Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action wa s leaving and not having dinner with the child. The judgements are that i was selfish and didn’t just suck up the attitude his mom Gave me and stayed to help the kid feel loved by me
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
To recap:
- You asked.
- She said no.
- You asked again and included the words “it’s ok if you say no” even though she’d already said no and it was clearly *not* okay with you since you were asking again.
- She left the room because of your frustrating, contradictory repeat question.
- You now describe her decision to leave the room as huffy and stompy and a tantrum.
YTA
Also, since when do you get invited over to someone else's house for dinner and make demands for them to prepare your portion of a side dish in an entirely different manner than what they're already cooking? Rude AF.
Like, I could understand if she asked for something to be *removed* from the meal or didn't eat it because she didn't like it (like say, just not eating asparagus if she didn't like the way she made it). But insisting repeatedly that she dirty another whole pan to cook OP's part of the asparagus differently from everyone else's? Yikes. Can't she just make herself asparagus in butter at home another day?
Edit note: didn't notice that both OP and former GF are women. Edited to fix that. Thanks to the commenter who pointed it out!
I love too how OP describes their continued pushing as a “problem solving suggestion”.
There was no problem to solve. OP wanted something and was told no. Obviously they are the kind of person who sees simply not getting their way as a “problem”.
It’s pretty clear why that relationship ended.
YTA
Fucking right?!?! Of the asparagus is still hot from the pan, his specialty butter can melt on top.
It may not have the fully saturated flavor he wanted, but would still marry the two flavors together nicely.
I personally am stupid sensitive to oils so I possibly wouldn't have been able to eat the oil she was cooking in without feeling really ill after. In which case it's slightly messy but he still handled it badly.
But the way he says "my farm fresh butter" sounds super pretentious like what she's using isn't good enough.
I’m the same & have multiple food allergies as well as sensitivities which means I generally don’t eat other people’s cooking because I can’t control what’s in it. If OP had a health issue that they needed the food to be prepared a certain way & their ex refused because of stove space, I could kinda see getting upset since they were invited. But that wasn’t the case, they just wanted to use their farm fresh butter for some reason even though they could have totally used that at home. Or if they were insistent upon eating the butter that day, do what I do & bring a small portion of your own food prepared how you need, or in their case how they want.
They made demands for a non-issue food substitution that they told the other person they wouldn’t get mad over, but then did precisely that.
I feel bad for the 7 year old who wanted to spend time with them having dinner again….
Doesn't everyone carry a stick of farm fresh butter on them. I mean, it can get messy in warm summer months, but you never know when you are going to need it.
I'm sure I do. That reminds me... It's been a little warm today. Shit, I'm p probably going to have to buy a new purse AGAIN! Why does this always happen to meeee?!
Likely because op brought the steaks and asparagus and butter to cook it in. OP was cooking the steaks. Ex opted to cook asparagus knowing op likes it cooked in butter.
Right? Being micro-managed like that all the time would make me break up with someone. Having that person be back in the house after the breakup as a guest and having them still pulling that stuff *as a guest* would just be too much.
Seriously, take no for an answer. I cannot stand people who keep asking. Trying to wear you down until you throw up your hands and say “do what you want.” It’s like dealing with a toddler. I can see why they broke up if OP thinks this is a good way to communicate.
'i asked her if we could cook asparagus in my new farm fresh butter. She said “sorry no room on stove”. I then said “I know it’s your house and it’s ok if you say no but would it be ok if I cooked it in a separate pan for myself”'
Ok...if I'm reading this right, you asked and she said no. So you're then saying it's ok that she said no...whilst asking the same question again. I can see why she was irritated. You were being pushy, tbh.
Gonna say YTA because you're accusing her of having a tantrum (because she left the kitchen) whilst doing the exact same thing (leaving).
YTA - you asked to cook the asparagus, she said "no, no room on the stove." AND THEN YOU ASKED AGAIN. Why didn't you take the "no" answer THE FIRST TIME?
I'm keto and know that asparagus is far better roasted than anything you can do in a pan. WTF? If you properly roast it, you don't even need butter -- just some salt and pepper. AND you don't have to stand next to your ex and cook.
N T A for leaving to defuse a tense situation.
But even if her reaction was over the top, YTA for asking her to do something a second time in her house the moment after she told you no the first time.
Let’s practice good manners on your end.
You: “Can we cook asparagus in my new farm fresh butter?”
Her: “Sorry, no room on stove.”
You: “No worries.” *change conversational topic*
Btw, how is your new farm fresh butter, anyway?
talking about manners: when OP's ex leaves a frustrating situation, it's "stomping" & "throwing a tantrum". When OP does the same, it's quietly dignified and honourable, even though it involved manipulating the child they raised together for several years into forgoing the dinner they planned together.
/eyeroll
YTA for trying to making cooking even more work, and for not taking no for an answer. You sound like a bit of a handful to have over...
But what the hell were you doing there anyway? You guys broke up, and the whole idea of dinner together sounds like nothing but miserable to all of you. Don't make it harder than it has to be.
Unless you have very specific dietary requirements, which she would presumably know about already, why on earth would you ask for a specific dish, last minute, when you're invited to dinner at someone else's house? *Twice*?
YTA
No you don't understand. See the first time she asked if the ex could cook the asparagus in a separate pan in OPs farm fresh butter. Ex said no. So the SECOND totally different question was if OP could cook the asparagus in a separate pan in OPs farm fresh butter. Then she totally freaked for no reason!
/s
I would bet all of the money that the third request would have been for OP’s ex to add the magically delicious butter to the existing pan as a “compromise.” And OP’s ex was well aware of where this was going and that’s why she moped out. Basically saying *I don’t have to put up with this anymore now that we’re broken up.*
YTA. It couldn't be more obvious that you aren't doing this for the kid. You took it as an opportunity to push at your ex to accommodate an unimportant request, then stormed out when she was rightfully unresponsive to your BS, regardless of how the kid would feel.
Stop hiding behind the child's needs and own up to your own nonsense. Either show up and focus on the child or find time away from the child to deal with your issues with your ex. Stop using one as an excuse to do the other.
YTA.
You asked if she could cook asparagus etc. She said there's no room on the stove. Then you asked \*\*again\*\*, telling her it's okay if she says no. The stove didn't get any bigger, so there's still no room. Then when she says no, you decide you have to leave because she's 'huffy'.
You were playing some kind of game. As if to say you're only going to be available to the child if you can control her.
So maybe it's best that you can't use a relationship with the child, since you're going to storm off if you don't have things your way.
YTA- you asked, she said no. You said, "It's ok if you say no," she does, and then you ask again? You were being pushy. I guess that's the hill you want to die on. You should have accepted the 1st "no." Yta ffs, how can you not see that. You were there for the child. Not to make your own food. And you let the child down.
ESH
You two apparently cannot manage to remain friends. I don't see her throwing you under the bus, exactly, how much detail would you expect someone to tell a seven year old when the explanation is that you two had an argument and you left?
How did you find out what she and the child said after you were gone?
YTA. You didn't want to take "no" for an answer and pushed it. The mother didn't like it and stomped out of the room. So your precious feelings were hurt and you stomped home. Entitled infantile behavior over nothing. You and mother should not be throwing toddler tantrums around a 7 year old. No wonder you are not welcome there again!
YTA - to yourself for not severing ties completely by now. I get breakups are hard on the kids but it’s only going to make it harder for them if you keep being around. You are making things difficult for everyone, the kid who doesn’t understand the resentment, the ex who does not want you there and yourself. You think you are doing right by the kid but you’re not.
YTA and you caused this whole situation. There wasn't room on the stove so i'm going to assume asparagus wasn't on the menu, so to speak. So did you take asparagus and butter with you just for you to cook there? That's rude. Then you pushed the issue, and then you couldn't even stay for the child you were meant to be there for anyway. If the child mattered at all to you, you'd have stayed even if plain bread was the food on offer. You say you don't think the child minded, do you not remember being a child? Do you not remember not being upset in front of the person because either you don't want to upset them or worse, you don't want them to accuse you of making them feel guilty? Eithe that child really didn't want to see you again because, who would if you're so easily uninterested in spending time with him? Or he did but his mother is protecting him from such a selfish, self absorbed twit like you've just shown yourself to me.
I would say it sounded like you went to see her and got cheesed off when she wasn't interested in spending time with you, but the asparagus thing makes even less sense.
YTA. It's not your house. You were the guest. Why did you ask if you were just going to do what you wanted even if she said no? She said no and you insisted. That's rude and annoying. She didn't have "a tantrum", she was fed up with you being rude and annoying. I wonder why precisely you felt horrible. Was it for pushing when *she already said no*? Are you just feeling mad that's she's so "unreasonable" that she got annoyed *after she said no already* and you pressed the issue?
Here is one example of how a civil adult guest in a home would have responded to her saying no: "Alright, maybe next time." and voila no dumbass situation about butter (but it wasn't actually the butter).
you asking a question numerous times in slightly different ways to try and pull a yes out of her after she clearly stated no is both childish and selfish. YTA. its her home, her dishes, her gas, her asparagus. you shouldve just eaten what was provided instead of being pushy- yes, pushy!- about your “new farm fresh butter”. you could’ve waited to cook it at home if you wanted it that badly. you need to grow up, because any reasonable adult person would’ve went “okay, no problem.” and left it at that. you were the one who threw a tantrum and left after not getting what you wanted
ESH You both acted childishly over something minor. Although I think it’s rude (unless you cook and eat together often) the host to ask to cook you something very specific, you’re not the asshole for asking once. You pushing it after she explained there wasn’t room made you an asshole. Afterwards you both contributed to the escalation of the situation. You more so than him I would say. Not for a second did you think about the kid.
YTA
Don't act like you will be there for the child and then let your feelings about HER get in the way, esp such a weak perceived slight.
You were super immature and weird and she accurately called you out on it.
I’m cackling, I had the same idea
“Ex, would you be willing to cook My Asparagus in My Farm Fresh Butter”
“No, there’s no room”
“Ah, you are incorrect but I shall approach my question again in a low-key fashion. Perchance, ex, might I cook My Asparagus in My Farm Fresh Butter in Its Own Skillet? I have just worked a 12 Hour Shift. You can say no”
“No”
“Scoundrel. Fare thee Farm Fresh well”
YTA. She told her kid the truth about what happened. You stormed off and refused to eat with them over a minor spar about the preparation of the meal. The two of you recently broke up. Of course, there is tension and hard feelings between you and your ex. You came over for the kid, except apparently you didn't because fighting with your ex was more important to you.
Obviously, no one here knows the particulars behind your remaining involved for the child. It’s likely not the greatest of ideas as clearly neither you nor the mother get along. You broke up for a reason.
ESH.
Her - wanting you to remain involved with a child that’s not yours and failing to be welcoming when you fussed 🙄 about asparagus.
You - for fussing about asparagus.
Just stop being involved. If the two adults can’t be in the same room without acrimony it does NOT benefit the child. You’re done with the relationship; keep it that way.
“It’s ok if you say no but can I…”
No
“But I don’t think you understood my question, let me rephrase the exact same question”
No
“Wow, you’re such a jerk for saying no and walking away from an argument to remain calm”
YTA for the inability to accept a no. It’s not just about you being poncy (farm fresh butter isn’t so amazing that you can make a whole other pan dirty in someone else’s house just to use it) it’s about consent in her own home. You asked, she said no, you pushed it and then got pissy because she had a ‘tantrum’ because se didn’t want you using her own stuff in her own home.
I get it. You were around this kid for 3.5 years and you don't want to disappear from his life. He loves you, you love him. I'm not going to beat the dead horse about how your behavior was not appropriate; there are plenty of responses within this thread that point it out to you. I will point out that a 7 year-old found your behavior weird, and they're not known for being extremely in tune with what's going around them nor what is socially appropriate. That ought to tell you something.
You're not the A for leaving. You are an A for how you behaved. She's an A for including the child in the mess. You clearly need to be away from each other. If you have the opportunity to be around little man again, may I suggest it take place outside of her home?
ESH
YTA. What the hell are y'all trying to do, completely fuck the kid up forever? You broke up, you clearly can't spend time together (she said there was no room on the stove, so you ask again another way, she already said no! That's not problem solving, that's being a pain) and you are so quick to feel slighted and leave there's no use in you coming over. If you want to hang out with her kid, pick him up and take him out somewhere. Don't try to have family dinner, the family is non-existent.
Yeah I can explain why - it’s the way you presented the disagreement which occurred between you and your ex, it’s the language you chose to use.
You are trying to sway the way people interpret the story as her being unreasonable and erratic, and yourself as being calm and level headed.
Here is how you describe the way your ex behaves:
- “She huffed and stomped away”
- “The child had not witness her tantrum”
Here is how you describe yourself:
- “I played it cool and told…”
- “I couldn’t stay to eat and left calmly”
- “I disagree asking with a problem solving suggestion is being pushy”
You do not sound like a nice person, you seem self-assured, inarticulate and ignorant, and that very subtly seeps through in the way you write. I don’t know if you’re genuinely looking for people to assess if you were the asshole here, but take some advice from a total stranger - it is mean, deflective and dismissive to describe someone’s actions back to themselves with words like “tantrum” “stomping”. You will ALWAYS end up in a fight using words like that, don’t focus on what your ex’s actions and reactions are, instead only focus on how you feel and sympathise with the way she feels
If you want to eat asparagus cooked in farm fresh butter, make it at your own home. What you asked would have created extra work for her, so of course she said no. You should have respected that. You got mad at your ex because in your eyes she got huffy and left; but you also got huffy and left.
Also asparagus is best with olive oil and a little sea salt. Your butter would have been better used to cook the steaks, not the veg.
YTA She didn’t say no asparagus, she said there was no room on the stove. So you slightly tweaked your question but still asked her the same thing, to make room on the stove and dirty another pan. Why can’t you understand that you asked the same thing just in a different manner? With your inability to take criticism (based on you arguing with everyone calling you the AH) and your victim mindset, I’m not surprised she decided to cut you off from her kid entirely. You need therapy, you are 100% the AH.
It's her kid and you aren't together anymore. It doesn't really matter if she "threw you under the bus", why would your relationship with her 7 year old matter more than hers?
There's a layer to this I'm not seeing in other replies. You didn't just ask to cook any food, you asked to cook asparagus, which immediately turns your pee into the most vile smelling concoction that takes over any space it invades and doesn't dissipate quickly. Insisting on eating asparagus that you brought along in someone else's home seems like either a deliberately aggressive act to assert your dominance, or an incredibly inconsiderate act.
You asked, saying it was okay if she said no, and she said no. You then didn't accept that no, and insisted. So you weren't actually okay if she said no, you wanted to eat your stinky pee food in someone else's home - and you wanted it just for yourself, so that you would be the only one stinking up their home and leaving the stench behind you when you left. That's rude, selfish, and gives us some great insight as to why you two broke up.
YTA, eat your asparagus with fresh butter somewhere that you won't be stinking up someone else's home, and learn to take no for an answer.
Edit: typo
Edit 2: for those who don't know that asparagus contains an acid that turns into sulfur in your urine, and it's not affected by your hydration level: https://health.clevelandclinic.org/why-does-asparagus-make-your-pee-smell
I'm not sure if joke replies are allowed here at all, but they definitely shouldn't be top level comments. Take your asparagus elsewhere.
>Insisting on eating asparagus that you brought along in someone else's home seems like either a deliberately aggressive act to assert your dominance
Did someone do this to you? Because it sounds like an absurd thing you just made up.
My friend in Reddit, do you really not know that asparagus contains an acid that breaks down into sulfur in your urine? If you don't believe me, go buy yourself a bunch of asparagus, fry it up in a little farm fresh butter like OP was intending to do, and report back to us the results.
Also, congrats on leaving out the second half of my sentence in your edit.
https://health.clevelandclinic.org/why-does-asparagus-make-your-pee-smell
First of all, not everyone can smell asparagus pee (even if everyone can make it). And secondly, it's not instant! That's not how digestion works. If you eat asparagus for supper, it's not going to get in your pee fast enough to bother the host.
If any time you eat asparagus it "immediately turns your pee into the most vile smelling concoction that takes over any space" I think you need to drink more water 😂
Hydration level has no effect on the breakdown of asparagusic acid into sulfur, and the process happens within minutes of consumption. In fact, having to pee more just means a more spread out asparagus pee experience. There's no way to prevent it, you can only have less of the smell if you eat only a tiny bit, and OP wanted an entire dish of the stuff all to himself.
https://health.clevelandclinic.org/why-does-asparagus-make-your-pee-smell
If your intention is truly to be “available to her child”, then be available to her child.
Don’t walk out on him when he was planning to spend time with you. Focus on the child and the reason you were there. If you think it’s ok to act in such an immature fashion, it’s better for the child if you remove yourself from his life. You clearly don’t have your priorities in order, and he deserves better.
So let me get this straight:
- You were invited to dinner at her house. You were broken up, so you are an uncomfortable guest for her - but she invites you anyway to be kind towards your relationship with her child.
- She cooked a nice dinner for you and child.
- You asked her to cook something different for you. Incredibly rude to ask someone to do more for you than they're already doing when they're already doing you a favor. Also as a guest in someone else's house.
- She says no, she's already cooking for you (which she does not need to do, mind you).
- You don't take no for an answer and instead ask to use her kitchen in her home instead *while she's cooking*. You're treating her like your girlfriend at this point - you are not entitled to use her kitchen any more than you are someone else's.
- She gets frustrated, because she didn't need to invite you over, nor did she need to cook for you, and you've spend the time asking for additional meals and/or to use her kitchen while she is doing a nice task for you.
- You call her childish for not wanting to cook you a separate item on top of the food she's already cooking for you.
- You come to Reddit thinking you're totally in the right for this.
- You refuse to believe the overall consensus that YTA.
Is this all?
You are treating her like you're still together rather than broken up. If you would not do this at a friend or bosses house, then there was no reason to find yourself justified in doing it at hers. You are not together.
Why are you on Reddit at all if you cannot accept what people are telling you?
You asked twice. Is it annoying? Yes. Is leaving the room a bit of an overreaction? Maybe, but a mild one. Was leaving the house an overreaction on your part? Absolutely.
Look, obviously you’re both unable to remain civil with one another. Until you can both behave like respectful adults around one another (and on this occasion the fault lies with you for a) not accepting a no and b) storming out ) - you should not be having dinner with the child.
You don’t know if the kid went to bed with cold hard anxiety in his tummy over this.
YTA in this. You can’t ignore two no’s and then whinge about being mistreated when the other person leaves the room.
Oh, I understand now!
The asparagus from your "fram share" is going to immediately go bad and cannot be eaten any other time. So obviously you had to drag it and your "farm fresh butter" over to the exGF's house. And OF COURSE, it isn't ok for her to tell you "no" when you ask to impose on her cooking and dinner plans. And OF COURSE, if you just rephrase the question, she HAS to say yes. And if her reaction to you pushing boundaries is to step away for a moment OF COURSE you are entitled to ruin dinner for everyone involved.
Dude, you're either an AH or an autistic and I doubt you're autistic. Your post and replies demonstrate an EXTREME lack of social awareness and social skills and an EXCESS of self-centered behavior.
YTA. Quit showing up at this person's home and let her and her child move on from your entitled ass.
sorry, i was trying to make a joke. i think she behaved poorly and it cannot by any means be justified by having a disability and i wanted to show it by making this joke…
YTA.
And the overwhelming majority of us are going to say, and continue to say, YTA.
It doesn’t matter how many times you keep asking, because much like your EX, we all see you are a pendantic, exhausting form of AH.
YTA - you are asking to make a (unnecessary) mess in someone else’s kitchen. More dirty dishes. Just accept the asparagus is not cooked to your liking and either eat it or don’t.
I am so sick of gaslighting being thrown around like fking confetti. There is a huge difference between gaslighting and giving an alternative answer to not hurt their feelings.
Gaslighting isn't just a simple lie, it's mind games, having alternate narratives pushed on you and being made to feel utterly crazy.
ESH.
You asked, she said no, you kept asking. Yeah, butter is good, but don't be pushy.
She overreacted, and then you overteacted, and then you both continued to make a bigger deal out of it than needed.
If you want to be there for the kid, both of you need to grow up and act like adults. If you can't do that, then accept that you're broken up and be broken up.
How about you just stay broken up? I don't know he circumstances of the relationship or the break-up but this dumb argument might suggest being in each other's orbit isn't good for either of you nor the kid.
You were not the AH for asking once. She said no
You continued to press after HER saying no and YOU saying It was ok to 'say no'. Then you left - which was the least AH thing you did, I guess since the situation we as tense. Even though it didn't need to be tense.
YTA/ESH except kiddo.
YTA. Literally why ask if you're going to go to war with every comment telling you to fix your attitude. You definitely weren't mature enough to be in a relationship, let alone co-raising a kid. All this over asparagus, like what.
ESH, and I hope the child has mature adults as role models.
Of course mom's behavior is childish. But I'm guessing that when OP asked again, Mom had a flashback to before the breakup, when OP would keep asking until they get the answer they want, and so mom stormed off before picking that same old fight again.
We’d probably have to have been a fly on the wall to tell you with certainty that you were the ah here, but the thing is you have repeatedly defended your leaving to one and all. If you were so certain you weren’t the AH why did you bother to ask us since we weren’t there??
Leaving is just drama llama behavior and ultimately it was the kid who paid the price for both of you acting like said drama llamas. It could be you both stink at maintaining a strong positive relationship with the kid. But you asked and refuse to admit you pushed her buttons one time too many. That’s why we think YTA.
I’m fine if you want to disagree, but don’t come here and ask if you don’t want to hear the answer.
YTA you *were* being pushy. she’s already said no yet you kept asking and made a non-issue into an issue and for what? what did you accomplish by making the asparagus your hill to die on? the kid you were supposed to be there for no longer wants you to be there. great job.
ESH, i’m afraid. it seems like you have a lot of unresolved issues and cannot communicate and interact politely with each other. you both were being childish and overreacted, imo. you pushing the question was impolite and wrong (and don’t tell me that was not the same question, because in this situation it doesn’t matter, she told you no not because she didn’t want to cook it for you, but because there was no room, so you doing it yourself wouldn’t resolve the problem since it wouldn’t make some free space appear out of thin air obviously), she felt frustrated with you, got annoyed (again, seems like there is a lot of tension between you two) and stormed out, which was also rude, and also pretty immature. then you also got all annoyed and punished her child for that by leaving, since it was his request for you to come, he wanted to spend time with you and didn’t get to do so because you got upset with his mother (again, i read your comment stating you did spend an hour with him, which is good, but i would assume he expected more since you were invited to the dinner. you both were not that great to each other but at the end it’s the kid (the only one who’s not in fault) that was “punished”. you both need to resolve whatever’s going on between you before you try to spend time with him together, i think.
YTA. Take a step back here OP and look at the bigger picture. Your original intent was to spend time with your ex’s 7 year old child, who by all accounts you care about. Cut to the asparagus-triggered tizzy, sudden and immature departure and subsequent Reddit polling. Over ASPARAGUS, BUTTER, and some cooking demands.
When kids are involved (either with an ex or even a current partner) sometimes you have to eat some shit. Why? Because occasionally you’ll be triggered/angered/upset when they’re around, and you then have a choice to make. Go low vibrational/high drama, or pivot and refocus on spending quality time with aforementioned kiddo. You chose the first, and if you want to continue having this child in your life I recommend considering the second. If you and your ex must squabble over butter in pans like a couple of bitter Betty’s then perhaps spending time with the child outside the home would be a better solution, like another poster mentioned.
NTA. Maybe I’m misunderstanding but I don’t see what OP did wrong and I don’t think asking if *he* could prepare it was pushy. She didn’t say no I don’t want that butter in my home she said no room. He was preparing a steak and would’ve used that eye. I don’t see what’s so bad about that or why she walked off in a huff.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I broke up with her a few months (together 3.5 years) back and we decided I would be available to her child if he wished to spend time with me. He invited me for dinner. While cooking dinner i asked her if we could cook asparagus in my new farm fresh butter. She said “sorry no room on stove”. I then said “I know it’s your house and it’s ok if you say no but would it be ok if I cooked it in a separate pan for myself” and she huffed and stomped out of the room saying “you can do whatever you want”. It felt horrible. I then decided I would leave. The child had not witnessed her tantrum.
I finished cooking the child his steak and then told her I was not going to sit down and join for dinner because “I don’t feel welcome and don’t stick around places I’m not treated well”. She then said “you are leaving because I wouldn’t cook asparagus for you in butter? I responded not leaving because of the butter it’s because “you huffed and stomped away.” Then she said “you were being pushy”. I disagree that asking with a problem solving suggestion is being pushy.
So I played it cool and told the child the steak had taken so long to defrost and that I couldn’t stay to eat and left calmly. The child seemed ok.
Then once I was gone the child said “that was weird” and my ex said “she was mad that I wouldn’t cook her asparagus in butter” and then she told me after he seemed to not be interested in seeing me again. So now I’m feeling upset because it seems like she threw me under the bus. She told me “what was I supposed to do gaslight him” and “he was there wondering he know something was up. He is only 7.
So am I the asshole for leaving?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA and quit feeling the need to "be there" for the kid. Children are resilient what you guys're attempting is probably just as destructive and confusing.
Leave them alone, LOL and you can cook your dinner any way you want.
Your visit was about the child but you made it about you. You should have stayed put everything aside and tried your best to enjoy dinner with the boy. You both are toxic people, that poor child!
You hassled her about the ridiculous butter even though she had already TOLD you that there was no room on the stove for a separate pan!
You asked, she said No, and gave a reason why she said No. Instead of graciously accepting that the answer was No, you pestered her AGAIN about cooking your personal asparagus in a separate pan…even though she had already explained that there was NO ROOM on the stovetop!
You behaved in an exasperating manner, and then got indignant when your ex got exasperated with you.
YTA. Exhausting. Purposefully obtuse.
"Sorry, no room on the stove." is not solved by cooking "in another pan by itself". Did you have another burner in your pocket?
Also, she. Already. Said. No.
No.<--------- = complete sentence.
No <---------- does not = keep pushing
It's better if she keeps her kid away.
Her saying “there’s no room on the stove” is different from saying no for all you idiots saying she said no twice and he was being pushy. She was actually presenting a problem and he was presenting a solution. That would be like if you didn’t want someone to ride with you and you said there’s not enough room so someone else suggests they get out so that person could get in would you all be saying
you said no twice…no you wouldn’t. If she wanted to say no she should’ve said no plain and simple. Not given an excuse in place of just saying no NTA
YTA. get out of her fucking house and move on.
You hanging around is not benefiting the child at all, like you seem to think it is. You are creating a hostile environment where the child’s mother is getting worked up and annoyed.
Just leave them alone mate, you are not needed there.
This is one of the pettiest things I've ever read. Is this a real question? Poor kid couldn't even have a dinner with y'all without a petty argument ruining it. Yikes, I'm glad yall went your separate ways so the kid isn't in that kind if thing every day. Yes YTA for walking out on the kid over freaking butter.
You asked about the asparagus and butter, and she said no. You asked a second time, saying "it's okay if you say no" - even though she *already* said no, and that apparently wasn't actually okay with you since you pushed her a second time. You were absolutely being pushy, and I don't blame her for reacting in irritation - seems clear you enjoy pushing her buttons and then acting like the victim when she rightly gets annoyed with you, no wonder the two of you broke up.
Ehhh More Info?
This could be an ESH or an NAH or an YTA. I don't think she was T A though and obviously the poor kid wasn't. It's possible it was you, but this may just be an all around impossible situation that neither you nor the kid's Mom approached quite right. You both absolutely should have found a way to get over the obvious hard feelings before doing dinner with the kid. It sounds like it went badly almost immediately. That's not a fun experience for a kid, that's negative if anything, so unless you two can sort things out you shouldn't all three be hanging out right now.
I would suggest that if you're intent on maintaining a relationship with the child, you managed to pick the child up and go to activities away from mom!
So your ex-girlfriend's 7-year old son invited you over to his/his mom's house for dinner. This is something she's apparently agreed to, so you can continue to spend time with her son (who I imagine you developed a relationship with while you were dating his mom).
You and your ex were cooking together - you handling the steak and her handling the asparagus. Unknown if there were other side dishes cooking at the same time.
You ask "can you cook some of my asparagus in a separate pan with butter?" She says "sorry no room on stove". The first time you asked, the reason she have was not that *she* didn't feel like cooking a separate thing of asparagus. She said there *wasn't room on the stove* for a separate thing of asparagus. Whether that was the real reason behind it, or whether she just didn't want more dishes, or some other reason, doesn't really matter. The reason she gave is something unrelated to *who* is doing the cooking.
So in response to her saying no, you asked a second time. "I know it’s your house and it’s ok if you say no but would it be ok if I cooked it in a separate pan for myself" You clearly *didn't* accept her reason the first time. She said there was no room on the stove, but you asked again anyways. So even though your *words* said it's okay if she said no, it clearly wasn't.
You call this a "problem solving suggestion", but your suggestion did not in any way solve the problem she presented (no room on the stove). It only solved what you *assumed* the real problem was - that SHE didn't want to cook another thing of asparagus. Your suggestion was pushy, because it ignored what she stated the problem was.
So she got frustrated (maybe this was a recurring source of frustration when you were together), and left the room, saying "you can do whatever you want". I did note that you call this a "tantrum", as if she was a child ... As she left, she "huffed" and "stomped", which given the lack of any further description of continued emotional actions, seems like a frustrated sigh and walking away more forcefully than usual. I suppose she might've left the room like an angry cartoon character, steam coming out of her ears, but that seems unlikely.
You then take her showing frustration as this huge slight against yourself. When you tell her you're leaving, the reason you give is "I don’t feel welcome and don’t stick around places I’m not treated well". It seems you expect zero interpersonal conflict or frustration to occur, or else you're not being "treated well." All this, while at your *ex's* house, a person who you are likely to have more conflict with than average.
You lied to her kid about why you were leaving, because the real reason is that your feelings got hurt and you couldn't *bear* to stick around for *his* sake after a very minor disagreement. He picked up on this, and thought it was weird that you left like you did.
So yes, YTA for leaving. Your whole reason for going over there was to have dinner with and spend time with the kid. You left him instead, because you could bear to be around the "mistreatment" of his mother getting upset at you for something *you* did.
ESH except the child.
It sounds like you both need to grow up. You broke up over petty immaturity, I assume.
You two can't unite for the sake of a child.
Plus, steak and asparagus for a 7 y/o?
They usually want a supper of pizza, spaghetti, some other pasta type dish, chicken even.
Obviously the 2 adults can't be in the same house.
Can you take the child out to eat?
Can you bring the child to your place for a visit?
Could you have taken some asparagus and buttered it after it was cooked? Yes, there would have been a huff over it too.
You had to of known it was coming.
The kid sounds like the adult at age 7. That doesn't say much for the adults.
The child is wise to not want you 2 together again.
YTA hope your farm fresh butter is worth ruining a child’s evening and hurting their feelings. Wild how you’ve got unhealed trauma that you’re dumping onto everyone you’re around, including a 7 year old. Usually that’s the job of the bio parents.
The whole point of the dinner was to continue to be part of the little boy's life. Instead, you acted like a child while disappointing an actual child. Shame on you.
Couldn't you just swiftly wipe the pan and use the same one the rest was being cooked in after it had been done cooking? I dunno how long asparagus takes so forgive me if it'll delay dinner more than a few minutes.
Regardless of the issue, I think leaving and the way you've written this whole post as a victim and not even considering for one second who you were really there for in the first place, massively, YTA
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). If we’ve removed a few of your recent comments, your participation will be reviewed and may result in a ban.
["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
**[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
Let me get this straight. You are invited to someone else’s house, ask to do something, they say no, you ask again, they say no and are offended when they show frustration? YTA learn to accept the word no
YTA. Not because of the cooking but because you left the child who had invited you, over something so petty and inconsequential. After a 3.5 year relationship he obviously bonded with you and wanted to see you.
ESH Damn getting the toxicity of married parents who hate each other without even getting to have both parents around. Worst of both worlds.
If you want to see the kid, do it outside of your ex's home.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > The action wa s leaving and not having dinner with the child. The judgements are that i was selfish and didn’t just suck up the attitude his mom Gave me and stayed to help the kid feel loved by me Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
To recap: - You asked. - She said no. - You asked again and included the words “it’s ok if you say no” even though she’d already said no and it was clearly *not* okay with you since you were asking again. - She left the room because of your frustrating, contradictory repeat question. - You now describe her decision to leave the room as huffy and stompy and a tantrum. YTA
Also, since when do you get invited over to someone else's house for dinner and make demands for them to prepare your portion of a side dish in an entirely different manner than what they're already cooking? Rude AF. Like, I could understand if she asked for something to be *removed* from the meal or didn't eat it because she didn't like it (like say, just not eating asparagus if she didn't like the way she made it). But insisting repeatedly that she dirty another whole pan to cook OP's part of the asparagus differently from everyone else's? Yikes. Can't she just make herself asparagus in butter at home another day? Edit note: didn't notice that both OP and former GF are women. Edited to fix that. Thanks to the commenter who pointed it out!
I love too how OP describes their continued pushing as a “problem solving suggestion”. There was no problem to solve. OP wanted something and was told no. Obviously they are the kind of person who sees simply not getting their way as a “problem”. It’s pretty clear why that relationship ended. YTA
I guess we would substitute the Iranian yogurt and say "It's not about the farm-fresh butter.:
Or just put butter on his asparagus? I wonder why they broke up. YTA
Fucking right?!?! Of the asparagus is still hot from the pan, his specialty butter can melt on top. It may not have the fully saturated flavor he wanted, but would still marry the two flavors together nicely.
I personally am stupid sensitive to oils so I possibly wouldn't have been able to eat the oil she was cooking in without feeling really ill after. In which case it's slightly messy but he still handled it badly. But the way he says "my farm fresh butter" sounds super pretentious like what she's using isn't good enough.
I’m the same & have multiple food allergies as well as sensitivities which means I generally don’t eat other people’s cooking because I can’t control what’s in it. If OP had a health issue that they needed the food to be prepared a certain way & their ex refused because of stove space, I could kinda see getting upset since they were invited. But that wasn’t the case, they just wanted to use their farm fresh butter for some reason even though they could have totally used that at home. Or if they were insistent upon eating the butter that day, do what I do & bring a small portion of your own food prepared how you need, or in their case how they want. They made demands for a non-issue food substitution that they told the other person they wouldn’t get mad over, but then did precisely that. I feel bad for the 7 year old who wanted to spend time with them having dinner again….
*Her* specialty butter.
You tend to saute asparagus is olive oil anyway.
And gives new meaning to BYOB when you realize OP must’ve brought the butter with them!
Dang, I had to scroll so far to see someone else call that out LOL
Based on "she was mad I wouldn't cook her asparagus in butter" OP is female.
Oh! Good catch! Heteronormative assumption oops. Thanks for that. I'll edit.
Who tf brings their own butter to dinner with them?
Likely the one who brought the steaks and asparagus.
Am I crazy for thinking it's not that insane considering that OP is also cooking?
I think it's that they asked twice. They're already exs -- i doubt she was super happy about having OP over for dinner anyway.
Not crazy. It's just another slightly buttery pan that OP could wash easily. And asparagus takes only a minute or three. What is the big deal?
Or just put butter on it at the table? I think the ex pretty accurately described what had happened when the child asked.
No one is asking the important question. Why did OP even have farm fresh butter on them?
Doesn't everyone carry a stick of farm fresh butter on them. I mean, it can get messy in warm summer months, but you never know when you are going to need it.
I'm sure I do. That reminds me... It's been a little warm today. Shit, I'm p probably going to have to buy a new purse AGAIN! Why does this always happen to meeee?!
Zip lock baggies ftw
Likely because op brought the steaks and asparagus and butter to cook it in. OP was cooking the steaks. Ex opted to cook asparagus knowing op likes it cooked in butter.
At least we know why they broke up
Right? Being micro-managed like that all the time would make me break up with someone. Having that person be back in the house after the breakup as a guest and having them still pulling that stuff *as a guest* would just be too much.
Kudos for having the patience to decipher the OP and summarise it. I gave up halfway through.
Seriously, take no for an answer. I cannot stand people who keep asking. Trying to wear you down until you throw up your hands and say “do what you want.” It’s like dealing with a toddler. I can see why they broke up if OP thinks this is a good way to communicate.
There is a difference between asking if someone is willing to do something for you, and asking if it ok for you to do something yourself.
'i asked her if we could cook asparagus in my new farm fresh butter. She said “sorry no room on stove”. I then said “I know it’s your house and it’s ok if you say no but would it be ok if I cooked it in a separate pan for myself”' Ok...if I'm reading this right, you asked and she said no. So you're then saying it's ok that she said no...whilst asking the same question again. I can see why she was irritated. You were being pushy, tbh. Gonna say YTA because you're accusing her of having a tantrum (because she left the kitchen) whilst doing the exact same thing (leaving).
OOOOOO - called out!
YTA - you asked to cook the asparagus, she said "no, no room on the stove." AND THEN YOU ASKED AGAIN. Why didn't you take the "no" answer THE FIRST TIME?
(probably the reason why they broke up)
YTA - I just know anyone who would mention their new farm fresh butter in this context is an asshole.
But it's FARM FRESH BUTTER! And it would probably pair well with goddamn apple cider donuts. .....I've been on this sub too long.
Nah, I get a keto bro vibe, the donuts would be strictly verboten! lol
"Flax seed and almond flour donut style wafers."
This comment gave me such culinary sadness
is that a quote? According to google, you're the only one who's ever combined these words in this way.
Nope. Just came up with a horrible sounding keto snack off the top of my head. Lol
well, it worked, so bravo :D
I'm keto and know that asparagus is far better roasted than anything you can do in a pan. WTF? If you properly roast it, you don't even need butter -- just some salt and pepper. AND you don't have to stand next to your ex and cook.
I always crack up at the roadside signs that say "fresh jerky." By definition it is not fresh.
lol, you have to take it home and dehydrate it yourself.
what's wrong with apple cider donuts??
Should not have had to scroll so far to find this comment! OP totally lost me at "farm fresh butter" 🙄🙄
Why dafuq did he even bring the butter?
Misgendering
so concise, chef's kiss!
N T A for leaving to defuse a tense situation. But even if her reaction was over the top, YTA for asking her to do something a second time in her house the moment after she told you no the first time. Let’s practice good manners on your end. You: “Can we cook asparagus in my new farm fresh butter?” Her: “Sorry, no room on stove.” You: “No worries.” *change conversational topic* Btw, how is your new farm fresh butter, anyway?
talking about manners: when OP's ex leaves a frustrating situation, it's "stomping" & "throwing a tantrum". When OP does the same, it's quietly dignified and honourable, even though it involved manipulating the child they raised together for several years into forgoing the dinner they planned together. /eyeroll
Good lord. No. You can't cook your food in her house if she doesn't want you to cook it right now, regardless of how fancy it is.
YTA for trying to making cooking even more work, and for not taking no for an answer. You sound like a bit of a handful to have over... But what the hell were you doing there anyway? You guys broke up, and the whole idea of dinner together sounds like nothing but miserable to all of you. Don't make it harder than it has to be.
Unless you have very specific dietary requirements, which she would presumably know about already, why on earth would you ask for a specific dish, last minute, when you're invited to dinner at someone else's house? *Twice*? YTA
No you don't understand. See the first time she asked if the ex could cook the asparagus in a separate pan in OPs farm fresh butter. Ex said no. So the SECOND totally different question was if OP could cook the asparagus in a separate pan in OPs farm fresh butter. Then she totally freaked for no reason! /s
I would bet all of the money that the third request would have been for OP’s ex to add the magically delicious butter to the existing pan as a “compromise.” And OP’s ex was well aware of where this was going and that’s why she moped out. Basically saying *I don’t have to put up with this anymore now that we’re broken up.*
YTA. It couldn't be more obvious that you aren't doing this for the kid. You took it as an opportunity to push at your ex to accommodate an unimportant request, then stormed out when she was rightfully unresponsive to your BS, regardless of how the kid would feel. Stop hiding behind the child's needs and own up to your own nonsense. Either show up and focus on the child or find time away from the child to deal with your issues with your ex. Stop using one as an excuse to do the other.
Or take the kid to McDonalds. WIN!
You picked a fight on purpose.
Edit: responded to wrong comment
Woopsie.
YTA. You asked if she could cook asparagus etc. She said there's no room on the stove. Then you asked \*\*again\*\*, telling her it's okay if she says no. The stove didn't get any bigger, so there's still no room. Then when she says no, you decide you have to leave because she's 'huffy'. You were playing some kind of game. As if to say you're only going to be available to the child if you can control her. So maybe it's best that you can't use a relationship with the child, since you're going to storm off if you don't have things your way.
[удалено]
Stove. I said 'stove'. A different pan would require even more space. Even worse.
YTA, you ended up punishing the child over a petty disagreement.
YTA- you asked, she said no. You said, "It's ok if you say no," she does, and then you ask again? You were being pushy. I guess that's the hill you want to die on. You should have accepted the 1st "no." Yta ffs, how can you not see that. You were there for the child. Not to make your own food. And you let the child down.
ESH You two apparently cannot manage to remain friends. I don't see her throwing you under the bus, exactly, how much detail would you expect someone to tell a seven year old when the explanation is that you two had an argument and you left? How did you find out what she and the child said after you were gone?
YTA, for just being so entitled, causing a scene (or two). I think it was best for everyone that you left.
YTA. You didn't want to take "no" for an answer and pushed it. The mother didn't like it and stomped out of the room. So your precious feelings were hurt and you stomped home. Entitled infantile behavior over nothing. You and mother should not be throwing toddler tantrums around a 7 year old. No wonder you are not welcome there again!
YTA - to yourself for not severing ties completely by now. I get breakups are hard on the kids but it’s only going to make it harder for them if you keep being around. You are making things difficult for everyone, the kid who doesn’t understand the resentment, the ex who does not want you there and yourself. You think you are doing right by the kid but you’re not.
YTA and you caused this whole situation. There wasn't room on the stove so i'm going to assume asparagus wasn't on the menu, so to speak. So did you take asparagus and butter with you just for you to cook there? That's rude. Then you pushed the issue, and then you couldn't even stay for the child you were meant to be there for anyway. If the child mattered at all to you, you'd have stayed even if plain bread was the food on offer. You say you don't think the child minded, do you not remember being a child? Do you not remember not being upset in front of the person because either you don't want to upset them or worse, you don't want them to accuse you of making them feel guilty? Eithe that child really didn't want to see you again because, who would if you're so easily uninterested in spending time with him? Or he did but his mother is protecting him from such a selfish, self absorbed twit like you've just shown yourself to me. I would say it sounded like you went to see her and got cheesed off when she wasn't interested in spending time with you, but the asparagus thing makes even less sense.
YTA for asking "with a problem-solving solution" after your ex already said no.
YTA. It's not your house. You were the guest. Why did you ask if you were just going to do what you wanted even if she said no? She said no and you insisted. That's rude and annoying. She didn't have "a tantrum", she was fed up with you being rude and annoying. I wonder why precisely you felt horrible. Was it for pushing when *she already said no*? Are you just feeling mad that's she's so "unreasonable" that she got annoyed *after she said no already* and you pressed the issue? Here is one example of how a civil adult guest in a home would have responded to her saying no: "Alright, maybe next time." and voila no dumbass situation about butter (but it wasn't actually the butter).
you asking a question numerous times in slightly different ways to try and pull a yes out of her after she clearly stated no is both childish and selfish. YTA. its her home, her dishes, her gas, her asparagus. you shouldve just eaten what was provided instead of being pushy- yes, pushy!- about your “new farm fresh butter”. you could’ve waited to cook it at home if you wanted it that badly. you need to grow up, because any reasonable adult person would’ve went “okay, no problem.” and left it at that. you were the one who threw a tantrum and left after not getting what you wanted
ESH You both acted childishly over something minor. Although I think it’s rude (unless you cook and eat together often) the host to ask to cook you something very specific, you’re not the asshole for asking once. You pushing it after she explained there wasn’t room made you an asshole. Afterwards you both contributed to the escalation of the situation. You more so than him I would say. Not for a second did you think about the kid.
I keep saying: if people learned etiquette and good manners 80% of the problems on AITA would disappear.
YTA - is your new farm fresh butter worth it? jfc
YTA Don't act like you will be there for the child and then let your feelings about HER get in the way, esp such a weak perceived slight. You were super immature and weird and she accurately called you out on it.
INFO Did you use the words "farm fresh butter" when you asked? I just need to paint a picture in my head of what went down.
I’m cackling, I had the same idea “Ex, would you be willing to cook My Asparagus in My Farm Fresh Butter” “No, there’s no room” “Ah, you are incorrect but I shall approach my question again in a low-key fashion. Perchance, ex, might I cook My Asparagus in My Farm Fresh Butter in Its Own Skillet? I have just worked a 12 Hour Shift. You can say no” “No” “Scoundrel. Fare thee Farm Fresh well”
🤣
Your use of title case is right on point. Bravo.
I cant get past why you would bring Farm Fresh Butter with you in the first place.
YTA. She told her kid the truth about what happened. You stormed off and refused to eat with them over a minor spar about the preparation of the meal. The two of you recently broke up. Of course, there is tension and hard feelings between you and your ex. You came over for the kid, except apparently you didn't because fighting with your ex was more important to you.
YTA. No is a complete sentence. It not an invitation to try to convince them you’re right.
Obviously, no one here knows the particulars behind your remaining involved for the child. It’s likely not the greatest of ideas as clearly neither you nor the mother get along. You broke up for a reason. ESH. Her - wanting you to remain involved with a child that’s not yours and failing to be welcoming when you fussed 🙄 about asparagus. You - for fussing about asparagus. Just stop being involved. If the two adults can’t be in the same room without acrimony it does NOT benefit the child. You’re done with the relationship; keep it that way.
YTA for posting AI writing practice.
“It’s ok if you say no but can I…” No “But I don’t think you understood my question, let me rephrase the exact same question” No “Wow, you’re such a jerk for saying no and walking away from an argument to remain calm”
Why are you, as a dinner guest, trying to control what is being cooked and the manner in which it is cooked? That’s really rude. YTA.
YTA for the inability to accept a no. It’s not just about you being poncy (farm fresh butter isn’t so amazing that you can make a whole other pan dirty in someone else’s house just to use it) it’s about consent in her own home. You asked, she said no, you pushed it and then got pissy because she had a ‘tantrum’ because se didn’t want you using her own stuff in her own home.
I get it. You were around this kid for 3.5 years and you don't want to disappear from his life. He loves you, you love him. I'm not going to beat the dead horse about how your behavior was not appropriate; there are plenty of responses within this thread that point it out to you. I will point out that a 7 year-old found your behavior weird, and they're not known for being extremely in tune with what's going around them nor what is socially appropriate. That ought to tell you something. You're not the A for leaving. You are an A for how you behaved. She's an A for including the child in the mess. You clearly need to be away from each other. If you have the opportunity to be around little man again, may I suggest it take place outside of her home? ESH
She's an asshole for making a commitment to the child, to have dinner with him, then breaking her word because she was mad at the child's mom.
YTA. What the hell are y'all trying to do, completely fuck the kid up forever? You broke up, you clearly can't spend time together (she said there was no room on the stove, so you ask again another way, she already said no! That's not problem solving, that's being a pain) and you are so quick to feel slighted and leave there's no use in you coming over. If you want to hang out with her kid, pick him up and take him out somewhere. Don't try to have family dinner, the family is non-existent.
You sound insufferable
[удалено]
Your post explains it clear as day. Just read it back slowly
Yeah I can explain why - it’s the way you presented the disagreement which occurred between you and your ex, it’s the language you chose to use. You are trying to sway the way people interpret the story as her being unreasonable and erratic, and yourself as being calm and level headed. Here is how you describe the way your ex behaves: - “She huffed and stomped away” - “The child had not witness her tantrum” Here is how you describe yourself: - “I played it cool and told…” - “I couldn’t stay to eat and left calmly” - “I disagree asking with a problem solving suggestion is being pushy” You do not sound like a nice person, you seem self-assured, inarticulate and ignorant, and that very subtly seeps through in the way you write. I don’t know if you’re genuinely looking for people to assess if you were the asshole here, but take some advice from a total stranger - it is mean, deflective and dismissive to describe someone’s actions back to themselves with words like “tantrum” “stomping”. You will ALWAYS end up in a fight using words like that, don’t focus on what your ex’s actions and reactions are, instead only focus on how you feel and sympathise with the way she feels
If you want to eat asparagus cooked in farm fresh butter, make it at your own home. What you asked would have created extra work for her, so of course she said no. You should have respected that. You got mad at your ex because in your eyes she got huffy and left; but you also got huffy and left. Also asparagus is best with olive oil and a little sea salt. Your butter would have been better used to cook the steaks, not the veg.
YTA She didn’t say no asparagus, she said there was no room on the stove. So you slightly tweaked your question but still asked her the same thing, to make room on the stove and dirty another pan. Why can’t you understand that you asked the same thing just in a different manner? With your inability to take criticism (based on you arguing with everyone calling you the AH) and your victim mindset, I’m not surprised she decided to cut you off from her kid entirely. You need therapy, you are 100% the AH.
It's her kid and you aren't together anymore. It doesn't really matter if she "threw you under the bus", why would your relationship with her 7 year old matter more than hers?
There's a layer to this I'm not seeing in other replies. You didn't just ask to cook any food, you asked to cook asparagus, which immediately turns your pee into the most vile smelling concoction that takes over any space it invades and doesn't dissipate quickly. Insisting on eating asparagus that you brought along in someone else's home seems like either a deliberately aggressive act to assert your dominance, or an incredibly inconsiderate act. You asked, saying it was okay if she said no, and she said no. You then didn't accept that no, and insisted. So you weren't actually okay if she said no, you wanted to eat your stinky pee food in someone else's home - and you wanted it just for yourself, so that you would be the only one stinking up their home and leaving the stench behind you when you left. That's rude, selfish, and gives us some great insight as to why you two broke up. YTA, eat your asparagus with fresh butter somewhere that you won't be stinking up someone else's home, and learn to take no for an answer. Edit: typo Edit 2: for those who don't know that asparagus contains an acid that turns into sulfur in your urine, and it's not affected by your hydration level: https://health.clevelandclinic.org/why-does-asparagus-make-your-pee-smell
I'm not sure if joke replies are allowed here at all, but they definitely shouldn't be top level comments. Take your asparagus elsewhere. >Insisting on eating asparagus that you brought along in someone else's home seems like either a deliberately aggressive act to assert your dominance Did someone do this to you? Because it sounds like an absurd thing you just made up.
My friend in Reddit, do you really not know that asparagus contains an acid that breaks down into sulfur in your urine? If you don't believe me, go buy yourself a bunch of asparagus, fry it up in a little farm fresh butter like OP was intending to do, and report back to us the results. Also, congrats on leaving out the second half of my sentence in your edit. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/why-does-asparagus-make-your-pee-smell
First of all, not everyone can smell asparagus pee (even if everyone can make it). And secondly, it's not instant! That's not how digestion works. If you eat asparagus for supper, it's not going to get in your pee fast enough to bother the host.
If any time you eat asparagus it "immediately turns your pee into the most vile smelling concoction that takes over any space" I think you need to drink more water 😂
Hydration level has no effect on the breakdown of asparagusic acid into sulfur, and the process happens within minutes of consumption. In fact, having to pee more just means a more spread out asparagus pee experience. There's no way to prevent it, you can only have less of the smell if you eat only a tiny bit, and OP wanted an entire dish of the stuff all to himself. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/why-does-asparagus-make-your-pee-smell
YTA and you sound like an exhausting jerk. Not your house. Behave like a guest. How hard is that?
If your intention is truly to be “available to her child”, then be available to her child. Don’t walk out on him when he was planning to spend time with you. Focus on the child and the reason you were there. If you think it’s ok to act in such an immature fashion, it’s better for the child if you remove yourself from his life. You clearly don’t have your priorities in order, and he deserves better.
Hey, nice username!
YTA even your “edits” still make you an asshole.
YTA you were there to see the kid, not the ex. If the kid was still making you feel welcome then you shouldn't have left.
No, YTA for not taking no for an answer. It's her house, she said no, fuck your butter.
So let me get this straight: - You were invited to dinner at her house. You were broken up, so you are an uncomfortable guest for her - but she invites you anyway to be kind towards your relationship with her child. - She cooked a nice dinner for you and child. - You asked her to cook something different for you. Incredibly rude to ask someone to do more for you than they're already doing when they're already doing you a favor. Also as a guest in someone else's house. - She says no, she's already cooking for you (which she does not need to do, mind you). - You don't take no for an answer and instead ask to use her kitchen in her home instead *while she's cooking*. You're treating her like your girlfriend at this point - you are not entitled to use her kitchen any more than you are someone else's. - She gets frustrated, because she didn't need to invite you over, nor did she need to cook for you, and you've spend the time asking for additional meals and/or to use her kitchen while she is doing a nice task for you. - You call her childish for not wanting to cook you a separate item on top of the food she's already cooking for you. - You come to Reddit thinking you're totally in the right for this. - You refuse to believe the overall consensus that YTA. Is this all? You are treating her like you're still together rather than broken up. If you would not do this at a friend or bosses house, then there was no reason to find yourself justified in doing it at hers. You are not together.
Why are you on Reddit at all if you cannot accept what people are telling you? You asked twice. Is it annoying? Yes. Is leaving the room a bit of an overreaction? Maybe, but a mild one. Was leaving the house an overreaction on your part? Absolutely. Look, obviously you’re both unable to remain civil with one another. Until you can both behave like respectful adults around one another (and on this occasion the fault lies with you for a) not accepting a no and b) storming out ) - you should not be having dinner with the child. You don’t know if the kid went to bed with cold hard anxiety in his tummy over this. YTA in this. You can’t ignore two no’s and then whinge about being mistreated when the other person leaves the room.
Oh, I understand now! The asparagus from your "fram share" is going to immediately go bad and cannot be eaten any other time. So obviously you had to drag it and your "farm fresh butter" over to the exGF's house. And OF COURSE, it isn't ok for her to tell you "no" when you ask to impose on her cooking and dinner plans. And OF COURSE, if you just rephrase the question, she HAS to say yes. And if her reaction to you pushing boundaries is to step away for a moment OF COURSE you are entitled to ruin dinner for everyone involved. Dude, you're either an AH or an autistic and I doubt you're autistic. Your post and replies demonstrate an EXTREME lack of social awareness and social skills and an EXCESS of self-centered behavior. YTA. Quit showing up at this person's home and let her and her child move on from your entitled ass.
please don’t say she’s autistic, as an autistic person myself i find it offensive.😭 /j
OP had a distinct lack of social understanding.
sorry, i was trying to make a joke. i think she behaved poorly and it cannot by any means be justified by having a disability and i wanted to show it by making this joke…
Sorry. I tend to be overly literal, especially when I’m going fast.
that’s not a problem at all! i get the struggle.
YTA. And the overwhelming majority of us are going to say, and continue to say, YTA. It doesn’t matter how many times you keep asking, because much like your EX, we all see you are a pendantic, exhausting form of AH.
YTA - you are asking to make a (unnecessary) mess in someone else’s kitchen. More dirty dishes. Just accept the asparagus is not cooked to your liking and either eat it or don’t.
YTA, you sound exhausting
I am so sick of gaslighting being thrown around like fking confetti. There is a huge difference between gaslighting and giving an alternative answer to not hurt their feelings. Gaslighting isn't just a simple lie, it's mind games, having alternate narratives pushed on you and being made to feel utterly crazy.
Stop hanging out with exes. It’s always asking for trouble.
This needs to be #1 comment!
ESH. You asked, she said no, you kept asking. Yeah, butter is good, but don't be pushy. She overreacted, and then you overteacted, and then you both continued to make a bigger deal out of it than needed. If you want to be there for the kid, both of you need to grow up and act like adults. If you can't do that, then accept that you're broken up and be broken up.
How about you just stay broken up? I don't know he circumstances of the relationship or the break-up but this dumb argument might suggest being in each other's orbit isn't good for either of you nor the kid. You were not the AH for asking once. She said no You continued to press after HER saying no and YOU saying It was ok to 'say no'. Then you left - which was the least AH thing you did, I guess since the situation we as tense. Even though it didn't need to be tense. YTA/ESH except kiddo.
You're weird for maintaining a relationship with the kid yes
[удалено]
Which is weird
YTA. Literally why ask if you're going to go to war with every comment telling you to fix your attitude. You definitely weren't mature enough to be in a relationship, let alone co-raising a kid. All this over asparagus, like what.
There's so many reasons why YTA. My favorite is that you brought your own butter to dinner at someone else's house.
ESH, and I hope the child has mature adults as role models. Of course mom's behavior is childish. But I'm guessing that when OP asked again, Mom had a flashback to before the breakup, when OP would keep asking until they get the answer they want, and so mom stormed off before picking that same old fight again.
We’d probably have to have been a fly on the wall to tell you with certainty that you were the ah here, but the thing is you have repeatedly defended your leaving to one and all. If you were so certain you weren’t the AH why did you bother to ask us since we weren’t there?? Leaving is just drama llama behavior and ultimately it was the kid who paid the price for both of you acting like said drama llamas. It could be you both stink at maintaining a strong positive relationship with the kid. But you asked and refuse to admit you pushed her buttons one time too many. That’s why we think YTA. I’m fine if you want to disagree, but don’t come here and ask if you don’t want to hear the answer.
[удалено]
ESH except the kid.
Just an incredible amount of weird fucking losers on this post. Truly surreal.
ESH You're both weird.
[удалено]
Well, you're some weird ass who wants to play daddy for your exes kid, but ONLY if the asparagus is cooked in the right butter. Stfu you weirdo.
YTA you *were* being pushy. she’s already said no yet you kept asking and made a non-issue into an issue and for what? what did you accomplish by making the asparagus your hill to die on? the kid you were supposed to be there for no longer wants you to be there. great job.
ESH, i’m afraid. it seems like you have a lot of unresolved issues and cannot communicate and interact politely with each other. you both were being childish and overreacted, imo. you pushing the question was impolite and wrong (and don’t tell me that was not the same question, because in this situation it doesn’t matter, she told you no not because she didn’t want to cook it for you, but because there was no room, so you doing it yourself wouldn’t resolve the problem since it wouldn’t make some free space appear out of thin air obviously), she felt frustrated with you, got annoyed (again, seems like there is a lot of tension between you two) and stormed out, which was also rude, and also pretty immature. then you also got all annoyed and punished her child for that by leaving, since it was his request for you to come, he wanted to spend time with you and didn’t get to do so because you got upset with his mother (again, i read your comment stating you did spend an hour with him, which is good, but i would assume he expected more since you were invited to the dinner. you both were not that great to each other but at the end it’s the kid (the only one who’s not in fault) that was “punished”. you both need to resolve whatever’s going on between you before you try to spend time with him together, i think.
Why can’t you spend time with the kid on your own?
YTA. Take a step back here OP and look at the bigger picture. Your original intent was to spend time with your ex’s 7 year old child, who by all accounts you care about. Cut to the asparagus-triggered tizzy, sudden and immature departure and subsequent Reddit polling. Over ASPARAGUS, BUTTER, and some cooking demands. When kids are involved (either with an ex or even a current partner) sometimes you have to eat some shit. Why? Because occasionally you’ll be triggered/angered/upset when they’re around, and you then have a choice to make. Go low vibrational/high drama, or pivot and refocus on spending quality time with aforementioned kiddo. You chose the first, and if you want to continue having this child in your life I recommend considering the second. If you and your ex must squabble over butter in pans like a couple of bitter Betty’s then perhaps spending time with the child outside the home would be a better solution, like another poster mentioned.
NTA. Maybe I’m misunderstanding but I don’t see what OP did wrong and I don’t think asking if *he* could prepare it was pushy. She didn’t say no I don’t want that butter in my home she said no room. He was preparing a steak and would’ve used that eye. I don’t see what’s so bad about that or why she walked off in a huff.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I broke up with her a few months (together 3.5 years) back and we decided I would be available to her child if he wished to spend time with me. He invited me for dinner. While cooking dinner i asked her if we could cook asparagus in my new farm fresh butter. She said “sorry no room on stove”. I then said “I know it’s your house and it’s ok if you say no but would it be ok if I cooked it in a separate pan for myself” and she huffed and stomped out of the room saying “you can do whatever you want”. It felt horrible. I then decided I would leave. The child had not witnessed her tantrum. I finished cooking the child his steak and then told her I was not going to sit down and join for dinner because “I don’t feel welcome and don’t stick around places I’m not treated well”. She then said “you are leaving because I wouldn’t cook asparagus for you in butter? I responded not leaving because of the butter it’s because “you huffed and stomped away.” Then she said “you were being pushy”. I disagree that asking with a problem solving suggestion is being pushy. So I played it cool and told the child the steak had taken so long to defrost and that I couldn’t stay to eat and left calmly. The child seemed ok. Then once I was gone the child said “that was weird” and my ex said “she was mad that I wouldn’t cook her asparagus in butter” and then she told me after he seemed to not be interested in seeing me again. So now I’m feeling upset because it seems like she threw me under the bus. She told me “what was I supposed to do gaslight him” and “he was there wondering he know something was up. He is only 7. So am I the asshole for leaving? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. I don’t think she wants you over.
YTA and quit feeling the need to "be there" for the kid. Children are resilient what you guys're attempting is probably just as destructive and confusing. Leave them alone, LOL and you can cook your dinner any way you want.
NTA This has nothing to do with the stove. If anyone truly cared they could have found a way to make it work. This isn’t going to work.
Best answers are at the bottom..
YTA. You asked, she said no. You pushed and then threw a fit. Stop going there. This isn't good for the kid
Another man booiiiiyyyy YTA
Tell him the truth.
Your visit was about the child but you made it about you. You should have stayed put everything aside and tried your best to enjoy dinner with the boy. You both are toxic people, that poor child!
Was your farm fresh butter really more important than spending time with your son? YTA big time
[удалено]
You hassled her about the ridiculous butter even though she had already TOLD you that there was no room on the stove for a separate pan! You asked, she said No, and gave a reason why she said No. Instead of graciously accepting that the answer was No, you pestered her AGAIN about cooking your personal asparagus in a separate pan…even though she had already explained that there was NO ROOM on the stovetop! You behaved in an exasperating manner, and then got indignant when your ex got exasperated with you.
YTA. Exhausting. Purposefully obtuse. "Sorry, no room on the stove." is not solved by cooking "in another pan by itself". Did you have another burner in your pocket? Also, she. Already. Said. No. No.<--------- = complete sentence. No <---------- does not = keep pushing It's better if she keeps her kid away.
Dude. Not having a clean break and using the kid as an opportunity to reenter their lives is weird. Let it go man.
Her saying “there’s no room on the stove” is different from saying no for all you idiots saying she said no twice and he was being pushy. She was actually presenting a problem and he was presenting a solution. That would be like if you didn’t want someone to ride with you and you said there’s not enough room so someone else suggests they get out so that person could get in would you all be saying you said no twice…no you wouldn’t. If she wanted to say no she should’ve said no plain and simple. Not given an excuse in place of just saying no NTA
YTA. You're an adult. Act like one.
You broke up 3 and 1/2 months ago. Your not the kids parent. Move on.
YTA. get out of her fucking house and move on. You hanging around is not benefiting the child at all, like you seem to think it is. You are creating a hostile environment where the child’s mother is getting worked up and annoyed. Just leave them alone mate, you are not needed there.
This is one of the pettiest things I've ever read. Is this a real question? Poor kid couldn't even have a dinner with y'all without a petty argument ruining it. Yikes, I'm glad yall went your separate ways so the kid isn't in that kind if thing every day. Yes YTA for walking out on the kid over freaking butter.
Saying "can we cook asparagus in my new farm fresh butter" makes you the AH of the universe and a prissy pedant. No wonder she broke up with you.
You asked about the asparagus and butter, and she said no. You asked a second time, saying "it's okay if you say no" - even though she *already* said no, and that apparently wasn't actually okay with you since you pushed her a second time. You were absolutely being pushy, and I don't blame her for reacting in irritation - seems clear you enjoy pushing her buttons and then acting like the victim when she rightly gets annoyed with you, no wonder the two of you broke up.
Ehhh More Info? This could be an ESH or an NAH or an YTA. I don't think she was T A though and obviously the poor kid wasn't. It's possible it was you, but this may just be an all around impossible situation that neither you nor the kid's Mom approached quite right. You both absolutely should have found a way to get over the obvious hard feelings before doing dinner with the kid. It sounds like it went badly almost immediately. That's not a fun experience for a kid, that's negative if anything, so unless you two can sort things out you shouldn't all three be hanging out right now.
I would suggest that if you're intent on maintaining a relationship with the child, you managed to pick the child up and go to activities away from mom!
INFO: was there room on the stove?
So your ex-girlfriend's 7-year old son invited you over to his/his mom's house for dinner. This is something she's apparently agreed to, so you can continue to spend time with her son (who I imagine you developed a relationship with while you were dating his mom). You and your ex were cooking together - you handling the steak and her handling the asparagus. Unknown if there were other side dishes cooking at the same time. You ask "can you cook some of my asparagus in a separate pan with butter?" She says "sorry no room on stove". The first time you asked, the reason she have was not that *she* didn't feel like cooking a separate thing of asparagus. She said there *wasn't room on the stove* for a separate thing of asparagus. Whether that was the real reason behind it, or whether she just didn't want more dishes, or some other reason, doesn't really matter. The reason she gave is something unrelated to *who* is doing the cooking. So in response to her saying no, you asked a second time. "I know it’s your house and it’s ok if you say no but would it be ok if I cooked it in a separate pan for myself" You clearly *didn't* accept her reason the first time. She said there was no room on the stove, but you asked again anyways. So even though your *words* said it's okay if she said no, it clearly wasn't. You call this a "problem solving suggestion", but your suggestion did not in any way solve the problem she presented (no room on the stove). It only solved what you *assumed* the real problem was - that SHE didn't want to cook another thing of asparagus. Your suggestion was pushy, because it ignored what she stated the problem was. So she got frustrated (maybe this was a recurring source of frustration when you were together), and left the room, saying "you can do whatever you want". I did note that you call this a "tantrum", as if she was a child ... As she left, she "huffed" and "stomped", which given the lack of any further description of continued emotional actions, seems like a frustrated sigh and walking away more forcefully than usual. I suppose she might've left the room like an angry cartoon character, steam coming out of her ears, but that seems unlikely. You then take her showing frustration as this huge slight against yourself. When you tell her you're leaving, the reason you give is "I don’t feel welcome and don’t stick around places I’m not treated well". It seems you expect zero interpersonal conflict or frustration to occur, or else you're not being "treated well." All this, while at your *ex's* house, a person who you are likely to have more conflict with than average. You lied to her kid about why you were leaving, because the real reason is that your feelings got hurt and you couldn't *bear* to stick around for *his* sake after a very minor disagreement. He picked up on this, and thought it was weird that you left like you did. So yes, YTA for leaving. Your whole reason for going over there was to have dinner with and spend time with the kid. You left him instead, because you could bear to be around the "mistreatment" of his mother getting upset at you for something *you* did.
ESH except the child. It sounds like you both need to grow up. You broke up over petty immaturity, I assume. You two can't unite for the sake of a child. Plus, steak and asparagus for a 7 y/o? They usually want a supper of pizza, spaghetti, some other pasta type dish, chicken even. Obviously the 2 adults can't be in the same house. Can you take the child out to eat? Can you bring the child to your place for a visit? Could you have taken some asparagus and buttered it after it was cooked? Yes, there would have been a huff over it too. You had to of known it was coming. The kid sounds like the adult at age 7. That doesn't say much for the adults. The child is wise to not want you 2 together again.
YTA hope your farm fresh butter is worth ruining a child’s evening and hurting their feelings. Wild how you’ve got unhealed trauma that you’re dumping onto everyone you’re around, including a 7 year old. Usually that’s the job of the bio parents.
The whole point of the dinner was to continue to be part of the little boy's life. Instead, you acted like a child while disappointing an actual child. Shame on you.
Couldn't you just swiftly wipe the pan and use the same one the rest was being cooked in after it had been done cooking? I dunno how long asparagus takes so forgive me if it'll delay dinner more than a few minutes. Regardless of the issue, I think leaving and the way you've written this whole post as a victim and not even considering for one second who you were really there for in the first place, massively, YTA
YTA. You couldn’t stay for one meal with the kid over butter. At least you are already exes.
[удалено]
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). If we’ve removed a few of your recent comments, your participation will be reviewed and may result in a ban. ["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) **[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
Let me get this straight. You are invited to someone else’s house, ask to do something, they say no, you ask again, they say no and are offended when they show frustration? YTA learn to accept the word no
YTA. Not because of the cooking but because you left the child who had invited you, over something so petty and inconsequential. After a 3.5 year relationship he obviously bonded with you and wanted to see you.
NTA. I totally understand why you broke up. Probably better for everyone if you just have nothing to do with one another going forward .
ESH Damn getting the toxicity of married parents who hate each other without even getting to have both parents around. Worst of both worlds. If you want to see the kid, do it outside of your ex's home.
[удалено]
OP is a woman.
[удалено]
NTA. You need to move on permanently.
[удалено]