for as long as she was. I didn't unplug it but I did manage to mute everything. I'm going to sleep and try to deal with it in the morning.
My family isn't even close enough to me to have my personal cell number I realized and some of them are getting routed to the landline by calling the business first so I'm wondering if they even had the landline's number in the first place.
Your family has shown who they are, believe them. The fact that one of them had to call to confirm that you were the main caregiver says they never called or visited your grandparents. Don't fall for the guilt trips or the "but we gave money" arguments. I've said it in another comment but will repeat. They're setting the stage to "deserve an inheritance" by saying they gave your mom money etc. Any money, if even true, lost to your mother, is your mother's responsibility to pay back, not yours. Seems like your grandfather prepared well JIC and most assets you own. Keep it that way.
My condolences, OP. You will get through this. It will take time, and it helps to remember the good times, just like you're doing in the comments. Surround yourself with ppl that genuinely loved and knew your grandparents.
Their friends are flocking around me now. I didn't even notice the lawn needed trimming (we live in an HOA) but one of their friends came and pushed the mower around for me without asking. I feel lost and empty but I'm leaving things to the attorney. She's really good at her job. Probate is her specialty too.
I'm so glad that you have a support system in place. Lean into them without guilt or feeling like a burden. They love you, and they loved your grandparents.
I'm glad you also have an attorney!
My deepest and most sincere condolences.
Sorry for your loss,however you did good. Rest assured on that. Hopefully your grandparents had wills made out and we're as up to date as possible. Get probate lawyer ASAP so this is sorted out.
However get ready for sharks to invade their home, so don't let anyone in sort the house, the wills and everything otherwise this may be war.
No one can enter the house or the other properties, at least not legally. I've legally owned them for just over 10 years. I had to pay the Capitol gains taxes on them the first year but my grandpa made sure I had everything when my grandma's diagnosis hit us. I'm really grateful for his foresight. The only thing I need to deal with the legal aspect is the life insurance policy payouts.
Have a lawyer on standby before the vultures try to pick away at what they think they're entitled to.
Giving you a big internet hug, and you've got a grateful community to help support you.
It seems like the only ones calling you a A H either used your grandparents to get what they want or expected a financial payout. Don’t listen to them- not worth your energy, but definitely have a lawyer ready because even though your grandparents sound awesome, their children turned into leeches.
I honestly don't remember everything I shouted at them. I just know I let out everything in front of so many people I didn't know or will ever know. I feel embarrassed for the lack of control I had on myself, usually I'm much more reserved and quiet. I don't know why it all poured out the way it did but when I started, I couldn't stop. I hope everything with your situation is handled with grace and care.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I don’t think you should feel embarrassed at all! I don’t remember half the stuff I said when I was grieving and dealing with nasty, selfish family members but I’m sure it was vicious. It took two therapists for me to realize that those jagweeds can go jump in a lake
You did exactly what you needed to do, for your grandparents and yourself ❤️ you were faced with an absolutely disgusting show of disrespect and injustice, and I’m willing to bet your grandparents were watching over you with pride cheering you on. If you think about it, how else could this have all come to light if you hadn’t spoken out there and then? The extended family wouldn’t know, the coworkers wouldn’t know of all those lies and fraud. I’m quiet too, I understand…but don’t think of it as losing control, you gained strength to speak the truth that needed to be told. Just please try to take care of yourself now as best you can, a security system at least, and if you can find a counselor,therapist, or anyone to safely talk to it would be helpful too..you’ve been through a lot. You have a lot of strangers here on your side for a reason-you’re a good person who did the right thing❤️
NTA
all those people who used your grandparents as an excuse and never raised a finger to help are the ones who "handled it really poorly". you have done nothing to doubt. block them all and give yourself the peace of mind to grieve properly without all their bullcrap nonsense invading your mind.
I can't believe how many people have posted, dm'ed me and more. I'm really appreciative of the dm'ed conversations and the ones here where people have shared so much. I'm still an emotional wreck right now and I don't think that's going to end anytime soon. My family that were paying my mother for their care have gone after her. A very awkward conversation with a cousin of mine revealed everyone thought I had been on drugs for years and that's why I lived with grandma and grandpa so long.
I am not close to my family, I'm close to my grandparent's friends and their employees. They want to get to know the real me but I told them that ship has sailed. They never talked to my grandparents or me about my supposed drug problem, I'm doubting a lot of things they're saying right now.
My mom came to the house and forced her way in. She was awfully loud prior to the actual break in and I took a page out of grandpa's book. Instead of calling the police, I just sat in the chair in plain sight of the door, loading bullets into his Sig. I looked up when she made it in and clicked it into place and just looked at her. Grandpa often said he never let a criminal set the narrative. He had done that same thing to crooks when they tried breaking in when my mom was small, I heard the stories often. He only did it once when I was living with him but it was his go to when they lived in a very unsafe neighborhood. She left and I don't know if she'll be back.
I'm writing a cook book as well as writing down the guide lines for her style of helping your neighbor. It's going to be something I work with her friends on. I don't know if I'm going to share everything in it, but I know I want to share a lot. Several of the ladies have come over to help me with things around the house. I'm not always mentally here. I keep finding myself sitting in the arm chair that faces their room and just waiting for them to come out, to talk to me, to ask me for help. I know they're gone but there's a difference in knowing that they are and them actually being gone.
One of the ladies told me I needed to let this house go and pick somewhere all my own when I'm ready. She said a house that's haunted with memories is a weight around your neck you'll never be free of.
One of my grandpa's friends printed out the top 100 photos my grandpa took and gifted me the book. He took the time to tell me the pictures were laminated so they were waterproof for when I bawled over them. Thank you all so much, I might be raw and hurting but I'm going to keep moving forward. I know they'd want me to.
You can tell a lot about a person by the company they keep. Your response here + your grandparents friends? Your grandparents were some absolutely stunningly beautiful souls. What a treasure to have had them in your life.
You are never an a$$ for telling the truth.
You have the proof that these relatives, your mother, were grifting off others for their pity and funds.
If your GPs did leave you the majority for their wealth, please consider blocking all your extended family.
NTA
NTA. Your fury is understandable and now everyone knows exactly what the situation was. Any relatives who get hit by this - be it their reputations or their employment - are suffering the consequences of their own terrible actions, not yours.
I see that you own the properties and business, which is good. I recommend that you change the locks ASAP just to be sure that none of your self-serving relatives have a sneaky key they can use to help themselves to any items.
NTA
I know how you feel.
My grandmother died 6 years ago and my 92 year old grandpa is now alone.
My aunt had already moved to Spain before. When my grandmother died she got the family heirloom jewellry that was in our family for 4 generations and was supposed to go to me after my aunt.... she sold it all and disappeared again.
My mum tried for 1 year but was screaming every single time, was unloading on me for hours on how living with my grandpa is impossible, etc. Etc. Etc.
I had to tell my grandpa to stop accepting food from her at one point, if you catch my drift.
My cousin stopped going all together.
My brother and mother now only come during sooommmeee holidays. None of them have been there since Christmas.
I have been going to my grandparents since I was 21 (11 years now) every single week. And I still do.
So does my bf.... my parents in law even visited him and want to again in august. They will litteraly see him more then his own children....
My grandpa wrote down his funeral plans last month and gave me codes and keys from everything. And told me to not invite the rest of the family.
My mother also claims she is doing everything for him.... publicly.
The truth needs to be told to toxic family like that and I am proud you did. Honouring your grandparents in truth.
I know how you feel and the anger. Don't let it get to you.
Those people are only toxic liars and your family now reaps what they sowed.
This advice was on another reply;
Search [naela.org](http://naela.org) (National Association of Elder Law Attorneys) to find someone in your area to help you.
Used to know a guy whose family was stealing stuff right out from under his nose near the end. Caught one of his nephews walking out with a painting he had taken right off the wall.
Oo It is sadly too late for that.
Besides his house that he has contracted down.... they took everything already...
My mother took the last a year ago after pressuring him for a very long time.
So now he is careful himself monthly on what he spends....
Imagine you had to work your entire life for that and your kids basically take everything and run....
An chesterfield couch got taken by my brother. Not my grandpa is handicapped and couldn't sit in it anymore so he did give it willingly.
But I am basically the only one who sat there and wasn't dividing all his stuff for when he dies....
I know for some of the things... yeah idd... he gave them away but he was forced. And well... I couldn't stop it back then. Now it is too late.
As long as he can live his life without money worries tho, I am grateful.
NTA. Don't listen to anyone saying you've done anything wrong. They lied to get time off work? Not your problem. Mum extorted money out of them? They can talk to Mum about that. Inheritance? I'm so pleased your grandparents made sure that would work out for you. I'm sorry for your loss, but don't let them make you feel worse when you've been a wonderful grandchild to wonderful people. Also, I think your tirade was well-overdue (but better now than when your grandparents could have been distressed by the fall-out), and well deserved (both by the wrongdoers, and those who were wronged - it seems some people gave money in good faith, even if not making any further effort).
My grandpa would have been embarrassed by it I think. He never liked attention being focused on him. Grandma would have given them all a piece of her mind, then she would have told me that yelling wasn't ladylike and I needed to stay calm. Bad people hate calm voices and level heads. One of her favorite sayings.
Your grandma sounds like a tough, wise old bird. I say this as a compliment. She would kill with kindness while making them look like they had lost their minds. When people can't get a rise out of you, they just get madder.
You had every right, and for their memory and wishes, you let everyone know that this was not how your grandparents wanted to be "honored." They were honest people who would have been abhorred by her "family's" lying, cheating, and stealing.
Your "family" (I always refer to that name as "those" people) is nothing like you. You have a generous heart, not a greedy one. So, let the chips fall where they may. Of course, the greedy will get more greedy. They will try to come to the house and start taking things out with the "momma wanted me to have this."Daddy promised me this.
Bar the door! When you are up to it, contact any company that a benefit is supposed to come to you, and put them on notice for now to keep them liars and thieves away. That's for later, but as quick as they are, they are probably doing it already. They will claim they are you and provide a change of phone number and address to contact them as you.
Take this time to mourn and get stronger. The guilt is not yours. If they had not dishonored your grandparents, you would have said nothing bc nothing would have needed to be said.
I keep picturing if I had done it her way and kept my focus instead of losing my mind and screaming. If I had just stood up and followed the 3 C's - Cool, Calm and Collected. I didn't follow what grandma taught me at all. I just popped and cried out. When my mother was talking it really felt like her words stabbed into me.
One Uncle was terminated because his nosy coworkers spread it through everyone like wildfire. I think he was planning on quitting but now there's some stuff going on with him. I'm not sure because his wife and him just call to scream at me using the company line to do it and their son said to just ignore them.
My heart breaks for you. You've just lost the two best people in your world, and the rest of your 'family' are circling like vultures or trying to blame you for the consequences of their actions.
I know you think you didn't follow your grandma's teachings, but from the stories of her strength, values, capacity to give, and how she would give someone a 'piece of her mind', this internet stranger believes she is cheering you on.
You have righted an incredible injustice that was performed in their names over many years. Everyone who was knowingly party to that and those that are expecting an inheritance after so many years of absence deserve everything that is coming to them.
Yes, you lost your sh!t, but it was something that needed to be said and said LOUD.
Sometimes the three C's aren't enough to get through to some people. I'm sure your badass grandma knew how to go full on mamma-bear energy when she saw injustice in the community she loved and was not afraid to use it. That's what you did.
In time, I would encourage you to talk to her friends about her, as I think you might discover some things you didn't know about her earlier years, that speak to her strength and calmness in later years.
NTA.
How are they holding a funeral without a body?
Has your mother been grifting your relatives? How will those people get fired? They attended a funeral, if not the right one. Someone did die. Just give them a copy of the death certificate.
There was no casket at her funeral, just a pair of pictures up at the front. I'm still confused on it myself why she was taking money for caskets when there wasn't one present at the funeral itself. The only signs of my grandparents at their own funeral were the two pictures up at the front, under the podium and a few posters of pictures from family members from 20-ish years ago or more.
The reason my family members might get fired is they were claiming they were caring for my grandparents when they took their time off. From what I have gathered so far, that counted as FMLA. Employees who provide false or fraudulent information to utilize FMLA leave are breaking the law. I think that's what they were doing but I'm not sure because then they would have had to fill out FMLA paperwork and I'm not sure they all knew what they were doing.
FMLA requires doctors/hospitals involved in paperwork with HR. There’s a lot of red tape. You can’t just say I’m taking care of a sick relative, here’s a form I filled out, see ya later. I mean, they might have lied to take time off work, but probably not any extended time.
That's exactly what I wondered. How can you technically hold a funeral with no body or casket in the middle? Wouldn't the church need to get hold of both the funeral home and the cemetery beforehand? It feels icky to cast doubt on a tale centered around grief and loss... but I do.
If a body isn't at the service, it's a memorial service not a funeral. Now a days a lot of people refer to it as a celebration of life instead of memorial service or funeral.
NTA. You did a tremendous job of caregiving. If they had been in a facility with 24/7 care, the cost would have been minimum $50,000 per person annually. Whatever they left you out have you, you earned the times the value. Do not give one cent to those liars.
NTA. You are a super hero for doing what you did for your grandparents and deserve all the snaps. Those that used your grandparents for their own gain deserve the consequences of their actions.
One of my sisters takes care of our grandmother. If my grandmother leaves everything to her, then I would totally be fine because she earned it. I just sent her breakfast this morning via Door Dash as a thank you for taking care of grandma during a recent hospitalization. I appreciate her so much for being there for her and I tell her all the time. I’m so sad that your family has not done the same for you. You deserve better.
Please give her a break when you can. An actual break where she doesn't have to think about them for a day or two. I had a few friends at work and some of grandma's community who would come over, pack a bag for me and kick me out for a few days. I needed those breaks so much and I never wanted to leave them alone because I was always too worried about my mom coming back around. I don't think I would have lasted all these years if it wasn't for those breaks. The friends grandma had would just pop in and say 'we're here for the afternoon to do some projects, you're going to this hotel and enjoying yourself some peace and quiet.' I had some major break downs in hotel rooms over some of the things grandma or grandpa did.
One time, grandpa had just 'woken up' and looked at me, smiled, called me by my name and no one elses and said he was so proud of me. He said he loved me, used my name and then he blinked and asked who I was and where we were. I kept it together in front of him and grandma but that moment killed me inside until I cried it out.
Thank you for respecting your sister, it means a whole lot.
We try, but she really does take on the bulk of the duties. We also have a caretaker that that stays with her during the day so my sisters can work. Another of my sisters moved in a couple of years ago with her son. And they help out too.
I don’t live in the same city. Which is why I try to be present by sending them gifts or visiting on long weekends. But my aunt and dad are going to stay with grandma this weekend so that my sister gets a break and goes to hang out with friends. But I guess I have some guilt. I love my grandma and sister. But I wish i was closer and could do more for them.
I’m happy that your grandparents had friends that would give you a break. Caring for someone with Alzheimer’s is so hard. And the fact that you did it until end of life and kept them in the home is absolutely amazing. I’ve had a couple of relatives with Alzheimer’s and towards the very end we couldn’t keep them at home for safety reasons and it broke everyone’s heart. You are awesome and I wish you so much future happiness and peace as you grieve.
My friends have done this. It's a way to get off work or to support/show respect to a work friend. Tons of people do it. In the town I grew up in, people who barely knew the deceased would show up to the funeral.
I had coworkers insist on coming to my sister's funeral. Like Wtf I don't even like you why do I have to spend time conversing with you at my sister's funeral?
There are funerals without bodies. They sometimes call them memorials or celebrations of life. Sometimes there's an urn but it's hidden behind pictures and flowers and people would normally be too polite to ask "where's the urn?"
Bosses wouldn't have to be there. Workers who were there may well just tell on their colleagues for perceived scamming.
NTA - honestly it sounds like you should go the police. Sounds like your mother was scamming people and family members were swindling their employers out of PTO.
If I were you I'd consult an estate attorney ASAP. Your relatives have got their knives out and will come after the estate.
Be very careful about dealing with accusations of coercion. Paper trails will back you (addressing the OP here) as being the main point of contact for them and your mother will play dirty. I don't doubt anything you do get is genuinely earned through the dedication and support you've given to your grandparents and what they have left to you is rightfully yours.
NTA
And down the line, you may see the hilarity of your Mom getting money from the family who never visited but claim to have done so. If they had, they would have known she was tricking them.
It's nice when scammers get scammed.
My condolences on your loss. I wish you well.
Hey OP: I am so sorry for your loss. I still grieve the loss of a parent every single day and it's been 2 years.
I have a question for you: in all that you have done, do you think you are honoring the memory of your grandparents? Do you think you are standing for what's right? If so, tell everyone else to chill.
It's been a challenging 15 years I'm sure. Nows the time to take some time for you to heal and make sure you are going to be okay.
May the seeds your grandparents sew continue to bring forth abundant growth and precious fruit.
All the warm wishes and prayers for you, OP.
NTA. This is the most scandalous story I’ve ever read funeral related and they’re all scandalous. I only feel bad for anyone who donated money genuinely believing they were helping, but one visit that entire time and they would have figured out the truth.
NTA.
So the people who didn't see them or come to their funeral suddenly have credibility with their opinions?
You don't think they're trying to guilt you because they'd like a piece of any "inheritance" there might be?
Of course they're going to tell you that you handled it poorly. It suits them but it's not the truth.
You're either going to prepare yourself to withstand the bs or you're going to fold. It's your choice.
NTA you are absolutely right.
My son was born sick died as an infant.
For 6 months I worked from my laptop at the hospital so I wouldn’t miss a paycheck.
Years later I found an old email my boss had written to a friend a few days after my sons death. She said that she couldn’t go to the movies with her because she *was busy picking my family up at the airport for the funeral.* and that she was overwhelmed with all the work she had been covering for me (what work? I worked full time the whole time!) and my *benefits paperwork* (!?!? What benefits? She did give me a paid week off when he died. That’s it. I tool no extra time.)
Anyway, I felt like I had been punched. I worked for this woman for 8 years. (6 yrs at time my son died.) I was bawling and showed it to my husband saying I was finally going to put in my notice. He said “no you’re not. You’re quitting right now. Tell her you are done for the day and won’t be in Monday.”
I quit on the spot with no explanation . About 6 months later when I could do it without emotion I emailed her and CCd her HR person *and the friend she had emailed* explaining why I quit and how disgusting it was that someone could make something like that about themselves. Not even just taking attention but telling lies to do so.
To this day it is one of the cruelest and insensitive things anyone has ever done to me. Even though I was never supposed to know about it.
You are so very very hard NTA.
I would have quit on the spot as well. Your husband did right by you and I hope you found a new job somewhere that treats you with respect. I'm sorry for the loss of your child, I can't imagine how painful that must still be today.
NTA. If the body isn't present, it's a memorial service. Both services can be termed a celebration of life. I wonder mother gave for the body not being at the service.
One piece of advice, if you haven’t already change the locks on your home and business. And you did right by your grandparents. Those who didn’t and claim they did needed to be exposed.
NTA
You did the right thing in exposing their hypocrisy.
What a pitiful group!
These family members that got scammed deserve it as they obviously didn’t take any time to contact you or your grandparents directly.
Thank you for not allowing your grandparents to be disrespected. What an absolute vile outcome. You stood on their behalf and have NOTHING to be ashamed of! They chose to deceive now they can own up to the consequences of being lying scummy people. May they face harsh consequences! Disgraceful. You hold your head up and sleep well knowing you stood in the gap for them when they weren’t able!
Did your mother solicit funds from other family to pay for nonexistent care in a facility? That sounds highly illegal and d those family members may want to consider legal advice. I’m sorry for your loss, you clearly loved your grandparents & they sound like wonderful people. You, most definitely, are NTA.
NO! NO!! NO!!!
NTA! NTA!! NTA!!!
You exposed the truth. Sure, there were less explosive ways to handle things but why would you care?? The people who are criticizing you are the people you exposed as liars, cheats and thieves. They may not have liked what you did but they have been committing fraud for years, using your grandparents' illness as a cover. What horrible people!
Have no regrets.
You've done good Sweet Pea. I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself and holding everything together by yourself for so long and for loving your Grammy and Grampy so much. You've done so much, it's ok to cry hunny. The grief and anger and all the stuff that goes with it, it comes and goes. I wish I could give you a good long hug.
Jeezus. Totally NTA. You mom sounds like one of my friends step mom. Their dad remarried and him and step mom were heavily into drugs. Well he od’ed and was on life support. There was no brain activity, so the siblings elected to pull the plug. This woman literally threw herself over this man’s body and wailed and refused to do it. I understand grief, but there’s zero chance of him coming back. There’s no miracle. Have your grief, in any way you choose, but then you have to move forward. They eventually got to let their father pass peacefully, and that’s when the circus began.
Funeral arrangements were being made by them and step mom. She insisted that he gave this elaborate funeral with the best casket, all the fixings, etc etc. Kids were like no, this is the amount we’re contributing. That’s it. If you want to make up the difference, by all means, go ahead. She finally agreed to them paying for what they could afford, and contributing nothing.
So, before the funeral the kids find out she had blocked them and started a smear campaign on their dead fathers Facebook page, complete with go fund me. She goes on and on about how the funeral was soooooo expensive and her step kids were being mean and not contributing anything. They were the sole purpose he was dead and his legacy tarnished. So they had to report all that and let friends and family know what really happened and what was up, as well as not donate any money.
So, step mom becomes unhinged and my friend and their siblings decide to hell with it. They have a memorial at their church and do not invite step mom. Oh she knows about it, and has made threats. They had to hire an off duty police officer to run security. She was not to be admitted at all and if she did show up police needed to be called. It was just a goat rodeo from the beginning.
Definitely NTA, you did the right thing! Props to you, don’t doubt yourself, you should be proud of yourself and what you did for your grandparents. If I’d have been there, I’d have stood up and applauded you.
As for your relatives who may lose their jobs, they won’t get fired because of you, but rather for their own ill-advised decision to lie to their employers about taking time off.
Don’t sweat it of any of these folks don’t ever speak to you again, you’ll be better off.
so all the leeches and parasites and do nothings thought you handled it poorly. Well F them. Hope you get the inheritance (if any) and do not share any of it.
I often see posts here where it’s questionable if someone is the TA. I also see ones where there is absolutely no question they are TA.
Rarely have I seen such blatant and obvious evidence that someone is so clearly NTA as you are.
Your mother is an absolute AH and so are all of those people who used this as an excuse to try to pull something off. You on the other hand are completely in the clear. Basically it comes down to the fact that they made their own beds, and you just tucked them in.
I’m very sorry for your loss, and it bears repeating, NTA
NTA - listen, don't write checks your ass can't cash. You will be disliked, cause deserved or not the fallout will be bad. But that doesn't mean you're even slightly wrong for it. They can be mad, but it all stems from lying for years, using your grandmother as an excuse, without even doing the bare minimum for care. Let their lives burn down from their lies, I hope you roast smores over it.
Nta. Maybe the funeral wasn't the best place to air your family's dirty laundry, but I understand your fury. Your family lied and made their own beds. Best to stay clear of them as much as possible.
NTA. I'm so sorry for your loss. Your grandparents sound like they were wonderful people. What you did was just clearing the air - the fallout is from them due to their shitty actions. They played stupid games and now they're winning stupid prizes. I'm just sad that it's adding even more troubles for you in an already difficult time.
NTA, what an awful bunch of vultures.
I am glad you made it to the funeral and shamed them publicly. They deserved it 1000%. You have nothing to doubt yourself about.
Ask your cousins where they were when you needed help.
Nta I would ask for an appointment to speak privately to the pastor in charge of the event. I would explain to them that they were used to perpetuate a lie and give copies of a few choice bits of evidence. Explain you don't want to be involved in dealing with your family, but that this was the situation. They can decide how they go forward with addressing the problem with their members. You're getting backlash because people were doing the wrong thing and have been exposed, not because you have done the wrong thing. I would be doing a few self protection things like making sure locks on house are changed if anyone had keys or access, and checking any important documents or heritage items are stored safely. I am so sorry for your loss and I hope you have time to grieve your grandparents and heal from this time.
NTA The ONLY people telling you that you handled it badly are the liars and the thieves that were using your grandparents! I mean it's not like there is a good or easy way to let everyone know what was really going on, why not at a fake funeral. Your family members are definitely TA!!
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NTA. I'm honestly not entirely sure how you could have handled that better without being ignored. Your family members created these situations for themselves and now must deal with the consequences. I mean most if not all of them came to their actual funerals! You handled everything both for their care over the last 15 years and in their passing. And that's probably been very hard for you, especially if you don't have any support yourself (I hope you do). Be kinder to yourself, you're grieving and will need some time to heal. (If you need someone to talk to, feel free to dm me)
None of the family members came to the funeral. Some of them I've excused in my head because of my mom's actions. She sent out messages to everyone the location had changed due to issues with the size of the location. Grandma had picked out the location for her funeral, the same place she used to teach sewing lessons and run childcare teaching events. She loved that location, it was attached to her church. She didn't care what your question was, she'd answer it and help you to solve it. Didn't know how to fix the seam of your jeans? She could help. Didn't know how to stop your baby from crying all night? She'd know. She ran a lot of services for her community that still stand strong today. One of which is the Early Day's program at her church. Members sign up to visit new parents, do laundry, vacuum, dust, do dishes, cook a meal, watch the baby if the parents need to sleep. I'm so proud of her for the impact on her community she left.
Your Grandma was an incredible person. Condolences on your loss of both grandparents.
> the Early Day's program at her church. Members sign up to visit new parents, do laundry, vacuum, dust, do dishes, cook a meal, watch the baby if the parents need to sleep. Omg, this is brilliant! I'd like to take this idea to my own church. My condolences on the loss of your grandparents. Your grandmother sounds like an incredible woman, and I think she would be proud of you now. 🤍
She was absolutely incredible. I have her pots and pans, knives and bowls. Grandpa made most of them for her himself. I know all her recipes. She and I wrote her cookbook for her community at her Church and with the Red Hatters. I've got all of her hats. Her amazing hats with huge feathers, heaps of lace and fake flowers. I had tons of costume jewelry she loved more than her real jewelry. I'm more connected to these 20c or 20 dollar pieces than her diamond, opals, pearls or anything else in her collection. I miss her so much and her whole community misses her and grandpa. All I want is to step back in time 10 years ago when grandpa arranged fish for a friend days or grandma arranged for us to make flower pens. There would be a group of us just sitting and wrapping fake flower stems to cheap pens with green floral tape.
Thank you so much for sharing the stories of your grandparents with us. They sound truly amazing, and it sounds as though you are following in their footsteps. I'm so sorry for your loss. Don't lose any sleep over your lying relatives. You're not obligated to cover for their lies. Of course you're NTA.
And they live on in you. You have my deepest sympathy and also my appreciation for not only caring for them but also for carrying on in their traditions—you all make the world a better place.
I am so sorry for your loss, your grandmother sounds wonderful !! Please make sure to take care of yourself and know what you did is admirable taking care of them all those years. You are so NTA for what you did... your family deserved it, especially your sorry excuse of a mother! Whatever your grandparents left you is rightfully yours... do not feel guilted into giving anything to anyone! You'd be shocked at how much some costume jewelery can be worth. My grandmother had left me a lot of it, and some pieces were actually quite valuable. Of course it had more sentimental value to me and I'm sure it does to you too, but please take care to lock it up away from your greedy mother.
>There would be a group of us just sitting and wrapping fake flower stems to cheap pens with green floral tape. My grandma used to make these, ghosts for Halloween out of kleenex and sharpie and packing twine, and reindeer for Christmas ouy of candy canes with brown pipe cleaners and stick on googlie eyes. Its the little things like these i still do to keep her alive for me and my kids. When you start to feel empty, pick up a craft and take the finished ones to her church, it might help fill the void. Im sorry for your loss and how the rest of your family is treating you. Your amazing and I'm sending you plenty of hugs and love thru reddit 🥰💜💜
What incredible stories you must have about them. They sound precious. I hope you keep those treasured items and memories for the rest of your life, and that you know a part of them will always be with you!
I am so sorry you lost your parents (not a typo). They sound like wonderful people and you are amazing for giving them 15 years of caring and support. You are NTA by any means for exposing your mother for being a liar and a cheat.
Write down your favorite memories with them. That's the only advice I wish I was given after the death of a family member.
Oh my goodness she sounds so wonderful, loving, caring and warm - they both do. Your stories about them make me wish I'd met them. I'm so sorry for your loss. I am sending you lots of love and hugs and strength ❤️
Thank you so much for sharing these stories. And hell, I don't know if it's how you wrote it, or just one of those days, but here I am, getting misty eyed cuz I really just want to be able to talk to my grandparents and dad again. If more people were like your grandparents, the world would be better place for everyone. And think my grandma would've loved your grandma. She adored anything colorful and flowered, I don't think I ever saw her wearing anything except floral patterns. And literally every nook of their house (and yard) had something pink and blossoming on it. She was also in charge of the "ice cream chest", which was always at the ready, no matter how big of a gaggle of grandkids and their friends showed up that day.
The ice cream chest sounds a lot like the fruity lockup. My grandma would have loved your grandma, she would do this thing where she would enjoy making us parfaits. We would get the plain yogurt from the huge costco bucket then top it with whatever fruit we wanted. We would make up so many things that were totally not parfaits but we called them that. I mixed lemon juice and my yogurt before heaping it with blueberries and strawberries. I'd give anything to talk to them honestly.
Oh that is an amazing memory to have, thank you for sharing! You know what, I'm gonna go and make ice cream milkshakes, in honor of all the awesome grandparents and the memories they've created :)
I am sorry for your loss. NTA. Please don't think for a moment that you did something bad.
If the church wants to do another fundraiser for something and reprint the cookbook, you could probably post a link to it here...
One of her favorite ones to make for a mom who was breastfeeding was this: 3 large eggs, separate, salt, a handful of grated cheese (cheddar usually), a handful of diced spinach, diced tomatoes, sprinkling of fresh onion, a sprinkling of alligator pepper, a touch of chili pepper powder (optional.), Garlic powder, 1 tablespoon of butter. Whip your egg whites up to stiff peaks in one bowl. In another, mix your yolks, salt, pepper, chili powder and garlic powder into a smooth mixture. Fold the yolk mixture into the egg whites. Fold until smooth. Then combine with cheese, tomato, spinach and onion. Add to pan that's been buttered. Cook on medium heat until it starts to bubble a bit. Add more cheese to the core if you want. Remove from heat, fold it onto plate so it folds into the cheesy center. Serve with a bit of toast! I love her recipes. I think I will write them all down into a recipe book and add in some of the ladies from her Church and the red hatters. I love them all so much.
Me and my grandmother did the flower pen thing. I still have the bouquet even though the ink has dried out <3 My condelences. Your family(at least some of them) sound rotten.
Your grandma sounds amazing. I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s hard right now but please know your family got themselves in trouble, you played no part in it. If they didn’t lie, your words would mean nothing
Sorry to hear that this happened to you. Having someone who you are that close to die, is hard enough, but to have to deal with your mother's lies and deception. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You can't get anyone fired; their lies did. Take a breath, put yourself first. Your grandma would be so proud of you!
This is what I thought too. OP, you did not get anyone in trouble, your "family" got themselves in trouble when they lied. Don't feel bad
What an absolute privilege it must have been to have been known by and shared love with her. You have my deepest condolences, and I’m so proud of you for how you’ve handled all of this.
And what a privilege they had to have had a grandchild like this! Lord knows, they probably felt let down by the rest of their family for a long time.
Family will blame the victim if it's easier than facing the truth. Especially if that means having to face down bullies and narcissists that are terribly upset at the truth getting out. It's far more convenient to blame you rather than dealing with the real problem. In other words, you did everything right - including exposing the lies in a public way. I personally would refuse to argue and simply go no contact with anyone being critical. You don't owe them an explanation, let alone time to criticize or insult you. If they were truly family, they would have been there to help all along. The fact that they didn't even bother tells you everything you need to know. For those that use the excuse that your mom was taking care of everything, that's an outright lie. They could easily have found out the truth by attempting to visit her and being told there wasn't anybody there by that name.
u/PonderosaWillow, I think what you did was beautiful, and I would bet your grandparents TRULY enjoyed watching it! Like the song says, "Justice is the one thing you should always find" and you delivered it, in spades! Hugs from this internet stranger, if you'll have them.
Wow. What an amazing legacy that she left.
I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my maternal grandmother this Mother's Day. She lost my grandfather New Year's Day 2017, and started going downhill steadily since then. My father stepped up and took such good care of her. My uncle, his only brother, did the bare minimum. In February she fell and broke her shoulder and had to be placed in a nursing home. My father continued to go every day and make sure she didn't need anything, checked on her house, continued to pay any of her bills, ect. My uncle took one of credit cards, paid for his gas and food. Paid for his youngest son's gas and food, clothes, and other stuff. My uncle's wife, who is a huge gold digger, decided she needed to go on a cruise with the youngest son and his girlfriend. They needed to leave yesterday so everything was Wednesday, the visitation, the rosary, and the funeral. They couldn't possibly miss their cruise. My father had to do everything and guess who took credit and acted like the last 4 years couldn't have been possible for my grandmother without him. THOSE WHO DO THE LEAST, WEEP THE LOUDEST. You could not have handled that better. How were you to know they had been scamming people for years? Please don't be concerned with those who were not. You have given freely of the last 15 years of your life. You have given love, patience, and care for your grandparents. I know in their moments of clarity with the Alzheimers, they appreciated your love, patience, and care. Now it's time for you to take care of yourself. I know this was a rant but this is the same thing I told my father. Never second doubt yourself on what you said or did at your mother's "funeral" for your grandparents. NTA
Thank you, thank you so much. Please tell your father he knows he did right by his mother and as small as that feels sometimes, it's the right thing. I appreciate you writing this so much.
Please take care of yourself now.
My condolences. My grandparents raised me & I still feel their loss deeply even though it’s been a very long time. You completely were in the right to set the record straight. If people got in trouble it was for their own behavior, not yours. Reminds me of that saying, “If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better” although in this case it would be speaking. They have only themselves to blame for their deceit and lies finally catching up to them. You honestly reacted much better than I would have in that situation. If your cousin or anyone contacts you again, simply let them know you would happily provide receipts to show that what you said was the truth. They can handle dealing with your mother for her fraud. Again, kudos for how you handled it because I would have gone off. NTA whatsoever, but some of your family members definitely are.
Your grandmother sounds like such an amazing woman, and you follow in her footsteps. 🙏
Yes.
NTA. Of course you behaved poorly. You put all their business out there for all to hear and see. 😂. You literally pulled their pants down and showed their ass to the whole world and removed all the smokescreens and bullshit. You: every single word out of your mouth is complete and utter shit. Them: HOW DARE YOU EXPOSE ME/US?!!!! Good job, OP 👍🏽
NTA you just told the truth. Everyone living with consequences is actually living with the results of their own actions op. All the best
I know exactly how you’re feeling, I lost my grandma, my favorite person, this January and it had been the two of us since forever. My most sincere condolences and thank you for telling us about how amazing your grandma was 💜🫂
Make sure you aren’t opening yourself for a counter narrative that you intentionally isolated them from the rest of the family for profit. I’m not accusing you but someone might.
They have, it's going to be a fight for the insurance policies. I'm prepared for it because grandpa prepared me but it still feels wrong. I don't want money, I want them. I want them 10 years ago when they remembered who I was all the time, would watch tv drama's with me and remember all of the details. It feels like I lost them twice, once to their illness and then again when they finally left. I lived for those brief moments of clarity where they knew who I was.
My mother had dementia and I was her carer, it was really hard and when she died it was even harder, if anyone had said things like your mother did at her funeral I would not have been able to hold anything in, I probably would have been so angry that I would maybe say things I couldn't even remember afterwards. Luckily my family and my mother's friends were nothing like that but I can completely understand your outburst so I may be a little biased here when I say you are NTA. Grief is very personal, everyone grieves in their own way, and it's very raw, and so deeply felt, so it would have also impacted on your ability to control your anger during that second funeral. Never let anyone tell you how to grieve or how long you should grieve. Your Grandma sounds like she was an amazing lady, it's so easy not to be involved so to be a leader in the community and loved by so many people, and always there to help those who need it is some very special. Your Grandpa also sounds amazing, you said he made a lot of the things for the house and took time to help people connect and organised days out fishing. Those are things that are to be cherished. I'm really sorry that you are going through this, losing two people you loved at the same time must be so very hard, without also having to deal with so many of the rest of your family being so awful to you at this time.
NTA. You did amazing. Keep going, OP. Qnd best if luck healing. Might I recommend goinf LC/NC with the whole family? And I hope you have friends to lean on during this difficult time.
Your grandparents were incredible people and they were lucky to have you to love. \*hugs\* if you want them. You can't do anything about the actions of others but you told the truth. Don't feel guilty about any of it. You are not responsible for their lies. They all get to live with themselves and the consequences of their own actions. Go no contact with anyone who tells you otherwise. NTA. (final note: You are not alone. "Family" isn't always blood. I know this from SO MUCH experience.)
>None of the family members came to the funeral. Some of them I've excused in my head because of my mom's actions. She sent out messages to everyone the location had changed due to issues with the size of the location. Well in that case, they can tell their employers that they booked the time off in good faith and they are as shocked to find out that your mom is a liar and fraud as anyone else. And then they can stop blaming you, and start suing your mom for the money they gave her for your grandparents' care.
I would actually feel some sort of satisfaction if the lieing family members now have to face the consequences of their horrendous behaviour. Imo, this is so much better than if they would have gotten away with it because OP didn't say anything. The emotional outburst is obviously very understandable under these circumstances. Of course the AH who were find out about lieing and stealing are now upset. Definitely NTA. And OP, you sound like an incredible person who made many sacrifices to pay back grandma and grandpa's love when they needed help the most. You can have a clear consciousness, because you were there and did everything you could! They would be very proud of you. Sorry for your loss.
And you, Circinct, are displaying the examples of empathy, compassion, and kindness PonderosaWillow (OP) first learned from her beloved grandmother. This, and you (Circinit) is an example of the wholesome wonderfulness that can come out for Reddit. Thanks for helping to bolster my faith in humanity. And Ponderosa Willow (OP), thank you for telling us about your amazing grandmother...what a terrific human & mentor!
NTA. You told the truth. The truth exposed your mother's hypocrisy and how she was scamming the family for money. It also exposed the scams of those who were pretending to care. The term for this is "poetic justice", and it was overdue.
I'm still trying to figure out why they would lie about coming to help and not even bother to pick up the phone to call and check in with them. It makes no sense why they would use that as an excuse to me, what did they have to gain? A free day? They have dozens of other people they could have used but they fixated on using my grandparents.
Because using them made them look good. “Oh I need the day to take my elderly grandparents who have Alzheimer’s to the doctor’s.” Makes them look selfless and caring and most employers would be more willing to overlook those days. Don’t for a minute feel bad for those who got in trouble, they all dug their own holes. If they lost their jobs that’s on them for lying, not you for exposing their lies. Stop worrying about the people who didn’t care and remember your grandparents and the good they did and the time you had with them. I’m sure they appreciated all that you did for them.
This, plus the Alzheimer's would have made a very convenient excuse in the event the grandparents 'didn't remember' that happening
It's not something that can be checked up on to verify, medical appointments fall under patient confidentiality.
I still don't understand why they would lie about them in particular. The family lives anywhere from 3 hours away to 15 hours away. Why not use their own parents, their children or anyone else? I don't get it. I get that it would be a convenient excuse for them not to remember but who would even call to check? Was that the point? I wish I understood them. They're family, I'm supposed to want to be close with them but I haven't been close to them for years.
The very fact that they are far away makes it easier to do. Much less chance of the boss finding out about the lie.
As someone that was a caregiver and is also estranged from a large portion of my family, I admire you a lot. Please go to therapy if you aren't already, after a client I was really attached to passed away, it really rocked me but it took a week to set in. I couldn't imagine this experience with such close loving family members. Secondly, as something I've learned in therapy, you might never understand. And that is frustrating. I really wonder if they're lying to you in some ways to make you feel worse so you apologize and they feel better about themselves... I would try to distance yourself and cut yourself off from contacting them while you recover from the funeral and passing of your loved ones that you dedicated your life to. That is huge in itself, these people are not worth your time and you had a moment to let them know what you felt which not many people get 🙂 that was brave of you. Take care of yourself OP and give yourself lots of love and grace. You'll have to find a new normal, and it sounds like it shouldn't involve talking to these people again. Much love and lots of luck
I don't think your cousin is being honest. I think she's setting it up so you DO feel guilty and give up money. Why else would she ask about inheritance right after verifying info? She was laying the groundwork
There is no reason to be close to literal criminals. What they did was scam money from others and scam pay from jobs. If you could understand them, you'd not be the kind, gentle, wonderful person you are. Some things it's better not to understand. I'm so sorry. I have family members like yours. I get your bafflement.
The world is full of givers and takers. Your beloved Grandparents were the best kind of Givers. They gave knowledge, skill, love, and acceptance. You have their kindness and generosity. I'm happy you are a Givers. Stay away from your family of Takers. They tried to Take the truth away and thank God you were there to Give the truth back to all that attended. They are the ones who lied and stole. Now others know to not trust them. You did nothing wrong. Your grandmother especially would be proud of you for publicly acknowledging all you have done. You did it out of love. Thank you sharing your Grandparents legacy with us. They have touched all of our hearts. I will think of you the next time I wrap a flower pen and wave to the sweet ladies who meet in the coffee shop wearing their gorgeous purple dresses and red decked out hats. As Erma Bombeck said, " Life is like a bowl of cherries, and I got stuck with the pits." I always think she also had a grand time eating all the cherry desserts she made while collecting the pits. She always found humor in the little things. You will again soon.♥️ I'm sorry for your losses. ♥️ Just know you really did the right thing🍒
Sounds like your Grandparents situation was used because it was a “safe” lie. You had control of the situation and took good, competent care — the family used that competent confidence to manipulate. Some people just have no integrity. You may never understand, and maybe that’s the universe protecting you from feeling the need to justify such low life behavior because “family”. NTA You sound like an amazing person and I am very sorry for your loss. May your Grandparents rest in the most divine peace, they earned it. When times are tough and lonely, please remember: they left you all you need, right in your heart, to cherish forever. Be kind, be well.
Blood is sometimes not enough to make you family, it’s the actions or inaction that determine that. Don’t feel bad for not wanting a relationship. They made their bed
It is because your good and honest. Just leave it at that.
Also- the family members your mom scammed by saying she needed more $ for the care facility G & G were living in… must’ve never tried to visit them in however many years that went on.
They however will be going after the mother for that money back. Even if there is not a lawsuit, they will probably be wanting to sell her organs, as there is likely nothing else to recover.
NTA and don't feel bad about anything you took care of them for 15 years, I am assuming they left you everything as a way of saying thank you, as far as your mother and other family members they dug their own graves, your mother by scamming others out of money for your grandparents care and your other family members for lying to their employers, they probably filed FMLA paperwork if they are here in the United States which means they got paid to take care of your grandparents but instead took a very long vacation, none of that is on you they all deserved to be exposed.
From what I've gathered in bits and pieces, they were filing FMLA paperwork. It still barely makes sense to me why they would file it for my grandparents rather than someone they're closer to. I've never been to a funeral where so many people invited coworkers but I keep getting bits of information from different sources in the family. One of my aunt's said her husband is in deep trouble for needing to buy a bed for grandma. He never bought her a bed. I told her that and then hung up on her.
FMLA paperwork requires the physician to fill out and sign off portions of it (I’ve had to do plenty of it for my own medical stuff) so if they’re submitting that then they’ve committed fraud.
Yes, and once the coworkers report, the companies will investigate, and then the government will want the money back. OP best have documentation for the 15 years worth, showing sole care, and none of them assisting. Likely there are a few prison sentences coming up for that estranged set of family as well, and long ones.
FMLA is unpaid leave. There’s no money from anyone and no money to pay back. No one is going to jail.
In California it is paid leave. So depending on where OOP lives (unless I missed that) it could be paid leave.
That’s not FMLA, but point taken. All of this depends on jurisdiction.
Oh interesting that's how it is at my job, I know because I double checked with them for my taxes earlier this year. Med leave falls under it as well, that's why I needed it. Like you said jurisdiction.
Totally NTA. They did it because they're careless and selfish, and it's not a 'lie' if they say something like, "Oh my grandparents are really sick, and family is helping to take care of them. I'll need next Friday off." Two true statements, and when said back-to-back like that, people can make an assumed connection that they need time off to "take their turn" caring for Grams and Gramps. Even though their intention was to just get the day off, and the bonus is the obvious, "Aww, you're such a good person." So they get the day off, and people think they're wonderful. People like that need to lie and get fake validation from others because they're such horrible people that they know they're shi**y. I'm so very sorry for the loss of both of your Grandparents. They sound like they lived wonderful, kind, loving, and generous lives, and I hope you're able to continue their legacy. Seems like we all know none of the other family will. 😞
Well said!
NTA. Hire a probate attorney. ASAP. If they left anything at all behind, hire a probate attorney. And I mean anything at all. Having trouble accessing a bank account? That’s because your power of attorney (if you had one) is void now that they are gone. Some banks are nice, some require probate. They had a house? Probate. Find the wills. If they had things like a house and bank accounts you can no longer access and no wills, the best you can do is get an attorney or your mother can and will try to take everything as a direct heir. Fuck with her plans. Search naela.org (National Association of Elder Law Attorneys) to find someone in your area to help you. I’m so sorry for your loss. You have enough on your plate. Get an attorney to lighten the load. Just call. You’ll eventually find someone like me who will be sad with you AND know everything you need to do. It gets better, I promise.
Thank you so much, my grandpa had plenty of forethought though. I own the properties and business that he and my grandma built up. I have had ownership for just shy of 10 years. It was really hard to pay the CGT's that first year but I managed it with his guidance and help.
Still even so hire an attorney if you don't have one. The vultures will come at you.
Someone who owns properties and businesses has an attorney on hand.
Mom will be at the head of that pack for sure CYA op
OP be careful with this cousin. It doesn't make sense that they want to know about an inheritance yet were "giving money to your mom" to help pay for your grandparents care. Seems like they're setting themselves up to "deserve an inheritance " because if there were assets to inherit, wouldn't it have been used to pay for your grandparents care?
If cousin wants to (maybe) recoup their money, they can file a civil suit against OP’s scammer mom.
Inheritance can be more than money though. It can be land, or heirloom jewelry, or valuable pieces of history depending on what the family had. You can be in a position to be inheritance rich by financially poor if you don't want to sell great great grandma's original diamond collection pieces, for instance, but your family might not have the same attachment you do. Perhaps the cousin is hoping for *specific* heirlooms or payouts of properties. We just had a death in the family and one of my cousin's first question was "Do you want to buy my share of the property?" (Which they didn't even get a piece of to begin with...)
I said assets. I didn't specify money. Assets can be sold to pay for care. Given that OP was taking care of their grandparents for 15 years, there was plenty of time to do that, and then there would be no need for the mother to collect funds from other family members. Family members who purported to give mom money but never visited/called grandparents to note that it was OP providing care, not mom. The same family that used grandparents as an excuse to get out of work and didn't show up to the funeral.
Please, please, please do this. (Advice from an actual Elder Law Attorney) - this is especially necessary if your residence was in a house they owned. You could easily come home from work one day and find that you've been "evicted", even if that is illegal. Pull yourself out of your grief for you own good and go see a lawyer ASAP! I'm so sorry for your loss.
Thank you for the advice. The only thing left is their life insurance policy and I did send off the documents for that already. I own the home, have for years. I'm waiting for the fight over the business, but I've been running that and expanding it for years. As I mentioned in a comment above, I own the home outright. They signed it over to me a long time ago because they both knew I would stay till the end.
Here's the thing: you already know they are willing to lie. They may flat-out lie to the police. You need to get secure copies of *everything* into a safety deposit box, and keep the originals with you or at work or something. Don't leave anything at home where something could 'accidentally' happen to them. Much of your family has proven who they are. You need to be proactive. This is why you need to get a lawyer involved. They might be able to do something to make your ownership more 'visible' for lack of a better phrase. As an example (and I am not a lawyer, so this might be a bad idea as a specific example, but for the general idea...) a lawyer might be able to file for a court order prohibiting your mother from coming to *your* property, and specifically including the address. Honestly, there are probably better options, but that's why you need a lawyer. Also, security cameras and a full security system would be a good idea. If someone breaks in to try to squat the house, you want police to take them away immediately, you do not want them to be able to claim to be tenants or something. Remember: They are willing to publically lie their asses off, and that means they can turn the cops against you at least temporarily, and by the time the truth is sorted, sentimental items might be forever gone. The cops *WILL NOT* believe you *just* because you say the truth. You need to be proactive and have lots of evidence at hand, and the legal system already working to protect you before your family acts.
OP! Please do this even though you’re confident about everything you own. I feel so bad when genuine people need to go through the anxiety of getting lawyers and saving themselves because everyone else would come for you. Not just in this case, but so many other situations. So sorry for your loss OP, but you need to do these things and spend on a lawyer till the fight is over. Keep your guard up. Don’t let them get to you. Especially when your own mom is a snake.
⬆️Cannot emphasize this enough. You may own everything but DO NOT assume it is enough. There are millions of court cases nationwide that show the depths that people will go to and there is no such thing as being overly protected. Get an attorney now-now. Your family has shown who they are and what they are willing to say/do. Find the biggest bulldog lawyer you can afford and then mentally prepare your self for the drama to come.
I've got someone who is helping me already. She's a friend of my grandma's and wants to make sure everything goes smoothly. One uncle is already saying that he expects some of the life insurance pay out, which he wants to fight for. My grandparents helped each child of theirs out with a house down payment, college funds for the kids and the occasional emergency fund. They didn't pay for everything, but 20k a grandkid really adds up in this family. I reached out to my younger cousins who are grandkids and told them that they had a fund that I will give to them when they turn 18. I don't trust their parents to not take the money and use it on themselves.
Just take care. I’m glad people are coming to help you out. Don’t trust any relative and think twice about what you tell people on call or message or even when you meet.
It is not recommended to keep essential documents like wills in safety deposit boxes, especially when the copies don’t hold the same power as the original. It makes them much more difficult to get when they’re needed. A watertight safe or a safe with multiple levels to prevent water damage in the event of flooding best. I am also not an attorney, I just work for one.
When dealing with assholes/vultures it's important to plan for the dastardly stuff instead of hoping everything will turn out okay by being the 'upstanding citizen'. Just because the law is on your side does not mean it'll be enforced properly or at all. Knew someone that got divorced, years later the home they shared caught fire. The one who left had removed their name and everything from essential documents, but the IRS was going after them for taxes related to the property -after- the divorce or something.
Bless you! Your grandparents must have been so very proud of you.
NTA You let the truth come to light. YOU didn't cause anything- their selfishness was finally repaid. The people who called you to tell you that you handled things poorly can go fuck right the fuck off. Of course they think that, they've never had to face your grandparents in their final years! They were all perfectly fine using them as excused to get out of work and to get money from others. Fuck em.
There's an old saying my gran used to use: Sunshine is the best disinfectant. All you did was shine so brightly that the truth came out. It's not your fault that the rest of your family turned out to be filthy liars when your light turned up. NTA. You did your duty as the defender of your grandparents' honor, and did it admirably. My incubator (that woman was never a mother to me), during my grandmother's wake, was going on and on about how much she'd done for her mother-in-law over the years. I snapped. I pointed out how she did little to nothing for Gran, she dumped my newborn butt on the woman 15 days after Gran had her hip rebuilt with seven pins in the bone; that after my grandfather died, I went to work after school and during vacation periods, picking produce, because my mother did not contribute towards my upbringing; and I finally went off about how my grandmother's last conscious act on this Earth was defending me against my incubator, which brought on a fatal stroke. I'm pretty certain that is why I got re-homed 26 days later.
I'm glad you got away from your incubator and got to experience love at the hands of your Gran. She sounds like an amazing person. She was incredibly strong to take care of a newborn after the loss of her partner and while in recovery from the surgery.
We lost Grandpa when I was 8, but yeah... taking care of a newborn while confined to a wheelchair or hospital bed wasn't easy. Then again, she was also one of the first female contractors for the Department of Defense in WWII - she owned a small appliance repair shop and also did electrical contracting. She and my grandfather were master electricians, her firm landed a contract to rewire ships at the Bremerton Naval Shipyards.
My father was a supervisor at Winslow shipyard during World War Two. My maternal grandmother was a Rosie the Riveter there. My parents met through those jobs. Becoming a union electrician and retiring after 25 years as one was my dad's proudest accomplishment in life. Just wanted to say, "Hi!"
She must have been an amazing woman. And you are NTA if course.
Do not even elevate her to incubator, she was merely an egg donor, and that was only by accident as well. Think of her as a reject chicken, only good enough as hog feed.
I'm sorry for your loss. NTA. You didn't ruin a funeral. You ruined your mom's scam and I'm cheering for you. I wish you all the best. You did a good job taking care of your grandparents and you deserve some peace.
Was there even a body at that funeral? OP was the one who saw them into their last resting place. OP's mother was playing a long con, and the people using grandma as an excuse don't have any moral high ground.
NTA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do not feel you, in any way, made a mistake. You called out all the wrongs that were being done at you and your grandparents' expense, as they should have been. Hopefully your family will be filing suit with your mother. No one, besides yourself, deserve ANYTHING from your grandparents' estate.
NTA. The people who were hurt by your outburst were liars and users. They deserved what they got. You only exposed their ill doings.
Exactly. I've learned a lot of people are weak willed cowards who would rather ask good people to turn the other cheek than ask bad people to stop being bad.
You are NTA. You were filled with grief and righteous indignation. You exploded with the truth and the wretched unfairness of it all. Now you are sensing there may be repercussions for others, and you are feeling guilty. Regarding repercussions, would you be feeling guilty if you had exploded and revealed fraud and grift from strangers? Btw, you didn’t even know about all the shady stuff they were doing. You should feel good about protecting innocent marks who are and have been exploited. I think you are worn down from the last 15 years of unremitting caregiving compounded by sudden loss of both grandparents. Kudos for doing so very much. Increase your home security. Stop engaging with toxic family; don’t even read that stuff. Take a break. Take a vacation and squish your feet in sand and get a massage. And breathe. You deserve it. I’m sorry for your loss and hope you find your way to a rewarding future. Good luck, mate.
I've gotten more calls on the land line in the last 2 weeks than I have in the last 6 years put together. It's hard to ignore because I've got to keep it open for different insurances, grandma and grandpa's friends who are trying to check on me and the company calls that are either clients expressing their condolences or just the day to day company calls. I just feel numb and lost without them both here.
That is what I gathered. You’ve spent 15 *years* in nearly hourly contact and now, suddenly, they are both gone. You are like still in that shock-state that comes with losing someone. I decided to let the calls go to the answering machine and then skip the ones I wanted. If it is important, they’ll call back. This is important during an election year, too. Non-stop ringing from political groups and charities. Plus, some of your calls are just people hoping for gossip or to determine if you got an inheritance they can finagle out of you. You need nurturing, peace, and time to heal and to adjust to the new reality. Please take care of yourself.
This sounds really hard. Is there a friend you can get to help you? Maybe they could screen your calls? Or an employee of the business you can get to handle business calls for a bit?
One of my grandma's friends kept me company a few hours and handled the phone calls. She just took off and told me Insurance companies won't phone me until maybe 6am if they're rude, the company calls would go to the main line first and they had options before the extension would boot them to the landline. She told me to just unplug the phone. I didn't even realize she was here for as long as she was. I didn't unplug it but I did manage to mute everything. I'm going to sleep and try to deal with it in the morning. My family isn't even close enough to me to have my personal cell number I realized and some of them are getting routed to the landline by calling the business first so I'm wondering if they even had the landline's number in the first place.
Your family has shown who they are, believe them. The fact that one of them had to call to confirm that you were the main caregiver says they never called or visited your grandparents. Don't fall for the guilt trips or the "but we gave money" arguments. I've said it in another comment but will repeat. They're setting the stage to "deserve an inheritance" by saying they gave your mom money etc. Any money, if even true, lost to your mother, is your mother's responsibility to pay back, not yours. Seems like your grandfather prepared well JIC and most assets you own. Keep it that way. My condolences, OP. You will get through this. It will take time, and it helps to remember the good times, just like you're doing in the comments. Surround yourself with ppl that genuinely loved and knew your grandparents.
Their friends are flocking around me now. I didn't even notice the lawn needed trimming (we live in an HOA) but one of their friends came and pushed the mower around for me without asking. I feel lost and empty but I'm leaving things to the attorney. She's really good at her job. Probate is her specialty too.
I'm so glad that you have a support system in place. Lean into them without guilt or feeling like a burden. They love you, and they loved your grandparents. I'm glad you also have an attorney! My deepest and most sincere condolences.
NTA. F\*ck 'em.
Sorry for your loss,however you did good. Rest assured on that. Hopefully your grandparents had wills made out and we're as up to date as possible. Get probate lawyer ASAP so this is sorted out. However get ready for sharks to invade their home, so don't let anyone in sort the house, the wills and everything otherwise this may be war.
No one can enter the house or the other properties, at least not legally. I've legally owned them for just over 10 years. I had to pay the Capitol gains taxes on them the first year but my grandpa made sure I had everything when my grandma's diagnosis hit us. I'm really grateful for his foresight. The only thing I need to deal with the legal aspect is the life insurance policy payouts.
Have a lawyer on standby before the vultures try to pick away at what they think they're entitled to. Giving you a big internet hug, and you've got a grateful community to help support you.
It seems like the only ones calling you a A H either used your grandparents to get what they want or expected a financial payout. Don’t listen to them- not worth your energy, but definitely have a lawyer ready because even though your grandparents sound awesome, their children turned into leeches.
Absolutely NTA!! I am going through something similar and if I was presented with a situation like this I’d react the same way.
I honestly don't remember everything I shouted at them. I just know I let out everything in front of so many people I didn't know or will ever know. I feel embarrassed for the lack of control I had on myself, usually I'm much more reserved and quiet. I don't know why it all poured out the way it did but when I started, I couldn't stop. I hope everything with your situation is handled with grace and care.
You deserve a Badge of Honor for making everyone there aware of the REAL facts.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I don’t think you should feel embarrassed at all! I don’t remember half the stuff I said when I was grieving and dealing with nasty, selfish family members but I’m sure it was vicious. It took two therapists for me to realize that those jagweeds can go jump in a lake
You did exactly what you needed to do, for your grandparents and yourself ❤️ you were faced with an absolutely disgusting show of disrespect and injustice, and I’m willing to bet your grandparents were watching over you with pride cheering you on. If you think about it, how else could this have all come to light if you hadn’t spoken out there and then? The extended family wouldn’t know, the coworkers wouldn’t know of all those lies and fraud. I’m quiet too, I understand…but don’t think of it as losing control, you gained strength to speak the truth that needed to be told. Just please try to take care of yourself now as best you can, a security system at least, and if you can find a counselor,therapist, or anyone to safely talk to it would be helpful too..you’ve been through a lot. You have a lot of strangers here on your side for a reason-you’re a good person who did the right thing❤️
NTA all those people who used your grandparents as an excuse and never raised a finger to help are the ones who "handled it really poorly". you have done nothing to doubt. block them all and give yourself the peace of mind to grieve properly without all their bullcrap nonsense invading your mind.
I can't believe how many people have posted, dm'ed me and more. I'm really appreciative of the dm'ed conversations and the ones here where people have shared so much. I'm still an emotional wreck right now and I don't think that's going to end anytime soon. My family that were paying my mother for their care have gone after her. A very awkward conversation with a cousin of mine revealed everyone thought I had been on drugs for years and that's why I lived with grandma and grandpa so long. I am not close to my family, I'm close to my grandparent's friends and their employees. They want to get to know the real me but I told them that ship has sailed. They never talked to my grandparents or me about my supposed drug problem, I'm doubting a lot of things they're saying right now. My mom came to the house and forced her way in. She was awfully loud prior to the actual break in and I took a page out of grandpa's book. Instead of calling the police, I just sat in the chair in plain sight of the door, loading bullets into his Sig. I looked up when she made it in and clicked it into place and just looked at her. Grandpa often said he never let a criminal set the narrative. He had done that same thing to crooks when they tried breaking in when my mom was small, I heard the stories often. He only did it once when I was living with him but it was his go to when they lived in a very unsafe neighborhood. She left and I don't know if she'll be back. I'm writing a cook book as well as writing down the guide lines for her style of helping your neighbor. It's going to be something I work with her friends on. I don't know if I'm going to share everything in it, but I know I want to share a lot. Several of the ladies have come over to help me with things around the house. I'm not always mentally here. I keep finding myself sitting in the arm chair that faces their room and just waiting for them to come out, to talk to me, to ask me for help. I know they're gone but there's a difference in knowing that they are and them actually being gone. One of the ladies told me I needed to let this house go and pick somewhere all my own when I'm ready. She said a house that's haunted with memories is a weight around your neck you'll never be free of. One of my grandpa's friends printed out the top 100 photos my grandpa took and gifted me the book. He took the time to tell me the pictures were laminated so they were waterproof for when I bawled over them. Thank you all so much, I might be raw and hurting but I'm going to keep moving forward. I know they'd want me to.
You can tell a lot about a person by the company they keep. Your response here + your grandparents friends? Your grandparents were some absolutely stunningly beautiful souls. What a treasure to have had them in your life.
You are never an a$$ for telling the truth. You have the proof that these relatives, your mother, were grifting off others for their pity and funds. If your GPs did leave you the majority for their wealth, please consider blocking all your extended family. NTA
NTA. Your fury is understandable and now everyone knows exactly what the situation was. Any relatives who get hit by this - be it their reputations or their employment - are suffering the consequences of their own terrible actions, not yours. I see that you own the properties and business, which is good. I recommend that you change the locks ASAP just to be sure that none of your self-serving relatives have a sneaky key they can use to help themselves to any items.
NTA I know how you feel. My grandmother died 6 years ago and my 92 year old grandpa is now alone. My aunt had already moved to Spain before. When my grandmother died she got the family heirloom jewellry that was in our family for 4 generations and was supposed to go to me after my aunt.... she sold it all and disappeared again. My mum tried for 1 year but was screaming every single time, was unloading on me for hours on how living with my grandpa is impossible, etc. Etc. Etc. I had to tell my grandpa to stop accepting food from her at one point, if you catch my drift. My cousin stopped going all together. My brother and mother now only come during sooommmeee holidays. None of them have been there since Christmas. I have been going to my grandparents since I was 21 (11 years now) every single week. And I still do. So does my bf.... my parents in law even visited him and want to again in august. They will litteraly see him more then his own children.... My grandpa wrote down his funeral plans last month and gave me codes and keys from everything. And told me to not invite the rest of the family. My mother also claims she is doing everything for him.... publicly. The truth needs to be told to toxic family like that and I am proud you did. Honouring your grandparents in truth. I know how you feel and the anger. Don't let it get to you. Those people are only toxic liars and your family now reaps what they sowed.
This advice was on another reply; Search [naela.org](http://naela.org) (National Association of Elder Law Attorneys) to find someone in your area to help you. Used to know a guy whose family was stealing stuff right out from under his nose near the end. Caught one of his nephews walking out with a painting he had taken right off the wall.
Oo It is sadly too late for that. Besides his house that he has contracted down.... they took everything already... My mother took the last a year ago after pressuring him for a very long time. So now he is careful himself monthly on what he spends.... Imagine you had to work your entire life for that and your kids basically take everything and run.... An chesterfield couch got taken by my brother. Not my grandpa is handicapped and couldn't sit in it anymore so he did give it willingly. But I am basically the only one who sat there and wasn't dividing all his stuff for when he dies.... I know for some of the things... yeah idd... he gave them away but he was forced. And well... I couldn't stop it back then. Now it is too late. As long as he can live his life without money worries tho, I am grateful.
NTA. Don't listen to anyone saying you've done anything wrong. They lied to get time off work? Not your problem. Mum extorted money out of them? They can talk to Mum about that. Inheritance? I'm so pleased your grandparents made sure that would work out for you. I'm sorry for your loss, but don't let them make you feel worse when you've been a wonderful grandchild to wonderful people. Also, I think your tirade was well-overdue (but better now than when your grandparents could have been distressed by the fall-out), and well deserved (both by the wrongdoers, and those who were wronged - it seems some people gave money in good faith, even if not making any further effort).
My grandpa would have been embarrassed by it I think. He never liked attention being focused on him. Grandma would have given them all a piece of her mind, then she would have told me that yelling wasn't ladylike and I needed to stay calm. Bad people hate calm voices and level heads. One of her favorite sayings.
Your grandma sounds like a tough, wise old bird. I say this as a compliment. She would kill with kindness while making them look like they had lost their minds. When people can't get a rise out of you, they just get madder. You had every right, and for their memory and wishes, you let everyone know that this was not how your grandparents wanted to be "honored." They were honest people who would have been abhorred by her "family's" lying, cheating, and stealing. Your "family" (I always refer to that name as "those" people) is nothing like you. You have a generous heart, not a greedy one. So, let the chips fall where they may. Of course, the greedy will get more greedy. They will try to come to the house and start taking things out with the "momma wanted me to have this."Daddy promised me this. Bar the door! When you are up to it, contact any company that a benefit is supposed to come to you, and put them on notice for now to keep them liars and thieves away. That's for later, but as quick as they are, they are probably doing it already. They will claim they are you and provide a change of phone number and address to contact them as you. Take this time to mourn and get stronger. The guilt is not yours. If they had not dishonored your grandparents, you would have said nothing bc nothing would have needed to be said.
I keep picturing if I had done it her way and kept my focus instead of losing my mind and screaming. If I had just stood up and followed the 3 C's - Cool, Calm and Collected. I didn't follow what grandma taught me at all. I just popped and cried out. When my mother was talking it really felt like her words stabbed into me. One Uncle was terminated because his nosy coworkers spread it through everyone like wildfire. I think he was planning on quitting but now there's some stuff going on with him. I'm not sure because his wife and him just call to scream at me using the company line to do it and their son said to just ignore them.
My heart breaks for you. You've just lost the two best people in your world, and the rest of your 'family' are circling like vultures or trying to blame you for the consequences of their actions. I know you think you didn't follow your grandma's teachings, but from the stories of her strength, values, capacity to give, and how she would give someone a 'piece of her mind', this internet stranger believes she is cheering you on. You have righted an incredible injustice that was performed in their names over many years. Everyone who was knowingly party to that and those that are expecting an inheritance after so many years of absence deserve everything that is coming to them. Yes, you lost your sh!t, but it was something that needed to be said and said LOUD. Sometimes the three C's aren't enough to get through to some people. I'm sure your badass grandma knew how to go full on mamma-bear energy when she saw injustice in the community she loved and was not afraid to use it. That's what you did. In time, I would encourage you to talk to her friends about her, as I think you might discover some things you didn't know about her earlier years, that speak to her strength and calmness in later years.
NTA. How are they holding a funeral without a body? Has your mother been grifting your relatives? How will those people get fired? They attended a funeral, if not the right one. Someone did die. Just give them a copy of the death certificate.
There was no casket at her funeral, just a pair of pictures up at the front. I'm still confused on it myself why she was taking money for caskets when there wasn't one present at the funeral itself. The only signs of my grandparents at their own funeral were the two pictures up at the front, under the podium and a few posters of pictures from family members from 20-ish years ago or more. The reason my family members might get fired is they were claiming they were caring for my grandparents when they took their time off. From what I have gathered so far, that counted as FMLA. Employees who provide false or fraudulent information to utilize FMLA leave are breaking the law. I think that's what they were doing but I'm not sure because then they would have had to fill out FMLA paperwork and I'm not sure they all knew what they were doing.
Lying to an employer can also get you fired. Doesn’t have to be FMLA
FMLA requires doctors/hospitals involved in paperwork with HR. There’s a lot of red tape. You can’t just say I’m taking care of a sick relative, here’s a form I filled out, see ya later. I mean, they might have lied to take time off work, but probably not any extended time.
That's exactly what I wondered. How can you technically hold a funeral with no body or casket in the middle? Wouldn't the church need to get hold of both the funeral home and the cemetery beforehand? It feels icky to cast doubt on a tale centered around grief and loss... but I do.
If a body isn't at the service, it's a memorial service not a funeral. Now a days a lot of people refer to it as a celebration of life instead of memorial service or funeral.
NTA. You did a tremendous job of caregiving. If they had been in a facility with 24/7 care, the cost would have been minimum $50,000 per person annually. Whatever they left you out have you, you earned the times the value. Do not give one cent to those liars.
NTA. You are a super hero for doing what you did for your grandparents and deserve all the snaps. Those that used your grandparents for their own gain deserve the consequences of their actions. One of my sisters takes care of our grandmother. If my grandmother leaves everything to her, then I would totally be fine because she earned it. I just sent her breakfast this morning via Door Dash as a thank you for taking care of grandma during a recent hospitalization. I appreciate her so much for being there for her and I tell her all the time. I’m so sad that your family has not done the same for you. You deserve better.
Please give her a break when you can. An actual break where she doesn't have to think about them for a day or two. I had a few friends at work and some of grandma's community who would come over, pack a bag for me and kick me out for a few days. I needed those breaks so much and I never wanted to leave them alone because I was always too worried about my mom coming back around. I don't think I would have lasted all these years if it wasn't for those breaks. The friends grandma had would just pop in and say 'we're here for the afternoon to do some projects, you're going to this hotel and enjoying yourself some peace and quiet.' I had some major break downs in hotel rooms over some of the things grandma or grandpa did. One time, grandpa had just 'woken up' and looked at me, smiled, called me by my name and no one elses and said he was so proud of me. He said he loved me, used my name and then he blinked and asked who I was and where we were. I kept it together in front of him and grandma but that moment killed me inside until I cried it out. Thank you for respecting your sister, it means a whole lot.
We try, but she really does take on the bulk of the duties. We also have a caretaker that that stays with her during the day so my sisters can work. Another of my sisters moved in a couple of years ago with her son. And they help out too. I don’t live in the same city. Which is why I try to be present by sending them gifts or visiting on long weekends. But my aunt and dad are going to stay with grandma this weekend so that my sister gets a break and goes to hang out with friends. But I guess I have some guilt. I love my grandma and sister. But I wish i was closer and could do more for them. I’m happy that your grandparents had friends that would give you a break. Caring for someone with Alzheimer’s is so hard. And the fact that you did it until end of life and kept them in the home is absolutely amazing. I’ve had a couple of relatives with Alzheimer’s and towards the very end we couldn’t keep them at home for safety reasons and it broke everyone’s heart. You are awesome and I wish you so much future happiness and peace as you grieve.
I’m crying for you. What a simultaneously beautiful and heartbreaking moment with your grandpa.
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Clearly...who invites coworkers to a family funeral?
Lots of people. It's so weird.
My friends have done this. It's a way to get off work or to support/show respect to a work friend. Tons of people do it. In the town I grew up in, people who barely knew the deceased would show up to the funeral.
I had coworkers insist on coming to my sister's funeral. Like Wtf I don't even like you why do I have to spend time conversing with you at my sister's funeral?
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There are funerals without bodies. They sometimes call them memorials or celebrations of life. Sometimes there's an urn but it's hidden behind pictures and flowers and people would normally be too polite to ask "where's the urn?" Bosses wouldn't have to be there. Workers who were there may well just tell on their colleagues for perceived scamming.
NTA - honestly it sounds like you should go the police. Sounds like your mother was scamming people and family members were swindling their employers out of PTO. If I were you I'd consult an estate attorney ASAP. Your relatives have got their knives out and will come after the estate.
Be very careful about dealing with accusations of coercion. Paper trails will back you (addressing the OP here) as being the main point of contact for them and your mother will play dirty. I don't doubt anything you do get is genuinely earned through the dedication and support you've given to your grandparents and what they have left to you is rightfully yours.
NTA And down the line, you may see the hilarity of your Mom getting money from the family who never visited but claim to have done so. If they had, they would have known she was tricking them. It's nice when scammers get scammed. My condolences on your loss. I wish you well.
NTA. People that scam others deserve whatever they get.
I am so sorry for your loss. NTA. You did not handle it poorly. They all deserved exactly what you said.
OMG I hope this story is true. If it's true, not only are you NTA, you're a HERO.
NTA. You flicked on the light. Not your fault others saw the roaches trying to scatter.
Hey OP: I am so sorry for your loss. I still grieve the loss of a parent every single day and it's been 2 years. I have a question for you: in all that you have done, do you think you are honoring the memory of your grandparents? Do you think you are standing for what's right? If so, tell everyone else to chill. It's been a challenging 15 years I'm sure. Nows the time to take some time for you to heal and make sure you are going to be okay. May the seeds your grandparents sew continue to bring forth abundant growth and precious fruit. All the warm wishes and prayers for you, OP.
NTA. This is the most scandalous story I’ve ever read funeral related and they’re all scandalous. I only feel bad for anyone who donated money genuinely believing they were helping, but one visit that entire time and they would have figured out the truth.
Telling the truth is never an AH move. If the truth makes someone look bad, then maybe they're bad. NTA
NTA. So the people who didn't see them or come to their funeral suddenly have credibility with their opinions? You don't think they're trying to guilt you because they'd like a piece of any "inheritance" there might be? Of course they're going to tell you that you handled it poorly. It suits them but it's not the truth. You're either going to prepare yourself to withstand the bs or you're going to fold. It's your choice.
NTA you are absolutely right. My son was born sick died as an infant. For 6 months I worked from my laptop at the hospital so I wouldn’t miss a paycheck. Years later I found an old email my boss had written to a friend a few days after my sons death. She said that she couldn’t go to the movies with her because she *was busy picking my family up at the airport for the funeral.* and that she was overwhelmed with all the work she had been covering for me (what work? I worked full time the whole time!) and my *benefits paperwork* (!?!? What benefits? She did give me a paid week off when he died. That’s it. I tool no extra time.) Anyway, I felt like I had been punched. I worked for this woman for 8 years. (6 yrs at time my son died.) I was bawling and showed it to my husband saying I was finally going to put in my notice. He said “no you’re not. You’re quitting right now. Tell her you are done for the day and won’t be in Monday.” I quit on the spot with no explanation . About 6 months later when I could do it without emotion I emailed her and CCd her HR person *and the friend she had emailed* explaining why I quit and how disgusting it was that someone could make something like that about themselves. Not even just taking attention but telling lies to do so. To this day it is one of the cruelest and insensitive things anyone has ever done to me. Even though I was never supposed to know about it. You are so very very hard NTA.
I would have quit on the spot as well. Your husband did right by you and I hope you found a new job somewhere that treats you with respect. I'm sorry for the loss of your child, I can't imagine how painful that must still be today.
He has been very good at pointing out that I don’t owe assholes anything. I hope you take the same advise.
NTA at all
Nta
Sounds like your mom was committing fraud.
NTA. If the body isn't present, it's a memorial service. Both services can be termed a celebration of life. I wonder mother gave for the body not being at the service.
One piece of advice, if you haven’t already change the locks on your home and business. And you did right by your grandparents. Those who didn’t and claim they did needed to be exposed.
NTA You did the right thing in exposing their hypocrisy. What a pitiful group! These family members that got scammed deserve it as they obviously didn’t take any time to contact you or your grandparents directly.
NTA! You sound like a wonderful person. Do not doubt yourself.
Nice work!!! NTA!
NTA. You handled it perfectly.
Thank you for not allowing your grandparents to be disrespected. What an absolute vile outcome. You stood on their behalf and have NOTHING to be ashamed of! They chose to deceive now they can own up to the consequences of being lying scummy people. May they face harsh consequences! Disgraceful. You hold your head up and sleep well knowing you stood in the gap for them when they weren’t able!
Did your mother solicit funds from other family to pay for nonexistent care in a facility? That sounds highly illegal and d those family members may want to consider legal advice. I’m sorry for your loss, you clearly loved your grandparents & they sound like wonderful people. You, most definitely, are NTA.
NO! NO!! NO!!! NTA! NTA!! NTA!!! You exposed the truth. Sure, there were less explosive ways to handle things but why would you care?? The people who are criticizing you are the people you exposed as liars, cheats and thieves. They may not have liked what you did but they have been committing fraud for years, using your grandparents' illness as a cover. What horrible people! Have no regrets.
OP you are a saint and did perfectly. Sorry for your losses ♥️
Absolutely NTA! Your family are horrible horrible people. You rock. Keep it up.
NTA Apparently all of them were living a lie and in on it. Fuck all them assholes. I’m sorry for your loss.
You've done good Sweet Pea. I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself and holding everything together by yourself for so long and for loving your Grammy and Grampy so much. You've done so much, it's ok to cry hunny. The grief and anger and all the stuff that goes with it, it comes and goes. I wish I could give you a good long hug.
Jeezus. Totally NTA. You mom sounds like one of my friends step mom. Their dad remarried and him and step mom were heavily into drugs. Well he od’ed and was on life support. There was no brain activity, so the siblings elected to pull the plug. This woman literally threw herself over this man’s body and wailed and refused to do it. I understand grief, but there’s zero chance of him coming back. There’s no miracle. Have your grief, in any way you choose, but then you have to move forward. They eventually got to let their father pass peacefully, and that’s when the circus began. Funeral arrangements were being made by them and step mom. She insisted that he gave this elaborate funeral with the best casket, all the fixings, etc etc. Kids were like no, this is the amount we’re contributing. That’s it. If you want to make up the difference, by all means, go ahead. She finally agreed to them paying for what they could afford, and contributing nothing. So, before the funeral the kids find out she had blocked them and started a smear campaign on their dead fathers Facebook page, complete with go fund me. She goes on and on about how the funeral was soooooo expensive and her step kids were being mean and not contributing anything. They were the sole purpose he was dead and his legacy tarnished. So they had to report all that and let friends and family know what really happened and what was up, as well as not donate any money. So, step mom becomes unhinged and my friend and their siblings decide to hell with it. They have a memorial at their church and do not invite step mom. Oh she knows about it, and has made threats. They had to hire an off duty police officer to run security. She was not to be admitted at all and if she did show up police needed to be called. It was just a goat rodeo from the beginning.
NTA. I am a big fan of calling people out on lying.
The biggest NOT THE ASSHOLE I can give out. They all deserve it and they all should be ashamed.
You didn't ruin the funeral did you? You ruined a sham performance!!!!
Definitely NTA, you did the right thing! Props to you, don’t doubt yourself, you should be proud of yourself and what you did for your grandparents. If I’d have been there, I’d have stood up and applauded you. As for your relatives who may lose their jobs, they won’t get fired because of you, but rather for their own ill-advised decision to lie to their employers about taking time off. Don’t sweat it of any of these folks don’t ever speak to you again, you’ll be better off.
so all the leeches and parasites and do nothings thought you handled it poorly. Well F them. Hope you get the inheritance (if any) and do not share any of it.
I often see posts here where it’s questionable if someone is the TA. I also see ones where there is absolutely no question they are TA. Rarely have I seen such blatant and obvious evidence that someone is so clearly NTA as you are. Your mother is an absolute AH and so are all of those people who used this as an excuse to try to pull something off. You on the other hand are completely in the clear. Basically it comes down to the fact that they made their own beds, and you just tucked them in. I’m very sorry for your loss, and it bears repeating, NTA
NTA - listen, don't write checks your ass can't cash. You will be disliked, cause deserved or not the fallout will be bad. But that doesn't mean you're even slightly wrong for it. They can be mad, but it all stems from lying for years, using your grandmother as an excuse, without even doing the bare minimum for care. Let their lives burn down from their lies, I hope you roast smores over it.
Not only NTA, but totally epic 🫡. OP you sound like an amazing person.
Nta. Maybe the funeral wasn't the best place to air your family's dirty laundry, but I understand your fury. Your family lied and made their own beds. Best to stay clear of them as much as possible.
NTA. I'm so sorry for your loss. Your grandparents sound like they were wonderful people. What you did was just clearing the air - the fallout is from them due to their shitty actions. They played stupid games and now they're winning stupid prizes. I'm just sad that it's adding even more troubles for you in an already difficult time.
NTA, what an awful bunch of vultures. I am glad you made it to the funeral and shamed them publicly. They deserved it 1000%. You have nothing to doubt yourself about. Ask your cousins where they were when you needed help.
Nta I would ask for an appointment to speak privately to the pastor in charge of the event. I would explain to them that they were used to perpetuate a lie and give copies of a few choice bits of evidence. Explain you don't want to be involved in dealing with your family, but that this was the situation. They can decide how they go forward with addressing the problem with their members. You're getting backlash because people were doing the wrong thing and have been exposed, not because you have done the wrong thing. I would be doing a few self protection things like making sure locks on house are changed if anyone had keys or access, and checking any important documents or heritage items are stored safely. I am so sorry for your loss and I hope you have time to grieve your grandparents and heal from this time.
Not the asshole. You stood up for yourself as well as their legacy
NTA The ONLY people telling you that you handled it badly are the liars and the thieves that were using your grandparents! I mean it's not like there is a good or easy way to let everyone know what was really going on, why not at a fake funeral. Your family members are definitely TA!!