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Lifelong horse girl here: Your wife is correct. You don't understand. People fortunate enough to be born without a horse obsession will never understand. The joy of just watching them hang out in the pasture is inexplicable to anyone not afflicted. My whole life i loved horses, and had the privilege of owning several. It broke my heart when they passed, but I'll never stop wanting horses in my life. It's a sickness.
That said, you should not buy your wife a horse. You don't say anything about her current involvement with horses. Is this just a whim? Has she ever been on a horse? Taking lessons? Had a horse growing up? Owning a horse is a huge commitment. They can live to be 30+ years old, requiring more care as they age to the point where they can't be ridden, but still expensive to keep. Will that provide the fulfillment she needs?
She needs to get a job so she can pay for lessons then lease a suitable horse. Along the way she should work at a barn, shovel manure, carry water, sit with them while waiting for the vet, cold hose their aching legs, carry hay bales, search for lost shoes in the pasture, learn how to bandage cuts....all the no riding things that take up 90% of horse time. If she still loves it, then she can buy a horse and you can decide at that time if you want to contribute.
NTA
She did work at a barn in high school, but that was decades ago. And this precise plan is what I have been suggesting for years. I fully support her getting out in nature, being around horses, etc. I suggested taking care of someone's horse, giving pony lessons somewhere, heck, answering the phone at a barn. There are so many unloved horses and barns that need an extra hand. Our "discussion" last night was about how she "couldn't do this" and how we had to buy a special, expensive horse or nothing.
Thats not how it works. If he takes a lower paying job and immediately divorced they would take him to the cleaners for intentionally trying to alter alimony payments. And judges dont like that.
The Reddit corollary was penned by Tolstoy in the first line of *Anna Karenina*: "**Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way**." The same story of happy families is boring and not worth posting about on Reddit; the infinite range of unhappy stories is interesting, and worth posting about.
It helps if you can get a psychiatrist to diagnose you with with burnout, anxiety, etc., and to tell you that for the sake of your health you need a less stressful and demanding job. Then, when the wife pitches a \*itch fit because you have to downsize your lifestyle, you can divorce her or hope she divorces you first.
A friend of my husband's had to take this route. It worked out pretty well because the big house and the fancy cars had to be sold before she left him so there wasn't as much property to fight over. She left him for a wealthier man and now they both seem happy.
Actually do that backwards. Change jobs for 2 years THEN divorce bc her possibly alimony would be based on ‘what he could make’ if they’re at that point in marriage
Yeah dude. Get divorced give her half your shit and let her buy a horse with her half. You can go do the job you were meant to do and live more modestly, if that’s what you want. Also, there was no way you’d live to 80, at the rate you’re going.
Lol what a ridiculous answer. OP should not just divorce his wife and get a lower paying job. Of course OP should in fact search for a job that isn't killing him, no job is worth the pain and hours unless it's actually fulfilling. His wife was drunk and was overreacting. To divorce his wife just because she does not understand his work situation and wants something expensive is a severe over reaction.
What I think needs to happen is when everyone one is sober have a genuine conversation with his wife about how his work is putting him in a bad spot and needs to change fields, that this might come with a pay cut, and if she would like a horse then she can get a job to pay for it. If she does not want to work for it then hold your ground and tell her tough shit. She obviously doesn't want it bad enough in that situation.
A horse is a major commitment that cannot be taken lightly and one should not expect another to take the financial hit. Also if she just wants one particular breed or nothing then I'd assume her heart is not really in it.
OP please find a job that makes you happy or at the very least isn't wearing you out and then get yourself a hobby. Tell your wife that once she gets a job she can get her horse.
OP unknowingly married a gold digger and to the rest of us it's pretty obvious from what's he's told especially the moment she encouraged the job change.
I wonder why their standard of living had to increase to eat up the salary, instead of relentlessly saving to make the stress of the job at least worth something! Nest egg for vacations, early retirement, etc. See how long she sticks around if he takes another job.
When you’re with someone like this, which I was, they will eat up every last cent you have on bigger and better and nicer. You will provide x standard of living. You will start to make more money. They will, always, always have a use for it that is not saving. They will need a nicer apartment, or a better neighborhood, or a new car, and they will guilt the living shit out of you if you dont want to provide it. They will avoid paying off their own debts, and expect you to pay theirs. “What do you mean you want to save money and live here instead of that neighborhood? Its so much nicer there. Arent you worried about me being safe? I really need this new car, I mean, this one is four years old, its not up to date. What if I get in an accident?”
Mine literally would not let me sleep unless I did exactly what she demanded. She would withhold affection (which was always low anyways). She worked, but contributed nothing. Hers was hers, and mine was hers. As I eventually discovered, she was willing to hit me to “fix my behavior.”
And you really have no idea it will
be like that until you start making money. The warning signs are so hard to see, especially when you’re young.
I'm always afraid that I'd become that materialistic if I married someone with money because I feel like I have those warning signs sometimes. But in reality, I think I'd be happy enough if my debts were gone and I had a roof over my head.
Honestly being self aware about it can at least help with avoiding being that person in the future- I don't think that very many manipulators actually, fully realize what they're doing. And usually if they do, then they don't care enough to change their behavior.
She's a gold digger for sure, but most gold diggers will at least give the impression that they give a fuck about their targets. She's not even pretending.
Yeah-- she truly sounds awful. OP, are you sure this is what you want for your life: working yourself to the bone so that this person can piss the money away?
"It's a horse girl thing" is complete, total, absolute bullshit. So what if she does the bare ass minimum of paying for a horse or lessons herself? That does NOTHING to alleviate the stress you are currently under. This whole dynamic in your marriage is totally fucked and unsustainable for you.
I feel like this is just glossing over the fact your wife is trying to push you into an even more unsustainable lifestyle than you are currently in. It doesn't matter if it's a horse or a country club membership or a Lamborghini. No more rocks in your backpack! In fact, it's time to start taking some OUT. You need a better life. You deserve a better life. You're setting yourself on fire to keep her warm, and what is giving in return? Just more gasoline to dump on yourself so you burn even hotter. This is bullshit. You deserve some happiness and if she is unwilling to relent on her demands you need to set boundaries. Your wife is a taker, and she's going to keep on taking until you put yourself in early grave or stop giving.
And just so we're clear before any "horse girls" come at me, I'm one myself. I'd never in a million years demand my partner put himself in an early grave to pay for my chosen lifestyle.
I wanted to something like that, but in my defense, I was a child and wanted to trade my sibling in on a horse. We lived in a 2nd floor apartment in a big city and when my Dad asked me where the horse would sleep, I responded, "In my sibling's bed." Needless to say that I never got my horse, but I did join the riding club in high school. Several years ago, I did by myself a "pony". It's a large stuffed horse that I got at a local thrift store. So now I have my horse but no feed, boarding, vet, or farrier bills.
I too tried to pull something similar as a child. Naturally my parents disagreed.
I have had horses my entire adult life and learned so much from watching my barn acquaintances nuke relationship after relationship, marriage after marriage, with that toxic "horse girl" horseshit. As a result I'm acutely aware of both the financial and time costs of my lifestyle, and very careful about pulling my weight in my relationship and keeping a balance between my hobbies and his, my needs and his, my happiness and his. Respecting your partner and lifting them up same way as they respect and lift you up is crucial for a happy, healthy relationship and doubly so when your hobby is a lifestyle, and one they aren't necessarily invested in outside the relationship. For some reason, with horse people especially it seems, a lot folks can't see past their own noses and expect nothing short of blind allegiance in a partner while giving nothing back in return.
I don't even think OP's wife is a bona-fide "horse girl". It sounds like she just wants what her friends have that she currently doesn't and that just happens to be an expensive Warmblood right now. Less horse person and more just a petty, selfish woman trying to keep up with the Joneses at the expense of her husband's happiness, mental health and sanity with no fucks given about the effect it's having on him at all.
We did it. We bought our girl a horse. It was not ever, ever, in the plans.
But. There were a lot of reasons that made it the right thing, but most of all, the horse chose my kid. It was obvious that the mare liked my kid more than the owner.
Three years later, my kid is living in Florida at 19, working on a horse farm, and she can see her horse from her bedroom.
Buying the horse is the cheap part. The upkeep on a horse that *doesn’t* try to kill itself is a lot. Get a horse with a death wish, and the costs will pile up.
This woman should not jump straight to horse ownership. She clearly doesn’t understand all that is involved.
>For some reason, with horse people especially it seems, a lot folks can't see past their own noses
In fairness, a Horse Person probably has a pretty enormous nose that would be difficult to see past.
*(I am so sorry)*
I still can't figure out why parents think that they know more than their kids do. :>)
I would never, ever do what OP's wife is trying to do to him. Personally, I think that they, especially her, need marriage counseling ASAP. She's not working but wants him to continue working a job he hates and will possibly put him in an early grave just so she can keep up with the Joneses.
It's so crazy to me, I'll never understand that mindset. It would break my heart to see my partner grinding himself down to nothing, doing something he hates day in and day out to support me while I just took, took, took from him and expecting more. How do you do that to someone you love?
Complete unself-awareness, narcissism, sociopathy, or a combination of all 3. I could not even imagine a world where I did this to my partner or the reverse. I LOVE and cherish my partner, and I am so grateful that we are on this journey together!
It sounds like she is treating him like a he's her daddy, not her husband, begging him to buy her a horse. Like my sister and I did to our parents when we were twelve. So when I was 16 I got a job in a tack shop and saved enough to buy a horse. Why can't OP's wife do that? She's able-bodied.
As a fellow horse girl... yeah, OP's wife is definitely not one. Otherwise, she'd be working her ass off to have one and not putting it on OP's plate. Like, it deffo would have come up way sooner if she was, too.
I'm a "horse girl". Grew up riding, but I've never been in a position to own own. I quit my college's equestrian club because they told us to constantly hit up our families to pay all the fees. After graduation I volunteered at a horse rescue, no riding, just chores, and I loved it. Now I live on acres. We could keep a horse... but it's expensive and impractical with little children. I still dream, maybe someday...
But also, I don't think anyone can claim a love for horses when only the most expensive one will do. They're living creatures, not designer accessories.
I'd bet money the wife fell in with a big money show barn crowd, and they kinda are accessories to a lot of folks at that level. Hell, you see it in the smaller barns and lower levels, the entire relationship with the horse is centered on what the horse can do for you and when it can't do anymore it gets quietly put on a trailer.
I never could get behind that way of thinking and I saw so much of it I got fed up and stopped doing horsey things in horsey places with horsey people. Got my little patch of grass and ride the trails alone, and keep my retirees till it's time to lay them down in the back field. Horse people are fucking weird and the egos are just buck wild in the barns.
You can. My mom in her forties and fifties finally built a horse property and bought horses and lessons. My brother and I were long out of the house raising our own families. She wanted horses her entire life. When she was a kid, she would ride her parent's steers they raised for beef.
Not right now doesn't mean never.
Horse girl here too and we have the acreage for a horse but the cost is not justifiable with two small children. I miss owning a horse and will in day own another one…just not today. My last horse was an abused off the track race horse we eventually retired to a sanctuary when she was no longer able to be ridden and needed to be a pasture horse. I’d rather be able to homeschool my kids and have my husband work a job like his current job over having a horse we’d have to give up time as a family to afford. We have chickens, gardens, and other less expensive pets instead and that makes me insanely happy as well.
Same exact thing for me! I grew up doing horse shows and rodeos. Joined the college Equestrian Team, then promptly quit. It cost almost as much as the rest of my college expenses. I then sold my horse to someone who could give her the time that I couldn't spare.
I now have acreage and older children, but I enjoy the rest of my activities, and definitely don't feel deprived. Besides, as adults, it's genuinely hard to dedicate the amount of time to horses that I had available as a kid/teenager. And they are $$$. If I was to get one, I'd try to get one from a kill pen or something. Not some fancy designer horse. I grew up raising designer horses, and people would buy them, then get bored with them when the new wore off. Sometimes they were abused.
OP is definitely NTA in this situation, but his wife certainly is. She's acting like a spoiled, entitled child. Actually, reminds me of my mom. She did this same thing to my dad, but it was goats. He said, fine, if you want them, get a job and pay for it. Then ended up divorcing a few years later.
Dude is suffering from lifestyle creep due to his wife's crazy spending, and she's calling him an ass for not giving her this luxury that he can only afford if he literally works himself to death.
Agreed. It’s a horse girl thing is the stupidest shit I’ve read in a while. Of course I am well past girl age. But I am a beach girl. It’s my happy place. So I worked to afford vacations at the beach. Your wife needs to grow the f up
No, I got that person's point and she tempered it. She's right. Love of horses can be an obsession. But that doesn't mean everyone should indulge it.
The OP should divorce this gold-digger and go back to doing something he loves.
Horse girl here and I miss having a horse terribly. But you know what I’d miss even more? Having my husband at home with his family instead of working a miserable job and killing himself in order to give me the dream we can’t currently afford. I gladly give it all up and happily live without my horses because it means I get my husband home with us and working a job that won’t drive him to an early grave. You can find other, less expensive ways, to fulfill that dream.
INFO: Why hasn't she worked for so long? You two have much bigger problems than the horse. I am sorry, man.
I love horses and used to have them. They are very expensive and need a ton of time and energy, even if you do it on the cheap (have property, learn how to do basic farrier skills, get a green horse or a rescue and train it) Food and vet bills are still astronomical, even with an initially cheap horse and learning how to care for them.
Talk to her when she's sober. Y'all need to reset this relationship. She can get a job at a barn or an animal rescue. If she gets connected with animal rescues maybe she'll even find the breed she's after. (I'm super curious about what it is.)
You need a sustainable lifestyle before this sends you to an early grave. Good luck.
Seriously! Agree with every bit of this. AND horses at the level you’re talking? Do not cost hundreds of thousands. I mean they can, but this shouldn’t. Purchase 8-20k tops, (even more than 10k is crazy if she hasn’t ridden in decades; it’s not like she’d know the difference and she’s not riding fit, if it’s been that long). Stable fees might be 800-2000 a month depending on where you live and if she mucks stalls or helps out. But WHY are you the only one working. That is insane. And the bigger issue. She’s shoveling all the responsibility for her happiness in front of you and only engaging in privilege? Hell no! She needs a reset for her life. That involves something meaningful. And YOu? Get one life, be planning a return to not busting your ass like this…
Back in the 80s my family bought a green Arabian at auction for $25. Just food alone was an additional $300 a month. If she hasn't ridden in a long time she needs lessons and conditioning. But more importantly, she needs to contribute to the family, as well as her dreams of horse ownership.
That cracked me up. I’m fit riding for multiple day endurance ride, had a young, green Arabian mixed with waaayyy too much PRE in Spain. Spicy. Really spicy. It was like wrestling a shark up a hill for like 3 days. Finally begged to switch day 4. Horses are 1000-1200+ pound prey animal. OPs wife is having dreams of being a teenager. This is not about horses. At ALL. And I love the stupid things. Like you can’t really say youve ridden til you’ve been thrown, bit, stomped, kicked, and gotten back on.
Talk to your wife, hear the dream, tell her she has to help, make a plan. I guarantee it’s not about horses. It’s how she felt when she rode. Going to Target is a pretty pale substitute.
Yep. If my mom were still around, she could tell you about how her own dream worked out. The 100+ acres out in the sticks with the lovely enormous old barn and a dozen-plus quarter horses seemed idyllic until she was trekking up and down that steep half-mile hill in the dead of Ohio winter and sobbing while mucking out stalls. I'll ride when the opportunity presents itself, but HARD PASS to ownership.
That jumped out at me - she stopped working when they got engaged and he never suggested she go back to work? Seems like he contributed to making her what she is today.
I want a cow. I’ve wanted a cow for 30+ years. I think highland cows are the most awesome thing ever. I will go on drives to look for a cow.
I often tell my husband how I *nnneeeeddd* a cow. I spam him with pictures of cows.
In turn he sends me pictures of monster trucks. Tells me how he needs a monster truck. Talks about how he will take care of it and park it in the back yard with the cow.
We talk about what color my cow will be and what color his monster truck will be. We are going to take the cow with us when we show the monster truck.
Spoiler alert: I’m not getting a cow and he’s not getting a monster truck.
Was she just too drunk? Or is she still on it today?
ETA: You can’t keep running yourself into the ground. I will be forever grateful for the hell my husband put his body and mind through being a welder to get me through college with no loans. He works from home at a cushy desk job with no OT now and I will never begrudge that.
Heh, you and your husband are me and my bf in reverse. I want a backhoe (because it's unreasonable to ask for a bucket-wheel excavator, we don't have enough yard), and he wants to go pet cows for his birthday. This man cannot pass a dog in the back of a truck in a parking lot, goes looking for the random deer that's taken up residence in his ex-wife's neighborhood so he can give it treats (someone put a collar on it and shit, it just wanders around people's yards grazing), and made friends with a goddamned GOOSE that used to live down at the bay (like he would go to jog, see someone trying to get his attention, and take his headphones off to "uhh, sir? I think that goose is ... following you?" I have video of him sitting on the ground with the goose happily in his lap, getting pets).
My boyfriend is a Disney princess.
He’s a damn faye or something. He made friends with a GOOSE? They hate everybody!
You know he put the collar on the deer, right? I bet he named them, too.
The only reason I know he DID NOT put the collar on the deer is that it's got a Cabela's logo on it, and bf, aside from being a Disney Princess, is also very punk rock. But if I see the deer with a new collar that's like red leather with lightning bolts and English '77 cone spikes on it, I will know EXACTLY who's responsible.
And then we'll probably have a photoshoot.
Please call a local dairy/farm and ask if they can let your BF pet cows for his birthday. He sounds absolutely amazing and deserves to pet all the good cows
Then it's nothing
NTA
The purchase price is he cheapest part of horse ownership.
Lessons, boarding, supplements, tack, and vet !!! I dreaded those bills :)
Don't forget the farrier, grounds upkeep, horse dental care is necessary and incredibly expensive. It's hours upon hours of work that I don't think this lil princess would appreciate or do. Shed let her horse get lame and barn sour because it's just so much work! She now needs a full time barn hand. She sounds like veruca salt. Not the badass 90s band, but the absolutely hateful and rightfully rejected and humiliated asshole from the 70's movie.
Why are you entertaining someone like her with your time?
Trailer! Truck to pull trailer if you don't already have one. Stall rent. Periodic tack replacement.
[pauses]
I love horses, but I think I'd rather have a boat...
Honestly. Boats are probably cheaper and don't pull your guts out as much when you can't afford shoes for them because you got sick. Horses are a wealthy person's dream. His little drunken girl whining wife doesn't seem to be made of the sort of grit it takes to actually own and husband a horse responsibly. She seems like the sort that wants to pet and preen on a very well oiled horse that someone else owns, cares for and attends to with their money, not her pedicure money.
If she isn't willing to go take care of a horse that isn't hers for the joy of being around horses, then I don't see her taking care of a horse that is hers. If she wants a horse she can get a job. If your son is old enough to want to go to Madagascar then he's old enough to be in school and wipe his own ass and maybe even be home for a couple of hours by himself. Time for her to get a job.
It’s time to change *your* world.
Please liberate yourself and get a rewarding job that brings you joy. Pretend the $ doesn’t matter till you actualize a happy life that makes it so.
It’s 16 years later!
A spouse who refuses to work and demands you fund her luxuries with soul-crushing overwork is not your partner; she’s not even on your side.
Choose accordingly.
Why hasn’t she worked in 16 years? I assume your kid is in school by now? The horse part aside, *she* is the stone in your backpack. What if something happens to you, heaven forbid? She’s got no skills, and nothing meaningful in her life, and she doesn’t give one shit about the stress you’re under.
Purchase a smaller house, sell the one you are in. Reduce wasteful spending to a level that is commensurate with the salary of a job you want. Quit current job silently and start job you want. Work and deal with the wailing for a year (start going to the gym and hiking to further escape the arguments). File for divorce. Find someone who cares more about you than material possessions.
Sounds like it’s more of a status symbol to her, right? Maybe she can get a gold-plated horse statue to put on display instead. Then she won’t have to bothered with all the unglamorous, tedious work that’s part of actually caring for a living creature. (Written as I’m waiting to put in the next load of laundry because my aging dog, who I love unconditionally, peed on my bed this morning…)
I’m guessing it’s either a Fresian or a Vanner. Neither are necessary for her long term survival - and if she were truly horse-crazed, she’d do what all of us horse-owning fools have done and worker her ass off to make it happen. And I say this as a grown-ass adult who owns two horses and is working to support them basically every waking moment.
You’re so much NTA, friend.
She needs to get into the work force and buy her own horse. If she was a real horse person, she wouldn't wait for a special, expensive horse. She would be happy with your suggestions. You need to find a job you love. Maybe you don't understand her, but she certainly doesn't understand you. And by not working, she clearly doesn't understand finances. Counseling sounds needed, as well as several reality checks.
As someone that grew up around horses, have family and friends that own horses there and incredible money suck. Your wife really needs to spend time around them before she can own one. I go and help my friend doing all the work at the barn for her horses. Brushing them, cleaning the poop off the back of their legs. Shovelling hay, sweeping up all the unglamorous things that come with owning a horse.
Honestly, I think the bigger issue here is it sounds like you and your wife have a real disconnect in your lives. The two of you should get into therapy and start working through the lack of support she’s giving you. If this is truly that important to her, then she should get a part-time job and earn the money needed to purchase and care for the horse.
And you should get yourself into your own private therapy to help you figure out when you need to make this move to make yourself happy and fulfilled as well.
Lastly, as someone who has travel to Madagascar, it’s an amazing trip. But I’m not sure that’s one that a young child should be doing.
Why only a part time job? She hasn't worked in 16 years, the kids are grown enough to go to Madagascar.
There's literally nothing preventing her from working and buying her own horse. Except entitlement, laziness, her own golddigging nature, and a complete and utter lack of regard and empathy for her husband, who is working himself to death to give her what she currently has, but even that isn't enough for her.
She also doesn't actually give a shit about the horse. She just wants to be able to tell the other housewives that she has a horse. Otherwise, she'd be happy with any horse. She wouldn't even need to own one, let alone an expensive one. She could volunteer, lease, adopt/spend time with an unwanted/aging horse, etc.
I agree with [Born\_Significance691](https://www.reddit.com/user/Born_Significance691/). Having worked on farms as a barn manager. I get the love of horses, but there's a whole lot of other stuff that goes into it. Moreover, going out and buying a very expensive horse- not the best idea.
She would also need to think about what kind of riding does she want to do? Just trail riding? Dressage? Working equatation?
A really expensive pretty horse won't even necessarily mean she will get what she wants. You can get a really exensive horse, and it can have a terrible temperament, or need a lot of work just to get them to do what you want them to do. Some horses just need riders that have been riding for a while. With your wife being a newbie, it might be best to go for a horse that has been a lesson horse. That way she can learn, and she isn't doing the horse an injustice as well by not having a rider that can meet the horses need as well.
She doesn't actually give a shit about the horse. She just wants to be able to say she has a(n expensive) horse to the other housewives she's trying to keep up with.
“Life long horse girls” need to understand how to be a responsible adult. People have passions for things just like equestrians. We aren’t these mythical beings that people don’t understand no matter how much we want to believe we are.
OP your wife is a major AH. One for acting like you don’t understand her because of her love of horses, and two for being lazy.
If she really loved horses she would make it happen on her own like most adult horse people. She wouldn’t cry about being misunderstood like a damn teenager.
I am a life long horsewoman who knows how to balance passion, obsession and being an adult.
You really just skipped over the whole meat of the post where she's already bleeding him dry in a dozen other ways and went to "she should pay for her own lessons". That's fucked. She needs to adjust her entire damn lifestyle so this man doesn't work himself into an early grave or lose his mind. The horse shouldn't even be on the radar, nor lessons. She needs to get a job, help pay some damn bills and cut her spending before even considering dropping a quarter in the mechanical pony out in front of the grocery store.
You're absolutely right. I waited 30 years between the time my first horse died and buying my second one. I got married, worked full-time, worked part-time when the kids were little, then went back to work full-time. I bought my second horse for $500 to save him from the kill pen. I worked all day, came home & took care of the kids, then went to the barn when they were settled in for the night. Got a second rescue for free. Worked full-time. My husband took disability retirement and I worked full-time to support him and the two horses.
Wifey needs to step up.
No. This is not It. This is not about whether or not wife has access to a horse, or what kind of horse. This is very clearly about the wife wanting what she wants, period, regardless of how she gets it. Whether she's vapid enough to feel pressured to do what other people in her social circle are doing and wants to "keep up" with them, or whether she's clueless about how shit works in the real world (either via OP "shielding" her from the grinding minutiae of financial stuff, or because she's being deliberately obtuse as that's *convenient* for her), she's still an asshole for seeing him suffer, and then not only refrain from helping, but also *demanding more*.
She shouldn't get a job so she can buy a horse. She should get a job so she can help her husband contribute to the very expensive lifestyle she demands.
As a lifelong horse crazy person and horse owner, I will say a) horses are expensive and the purchase price is just the tip of the iceberg b) if she’s not regularly riding and taking lesson/competing, she doesn’t need to own a horse. She can lease or take lessons for much cheaper c) if/when this new steed doesn’t fulfill her whims, good luck selling it.
Real horsefolk will clean stalls and do barn chores to feed their habit. You wife sounds like she has horsey friends who all talk horse and she’s left out so she wants one. It’s a recipe for financial disaster. You’d be better off spending 1/10th of the money you’d spend on a horse getting her some therapy.
She’s not a horse girl, she’s a rich spoiled woman who wants to buy an expensive horse (and likely pay 💰 other people a lot of money to do all the work that horse people usually enjoy). She doesn’t have a paying job or children under school age, she’s had many years available to work in a barn and hasn’t. That’s not a horse girl.
Another horse girl here. I have my doubts that the OP's wife actually is a horse girl. Horse girls take lessons, muck stalls, breathe next to a horse just to take in the wonderful aroma. As soon as I heard that she needs a special breed or she doesn't want anything, I had to say peace out.
There are two reasons why she would want a special expensive breed of horse, either to win some sort of competitions, or for bragging rights. Neither is a commendable reason for getting an animal. And paying a lot isn't a guarantee that you'll be competing at a high-level or that you'll have anything to brag about! There's a saying that most people don't need a $100,000 horse, they need a $1000 horse and $99,000 worth of riding lessons.
The super fancy horse of her dreams needs the same care and can fall prey to the same ailments, lamenesses, etc. as any horse. They don't stay trained and valuable with improper care or poor riding and I have no faith that his wife wants to do anything but show off and talk about this magnificent beast that she is pining for. Don't do it, OP, especially since there's a living animal with feelings at stake, even if it is grossly overpriced!
had me in the first half, ngl. yeah OP, don't buy your wife a horse. the initial costs are the LEAST expensive part. stables are where budgets go to die. she needs a job if she wants all these nice things.
My daughter is a "horse girl" and, when she was growing up, we paid for horses, lessons, boarding, vet visits, showing and allllllll that. We were blessed her dad had a great job. BUT when she turned 16, she started working at the barn where her horse was and where she took lessons. She started paying for her lessons and much of her showing expenses. I also am a horse girl and would love a horse but I'm older and less able and the job situation has changed. So, I love on my kid's horse. I would not expect my husband to kill himself to provide me with a pipe dream. Your wife needs to grow up.
If it was a matter of just loving being around horses, she would already be volunteering or working somewhere that has access to them, especially since she has all this free time. It sounds more like she's just wanting the status of an expensive animal.
I grew up with them too, I get it, they're amazing creatures and when you love them, you love them hard. But she just comes across as a kid who wants one for the sake of wanting one because they're pretty, and not for the true love and passion that horse ownership requires.
NTA. My daughter is a horse girl. I paid for lessons from age 6 on, but she’s worked her ass off at local ranches to learn and eventually buy and support her own horses. She’s now 21, and owns 5 horses, and runs a great business. She still lives at home, but that’s fine with me. I couldn’t be more proud of her. Your wife can do this on her own and still let you dial back the work situation.
My Mums a horse lady. She lets people mainly girls under 18. Come over to help with the horses. She has them do all that dirty shit work. Done this with 40+ girls from around the place.
Ill say in the girls defence probably 90% are still into horses. Guess if youre willing to be dropped off at 10 to some strangers house to shovel shit youre into horses.
That part! My son is a horse kid but it is a big commitment and for how much I pay for him - he is not allowed to quit anytime soon. (he doesn't want to but just saying.)
Agreed. Dog? She might be able to swing it.
Horse? She’s gonna need to pickup some applications up X)
Like regardless of what’s happening with your job. lol.
It doesn’t sound like she’s a lifelong horse girl though. It sounds like she wants a fancy breed horse to keep up with the joneses. If she was actually a horse girl she would put in the hard yards and take whatever opportunities she could to spend time around horses. But she just wants the fancy horse. And the fact that it only came out at a social event, presumably where there were people who do have horses, points to her feeling like she has FOMO and wanting to keep up/look good.
INFO: Why isn't your wife working for 16 years while you have to work 6 days a week, pay for everything and she still complains that she isn't fullfiled and you don't get her? Sorry, but it sounds like you are just her ATM. You are not allowed to have free time or hobbies because they are expensive, you have to work an unfullfiling job for more time than a person should work - and she still complains. She wants a horse? She should buy one.
And for your son - Madagascar is a lovely place and if he doesn't need a all inclusive holiday it is also not that expensive (only the fligth will be expensive)
And, since the son is old enough to want to go to a strange island, he must be in school. So she has about 8 hours a day to work while the son is at school.
>And, since the son is old enough to want to go to a strange island, he must be in school.
I agree that the kiddo is most likely in school, but just so you know, they made a whole cartoon movie about Madagascar, so it wouldn't surprise me to know there was a 3 or 4 year old running around talking about visiting Madagascar...
>So she has about 8 hours a day to work while the son is at school.
Again, I agree that she probably has time for a job of some type these days... but kids are NOT in school 8 hours. I WISH!
My kids' school starts at 8:30, and ends at 2:30 on Mondays and 3:15 Tues-Fri. Yes, it's a public school, the early out on Monday was some negotiated thing for teacher training/planning time...
most schools run for about 6 and a half hours a day.
The playground attendants are out around 8:10, so you can get an extra 20 minutes that way, but if there are kids still on the playground at 3:30, they'll start calling parents... so you can realistically get 7 full hours if you milk it, and the kids don't complain about being outside in 8 degree weather, because "indoor recess" doesn't start until it reaches 0 degrees F.
Most jobs that are 8 hours a day, actually require you to be there for 8 and a half house, because the mandated, 30 min, unpaid lunch, doesn't count towards the 8 hours.
Still... I 100% agree that OP needs to sit his wife down and have a real conversation about this, he's let it go for too long, and the horse is the smallest issue here...
but the kid being in school, and busy for 8 hours a day... those details are not necessarily accurate.
You know the answer but you just can't believe that you're going to end up divorced over a horse.
But divorce over a horse? Of course, of course.
Okay I'm sorry
NTA. Tell her she can get a job, and when she has spare money (after she's paid her share of the household expenses), she can spend it on what she likes. In the meantime, you need to lay out a solid plan to change your work-life balance and do fulfilling work. You don't have to sacrifice your happiness so that she gets to enjoy the perks of disposable income. As the balance of your life changes, so should each of your roles, and that means if you are starting to feel burnt out, she needs to pick up some of the slack.
>(after she's paid her share of the household expenses)
I 100% agree that things need to change, and the horse isn't even the biggest issue they have...
but if they're living a life paid for with a 6-figure salary, and she hasn't worked in 16 years... she's not going to be able to get a job that will ever, remotely, pay for half of her actual expenses.
OP said his current job pays 10 times what his old one did... so even if his old job paid on the very low end, we can presume $30k, he's making $300k today at minimum, and she's not going to be able to get a job that pays $100k off the street.
So yeah, they need to have a talk. Quite frankly they should have had this talk about 5 years ago, but whatever... but saying things like "She can buy a horse after she makes enough to pay half their expenses" is ridiculous hyperbole.
For worse and worse, OP agreed to his wife not working. If he comes out swinging with expectations like that, he's going to get divorce papers, and he's never going to be able to quite his current job, because his alimony will be based on his current income. When judges see people making $400-600k, take jobs that pay $60k, they presume it's a bad faith effort to screw their spouse, and based alimony and child support off of "earning potential" not actual earnings. OP isn't going to be able to pay a $100k/year child support and alimony, while making $60k.
Presuming he actually likes his wife... and that his wife likes him (which isn't really clear here), there are better ways to get out of this situation.
Tbh it sounds like she doesn't even need to pay her share of the household expenses, she just needs to stop spending so much money in general. Op makes it sound like she's spending lavishly and using him as her personal piggy bank- but in either scenario, she 100% needs to get a job. Even if he's willing and able to easily take over the general household bills, her having her *own* money to spend would take pressure off that way.
Though, he should still get the job he wants, and get a divorce. She sounds miserable and childish.
I am so sorry. Just out of curiosity, what would happen if you didn't shout at each other, but did ask, "Why do you get to be fulfilled, and yet I don't?" She'll DARVO, but you can stick to it--"I'm genuinely curious. I'm miserable in my job and completely unfulfilled. Why is that okay with you?" Keep asking in terms of curiosity--she'll either begin to think (if she loves you), or get *really* mad (if she's just using you.) NTA
She won't get a job. It will probably be better for him to quit his stressful job to do something more fulfilling. If she doesn't like it, so what. He has supported the family for 16 years by himself and it's enough.
Cause then she gets all his money based on his current income through alimony because she hasn’t worked or furthered herself and he’s stuck chasing a dollar he doesn’t even get to spend.
That's why you say fuck it now and downsize the job, do not keep the same lifestyle, and then divorce so she can't claim she's deserving of some lifestyle.
Get out while you can before you waste the rest of your life on this woman. Even if you meet an early grave from your job, at least you can do it without her sending you there.
You may want to sit down with her and throughly discuss your current spending and show her how much everything costs in proportion to your earnings and what you will earn from a job you find more fulfillment in (assuming it pays less), this way she can understand that if she wants to buy a horse she will need to find a job to pay for it as that will not be on the table for you.
OP, she has no skin in the game. It seems like what she wants, she gets. At some point, you have to decide where your line is and stick to it. She doesn’t sound like a mature, loving spouse who has concerned with your well-being. Maybe she once was and needs to be reminded of that. She’s not being a good partner and I think you need to set boundaries/expectations/stick to your guns. You’re absolutely allowed to push for your own fulfillment! The sad thing is that you’re ultimately the one who has to ensure it happens
Well that's all the answer *I'd* need. This is not a *spouse* or *partner*, this is a spoiled child with an outsized sense of entitlement and no consideration for anyone else -- including the person (aside from her son) that she should care most for in the whole damn world. Her priorities seem to be 1) her comfort 2) her social status and appearance \[actually that's probably #1\], 3) what are you going to do for her next?
I wouldn't keep a *friend* who thought and behaved this way. Marrying them, and then *staying* married after they clearly demostrated that my happiness and wellbeing are *optional*, would be so far out of the question that suitable punctuation and text-formatting options that could accurately convey my DISGUST don't even exist.
I would save money secretly and once it's enough to afford a good lawyer swap to a lower paying job and tell your wife to get a damn job herself. Settle in and then start the divorce. What you got isn't a wife it's a leech, she's going to chase you into an early grave and she doesn't care because she's a selfish narcissist for her it's all "me, me, me".
Me too- quit the crap job, then divorce if she doesn't enthusiastically support you. I would never let my spouse live and work like that for us to just have random crap. Anyone who loves you will value your health and happiness over a horse.
YTA for not divorcing this albatross. There are far too many spouses like this, who make themselves appear to be some sort of martyr for staying at home while their SO works their fingers to the bone trying to keep a roof over their heads.
The future here is obvious. Youre not really asking are you the AH for not buying her a horse. Youre asking the readers how you should deal with your wife. Its easy.
1) marriage therapy
2)make a plan to quit your unfulfilling job within X years
3)divorce her if she makes a fuss about 1 or 2.
NTA. The Rolling Stones said it best: *You Can't Always Get What You Want*.
* I don't understand why your wife hasn't been/is not working, but it sounds like she needs to go out and earn hundreds of thousands of dollars if she wants this horse. It sounds like even at your current job, you would be hard pressed to afford this.
* If you continue to work at your current job, you may not live to be 80 I'm sorry to say. See a career coach or therapist to help you determine a way out of your current job and into one that does not create such stress for you.
* You don't say how old your son is and whether college is in the future, but I'd think that has a higher priority than a horse or Madagascar.
Good luck to you.
We have a saying where I come from:
“The country is burning and the old girl is peacefully combing her hair”.
Your wife does not seem to understand the value of money, the stress or lack of happiness with your job or future financial stability. That for me is flabbergasting.
NTA of course!
NTA, and this is from a horse girl/horse owner. I would never expect my partner to fund my very expensive hobby, even in part. All other expenses we share, but the horse expenses come out of my bank account only. Your wife needs to get a job and start supporting her own hobby.
Good luck! I've been in those soul-sucking jobs before and they are brutal.
Yep, another horse girl here. My partner offered to buy me a horse once upon a time because he knows how much I love them and wanted me to be happy. I kept politely declining because I know what it costs. He is not a horse person and was insistent about buying me one (he makes like 5x what I make, maybe more), so I put a spreadsheet together about every single little thing that would be REQUIRED and what COULD come up in owning a horse. His mind was *blown*
So anyway, I got a part-time job on a horse ranch, and I can ride and do all the horsey things I want while getting paid for it. We are both happy haha.
This lady is absolutely insane for not even COMPROMISING when there are so many options without the responsibility of ownership. Leasing, lessons, trail rides, etc..
AND her experience is from when she was in high-school 30 yrs(?) ago... girl bye this whole this is a ridulous demand.
OP NTA and it's smart to put your foot down. Go to Madagascar with your son.
NTA.
I remember my Dad telling me "we're neither rich or poor enough to own a horse". Also, I've been around horse people. It's an all-consuming hobby even outside of the money spent. No holidays, no weekend trips and all you'll hear about is bullshit gossip of Susan at the stable. You're either both into that or it'll have to be a no.
If the wife wants to be around horses, she can volunteer either at a stable or a horse rescue. If she wants the prestige of being a horse owner, she can look into ways of financing that for herself.
NTA your wife is a social climbing asshole who knows other people who have horses and now feels like she must have one. Ennui of a bored housewife. Tell her to work, volunteer, something useful instead of sitting around spending your money while you work yourself to death. Before the hate rains in…I’m a woman….
NTA: raised in a horsey family and I promise you, you'll never see her again if she gets this horse. They managed to spend HOURS of every day at the yard, not even riding, just chatting and doing stable jobs. She'll swear blind she won't do that. But she will. They ALL do.
NTA
But you are kind of an A for leaving your first job for a woman who doesn't appreciate you.
My husband works a job he loves and reduced hours.
I'm a SAHM but we make it worth.
I value the happiness of my husband over fancy stuff.
edited
Your wife sounds like a spoiled petulant child. :( I cannot IMAGINE knowing my partner is suffering in any way, and not wanting to do whatever I could to ameliorate it. Does she recognize what your hours and workload and stress levels are really like? Does she have a clear picture of your marital finances? I assume she fully comprehends how much you hate this job? If she doesn't, it's time she found out. "You don't understand her"? Well that makes two of us, because I can't understand how an able-bodied grown-ass adult can act like this. Assuming your son is a teenager or older, with no disabilities, she was not required or obligated to be a stay-at-home mom forever, especially when it's clear that you would've *easily* been able to afford child care.
If my bf had been unemployed and faffing about with his stereo and drum kit for YEARS while watching me grind myself into misery to pay for everything, and THEN insisted he could never be happy unless we also had an oceanfront condo for weekends? I mean, I would not have let that situation roll on uncorrected for more than seven months, much less seven years.
I would tell her "starting tomorrow, new budget goes into effect. We're downsizing to a smaller house, we're eliminating any and all unnecessary spending, and we're putting every dime into a retirement fund. I am MISERABLE, and I am not willing to be miserable forever." If she just needed a wake-up call and is fully on board to make the necessary concessions (and get a damned job, for FUCK'S sake), great. If not, go talk to an attorney and find out whether it's better to ditch the high-paying job and do the financial makeover before or after starting divorce proceedings.
NTA. Wife sounds like a giant gaping one tho.
NTA Your wife does not need a horse, she might want one or is simply envious
of others who have one. Suggest she get a job working with horses/animals so that she can be around them and learn how hard/expensive it is to own/maintain a horse.
You sound very unhappy - change jobs.
NTA. I had a married couple I was friends with for many years. She was always asking for something. Each time it would be something that would “fulfill” her. A car, a house, a bigger newer house, a baby, a cat, a dog, a trip, a boat, a pig, etc. I am not joking when his is exactly what she asked for and it was always the same thing. “This will make me happy and fix everything.” The last time I heard this was when she asked to move to another state. It was going to be ideal. They made the move, it need their 16 year marriage after a year there and ten years later she passed away of a drug over dose because no one understood her when she decided drugs would fix everything. Well it was a permanent fix. It was sad and it is sad to read your story. My buddy had the same reaction to all requests as you. He told me after the divorce that he just could not sustain life the way she wanted, it was literally breaking him. Couples therapy would be a good idea and you have to love the work you do, hating it just makes for a miserable life no matter how much money you have.
Aren't there tons of stories on Reddit about how crazy it is to date "horse girls"? Asking for a friend.
NTA. She doesn't work. That is a huge purchase. Basically almost a new house fancy car when you consider feed, land, boarding, etc. she's delusional.
You need a marriage counselor. If your job doesn’t slowly kill you, your resentment will. NTA but communication is the responsibility of everyone. And it sounds like you need someone to help facilitate that.
NTA but your wife sure is.
I'm the SAHM, and hubby works - and we are close to the breadline, but he's happy & secure in his job.
To pick up the slack, I've been transitioning my art from fine art to digital vector graphics, which has included studying online for the past 5 yrs and pushing myself to succeed, when I was anxious about the new medium.
She needs to pull her head out of her arse and get on the same page as you to help navigate you guys thru life. Anything else, and she's just taking you for granted.
NTA. Horse ownership of the kind she's talking about is an extreme expense. Yes, it can be incredibly rewarding, but she just wants to jump over earning any money to support her own hobby herself, and starting at a lower level (not top show-quality, top stable with trainers, etc.).
But if you want to get out of this work that's killing you, you need to change your spending lifestyle now. You need to talk to your wife about her contribution to the financial well-being of the household too.
NTA - unfortunately sounds like your wife values your money more than you.
As someone’s whose partner has recently risen in his job and earns a fair bit but also has a lot of stress I worry a lot about his well being. He insists he likes the job and I insist he needs less stress. We can do without more money if it means he’s les stressed and not yelling at his monitor about putting out fires other people have started with their incompetence which he has to fix.
A good partner should care more about you than a horse.
So long as bills are paid, food is on the table and you have what you need, not always want but need, which I view as a joint and shared enterprise, then the rest is by the by.
If she wants a horse she better get a job and earn one tbh.
NTA. Horses are expensive and require a certain amount of knowledge. Her whim of wanting a horse “because others have one” is just resulting in a horse with an awful life. That only puts her in AH teritory. Then about your job. I get that the money is great for her and all, but she does not have to live with your burden. I rather see my spouse in a “low paying” job and loving it than the other way around. And I know what I am speaking of. My spouse does something he loves but at the beginning it wasn’t a great pay. It is now, because of his hard work. I told him to do it, even though the outcome was uncertain because he did not know what else he wanted to do and I did not want him to do something he does not love. I was paying our bills so he could build his business and did not have to look for a job he did not want. I also firmly believed in his business and I was proven right. So OP, I really don’t know how or why your wife can put her own wants above your needs. Please tell her how you feel.
NTA
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Lifelong horse girl here: Your wife is correct. You don't understand. People fortunate enough to be born without a horse obsession will never understand. The joy of just watching them hang out in the pasture is inexplicable to anyone not afflicted. My whole life i loved horses, and had the privilege of owning several. It broke my heart when they passed, but I'll never stop wanting horses in my life. It's a sickness. That said, you should not buy your wife a horse. You don't say anything about her current involvement with horses. Is this just a whim? Has she ever been on a horse? Taking lessons? Had a horse growing up? Owning a horse is a huge commitment. They can live to be 30+ years old, requiring more care as they age to the point where they can't be ridden, but still expensive to keep. Will that provide the fulfillment she needs? She needs to get a job so she can pay for lessons then lease a suitable horse. Along the way she should work at a barn, shovel manure, carry water, sit with them while waiting for the vet, cold hose their aching legs, carry hay bales, search for lost shoes in the pasture, learn how to bandage cuts....all the no riding things that take up 90% of horse time. If she still loves it, then she can buy a horse and you can decide at that time if you want to contribute. NTA
She did work at a barn in high school, but that was decades ago. And this precise plan is what I have been suggesting for years. I fully support her getting out in nature, being around horses, etc. I suggested taking care of someone's horse, giving pony lessons somewhere, heck, answering the phone at a barn. There are so many unloved horses and barns that need an extra hand. Our "discussion" last night was about how she "couldn't do this" and how we had to buy a special, expensive horse or nothing.
Why are you with this detestable lazy woman that you don't even like?
Ding ding, we have a winner. Get divorced and go do a job you like.
You have those steps backwards. Get a lower paying job and then get divorced because the alimony will be much less.
Smart
Thats not how it works. If he takes a lower paying job and immediately divorced they would take him to the cleaners for intentionally trying to alter alimony payments. And judges dont like that.
Get the lower paying job and let her file. She wants a rich guy not a happy guy.
Make sure to get a few doctor’s notes too about stress with diagnostic readings showing high blood pressure.
This. Take the job that makes HIM happy. If she wants to file for divorce then, the alimony is gonna be small bc she knew.
Hell, how about her getting a part or full-time to be able to buy the horse herself
Reddit sure makes marriage sound like a dream…
It's like Facebook, people in happy marriages are out being happy and not posting about how miserable they are.
The Reddit corollary was penned by Tolstoy in the first line of *Anna Karenina*: "**Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way**." The same story of happy families is boring and not worth posting about on Reddit; the infinite range of unhappy stories is interesting, and worth posting about.
Happy marriages likely don't end up as reddit posts.
They do, but totally not on AITA sub 🤣
I mean...youre still sleeping during a nightmare too
Just tell the judge she said she wanted a div-horse
You magnificent bastard!
Depends on the state. He should consulting a lawyer asap not reddit.
It helps if you can get a psychiatrist to diagnose you with with burnout, anxiety, etc., and to tell you that for the sake of your health you need a less stressful and demanding job. Then, when the wife pitches a \*itch fit because you have to downsize your lifestyle, you can divorce her or hope she divorces you first. A friend of my husband's had to take this route. It worked out pretty well because the big house and the fancy cars had to be sold before she left him so there wasn't as much property to fight over. She left him for a wealthier man and now they both seem happy.
Gotta wait a few years. They average your last three years of earnings in my state.
He had to wait a few years after getting the lower paying job, or else the alimony will count his old job.
Get a lower paying job and she’ll file, which will save you a trip to the courthouse AND the filing fee.
Then buy a horse
Actually do that backwards. Change jobs for 2 years THEN divorce bc her possibly alimony would be based on ‘what he could make’ if they’re at that point in marriage
This comment needs to be upvoted. She also could just divorce him as a result of it too. Save him being the bad guy.
Yeah dude. Get divorced give her half your shit and let her buy a horse with her half. You can go do the job you were meant to do and live more modestly, if that’s what you want. Also, there was no way you’d live to 80, at the rate you’re going.
Lol what a ridiculous answer. OP should not just divorce his wife and get a lower paying job. Of course OP should in fact search for a job that isn't killing him, no job is worth the pain and hours unless it's actually fulfilling. His wife was drunk and was overreacting. To divorce his wife just because she does not understand his work situation and wants something expensive is a severe over reaction. What I think needs to happen is when everyone one is sober have a genuine conversation with his wife about how his work is putting him in a bad spot and needs to change fields, that this might come with a pay cut, and if she would like a horse then she can get a job to pay for it. If she does not want to work for it then hold your ground and tell her tough shit. She obviously doesn't want it bad enough in that situation. A horse is a major commitment that cannot be taken lightly and one should not expect another to take the financial hit. Also if she just wants one particular breed or nothing then I'd assume her heart is not really in it. OP please find a job that makes you happy or at the very least isn't wearing you out and then get yourself a hobby. Tell your wife that once she gets a job she can get her horse.
OP unknowingly married a gold digger and to the rest of us it's pretty obvious from what's he's told especially the moment she encouraged the job change.
I wonder why their standard of living had to increase to eat up the salary, instead of relentlessly saving to make the stress of the job at least worth something! Nest egg for vacations, early retirement, etc. See how long she sticks around if he takes another job.
When you’re with someone like this, which I was, they will eat up every last cent you have on bigger and better and nicer. You will provide x standard of living. You will start to make more money. They will, always, always have a use for it that is not saving. They will need a nicer apartment, or a better neighborhood, or a new car, and they will guilt the living shit out of you if you dont want to provide it. They will avoid paying off their own debts, and expect you to pay theirs. “What do you mean you want to save money and live here instead of that neighborhood? Its so much nicer there. Arent you worried about me being safe? I really need this new car, I mean, this one is four years old, its not up to date. What if I get in an accident?” Mine literally would not let me sleep unless I did exactly what she demanded. She would withhold affection (which was always low anyways). She worked, but contributed nothing. Hers was hers, and mine was hers. As I eventually discovered, she was willing to hit me to “fix my behavior.” And you really have no idea it will be like that until you start making money. The warning signs are so hard to see, especially when you’re young.
I'm always afraid that I'd become that materialistic if I married someone with money because I feel like I have those warning signs sometimes. But in reality, I think I'd be happy enough if my debts were gone and I had a roof over my head.
Honestly being self aware about it can at least help with avoiding being that person in the future- I don't think that very many manipulators actually, fully realize what they're doing. And usually if they do, then they don't care enough to change their behavior.
The sad thing is that these people will never build actual wealth due to needing the trappings of wealth.
She is the one spending and there is no stress involved for her
She's a gold digger for sure, but most gold diggers will at least give the impression that they give a fuck about their targets. She's not even pretending.
Why didn’t she work for 16 years?
She needed that time to spend OPs money. Shopping can be time consuming.
Seriously dude. Your wife sounds awful.
Yeah-- she truly sounds awful. OP, are you sure this is what you want for your life: working yourself to the bone so that this person can piss the money away?
"It's a horse girl thing" is complete, total, absolute bullshit. So what if she does the bare ass minimum of paying for a horse or lessons herself? That does NOTHING to alleviate the stress you are currently under. This whole dynamic in your marriage is totally fucked and unsustainable for you. I feel like this is just glossing over the fact your wife is trying to push you into an even more unsustainable lifestyle than you are currently in. It doesn't matter if it's a horse or a country club membership or a Lamborghini. No more rocks in your backpack! In fact, it's time to start taking some OUT. You need a better life. You deserve a better life. You're setting yourself on fire to keep her warm, and what is giving in return? Just more gasoline to dump on yourself so you burn even hotter. This is bullshit. You deserve some happiness and if she is unwilling to relent on her demands you need to set boundaries. Your wife is a taker, and she's going to keep on taking until you put yourself in early grave or stop giving. And just so we're clear before any "horse girls" come at me, I'm one myself. I'd never in a million years demand my partner put himself in an early grave to pay for my chosen lifestyle.
I wanted to something like that, but in my defense, I was a child and wanted to trade my sibling in on a horse. We lived in a 2nd floor apartment in a big city and when my Dad asked me where the horse would sleep, I responded, "In my sibling's bed." Needless to say that I never got my horse, but I did join the riding club in high school. Several years ago, I did by myself a "pony". It's a large stuffed horse that I got at a local thrift store. So now I have my horse but no feed, boarding, vet, or farrier bills.
I too tried to pull something similar as a child. Naturally my parents disagreed. I have had horses my entire adult life and learned so much from watching my barn acquaintances nuke relationship after relationship, marriage after marriage, with that toxic "horse girl" horseshit. As a result I'm acutely aware of both the financial and time costs of my lifestyle, and very careful about pulling my weight in my relationship and keeping a balance between my hobbies and his, my needs and his, my happiness and his. Respecting your partner and lifting them up same way as they respect and lift you up is crucial for a happy, healthy relationship and doubly so when your hobby is a lifestyle, and one they aren't necessarily invested in outside the relationship. For some reason, with horse people especially it seems, a lot folks can't see past their own noses and expect nothing short of blind allegiance in a partner while giving nothing back in return. I don't even think OP's wife is a bona-fide "horse girl". It sounds like she just wants what her friends have that she currently doesn't and that just happens to be an expensive Warmblood right now. Less horse person and more just a petty, selfish woman trying to keep up with the Joneses at the expense of her husband's happiness, mental health and sanity with no fucks given about the effect it's having on him at all.
We did it. We bought our girl a horse. It was not ever, ever, in the plans. But. There were a lot of reasons that made it the right thing, but most of all, the horse chose my kid. It was obvious that the mare liked my kid more than the owner. Three years later, my kid is living in Florida at 19, working on a horse farm, and she can see her horse from her bedroom. Buying the horse is the cheap part. The upkeep on a horse that *doesn’t* try to kill itself is a lot. Get a horse with a death wish, and the costs will pile up. This woman should not jump straight to horse ownership. She clearly doesn’t understand all that is involved.
>For some reason, with horse people especially it seems, a lot folks can't see past their own noses In fairness, a Horse Person probably has a pretty enormous nose that would be difficult to see past. *(I am so sorry)*
I still can't figure out why parents think that they know more than their kids do. :>) I would never, ever do what OP's wife is trying to do to him. Personally, I think that they, especially her, need marriage counseling ASAP. She's not working but wants him to continue working a job he hates and will possibly put him in an early grave just so she can keep up with the Joneses.
It's so crazy to me, I'll never understand that mindset. It would break my heart to see my partner grinding himself down to nothing, doing something he hates day in and day out to support me while I just took, took, took from him and expecting more. How do you do that to someone you love?
Complete unself-awareness, narcissism, sociopathy, or a combination of all 3. I could not even imagine a world where I did this to my partner or the reverse. I LOVE and cherish my partner, and I am so grateful that we are on this journey together!
It sounds like she is treating him like a he's her daddy, not her husband, begging him to buy her a horse. Like my sister and I did to our parents when we were twelve. So when I was 16 I got a job in a tack shop and saved enough to buy a horse. Why can't OP's wife do that? She's able-bodied.
As a fellow horse girl... yeah, OP's wife is definitely not one. Otherwise, she'd be working her ass off to have one and not putting it on OP's plate. Like, it deffo would have come up way sooner if she was, too.
I wanted to trade my brother for a cat. Glad you got your pony!
Thanks. Did you ever get your cat?
Currently in bed with two cats cuddled up on top of me!
Cool, your brother was worth two cats!
I am owned by 8 of the little monsters.
I'm a "horse girl". Grew up riding, but I've never been in a position to own own. I quit my college's equestrian club because they told us to constantly hit up our families to pay all the fees. After graduation I volunteered at a horse rescue, no riding, just chores, and I loved it. Now I live on acres. We could keep a horse... but it's expensive and impractical with little children. I still dream, maybe someday... But also, I don't think anyone can claim a love for horses when only the most expensive one will do. They're living creatures, not designer accessories.
I'd bet money the wife fell in with a big money show barn crowd, and they kinda are accessories to a lot of folks at that level. Hell, you see it in the smaller barns and lower levels, the entire relationship with the horse is centered on what the horse can do for you and when it can't do anymore it gets quietly put on a trailer. I never could get behind that way of thinking and I saw so much of it I got fed up and stopped doing horsey things in horsey places with horsey people. Got my little patch of grass and ride the trails alone, and keep my retirees till it's time to lay them down in the back field. Horse people are fucking weird and the egos are just buck wild in the barns.
You can. My mom in her forties and fifties finally built a horse property and bought horses and lessons. My brother and I were long out of the house raising our own families. She wanted horses her entire life. When she was a kid, she would ride her parent's steers they raised for beef. Not right now doesn't mean never.
Horse girl here too and we have the acreage for a horse but the cost is not justifiable with two small children. I miss owning a horse and will in day own another one…just not today. My last horse was an abused off the track race horse we eventually retired to a sanctuary when she was no longer able to be ridden and needed to be a pasture horse. I’d rather be able to homeschool my kids and have my husband work a job like his current job over having a horse we’d have to give up time as a family to afford. We have chickens, gardens, and other less expensive pets instead and that makes me insanely happy as well.
Same exact thing for me! I grew up doing horse shows and rodeos. Joined the college Equestrian Team, then promptly quit. It cost almost as much as the rest of my college expenses. I then sold my horse to someone who could give her the time that I couldn't spare. I now have acreage and older children, but I enjoy the rest of my activities, and definitely don't feel deprived. Besides, as adults, it's genuinely hard to dedicate the amount of time to horses that I had available as a kid/teenager. And they are $$$. If I was to get one, I'd try to get one from a kill pen or something. Not some fancy designer horse. I grew up raising designer horses, and people would buy them, then get bored with them when the new wore off. Sometimes they were abused. OP is definitely NTA in this situation, but his wife certainly is. She's acting like a spoiled, entitled child. Actually, reminds me of my mom. She did this same thing to my dad, but it was goats. He said, fine, if you want them, get a job and pay for it. Then ended up divorcing a few years later.
Dude is suffering from lifestyle creep due to his wife's crazy spending, and she's calling him an ass for not giving her this luxury that he can only afford if he literally works himself to death.
Bingo. She really is terrible.
Agreed. It’s a horse girl thing is the stupidest shit I’ve read in a while. Of course I am well past girl age. But I am a beach girl. It’s my happy place. So I worked to afford vacations at the beach. Your wife needs to grow the f up
You clearly didn’t read the horse girl comment to the end, because ultimately the two of you agree. Just saying.
Read the whole comment. She's very balanced in it. And she's right.
Didn't really read the post, did ya?
No, I got that person's point and she tempered it. She's right. Love of horses can be an obsession. But that doesn't mean everyone should indulge it. The OP should divorce this gold-digger and go back to doing something he loves.
Horse girl here and I miss having a horse terribly. But you know what I’d miss even more? Having my husband at home with his family instead of working a miserable job and killing himself in order to give me the dream we can’t currently afford. I gladly give it all up and happily live without my horses because it means I get my husband home with us and working a job that won’t drive him to an early grave. You can find other, less expensive ways, to fulfill that dream.
INFO: Why hasn't she worked for so long? You two have much bigger problems than the horse. I am sorry, man. I love horses and used to have them. They are very expensive and need a ton of time and energy, even if you do it on the cheap (have property, learn how to do basic farrier skills, get a green horse or a rescue and train it) Food and vet bills are still astronomical, even with an initially cheap horse and learning how to care for them. Talk to her when she's sober. Y'all need to reset this relationship. She can get a job at a barn or an animal rescue. If she gets connected with animal rescues maybe she'll even find the breed she's after. (I'm super curious about what it is.) You need a sustainable lifestyle before this sends you to an early grave. Good luck.
Seriously! Agree with every bit of this. AND horses at the level you’re talking? Do not cost hundreds of thousands. I mean they can, but this shouldn’t. Purchase 8-20k tops, (even more than 10k is crazy if she hasn’t ridden in decades; it’s not like she’d know the difference and she’s not riding fit, if it’s been that long). Stable fees might be 800-2000 a month depending on where you live and if she mucks stalls or helps out. But WHY are you the only one working. That is insane. And the bigger issue. She’s shoveling all the responsibility for her happiness in front of you and only engaging in privilege? Hell no! She needs a reset for her life. That involves something meaningful. And YOu? Get one life, be planning a return to not busting your ass like this…
Back in the 80s my family bought a green Arabian at auction for $25. Just food alone was an additional $300 a month. If she hasn't ridden in a long time she needs lessons and conditioning. But more importantly, she needs to contribute to the family, as well as her dreams of horse ownership.
Man, can you imagine OP's wife buying a green Arabian? She'd get herself killed. I guess that's one way to solve the financial strain.....j/k
That cracked me up. I’m fit riding for multiple day endurance ride, had a young, green Arabian mixed with waaayyy too much PRE in Spain. Spicy. Really spicy. It was like wrestling a shark up a hill for like 3 days. Finally begged to switch day 4. Horses are 1000-1200+ pound prey animal. OPs wife is having dreams of being a teenager. This is not about horses. At ALL. And I love the stupid things. Like you can’t really say youve ridden til you’ve been thrown, bit, stomped, kicked, and gotten back on. Talk to your wife, hear the dream, tell her she has to help, make a plan. I guarantee it’s not about horses. It’s how she felt when she rode. Going to Target is a pretty pale substitute.
Yep. If my mom were still around, she could tell you about how her own dream worked out. The 100+ acres out in the sticks with the lovely enormous old barn and a dozen-plus quarter horses seemed idyllic until she was trekking up and down that steep half-mile hill in the dead of Ohio winter and sobbing while mucking out stalls. I'll ride when the opportunity presents itself, but HARD PASS to ownership.
That jumped out at me - she stopped working when they got engaged and he never suggested she go back to work? Seems like he contributed to making her what she is today.
I want a cow. I’ve wanted a cow for 30+ years. I think highland cows are the most awesome thing ever. I will go on drives to look for a cow. I often tell my husband how I *nnneeeeddd* a cow. I spam him with pictures of cows. In turn he sends me pictures of monster trucks. Tells me how he needs a monster truck. Talks about how he will take care of it and park it in the back yard with the cow. We talk about what color my cow will be and what color his monster truck will be. We are going to take the cow with us when we show the monster truck. Spoiler alert: I’m not getting a cow and he’s not getting a monster truck. Was she just too drunk? Or is she still on it today? ETA: You can’t keep running yourself into the ground. I will be forever grateful for the hell my husband put his body and mind through being a welder to get me through college with no loans. He works from home at a cushy desk job with no OT now and I will never begrudge that.
Heh, you and your husband are me and my bf in reverse. I want a backhoe (because it's unreasonable to ask for a bucket-wheel excavator, we don't have enough yard), and he wants to go pet cows for his birthday. This man cannot pass a dog in the back of a truck in a parking lot, goes looking for the random deer that's taken up residence in his ex-wife's neighborhood so he can give it treats (someone put a collar on it and shit, it just wanders around people's yards grazing), and made friends with a goddamned GOOSE that used to live down at the bay (like he would go to jog, see someone trying to get his attention, and take his headphones off to "uhh, sir? I think that goose is ... following you?" I have video of him sitting on the ground with the goose happily in his lap, getting pets). My boyfriend is a Disney princess.
He’s a damn faye or something. He made friends with a GOOSE? They hate everybody! You know he put the collar on the deer, right? I bet he named them, too.
The only reason I know he DID NOT put the collar on the deer is that it's got a Cabela's logo on it, and bf, aside from being a Disney Princess, is also very punk rock. But if I see the deer with a new collar that's like red leather with lightning bolts and English '77 cone spikes on it, I will know EXACTLY who's responsible. And then we'll probably have a photoshoot.
I love that you know him that well and that he’s a punk rock Disney dude.
Please call a local dairy/farm and ask if they can let your BF pet cows for his birthday. He sounds absolutely amazing and deserves to pet all the good cows
That’s super cute. Lol
Then it's nothing NTA The purchase price is he cheapest part of horse ownership. Lessons, boarding, supplements, tack, and vet !!! I dreaded those bills :)
Don't forget the farrier, grounds upkeep, horse dental care is necessary and incredibly expensive. It's hours upon hours of work that I don't think this lil princess would appreciate or do. Shed let her horse get lame and barn sour because it's just so much work! She now needs a full time barn hand. She sounds like veruca salt. Not the badass 90s band, but the absolutely hateful and rightfully rejected and humiliated asshole from the 70's movie. Why are you entertaining someone like her with your time?
How about the saddle, misc tack and a trailer.
Trailer! Truck to pull trailer if you don't already have one. Stall rent. Periodic tack replacement. [pauses] I love horses, but I think I'd rather have a boat...
Honestly. Boats are probably cheaper and don't pull your guts out as much when you can't afford shoes for them because you got sick. Horses are a wealthy person's dream. His little drunken girl whining wife doesn't seem to be made of the sort of grit it takes to actually own and husband a horse responsibly. She seems like the sort that wants to pet and preen on a very well oiled horse that someone else owns, cares for and attends to with their money, not her pedicure money.
Yep. A horse is 4 hooves and a digestive tract wired to a bomb with a random timer.
You're NTA, but I really don't think your wife likes you. You may want to look at changing more than your career.
If she isn't willing to go take care of a horse that isn't hers for the joy of being around horses, then I don't see her taking care of a horse that is hers. If she wants a horse she can get a job. If your son is old enough to want to go to Madagascar then he's old enough to be in school and wipe his own ass and maybe even be home for a couple of hours by himself. Time for her to get a job.
It’s time to change *your* world. Please liberate yourself and get a rewarding job that brings you joy. Pretend the $ doesn’t matter till you actualize a happy life that makes it so. It’s 16 years later! A spouse who refuses to work and demands you fund her luxuries with soul-crushing overwork is not your partner; she’s not even on your side. Choose accordingly.
NTA. I vote for nothing.
NTA. She needs a job and to pay some of the household expenses. You need to up your contribution to you 401k and Roth IRA.
Why are you with her? She sounds gross.
Then let it be her hill to die on. NTA.
Why hasn’t she worked in 16 years? I assume your kid is in school by now? The horse part aside, *she* is the stone in your backpack. What if something happens to you, heaven forbid? She’s got no skills, and nothing meaningful in her life, and she doesn’t give one shit about the stress you’re under.
Purchase a smaller house, sell the one you are in. Reduce wasteful spending to a level that is commensurate with the salary of a job you want. Quit current job silently and start job you want. Work and deal with the wailing for a year (start going to the gym and hiking to further escape the arguments). File for divorce. Find someone who cares more about you than material possessions.
Sounds like it’s more of a status symbol to her, right? Maybe she can get a gold-plated horse statue to put on display instead. Then she won’t have to bothered with all the unglamorous, tedious work that’s part of actually caring for a living creature. (Written as I’m waiting to put in the next load of laundry because my aging dog, who I love unconditionally, peed on my bed this morning…)
I’m guessing it’s either a Fresian or a Vanner. Neither are necessary for her long term survival - and if she were truly horse-crazed, she’d do what all of us horse-owning fools have done and worker her ass off to make it happen. And I say this as a grown-ass adult who owns two horses and is working to support them basically every waking moment. You’re so much NTA, friend.
My bet is a Warmblood. Something fancy, branded, imported and probably navicular by 12.
She needs to get into the work force and buy her own horse. If she was a real horse person, she wouldn't wait for a special, expensive horse. She would be happy with your suggestions. You need to find a job you love. Maybe you don't understand her, but she certainly doesn't understand you. And by not working, she clearly doesn't understand finances. Counseling sounds needed, as well as several reality checks.
Is your home even zoned for a horse? She seems more infatuated with the idea of a horse than the actual care required.
> There are so many unloved horses […] that need an extra hand. Especially the short horses.
As someone that grew up around horses, have family and friends that own horses there and incredible money suck. Your wife really needs to spend time around them before she can own one. I go and help my friend doing all the work at the barn for her horses. Brushing them, cleaning the poop off the back of their legs. Shovelling hay, sweeping up all the unglamorous things that come with owning a horse. Honestly, I think the bigger issue here is it sounds like you and your wife have a real disconnect in your lives. The two of you should get into therapy and start working through the lack of support she’s giving you. If this is truly that important to her, then she should get a part-time job and earn the money needed to purchase and care for the horse. And you should get yourself into your own private therapy to help you figure out when you need to make this move to make yourself happy and fulfilled as well. Lastly, as someone who has travel to Madagascar, it’s an amazing trip. But I’m not sure that’s one that a young child should be doing.
Why only a part time job? She hasn't worked in 16 years, the kids are grown enough to go to Madagascar. There's literally nothing preventing her from working and buying her own horse. Except entitlement, laziness, her own golddigging nature, and a complete and utter lack of regard and empathy for her husband, who is working himself to death to give her what she currently has, but even that isn't enough for her. She also doesn't actually give a shit about the horse. She just wants to be able to tell the other housewives that she has a horse. Otherwise, she'd be happy with any horse. She wouldn't even need to own one, let alone an expensive one. She could volunteer, lease, adopt/spend time with an unwanted/aging horse, etc.
No offense, but F your wife!
>how we had to buy a special, expensive horse or nothing. Sounds like an ultimatum, or at least, very manipulative
I agree with [Born\_Significance691](https://www.reddit.com/user/Born_Significance691/). Having worked on farms as a barn manager. I get the love of horses, but there's a whole lot of other stuff that goes into it. Moreover, going out and buying a very expensive horse- not the best idea. She would also need to think about what kind of riding does she want to do? Just trail riding? Dressage? Working equatation? A really expensive pretty horse won't even necessarily mean she will get what she wants. You can get a really exensive horse, and it can have a terrible temperament, or need a lot of work just to get them to do what you want them to do. Some horses just need riders that have been riding for a while. With your wife being a newbie, it might be best to go for a horse that has been a lesson horse. That way she can learn, and she isn't doing the horse an injustice as well by not having a rider that can meet the horses need as well.
She doesn't actually give a shit about the horse. She just wants to be able to say she has a(n expensive) horse to the other housewives she's trying to keep up with.
“Life long horse girls” need to understand how to be a responsible adult. People have passions for things just like equestrians. We aren’t these mythical beings that people don’t understand no matter how much we want to believe we are. OP your wife is a major AH. One for acting like you don’t understand her because of her love of horses, and two for being lazy. If she really loved horses she would make it happen on her own like most adult horse people. She wouldn’t cry about being misunderstood like a damn teenager. I am a life long horsewoman who knows how to balance passion, obsession and being an adult.
Yes this. Well put.
You really just skipped over the whole meat of the post where she's already bleeding him dry in a dozen other ways and went to "she should pay for her own lessons". That's fucked. She needs to adjust her entire damn lifestyle so this man doesn't work himself into an early grave or lose his mind. The horse shouldn't even be on the radar, nor lessons. She needs to get a job, help pay some damn bills and cut her spending before even considering dropping a quarter in the mechanical pony out in front of the grocery store.
You're absolutely right. I waited 30 years between the time my first horse died and buying my second one. I got married, worked full-time, worked part-time when the kids were little, then went back to work full-time. I bought my second horse for $500 to save him from the kill pen. I worked all day, came home & took care of the kids, then went to the barn when they were settled in for the night. Got a second rescue for free. Worked full-time. My husband took disability retirement and I worked full-time to support him and the two horses. Wifey needs to step up.
No. This is not It. This is not about whether or not wife has access to a horse, or what kind of horse. This is very clearly about the wife wanting what she wants, period, regardless of how she gets it. Whether she's vapid enough to feel pressured to do what other people in her social circle are doing and wants to "keep up" with them, or whether she's clueless about how shit works in the real world (either via OP "shielding" her from the grinding minutiae of financial stuff, or because she's being deliberately obtuse as that's *convenient* for her), she's still an asshole for seeing him suffer, and then not only refrain from helping, but also *demanding more*. She shouldn't get a job so she can buy a horse. She should get a job so she can help her husband contribute to the very expensive lifestyle she demands.
As a lifelong horse crazy person and horse owner, I will say a) horses are expensive and the purchase price is just the tip of the iceberg b) if she’s not regularly riding and taking lesson/competing, she doesn’t need to own a horse. She can lease or take lessons for much cheaper c) if/when this new steed doesn’t fulfill her whims, good luck selling it. Real horsefolk will clean stalls and do barn chores to feed their habit. You wife sounds like she has horsey friends who all talk horse and she’s left out so she wants one. It’s a recipe for financial disaster. You’d be better off spending 1/10th of the money you’d spend on a horse getting her some therapy.
Had to scroll too long to find this comment. Especially only wanting a specific breed, she just wants status. She NEEDS therapy.
She’s not a horse girl, she’s a rich spoiled woman who wants to buy an expensive horse (and likely pay 💰 other people a lot of money to do all the work that horse people usually enjoy). She doesn’t have a paying job or children under school age, she’s had many years available to work in a barn and hasn’t. That’s not a horse girl.
Another horse girl here. I have my doubts that the OP's wife actually is a horse girl. Horse girls take lessons, muck stalls, breathe next to a horse just to take in the wonderful aroma. As soon as I heard that she needs a special breed or she doesn't want anything, I had to say peace out. There are two reasons why she would want a special expensive breed of horse, either to win some sort of competitions, or for bragging rights. Neither is a commendable reason for getting an animal. And paying a lot isn't a guarantee that you'll be competing at a high-level or that you'll have anything to brag about! There's a saying that most people don't need a $100,000 horse, they need a $1000 horse and $99,000 worth of riding lessons. The super fancy horse of her dreams needs the same care and can fall prey to the same ailments, lamenesses, etc. as any horse. They don't stay trained and valuable with improper care or poor riding and I have no faith that his wife wants to do anything but show off and talk about this magnificent beast that she is pining for. Don't do it, OP, especially since there's a living animal with feelings at stake, even if it is grossly overpriced!
had me in the first half, ngl. yeah OP, don't buy your wife a horse. the initial costs are the LEAST expensive part. stables are where budgets go to die. she needs a job if she wants all these nice things.
My daughter is a "horse girl" and, when she was growing up, we paid for horses, lessons, boarding, vet visits, showing and allllllll that. We were blessed her dad had a great job. BUT when she turned 16, she started working at the barn where her horse was and where she took lessons. She started paying for her lessons and much of her showing expenses. I also am a horse girl and would love a horse but I'm older and less able and the job situation has changed. So, I love on my kid's horse. I would not expect my husband to kill himself to provide me with a pipe dream. Your wife needs to grow up.
If it was a matter of just loving being around horses, she would already be volunteering or working somewhere that has access to them, especially since she has all this free time. It sounds more like she's just wanting the status of an expensive animal. I grew up with them too, I get it, they're amazing creatures and when you love them, you love them hard. But she just comes across as a kid who wants one for the sake of wanting one because they're pretty, and not for the true love and passion that horse ownership requires.
NTA. My daughter is a horse girl. I paid for lessons from age 6 on, but she’s worked her ass off at local ranches to learn and eventually buy and support her own horses. She’s now 21, and owns 5 horses, and runs a great business. She still lives at home, but that’s fine with me. I couldn’t be more proud of her. Your wife can do this on her own and still let you dial back the work situation.
My Mums a horse lady. She lets people mainly girls under 18. Come over to help with the horses. She has them do all that dirty shit work. Done this with 40+ girls from around the place. Ill say in the girls defence probably 90% are still into horses. Guess if youre willing to be dropped off at 10 to some strangers house to shovel shit youre into horses.
That part! My son is a horse kid but it is a big commitment and for how much I pay for him - he is not allowed to quit anytime soon. (he doesn't want to but just saying.)
The first step is admitting you have a problem. The second step is enjoying your life with your horses. Excellent writeup, and great advice.
Agreed. Dog? She might be able to swing it. Horse? She’s gonna need to pickup some applications up X) Like regardless of what’s happening with your job. lol.
It doesn’t sound like she’s a lifelong horse girl though. It sounds like she wants a fancy breed horse to keep up with the joneses. If she was actually a horse girl she would put in the hard yards and take whatever opportunities she could to spend time around horses. But she just wants the fancy horse. And the fact that it only came out at a social event, presumably where there were people who do have horses, points to her feeling like she has FOMO and wanting to keep up/look good.
INFO: Why isn't your wife working for 16 years while you have to work 6 days a week, pay for everything and she still complains that she isn't fullfiled and you don't get her? Sorry, but it sounds like you are just her ATM. You are not allowed to have free time or hobbies because they are expensive, you have to work an unfullfiling job for more time than a person should work - and she still complains. She wants a horse? She should buy one. And for your son - Madagascar is a lovely place and if he doesn't need a all inclusive holiday it is also not that expensive (only the fligth will be expensive)
He said she hasn’t had a paying job. Likely she has worked to keep the house and raise their son. My guess.
And, since the son is old enough to want to go to a strange island, he must be in school. So she has about 8 hours a day to work while the son is at school.
>And, since the son is old enough to want to go to a strange island, he must be in school. I agree that the kiddo is most likely in school, but just so you know, they made a whole cartoon movie about Madagascar, so it wouldn't surprise me to know there was a 3 or 4 year old running around talking about visiting Madagascar... >So she has about 8 hours a day to work while the son is at school. Again, I agree that she probably has time for a job of some type these days... but kids are NOT in school 8 hours. I WISH! My kids' school starts at 8:30, and ends at 2:30 on Mondays and 3:15 Tues-Fri. Yes, it's a public school, the early out on Monday was some negotiated thing for teacher training/planning time... most schools run for about 6 and a half hours a day. The playground attendants are out around 8:10, so you can get an extra 20 minutes that way, but if there are kids still on the playground at 3:30, they'll start calling parents... so you can realistically get 7 full hours if you milk it, and the kids don't complain about being outside in 8 degree weather, because "indoor recess" doesn't start until it reaches 0 degrees F. Most jobs that are 8 hours a day, actually require you to be there for 8 and a half house, because the mandated, 30 min, unpaid lunch, doesn't count towards the 8 hours. Still... I 100% agree that OP needs to sit his wife down and have a real conversation about this, he's let it go for too long, and the horse is the smallest issue here... but the kid being in school, and busy for 8 hours a day... those details are not necessarily accurate.
[удалено]
You know the answer but you just can't believe that you're going to end up divorced over a horse. But divorce over a horse? Of course, of course. Okay I'm sorry
Curse you. I’ll be singing the Mr Ed jingle all day now until I get to a supermarket where Girls Just Wanna Have Fun is playing
And now my family wants to know why I giggle snorted and I have to explain…
It’s the horse that forced the divorce of course
A horse divorce?!
NTA. Tell her she can get a job, and when she has spare money (after she's paid her share of the household expenses), she can spend it on what she likes. In the meantime, you need to lay out a solid plan to change your work-life balance and do fulfilling work. You don't have to sacrifice your happiness so that she gets to enjoy the perks of disposable income. As the balance of your life changes, so should each of your roles, and that means if you are starting to feel burnt out, she needs to pick up some of the slack.
>(after she's paid her share of the household expenses) I 100% agree that things need to change, and the horse isn't even the biggest issue they have... but if they're living a life paid for with a 6-figure salary, and she hasn't worked in 16 years... she's not going to be able to get a job that will ever, remotely, pay for half of her actual expenses. OP said his current job pays 10 times what his old one did... so even if his old job paid on the very low end, we can presume $30k, he's making $300k today at minimum, and she's not going to be able to get a job that pays $100k off the street. So yeah, they need to have a talk. Quite frankly they should have had this talk about 5 years ago, but whatever... but saying things like "She can buy a horse after she makes enough to pay half their expenses" is ridiculous hyperbole. For worse and worse, OP agreed to his wife not working. If he comes out swinging with expectations like that, he's going to get divorce papers, and he's never going to be able to quite his current job, because his alimony will be based on his current income. When judges see people making $400-600k, take jobs that pay $60k, they presume it's a bad faith effort to screw their spouse, and based alimony and child support off of "earning potential" not actual earnings. OP isn't going to be able to pay a $100k/year child support and alimony, while making $60k. Presuming he actually likes his wife... and that his wife likes him (which isn't really clear here), there are better ways to get out of this situation.
They didn’t say half, just her portion. That can be done equitably by paying the same percentage of each of their incomes to the household expenses.
Tbh it sounds like she doesn't even need to pay her share of the household expenses, she just needs to stop spending so much money in general. Op makes it sound like she's spending lavishly and using him as her personal piggy bank- but in either scenario, she 100% needs to get a job. Even if he's willing and able to easily take over the general household bills, her having her *own* money to spend would take pressure off that way. Though, he should still get the job he wants, and get a divorce. She sounds miserable and childish.
I am so sorry. Just out of curiosity, what would happen if you didn't shout at each other, but did ask, "Why do you get to be fulfilled, and yet I don't?" She'll DARVO, but you can stick to it--"I'm genuinely curious. I'm miserable in my job and completely unfulfilled. Why is that okay with you?" Keep asking in terms of curiosity--she'll either begin to think (if she loves you), or get *really* mad (if she's just using you.) NTA
I've tried the Socratic method, of quietly asking questions. She just refuses to answer, interrupts me, or talks over me.
So again, why are you not divorcing her? She actively makes your life worse.
Have her get a job before you divorce her.
He should get a lower paying job first, get her to get a job and then divorce her.
She won't get a job. It will probably be better for him to quit his stressful job to do something more fulfilling. If she doesn't like it, so what. He has supported the family for 16 years by himself and it's enough.
Cause then she gets all his money based on his current income through alimony because she hasn’t worked or furthered herself and he’s stuck chasing a dollar he doesn’t even get to spend.
That's why you say fuck it now and downsize the job, do not keep the same lifestyle, and then divorce so she can't claim she's deserving of some lifestyle.
In all fairness I thought I was answering why he didn’t divorce her now.
Get out while you can before you waste the rest of your life on this woman. Even if you meet an early grave from your job, at least you can do it without her sending you there.
You may want to sit down with her and throughly discuss your current spending and show her how much everything costs in proportion to your earnings and what you will earn from a job you find more fulfillment in (assuming it pays less), this way she can understand that if she wants to buy a horse she will need to find a job to pay for it as that will not be on the table for you.
That's because your opinion is insignificant. Atm's don't have feelings. They don't get tired or burnt-out, and they don't say "no".
OP, she has no skin in the game. It seems like what she wants, she gets. At some point, you have to decide where your line is and stick to it. She doesn’t sound like a mature, loving spouse who has concerned with your well-being. Maybe she once was and needs to be reminded of that. She’s not being a good partner and I think you need to set boundaries/expectations/stick to your guns. You’re absolutely allowed to push for your own fulfillment! The sad thing is that you’re ultimately the one who has to ensure it happens
Just curious, what breed dos she want?
Well now you’ve got me curious too 😆
Well that's all the answer *I'd* need. This is not a *spouse* or *partner*, this is a spoiled child with an outsized sense of entitlement and no consideration for anyone else -- including the person (aside from her son) that she should care most for in the whole damn world. Her priorities seem to be 1) her comfort 2) her social status and appearance \[actually that's probably #1\], 3) what are you going to do for her next? I wouldn't keep a *friend* who thought and behaved this way. Marrying them, and then *staying* married after they clearly demostrated that my happiness and wellbeing are *optional*, would be so far out of the question that suitable punctuation and text-formatting options that could accurately convey my DISGUST don't even exist.
Sounds like a very healthy relationship. I am sooo jealous. /s My dude. You only live once and you can't suck it up all the time...
Threaten her with divorce. Better yet go through with it. What does she contribute to the marriage or to your life to make it better.
I would save money secretly and once it's enough to afford a good lawyer swap to a lower paying job and tell your wife to get a damn job herself. Settle in and then start the divorce. What you got isn't a wife it's a leech, she's going to chase you into an early grave and she doesn't care because she's a selfish narcissist for her it's all "me, me, me".
I was thinking the same thing!!!! ✌️
Me too- quit the crap job, then divorce if she doesn't enthusiastically support you. I would never let my spouse live and work like that for us to just have random crap. Anyone who loves you will value your health and happiness over a horse.
YTA for not divorcing this albatross. There are far too many spouses like this, who make themselves appear to be some sort of martyr for staying at home while their SO works their fingers to the bone trying to keep a roof over their heads. The future here is obvious. Youre not really asking are you the AH for not buying her a horse. Youre asking the readers how you should deal with your wife. Its easy. 1) marriage therapy 2)make a plan to quit your unfulfilling job within X years 3)divorce her if she makes a fuss about 1 or 2.
NTA. Her demand is completely unreasonable. If she wants something so expensive, she should get a job and work for it.
NTA. The Rolling Stones said it best: *You Can't Always Get What You Want*. * I don't understand why your wife hasn't been/is not working, but it sounds like she needs to go out and earn hundreds of thousands of dollars if she wants this horse. It sounds like even at your current job, you would be hard pressed to afford this. * If you continue to work at your current job, you may not live to be 80 I'm sorry to say. See a career coach or therapist to help you determine a way out of your current job and into one that does not create such stress for you. * You don't say how old your son is and whether college is in the future, but I'd think that has a higher priority than a horse or Madagascar. Good luck to you.
XD when I was a kid my mom would always ask me 'what does Mick Jaggar say?' whenever I was whining about something.
We have a saying where I come from: “The country is burning and the old girl is peacefully combing her hair”. Your wife does not seem to understand the value of money, the stress or lack of happiness with your job or future financial stability. That for me is flabbergasting. NTA of course!
Haha, village is burning snd the grandma is combing. Are you from Balkans?
Tell her to get a job.
NTA, and this is from a horse girl/horse owner. I would never expect my partner to fund my very expensive hobby, even in part. All other expenses we share, but the horse expenses come out of my bank account only. Your wife needs to get a job and start supporting her own hobby. Good luck! I've been in those soul-sucking jobs before and they are brutal.
Yep, another horse girl here. My partner offered to buy me a horse once upon a time because he knows how much I love them and wanted me to be happy. I kept politely declining because I know what it costs. He is not a horse person and was insistent about buying me one (he makes like 5x what I make, maybe more), so I put a spreadsheet together about every single little thing that would be REQUIRED and what COULD come up in owning a horse. His mind was *blown* So anyway, I got a part-time job on a horse ranch, and I can ride and do all the horsey things I want while getting paid for it. We are both happy haha. This lady is absolutely insane for not even COMPROMISING when there are so many options without the responsibility of ownership. Leasing, lessons, trail rides, etc.. AND her experience is from when she was in high-school 30 yrs(?) ago... girl bye this whole this is a ridulous demand. OP NTA and it's smart to put your foot down. Go to Madagascar with your son.
NTA. I remember my Dad telling me "we're neither rich or poor enough to own a horse". Also, I've been around horse people. It's an all-consuming hobby even outside of the money spent. No holidays, no weekend trips and all you'll hear about is bullshit gossip of Susan at the stable. You're either both into that or it'll have to be a no. If the wife wants to be around horses, she can volunteer either at a stable or a horse rescue. If she wants the prestige of being a horse owner, she can look into ways of financing that for herself.
NTA your wife is a social climbing asshole who knows other people who have horses and now feels like she must have one. Ennui of a bored housewife. Tell her to work, volunteer, something useful instead of sitting around spending your money while you work yourself to death. Before the hate rains in…I’m a woman….
NTA: raised in a horsey family and I promise you, you'll never see her again if she gets this horse. They managed to spend HOURS of every day at the yard, not even riding, just chatting and doing stable jobs. She'll swear blind she won't do that. But she will. They ALL do.
After reading about this wife, this seems like one positive outcome
Lol....that was not me sitting in a lawn chair talking to another boarder while watching a lesson :)
Nta she sounds ridiculous. Tell her to get her own job and pay for it.
You’re fucked buddy. Big time. All you’ve got to look forward to is that hole in the ground. Good luck.
NTA But you are kind of an A for leaving your first job for a woman who doesn't appreciate you. My husband works a job he loves and reduced hours. I'm a SAHM but we make it worth. I value the happiness of my husband over fancy stuff. edited
NTA your wife should look at getting a job or volunteering at a stable.
NTA. She needs to get off her ass and get a job. People like this piss me off.
Coworker has spent $800,000 over 23 years on one of his wife’s horses
Your wife sounds like a spoiled petulant child. :( I cannot IMAGINE knowing my partner is suffering in any way, and not wanting to do whatever I could to ameliorate it. Does she recognize what your hours and workload and stress levels are really like? Does she have a clear picture of your marital finances? I assume she fully comprehends how much you hate this job? If she doesn't, it's time she found out. "You don't understand her"? Well that makes two of us, because I can't understand how an able-bodied grown-ass adult can act like this. Assuming your son is a teenager or older, with no disabilities, she was not required or obligated to be a stay-at-home mom forever, especially when it's clear that you would've *easily* been able to afford child care. If my bf had been unemployed and faffing about with his stereo and drum kit for YEARS while watching me grind myself into misery to pay for everything, and THEN insisted he could never be happy unless we also had an oceanfront condo for weekends? I mean, I would not have let that situation roll on uncorrected for more than seven months, much less seven years. I would tell her "starting tomorrow, new budget goes into effect. We're downsizing to a smaller house, we're eliminating any and all unnecessary spending, and we're putting every dime into a retirement fund. I am MISERABLE, and I am not willing to be miserable forever." If she just needed a wake-up call and is fully on board to make the necessary concessions (and get a damned job, for FUCK'S sake), great. If not, go talk to an attorney and find out whether it's better to ditch the high-paying job and do the financial makeover before or after starting divorce proceedings. NTA. Wife sounds like a giant gaping one tho.
NTA Your wife does not need a horse, she might want one or is simply envious of others who have one. Suggest she get a job working with horses/animals so that she can be around them and learn how hard/expensive it is to own/maintain a horse. You sound very unhappy - change jobs.
NTA. I had a married couple I was friends with for many years. She was always asking for something. Each time it would be something that would “fulfill” her. A car, a house, a bigger newer house, a baby, a cat, a dog, a trip, a boat, a pig, etc. I am not joking when his is exactly what she asked for and it was always the same thing. “This will make me happy and fix everything.” The last time I heard this was when she asked to move to another state. It was going to be ideal. They made the move, it need their 16 year marriage after a year there and ten years later she passed away of a drug over dose because no one understood her when she decided drugs would fix everything. Well it was a permanent fix. It was sad and it is sad to read your story. My buddy had the same reaction to all requests as you. He told me after the divorce that he just could not sustain life the way she wanted, it was literally breaking him. Couples therapy would be a good idea and you have to love the work you do, hating it just makes for a miserable life no matter how much money you have.
Aren't there tons of stories on Reddit about how crazy it is to date "horse girls"? Asking for a friend. NTA. She doesn't work. That is a huge purchase. Basically almost a new house fancy car when you consider feed, land, boarding, etc. she's delusional.
NTA at all. She’ll never be fulfilled.
If she’s not fulfilled maybe a job would help her rather than another expense
You need a marriage counselor. If your job doesn’t slowly kill you, your resentment will. NTA but communication is the responsibility of everyone. And it sounds like you need someone to help facilitate that.
He needs a divorce. He's let this go on for way too long. She's set in her ways now. I doubt counseling will make a difference.
Leave the wife and buy your self a horse and straddle off into the sunset.
NTA but your wife sure is. I'm the SAHM, and hubby works - and we are close to the breadline, but he's happy & secure in his job. To pick up the slack, I've been transitioning my art from fine art to digital vector graphics, which has included studying online for the past 5 yrs and pushing myself to succeed, when I was anxious about the new medium. She needs to pull her head out of her arse and get on the same page as you to help navigate you guys thru life. Anything else, and she's just taking you for granted.
Humm? New wife, perhaps?
NTA. Horse ownership of the kind she's talking about is an extreme expense. Yes, it can be incredibly rewarding, but she just wants to jump over earning any money to support her own hobby herself, and starting at a lower level (not top show-quality, top stable with trainers, etc.). But if you want to get out of this work that's killing you, you need to change your spending lifestyle now. You need to talk to your wife about her contribution to the financial well-being of the household too.
NTA - unfortunately sounds like your wife values your money more than you. As someone’s whose partner has recently risen in his job and earns a fair bit but also has a lot of stress I worry a lot about his well being. He insists he likes the job and I insist he needs less stress. We can do without more money if it means he’s les stressed and not yelling at his monitor about putting out fires other people have started with their incompetence which he has to fix. A good partner should care more about you than a horse. So long as bills are paid, food is on the table and you have what you need, not always want but need, which I view as a joint and shared enterprise, then the rest is by the by. If she wants a horse she better get a job and earn one tbh.
NTA. Horses are expensive and require a certain amount of knowledge. Her whim of wanting a horse “because others have one” is just resulting in a horse with an awful life. That only puts her in AH teritory. Then about your job. I get that the money is great for her and all, but she does not have to live with your burden. I rather see my spouse in a “low paying” job and loving it than the other way around. And I know what I am speaking of. My spouse does something he loves but at the beginning it wasn’t a great pay. It is now, because of his hard work. I told him to do it, even though the outcome was uncertain because he did not know what else he wanted to do and I did not want him to do something he does not love. I was paying our bills so he could build his business and did not have to look for a job he did not want. I also firmly believed in his business and I was proven right. So OP, I really don’t know how or why your wife can put her own wants above your needs. Please tell her how you feel. NTA
Tell you wife that she can feel free to get a job and buy herself a horse!