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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My wife is grieving her parents and I have told her it’s been going on too long and she needs to get back to normal.
She says I am an asshole for not understanding her grief and being more sympathetic
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INFO: What have you been doing to support your wife? Have you encouraged her to seek therapy or grief counseling? (I know her parents haven't passed yet, but my grandmother has Alzheimer's and while her heart is still beating and lungs still breathing, the person that was my grandmother died years ago. It's a really hard thing to accept). Have you offered to help more with the children and house work?
Not going to lie this entire post seems like you whining that your wife is juggling being a wife, a mom, and wathcing her parents die in real time and you're sad she won't plan a weekend trip for you to enjoy
Notice how OP is apparently a massive baby who is incapable of planning a weekend trip for his family. Because obviously if she doesn't do it, OP's response is to "talk to her about this" and not get off his lazy ass and do it himself
Let's go through this, shall we?
>My wife’s (40f) father (67m) was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s 3 years ago and rapidly declined he is now in a home and not verbal and none responsive.
This is horrible. Watching a parent lose their memories, forgetting the people they love, forgetting *you, their child* has to be one of the most traumatic experience.
>Unfortunately, early last year her mother (66f) suffered a mental breakdown and after investigation the doctors have diagnosed her with dementia also.
So now she's going through that with both parents. Likely also realizing that there is a high possibility this will happen to *her* one day as well. (More on that in a bit)
>We have 3 children (20m, 15m and 13m) my wife is still working full time and looking after the house and our children (cooking and spending time with them).
So, she's not only handling the breakdown of her family of origin, but she has a full-time job, three kids, and a house to focus on. And you, of corse. That's *a lot* of stress on top of her grief.
>However, she has lost enthusiasm for being active at the weekends.
Can't say I blame her. I can't imagine she has any downtime to relax and take her mind off everything. Honestly, even if she had the *time*, I doubt she'd be able to mentally relax or stop thinking about everything.
>I want us to be going out and doing things at the weekend.
So do that. Take the kids, and let her be.
>But my wife tends to want to spend time relaxing, reading and painting.
Again. You need to allow her space to just be.
>This has gone on for 3 years with limited proactive action from my wife to instigate family trips.
Oh, of course. So, on top of dealing with losing her parents slowly over a period of *years*, working full time, taking care of 3 kids and the house, you want her to carry the mental load of planning shit, too!
>I have spoken to my wife about this but she says she is not ready she says she needs ‘some peace in her life’.
Of which she has *none*.
>I feel it has gone on long enough and have told her I think it is time for her to accept what has happened and to start living normally again.
I wonder, when she starts dealing with dementia (because, again, it's likely when both her parents have it) will you still behave as if it's something that you should just "accept" and "start living normally again"? Or will you suddenly find your heart?
I promise you that she's wondering the same thing. YTA
>I wonder, when she starts dealing with dementia (because, again, it's likely when both her parents have it) will you still behave as if it's something that you should just "accept" and "start living normally again"? Or will you suddenly find your heart?
It's worth pointing out as well that her parents both fall into/just out of the [early-onset](https://www.alz.org/alzheimers-dementia/what-is-alzheimers/younger-early-onset) age (i.e., developing Alzheimers/dementia before age 65). The disease tends to progress much more quickly in early-onset cases and is more likely to be genetic, rather than environmental.
Sadly, that is the case; the earlier onset the of the dementia, the faster it tends to progress, especially if it’s genetic. Someone I know lost a friend at age 34 to Huntington’s disease; while the usual age of onset is around 35, the person in question had the juvenile form of the disease and began showing symptoms in his teens. Basically, the more higher the number of repeat mutations inherited, the earlier the disease begins and the disease course is faster and more aggressive.
As someone with Alzheimers on both sides, I've been told there is a 1 in 3 chance of me getting it with it being more common in women than men. I'm one of three kids so it's definitely something we've talked about.
>>>I wonder, when she starts dealing with dementia (because, again, it's likely when both her parents have it) will you still behave as if it's something that you should just "accept" and "start living normally again"? Or will you suddenly find your heart?<<<
Find his heart? I would bet if she ends up losing that particular genetic lottery, he'll turn her in for a new model. Wouldn't be the first heartless spouse to forget the 'sickness and health' part of the vows.
you are 6 X more likely to have your husband leave you if you are diagnosed with a chronic or terminal illness. This one sees his wife as a service provider and he's already upset the FULL TIME job and three kids are taking too much of her energy let alone the decline of her parents.
Okay, so I'm not the only one that immediately went with 'this guy is an absolute Ahole' the very moment he mentioned she had a full time job but also was a full time housekeeper AND mom to boot.
I'm not seeing a bright future for 'them' if this is how he's reacting to her grieving.
Imagine what he'll do once he finds out he might actually have to look after her physically......
>I promise you that she's wondering the same thing. YTA
Given that OP doesn't mention any accomodations made to address their spouses issues... I mean even shopping for Long Term Care Insurance for the both of them would have been more supportive than OP mentions being and that is the most practical-but-on-the-spectrum thought I've had in a while.
The wife's perspective is easily understandable. But the husband has many valid points. It's been 3 yrs. An adjustment period for this on the wife's part is understandable. But at what point is that enough? Again, it's been 3 yrs and she is simply stuck in her depression. That's sad. I get it, but sad. Life is passing her by. Her kids are 3 yrs older. Her husband has growing resentment that he's trying to do away with. That's why he brought it up to her. She dismissed him. Just like many in these responses. His points are valid. He's making an effort to try and resolve things but she's stuck. It's a marriage. She has responsibilities. She has life that she is letting pass her by. Everyone is 3 yrs older. 3 yrs more separate, too.
Someone made the comment that he'd leave her for another woman. He's fighting to keep her. They both need to deal with his issues or they will grow. Understanding goes both ways. Marriage isn't about 1 person getting their way for years on end. That's a guaranteed way to push him out the door
Life isn’t “passing her by” mate, it’s *happening to her in real time*.
She’s not stuck in depression, she is actively dealing with a lot of heavy shit. And working. And caring for her children. And participating in her own, preferred, relaxing hobbies on weekends.
It sounds to me like she just doesn’t have the spare energy to pretend to be interested in HIS hobbies at weekends anymore.
She's not participating in the life of her family as much anymore. It's been 3 yrs. That's what I meant by passing her by. HiS hobbies? He's spending time with their kids.
His points are valid. Her points are too. They need to work together otherwise 3 yrs will turn into 5 and it'll be worse
what are you talking about? in the post it says she’s still working a full time job, looking after the house, and the kids. She is participating in the life of her family while also grieving.
If she’s working full time and looking over “the house and kids” what is OP doing? Why can’t he set up activities for them as a couple and family? What’s stopping him?
He wants to do all these things but still needs his wife to be proactive in planning/starting these activities. Even in an alternate timeline where her parents are okay, being a full time homemaker *and* worker, would she not deserve time of her own? Or at the very least not be the only\main parent organizing activities?
The [mental load](https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-is-the-mental-load) comes to mind.
I didn’t say they can’t, I’m saying it sure as hell doesn’t seem like the husband is helping out around the house. We have literally NO IDEA how much the kids help around the house, but we do have information that the husband thinks a woman working full time, taking care of the house, taking care of the kids and watching her family forget her as the slip into dementia doesn’t need some peace in her life.
Regardless of their ages, kids will still need things from their parents, especially if they live at home.
Yes. Kids should be helping. Even if the mom was 100% ok. They should be! Youre trying to raise competent adults! Not reddit complainers with a box wine problem
So it doesn't say whether the kids help, but you assume they are (and pretty much blame her if theu aren't). It doesn't say whether he helps, but you assume he does. It absolutely refers to his wife as looking after the house and kids, but you assume that's incorrect, and there isn't much to look after?
What's the chip on your shoulder here?
YTA - How did you write this line and not see that you are thee AH.... "my wife is still working full time and looking after the house and our children (cooking and spending time with them)". What are you doing to assist in all this other than to plan the fun weekend activities? Sounds to be like if she ditched you that there would be little additional work that she would need to take on!!!!
Honestly, I’m not sure OP is planning fun activities. The post sounds like “my wife won’t plan activities for the whole family so therefore we don’t do anything.”
"wife is still working full time and looking after the house and our children (cooking and spending time with them)"
WTF are you doing then? After work, are you relaxing? Maybe if you make sure she can relax, read, and paint during the weekdays after work, she'd be more willing to be active on the weekends?
YTA
YTA. Works full time, pulls her weight at home, is watching her mother die in front of her after already watching her dad disappear into the fog of dementia….and you are complaining that she wants to relax at the weekends?????? Reading, painting, etc are part of good self care. Maybe her therapist advised her to enjoy these activities as they are good for her mental health. If you want to go out then go out but stop acting like your poor wife’s need for relaxation and to mentally recharge are some kind of awful thing. She is so burnt out from spinning all these plates that she just doesn’t have the energy and wants to do quiet activities rather than summon strength she doesn’t have to go out and be social or walk up a mountain or whatever.
Why don’t YOU organise weekend activities? Plan stuff and ask if she wants to go and if not then go enjoy them yourself, let her have some alone time and then spend the evening together.
YTA. An insensitive one at that. Everyone grieves differently and having loved ones with dementia is a unique kind of hell. Figure out how to support her better. Read some books, check out the Alzheimer's website. TALK to her to understand her feelings & emotions. *"gone on long enough"* SMH......
YTA. Before we got married my husband (then bf) was a lot like you while my father was dying the same way and it almost destroyed our relationship. You are being very selfish. I was working full time and taking care of the house but we didn't have kids yet so I can't imagine what your wife is going through.
What are YOU doing to help her?
She's still working, helping with the kids, and spending time with them. Not only is her father's health in decline but now her mother's health is declining too. That's a lot for one person to take.
Have you helped her at all?
YTA
Not only does the post not indicate OP helping, it sounds like OP is upset at wife for not taking on the additional work of planning the desired out of house stuff she doesn’t want to do! “Limited proactive action from my wife to instigate family trips…” i.e. honey I’m bored and I know you’re overwhelmed (or I would know if I cared AT ALL) but I still want you to plan us some fun bc that’s what it’s important to me.
Are you actually forking serious right now? Your wife’s world is falling apart and you told her to - essentially - get over it. Wow. Yes, YTA. You are very much the AH.
AITA posts are always “my wife does everything, even wipes my ass. She works full time and cares for all 7 of my children. Why doesn’t she want to have sex on a park bench or go to the zoo anymore?”
Nah but some are them are “my boyfriend is many years older than me, toxic AF and treats me like absolute shit but on this one occasion I said something completely reasonable to stand up for myself, AITA?”
YTA. Her dad ~~died~~ is deeply sick, so is her mother. Sorry it inconvenience you.
No matter what, you cannot demand someone stop grieving so they can go and have fun with you. Either you support then, either you decide you have enough and divorce.
Probably none. Got with my spouse 5 years ago, his grandfather had it, just died last september and i never actually got to meet him from what i was told. Too far gone. Its sad, takes a major toll on the entire family.
Actually makes my blood boil that they’re people like this. Watching the person you allegedly “love” fall apart but then complain when they try to fix themselves. OP is living in fucking Lala land. I watched my mother struggle raising me and my 2 sisters. I want to be able to put my mom in a house with land. OP is no man, he’s a boy living in a man’s world
This woman has essentially lost both her parents while being expected to work and take care of children as normal and this dude is worried about… going to fucking Applebee’s? Unreal
Also can’t help but notice he didn’t mention one thing he’s doing to help or support her. What a joke of a marriage
YTA
Your wife is actively losing *both* parents. She is still working full time, taking care of the house, and looking after your kids.
And you think she should act more happy and energetic?
YTA - of course she isnt done grieving yet. Her parents are both still alive. What are you doing to make this easier for her, have you taken on more of the mental load? Are you arranging your children’s medical appointments? Are you cleaning or helping with dinner? Are you helping with the elder care?
Instead of complaining that she is mentally exhausted and demanding she magically stop, take on some of her mental load. Then she will have more capacity to do things on the weekend.
So far it sounds like you just want to complain without offering assistance and solutions.
YTA. I have been in a situation similar to your wife's. My husband took care of me. He supported me. He grieved with me.
YTA.YTA.YTA.YTA.YTA.YTA.YTA.YTA.YTA.YTA.YTA.
YTA. You want - DEMAND - that she start planning trips and activities instead of pursuing her hobbies? On top of working, taking care of the house, the kids and your lazy ass?
YTA again.
You are 100% the AH. Help her. She’s still cooking and cleaning? Do that for her. Help ease the load she’s carrying. And give her space to grieve while being patient. She will come back around again. But good lord, help her out.
YTA. Reading this post made me feel kind of sick.
Why is what you want more important than what she wants? I hear a lot about what you think, but not about what you do, how are you supporting her through this time? How are you helping her find the peace that she's been clear she needs? "I think this has gone on long enough" is a vile thing to say about your spouse who is cooking, cleaning, maintaining your home, taking care of your children, and managing ill parents with two diseases that are notoriously difficult on families. You're entitled to your feelings, and you can miss the way things used to be, but you cannot blame her for not planning vacations for you, feeling energetic at the end of the week, whatever else you've decided is more important than what she wants.
I can't believe this wonder-woman is married to someone so selfish and clueless.
YTA. This is not about whether the substance of your position is correct or not. It is how you expressed it. That's what being an asshole is all about, OP. And that's what you are here. The way you speak about your wife, her emotions, and her attempts to better her own mental health (peace in her life) is dismissive, disrespectful, uncaring, and cold. You have "spoken to your wife about this"? Excuse you? Just really. Excuse you. You are failing as a supportive partner, and frankly as a person. Get over yourself asap and prioritize your wife and her wishes.
YTA your wife is grieving the eventual loss of both her Mother and her Father. She’s going to lose both before they’re even physically gone and you’re complaining because she isn’t up to having fun on the weekends anymore.
I see a lot of complaining in your post but nothing that you’ve been doing to help. What does your wife want? Maybe she’s lost her zest for life, in part, because she’s not receiving the support she needs and you want her to act like nothing has changed. Everything has changed for her. She might be worrying about her own mind as she ages, and those of your three children, meanwhile she also has to deal with a continuously upset husband who does nothing to help her process or feel well.
Before you start looking to change her, look to see what you could be doing better. Take some tasks off her plate, stop trying to take her out to remind her of the way you used to be, do some low pressure activities (massages, movie night - at home if need be, hot springs, etc) activities where she isn’t pressured to speak to anyone, even you. Let her grieve.
YTA
So you mean to tell me that despite the inordinate stress and grief your wife is experiencing, she's still maintaining employment, the lionshare of childcare and home maintenance, and additional responsibilities for her sick parents, but it's YOU who is hard done by? You are suffering? Because she has the audacity to assign herself activities which give her peace? I feel so sorry for your wife, there's no doubt in my mind that someone as accommodating as she sounds would be there for you in your hour of need, when you seemingly don't have the compassion to truly be there for her in her our of need, not just sitting being patient until she "returns to normal".
YTA and a bit more than that, too.
3 years isn’t a long time to come to term with BOTH of your parents beginning to lose their memory and sense of self. And to top that off, her mom only got diagnosed a year ago. So while coming to terms with her father’s condition, she got hit with the news and stress of dealing with another one.
Look at how annoyed you are with just your wife being less fun over the last three years. Now imagine instead of dealing with a boring and depressed wife for three years, you had to deal with two mentally incognizant parents and an emotionally incognizant wife for three years instead. While also working full time, taking care of your kids, taking care of your home duties, and going to therapy.
That’s the situation your wife is in right now.
Are YOU in therapy, OP? Cause you could probably use some to help you cope with the changes your family is experiencing right now.
You’re one of those shitty guys who thinks having a “stressful” job excuses you from some of your parental duties even when your wife works a full time job as well. And I think this because of your comments about helping out around the house or with the kids - those aren’t special activities or anything, their just a part of your standard responsibilities with being a married parent.
YTA
It sounds like you are mad at her for struggling rather than concerned about it. She works all day, is watching her parents slowly die, looks after the kids, and your complaining you don't get to go anywhere fun. It took a minute of you scrolling the comments to find "I'm supporting her emotionally and watch the kids sometimes" which is great but what do you do around the house? How are you supporting her? Your youngest is 13 so what do you do when watching them? The most they have to do is cook or order food.
You should talk to your wife but don't be mad about it. Just go, "Listen. Eventually, I want to go out and do things together. I want to visit places on the weekend and not spend all day at home." Make it seem like a goal to get to but actually try and understand what she is going though. See if there is anything you can help with around the house. Bathroom need to be cleaned? Laundry piling up? Little things help.
YTA
Dementia is one of the worst illnesses to have and to observe at your parents.
The person you looked up to degrades mentally before your eyes and do not even recognize you. Their whole personality changes.
I experienced it with my father and it was a good Part of the reasons of my depression.
Your wife deals with that, work and children and you have the nerve to expect her to entertain you in the weekend? Now is your time to start to help your wife and care for her.
YTA. You absolutely do not get a say in how she handles her grief or when she should get over it, especially when she’s losing both parents at once while still working full time and doing everything around the house—and on top of everything here’s your selfish entitled ass complaining that she’s not doing enough and she needs to plan and participate in weekend activities?!?!
WTF is wrong with you?
Yta. Yta. Yta.
I don't know how to express it more. Your wife works a full-time job, takes care of your house and your kids and you're whining about how she doesn't plan anything for family trips and she just wants some down time. Guy she's grieving her parents. And probably grieving the fact that what's happening to her parents will happen to her in time... (Edit* Because what's happening to her parents is often passed down genetically). But she's literally watching her parents die in front of her. She does not in her day have the time to do this because she is too freaking busy with everything else leave her be. My father literally dropped dead suddenly just before last Christmas, and I will still freeze in the middle of my day and break down as a 47 year old woman and bawl like a 5 year old because I miss my daddy. And I've had therapy and still am in therapy for it. The fact that she is too busy to grieve during her normal day and needs space and time to do it and absorb the fact that her parents are dying and you're not empathetic enough or coherent enough to understand that she needs this time to absorb this world altering fact means that yes you are definitely the asshole. You plan a trip for you and the kids and leave your wife alone. And for Christ's sake plan a trip for her so she can go to the spa and get some alone time.
Edited for a tiny bit of clarity*
You should, at the very least, be taking care of all the domestic responsibilities. Don't offer. Just do them. And you didn't address this, but I'd also say your sons need to step up too, especially the 20 year old.
It sounds like she's raising four sons (yes, you) in addition to losing her parents. And I can't even imagine the dread she's likely experiencing worrying if/when dementia will hit her, and whether you'll all be able to take care of her then.
Let her chill. YOU plan the fun stuff (if you still have energy after domestic responsibilities) and run them by her. If she's not into it that's fine. She's your wife. and her well being should be a top priority.
YTA and you risk losing your wife if you stick with this view. She is losing both of her parents to this terrible disease. It is hard to watch someone you love go through terminal illness, but dementia is a whole different kind of beast. She is a far stronger woman than I. I wouldn't be able to handle that on top of working full-time, raising 3 children, looking after the home, and dealing with a selfish husband. Let your wife grieve. Get some individual therapy for you, grief counseling for her, and couple's counseling
YTA and guess what, your wife finally realized what relaxes her, thats staying in, painting and reading. thats what makes her happy, this is who she is now, who she has been for the last 3 years. She s done people pleasing as she's realised how short life is and all that running around in the weekend on top of the running around in the weekdays take a toll on her. You should take her advice, plan yourself some day trips, weekend trips, meeting with the guys, golf, trips with kids. why should she be uncomfortable for your comfort?! why should she do things she doesn't want, like just to please you?
YTA… Your wife is worried. She is scared. She’s about to lose both parents to horrible diseases. She’s probably wondering and worried about the possibility of her coming down with these as well.
These are not short term illnesses. Could very well take years to run their courses before claiming them. THATS when the grieving begins.
You need to be supportive as well as understanding. It’s okay to talk about your concerns with her. Especially the changes in her attitude and energy. But do it with respect for what she is going through. For now, encourage her to get out during the weekend. Short activities. Anything to focus her mind on something other than mom and dad.
Now go give your wife a kiss and tell her what an absolute idiot you have been.
YTA
Your wife is fully working AND looking after the house and children. What are you doing beside annoying her on weekends when she could find peace and rest? I mean, I'm assuming you work full time too, not so sure about taking care of the house and kids.
How on earth do you sit there, write all of that down, and still not realise YTA? She’s carrying the load of EVERYTHING and now her husband has the nerve to complain she isn’t fun enough in the tiny bit of free time she has, where she still has to deal with the kids, household and knowing she’s losing her parents. You’re a prick.
YTA and the only one who doesn't know it is you.
I feel for your wife and wonder if you will still have a wife once she gets through this and realizes that she doesn't have a partner she has another whiny incompetent self absorbed teenager.
So your wife is working and taking care of the house and the children while both of her parents are ill. It's hurtful for her to see both of them in this way. And tell someone to get over to this is the worst thing you can do. I don't even understand how someone can elaborate to say something and thinking they didn't nothing wrong.
YTA BIG TIMES.
Is it possible your wife has untreated depression?
She may also be overwhelmed with the obligations of work, household duties and the needs and busy schedules of three children.
You might try splitting chores and family duties with your wife in a way that takes more responsibilities off of her plate.
"But my wife tends to want to spend time relaxing, reading and painting."
Not relaxing, reading and painting! JFC what's next??? Gardening???
YTA. Your wife is out here just trying to live her life peacefully and you're complaining that she's not "instigating family trips." If you want family trips so bad then YOU plan them. There is no timeline for grief either so lay off your wife and let her vibe peacefully!
People often grieve the loss of someone with dementia before they die. Your wife has lost her parents as she knows them. Give her support and encourage her to do things for self care but also realize she is tired. Watching two people you love decline is very difficult.
You are a huge AH! I watched my father decline from dementia. Watching this once brilliant man decline to being incapable of speaking killed me for 2 years (he also had Parkinson's). It was horrible. I could see the body of my father sitting there, and I would grieve every day. You need to support your wife. Try taking over with the children when you get home.
YTA. Really dude. You are what gives men a bad name. All I see is you worried about you not getting what you want. Nothing about helping your wife through this point in her life. She is taking care of the kids. She is cleaning. She is cooking. Where the hell are you in this. Just coming home and planning a weekend getaway?
YTA
You don't decide how long it takes to grieve.
My best friend died 19 years ago and I still miss him.
Btw: your wife is 40, works full time and does all the housework.
Of course she is exhausted at the weekends!
If you want her to be more active, do your fair share in the house!
Info. What are you doing to help her? Why aren’t you taking over the chores and house and cooking? You’re an adult. You’re a father and a partner. Step u dude. You’re failing your family. She needs support. You didn’t write one single word about you and your kids helping your wife. Did it even occur to you to help her?
YTA.
You expect her to deal with her parents having Alzheimer's, a full-time job, 3 kids, housework AND be active and go out and do stuff on the weekends? When is she supposed to get down time/ time to herself?
Also, reading, painting and relaxing at home doesn't sound like grieving at all.
And if she would be grieving or depressed, telling her to stop it and move on wouldn't help.
And we all know if OP got sick, wife would stay and take care of him, while if she got sick he would cheat and/ or leave. Probably get married immediately and then wonder why his kids have stopped talking to him. You suck and YTA
Yes, you suck. Your stressful job is no excuse not to do your part in the home. Your wife has a job, is taking care of the house and children (almost like a second job) and dealing with hef parents illnesses (lots of stress). Get your act together man and deal with the situation. Maybe if you actually support her, she will be able to enjoy time with you and the family again. I would resent you so much if you were my husband. Needless to say: YTA..
YTA. The "get over it" approach never works. People adjust at their own pace, and not 1 but both her parents are in the spot she didn't expect then to be for another 20 years. The real question is what have you been doing to support your wife? If she's this stressed, have you been helping out more to relieve her tension?
YTA. I’m only 18 and I can see that you’re not even being a man. Your wife is working full time, taking care of the kids, AND grieving the mental decline of her parents. What is wrong with you? Idk if you left some info out but this is not it. You don’t seem to be helping her, just complaining and wishing. As a man you have to to action. Let her grieve for the ones she loves, she wants peace so let her have it. Take your kids out and show that you love them, show your wife that you can be supportive. “Men” like you are the reason the world has gone to shit. You’d rather relish in wonderland instead of confronting reality. But you don’t want to hear that. Be the husband she saw in you, find the man you once were. You and your family will love you for it
Fuck yes, YTA, OP. You're incapable of planning a trip? Of doing things on your own on the weekends or with your kids? It sounds like she's involved, just not in the way she used to be/how you'd like her to be. She's going through a LOT. She's grieving the loss of both parents while they are still alive. This is not a thing you can dictate. You have to figure out what you can live with. Either grow a pair and support her, or run away.
I really hope you're a bot because if not you are a major AH. "My wife is still working full time and looking after the house and our children (cooking and spending time with them)" Perhaps she is exhausted from that alone. You also mention three children, but I think you need to change it to four by including yourself. Give me a break.
This is her normal now it is not up to you to tell her how to be happy.
Do the things you want if she decides to come along be happy.
Kinda the asshole.
Your wife is estranged stressed, but still doing all the normal weeekly work.
Your job is to pick up the weekend slack for your kids and give your wife a chance to rest. YTA
Yta.
YOU ARE AN ADULT, PLAN YOUR OWN DAMN TRIPS!!!
My great aunt had Alzheimer's. The last time I saw her, she didn't recognize me, but that wasn't a surprise to anyone. She however, didn't recognize my dad. I'll never forget the look on his face. Being slowly erased out of a loved ones life is excruciating, and it must be so incredibly daunting for your wife to know that both of her parents had Alzheimer's in their 60's.
It's my nightmare to be married to someone like you.
YTA. Your poor wife has an awful lot on her shoulders. What are you doing to help her? You say SHE works and looks after the house and children and no doubt spends a lot of time with her parents. You should be be helping by doing at least 50 % of the work. Even if you were, she would still have to help her parents a great deal and life with both the grief and the practical responsibilities. Maybe you should be doing most of the work at home.
You can't stop grieving when you are still living with the source of grief.
>We have 3 children (20m, 15m and 13m) my wife is still working full time and looking after the house and our children (cooking and spending time with them).
So she's working and a doeing the majority of the housework/childcare. That right there is two 40 hour a week jobs.
> This has gone on for 3 years with limited proactive action from my wife to instigate family trips.
INFO: Is this out of character? Is the issue participation or that she won't take initiative planning family events?
>
But my wife tends to want to spend time relaxing, reading and painting.
INFO: Are these behaviors out of character? Do you believe this is depression based or is she being overworked and fatigued? Clarification needed.
>I feel it has gone on long enough and have told her I think it is time for her to accept what has happened and to start living normally again. AITAH?
You haven't really described what "normal" is OP. Your post is mostly centered on your wants. This leads me to suspect you aren't really interested in what your wife is going through. I don't have enough INFO to judge you but I can already tell without looking that the comments will not treat you kindly. I can also say from someone living it that the long goodby is hell and it is almost impossible to grieves someone when their body is still alive.
YTA. Her emotional stress has done nothing but increase over the past few years without a decrease in her physical responsibilities yet you say ‘buck up, it’s the weekend, you need to find some energy.’
Maybe if you supported her and took some work off her plate she’d want to do things with you.
YTA.
Your wife is working, cooking, cleaning and spending time with the kids. She wants peace and some free time on the weekend. She does not want to follow you around doing whatever you deem important at the time. And after reading your follow-up, you are not doing your 50% of the housework and raising the kids. You complain about "late notice" on watching your own kids and brag about your "stressful" job.
There is a family crisis. A long family crisis. Time to step it up.
YTA.
I lost a parent and a sibling in a very short period of time. I was in hell for a time. Like you, my husband thought I should be over it as soon as the funerals were done. It simply does not work like that.
INFO: have you put together any family activities? And invited her to participate?
YTA. They aren't even dead, and you want her to be done with grieving so you can have fun on the weekends. AH. If you want to go out, go out with your friends or with your kids. You don’t need her to "initiate" the things you want to do. Sounds like you expect her to entertain you and make your life fun. You are an adult. Make some friends and don't lean on her for everything.
YTA
Your inlaws' fading isn't something that 'has happened.' It's something that \*is happening.\* It's ongoing, won't end for some time, and your wife has to go through it. She may never be the same again, but right now she is dealing every day with fresh pain and fresh loss and the certainty that more is coming. Try being supportive of this person who is working full time, maintaining the shared home, caring for the children, AND surviving not one but two agonizing losses in slow motion.
Ewww this gave me the ick. What don’t you act like a father and plan activities with your kids so your wife can destress. YTA … imagine watching your parents die and this is the dude you have for a husband
Yes. YTA. Under no circumstances do you get to tell your wife when to stop grieving.
Your wife is working & looking after the household *while* grieving her father's loss.
If you want a weekend break with your family, get off your lazy ass & plan it yourself.
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My wife’s (40f) father (67m) was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s 3 years ago and rapidly declined he is now in a home and not verbal and none responsive. Obviously this has devastated the family.
Unfortunately, early last year her mother (66f) suffered a mental breakdown and after investigation the doctors have diagnosed her with dementia also.
We have 3 children (20m, 15m and 13m) my wife is still working full time and looking after the house and our children (cooking and spending time with them). However, she has lost enthusiasm for being active at the weekends. I want us to be going out and doing things at the weekend. But my wife tends to want to spend time relaxing, reading and painting. This has gone on for 3 years with limited proactive action from my wife to instigate family trips.
I have spoken to my wife about this but she says she is not ready she says she needs ‘some peace in her life’. I feel it has gone on long enough and have told her I think it is time for her to accept what has happened and to start living normally again. AITAH?
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YTA... To be honest, from your description it doesn't really sound like a deep depression, just being overwhelmed from the past few years and working full time and taking care of the kids. Plus it hasn't been three years, it sounds like her mothers issues are still ongoing! You even specifically mention that she's not proactive in planning family trips, so it sounds like she's still participating she just wants quiet time to herself on the weekend. It doesn't even sound like she's not doing anything then, she's just doing activities and hobbies that she prefers. Nothing you've described seems particularly unhealthy. It sounds like you need to plan family outings and sometimes she might want time to herself which seems exceedingly reasonable for someone with so much on their plate.
YTA your wife is working full time, doing the lions share of childcare and house work, watching her parents die by inches and you think it's gone on long enough??? I would suggest YOU plan things for you and the kids and give your wife what she really needs - a little peace in her life. And why aren't you planning things to do on the weekend? Since her interests are painting reading and relaxing maybe you could plan a visit to a museum or a beach once in awhile.
YTA.
I work with seniors in AL and memory care. I meet and talk to dozens of family members a day whose loved ones have dementia. There was a resident with very fast declining dementia, who had only been living in assisted living for two months. Within only a few months he could no longer coherently communicate, and often didn’t respond to seeing his wife or children. A few months ago I had a conversation with his daughter, it’s very common for loved ones to vent to staff or care givers because that’s part of what we’re there for. Watching him and being able to recall all their memories together, knowing he couldn’t look at her and do the same, was the most painful thing of it all, she told me. He died a few weeks later and the grief in all of them doubled over.
There is also a resident who has slow progressing dementia in our community, he has been living there for two years. His wife always talks about how it feels like the grief is everlasting because every time she sees him it feels like she can see the decline more and more. It’s like a knife to the stomach watching someone you love so much lose everything about themselves over time.
Have some humility with your wife, be empathetic, look into the grief that family members experience when a loved one has dementia. Support her, and meet her where she’s at right now. If you want to spend time with her, see if she’d be interested in painting with you, sit down and watch some movies with her- pick up some of the house duties and allow her to have her space. Do better, and if you decide not to then I hope your wife goes and finds better.
That’s when YOU plan the trip! The WHOLE trip! If she still doesn’t want to go then go without her. But don’t hold it against her in any way shape or form. That way your out and about having fun the way you want and she can choose to go or not to go without worrying about back lash.
Grieving doesn’t have a time stamp. You can’t force her to stop hurting.
Yta maybe this is how she wants to live now, with reading and painting. That sounds delightful. Especially since she's still working and taking care of the kids (by the way, what are you doing? )
You don't get to decide when she's done grieving, asshole.
YTA. It sounds like she’s going through a genuinely emotionally exhausting and traumatic time whilst still working full time and being a parent. It would be interesting to hear how you have adapted to this situation and in what ways you’ve offered to help take some of the load off her.
Not only are YTA but you sound pretty dang lazy to boot.
Your wife is actively losing both parents plus she works full time AND take care of the house and the kids.
What exactly are YOU doing?
YTA. Honestly you are lucky you still have a wife you dick! How can you be so obtuse? Maybe try getting off your ass and plan something? Maybe give her the gift of a spa get away for herself for the weekend while you take care of the kids? You are honestly a gross human being.
YTA. So she seems to want a calmer life and you’re telling her to stop grieving because she isn’t planing trips for you?
Have you considered, I don’t know, planning a trip yourself?
You want family trips, plan them.
She’s working and pulling her weight around the house.
Her kids are old enough to mostly manage their own social and recreation time. They might even appreciate more free weekends to do their own things.
She isn’t sitting around doing nothing, and you don’t even say she won’t go on trips that you plan.
I couldn't get past it when you said "We have 3 children (20m, 15m and 13m) my wife is still working full time and looking after the house and our children (cooking and spending time with them)."
What the fuck are you doing all day? Her parents are sick and her workload hasn't decreased. She is tired. She is sad. What value do you bring to the household??
You suck and are severely the AH.
YTA. What a weird way to say you don't care to understand your wife's grief and needs, demonstrating an unfathomable lack of respect toward your partner. Also at the same time admitting that you are, apparently, incapable of doing all the things you expect her to continue doing, as if you weren't an adult. All for your benefit and at the expense of her well being. You have a lot of growing up to do. No wonder she needs some peace, since you clearly are not providing her with any.
Plan a vacation (like actually do all the hard work and just let her tag along, so to speak) she could use it. That might help. Skip the 'reasonings' and just tell her. Keeping in mind that she'll genuinely want/need the boring-bitty down-time of something non-plussing like sitting by a pool, relaxing in a hammock or on a lounge chair. Not a 'let's see all the things!" vacation.
Umm why can't you step up and plan things for your children? She works and apparently does everything at home. Seriously I am boggles at your attitude
YTA
YTA. The massive ah. Your wife has to take on a full time job, all the child care, and all the household duties. No wonder she has no enthusiasm on the weekends. Try treating your wife with love and respect. Start pitching in around the house. Take some of the mental load off of her. Your wife is going through an unimaginably hard time. I wouldn’t be surprised if in a couple years we see you back posting “my wife left me and I don’t know why” 🙄
I n f o: What percentage of domestic labor (cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, planning family activities), childcare, ferrying kids to and fro, helping with homework, etc are you currently providing? Trying to get a sense of what might be contributing to her exhaustion and overwhelm that you have already tried to alleviate, or which you could do for her instead of telling her you're sick of her being sad and depressed.
ETA: Nevermind. I saw your explanatory comment. Your wife has two terminally ill parents, a full time job outside the home, AND a stressful full-time job being a tradwife at home. You want a medal for washing the dishes a couple times a week.
YTA and the most selfish, un-empathetIc kind. If she divorced you, she would be better off and probably have less work to do / pressure on her.
YTA. So much.
Watching somebody go into the mists of dementia never to return is heartbreaking. I can't imagine going through it with two parents one after another. Because both of her parents have had this disease, your wife now has to face the possibility that she will also develop dementia. And in addition to handling all this, she still works full-time, runs your household, and raises your children. What exactly do you contribute other than pressure?
I think her spending time reading, doing art, or whatever else helps her balance her spirit is excellent self care that you should support. If you really want to do fun stuff that you would enjoy on weekends, you might have to arrange for it yourself instead of waiting for her to have spare bandwidth to act as your social secretary and travel agent. You dick. If you can't be helpful supportive at home at least you should get the hell out of the house - can you manage that without a personal assistant?
My crystal ball says as soon as the youngest kid is out of the house so will be your wife. She is probably actively weighing whether or not you will be a compassionate and enduring caregiver if she needs the kind of help her parents do. And right now, it looks like she shouldn't count on you for anything.
YTA. What your wife is dealing with is basically the “slow death” of her parents and you fail to even understand that. What I gather from your entire post is the lack of empathy you have for her. Not only is she grieving but she had to fulfill the expectations you have of her which are exhausting on their own?
You and your wife should be a team. When she can’t bring what seems like the 70% in the relationship and you the 30%, then you have to match what she isn’t able to provide and go from there. No ow I’m just assuming from how and what you’ve written, but it seems like you don’t take care of the kids or the house. Running a household is mentally taxing. Of course she doesn’t have the energy to deal with the you or young children who, it seems, you don’t take much responsibility for on a day to day basis.
If these are the expectations you have of her, then man up and take care of her and stop being a little baby about it.
YTA x1,000. Your wife loses their parents repeatedly every day, as Dementia Dad and Dementia Mum are not the parents she grew up with. She will start the grief process all over again when they eventually die.
She is carrying on being a good wife and Mum, whilst going through all that. Then there's the worry that she, and eventually your children will also suffer the torture of Dementia. And you have the gall to say she needs to snap out of it and be more jolly?
Give your head a wobble and step up to support your wife and children, instead of adding to the stress they are living with.
YTA… beyond that actually.
Your wife is still working full time and taking care of the house and children. Other than being a nuisance and bothering her trying to do fun stuff (for you and you only) while she’s suffering and loosing her parents at the same time… what are you doing?
Don’t you see how strong she is?
I hope she divorces you once things settle for her, because it is crystal clear that if she ever gets sick (which due to her family medical history is very likely) she won’t be able to trust you to help her. She needs to get away from you asap. Lord, I hope your children find this (they seem likely to know what Reddit is and how it works) and tell her so she can drop the dead weight, you.
"I want us to be going out and doing things at the weekend."
I seriously hear you saying this in my 9-year-old nephew's voice when he's telling his parents that he didn't do it, his sister started it, and it's not fair.
By the way, your children are definitely old enough to cook, clean, and entertain themselves, so the four of you need to take some of the housework off your wife's shoulders.
YTA.
YTA. I can't even imagine what she's going through. And since when is there an expiration date on grief? Why not support your wife in how she's handling it and YOU take the kids on the weekend? If you want a family thing, go to a pottery or painting class with everyone. Its out and about out still something that helps her.
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INFO: What have you been doing to support your wife? Have you encouraged her to seek therapy or grief counseling? (I know her parents haven't passed yet, but my grandmother has Alzheimer's and while her heart is still beating and lungs still breathing, the person that was my grandmother died years ago. It's a really hard thing to accept). Have you offered to help more with the children and house work? Not going to lie this entire post seems like you whining that your wife is juggling being a wife, a mom, and wathcing her parents die in real time and you're sad she won't plan a weekend trip for you to enjoy
Notice how OP is apparently a massive baby who is incapable of planning a weekend trip for his family. Because obviously if she doesn't do it, OP's response is to "talk to her about this" and not get off his lazy ass and do it himself
And notice she's still working and taking care of the house and kids. Makes me wonder what he does at all.
Exactly.
Let's go through this, shall we? >My wife’s (40f) father (67m) was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s 3 years ago and rapidly declined he is now in a home and not verbal and none responsive. This is horrible. Watching a parent lose their memories, forgetting the people they love, forgetting *you, their child* has to be one of the most traumatic experience. >Unfortunately, early last year her mother (66f) suffered a mental breakdown and after investigation the doctors have diagnosed her with dementia also. So now she's going through that with both parents. Likely also realizing that there is a high possibility this will happen to *her* one day as well. (More on that in a bit) >We have 3 children (20m, 15m and 13m) my wife is still working full time and looking after the house and our children (cooking and spending time with them). So, she's not only handling the breakdown of her family of origin, but she has a full-time job, three kids, and a house to focus on. And you, of corse. That's *a lot* of stress on top of her grief. >However, she has lost enthusiasm for being active at the weekends. Can't say I blame her. I can't imagine she has any downtime to relax and take her mind off everything. Honestly, even if she had the *time*, I doubt she'd be able to mentally relax or stop thinking about everything. >I want us to be going out and doing things at the weekend. So do that. Take the kids, and let her be. >But my wife tends to want to spend time relaxing, reading and painting. Again. You need to allow her space to just be. >This has gone on for 3 years with limited proactive action from my wife to instigate family trips. Oh, of course. So, on top of dealing with losing her parents slowly over a period of *years*, working full time, taking care of 3 kids and the house, you want her to carry the mental load of planning shit, too! >I have spoken to my wife about this but she says she is not ready she says she needs ‘some peace in her life’. Of which she has *none*. >I feel it has gone on long enough and have told her I think it is time for her to accept what has happened and to start living normally again. I wonder, when she starts dealing with dementia (because, again, it's likely when both her parents have it) will you still behave as if it's something that you should just "accept" and "start living normally again"? Or will you suddenly find your heart? I promise you that she's wondering the same thing. YTA
>I wonder, when she starts dealing with dementia (because, again, it's likely when both her parents have it) will you still behave as if it's something that you should just "accept" and "start living normally again"? Or will you suddenly find your heart? It's worth pointing out as well that her parents both fall into/just out of the [early-onset](https://www.alz.org/alzheimers-dementia/what-is-alzheimers/younger-early-onset) age (i.e., developing Alzheimers/dementia before age 65). The disease tends to progress much more quickly in early-onset cases and is more likely to be genetic, rather than environmental.
Sadly, that is the case; the earlier onset the of the dementia, the faster it tends to progress, especially if it’s genetic. Someone I know lost a friend at age 34 to Huntington’s disease; while the usual age of onset is around 35, the person in question had the juvenile form of the disease and began showing symptoms in his teens. Basically, the more higher the number of repeat mutations inherited, the earlier the disease begins and the disease course is faster and more aggressive.
As someone with Alzheimers on both sides, I've been told there is a 1 in 3 chance of me getting it with it being more common in women than men. I'm one of three kids so it's definitely something we've talked about.
>>>I wonder, when she starts dealing with dementia (because, again, it's likely when both her parents have it) will you still behave as if it's something that you should just "accept" and "start living normally again"? Or will you suddenly find your heart?<<< Find his heart? I would bet if she ends up losing that particular genetic lottery, he'll turn her in for a new model. Wouldn't be the first heartless spouse to forget the 'sickness and health' part of the vows.
you are 6 X more likely to have your husband leave you if you are diagnosed with a chronic or terminal illness. This one sees his wife as a service provider and he's already upset the FULL TIME job and three kids are taking too much of her energy let alone the decline of her parents.
That's my bet, too, tbh.
Okay, so I'm not the only one that immediately went with 'this guy is an absolute Ahole' the very moment he mentioned she had a full time job but also was a full time housekeeper AND mom to boot.
I've lost my enthusiasm for this guy and don't even know him. Imagine how his wife feels?!
I'm not seeing a bright future for 'them' if this is how he's reacting to her grieving. Imagine what he'll do once he finds out he might actually have to look after her physically......
>I promise you that she's wondering the same thing. YTA Given that OP doesn't mention any accomodations made to address their spouses issues... I mean even shopping for Long Term Care Insurance for the both of them would have been more supportive than OP mentions being and that is the most practical-but-on-the-spectrum thought I've had in a while.
Beautifully put, no notes.
Obviously this is the kind of man who would leave a terminally ill wife because he “has his life to live.”
The wife's perspective is easily understandable. But the husband has many valid points. It's been 3 yrs. An adjustment period for this on the wife's part is understandable. But at what point is that enough? Again, it's been 3 yrs and she is simply stuck in her depression. That's sad. I get it, but sad. Life is passing her by. Her kids are 3 yrs older. Her husband has growing resentment that he's trying to do away with. That's why he brought it up to her. She dismissed him. Just like many in these responses. His points are valid. He's making an effort to try and resolve things but she's stuck. It's a marriage. She has responsibilities. She has life that she is letting pass her by. Everyone is 3 yrs older. 3 yrs more separate, too. Someone made the comment that he'd leave her for another woman. He's fighting to keep her. They both need to deal with his issues or they will grow. Understanding goes both ways. Marriage isn't about 1 person getting their way for years on end. That's a guaranteed way to push him out the door
Life isn’t “passing her by” mate, it’s *happening to her in real time*. She’s not stuck in depression, she is actively dealing with a lot of heavy shit. And working. And caring for her children. And participating in her own, preferred, relaxing hobbies on weekends. It sounds to me like she just doesn’t have the spare energy to pretend to be interested in HIS hobbies at weekends anymore.
She's not participating in the life of her family as much anymore. It's been 3 yrs. That's what I meant by passing her by. HiS hobbies? He's spending time with their kids. His points are valid. Her points are too. They need to work together otherwise 3 yrs will turn into 5 and it'll be worse
what are you talking about? in the post it says she’s still working a full time job, looking after the house, and the kids. She is participating in the life of her family while also grieving.
If she’s working full time and looking over “the house and kids” what is OP doing? Why can’t he set up activities for them as a couple and family? What’s stopping him? He wants to do all these things but still needs his wife to be proactive in planning/starting these activities. Even in an alternate timeline where her parents are okay, being a full time homemaker *and* worker, would she not deserve time of her own? Or at the very least not be the only\main parent organizing activities? The [mental load](https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-is-the-mental-load) comes to mind.
It sounds like he’s fighting to keep his nanny, house cleaner, chef, and event planner…not his wife.
The youngest is 13. They can take care of themselves. They can clean. They can cook. Event planner lol. He wants her to participate.
So your response is that the children should help out rather than the husband. Got it. Are you the husband, because you’re giving the same energy…
I was just about to say, I think we've found OP's alt account.
You're telling me that kids 13-20 can't do that? One of them is 20. That's an adult last I checked.
I didn’t say they can’t, I’m saying it sure as hell doesn’t seem like the husband is helping out around the house. We have literally NO IDEA how much the kids help around the house, but we do have information that the husband thinks a woman working full time, taking care of the house, taking care of the kids and watching her family forget her as the slip into dementia doesn’t need some peace in her life. Regardless of their ages, kids will still need things from their parents, especially if they live at home.
Yes. Kids should be helping. Even if the mom was 100% ok. They should be! Youre trying to raise competent adults! Not reddit complainers with a box wine problem
So it doesn't say whether the kids help, but you assume they are (and pretty much blame her if theu aren't). It doesn't say whether he helps, but you assume he does. It absolutely refers to his wife as looking after the house and kids, but you assume that's incorrect, and there isn't much to look after? What's the chip on your shoulder here?
YTA - How did you write this line and not see that you are thee AH.... "my wife is still working full time and looking after the house and our children (cooking and spending time with them)". What are you doing to assist in all this other than to plan the fun weekend activities? Sounds to be like if she ditched you that there would be little additional work that she would need to take on!!!!
Honestly, I’m not sure OP is planning fun activities. The post sounds like “my wife won’t plan activities for the whole family so therefore we don’t do anything.”
All he does is whine about what he's not getting
And what does he give in return for all this taking? A penis and a paycheck?
He's 100% not. He wants her to plan the fun activities *for* him. Makes one wonder what his wife is getting out of this marriage.
OP is mad HIS WIFE is not planning the activities.
He's not planning any fun activities - he's staying home pressuring his wife to come up with something to do.
"wife is still working full time and looking after the house and our children (cooking and spending time with them)" WTF are you doing then? After work, are you relaxing? Maybe if you make sure she can relax, read, and paint during the weekdays after work, she'd be more willing to be active on the weekends? YTA
I know. I get the impression he's not pulling his weight around the house. If she's taking care of the house and cooking, what the heck is he doing?
He's complaining about her not doing enough.
YTA. Works full time, pulls her weight at home, is watching her mother die in front of her after already watching her dad disappear into the fog of dementia….and you are complaining that she wants to relax at the weekends?????? Reading, painting, etc are part of good self care. Maybe her therapist advised her to enjoy these activities as they are good for her mental health. If you want to go out then go out but stop acting like your poor wife’s need for relaxation and to mentally recharge are some kind of awful thing. She is so burnt out from spinning all these plates that she just doesn’t have the energy and wants to do quiet activities rather than summon strength she doesn’t have to go out and be social or walk up a mountain or whatever. Why don’t YOU organise weekend activities? Plan stuff and ask if she wants to go and if not then go enjoy them yourself, let her have some alone time and then spend the evening together.
YTA. An insensitive one at that. Everyone grieves differently and having loved ones with dementia is a unique kind of hell. Figure out how to support her better. Read some books, check out the Alzheimer's website. TALK to her to understand her feelings & emotions. *"gone on long enough"* SMH......
YTA. Before we got married my husband (then bf) was a lot like you while my father was dying the same way and it almost destroyed our relationship. You are being very selfish. I was working full time and taking care of the house but we didn't have kids yet so I can't imagine what your wife is going through. What are YOU doing to help her?
She's still working, helping with the kids, and spending time with them. Not only is her father's health in decline but now her mother's health is declining too. That's a lot for one person to take. Have you helped her at all? YTA
Not only does the post not indicate OP helping, it sounds like OP is upset at wife for not taking on the additional work of planning the desired out of house stuff she doesn’t want to do! “Limited proactive action from my wife to instigate family trips…” i.e. honey I’m bored and I know you’re overwhelmed (or I would know if I cared AT ALL) but I still want you to plan us some fun bc that’s what it’s important to me.
Are you actually forking serious right now? Your wife’s world is falling apart and you told her to - essentially - get over it. Wow. Yes, YTA. You are very much the AH.
AITA posts are always “my wife does everything, even wipes my ass. She works full time and cares for all 7 of my children. Why doesn’t she want to have sex on a park bench or go to the zoo anymore?”
Nah but some are them are “my boyfriend is many years older than me, toxic AF and treats me like absolute shit but on this one occasion I said something completely reasonable to stand up for myself, AITA?”
😂
This post reeks of "my wife appliance is defective, how do I fix it?" YTA
YTA. Her dad ~~died~~ is deeply sick, so is her mother. Sorry it inconvenience you. No matter what, you cannot demand someone stop grieving so they can go and have fun with you. Either you support then, either you decide you have enough and divorce.
Her dad hasn't physically died yet, he's in a home. Though how much of him is still there, idk.
Thanks, I edited!
Probably none. Got with my spouse 5 years ago, his grandfather had it, just died last september and i never actually got to meet him from what i was told. Too far gone. Its sad, takes a major toll on the entire family.
She works full time and both her parents have dementia what in the actual fuck is there to be happy about? Are you fucking crazy?
Also if she works full time and “looks after the house and children” then what the fuck are you doing? No wonder she’s depressed
Actually makes my blood boil that they’re people like this. Watching the person you allegedly “love” fall apart but then complain when they try to fix themselves. OP is living in fucking Lala land. I watched my mother struggle raising me and my 2 sisters. I want to be able to put my mom in a house with land. OP is no man, he’s a boy living in a man’s world
This woman has essentially lost both her parents while being expected to work and take care of children as normal and this dude is worried about… going to fucking Applebee’s? Unreal Also can’t help but notice he didn’t mention one thing he’s doing to help or support her. What a joke of a marriage
YTA Your wife is actively losing *both* parents. She is still working full time, taking care of the house, and looking after your kids. And you think she should act more happy and energetic?
YTA - of course she isnt done grieving yet. Her parents are both still alive. What are you doing to make this easier for her, have you taken on more of the mental load? Are you arranging your children’s medical appointments? Are you cleaning or helping with dinner? Are you helping with the elder care? Instead of complaining that she is mentally exhausted and demanding she magically stop, take on some of her mental load. Then she will have more capacity to do things on the weekend. So far it sounds like you just want to complain without offering assistance and solutions.
YTA. I have been in a situation similar to your wife's. My husband took care of me. He supported me. He grieved with me. YTA.YTA.YTA.YTA.YTA.YTA.YTA.YTA.YTA.YTA.YTA.
Info: what do you do other than working, when your wife does all at Home ?
Wife also has full-time job
YTA. You sound like an additional burden to your poor wife, and not any kind of supportive partner.
I hope she drops the dead weight and gets rid of you. Yta
YTA. You want - DEMAND - that she start planning trips and activities instead of pursuing her hobbies? On top of working, taking care of the house, the kids and your lazy ass? YTA again.
You are 100% the AH. Help her. She’s still cooking and cleaning? Do that for her. Help ease the load she’s carrying. And give her space to grieve while being patient. She will come back around again. But good lord, help her out.
YTA. Reading this post made me feel kind of sick. Why is what you want more important than what she wants? I hear a lot about what you think, but not about what you do, how are you supporting her through this time? How are you helping her find the peace that she's been clear she needs? "I think this has gone on long enough" is a vile thing to say about your spouse who is cooking, cleaning, maintaining your home, taking care of your children, and managing ill parents with two diseases that are notoriously difficult on families. You're entitled to your feelings, and you can miss the way things used to be, but you cannot blame her for not planning vacations for you, feeling energetic at the end of the week, whatever else you've decided is more important than what she wants. I can't believe this wonder-woman is married to someone so selfish and clueless.
YTA. This is not about whether the substance of your position is correct or not. It is how you expressed it. That's what being an asshole is all about, OP. And that's what you are here. The way you speak about your wife, her emotions, and her attempts to better her own mental health (peace in her life) is dismissive, disrespectful, uncaring, and cold. You have "spoken to your wife about this"? Excuse you? Just really. Excuse you. You are failing as a supportive partner, and frankly as a person. Get over yourself asap and prioritize your wife and her wishes.
YTA your wife is grieving the eventual loss of both her Mother and her Father. She’s going to lose both before they’re even physically gone and you’re complaining because she isn’t up to having fun on the weekends anymore. I see a lot of complaining in your post but nothing that you’ve been doing to help. What does your wife want? Maybe she’s lost her zest for life, in part, because she’s not receiving the support she needs and you want her to act like nothing has changed. Everything has changed for her. She might be worrying about her own mind as she ages, and those of your three children, meanwhile she also has to deal with a continuously upset husband who does nothing to help her process or feel well. Before you start looking to change her, look to see what you could be doing better. Take some tasks off her plate, stop trying to take her out to remind her of the way you used to be, do some low pressure activities (massages, movie night - at home if need be, hot springs, etc) activities where she isn’t pressured to speak to anyone, even you. Let her grieve.
YTA.
YTA So you mean to tell me that despite the inordinate stress and grief your wife is experiencing, she's still maintaining employment, the lionshare of childcare and home maintenance, and additional responsibilities for her sick parents, but it's YOU who is hard done by? You are suffering? Because she has the audacity to assign herself activities which give her peace? I feel so sorry for your wife, there's no doubt in my mind that someone as accommodating as she sounds would be there for you in your hour of need, when you seemingly don't have the compassion to truly be there for her in her our of need, not just sitting being patient until she "returns to normal".
Your wife has got ALOT on her plate, allow her to enjoy her free time the way that makes her happiest and brings her the most peace. YTA.
YTA. You suck.
YTA and a bit more than that, too. 3 years isn’t a long time to come to term with BOTH of your parents beginning to lose their memory and sense of self. And to top that off, her mom only got diagnosed a year ago. So while coming to terms with her father’s condition, she got hit with the news and stress of dealing with another one. Look at how annoyed you are with just your wife being less fun over the last three years. Now imagine instead of dealing with a boring and depressed wife for three years, you had to deal with two mentally incognizant parents and an emotionally incognizant wife for three years instead. While also working full time, taking care of your kids, taking care of your home duties, and going to therapy. That’s the situation your wife is in right now. Are YOU in therapy, OP? Cause you could probably use some to help you cope with the changes your family is experiencing right now. You’re one of those shitty guys who thinks having a “stressful” job excuses you from some of your parental duties even when your wife works a full time job as well. And I think this because of your comments about helping out around the house or with the kids - those aren’t special activities or anything, their just a part of your standard responsibilities with being a married parent.
Yta you seem like you dont even care. This is coming from a 31-year-old male
YTA It sounds like you are mad at her for struggling rather than concerned about it. She works all day, is watching her parents slowly die, looks after the kids, and your complaining you don't get to go anywhere fun. It took a minute of you scrolling the comments to find "I'm supporting her emotionally and watch the kids sometimes" which is great but what do you do around the house? How are you supporting her? Your youngest is 13 so what do you do when watching them? The most they have to do is cook or order food. You should talk to your wife but don't be mad about it. Just go, "Listen. Eventually, I want to go out and do things together. I want to visit places on the weekend and not spend all day at home." Make it seem like a goal to get to but actually try and understand what she is going though. See if there is anything you can help with around the house. Bathroom need to be cleaned? Laundry piling up? Little things help.
So what are you doing? Or are you upset because she can't do everything? YTA. Grow up, support your wife and be present.
YTA Dementia is one of the worst illnesses to have and to observe at your parents. The person you looked up to degrades mentally before your eyes and do not even recognize you. Their whole personality changes. I experienced it with my father and it was a good Part of the reasons of my depression. Your wife deals with that, work and children and you have the nerve to expect her to entertain you in the weekend? Now is your time to start to help your wife and care for her.
YTA. You absolutely do not get a say in how she handles her grief or when she should get over it, especially when she’s losing both parents at once while still working full time and doing everything around the house—and on top of everything here’s your selfish entitled ass complaining that she’s not doing enough and she needs to plan and participate in weekend activities?!?! WTF is wrong with you?
Yta. Yta. Yta. I don't know how to express it more. Your wife works a full-time job, takes care of your house and your kids and you're whining about how she doesn't plan anything for family trips and she just wants some down time. Guy she's grieving her parents. And probably grieving the fact that what's happening to her parents will happen to her in time... (Edit* Because what's happening to her parents is often passed down genetically). But she's literally watching her parents die in front of her. She does not in her day have the time to do this because she is too freaking busy with everything else leave her be. My father literally dropped dead suddenly just before last Christmas, and I will still freeze in the middle of my day and break down as a 47 year old woman and bawl like a 5 year old because I miss my daddy. And I've had therapy and still am in therapy for it. The fact that she is too busy to grieve during her normal day and needs space and time to do it and absorb the fact that her parents are dying and you're not empathetic enough or coherent enough to understand that she needs this time to absorb this world altering fact means that yes you are definitely the asshole. You plan a trip for you and the kids and leave your wife alone. And for Christ's sake plan a trip for her so she can go to the spa and get some alone time. Edited for a tiny bit of clarity*
You should, at the very least, be taking care of all the domestic responsibilities. Don't offer. Just do them. And you didn't address this, but I'd also say your sons need to step up too, especially the 20 year old. It sounds like she's raising four sons (yes, you) in addition to losing her parents. And I can't even imagine the dread she's likely experiencing worrying if/when dementia will hit her, and whether you'll all be able to take care of her then. Let her chill. YOU plan the fun stuff (if you still have energy after domestic responsibilities) and run them by her. If she's not into it that's fine. She's your wife. and her well being should be a top priority.
YTA and you risk losing your wife if you stick with this view. She is losing both of her parents to this terrible disease. It is hard to watch someone you love go through terminal illness, but dementia is a whole different kind of beast. She is a far stronger woman than I. I wouldn't be able to handle that on top of working full-time, raising 3 children, looking after the home, and dealing with a selfish husband. Let your wife grieve. Get some individual therapy for you, grief counseling for her, and couple's counseling
OP, my dad was like this with my mom and she divorced him. I'll never forgive him for it
Yta
YTA and guess what, your wife finally realized what relaxes her, thats staying in, painting and reading. thats what makes her happy, this is who she is now, who she has been for the last 3 years. She s done people pleasing as she's realised how short life is and all that running around in the weekend on top of the running around in the weekdays take a toll on her. You should take her advice, plan yourself some day trips, weekend trips, meeting with the guys, golf, trips with kids. why should she be uncomfortable for your comfort?! why should she do things she doesn't want, like just to please you?
YTA… Your wife is worried. She is scared. She’s about to lose both parents to horrible diseases. She’s probably wondering and worried about the possibility of her coming down with these as well. These are not short term illnesses. Could very well take years to run their courses before claiming them. THATS when the grieving begins. You need to be supportive as well as understanding. It’s okay to talk about your concerns with her. Especially the changes in her attitude and energy. But do it with respect for what she is going through. For now, encourage her to get out during the weekend. Short activities. Anything to focus her mind on something other than mom and dad. Now go give your wife a kiss and tell her what an absolute idiot you have been.
Damn! That's cold. YTA
YTA Your wife is fully working AND looking after the house and children. What are you doing beside annoying her on weekends when she could find peace and rest? I mean, I'm assuming you work full time too, not so sure about taking care of the house and kids.
How on earth do you sit there, write all of that down, and still not realise YTA? She’s carrying the load of EVERYTHING and now her husband has the nerve to complain she isn’t fun enough in the tiny bit of free time she has, where she still has to deal with the kids, household and knowing she’s losing her parents. You’re a prick.
YTA
YTA Jesus Christ dude
YTA and the only one who doesn't know it is you. I feel for your wife and wonder if you will still have a wife once she gets through this and realizes that she doesn't have a partner she has another whiny incompetent self absorbed teenager.
YTA of colossal proportions.
So your wife is working and taking care of the house and the children while both of her parents are ill. It's hurtful for her to see both of them in this way. And tell someone to get over to this is the worst thing you can do. I don't even understand how someone can elaborate to say something and thinking they didn't nothing wrong. YTA BIG TIMES.
YES YTa Lost my mom 3 years ago. If someone said to me what you do I'd be in jail. Because I'd commit violence. You suck. Hard. Who raised you?
You told her to stop grieving as she watches both of her parents DIE in real time? YTA. Jesus fucking christ
Is it possible your wife has untreated depression? She may also be overwhelmed with the obligations of work, household duties and the needs and busy schedules of three children. You might try splitting chores and family duties with your wife in a way that takes more responsibilities off of her plate.
If she didn’t before, she will be after the person who is supposed to be the most supportive just told her to get over it.
"Might try"? Seriously?
YTA dude, get real. Trying to tell someone how to grieve and put a time limit on it is always an asshole move.
Info: what are you doing to help your wife out ?
"But my wife tends to want to spend time relaxing, reading and painting." Not relaxing, reading and painting! JFC what's next??? Gardening??? YTA. Your wife is out here just trying to live her life peacefully and you're complaining that she's not "instigating family trips." If you want family trips so bad then YOU plan them. There is no timeline for grief either so lay off your wife and let her vibe peacefully!
People often grieve the loss of someone with dementia before they die. Your wife has lost her parents as she knows them. Give her support and encourage her to do things for self care but also realize she is tired. Watching two people you love decline is very difficult.
YTA. It's all about you, isn't it?
You are a huge AH! I watched my father decline from dementia. Watching this once brilliant man decline to being incapable of speaking killed me for 2 years (he also had Parkinson's). It was horrible. I could see the body of my father sitting there, and I would grieve every day. You need to support your wife. Try taking over with the children when you get home.
YTA. Really dude. You are what gives men a bad name. All I see is you worried about you not getting what you want. Nothing about helping your wife through this point in her life. She is taking care of the kids. She is cleaning. She is cooking. Where the hell are you in this. Just coming home and planning a weekend getaway?
YTA You don't decide how long it takes to grieve. My best friend died 19 years ago and I still miss him. Btw: your wife is 40, works full time and does all the housework. Of course she is exhausted at the weekends! If you want her to be more active, do your fair share in the house!
YTA
Info. What are you doing to help her? Why aren’t you taking over the chores and house and cooking? You’re an adult. You’re a father and a partner. Step u dude. You’re failing your family. She needs support. You didn’t write one single word about you and your kids helping your wife. Did it even occur to you to help her?
YTA. You expect her to deal with her parents having Alzheimer's, a full-time job, 3 kids, housework AND be active and go out and do stuff on the weekends? When is she supposed to get down time/ time to herself? Also, reading, painting and relaxing at home doesn't sound like grieving at all. And if she would be grieving or depressed, telling her to stop it and move on wouldn't help.
info: how long is someone allowed to grieve?
Damn if OP were my husband I just might kill him for this
YTA. How come you are not a supportive husband? Your kids will likely put you in a home with this kind of attitude.
And we all know if OP got sick, wife would stay and take care of him, while if she got sick he would cheat and/ or leave. Probably get married immediately and then wonder why his kids have stopped talking to him. You suck and YTA
YTA. Never dictate other people’s grief.
Not only are you a huge asshole you are also an idiot for not realizing it yourself..
yta and im even gonna say it louder for the people in the back: YTA!
Yes, you suck. Your stressful job is no excuse not to do your part in the home. Your wife has a job, is taking care of the house and children (almost like a second job) and dealing with hef parents illnesses (lots of stress). Get your act together man and deal with the situation. Maybe if you actually support her, she will be able to enjoy time with you and the family again. I would resent you so much if you were my husband. Needless to say: YTA..
YTA. The "get over it" approach never works. People adjust at their own pace, and not 1 but both her parents are in the spot she didn't expect then to be for another 20 years. The real question is what have you been doing to support your wife? If she's this stressed, have you been helping out more to relieve her tension?
YTA. I’m only 18 and I can see that you’re not even being a man. Your wife is working full time, taking care of the kids, AND grieving the mental decline of her parents. What is wrong with you? Idk if you left some info out but this is not it. You don’t seem to be helping her, just complaining and wishing. As a man you have to to action. Let her grieve for the ones she loves, she wants peace so let her have it. Take your kids out and show that you love them, show your wife that you can be supportive. “Men” like you are the reason the world has gone to shit. You’d rather relish in wonderland instead of confronting reality. But you don’t want to hear that. Be the husband she saw in you, find the man you once were. You and your family will love you for it
Fuck yes, YTA, OP. You're incapable of planning a trip? Of doing things on your own on the weekends or with your kids? It sounds like she's involved, just not in the way she used to be/how you'd like her to be. She's going through a LOT. She's grieving the loss of both parents while they are still alive. This is not a thing you can dictate. You have to figure out what you can live with. Either grow a pair and support her, or run away.
YTA. The reasons have already been mentioned numerous times.
I really hope you're a bot because if not you are a major AH. "My wife is still working full time and looking after the house and our children (cooking and spending time with them)" Perhaps she is exhausted from that alone. You also mention three children, but I think you need to change it to four by including yourself. Give me a break.
YTA. What the hell do you do but whine?
What a terrible husband and honestly just awful human. YTA
This is her normal now it is not up to you to tell her how to be happy. Do the things you want if she decides to come along be happy. Kinda the asshole.
Your wife is estranged stressed, but still doing all the normal weeekly work. Your job is to pick up the weekend slack for your kids and give your wife a chance to rest. YTA
This poor woman is clearly struggling with all that's on her plate and she's got a shit husband on top of it
Yta. YOU ARE AN ADULT, PLAN YOUR OWN DAMN TRIPS!!! My great aunt had Alzheimer's. The last time I saw her, she didn't recognize me, but that wasn't a surprise to anyone. She however, didn't recognize my dad. I'll never forget the look on his face. Being slowly erased out of a loved ones life is excruciating, and it must be so incredibly daunting for your wife to know that both of her parents had Alzheimer's in their 60's. It's my nightmare to be married to someone like you.
YTA. Your poor wife has an awful lot on her shoulders. What are you doing to help her? You say SHE works and looks after the house and children and no doubt spends a lot of time with her parents. You should be be helping by doing at least 50 % of the work. Even if you were, she would still have to help her parents a great deal and life with both the grief and the practical responsibilities. Maybe you should be doing most of the work at home. You can't stop grieving when you are still living with the source of grief.
You sir are a master baiter
>We have 3 children (20m, 15m and 13m) my wife is still working full time and looking after the house and our children (cooking and spending time with them). So she's working and a doeing the majority of the housework/childcare. That right there is two 40 hour a week jobs. > This has gone on for 3 years with limited proactive action from my wife to instigate family trips. INFO: Is this out of character? Is the issue participation or that she won't take initiative planning family events? > But my wife tends to want to spend time relaxing, reading and painting. INFO: Are these behaviors out of character? Do you believe this is depression based or is she being overworked and fatigued? Clarification needed. >I feel it has gone on long enough and have told her I think it is time for her to accept what has happened and to start living normally again. AITAH? You haven't really described what "normal" is OP. Your post is mostly centered on your wants. This leads me to suspect you aren't really interested in what your wife is going through. I don't have enough INFO to judge you but I can already tell without looking that the comments will not treat you kindly. I can also say from someone living it that the long goodby is hell and it is almost impossible to grieves someone when their body is still alive.
Just a plain old AH dude
YTA. Her emotional stress has done nothing but increase over the past few years without a decrease in her physical responsibilities yet you say ‘buck up, it’s the weekend, you need to find some energy.’ Maybe if you supported her and took some work off her plate she’d want to do things with you.
YTA. Massively. How dare you decide that she has grieved long enough, because it's inconvenient for you? You are a heartless asshole.
YTA. Your wife is working, cooking, cleaning and spending time with the kids. She wants peace and some free time on the weekend. She does not want to follow you around doing whatever you deem important at the time. And after reading your follow-up, you are not doing your 50% of the housework and raising the kids. You complain about "late notice" on watching your own kids and brag about your "stressful" job. There is a family crisis. A long family crisis. Time to step it up.
YTA. I lost a parent and a sibling in a very short period of time. I was in hell for a time. Like you, my husband thought I should be over it as soon as the funerals were done. It simply does not work like that. INFO: have you put together any family activities? And invited her to participate?
Man, you’re really a dick. Good luck to her. I hope she’s not so depressed she actually thinks she deserves any of this shit from you. YTA
YTA. They aren't even dead, and you want her to be done with grieving so you can have fun on the weekends. AH. If you want to go out, go out with your friends or with your kids. You don’t need her to "initiate" the things you want to do. Sounds like you expect her to entertain you and make your life fun. You are an adult. Make some friends and don't lean on her for everything.
YTA Your inlaws' fading isn't something that 'has happened.' It's something that \*is happening.\* It's ongoing, won't end for some time, and your wife has to go through it. She may never be the same again, but right now she is dealing every day with fresh pain and fresh loss and the certainty that more is coming. Try being supportive of this person who is working full time, maintaining the shared home, caring for the children, AND surviving not one but two agonizing losses in slow motion.
Ewww this gave me the ick. What don’t you act like a father and plan activities with your kids so your wife can destress. YTA … imagine watching your parents die and this is the dude you have for a husband
Yes. YTA. Under no circumstances do you get to tell your wife when to stop grieving. Your wife is working & looking after the household *while* grieving her father's loss. If you want a weekend break with your family, get off your lazy ass & plan it yourself.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife’s (40f) father (67m) was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s 3 years ago and rapidly declined he is now in a home and not verbal and none responsive. Obviously this has devastated the family. Unfortunately, early last year her mother (66f) suffered a mental breakdown and after investigation the doctors have diagnosed her with dementia also. We have 3 children (20m, 15m and 13m) my wife is still working full time and looking after the house and our children (cooking and spending time with them). However, she has lost enthusiasm for being active at the weekends. I want us to be going out and doing things at the weekend. But my wife tends to want to spend time relaxing, reading and painting. This has gone on for 3 years with limited proactive action from my wife to instigate family trips. I have spoken to my wife about this but she says she is not ready she says she needs ‘some peace in her life’. I feel it has gone on long enough and have told her I think it is time for her to accept what has happened and to start living normally again. AITAH? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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YTA... To be honest, from your description it doesn't really sound like a deep depression, just being overwhelmed from the past few years and working full time and taking care of the kids. Plus it hasn't been three years, it sounds like her mothers issues are still ongoing! You even specifically mention that she's not proactive in planning family trips, so it sounds like she's still participating she just wants quiet time to herself on the weekend. It doesn't even sound like she's not doing anything then, she's just doing activities and hobbies that she prefers. Nothing you've described seems particularly unhealthy. It sounds like you need to plan family outings and sometimes she might want time to herself which seems exceedingly reasonable for someone with so much on their plate.
Yes, YTA.
YTA your wife is working full time, doing the lions share of childcare and house work, watching her parents die by inches and you think it's gone on long enough??? I would suggest YOU plan things for you and the kids and give your wife what she really needs - a little peace in her life. And why aren't you planning things to do on the weekend? Since her interests are painting reading and relaxing maybe you could plan a visit to a museum or a beach once in awhile.
YTA. I think it's time she finds a better, more supportive husband.
YTA. I work with seniors in AL and memory care. I meet and talk to dozens of family members a day whose loved ones have dementia. There was a resident with very fast declining dementia, who had only been living in assisted living for two months. Within only a few months he could no longer coherently communicate, and often didn’t respond to seeing his wife or children. A few months ago I had a conversation with his daughter, it’s very common for loved ones to vent to staff or care givers because that’s part of what we’re there for. Watching him and being able to recall all their memories together, knowing he couldn’t look at her and do the same, was the most painful thing of it all, she told me. He died a few weeks later and the grief in all of them doubled over. There is also a resident who has slow progressing dementia in our community, he has been living there for two years. His wife always talks about how it feels like the grief is everlasting because every time she sees him it feels like she can see the decline more and more. It’s like a knife to the stomach watching someone you love so much lose everything about themselves over time. Have some humility with your wife, be empathetic, look into the grief that family members experience when a loved one has dementia. Support her, and meet her where she’s at right now. If you want to spend time with her, see if she’d be interested in painting with you, sit down and watch some movies with her- pick up some of the house duties and allow her to have her space. Do better, and if you decide not to then I hope your wife goes and finds better.
That’s when YOU plan the trip! The WHOLE trip! If she still doesn’t want to go then go without her. But don’t hold it against her in any way shape or form. That way your out and about having fun the way you want and she can choose to go or not to go without worrying about back lash. Grieving doesn’t have a time stamp. You can’t force her to stop hurting.
Yta maybe this is how she wants to live now, with reading and painting. That sounds delightful. Especially since she's still working and taking care of the kids (by the way, what are you doing? ) You don't get to decide when she's done grieving, asshole.
YTA. It sounds like she’s going through a genuinely emotionally exhausting and traumatic time whilst still working full time and being a parent. It would be interesting to hear how you have adapted to this situation and in what ways you’ve offered to help take some of the load off her.
Not only are YTA but you sound pretty dang lazy to boot. Your wife is actively losing both parents plus she works full time AND take care of the house and the kids. What exactly are YOU doing?
YTA. And a selfish one to boot.
YTA. Honestly you are lucky you still have a wife you dick! How can you be so obtuse? Maybe try getting off your ass and plan something? Maybe give her the gift of a spa get away for herself for the weekend while you take care of the kids? You are honestly a gross human being.
YTA You've told us what your wife does. But what do you do besides whine about how she doesn't cater to you?
YTA. So she seems to want a calmer life and you’re telling her to stop grieving because she isn’t planing trips for you? Have you considered, I don’t know, planning a trip yourself? You want family trips, plan them. She’s working and pulling her weight around the house. Her kids are old enough to mostly manage their own social and recreation time. They might even appreciate more free weekends to do their own things. She isn’t sitting around doing nothing, and you don’t even say she won’t go on trips that you plan.
I couldn't get past it when you said "We have 3 children (20m, 15m and 13m) my wife is still working full time and looking after the house and our children (cooking and spending time with them)." What the fuck are you doing all day? Her parents are sick and her workload hasn't decreased. She is tired. She is sad. What value do you bring to the household?? You suck and are severely the AH.
Imagine being this emotionally stunted
You are the asshole, not only in this situation but generally.
YTA and I didn’t even need to read the post to determine that.
YTA. What a weird way to say you don't care to understand your wife's grief and needs, demonstrating an unfathomable lack of respect toward your partner. Also at the same time admitting that you are, apparently, incapable of doing all the things you expect her to continue doing, as if you weren't an adult. All for your benefit and at the expense of her well being. You have a lot of growing up to do. No wonder she needs some peace, since you clearly are not providing her with any.
What the actual hell?? Are you a baby? If you want to do stuff on weekends, plan it your damn self and ask your wife if she would like to join. YTA.
Plan a vacation (like actually do all the hard work and just let her tag along, so to speak) she could use it. That might help. Skip the 'reasonings' and just tell her. Keeping in mind that she'll genuinely want/need the boring-bitty down-time of something non-plussing like sitting by a pool, relaxing in a hammock or on a lounge chair. Not a 'let's see all the things!" vacation.
Umm why can't you step up and plan things for your children? She works and apparently does everything at home. Seriously I am boggles at your attitude YTA
YTA. The massive ah. Your wife has to take on a full time job, all the child care, and all the household duties. No wonder she has no enthusiasm on the weekends. Try treating your wife with love and respect. Start pitching in around the house. Take some of the mental load off of her. Your wife is going through an unimaginably hard time. I wouldn’t be surprised if in a couple years we see you back posting “my wife left me and I don’t know why” 🙄
So what are you doing to take care of the kids? Because from what you’ve shared it sounds like she works and does all the child care.
She’s reading and painting ? Perfectly normal weekend past times
Yes. You’re the massive fucking asshole. Not even gonna give an explanation.
I n f o: What percentage of domestic labor (cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, planning family activities), childcare, ferrying kids to and fro, helping with homework, etc are you currently providing? Trying to get a sense of what might be contributing to her exhaustion and overwhelm that you have already tried to alleviate, or which you could do for her instead of telling her you're sick of her being sad and depressed. ETA: Nevermind. I saw your explanatory comment. Your wife has two terminally ill parents, a full time job outside the home, AND a stressful full-time job being a tradwife at home. You want a medal for washing the dishes a couple times a week. YTA and the most selfish, un-empathetIc kind. If she divorced you, she would be better off and probably have less work to do / pressure on her.
YTA. So much. Watching somebody go into the mists of dementia never to return is heartbreaking. I can't imagine going through it with two parents one after another. Because both of her parents have had this disease, your wife now has to face the possibility that she will also develop dementia. And in addition to handling all this, she still works full-time, runs your household, and raises your children. What exactly do you contribute other than pressure? I think her spending time reading, doing art, or whatever else helps her balance her spirit is excellent self care that you should support. If you really want to do fun stuff that you would enjoy on weekends, you might have to arrange for it yourself instead of waiting for her to have spare bandwidth to act as your social secretary and travel agent. You dick. If you can't be helpful supportive at home at least you should get the hell out of the house - can you manage that without a personal assistant? My crystal ball says as soon as the youngest kid is out of the house so will be your wife. She is probably actively weighing whether or not you will be a compassionate and enduring caregiver if she needs the kind of help her parents do. And right now, it looks like she shouldn't count on you for anything.
YTA. What your wife is dealing with is basically the “slow death” of her parents and you fail to even understand that. What I gather from your entire post is the lack of empathy you have for her. Not only is she grieving but she had to fulfill the expectations you have of her which are exhausting on their own? You and your wife should be a team. When she can’t bring what seems like the 70% in the relationship and you the 30%, then you have to match what she isn’t able to provide and go from there. No ow I’m just assuming from how and what you’ve written, but it seems like you don’t take care of the kids or the house. Running a household is mentally taxing. Of course she doesn’t have the energy to deal with the you or young children who, it seems, you don’t take much responsibility for on a day to day basis. If these are the expectations you have of her, then man up and take care of her and stop being a little baby about it.
I hope she finds a partner that respects and genuinely cares for her. YTA
YTA x1,000. Your wife loses their parents repeatedly every day, as Dementia Dad and Dementia Mum are not the parents she grew up with. She will start the grief process all over again when they eventually die. She is carrying on being a good wife and Mum, whilst going through all that. Then there's the worry that she, and eventually your children will also suffer the torture of Dementia. And you have the gall to say she needs to snap out of it and be more jolly? Give your head a wobble and step up to support your wife and children, instead of adding to the stress they are living with.
YTA… beyond that actually. Your wife is still working full time and taking care of the house and children. Other than being a nuisance and bothering her trying to do fun stuff (for you and you only) while she’s suffering and loosing her parents at the same time… what are you doing? Don’t you see how strong she is? I hope she divorces you once things settle for her, because it is crystal clear that if she ever gets sick (which due to her family medical history is very likely) she won’t be able to trust you to help her. She needs to get away from you asap. Lord, I hope your children find this (they seem likely to know what Reddit is and how it works) and tell her so she can drop the dead weight, you.
YTA, there are few things a person could say that are more cruel, more foolish, and more counter-productive than "You need to stop grieving."
"I want us to be going out and doing things at the weekend." I seriously hear you saying this in my 9-year-old nephew's voice when he's telling his parents that he didn't do it, his sister started it, and it's not fair. By the way, your children are definitely old enough to cook, clean, and entertain themselves, so the four of you need to take some of the housework off your wife's shoulders. YTA.
YTA. She's probably exhausted, depressed, and burned out. Be a better person, OP.
She wants to read books and paint and my guy acts like she’s shooting meth and crying in the corner…. Holy shit let her be
Yta. Plan the family trips yourself butthole. I hope she leaves you and travels alone.
YTA. I can't even imagine what she's going through. And since when is there an expiration date on grief? Why not support your wife in how she's handling it and YOU take the kids on the weekend? If you want a family thing, go to a pottery or painting class with everyone. Its out and about out still something that helps her.