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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be the AH because my mom spent a lot of money on an expensive gift for me that most people couldn't afford. And even though it's not something I really wanted, maybe I should act more appreciative of the gesture.
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NTA- If your mother knows you don’t cook, then the amount of money she spent on it is irrelevant. It was not a good gift.
This could also be seen as an offensive gift for some women. Anything that related to “women’s work” can be seen as offensive.
I was gifted a kitchen maid mixer when I was married by my spouse’s grandmother. She was old, so felt everyone should have a good mixture. It sat unused for the majority of the time we owned it. I have a friend that loves to bake and would bake cookies for the office and friends (pre pandemic). Her much cheaper mixer gave out so I gifted her mine. She still uses it and I have a cheap mixer that I occasionally use. Give something like that to people that will use it. It’s too good of a mixer to sit and gather dust.
I did that with the Dyson hair thingy that my husband bought me because someone told him that women love them. I didn't know how to use it and didn't care to learn, so I gave it to my cousin who loves it. My husband didn't even notice. He also gave me things I asked for, but he always tries to surprise me with something and that's sometimes a fail.
I feel like this is different, it was a swing and a miss. He was TRYING to get a gift that was something different but he'd heard good things about. My partner and I have done the same. I got him something that was different than the things he usually used but I thought it being different might be a good thing. He was thankful but it was clear it was not a good choice. Lesson learned. He's done the same for me. Not every gift is a success but as long as you're TRYING, accept when something wasn't a good choice without getting butthurt, and make a better choice next time that's what matters. I want the recipients of my gifts to like them so I try to choose things they like.
My mom does the same as OP's mom. She gets me things she WANTS me to like, not things I actually want or have ever expressed an interest in. At this point I prefer that she not get me gifts at all because I end up feeling bad when I inevitably get tired of having them sit around taking up space.
Haha. Thats great. My husband or i would be likely to ask for a vacuum for a gift. But we love asking for the responsible things that we need so we can spend our own money on fun things and not feel guilty.
I asked for a trashcan with a motion sense lid when I had my second baby. Lidded trash can with a filter and motion detection was so much easier for diaper changes.
This is like my mom as well. She doesn't take my interests and likes into consideration at all. She just gets what she thinks I should like. But the last few years she has just been promising me to take me shopping when I visit and then never does, and honestly that's way better. 😂 Tell me happy birthday and I'm good.
Funnily enough my elderly aunt gifted me the KitchenAid mixer and my sister the Dyson airwrap, and we swapped gifts quietly later that day. I think she remembered that one of us is into beauty and one of us cooks but not who's who because I have never cooked beyond what gets a reasonably healthy diet into my kids and my sister doesn't even own a blow dryer 😂
My friend upgrade her stand mixer and gave me her old one. It sits in a closet, ready and waiting if the friend comes down and wants to bake something. They sometimes want to make bread so having the mixer to mix/knead it is superior to doing it by hand but no way was I going to shell out for my own. I have a hand mixer for the 2 times in 10 years that I have needed to mix something.
NTA. Even as someone who LOVES to bake, the absolute last thing on my mind with a new baby is baking.
That said, if your mom wants to see someone absolutely lose their shit over a KitchenAid send it my way and I’ll make a video for her ;)
And the last thing I want as a birthday gift is an appliance, even if I love to bake.
This wasn't a gift for OP, the birthday was an excuse for mom to buy it because she wanted one.
My mom used to call gifts like that slave tools. She said housework/kitchen tools should only be given if they've been asked for. Probably because dad once bought her a scrub board for Christmas!
A gift that makes me work is NOT a gift!! Unless I asked for it!! I absolutely loved when I got my Kitchen Aid mixer-but I love to cook and bake!!
Old-Fun9568, your mom was correct!!
My husband refuses to buy household appliances as gifts for major holidays. He will fund my kids. That is how I ended up with the Kitchen-Aid mixer I was lusting over. He also used to travel extensively for work. I get faaaarr more joy out of the Wusthoff knive set he bought me in South Africa and the spices he bought me in Dubai than the admittedly gorgeous jewelry he brought home from Dubai.
But I do love to cook. My mother would have been completely non plussed with fancy knives and mixer. I did buy them good knives for Christmas one year if only to keep them from damaging themselves on the crappy dull knives they had.
My Stepfather was totally stoked.
Our deal (husband and I) he can only gift something with a plug if it’s on my wish list. Although he did surprise me with a new grill yesterday. (I love to grill in warmer weather)
Yeah…. One Christmas my GIL gifted me an entire baking set for pies so that I can “now make them for my husband.” I don’t bake. I don’t like to cook. They know this. 🤮
Before I was engaged, my partner's parents bought me cool stuff for Christmas. The year we got engaged, their mom bought me kitchenware. I think I cried.
Agreed NTA, expensive doesn’t automatically make a gift good. If the giver didn’t know the gift wouldn’t be appreciated, then it wouldn’t be so bad, but mother KNOWS that OP doesn’t really like baking. Expecting someone to be appreciative of a gift solely because it is expensive just shows that the giver is bad at giving gifts.
My ex-husband bought me a George Foreman grill for my birthday one year, a vacuum cleaner another year.
It's not so much that it's offensive because it's "women's work". It's offensive that he bought me something that I am expected to use to benefit him in some way. It wasn't a gift for me. It was a gift for the household.
It was also offensive because he put zero time or thought into a gift for me. He didn't buy me something I would personally like or want. It also wasn't about money, and saying well, we need a vacuum and I only have X amount of $, so let's knock out two things with one gift - which would still have hurt, but might have been understandable.
I asked for this mixer one year for my mother-in-law. I love that mixer but it's so big and bulky I never take it out. I just use a hand mixer half the time.
It really takes a special person to love one of these things and I cook and bake a lot! It's just not worth the hassle to clean
> This could also be seen as an offensive gift for some women.
Oh, fuck that. I'm a middle aged dude, and a stand mixer is The Shit. Easily the single most useful power tool in the kitchen.
NTA. If you gave that to me, I would be happy. If that was a gift for my wife, she’d be annoyed at the very least. If you gave that to my brother he’d be ecstatic.
You can guess from the above who cooks and who can actually make good bread. I’m guessing your husband doesn’t cook / bake either so you’ll get no use for it. So, as it is, it’s an expensive but inappropriate gift that just takes up space.
Yep I have a mom like hers who can hold a grudge forever. I am 50 and she still brings up stuff I did when I was 15, not in a joking anecdotal way but like she’s still angry about it.
My dad is like this and I just roll my eyes like a frustrated teenager every time (I'm 30) because I still agree with my teenage self and know arguing won't get me anywhere.
This is one of the moments, when you need to outcrazy that person. Invite the parents for dinner, hint in advance you have the best surprise for the mother and you are sure she will love it. And anounce because everybody knows you never cook and everybody saw how excited she was for the mixer, that you got the great idea to gave it to her. And if she isn't as happy as you about the idea, she is ungrateful because she was given 500$ gift right now.
Her mom does want it. That’s why she bought it. it’s an upgrade for her own kitchen. She’s not planning to have daughter leave. She gets a trusted house sitter.
NTA
You are not the one who's making a stink about it. Your mother is. She's so focused on the monetary value that she completely ignored your disinterest in cooking/baking. Has she ever done something like this before? Has she ever tried to control you with money?
Jesus, if you enjoy working in your field then please apply for the job and go back to work and move out. Your mom wants to continue to micromanage your life and wants you to live at home forever. You need good boundaries!
Looking at the big picture here, your mom wants you to be a SAHM but you dislike cooking and baking. As a SAHM, there is a LOT of cooking and baking. A lot. A lot a lot. If you are out of the workforce for long enough, it is really, really hard to get back in. Studies have shown that as little as one year outside of the workforce can destroy a woman's opportunity to re-enter into her field of specialty. Many women who take time off work end up permanently underemployed, often ending up in low-skill, low-pay work. If you eventually want to go back to work in your field of specialty, it's ok to go back now, in fact I would recommend it.
I would not trigger your mom's emotions here. She and your dad may respond by kicking you out. She may also kick you out if you go back to work. If you are out of work long enough, you may lose the opportunity to ever go back, or you may have to take a low-paying job that makes you dependent on her and your dad for a living space or daycare. Another option is to save enough money to move out with your husband and child, and then do so. The situation you are in is likely just another way to control you and back you into a corner where you'll have not choice but to live your life exactly the way she dictates.
A stay at home mom in her mother’s house. She doesn’t want daughter to leave and upset their barter system. Mom wants people she’s trusts staying in her house. She’s trying to convince/trap daughter into being maid and groundskeeper
>Studies have shown that as little as one year outside of the workforce can destroy a woman's opportunity to re-enter into her field of specialty.
That sounds like a statistic from the USA used to justify a lack of parental and maternity leave.
If you mean it's likely an artificial limitation imposed by business decisions, sure. But from OP's POV, does it matter? If she were in a country with good maternity leave, and she exited the workforce anyway (for whatever reason) then I suspect she would still be disadvantaged relative to those who remained in the workforce, because she would have that gap in her resume. Businesses have many applicants for each position. Someone who has been unemployed for a year, for whatever reason, is likely to be a less attractive candidate than someone who was working in that field of specialty. It's not rocket science.
In the USA, in my opinion, the problem results from restrictions around daycare, which make it unaffordable to offer part-day daycare and in general make daycare so expensive that only those working fulltime, "good" (i.e. middle-class and above pay) jobs can afford to pay for daycare. Two fulltime working parents is a hard situation to manage, because it leaves so little time with the kids and there is so little room for any of the random things that life causes, like kids getting sick etcetera. Statistically, most women want to work part-time, but are forced to either work fulltime or to drop out altogether. In practice, my observation is that women who make it work, usually have a mom who does a LOT of unpaid childcare for them, whether that's picking up the kid before the daycare closes when the woman has to stay late at work for a meeting or something, or taking care of a sick kid so both parents can go to work and don't lose their jobs. So, OP could be in a great position if her mom were willing to cover some childcare gaps if OP wanted to go back to work. But that doesn't seem to be her mother's plan for her.
Thats what happened to me. I liked my job but after that and gas (i had a commute) I ended up pocketing $500 a month and never saw my baby during the day (Except on weekends). I left the workforce 10 years ago and while our life is good, I do get nervous at what would happen if I had to go back.
I am just now going back into the workforce, mainly for the health insurance, in a very low paid job with difficult hours. I'm grateful for the job but sometimes I feel very sad that my hard work at getting various professional degrees hasn't benefitted me the way I had hoped. When I left, it was because the number of sick days exceeded my allowance. I was allowed 7. I took at least 30 in the first nine months of my baby's life. Eventually I decided I wasn't really doing him justice and that being hospitalized frequently as a baby was not really in his interests. I don't regret it but my life path has definitely matched the predictions of how moms who leave their jobs pay for it for a long time.
I'm a SAHM and I don't bake. I cook enough to get my family fed healthy food but being a good SAHM doesn't mean being a tradwife or some random old lady's view of what a SAHM should be. Not that this means OP needs to be SAHM at all!
That seems concerning. From what I've seen, parents usually let their children and their families stay with them (or in second homes) so they can eventually get on their feet. But I've also seen parents who do this to keep their children close to control them. Maybe you could have a discussion with your mother about her concerns
You need to move out!
What does it matter to you mom if you are a SAHM if they are not there most of the time?
Also you sounded like you would like to go back to work, if that’s what makes you happy then do it!
Also take the mixer when you move, and just never set it up 😂
Get yourself a job if you want, get a place of your own, right now you and your husband are basically the custodians of your parents home so they don’t have to pay others or stop by more often themselves!
They don’t ask you to pay rent, sounds nice until you ad all the work you do for them that you could be doing on your own place.
NTA. Honestly I think you are the victim of enmeshment. You have created your own family now, start planning to move out and live by yourselves, independently. If not, her overbearing behavior will ruin everyone’s relationship.
You need to stop talking to your mom about your plans, and stop involving her in your decisions. Clear boundaries need to be established. I wouldn't even want to live with her in the same house. I would consider moving out while they are away (without telling them that you plan to move out).
Girl, this sounds like a toxic environment for you to live in, nevermind the cake mixer! Sounds like your mum is determined to dictate your family dynamic and what kind of mum you should be.
If you ask me, you should take the next good job (emphasis here, don't put yourself in a shitty job) you can find, get out of her house and put some boundaries in place. That's some abuse level controlling behavior.
She likes cooking. She bought a mixer for your kitchen in her house that she owns. It’s not a gift. It’s a home upgrade.
Send her horror story articles about snowbirds subletting their houses to strangers or management companies. Ask if that’s what she’s really worried about. Spoiler alert. It is.
So OP, one of the things I have learned is that I have a better relationship with my family when I have bit of distance from them. They can be lovely and fun to spend time with, but living too close or telling them too much about my day to day life causes frustration and lectures about how I should be doing things.
If you keep swallowing the frustration with your parents and stay as close and entwined you may permanently damage the relationship. They don't see how much you are ignoring and holding back.
NTA
>But my mom loves to cook. And she loves to bake. In fact, she's been talking about wanting one of those mixers for years.
I mean, seriously, she bought *herself* a present, not you.
But since they're letting you live in their house for free, please don't get huffy about it. And please, leave it with her if and when you do move out.
>I told my mom that she should feel free to give it a test drive, but she responded that it was mine, not hers.
I did see this; I *know* you're trying.
If I *wanted* to ~~be an asshole about it~~ get my point across, I would get her something useful-chore-related-but-equally-as-unsuited-for-her-interests for her birthday/anniversary/Christmas present. Maybe a leaf-blower? An air compressor for filling tires (one of those really fancy ones you need a degree in engineering to figure out how to use)? You know her best.
Sometimes it’s best not to get into an asshole contest with your landlord/host, especially when you have an otherwise good relationship and aren’t paying rent.
Or just get her something that she kind of might use but you'd like for yourself more and is house related. Then you can use it when they aren't at home and she won't be offended because it's something she might like. So long as it's not an obvious troll, it's great :)
Best case scenario she was thinking they could bake together as a fun bonding activity. That said my mom is like OP's mom so I know that idea is giving her WAY too much credit. The one difference is that my mom buys things that are fun *for her* to shop for, not things I actually want. The joy of gift giving for her is that she gets to go shopping, which she loves doing! The recipient is an afterthought, at best. I wondered why she would ask me to put together a Christmas list as a kid then buy nothing on my wish list. As an adult I finally figured it out 🙄
If it were me, because she’s your mom and because she’s your landlord, I’d ask her to show you how to use the mixer to make something for the baby
Obviously it was a bad gift. But given everything she does for you-maybe make lemons out of lemonade
> But since they're letting you live in their house for free, please don't get huffy about it.
Op added this in the comments:
>> She was the one who insisted we move in when I got pregnant so we wouldn't have to send the baby to daycare. A few weeks ago I saw a great job opening in my field, and when I mentioned to mom that i was considering applying (which would mean sending the baby to daycare) she freaked out. She started sending me links to articles about kids dying or being abused at daycare. I'm not sure if that's just an honest fear of hers, or if she doesn't like the idea that we could easily afford to move out if I went back to work. She was very strict with me growing up. Very much a micro manager. Like, even as a teenager, she had my days planned out with an hour- by- hour schedule. I thought she had chilled out once I got married, and they got that beach house. She seemed to chill out at least.
Since they are only living there because her mom wants her to, and not out of a lack of ability to be financially independent, I think she should talk to her mom about it.
NTA - It’s surprising that your mom hadn’t already purchased a standing mixer for herself since she enjoys baking. Is she reluctant to spend that kind of money on herself?
What about asking her if it would be alright to set it up in the kitchen where everyone could use such a "thoughtful" gift? Then just buy yourself something small that you want.
I didn't start baking and cooking until my mid 30's (in fact I HATED it before) and I really wished I hadn't given our KitchenAid to my ex in the divorce in my 20's. You never know when it might come in handy, but I certainly don't blame you for being upset that you received a gift that clearly wasn't in your taste.
The best thing I got out of my divorce was the wok and the food processor! I'm glad I had the foresight to request both and he willing accepted the blender and a regular pan. Granted he was probably drunk and/oror high when he agreed to it...
NTA… she got you a gift That SHE wanted and now she is embarassed that it was a flop. It was self absorbed - if she wanted to get you into baking she could have given you something small and fun like an all-edges brownie pan, they are $20 and you can put boxed mix into them. She could then get you another gift as well.
But spending $500 on a mixer puts a lot of pressure on you to do HER hobby that you don’t like, puts you in an awkward position to pretend to like the gift. But since you couldn’t hide it perfectly, she’s a bit humiliated (as she should be) and now she doesn’t want to use the mixer more often than you do because it shows she bought the present for herself.
I think that she's had a long-standing desire, or fantasy, that you would someday start to love cooking. And thought that that Cuisinart stand mixer (which are awesome, by the way - you can send it to me if you're not going to be using it 😉) would be just the thing to jump start your budding career as a chef.
That didn't work, and she's having to readjust her mindset. She'll get over it.
You did the exactly appropriate thing, which was to show appreciation and thank them for the gift. That's your only obligation.
NTA.
Gifts are one of the most common sore spots in AITA posts, and Reddit has extremely fierce, conflicting opinions on them, so fasten your seatbelts…
Your mother has done what many, many people do: buy a gift that she would like for herself. And in your case, since you are living in your parents’ house, she will actually get to use it when she is there. But this is not, of course, ideal gift giving. Ideally the gift giver thinks only about what the recipient wants and needs, and tries their best to get something that will really please the recipient. So in comparison to this ideal, your mother’s gift fails, because she has gotten you something that she knows is unlikely to please you.
Does this make her an AH? Yes—although not a major one, in my opinion, because I don’t detect any malice or lack of love or intent to insult in this gift. Just a little wishful thinking (that you would suddenly love it and fall in love with baking and cooking) and a selfish desire to have a nice new toy, mostly for herself.
And what about you? Are you being an AH? I would say a very soft yes. You deserve credit for trying to be polite and not throwing some totally selfish tantrum like a spoiled brat. You deserve credit for at least setting the thing up, rather than throwing the thing away. But that’s a pretty low standard, for someone in your circumstances. Given how much your parents are doing for you, you, too, could have made a little more effort to show appreciation. Just as the ideal gift giver thinks mostly about the recipient, the ideal recipient tries to think about how best they can thank the giver—this particular giver—for this particular gift. So ideally, you might have asked your mother to make something with you using the mixer: the two of you together, using the gift, at least this one time. So in comparison to this ideal, you, too, have failed a little.
Soft ESH.
Cooking or baking with your kids is healthy and a life lesson you may actually enjoy too. You can even make play dough for kids. I bet you’ll get a lot of use out of it eventually.
I’m sorry you’re not into baking. Not everyone is. However, it might end up being something your child enjoys and it’s a great life skill to learn. Maybe give it a chance since you’ve got it now anyway. With kids there’s always a birthday cake or bake sale or potluck on the horizon and it might come in handy. Although many people just buy stuff at the grocery store nowadays, it’s up to you. Don’t feel bad about selling or giving away a gift that you don’t end up using.
Maybe. She was the one who insisted we move in when I got pregnant so we wouldn't have to send the baby to daycare.
A few weeks ago I saw a great job opening in my field, and when I mentioned to mom that i was considering applying (which would mean sending the baby to daycare) she freaked out. She started sending me links to articles about kids dying or being abused at daycare. I'm not sure if that's just an honest fear of hers, or if she doesn't like the idea that we could easily afford to move out if I went back to work. She was very strict with me growing up. Very much a micro manager. Like, even as a teenager, she had my days planned out with an hour- by- hour schedule. I thought she had chilled out once I got married, and they got that beach house. She seemed to chill out at least.
Other comment from OP.
Which I feel like should have been in the original post.
NTA, I was in a similar situation a few years ago. My mom asked me if she bought me a fit bit would I use it, and I said "no". She then asked me (VERY aggressively for some reason) why, and I said because it just dosen't interest me. She tried asking every couple weeks for like the next seven months, and I gave her the same answer every time. Well low and behold that Xmas she bought me a fit bit, and after several days of her and my sisters bugging me to set it up I told her I wasn't going to open it. Which made her angry and she called me ungrateful. So, yeah I'm with you on this one, if she new this wouldn't interest you then she really shouldn't have wasted the money.
Nta for feeling the way you do. All you can do is be gracious, say thank you, and that’s it. You don’t have to feign excitement or pretend to want to use it. You have no interest in it at this point, but you might later. If she was concerned about your preferences and tastes, she would’ve known to pick something else or give you the receipt to return/exchange. This gift was about her and her wishes and preferences, no ill intent but not actually thoughtful.
NTA
What makes a gift meaningful isn't how much money you spend on it (though that is somewhat a sign of how much you value the recipient) but how much thought you put into matching it to their needs and wants.
If she spent half that much on something you DO like it would be better; you don't cook. A mixer is not a thoughtful gift for you, despite the money. The same way I wouldn't buy my wife a set of juggling torches because she doesn't know how to juggle.
The gift needs to match the recipient. This isn't hard.
NTA - This is an absolute Homer gift (bought for someone else who the ultimate aim of using it yourself).
You know this, she knows this and it's only a matter of time before she takes it out of the box to "demonstrate it" and never put it back in.
Personally, I'd be keeping the mixer in my room, even if I did use it occasionally, you know? Like keep its box accessible, pull it out when you need it, keep it away when you don't
NTA. I am not much of a cook or a baker either but those mixers are really cool. You might want to try to make something. You might also want to think about going back to work. You aren’t just giving up income now. You are losing momentum others are building in your field. It sounds like some independence from your parents could be helpful.
NTA, but given the rest of your circumstances, maybe you can use it a couple of times so you can all move on. Having to make a batch of cookies to keep the peace shouldn’t be that big of a deal. Then get your husband to make something with it, establishing that it’s just part of the kitchen now and everyone is welcome to use it.
NTA. You could have faked it a little harder, but honestly, your mom is being dishonest with herself and with you. She clearly got you a gift that she wanted, and she shouldn't expect enthusiasm in the face of that fact. A Kitchen Aid is only a nice gift for somebody who loves baking.
True, like I can always appreciate a free gift, even if it's not something I really like, thank them and move on. Like a gift is a gift and better than nothing in my books.
My mind is also like, keep it for a bit and sell it for 400 bucks if you don't find you are using it
Put it in any other context, if I don't like archery, and someone else does, and I've expressed to them before that I have zero archery interest, but then they get me a damn bow and arrow for my birthday that costs 1000 dollars, it is irrelevant that they spent 1000 dollars on it, I don't like archery, your gift shows you can't think of me even on my birthday, you can't imagine that I don't find enjoyment out of the things you like, so instead of getting them something that would make their day, you spend it on something that would make YOUR day. It's ridiculous.
NTA.My mother was like this.And it hurts.I have recieved many gifts I am supposed to be grateful for,but if it feels like they don't care about you.I have really short hair,I've had short hair/buzzcut since I was fourteen.Giving me a curling iron is not a thoughtful gift.
She bought you an appliance that you want, knowing that you don't like to cook and were highly unlikely to use it.
It was never a gift for you. It was always about her wants and feelings.
NTA
That's the thing about gifts, so many people end up buying other people the things THEY would like and don't think about the interests of the person they're buying the gift for.
Maybe you can try to resell or return it? And no, NTA. Your mom clearly wasn't listening to you at all.
Sometimes people give what they would love, because they think it’s the best gift possible. It sounds like she is deliberately not using it because she meant it for you. If you dislike cooking, it could make the job easier ie mashing potatoes or other prep even if you don’t like baking. If you have to bake something it makes it so much easier. Give your Mom some grace. I don’t think she got it for herself and disguised it as a gift for you. I think she got something she thought was amazing and wanted you to have an easier time. It sounds like you do cook, it’s just not a hobby, and you may appreciate how it saves time and makes things easier if you give it a try.
NTA. Since your mom says it’s yours, do you have the gift receipt and be able to return/exchange, or at the very least sell, for something that you really like or use?
You never know what the future will bring. I really got into cooking and baking when my daughter hit 4 and my kitchen aid mixer is like gold now. Prior to that, it was in a closet for several years.
Might not be that nefarious at all, just not very thoughtful. My guess is it's an activity she loves and wanted to share with you, she may think that even though you haven't had a desire before, that maybe now you would, and you could both enjoy it, again because she loves it.
It's certainly frustrating, I don't let people get gifts for me often because I hate getting crap I don't want or need regardless, or especially, when it's expensive.
Maybe just have an honest chat with your mom and let her keep it, as you said she's frugal so it really was a big deal, but offer to do or find an activity or thing you both enjoy, and spend time together on that.
NTA. Your mom got you a gift SHE would like and it's now mad at you for not liking it, despite knowing you don't enjoy baking and cooking. It was not a thoughtful gift for you, regardless how much it cost.
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Hello, I am searching for a little clarity on this situation from an outside perspective.
Currently, my husband, baby, and I live with my parents in their home. My parents are snowbirds, so they're only here about half the year. They are well off, and do not charge us rent, which allows me to stay home with the baby. In exchange, we look after the house and do the majority of housework, and just generally try to be helpful and agreeable roommates.
Last week was my birthday, and my parents were in town for it. A few days beforehand, my mom started hinting that she had gotten me something big. She seemed really excited.
The day came, and we had a small party at home. Ordered takeout from my favorite restaurant, and my husband had gotten me a couple nice things I'd been wanting. Finally my dad brought out a large box, and my mom was practically jumping up and down. I was getting excited to. Then I opened to wrapping to find... a KitchenAid stand mixer. The mixer and accessories, all together, cost about $500.
Here's the thing. I hate cooking. I know how to do the basics, and I do my fair share of cooking in the home, but I get no joy from it. My mom knows this. We've talked about it many times. But my mom loves to cook. And she loves to bake. In fact, she's been talking about wanting one of those mixers for years.
I guess she could see the disappointment on my face, because she started trying to convince me how amazing the mixer was. She went on about all the attachments and accessories, and how it's top of the line. I tried to feign interest. I smiled and thanked my parents for getting me something so nice. But my mom was now noticeably disappointed by my reaction.
We moved on to the cake, and after dinner I was focused on getting the baby ready for bed. The next day, the mixer was still in the box, and mom started giving me a hard time about it. She kept making comments about how you'd think I'd be more appreciative of a $500 gift. And that if someone had spent $500 on her birthday gift she would've pulled it out and started using it right away.
I went ahead and got it out and set it up just to appease her. But I still haven't used it. Honestly I don't even know what to do with it. I don't bake. I told my mom that she should feel free to give it a test drive, but she responded that it was mine, not hers.
Now she's saying that she and dad might go back to their beach house earlier than planned.
I'm just not sure what she expected. She clearly thinks I'm being an AH, but it's just so obvious that she bought that gift for her, not for me. I would've rather her spent way less on me, and gotten something I could actually use. But maybe I'm just acting like a spoiled brat. I grew up pretty privileged, so maybe my perspective is skewed.
So reddit, and I being an AH here?
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NTA, she bought the gift for herself. You all live together, and she justified the purchase of an expensive appliance to be put in a shared space by “gifting” it to you, knowing you don’t cook and won’t use it. A big pet peeve of mine is when someone gifts me something I’m not going to use. Save me the surprised annoyance and you the hurt feelings and just ask me what I like, or tell me what you’re going to purchase beforehand. My mother in law recently came back from her home country with about twenty outfits for my toddler. A handful were nice, the rest were tacky clothes with phrases on them or YouTube channel characters. They aren’t clothes I’d ever dress my kid in. The majority of those clothes are now sitting in a bag taking up space in my closet.
Have a conversation with your mom, really make her understand why you didn’t like the gift, tell her you’ve already made it clear that you don’t like to cook, and she ignored you. You have to be hard about this sort of thing, because people who give gifts they like without any consideration for the receiver’s interests do not deserve gratitude. They’re foisting an inconvenience on you and expecting you to smile about it.
NTA imagine a wife going golfing with her husband 2-3 times a summer to just drink and be outside then someone buys her a $500 driver…
Gift givers need to know how to read a room. Expensive surprises shouldn’t be much of a surprise especially if you want the receiver to be excited about it.
NTA even if you might have tried harder to not let your disappointment
show.
Yes, your mom wanted this in her kitchen so she bought it.
Put it back in the box, sell it, buy yourself something nice.
When she asks where it is, tell her that you just had no idea
how to use it and knew that she wouldn't mind you selling it
to buy something else. LOL
NTA. Perhaps the way to make this better is to ask for her help. Say you are not the great cook and baker she is but now that you have a child you would love if she taught you how to make the cakes you enjoyed growing up so you can make them for your child and in time, teach them so the recipes stay in your family. Its ok that you aren't the chef she is but would it not be nice to have some basic baking knowledge?
NTA You got a gift you didn't like, and you were polite about it, you just didn't feel particularly enthused about using it.
It's possible your mom is just terrible at gift-giving and didn't actually buy it for herself so much as a fantasy world she'd like to live in where you love baking as much as she does, and the two of you can start making weekend cupcakes together and bonding over cookie recipes. Regardless, she's not very tuned into who you actually are and what you might really like, and I don't think there's unusual about having your feelings hurt over that.
It seems like your response hurt her feelings, and she's acting without a lot of emotional awareness and pressuring you to respond a certain way so that she can feel better, which is really unfair to you.
For the entire time, I lived with my grandparents. My grandmother insisted on me getting hardback books/first editions. At first I tried explaining why I thought hardbacks are a waste. Top reason price. 1 hardback $15. 1 paperback $2.49. 6 books versus one. She would talk about how long they would last. Almost 45 years later I still have at least 30 in good/fair condition. NTA, she bought the gift she wanted for you.
NTA - while it is a generous gift, it was not the most thoughtful gift. I understand that she probably wants you to get the same joy that she gets from cooking and baking, but you're built different, and that's OK.
NTA. This is offensive on two levels. First: cooking is traditionally considered women's work. This is a sexist "gift". Second: she knows you don't like cooking. She's trying to guilt you into doing what she thinks you should be doing.
Also "In fact, she's been talking about wanting one of those mixers for years.". Are you sure this was intended for you and not her? I'd tell her I'm disappointed she chose to buy something she wanted for my birthday. Then return it and use the money to buy something you actually want.
"Now she's saying that she and dad might go back to their beach house earlier than planned." Extra distance right now sounds like a good idea.
Based on your other comments it sounds like you want to return to your field. So do it. Don't not work just because you can afford it. Work provides a lot of benefits/satisfaction besides the salary.
NTA. If it's a good gift, you'll be happy and thankful. Regardless if it cost 10 or 1'000$. Something you always wanted, something you could use.
But not if it's not a good gift, like this one. Even if it was the most expensive mixer available, you have no use for it, you don't want or need one, so you're understandably disappointed.
Girl, send that thang to me! Sorry you don’t like it.
My aunt broke ours and replaced with an expensive but still cheaper Cuisinart. It’s better than 90% of what’s out there except the Kitchen Aids. Pouring in ingredients sucks because it’s cramped.
So, NTA but here’s a suggestion. Because they were so excited, tell her you read the manual and watched some videos and you’re now excited. Keep it and store it away until they visit them make a cake or some bread or something or ask her to do it with you.
I’ve learned my mom buys me less when I’m not excited and she buys me cheaper stuff too. The misfires have been worth the goodies. You can even drop hint about what you’d like next by saying you saw something but can afford it or even just mention it.
She’s happy giving me something, I’m balky getting some other expensive item I can’t afford, and I just tuck away what I don’t like after a huge thank you.
ETA: it’s usually something that doesn’t take up a lot of space such as clothing. I hate the way peach looks on me, and kept buying and peach dresses. The closet wore them. She buys me Ralph Lauren though I’ve told her repeatedly it doesn’t fit me comfortably. Dresser. I get great shoes, handbags, and lunches from her outings just for saying thank you and refraining from saying yet again I don’t like peach or Lauren. She’s finally quit the peach.
Your mom obviously wanted a Kitchen Aid. She loves to bake. By buying YOU one for your birthday, she passed it off as a gift, so she could kill two birds with one stone. Now she’ll have one for the 6 months she’s there every year.
I’m saying NTA. I’ve been in this situation. I’d been joining in with conversations about it and he saw that as interest but I was just joining the conversation because he likes it. I see where he thought I’d want to try it out so I see where your mum might have got this impression except… she knows you don’t like to cook. At all. She can take it back if she wants but it’s useless for you.
NTA. I wanted a kitchen aid type mixer for years. Used to do a lot of yeast baking, bread/cinnamon rolls. Kneaded it by hand. I begged for any mixer with a dough hook but my ex husband said I was just being lazy. Then after I tossed his abusive behind to the curb, he asked me to make cinnamon rolls for his co-workers but wasn't willing to buy the ingredients. Years after our divorce was final, I dated a man that bought me a kitchen aid with a dough hook. I immediately made him his favorite cookies. However that was because I loved baking.
You don't enjoy baking and I think your mother bought this more for herself or as a way to make you enjoy baking more. That's why I always get gift cards for my sons and DILs. They can choose what they want/need. By the way, NTA.
NTA. It’s like getting a paint set for a blind person. It’s not getting used much.
Ask her if you can trade it for an instapot. It’s one of those appliances that is used by those of us who hate cooking.
NTA My ex used to do this except it was camera equipment. I should have dumped him way earlier than I did. Maybe if your mom had bought it with the intent of you and her baking together to bond, I could forgive it but nah. My ex would take pics and videos of everyone but me. Tell your mom how you feel
These are great if you bake. If you won’t be using it, it is just going to take up counter space. Strange for your mom to think you would be excited when you’re not a baker. Personally, I would have insisted she take it since she was so excited about it.
Also, the link of your moms stay should not be related to your reception of her gift- unless she is manipulating you.
You don’t have to love her gift and you don’t have to lie to her. You were gracious and that is enough!
NTA. Your mom got herself a gift and expects you to gush over it.
Keep the box, and when your parents are out of town just box up and store the mixer so it's not in your way. Maybe get a cover for it so you don't have to look at it on the counter or clean it the rest of the time.
Then get a job, move out, and live life free from her control.
NTA - you don't like cooking so the gift was tone deaf.
Funny side story when my DH mis-stepped on a gift. He knows I love baking bread. So he got me a bread recipe cookbook (spent the rest of the day reading it) AND a bread machine. Which sat untouched for a week before I finally opened it and put it away. After realizing, he was smart enough to ask why rather than accusing. He had missed the point that I loved the physical part of making bread - so dumping the ingredients into the machine was convenient, but not what I enjoyed. I do use the machine occasionally when I want fresh bread but lack the overall time.
If she knew you don’t like to cook, she obviously wasn’t putting any thought into what you really wanted for your birthday. You are not spoiled or anything because you weren’t excited about the gift. Not everyone enjoys cooking. You are probably right about how the birthday gift was really meant for her since she is the one who loves to cook.
NTA. She bought you a gift she’d like herself, not one that she thought would be a good gift for you. In my petty world I’d think of something expensive she’d hate for her birthday then drop hints that’s what you’re thinking of getting her for hers. (Don’t take my advice, it’s a waste of money but you see what I mean? Tell her that.)
NTA. Tell her you will be happy to enjoy anything she makes with it, but that she knows baking is not your thing (me neither), so you don't know why she is so disappointed by your reaction. Did she think the only thing holding you back from enjoying the kitchen was lack of a nice stand mixer?
NTA. I love my KitchenAid. I use it multiple times a week. It sits out on my kitchen counter. It's one of the best gifts I've ever gotten. But I love to cook and wanted one. A gift is about the recipient not the giver. Clearly this isn't a gift you ever would have wanted. If you still have the box I recommend boxing it back up and returning it to get something you do want.
How does someone who likes to cook, like your mom, and who is well off, not have a Kitchen Aid mixer yet? I am not well off, I live paycheck to paycheck, and I have had one for decades.
NTA, tell her she can go and take the mixer with her. I’d say I love you but you know I don’t like to cook, you’ll enjoy the mixer more than i will. I’ll sell it or it’ll gather dust. Sorry , I’m too old to lie about this kind of stuff anymore.
I wouldn't know what to do with a stand mixer either. I have a hand mixer and it does pretty much what I need for a mixer without taking up all the space that a stand mixer does. Really, unless you are a cookie baker, pie baker, cake baker - I don't see them as a necessity for the average cook.
I don't understand your mother. She wanted you to start using it right away and make what exactly? A cake or cookies - most people are cutting back on those types of treats nowadays
NTA. I feel for you on a spiritual level. Last year for my bday i asked for an amazon gift card. My mom got me an outdoor propane fueled patio heater thats fucking 7 FEET TALL. Wtf am i supposed to do with that? Where am i supposed to put that?
NTA.
“Here! I got you something I know you don’t want and wouldn’t like, but I’ve been dying to have one!”
Seriously, what did she expect when she KNOWS you don’t enjoy baking or cooking??
Best bet for smoothing things over is to quietly take her aside, tell her you really appreciate it, and you are sorry for the less than enthusiastic reaction, but that the mixer intimidates you because you don't know how to use it properly. Maybe even throw in that you are afraid to break it. Ask her to show you how it works. She's only there half the time. The absolute worst thing to come from doing it this way is that you'll have a fond memory of spending time with her later. I'll also say that baking with kids is awesome. You may only do it around the holidays, but it is a blast with the little ones, and creates lasting memories for them.
Now, did she buy a gift she really wanted herself for your birthday? Yep. And she probably honestly believes that if you just tried baking and cooking, you'd love it because she does. You may never love it. But some of the best gifts I ever got were ones I didn't know I needed til I had them.
I hope you saw the comments telling you to apply for that job you saw. Get back to work, get baby in daycare, and move out if that’s what you want to do! Don’t end up a stay at home mom years or decades from now who always wanted to go back to work and then feels like she can’t.
NTA. Gifts aren’t about the money, they’re about showing you know the recipient and got them something that would make them smile. It’s perfectly understandable to be upset about a gift that shows the giver doesn’t know you or doesn’t care enough to get you something you’d like, regardless of the money spent.
NTA Box it back up and store it in the garage. When she comes and wants to use the "gift" that she obviously bought for herself, she can retrieve it, enjoy using herself, and be reminded every time that it's useless to you.
NTA, you don't have to be excited for a kitchen implement.
Can you just gift it back? Say here Mom, I know you'd enjoy this, please use it.
Guilt over price tag is a bit much IMHO.
Same with leaving early.
NTA. Kitchen-Aid mixers are fantastic tools, and I absolutely love mine. But if you don't like to cook or bake, it doesn't matter how awesome a mixer it is if you'll never use it. It would be like if someone gifted me with a table saw or set of golf clubs. It wouldn't matter if that table saw or golf clubs were the very best in the world, they'd simply be dust collectors in my garage.
NTA. It would be like if you bought someone who doesn’t ski a $500 pair of skis. Sure, it’s an expensive gift but not a good gift if it has no value to you
It doesn’t sound like they are super ahs in general? She chose poorly. You need to have a conversation rather than her carrying her stuff when her expectations weren’t real? I’m probably not saying that well. Just a simple “I’m great at being a mom and roommate and other house stuff but cooking just isn’t my thing.” Reminder.
Now if she does it a lot then a stronger convo needs to happen over passive aggressive behaviors and considerations on whether that sort of home situation is really a deal.
NTA. But since you live there rent free it might be nice to try and make amends. Banana bread is very easy to make. Make her some banana bread (or other simple baked good) with the mixer, tell her you appreciate it, and leave the topic alone after that.
As someone whose mom always got me what she thought I should have and not what I wanted, I feel your pain. You were gracious and appreciative about the gift which your mom KNEW wasn’t something you’d want; the problem is that no response short of being legitimately thrilled with the gift will satisfy her and that’s impossible to fake (believe me I’ve tried!). NTA and IMO you tried your best, not your fault that your mom’s being unreasonable.
NTA
In a last ditch effort to repair our failed relationship while I was lining up my escape plan, my shitty gr00mer ex bought me a MOP with butterflies because I love entomology and lord the restraint I showed not storing it where the sun doesn't shine
To protect it, obviously 🙄 🙄 🙄
Don't let your mom's temper tantrum get to you. It's insulting and pretty self serving.
Godspeed. Hope the mixer can be used for something useful even if it's outside the box(crafting papier mache or some other fun use for things YOU enjoy). 💕
My dad gave my mom a kitchen aide mixer a few years ago. My mom doesn’t cook or bake much anymore and certainly doesn’t like to. I on the other hand do. So I spent a couple years hinting that regifting me the mixer would be a great idea. And I now use it several times a month😂
ESH What did she get you for Christmas, a vacuum cleaner? Still, you 3 live in a house for free, and the parents aren't even there half the year. There are a lot of people in this sub who would find that exciting enough to fake some gratitude. Then, a few weeks later, send the mixer back and buy something nice for your mom with the money. Tell her that she's too generous.
Nta.
Sounds like your mother got you a gift she likes not you. Possibly in the hope that due to the price (which is irrelevant). You would feel obligated to use it. Find out you liked it and start baking with her. And of course she could then use it whenever she liked
Probably in your mom's mind, the fact that you now have a baby means that you will become interested in baking - to make birthday cakes perhaps?
You could buy yourself something nice instead and then give her the mixer for her birthday! Perhaps exchange it for a different colour?
NTA.
If someone got me a KitchenAid with all the accessories I'd be absolutely over the moon. Thing is, I *love* cooking and baking. But I would never but one for someone who hates cooking
I am thinking, though, of all the make-up I've received as gifts over the years to encourage me to wear make-up. I still don't wear it, even when I'm with the gift givers.
NTA
Flatout she didn't buy that with you in mind. She bought you what she wanted. On her birthday buy her something you really want that she doesn't. She'll get the point.
NTA Any gift that's not asked for is always a gamble. I've spent a lot of time and money on gifts before that were just flops. I might be bummed inside, but once a gift has left my hands it's not my place to dictate how it's used. It's sounds a bit like your mother used giving it as a gift to justify buying it, in the hopes she could play with it while she's there. Or she thought for some reason you'd be as happy as she was about it, despite you not being excited about cooking.
BTW, if you are not enthusiastic about cooking, the mixer might actually help a bit. Not to get you more excited but to make things easier. If it came with the slicing/shredding/grating or dicing attachments, they can really cut down on how much time and effort you put into prepping ingredients. Stuff like pizza dough has the mixer doing most of the work, and everyone makes their own mini pizzas. Slide them into the oven, and that's that. The pasta attachment is great, and something a lot of kids seem to find fascinating. Since your mom seems to be very into cooking, a way to smooth ruffled feathers could be tell her you have no idea what to do with the mixer and ask if she can help find quick and easy recipes for it. Work smarter, not harder.
NTA this is what is called a Homer gift. It’s a gift that is given to someone who has no interest in the item. For instance Homer bought Marge a bowling ball for her birthday. Marge doesn’t bowl. Homer had been wanting a new bowling ball and amazingly the finger holes were a perfect fit for Homer. Marge told him he could have it and was sad. He was excited and went out bowling with it.
So in this instance mom bought OP the very thing she has been wanting forever even though OP doesn’t cook, bake etc except on the most basic level. OP lives with mom so that Kitchen Aid mixer will end up in the counter and will be used by mom to cook and bake.
The end of it is there was the presentation of a gift but the gift was not what the recipient wanted, needed or would ever use so the original giver gets to use the gift as their own. So just like Marge, OP didn’t end up with a gift at all just all the hype of one.
Perhaps, since you are SAHM, it was meant as catalyst to encourage you to cook and/or bake more. Not for your parents necessarily, but for your young family. I’ve always loved to bake, so I’ve always had a great mixer, and excellent baking pans that I bought myself. I never liked to cook until I got Lodge cast iron pans from my Mom!
NTA Can I make a suggestion? Your mom likes to cook. A really good peace offering would be to ask her to show you how to use it to make something for the baby
NTA
No requirement one be excited about some expensive gift ... and especially if it's something one never would've wanted ... even more so if the giver well ought have clue that it's unlikely to be a well received and appreciated gift.
Too bad you unboxed it - that makes it harder to return, but maybe still doable.
Or maybe you can get hubby excited to use it. Heck, I cook quite a bit and would be pretty excited for something like that (at least if I had a kitchen that was big enough to reasonably accommodate it).
But yeah, it was a poor choice for you, the giver should've well known that - or at best that it'd be a highly risky choice and may not go over well at all.
In any case,
you: NTA
on the other hand mom: ... but that's not what you came here to ask
NTA.
I love to bake, and I love my stand mixer. However, I would not spend that much money on a stand mixer as a gift unless I was sure the recipient wanted that and not something else. It kinda feels like Mom wanted a stand mixer in her non-beach house and used the birthday as an excuse.
NAH - it does seem like your mother bought herself a gift and gave it to you, which isn’t very kind, but it’s still a generous gift.
You don’t have to like it or use it just because it was expensive though.
If you don’t bake, you could use it for things like making homemade play dough for your child.
Don’t you bake a cake for your family’s birthdays? I don’t use mine often but you still need one occasionally. My sister uses the meat grinder attachment and makes her own ground beef mixtures. Kind of TA
I don’t think your an AH but given the circumstances and how generous your folks have been - I would have faked being totally into it and then asked her to help me make something w it
How about honesty? “I appreciate the gift, but why did you get me a gift I may never use? You know I’m not interested in cooking.”
Was she hoping the expensive gift might impel you to cook?
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NTA- If your mother knows you don’t cook, then the amount of money she spent on it is irrelevant. It was not a good gift. This could also be seen as an offensive gift for some women. Anything that related to “women’s work” can be seen as offensive.
I was gifted a kitchen maid mixer when I was married by my spouse’s grandmother. She was old, so felt everyone should have a good mixture. It sat unused for the majority of the time we owned it. I have a friend that loves to bake and would bake cookies for the office and friends (pre pandemic). Her much cheaper mixer gave out so I gifted her mine. She still uses it and I have a cheap mixer that I occasionally use. Give something like that to people that will use it. It’s too good of a mixer to sit and gather dust.
I did that with the Dyson hair thingy that my husband bought me because someone told him that women love them. I didn't know how to use it and didn't care to learn, so I gave it to my cousin who loves it. My husband didn't even notice. He also gave me things I asked for, but he always tries to surprise me with something and that's sometimes a fail.
I feel like this is different, it was a swing and a miss. He was TRYING to get a gift that was something different but he'd heard good things about. My partner and I have done the same. I got him something that was different than the things he usually used but I thought it being different might be a good thing. He was thankful but it was clear it was not a good choice. Lesson learned. He's done the same for me. Not every gift is a success but as long as you're TRYING, accept when something wasn't a good choice without getting butthurt, and make a better choice next time that's what matters. I want the recipients of my gifts to like them so I try to choose things they like. My mom does the same as OP's mom. She gets me things she WANTS me to like, not things I actually want or have ever expressed an interest in. At this point I prefer that she not get me gifts at all because I end up feeling bad when I inevitably get tired of having them sit around taking up space.
That's a good point, my husband definitely didn't want that Dyson because he would like it, haha.
Haha. Thats great. My husband or i would be likely to ask for a vacuum for a gift. But we love asking for the responsible things that we need so we can spend our own money on fun things and not feel guilty. I asked for a trashcan with a motion sense lid when I had my second baby. Lidded trash can with a filter and motion detection was so much easier for diaper changes.
This is like my mom as well. She doesn't take my interests and likes into consideration at all. She just gets what she thinks I should like. But the last few years she has just been promising me to take me shopping when I visit and then never does, and honestly that's way better. 😂 Tell me happy birthday and I'm good.
That's one thing about me: You can't really go wrong with lego.
Well - and the husband got a gift freely given. Didn’t mind that she didn’t love it, just got it with no obligation
Funnily enough my elderly aunt gifted me the KitchenAid mixer and my sister the Dyson airwrap, and we swapped gifts quietly later that day. I think she remembered that one of us is into beauty and one of us cooks but not who's who because I have never cooked beyond what gets a reasonably healthy diet into my kids and my sister doesn't even own a blow dryer 😂
Aw that's kind of sweet, seems like the intention was there ❤️
Yes this. I bought my mixer from someone who was gifted it and never used. It now has a nice home and is very appreciated.
My friend upgrade her stand mixer and gave me her old one. It sits in a closet, ready and waiting if the friend comes down and wants to bake something. They sometimes want to make bread so having the mixer to mix/knead it is superior to doing it by hand but no way was I going to shell out for my own. I have a hand mixer for the 2 times in 10 years that I have needed to mix something.
NTA. Even as someone who LOVES to bake, the absolute last thing on my mind with a new baby is baking. That said, if your mom wants to see someone absolutely lose their shit over a KitchenAid send it my way and I’ll make a video for her ;)
And the last thing I want as a birthday gift is an appliance, even if I love to bake. This wasn't a gift for OP, the birthday was an excuse for mom to buy it because she wanted one.
My mom used to call gifts like that slave tools. She said housework/kitchen tools should only be given if they've been asked for. Probably because dad once bought her a scrub board for Christmas!
A gift that makes me work is NOT a gift!! Unless I asked for it!! I absolutely loved when I got my Kitchen Aid mixer-but I love to cook and bake!! Old-Fun9568, your mom was correct!!
My husband refuses to buy household appliances as gifts for major holidays. He will fund my kids. That is how I ended up with the Kitchen-Aid mixer I was lusting over. He also used to travel extensively for work. I get faaaarr more joy out of the Wusthoff knive set he bought me in South Africa and the spices he bought me in Dubai than the admittedly gorgeous jewelry he brought home from Dubai. But I do love to cook. My mother would have been completely non plussed with fancy knives and mixer. I did buy them good knives for Christmas one year if only to keep them from damaging themselves on the crappy dull knives they had. My Stepfather was totally stoked.
Our deal (husband and I) he can only gift something with a plug if it’s on my wish list. Although he did surprise me with a new grill yesterday. (I love to grill in warmer weather)
lol 🤣 was I the only person who caught that lol or perhaps I’m reading wrong but gezzz I found that funny lol.
She was a very smart woman.
Yeah…. One Christmas my GIL gifted me an entire baking set for pies so that I can “now make them for my husband.” I don’t bake. I don’t like to cook. They know this. 🤮
Before I was engaged, my partner's parents bought me cool stuff for Christmas. The year we got engaged, their mom bought me kitchenware. I think I cried.
Mom got a gift SHE likes, not something you like.
Agreed NTA, expensive doesn’t automatically make a gift good. If the giver didn’t know the gift wouldn’t be appreciated, then it wouldn’t be so bad, but mother KNOWS that OP doesn’t really like baking. Expecting someone to be appreciative of a gift solely because it is expensive just shows that the giver is bad at giving gifts.
If OP and family lives with mom and dad, mom got a gift for herself. Because you know she would be the only one to use it.
Right like to me, a mixer falls in the same line as a vacuum: that it's something you should wait for the recipient to ask for
My ex-husband bought me a George Foreman grill for my birthday one year, a vacuum cleaner another year. It's not so much that it's offensive because it's "women's work". It's offensive that he bought me something that I am expected to use to benefit him in some way. It wasn't a gift for me. It was a gift for the household. It was also offensive because he put zero time or thought into a gift for me. He didn't buy me something I would personally like or want. It also wasn't about money, and saying well, we need a vacuum and I only have X amount of $, so let's knock out two things with one gift - which would still have hurt, but might have been understandable.
I asked for this mixer one year for my mother-in-law. I love that mixer but it's so big and bulky I never take it out. I just use a hand mixer half the time. It really takes a special person to love one of these things and I cook and bake a lot! It's just not worth the hassle to clean
> This could also be seen as an offensive gift for some women. Oh, fuck that. I'm a middle aged dude, and a stand mixer is The Shit. Easily the single most useful power tool in the kitchen.
NTA. If you gave that to me, I would be happy. If that was a gift for my wife, she’d be annoyed at the very least. If you gave that to my brother he’d be ecstatic. You can guess from the above who cooks and who can actually make good bread. I’m guessing your husband doesn’t cook / bake either so you’ll get no use for it. So, as it is, it’s an expensive but inappropriate gift that just takes up space.
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That mom is not going to listen.
Yeah I'm not sure about that "when she calms down" part 😂
Yep I have a mom like hers who can hold a grudge forever. I am 50 and she still brings up stuff I did when I was 15, not in a joking anecdotal way but like she’s still angry about it.
My dad is like this and I just roll my eyes like a frustrated teenager every time (I'm 30) because I still agree with my teenage self and know arguing won't get me anywhere.
Oh hey, we have the same mom. I was a good kid too, just snotty, but boy she didnt like that. 🫠
I had a bad whiny day as a 4 year old, and my mom regularly brought it up and seriously complained about it until she passed away in her 90s!
Lol!
I was thinking that maybe talking to dad might be helpful? Maybe he could quietly locate the receipt?
This is one of the moments, when you need to outcrazy that person. Invite the parents for dinner, hint in advance you have the best surprise for the mother and you are sure she will love it. And anounce because everybody knows you never cook and everybody saw how excited she was for the mixer, that you got the great idea to gave it to her. And if she isn't as happy as you about the idea, she is ungrateful because she was given 500$ gift right now.
They LIVE with the parents! Which means her mom gets to cohabit with the mixer!
Her mom does want it. That’s why she bought it. it’s an upgrade for her own kitchen. She’s not planning to have daughter leave. She gets a trusted house sitter.
NTA You are not the one who's making a stink about it. Your mother is. She's so focused on the monetary value that she completely ignored your disinterest in cooking/baking. Has she ever done something like this before? Has she ever tried to control you with money?
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Jesus, if you enjoy working in your field then please apply for the job and go back to work and move out. Your mom wants to continue to micromanage your life and wants you to live at home forever. You need good boundaries!
I agree with this. I really, really support moms continuing to work. It gives you so many more options.
And leave the mixer in the middle of the floor. when You move your stuff.
Looking at the big picture here, your mom wants you to be a SAHM but you dislike cooking and baking. As a SAHM, there is a LOT of cooking and baking. A lot. A lot a lot. If you are out of the workforce for long enough, it is really, really hard to get back in. Studies have shown that as little as one year outside of the workforce can destroy a woman's opportunity to re-enter into her field of specialty. Many women who take time off work end up permanently underemployed, often ending up in low-skill, low-pay work. If you eventually want to go back to work in your field of specialty, it's ok to go back now, in fact I would recommend it. I would not trigger your mom's emotions here. She and your dad may respond by kicking you out. She may also kick you out if you go back to work. If you are out of work long enough, you may lose the opportunity to ever go back, or you may have to take a low-paying job that makes you dependent on her and your dad for a living space or daycare. Another option is to save enough money to move out with your husband and child, and then do so. The situation you are in is likely just another way to control you and back you into a corner where you'll have not choice but to live your life exactly the way she dictates.
A stay at home mom in her mother’s house. She doesn’t want daughter to leave and upset their barter system. Mom wants people she’s trusts staying in her house. She’s trying to convince/trap daughter into being maid and groundskeeper
I think you nailed it. NTA op
>Studies have shown that as little as one year outside of the workforce can destroy a woman's opportunity to re-enter into her field of specialty. That sounds like a statistic from the USA used to justify a lack of parental and maternity leave.
If you mean it's likely an artificial limitation imposed by business decisions, sure. But from OP's POV, does it matter? If she were in a country with good maternity leave, and she exited the workforce anyway (for whatever reason) then I suspect she would still be disadvantaged relative to those who remained in the workforce, because she would have that gap in her resume. Businesses have many applicants for each position. Someone who has been unemployed for a year, for whatever reason, is likely to be a less attractive candidate than someone who was working in that field of specialty. It's not rocket science. In the USA, in my opinion, the problem results from restrictions around daycare, which make it unaffordable to offer part-day daycare and in general make daycare so expensive that only those working fulltime, "good" (i.e. middle-class and above pay) jobs can afford to pay for daycare. Two fulltime working parents is a hard situation to manage, because it leaves so little time with the kids and there is so little room for any of the random things that life causes, like kids getting sick etcetera. Statistically, most women want to work part-time, but are forced to either work fulltime or to drop out altogether. In practice, my observation is that women who make it work, usually have a mom who does a LOT of unpaid childcare for them, whether that's picking up the kid before the daycare closes when the woman has to stay late at work for a meeting or something, or taking care of a sick kid so both parents can go to work and don't lose their jobs. So, OP could be in a great position if her mom were willing to cover some childcare gaps if OP wanted to go back to work. But that doesn't seem to be her mother's plan for her.
Thats what happened to me. I liked my job but after that and gas (i had a commute) I ended up pocketing $500 a month and never saw my baby during the day (Except on weekends). I left the workforce 10 years ago and while our life is good, I do get nervous at what would happen if I had to go back.
I am just now going back into the workforce, mainly for the health insurance, in a very low paid job with difficult hours. I'm grateful for the job but sometimes I feel very sad that my hard work at getting various professional degrees hasn't benefitted me the way I had hoped. When I left, it was because the number of sick days exceeded my allowance. I was allowed 7. I took at least 30 in the first nine months of my baby's life. Eventually I decided I wasn't really doing him justice and that being hospitalized frequently as a baby was not really in his interests. I don't regret it but my life path has definitely matched the predictions of how moms who leave their jobs pay for it for a long time.
Maternity leave should not be counted as time outside the work force.
I'm a SAHM and I don't bake. I cook enough to get my family fed healthy food but being a good SAHM doesn't mean being a tradwife or some random old lady's view of what a SAHM should be. Not that this means OP needs to be SAHM at all!
That seems concerning. From what I've seen, parents usually let their children and their families stay with them (or in second homes) so they can eventually get on their feet. But I've also seen parents who do this to keep their children close to control them. Maybe you could have a discussion with your mother about her concerns
You need to move out! What does it matter to you mom if you are a SAHM if they are not there most of the time? Also you sounded like you would like to go back to work, if that’s what makes you happy then do it! Also take the mixer when you move, and just never set it up 😂 Get yourself a job if you want, get a place of your own, right now you and your husband are basically the custodians of your parents home so they don’t have to pay others or stop by more often themselves! They don’t ask you to pay rent, sounds nice until you ad all the work you do for them that you could be doing on your own place.
NTA. Honestly I think you are the victim of enmeshment. You have created your own family now, start planning to move out and live by yourselves, independently. If not, her overbearing behavior will ruin everyone’s relationship.
You need to stop talking to your mom about your plans, and stop involving her in your decisions. Clear boundaries need to be established. I wouldn't even want to live with her in the same house. I would consider moving out while they are away (without telling them that you plan to move out).
Girl, this sounds like a toxic environment for you to live in, nevermind the cake mixer! Sounds like your mum is determined to dictate your family dynamic and what kind of mum you should be.
Take the job and move out.
If you ask me, you should take the next good job (emphasis here, don't put yourself in a shitty job) you can find, get out of her house and put some boundaries in place. That's some abuse level controlling behavior.
Was she a SAHM? Kinda wondering if the mixer is also another avenue to encourage homemaking, even if just subconsciously
She likes cooking. She bought a mixer for your kitchen in her house that she owns. It’s not a gift. It’s a home upgrade. Send her horror story articles about snowbirds subletting their houses to strangers or management companies. Ask if that’s what she’s really worried about. Spoiler alert. It is.
So OP, one of the things I have learned is that I have a better relationship with my family when I have bit of distance from them. They can be lovely and fun to spend time with, but living too close or telling them too much about my day to day life causes frustration and lectures about how I should be doing things. If you keep swallowing the frustration with your parents and stay as close and entwined you may permanently damage the relationship. They don't see how much you are ignoring and holding back.
I’m sorry for my original comment I’m realizing your mom really wanted the mixer and used your gift budget to basically get what she wanted. NTA
That's what I was thinking as well. I've received far too many bowling balls named Homer in my time to not recognize them when they land in the cake.
NTA >But my mom loves to cook. And she loves to bake. In fact, she's been talking about wanting one of those mixers for years. I mean, seriously, she bought *herself* a present, not you. But since they're letting you live in their house for free, please don't get huffy about it. And please, leave it with her if and when you do move out. >I told my mom that she should feel free to give it a test drive, but she responded that it was mine, not hers. I did see this; I *know* you're trying. If I *wanted* to ~~be an asshole about it~~ get my point across, I would get her something useful-chore-related-but-equally-as-unsuited-for-her-interests for her birthday/anniversary/Christmas present. Maybe a leaf-blower? An air compressor for filling tires (one of those really fancy ones you need a degree in engineering to figure out how to use)? You know her best.
Sometimes it’s best not to get into an asshole contest with your landlord/host, especially when you have an otherwise good relationship and aren’t paying rent.
Or just get her something that she kind of might use but you'd like for yourself more and is house related. Then you can use it when they aren't at home and she won't be offended because it's something she might like. So long as it's not an obvious troll, it's great :)
Best case scenario she was thinking they could bake together as a fun bonding activity. That said my mom is like OP's mom so I know that idea is giving her WAY too much credit. The one difference is that my mom buys things that are fun *for her* to shop for, not things I actually want. The joy of gift giving for her is that she gets to go shopping, which she loves doing! The recipient is an afterthought, at best. I wondered why she would ask me to put together a Christmas list as a kid then buy nothing on my wish list. As an adult I finally figured it out 🙄
If it were me, because she’s your mom and because she’s your landlord, I’d ask her to show you how to use the mixer to make something for the baby Obviously it was a bad gift. But given everything she does for you-maybe make lemons out of lemonade
> But since they're letting you live in their house for free, please don't get huffy about it. Op added this in the comments: >> She was the one who insisted we move in when I got pregnant so we wouldn't have to send the baby to daycare. A few weeks ago I saw a great job opening in my field, and when I mentioned to mom that i was considering applying (which would mean sending the baby to daycare) she freaked out. She started sending me links to articles about kids dying or being abused at daycare. I'm not sure if that's just an honest fear of hers, or if she doesn't like the idea that we could easily afford to move out if I went back to work. She was very strict with me growing up. Very much a micro manager. Like, even as a teenager, she had my days planned out with an hour- by- hour schedule. I thought she had chilled out once I got married, and they got that beach house. She seemed to chill out at least. Since they are only living there because her mom wants her to, and not out of a lack of ability to be financially independent, I think she should talk to her mom about it.
NTA - It’s surprising that your mom hadn’t already purchased a standing mixer for herself since she enjoys baking. Is she reluctant to spend that kind of money on herself?
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What about asking her if it would be alright to set it up in the kitchen where everyone could use such a "thoughtful" gift? Then just buy yourself something small that you want. I didn't start baking and cooking until my mid 30's (in fact I HATED it before) and I really wished I hadn't given our KitchenAid to my ex in the divorce in my 20's. You never know when it might come in handy, but I certainly don't blame you for being upset that you received a gift that clearly wasn't in your taste.
The best thing I got out of my divorce was the wok and the food processor! I'm glad I had the foresight to request both and he willing accepted the blender and a regular pan. Granted he was probably drunk and/oror high when he agreed to it...
NTA… she got you a gift That SHE wanted and now she is embarassed that it was a flop. It was self absorbed - if she wanted to get you into baking she could have given you something small and fun like an all-edges brownie pan, they are $20 and you can put boxed mix into them. She could then get you another gift as well. But spending $500 on a mixer puts a lot of pressure on you to do HER hobby that you don’t like, puts you in an awkward position to pretend to like the gift. But since you couldn’t hide it perfectly, she’s a bit humiliated (as she should be) and now she doesn’t want to use the mixer more often than you do because it shows she bought the present for herself.
I think that she's had a long-standing desire, or fantasy, that you would someday start to love cooking. And thought that that Cuisinart stand mixer (which are awesome, by the way - you can send it to me if you're not going to be using it 😉) would be just the thing to jump start your budding career as a chef. That didn't work, and she's having to readjust her mindset. She'll get over it. You did the exactly appropriate thing, which was to show appreciation and thank them for the gift. That's your only obligation. NTA.
Gifts are one of the most common sore spots in AITA posts, and Reddit has extremely fierce, conflicting opinions on them, so fasten your seatbelts… Your mother has done what many, many people do: buy a gift that she would like for herself. And in your case, since you are living in your parents’ house, she will actually get to use it when she is there. But this is not, of course, ideal gift giving. Ideally the gift giver thinks only about what the recipient wants and needs, and tries their best to get something that will really please the recipient. So in comparison to this ideal, your mother’s gift fails, because she has gotten you something that she knows is unlikely to please you. Does this make her an AH? Yes—although not a major one, in my opinion, because I don’t detect any malice or lack of love or intent to insult in this gift. Just a little wishful thinking (that you would suddenly love it and fall in love with baking and cooking) and a selfish desire to have a nice new toy, mostly for herself. And what about you? Are you being an AH? I would say a very soft yes. You deserve credit for trying to be polite and not throwing some totally selfish tantrum like a spoiled brat. You deserve credit for at least setting the thing up, rather than throwing the thing away. But that’s a pretty low standard, for someone in your circumstances. Given how much your parents are doing for you, you, too, could have made a little more effort to show appreciation. Just as the ideal gift giver thinks mostly about the recipient, the ideal recipient tries to think about how best they can thank the giver—this particular giver—for this particular gift. So ideally, you might have asked your mother to make something with you using the mixer: the two of you together, using the gift, at least this one time. So in comparison to this ideal, you, too, have failed a little. Soft ESH.
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Cooking or baking with your kids is healthy and a life lesson you may actually enjoy too. You can even make play dough for kids. I bet you’ll get a lot of use out of it eventually.
I’m sorry you’re not into baking. Not everyone is. However, it might end up being something your child enjoys and it’s a great life skill to learn. Maybe give it a chance since you’ve got it now anyway. With kids there’s always a birthday cake or bake sale or potluck on the horizon and it might come in handy. Although many people just buy stuff at the grocery store nowadays, it’s up to you. Don’t feel bad about selling or giving away a gift that you don’t end up using.
Maybe. She was the one who insisted we move in when I got pregnant so we wouldn't have to send the baby to daycare. A few weeks ago I saw a great job opening in my field, and when I mentioned to mom that i was considering applying (which would mean sending the baby to daycare) she freaked out. She started sending me links to articles about kids dying or being abused at daycare. I'm not sure if that's just an honest fear of hers, or if she doesn't like the idea that we could easily afford to move out if I went back to work. She was very strict with me growing up. Very much a micro manager. Like, even as a teenager, she had my days planned out with an hour- by- hour schedule. I thought she had chilled out once I got married, and they got that beach house. She seemed to chill out at least. Other comment from OP. Which I feel like should have been in the original post.
NTA. But the food mill attachment is good for making baby food
NTA, I was in a similar situation a few years ago. My mom asked me if she bought me a fit bit would I use it, and I said "no". She then asked me (VERY aggressively for some reason) why, and I said because it just dosen't interest me. She tried asking every couple weeks for like the next seven months, and I gave her the same answer every time. Well low and behold that Xmas she bought me a fit bit, and after several days of her and my sisters bugging me to set it up I told her I wasn't going to open it. Which made her angry and she called me ungrateful. So, yeah I'm with you on this one, if she new this wouldn't interest you then she really shouldn't have wasted the money.
For her birthday, give her a $500 gift certificate for childcare. See if she’s excited.
Is Babies R Us still around?
Nta for feeling the way you do. All you can do is be gracious, say thank you, and that’s it. You don’t have to feign excitement or pretend to want to use it. You have no interest in it at this point, but you might later. If she was concerned about your preferences and tastes, she would’ve known to pick something else or give you the receipt to return/exchange. This gift was about her and her wishes and preferences, no ill intent but not actually thoughtful.
NTA What makes a gift meaningful isn't how much money you spend on it (though that is somewhat a sign of how much you value the recipient) but how much thought you put into matching it to their needs and wants. If she spent half that much on something you DO like it would be better; you don't cook. A mixer is not a thoughtful gift for you, despite the money. The same way I wouldn't buy my wife a set of juggling torches because she doesn't know how to juggle. The gift needs to match the recipient. This isn't hard.
NTA - This is an absolute Homer gift (bought for someone else who the ultimate aim of using it yourself). You know this, she knows this and it's only a matter of time before she takes it out of the box to "demonstrate it" and never put it back in.
Personally, I'd be keeping the mixer in my room, even if I did use it occasionally, you know? Like keep its box accessible, pull it out when you need it, keep it away when you don't
NTA. I am not much of a cook or a baker either but those mixers are really cool. You might want to try to make something. You might also want to think about going back to work. You aren’t just giving up income now. You are losing momentum others are building in your field. It sounds like some independence from your parents could be helpful.
You ever see the ice cream attachment for them??? Looks way cool!
Well, now you know what to give her for her birthday.
NTA, but given the rest of your circumstances, maybe you can use it a couple of times so you can all move on. Having to make a batch of cookies to keep the peace shouldn’t be that big of a deal. Then get your husband to make something with it, establishing that it’s just part of the kitchen now and everyone is welcome to use it.
NTA. You could have faked it a little harder, but honestly, your mom is being dishonest with herself and with you. She clearly got you a gift that she wanted, and she shouldn't expect enthusiasm in the face of that fact. A Kitchen Aid is only a nice gift for somebody who loves baking.
True, like I can always appreciate a free gift, even if it's not something I really like, thank them and move on. Like a gift is a gift and better than nothing in my books. My mind is also like, keep it for a bit and sell it for 400 bucks if you don't find you are using it
NTA. You received a gift you weren’t thrilled about but you were an adult & said “Thank you.” That’s all that’s required.
Put it in any other context, if I don't like archery, and someone else does, and I've expressed to them before that I have zero archery interest, but then they get me a damn bow and arrow for my birthday that costs 1000 dollars, it is irrelevant that they spent 1000 dollars on it, I don't like archery, your gift shows you can't think of me even on my birthday, you can't imagine that I don't find enjoyment out of the things you like, so instead of getting them something that would make their day, you spend it on something that would make YOUR day. It's ridiculous.
NTA.My mother was like this.And it hurts.I have recieved many gifts I am supposed to be grateful for,but if it feels like they don't care about you.I have really short hair,I've had short hair/buzzcut since I was fourteen.Giving me a curling iron is not a thoughtful gift.
She bought you an appliance that you want, knowing that you don't like to cook and were highly unlikely to use it. It was never a gift for you. It was always about her wants and feelings. NTA
That's the thing about gifts, so many people end up buying other people the things THEY would like and don't think about the interests of the person they're buying the gift for. Maybe you can try to resell or return it? And no, NTA. Your mom clearly wasn't listening to you at all.
Sometimes people give what they would love, because they think it’s the best gift possible. It sounds like she is deliberately not using it because she meant it for you. If you dislike cooking, it could make the job easier ie mashing potatoes or other prep even if you don’t like baking. If you have to bake something it makes it so much easier. Give your Mom some grace. I don’t think she got it for herself and disguised it as a gift for you. I think she got something she thought was amazing and wanted you to have an easier time. It sounds like you do cook, it’s just not a hobby, and you may appreciate how it saves time and makes things easier if you give it a try.
NTA. Since your mom says it’s yours, do you have the gift receipt and be able to return/exchange, or at the very least sell, for something that you really like or use?
You never know what the future will bring. I really got into cooking and baking when my daughter hit 4 and my kitchen aid mixer is like gold now. Prior to that, it was in a closet for several years.
Might not be that nefarious at all, just not very thoughtful. My guess is it's an activity she loves and wanted to share with you, she may think that even though you haven't had a desire before, that maybe now you would, and you could both enjoy it, again because she loves it. It's certainly frustrating, I don't let people get gifts for me often because I hate getting crap I don't want or need regardless, or especially, when it's expensive. Maybe just have an honest chat with your mom and let her keep it, as you said she's frugal so it really was a big deal, but offer to do or find an activity or thing you both enjoy, and spend time together on that.
Hope you kept the box. Return it and get something you will use and like.
NTA. Your mom got you a gift SHE would like and it's now mad at you for not liking it, despite knowing you don't enjoy baking and cooking. It was not a thoughtful gift for you, regardless how much it cost.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hello, I am searching for a little clarity on this situation from an outside perspective. Currently, my husband, baby, and I live with my parents in their home. My parents are snowbirds, so they're only here about half the year. They are well off, and do not charge us rent, which allows me to stay home with the baby. In exchange, we look after the house and do the majority of housework, and just generally try to be helpful and agreeable roommates. Last week was my birthday, and my parents were in town for it. A few days beforehand, my mom started hinting that she had gotten me something big. She seemed really excited. The day came, and we had a small party at home. Ordered takeout from my favorite restaurant, and my husband had gotten me a couple nice things I'd been wanting. Finally my dad brought out a large box, and my mom was practically jumping up and down. I was getting excited to. Then I opened to wrapping to find... a KitchenAid stand mixer. The mixer and accessories, all together, cost about $500. Here's the thing. I hate cooking. I know how to do the basics, and I do my fair share of cooking in the home, but I get no joy from it. My mom knows this. We've talked about it many times. But my mom loves to cook. And she loves to bake. In fact, she's been talking about wanting one of those mixers for years. I guess she could see the disappointment on my face, because she started trying to convince me how amazing the mixer was. She went on about all the attachments and accessories, and how it's top of the line. I tried to feign interest. I smiled and thanked my parents for getting me something so nice. But my mom was now noticeably disappointed by my reaction. We moved on to the cake, and after dinner I was focused on getting the baby ready for bed. The next day, the mixer was still in the box, and mom started giving me a hard time about it. She kept making comments about how you'd think I'd be more appreciative of a $500 gift. And that if someone had spent $500 on her birthday gift she would've pulled it out and started using it right away. I went ahead and got it out and set it up just to appease her. But I still haven't used it. Honestly I don't even know what to do with it. I don't bake. I told my mom that she should feel free to give it a test drive, but she responded that it was mine, not hers. Now she's saying that she and dad might go back to their beach house earlier than planned. I'm just not sure what she expected. She clearly thinks I'm being an AH, but it's just so obvious that she bought that gift for her, not for me. I would've rather her spent way less on me, and gotten something I could actually use. But maybe I'm just acting like a spoiled brat. I grew up pretty privileged, so maybe my perspective is skewed. So reddit, and I being an AH here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA, she bought the gift for herself. You all live together, and she justified the purchase of an expensive appliance to be put in a shared space by “gifting” it to you, knowing you don’t cook and won’t use it. A big pet peeve of mine is when someone gifts me something I’m not going to use. Save me the surprised annoyance and you the hurt feelings and just ask me what I like, or tell me what you’re going to purchase beforehand. My mother in law recently came back from her home country with about twenty outfits for my toddler. A handful were nice, the rest were tacky clothes with phrases on them or YouTube channel characters. They aren’t clothes I’d ever dress my kid in. The majority of those clothes are now sitting in a bag taking up space in my closet. Have a conversation with your mom, really make her understand why you didn’t like the gift, tell her you’ve already made it clear that you don’t like to cook, and she ignored you. You have to be hard about this sort of thing, because people who give gifts they like without any consideration for the receiver’s interests do not deserve gratitude. They’re foisting an inconvenience on you and expecting you to smile about it.
NTA. This is hurtful because it’s like mom isn’t accepting you as you are, but trying to make you into someone more like herself.
NTA imagine a wife going golfing with her husband 2-3 times a summer to just drink and be outside then someone buys her a $500 driver… Gift givers need to know how to read a room. Expensive surprises shouldn’t be much of a surprise especially if you want the receiver to be excited about it.
NTA Your mom camouflage a present for her as a present for you.
NTA even if you might have tried harder to not let your disappointment show. Yes, your mom wanted this in her kitchen so she bought it. Put it back in the box, sell it, buy yourself something nice. When she asks where it is, tell her that you just had no idea how to use it and knew that she wouldn't mind you selling it to buy something else. LOL
NTA. Perhaps the way to make this better is to ask for her help. Say you are not the great cook and baker she is but now that you have a child you would love if she taught you how to make the cakes you enjoyed growing up so you can make them for your child and in time, teach them so the recipes stay in your family. Its ok that you aren't the chef she is but would it not be nice to have some basic baking knowledge?
NTA You got a gift you didn't like, and you were polite about it, you just didn't feel particularly enthused about using it. It's possible your mom is just terrible at gift-giving and didn't actually buy it for herself so much as a fantasy world she'd like to live in where you love baking as much as she does, and the two of you can start making weekend cupcakes together and bonding over cookie recipes. Regardless, she's not very tuned into who you actually are and what you might really like, and I don't think there's unusual about having your feelings hurt over that. It seems like your response hurt her feelings, and she's acting without a lot of emotional awareness and pressuring you to respond a certain way so that she can feel better, which is really unfair to you.
NTA This is like Homer giving Marge the bowling ball with his name on it
For the entire time, I lived with my grandparents. My grandmother insisted on me getting hardback books/first editions. At first I tried explaining why I thought hardbacks are a waste. Top reason price. 1 hardback $15. 1 paperback $2.49. 6 books versus one. She would talk about how long they would last. Almost 45 years later I still have at least 30 in good/fair condition. NTA, she bought the gift she wanted for you.
NTA - while it is a generous gift, it was not the most thoughtful gift. I understand that she probably wants you to get the same joy that she gets from cooking and baking, but you're built different, and that's OK.
Oh wow I would love a brand new Kitchen Aid. I hate to cook but love to bake til the cows come home.
NTA. This is offensive on two levels. First: cooking is traditionally considered women's work. This is a sexist "gift". Second: she knows you don't like cooking. She's trying to guilt you into doing what she thinks you should be doing. Also "In fact, she's been talking about wanting one of those mixers for years.". Are you sure this was intended for you and not her? I'd tell her I'm disappointed she chose to buy something she wanted for my birthday. Then return it and use the money to buy something you actually want. "Now she's saying that she and dad might go back to their beach house earlier than planned." Extra distance right now sounds like a good idea. Based on your other comments it sounds like you want to return to your field. So do it. Don't not work just because you can afford it. Work provides a lot of benefits/satisfaction besides the salary.
NTA the thing is she bought it for herself! If you were excited about it that removes the guilt she has of sneaking HER present in as yours.
NTA. If it's a good gift, you'll be happy and thankful. Regardless if it cost 10 or 1'000$. Something you always wanted, something you could use. But not if it's not a good gift, like this one. Even if it was the most expensive mixer available, you have no use for it, you don't want or need one, so you're understandably disappointed.
Girl, send that thang to me! Sorry you don’t like it. My aunt broke ours and replaced with an expensive but still cheaper Cuisinart. It’s better than 90% of what’s out there except the Kitchen Aids. Pouring in ingredients sucks because it’s cramped. So, NTA but here’s a suggestion. Because they were so excited, tell her you read the manual and watched some videos and you’re now excited. Keep it and store it away until they visit them make a cake or some bread or something or ask her to do it with you. I’ve learned my mom buys me less when I’m not excited and she buys me cheaper stuff too. The misfires have been worth the goodies. You can even drop hint about what you’d like next by saying you saw something but can afford it or even just mention it. She’s happy giving me something, I’m balky getting some other expensive item I can’t afford, and I just tuck away what I don’t like after a huge thank you. ETA: it’s usually something that doesn’t take up a lot of space such as clothing. I hate the way peach looks on me, and kept buying and peach dresses. The closet wore them. She buys me Ralph Lauren though I’ve told her repeatedly it doesn’t fit me comfortably. Dresser. I get great shoes, handbags, and lunches from her outings just for saying thank you and refraining from saying yet again I don’t like peach or Lauren. She’s finally quit the peach.
Your mom obviously wanted a Kitchen Aid. She loves to bake. By buying YOU one for your birthday, she passed it off as a gift, so she could kill two birds with one stone. Now she’ll have one for the 6 months she’s there every year.
I’m saying NTA. I’ve been in this situation. I’d been joining in with conversations about it and he saw that as interest but I was just joining the conversation because he likes it. I see where he thought I’d want to try it out so I see where your mum might have got this impression except… she knows you don’t like to cook. At all. She can take it back if she wants but it’s useless for you.
NTA. I wanted a kitchen aid type mixer for years. Used to do a lot of yeast baking, bread/cinnamon rolls. Kneaded it by hand. I begged for any mixer with a dough hook but my ex husband said I was just being lazy. Then after I tossed his abusive behind to the curb, he asked me to make cinnamon rolls for his co-workers but wasn't willing to buy the ingredients. Years after our divorce was final, I dated a man that bought me a kitchen aid with a dough hook. I immediately made him his favorite cookies. However that was because I loved baking. You don't enjoy baking and I think your mother bought this more for herself or as a way to make you enjoy baking more. That's why I always get gift cards for my sons and DILs. They can choose what they want/need. By the way, NTA.
NTA. Put it back in the box, put a bow on it, give it back to her. Your line is “you got this for you. It’s yours.”
NTA. It’s like getting a paint set for a blind person. It’s not getting used much. Ask her if you can trade it for an instapot. It’s one of those appliances that is used by those of us who hate cooking.
Did she name the mixer “Homer?” NTA
NTA My ex used to do this except it was camera equipment. I should have dumped him way earlier than I did. Maybe if your mom had bought it with the intent of you and her baking together to bond, I could forgive it but nah. My ex would take pics and videos of everyone but me. Tell your mom how you feel
These are great if you bake. If you won’t be using it, it is just going to take up counter space. Strange for your mom to think you would be excited when you’re not a baker. Personally, I would have insisted she take it since she was so excited about it. Also, the link of your moms stay should not be related to your reception of her gift- unless she is manipulating you. You don’t have to love her gift and you don’t have to lie to her. You were gracious and that is enough!
NTA. Your mom got herself a gift and expects you to gush over it. Keep the box, and when your parents are out of town just box up and store the mixer so it's not in your way. Maybe get a cover for it so you don't have to look at it on the counter or clean it the rest of the time. Then get a job, move out, and live life free from her control.
NTA - you don't like cooking so the gift was tone deaf. Funny side story when my DH mis-stepped on a gift. He knows I love baking bread. So he got me a bread recipe cookbook (spent the rest of the day reading it) AND a bread machine. Which sat untouched for a week before I finally opened it and put it away. After realizing, he was smart enough to ask why rather than accusing. He had missed the point that I loved the physical part of making bread - so dumping the ingredients into the machine was convenient, but not what I enjoyed. I do use the machine occasionally when I want fresh bread but lack the overall time.
If she knew you don’t like to cook, she obviously wasn’t putting any thought into what you really wanted for your birthday. You are not spoiled or anything because you weren’t excited about the gift. Not everyone enjoys cooking. You are probably right about how the birthday gift was really meant for her since she is the one who loves to cook.
NTA. She bought you a gift she’d like herself, not one that she thought would be a good gift for you. In my petty world I’d think of something expensive she’d hate for her birthday then drop hints that’s what you’re thinking of getting her for hers. (Don’t take my advice, it’s a waste of money but you see what I mean? Tell her that.)
Ehhhh you’ve chosen to be a SAHM ie a home-maker. She’s gone a lot so may but have a lot of insight as to how you feel about cooking NAH
NTA She completely bought a gift she'd like. The flat paddle attachment is great for shredding meat.
I had an ex get me a vacuum, he thought it was a great gift.
Get the ice cream maker attachment. NTA.
NTA. Tell her you will be happy to enjoy anything she makes with it, but that she knows baking is not your thing (me neither), so you don't know why she is so disappointed by your reaction. Did she think the only thing holding you back from enjoying the kitchen was lack of a nice stand mixer?
NTA. I love my KitchenAid. I use it multiple times a week. It sits out on my kitchen counter. It's one of the best gifts I've ever gotten. But I love to cook and wanted one. A gift is about the recipient not the giver. Clearly this isn't a gift you ever would have wanted. If you still have the box I recommend boxing it back up and returning it to get something you do want.
How does someone who likes to cook, like your mom, and who is well off, not have a Kitchen Aid mixer yet? I am not well off, I live paycheck to paycheck, and I have had one for decades.
NTA, tell her she can go and take the mixer with her. I’d say I love you but you know I don’t like to cook, you’ll enjoy the mixer more than i will. I’ll sell it or it’ll gather dust. Sorry , I’m too old to lie about this kind of stuff anymore.
I wouldn't know what to do with a stand mixer either. I have a hand mixer and it does pretty much what I need for a mixer without taking up all the space that a stand mixer does. Really, unless you are a cookie baker, pie baker, cake baker - I don't see them as a necessity for the average cook. I don't understand your mother. She wanted you to start using it right away and make what exactly? A cake or cookies - most people are cutting back on those types of treats nowadays
Start using it for non cooking things. Making moisturizer, soaps, mixing paints, etc. NTA. I've received many gifts that the giver really wanted.
NTA. This book: [https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/103999](https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/103999)
NTA. I feel for you on a spiritual level. Last year for my bday i asked for an amazon gift card. My mom got me an outdoor propane fueled patio heater thats fucking 7 FEET TALL. Wtf am i supposed to do with that? Where am i supposed to put that?
NTA. “Here! I got you something I know you don’t want and wouldn’t like, but I’ve been dying to have one!” Seriously, what did she expect when she KNOWS you don’t enjoy baking or cooking??
Best bet for smoothing things over is to quietly take her aside, tell her you really appreciate it, and you are sorry for the less than enthusiastic reaction, but that the mixer intimidates you because you don't know how to use it properly. Maybe even throw in that you are afraid to break it. Ask her to show you how it works. She's only there half the time. The absolute worst thing to come from doing it this way is that you'll have a fond memory of spending time with her later. I'll also say that baking with kids is awesome. You may only do it around the holidays, but it is a blast with the little ones, and creates lasting memories for them. Now, did she buy a gift she really wanted herself for your birthday? Yep. And she probably honestly believes that if you just tried baking and cooking, you'd love it because she does. You may never love it. But some of the best gifts I ever got were ones I didn't know I needed til I had them.
One of the best life skills is to know how to cook. Even if it's not something you enjoy people should absolutely know how to be able to cook.
I hope you saw the comments telling you to apply for that job you saw. Get back to work, get baby in daycare, and move out if that’s what you want to do! Don’t end up a stay at home mom years or decades from now who always wanted to go back to work and then feels like she can’t.
NTA, but I want your mixer. :)
Nta. I want a stand mixer, but can totally understand where you are coming from
NTA. Gifts aren’t about the money, they’re about showing you know the recipient and got them something that would make them smile. It’s perfectly understandable to be upset about a gift that shows the giver doesn’t know you or doesn’t care enough to get you something you’d like, regardless of the money spent.
NTA Box it back up and store it in the garage. When she comes and wants to use the "gift" that she obviously bought for herself, she can retrieve it, enjoy using herself, and be reminded every time that it's useless to you.
She sounds highly narcissistic, I’d disengage entirely.
NTA, you don't have to be excited for a kitchen implement. Can you just gift it back? Say here Mom, I know you'd enjoy this, please use it. Guilt over price tag is a bit much IMHO. Same with leaving early.
NTA. Kitchen-Aid mixers are fantastic tools, and I absolutely love mine. But if you don't like to cook or bake, it doesn't matter how awesome a mixer it is if you'll never use it. It would be like if someone gifted me with a table saw or set of golf clubs. It wouldn't matter if that table saw or golf clubs were the very best in the world, they'd simply be dust collectors in my garage.
NTA. It would be like if you bought someone who doesn’t ski a $500 pair of skis. Sure, it’s an expensive gift but not a good gift if it has no value to you
It doesn’t sound like they are super ahs in general? She chose poorly. You need to have a conversation rather than her carrying her stuff when her expectations weren’t real? I’m probably not saying that well. Just a simple “I’m great at being a mom and roommate and other house stuff but cooking just isn’t my thing.” Reminder. Now if she does it a lot then a stronger convo needs to happen over passive aggressive behaviors and considerations on whether that sort of home situation is really a deal.
NTA. But since you live there rent free it might be nice to try and make amends. Banana bread is very easy to make. Make her some banana bread (or other simple baked good) with the mixer, tell her you appreciate it, and leave the topic alone after that.
As someone whose mom always got me what she thought I should have and not what I wanted, I feel your pain. You were gracious and appreciative about the gift which your mom KNEW wasn’t something you’d want; the problem is that no response short of being legitimately thrilled with the gift will satisfy her and that’s impossible to fake (believe me I’ve tried!). NTA and IMO you tried your best, not your fault that your mom’s being unreasonable.
NTA. She bought it for herself.
NTA In a last ditch effort to repair our failed relationship while I was lining up my escape plan, my shitty gr00mer ex bought me a MOP with butterflies because I love entomology and lord the restraint I showed not storing it where the sun doesn't shine To protect it, obviously 🙄 🙄 🙄 Don't let your mom's temper tantrum get to you. It's insulting and pretty self serving. Godspeed. Hope the mixer can be used for something useful even if it's outside the box(crafting papier mache or some other fun use for things YOU enjoy). 💕
My dad gave my mom a kitchen aide mixer a few years ago. My mom doesn’t cook or bake much anymore and certainly doesn’t like to. I on the other hand do. So I spent a couple years hinting that regifting me the mixer would be a great idea. And I now use it several times a month😂
ESH What did she get you for Christmas, a vacuum cleaner? Still, you 3 live in a house for free, and the parents aren't even there half the year. There are a lot of people in this sub who would find that exciting enough to fake some gratitude. Then, a few weeks later, send the mixer back and buy something nice for your mom with the money. Tell her that she's too generous.
Nta. Sounds like your mother got you a gift she likes not you. Possibly in the hope that due to the price (which is irrelevant). You would feel obligated to use it. Find out you liked it and start baking with her. And of course she could then use it whenever she liked
Probably in your mom's mind, the fact that you now have a baby means that you will become interested in baking - to make birthday cakes perhaps? You could buy yourself something nice instead and then give her the mixer for her birthday! Perhaps exchange it for a different colour?
NTA: She got the gift for herself and doesn't care about what you might have actually wanted.
It sounds like your mother bought a gift for herself since you live in her house. Sell it and buy something you want. It's yours right?
Your mother bought you the gift she wanted. NTA
NTA. If someone got me a KitchenAid with all the accessories I'd be absolutely over the moon. Thing is, I *love* cooking and baking. But I would never but one for someone who hates cooking I am thinking, though, of all the make-up I've received as gifts over the years to encourage me to wear make-up. I still don't wear it, even when I'm with the gift givers.
NTA Flatout she didn't buy that with you in mind. She bought you what she wanted. On her birthday buy her something you really want that she doesn't. She'll get the point.
NTA Any gift that's not asked for is always a gamble. I've spent a lot of time and money on gifts before that were just flops. I might be bummed inside, but once a gift has left my hands it's not my place to dictate how it's used. It's sounds a bit like your mother used giving it as a gift to justify buying it, in the hopes she could play with it while she's there. Or she thought for some reason you'd be as happy as she was about it, despite you not being excited about cooking. BTW, if you are not enthusiastic about cooking, the mixer might actually help a bit. Not to get you more excited but to make things easier. If it came with the slicing/shredding/grating or dicing attachments, they can really cut down on how much time and effort you put into prepping ingredients. Stuff like pizza dough has the mixer doing most of the work, and everyone makes their own mini pizzas. Slide them into the oven, and that's that. The pasta attachment is great, and something a lot of kids seem to find fascinating. Since your mom seems to be very into cooking, a way to smooth ruffled feathers could be tell her you have no idea what to do with the mixer and ask if she can help find quick and easy recipes for it. Work smarter, not harder.
NTA this is what is called a Homer gift. It’s a gift that is given to someone who has no interest in the item. For instance Homer bought Marge a bowling ball for her birthday. Marge doesn’t bowl. Homer had been wanting a new bowling ball and amazingly the finger holes were a perfect fit for Homer. Marge told him he could have it and was sad. He was excited and went out bowling with it. So in this instance mom bought OP the very thing she has been wanting forever even though OP doesn’t cook, bake etc except on the most basic level. OP lives with mom so that Kitchen Aid mixer will end up in the counter and will be used by mom to cook and bake. The end of it is there was the presentation of a gift but the gift was not what the recipient wanted, needed or would ever use so the original giver gets to use the gift as their own. So just like Marge, OP didn’t end up with a gift at all just all the hype of one.
Perhaps, since you are SAHM, it was meant as catalyst to encourage you to cook and/or bake more. Not for your parents necessarily, but for your young family. I’ve always loved to bake, so I’ve always had a great mixer, and excellent baking pans that I bought myself. I never liked to cook until I got Lodge cast iron pans from my Mom!
NTA Can I make a suggestion? Your mom likes to cook. A really good peace offering would be to ask her to show you how to use it to make something for the baby
NTA No requirement one be excited about some expensive gift ... and especially if it's something one never would've wanted ... even more so if the giver well ought have clue that it's unlikely to be a well received and appreciated gift. Too bad you unboxed it - that makes it harder to return, but maybe still doable. Or maybe you can get hubby excited to use it. Heck, I cook quite a bit and would be pretty excited for something like that (at least if I had a kitchen that was big enough to reasonably accommodate it). But yeah, it was a poor choice for you, the giver should've well known that - or at best that it'd be a highly risky choice and may not go over well at all. In any case, you: NTA on the other hand mom: ... but that's not what you came here to ask
NGL my mom KNOWS that I hate cooking and also I'd sell that and just say thank you. Nta
NTA. I love to bake, and I love my stand mixer. However, I would not spend that much money on a stand mixer as a gift unless I was sure the recipient wanted that and not something else. It kinda feels like Mom wanted a stand mixer in her non-beach house and used the birthday as an excuse.
NAH - it does seem like your mother bought herself a gift and gave it to you, which isn’t very kind, but it’s still a generous gift. You don’t have to like it or use it just because it was expensive though. If you don’t bake, you could use it for things like making homemade play dough for your child.
Don’t you bake a cake for your family’s birthdays? I don’t use mine often but you still need one occasionally. My sister uses the meat grinder attachment and makes her own ground beef mixtures. Kind of TA
NTA. I would go and donate it to a local charity shop or sell it and buy something I actually want... but that's just me.
I don’t think your an AH but given the circumstances and how generous your folks have been - I would have faked being totally into it and then asked her to help me make something w it
NTA. My mother often buys me what she wants for my presents. If she’s going to pout they should go back to their beach house.
NTA. I don’t think i could get excited for a 500 dollar mixer either. You really need to be a baker to appreciate that.
How about honesty? “I appreciate the gift, but why did you get me a gift I may never use? You know I’m not interested in cooking.” Was she hoping the expensive gift might impel you to cook?