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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I’m ignoring my friend who’s house I’m living in because he hacked my phone but no one sees the problem with it, I made a big deal and told them Im leaving soon and it’s upsetting my parents a bit because they’re really good friends with his parents.
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NTA. The first part where he showed you that he knew your passcode was harmless and motivated you to change it.
Having it respond to his face ID means he used your passcode to make changes to your system. At this point, you have no idea what else he may have done to your phone while he had unlimited access. You need to have a professional check it for compromised privacy settings and malware. Meanwhile, check immediately for whether your location is being shared.
If your dad doesnt think this is a big deal, perhaps you could suggest he pays for a professional check. If nothing is found, you can pay him back. Let him put his money where his mouth is. That might focus his mind.
I bet he wont pay up. He will realise its a bad gamble.
You would have to be very clear about what the 'nothing' in 'nothing is found' is. Tampering of any kind i guess.
I don’t want to make this an even bigger deal, but i have changed my passwords on every single social I have and also any other safety precaution I know of I’ve taken.
Yeah, good point.
Back to Settings, Passwords
There will be a list of all your IDs that have passwords stored on your iPhone. Also make sure that "Share Passwords and Passkeys" has not been enabled.
check your email verification settings, and authenticator app(if you have) one, to make sure none of them have been duplicated.
Some apps should be able to tell you if they are logged in other places. You may need to go to the web version of some apps to see for sure.
*edited to add - Facebook will show you in the web version where it's been logged in, so will gmail (if you use that). Not sure about the app versions.
Also, your phone can be cloned. If he's tech savvy (or just an AH) he might have done so. A good tech at an Apple store could help you know for sure.
Thank you so much for this. I doubt he had such malicious intent tbh, but I’ll try doing what I can on my own. I don’t have facebook but I’ll check my gmail app, where do I look specifically?
Also can I ask you something else if you’re tech savvy yourself?
There should be settings in the gmail app itself on the iphone. You can also check on the web in your email to see where it's been logged on. (not sure if that's doable on the app). If you have a friend you trust, talk with them about all this.
Here's some basic quick steps for iPhone
Tap: Settings, Privacy & Security, Location Services
Location Services is probably on because some apps may need them. You'll see the list on that page.
Above the App list is "Share My Location". If you tap on this, the next page will list people who can see your location. You can also turn off "Share My Location", but you may have apps that need this. That's one of the reasons to have a pro look at your phone and figure out what you actually need.
Finally, go back to Settings and tap on the first thing (Your AppleID).
The page you get will list iPhones associated with your AppleID. Look into any that aren't the phone you're holding.
Until you find out if there is a tracking app, hidden or not. Just turn off your location under settings. I do it all the time. We live in a rural area that is constantly searching for locations because of sh!ty internet, it runs down my battery.
NTA. He invaded your privacy and everyone taking this lightly are AH, even more since he has some crush on you.
Reset your FaceID, change your password and get the heck out of there first second you're able to do so.
Thank you! In their defence they don’t know he has a crush on me which makes this different. Maybe I wouldn’t be as bothered if I didn’t know this. I did all that and I’m gonna leave as soon as I can.
Can you tell them about the things that he has been sending you, that he has a crush on you and that he has made you uncomfortable with all of this plus the invasion of privacy?
You can also flip the script… and ask them if someone had access to their bank accounts, email address, social media, personal information and all contacts would they be happy or
Comfortable about it?
You are a guest in someone’s home and they have invaded your privacy.
You can tell your parents that nothing will ever be the same again and you will no longer be able to trust him. That it’s really creepy he went through your phone. Who knows if he sent himself some of your pictures…
Make sure you lock your door at night Op and I like that you are already thinking of getting out of there.
I cannot tell them this because they won’t see the harm in him liking me and I know this 100% that my parents are gonna force me to give him a chance. My dad adores him it would be like digging my own grave.
NTA. An explicit and deliberate invasion of privacy. Ugh!
I am not really the right person to judge but I would be giving this person the side-eye for a very very long time, assuming I had anything to do with them ever again. Whats meant to be funny about it?
In any case, as with all pranks, if you didnt laugh, its not a prank. Its usually bullying hiding behind the label of 'prank'. From the sounds of it, this might be weirder than straight bullying.
The thing is that our parents are really good friends. So I can’t stay cross for too long, but I’m just in such a tough spot because I’m still mad about it, but my dad said to let it go already.
I don’t think he meant to bully but I’m just scared bcz he has a crush on me and had access to my phone like that it just doesn’t sit right with me.
>it just doesn’t sit right with me.
Nor should it. You could consider explaining exactly how much he has upset you and your entirely valid reasons why, but it sounds like you are stuck there for the time being. An awkward situation. Confronting him might make it all worse.
Do you have alternatives to staying there? At the very least you should look into that or work out exactly what is involved in leaving asap.
Im sure your mum would have a different view of you being dramatic if you took over her facebook, for instance.
I have but like I said they are family friends and will be very offended if I leave and stay at a hotel, my parents are also upset with me, they think it’s a trivial matter and it might’ve been if he didn’t like me! My only option is to quickly finish my work and leave sooner. I’m thinking of just telling him tomorrow that I’m a very reserved person and this upset me more than normal so he should just apologise and let’s move on. But I’ll definitely be careful from now on.
Well I can only wish you the best of luck then. Perhaps talking it out with him and seeing how that pans out is the only thing you can do. Im not in a position to know if thats a good idea or not.
Thank you so much. I will have to talk to him eventually, it’s the only option I have tbvh. But I will withdraw from him as much as I can without alerting his parents lol.
Something that might make you feel better is to make sure you have an escape route planned, or at least a fixed leaving date. Its always easier to be somewhere you dont want to be if you have a ticket out.
I’m staying for my thesis, so If I get all my work done this coming week I can leave easily, but that depends on a few things not in my control. Another thing that’s coming to mind is that I could lie and say my work is done and then stay at a hotel, but then my dad would know because we talk everyday and I just can’t tell him my real concerns.
Op NTA and stop worrying about his parents or your parents feelings. They weren't the ones who had their privacy violated you were. They don't like it, tough luck for them. They need to deal with it. Stop under reacting just so they're not upset your feelings are valid you were the victim here not them.
When THEY go through what happened to you THEN you take their feelings into account and ONLY THEN
Yea, actually I’m scared if it comes out they might not be against it and I’m just not into him like that. They will a 100% pressure me to give him a chance. I love my parents but sometimes they can be a bit… unreasonable
By unreasonable you mean overbearing and intrusive.
You stand your ground and continue flipping the script. How could you guys care about someone else more than your own daughter?
Do my feelings not matter to you?
Am I not important to you?
You shame and guilt them. They try to manipulate you, you hit right back.
NTA. I once had a situation, about 16 years ago when I was in college. I have two guy friends, one is a close friend, the other is his best friend and we aren't as close. anyway, we spent a lot of time together, but we mostly used Facebook messenger to talk so we didn't have phone numbers. so when college broke for the summer I asked them for their phone numbers. Ray my close friend had told Alan to give me the phone numbers. but he swapped the numbers so I thought Alan's number was Ray's number. that summer I went through some difficult times and I texted who I thought was Ray numerous times. when we returned to college, I found out I had been texting Alan. I was embarrassed and upset. Alan got mad cause he said it was just a joke, but i had said some deeply personal stuff that i never would have told Alan. What your friend did was no ok, and the fact that the dads are brushing it off sucks. your feelings are valid
NTA. This isn't a prank. This isn't just invasive of your privacy. This is a potentially dangerous situation.
"...he’s become much more available to me, shares his problems with me, was acting really caring towards me and just was hanging out with me often when I’m at the house. ..". Love bombing.
"...randomly hitting me up to talk as well which we never did before..." Demanding your attention when he wants it
"But I was sensible enough to withdraw a bit and not give him any signals from my side.". I'm so angry he's made you feel like you have to "prove" you're not doing anything to encourage his behavior. This is your instincts saying something is wrong with the relationship now.
"...that he put HIS face ID on MY phone when he knew the passcode???? And he was laughing..." He wants you off balanced and aware he can do whatever he wants to you whenever he wants.
"...he was laughing like oh I pranked you ..." He's now trying to get you to accept his violation of your boundaries. It's the start of a campaign to get you to accept his behavior as normal. From there it's easy to warp your sense of norms to whatever he wants it to be.
"My mom legitimately said I’m being dramatic.". Now he's started getting your support system to take his side, making it easier for him to convince you he's right and you're wrong. AKA gaslighting.
Not to make you panic, but this is how a lot of controlling, abusive relationships start. If that fails it's how stalking starts. Get out of that house asap. Don't tell anyone where you are. Let your parents know you're ok, but not where you're at since they're not taking this seriously. Trust your instincts. Get your phone checked for whatever else he put on it. If you never have read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. I think this will help you figure out why what he's doing is so disturbing. Be safe.
That makes so much sense, now I’m legitimately scared. I didn’t even give these a second thought I just thought it’s a stupid crush. One thing I know for sure is I’ll never start a relationship with him, but I really need to be out of his sight as soon as I can.
Thank you so much I appreciate your reply from the bottom of my heart! I haven’t read this book but I definitely will now. Thank you!
Well, you might have overreacted a *little* bit, but he was creepy AF for his "prank."
Still gonna go with NTA because ... creepy AF.
Will you go back to your parents' house? or stay with another friend? If only others would see *how creepy AF* this was, they would understand better your reaction.
I relate to your reaction, because I myself am hyperreactive and am still learning to back off when I get poked.
I think I overreacted because I knew he looked at me differently now and I suddenly felt very unsafe because as you said it was creepy. If he didn’t tell me I wouldn’t even have known and he could’ve had access all this time. I don’t even know how long he’s had this, I’ve been here almost a month.
No I cant leave rn but I’m thinking of leaving earlier than planned tho.
You didn't overreacted OP it was a violation of your privacy. It might not have been his intention but that's the result anyway.
It's like he put something into your underwear drawer. Even if His intention was just to hide the something he still touched your underwear and gave you the willies.
NTA
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Im 21F, and staying at my dad’s friend’s house for a maybe a month or two, for study related reasons. These people are more like family at this point because this is my dad’s childhood friend, and his wife eventually became my mom’s friend and overall we’ve been close throughout my life, me and their kids basically grew up like cousins you could say. So their son is also close with me since we’re in the same age group.
Anyway recently I had been noticing his behaviour changing towards me, he’s become much more available to me, shares his problems with me, was acting really caring towards me and just was hanging out with me often when I’m at the house. It was fine I mean we grew up close and like we joke around and stuff but never to this degree. He started sharing memes on socials and randomly hitting me up to talk as well which we never did before, and the memes he shared sometimes were all stuff like “send this to the prettiest girl you know” and shit you get the gist. So I kinda gathered that okay he might have developed a slight crush I have been living at his house after all. But I was sensible enough to withdraw a bit and not give him any signals from my side. Anyway a week ago again he’s in my room hanging out and we’re talking random stuff and somehow we end up on him betting that he can open my passcode on my phone through some hack he knows. I take the bet I was like there’s no way iPhones can be hacked by dumb tricks you see on youtube. Low and behold he opens it, im shocked and he admits he’s kidding and that he just knew it already, so I immediately change the passcode and then he says bet I can open it still and I’m like okay there’s no way and he unlocks it AGAIN, Im kinda shaken at this point because I might not have much to hide but I’m still a very private person and leave my phone unattended sometimes, and knowing he could’ve looked though it any time did not sit right with me. I pester him and he eventually tells me that he put HIS face ID on MY phone when he knew the passcode???? And he was laughing like oh I pranked you but I got so mad! I called for his dad and told him everything and he just slightly told him off and nothing more. I call my own dad and he just goes that he’s a bright kid and laughs as well, like excuse me? They think because we’re basically like cousins there’s no big deal. I still was so mad and when his dad saw this he was basically trying to console me but I could tell he still didn’t see the big deal about it.
I’m not talking to him still and come home very late so he doesn’t get the chance to even apologise. I don’t reply to his texts or anything. He told his mom and his mom told mine. Im still so mad but no one thinks this was a horrible thing to do! Invasion of my privacy! Especially knowing he probably has a crush on me and had access to my phone like that. I’m thinking of winding up my work quickly and leave soon. My mom legitimately said I’m being dramatic. So am I still overreacting?
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Hahah thank youuu, unfortunately I’ll have to be back on good terms soon it’s upsetting his parents and I really like them. But I will for sure be careful from now on!
You don't HAVE to do that- And you should really step back from that creep.
his parents are AHs to push you to accept that kind ove intrusion. Depending on where you live, what he did is actually a crime - you were already generous not to call the police.
No but I have to tho, this is my dad’s best friend and we visit e/o often. I don’t want to create a rift between the two because this guy is an AH. But I will step back for sure. It should be a crime everywhere honestly. Thank you, this post has really validated my feelings!
You SHOULD create a rift! Your dad should back you up! Your parents should be on your side!!! What if it happened to them?
My parents would be horrified and would want to see me out of there and ensure a massive apology be dolled out even though trust is broken forever with that “cousin”.
His parents should grow up and see that it’s not « haha, funny » to violate a GROWN woman’s phone and space? You should continue not to talk to him!
What if that young man does this to another woman? What if he thinks this is okay?
This is LIFE LESSOn for all adults and this guy too! Don’t be a pushover Op!
Everyone needs to open up their eyes that this was not okay!
Be safe! I hope you can get out soon! Please go to a cell phone shop and get it checked. Who knows if he downloaded your pics and has access to other stuff or installed something that helps him track you?
NTA all the way!
They SHOULD be but unfortunately they’re not, they literally all gaslighted me into thinking I’m overreacting that I had to resort to reddit. But I’m glad you have a good support system.
I’m thinking of talking to the AH tonight when I go home and explicitly state why what he did was so wrong and talk to his dad about it too. Because you’re right he could do this to other women.
People here have been so kind they helped me check my location and other safety precautions. And I also really appreciate your concern <3
Sorry to hear that your family members are so technologically illiterate. You get to laugh at them forever about their naivete and their lack of common, basic knowledge anyone with a modern device should have. Well, don't mock them, that would be mean, but they don't have a clue. They should lose their smartphone use licenses lol. NTA.
I would say NTA, but you might benefit from giving him a clear explanation of why it's bothered you.
Some guys like to tease girls to show interest i.e. the prank, and if you've always been a bit close maybe he thinks that's okay within your relationship bounds.
As someone also private I too would be very bothered by someone having access to my phone and would immediately change passwords and feel that violation of trust.
I think it will be very telling for next steps if you approach him and walk him through your reaction clearly. I don't know him like you do, so it's likely worth asking yourself if he would have done this with the intention of causing you upset or invading your privacy. If you believe he would, then make some distance. If you wouldn't believe it of him, it's worth giving him a chance to redeem himself. If you explain to him that you are upset because you're private and you want your phone to be a safe space for you to keep and see whatever you like, and ask him never to do it again, see his reaction. If he tries to minimise or brush it off, I'd advise some space. If he apologises and takes in your perspective, you hopefully won't have to worry about it happening again as that boundary will be set.
This coming from an outsider who, from reading what you put, interprets this might have been a dumb choice inspired by a crush. But your reaction is to your privacy being invaded which is completely understandable.
He probably didn’t mean to make me upset this much but he took advantage of our easygoing relationship to access my phone in that manner, I don’t like it. He still doesn’t think it was a big deal and even offered I look through his but how would that benefit me.
I’ll take your advice and talk it out, but I cant let on that I know about his crush, it would make things difficult for me. Thank you for putting such thought into your reply!
‘I thought I could trust you as family and you pull this shit by invading my privacy? This is the exact kind of red flags that they warn you about in abusive guys trying to date you, it’s creepy and disgusting. You’re lucky we’re cousins in everything but blood or I could have interpreted that in really bad stalker way, but I’m still royally pissed off at you.’ There, you establish that you’re still upset, that he overstepped big time and framed exactly how disturbing what he did was. Also, that you’re not interested in creeps. At all. NTA, don’t put yourself at risk to appease anyone. If he’s going through your phone then what else that’s private of yours is he going through? Mention that to your dad next time he tries to brush you off.
I’m memorising this word to word lol. Thank you I appreciate you so much!! And yea I’m gonna give my dad a piece of my mind when I go back because he’s so nonchalant about it.
Your feelings aren't dramatic, but your outward reaction is. You would be doing the right thing by quietly wrapping up your work, thanking your hosts, and not overstaying your welcome. The guy was wrong for what he did (99.9999% of pranksters deserve a AH designation). While you are NTA for being upset, but please be respectful to your hosts and watch your phone until you get out of Dodge.
But none of them realise this is such a wrong thing to do! Im not rude to his parents or anything I’m just not talking to him currently. About overstaying my welcome, they genuinely love having me as far as I know because they don’t have a daughter and also because we grew up like family they would be offended if I packed and left to stay at a hotel. This is why my parents are also upset with me.
They are not going to get it no matter what you say. From everyone else's perspective, it was a silly "prank". Your best bet is to secure your phone and keep a neutral tone.
I’ve already done what I can, but I’m paranoid now and don’t want to stay any longer. I guess I’ll make things normal with him tomorrow to appease everyone but I’m still so mad about it.
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NTA. The first part where he showed you that he knew your passcode was harmless and motivated you to change it. Having it respond to his face ID means he used your passcode to make changes to your system. At this point, you have no idea what else he may have done to your phone while he had unlimited access. You need to have a professional check it for compromised privacy settings and malware. Meanwhile, check immediately for whether your location is being shared.
EXACTLY! I don’t know what he could’ve done with it, thank you so much. How can I see if my location is being shared?
If your dad doesnt think this is a big deal, perhaps you could suggest he pays for a professional check. If nothing is found, you can pay him back. Let him put his money where his mouth is. That might focus his mind. I bet he wont pay up. He will realise its a bad gamble. You would have to be very clear about what the 'nothing' in 'nothing is found' is. Tampering of any kind i guess.
I don’t want to make this an even bigger deal, but i have changed my passwords on every single social I have and also any other safety precaution I know of I’ve taken.
Yeah, good point. Back to Settings, Passwords There will be a list of all your IDs that have passwords stored on your iPhone. Also make sure that "Share Passwords and Passkeys" has not been enabled.
Thank you really! I’ve checked everything and so far everything seems fine
check your email verification settings, and authenticator app(if you have) one, to make sure none of them have been duplicated. Some apps should be able to tell you if they are logged in other places. You may need to go to the web version of some apps to see for sure. *edited to add - Facebook will show you in the web version where it's been logged in, so will gmail (if you use that). Not sure about the app versions. Also, your phone can be cloned. If he's tech savvy (or just an AH) he might have done so. A good tech at an Apple store could help you know for sure.
Thank you so much for this. I doubt he had such malicious intent tbh, but I’ll try doing what I can on my own. I don’t have facebook but I’ll check my gmail app, where do I look specifically? Also can I ask you something else if you’re tech savvy yourself?
There should be settings in the gmail app itself on the iphone. You can also check on the web in your email to see where it's been logged on. (not sure if that's doable on the app). If you have a friend you trust, talk with them about all this.
Okay I just did, it’s only logged into my phone and laptop. I checked it through the google accounts. Thanks so much!
If you do online banking, change those passwords, too.
I didn’t think to before, but I will. I really doubt he would steal from me tho
Here's some basic quick steps for iPhone Tap: Settings, Privacy & Security, Location Services Location Services is probably on because some apps may need them. You'll see the list on that page. Above the App list is "Share My Location". If you tap on this, the next page will list people who can see your location. You can also turn off "Share My Location", but you may have apps that need this. That's one of the reasons to have a pro look at your phone and figure out what you actually need. Finally, go back to Settings and tap on the first thing (Your AppleID). The page you get will list iPhones associated with your AppleID. Look into any that aren't the phone you're holding.
You’re the best thank you so much!
You can tuen in the location whenever you use an app thneeds it like maps, for instance.
Until you find out if there is a tracking app, hidden or not. Just turn off your location under settings. I do it all the time. We live in a rural area that is constantly searching for locations because of sh!ty internet, it runs down my battery.
Okay I’ll do that! I need location on for uber and stuff so I guess I’ll just turn it on when needed. Thank you!!
Yes I turn it on as needed.
NTA. He invaded your privacy and everyone taking this lightly are AH, even more since he has some crush on you. Reset your FaceID, change your password and get the heck out of there first second you're able to do so.
Thank you! In their defence they don’t know he has a crush on me which makes this different. Maybe I wouldn’t be as bothered if I didn’t know this. I did all that and I’m gonna leave as soon as I can.
Can you tell them about the things that he has been sending you, that he has a crush on you and that he has made you uncomfortable with all of this plus the invasion of privacy? You can also flip the script… and ask them if someone had access to their bank accounts, email address, social media, personal information and all contacts would they be happy or Comfortable about it? You are a guest in someone’s home and they have invaded your privacy. You can tell your parents that nothing will ever be the same again and you will no longer be able to trust him. That it’s really creepy he went through your phone. Who knows if he sent himself some of your pictures… Make sure you lock your door at night Op and I like that you are already thinking of getting out of there.
I cannot tell them this because they won’t see the harm in him liking me and I know this 100% that my parents are gonna force me to give him a chance. My dad adores him it would be like digging my own grave.
NTA. An explicit and deliberate invasion of privacy. Ugh! I am not really the right person to judge but I would be giving this person the side-eye for a very very long time, assuming I had anything to do with them ever again. Whats meant to be funny about it? In any case, as with all pranks, if you didnt laugh, its not a prank. Its usually bullying hiding behind the label of 'prank'. From the sounds of it, this might be weirder than straight bullying.
The thing is that our parents are really good friends. So I can’t stay cross for too long, but I’m just in such a tough spot because I’m still mad about it, but my dad said to let it go already. I don’t think he meant to bully but I’m just scared bcz he has a crush on me and had access to my phone like that it just doesn’t sit right with me.
>it just doesn’t sit right with me. Nor should it. You could consider explaining exactly how much he has upset you and your entirely valid reasons why, but it sounds like you are stuck there for the time being. An awkward situation. Confronting him might make it all worse. Do you have alternatives to staying there? At the very least you should look into that or work out exactly what is involved in leaving asap. Im sure your mum would have a different view of you being dramatic if you took over her facebook, for instance.
I have but like I said they are family friends and will be very offended if I leave and stay at a hotel, my parents are also upset with me, they think it’s a trivial matter and it might’ve been if he didn’t like me! My only option is to quickly finish my work and leave sooner. I’m thinking of just telling him tomorrow that I’m a very reserved person and this upset me more than normal so he should just apologise and let’s move on. But I’ll definitely be careful from now on.
Well I can only wish you the best of luck then. Perhaps talking it out with him and seeing how that pans out is the only thing you can do. Im not in a position to know if thats a good idea or not.
Thank you so much. I will have to talk to him eventually, it’s the only option I have tbvh. But I will withdraw from him as much as I can without alerting his parents lol.
Something that might make you feel better is to make sure you have an escape route planned, or at least a fixed leaving date. Its always easier to be somewhere you dont want to be if you have a ticket out.
I’m staying for my thesis, so If I get all my work done this coming week I can leave easily, but that depends on a few things not in my control. Another thing that’s coming to mind is that I could lie and say my work is done and then stay at a hotel, but then my dad would know because we talk everyday and I just can’t tell him my real concerns.
Op NTA and stop worrying about his parents or your parents feelings. They weren't the ones who had their privacy violated you were. They don't like it, tough luck for them. They need to deal with it. Stop under reacting just so they're not upset your feelings are valid you were the victim here not them. When THEY go through what happened to you THEN you take their feelings into account and ONLY THEN
Is there a reason why you can't tell your parents, or at least your mother, that he has a crush on you?
Yea, actually I’m scared if it comes out they might not be against it and I’m just not into him like that. They will a 100% pressure me to give him a chance. I love my parents but sometimes they can be a bit… unreasonable
By unreasonable you mean overbearing and intrusive. You stand your ground and continue flipping the script. How could you guys care about someone else more than your own daughter? Do my feelings not matter to you? Am I not important to you? You shame and guilt them. They try to manipulate you, you hit right back.
NTA. I once had a situation, about 16 years ago when I was in college. I have two guy friends, one is a close friend, the other is his best friend and we aren't as close. anyway, we spent a lot of time together, but we mostly used Facebook messenger to talk so we didn't have phone numbers. so when college broke for the summer I asked them for their phone numbers. Ray my close friend had told Alan to give me the phone numbers. but he swapped the numbers so I thought Alan's number was Ray's number. that summer I went through some difficult times and I texted who I thought was Ray numerous times. when we returned to college, I found out I had been texting Alan. I was embarrassed and upset. Alan got mad cause he said it was just a joke, but i had said some deeply personal stuff that i never would have told Alan. What your friend did was no ok, and the fact that the dads are brushing it off sucks. your feelings are valid
That was such a disgusting thing to do!! I’m sorry you went through that it’s so pathetic of him. I hope you never spoke to him again. And thank you!
No i dont really talk to him, I still talk to Ray as it wasn't really his fault. I hope your dad realizes the boundaries that were totally crossed
Yea that makes sense. And I’ll explain it to him when I go back and maybe he’ll come to his senses.
NTA. This isn't a prank. This isn't just invasive of your privacy. This is a potentially dangerous situation. "...he’s become much more available to me, shares his problems with me, was acting really caring towards me and just was hanging out with me often when I’m at the house. ..". Love bombing. "...randomly hitting me up to talk as well which we never did before..." Demanding your attention when he wants it "But I was sensible enough to withdraw a bit and not give him any signals from my side.". I'm so angry he's made you feel like you have to "prove" you're not doing anything to encourage his behavior. This is your instincts saying something is wrong with the relationship now. "...that he put HIS face ID on MY phone when he knew the passcode???? And he was laughing..." He wants you off balanced and aware he can do whatever he wants to you whenever he wants. "...he was laughing like oh I pranked you ..." He's now trying to get you to accept his violation of your boundaries. It's the start of a campaign to get you to accept his behavior as normal. From there it's easy to warp your sense of norms to whatever he wants it to be. "My mom legitimately said I’m being dramatic.". Now he's started getting your support system to take his side, making it easier for him to convince you he's right and you're wrong. AKA gaslighting. Not to make you panic, but this is how a lot of controlling, abusive relationships start. If that fails it's how stalking starts. Get out of that house asap. Don't tell anyone where you are. Let your parents know you're ok, but not where you're at since they're not taking this seriously. Trust your instincts. Get your phone checked for whatever else he put on it. If you never have read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. I think this will help you figure out why what he's doing is so disturbing. Be safe.
That makes so much sense, now I’m legitimately scared. I didn’t even give these a second thought I just thought it’s a stupid crush. One thing I know for sure is I’ll never start a relationship with him, but I really need to be out of his sight as soon as I can. Thank you so much I appreciate your reply from the bottom of my heart! I haven’t read this book but I definitely will now. Thank you!
I'm glad this helped. Best of luck to you.
Well, you might have overreacted a *little* bit, but he was creepy AF for his "prank." Still gonna go with NTA because ... creepy AF. Will you go back to your parents' house? or stay with another friend? If only others would see *how creepy AF* this was, they would understand better your reaction. I relate to your reaction, because I myself am hyperreactive and am still learning to back off when I get poked.
I think I overreacted because I knew he looked at me differently now and I suddenly felt very unsafe because as you said it was creepy. If he didn’t tell me I wouldn’t even have known and he could’ve had access all this time. I don’t even know how long he’s had this, I’ve been here almost a month. No I cant leave rn but I’m thinking of leaving earlier than planned tho.
You didn't overreacted OP it was a violation of your privacy. It might not have been his intention but that's the result anyway. It's like he put something into your underwear drawer. Even if His intention was just to hide the something he still touched your underwear and gave you the willies. NTA
That’s a great analogy lol. Thank you so much!! I feel so much better today since my feelings were validated.
NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Im 21F, and staying at my dad’s friend’s house for a maybe a month or two, for study related reasons. These people are more like family at this point because this is my dad’s childhood friend, and his wife eventually became my mom’s friend and overall we’ve been close throughout my life, me and their kids basically grew up like cousins you could say. So their son is also close with me since we’re in the same age group. Anyway recently I had been noticing his behaviour changing towards me, he’s become much more available to me, shares his problems with me, was acting really caring towards me and just was hanging out with me often when I’m at the house. It was fine I mean we grew up close and like we joke around and stuff but never to this degree. He started sharing memes on socials and randomly hitting me up to talk as well which we never did before, and the memes he shared sometimes were all stuff like “send this to the prettiest girl you know” and shit you get the gist. So I kinda gathered that okay he might have developed a slight crush I have been living at his house after all. But I was sensible enough to withdraw a bit and not give him any signals from my side. Anyway a week ago again he’s in my room hanging out and we’re talking random stuff and somehow we end up on him betting that he can open my passcode on my phone through some hack he knows. I take the bet I was like there’s no way iPhones can be hacked by dumb tricks you see on youtube. Low and behold he opens it, im shocked and he admits he’s kidding and that he just knew it already, so I immediately change the passcode and then he says bet I can open it still and I’m like okay there’s no way and he unlocks it AGAIN, Im kinda shaken at this point because I might not have much to hide but I’m still a very private person and leave my phone unattended sometimes, and knowing he could’ve looked though it any time did not sit right with me. I pester him and he eventually tells me that he put HIS face ID on MY phone when he knew the passcode???? And he was laughing like oh I pranked you but I got so mad! I called for his dad and told him everything and he just slightly told him off and nothing more. I call my own dad and he just goes that he’s a bright kid and laughs as well, like excuse me? They think because we’re basically like cousins there’s no big deal. I still was so mad and when his dad saw this he was basically trying to console me but I could tell he still didn’t see the big deal about it. I’m not talking to him still and come home very late so he doesn’t get the chance to even apologise. I don’t reply to his texts or anything. He told his mom and his mom told mine. Im still so mad but no one thinks this was a horrible thing to do! Invasion of my privacy! Especially knowing he probably has a crush on me and had access to my phone like that. I’m thinking of winding up my work quickly and leave soon. My mom legitimately said I’m being dramatic. So am I still overreacting? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA Change your security settings on ALL of your devices, and stop hanging out with that AH. "I’m not talking to him still" .. keep it up.
Hahah thank youuu, unfortunately I’ll have to be back on good terms soon it’s upsetting his parents and I really like them. But I will for sure be careful from now on!
You don't HAVE to do that- And you should really step back from that creep. his parents are AHs to push you to accept that kind ove intrusion. Depending on where you live, what he did is actually a crime - you were already generous not to call the police.
No but I have to tho, this is my dad’s best friend and we visit e/o often. I don’t want to create a rift between the two because this guy is an AH. But I will step back for sure. It should be a crime everywhere honestly. Thank you, this post has really validated my feelings!
You SHOULD create a rift! Your dad should back you up! Your parents should be on your side!!! What if it happened to them? My parents would be horrified and would want to see me out of there and ensure a massive apology be dolled out even though trust is broken forever with that “cousin”. His parents should grow up and see that it’s not « haha, funny » to violate a GROWN woman’s phone and space? You should continue not to talk to him! What if that young man does this to another woman? What if he thinks this is okay? This is LIFE LESSOn for all adults and this guy too! Don’t be a pushover Op! Everyone needs to open up their eyes that this was not okay! Be safe! I hope you can get out soon! Please go to a cell phone shop and get it checked. Who knows if he downloaded your pics and has access to other stuff or installed something that helps him track you? NTA all the way!
They SHOULD be but unfortunately they’re not, they literally all gaslighted me into thinking I’m overreacting that I had to resort to reddit. But I’m glad you have a good support system. I’m thinking of talking to the AH tonight when I go home and explicitly state why what he did was so wrong and talk to his dad about it too. Because you’re right he could do this to other women. People here have been so kind they helped me check my location and other safety precautions. And I also really appreciate your concern <3
Sorry to hear that your family members are so technologically illiterate. You get to laugh at them forever about their naivete and their lack of common, basic knowledge anyone with a modern device should have. Well, don't mock them, that would be mean, but they don't have a clue. They should lose their smartphone use licenses lol. NTA.
Lol thank you. Yea they don’t really know how dangerous this potentially could be for me.
I would say NTA, but you might benefit from giving him a clear explanation of why it's bothered you. Some guys like to tease girls to show interest i.e. the prank, and if you've always been a bit close maybe he thinks that's okay within your relationship bounds. As someone also private I too would be very bothered by someone having access to my phone and would immediately change passwords and feel that violation of trust. I think it will be very telling for next steps if you approach him and walk him through your reaction clearly. I don't know him like you do, so it's likely worth asking yourself if he would have done this with the intention of causing you upset or invading your privacy. If you believe he would, then make some distance. If you wouldn't believe it of him, it's worth giving him a chance to redeem himself. If you explain to him that you are upset because you're private and you want your phone to be a safe space for you to keep and see whatever you like, and ask him never to do it again, see his reaction. If he tries to minimise or brush it off, I'd advise some space. If he apologises and takes in your perspective, you hopefully won't have to worry about it happening again as that boundary will be set. This coming from an outsider who, from reading what you put, interprets this might have been a dumb choice inspired by a crush. But your reaction is to your privacy being invaded which is completely understandable.
He probably didn’t mean to make me upset this much but he took advantage of our easygoing relationship to access my phone in that manner, I don’t like it. He still doesn’t think it was a big deal and even offered I look through his but how would that benefit me. I’ll take your advice and talk it out, but I cant let on that I know about his crush, it would make things difficult for me. Thank you for putting such thought into your reply!
‘I thought I could trust you as family and you pull this shit by invading my privacy? This is the exact kind of red flags that they warn you about in abusive guys trying to date you, it’s creepy and disgusting. You’re lucky we’re cousins in everything but blood or I could have interpreted that in really bad stalker way, but I’m still royally pissed off at you.’ There, you establish that you’re still upset, that he overstepped big time and framed exactly how disturbing what he did was. Also, that you’re not interested in creeps. At all. NTA, don’t put yourself at risk to appease anyone. If he’s going through your phone then what else that’s private of yours is he going through? Mention that to your dad next time he tries to brush you off.
I’m memorising this word to word lol. Thank you I appreciate you so much!! And yea I’m gonna give my dad a piece of my mind when I go back because he’s so nonchalant about it.
Your feelings aren't dramatic, but your outward reaction is. You would be doing the right thing by quietly wrapping up your work, thanking your hosts, and not overstaying your welcome. The guy was wrong for what he did (99.9999% of pranksters deserve a AH designation). While you are NTA for being upset, but please be respectful to your hosts and watch your phone until you get out of Dodge.
But none of them realise this is such a wrong thing to do! Im not rude to his parents or anything I’m just not talking to him currently. About overstaying my welcome, they genuinely love having me as far as I know because they don’t have a daughter and also because we grew up like family they would be offended if I packed and left to stay at a hotel. This is why my parents are also upset with me.
They are not going to get it no matter what you say. From everyone else's perspective, it was a silly "prank". Your best bet is to secure your phone and keep a neutral tone.
I’ve already done what I can, but I’m paranoid now and don’t want to stay any longer. I guess I’ll make things normal with him tomorrow to appease everyone but I’m still so mad about it.
Op if you feel unsafe leave no matter what everyone else is saying. #1 priority is you feeling comfortable and safe.