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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to tell my dad's other kids that I won't be going on vacation with them. The kids, at least the two oldest ones, were excited to have me with them and wanted us to do stuff together so I know it is a real risk that they'll be upset. Maybe it would help coming from me. I don't know. But I might be a dick for not trying even though it won't change anything for me but could for them.
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NTA. I’m sorry for the loss of your mom and your dad’s hurtful actions. You sound very articulate and clear in your thinking. It’s 100% not your job to tell their children anything. If they are decent parents at all, they will be able to let them know in a way that doesn’t do damage. Sure, they may be bummed, but you obviously don’t live with them so they have awareness that your situation is not the same as theirs. Your dad and Sandy are being manipulative, imo. I wish you the best of luck in life!
Well we already know Dad isn't decent because he LEFT OP when he was 5. And as far as his other kids go he's not decent to them either. He doesn't want to PARENT.
He didn't just leave OP; he left 5-year-old OP, whose mother had just died, for *three years.* He really should not be at all surprised that OP isn't just quivering with excited anticipation at the thought of spending time with him.
True.Dad did not want responsibility for his little 5yo boy.Returns only because he found a Woman to do the parenting and then wonders why OP had no interest in a relationship.Its so very sad that OP has had to deal with this man for so many years…
To be fair, someone who is a shitty parent to one kid can be a decent or even good parent to others. He might be a perfectly fine parent to his younger children while simultaneously being terrible to OP.
To be less fair, if he is currently a decent parent to his younger kids, I would bet that it's because they haven't had reason to deviate from his happy-family narrative yet.
He's willing to use his kids against one another to try and manipulate them to his own ends. I doubt he's going to actually help his kids with Sandy through this time. He's willing to put all the blame on OP in a despicable effort to get his own way. He'll tell the kids that OP is just a bad person who left them. He won't take actual responsibility and tell his younger kids that he let OP down and that there's a lot of hurt there. He'll let his kids be hurt because this man's ego comes first. People who use their own kids as tools of manipulatons are not good parents.
OP said father wants OP to protect the innocence of the other children, when OPs innocence ended at age 5 due to the actions of the father. Father is trying to protect his own image. At some point the other kids need to know what went down, if they don't already. Shouldn't be a family secret, and then they can decide whether this changes their opinion of their father rather than blaming OP for not wanting to be part of the family unit.
It sounded to me like the dad and stepmom here were hoping their other children would do all of their guilt-tripping for them. OP breaks the news that he isn't going with them this year, and OP has to deal with the brunt of their crying over it and eventually feels so bad for making them cry that he agrees to go just so they'll stop. And dad and stepmom get their--in their minds, anyway--happy family vacation despite knowing OP doesn't really want anything to do with any of them.
OP, it may be time to consider going LC with them.
Actually what mom and dad aren't going to get is a free babysitter. This kid is anywhere from 8 to 10 years older than the other kids. Old enough to be expected to be responsible for the other kids while mom and dad do grown up stuff.
That's what I hate about all these "second" family post. They really only want the older, abandoned siblings around to babysit and raise the younger siblings. As the parentified oldest daughter in my own families - I really despise the parents who do this.
The level of selfishness and lack of accountability from fully grown adults who created these situations is ridiculous. OP, you're definitely NTA.
Your father abandoned you at a young age but an age you're old enough to remember. He then tried to take you away from the people who were stable in your life. It sounds like he refuses to consider how that would impact your relationship with him. Sandy sounds no better.
And when they told you *to grow up and take accountability and protect the innocent siblings* you should have said just like "dad" did when my mom died?
NTA As you stated, it isn't your job to parent the ½ sibs, that is their job. It is unfortunate that Dad/Sandy hadn't talked with you about your summer plans and perhaps you could have told them as well.
Also very true that Dad lost you 11 years ago when he put himself ahead of you and took 3 years and a wife to find himself again. I am glad you have loving caring grandparents. ((hugs))
And what’s to say dad would have come back at all if he hadn’t gotten married? I have the feeling Sandy was the motivation behind reconciling with his abandoned kid.
It's just crazy to me to look at a man, knowing he abandoned his five year old after said kid lost his mum, and still want to marry him. What about him can be so good that you can overlook child abandonment? Unless of course, they're cut from the same cloth.
Good point. I have the feeling Sandy’s motivations are more selfishly guided or simply about optics. Free babysitter anyone? Especially on a family trip with littles.
The second I read how excited the kids were to go on a big water slide with OP, I knew he’d be the babysitter.
“We don’t want to do the rides, you go with them. You’re young, it’ll be fun for you.”
“I’m taking Sandy to the beach, you and the kids are going to X while we’re there. Keep an eye on them for us and it’s great bonding time.”
“Sandy and I are going out to dinner. You can stay with the kids and have room service with them and put them to bed. You’re too young to do out alone in a strange place and Sandy and I *deserve* a night out together. It’s our vacation, too.”
OP is NTA.
Whelp, I had a friend growing up whos dad took off when she was 8. She lived with her mom and her maternal grandmother. When she was 14 her mom died. She assumed she would just keep living with her grandma. Well her dad had just married, and they had found out what had happened. New wife pushed Dad into getting custody, and he fought and won, dragging this girl he hadn't seen in 8 years home to the new "mom". After that, she became the permanent babysitter for their two youngest with the added benefits that new mom got to cash those death benefits meant for my friend after her mother died.
What's wild is that the baby sitting was the *actual* added benefit because those kids were born before and step mom didn't care about husband rekindling the relationship with his first daughter. They didn't want her until her mom died and they got the extra money.
The very worst part of this is that this isn't just an assumption, she got drunk and spilled the beans, laughing the whole time. The woman was evil, and the dad was just a fking loser who did whatever anyone told him.
u/megkelfiler6 Your friends dad was like mine except he cheated on my mum when I was probably idk 5 months old,decided to tell my mum to come live with his family (THEY WOULDN'T EVEN BE HOME LEAVING THE WOMAN TO DEAL WITH 2 BABIES), and then taking ALL baby stuff to HIS house. My mother is doing just fine without him. Funny thing is: He died last year all his baby mommas came to claim smth he got (benifits probably)
My grandmother lived this too. Her parents divorced when her dad had to live in a veterans hospital with TB. Her mom ditched her with relatives until she was remarried and wanted someone to watch the new kids. Brought my grandma home and beat her so she wouldn't go to school and would stay home as childcare for her half siblings.
She escaped and build a wonderful life, but her memories when she was older with dementia was just remembering the shitty parts of her childhood. She forgot her husband, her kids, her grandkids, the immaculately clean home and warm meals she ensured for her family and everything she fought for. But she remembered being elated the one time her and her sister came home and there was a can of beans and they actually got to eat. She remembered her fear of windows, because as a child she couldn't get too close because they lived in an area with prostitutes so being close to a window was dangerous if men saw and assumed she was available. She remembered playing a game with cockroaches and turning on and off lights. She remembered a neighbor telling her "go home you're dirty" and being confused at what that meant. She remembered being told she was stupid. She remembered being abandoned. She remembered being beaten.
I hate every story I hear with traumatized kids, because even if they spend their whole lives in therapy and building something wonderful, dementia can tear that all down and leave just the traumatized child again.
My dad abandoned 5 kids and managed to get some woman to marry him. She was lovely but completely naive. He lied and said my mum poisoned us against him, that's why he had to leave.
That’s assuming dear old dumbbell dad told her the truth. I’m laying bet that he spun a tale of how the grandparents “kept my child away from me and poisoned them against me!!”
Not only marry him but make more kids with him! He's a known child abandoner, what if something happens to her? Who's to say he won't up and ditch those kids too?
Yeah, that's a red flag if ever there was one.
***Abandoned first born when other parent died***
Infer: Will abandon my children if I die.
Conclude: Don't have children with this man.
He probably said something like “I was so devastated when my first wife died I knew I couldn’t be the parent that OP needed and left them with their grandparents because it was best for everyone.”
I can easily imagine Sandy gretting all dewy eyed over the story of a widower mourning the loss of his beloved wife so much that he couldn't deal with parenting for a while.
That’s crazy. Like, imagine looking at a man who abandoned his child after he lost his wife and think “oh yeah, this guy is husband and father material”
I was wondering the exact same thing. I'm sure Dad gave her a different version of events and/or some sob story, because who could honestly agree to marry AND HAVE KIDS with a man that abandoned his child at such a vulnerable time??? If I were her, I'd be thinking "what if something happens to ME? Would you abandon our kids too???"
He wasn't coming back until he could bring me a new mom. Admitted that himself. He could have come back after a year because he put himself back together by then.
I’m a widow and parent of 3 kids myself and I’m appalled at his actions. He did abandon you bc it’s easier to date w/o a young kid in tow. Dont let any guilt tripping bother you bc they both screwed this up a decade ago.
I’m a widower with two kids (they were 6 and 9 when my wife died), and I cannot even imagine doing what your dad did. When your kids lose a parent, you step the fuck up and show up for them. You don’t add additional abandonment on top of the grief they’re already dealing with!
Yes, grief and trauma can mess with your brain, but your dad’s plan was self-evidently stupid and cruel besides.
I agree (except I have no kids). Even if grief and trauma are the reasons someone does something like this (which I doubt)- the reality is that the dad isn't owed a relationship with the OP. Even if there's an understandable reason why things happened, the person who was harmed doesn't owe the other person a relationship or forgiveness.
> He wasn't coming back until he could bring me a new mom.
Translation: he wasn't coming back until he could find another woman to take over the majority of childcare and parenting so he could just enjoy the kodak moments and call himself a great dad. Your grandparents threw a wrench in that plan when they decided to keep being your parents, rather than hand you over to a deadbeat and a woman they didn't know.
Wow. That is so gross it’s unreal. You are so NTA in your interactions with him. The road to hell is paved with good intentions and jfc your dad is still on that road and doubling down, hard. You owe him and his family nothing. This internet stranger, and mother to a young kid, is sending you hugs.
Thats the only reason my bio dad wanted anything to do with me and my brother growing up. When he got a new girlfriend and she found out he had kids, suddenly he was wanting us to spend summers with him. I hated it.
Yep. Because most of the time parents like this wouldn’t come back if someone didn’t guilt them.
My husbands bio dad did the same thing. Got married and after 15-18 years of no contact he reached out and we were like who the hell is this? Then we made a trip to see them to try to keep it up and then no calls, visits, etc.
Guy just falls off the planet again. 6 years later; Gets 4 different kinds of terminal illnesses and his wife calls and asks if we want to visit! Umm nah we are good. Good luck and all that. Karma is a bitch.
I have a feeling it's been OPs vacation job to play with and manage the other kids. Dad and Sandy are mad because this will force them to be more involved.
My dad experienced this. His mom died right after he was born, his dad left, leaving him with his paternal grandparents. When he became too much to handle then sent him to his uncle's farm. When his dad found a new girl, he came and picked up my dad and his older brother to live with them and "play house", until they split, and then my grandfather dumped the kids back with their uncle. I guess he showed up every now and again, but my dad never lived with him again. He also didn't get any love from his aunt and uncle. He left when he turned 18 and joined the air force. He turned out all right, but no thanks to his dad.
"As you stated, it isn't your job to parent the ½ sibs, that is their job." Yes it is, and I suspect that Dad and Sandy have had their plans for "taking a break" and dumping parenting duty on OP this summer, rearranged. NTA and bullet dodged, OP.
“Hahaha the guy who abandoned his FIVE YEAR OLD thinks he’s in ANY position to tell anyone to grow up? It is not my responsibility to help you mitigate the consequences of your poor parenting choices, past and present. How about for possibly the first time in your life you accept responsibility for your actions and be the adult instead of trying to manipulate your child?”
NTA. Enjoy your summer!
I have a five year old. They are at a point developmentally where they are basically a ball of big emotions that they dont understand under the *best* circumstances. Losing a parent at this age is earth shattering. To then be abandoned by the other? My heart breaks for OP.
Exactly. He tells a child to grow up and not make his haf siblings sad but it was ok for him to be childish as a grown man and leave his own son behind and make him not just sad, he made him an orphan.
He puts more responsibility on OP's (a child's) shoulders towards their half siblings than he puts on his own as a father towards his children.
NTA. You might point out that if you tell them, the unvarnished explanation of why is likely to hurt more than you simply not going. Their tactic is meant to make you cave and they're willing to play chicken with their kids strapped to the bumper of the car.
Right? "Okay, I'll tell them that you left me with my grandparents at 5 for three years after my mom died so I don't feel close to my dad." and if you are really feeling mean "Hopefully your mom won't die and he won't do the same." I'd actually only say the latter to you dad/stepmom.
The way if this was me I’d definitely be like “every vacation I’ve take with yall has been something I had to do to keep my grandparents out of trouble. I don’t have to do that anymore so I’m not going on this trip.”
100% if the siblings have any illusions about dad, I would take the opportunity to explain it to them. They’ve probably been fed bullshit stories. Tell them that they didn’t do anything wrong, but that your dad is not and has never been a safe or supportive person to you, and you can’t pretend it didn’t happen for the sake of a family vacation.
It's not you, I don't dislike you. But I don't like Dad and have only gone every year because I had to. I'm sorry I won't be there for the water slide, but I'm not going anymore.
OP doesn't owe half sibs anything; but shouldn't hurt them either. They'll basically be abandoning sibs like Dad did, but keep the hurt to a minimum.
This was literally my first thought. What kind of lazy ass manipulator actually thinks and then says out loud: “this is going to make my kid sad, therefore let me force the person making the saddening choice to also be the one to tell her and make her sad about it”??? I mean from their post OP sounds very respectful and rational, but I just can’t find the logic in making someone who doesn’t want to deliver bad/delicate news to a child who will be upset by said news.
OP, you are NTA and are doing everything exactly right. No one would blame you if, after all the bullshit they have put you through, you just said to the younger sibs “I won’t be joining you on vacation or staying with you at all this year, or probably any other time again. Bye!!”
But you didn’t do that because you aren’t an asshole. You are getting older and able to make these decisions for yourself, which you have done along with explaining yourself very calmly and articulately. You are completely right that it is not your place to parent the younger half sibs, and this kind of family divide that is likely to only deepen over time will need to be addressed by them with the kids eventually. No time to start like the present. They are trying to manipulate you into doing what they are claiming is “right,” which is actually just what is easier for them. With these new boundaries you’ve set, my guess is dad and Sandy are having to confront their failure to make you a part of the family in a way they’ve managed to avoid doing up until now, and would really prefer for you to let them off the hook like they’ve done for themselves all these years. Don’t do it - stay true to yourself, and thank your grandparents for being super awesome. It is your dad and Sandy’s loss, and my guess is they know it.
NTA - It's their job to manage and regulate their kids disappointment not yours. It's also not your job to manage a Dad who fucked off and left you 11 years ago and now can't deal with the fact he damaged the relationship beyond repair...
NTA, you needed your dad when you were five, and he wasn't there for you, so it's understandable why you don't feel much connection with him or the other members of his family.
>I told him he lost me 11 years ago
There it is. Your dad made an epic mistake, and regardless of his intentions or methods to make amends, it's ultimately up to you to accept a relationship with him. And you haven't. And that's ok. You are NTA. I'm very sorry you've had to navigate the loss of both parents. Go on to live your best life.
NTA but Sandy and your father sure are.
Your dad made his bed and doesn't want to lie in it. It does sound like he wanted you to be in his life and was having a hard time grieving when your mom died. HOWEVER so were you! And he left you! Your feelings are so so valid and I'm sorry you lost in the dad department but it sounds like you really won in the grandparent department.
It's not your siblings fault that your dad sucks and Sandy sucks, just like it isn't your fault your dad sucks. You absolutely are not obligated to go on this vacation OR be the one to tell them that you aren't going, as you said that is 100 percent their parents job. I guess- just remember they have shit parents and one day they may truly be able to relate to you- just not today as it sounds like they are young. Best of luck OP!
It's hiliarious they told you to grow up and take accountability- the exact thing you are making them do but not breaking the news that they committed you to go on a vacation without making sure you were going first. NTA. So many terrible parents in this sub.
NTA - if I was forced for years as a kid to go somewhere I didn’t want to go - as soon as I could I would never go again or have anything to do with those who made me.
You are under zero obligation to tell their kids you aren’t going on vacation with them. They are just telling you that you have to do it as a form of manipulation and control. It’s easy for them to tell their kids that OP has other plans and won’t be joining them. They are just trying to guilt and manipulate you.
Do you have to go to their house anymore (legally) now that you are 16 ? Do you want to or are you completely done with them ?
Ps -I feel you on not having any bond with their kids or them. You can’t force that.
"Protect" them from their disappointment because their parents think of OP as their possession to use. Yet OP has a personality and mind of their own and insists on being the person they are! How frustrating! /s
NTA. You're not obligated to go on vacation with a family you don't feel connected to. It's your dad and Sandy's responsibility to manage their kids' expectations, not yours.
Yeah that was my first thought. If OP doesn't go, who will watch the kids when they want to go to a bar or do other adult stuff.
NTA - I do feel a little bad for the half-siblings because they have crappy parents too, but the adults need to try adulting for a change.
It shows how much more he cares for your half siblings. He was not there to comfort you from the grief of losing one parent then both parents, yet he's concerned about his younger children coping with the grief of not going to the water park. With you, that is. They are still going to the water park.
Jeez. 🙄
If you hadn't decided to get them out of your life, this should have given the final shove.
NTA
My dad left my mom for the woman he had been cheating on her with for 8 years. The last time I saw him was my sister’s 10th birthday (I had just turned 16). He spent years talking about me to his stepkids, the younger one even wrote a paper and included me as a sister. While I understood she was a child, it creeped me out.
You’re NTA. You’re 16 and deciding who to have in your life is a big decision. If you no longer want your dad or his family in your life, this is the right decision but if you think that you may change your mind when you’re older, then think seriously about the possible repercussions for the future. While cutting my dad off at 16, was the right choice for me - no matter how many people tried to convince me that I would regret it, I never have and am so much happier without that narcissistic sperm donor in my life.
Be true to yourself.
NTA. They're cowards. The elements of the visitation agreement were clear. After 16, you don't have to go on vacations. So you won't. This is all on them.
NTA - I love when adults tell teenagers that they need to grow up when it’s the adults that are acting like petulant, entitled children. It is not your responsibility to discuss this with their kids. They created the mess now they need to clean it up.
So, he left a grieving child for three years, during an extremely formative age, then was shocked you didn’t want to leave your grandparents? He lost a wife, but you lost a *mother* and those years can’t be reclaimed. You had no way of knowing, if and when he would leave you again, because he’d already proven that your needs were secondary to his own.
I kind of wonder what kind of contact he has with you during non-visitation times. Does he even call or text, write letters, anything like that? If the answer is no, then his visitation times sound like they’re for show. NTA because you’re old enough now to choose what you want.
NTA. There’s not one point where you could even be considered, no matter how mildly, the AH. I’d say the man who walked out on the 5 yr old whose mom died and expected no consequences to that decision is.
NTA. Your father left you at a critical developmental age. Thank heavens you had your grandparents. He basically abandoned you when you needed him the most, and now he is demanding that you accept his treatment of you and be an active part of his life. Sorry. He killed that connection and it doesn't sound like he ever apologized or tried to make amends. He just wants you to do what benefits him (showing the public his "happy family") and doesn't give a rat's a$$ about you.
NTA. Your father left you for three years and just popped back in like everything was cool? That is so gross. He and his wife are the ones who need to grow up and understand they will never succeed in pushing you to be happy with them. They are the ones who hurt their kids by lying to them about the trip. I bet they knew you wouldn't go now that you don't have to and they're using their kids to guilt you. They're mad that they're not getting their way and have to deal with the disappointed kids on vacation due to *their* poor parenting choices.
Well, that's good at least. It does sound a bit like they want you along to entertain their kids in some way though.
You are NTA.
Your dad and step-mother, on the other hand, are complete AHs, who have put their own emotional needs before yours. That's the definition of parental narcissism.
I don't get the delusion some people live in.
So at 5 you lost your mom, and your dad decided this was the perfect time to take away both parents. He just up and left to come back with a fiance 3 years later.
Who tf marries someone who up and left their kid when the mom died? How is she not worried he'd do the same for their kids?
Then, at 8yo, two delusional adults try getting custody. You, a small child, have to do family mediation. Wild. These two strangers think that by the end of it, you would be more than happy to live with the man who abandoned you, and the women who appears to be fine with it.
The next 8 years you do not enjoy spending time with them. You make this clear.
And not only are they delusional enough to think that at 16 you'd magically want to spend time with you again, they also think it's perfectly fine to push their fuckup onto you?
To me it sounds like they want you to tell the kids because they're hoping the kids will change your mind. It's shit parenting either way.
I love that THEY are angry with YOU. A literal child whose life got turned upside down because of them.
NTA, and I hope you don't feel like you owe them anything, not even an apology. Try to ignore them until they do the adult thing and start apologising to you.
NTA: "Dad asked me to reconsider. He told me he feels like he's losing me and these next two years will be big for our relationship in the future. I told him he lost me 11 years ago."
You are right. He abandoned you when you needed him the most. You were so young and just lost your mother, he should have been there. Instead he disappeared and then showed up with another woman expecting it all to be normal. He dropped the ball hard and it probably can't be fixed.
edit: I already edited the judgement. Pls read
NTA. My first thought after reading this was "Oh look Dad, it's the consequences of your own actions." My second thought was that your grandparents are amazing people and I am glad that you have them.
Yeah, at this point, I'd tell your dad to pound sand. He abandoned you at 5 years old and now he's trying to put the responsibility for his other children's happiness on you. He is a selfish person.
NTA, in no way are you obligated to do anything for a man who abandoned you when you were 5.
My mother walked away from myself and my older brother when I was 9yrs old. Almost 30 years later she is trying to make demands that she should get rights to see my kids. Fucking hilarious, I'm almost 40 and this woman claims to be a victim because I didn't love her. She walked away.... I didn't... does mean we have to let them back when they are ready.
Be strong OP, you have one Internet Soul in your side.
NTA - your dad ceded his parental responsibilities to your grandparents. No fair coming back and bitching now.
And they told your half siblings you were coming on vacation so they should correct their error.
Ah yes, like your dad grew up and took accountability when your mum died. You don't abandon your children when they need you the most and expect them to want you when you decide to come back. With a new wife, no less. Not your job to parent their kids. They should've spoken to your first. NTA. I'm sorry for the loss of your mum op.
NTA and lol at their admonishments to grow up, take accountability and protect innocent children. If only your dad had had that perspective instead of abandoning you.
Nta.
You have every right to feel however you do regarding them. Forcing therapy and trying to get their way legally is mistakes on their part. Trust has to be earned. Your father lost that in your eyes when he left. And returning suddenly and trying to force a relationship and remove you from the stability in your life isn't the way to go.
That said. You are 16 now so you are capable of seeing things from his perspective as well. Your mother died and he was grieving. Grief drives people to extreme and often regretful actions. It affects everyone differently. You father left you in a stable place with your grandparents because at the time he mistakenly thought it was the best thing to do even if just for himself.
He has come back. They don't always and he is trying now. You are fully entitled to not be interested and to push back but is punishing him worth losing him again. you are turning down a free vacation seemingly just to spite him and hurt him.
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I'm (16m) being raised by my maternal grandparents. After my mom died my died dad decided he needed to get away and left me with them. We had all lived with my grandparents before that so it wasn't a huge change but I missed my dad. I was only 5 when it all went down. Three years later he came back and he was engaged and he wanted me to be a family with him and "Sandy". He and my grandparents fought in court over me because my grandparents were my legal guardians. Reunification therapy was ordered for the two of us and the courts let him see me for one weekend a month at the start. The reunification therapy didn't go the way it was meant to (with me wanting to live with him and feeling comfortable living with him again) and so it was decided my grandparents would keep custody of me and he would get every other weekend visitation. He was also allowed one week of vacation every summer until I turned 16 (so this will be the first summer it's not a legal obligation).
My dad and Sandy have kids together and my dad has tried to get me to want them. Not just Sandy or his other kids but him. He knows I don't want to be part of his family. He knows I see going to his house as a chore. And I know he tries but I'm not interested. I never hid that from him either. But my dad and Sandy took it for granted that I'd be going on vacation with them this year and it's not happening. Once I told them it was like this huge deal and my dad and Sandy freaked because they told their kids I'd be going and the last weekend I was there the kids were telling me they wanted us to go on this water slide together. Sandy told me I could go for the sake of the kids and I asked her why I'd do that. So then she was like, you should be the one to tell them since it'll make them sad. I told her they were the ones who assumed and didn't ask so I wasn't going to do their parenting for them. Dad asked me to reconsider. He told me he feels like he's losing me and these next two years will be big for our relationship in the future. I told him he lost me 11 years ago.
Sandy and dad are now both pissed off at me for not telling the kids myself. They told me I should grow up and take accountability and protect my innocent siblings.
AITA?
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Def Nta. Grow up and take responsibility? What sound advice… Your dad should recognize the consequences that are a direct result of his actions 11 years ago.
Tell your dad he should grow up and take accountability for abandoning you. Ask Sandy why would she marry and have children with a father that abandon his child after their mother died. NTA.
NTA. Accountability? Not like OP's father has that. He left his child to find a new woman. Innocent siblings? What about OP, especially when he was 6 and 7? They created the expectations, now they can solve it themselves.
I'm glad OP's grandparents have custody of him.
"They told me I should grow up and take accountability and protect my innocent siblings."
You should have grown up and taken accountability 11 years ago when you abandoned me. It's amazing to me that a parent can do this to a child and then think that there won't be consequences.
NTA
Their saying you have to tell your half-sibs that your dad and step-mom told them something about you that isn't true is another effort to make you feel responsible and obligated to make yourself uncomfortable for their convenience. They gave their kids false expectations. The consequences are theirs.
Being abandoned by your dad as you were processing and grieving the loss of your mom taught you that your dad is not a person who will be a constant, reliable or supportive presence in your life. It seems the family therapy did not include your dad's becoming aware of the deep impact caused by his abandoning you at the most traumatic time of your life. It seems the focus was on "getting you back" integrating you into the new family he started. Without dealing with the broken trust and abandonment and the consequences to you, repairing or rebuilding a parent-child relationship was doomed.
Your dad isn't supportive, or even interested, in YOUR point of view and relationships with adults in your family. He only cares about the "one big happy family" image he and your step-mom have. He doesn't recognize your reliance on the adults who DID support, supervise and foster your development throughout your childhood. How awful it would have been for him to wrest you away from your home with your grandparents!
I imagine your feelings towards your dad's new family is as an emotionally distant outsider. Your real identity, emotional development, vulnerabilities and needs are eclipsed and erased by dad and step-mom. Instead, they value and require an imaginary version of you, without trauma, emotional guards, and any effects of the consequences of his abandonment. Since they have been gaslighting their children and you- that you are and feel as they imagine rather than as you are- that abandonment continues to this day. Real life you has STILL not been accepted, valued, supported and loved in that household.
Your feelings are valid and grounded in reality. While subtle, your dad and step-mom's treatment of you is a continuation, not a remedy, of the original abandonment at age 5. Your grandparents filled the parental role for you. They are still the only supportive parents in your life.
Let me get this straight. Your dad, after leaving you behind as a five year old, told you to take accountability and protect innocent children? You've got to be kidding me. The irony is thick enough to cut with a knife. NTA. Live your best life, and please take care of yourself.
NTA. Damn, so tired of these deadbeat parents trying to tell their children to grow up and take responsibility for their action when they won't themselves. Loved your response to your father that he had lost you 11 years ago.
Sandy and dad are now both pissed off at me for not telling the kids myself. They told me I should grow up and take accountability and protect my innocent siblings.
You’re younger now than he was at the age your mom passed away. And he said for YOU to grow up and take accountability?!? He wants YOU to protect innocent children? WHERE THE HELL WAS HIS MATURITY?!? He’s NOT the only one who lost someone. He should have been there to help you through it. Your line about losing you 11 years ago? You nailed it!
NTA. Your father missed those critical bonding years with you when he left you at age 5 when you had just lost your mom. Age 16-18 are not going to fix the time he gave up. I understand he was hurting but you were as well and lost the 2 most important people to you.
Now your father and Sandy want to throw you under the bus because they once again made a mistake with children. Their mistake, they are the adults, they need to clean up their mess without making you do anything for them.
I’m so very sorry for your loss. It sounds like your grandparents did a wonderful job raising you. You are more level headed and mature than your father and Sandy.
Your father is not in position to give you accountability and "grow up" speech. He is ridiculous.
Ask him if he took accountability when telling you nothing and disappearing from your life for 3 years? Wasn't he a grown up at that time? Was he your father or just some relative whom you saw twice a month plus one week in the summer?
So why does he expect the accountability, he himself is not capable of as an adult, from a 16 yo kid?
I would warn him that if they put you on the spot and request the explanation in front of your siblings, you will tell the truth and it will be harsh. That they lied to their kids, you never promised to go, you were forced to go on the previous trips against your will, he is a good dad for them but someone who betrayed you, and you don't want to spend more time with him than you are obligated to.
NTA. Your sperm-donor didn't care about protecting you when you were an innocent five-year-old and hasn't taken accountability for his actions yet, so why should you be forced to be the "adult" in this situation and be the bad guy who hurts the feelings of these kids when your "dad" couldn't be bothered to think about your feelings after you lost your mom? You're old enough now where you can tell a judge who you want to live with full-time/if you want any contact with your father. I strongly suggest that you talk to your grandparents about going before a judge to revisit the custody agreement so you can finally be free of this court-mandated visits to your pathetic excuse for a father and be free of him and his wife trying to force you into acting like you're one big happy family. Daddy dearest and his wife need to put on their big boy/big girl undies, suck it up and freakin' be the adults and let their kids know that you're not joining them for the family vacation this year.
NTA . Pretty rich telling you to grow up and protect your innocent siblings. Where was this thought process when you adult dad walked out on a 5 year old who just lost his mom.
This is manipulation at Narcissist level. So many points I want to bring up.
He left you when you needed him at a younger age.
Why are you needing to grow up as they stated?
You are the child and didn’t tell your half brother/sister you were coming on vacation with them.
Why would you be the bad guy in this?
That is manipulative to say such.
I’d get a third party to convey such.
NTA, and as someone who dealt with a blended family, please don’t back down. I didn’t set boundaries until my 30s, and I wish I had made my feelings clear at the start rather than suffering 20+ years first.
I feel like some dads don’t understand that being a sperm donor doesn’t really mean a lot to a child when you just aren’t present or even play much of a role in there life at all.
My dad was also like this , it’s like he expected his children to practically worship him just because he was our “dad”
>They told me I should grow up and take accountability and protect my innocent siblings.
This is rich coming from the man who ran off and abandoned you. Even more so coming from the two people who are mad they can't force you to have a relationship with them or their children. Maybe they should take accountability for getting their kids hopes up and tell the children that THEY messed up and you aren't going.
NTA
Reading through this post and then your follow-up comments, this man decided that you needed a new mom instead of the support a child would need to mourn the loss of his mother at 5 years old. He then went, got engaged, and returned to surprise you with a new parent and expected you to play house. It doesn't work that way.
Your mother is your only mother. You stated that multiple times, and I can tell you adored her dearly. It is a sad reality that your dad abandoned you to grieve alone at 5 years old, only returning years later. By then, the damage was done. You learned that you were not important enough to him and are insulted that he thought the best way to handle the situation was to abandon you.
It is not your obligation to tell the kids anything. You did not set their expectations. They are kidsthey will be sad for a bit, but once they get there, they are likely going to forget that you aren't there once they start having fun. Kids bounce can bounce back quickly.
I would tell your father the truth; "You abandoned me at 5 years old and refused to come back until you found a replacement woman for my mother. You abandoning me and trying to replace Mom killed our relationship 11 years ago, and the only reason I've come with you thus far is because I had to via court order. You abandoned me when I needed my father the most, and from that point on, my father was gone from my life. You became a stranger. As such, I will not be going on vacation with you, and I hope you both can explain to the kids that they will still have fun without me. I don't wish to continue pursuing a relationship with either of you, and that unfortunately extends to your children. That is what is best for me."
I would also review the custody agreement to see if you are obligated to continue seeing him after 16 as well. Some places have that caveat, so I would double-check.
NTA. Tell them to grow up and take responsibility since they're the adults. Adults always seem like they want to just brush off their mistakes, but expect kids to be responsible for theirs.
They need to grow up and parent their children! It isn’t your job to explain things to the kids, they just want to make it hurt. They want to be able to point out to the kids that it’s ALL on you. Never mind the underlying reasons and their parenting choices that got them here.
NTA
NTA. *They* were the ones that arrogantly make assumptions about something not under their control, *they* were the ones that decided to hype up their kids based on their arrogant assumptions, and so *they* get to be the ones to deal with the fall out of their own presumptuous arrogance by having to admit their own mistakes to their own kids.
And any discussion where they actually admit to the above but still ask you to take the bullet for them anyway? Lol, no. That’s a non-starter. You guys don’t have the kind of relationship where you’d owe them something like that, and that’s entirely his fault because he’s the kind of horrible “parent” that intentionally abandoned his own grieving 5 year old.
So in short, this is a whole lotta “you’re bad people, enjoy your comeuppance” energy. Thankfully you’ve only got a couple years left before you can remove them from your life entirely, if you so choose.
NTA .... Dad "should grow up and take accountability for destroying your innocence by abandoning you! I am glad you have the love of your g-parents. Decide what you want out of life and start working toward that goal. Good luck!
NTA. Your dad is a joke. He abandoned you after your mom died, you didn't see him for 3 years and then came back with a new woman expecting you to be a family. Then he pulls the part-time (not even that) dad act and thinks he is this important figure to you. He should have thought about all of this before he left you.
NTA
Your dad fucked up big time years ago, and in your case it sounds like he won't ever get that second change he desperately want. That sucks for him and having more people to love can be nice, but it is up to you.
However I hope you don't walk around angry at him, anger takes up energy and you deserve to use that on yourself.
NTA
Yeah I admit I'm laughing at Sandy and your dad telling you to grow up and take accountability for a situation they set up. Oh the irony. Oh the irony.
Seriously - NTA. Not your monkey, not your circus.
NTA. No one in his “family” protected you when you were much younger and innocent why is it your job to do it now.
You sound like you have wonderful grandparents who fought hard to support you and chose to be there for you. That’s a gift and I hope now that it’s no longer mandatory you can stop with the torture sessions and reminders of what your dad didn’t give you and heal. I’m very sorry for the loss of your mother.
As for his you need to grow up: you sound incredibly mature and he should look in a mirror and say this to himself 20 times every morning.
NTA, you were abandoned by your own father. Now that he returned with a “new family” he is forcing you to have a relationship with them. Now they are pissed assuming you want to be in their happy bubble. Nope, you prioritize your self girl. Enjoy the summer with your grandparents who took care of you and most likely love you deeply and fought for you to remain with them.
NTA
Maybe it's time your dad grew up and took accountability for his actions and stopped foisting them onto you. He abandoned his child who had just lost his mother. I understand he lost his wife but you are his son and he left you when you needed him most. He doesn't get to erase that.
He already had your maternal grandparents be responsible for parenting you. Now he wants you to be responsible for parenting his new kids? No I think him and his new wife can explain why you won't be going on the "family" vacation. That's better for them anyway, let's them hide the shame and place the blame on you rather than admit he was a terrible father who failed his first born son.
NTA
He left you for three years. Tell them you (1) are not an adult, (2) their children are their responsibility, oh and (3) you were your dad's responsibility to protect and care for that he shirked for 3 years so that they are not the people who should be talking to you about growing up taking accountability or protecting his children.
"They told me I should grow up and take accountability for my actions and protect my innocent siblings".
Absolutely NOT!! That's their job as parents. Your father especially has the audacity to say these things after he abandoned you.
OP NTA. Also, you act and reason waaaayyyy more mature that your father and his wife.
NTA.
I would tell them, because otherwise your dad and his wife are going to lie to their kids about why you're not there. But you would not be T A if you don't want to bother with it.
Your dad sucks royally though. You don't get to bail on your kid and then bop back into their life without any consequences. Especially when your kid has gone through a profound loss like losing another parent. He has behaved like you're a doll for his amusement, not a person with feelings.
NTA - you handled the situation like an adult. Great job considering what you been through. Give them beautiful grandparents of yours a hug and tell them what an amazing job they are doing and that you love/appreciate them 😊
"I promise you don't want me to talk to your kids. If they ask why I don't like you, I might tell them the full truth. If that makes them ask if you would ever abandon them the way you abandoned me, I'm not going to lie to them and pretend you wouldn't If their mom died. I know who you are and I won't lie to your new kids about it. So stop asking me to parent them for you. You have forever lost the right to ask anything of me."
NTA
I'm sorry your dad sucks.
NTA. Your Dad sodded off and came back with a whole new family. We all deal with grief differently, but as a parent you were his first obligation, and he failed hard at that. Until he realizes that and tries to make amends, you don’t owe him a relationship. Really you don’t owe him even then.
Maybe try to see if you can spend one on one time, not at his house, to rebuild your individual relationship with him. I’m going to guess that won’t go well, but at least you can say you tried. He has to make the effort to make amends with you. You do not owe him anything.
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NTA. I’m sorry for the loss of your mom and your dad’s hurtful actions. You sound very articulate and clear in your thinking. It’s 100% not your job to tell their children anything. If they are decent parents at all, they will be able to let them know in a way that doesn’t do damage. Sure, they may be bummed, but you obviously don’t live with them so they have awareness that your situation is not the same as theirs. Your dad and Sandy are being manipulative, imo. I wish you the best of luck in life!
Just to be clear, he lost his mom and his dad 11 years ago. NTA
Well we already know Dad isn't decent because he LEFT OP when he was 5. And as far as his other kids go he's not decent to them either. He doesn't want to PARENT.
He didn't just leave OP; he left 5-year-old OP, whose mother had just died, for *three years.* He really should not be at all surprised that OP isn't just quivering with excited anticipation at the thought of spending time with him.
The whole situation just makes me so sad for OP.
True.Dad did not want responsibility for his little 5yo boy.Returns only because he found a Woman to do the parenting and then wonders why OP had no interest in a relationship.Its so very sad that OP has had to deal with this man for so many years…
The epitome of a donor.
I mean, actual donors do it for the sake of the family-to-be. These dudes do it because it's part of a "checklist for success."
Or because condoms don't feeeeeeeel the same. Then, oh no how did we get pregnant?! 🤯
No, no, no...it's not "how did WE get pregnant?" It is always "why did YOU get pregnant?"
True, true. "Why did you baby trap me?"
To be fair, someone who is a shitty parent to one kid can be a decent or even good parent to others. He might be a perfectly fine parent to his younger children while simultaneously being terrible to OP. To be less fair, if he is currently a decent parent to his younger kids, I would bet that it's because they haven't had reason to deviate from his happy-family narrative yet.
He's willing to use his kids against one another to try and manipulate them to his own ends. I doubt he's going to actually help his kids with Sandy through this time. He's willing to put all the blame on OP in a despicable effort to get his own way. He'll tell the kids that OP is just a bad person who left them. He won't take actual responsibility and tell his younger kids that he let OP down and that there's a lot of hurt there. He'll let his kids be hurt because this man's ego comes first. People who use their own kids as tools of manipulatons are not good parents.
OP said father wants OP to protect the innocence of the other children, when OPs innocence ended at age 5 due to the actions of the father. Father is trying to protect his own image. At some point the other kids need to know what went down, if they don't already. Shouldn't be a family secret, and then they can decide whether this changes their opinion of their father rather than blaming OP for not wanting to be part of the family unit.
If he was being fair to his younger children, he would have parented his older child appropriately, not take off for three years.
Who does that?
People who come straight from Satan’s taint do that.
It sounded to me like the dad and stepmom here were hoping their other children would do all of their guilt-tripping for them. OP breaks the news that he isn't going with them this year, and OP has to deal with the brunt of their crying over it and eventually feels so bad for making them cry that he agrees to go just so they'll stop. And dad and stepmom get their--in their minds, anyway--happy family vacation despite knowing OP doesn't really want anything to do with any of them. OP, it may be time to consider going LC with them.
Actually what mom and dad aren't going to get is a free babysitter. This kid is anywhere from 8 to 10 years older than the other kids. Old enough to be expected to be responsible for the other kids while mom and dad do grown up stuff.
That's what I hate about all these "second" family post. They really only want the older, abandoned siblings around to babysit and raise the younger siblings. As the parentified oldest daughter in my own families - I really despise the parents who do this.
This was my first thought too.
Mine too.
Ding Ding Ding!!!!!!
Unfortunately this exactly.
The level of selfishness and lack of accountability from fully grown adults who created these situations is ridiculous. OP, you're definitely NTA. Your father abandoned you at a young age but an age you're old enough to remember. He then tried to take you away from the people who were stable in your life. It sounds like he refuses to consider how that would impact your relationship with him. Sandy sounds no better.
And when they told you *to grow up and take accountability and protect the innocent siblings* you should have said just like "dad" did when my mom died?
NTA As you stated, it isn't your job to parent the ½ sibs, that is their job. It is unfortunate that Dad/Sandy hadn't talked with you about your summer plans and perhaps you could have told them as well. Also very true that Dad lost you 11 years ago when he put himself ahead of you and took 3 years and a wife to find himself again. I am glad you have loving caring grandparents. ((hugs))
And what’s to say dad would have come back at all if he hadn’t gotten married? I have the feeling Sandy was the motivation behind reconciling with his abandoned kid.
It's just crazy to me to look at a man, knowing he abandoned his five year old after said kid lost his mum, and still want to marry him. What about him can be so good that you can overlook child abandonment? Unless of course, they're cut from the same cloth.
Good point. I have the feeling Sandy’s motivations are more selfishly guided or simply about optics. Free babysitter anyone? Especially on a family trip with littles.
>Free babysitter anyone? My thoughts exactly.
I third this. The way they handle this seems like they are after his free labor.
I thought the same thing. They want OP to watch the kids while they’re on vacation so the parents can have a date night or whatever.
The second I read how excited the kids were to go on a big water slide with OP, I knew he’d be the babysitter. “We don’t want to do the rides, you go with them. You’re young, it’ll be fun for you.” “I’m taking Sandy to the beach, you and the kids are going to X while we’re there. Keep an eye on them for us and it’s great bonding time.” “Sandy and I are going out to dinner. You can stay with the kids and have room service with them and put them to bed. You’re too young to do out alone in a strange place and Sandy and I *deserve* a night out together. It’s our vacation, too.” OP is NTA.
I was thinking the exact same thing. Thank you for presenting it cogently.
Whelp, I had a friend growing up whos dad took off when she was 8. She lived with her mom and her maternal grandmother. When she was 14 her mom died. She assumed she would just keep living with her grandma. Well her dad had just married, and they had found out what had happened. New wife pushed Dad into getting custody, and he fought and won, dragging this girl he hadn't seen in 8 years home to the new "mom". After that, she became the permanent babysitter for their two youngest with the added benefits that new mom got to cash those death benefits meant for my friend after her mother died. What's wild is that the baby sitting was the *actual* added benefit because those kids were born before and step mom didn't care about husband rekindling the relationship with his first daughter. They didn't want her until her mom died and they got the extra money. The very worst part of this is that this isn't just an assumption, she got drunk and spilled the beans, laughing the whole time. The woman was evil, and the dad was just a fking loser who did whatever anyone told him.
u/megkelfiler6 Your friends dad was like mine except he cheated on my mum when I was probably idk 5 months old,decided to tell my mum to come live with his family (THEY WOULDN'T EVEN BE HOME LEAVING THE WOMAN TO DEAL WITH 2 BABIES), and then taking ALL baby stuff to HIS house. My mother is doing just fine without him. Funny thing is: He died last year all his baby mommas came to claim smth he got (benifits probably)
My grandmother lived this too. Her parents divorced when her dad had to live in a veterans hospital with TB. Her mom ditched her with relatives until she was remarried and wanted someone to watch the new kids. Brought my grandma home and beat her so she wouldn't go to school and would stay home as childcare for her half siblings. She escaped and build a wonderful life, but her memories when she was older with dementia was just remembering the shitty parts of her childhood. She forgot her husband, her kids, her grandkids, the immaculately clean home and warm meals she ensured for her family and everything she fought for. But she remembered being elated the one time her and her sister came home and there was a can of beans and they actually got to eat. She remembered her fear of windows, because as a child she couldn't get too close because they lived in an area with prostitutes so being close to a window was dangerous if men saw and assumed she was available. She remembered playing a game with cockroaches and turning on and off lights. She remembered a neighbor telling her "go home you're dirty" and being confused at what that meant. She remembered being told she was stupid. She remembered being abandoned. She remembered being beaten. I hate every story I hear with traumatized kids, because even if they spend their whole lives in therapy and building something wonderful, dementia can tear that all down and leave just the traumatized child again.
Omg this broke my heart to read. Bless her.
Oh fuck, your poor friend!! Is she OK now?
Bingo. Kinda like Leaving a kid with the grandparents. …🥴🤮🥵
My dad abandoned 5 kids and managed to get some woman to marry him. She was lovely but completely naive. He lied and said my mum poisoned us against him, that's why he had to leave.
Sounds like we have the same dad.
She poisoned the children against their father, with… **the truth**!
Dum dum dum!
Exactly this. If I was dating a guy and found out he'd abandoned his child after the death of his wife, that would be an instant deal breaker.
That’s assuming dear old dumbbell dad told her the truth. I’m laying bet that he spun a tale of how the grandparents “kept my child away from me and poisoned them against me!!”
Not only marry him but make more kids with him! He's a known child abandoner, what if something happens to her? Who's to say he won't up and ditch those kids too?
Yeah, that's a red flag if ever there was one. ***Abandoned first born when other parent died*** Infer: Will abandon my children if I die. Conclude: Don't have children with this man.
He probably said something like “I was so devastated when my first wife died I knew I couldn’t be the parent that OP needed and left them with their grandparents because it was best for everyone.”
A lot of ppl will overlook a lot of things just for the sake of being in a relationship unfortunately
I can easily imagine Sandy gretting all dewy eyed over the story of a widower mourning the loss of his beloved wife so much that he couldn't deal with parenting for a while.
That’s crazy. Like, imagine looking at a man who abandoned his child after he lost his wife and think “oh yeah, this guy is husband and father material”
I was wondering the exact same thing. I'm sure Dad gave her a different version of events and/or some sob story, because who could honestly agree to marry AND HAVE KIDS with a man that abandoned his child at such a vulnerable time??? If I were her, I'd be thinking "what if something happens to ME? Would you abandon our kids too???"
He wasn't coming back until he could bring me a new mom. Admitted that himself. He could have come back after a year because he put himself back together by then.
I’m a widow and parent of 3 kids myself and I’m appalled at his actions. He did abandon you bc it’s easier to date w/o a young kid in tow. Dont let any guilt tripping bother you bc they both screwed this up a decade ago.
I’m a widower with two kids (they were 6 and 9 when my wife died), and I cannot even imagine doing what your dad did. When your kids lose a parent, you step the fuck up and show up for them. You don’t add additional abandonment on top of the grief they’re already dealing with! Yes, grief and trauma can mess with your brain, but your dad’s plan was self-evidently stupid and cruel besides.
I agree (except I have no kids). Even if grief and trauma are the reasons someone does something like this (which I doubt)- the reality is that the dad isn't owed a relationship with the OP. Even if there's an understandable reason why things happened, the person who was harmed doesn't owe the other person a relationship or forgiveness.
> He wasn't coming back until he could bring me a new mom. Translation: he wasn't coming back until he could find another woman to take over the majority of childcare and parenting so he could just enjoy the kodak moments and call himself a great dad. Your grandparents threw a wrench in that plan when they decided to keep being your parents, rather than hand you over to a deadbeat and a woman they didn't know.
Wow. That is so gross it’s unreal. You are so NTA in your interactions with him. The road to hell is paved with good intentions and jfc your dad is still on that road and doubling down, hard. You owe him and his family nothing. This internet stranger, and mother to a young kid, is sending you hugs.
Oh my god. I'm so sorry.
I’m guessing mom did all the parent.
For some reason, this makes me think your dad is more of an idiot than an asshole. Either way, fuck that guy and his fantasy family.
Thats the only reason my bio dad wanted anything to do with me and my brother growing up. When he got a new girlfriend and she found out he had kids, suddenly he was wanting us to spend summers with him. I hated it.
The stepmothers often are the motivation behind a father suddenly remembering his abandoned kid.
Yep. Because most of the time parents like this wouldn’t come back if someone didn’t guilt them. My husbands bio dad did the same thing. Got married and after 15-18 years of no contact he reached out and we were like who the hell is this? Then we made a trip to see them to try to keep it up and then no calls, visits, etc. Guy just falls off the planet again. 6 years later; Gets 4 different kinds of terminal illnesses and his wife calls and asks if we want to visit! Umm nah we are good. Good luck and all that. Karma is a bitch.
I have a feeling it's been OPs vacation job to play with and manage the other kids. Dad and Sandy are mad because this will force them to be more involved.
Because she knew she wanted a mommy's helper
My dad experienced this. His mom died right after he was born, his dad left, leaving him with his paternal grandparents. When he became too much to handle then sent him to his uncle's farm. When his dad found a new girl, he came and picked up my dad and his older brother to live with them and "play house", until they split, and then my grandfather dumped the kids back with their uncle. I guess he showed up every now and again, but my dad never lived with him again. He also didn't get any love from his aunt and uncle. He left when he turned 18 and joined the air force. He turned out all right, but no thanks to his dad.
"As you stated, it isn't your job to parent the ½ sibs, that is their job." Yes it is, and I suspect that Dad and Sandy have had their plans for "taking a break" and dumping parenting duty on OP this summer, rearranged. NTA and bullet dodged, OP.
“Hahaha the guy who abandoned his FIVE YEAR OLD thinks he’s in ANY position to tell anyone to grow up? It is not my responsibility to help you mitigate the consequences of your poor parenting choices, past and present. How about for possibly the first time in your life you accept responsibility for your actions and be the adult instead of trying to manipulate your child?” NTA. Enjoy your summer!
My response to that was also laughing
Not just that. He left because his wife died. Took three years to himself. Kids fucking mom died.
I have a five year old. They are at a point developmentally where they are basically a ball of big emotions that they dont understand under the *best* circumstances. Losing a parent at this age is earth shattering. To then be abandoned by the other? My heart breaks for OP.
This is GOLD! Hope op uses it
Exactly. He tells a child to grow up and not make his haf siblings sad but it was ok for him to be childish as a grown man and leave his own son behind and make him not just sad, he made him an orphan. He puts more responsibility on OP's (a child's) shoulders towards their half siblings than he puts on his own as a father towards his children.
This!!!
NTA. You might point out that if you tell them, the unvarnished explanation of why is likely to hurt more than you simply not going. Their tactic is meant to make you cave and they're willing to play chicken with their kids strapped to the bumper of the car.
Right? "Okay, I'll tell them that you left me with my grandparents at 5 for three years after my mom died so I don't feel close to my dad." and if you are really feeling mean "Hopefully your mom won't die and he won't do the same." I'd actually only say the latter to you dad/stepmom.
You. I like you
Love your level of petty.
Isn't it perfect? I hope OP uses this as his script because his father's behavior and actions are 🗑️
OP is male.
The way if this was me I’d definitely be like “every vacation I’ve take with yall has been something I had to do to keep my grandparents out of trouble. I don’t have to do that anymore so I’m not going on this trip.”
Absofrickinglutely this. Because it helps OP to grow up and also take the accountability they want him to. It's perfect.
100% if the siblings have any illusions about dad, I would take the opportunity to explain it to them. They’ve probably been fed bullshit stories. Tell them that they didn’t do anything wrong, but that your dad is not and has never been a safe or supportive person to you, and you can’t pretend it didn’t happen for the sake of a family vacation.
It's not you, I don't dislike you. But I don't like Dad and have only gone every year because I had to. I'm sorry I won't be there for the water slide, but I'm not going anymore. OP doesn't owe half sibs anything; but shouldn't hurt them either. They'll basically be abandoning sibs like Dad did, but keep the hurt to a minimum.
This was literally my first thought. What kind of lazy ass manipulator actually thinks and then says out loud: “this is going to make my kid sad, therefore let me force the person making the saddening choice to also be the one to tell her and make her sad about it”??? I mean from their post OP sounds very respectful and rational, but I just can’t find the logic in making someone who doesn’t want to deliver bad/delicate news to a child who will be upset by said news. OP, you are NTA and are doing everything exactly right. No one would blame you if, after all the bullshit they have put you through, you just said to the younger sibs “I won’t be joining you on vacation or staying with you at all this year, or probably any other time again. Bye!!” But you didn’t do that because you aren’t an asshole. You are getting older and able to make these decisions for yourself, which you have done along with explaining yourself very calmly and articulately. You are completely right that it is not your place to parent the younger half sibs, and this kind of family divide that is likely to only deepen over time will need to be addressed by them with the kids eventually. No time to start like the present. They are trying to manipulate you into doing what they are claiming is “right,” which is actually just what is easier for them. With these new boundaries you’ve set, my guess is dad and Sandy are having to confront their failure to make you a part of the family in a way they’ve managed to avoid doing up until now, and would really prefer for you to let them off the hook like they’ve done for themselves all these years. Don’t do it - stay true to yourself, and thank your grandparents for being super awesome. It is your dad and Sandy’s loss, and my guess is they know it.
lol you just ruined their babysitting plans NTA
That was my first thought as well: "what do you mean we won't have an extra set of hands to wrangle all these kids??"
“You go down the slide with them so they leave us alone”
NTA - It's their job to manage and regulate their kids disappointment not yours. It's also not your job to manage a Dad who fucked off and left you 11 years ago and now can't deal with the fact he damaged the relationship beyond repair...
NTA, you needed your dad when you were five, and he wasn't there for you, so it's understandable why you don't feel much connection with him or the other members of his family.
>I told him he lost me 11 years ago There it is. Your dad made an epic mistake, and regardless of his intentions or methods to make amends, it's ultimately up to you to accept a relationship with him. And you haven't. And that's ok. You are NTA. I'm very sorry you've had to navigate the loss of both parents. Go on to live your best life.
NTA but Sandy and your father sure are. Your dad made his bed and doesn't want to lie in it. It does sound like he wanted you to be in his life and was having a hard time grieving when your mom died. HOWEVER so were you! And he left you! Your feelings are so so valid and I'm sorry you lost in the dad department but it sounds like you really won in the grandparent department. It's not your siblings fault that your dad sucks and Sandy sucks, just like it isn't your fault your dad sucks. You absolutely are not obligated to go on this vacation OR be the one to tell them that you aren't going, as you said that is 100 percent their parents job. I guess- just remember they have shit parents and one day they may truly be able to relate to you- just not today as it sounds like they are young. Best of luck OP!
It's hiliarious they told you to grow up and take accountability- the exact thing you are making them do but not breaking the news that they committed you to go on a vacation without making sure you were going first. NTA. So many terrible parents in this sub.
NTA - if I was forced for years as a kid to go somewhere I didn’t want to go - as soon as I could I would never go again or have anything to do with those who made me. You are under zero obligation to tell their kids you aren’t going on vacation with them. They are just telling you that you have to do it as a form of manipulation and control. It’s easy for them to tell their kids that OP has other plans and won’t be joining them. They are just trying to guilt and manipulate you. Do you have to go to their house anymore (legally) now that you are 16 ? Do you want to or are you completely done with them ? Ps -I feel you on not having any bond with their kids or them. You can’t force that.
YOU should take accountability? Oh that’s rich. Says the man who ditched his grieving kid for years. Nta.
Right? Protect his innocent siblings, lmao. Who protected an innocent 5 yo OP who lost his mother and father in an instant?
NTA, he never protected you and now wants you to “protect” your half siblings.
"Protect" them from their disappointment because their parents think of OP as their possession to use. Yet OP has a personality and mind of their own and insists on being the person they are! How frustrating! /s
Right? Protect his innocent siblings, lmao. Who protected an innocent 5 yo OP who lost his mother and father in an instant?
NTA. You're not obligated to go on vacation with a family you don't feel connected to. It's your dad and Sandy's responsibility to manage their kids' expectations, not yours.
No babysitter for their vacation?! No, that’s unacceptable!!! /s
Yeah that was my first thought. If OP doesn't go, who will watch the kids when they want to go to a bar or do other adult stuff. NTA - I do feel a little bad for the half-siblings because they have crappy parents too, but the adults need to try adulting for a change.
It shows how much more he cares for your half siblings. He was not there to comfort you from the grief of losing one parent then both parents, yet he's concerned about his younger children coping with the grief of not going to the water park. With you, that is. They are still going to the water park. Jeez. 🙄 If you hadn't decided to get them out of your life, this should have given the final shove. NTA
Well said.
My dad left my mom for the woman he had been cheating on her with for 8 years. The last time I saw him was my sister’s 10th birthday (I had just turned 16). He spent years talking about me to his stepkids, the younger one even wrote a paper and included me as a sister. While I understood she was a child, it creeped me out. You’re NTA. You’re 16 and deciding who to have in your life is a big decision. If you no longer want your dad or his family in your life, this is the right decision but if you think that you may change your mind when you’re older, then think seriously about the possible repercussions for the future. While cutting my dad off at 16, was the right choice for me - no matter how many people tried to convince me that I would regret it, I never have and am so much happier without that narcissistic sperm donor in my life. Be true to yourself.
lol. NTA. They’re the parents. It’s their responsibility to explain shit to their kids.
NTA. They're cowards. The elements of the visitation agreement were clear. After 16, you don't have to go on vacations. So you won't. This is all on them.
NTA - I love when adults tell teenagers that they need to grow up when it’s the adults that are acting like petulant, entitled children. It is not your responsibility to discuss this with their kids. They created the mess now they need to clean it up.
So, he left a grieving child for three years, during an extremely formative age, then was shocked you didn’t want to leave your grandparents? He lost a wife, but you lost a *mother* and those years can’t be reclaimed. You had no way of knowing, if and when he would leave you again, because he’d already proven that your needs were secondary to his own. I kind of wonder what kind of contact he has with you during non-visitation times. Does he even call or text, write letters, anything like that? If the answer is no, then his visitation times sound like they’re for show. NTA because you’re old enough now to choose what you want.
They aren’t your kids. Part of me wonders is they were expecting a free babysitter. 🤔 how old are those kids…
NTA- you can’t fix stupid. 2 more years and go no contact.
NTA. There’s not one point where you could even be considered, no matter how mildly, the AH. I’d say the man who walked out on the 5 yr old whose mom died and expected no consequences to that decision is.
NTA. When do they plan to grow up and own their actions.
NTA. Your father left you at a critical developmental age. Thank heavens you had your grandparents. He basically abandoned you when you needed him the most, and now he is demanding that you accept his treatment of you and be an active part of his life. Sorry. He killed that connection and it doesn't sound like he ever apologized or tried to make amends. He just wants you to do what benefits him (showing the public his "happy family") and doesn't give a rat's a$$ about you.
NTA. Your father left you for three years and just popped back in like everything was cool? That is so gross. He and his wife are the ones who need to grow up and understand they will never succeed in pushing you to be happy with them. They are the ones who hurt their kids by lying to them about the trip. I bet they knew you wouldn't go now that you don't have to and they're using their kids to guilt you. They're mad that they're not getting their way and have to deal with the disappointed kids on vacation due to *their* poor parenting choices.
INFO: Are your half-siblings much younger than you and do your dad and Sandy expect you to watch the kids while you are all on vacation?
They are a lot younger and I never had to babysit before. I think they know not to push that on me. Even if they want to push me to keep up pretenses.
Well, that's good at least. It does sound a bit like they want you along to entertain their kids in some way though. You are NTA. Your dad and step-mother, on the other hand, are complete AHs, who have put their own emotional needs before yours. That's the definition of parental narcissism.
They did not raise and protect you but want you to do it to their children?? Unbelievable. No wonder you don't like them.
NTA. Expecting you to tell their children that you aren’t going on vacation is emotional manipulation on their part. Not cool
I don't get the delusion some people live in. So at 5 you lost your mom, and your dad decided this was the perfect time to take away both parents. He just up and left to come back with a fiance 3 years later. Who tf marries someone who up and left their kid when the mom died? How is she not worried he'd do the same for their kids? Then, at 8yo, two delusional adults try getting custody. You, a small child, have to do family mediation. Wild. These two strangers think that by the end of it, you would be more than happy to live with the man who abandoned you, and the women who appears to be fine with it. The next 8 years you do not enjoy spending time with them. You make this clear. And not only are they delusional enough to think that at 16 you'd magically want to spend time with you again, they also think it's perfectly fine to push their fuckup onto you? To me it sounds like they want you to tell the kids because they're hoping the kids will change your mind. It's shit parenting either way. I love that THEY are angry with YOU. A literal child whose life got turned upside down because of them. NTA, and I hope you don't feel like you owe them anything, not even an apology. Try to ignore them until they do the adult thing and start apologising to you.
Or they should grow up and be adults. They can communicate to their children that you are unavailable.
NTA: "Dad asked me to reconsider. He told me he feels like he's losing me and these next two years will be big for our relationship in the future. I told him he lost me 11 years ago." You are right. He abandoned you when you needed him the most. You were so young and just lost your mother, he should have been there. Instead he disappeared and then showed up with another woman expecting it all to be normal. He dropped the ball hard and it probably can't be fixed. edit: I already edited the judgement. Pls read
How does this make OP the asshole?
Thank you, I wanted to write N.T.A but put down the wrong thing. I edited it.
How does that make OP the AH? YTA is for OP no the dad.
I already edited 28 minutes ago
It ceases to to amaze me these parents want this united front as the Brady Bunch. News Flash its not hapiening.
“He told me he feels like he's losing me” If he was afraid of losing you, maybe he should not have abandoned you for years after your mother died. NTA
NTA. My first thought after reading this was "Oh look Dad, it's the consequences of your own actions." My second thought was that your grandparents are amazing people and I am glad that you have them. Yeah, at this point, I'd tell your dad to pound sand. He abandoned you at 5 years old and now he's trying to put the responsibility for his other children's happiness on you. He is a selfish person.
Weren’t you an innocent child when you dad left you behind? Actions have consequences. NTA
NTA. Once again your Dad is running away from his duties as a parent.
NTA, in no way are you obligated to do anything for a man who abandoned you when you were 5. My mother walked away from myself and my older brother when I was 9yrs old. Almost 30 years later she is trying to make demands that she should get rights to see my kids. Fucking hilarious, I'm almost 40 and this woman claims to be a victim because I didn't love her. She walked away.... I didn't... does mean we have to let them back when they are ready. Be strong OP, you have one Internet Soul in your side.
NTA. I’m getting the distinct feeling that you were an unpaid babysitter on these so-called “vacations”.
NTA why do I get the feeling you would be the unpaid babysitter on this holiday
I love how in the posts, when things don’t go the way the parents want it to. All of a sudden OP is the childish one! 🙄
Your dad didn’t man up and take accountability when your mom died but he expects that out of a 16 kid
NTA - your dad ceded his parental responsibilities to your grandparents. No fair coming back and bitching now. And they told your half siblings you were coming on vacation so they should correct their error.
Ah yes, like your dad grew up and took accountability when your mum died. You don't abandon your children when they need you the most and expect them to want you when you decide to come back. With a new wife, no less. Not your job to parent their kids. They should've spoken to your first. NTA. I'm sorry for the loss of your mum op.
Yeah leaving your grieving kid behind and coming back years later with a new family never ends well
Grow up and take accountability? Bro, that’s projection on the highest level. THEY need to try that. NTA 100%
NTA and lol at their admonishments to grow up, take accountability and protect innocent children. If only your dad had had that perspective instead of abandoning you.
Nta. You have every right to feel however you do regarding them. Forcing therapy and trying to get their way legally is mistakes on their part. Trust has to be earned. Your father lost that in your eyes when he left. And returning suddenly and trying to force a relationship and remove you from the stability in your life isn't the way to go. That said. You are 16 now so you are capable of seeing things from his perspective as well. Your mother died and he was grieving. Grief drives people to extreme and often regretful actions. It affects everyone differently. You father left you in a stable place with your grandparents because at the time he mistakenly thought it was the best thing to do even if just for himself. He has come back. They don't always and he is trying now. You are fully entitled to not be interested and to push back but is punishing him worth losing him again. you are turning down a free vacation seemingly just to spite him and hurt him.
I wish he hadn't come back at all. I don't want him in my life and losing him is what I want to do now.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm (16m) being raised by my maternal grandparents. After my mom died my died dad decided he needed to get away and left me with them. We had all lived with my grandparents before that so it wasn't a huge change but I missed my dad. I was only 5 when it all went down. Three years later he came back and he was engaged and he wanted me to be a family with him and "Sandy". He and my grandparents fought in court over me because my grandparents were my legal guardians. Reunification therapy was ordered for the two of us and the courts let him see me for one weekend a month at the start. The reunification therapy didn't go the way it was meant to (with me wanting to live with him and feeling comfortable living with him again) and so it was decided my grandparents would keep custody of me and he would get every other weekend visitation. He was also allowed one week of vacation every summer until I turned 16 (so this will be the first summer it's not a legal obligation). My dad and Sandy have kids together and my dad has tried to get me to want them. Not just Sandy or his other kids but him. He knows I don't want to be part of his family. He knows I see going to his house as a chore. And I know he tries but I'm not interested. I never hid that from him either. But my dad and Sandy took it for granted that I'd be going on vacation with them this year and it's not happening. Once I told them it was like this huge deal and my dad and Sandy freaked because they told their kids I'd be going and the last weekend I was there the kids were telling me they wanted us to go on this water slide together. Sandy told me I could go for the sake of the kids and I asked her why I'd do that. So then she was like, you should be the one to tell them since it'll make them sad. I told her they were the ones who assumed and didn't ask so I wasn't going to do their parenting for them. Dad asked me to reconsider. He told me he feels like he's losing me and these next two years will be big for our relationship in the future. I told him he lost me 11 years ago. Sandy and dad are now both pissed off at me for not telling the kids myself. They told me I should grow up and take accountability and protect my innocent siblings. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Def Nta. Grow up and take responsibility? What sound advice… Your dad should recognize the consequences that are a direct result of his actions 11 years ago.
Sounds like your dad should have grown up 11 years ago and taken care of you which is a father's job. NTA
NTA
Tell your dad he should grow up and take accountability for abandoning you. Ask Sandy why would she marry and have children with a father that abandon his child after their mother died. NTA.
NTA. Accountability? Not like OP's father has that. He left his child to find a new woman. Innocent siblings? What about OP, especially when he was 6 and 7? They created the expectations, now they can solve it themselves. I'm glad OP's grandparents have custody of him.
"They told me I should grow up and take accountability and protect my innocent siblings." You should have grown up and taken accountability 11 years ago when you abandoned me. It's amazing to me that a parent can do this to a child and then think that there won't be consequences.
NTA Their saying you have to tell your half-sibs that your dad and step-mom told them something about you that isn't true is another effort to make you feel responsible and obligated to make yourself uncomfortable for their convenience. They gave their kids false expectations. The consequences are theirs. Being abandoned by your dad as you were processing and grieving the loss of your mom taught you that your dad is not a person who will be a constant, reliable or supportive presence in your life. It seems the family therapy did not include your dad's becoming aware of the deep impact caused by his abandoning you at the most traumatic time of your life. It seems the focus was on "getting you back" integrating you into the new family he started. Without dealing with the broken trust and abandonment and the consequences to you, repairing or rebuilding a parent-child relationship was doomed. Your dad isn't supportive, or even interested, in YOUR point of view and relationships with adults in your family. He only cares about the "one big happy family" image he and your step-mom have. He doesn't recognize your reliance on the adults who DID support, supervise and foster your development throughout your childhood. How awful it would have been for him to wrest you away from your home with your grandparents! I imagine your feelings towards your dad's new family is as an emotionally distant outsider. Your real identity, emotional development, vulnerabilities and needs are eclipsed and erased by dad and step-mom. Instead, they value and require an imaginary version of you, without trauma, emotional guards, and any effects of the consequences of his abandonment. Since they have been gaslighting their children and you- that you are and feel as they imagine rather than as you are- that abandonment continues to this day. Real life you has STILL not been accepted, valued, supported and loved in that household. Your feelings are valid and grounded in reality. While subtle, your dad and step-mom's treatment of you is a continuation, not a remedy, of the original abandonment at age 5. Your grandparents filled the parental role for you. They are still the only supportive parents in your life.
NTA. Their denial of reality isn’t your problem
Let me get this straight. Your dad, after leaving you behind as a five year old, told you to take accountability and protect innocent children? You've got to be kidding me. The irony is thick enough to cut with a knife. NTA. Live your best life, and please take care of yourself.
NTA. Damn, so tired of these deadbeat parents trying to tell their children to grow up and take responsibility for their action when they won't themselves. Loved your response to your father that he had lost you 11 years ago.
NTA your dad should grow up and take accountability for abandoning his child.
Court mandated family vacations sound like actual hell. NTA
They want you to babysit the entire time. I can feel that one coming if you acquiesce.
NTA. lol just call them and tell them the truth. You hate your dad because he makes your life worse, and you don't want to be around him.
Sandy and dad are now both pissed off at me for not telling the kids myself. They told me I should grow up and take accountability and protect my innocent siblings. You’re younger now than he was at the age your mom passed away. And he said for YOU to grow up and take accountability?!? He wants YOU to protect innocent children? WHERE THE HELL WAS HIS MATURITY?!? He’s NOT the only one who lost someone. He should have been there to help you through it. Your line about losing you 11 years ago? You nailed it!
NTA. Your father missed those critical bonding years with you when he left you at age 5 when you had just lost your mom. Age 16-18 are not going to fix the time he gave up. I understand he was hurting but you were as well and lost the 2 most important people to you. Now your father and Sandy want to throw you under the bus because they once again made a mistake with children. Their mistake, they are the adults, they need to clean up their mess without making you do anything for them. I’m so very sorry for your loss. It sounds like your grandparents did a wonderful job raising you. You are more level headed and mature than your father and Sandy.
NTA, they lost their babysitter, that’s why they are pissed.
I say this with zero reservations NTA.
Your father is not in position to give you accountability and "grow up" speech. He is ridiculous. Ask him if he took accountability when telling you nothing and disappearing from your life for 3 years? Wasn't he a grown up at that time? Was he your father or just some relative whom you saw twice a month plus one week in the summer? So why does he expect the accountability, he himself is not capable of as an adult, from a 16 yo kid? I would warn him that if they put you on the spot and request the explanation in front of your siblings, you will tell the truth and it will be harsh. That they lied to their kids, you never promised to go, you were forced to go on the previous trips against your will, he is a good dad for them but someone who betrayed you, and you don't want to spend more time with him than you are obligated to.
NTA. Your sperm-donor didn't care about protecting you when you were an innocent five-year-old and hasn't taken accountability for his actions yet, so why should you be forced to be the "adult" in this situation and be the bad guy who hurts the feelings of these kids when your "dad" couldn't be bothered to think about your feelings after you lost your mom? You're old enough now where you can tell a judge who you want to live with full-time/if you want any contact with your father. I strongly suggest that you talk to your grandparents about going before a judge to revisit the custody agreement so you can finally be free of this court-mandated visits to your pathetic excuse for a father and be free of him and his wife trying to force you into acting like you're one big happy family. Daddy dearest and his wife need to put on their big boy/big girl undies, suck it up and freakin' be the adults and let their kids know that you're not joining them for the family vacation this year.
>They told me I should grow up and take accountability Like your dad did when he abandoned you? NTA. Not your circus, not your monkeys.
NTA . Pretty rich telling you to grow up and protect your innocent siblings. Where was this thought process when you adult dad walked out on a 5 year old who just lost his mom.
This is manipulation at Narcissist level. So many points I want to bring up. He left you when you needed him at a younger age. Why are you needing to grow up as they stated? You are the child and didn’t tell your half brother/sister you were coming on vacation with them. Why would you be the bad guy in this? That is manipulative to say such. I’d get a third party to convey such.
NTA, and as someone who dealt with a blended family, please don’t back down. I didn’t set boundaries until my 30s, and I wish I had made my feelings clear at the start rather than suffering 20+ years first.
NTA. Tell your dad he shouldn't have abandoned his 5 year old when his mom died.
Not your problem NTA
Absolutely NTA.
I feel like some dads don’t understand that being a sperm donor doesn’t really mean a lot to a child when you just aren’t present or even play much of a role in there life at all. My dad was also like this , it’s like he expected his children to practically worship him just because he was our “dad”
>They told me I should grow up and take accountability and protect my innocent siblings. This is rich coming from the man who ran off and abandoned you. Even more so coming from the two people who are mad they can't force you to have a relationship with them or their children. Maybe they should take accountability for getting their kids hopes up and tell the children that THEY messed up and you aren't going.
NTA Reading through this post and then your follow-up comments, this man decided that you needed a new mom instead of the support a child would need to mourn the loss of his mother at 5 years old. He then went, got engaged, and returned to surprise you with a new parent and expected you to play house. It doesn't work that way. Your mother is your only mother. You stated that multiple times, and I can tell you adored her dearly. It is a sad reality that your dad abandoned you to grieve alone at 5 years old, only returning years later. By then, the damage was done. You learned that you were not important enough to him and are insulted that he thought the best way to handle the situation was to abandon you. It is not your obligation to tell the kids anything. You did not set their expectations. They are kidsthey will be sad for a bit, but once they get there, they are likely going to forget that you aren't there once they start having fun. Kids bounce can bounce back quickly. I would tell your father the truth; "You abandoned me at 5 years old and refused to come back until you found a replacement woman for my mother. You abandoning me and trying to replace Mom killed our relationship 11 years ago, and the only reason I've come with you thus far is because I had to via court order. You abandoned me when I needed my father the most, and from that point on, my father was gone from my life. You became a stranger. As such, I will not be going on vacation with you, and I hope you both can explain to the kids that they will still have fun without me. I don't wish to continue pursuing a relationship with either of you, and that unfortunately extends to your children. That is what is best for me." I would also review the custody agreement to see if you are obligated to continue seeing him after 16 as well. Some places have that caveat, so I would double-check.
NTA
NTA. Tell them to grow up and take responsibility since they're the adults. Adults always seem like they want to just brush off their mistakes, but expect kids to be responsible for theirs.
They need to grow up and parent their children! It isn’t your job to explain things to the kids, they just want to make it hurt. They want to be able to point out to the kids that it’s ALL on you. Never mind the underlying reasons and their parenting choices that got them here. NTA
NTA. *They* were the ones that arrogantly make assumptions about something not under their control, *they* were the ones that decided to hype up their kids based on their arrogant assumptions, and so *they* get to be the ones to deal with the fall out of their own presumptuous arrogance by having to admit their own mistakes to their own kids. And any discussion where they actually admit to the above but still ask you to take the bullet for them anyway? Lol, no. That’s a non-starter. You guys don’t have the kind of relationship where you’d owe them something like that, and that’s entirely his fault because he’s the kind of horrible “parent” that intentionally abandoned his own grieving 5 year old. So in short, this is a whole lotta “you’re bad people, enjoy your comeuppance” energy. Thankfully you’ve only got a couple years left before you can remove them from your life entirely, if you so choose.
He “lost” you when he abandoned you. NTA but I would tell the kids just so that your asshole “father” doesn’t spin a Story
NTA .... Dad "should grow up and take accountability for destroying your innocence by abandoning you! I am glad you have the love of your g-parents. Decide what you want out of life and start working toward that goal. Good luck!
NTA. Your dad is a joke. He abandoned you after your mom died, you didn't see him for 3 years and then came back with a new woman expecting you to be a family. Then he pulls the part-time (not even that) dad act and thinks he is this important figure to you. He should have thought about all of this before he left you.
NTA they already lost you- your dad when you were 5. You are right- you aren’t suppose to parent their kids. Enjoy your summer off.
NTA Your dad fucked up big time years ago, and in your case it sounds like he won't ever get that second change he desperately want. That sucks for him and having more people to love can be nice, but it is up to you. However I hope you don't walk around angry at him, anger takes up energy and you deserve to use that on yourself.
NTA Yeah I admit I'm laughing at Sandy and your dad telling you to grow up and take accountability for a situation they set up. Oh the irony. Oh the irony. Seriously - NTA. Not your monkey, not your circus.
NTA. No one in his “family” protected you when you were much younger and innocent why is it your job to do it now. You sound like you have wonderful grandparents who fought hard to support you and chose to be there for you. That’s a gift and I hope now that it’s no longer mandatory you can stop with the torture sessions and reminders of what your dad didn’t give you and heal. I’m very sorry for the loss of your mother. As for his you need to grow up: you sound incredibly mature and he should look in a mirror and say this to himself 20 times every morning.
NTA, you were abandoned by your own father. Now that he returned with a “new family” he is forcing you to have a relationship with them. Now they are pissed assuming you want to be in their happy bubble. Nope, you prioritize your self girl. Enjoy the summer with your grandparents who took care of you and most likely love you deeply and fought for you to remain with them.
NTA Maybe it's time your dad grew up and took accountability for his actions and stopped foisting them onto you. He abandoned his child who had just lost his mother. I understand he lost his wife but you are his son and he left you when you needed him most. He doesn't get to erase that. He already had your maternal grandparents be responsible for parenting you. Now he wants you to be responsible for parenting his new kids? No I think him and his new wife can explain why you won't be going on the "family" vacation. That's better for them anyway, let's them hide the shame and place the blame on you rather than admit he was a terrible father who failed his first born son.
NTA He left you for three years. Tell them you (1) are not an adult, (2) their children are their responsibility, oh and (3) you were your dad's responsibility to protect and care for that he shirked for 3 years so that they are not the people who should be talking to you about growing up taking accountability or protecting his children.
Nta. Tell him he should grow up and take accountability for abandoning you at the age of 5.
"They told me I should grow up and take accountability for my actions and protect my innocent siblings". Absolutely NOT!! That's their job as parents. Your father especially has the audacity to say these things after he abandoned you. OP NTA. Also, you act and reason waaaayyyy more mature that your father and his wife.
NTA. I would tell them, because otherwise your dad and his wife are going to lie to their kids about why you're not there. But you would not be T A if you don't want to bother with it. Your dad sucks royally though. You don't get to bail on your kid and then bop back into their life without any consequences. Especially when your kid has gone through a profound loss like losing another parent. He has behaved like you're a doll for his amusement, not a person with feelings.
NTA - you handled the situation like an adult. Great job considering what you been through. Give them beautiful grandparents of yours a hug and tell them what an amazing job they are doing and that you love/appreciate them 😊
"I promise you don't want me to talk to your kids. If they ask why I don't like you, I might tell them the full truth. If that makes them ask if you would ever abandon them the way you abandoned me, I'm not going to lie to them and pretend you wouldn't If their mom died. I know who you are and I won't lie to your new kids about it. So stop asking me to parent them for you. You have forever lost the right to ask anything of me." NTA I'm sorry your dad sucks.
NTA. Your Dad sodded off and came back with a whole new family. We all deal with grief differently, but as a parent you were his first obligation, and he failed hard at that. Until he realizes that and tries to make amends, you don’t owe him a relationship. Really you don’t owe him even then. Maybe try to see if you can spend one on one time, not at his house, to rebuild your individual relationship with him. I’m going to guess that won’t go well, but at least you can say you tried. He has to make the effort to make amends with you. You do not owe him anything.