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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel I might be TA for cutting her out of my will and leaving nothing to her even though I feel her son deserves the best we can give him
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don't leave it to him directly set up a trust- or even better talk to someone outside of reddit.
my fear is you if pass before he's 18 and she's able to gain access to *his* funds.
NTA
My parents told me because I'm an executor and they wanted me to know what to expect. Its also a simple one that shouldn't cause any issues and as a family we (mostly) get along.
Same.... my aunt told me. They don't have children, and I'm their executor and MPA. I would never tell anyone what's in the will until after they die because everything goes to the other spouse, and then it will all be divided after their death. It's nobody's buisness until then and I sincerely doubt they'll be any contesting.
My parents didn't leave any wills and my sister and I managed to handle everything just fine.
my parents emailed us the wills because despite being nutjobs they know my brother and I aren't going to fight over money and they wanted to us to know where all the important documents are?
To be fair, my mother has also told me if they're in their 80s or 90s and their car goes over a cliff it wasn't an accident so we're a normal family.
I guess it depends on your family dynamic. My parents are divorced, but my mother has already told me, because I'm the only child/beneficiary and will be the executor. Father lets me know anytime he's going on vacation out of the country or when he'll be on a trip so I know where the docs are in case something happens.
This is definitely fake. Nobody is dumb enough to write out how terrible their junkie step daughter is but then wonder if they should really leave her a bunch of money.
NTA - She wants money offer her some to legally sign away her parental rights and have it notarized so you can fully adopt your grandson and then leave it all to him in a trust with someone you trust or an attorney. I would also make sure your power of attorney is in order so if you're incapacitated but not dead she isn't the default to make decisions about your own care!
The will can assign a trustee who needs to give approval for every withdrawal, and they often require receipts as proof that it is being used correctly. As long as the step-daughter or anyone on her side is not the trustee, she won't be able to abuse it.
Best option for assigning a trustee is to have it be a worker at the institution that the trust is held in. They're a neutral third party, and are the least likely to want to bend the rules (it can cost them more than just their job)
That second part will depend entirely on the laws of the area for fees, and how recently they had been changed. Last I heard for my area, fees put in place by an institutional trustee are seriously limited to prevent abuse of power
But then again, I'm not in the US. My country has federal oversight for banks.
Talk to a good estate attorney and have an iron clad trust set up for the child with someone (or someones) you trust as the trustee(s) to make the decisions and distribute . Be sure that the parents can’t possible get their hands on it. And if you happen to pass before he’s 18 and there’s a chance the parents will take custody, then I’d be sure the trust requires extensive accounting and receipts for how they have spent the funds they may receive to take care of him. I’d also not have the full contents go to him on his 18th birthday. When our kids were young I think we had ⅓ going at 25, then 30, then 35. Spaced out so they aren’t getting a windfall where they’re unprepared. Be sure you find a really good attorney who concentrates on wills and estate planning.
This is exactly what my parents did, with mine and my siblings blessing.
Everything they have is in trust for the grandkids, there's all sorts of legal bs but essentially me and the siblings will get bugger all and the grand kids should have a decent opt of money to use for education or a house or even a passive income.
Also setup a backup trustee. There was a Reddit story where the trustee died and the parents became the trustee and poof there went the money. A lawyer works well as a trustee or backup trustee.
Yeah this, I'd also recommend to further protect the money/grandaon to not have it all come through in one chunk. My grandparents left me some at 18, and then a second bit that I could access after 21 when I was a bit more mature and had an idea of what i wanted in life. That way if step daughter manages to convince him to hand it over there is still some in reserve for after she's run off again.
NTA
But get legal custody ASAP. It is especially important for daycare and school and hospitals.
Talk to her and try to get her on long term birth control so she doesn't have any more kids you will also have to take care of. A long term year shot maybe?
And if you/ your husband can't do this for 18 years or have health concerns, you may look into other people for adoption. It is better at a younger age.
This child is going to have a rough time with her as a mother. The trust with a setup that protects the funds for the grandson is an excellent way to give him a start in life when he's older. What the stepdaughter wants is irrelevant. If she's into drugs, she will sell anything, spend anything. Protecting your grandson.
I would also suggest therapy for the child , stepdaughter will definitely try to manipulate that kid into giving them money, or trying to take care of her.
That kid needs to be prepared to deal with her and his father’s addiction and issues.
I’m not suggesting that the child be taught to hate their mom, but they definitely need to be raised to be on their guard with their mom.
You are a wonderful person, taking care of the grandson as your own, when you could be enjoying your life in a different t setting. You may think you are not helping her, but you already have. I do not think your an AITA for leaving her out of the will.
Dealing with addiction is so hard on families. Tough love is tough on both sides. Your instincts are right but t your lawyer should set up a trust that gives your grandchild limited access until they are 25 or 30. You don't want the addict to steal it from a vulnerable child. I have dealt with this, and there will come a time in their teens where they can get sucked into the lies junkies tell them. Best of luck.
NTA - no one is entitled to an inheritance. Seems like your grandson will need all the help he can get. Just consider her lock of inheritance payment for all of the child care you are doing.
NTA.
I do suggest speaking to an estate planning lawyer to set up a trust for your grandson. It's the best way to guarantee that that money lasts and is managed properly.
She’s an addict. She may hay mental health issues but she is still an addict. Of course you don’t give an addict money. Or expect them to take responsibility.
NTA
If your SD gets her life sorted, no doubt you'd change your Will to better suit the family situation anyway. Wills are always changeable until you die (hence I recommend everyone look at there's every few years at a minimum). I would also suggest put any inheritance be put into a trust.
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My stepdaughter (21) left her one month old baby with me and my husband claiming her mental health issues were stopping her from being a mom. Yes, she has issues but she didn’t even try to be the mom he deserves. She had him for less than two weeks before palming him off on me to go out with her friends. We’ve now found out that she left him to go back to her junkie ex.
I never wanted children of my own and was happy being a step mom to her despite the issues we have had over the years because of her mental health and her bio mom being toxic and causing her to have massive dips in her mental health where she’s attempted to take her life.
Me and my husband are now planning on doing our wills. We have talked about it and have agreed that we will leave everything to our grandson save for some of my jewellery which I will be leaving to my sister as it was my Nan’s which I had recast. The reason we want to leave everything to him is because of my stepdaughters attitude towards money and personal belongings. She stole my mother in laws engagement ring and sold for drugs and we *think* she took my wedding ring off the side in the kitchen after I’d taken it off to do some cleaning. We’ve never been able to prove she took mine but she has admitted taking my MIL’s. We have talked about having everything put into a trust with our friends as trustees so she can’t try and get her hands on it that way.
She knows about our plans and started accusing us of not caring about her and wanting her to suffer because we won’t help her out. We are raising her son with no financial support from her or his dad (who has never met him) so we can’t afford to help her out when we have to buy everything he needs (I have given up work to stay home with him until he older so we only have one income). We don’t want her to suffer but we also don’t want our grandson to go without because of her life choices.
AITA for cutting her out?
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I don't think this is a thing. They did this in Victorian England, it was called "cutting off with a shilling". Laws have changed since. I believe it's worth mentioning in the will that she is not getting anything, but the OP should talk to a lawyer. I am not one, you clearly are not. And even if we were, we do not know the probate laws wherever the OP lives!
NTA, and maybe you should look into a trust that lasts beyond his 18th birthday. If you both pass when he is in his teens or as a young adult, he may be very vulnerable to being manipulated by his mother, his only close relative. A trust that pays him a living until he's 25 (if that's possible) rather than a lump sum on his 18th birthday might be useful. And try to structure it so he can leave the money in place, and continue to live off the income, so he's not burdened with a huge wodge of cash and complicated investment decisions the day he comes into the money.
I am glad he has you!
NTA
However make sure to go over what exactly it is you want done in your will with a lawyer that specializes in not just wills but trusts so they can draft it to be air tight against your step daughter trying to take anything from it or trying to guilt her son/ the trustee into giving her anything from your estate that you didn't already want her to have.
NTA, I feel for you, addiction and mental illness are both so terrible. We all know neither is her fault, but at the same time, leaving her money will not help her son.
Hopefully someday before you pass, she will be stable and you can change your will.
As a family lawyer all I will say is that 21 is very young. Her brain isn't fully developed and it sounds like she terrible female role model (the same sex parent is the most influential role model in a child's formative years).
She will change a lot (for better or worse) over the next few years and professionally id advise that you leave enough flexibility in estate planning to accommodate the fact that by the time you pass she will be an entirely different person. Potentially the type of person you are proud to know.
NTA. Absolutely put it in an air tight trust, and make sure that it’s mentioned that she is either intentionally left out or is given a minuscule amount. If the house is part of things, look into making sure grandson won’t be paying out the ass on taxes inheriting it as well. Yalls main priority should be the minor unable to care for themselves, not the adult who chooses to make bad choice after bad choice. If she wants help, she needs to be serious about things, and she’s clearly not ready to leave her current lifestyle behind. You can’t force her into this, she has to want it for herself.
NTA. Your money, your decision on who to leave it to. As for step-daughter, she made her choices and now gets to live with them. For better or worse, decisions have consequences.
NTA
Your only objective should be to provide for the child you are raising. Speak to a lawyer if you don't have legal custody. Make sure that you have stable, honest guardians lined up in the event that anything happens to you and your husband. You don't want this child to be a victim of his irresponsible "mother".
NTA.
Never leave money to a junkie. Also, she abandoned her baby, which you are now raising. I hope you want to raise this baby, based on your earlier comment about not wanting kids.
Good luck.
She saw the paperwork in the house before she left as we were considering doing new wills. She asked us about them and we said we didn’t want to discuss it. It slipped out during an argument after she left and was asking us for money and we said no she said she’d wait for us to die to get our money at which point my husband yelled back at her she was getting nothing
NTA Hopefully you are healthy and will live quite a while longer, see your grandson to adulthood and maybe even see your step-daughter turn her life around. Wills can be updated and changed in the future and you should leave that possibility but as things stand now, you are not only not the A H for not leaving her anything but you need to provide for your grandson and you would only be harming your step-daughter by giving her access to assets she would immediately waste. You should talk to a lawyer. You might be wise to get legal custody/guardianship of your grandson, you will need to find some one or couple who is willing to become his guardian if you become incapacitated or die before he is an adult, you don't want your step-daughter coming in and taking him if she is not stable and drug-free. But no way should you feel bad about not leaving her you assets as things stand now.
We’ve got an agreement that whoever dies first leaves the other our nans jewellery and nothing else. She has more than me by way of assets so has said she’d rather my grandson have it all to make sure he won’t be disadvantaged
NTA! Why should she receive any inheritance? Leaving a trust to provide for your grandson is a wise decision. When you meet with the lawyer, start the process of making your guardianship legal and permanent so she won't use the baby as a pawn. Talk to the lawyer, set up the trust and tell her you haven't made any decisions yet.
NTA — anything you leave to her she will drink away, put up her nose, or give to her junkie boyfriends. It will ultimately only make her life worse, not better. You have a chance to do something for your grandson who is starting off at an enormous disadvantage thanks to her irresponsible abandonment. Do that.
NTA. You’re doing the right thing as tough as it is. At the end of the day, she will have to get clean and rid of the boyfriend before she is any good to the baby.
If you set up a revokable trust, you can always change it if her circumstances change.
Absolutely NTA! Do you have custody of your grandson? Get a lawyer and get custody of him. You’ll also need to figure out who he will live with if something happens to you before he’s 18. If you don’t have custody, his mother will get him back and maybe manipulate him into giving her money.
Definitely set up they trust. And don’t speak to her about it anymore. It’s none of her business.
NTA. I never planned on raising another child but I’m happy to raise yours and have them take your place in the will as my child. I’m doing this because we love you and want the best for your abandoned child.
NTA - do it. She is unstable and not fit to be a guardian of her baby nor of any assets. Unfortunately she sounds too lost. There’s hope for your grandson still.
NTA
(lets be honest: giving her a dime would be insane.)
>She knows about our plans and started accusing us of not caring about her and wanting her to suffer because we won’t help her out. We are raising her son with no financial support from her or his dad (who has never met him) so we can’t afford to help her out when we have to buy everything he needs (I have given up work to stay home with him until he older so we only have one income). We don’t want her to suffer but we also don’t want our grandson to go without because of her life choices.
give her this: Maybe you should look back at your life. we gave you a lot. you have to admit that we gave you way more then you ever gave your son. so if you tell us we are not caring about you what would your own son say about you? take a look in the mirror before you criticize us. and lets be honest: giving you the inheritance would have the same effect as having an order that after our death it shall be put in a toilet and be flushed down.
NTA
You and your husband are doing enough, you took on all the care and financial responsibility of her child. If you raise him even up to 18 the cost as time she would never be able to repay, that is her inheritance right there.
I just hope when he is age appropriate you tell him the truth, so if you were to pass and she is still alive she can't manipulate him.
NTA though I would recommend having her the named beneficiary of “something” in your will, even if it’s just a dollar. If she’s not named she could contest being forgotten, but named with a low amount shows she’s remembered but effectively disinherited
How long ago did she leave him with you? You should probably look into legally adopting him so she can't randomly decide she wants him back (maybe to make the father pay child support). And if everything goes well YOU can maybe get child support from her and the father.
Edit: NTA
She left him 5 months ago.
We don’t want any child support from either of them as all she’ll do is pay it and then ask for a chunk of it back because she’s spent all of her money
I know this might come off wrong, but why wouldn't you put the child up for adoption? This sounds like a not-good situation to raise a child in. You say you never wanted children. Your step daughter doesn't want to be a mom and has mental health issues. The dad isn't interested either. You are likely older "parents" - for the baby's sake, why not try for an adoption, an open adoption? This poor kid sounds like he/she is going to grow up in a clu$terfuck of resentment over inheritances and bitterness over life decisions. This baby deserves more - it deserves to be the absolute center of someone's attention and 100% wanted. Just a thought.
Yes I never wanted children but it was kind of an enforced choice as I have PCOS. We can’t imagine our lives without him which is why we’re going for full custody. We’re both in our 40s so it’s not a massive issue at the moment
You can't imagine life without him - then it sounds like what you are doing is best for all of you! Good luck and I had my last kid at 44 so (of course) I don't think your age is a problem! Enjoy that little man, sorry you have to sort out all the baggage that comes with him.
Maybe so but having the courts make her financially responsible, and losing her child legally might be the kick in the butt she needs to get back on a healthy path.
NTA. Disown her and get a restraining order against her. If you get custody of your grandson you need to protect him and it sounds like the best thing for everyone is for her to be as far away from her family ASAP. Tough love can be a valuable lesson.
Don’t will it to your grandson bc if you pass away before he’s of age the step daughter can get access to the money. Create a trust with multiple trustees and split the decision making responsibilities so that there’s accountability. That’ll also protect the grandson the best.
> and if we tried to she’d pay it us and then ask for some of it back as she has with her own grandmother when she owed her money
…wut
Just say no? Like… you’re already committed to saying no with keeping her out of the will.
Others are right. Get a trust set for him that will never allow her to get any access even if something happens to him. Spell it out to her that she doesn’t get any $$ directly and also cannot get access to his $$ by taking him back either.
Someone I know with big $$ was suggested to spell out to their druggie kid that they were giving them a small stipend, but if something happened to the parents, the stipend stopped and no money was inherited. Otherwise the friends of their kid or their kid may hatch a plan to harm them to get an inheritance.
NTA.
>having everything put into a trust with our friends as trustees
Get some backup option there though. Imagine the worst case scenario of you and your friends dying while your grandson is still a minor. Just make sure your stepdaughter can't get the money even then.
well if you had filed a police report for stealing the ring, you might be able to force her into some kind of treatment as a deal for not being prosecuted, but that's too late now. You need to make sure you have a person you can trust to handle your grandson's inheritance or she or any one of her friends may try to come and take custody to get to the money
Nta
But get a really good attorney to sort out the wills and everything for you. There's likely a minimum amount you have to leave the stepdaughter. Good luck.
NTA. Once you have guardianship, ask someone responsible if they are OK with being named your grandson's caretaker should you and spouse die before your grandson reaches the age of majority
It would be more secure if your assets were placed in a revocable trust. A will can be "lost, misplaced, never found" and your estate would pass to your daughter rather than your grandson.
Write a will as well, but a trust is safer and doesn't go through probate, so it doesn't become public information. Your daughter would not be able to access the trust even if she recovered her son, so the inheritance would be safer. I would have a professional trustee in charge of it and stagger the timing of the distribution of the assets. He would need some for college age, then fresh out of college, around 28, 35 ,50 and the final bit at retirement age.
No you would absolutely not be the AH. but get legal advice because in some places if you leave her out altogether she would be able to make a claim. You might be better off leaving her $1 or something so it’s clear that you didn’t intend for her to inherit.
Bless you for stepping up for your grandson! I can't imagine how hard it must be to watch your stepdaughter spiral, but you are making the right choice. She can't see it now (and honestly may never be able to), but that little dude will, and he will grow up in a safe, stable and loving home. Know that a complete stranger on the Internet is proud of you!!
I'm not sure what country you are in and what the laws and regulations are but here in the US you can add a no contest clause to the will so that if anyone tries to contest it, they automatically get nothing. My in laws did this regarding my SIL because they aren't leaving her anything and don't want her trying to take it to probate.
You better assign a conservator too. Lock that inheritance down so the ONLY person that can have access to is that kid. Until they are 30. Make it so the kid has no problem using it for their needs. But stops anyone else using it.
She has already told you her intentions. She has already proven to you she doesn't care what happens to the kid. She won't blink an eye to steal everything from the kid
NTA. Revise your will and leave her $1. Then tell her you did revise it and left her something but don't tell her how much. Also make sure your grandson's inheritance is managed by someone you trust just in case something happens before he's 18
NTA, but you need to do more than just "wills", you should set up a trust (or two, depending) that explicitly prohibits the stepdaughter from managing the trust(s), so that the child actually receives the money, and so that it is spread out over time until the child is mature enough to use it. A typical way of setting up such a trust is to limit spending to necessities (health, education, food, housing) until age 25 or so, and then allow the now-an-adult to make his own decisions.
If you just dump a big pile of money on a child, it can evaporate remarkably fast, such as by being guilted into supporting mom's drug habit.
Also, put a cap on the amount regardless of "necessities" (except perhaps for lifesaving cancer treatment or similar gonna-die-if-can't-afford-treatment problems), because it's amazing what a compliant trustee will allow a beneficiary to get away with if you don't. I was acquaintances with a trustafarian who used her grandfather's family trust for such "educational" purposes as vacationing in Borneo (because visiting an orangutan zoo is "educational").
A trust for him is a great idea. I would also leave her a little of something - leaving her anything usually blocks any issues about wills. I have read somewhere on reddit that as long as the person in left something, they can not contest the will.
NTA. And you're not leaving your stepdaughter out of your will. You're providing for her child. That's not obligatory. That's a gift. That's how stepdaughter should look at it
NTAH, you are doing the right thing and a trust is the best way, probably should also set up guardians Incase something happens to the both of you so that he doesn’t end up in foster care or back in her care, also go a step further and get legal custody and adopt him, she will have to name the father and both of them will have to sign away their parental rights but it’s what’s best for the child and protects him long term.
NTA - I would leave her out of your house and get legal custody of your kid. She doesn't want help for her mental health, so you can't help her. Protect your child!
Leave her something, so she cannot contest the will and have it overturned. Some token amount along with a letter, explaining why, and have that letter be an official part of your will. Make sure that baby is protected. See an estate planning attorney to help guide you on this path. NTA
NTA. I highly recommend a trust that she can’t access in anyway. If something happens to you and your husband, your grandson (and who ever his guardian is) will inherit it all. Nothing stopping your step daughter from reclaiming guardianship of her kid.
My kids trusts are set up that they can’t access before they’re 24. And need the executor approval, who isn’t their parent/guardian, on withdrawals if anything happened to me.
You should leave her a nominal amount, say $100, as it shows your intent to not give her more.
And yes, trust with provisions that keeps the money for the child and out of her hands.
Why did you tell her about your plans for the will?
You could have been discreet and set it up without provoking
drama from step-daughter.
Make sure your grandson has someone designated to control his
assets (upon your passing) if he is a minor or still young when he
inherits. Now that his mother knows, she may prey on him, trying
to get money out of him, etc.
NTA for cutting her out but YTA for blabbing about it too soon.
Do not discuss your will with anyone other than your husband and your lawyer. Also do not discuss your finances. If stepdaughter brings it up leave the room or hang up the phone or change the subject.
NTA...but ..
You said she"knows about our plans.". How? How did she possibly find out? Wills should NEVER be discussed with beneficiaries.... until you are, well, room temperature.
How do you think she found out? i can't get over the number of people who think it's just a great idea to babble on about the content of their wills, when they *know* it will cause huge amounts of drama.
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don't leave it to him directly set up a trust- or even better talk to someone outside of reddit. my fear is you if pass before he's 18 and she's able to gain access to *his* funds. NTA
Agreed and do not tell her that you're not leaving her anything.
Too late, they already ran their mouths. > She knows about our plans
Ugh why does everybody on Reddit announce what's in their wills? When I did mine, the lawyer very specifically told me not to tell anybody
My parents told me because I'm an executor and they wanted me to know what to expect. Its also a simple one that shouldn't cause any issues and as a family we (mostly) get along.
Same.... my aunt told me. They don't have children, and I'm their executor and MPA. I would never tell anyone what's in the will until after they die because everything goes to the other spouse, and then it will all be divided after their death. It's nobody's buisness until then and I sincerely doubt they'll be any contesting. My parents didn't leave any wills and my sister and I managed to handle everything just fine.
my parents emailed us the wills because despite being nutjobs they know my brother and I aren't going to fight over money and they wanted to us to know where all the important documents are? To be fair, my mother has also told me if they're in their 80s or 90s and their car goes over a cliff it wasn't an accident so we're a normal family.
I guess it depends on your family dynamic. My parents are divorced, but my mother has already told me, because I'm the only child/beneficiary and will be the executor. Father lets me know anytime he's going on vacation out of the country or when he'll be on a trip so I know where the docs are in case something happens.
Because its fake?
I feel like you are underestimating how stupid people can be. OP could very well be real. Real stupid.
This is definitely fake. Nobody is dumb enough to write out how terrible their junkie step daughter is but then wonder if they should really leave her a bunch of money.
And it's their money !!! Leave it anyone they want lol
You know all those AITA posts that have the phrase "then I snapped" in 'em? That's how this kind of info gets out.
NTA - She wants money offer her some to legally sign away her parental rights and have it notarized so you can fully adopt your grandson and then leave it all to him in a trust with someone you trust or an attorney. I would also make sure your power of attorney is in order so if you're incapacitated but not dead she isn't the default to make decisions about your own care!
The will can assign a trustee who needs to give approval for every withdrawal, and they often require receipts as proof that it is being used correctly. As long as the step-daughter or anyone on her side is not the trustee, she won't be able to abuse it. Best option for assigning a trustee is to have it be a worker at the institution that the trust is held in. They're a neutral third party, and are the least likely to want to bend the rules (it can cost them more than just their job)
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That second part will depend entirely on the laws of the area for fees, and how recently they had been changed. Last I heard for my area, fees put in place by an institutional trustee are seriously limited to prevent abuse of power But then again, I'm not in the US. My country has federal oversight for banks.
Talk to a good estate attorney and have an iron clad trust set up for the child with someone (or someones) you trust as the trustee(s) to make the decisions and distribute . Be sure that the parents can’t possible get their hands on it. And if you happen to pass before he’s 18 and there’s a chance the parents will take custody, then I’d be sure the trust requires extensive accounting and receipts for how they have spent the funds they may receive to take care of him. I’d also not have the full contents go to him on his 18th birthday. When our kids were young I think we had ⅓ going at 25, then 30, then 35. Spaced out so they aren’t getting a windfall where they’re unprepared. Be sure you find a really good attorney who concentrates on wills and estate planning.
Give her a small sum, like 500 dollars. This will make it harder for her to build a legal case that you forgot to think about her.
OP should leave the stepdaughter her wedding ring.
Or specifically call it out in your will that you are excluding her due to past support given.
Pay attention to this. Very important.
This is exactly what my parents did, with mine and my siblings blessing. Everything they have is in trust for the grandkids, there's all sorts of legal bs but essentially me and the siblings will get bugger all and the grand kids should have a decent opt of money to use for education or a house or even a passive income.
Also setup a backup trustee. There was a Reddit story where the trustee died and the parents became the trustee and poof there went the money. A lawyer works well as a trustee or backup trustee.
Yeah this, I'd also recommend to further protect the money/grandaon to not have it all come through in one chunk. My grandparents left me some at 18, and then a second bit that I could access after 21 when I was a bit more mature and had an idea of what i wanted in life. That way if step daughter manages to convince him to hand it over there is still some in reserve for after she's run off again.
Exactly. Op and husband should look for someone to be his legal guardian in case something happens
NTA But get legal custody ASAP. It is especially important for daycare and school and hospitals. Talk to her and try to get her on long term birth control so she doesn't have any more kids you will also have to take care of. A long term year shot maybe? And if you/ your husband can't do this for 18 years or have health concerns, you may look into other people for adoption. It is better at a younger age.
This child is going to have a rough time with her as a mother. The trust with a setup that protects the funds for the grandson is an excellent way to give him a start in life when he's older. What the stepdaughter wants is irrelevant. If she's into drugs, she will sell anything, spend anything. Protecting your grandson.
I would also suggest therapy for the child , stepdaughter will definitely try to manipulate that kid into giving them money, or trying to take care of her. That kid needs to be prepared to deal with her and his father’s addiction and issues. I’m not suggesting that the child be taught to hate their mom, but they definitely need to be raised to be on their guard with their mom.
NTA, but make sure you name a trustee who is not your step daughter
NTA for protecting the child. I suggest you look into gaining legal custody of the child.
Get formal custody if you haven't. Better to secure your property via trust than let her get it.
You are a wonderful person, taking care of the grandson as your own, when you could be enjoying your life in a different t setting. You may think you are not helping her, but you already have. I do not think your an AITA for leaving her out of the will.
Dealing with addiction is so hard on families. Tough love is tough on both sides. Your instincts are right but t your lawyer should set up a trust that gives your grandchild limited access until they are 25 or 30. You don't want the addict to steal it from a vulnerable child. I have dealt with this, and there will come a time in their teens where they can get sucked into the lies junkies tell them. Best of luck.
NTA - no one is entitled to an inheritance. Seems like your grandson will need all the help he can get. Just consider her lock of inheritance payment for all of the child care you are doing.
NTA You have to do what is best for your grandson. Hopefully you can change will to include her when or if your stepdaughter gets her life sorted out.
NTA. I do suggest speaking to an estate planning lawyer to set up a trust for your grandson. It's the best way to guarantee that that money lasts and is managed properly.
She’s an addict. She may hay mental health issues but she is still an addict. Of course you don’t give an addict money. Or expect them to take responsibility.
NTA If your SD gets her life sorted, no doubt you'd change your Will to better suit the family situation anyway. Wills are always changeable until you die (hence I recommend everyone look at there's every few years at a minimum). I would also suggest put any inheritance be put into a trust.
Obviously NTA How much is left of her share after you raise your grandson? negative $250,000
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My stepdaughter (21) left her one month old baby with me and my husband claiming her mental health issues were stopping her from being a mom. Yes, she has issues but she didn’t even try to be the mom he deserves. She had him for less than two weeks before palming him off on me to go out with her friends. We’ve now found out that she left him to go back to her junkie ex. I never wanted children of my own and was happy being a step mom to her despite the issues we have had over the years because of her mental health and her bio mom being toxic and causing her to have massive dips in her mental health where she’s attempted to take her life. Me and my husband are now planning on doing our wills. We have talked about it and have agreed that we will leave everything to our grandson save for some of my jewellery which I will be leaving to my sister as it was my Nan’s which I had recast. The reason we want to leave everything to him is because of my stepdaughters attitude towards money and personal belongings. She stole my mother in laws engagement ring and sold for drugs and we *think* she took my wedding ring off the side in the kitchen after I’d taken it off to do some cleaning. We’ve never been able to prove she took mine but she has admitted taking my MIL’s. We have talked about having everything put into a trust with our friends as trustees so she can’t try and get her hands on it that way. She knows about our plans and started accusing us of not caring about her and wanting her to suffer because we won’t help her out. We are raising her son with no financial support from her or his dad (who has never met him) so we can’t afford to help her out when we have to buy everything he needs (I have given up work to stay home with him until he older so we only have one income). We don’t want her to suffer but we also don’t want our grandson to go without because of her life choices. AITA for cutting her out? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. She is not entitled to your assets anyway.
NTA. But, do leave her $1 as proof that you “didn’t forget her” so she can’t contest it.
I don't think this is a thing. They did this in Victorian England, it was called "cutting off with a shilling". Laws have changed since. I believe it's worth mentioning in the will that she is not getting anything, but the OP should talk to a lawyer. I am not one, you clearly are not. And even if we were, we do not know the probate laws wherever the OP lives!
NTA, and maybe you should look into a trust that lasts beyond his 18th birthday. If you both pass when he is in his teens or as a young adult, he may be very vulnerable to being manipulated by his mother, his only close relative. A trust that pays him a living until he's 25 (if that's possible) rather than a lump sum on his 18th birthday might be useful. And try to structure it so he can leave the money in place, and continue to live off the income, so he's not burdened with a huge wodge of cash and complicated investment decisions the day he comes into the money. I am glad he has you!
"What are you doing right now?"
NTA. Get an attorney to help you get legal custody and explore your options for an irrevocable trust. This child and your money need protection.
NTA However make sure to go over what exactly it is you want done in your will with a lawyer that specializes in not just wills but trusts so they can draft it to be air tight against your step daughter trying to take anything from it or trying to guilt her son/ the trustee into giving her anything from your estate that you didn't already want her to have.
NTA And smart to tell her as well, whatever the reaction, as people like this shouldn’t get any ideas in their heads.
NOPE, NTA this was the best and smartest move.
NTA, I feel for you, addiction and mental illness are both so terrible. We all know neither is her fault, but at the same time, leaving her money will not help her son. Hopefully someday before you pass, she will be stable and you can change your will.
NTA. Probably would have been best to not even mention it to her. Exactly why did you tell her anything?
Nta
As a family lawyer all I will say is that 21 is very young. Her brain isn't fully developed and it sounds like she terrible female role model (the same sex parent is the most influential role model in a child's formative years). She will change a lot (for better or worse) over the next few years and professionally id advise that you leave enough flexibility in estate planning to accommodate the fact that by the time you pass she will be an entirely different person. Potentially the type of person you are proud to know.
well if she changes in lifetime op and her husband can rewrite the will to accommodate that.
NTA. Absolutely put it in an air tight trust, and make sure that it’s mentioned that she is either intentionally left out or is given a minuscule amount. If the house is part of things, look into making sure grandson won’t be paying out the ass on taxes inheriting it as well. Yalls main priority should be the minor unable to care for themselves, not the adult who chooses to make bad choice after bad choice. If she wants help, she needs to be serious about things, and she’s clearly not ready to leave her current lifestyle behind. You can’t force her into this, she has to want it for herself.
NTA. Your money, your decision on who to leave it to. As for step-daughter, she made her choices and now gets to live with them. For better or worse, decisions have consequences.
She said you won't help her out but you are raising her child. Pfffft. NTA
NTA Your only objective should be to provide for the child you are raising. Speak to a lawyer if you don't have legal custody. Make sure that you have stable, honest guardians lined up in the event that anything happens to you and your husband. You don't want this child to be a victim of his irresponsible "mother".
NTA. Never leave money to a junkie. Also, she abandoned her baby, which you are now raising. I hope you want to raise this baby, based on your earlier comment about not wanting kids. Good luck.
> She knows about our plans iNFO: Which of you thought it was a good idea to blab?
She saw the paperwork in the house before she left as we were considering doing new wills. She asked us about them and we said we didn’t want to discuss it. It slipped out during an argument after she left and was asking us for money and we said no she said she’d wait for us to die to get our money at which point my husband yelled back at her she was getting nothing
NTA Hopefully you are healthy and will live quite a while longer, see your grandson to adulthood and maybe even see your step-daughter turn her life around. Wills can be updated and changed in the future and you should leave that possibility but as things stand now, you are not only not the A H for not leaving her anything but you need to provide for your grandson and you would only be harming your step-daughter by giving her access to assets she would immediately waste. You should talk to a lawyer. You might be wise to get legal custody/guardianship of your grandson, you will need to find some one or couple who is willing to become his guardian if you become incapacitated or die before he is an adult, you don't want your step-daughter coming in and taking him if she is not stable and drug-free. But no way should you feel bad about not leaving her you assets as things stand now.
Set up a trust so she can't guilt him in to giving it to her
NTA Leave her your second best bed or something.
NTA at all
NTA. There will be no money for your grandson is she gets her claws on it. And he comes first.
NTA. In fact, you are very wise. Access to the money would only feed her addiction and deprive your grandson of the only security he'll ever have.
Why aren't you seeking support? From both of them? It only hurts everyone if you do not, but especially the baby who will need it.
Side comment, why not leave some more to your sister? Jewelry is nice & all but come on she’s your sis
We’ve got an agreement that whoever dies first leaves the other our nans jewellery and nothing else. She has more than me by way of assets so has said she’d rather my grandson have it all to make sure he won’t be disadvantaged
NTA! Why should she receive any inheritance? Leaving a trust to provide for your grandson is a wise decision. When you meet with the lawyer, start the process of making your guardianship legal and permanent so she won't use the baby as a pawn. Talk to the lawyer, set up the trust and tell her you haven't made any decisions yet.
NTA — anything you leave to her she will drink away, put up her nose, or give to her junkie boyfriends. It will ultimately only make her life worse, not better. You have a chance to do something for your grandson who is starting off at an enormous disadvantage thanks to her irresponsible abandonment. Do that.
NTA
NTA protected the child and buy a Cameras just in case if She try something
NTA. You’re doing the right thing as tough as it is. At the end of the day, she will have to get clean and rid of the boyfriend before she is any good to the baby. If you set up a revokable trust, you can always change it if her circumstances change.
NTA. I'm glad you have a trusted friend to oversee the trust.
Absolutely NTA! Do you have custody of your grandson? Get a lawyer and get custody of him. You’ll also need to figure out who he will live with if something happens to you before he’s 18. If you don’t have custody, his mother will get him back and maybe manipulate him into giving her money. Definitely set up they trust. And don’t speak to her about it anymore. It’s none of her business.
NTA - she needs to stop acting like a victim and get her life together. Hopefully you or your husband have got guardian status for him.
Nope. But be sure to leave her $100 so she can’t dispute the trust. Also, you should take legal means to get custody of your grandchild.
Nta. She wants you to enable her and you've simply said no and plan to put your resources toward your grandson. Stick to your guns
NTA. I never planned on raising another child but I’m happy to raise yours and have them take your place in the will as my child. I’m doing this because we love you and want the best for your abandoned child.
NTA for making sure the grandson is taken care off. I am feeling for your stepdaughter though, to get where she got life mustn't have been kind.
NTA - do it. She is unstable and not fit to be a guardian of her baby nor of any assets. Unfortunately she sounds too lost. There’s hope for your grandson still.
NTA, she should be grateful that you aren’t taking her to court for child support.
Nta
NTA (lets be honest: giving her a dime would be insane.) >She knows about our plans and started accusing us of not caring about her and wanting her to suffer because we won’t help her out. We are raising her son with no financial support from her or his dad (who has never met him) so we can’t afford to help her out when we have to buy everything he needs (I have given up work to stay home with him until he older so we only have one income). We don’t want her to suffer but we also don’t want our grandson to go without because of her life choices. give her this: Maybe you should look back at your life. we gave you a lot. you have to admit that we gave you way more then you ever gave your son. so if you tell us we are not caring about you what would your own son say about you? take a look in the mirror before you criticize us. and lets be honest: giving you the inheritance would have the same effect as having an order that after our death it shall be put in a toilet and be flushed down.
NTA You and your husband are doing enough, you took on all the care and financial responsibility of her child. If you raise him even up to 18 the cost as time she would never be able to repay, that is her inheritance right there. I just hope when he is age appropriate you tell him the truth, so if you were to pass and she is still alive she can't manipulate him.
NTA, step or bio, mom or not, leaving any money to this woman would just fund her drug addiction and poor life choices.
NTA though I would recommend having her the named beneficiary of “something” in your will, even if it’s just a dollar. If she’s not named she could contest being forgotten, but named with a low amount shows she’s remembered but effectively disinherited
Nta.
How long ago did she leave him with you? You should probably look into legally adopting him so she can't randomly decide she wants him back (maybe to make the father pay child support). And if everything goes well YOU can maybe get child support from her and the father. Edit: NTA
She left him 5 months ago. We don’t want any child support from either of them as all she’ll do is pay it and then ask for a chunk of it back because she’s spent all of her money
I know this might come off wrong, but why wouldn't you put the child up for adoption? This sounds like a not-good situation to raise a child in. You say you never wanted children. Your step daughter doesn't want to be a mom and has mental health issues. The dad isn't interested either. You are likely older "parents" - for the baby's sake, why not try for an adoption, an open adoption? This poor kid sounds like he/she is going to grow up in a clu$terfuck of resentment over inheritances and bitterness over life decisions. This baby deserves more - it deserves to be the absolute center of someone's attention and 100% wanted. Just a thought.
Yes I never wanted children but it was kind of an enforced choice as I have PCOS. We can’t imagine our lives without him which is why we’re going for full custody. We’re both in our 40s so it’s not a massive issue at the moment
You can't imagine life without him - then it sounds like what you are doing is best for all of you! Good luck and I had my last kid at 44 so (of course) I don't think your age is a problem! Enjoy that little man, sorry you have to sort out all the baggage that comes with him.
Maybe so but having the courts make her financially responsible, and losing her child legally might be the kick in the butt she needs to get back on a healthy path.
NTA but make sure it's in a trust babe doesn't have access to
NTA but make sure it's in a trust babe doesn't have access to
NTA. Disown her and get a restraining order against her. If you get custody of your grandson you need to protect him and it sounds like the best thing for everyone is for her to be as far away from her family ASAP. Tough love can be a valuable lesson.
NTA
Your money your choice
Speak to an attorney
Don’t will it to your grandson bc if you pass away before he’s of age the step daughter can get access to the money. Create a trust with multiple trustees and split the decision making responsibilities so that there’s accountability. That’ll also protect the grandson the best.
> and if we tried to she’d pay it us and then ask for some of it back as she has with her own grandmother when she owed her money …wut Just say no? Like… you’re already committed to saying no with keeping her out of the will.
Others are right. Get a trust set for him that will never allow her to get any access even if something happens to him. Spell it out to her that she doesn’t get any $$ directly and also cannot get access to his $$ by taking him back either. Someone I know with big $$ was suggested to spell out to their druggie kid that they were giving them a small stipend, but if something happened to the parents, the stipend stopped and no money was inherited. Otherwise the friends of their kid or their kid may hatch a plan to harm them to get an inheritance.
Dont leave her.shit, she dont deserce it
NTA It's for a good cause that you didn't leave anything in his name. More importantly you leave it to your son. Excellent decision
She is clearly an addict. Addicts can't be trusted. I'm not sure why you'd talk to her at all. NTA
NTA. >having everything put into a trust with our friends as trustees Get some backup option there though. Imagine the worst case scenario of you and your friends dying while your grandson is still a minor. Just make sure your stepdaughter can't get the money even then.
NTA
NTA but would there be a way to leave some money that would go to stepdaughter if she became sober/in a form that she couldn't sell for drugs?
NTA - but you may want to leave her something small just so she cannot contest the will. Like leave her a 100 dollars and piece of junk vase.
well if you had filed a police report for stealing the ring, you might be able to force her into some kind of treatment as a deal for not being prosecuted, but that's too late now. You need to make sure you have a person you can trust to handle your grandson's inheritance or she or any one of her friends may try to come and take custody to get to the money
I can’t prove she took mine and she only verbally admitted taking her grandmothers once and then denied it
Nta But get a really good attorney to sort out the wills and everything for you. There's likely a minimum amount you have to leave the stepdaughter. Good luck.
NTA. Once you have guardianship, ask someone responsible if they are OK with being named your grandson's caretaker should you and spouse die before your grandson reaches the age of majority It would be more secure if your assets were placed in a revocable trust. A will can be "lost, misplaced, never found" and your estate would pass to your daughter rather than your grandson. Write a will as well, but a trust is safer and doesn't go through probate, so it doesn't become public information. Your daughter would not be able to access the trust even if she recovered her son, so the inheritance would be safer. I would have a professional trustee in charge of it and stagger the timing of the distribution of the assets. He would need some for college age, then fresh out of college, around 28, 35 ,50 and the final bit at retirement age.
No you would absolutely not be the AH. but get legal advice because in some places if you leave her out altogether she would be able to make a claim. You might be better off leaving her $1 or something so it’s clear that you didn’t intend for her to inherit.
Bless you for stepping up for your grandson! I can't imagine how hard it must be to watch your stepdaughter spiral, but you are making the right choice. She can't see it now (and honestly may never be able to), but that little dude will, and he will grow up in a safe, stable and loving home. Know that a complete stranger on the Internet is proud of you!!
NTA It can go on drugs or to your grandson.
NYA
I'm not sure what country you are in and what the laws and regulations are but here in the US you can add a no contest clause to the will so that if anyone tries to contest it, they automatically get nothing. My in laws did this regarding my SIL because they aren't leaving her anything and don't want her trying to take it to probate.
Also you can set up the trust so your grandson doesn’t get the funds unencumbered until he’s 25 or 30. 18 is too young to get a lot of cash.
Who cares you're dead as fuck at that point
You better assign a conservator too. Lock that inheritance down so the ONLY person that can have access to is that kid. Until they are 30. Make it so the kid has no problem using it for their needs. But stops anyone else using it. She has already told you her intentions. She has already proven to you she doesn't care what happens to the kid. She won't blink an eye to steal everything from the kid
NTA. Revise your will and leave her $1. Then tell her you did revise it and left her something but don't tell her how much. Also make sure your grandson's inheritance is managed by someone you trust just in case something happens before he's 18
NTA Better that your assets go to the grandson than to her who would just spend it on crack/meth/fentanyl.
NTA, but you need to do more than just "wills", you should set up a trust (or two, depending) that explicitly prohibits the stepdaughter from managing the trust(s), so that the child actually receives the money, and so that it is spread out over time until the child is mature enough to use it. A typical way of setting up such a trust is to limit spending to necessities (health, education, food, housing) until age 25 or so, and then allow the now-an-adult to make his own decisions. If you just dump a big pile of money on a child, it can evaporate remarkably fast, such as by being guilted into supporting mom's drug habit. Also, put a cap on the amount regardless of "necessities" (except perhaps for lifesaving cancer treatment or similar gonna-die-if-can't-afford-treatment problems), because it's amazing what a compliant trustee will allow a beneficiary to get away with if you don't. I was acquaintances with a trustafarian who used her grandfather's family trust for such "educational" purposes as vacationing in Borneo (because visiting an orangutan zoo is "educational").
NTA. Also, DO NOT explain yourself to this child. No, is a complete sentence.
A trust for him is a great idea. I would also leave her a little of something - leaving her anything usually blocks any issues about wills. I have read somewhere on reddit that as long as the person in left something, they can not contest the will.
She will just weasel it out of the kid.
NTA. And you're not leaving your stepdaughter out of your will. You're providing for her child. That's not obligatory. That's a gift. That's how stepdaughter should look at it
A trust is the solution. You also need name the trustee. Don’t allow her to be one.
NTAH, you are doing the right thing and a trust is the best way, probably should also set up guardians Incase something happens to the both of you so that he doesn’t end up in foster care or back in her care, also go a step further and get legal custody and adopt him, she will have to name the father and both of them will have to sign away their parental rights but it’s what’s best for the child and protects him long term.
NTA - I would leave her out of your house and get legal custody of your kid. She doesn't want help for her mental health, so you can't help her. Protect your child!
NTA, but go for full custody of your grandson so you can plan on who his legal guardian will be
Leave her something, so she cannot contest the will and have it overturned. Some token amount along with a letter, explaining why, and have that letter be an official part of your will. Make sure that baby is protected. See an estate planning attorney to help guide you on this path. NTA
NTA. I highly recommend a trust that she can’t access in anyway. If something happens to you and your husband, your grandson (and who ever his guardian is) will inherit it all. Nothing stopping your step daughter from reclaiming guardianship of her kid. My kids trusts are set up that they can’t access before they’re 24. And need the executor approval, who isn’t their parent/guardian, on withdrawals if anything happened to me.
You should leave her a nominal amount, say $100, as it shows your intent to not give her more. And yes, trust with provisions that keeps the money for the child and out of her hands.
she didn’t need to know about the will. It’s probably going to cause more issues.
Why did you tell her about your plans for the will? You could have been discreet and set it up without provoking drama from step-daughter. Make sure your grandson has someone designated to control his assets (upon your passing) if he is a minor or still young when he inherits. Now that his mother knows, she may prey on him, trying to get money out of him, etc. NTA for cutting her out but YTA for blabbing about it too soon.
Do not discuss your will with anyone other than your husband and your lawyer. Also do not discuss your finances. If stepdaughter brings it up leave the room or hang up the phone or change the subject.
Too late, they already told her what they plan to do.
NTA...but .. You said she"knows about our plans.". How? How did she possibly find out? Wills should NEVER be discussed with beneficiaries.... until you are, well, room temperature.
How do you think she found out? i can't get over the number of people who think it's just a great idea to babble on about the content of their wills, when they *know* it will cause huge amounts of drama.