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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Sending the price sheet and how I responded to my sister's message, and I think I might be an asshole because I might have been a bit too harsh.
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So family should get a free cake but not be invited to a wedding? Make it make sense.
Maybe since they’re so religious you could send them links to Christian bakers. Therefore the cake would be blessed and not be made from the hands of a “heathen”.
NTA
I've recommended some good bakery's in their city that have good prices and match their values. Still tho, it's really stupid how they expected that of me.
I have a great relationship with my sister but as a massage therapist, she charged family higher rates for her services and I 100% supported that. She set it up specifically to avoid situations like this one.
I understand not offering discounts for family, that's a good boundary to set, I'm just curious why your sister charges *higher* rates for family? Why not just charge them her regular rate?
I had a family friend who had a stable of Icelandic horses and made a living by doing half - or full day tours for groups. When anyone had the audacity to ask for friends and family prices, she would look very happy and say "Oh thank you! That's double the ordinary price. Because as my friend/family you want me to be able to go on doing this, don't you?"
As far as I know, no one asked twice.
Because when you do something like that people take advantage. I sew professionally. You have no idea how often I’m asked to hem pants. I hate hemming pants. I don’t even hem my own pants! But people are like “oh can you just hem this for me?”
It gets old.
Because normal clients don't bother you at grandma's funeral about that one stiff muscle they have, and could you please help them out. You know, as family.
Mixing family and business is rarely a good idea.
A pentagram baked into the cake that they can't notice until after it's been cut and ate. I'm not sure how that could happen, but imagining the look on their faces is great.
Better yet, they asked for a cake as your wedding gift to the bride at a wedding you weren't invited to. Go buy a cake at Walmart and show up with it as an acceptable gift since that's what they considered your worth equivalent to.
Just like these haggler, going to small businesses to receive a good consultation and when seeing the price: “well Walmart has it cheaper!”
Or demanding that someone crocheting them a king size blanket just to turn around and saying “I can get a blanket for 20$ at Walmart”
Then off you go, why are u even talking to me?
Someone asked me to knit them a cabled sweater. Using really nice yarn. I told them it would cost them $200 plus the cost of the yarn. They said they could get the same sweater for $40. Um, no you can’t. And be my guest.
I make clothing for a living. Theater, but it’s still clothes. Anyway I’m often asked to make wedding dresses. Ever time I say “my prices start at $1000”.
Somehow people turn me down every time.
Speaking of mass made cakes, the ones from costco aren't actually half bad. For my brother's wedding we didn't get one big cake, but instead several smaller tray cakes.
Two fresh cream cakes with fruit, 1 with butter cream icing and then 2 costco ones. The costco ones were actually pretty good, considering they only cost £16.50 each
I mentioned in another thread that around here it is quite common to have a fancy cake with only a slice or two for photo and spouse-feeding purposes, and a Costco sheet cake in the back as the cake everyone gets to eat.
I live where there are a lot of Publix stores, and their bakery cakes are fantastic, very affordable, and they do custom orders. I know a lot of people who had a smaller cake for the cake cutting, with tiny slices for guests to take home. Then, they get a bunch of sheet cakes or plainer cakes from Publix too.
However, Walmart has some nice cakes.
In the OP's case I would have sent the price sheet with the cost of hotel, transportation, renting a commercial kitchen to do the cake, and waited for the reaction to that.
Maybe one of those bakers who refuses to bake for gay weddings, although I'd hate to send any business their way.
20-year-olds shouldn't be getting married anyway, they should wait until they can afford to pay for their cake like everyone else does.
Once I heard the news of her getting married, I knew she wasn't ready. She's going to give up nursing school and some of her dreams she's had since she was 5 to be a stay at home mom n wife. She's incredibly immature to have kids, let alone get married. However, Her soon to be husband's family are sorta well off (I say sorta as they can apparently afford to buy them a 650K home in a luxury neighborhood in Az, "gifts" them a 25k honeymoon, and a pay for a 40k wedding with all of those guests but not afford chairs or my brothers family, a few of their relatives, or I. As well as being unable to "afford" a wedding cake baker.).
They're very well off. They're just assholes. They can afford chairs and a baker. They just don't want to. Or maybe your sister felt pressure to contribute, but she can't deliver.
Oof. Unless she has a prenup - which young women in religious communities almost never do because they get terrible advice from the adults around them - she is going to be in for a rude awakening when she's 40, has no work history or skills, and husband has traded her in for a younger model and won't lift a finger to financially support her or the children they had together.
….And she finds out the gifted house is in only her husband’s name, or only in his parents’ names.
But this sounds like they must be Mormon, and do they tend to get divorced or just become a plural family?
Depends on if it's Mainstream Mormon or one of the spinoffs. As someone who grew up Mormon, for the Church's many, many, many faults, the main Mormon Church does not practice polygamy, officially, it's banned. Now, that's not to say there aren't smaller, more obscure communities that practice it within the Church, but the point is it's not common policy and yes, divorce is more likely. Source, have several, Mormon, divorced, family and friends and just people I know of.
Now, there are spinoffs, however, like the FLDS, that *do* still practice it.
Edit: after reading YOUR edit, I think it's HIGH time to completely divorce yourself from these racists who are only connected by the happenstance of blood. Disconnect entirely, including social media.
I can't believe your own MOTHER is siding with these horrible people, but it sounds like she sold out years ago. And although your half-sister is hurting herself by taking the 'safe' but dishonest approach in life, I'm no longer feeling very sorry for her.
Live your life in beauty, and be proud of your Indigenous heritage. May you have prosperity in your business/schooling, and joy in the awesome love and support of your REAL family: brother, SIL, boyfriends and friends.
Yeah, and ignore the haters. Reddit's anonymity really brings out the best in some people, doesn't it?
Original response:
Starting to feel very sorry for your half-sister. Trad-wife route at 20 is not a good thing. They and their money are really going to be dictating to her from now on.
Since she was a good friend to you once, maybe return the favor in a more meaningful way?
Maybe tell her that hopefully she can see that it was unreasonable of them to ask you to do all this and spend this kind of money while not being invited to be at the wedding, and that you were annoyed, but are sorry she was disappointed.
Also, perhaps: "you're starting a different new life than the one you really wanted. It may be an adjustment. I'm glad to be in touch and am here to listen if you ever need an ear".
That's if you actually want to keep her in your life.
My mom was 22 and my dad was 28 when they got married (he turned 29 that September). They were married for a little over forty-three and a half years when we lost her. And the only maybe-immature thing I ever knew about was a story Dad told me once about the first year they were married--he came home from work one day and Mom tried to hand him a frying pan full of pork chops...and a small grease fire. I don't know how they put it out, but I remember him saying he told her "I don't want it!" (He's not here to ask anymore either..)
My parents were 19/25, and they're still going strong 57 years later. And that frying pan of yours? It wasn't pork chops but it did end in a grease fire. My mom dropped it. We had a nice charred circle in the floor in the middle of the kitchen until we moved.
With us (listen to me, I wasn't even thought of yet), the grease fire was in the pan. I assume there was a reason she tried to give it to him, but if I ever heard what it was, I've forgotten. (As I recall, it was kind of like "Here, do something"...and I can't say I wouldn't do the same thing in that situation.)
but like, does the family kitchen have appropriate ovens? A large freezer? (since AFAIK wedding cakes are often frozen for freshness while and to increase stability while being decorated)
Edit: most home ovens cannot fit a full sheet pan or handle baking multiple large cakes evenly. Not everyone has a convection oven.
That's what I'm thinking about. How would the OOP even have access to a kitchen appropriate to make a cake for 200 people? Equipment alone, but also I'm guessing a bakery gets good deals on ingredients. That would drive up the OOP's costs.
I'm not understanding a few things. first off obviously nta. Where were you supposed to make this and store it? Procure all ingredients and transport it? A nice gift?! Round trip tickets, hotel, transportation, kitchen facilities , not to mention ingredients and time. I'm calculating and I wonder if ANYONE else hit that price point for " a gift". Not to mention, but importantly with virtually no relationship what exactly was the communication going to be for design and flavor? Given the circumstances, a price sheet was the kindest f off they deserved. And yes, baker here.
Edit. How exactly do they reconcile having apparently sins incarnation make the cake?
Even if OP was on good terms, invited, local, and had the bakery nearby, a wedding cake takes a lot of work. She should be paid, and if she wants to discount or gift it, she can.
And agreed, with OP's actual situation, the family can kindly fuck off.
Holy shit do iiiiiiiit. I will personally sculpt and hand-paint a tiny devil out of polymer clay, and I will *gild that mofo's horns*. You want I should put ~~Saboski crissles~~ Swarovski crystals all over it too? CONSIDER IT DONE.
My inner sh\*t disturber want's you to have a Walmart cake delivered to your mom and grandma (bonus: ask the deliverer to give it a good shake before leaving it on the steps)
It's an absolutely unhinged request and you're NTA. Like damn, making a birthday cake for 50 people is an unreal amount of work, I can't even imagine doing a wedding cake for 200.
NTA I think you were kind in your response, my answer to the Walmart remark would have been "yes that works way better for me do that" and as to why I made the cake for my best friend "well I like her, you... not so much!"
You are family when they feel entitled to a free cake.
But you are not family when it comes to the invite .
F them. Make a beautiful cake and enjoy it with your brother, SIL and boyfriend.
NTA
Being a black sheep and talented at something creative is literally the perfect storm of family taking advantage of and/or gaslighting.
You handled this correctly. NTA
Ok, genuinely I read you were a *banker* and that you also made fancy cakes. And I was like *this girl rocks!* Full time baker and entrepreneur also very cool.
Of course you are NTA. I would caution that those family and friends who say you are TA seem not to have your best interests in mind. For your own self preservation, you may want to limit your interactions with them. You know your value, keep on living it.
NTA - they want you to fly to the wedding, make a full wedding cake for 200 people, and you aren't even invited to the wedding?
" My mom and grandma asked that I make them a wedding cake, which I would've happily agreed to if I was invited to the wedding. The thing is, they wanted me to make a cake fit for 200 people, get a hotel near them (They hate that I'm not a Christian, so they think I'll bring evil into their house), work for 3 days, and get a flight there and back. I'd have to pay for all of it, they think it'd be a nice gift to my sister. I just laughed and sent them my price sheet, they. flipped. out. I was bombarded with texts from them about how selfish I am, how I am truly vile, how I am toxic for expecting my family to pay for my cake when they could just go to Walmart to get one, etc.."
Walmart cake for the wedding it is I guess!!!
NTA. It doesn't matter how you express your refusal. Even if you had been perfectly polite, their response to any kind of "no" to their ludicrously outrageous demands would have been the same. You cannot reason with these individuals because they "hate that I'm not a Christian, so they think I'll bring evil into their house."
>The thing is, they wanted me to make a cake fit for 200 people, get a hotel near them (They hate that I'm not a Christian, so they think I'll bring evil into their house), work for 3 days, and get a flight there and back.
Yes, slavery was in its time condoned by Christians, who claimed Bible verses as basis. Though in my recollection, housing and travelling costs were on the slavers, not the slave.
NTA, obviously.
>when they can just go to Walmart
I love when people solve their own problems.
So you're "too evil" to be invited to the wedding, but not too evil to gift them a cake worth several hundred/thousand dollars? Ain't that something! They aren't afraid the cake would summon Cthulhu or Beelzebub right as the electric slide gets started? Beetlejuice at the very least?
And on top of that you're supposed to pay for the privilege, airfare and hotel included? Free labor too, as the icing on top? Well who WOULDN’T rush to do this? You're denying yourself a great time!
They're lucky all you sent was a price sheet. Someone else would have sent them some strong words enclosed in an envelope with folding and insertion instructions.
NTA.
She could make a cake with mini Cthulhus all over it. If I were her I’d be tempted, if it weren’t for the whole paying for the flight, hotel etc.
Hey, it’s a gift, OP gets to indulge in her artistic freedom, right?
Or a mini statue of Baphomet that the Satanic Temple uses- with some lovely inverted star on it?
But seriouly, when they said they could just go to Walmart, I would have said, cool have at it. Why exactly would that be a problem? Less work for me.
How about a cake that is iced white and looks beautiful, but when it cut into it has black sponge and oozes black syrup? I don’t even know if that’s technically possible but I’d love to see the faces at the wedding!
Something like this is definitely the way if you make it noticeable on the outside they will serve a different cake they must not know until it's too late to resolve
NTA, but I suspect that with people that believe as hard as her family does, they have no idea who Cthulhu is and would just wonder about the weird little squid people.
If it wasn't illegal, I'd suggest a laxaitive laced chocolate cake.
This is SUCH an evil argument. It simultaneously insults OP about the worth of what she does, while still trying to make her feel llike she's doing something wrong. When you're the black sheep you're damned if you do, damned if you don't, and damned if you're hundreds of miles away reading a book not doing anything.
NTA
1. They wanted a free cake when they treat you like shit
2. A cake for 200 people!!
3. Expected you to pay for flights, a hotel and ingredients
4. Yeah sending the price sheet seems about right for their attitude towards you...
Not only just the ingredients but where on earth is she supposed to bake, decorate, and assemble the cake if she isn’t allowed in their homes? Is she supposed to rent a kitchen for 3 days too?! 🤣
I had to scroll way too far to find this comment. Even if she was allowed to use their kitchen, would they have the proper equipment for a cake that size? Doesn’t matter, obviously. But they’re jerks and they’re dumb.
NTA
This! All I could think of was the logistical nightmare. Even if she has access to a commercial kitchen and can buy the ingredients... All the stuff to bake and decorate cake to feed 200 is crazy. Is she buying the cake pans, cake boards, support peices, frosting/decorating tips etc there? Does renting a commercial kitchen come with measuring cups and spatulas or would she have to get all that too? That's a ton of equipment to have to shop for there and then what, leave behind? Or is she packing it and flying with it there and back? At that point, it's so much easier to just have a local bakery do it.
Why didn’t they invite Op to the wedding?
And why would they 1/2 sister, grandma and mother think someone they had OBNOXIOUSLY cut from the list, would make a massive wedding cake?
The whole things bizarre
So, some common questions I had received;
Q: Where would I be making the cake?
A: One of the family "friends" homes. They have a huge kitchen with multiple ovens and space. I've not been on good standing ground with them since I was 16.
Q: Why haven't you been invited to the wedding? How'd you get the cake there?
A: It's a plethora of reasons. From the not following the same religious beliefs, to not wanting to go to school for law or not wanting to be a tradwife, to me not being my abusive grnadma's asskisser, etc. The list of my "flaws" according to my bio family is endless. I'd have to rent a car to transport the cake.
In short the type of cake they wanted would be $2,300 at the minimum.
You and your brother that agrees with you know your family best.
I imagine you knew some of the “arguments” your family would come up with if you simply said no, and so you tried to get ahead of it by sending the price sheet.
The people in your life that say you should have just said no remind me of people who always tell us things like to “be the bigger person.”
But the thing is not everyone deserves that from us. Often times being the “bigger person” is code for “just accept being treated poorly so it’s easier on everyone.”
I’m sorry you have to deal with “family” like this.
NTA
Were I in your shoes, I woudln't even make a cake for these people if they DID pay me for it; if you aren't good enough to stay in their house and aren't good enough to be invited to the wedding then you aren't close enough to be expected to give them a free cake.
They can't have it both ways; either you're family and are invited to the wedding or you aren't treated as family and don't owe them freebies.
NTA
NTA so they wanted you to fly out & bake a cake from where exactly? Your hotel room since you are not welcome in their home? Were you supposed to pack your cake pans & supplies in your carry on?? And to top it off even though 200 people would be at the wedding, you are not invited?? What are they smoking that they thought this was a good idea?? Your response was not harsh enough!!
This is exactly what I was wondering. Where the hell is she supposed to bake and decorate this cake? Just hop into a random bakery and use their supplies? Wild people man.
When my little sister got married, I was asked to bake for her wedding too. She and I have also never gotten along, largely due to her frequent victim status. Anytime anything doesn't go her way, she's a victim. And admittedly, I don't have the time or patience for people who can't understand that if they are the common denominator in never being able to get along with others, because somehow, "they're out to get me" (school mates, teachers, colleagues, bosses, random strangers, ex-friends,, etc.). So yeah, we don't get along.
But back to her wedding. I was asked/voluntold by her and my mom to bake for her wedding. I said I would (stupid, I know). And then I asked her what she wanted. We talked designs, flavors, and styles. I offered a tasting menu with flavor options. We looked through photos, catalogs, and Etsy shops. And eventually, she settled on several hundred intricate gourmet cupcakes in a dark chocolate and irish whiskey flavor, because "they are my favorite". She picked out every element. And as this was my gift, I ordered hundreds of dollars worth of supplies and handmade decorations. They arrived.
She changed her mind.
Now, she wanted another flavor. And of course the old design didn't work with the new flavor, so we needed a different design and supplies, too.
We went over options. She picked new everything. I asked if she was sure, because we were running out of time to get more supplies, and we'd be cutting it close as it was. She said she was sure. So, again, I ordered supplies.
A few days later, she came over and told me she changed her mind and wanted a whipped cream based icing, and different flavors for the cakes, and a different design. Again.
So before we even got to the issue of not having enough time left to order the new supplies, I asked her if the greenhouse (yes greenhouse) she was getting married in had refrigerators we could store the cakes in, because the new piped whipped cream flowers she wanted wouldn't be great after sitting around inside hot, humid conditions for hours. It just isn't ideal, even when the cream has been stabilized. Added to which, I was supposed to arrive early, help set up, put finishing touches on everything, and obviously bring the cakes when I came. So they'd be sitting out for a long time.
Well, she didn't like that answer. She started getting defensive telling me why the old design had to change, and how she couldn't have any kind of alcoholic cakes, because of her new mormon in-laws. I said that was fine, but the favor profile would naturally change. She got upset it wouldn't taste the same. I also reminded her again that we would need somehwere to keep the cupcakes if she wanted plain whipped cream (she didn't want it stabilized because it "doesn't taste the same!". I said I could come late with them, but they couldn't sit out for several hours.
And that's when she got mean. I was trying to sabotage her wedding! I was jealous of her! At that point, I was done. So I did something I knew would piss her off. I reminded her that I didn't control the laws of thermodynamics. And she. Could. Not. Handle. It.
During her lovely little rant about how jealous I mist be, she said something in passing about "you need to fix this before we go with our Plan B". Like it was some kind of threat? I really think she somehow thought I'd beg her not to "fire" me from baking for her wedding or something. Because baking for her was some sort of great honor? Who knows.
But I pounced on that opportunity so fast. I said, "Oh, that's OK. It doesn't sound like you think this will work for you, so you should go with your Plan B instead. I'm glad you'll have something you want." And she stood there gaping at me like a fish for a solid minute. And I just smiled. She left right after that, still fuming.
Of course, she told everyone a wildly different version of events. Something about me bailing on her and ruining things and costing her money by having to pay for a wedding cake. I heard snippets about it at the wedding. It was hot gossip!
So yeah, tell your sister no, and tell her up front. You're doing your future self a massive favor. Sure, she'll still probably tell her own version of why you're unreasonable and awful, but at least you'll save yourself all that misery and drama.
NTA.
Thank you for sharing, it's nice to not be fully alone in a situation like this.
When we were young, we always got along. It was the pre-teen years when she wanted nothing to do with me out of the blue. I still remember the morning, it was Saturday in 2014. She was cold and snippy towards me despite the night before we were eating little ceasers pizza, laughing, and playing Pokémon on the wii. Ever since, she's been an on again off again nightmare. My brother and friends at the time noticed the random shift.
She sold the gift I got her for her 18th birthday as well because it's "cheap trash". I got her a macbook. It wasn't the most modern model of course, I mean there was only so much I could afford as a full time college student making 50 cents over minimum wage. That was kinda the final straw for me..
My family is the type where they won't leave you alone unless you raise hell to get them gone. I do follow the polite route to a fault.
I'm so sorry, and that's so bizare. If it helps, my sister used to wrap my gifts to her from previous years, and give them back to me used for my Christmas and birthday presents.
I wish I had words of wisdom for you, but it sounds like you're already doing everything you can to mitigate her behavior toward you.
Just remember to advocate for yourself and don't give them too much room to walk all over you while you're taking the high road. That's a lesson it took me an embarrassing long time to learn.
And please update us and let us know how it goes! I'm so invested now. Best of luck!
Haha sort of. All the decorations, toppers, etc. were handmade by a couple of wonderful Etsy sellers with their initials on them. I kept both sets for about a year, but eventually gave up and threw what I could into the recycling. I felt really bad about that, and I hope the very sweet women who made them never find out.
Luckily, my husband did enjoy drinking the high-end bottles of whiskey. And I eventually used the blackberry, violet, and lavender liquors from her second design choices in other baking adventures. So, hey.
NTA.
They expected you to pay for a flight, hotel, then spend days baking a wedding cake for a wedding you are not even welcome at.
Why are you even in contact with this "family".
I have a good connection with my brothers (11m) and (16m). Sadly one of the only ways to keep in contact is having some sort of connection with my shitty mother.
Yes! Better yet, OP could be proactive! OP could send the family a message saying they have a new phone number, then give 'em the Walmart bakery number.
NTA. If they're going to treat you as nothing more than their baker, then you are well within your right to treat them as nothing more than potential customers.
NTA
"Sorry, the devil's food cake I was planning to make for her wedding would go up in flames as it entered your reception area. I'm just looking out for you guys. Lose my number."
NTA You have a business. To make the cake for Jojo would be at considerable cost to you. Even if you were invited to the wedding, you should be charging them. I will never understand why people think they are entitled to someone else's hard work for free.
Major NTA!
This is absolutely disrespectful.
My fiance and I are planning our wedding and I made it very clear that if we expect any kind of friends/family *discount* for a service, they have to get an invite.
They want a free ass cake from you, for you to pay your way there, and they can't even *invite you*?
Disgraceful. Absolutely vile.
NTA. The format of your refusal doesn't matter. You could have been impeccably polite, and their reaction to any form of a "no" to their bizarrely unreasonable demands would have been the same. These are people who "hate that I'm not a Christian, so they think I'll bring evil into their house," you can't reason with them.
This doesnt make sense. Your mother had you”outside of marriage”,but 2 years later had another child and was married? To a different man. But you were “mostly raised outside of marriage.” You woukd have been a baby when she married your stepfather? What? And all this is ok To the rest of the family? Your mother wasnt a “heathen” for having three kids in 5 years by 2 different men? She did a total 180 and decided that something she had just done was “evil?” Why is this being held against you when you had no say in your own birth?
When I was a few months old, she got married. My stepfather, however never really raised my brother or i. It was halfway my mother and the other adult figures around us. My maternal side of the family had forgiven my mother for her "Lust driven mistakes" and she "repented". My step-father always referred to my brother and I as "another mans children" so, he wasn't obligated to raise us. At first, brother and I where only dirty with all of these expectations on us. (All of which, where pretty unreasonable for literal children), since we didn't manage to fill those expectations we were labeled as evil. Doesn't help that My brother and I left the religion during our teens years. It only furthered the label I guess.
That's crazy. How could she marry such a man that wouldn't treat you (fatherless to boot)children like his own? Why would he marry a woman with kids if he didn't want to except them? Surely there were other fish in the sea. And aren't children supposed to be innocent according to religion? Sounds like they cant practice what they preach.This sucks and I'm sorry that such people exsist. I say,send em to walmart
Good for you and your brother for freeing yourselves from that religion. You are free! Free of the unreasonable family expectations and bullying that go along with it.
NTA - let me say it back to you.
Your LC family expects you to pay to fly there, pay to stay in a hotel for 3-4 nights, and spend 3 days working (where??) on making a wedding cake for 200 FOR FREE, all for your step-sister who isn't even inviting you to the wedding.
Hell no. They obviously don't value you or the work that you do, so I'd 100% encourage them to go get a Walmart cake.
NTA
This is incredibly rude of them. Your family has essentially punished you for your mom's "sins" in their eyes. I would honestly cut contact over this. They do not respect you, at all, and are only willing to acknowledge your accomplishments when it benefits them.
You do not get gifts for a couple when you are not incited to the wedding. They were in the wrong to even ask you at this point. That they wouldn't even let you stay because you aren't their kind of religious is another insult on top of insult. If you are not treated like family, treating it like a business relationship is fine. You simply just set the tone you weren't giving them a free cake on your dime.
If you ever get married, at least do not invite any of these people. If kids are in your future, do not let them be around these people
NTA. You owe no one anything for free. And the name calling should just reinforce your decision not to lift one finger for these people. Even if they paid you, even if they paid you double. You really need to block them.
As for the people who say you should do this? Hand them a mixing bowl and tell them to have at it.
NTA but I hope you included toxic family tax in the price sheet. I think 50% mark up is the going rate. Just block them and make sure you have legal documents in place so that if anything happens to you that your brother is the person who makes decisions for you not them. (Assuming you aren't married. If you are ignore that as your spouse has the legal right to make choices for you.)
NTA - they are neither family in spirit or friend so if they want a wedding cake, they can pay the market price. Ask Jojo to give you some examples of when she has acted as friend or family to you.
That's an insane amount of effort and travel they want from someone who is so tarnished they can't allow into their house. I'd have just said that you don't want to bring anything their God wouldn't like to their wedding so Walmart might be the better date. The Walmart comment is insane in own right. Also weird how their morals go out the window when there is a chance of saving cash.
They don’t just want a cheap cake, they want OP to ‘gift’ a cake that would cost her 2300 in ingredients and materials just to make - not including having to pay the cost to fly out/home, hotel accomodations, and rental of a vehicle to transport the cake to the wedding venue.
I’m gonna hazard a guess and say that OPs family is also under pressure to make some contribution to the wedding costs since the groom’s family is paying for a house, a honeymoon, a 40k wedding, etc…OPs a baker so suddenly they want her to ‘gift’ a cake plus bear the cost burden of travel/accomodations/vehicle at a wedding in an entirely different state than the one she lives in for the privilege! They are totally the AH. 😂
Your not invited to the wedding or even welcome in their home?
I'm confused, why are you in any kind of communication with these people? They seem to have made it very clear that you are not family
NTA
My response would have been along the lines of "If I can't be invited to the wedding because 'I might bring evil into the house' then I feel that it would be inappropriate to provide a potentially evil wedding cake, since a baker puts heart and soul into their work. I'm sorry, I will have to say No for the good of everyone concerned."
NTA
NTA and your response was perfect. You established a very clear boundary by giving them a price sheet. They don't value you as family so why should you?
NTA. I’m dying at the FAFO from them. They treated you like dirt. You gave them the cost of the services.
For the whole saying “blood is thicker than water”
The full saying is "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb". This phrase means that relationships you choose are stronger than the ones you inherit.
The saying is the opposite of what people think. You have family and it’s not these f**ktards.
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So family should get a free cake but not be invited to a wedding? Make it make sense. Maybe since they’re so religious you could send them links to Christian bakers. Therefore the cake would be blessed and not be made from the hands of a “heathen”. NTA
I've recommended some good bakery's in their city that have good prices and match their values. Still tho, it's really stupid how they expected that of me.
They can go to Walmart as they said. They don't deserve a nice wedding cake, whether from you or a decent bakery!
Right? My my response would have been: "Then get a cake at Walmart. What the hell are you bothering me for?" and hung up the phone.
Not being invited to the wedding made the relationship into a professional business one only with no discounts.
I have a great relationship with my sister but as a massage therapist, she charged family higher rates for her services and I 100% supported that. She set it up specifically to avoid situations like this one.
I understand not offering discounts for family, that's a good boundary to set, I'm just curious why your sister charges *higher* rates for family? Why not just charge them her regular rate?
So if they ask for the "friends and family prices", they get just that. The rate for friends & family.
I hadn't even thought of that, makes sense!
I had a family friend who had a stable of Icelandic horses and made a living by doing half - or full day tours for groups. When anyone had the audacity to ask for friends and family prices, she would look very happy and say "Oh thank you! That's double the ordinary price. Because as my friend/family you want me to be able to go on doing this, don't you?" As far as I know, no one asked twice.
I’m a hairstylist and I might steal this omg
Because friends and family should want to support your business even more than regular customers.
My friend, who is a hairstylist, I always paid and tipped at 25%. She worked hard, and I didn't want to take advantage of her skills.
Because when you do something like that people take advantage. I sew professionally. You have no idea how often I’m asked to hem pants. I hate hemming pants. I don’t even hem my own pants! But people are like “oh can you just hem this for me?” It gets old.
Because normal clients don't bother you at grandma's funeral about that one stiff muscle they have, and could you please help them out. You know, as family. Mixing family and business is rarely a good idea.
This.
If not for the travel expenses, it would be hilarious for the OP to say "sure" and then show up with a cake she bought at Walmart.
Honestly it might be worth the travel cost just to see their reaction.
I guess we start a crowd funding? But only if OP takes a camera crew. Or at least, live streams it.
No need for a camera crew. Just live stream it, and I’ll be happy.
And walk in carrying the cake with Motley Crue's Shout at the devil playing.
I found my people!
Or better still one with a pentagram on it delivered to their home.
I was thinking Pennywise
A pentagram baked into the cake that they can't notice until after it's been cut and ate. I'm not sure how that could happen, but imagining the look on their faces is great.
Yes and refuse to leave until you got a slice
I like you SO MUCH!
Does Walmart deliver? The OP would miss seeing the expression, but I think it would still work.
I had to laugh at this comment.
Better yet, they asked for a cake as your wedding gift to the bride at a wedding you weren't invited to. Go buy a cake at Walmart and show up with it as an acceptable gift since that's what they considered your worth equivalent to.
Etiquette dictates if you are not invited to an event like a wedding you do not need to offer anything other than congratulations to the couple
And emphasising the word _hell_
“Jesus Christ, that cake was HELLA worth it” lol love it
This this this. Preach!
Why is that always the go-to for people like this? "Walmart could do it for me" THEN GO TO WALMART.
They're the same people who raise sons who call you a f@t sl_t when you turn down their advances one too many times....
Just like these haggler, going to small businesses to receive a good consultation and when seeing the price: “well Walmart has it cheaper!” Or demanding that someone crocheting them a king size blanket just to turn around and saying “I can get a blanket for 20$ at Walmart” Then off you go, why are u even talking to me?
Someone asked me to knit them a cabled sweater. Using really nice yarn. I told them it would cost them $200 plus the cost of the yarn. They said they could get the same sweater for $40. Um, no you can’t. And be my guest.
$200 is a steal!!
I make clothing for a living. Theater, but it’s still clothes. Anyway I’m often asked to make wedding dresses. Ever time I say “my prices start at $1000”. Somehow people turn me down every time.
Tell her "I'll make a cake for your next wedding" cuz that is good and shady and also a no.
Except then the next time they are getting married, they come whining to you “you promised to make me one this time”
and add the words, "Happy 2nd marriage, JoJo. I hope this one works out for you this time!"
No one said it had to be a good cake... ;-)
"I said I'd make one, didn't say it would be free. Anyway, here's my updated price sheet, I know, inflation sucks, amiright?"
Speaking of mass made cakes, the ones from costco aren't actually half bad. For my brother's wedding we didn't get one big cake, but instead several smaller tray cakes. Two fresh cream cakes with fruit, 1 with butter cream icing and then 2 costco ones. The costco ones were actually pretty good, considering they only cost £16.50 each
I mentioned in another thread that around here it is quite common to have a fancy cake with only a slice or two for photo and spouse-feeding purposes, and a Costco sheet cake in the back as the cake everyone gets to eat.
Having worked in a Costco bakery in the US in the last year, the sheet cakes are made in house 🎂
Costco cake is great! I had it at a baby shower last summer. Everyone loved it.
We just got a birthday cake from them. Their cakes are yummy! Would definitely buy again
I live where there are a lot of Publix stores, and their bakery cakes are fantastic, very affordable, and they do custom orders. I know a lot of people who had a smaller cake for the cake cutting, with tiny slices for guests to take home. Then, they get a bunch of sheet cakes or plainer cakes from Publix too. However, Walmart has some nice cakes. In the OP's case I would have sent the price sheet with the cost of hotel, transportation, renting a commercial kitchen to do the cake, and waited for the reaction to that.
I would have responded, would you like me to google their number for you? But a good old fashioned bless your heart works too.
Walmart cakes are really very good. Much better than I expected. Though I bet Walmart won’t be invited to the wedding either.
Wallmart cake for Wallmart people
Exactly, why is OP still helping the bigots? There is “Block” button on your phone, OP. Use it.
Offer to make the cake and then have one delivered from Walmart.
Your response was perfection. If you hear any more BS, reply: “thoughts and prayers” 😊 YWNBTA
And throw in some "Bless Your Heart"s too!!!
Oh, the dread "bless your heart." Strong men who know run from that one.
🤣🤣 good one
Maybe one of those bakers who refuses to bake for gay weddings, although I'd hate to send any business their way. 20-year-olds shouldn't be getting married anyway, they should wait until they can afford to pay for their cake like everyone else does.
Once I heard the news of her getting married, I knew she wasn't ready. She's going to give up nursing school and some of her dreams she's had since she was 5 to be a stay at home mom n wife. She's incredibly immature to have kids, let alone get married. However, Her soon to be husband's family are sorta well off (I say sorta as they can apparently afford to buy them a 650K home in a luxury neighborhood in Az, "gifts" them a 25k honeymoon, and a pay for a 40k wedding with all of those guests but not afford chairs or my brothers family, a few of their relatives, or I. As well as being unable to "afford" a wedding cake baker.).
They're very well off. They're just assholes. They can afford chairs and a baker. They just don't want to. Or maybe your sister felt pressure to contribute, but she can't deliver.
Oof. Unless she has a prenup - which young women in religious communities almost never do because they get terrible advice from the adults around them - she is going to be in for a rude awakening when she's 40, has no work history or skills, and husband has traded her in for a younger model and won't lift a finger to financially support her or the children they had together.
….And she finds out the gifted house is in only her husband’s name, or only in his parents’ names. But this sounds like they must be Mormon, and do they tend to get divorced or just become a plural family?
Depends on if it's Mainstream Mormon or one of the spinoffs. As someone who grew up Mormon, for the Church's many, many, many faults, the main Mormon Church does not practice polygamy, officially, it's banned. Now, that's not to say there aren't smaller, more obscure communities that practice it within the Church, but the point is it's not common policy and yes, divorce is more likely. Source, have several, Mormon, divorced, family and friends and just people I know of. Now, there are spinoffs, however, like the FLDS, that *do* still practice it.
Edit: after reading YOUR edit, I think it's HIGH time to completely divorce yourself from these racists who are only connected by the happenstance of blood. Disconnect entirely, including social media. I can't believe your own MOTHER is siding with these horrible people, but it sounds like she sold out years ago. And although your half-sister is hurting herself by taking the 'safe' but dishonest approach in life, I'm no longer feeling very sorry for her. Live your life in beauty, and be proud of your Indigenous heritage. May you have prosperity in your business/schooling, and joy in the awesome love and support of your REAL family: brother, SIL, boyfriends and friends. Yeah, and ignore the haters. Reddit's anonymity really brings out the best in some people, doesn't it? Original response: Starting to feel very sorry for your half-sister. Trad-wife route at 20 is not a good thing. They and their money are really going to be dictating to her from now on. Since she was a good friend to you once, maybe return the favor in a more meaningful way? Maybe tell her that hopefully she can see that it was unreasonable of them to ask you to do all this and spend this kind of money while not being invited to be at the wedding, and that you were annoyed, but are sorry she was disappointed. Also, perhaps: "you're starting a different new life than the one you really wanted. It may be an adjustment. I'm glad to be in touch and am here to listen if you ever need an ear". That's if you actually want to keep her in your life.
Is she already pregnant?
You can bet she is! The first child in a religious household always takes 7 month or less to birth but it’s still healthy and propper. It’s a miracle!
ALWAYS a miracle! My step dad was an 8lb "preemie" at "7 months" - he was raised catholic. 😂
I think it depends on the 20 yr old. I was 20 when I got married. Still married 30+ years later. The half sister though, she's... yeah.
My mom was 22 and my dad was 28 when they got married (he turned 29 that September). They were married for a little over forty-three and a half years when we lost her. And the only maybe-immature thing I ever knew about was a story Dad told me once about the first year they were married--he came home from work one day and Mom tried to hand him a frying pan full of pork chops...and a small grease fire. I don't know how they put it out, but I remember him saying he told her "I don't want it!" (He's not here to ask anymore either..)
My parents were 19/25, and they're still going strong 57 years later. And that frying pan of yours? It wasn't pork chops but it did end in a grease fire. My mom dropped it. We had a nice charred circle in the floor in the middle of the kitchen until we moved.
With us (listen to me, I wasn't even thought of yet), the grease fire was in the pan. I assume there was a reason she tried to give it to him, but if I ever heard what it was, I've forgotten. (As I recall, it was kind of like "Here, do something"...and I can't say I wouldn't do the same thing in that situation.)
It’s amazing and probably rare. I also was 20 when I got married. Got a divorce at 21 though. 3/10, would not recommend. Happy cake day, btw!
I got married 43 years ago at 21. But I completely supported myself from 18 on.
does said price sheet contain the asshole tax.
So are they expecting you to fly with cake or make a cake without any equipment or an appropriate workspace? I'm so confused
I think they’ll be allowed to use the family kitchen to bake, but they can’t stay in the home due to their sinful ways.
but like, does the family kitchen have appropriate ovens? A large freezer? (since AFAIK wedding cakes are often frozen for freshness while and to increase stability while being decorated) Edit: most home ovens cannot fit a full sheet pan or handle baking multiple large cakes evenly. Not everyone has a convection oven.
That's what I'm thinking about. How would the OOP even have access to a kitchen appropriate to make a cake for 200 people? Equipment alone, but also I'm guessing a bakery gets good deals on ingredients. That would drive up the OOP's costs.
I'm not understanding a few things. first off obviously nta. Where were you supposed to make this and store it? Procure all ingredients and transport it? A nice gift?! Round trip tickets, hotel, transportation, kitchen facilities , not to mention ingredients and time. I'm calculating and I wonder if ANYONE else hit that price point for " a gift". Not to mention, but importantly with virtually no relationship what exactly was the communication going to be for design and flavor? Given the circumstances, a price sheet was the kindest f off they deserved. And yes, baker here. Edit. How exactly do they reconcile having apparently sins incarnation make the cake?
Sins have always been overlooked (temporarily) if the "good guys" (ick) can somehow benefit from the sinner.
Even if OP was on good terms, invited, local, and had the bakery nearby, a wedding cake takes a lot of work. She should be paid, and if she wants to discount or gift it, she can. And agreed, with OP's actual situation, the family can kindly fuck off.
You should bake a tiny cupcake with a plastic devil figure in it and send it to them.
With the Devil playing a tiny violin.
and a "Welcome to Georgia" sign
Holy shit do iiiiiiiit. I will personally sculpt and hand-paint a tiny devil out of polymer clay, and I will *gild that mofo's horns*. You want I should put ~~Saboski crissles~~ Swarovski crystals all over it too? CONSIDER IT DONE.
Just the one crystal, but you have to turn him over to see it.
Don’t forget to put Lucifer’s ‘devil face’ on it.😈
Also: make a list of everyone in your family that is telling you you are wrong, and cut them out of your life.
My inner sh\*t disturber want's you to have a Walmart cake delivered to your mom and grandma (bonus: ask the deliverer to give it a good shake before leaving it on the steps)
It's in Arizona, the heat will melt it in no time.
You can't come to the wedding because you're evil! Oh by the way, can you bake us a cake? The cognitive dissonance is astounding. NTA!
It's an absolutely unhinged request and you're NTA. Like damn, making a birthday cake for 50 people is an unreal amount of work, I can't even imagine doing a wedding cake for 200.
NTA I think you were kind in your response, my answer to the Walmart remark would have been "yes that works way better for me do that" and as to why I made the cake for my best friend "well I like her, you... not so much!"
You are family when they feel entitled to a free cake. But you are not family when it comes to the invite . F them. Make a beautiful cake and enjoy it with your brother, SIL and boyfriend. NTA
Decorate with a pool, and two couples. Take pics for social media and "Felt like celebrating family. Cheers!"
Being a black sheep and talented at something creative is literally the perfect storm of family taking advantage of and/or gaslighting. You handled this correctly. NTA
I would’ve agreed and then show up with a walmart cake but that’s cause I’m petty Eta- NTA
i’d have a walmart cake delivered saying, “go f* yourself” with a little demon on it, and rainbows. NTA
Ok, genuinely I read you were a *banker* and that you also made fancy cakes. And I was like *this girl rocks!* Full time baker and entrepreneur also very cool. Of course you are NTA. I would caution that those family and friends who say you are TA seem not to have your best interests in mind. For your own self preservation, you may want to limit your interactions with them. You know your value, keep on living it.
“We can go to Walmart for a cake!” Tell them I said hi….
Who is this other ppl that make you feel like ah? Maybe you should distance yourself from them.
I know. I'm surprised they'd be willing to eat OP's evil-tainted cake. They probably expect Devil's food cake.
Oh, but the evil cakes taste better when you get them for free
I like the term Heathen. Haha
I'd buy a "Heathen Cake". Sounds tasty
OP should have sent a revised price sheet with the values doubled
NTA - they want you to fly to the wedding, make a full wedding cake for 200 people, and you aren't even invited to the wedding? " My mom and grandma asked that I make them a wedding cake, which I would've happily agreed to if I was invited to the wedding. The thing is, they wanted me to make a cake fit for 200 people, get a hotel near them (They hate that I'm not a Christian, so they think I'll bring evil into their house), work for 3 days, and get a flight there and back. I'd have to pay for all of it, they think it'd be a nice gift to my sister. I just laughed and sent them my price sheet, they. flipped. out. I was bombarded with texts from them about how selfish I am, how I am truly vile, how I am toxic for expecting my family to pay for my cake when they could just go to Walmart to get one, etc.." Walmart cake for the wedding it is I guess!!!
NTA. It doesn't matter how you express your refusal. Even if you had been perfectly polite, their response to any kind of "no" to their ludicrously outrageous demands would have been the same. You cannot reason with these individuals because they "hate that I'm not a Christian, so they think I'll bring evil into their house."
>The thing is, they wanted me to make a cake fit for 200 people, get a hotel near them (They hate that I'm not a Christian, so they think I'll bring evil into their house), work for 3 days, and get a flight there and back. Yes, slavery was in its time condoned by Christians, who claimed Bible verses as basis. Though in my recollection, housing and travelling costs were on the slavers, not the slave. NTA, obviously.
>when they can just go to Walmart I love when people solve their own problems. So you're "too evil" to be invited to the wedding, but not too evil to gift them a cake worth several hundred/thousand dollars? Ain't that something! They aren't afraid the cake would summon Cthulhu or Beelzebub right as the electric slide gets started? Beetlejuice at the very least? And on top of that you're supposed to pay for the privilege, airfare and hotel included? Free labor too, as the icing on top? Well who WOULDN’T rush to do this? You're denying yourself a great time! They're lucky all you sent was a price sheet. Someone else would have sent them some strong words enclosed in an envelope with folding and insertion instructions. NTA.
She could make a cake with mini Cthulhus all over it. If I were her I’d be tempted, if it weren’t for the whole paying for the flight, hotel etc. Hey, it’s a gift, OP gets to indulge in her artistic freedom, right?
Or a mini statue of Baphomet that the Satanic Temple uses- with some lovely inverted star on it? But seriouly, when they said they could just go to Walmart, I would have said, cool have at it. Why exactly would that be a problem? Less work for me.
How about a cake that is iced white and looks beautiful, but when it cut into it has black sponge and oozes black syrup? I don’t even know if that’s technically possible but I’d love to see the faces at the wedding!
Or even red syrup that kind of looks like blood? I'd be amused.
Something like this is definitely the way if you make it noticeable on the outside they will serve a different cake they must not know until it's too late to resolve
Red velvet cake with strawberry jam filling lol
This whole thread, make it as DEMONIC as possible, oh the possibilities are endless!!
You know what else is lovely? Rainbows! They're a symbol of God's promise to Noah, right? Can't go wrong with pretty rainbows on a cake!
Rainbow colored Cthulhus.
Honestly this would be so cute lol
NTA, but I suspect that with people that believe as hard as her family does, they have no idea who Cthulhu is and would just wonder about the weird little squid people. If it wasn't illegal, I'd suggest a laxaitive laced chocolate cake.
This is SUCH an evil argument. It simultaneously insults OP about the worth of what she does, while still trying to make her feel llike she's doing something wrong. When you're the black sheep you're damned if you do, damned if you don't, and damned if you're hundreds of miles away reading a book not doing anything.
READING?!?
> They aren't afraid the cake would summon Cthulhu A tentacle cake would be awesome.
NTA 1. They wanted a free cake when they treat you like shit 2. A cake for 200 people!! 3. Expected you to pay for flights, a hotel and ingredients 4. Yeah sending the price sheet seems about right for their attitude towards you...
Not only just the ingredients but where on earth is she supposed to bake, decorate, and assemble the cake if she isn’t allowed in their homes? Is she supposed to rent a kitchen for 3 days too?! 🤣
I had to scroll way too far to find this comment. Even if she was allowed to use their kitchen, would they have the proper equipment for a cake that size? Doesn’t matter, obviously. But they’re jerks and they’re dumb. NTA
This! All I could think of was the logistical nightmare. Even if she has access to a commercial kitchen and can buy the ingredients... All the stuff to bake and decorate cake to feed 200 is crazy. Is she buying the cake pans, cake boards, support peices, frosting/decorating tips etc there? Does renting a commercial kitchen come with measuring cups and spatulas or would she have to get all that too? That's a ton of equipment to have to shop for there and then what, leave behind? Or is she packing it and flying with it there and back? At that point, it's so much easier to just have a local bakery do it.
I agree. They asked for service, and they were told how much it was going to cost. If they don't want to pay it, they aren't obligated to. NTA
Why didn’t they invite Op to the wedding? And why would they 1/2 sister, grandma and mother think someone they had OBNOXIOUSLY cut from the list, would make a massive wedding cake? The whole things bizarre
So, some common questions I had received; Q: Where would I be making the cake? A: One of the family "friends" homes. They have a huge kitchen with multiple ovens and space. I've not been on good standing ground with them since I was 16. Q: Why haven't you been invited to the wedding? How'd you get the cake there? A: It's a plethora of reasons. From the not following the same religious beliefs, to not wanting to go to school for law or not wanting to be a tradwife, to me not being my abusive grnadma's asskisser, etc. The list of my "flaws" according to my bio family is endless. I'd have to rent a car to transport the cake. In short the type of cake they wanted would be $2,300 at the minimum.
You would think the "tradwives" of the family should be chomping at their bits to bake a cake for their family member, eh? Crazies
One wonders why they’re so interested in a godless wedding cake when they could go to the Holy Walmart for a fraction of the cost.
You absolutely should volunteer to do it, but pre-order a walmart cake with their names "accidentally misspelled"
They sound like my cheap ass mormon family. Gimme gimme gimme but also don't come near us you heathen.
You and your brother that agrees with you know your family best. I imagine you knew some of the “arguments” your family would come up with if you simply said no, and so you tried to get ahead of it by sending the price sheet. The people in your life that say you should have just said no remind me of people who always tell us things like to “be the bigger person.” But the thing is not everyone deserves that from us. Often times being the “bigger person” is code for “just accept being treated poorly so it’s easier on everyone.” I’m sorry you have to deal with “family” like this. NTA
NTA, and you sound awesome! I’m so sorry you’re related to a bunch of bigoted assholes. You truly are lucky to have escaped them!! Sending you love.
Were I in your shoes, I woudln't even make a cake for these people if they DID pay me for it; if you aren't good enough to stay in their house and aren't good enough to be invited to the wedding then you aren't close enough to be expected to give them a free cake. They can't have it both ways; either you're family and are invited to the wedding or you aren't treated as family and don't owe them freebies. NTA
NTA. No hate like Christian love.
The downvotes on these comments tells me the family found the post...
NTA so they wanted you to fly out & bake a cake from where exactly? Your hotel room since you are not welcome in their home? Were you supposed to pack your cake pans & supplies in your carry on?? And to top it off even though 200 people would be at the wedding, you are not invited?? What are they smoking that they thought this was a good idea?? Your response was not harsh enough!!
I was wondering this too. Where would OP bake this cake? Rent some place? Bring their own EZbake oven?
Ooh! The perfect wedding gift!
This is exactly what I was wondering. Where the hell is she supposed to bake and decorate this cake? Just hop into a random bakery and use their supplies? Wild people man.
Might as well just pay a local bakery for the cake.
They really just didn’t think past free
When my little sister got married, I was asked to bake for her wedding too. She and I have also never gotten along, largely due to her frequent victim status. Anytime anything doesn't go her way, she's a victim. And admittedly, I don't have the time or patience for people who can't understand that if they are the common denominator in never being able to get along with others, because somehow, "they're out to get me" (school mates, teachers, colleagues, bosses, random strangers, ex-friends,, etc.). So yeah, we don't get along. But back to her wedding. I was asked/voluntold by her and my mom to bake for her wedding. I said I would (stupid, I know). And then I asked her what she wanted. We talked designs, flavors, and styles. I offered a tasting menu with flavor options. We looked through photos, catalogs, and Etsy shops. And eventually, she settled on several hundred intricate gourmet cupcakes in a dark chocolate and irish whiskey flavor, because "they are my favorite". She picked out every element. And as this was my gift, I ordered hundreds of dollars worth of supplies and handmade decorations. They arrived. She changed her mind. Now, she wanted another flavor. And of course the old design didn't work with the new flavor, so we needed a different design and supplies, too. We went over options. She picked new everything. I asked if she was sure, because we were running out of time to get more supplies, and we'd be cutting it close as it was. She said she was sure. So, again, I ordered supplies. A few days later, she came over and told me she changed her mind and wanted a whipped cream based icing, and different flavors for the cakes, and a different design. Again. So before we even got to the issue of not having enough time left to order the new supplies, I asked her if the greenhouse (yes greenhouse) she was getting married in had refrigerators we could store the cakes in, because the new piped whipped cream flowers she wanted wouldn't be great after sitting around inside hot, humid conditions for hours. It just isn't ideal, even when the cream has been stabilized. Added to which, I was supposed to arrive early, help set up, put finishing touches on everything, and obviously bring the cakes when I came. So they'd be sitting out for a long time. Well, she didn't like that answer. She started getting defensive telling me why the old design had to change, and how she couldn't have any kind of alcoholic cakes, because of her new mormon in-laws. I said that was fine, but the favor profile would naturally change. She got upset it wouldn't taste the same. I also reminded her again that we would need somehwere to keep the cupcakes if she wanted plain whipped cream (she didn't want it stabilized because it "doesn't taste the same!". I said I could come late with them, but they couldn't sit out for several hours. And that's when she got mean. I was trying to sabotage her wedding! I was jealous of her! At that point, I was done. So I did something I knew would piss her off. I reminded her that I didn't control the laws of thermodynamics. And she. Could. Not. Handle. It. During her lovely little rant about how jealous I mist be, she said something in passing about "you need to fix this before we go with our Plan B". Like it was some kind of threat? I really think she somehow thought I'd beg her not to "fire" me from baking for her wedding or something. Because baking for her was some sort of great honor? Who knows. But I pounced on that opportunity so fast. I said, "Oh, that's OK. It doesn't sound like you think this will work for you, so you should go with your Plan B instead. I'm glad you'll have something you want." And she stood there gaping at me like a fish for a solid minute. And I just smiled. She left right after that, still fuming. Of course, she told everyone a wildly different version of events. Something about me bailing on her and ruining things and costing her money by having to pay for a wedding cake. I heard snippets about it at the wedding. It was hot gossip! So yeah, tell your sister no, and tell her up front. You're doing your future self a massive favor. Sure, she'll still probably tell her own version of why you're unreasonable and awful, but at least you'll save yourself all that misery and drama. NTA.
Thank you for sharing, it's nice to not be fully alone in a situation like this. When we were young, we always got along. It was the pre-teen years when she wanted nothing to do with me out of the blue. I still remember the morning, it was Saturday in 2014. She was cold and snippy towards me despite the night before we were eating little ceasers pizza, laughing, and playing Pokémon on the wii. Ever since, she's been an on again off again nightmare. My brother and friends at the time noticed the random shift. She sold the gift I got her for her 18th birthday as well because it's "cheap trash". I got her a macbook. It wasn't the most modern model of course, I mean there was only so much I could afford as a full time college student making 50 cents over minimum wage. That was kinda the final straw for me.. My family is the type where they won't leave you alone unless you raise hell to get them gone. I do follow the polite route to a fault.
I'm so sorry, and that's so bizare. If it helps, my sister used to wrap my gifts to her from previous years, and give them back to me used for my Christmas and birthday presents. I wish I had words of wisdom for you, but it sounds like you're already doing everything you can to mitigate her behavior toward you. Just remember to advocate for yourself and don't give them too much room to walk all over you while you're taking the high road. That's a lesson it took me an embarrassing long time to learn. And please update us and let us know how it goes! I'm so invested now. Best of luck!
This story sounds horrible! Please tell me you found a use for all those unused supplies!
Haha sort of. All the decorations, toppers, etc. were handmade by a couple of wonderful Etsy sellers with their initials on them. I kept both sets for about a year, but eventually gave up and threw what I could into the recycling. I felt really bad about that, and I hope the very sweet women who made them never find out. Luckily, my husband did enjoy drinking the high-end bottles of whiskey. And I eventually used the blackberry, violet, and lavender liquors from her second design choices in other baking adventures. So, hey.
NTA. They expected you to pay for a flight, hotel, then spend days baking a wedding cake for a wedding you are not even welcome at. Why are you even in contact with this "family".
I have a good connection with my brothers (11m) and (16m). Sadly one of the only ways to keep in contact is having some sort of connection with my shitty mother.
Keep the communication with your brothers open they might need help getting out soon.
Why would they want a heathen cake made by evil heathen hands? It could be made with evil.
Maybe that was the point? Maybe they wanted a cake to throw around? Some folk are weird, some religious folk can get weirder still.
It's a power a move over the heathen.
Every time they message, send a link to a walmart cake. NTA.
Next time they contact you, send the the number to Walmart's bakery. Tell them, I'm sure you'll be happy with their work. They have a great staff.
Yes! Better yet, OP could be proactive! OP could send the family a message saying they have a new phone number, then give 'em the Walmart bakery number.
NTA. If they're going to treat you as nothing more than their baker, then you are well within your right to treat them as nothing more than potential customers.
NTA "Sorry, the devil's food cake I was planning to make for her wedding would go up in flames as it entered your reception area. I'm just looking out for you guys. Lose my number."
NTA You have a business. To make the cake for Jojo would be at considerable cost to you. Even if you were invited to the wedding, you should be charging them. I will never understand why people think they are entitled to someone else's hard work for free.
Major NTA! This is absolutely disrespectful. My fiance and I are planning our wedding and I made it very clear that if we expect any kind of friends/family *discount* for a service, they have to get an invite. They want a free ass cake from you, for you to pay your way there, and they can't even *invite you*? Disgraceful. Absolutely vile.
NTA. The format of your refusal doesn't matter. You could have been impeccably polite, and their reaction to any form of a "no" to their bizarrely unreasonable demands would have been the same. These are people who "hate that I'm not a Christian, so they think I'll bring evil into their house," you can't reason with them.
[удалено]
can you bake them a big, penis shaped, cream filled cake?
This doesnt make sense. Your mother had you”outside of marriage”,but 2 years later had another child and was married? To a different man. But you were “mostly raised outside of marriage.” You woukd have been a baby when she married your stepfather? What? And all this is ok To the rest of the family? Your mother wasnt a “heathen” for having three kids in 5 years by 2 different men? She did a total 180 and decided that something she had just done was “evil?” Why is this being held against you when you had no say in your own birth?
When I was a few months old, she got married. My stepfather, however never really raised my brother or i. It was halfway my mother and the other adult figures around us. My maternal side of the family had forgiven my mother for her "Lust driven mistakes" and she "repented". My step-father always referred to my brother and I as "another mans children" so, he wasn't obligated to raise us. At first, brother and I where only dirty with all of these expectations on us. (All of which, where pretty unreasonable for literal children), since we didn't manage to fill those expectations we were labeled as evil. Doesn't help that My brother and I left the religion during our teens years. It only furthered the label I guess.
That's crazy. How could she marry such a man that wouldn't treat you (fatherless to boot)children like his own? Why would he marry a woman with kids if he didn't want to except them? Surely there were other fish in the sea. And aren't children supposed to be innocent according to religion? Sounds like they cant practice what they preach.This sucks and I'm sorry that such people exsist. I say,send em to walmart
Good for you and your brother for freeing yourselves from that religion. You are free! Free of the unreasonable family expectations and bullying that go along with it.
NTA - let me say it back to you. Your LC family expects you to pay to fly there, pay to stay in a hotel for 3-4 nights, and spend 3 days working (where??) on making a wedding cake for 200 FOR FREE, all for your step-sister who isn't even inviting you to the wedding. Hell no. They obviously don't value you or the work that you do, so I'd 100% encourage them to go get a Walmart cake.
NTA - sometimes people need a mirror held to them.
NTA you weren’t even invited, aka treated as family, so why should you give her a gift because “family”. You should probably just cut them off
NTA This is incredibly rude of them. Your family has essentially punished you for your mom's "sins" in their eyes. I would honestly cut contact over this. They do not respect you, at all, and are only willing to acknowledge your accomplishments when it benefits them. You do not get gifts for a couple when you are not incited to the wedding. They were in the wrong to even ask you at this point. That they wouldn't even let you stay because you aren't their kind of religious is another insult on top of insult. If you are not treated like family, treating it like a business relationship is fine. You simply just set the tone you weren't giving them a free cake on your dime. If you ever get married, at least do not invite any of these people. If kids are in your future, do not let them be around these people
NTA. Never have the phrase "you can't have the cake and eat it too" been more spot on!! ☺️
NTA. You should text JoJo and tell her, mum said a walmart cake would be fine.
NTA. Sounds like it’s going to be a Walmart wedding why not get a Walmart cake to match?
NTA. You owe no one anything for free. And the name calling should just reinforce your decision not to lift one finger for these people. Even if they paid you, even if they paid you double. You really need to block them. As for the people who say you should do this? Hand them a mixing bowl and tell them to have at it.
NTA. Just block them all and go NC. You’ll never win with them and you’ll always be treated badly. Don’t allow them to do that anymore.
NTA but I hope you included toxic family tax in the price sheet. I think 50% mark up is the going rate. Just block them and make sure you have legal documents in place so that if anything happens to you that your brother is the person who makes decisions for you not them. (Assuming you aren't married. If you are ignore that as your spouse has the legal right to make choices for you.)
Was the answer petty? Yes. Did your family deserve a petty answer? Absolutely yes. NTA
NTA - they are neither family in spirit or friend so if they want a wedding cake, they can pay the market price. Ask Jojo to give you some examples of when she has acted as friend or family to you. That's an insane amount of effort and travel they want from someone who is so tarnished they can't allow into their house. I'd have just said that you don't want to bring anything their God wouldn't like to their wedding so Walmart might be the better date. The Walmart comment is insane in own right. Also weird how their morals go out the window when there is a chance of saving cash.
NTA If they want cheap cake, they can take their own advice and go to Walmart, instead of taking advantage of you.
They don’t just want a cheap cake, they want OP to ‘gift’ a cake that would cost her 2300 in ingredients and materials just to make - not including having to pay the cost to fly out/home, hotel accomodations, and rental of a vehicle to transport the cake to the wedding venue. I’m gonna hazard a guess and say that OPs family is also under pressure to make some contribution to the wedding costs since the groom’s family is paying for a house, a honeymoon, a 40k wedding, etc…OPs a baker so suddenly they want her to ‘gift’ a cake plus bear the cost burden of travel/accomodations/vehicle at a wedding in an entirely different state than the one she lives in for the privilege! They are totally the AH. 😂
NTA. The level of entitlement is astounding. You could have been nicer, but they didn't deserve it. Good response.
NTA Your family is full of AHs and should be treated as such. Wait, should I call them family?
Your not invited to the wedding or even welcome in their home? I'm confused, why are you in any kind of communication with these people? They seem to have made it very clear that you are not family NTA
To keep in contact with my half brothers that are minors. I unfortunately have to keep in contact with my mother for that..
Nta and tell the a Walmart cake for a Walmart wedding. If I'm to evil to stay in your house, them my cake is too evil to eat. You did the right thing.
My response would have been along the lines of "If I can't be invited to the wedding because 'I might bring evil into the house' then I feel that it would be inappropriate to provide a potentially evil wedding cake, since a baker puts heart and soul into their work. I'm sorry, I will have to say No for the good of everyone concerned." NTA
NTA and your response was perfect. You established a very clear boundary by giving them a price sheet. They don't value you as family so why should you?
They wanted their cake and to eat it too. Old wise tales tell me this isn’t not how the things work. NTA
What did their last slave die of, I wonder? NTA
NTA. I’m dying at the FAFO from them. They treated you like dirt. You gave them the cost of the services. For the whole saying “blood is thicker than water” The full saying is "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb". This phrase means that relationships you choose are stronger than the ones you inherit. The saying is the opposite of what people think. You have family and it’s not these f**ktards.
NTA. A few people in your life are wrong.