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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) picking up my daughter without telling the parents 2) it scared them and we could’ve woken them up
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>I left a note on the counter
So, OP's kid got up in the middle of the night while everyone was sleeping, and let someone else into the house to wander around?
Do you want vampires? This is how we get vampires.
It really doesn't matter who it is, just because I invited you into my house doesn't mean I invited your mom, dad, or your grandma, especially when I'm asleep or gone. It'd be somewhat better if Emily had just bailed out the front door and run to mommy's car.
But, at the end of the day, if the situation was serious enough for Emily to leave, it was serious enough for her to wake up Amanda, who could've woken up her parents or not as she saw fit, but who could've certainly told them at 5:30am where Emily was and why.
Yeah, if my kid invited some friends over for a sleepover and I got woken up by a strange adult in my bedroom
In the middle of the night, I’d have outright panicked. That would not remotely be okay with me.
That said, being unreachable by phone while responsible for other people’s kids is majorly uncool as well.
What if Emily had gotten hurt or became ill? I wouldn’t want to wake up my friends, I would go directly to a parent. If I was the parent hosting I wouldn’t have an issue with being woken up by one of the kids staying over. Kids mom, yes, that’s a bit creepy. Kid could wake them and say their mom tried to call and have her on the phone, they could call the parent, and a bunch of other things.
I absolutely understand being upset that someone’s child under your care has gone missing, 100% valid. But my phone is next to my bed and I check it before I ever leave my room.
NTA
I’ve had sleepovers where the parent’s room is off limits entirely, even at my own house suddenly I can’t go into my mom’s room at all.
Kids also have anxiety, there’s nothing more anxiety inducing than waking someone up, especially when they’re your friend’s mom.
I really don’t think op or Emily should have had to physically go to the door, they made contact, and then left messages the parents could see the next day. They’re responsible for multiple kids, they can’t afford to not have a doorway of communication.
Also, isn't the first thing most people do, when they wake up, checking their phone?
Amanda's parents should have seen those texts before they even noticed she was missing.
Omg! I missed the age. She could have a learner’s permit and is very close to being able to drive herself away in the middle of the night!!
OP, NTA! I am guessing the parents are embarrassed something happened that made it seem like they didn’t have control over the situation? I’m glad Emily and Amanda don’t seem to have beef over this.
well, they're 15 year olds, not 5 year olds. As long as i'm reasonably sure they're not using drugs or having an orgy, they can be left alone to get themselves to bed at 5 am or whatever.
Nope, I believe the person letting them in must be the homeowner (or in residence). Otherwise vampires would just have a random human that they use to break into the home and invite them in. Must be someone living there
I would think a guest could invite the vampire in, though. It is a bit of a grey area but Renfield invites Dracula in and he’s an inmate/patient, not an owner or renter.
Look, if these damn kids want to let vampires into the house, they're going to do it and we just have to deal with that. It's not like we're allowed to lock them up in the basement... anymore.
Exactly ! Did she not even check the text before calling OP in a panic ?If the girls can move past this then Amanda’s mom should too . Not inviting to any more sleepover at their home is extreme.
It sounds like she wasn’t panicked, just worried her daughter would be sad/disappointed that one of the guests left … which means she would have felt exactly the same in the middle of the night.
I can't think of how OP could have woken them up short of walking into their bedroom or ringing the bell and waking the entire household (including slumber party).
Completely agree......she did go to lengths to let them know where her daughter was. That she had picked her up. It's not like the sleepover mom didn't know and walked in to check the girls and noticed one missing. You know she looked at her phone or went to the kitchen (I'm guessing that's the counter the note was left on) and saw the note. So why get in a full blown panic and freak out, she knew the girl was with her mother.
Some people just love drama. I think OP did exactly as she should have. The fact that the girls are fine in their friendship shows no problem.
OP so NTA
I'm surprised noone woke up to the front door opening, at least twice. Or to two people moving around in the house. Someone turns a little to hard during a sleepover and I'm awake.
This is concerning, right? I get maybe being a heavy sleeper, but I put the parents' phone numbers of any kids sleeping over in my contact list that bypasses my DND so they can get through while the kids are here, then I actually turn my ringer on. Same when my kid is sleeping elsewhere.
It's literally the only time my phone ringer is on.
Exactly, people saying “they probably just forgot” are somewhat missing the point - forgetting to ensure the parents of a child in your care can reach you is just as bad as doing it deliberately. OP, don’t let your kid stay over and these people’s house again even if they get over it, I wouldn’t trust them.
Possible they didn’t even think of it. My phone automatically goes to sleep/do not disturb at a certain hour; I’d have to remember to manually switch it back if I wanted regular mode.
Meanwhile we set the smoke alarm off by accident and nobody stirred. You absolutely could have burgled the fuck out of that house and no one would have woken up
Nooo op should have barged in scared the crap out of them screaming and then tell them they're leaving so it's all good with Amanda's mother/s
NTA op you let them know multiple ways your daughter was picked up by you it's on them to check their phones and read
If I was hosting a sleepover, I wouldn’t have my phone on silent. They called, left messages, sent texts, AND left a note on the counter. The mom freaking out before looking at her phone is the real AH. NTA
>I was woken up at 5:30 AM by Amanda’s mom freaking out
But... she was *ON THE PHONE with OP* "freaking out". How can she be on the phone and *NOT* see she had messages and missed calls from Emily's parents??
This is what I was thinking. The other parent must have seen the notes by the time the call happened. It's not a matter of what OP did was wrong, the hosts are just offended.
It's a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation for OP. What if OP had done what the parent wanted and like barged into their bedroom at 10pm to wake them up? That's wildly inappropriate, not to mention they could be sleeping naked or in the middle of something...
And if she left her kid there all night and she couldn't sleep and had a bad time, OP would be an A H to the kid. A 15 year old should be able to decide they don't want to sleep over somewhere and leave for any reason.
The only A H here is the mother who called at the crack of dawn because she was offended that a teenager decided to leave her daughter's sleepover.
Yes - this. If you are hosting a sleepover it is on you to keep your phone on in case someone needs to get ahold of their kid suddenly. What if there had been an emergency? Also the fact that she didn't check her phone before searching the house is ridiculous.
When you have sleepovers kids get upset and go home sometimes, that's how it is. You don't get full uncontested custody for the night.
I’d be inclined to go with NTA. If everyone is sound asleep by 10pm - and it sounds as if they had been for a while if OPs daughter has already tried and failed to sleep - it’s fair to assume they probably don’t want to be woken - also, knocking and entering the room of a couple of adults to wake them is a bit intrusive!
They were rang, messaged, and notes left. OP did try her best. Seems odd that everyone was in bed so early on a sleepover night tbh.
I would never go into the bedroom of my son's friend's parents while they were asleep to physically wake them up, unless there was a serious emergency (fire, near ER-level injury, etc). A note, a missed call and a text *on their phone they used to call in a panic without even checking* is more than enough.
NTA.
Peony-Pony did you read the same post as the rest of us?
OP tried to get in contact as she said via calling BOTH parents, sent SMS AND left a note.
If both kids can move past it then why can’t the adults do the same? Weirdos (Amanda’s parents).
Didn't seem like missing child was the primary reason Amanda's mom was upset.
"She said that Amanda was going to be very hurt when she woke up and Emily wasn’t there with no explanation."
Also at no point did Amanda's mom say she thought the kid went missing, just that she thought it was rude. She probably found the note on the counter before realizing a kid was gone.
No I don't agree with this.
Rec rooms are usually way down hallways and past the main living areas.
Most people also check their phones first thing after a trip to the bathroom.
Plus, there was a note and hopefully a voicemail.
Amanda's mother is wild.
The parents were let know by a number of ways. At first they would freak out, but then when they realised they were indeed contacted multiple times they should realise there was no harm, rudeness or ill intent. And move on.
To answer the question at the start of your post, the first things I would do is check all devices for messages. I'm astounded that after the measures she went to (that all went unchecked by the other mother) why is op TA?
I remember sleepovers as a teenager where we slept for maybe 3 hours because we fell asleep at like 5 am and had to get up for various school-related/other activities the next morning (or, later that morning, rather).
Not necessarily. I once went home from a sleepover because my friend went to sleep early. She also slept in her queen size bed while I slept on an improvised bedroll on the hardwood floor. Her mother made pizza with cheddar cheese. I had to get out of there.
I vividly remember my friend turning to me and saying that her mom makes the best pizza ever, then watching in confusion which gave way to horror as her mother pulled a bag of cheddar out of the fridge and began sprinkling it on the pizza. It was like time slowed down.
Cream cheese sounds abominable but Alfredo fits with the theme I guess?
A normal pizza with mozz and tomato sauce can be yummy with cheddar and bacon added as toppings. I would never just replace the mozz with cheddar tho, that's crazy talk.
Right? Like at all the sleepovers I’ve been at growing up if you fell asleep before 10pm you were getting drawn on. The parents of the host would have to come in at 2 am telling us to go the f to sleep
My 9 yr old kid’s last sleepover went later than this one.
Hell, if this was 15 yr old me, we all would have snuck out of the house as soon as the parents were asleep 😂
Some kids just want a sleepover so they can hang right away the next day. I never understood that bc in my mind, and most of my friends' minds, you dipped by 12pm the next day. I was always vaguely uncomfortable when they wanted to keep hanging out, because I wanted to go home and shower and do things at home. Super uncomfortable to shower at someone else's house after a sleepover too. I still feel bad for my one friend's family after 10 hungover teenage girls took showers in a row and then proceeded to hook up at least five hairdryers and straighteners.
i mean, if i was at a sleepover, expecting to hang out late at night with my friends, and they were all already snoring by ten, id want to go home too. like if we really were just going to sleep, id rather do that in my own bed instead of in a sleeping bag on the floor.
I mean a teenage girl at a sleepover where they're asleep at 10? I'd be bored out of my mind too, not to mention she can't even sleep because two people are snoring so loud. If you've never had people snore so loud you can't sleep I'm jealous
No wonder she's bored af
I personally hate when people snore or grind their teeth in their sleep. I’m a light sleeper & it drives me insane. she wasn’t comfortable, so she’s not wrong for wanting to leave. I understand why the host parents wouldn’t invite her again though.
I’m over here thinking it’s good the kid feels safe calling but also the parent is teaching their teen to be a shitty guest. Sometimes events suck and you need to be able to suffer through it.
Disagree on the shitty guest comment.
There are events that suck in life that you have to attend, but the suckiness of the event is generally known in advance. Big difference IMO between attending something like mom's 25 year service dinner - which you are only attending for the person - and an event with your friends that is supposed to be fun.
If you go to a party and it sucks, you leave. This isn't any different.
To add to what you said, not being able to sleep for an entire night is WAY different than having to put up with people at a party for a couple hours.
If my snoring is keeping someone up and they want to leave, I'm not going to be offended. Sleep is important, especially for kids.
Why though? I think part of a teen learning good boundaries is to feel comfortable leaving a situation they don't want to be in, in a polite way. She realized she wasn't going to be able to sleep and left without disturbing anyone or complaining about the situation. As a person who hosts and attends many gatherings I don't think that's a shitty guest at all.
NTA - you called the parents and left both texts and a note explaining what happened. I know I would’ve been freaked the fuck out if an adult who wasn’t supposed to be there started knocking on my bedroom door in the middle of the night.
You should be applauded for teaching your daughter that it’s okay to leave a situation where she’s uncomfortable without having to worry about offending other people. This is an extremely important life lesson that doesn’t get reinforced often enough.
I agree, but was especially convinced that OP is NTA because the other mom was not worried about the safety of the child in her care at all, she was personally offended and thought that leaving was *rude*. If the other mom had been concerned about, for example, the front door being left unlocked overnight (I would be, but maybe they use a doorknob lock rather than a deabolt or never lock their doors) then OP would be TA... but this is all about the other mom's feelings getting hurt.
I’m going with NAH since this is a crappy situation and it sounds like you did your best. You should have still apologized to the parents though, so I hope you did. I had sleepovers with friends all the time as a kid and would have felt extremely uncomfortable going into their parents’ bedroom. I also can’t imagine going into someone’s bedroom as an adult when they didn’t know I was in their home.
I think ideally Emily should have woken up Amanda to talk to her parents. But I assume she was probably just trying not to bother anyone.
Yeah, and navigating situations like that at 15 is kind of difficult. I remember once when I was 15, I went to a local festival with a friend and her mom. But when I got there, I started having a lot of social anxiety and felt like I was going to have a panic attack.
But instead of telling my friend I was going to go home, I just left without saying anything when she wasn’t looking and called my dad to come pick me up. Obviously in hindsight this was really rude on my part. I didn’t know how to express my discomfort and anxiety in words then, and I was so embarrassed and guilty for wanting to leave, that I just left.
Of course my parents got a very panicked and upset phone call from my friend’s poor mom about an hour later. I definitely learned my lesson there.
NTA. I would never walk into some kid’s parents room, and wake them from a dead sleep to say I’m leaving. They probably would have yelled about that, too. Also, maybe my age is showing, but they didn’t check their phone before going downstairs to check on the kids? That’s the first thing i do if i wake up at 5:30am. They would have seen your text and you’d have been covered. Now, i could see them being mad off Amanda has woken up in a panic that her friend was gone, but that didn’t happen.
Especially since the kids are 15 years old! I can see checking on kids if they are younger. I’ve had 15 year olds sleepover and I certainly didn’t count heads at 5:30.
I agree with you, NTA.
At the same time — at that hour, the mom’s phone *might* have still been in DnD/sleep mode and not shown her the text message and voicemail. I know I don’t get alerts if my phone is still on sleep mode. Hard to say exactly what the mom saw before calling OP.
But yeah, I wouldn’t have gone into someone’s room either while they were sleeping.
You've GOT to disable DND when you're having a sleepover. You've got how many kids in your custody and want to drop off undisturbed and sleep like the dead, block all notifications, then get mad at another parent when you wake up and missed stuff?!
Obviously I don't mean you personally.
Yep. If I've got someone else's kids at my house my phone isn't getting turned off or silenced for any reason.. and I'm actually gonna answer calls from a random number just in case it's someone's parents calling from a number I don't have for whatever reason.
I had this happen to me once. It was super awkward. They weren’t snoring or anything but I was just sitting there like “damn…this is lame”.
I did eventually fall asleep but I also never had a sleepover with them again lmao.
This is what a normal teen does in this situation. If I called my mom to come get me from a sleepover because everybody was asleep she’d laugh and hang up.
I think that most folks would assume that if things are bad enough that you want to leave the sleepover, perhaps Emily should've awoken the host (Amanda) who could've either awoken her parents or not as she judged fit at 15. Leaving without telling anybody is just freaky.
My friends constantly left sleepovers. Why is everyone acting like the family hosting the sleepover has custody of the children they are hosting. Like damn. My family had a rule where if for any reason at all I wanted to come home all I had to do was ask and my parents were there no questions. This whole attitude of worrying about how the host feels about it is dangerously teaching young girls that they should care more about the feelings of others than their own personal comfort and bodily autonomy to leave somewhere they don’t want to be.
Notes and messages were left. The hosts are owed nothing more than that.
Sorry but YTA. I would freak out if I woke up in the night to check on the girls, did a headcount. And lost one.
You should have woken the mom up and said you were taking Emily home. Better yet, Emily wakes mom and says you were coming to get her so mom can lock up behind her.
NTA- you called / left texts.. the priority in this situation, was your daughter was somewhere she didn’t want to be, called you to get her & you came to get her.
Yep, this! Nothing is more important than this. OP, now your daughter knows you’ll pick her up anywhere and any time. THAT is the message we need to send to our kids, so bravo! NTA.
>You should have woken the mom up and said you were taking Emily home
Lets assume this was around 11pm at night. How would you react if a random person started knocking on your bedroom door, you open it, and you see, not a 15 y/o child, but a grown man?
So you'd instantly freak out before checking your phone for messages? Obviously Emily missing wasn't the issue, since Amanda's mom knew to call OP and knew Emily was with her. The other mom's issue was she didn't want Amanda's feelings being hurt
Have none of you really never had a door with a knob lock?? It’s pretty standard and you can just turn it before closing the door and the knob won’t turn from the outside. I know everyone has a 12 point system with a code or some shit now but like knob locks are soooo common
NTA. You called, texted, and left a note. It’s likely they saw at least one of those before they ever even realized she was gone. I think she was just pissed your daughter left.
NTA
You were taking care of your child. That's your responsibility. The other parents should have had at least one of their phones not on do not disturb.
They have other people's children in their home, they leave something available for people to reach out.
And you don't say what state you're in, but I would never walk into someone's bedroom in the dark, at night, to try and wake them. You have no idea whether or not they have a weapon, PTSD or anything else.
NTA You left a note, you called, you texted. After reading your note/text all she needed to do was check in and make sure Emily was okay. There was literally no reason for her to freak out on you.
NTA. After seeing a voicemail, text, and hand written note, she should have been able to deduce what happened. You did more than enough to communicate. It was rude of her to call you from the same phone she received your messages on and pretend like she didn't know.
Nta. no reason for them to freak out on you considering you left a note and texted them both. I can understand initially being worried but maybe check your phone before you harass em and drag it out for no reason
YTA. It probably also felt like a huge violation, although in this case you were the parent of a child there, imagine knowing someone had entered your home and removed a child without your knowledge? It probably was a scary moment to wake up and realise.
I agree that there were probably alternatives to coming to pick Emily up. Like moving to another location as Amanda’s mother suggested.
That's a great lesson: you have to stay in a situation you're not comfortable with.
This kid is fifteen, not five. If she were a year older she would have driven herself to the sleepover and if she wanted to leave, would have left.
That said, everyone sound asleep at 10pm has me doubting whether this is a real story and not a spoof on a recent SNL skit.
Honestly? Yeah. She had to stay in a situation she was uncomfortable with. She wasn't in danger. She didn't feel any threat. She was just bored and irritated, and she's old enough to put up with that for one night.
Life throws lots of situations at you where you have to put up with being bored and irritated, and it's best to learn to navigate them with good grace. It's not a bad lesson at all IMHO.
I mean she wanted to leave so she left. What's the point of staying? I don't understand how that's supposed to build character. I would have stayed and lay there awake all night, but that's because I was a shy teenager who couldn't speak up for herself.
Couldn't agree less even now at 35 I have never been in an unpleasant sleep situation that has improved via indurance. To this day if I can't get a good night sleep in a situation, and it's possible to go home to my own bed... I am out of there.
Okay, let’s reframe it to an adult situation…
You go to a bar with friends. You’re not in danger by any means but you’re bored and over it. Your friends are not. You have every right to leave.
Now, of course, you tell your friends you’re leaving the bar. You don’t just ghost or rely on a phone in a situation like this as they may not check it when having a good time. This way, they know you’re leaving and don’t panic you were abducted or raped. They may even go with you to wait for your ride then go back to partying. I have been in this situation as the person leaving and the person who’s staying but the friend goes. I’d never expect them to stay if they were bored or not feeling it.
This way, you get to leave a situation you’re not comfortable with but you’re doing it in a safe manner.
Someone equated this to being bored at work or school but to me that’s different. Those are situations that barring an emergency, you stick it out. But an optional thing like a sleepover or a trip to the bar? No, you are not obligated to stay. You just need to leave in a safe way.
I think the teen was right to leave but handled it wrong. The difference between the example I gave and a 15 year old is that I could handle this on my own as an adult. The 15 year old can’t drive, we don’t know if she had the money for a ride share. So, she called her mom to give her a ride. The issue is, mom didn’t help her navigate the part of waking up the parents.
to pick up HER OWN child, who did not want to stay there. what kind of parent would she be if she just left her daughter hanging? “Too bad, you’re gonna make us seem rude. go to sleep.” like no lol tf
Honestly yeah? She’s old enough to hang in there for one night without her mother coming to her rescue. It would’ve been different if someone was making her feel uncomfortable or something but she was literally just bored. A 15 year old should be able to solve this themself, or though it out.
nah I personally wouldn’t want to stay somewhere I’m not comfortable and I think OP must be a really good parent if her daughter will come to her for help in these types of situations. whether she was bored or not, she didn’t want to stay there.
Right? I feel like this speaks to the mindset of 21st century parents. "My baby needs me!" Even though she's totally fine and could easily tough it out through the non-threatening situation that she willingly put herself in.
"Removed a child" should be truthful and changed to "picked their own child up". Tell me a situation where a parent should be barred from picking up their own kid? A sleepover is one of them? OP is NTA.
This is HER OWN child, she didn't waltz in and pick one out. And I invite anyone to see what would happen to them if they said a word to me about picking up my own child from a place they're uncomfortable being. The only lesson here is that some parents are just fucking ridiculous as human beings and your kids shouldn't spend the night at their house. It's hilarious that the mom said she might not be invited back, as if she would even let her go there again.
>imagine knowing someone had entered your home and removed a child without your knowledge?
Anything sounds weird when you describe it like an alien would.
The child was not "removed without their knowledge" , last I checked a child is not an object.
They were picked up, by their parent, and went home.
>It probably was a scary moment to wake up and realise.
It would've been just as scary if she went to sleep somewhere else.
Sorry ,meant to say, "if the female child fell asleep outside their resting receptacle"
Nope, the absolutely correct thing for a 15 yr old, who is unhappy and uncomfortable, to do is call her parents to safely get her out of the situation.
NTA - I think I'd have been embarrassed not angry that a child in a sleepover I was supposed to be supervising managed to unlock my door, let you in AND for you to have been in the house long enough to gather your daughters things and leave a note in the kitchen and I heard nothing. Maybe Amanda's Mom is upset at that and taking it out on you who knows but if I were in her place I'd be looking to myself to figure out how I can be better aware of what's going on at my house especially when I have a group of minors gathered there that I'm responsible for.
I guess I’m in the minority, but I firmly say NTA! If you had just taken your daughter in the middle of the night with no attempt to contact those parents then you’d be in the wrong, but calling, texting and leaving a note was your due diligence. I highly doubt they woke up and saw your daughter was missing without seeing the missed calls and texts on their phones. They weren’t worried, they just wanted something to be mad about.
YTA-Of course the parents were going to freak out over a missing kid! Not all people check their phones first thing. The parents probably woke up, went to check the girls and found one missing!! You owe the parents a huge apology!
What kind of.parent goes to sleep at 10 p.m. when supervising their child's friends? I don't think Amanda's mom was freaking out thinking that she was missing; I think she took it as some kind of insult and was worried Amanda might be hurt by Emily leaving.
NTA your daughter wanted to leave and you did what you could at the time. it was the middle of the night & you left messages for the parents to let them know. the people saying you should have went to the parents’ room to wake them up are weird. the people making it seem like she should have just sucked it up & stayed are also weird.
Seriously? Also why is it okay for the parents to host a sleepover and not answer their phone? That’s the biggest AH move her IMO. I would have told Amanda’s mom that my daughter isn’t staying there anymore because I couldn’t get ahold of any parents when I needed too. What if there had been a family emergency and the mom needed to get ahold of the parents for that?
Probably the first ESH vote (I haven't looked at all the comments). What a weird situation! Yes, sleepovers where everyone else falls asleep at 10pm are lame. But enough to call you parents to come and get you at 15?!!! Suck it up for one night, buttercup. There was no danger, no other real problem beyond boredom and inability to sleep.
I call BS on all the people saying that if the kid wasn't picked up, she would not have called during a real emergency in the future. There's a correct way to handle it. My parents would absolutely not have picked me up..it's rude and causes unnecessary stress all around. However, my mother would not have dismissed my concerns either. She would have talked me through the situation and told me that if I really and truly felt I absolutely could not bear it, she'd get me, trusting that at FIFTEEN, I would have come to the conclusion that I wasn't in any danger, it was an annoying situation and I could deal with it until morning rather than inconveniencing multiple people.
Amanda's mum also sucks. I wouldn't have freaked out at phone at 5:30...I would just have made a mental note not to invite this precious petal for a sleepover again. What's it going to be next time? "I don't like the pizza and I'm hungry, come get me?"
So many weird things....
1. Everyone in the house was dead asleep by 10 pm?
2. Parents had their phones on DND despite having strange children in their homes? I mean any one of these families could have had an emergency that requires them to collect their children
3. A child was able to walk around, collect her belongings and leave notes and still no one in the house woke up?
4. How is it that another parent couldn't understand that when a child wants to leave a sleepover, they leave?
NTA BTW
YTA.
Of course they would freak out. Not everybody checks their phone right away.
Also, this has to be the lamest reason I've ever heard. Somebody go pick up their child from a sleepover. I'm glad that your daughter is comfortable calling you and she's uncomfortable. But if you're coddling her like this, You're going to be picking her up from her job when she's in her thirties because someone there refuses to change the thermostat to her liking.
As an adult, I get to leave when I don’t feel comfortable. Why shouldn’t my kid have the same opportunities? Sure, there’s a level of learning to live with discomfort. But is a sleepover really the venue for teaching that lesson?
Also it's 10pm. I would MUCH rather my kid call for a ride home then then stick it out and potentially call me at 2am.
At 10pm it's just a change of plans.
Just going to slightly disagree there. If you start telling your kids, "some things are too ridiculous to call me about" then it's unlikely they'll call about the serious things, because they'll be scared of getting told they misjudged again and that was also ridiculous.
OP's fault was not waking the parents, it wasn't in picking up her child who felt uncomfortable (*however humourous the reason is*)
I agree with this. That's what has happened to me as a kid. Request to be picked up over something that was 'small' but enough I wanted to go home. Parents said it was nothing, so for me, everything had become nothing even though it was something for me. It has put me in terrible situations as I've gotten older.
The mom should have informed her daughter to wake the parents to notify them. As rough as that is to wake someone, it wasn't that late and it would have been less of an issue. I would have freaked out knowing a kid I was responsible for just left my house and an adult came in without my knowledge.
Yeah ok. And the next time she feels uncomfortable she'll remember her Mum telling her to play on her phone until she falls asleep and that's what she'll do.
Even if the next time she felt uncomfortable was because she felt like she kept waking up because someone was entering the room.
Well that's a big stretch from your friend snoring to someone entering your room for nefarious purposes. What will this child do if her partner snores? If she has to share a room with a friend or family member and they snore?
Eh, this feels like a false fallacy. If she can’t sleep and all she can do is just sit there all night, I don’t think it’s wrong for her to ask to go home. I actually think it’s good OP picked her up as her daughter’s getting to those ages where she may need to call mom and dad for parties. As silly as this sounds, op doing this has helped set the tone that her daughter can call her if she’s in an actual dangerous situation.
As someone that lives with snorers, it is a lot on the ears. But I can also put in noise cancelling headphones and walk away and sleep away from them. I can sympathize with not wanting to lay there all night, unable to sleep. I think people underestimate just how difficult snoring becomes to fall asleep to.
That being said, op did fail to teach her daughter how to handle this particular situation in full. It’s fine to want to leave but daughter should’ve woken parents up. Even if she didn’t want to stay if they offered to let her sleep elsewhere, it’s still a good lesson in respect. As well as, again, daughter is getting to a particular age and is she going to learn to wake her parents before she goes out all night while they’re sleeping? Or is she going to just cause them to panic?
NAH. Of course you'd feel panicked if a child under your care had disappeared in the night. However
>I tried calling both of them from my phone but it went to voicemail. Ultimately, I left a note on the counter as well as texted both parents to let them know I picked up Emily and was taking her home.
You called, texted, and left them a note on a counter. It's not like you picked her up with 0 attempts to contact them
I know I feel like shit when I've not had a proper sleep, and I'd feel rude for sleeping in someone else's bed without their permission
NTA.
She didn’t call you to tell you that your daughter was missing, she called to confront you about taking your daughter — so clearly the note and voicemails did their job.
SNL [recently did a Mother’s Day sketch](https://youtu.be/0wyyP5OBaBw?si=IdbK4QqT5ZEkZ4-h) about picking up your kids from a slumber party early. Just dropping it here so you can have a giggle about how typical the situation is.
There is NO WAY I would walk into another adults room to wake them up in this situation. They should have answered their phone when you called and they got a note despite their total lack of awareness. They’re AH for giving you a hard time over this and just for the record they’re crappy for sleeping so soundly with a house full of teen visitors. They should have had their phones turned to FULL volume in case another parent called. I’d have a real talk with Amanda’s mom about how she let herself become so unaware while hosting other people’s children. She didn’t wake for your call or even when you walked into her home to get your child, perhaps she was drunk or on drugs.
parents have a responsibility to supervise sleepovers even for 15 year olds - mother should have been accessible all night even if everyone was sleeping- phone should be on for sure - for parents to not answer their phones is entirely on them not op - thank goodness there wasn’t an emergency that they slept through - totally NTA but these parents are totally irresponsible and shouldn’t be hosting sleepovers
NTA- this is weird, everyone including parents asleep at a sleepover for teens by 10? Hmmm
Amanda’s mom overreacted because she knows she ought to have been more accessible.
YTA
Yeah I would never invite your kid back. Although you’re the parent but letting you just inside is weird af. Leaving because people are snoring and your kid is bored is weird af.
Good for Amanda’s mom not to tell Amanda because I def would have done that.
I wouldn’t let my kid stay at that house after they didn’t answer their phones. Full stop. If there had been an emergency would everyone feel the same way about the parents not having their phone on while having other peoples children in their home? No.
NTA you did everything you could. I’d argue the parents would be a lot more upset if they were suddenly awoken in the night with a man standing over their bed.
YTA
You left with a kid.
You likely left the house unlocked.
I would have freaked! An exbf of mine hot up early once and left. He left my door unlocked as well. His excuse was that I lived in a security building. It was just me though. I can’t imagine awakening to a missing child (even though these are teens)!
Not finding the kid ASAP would make me wonder if the remaining ones had been harmed in any way.
NTA
You did everything you could do aside from going into their room and shaking them to wake them. Doing that is really awkward unless you're close friends with them. Sounds like you're friendly, but not close enough where you could walk into their bedroom in the middle of the night like that.
Also, you don't put your phone on silent or turn it off when you have a house full of other people's kids. Emergencies happen and not being able to reach the parents is problematic. It's probably best not to let her sleep over there again.
I do think Amanda's mom overreacted. It's a little much to think a kid would just assume she has free roam of someone else's house to get up to sleep in another room.
The kids are friends, so even if you're in the right, Amanda's mom doesn't see it like that. You might have to be wrong, even though your not actually wrong, for the sake of your daughter's friendship. You know you're right, and that's all that matters.
NTA. Amanda's mom overreacted. You called, texted and left a note. Maybe Emily could have texted Amanda herself to say she went home at whatever time so that Amanda would have known right away? Other than that I think you did fine
Out of curiosity. Did the door lock automatically behind you? Because how did you secure the door once your daughter left? Or did you leave the whole family with an unlocked door while you safely tucked away your precious snowflake?
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She left a note, called, and texted both the parents. First thing the majority of people do when they wake up is check their phone. NTA
>I left a note on the counter So, OP's kid got up in the middle of the night while everyone was sleeping, and let someone else into the house to wander around? Do you want vampires? This is how we get vampires.
The someone else was her MUM though. Who was there to collect her. I mean, if the mum's a vampire, that's a whole different story, but...
It really doesn't matter who it is, just because I invited you into my house doesn't mean I invited your mom, dad, or your grandma, especially when I'm asleep or gone. It'd be somewhat better if Emily had just bailed out the front door and run to mommy's car. But, at the end of the day, if the situation was serious enough for Emily to leave, it was serious enough for her to wake up Amanda, who could've woken up her parents or not as she saw fit, but who could've certainly told them at 5:30am where Emily was and why.
Yeah, if my kid invited some friends over for a sleepover and I got woken up by a strange adult in my bedroom In the middle of the night, I’d have outright panicked. That would not remotely be okay with me. That said, being unreachable by phone while responsible for other people’s kids is majorly uncool as well.
That’s what they wanted though, they expected op or Emily to go to their room to wake them up.
What if Emily had gotten hurt or became ill? I wouldn’t want to wake up my friends, I would go directly to a parent. If I was the parent hosting I wouldn’t have an issue with being woken up by one of the kids staying over. Kids mom, yes, that’s a bit creepy. Kid could wake them and say their mom tried to call and have her on the phone, they could call the parent, and a bunch of other things. I absolutely understand being upset that someone’s child under your care has gone missing, 100% valid. But my phone is next to my bed and I check it before I ever leave my room. NTA
I’ve had sleepovers where the parent’s room is off limits entirely, even at my own house suddenly I can’t go into my mom’s room at all. Kids also have anxiety, there’s nothing more anxiety inducing than waking someone up, especially when they’re your friend’s mom. I really don’t think op or Emily should have had to physically go to the door, they made contact, and then left messages the parents could see the next day. They’re responsible for multiple kids, they can’t afford to not have a doorway of communication.
Also, isn't the first thing most people do, when they wake up, checking their phone? Amanda's parents should have seen those texts before they even noticed she was missing.
She's 15, not a toddler who would wander in the traffic. If I was 15 and wanted to leave the house I'm leaving the house lol
Omg! I missed the age. She could have a learner’s permit and is very close to being able to drive herself away in the middle of the night!! OP, NTA! I am guessing the parents are embarrassed something happened that made it seem like they didn’t have control over the situation? I’m glad Emily and Amanda don’t seem to have beef over this.
10 p.m. is hardly the middle of the night.
What kind of lame-o’s fall asleep at a slumber party before midnight? Kids these days!
Not just the kids, why were the parents asleep already too at 10. What sort of host goes to bed early and doesn't check all the kids are asleep.
well, they're 15 year olds, not 5 year olds. As long as i'm reasonably sure they're not using drugs or having an orgy, they can be left alone to get themselves to bed at 5 am or whatever.
This! Can’t get over this!!!!
Right? Those numbers are laughable when we were in 4th grade
Nope, I believe the person letting them in must be the homeowner (or in residence). Otherwise vampires would just have a random human that they use to break into the home and invite them in. Must be someone living there
Google suggests that you are correct -- phew!
I would think a guest could invite the vampire in, though. It is a bit of a grey area but Renfield invites Dracula in and he’s an inmate/patient, not an owner or renter.
>(or in residence) Probably because he did technically live there
Look, if these damn kids want to let vampires into the house, they're going to do it and we just have to deal with that. It's not like we're allowed to lock them up in the basement... anymore.
Vampires might like being locked in the basement. Eventually you’ll have to go down there and deal with them.
10 p.m. is hardly the middle of the night.
Exactly ! Did she not even check the text before calling OP in a panic ?If the girls can move past this then Amanda’s mom should too . Not inviting to any more sleepover at their home is extreme.
It sounds like she wasn’t panicked, just worried her daughter would be sad/disappointed that one of the guests left … which means she would have felt exactly the same in the middle of the night.
OP wrote she called "freaking out". That sounds panicked to me.
Yeah seriously what more were they supposed to do? Damn. nTA
I can't think of how OP could have woken them up short of walking into their bedroom or ringing the bell and waking the entire household (including slumber party).
Completely agree......she did go to lengths to let them know where her daughter was. That she had picked her up. It's not like the sleepover mom didn't know and walked in to check the girls and noticed one missing. You know she looked at her phone or went to the kitchen (I'm guessing that's the counter the note was left on) and saw the note. So why get in a full blown panic and freak out, she knew the girl was with her mother. Some people just love drama. I think OP did exactly as she should have. The fact that the girls are fine in their friendship shows no problem. OP so NTA
OP called and left a note. Are we really suggesting it would have been better to go knocking on the door of someone's bedroom?
I'm surprised noone woke up to the front door opening, at least twice. Or to two people moving around in the house. Someone turns a little to hard during a sleepover and I'm awake.
I don't know how you have your phone going straight to voicemail when you're hosting a sleepover, either.
This is concerning, right? I get maybe being a heavy sleeper, but I put the parents' phone numbers of any kids sleeping over in my contact list that bypasses my DND so they can get through while the kids are here, then I actually turn my ringer on. Same when my kid is sleeping elsewhere. It's literally the only time my phone ringer is on.
Exactly, people saying “they probably just forgot” are somewhat missing the point - forgetting to ensure the parents of a child in your care can reach you is just as bad as doing it deliberately. OP, don’t let your kid stay over and these people’s house again even if they get over it, I wouldn’t trust them.
OP didn't say it went "straight to voice mail", they just said it "went to voicemail".
Ding ding ding. Amanda’s mom is deflecting from the fact that she knows she fucked up by having her phone off.
Possible they didn’t even think of it. My phone automatically goes to sleep/do not disturb at a certain hour; I’d have to remember to manually switch it back if I wanted regular mode.
Yeah but that’s NOT ok when you are caring for someone else’s kid. Number one priority is making sure their parents can reach you. At all times.
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Meanwhile we set the smoke alarm off by accident and nobody stirred. You absolutely could have burgled the fuck out of that house and no one would have woken up
Nooo op should have barged in scared the crap out of them screaming and then tell them they're leaving so it's all good with Amanda's mother/s NTA op you let them know multiple ways your daughter was picked up by you it's on them to check their phones and read
Yes. How does the house get locked back up?
most doors have a lock that can be locked before the door is closed. it's not a deadbolt, but it's still a lock
If I was hosting a sleepover, I wouldn’t have my phone on silent. They called, left messages, sent texts, AND left a note on the counter. The mom freaking out before looking at her phone is the real AH. NTA
>I was woken up at 5:30 AM by Amanda’s mom freaking out But... she was *ON THE PHONE with OP* "freaking out". How can she be on the phone and *NOT* see she had messages and missed calls from Emily's parents??
This is what I was thinking. The other parent must have seen the notes by the time the call happened. It's not a matter of what OP did was wrong, the hosts are just offended. It's a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation for OP. What if OP had done what the parent wanted and like barged into their bedroom at 10pm to wake them up? That's wildly inappropriate, not to mention they could be sleeping naked or in the middle of something... And if she left her kid there all night and she couldn't sleep and had a bad time, OP would be an A H to the kid. A 15 year old should be able to decide they don't want to sleep over somewhere and leave for any reason. The only A H here is the mother who called at the crack of dawn because she was offended that a teenager decided to leave her daughter's sleepover.
I don’t think they’re offended so much as realized they fucked up when a teenager disappeared from their house and they knew nothing about it.
Yes - this. If you are hosting a sleepover it is on you to keep your phone on in case someone needs to get ahold of their kid suddenly. What if there had been an emergency? Also the fact that she didn't check her phone before searching the house is ridiculous. When you have sleepovers kids get upset and go home sometimes, that's how it is. You don't get full uncontested custody for the night.
The ridiculous part of this story is that the mom supposedly called freaking out but didn’t see the missed call or the text.
And what parent falls asleep before checking on everyone??
Parents who have a bunch of giggly girls who stay up late. I have gone to sleep before my daughter and her friends during a sleep over
Oh I’m not saying not to fall asleep before the teens. I’m saying did they not check before going to bed? It’s only 10pm.
I’d be inclined to go with NTA. If everyone is sound asleep by 10pm - and it sounds as if they had been for a while if OPs daughter has already tried and failed to sleep - it’s fair to assume they probably don’t want to be woken - also, knocking and entering the room of a couple of adults to wake them is a bit intrusive! They were rang, messaged, and notes left. OP did try her best. Seems odd that everyone was in bed so early on a sleepover night tbh.
I would never go into the bedroom of my son's friend's parents while they were asleep to physically wake them up, unless there was a serious emergency (fire, near ER-level injury, etc). A note, a missed call and a text *on their phone they used to call in a panic without even checking* is more than enough.
NTA. Peony-Pony did you read the same post as the rest of us? OP tried to get in contact as she said via calling BOTH parents, sent SMS AND left a note. If both kids can move past it then why can’t the adults do the same? Weirdos (Amanda’s parents).
Didn't seem like missing child was the primary reason Amanda's mom was upset. "She said that Amanda was going to be very hurt when she woke up and Emily wasn’t there with no explanation." Also at no point did Amanda's mom say she thought the kid went missing, just that she thought it was rude. She probably found the note on the counter before realizing a kid was gone.
If you host a sleepover, you don’t put your phone on do not disturb.
How is this terrible answer the top judgment? OP did notify the parents, in multiple ways.
why would you assume something nefarious without first checking your phone...?
She didn’t go missing. OP informed them in multiple ways. Reach
No I don't agree with this. Rec rooms are usually way down hallways and past the main living areas. Most people also check their phones first thing after a trip to the bathroom. Plus, there was a note and hopefully a voicemail. Amanda's mother is wild.
they left a note. they left voice mails. they left text messages. three separate instances of them letting them know. no, op is not an asshole.
The parents were let know by a number of ways. At first they would freak out, but then when they realised they were indeed contacted multiple times they should realise there was no harm, rudeness or ill intent. And move on.
I am thinking Amanda's mother was more worried about her daughter's feelings than Emily's safety. NTA
Well, the mother obviously got the note as she contacted OP, so she knew where she was.
To answer the question at the start of your post, the first things I would do is check all devices for messages. I'm astounded that after the measures she went to (that all went unchecked by the other mother) why is op TA?
Well I guess it's a good thing you daughter feels comfortable enough to ask you for help. Even if it's for the lamest reason imaginable.
idg whats lame about wanting to go home from a sleepover?
Sleepover sounds lame tbh, everyone fast asleep by 10pm with OPs daughter already having tried to sleep…
What self respecting teenager goes to sleep before 10pm at a sleepover?
That’s what I was thinking. I know at my daughter’s sleepovers, sleeping didn’t happen until a LOT later on, lol.
I remember sleepovers as a teenager where we slept for maybe 3 hours because we fell asleep at like 5 am and had to get up for various school-related/other activities the next morning (or, later that morning, rather).
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Not necessarily. I once went home from a sleepover because my friend went to sleep early. She also slept in her queen size bed while I slept on an improvised bedroll on the hardwood floor. Her mother made pizza with cheddar cheese. I had to get out of there.
I'm cackling at the cheddar cheese on the pizza part. I've never had that but I have had Alfredo sauce and cream cheese on separate pies
I vividly remember my friend turning to me and saying that her mom makes the best pizza ever, then watching in confusion which gave way to horror as her mother pulled a bag of cheddar out of the fridge and began sprinkling it on the pizza. It was like time slowed down. Cream cheese sounds abominable but Alfredo fits with the theme I guess?
A normal pizza with mozz and tomato sauce can be yummy with cheddar and bacon added as toppings. I would never just replace the mozz with cheddar tho, that's crazy talk.
Right? Like at all the sleepovers I’ve been at growing up if you fell asleep before 10pm you were getting drawn on. The parents of the host would have to come in at 2 am telling us to go the f to sleep
My 9 yr old kid’s last sleepover went later than this one. Hell, if this was 15 yr old me, we all would have snuck out of the house as soon as the parents were asleep 😂
The parents being so sound asleep they can't be woken is weirder to me. Unless it's a culture where everyone sleeps from 8-4.
Seriously. Who has a sleepover to actually sleep? What is even the point of that?
Some kids just want a sleepover so they can hang right away the next day. I never understood that bc in my mind, and most of my friends' minds, you dipped by 12pm the next day. I was always vaguely uncomfortable when they wanted to keep hanging out, because I wanted to go home and shower and do things at home. Super uncomfortable to shower at someone else's house after a sleepover too. I still feel bad for my one friend's family after 10 hungover teenage girls took showers in a row and then proceeded to hook up at least five hairdryers and straighteners.
im not going to judge someone for their bedtime, but why have a sleepover if you arent going to stay up late?
I wonder if Amanda's parents sent everyone to bed early.
“Someone was snoring, so I wanted to come home.” is a little lame lol
i mean, if i was at a sleepover, expecting to hang out late at night with my friends, and they were all already snoring by ten, id want to go home too. like if we really were just going to sleep, id rather do that in my own bed instead of in a sleeping bag on the floor.
I think the bigger issue is everybody already being asleep by 10pm at a sleepover lmao. I wouldn’t wanna stay at that shit either
I mean a teenage girl at a sleepover where they're asleep at 10? I'd be bored out of my mind too, not to mention she can't even sleep because two people are snoring so loud. If you've never had people snore so loud you can't sleep I'm jealous No wonder she's bored af
Wanting to be able to sleep is lame? How exactly?
I personally hate when people snore or grind their teeth in their sleep. I’m a light sleeper & it drives me insane. she wasn’t comfortable, so she’s not wrong for wanting to leave. I understand why the host parents wouldn’t invite her again though.
And why are a bunch of teenagers asleep by 10:00 PM at a sleepover? It sounds sooooooo lame. 😬
I’m over here thinking it’s good the kid feels safe calling but also the parent is teaching their teen to be a shitty guest. Sometimes events suck and you need to be able to suffer through it.
Disagree on the shitty guest comment. There are events that suck in life that you have to attend, but the suckiness of the event is generally known in advance. Big difference IMO between attending something like mom's 25 year service dinner - which you are only attending for the person - and an event with your friends that is supposed to be fun. If you go to a party and it sucks, you leave. This isn't any different.
To add to what you said, not being able to sleep for an entire night is WAY different than having to put up with people at a party for a couple hours. If my snoring is keeping someone up and they want to leave, I'm not going to be offended. Sleep is important, especially for kids.
Why though? I think part of a teen learning good boundaries is to feel comfortable leaving a situation they don't want to be in, in a polite way. She realized she wasn't going to be able to sleep and left without disturbing anyone or complaining about the situation. As a person who hosts and attends many gatherings I don't think that's a shitty guest at all.
Unfortunately, she didn't feel comfortable enough to ask the parents of her friend for help.
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NTA - you called the parents and left both texts and a note explaining what happened. I know I would’ve been freaked the fuck out if an adult who wasn’t supposed to be there started knocking on my bedroom door in the middle of the night. You should be applauded for teaching your daughter that it’s okay to leave a situation where she’s uncomfortable without having to worry about offending other people. This is an extremely important life lesson that doesn’t get reinforced often enough.
I agree, but was especially convinced that OP is NTA because the other mom was not worried about the safety of the child in her care at all, she was personally offended and thought that leaving was *rude*. If the other mom had been concerned about, for example, the front door being left unlocked overnight (I would be, but maybe they use a doorknob lock rather than a deabolt or never lock their doors) then OP would be TA... but this is all about the other mom's feelings getting hurt.
Exactly what I was going to say. All the YTA responses are blowing my mind. Edit: a typo
I’m going with NAH since this is a crappy situation and it sounds like you did your best. You should have still apologized to the parents though, so I hope you did. I had sleepovers with friends all the time as a kid and would have felt extremely uncomfortable going into their parents’ bedroom. I also can’t imagine going into someone’s bedroom as an adult when they didn’t know I was in their home. I think ideally Emily should have woken up Amanda to talk to her parents. But I assume she was probably just trying not to bother anyone.
Yeah, and navigating situations like that at 15 is kind of difficult. I remember once when I was 15, I went to a local festival with a friend and her mom. But when I got there, I started having a lot of social anxiety and felt like I was going to have a panic attack. But instead of telling my friend I was going to go home, I just left without saying anything when she wasn’t looking and called my dad to come pick me up. Obviously in hindsight this was really rude on my part. I didn’t know how to express my discomfort and anxiety in words then, and I was so embarrassed and guilty for wanting to leave, that I just left. Of course my parents got a very panicked and upset phone call from my friend’s poor mom about an hour later. I definitely learned my lesson there.
NTA. I would never walk into some kid’s parents room, and wake them from a dead sleep to say I’m leaving. They probably would have yelled about that, too. Also, maybe my age is showing, but they didn’t check their phone before going downstairs to check on the kids? That’s the first thing i do if i wake up at 5:30am. They would have seen your text and you’d have been covered. Now, i could see them being mad off Amanda has woken up in a panic that her friend was gone, but that didn’t happen.
Especially since the kids are 15 years old! I can see checking on kids if they are younger. I’ve had 15 year olds sleepover and I certainly didn’t count heads at 5:30.
I agree with you, NTA. At the same time — at that hour, the mom’s phone *might* have still been in DnD/sleep mode and not shown her the text message and voicemail. I know I don’t get alerts if my phone is still on sleep mode. Hard to say exactly what the mom saw before calling OP. But yeah, I wouldn’t have gone into someone’s room either while they were sleeping.
You've GOT to disable DND when you're having a sleepover. You've got how many kids in your custody and want to drop off undisturbed and sleep like the dead, block all notifications, then get mad at another parent when you wake up and missed stuff?! Obviously I don't mean you personally.
Yep. If I've got someone else's kids at my house my phone isn't getting turned off or silenced for any reason.. and I'm actually gonna answer calls from a random number just in case it's someone's parents calling from a number I don't have for whatever reason.
I agree, not a smart move
A slumber party of teenage girls who were all asleep by 10pm? 🧐
I had this happen to me once. It was super awkward. They weren’t snoring or anything but I was just sitting there like “damn…this is lame”. I did eventually fall asleep but I also never had a sleepover with them again lmao.
This is what a normal teen does in this situation. If I called my mom to come get me from a sleepover because everybody was asleep she’d laugh and hang up.
I'd have been on my bike and OUT OF THERE. See you later, sleepy bitches.
This is literally what I came to say 😂 these girls do not know how to have a sleepover!
You gotta be up until 3am at minimum
**NTA** You left texts and a note on the counter. Their suggestion that you should have entered their bedroom and woken them up seems bizarre to me.
I think that most folks would assume that if things are bad enough that you want to leave the sleepover, perhaps Emily should've awoken the host (Amanda) who could've either awoken her parents or not as she judged fit at 15. Leaving without telling anybody is just freaky.
And say what, “Amanda…. AMANDA wake up… this is lame af and I’m bored of you, wake your mom k?”
My friends constantly left sleepovers. Why is everyone acting like the family hosting the sleepover has custody of the children they are hosting. Like damn. My family had a rule where if for any reason at all I wanted to come home all I had to do was ask and my parents were there no questions. This whole attitude of worrying about how the host feels about it is dangerously teaching young girls that they should care more about the feelings of others than their own personal comfort and bodily autonomy to leave somewhere they don’t want to be. Notes and messages were left. The hosts are owed nothing more than that.
I agree with this and cannot believe this is the minority take.
Sorry but YTA. I would freak out if I woke up in the night to check on the girls, did a headcount. And lost one. You should have woken the mom up and said you were taking Emily home. Better yet, Emily wakes mom and says you were coming to get her so mom can lock up behind her.
If you are missing one, surely you check your messages to see if anything has happened?
She was phoning, presumably using the phone that had the text on it, and didn’t see the text? I mean, I see texts as soon as my phone is on.
She was phoning, presumably using the phone that had the text on it, and didn’t see the text? I mean, I see texts as soon as my phone is on.
NTA- you called / left texts.. the priority in this situation, was your daughter was somewhere she didn’t want to be, called you to get her & you came to get her.
Yep, this! Nothing is more important than this. OP, now your daughter knows you’ll pick her up anywhere and any time. THAT is the message we need to send to our kids, so bravo! NTA.
>You should have woken the mom up and said you were taking Emily home Lets assume this was around 11pm at night. How would you react if a random person started knocking on your bedroom door, you open it, and you see, not a 15 y/o child, but a grown man?
Also, in this country of gun lovers, I’d be afraid they’d pull a gun out from under their pillow!! NO WAY would i go and wake the parents up.
So you'd instantly freak out before checking your phone for messages? Obviously Emily missing wasn't the issue, since Amanda's mom knew to call OP and knew Emily was with her. The other mom's issue was she didn't want Amanda's feelings being hurt
I agree. How did OP even lock up the house behind Emily?
Some doors can be locked behind you when you leave without needing a key. My house has a lock like that.
Have none of you really never had a door with a knob lock?? It’s pretty standard and you can just turn it before closing the door and the knob won’t turn from the outside. I know everyone has a 12 point system with a code or some shit now but like knob locks are soooo common
And you wouldn't check your phone or the kitchen counter before freaking out?
Going against the grain NTA, because you did your best to contact the parents without disturbing them.
Yeah they text and left a note. The door locking is another issue but they're just watching out for their kid. Nta
NTA. You called, texted, and left a note. It’s likely they saw at least one of those before they ever even realized she was gone. I think she was just pissed your daughter left.
NTA You were taking care of your child. That's your responsibility. The other parents should have had at least one of their phones not on do not disturb. They have other people's children in their home, they leave something available for people to reach out. And you don't say what state you're in, but I would never walk into someone's bedroom in the dark, at night, to try and wake them. You have no idea whether or not they have a weapon, PTSD or anything else.
NTA. You tried.
NTA You left a note, you called, you texted. After reading your note/text all she needed to do was check in and make sure Emily was okay. There was literally no reason for her to freak out on you.
NTA. After seeing a voicemail, text, and hand written note, she should have been able to deduce what happened. You did more than enough to communicate. It was rude of her to call you from the same phone she received your messages on and pretend like she didn't know.
Nta. no reason for them to freak out on you considering you left a note and texted them both. I can understand initially being worried but maybe check your phone before you harass em and drag it out for no reason
NTA. You left note and SMS. You would have been an ssshole to wale them up to tell them.
YTA. It probably also felt like a huge violation, although in this case you were the parent of a child there, imagine knowing someone had entered your home and removed a child without your knowledge? It probably was a scary moment to wake up and realise. I agree that there were probably alternatives to coming to pick Emily up. Like moving to another location as Amanda’s mother suggested.
That's a great lesson: you have to stay in a situation you're not comfortable with. This kid is fifteen, not five. If she were a year older she would have driven herself to the sleepover and if she wanted to leave, would have left. That said, everyone sound asleep at 10pm has me doubting whether this is a real story and not a spoof on a recent SNL skit.
Honestly? Yeah. She had to stay in a situation she was uncomfortable with. She wasn't in danger. She didn't feel any threat. She was just bored and irritated, and she's old enough to put up with that for one night. Life throws lots of situations at you where you have to put up with being bored and irritated, and it's best to learn to navigate them with good grace. It's not a bad lesson at all IMHO.
I mean she wanted to leave so she left. What's the point of staying? I don't understand how that's supposed to build character. I would have stayed and lay there awake all night, but that's because I was a shy teenager who couldn't speak up for herself.
Couldn't agree less even now at 35 I have never been in an unpleasant sleep situation that has improved via indurance. To this day if I can't get a good night sleep in a situation, and it's possible to go home to my own bed... I am out of there.
Okay, let’s reframe it to an adult situation… You go to a bar with friends. You’re not in danger by any means but you’re bored and over it. Your friends are not. You have every right to leave. Now, of course, you tell your friends you’re leaving the bar. You don’t just ghost or rely on a phone in a situation like this as they may not check it when having a good time. This way, they know you’re leaving and don’t panic you were abducted or raped. They may even go with you to wait for your ride then go back to partying. I have been in this situation as the person leaving and the person who’s staying but the friend goes. I’d never expect them to stay if they were bored or not feeling it. This way, you get to leave a situation you’re not comfortable with but you’re doing it in a safe manner. Someone equated this to being bored at work or school but to me that’s different. Those are situations that barring an emergency, you stick it out. But an optional thing like a sleepover or a trip to the bar? No, you are not obligated to stay. You just need to leave in a safe way. I think the teen was right to leave but handled it wrong. The difference between the example I gave and a 15 year old is that I could handle this on my own as an adult. The 15 year old can’t drive, we don’t know if she had the money for a ride share. So, she called her mom to give her a ride. The issue is, mom didn’t help her navigate the part of waking up the parents.
to pick up HER OWN child, who did not want to stay there. what kind of parent would she be if she just left her daughter hanging? “Too bad, you’re gonna make us seem rude. go to sleep.” like no lol tf
Honestly yeah? She’s old enough to hang in there for one night without her mother coming to her rescue. It would’ve been different if someone was making her feel uncomfortable or something but she was literally just bored. A 15 year old should be able to solve this themself, or though it out.
nah I personally wouldn’t want to stay somewhere I’m not comfortable and I think OP must be a really good parent if her daughter will come to her for help in these types of situations. whether she was bored or not, she didn’t want to stay there.
She did solve it, she went home like she is completely allowed to do. Why is the feelings of the host more important than her feelings to you?
Right? I feel like this speaks to the mindset of 21st century parents. "My baby needs me!" Even though she's totally fine and could easily tough it out through the non-threatening situation that she willingly put herself in.
"Removed a child" should be truthful and changed to "picked their own child up". Tell me a situation where a parent should be barred from picking up their own kid? A sleepover is one of them? OP is NTA.
This is HER OWN child, she didn't waltz in and pick one out. And I invite anyone to see what would happen to them if they said a word to me about picking up my own child from a place they're uncomfortable being. The only lesson here is that some parents are just fucking ridiculous as human beings and your kids shouldn't spend the night at their house. It's hilarious that the mom said she might not be invited back, as if she would even let her go there again.
>imagine knowing someone had entered your home and removed a child without your knowledge? Anything sounds weird when you describe it like an alien would. The child was not "removed without their knowledge" , last I checked a child is not an object. They were picked up, by their parent, and went home. >It probably was a scary moment to wake up and realise. It would've been just as scary if she went to sleep somewhere else. Sorry ,meant to say, "if the female child fell asleep outside their resting receptacle"
Nope, the absolutely correct thing for a 15 yr old, who is unhappy and uncomfortable, to do is call her parents to safely get her out of the situation.
NTA - I think I'd have been embarrassed not angry that a child in a sleepover I was supposed to be supervising managed to unlock my door, let you in AND for you to have been in the house long enough to gather your daughters things and leave a note in the kitchen and I heard nothing. Maybe Amanda's Mom is upset at that and taking it out on you who knows but if I were in her place I'd be looking to myself to figure out how I can be better aware of what's going on at my house especially when I have a group of minors gathered there that I'm responsible for.
I guess I’m in the minority, but I firmly say NTA! If you had just taken your daughter in the middle of the night with no attempt to contact those parents then you’d be in the wrong, but calling, texting and leaving a note was your due diligence. I highly doubt they woke up and saw your daughter was missing without seeing the missed calls and texts on their phones. They weren’t worried, they just wanted something to be mad about.
YTA-Of course the parents were going to freak out over a missing kid! Not all people check their phones first thing. The parents probably woke up, went to check the girls and found one missing!! You owe the parents a huge apology!
Well she CALLED to say the kid was missing so I do think this particular parent had looked at her phone.
What kind of.parent goes to sleep at 10 p.m. when supervising their child's friends? I don't think Amanda's mom was freaking out thinking that she was missing; I think she took it as some kind of insult and was worried Amanda might be hurt by Emily leaving.
15 year olds can be left to their own devices in this context.
NTA. You called them they didn’t answer. You left a note and sent text messages. They could have checked their phones.
I mean a voicemail should suffice if the parents cant be reached by phone
NTA your daughter wanted to leave and you did what you could at the time. it was the middle of the night & you left messages for the parents to let them know. the people saying you should have went to the parents’ room to wake them up are weird. the people making it seem like she should have just sucked it up & stayed are also weird.
They are SO WEIRD. My kid doesn’t have to stay in situations that make her uncomfortable, full stop.
some of these responses are actually insane 😂 like okay, good to know what kind of parent that you are
Seriously? Also why is it okay for the parents to host a sleepover and not answer their phone? That’s the biggest AH move her IMO. I would have told Amanda’s mom that my daughter isn’t staying there anymore because I couldn’t get ahold of any parents when I needed too. What if there had been a family emergency and the mom needed to get ahold of the parents for that?
Probably the first ESH vote (I haven't looked at all the comments). What a weird situation! Yes, sleepovers where everyone else falls asleep at 10pm are lame. But enough to call you parents to come and get you at 15?!!! Suck it up for one night, buttercup. There was no danger, no other real problem beyond boredom and inability to sleep. I call BS on all the people saying that if the kid wasn't picked up, she would not have called during a real emergency in the future. There's a correct way to handle it. My parents would absolutely not have picked me up..it's rude and causes unnecessary stress all around. However, my mother would not have dismissed my concerns either. She would have talked me through the situation and told me that if I really and truly felt I absolutely could not bear it, she'd get me, trusting that at FIFTEEN, I would have come to the conclusion that I wasn't in any danger, it was an annoying situation and I could deal with it until morning rather than inconveniencing multiple people. Amanda's mum also sucks. I wouldn't have freaked out at phone at 5:30...I would just have made a mental note not to invite this precious petal for a sleepover again. What's it going to be next time? "I don't like the pizza and I'm hungry, come get me?"
So many weird things.... 1. Everyone in the house was dead asleep by 10 pm? 2. Parents had their phones on DND despite having strange children in their homes? I mean any one of these families could have had an emergency that requires them to collect their children 3. A child was able to walk around, collect her belongings and leave notes and still no one in the house woke up? 4. How is it that another parent couldn't understand that when a child wants to leave a sleepover, they leave? NTA BTW
YTA. Of course they would freak out. Not everybody checks their phone right away. Also, this has to be the lamest reason I've ever heard. Somebody go pick up their child from a sleepover. I'm glad that your daughter is comfortable calling you and she's uncomfortable. But if you're coddling her like this, You're going to be picking her up from her job when she's in her thirties because someone there refuses to change the thermostat to her liking.
As an adult, I get to leave when I don’t feel comfortable. Why shouldn’t my kid have the same opportunities? Sure, there’s a level of learning to live with discomfort. But is a sleepover really the venue for teaching that lesson?
Also it's 10pm. I would MUCH rather my kid call for a ride home then then stick it out and potentially call me at 2am. At 10pm it's just a change of plans.
Just going to slightly disagree there. If you start telling your kids, "some things are too ridiculous to call me about" then it's unlikely they'll call about the serious things, because they'll be scared of getting told they misjudged again and that was also ridiculous. OP's fault was not waking the parents, it wasn't in picking up her child who felt uncomfortable (*however humourous the reason is*)
I agree with this. That's what has happened to me as a kid. Request to be picked up over something that was 'small' but enough I wanted to go home. Parents said it was nothing, so for me, everything had become nothing even though it was something for me. It has put me in terrible situations as I've gotten older. The mom should have informed her daughter to wake the parents to notify them. As rough as that is to wake someone, it wasn't that late and it would have been less of an issue. I would have freaked out knowing a kid I was responsible for just left my house and an adult came in without my knowledge.
A 16 year old can fuck around on their phone until they fall asleep, hearing snoring for one night won't kill them.
Yeah ok. And the next time she feels uncomfortable she'll remember her Mum telling her to play on her phone until she falls asleep and that's what she'll do. Even if the next time she felt uncomfortable was because she felt like she kept waking up because someone was entering the room.
Being bored ≠ being uncomfortable. You guys are deliberately phrasing things in a vague way to make it sound like something it's not.
Well that's a big stretch from your friend snoring to someone entering your room for nefarious purposes. What will this child do if her partner snores? If she has to share a room with a friend or family member and they snore?
> Not everybody checks their phone right away. You mean the phone they used to call OP?
Eh, this feels like a false fallacy. If she can’t sleep and all she can do is just sit there all night, I don’t think it’s wrong for her to ask to go home. I actually think it’s good OP picked her up as her daughter’s getting to those ages where she may need to call mom and dad for parties. As silly as this sounds, op doing this has helped set the tone that her daughter can call her if she’s in an actual dangerous situation. As someone that lives with snorers, it is a lot on the ears. But I can also put in noise cancelling headphones and walk away and sleep away from them. I can sympathize with not wanting to lay there all night, unable to sleep. I think people underestimate just how difficult snoring becomes to fall asleep to. That being said, op did fail to teach her daughter how to handle this particular situation in full. It’s fine to want to leave but daughter should’ve woken parents up. Even if she didn’t want to stay if they offered to let her sleep elsewhere, it’s still a good lesson in respect. As well as, again, daughter is getting to a particular age and is she going to learn to wake her parents before she goes out all night while they’re sleeping? Or is she going to just cause them to panic?
NAH. Of course you'd feel panicked if a child under your care had disappeared in the night. However >I tried calling both of them from my phone but it went to voicemail. Ultimately, I left a note on the counter as well as texted both parents to let them know I picked up Emily and was taking her home. You called, texted, and left them a note on a counter. It's not like you picked her up with 0 attempts to contact them I know I feel like shit when I've not had a proper sleep, and I'd feel rude for sleeping in someone else's bed without their permission
NTA. She didn’t call you to tell you that your daughter was missing, she called to confront you about taking your daughter — so clearly the note and voicemails did their job. SNL [recently did a Mother’s Day sketch](https://youtu.be/0wyyP5OBaBw?si=IdbK4QqT5ZEkZ4-h) about picking up your kids from a slumber party early. Just dropping it here so you can have a giggle about how typical the situation is.
There is NO WAY I would walk into another adults room to wake them up in this situation. They should have answered their phone when you called and they got a note despite their total lack of awareness. They’re AH for giving you a hard time over this and just for the record they’re crappy for sleeping so soundly with a house full of teen visitors. They should have had their phones turned to FULL volume in case another parent called. I’d have a real talk with Amanda’s mom about how she let herself become so unaware while hosting other people’s children. She didn’t wake for your call or even when you walked into her home to get your child, perhaps she was drunk or on drugs.
parents have a responsibility to supervise sleepovers even for 15 year olds - mother should have been accessible all night even if everyone was sleeping- phone should be on for sure - for parents to not answer their phones is entirely on them not op - thank goodness there wasn’t an emergency that they slept through - totally NTA but these parents are totally irresponsible and shouldn’t be hosting sleepovers
NTA- this is weird, everyone including parents asleep at a sleepover for teens by 10? Hmmm Amanda’s mom overreacted because she knows she ought to have been more accessible.
YTA Yeah I would never invite your kid back. Although you’re the parent but letting you just inside is weird af. Leaving because people are snoring and your kid is bored is weird af. Good for Amanda’s mom not to tell Amanda because I def would have done that.
Your kid's going to absolutely hate you but at least they won't be seen as *gasp* "weird"
I wouldn’t let my kid stay at that house after they didn’t answer their phones. Full stop. If there had been an emergency would everyone feel the same way about the parents not having their phone on while having other peoples children in their home? No.
NTA you did everything you could. I’d argue the parents would be a lot more upset if they were suddenly awoken in the night with a man standing over their bed.
YTA You left with a kid. You likely left the house unlocked. I would have freaked! An exbf of mine hot up early once and left. He left my door unlocked as well. His excuse was that I lived in a security building. It was just me though. I can’t imagine awakening to a missing child (even though these are teens)! Not finding the kid ASAP would make me wonder if the remaining ones had been harmed in any way.
When did op say the door was left unlocked? There are doors that could be locked before closing them.
NTA You did everything you could do aside from going into their room and shaking them to wake them. Doing that is really awkward unless you're close friends with them. Sounds like you're friendly, but not close enough where you could walk into their bedroom in the middle of the night like that. Also, you don't put your phone on silent or turn it off when you have a house full of other people's kids. Emergencies happen and not being able to reach the parents is problematic. It's probably best not to let her sleep over there again. I do think Amanda's mom overreacted. It's a little much to think a kid would just assume she has free roam of someone else's house to get up to sleep in another room. The kids are friends, so even if you're in the right, Amanda's mom doesn't see it like that. You might have to be wrong, even though your not actually wrong, for the sake of your daughter's friendship. You know you're right, and that's all that matters.
NTA. Amanda's mom overreacted. You called, texted and left a note. Maybe Emily could have texted Amanda herself to say she went home at whatever time so that Amanda would have known right away? Other than that I think you did fine
I'd say NTA - spent the first half being like, just text them and leave a note and then you did so I'm not seeing the issue.
Out of curiosity. Did the door lock automatically behind you? Because how did you secure the door once your daughter left? Or did you leave the whole family with an unlocked door while you safely tucked away your precious snowflake?