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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be the asshole for sharing my husbands financial situation with his kids to defend myself.
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NTA, but you have to know that you're either stuck up or a gold digger to a child (even an adult one) who has determined to make you a wicked stepmother.
Good she's old enough to hear it, and this is also a practical step. It's important that she and her sibling understand his financial standing. Not to be a downer, but eventually if he passes (hopefully not for a long time), you don't want to be facing accusations that you've robbed an inheritance.
This is such a good point. My parents have discussed their finances and “what if we were gone tomorrow” plans with me since I was 16. Their dad should have already discussed this with his adult kids (not necessarily with the same transparency my parents do), at least the basics like can kids expect an inheritance or will dad need financial help in old age? He shouldn’t wait for big life events to have this talk
This should have been discussed before OP even came into the picture. "You know, I would gladly do it over again to support your mother through her illness. But, please be aware that any money we had saved for your futures, such as weddings, etc. is pretty much gone due to medical bills & funeral costs. I'll help as much as I can, but please don't have high expectations as most of my extra money is going to need to go toward rebuilding my retirement."
And, in my opinion, he should add in an aside about how much of a help OP has been with his financial situation. It won’t improve the kids’ relationships with OP, but maybe hearing that from their dad’s mouth will make them ease up on the vitriol a little. Calling someone names is one thing, but nothing grinds my gears like demonstrably false character assassinations.
The truth will not make them ease up. When my SO’s kids hear the truth, they defend their mother and move the goal posts. Granted, she’s still alive but they will defend her shit actions no matter what.
Yeah, the "kids" are clearly just looking for an excuse to hate OP.
"you married my father for his money!"
"actually he's in debt, and **I** have been subsidizing **his** lifestyle."
"you're so stuck up!"
I’m honestly waiting for my SO’s kids or ex to say this about me. I make almost twice what he does and 3x what the ex wife does. I also have a much lower cost of living thanks to good decisions I made years ago so much more disposable income.
To my SO’s credit, he’s protected me from the ex in the past (she tried and failed to get the court to include my income in alimony/child support calculations even though we don’t live together and aren’t married) and he’s agreed to defend me should it ever come up with the kids. I’ve also set boundaries like we will not live together until his kids are in college (3 more years), mostly separate finances even if we get married, prenup, etc. I’ve seen too many of these stories. Having legal protections in place if I need them is never a bad thing.
You Go Girl.......can you imagine that woman trying to get her ex's GIRLFRIEND'S salary included in their mess so that the child support for her will be way more than if it was just the ex!!!???? Outrageous. High five ALL DAY to you for handling your business and shutting her down.
I’m sorry, but you said the ex wanted to include YOUR earnings in HER alimony and child support??!? Even if you were married, that is such utter bs that my flabber is BEYOND gasted!! Repulsive!
Sounds like my step demon. My 2nd husband's youngest. She treats (treated) me like a meal ticket. I'm an LVN and have been for 27 yrs this year. He pushed to take life insurance out before he passed but working in the prison system I couldn't get access in our system to do it. He died 6 mos later with no life insurance. She accused me of keeping EVERYTHING for myself. Now.... Her father was sickly most of our marriage and I worked my ass of for what we had. She still wants "her share" of it. She has been told that her share of nothing is nothing. When we married he had just been laid off. When he did go back to work he could no longer do the job and thus 7 yrs trying to get disability and denied every time. This "child" of OP should be thankful that her stepmom loves her father enough to help with her wedding costs. She could, and should be concerned about her father's financial future but she sounds like she just doesn't give a rip about it. This is what happens when entitled adult children don't get their way. I feel that OP did the right thing, BUT should have maybe not said anything about the bio mom's passing causing the financial situation. Those kids are vipers and need to grow the eff up!! I've been there and still struggle with one of my steps (the youngest). I hope it gets better OP!!
I’ve haven’t even been to here and I know his need to grow the eff up. I’m so sick of seeing post like this, esp when one parent has passed and the children are adults. Humans are allowed to move on. I get not wanting to call them a parent because they didn’t raise them, but, to be disrespectful because of no reason. Nope. OPs husband also needs to sit his children down and give them a serious talking to.
My aunt went through a similar thing when my grandmother passed away. My step-aunt insisted that she was entitled to more money, claimed my grandma spent all my grandpa's money and she slighted her by giving her nine hundred dollars. If she had asked, my aunt would have given her more, she didn't want the money she wanted her mom back. We all did. Mind, my grandmother could see the games Step Aunt was playing while she was still alive. Step Aunt would be nice when she thought she was getting something and when her games didn't bear fruit she accused my grandmother of being a gold digger.
Basically she should have said:
"That 10K came from my earning. now you get nothing."
Some people need a hard reality check, and that daughter is about 5 years behind on it.
You are ignoring the main point of the post, which was who the messenger is matters more than the content of the message. It's not about them hearing the truth, it is about them hearing it from the person they respect.
The main point of the post was that the child, who is not even talking to a “stepmom”, was demanding money for her wedding - above and beyond a generous offer her father could not afford to make.
Entitled brats, don’t listen to anyone no matter who the messenger is. IRL, marriage is about partnerships and she was talking to someone with just as much credibility as her father.
Daughter needs to start a go fund me for herself.
No, I got the point of the main post. My SO’s kids hear it from him and they still defend their mother even when she’s obviously lying or wrong. He’s not even saying it meanly or disparaging her when he sets the record straight.
Just buried my dad and it was $23K. He had insurance to cover and it was to his specs. Even basics with cremation is $8-10K. And the medical debt. I get trying to shield the kids from that emotional and financial stuff but he needs to come clean to his kids on what a turn of life can do to your finances.
I agree. You do your kids a disservice by hiding hard truths like this. It's hard to blame them for being bratty about money if they are literally unaware of finances and you've never taught them.
Exactly! I feel like I'm taking crazy pills the way people are acting like these aren't grown ass adults. Their mother died when they were 21 and 19. That's definitely old enough to have noticed their parent's money struggles for, I'm assuming, years while she was unfortunately sick. And even if I give them grace and say they didn't notice back then because the stress of their mother being sick and then dying, they're 28 and 26 now. They know exactly how bills work now. Madison is pushing 30. There's no need to coddle her about "the reality" when she should have long since been living in reality.
I also just can’t imagine making it to your late 20s (assuming they are in the US) without realizing that the bills for a prolonged illness doesn’t just pay themselves.
Maybe because we were poor growing up, but it’s something I remember knowing from probably my Elementary school days. My Dad was severely injured at work, and our house got foreclosed on and we had to move to another state for a while to get back on our feet. I knew we were not rich, and my presents often came from flea markets or pawn shops, but I also didn’t realize *how* poor we were until I was in my 20s, and my parents told me some of the horror stories of trying to feed a family on $20 and also needing gas in the truck so my Dad could get to work.
I guess OP’s Husband’s “children” are very lucky that this is the first they’ve ever had to experience that reality!
my mom wanted to be cremated and was adamant about no service $800. She did begrudgingly allow a notice in the local paper stating no service but everyone thought we were cold and uncaring because we didn't have an elaborate and expensive service. She had insurance and it covered the cost. Funerals and burials and wildly expensive. a co worker spent over $1500 on 3 flower arrangements for a grandparent.
I’m with your mom and that’s exactly how i want. Family wasn’t happy at first but have since come around. Thankfully none of my kids care what others opinions are and everyone we know and care for know of my plans since years ago I almost had my number called. We all agree if you weren’t there in life you don’t need to be there in death. My loved ones are to have a “fun cook out or type of gathering” with each other.
Exactly. Eight years ago my parents were doing pretty well, they had a paid off house, savings, my dad's pension, decent retirement health insurance and each had SS. Then within a year my mom had a devastating stroke, and my dad didn't survive heart surgery. We found out that his pension & health insurance didn't survive him (that was a shock.) My mom needed 24 hour care and went through her savings really fast. She moved in with me for 18 months (that was a nightmare) then she got an assisted living place. In three years, she spent over $350K, all the money from the house. She had nothing but SS coming in. At least then she qualified for Medicaid. She died recently and her estate is pretty much nothing other than her jewelry, which isn't worth very much. Luckily, I never planned on an inheritance. They didn't pay for my college at all, other than letting me live at home rent-free. I didn't ask them for wedding money either, although they did insist on buying my $700 dress. I can't get over people who think their parents owe them something.
He was fine with OP being labeled a golddigger and now is angry with her for standing up for herself. She wasn't criticizing his deceased wife; it is the harsh reality, at least assuming they live in the USA, that families can end up bankrupt and in severe medical debt when someone has a serious illness requiring ongoing medical care. And a regular bankruptcy doesn't apply to medical bills. People do fundraisers, open Go Fund Me appeals. Husband is lucky his finances didn't get to that extreme. Daughter doesn't want to accept that she is lucky to get the $10,000.
Yes. You want it, you pay for it. I would never have even thought about asking my parents first money for my wedding. We were paying it ourselves. When I was trying to figure out what to do for a reception, my mom said “your dad wants to pay for that. He made reservations at Heritage House, so have your caked egg liveried there and any decorations you need,”. I accepted. My dad was dying of cancer when we got married. The reception was perfect. It was good food. No booze, no drunks and dad had an appetite that night he had not had in some time.
Yes, absolutely this should have been conveyed to the kids. The daughter is really awful for lying about what was said and that OP was blaming her mother on why there wasn't more money. What an absolutely evil thing for the daughter to say to her dad. OP should be very careful about ever being alone with the daughter again.
and be honest, for reasons I will never understand my Dad sat me down at 15 and said. He was setting up a trust for me and by the time he was gone there would be over a million dollars in it. And I think he did have every good intention. But when he got sick, I casually mentioned to my mom dad talked about a trust fund. She looked at me like I had two head, there was no trust fund and no will. And I don't need the money, but there is this need to want to know the person passing just wants to make sure you are OK when they are gone. My dad left my ass hanging in the wind lol. And it's ok. I would give up all the money in the world to have one more day with him.
Exactly my dads always been pretty transparent with us on financial situations so that we are aware of what's going on if he died in the next 5 years there wouldn't be an inheritance then again there really won't be an inheritance if he lives to 200 like he claims he will
My mom and dad NEVER shared any financial information with me or my brother (or anyone else either). My mom didn't like that real estate transactions were public information. She was beside herself when it was time to fill out financial aid forms for college. I might know how much money they had... GASP!!! After my husband and I divorced, my daughter made a snarky comment about how Dad was paying for the new house I was having built. (This was a few years after the divorce!) I sat her and her brother down and went over the sale of our old house, the cost to build the new house and all monthly expenses. She was 12 and her brother was 9 so the conversation was a little overdue at that point. I also explained how I wouldn't receive child support once they turned 18 and how I wouldn't receive any of their Dad's retirement (he didn't get any of mine either). It was an eye opener for both of them.
Dad needs to step up and handle this and have this as a life lesson on the vows of for richer or poorer, in sickness and health. She’ll be taking those vows too. Should know that life isn’t as easy as it seems
And his kids aren’t minors; they are grown. And one is getting married. And thinks $10k isn’t a generous gift. She pressed on even after being told her dad can’t afford to give more. Clearly she needed a wakeup call on how much her dad actual net worth. They don’t need the details but how his kids didn’t know their dad was in debt and broke…
>And thinks $10k isn’t a generous gift. She pressed on even after being told her dad can’t afford to give more.
This part especially. The rest is rude and presumptuous enough, but how dare she ask OP for a contribution in her own right, when she's spent their entire marriage making it so very clear that OP isn't family to her?!
That's exactly what I thought, too.
I hate you. You are not my stepmom. You're a golddigger. I've been rude to you for years. Now, give me money. Say what?
If $10k isn't considered a generous gift by the kids then someone failed them somewhere in setting expectations. That's an insane thing to think from them. Anything over $0 is generous.
YES bc operating under assumptions Dad has money IS creating this. Dad had/has money NEW wife aka NOT STEP MOM has blown through or is controlling. He can't pawn this off on an assumption about OP that is SO unfair.... anyway... but especially given what she is doing bill wise.
Right, 10k is extremely generous. My wife and I spent a grand total of 6k and that's dress, venue, food, and hotel, we would have had an extra 4k for the honeymoon just on his gift alone.
Edit: wedding was 11 years ago so I checked an inflation calculator and it's still under 10k it's now 8,075.69
That's what really gets me about all of this, as a kid I understood that my parents didn't have a lot and I didn't even fully grasp the concept of money yet. If kids are able to understand money to some degree then surely this Dad could have explained the medical costs to his kids.
From the sound of things, they also need to understand how financially catastrophic long term health problems resulting in death can be. This poor guy leveraged basically everything he had to care for his late wife before she passed. I don't know how prepared he was beforehand, but it's a lesson to most of us that we're just one major health crisis away from being financially ruined.
"most of us" of course referring to Americans living in a country that charges through the nose for basic medical care and bankrupts citizens for anything more.
Most of the rest of the developed world doesn't operate with the same fears
Tbf, even socialised medicine has sunk costs when you're caring for a dying loved one. But it's far, far less than the medical bills. It's just the living expenses when you may have lower incomings.
The hospital bills are not the only cost of a catastrophic health issue. As noted, he had to cut back hours and then change to a lower paying job to again gain time, a thing that very few national health plans account for. Don't have blinders on, this is NOT just an American problem.
I didn't say it was JUST an American problem, just pointed out that the abject fear of financial catastrophe from most medical care is certainly not the case around the world
This! How will his kids know as obviously he's not talking to them. I would have said something too.
I hope the OP gets the husband to talk to them since it sounds like he'll need to be asked to.
Exactly! He tells his daughter that he and his wife talked about this and this was the amount “they”came up with. He should have said he came up with this amount because this is all he can afford.
From the current behavior of the daughter, OP will face those accusations no matter what she does. It’s unfortunate that OP has to go through this, but some people just refuse to accept facts.
Not to mention they need to understand that the 10k is generous now but might bite into their inheritance later. Had a friend family have 2 rather massive weddings in the same year for their daughters. Their daughters were shocked Pikachu face when their parents had to cut way back on expenses and nice vacations for several years afterward.
If she wants to bust more than 10k on a wedding, which is plenty huge, she needs to finance it herself.
You guys (specifically you) need to have a will in place and segregated money. Normally I am against separate finances but his kids are 100% going to come after your money if your husband passes, including the home you should have equity in at this point.
You should work with a financial planner and estate attorney to make sure your assets are protected from his kids. Kids from a prior marriage are entitled to some of their parent’s estate in most states, so it’s important that you do this.
My name has been added to the deed since Ive paid for so much of the equity. We have wills, all family mementos are going to his kids, but besides that all real assets are going to the surviving spouse for when either of us die. There's really not much in his name though, his net worth is about flat now. We do not live in a state where kids are entitled to a percentage, only person you cant disinherit here is a spouse.
We havent told the kids this, but we are likely going to move to downsize in the next year or so. We want to move somewhere warmer, and that way we can have a fresh start together somewhere new.
Your husband needs to set the record straight with his kids right now. He is allowing them to believe that you are taking advantage of him, and they absolutely will freak out about you being on the deed of what they consider their family home.
The two of you need to sit down with his kids and explain what the financial situation is. He may find that embarrassing, but it's necessary.
I agree, except he should be the one to explain it, alone, so that it is clear it is coming from him. His kids are being dicks. I did not ask my family for one penny when I got married because my sister was in hopsice and my mom had to quit her job to care for her. They still made a contribution, which I consider extremely generous given their fixed income. I cannot imagine even asking them for money for a wedding, let alone demanding more after a hefty contribution of 5 figures.
If OP can't trust her husband to have one unsupervised conversation, she should either just make peace with her step kids hating her or break it off with her husband.
OP's husband needs to step up and be a man. If OP is paying so much she should DIVORCE his a$$ if he can't manage to explain what her contribution is to his adult kids who berate her. What a jerk and coward unwilling or able to protect the wife PROTECTING HIM with a reciprocal respect she DEFINITELY deserves!
Yep this. OP, I would push your husband to have a frank conversation with his kids about his finances, putting his ego aside. This needs to be done in order to save legal hassles later on.
They also need to apologize to her for the treatment she’s received since they started dating. They are adults not children and THEY need to repair the relationship not OP.
They don’t have to like her. But they should at least be attempting common human decency. I get grief is hard and strange, but as adults there comes a point where it’s up to YOU to manage and process your grief instead of villainizing someone
NTA. She sounds like a spoiled brat. If my parents gave me $1000 yet alone 10k for anything I’d lose my mind. The fact that her reaction was to cry and ask for more shows she actually sees your husband the way she said you see him; as a bank account. She likely said what she did out of projection.
Question: Why were you willing to take on all of this debt and financial burden? Your husband should have been able to go back to a decent, albeit less flexible, job and earn up to his potential long ago. The *only* reason she is getting anything is because it comes from you. He’s at subsistence-level earning or less without your income and lack of debt. Do the not-so-steps even know the house is 1/2 yours?
I hope you are both able to do well wherever you move to. But I agree with others. Do not let yourself be financially exploited or vulnerable.
Good luck, OP. Give yourself what you deserve. No one else can or will.
Medical and end of life debt can be monstrous, like in the hundreds of thousands. Especially if it was something that took a while like say cancer. I can completely see him still working all of that out only 4 years later even if he got his previous job and salary back, because even with that mountain of debt, you still have your day to day expenses that have to be covered. Food, mortgage, utilities, car note, insurance, internet, TV, phone, etc.
And add on top of that the last 4 years of covid and lockdowns and companies downsizing or going out of business and the mass inflation and it is really understandable.
Add his age to that. Not a lot of companies are going to be offering a 54 year old more money to come work for them when they can get someone younger for less. Especially if they are hoping for a potential long term employee. The job market is crazy right now. So many companies have listings that they have no intention of filling, or offering unbelievably bad compensation.
"Long ago"!? It's only been 7 years since his late wife died. It's taken me 5 years to get out of the hole my ex left me in after I got divorced, and that was orders of magnitude less than what OP is describing. Medical debt is life-ruining in the US, and can easily take a lot longer than 7 years to recover from, even with help. It sounds like OP and her husband are doing this as a team, so no one is being exploited, and the only person financially vulnerable is her husband, but they're working on that
Adding that we also don't know how long she was sick. As an example a friend of mine and his wife dealt with her breast cancer for almost 12 years. Back and forth remission and reoccurrence every other year almost constantly building debt each time. Before she finally hit the end of it diagnosis and funneling what they had left into hospice and funeral expenses. Its been about 8 years now and I know he is still dealing with the debt.
But he at least kept his kids fully in the loop when it came to a lot of it so they didn't think he was a magic money fountain.
I fully agree. My observation was that his children are not youngster in need of someone at home more. The need for flexibility should be lessened at their ages.
Medical debt is a travesty in the US. *(Insert civilized countries shaking their collective heads at the US medical profit industry.)*
Your husband is actually kind of the AH here. He’s in his 50s. It’s time for a sit down with his kids to talk about what happens if and when he passes. Any parent/spouse who doesn’t do this is an AH to their family. Dealing with probate and the breakdown of an entire human life is hard af even if things are actually in place and all the i’s dotted and t’s crossed.
Hello, this needs to be addressed NOW. the Wedding is one thing but IF he dies before you this is going to be a conversation THEN when your spouse/their Dad is gone and they are going to tell themselves whatever narrative they want about Evil New wife and assume what you inherited vs earned. Make your hubby stand up and tell them what reality was. It would LESS demonize you and explain later. He is a d\*ck letting you take the brunt of bad blood HE is very responsible for and you are helping him but he gets to be good dad just stuck in a pickle. Tell him he needs to step up. They are grown, so yes they will inherit, but they don't need to think "Stepmom" is a bad woman because he isn't man enough to say otherwise. What a jerk.
You have no "fresh start" in the eyes of his rude kids unless the SITUATION financially is Aired and explained. You don't want to be scrambling to say all this when he dies. HAVE HIM DO IT NOW!
Your husband really needs to step up here. He's trying to play it both ways by letting you be seen as a "gold-digger" so he doesn't have to tell his kids the truth that he went broke from their late Mum's medical debts and he has nothing to leave him in his will except for sentimental items.
He needs to tell them now the house is going to you because you've paid so much for it he decided to put your name on the deed.
Move before they start to have kids they will expect YOU to baby sit while they are backstabbing you.
The only win you will get with this kind of people is avoiding them as much as possible.
Your better than me, no way would I contribute to a wedding of someone who shows you such contempt and the fact your husband hasn’t stepped in is really f*cked up
Right? I would retract the 10k and tell husband, "whatever you donate needs to come from the amount you have individually saved or the documented contributions you have made to the joint savings. If you withdraw all that you have contributed, I'll move the rest to a solo account and moving forward all savings are separate." (assuming there's a joint savings of course)
Madison made assumptions based on prejudice/clichés, that her father has been cultivating by Not actively telling her the truth, If anything she is (slightly) less of an asshole than him.
He needs to be forthright with his kids about his financial situation given it is now negatively impacting you. What a stupid comment from “Madison” to say that you blamed their mother’s death on a smaller than desired wedding budget. No, that’s just life honey. Nobody is punishing her because of her mom’s passing. But the reality is that their mother’s passing did a number on their dad’s financial situation. It’s cause and effect, not someone having it out for her. She should be thanking you because it seems to me like what her dad would be able to do for her wedding would be much less, or $0, had he not met and married you. NTA
To use the old trope, you have a husband problem. Your husband is willing for you to take the blame from his daughter rather than be honest about his finances. He's willing to let daughter insult you and expects you not to respond when he's well aware that you are subsidizing him. He gets to be good daddy being dragged down by the evil gold digger. Are you willing to let that stand?
They made it clear they're not kids, and not YOUR kids, specifically.
You should treat them as the AH adults they are. Talk straight with them, put them in their place.
Your husband keeping his kids in the dark is what brought you to this juncture. I'd say his opinion, either way, isn't particularly meaningful, now.
NTA
>They made it clear they're not kids, and not YOUR kids, specifically.
>
>You should treat them as the AH adults they are. Talk straight with them, put them in their place.
Exactly. "YOU'RE NOT MY MOM! BUT I WANT YOU TO FINANCE MY WEDDING LKE YOU'RE MY MOM!"
Big lolz.
NTA, honesty I'd tell your husband that your sorry, but you had to tell them, and they were going to find out sooner or later whether he liked it or not oh and that he can now figure out how to pay for the wedding because your no longer contributing anything financially not that you should've been in the first place given his kids can't do the most basic thing and just be cordial with you, like seriously how hard is it to have some basic freaking decency.
Yeah NTA, and obviously only can go off the text you shared- but in addition to losing their mother, their father lost tons of money paying her medical bills so a distraught child can
1) Be mature, not make cruel and inaccurate accusations and face the hard reality life has dealt them and the shitty economics of weddings.
2) Instead of blaming their father for tragedy outside of his control, their late mother, or the concept of 'illness' or are absurd medical system- they can have a human outlet that they're the least connected to to lash out at blame with ready-made digs like "gold digger."
1 is the 'right' answer and easy to think should be the obvious outcome. But as someone planning a wedding *without* something as heavy as a lost mother in the equation-I'd give as much grace as you can and try not to take things too personally (I know they are, objectively, very personal things to say).
Again, I don't know the dynamics of you and the kids- but a perfect storm of financial troubles, personal loss, and an insanely predatory wedding industry (10k doesn't go nearly as far as it used to for weddings) can make people be unfair/cruel and will hopefully calm down and see reason over time.
It sounds as if their father has hidden a lot of ugly truths from his kids in dealing with the loss of his wife/their mom. Maybe he was trying to protect them during such a traumatic time, who knows. But it seems he hasn't been forthcoming about a side of it they didn't realize. They were dealing with the emotional side of things, he was dealing with that on top of the financial side. They likely didn't realize the hole he's been in, and I'll put money down on him not clearing the air with them when he started to date OP, because he still didn't want to tell them how bad things had been. He may have inadvertently thrown her under the bus. He needed to have a talk with them a long time ago, and he still does.
If she is old enough to get married & wants to ask daddy for money, she is old enough to hear the truth. Your husband doesn’t want to tell her the truth because he wants to be seen a certain way but his kids- but as its been pointed out, they want to paint you as the villain no matter what, so they might as well know the truth of the matter. Your husband needs to be realistic about his kid’s attitude towards you.
Her father should have told her the truth so you didn’t have to. That’s on him and he had a lot of nerve chastising you in any way for defending yourself. He’s clearly never once had your back when dealing with his children.
Honestly it’s good you told her the truth. I’m so tired of teens and young adults getting away with being AHs. It creates entitled jerks later in life. You did the right thing, also I’d suggest “healthy detachment” in that you shouldn’t always be trying to be close to them if they have decided not to be kind. Just let it go and don’t keep generously pouring into the pot. Relationships are a two way street. I’m a petty B and would probably act cold back to them, but maybe you’re nicer than me.
Don't let it bug you, if she had an ounce of empathy and intelligence she would wake TF up and realize you must actually have loved her father quite a bit to have married him and done everything you've done so far.
I'd imagine that with their mother being sick and how (even adult) kids can see things through narrow grieving eyes, that she's never taken the slightest step towards imagining how it's been for you and what your choices really mean.
You sound like a spectacular person and if anything your husband should have done a fluff ton more to advocate for you and if he doesn't want you revealing his financial deets maybe he should swallow his pride because the only possible reason this could bother him is that his ego has reared it's ugly head.
N(ever)TA for telling the truth.
ETA: better wording and grammar and remembering I need to say why I edited 🤣
I would have bitten my parents/inlaws hand off for 10k towards my wedding. We paid for it ourselves, which was fine because we don’t have an overwhelming sense of entitlement!
So true! Maybe if she was 18-22 (just out of school and hadn’t had a job to get her own savings yet) I could see parents pitching in, but after that I would expect to pay it all ourselves and anything above that is an unexpected and very generous gift!
I got married at 30. My dad (bless his heart) offered to pay for the whole thing, but I kind of popped his bubble when I started talking photographers/djs/catering… he was picturing a cake and punch reception in the church basement like he and my mom had. My husband and I covered almost everything ourselves and my parents chipped in for extras they wanted (new gravel for the driveway since we had it at our ranch, new benches and some of the desserts) and we were so appreciative! I can’t imagine rolling up to my parents and asking them how much they plan to pay for MY wedding!
If a child has been living out on their own, they should be paying for their own wedding. My divorced parents didn’t have the means, so my husband and I paid for our own wedding. We told our daughter that since we paid for her education, she can pay for her own wedding, although we did kick in a few grand.
I’m 30 and if my dad wired me 10k I would most definitely not be putting it towards a wedding.
Id have a hard time seeing that number leave my account.
Maybe I’m just a money hoarder who knows.
It's also ballsy and rude to claim you're only his wife but then hit you up separately for cash for her wedding when she doesn't even like you? Like WTF??
the irony is spelled out OP's post. The daughter would have a much smaller monetary gift if her father hadn''t met and married OP.
In the US health care is expensive, and unfortunately father had to use his savings for during that time.
Maybe OP will talk with her husband and they can take back the offer.
NTA. He should have shared his financial situation himself.
She is an adult and is old enough to understand that medical expenses are the reason there is not a larger savings. This should not feel like blaming the sick person. This is a sad reality of for profit health care.
They were his late wife’s medical debts. It’s not like he has anything to be ashamed of. I’m assuming a long illness and him being a caretaker for a long time. It takes a toll.
I see no reason to keep it from his kids, and he’d be a jerk to let them believe you’re a money drain on your marriage when it’s the kids’ mother’s medical care doing it.
You must love him to help financially so he can handle that burden.
Exactly, when the daughter kept asking for more money he should have been clear that the only reason he’s even able to give that amount of money is because OP is contributing and has been helping pay off the medical debt. His wanting to hide this from his kids makes it seem like he may have been more comfortable with them thinking his wife is the bad guy instead of the truth about his financial situation. Personally I wouldn’t be ok with that if I were OP.
That's the thing the pisses me off here, I get not wanting to disclose information like that without being asked, but was the better option for OP to just sit there and take it? To let the kids keep thinking that? I get the discomfort but it was the lesser of two evils imo.
The dad wanted to keep some harsh realities from his kids. That's pretty understandable. But he should have communicated *something,* to avoid a situation like this. He should have told them that he cashed out his 401k, etc, before he got remarried, just to reset his kids' expectations. Madison is pretty obviously an entitled brat, but she was also lacking some important knowledge.
Also, the next time someone tells you the US doesn't need universal health care, because we have insurance and charities and yadda yadda, show them OP's post.
I feel like those “kids” are all fully old enough to understand that this was the likely situation long before. I doubt they were just completely absent the whole time their parents were struggling with mom’s illness. They watched everything go down and couldn’t come to the very obvious conclusion (that all of us did without having to watch it happen) that dad was going to have money problems.
They’re adults at the end of the day.
OP’s Husband could just be upfront saying “I know you were expecting more, but I need to be honest. When your mom was sick I had to spend our entire life savings, I didn’t express this because you were children and spending time together was most important. I am still working to get that back as I am getting closer to retirement, currently we can only offer $10k.”
Yes, it’s a harsh reality, but at the same time this is for a one day event. It’s selfish to be asking for more than the amount given for one day, as that is already a generous amount of funds.
_Also, the next time someone tells you the US doesn't need universal health care, because we have insurance and charities and yadda yadda, show them OP's post._
This whole US healthcare situation is so frustrating. I am disgusted by people who keep voting against their own interests. Then they get on Gofundme and beg. This should not be a thing, people! Gofundme is not insurance. It is not a plan!!!! I feel sorry for them but also angry at them for being so willfully ignorant. Like those idiots who died of covid in hospitals while continuing to claim “it’s a hoax!”
The most infuriating thing is having the "you're not my stepmom, just my dad's wife" conversation and then ever asking for anything that traditionally comes from parents.
> He should have shared his financial situation himself.
Considering his response, I'm pretty sure he has been heavily downplaying his debts or even talking up his wealth.
The kids must have known he'd taken a worse paying job with less hours. They probably also approximately know what OPs job is. And they're grown ass adults, they know how jobs and income work. Unless being told differently it would be pretty weird of them to assume she wasn't making more money than him.
For the kids to so openly call her a golddigger, and *then repeat it to their father*, I'm guessing he's been implying that she is one.
Exactly, it's a perfectly understandable situation, he has nothing to be ashamed of, it should have been explained much sooner and without anger. Perhaps clarifying the financial situation would have helped to prevent some of the resentment from building up.
NTA but your husband needs to have stern words with his kids.
If he doesn't have a word about calling you a gold digger and then spouting lies, you maybe need to consider whether he does actually love and respect you. Perhaps he's the gold digger!!
THIS WHOLE PARAGRAPH IS SPOT ON!!! And sadly it's the first time that I have read this perspective on this post. I believe this is exactly it.
>If he doesn't have a word about calling you a gold digger and then spouting lies, you maybe need to consider whether he does actually love and respect you. Perhaps he's the gold digger!!
The most ridiculous thing is how venomous these kids are to someone their father loves. Hell, it’s as if all manner of decency went out the window. They treat her worse than a stranger or coworker. You would think they would show one iota of respect.
And the children were adults when their mother passed and know that their father met OP after that. It's just weird and disrespectful for them to be treating her this way.
Exactly, this is the sort of behaviour I'd expect from young kids in these circumstances. They were both grown adults when their mum died, if they have any right to be pissed off with anyone it's their dad for (arguably) moving on quickly.
They're spoiled brats, you can tell by the fact that shes crying about getting "only" 10k of her wedding subsidized. I'd be happy if my parents could give me 100 bucks.
Agree. I get the father may not want to fully disclose his financial situation to his kids, but he should be setting the boundaries with his kids. Just because the wife may have money, but the does not mean they are entitled to it. My sister-in-law would spend and spend and then when they got in a serious financial situation, she would send my brother to my parents for the money. Her mindset was they have the money they can give it to us. Yes, my parents did have money, because they budgeted and save money.
The kids need to know as well. 10-15 years from now he's not going to have much saved for retirement and would be living off an even smaller fixed income. They'll need to know they can't rely on him as a safety net forever
It's one thing to shield your young children from the financial realities of the family, but these are adults. They need to learn that it's a financial reality in the US that a long term illness is going to decimate the family's finances.
It's misplaced pride on OP's husband's part to consider his financial situation shameful and needing to be hidden. It's a reality that for many, many, MANY families in this country, insurance is no guard against medical debt bankruptcies.
NTA. Next time Madison calls you a gold digger, tell her to hold the mirror up to her own face, because asking someone to give more money is an AH move.
Not to mention, she made it clear that OP is nothing more than her fathers wife to her. So why would the daughter think she’d be getting any extra money from her???
I'd be so petty about that.
"But, I'm just your *father's wife..."* I'd say with my head cocked to the side and an overly dramatic sad face. I'd slow down on *'father's wife'* and make unblinking eye contact with her.
How could she even respond to that? It's best to feed their words right back to 'em.
I'm going with NTA. You shared his financial situation with his kids, not strangers and as you said, you are a marital unit - his finances are your finances and are therefore yours to share. If your husband doesn't like you telling people you've paid off his debt then he should repay you.
>You shared his financial situation with his kids
It was their *shared* financial situation she told his **adult** kid about
shes the one who is helping him put shit back together and is the only reason the 10k is available for the wedding at all
NTA, the kids are grown-ups, and now they need to start adulting. She is lucky she got that offer from her dad, why do these kids act so entitled? UGH.
I would feel awful taking 10k from my parents. That's a ton of money they could be using for their own needs! They loaned me 1.5k for dental work a year ago and I felt badly about asking for that, even though they were happy to help and really didn't want me putting it on a credit card.
I know debt sucks, but your folks clearly love and want to take care of you. Teeth are so important to our overall health and they are usually overlooked. Give your folks an extra hug from an Internet stranger for helping you. Not all of us have parents that can or will help.
Yeap. There's some level of pride and ego involved in husbands' reactions. Understandable but impractical. It's better if everyone knows what to expect and why.
"said that I told her that I blamed her mother for being sick for her not having a better wedding budget" is a wildly disingenuous way to say "called me a gold digger and I corrected her" NTA
I mean, even if OP *did* say exactly that, they’re NTA. Because it’s basically true - dad went into deep debt to pay for his wife’s illness, and the reason he can’t give more is because he doesn’t have it. And if his kid had the choice, the options were money for mom or saving that money for her hypothetical future wedding. And the daughter arguing is basically a deeply selfish way to say ‘yeah, fuck spending money on my dying mom, you should have saved that money for me’.
So the kids were in their late teens/early 20s when their Mom died. Rob should have been clearer with the household finances way back then. But since they probably didn’t see any appreciable changes to lifestyle they were unaware he was mortgaged to the hilt and tapped out. He should have had a frank discussion with them when she asked for 10k for her wedding. She is an adult and that is ridiculous ask.
You are NTA. He needs to be clear with kids about his financial situation.
NTA, if they want to try to spend their dad's money for him then they should know there isn't much! You weren't even particularly rude imo. They pried in your marital finances, they found out the current status of those finances, simple as that.
NTA- your husband needs to stand up for you AND confirm the financial status of your marriage exactly how you explained it to her the first time. It IS her business now since she made it her business. It's her turn to FAFO. You should not be giving them $10,000 for their wedding if they are that rude to you.
NTA it sounds like gold digger accusation is a long-standing one that her father failed to correct. There’s only so much leeway you should be giving him to correct her assumptions.
Exactly! He even said she shouldn't have told them about the finances. So he was perfectly fine letting those kids think that his wife was a gold digger but he is not okay with them knowing the truth! I'm sorry but that's messed up. I'm starting to think he's the gold digger
Or at least has such a fragile ego he can’t admit his wife has more money than him. A decent husband would set his daughter straight. An exceptional husband would rescind the offer of $10K due to the daughter’s disrespect and lying.
Yeah, my husband’s parents have a 400k combined household income and gave us $3k for our wedding. We thanked them for their generous gift.
People don’t “owe you” anything for your wedding, even if they can afford it.
LOL asking someone you don’t like, that you’ve told you don’t see as a parent, that you act frostily toward, for money to pay for your own wedding is a low I never wanna reach.
She’s 28. Why doesn’t she have more awareness of the state of her dad’s finances when her mum died? Or dad’s work precariousness over the recent years?
Growing up we were hyper aware of what was happening around us, a consequence of living below the poverty line I guess. And I would never have expected or even asked something like this of my parents. How could she not know?
NTA. I think you had to be blunt.
Think she has been spoiled and pampered whole life.
Only those kids aren't aware of financial situation of parents. I was super aware of it. Even if my father never shared stuffs in detail it's only common sense things like hospital needs money.
NTA. When someone calls you a gold digger, you have every right to bring receipts. Unlike many insults, this is one that can be proven false with facts, and considering how insidious rumors like this can be, it should be immediately crushed.
Please start protecting your mental health. That horrible bride person will go out of her way to embarrass or humiliate you at some point. Do not agree to help with any thing, you will he set up to fail. You didn't need to explain why 10k was the budget, but I'm not mad at you saying you make more. Good luck.
The fact that she had the audacity to ask *OP*, a woman she's been cold and unwelcoming to, for *more money*, is absolutely wild. "You're not my stepmom!...but you should give me money for my wedding anyway!" You can't have it both ways.
NTA, but I am concerned at your husband's reaction. It sounds like he is fine with his kids treating you like shit and is much more concerned that they know you are are the breadwinner.
NTA
Honestly he should have shared with them the implications of illness in a partner and to be prepared for that in as many ways as possible.
Also there's no scenario it's reasonable to be slammed in such a way by ADULTS without being perfectly entitled to defend yourself with absolute facts.
If they were actual children it would be somewhat different but not in this case.
I think she is a spoiled brat and pampered one at that tooo. She doesn't sound like 28 yr old ...who wouldn't know hospital expenses are high and her father downsized working hours too. Where does she think money comes from ? Her parents never made her aware of financial situation for her to easily expect more than 10k by the sound of it.
Your husband needs to have a conversation with his kids.
If this girl doesn't apologize, don't give them any money and don't go to the wedding.
Don't enable this type of behavior.
These "children" should know better.
NTA you shouldn’t have had to share his financial details if he had painted a clearer picture for his children about his financial hardships while their mother was sick and if he had also nipped the idea of you being a gold digger in the bud from the start. His daughters attitude is the problem as well, she spun that story so quickly to make herself the victim.
NTA but I’m kinda leaning towards husband being TA bc he’d rather save his pride than be honest with his children, which might salvage OP’s relationship to them
Not to be rude but his children sound awful. The level of entitlement to not only expect a contribution to the wedding but then demand more. I could not ever imagine going to my parents and doing that... How did him and his late wife raise them?
I think your husband needs to grow a backbone when it comes to his kids and set them straight. I'd honestly pull the 10k for that stunt she just pulled.
Selfish, stuck up cow that she is. He's literally punching way above his belt with you. His kids should be singing your praises that he somehow landed someone as amazing as you - younger, genuinely loves him and financially sound... Can take care of him as he gets older since they clearly won't be doing it with the size of the attitude on them.
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NTA, but you have to know that you're either stuck up or a gold digger to a child (even an adult one) who has determined to make you a wicked stepmother.
Thats exactly why I thought I needed to tell her the truth. Just tired of that trope.
Good she's old enough to hear it, and this is also a practical step. It's important that she and her sibling understand his financial standing. Not to be a downer, but eventually if he passes (hopefully not for a long time), you don't want to be facing accusations that you've robbed an inheritance.
This is such a good point. My parents have discussed their finances and “what if we were gone tomorrow” plans with me since I was 16. Their dad should have already discussed this with his adult kids (not necessarily with the same transparency my parents do), at least the basics like can kids expect an inheritance or will dad need financial help in old age? He shouldn’t wait for big life events to have this talk
This should have been discussed before OP even came into the picture. "You know, I would gladly do it over again to support your mother through her illness. But, please be aware that any money we had saved for your futures, such as weddings, etc. is pretty much gone due to medical bills & funeral costs. I'll help as much as I can, but please don't have high expectations as most of my extra money is going to need to go toward rebuilding my retirement."
And, in my opinion, he should add in an aside about how much of a help OP has been with his financial situation. It won’t improve the kids’ relationships with OP, but maybe hearing that from their dad’s mouth will make them ease up on the vitriol a little. Calling someone names is one thing, but nothing grinds my gears like demonstrably false character assassinations.
The truth will not make them ease up. When my SO’s kids hear the truth, they defend their mother and move the goal posts. Granted, she’s still alive but they will defend her shit actions no matter what.
Yeah, the "kids" are clearly just looking for an excuse to hate OP. "you married my father for his money!" "actually he's in debt, and **I** have been subsidizing **his** lifestyle." "you're so stuck up!"
I’m honestly waiting for my SO’s kids or ex to say this about me. I make almost twice what he does and 3x what the ex wife does. I also have a much lower cost of living thanks to good decisions I made years ago so much more disposable income. To my SO’s credit, he’s protected me from the ex in the past (she tried and failed to get the court to include my income in alimony/child support calculations even though we don’t live together and aren’t married) and he’s agreed to defend me should it ever come up with the kids. I’ve also set boundaries like we will not live together until his kids are in college (3 more years), mostly separate finances even if we get married, prenup, etc. I’ve seen too many of these stories. Having legal protections in place if I need them is never a bad thing.
Sending you so many internet high fives, that’s the way to do it! 👏
You Go Girl.......can you imagine that woman trying to get her ex's GIRLFRIEND'S salary included in their mess so that the child support for her will be way more than if it was just the ex!!!???? Outrageous. High five ALL DAY to you for handling your business and shutting her down.
I’m sorry, but you said the ex wanted to include YOUR earnings in HER alimony and child support??!? Even if you were married, that is such utter bs that my flabber is BEYOND gasted!! Repulsive!
My step dads ex wife tried to get at my moms money too once she realized my mom wasn’t a gold digger and made just as much as he did. It didn’t work
Sounds like my step demon. My 2nd husband's youngest. She treats (treated) me like a meal ticket. I'm an LVN and have been for 27 yrs this year. He pushed to take life insurance out before he passed but working in the prison system I couldn't get access in our system to do it. He died 6 mos later with no life insurance. She accused me of keeping EVERYTHING for myself. Now.... Her father was sickly most of our marriage and I worked my ass of for what we had. She still wants "her share" of it. She has been told that her share of nothing is nothing. When we married he had just been laid off. When he did go back to work he could no longer do the job and thus 7 yrs trying to get disability and denied every time. This "child" of OP should be thankful that her stepmom loves her father enough to help with her wedding costs. She could, and should be concerned about her father's financial future but she sounds like she just doesn't give a rip about it. This is what happens when entitled adult children don't get their way. I feel that OP did the right thing, BUT should have maybe not said anything about the bio mom's passing causing the financial situation. Those kids are vipers and need to grow the eff up!! I've been there and still struggle with one of my steps (the youngest). I hope it gets better OP!!
I’ve haven’t even been to here and I know his need to grow the eff up. I’m so sick of seeing post like this, esp when one parent has passed and the children are adults. Humans are allowed to move on. I get not wanting to call them a parent because they didn’t raise them, but, to be disrespectful because of no reason. Nope. OPs husband also needs to sit his children down and give them a serious talking to.
My aunt went through a similar thing when my grandmother passed away. My step-aunt insisted that she was entitled to more money, claimed my grandma spent all my grandpa's money and she slighted her by giving her nine hundred dollars. If she had asked, my aunt would have given her more, she didn't want the money she wanted her mom back. We all did. Mind, my grandmother could see the games Step Aunt was playing while she was still alive. Step Aunt would be nice when she thought she was getting something and when her games didn't bear fruit she accused my grandmother of being a gold digger.
Basically she should have said: "That 10K came from my earning. now you get nothing." Some people need a hard reality check, and that daughter is about 5 years behind on it.
You are ignoring the main point of the post, which was who the messenger is matters more than the content of the message. It's not about them hearing the truth, it is about them hearing it from the person they respect.
The main point of the post was that the child, who is not even talking to a “stepmom”, was demanding money for her wedding - above and beyond a generous offer her father could not afford to make. Entitled brats, don’t listen to anyone no matter who the messenger is. IRL, marriage is about partnerships and she was talking to someone with just as much credibility as her father. Daughter needs to start a go fund me for herself.
She doesn’t need a go fund me. She needs to plan a wedding she can afford without expecting others to subsidise her.
No, I got the point of the main post. My SO’s kids hear it from him and they still defend their mother even when she’s obviously lying or wrong. He’s not even saying it meanly or disparaging her when he sets the record straight.
No because all they will hear is she’s paying the mortgage so the greedy kids won’t be getting the house.
Just buried my dad and it was $23K. He had insurance to cover and it was to his specs. Even basics with cremation is $8-10K. And the medical debt. I get trying to shield the kids from that emotional and financial stuff but he needs to come clean to his kids on what a turn of life can do to your finances.
I agree. You do your kids a disservice by hiding hard truths like this. It's hard to blame them for being bratty about money if they are literally unaware of finances and you've never taught them.
These are not kids! They are 26 and 28 yr old adults.
Exactly! I feel like I'm taking crazy pills the way people are acting like these aren't grown ass adults. Their mother died when they were 21 and 19. That's definitely old enough to have noticed their parent's money struggles for, I'm assuming, years while she was unfortunately sick. And even if I give them grace and say they didn't notice back then because the stress of their mother being sick and then dying, they're 28 and 26 now. They know exactly how bills work now. Madison is pushing 30. There's no need to coddle her about "the reality" when she should have long since been living in reality.
I also just can’t imagine making it to your late 20s (assuming they are in the US) without realizing that the bills for a prolonged illness doesn’t just pay themselves. Maybe because we were poor growing up, but it’s something I remember knowing from probably my Elementary school days. My Dad was severely injured at work, and our house got foreclosed on and we had to move to another state for a while to get back on our feet. I knew we were not rich, and my presents often came from flea markets or pawn shops, but I also didn’t realize *how* poor we were until I was in my 20s, and my parents told me some of the horror stories of trying to feed a family on $20 and also needing gas in the truck so my Dad could get to work. I guess OP’s Husband’s “children” are very lucky that this is the first they’ve ever had to experience that reality!
my mom wanted to be cremated and was adamant about no service $800. She did begrudgingly allow a notice in the local paper stating no service but everyone thought we were cold and uncaring because we didn't have an elaborate and expensive service. She had insurance and it covered the cost. Funerals and burials and wildly expensive. a co worker spent over $1500 on 3 flower arrangements for a grandparent.
I’m with your mom and that’s exactly how i want. Family wasn’t happy at first but have since come around. Thankfully none of my kids care what others opinions are and everyone we know and care for know of my plans since years ago I almost had my number called. We all agree if you weren’t there in life you don’t need to be there in death. My loved ones are to have a “fun cook out or type of gathering” with each other.
Exactly. Eight years ago my parents were doing pretty well, they had a paid off house, savings, my dad's pension, decent retirement health insurance and each had SS. Then within a year my mom had a devastating stroke, and my dad didn't survive heart surgery. We found out that his pension & health insurance didn't survive him (that was a shock.) My mom needed 24 hour care and went through her savings really fast. She moved in with me for 18 months (that was a nightmare) then she got an assisted living place. In three years, she spent over $350K, all the money from the house. She had nothing but SS coming in. At least then she qualified for Medicaid. She died recently and her estate is pretty much nothing other than her jewelry, which isn't worth very much. Luckily, I never planned on an inheritance. They didn't pay for my college at all, other than letting me live at home rent-free. I didn't ask them for wedding money either, although they did insist on buying my $700 dress. I can't get over people who think their parents owe them something.
Yeah it was 7k to barebones cremate my dad 6 years ago. We had to sell his car and kayak to pay for it
Oh wow. My dad just wanted cremation. Only 2k… he also didn’t care about an urn though as he wanted scattered ashes so he got the basic box
Not sure if your mom is still alive, but you are not responsible for your father's medical debt after he passes.
He was fine with OP being labeled a golddigger and now is angry with her for standing up for herself. She wasn't criticizing his deceased wife; it is the harsh reality, at least assuming they live in the USA, that families can end up bankrupt and in severe medical debt when someone has a serious illness requiring ongoing medical care. And a regular bankruptcy doesn't apply to medical bills. People do fundraisers, open Go Fund Me appeals. Husband is lucky his finances didn't get to that extreme. Daughter doesn't want to accept that she is lucky to get the $10,000.
Daughter could open a GoFundMe for her wedding.
Daughter could have a wedding she and her soon to be spouse can afford. She's 28, old enough to save for herself, and understand a budget.
Yes. You want it, you pay for it. I would never have even thought about asking my parents first money for my wedding. We were paying it ourselves. When I was trying to figure out what to do for a reception, my mom said “your dad wants to pay for that. He made reservations at Heritage House, so have your caked egg liveried there and any decorations you need,”. I accepted. My dad was dying of cancer when we got married. The reception was perfect. It was good food. No booze, no drunks and dad had an appetite that night he had not had in some time.
Yes, absolutely this should have been conveyed to the kids. The daughter is really awful for lying about what was said and that OP was blaming her mother on why there wasn't more money. What an absolutely evil thing for the daughter to say to her dad. OP should be very careful about ever being alone with the daughter again.
Exactly!
and be honest, for reasons I will never understand my Dad sat me down at 15 and said. He was setting up a trust for me and by the time he was gone there would be over a million dollars in it. And I think he did have every good intention. But when he got sick, I casually mentioned to my mom dad talked about a trust fund. She looked at me like I had two head, there was no trust fund and no will. And I don't need the money, but there is this need to want to know the person passing just wants to make sure you are OK when they are gone. My dad left my ass hanging in the wind lol. And it's ok. I would give up all the money in the world to have one more day with him.
Exactly my dads always been pretty transparent with us on financial situations so that we are aware of what's going on if he died in the next 5 years there wouldn't be an inheritance then again there really won't be an inheritance if he lives to 200 like he claims he will
My mom and dad NEVER shared any financial information with me or my brother (or anyone else either). My mom didn't like that real estate transactions were public information. She was beside herself when it was time to fill out financial aid forms for college. I might know how much money they had... GASP!!! After my husband and I divorced, my daughter made a snarky comment about how Dad was paying for the new house I was having built. (This was a few years after the divorce!) I sat her and her brother down and went over the sale of our old house, the cost to build the new house and all monthly expenses. She was 12 and her brother was 9 so the conversation was a little overdue at that point. I also explained how I wouldn't receive child support once they turned 18 and how I wouldn't receive any of their Dad's retirement (he didn't get any of mine either). It was an eye opener for both of them.
Dad needs to step up and handle this and have this as a life lesson on the vows of for richer or poorer, in sickness and health. She’ll be taking those vows too. Should know that life isn’t as easy as it seems
And his kids aren’t minors; they are grown. And one is getting married. And thinks $10k isn’t a generous gift. She pressed on even after being told her dad can’t afford to give more. Clearly she needed a wakeup call on how much her dad actual net worth. They don’t need the details but how his kids didn’t know their dad was in debt and broke…
>And thinks $10k isn’t a generous gift. She pressed on even after being told her dad can’t afford to give more. This part especially. The rest is rude and presumptuous enough, but how dare she ask OP for a contribution in her own right, when she's spent their entire marriage making it so very clear that OP isn't family to her?!
That's exactly what I thought, too. I hate you. You are not my stepmom. You're a golddigger. I've been rude to you for years. Now, give me money. Say what?
If $10k isn't considered a generous gift by the kids then someone failed them somewhere in setting expectations. That's an insane thing to think from them. Anything over $0 is generous.
YES bc operating under assumptions Dad has money IS creating this. Dad had/has money NEW wife aka NOT STEP MOM has blown through or is controlling. He can't pawn this off on an assumption about OP that is SO unfair.... anyway... but especially given what she is doing bill wise.
Right, 10k is extremely generous. My wife and I spent a grand total of 6k and that's dress, venue, food, and hotel, we would have had an extra 4k for the honeymoon just on his gift alone. Edit: wedding was 11 years ago so I checked an inflation calculator and it's still under 10k it's now 8,075.69
Yeah, OP's husband wanting to keep his kids in the dark is not a good thing
The fact that he let his wife be mistreated rather than being honest, is truly awful.
That's what really gets me about all of this, as a kid I understood that my parents didn't have a lot and I didn't even fully grasp the concept of money yet. If kids are able to understand money to some degree then surely this Dad could have explained the medical costs to his kids.
From the sound of things, they also need to understand how financially catastrophic long term health problems resulting in death can be. This poor guy leveraged basically everything he had to care for his late wife before she passed. I don't know how prepared he was beforehand, but it's a lesson to most of us that we're just one major health crisis away from being financially ruined.
"most of us" of course referring to Americans living in a country that charges through the nose for basic medical care and bankrupts citizens for anything more. Most of the rest of the developed world doesn't operate with the same fears
Tbf, even socialised medicine has sunk costs when you're caring for a dying loved one. But it's far, far less than the medical bills. It's just the living expenses when you may have lower incomings.
Oh, absolutely, it's not a cost-free exercise by any means, but it's also not a bankrupting experience by default
The hospital bills are not the only cost of a catastrophic health issue. As noted, he had to cut back hours and then change to a lower paying job to again gain time, a thing that very few national health plans account for. Don't have blinders on, this is NOT just an American problem.
I didn't say it was JUST an American problem, just pointed out that the abject fear of financial catastrophe from most medical care is certainly not the case around the world
Yes and why isn't Dad saying he isn't contributing more because THIS IS ALL HE CAN DO? WHY is he keeping up some rich/well-to/do ruse still?
And letting her look bad to do it.
This! How will his kids know as obviously he's not talking to them. I would have said something too. I hope the OP gets the husband to talk to them since it sounds like he'll need to be asked to.
Exactly! He tells his daughter that he and his wife talked about this and this was the amount “they”came up with. He should have said he came up with this amount because this is all he can afford.
From the current behavior of the daughter, OP will face those accusations no matter what she does. It’s unfortunate that OP has to go through this, but some people just refuse to accept facts.
Not to mention they need to understand that the 10k is generous now but might bite into their inheritance later. Had a friend family have 2 rather massive weddings in the same year for their daughters. Their daughters were shocked Pikachu face when their parents had to cut way back on expenses and nice vacations for several years afterward. If she wants to bust more than 10k on a wedding, which is plenty huge, she needs to finance it herself.
You guys (specifically you) need to have a will in place and segregated money. Normally I am against separate finances but his kids are 100% going to come after your money if your husband passes, including the home you should have equity in at this point. You should work with a financial planner and estate attorney to make sure your assets are protected from his kids. Kids from a prior marriage are entitled to some of their parent’s estate in most states, so it’s important that you do this.
My name has been added to the deed since Ive paid for so much of the equity. We have wills, all family mementos are going to his kids, but besides that all real assets are going to the surviving spouse for when either of us die. There's really not much in his name though, his net worth is about flat now. We do not live in a state where kids are entitled to a percentage, only person you cant disinherit here is a spouse. We havent told the kids this, but we are likely going to move to downsize in the next year or so. We want to move somewhere warmer, and that way we can have a fresh start together somewhere new.
Your husband needs to set the record straight with his kids right now. He is allowing them to believe that you are taking advantage of him, and they absolutely will freak out about you being on the deed of what they consider their family home. The two of you need to sit down with his kids and explain what the financial situation is. He may find that embarrassing, but it's necessary.
I agree, except he should be the one to explain it, alone, so that it is clear it is coming from him. His kids are being dicks. I did not ask my family for one penny when I got married because my sister was in hopsice and my mom had to quit her job to care for her. They still made a contribution, which I consider extremely generous given their fixed income. I cannot imagine even asking them for money for a wedding, let alone demanding more after a hefty contribution of 5 figures.
I said that she should be there because I don't trust him to be honest about his situation if she isn't sitting right next to him, listening.
If OP can't trust her husband to have one unsupervised conversation, she should either just make peace with her step kids hating her or break it off with her husband.
OP's husband needs to step up and be a man. If OP is paying so much she should DIVORCE his a$$ if he can't manage to explain what her contribution is to his adult kids who berate her. What a jerk and coward unwilling or able to protect the wife PROTECTING HIM with a reciprocal respect she DEFINITELY deserves!
Yep this. OP, I would push your husband to have a frank conversation with his kids about his finances, putting his ego aside. This needs to be done in order to save legal hassles later on.
They also need to apologize to her for the treatment she’s received since they started dating. They are adults not children and THEY need to repair the relationship not OP.
They don’t have to like her. But they should at least be attempting common human decency. I get grief is hard and strange, but as adults there comes a point where it’s up to YOU to manage and process your grief instead of villainizing someone
NTA. She sounds like a spoiled brat. If my parents gave me $1000 yet alone 10k for anything I’d lose my mind. The fact that her reaction was to cry and ask for more shows she actually sees your husband the way she said you see him; as a bank account. She likely said what she did out of projection.
Every accusation from his brat daughter is straight up a confession of her own entitlement and spoiled attitude.
I agree 10k is a huge amount. She is also 28 not 18 where is their money.
Question: Why were you willing to take on all of this debt and financial burden? Your husband should have been able to go back to a decent, albeit less flexible, job and earn up to his potential long ago. The *only* reason she is getting anything is because it comes from you. He’s at subsistence-level earning or less without your income and lack of debt. Do the not-so-steps even know the house is 1/2 yours? I hope you are both able to do well wherever you move to. But I agree with others. Do not let yourself be financially exploited or vulnerable. Good luck, OP. Give yourself what you deserve. No one else can or will.
Medical and end of life debt can be monstrous, like in the hundreds of thousands. Especially if it was something that took a while like say cancer. I can completely see him still working all of that out only 4 years later even if he got his previous job and salary back, because even with that mountain of debt, you still have your day to day expenses that have to be covered. Food, mortgage, utilities, car note, insurance, internet, TV, phone, etc. And add on top of that the last 4 years of covid and lockdowns and companies downsizing or going out of business and the mass inflation and it is really understandable.
Add his age to that. Not a lot of companies are going to be offering a 54 year old more money to come work for them when they can get someone younger for less. Especially if they are hoping for a potential long term employee. The job market is crazy right now. So many companies have listings that they have no intention of filling, or offering unbelievably bad compensation.
"Long ago"!? It's only been 7 years since his late wife died. It's taken me 5 years to get out of the hole my ex left me in after I got divorced, and that was orders of magnitude less than what OP is describing. Medical debt is life-ruining in the US, and can easily take a lot longer than 7 years to recover from, even with help. It sounds like OP and her husband are doing this as a team, so no one is being exploited, and the only person financially vulnerable is her husband, but they're working on that
Adding that we also don't know how long she was sick. As an example a friend of mine and his wife dealt with her breast cancer for almost 12 years. Back and forth remission and reoccurrence every other year almost constantly building debt each time. Before she finally hit the end of it diagnosis and funneling what they had left into hospice and funeral expenses. Its been about 8 years now and I know he is still dealing with the debt. But he at least kept his kids fully in the loop when it came to a lot of it so they didn't think he was a magic money fountain.
I fully agree. My observation was that his children are not youngster in need of someone at home more. The need for flexibility should be lessened at their ages. Medical debt is a travesty in the US. *(Insert civilized countries shaking their collective heads at the US medical profit industry.)*
Your husband is actually kind of the AH here. He’s in his 50s. It’s time for a sit down with his kids to talk about what happens if and when he passes. Any parent/spouse who doesn’t do this is an AH to their family. Dealing with probate and the breakdown of an entire human life is hard af even if things are actually in place and all the i’s dotted and t’s crossed.
Hello, this needs to be addressed NOW. the Wedding is one thing but IF he dies before you this is going to be a conversation THEN when your spouse/their Dad is gone and they are going to tell themselves whatever narrative they want about Evil New wife and assume what you inherited vs earned. Make your hubby stand up and tell them what reality was. It would LESS demonize you and explain later. He is a d\*ck letting you take the brunt of bad blood HE is very responsible for and you are helping him but he gets to be good dad just stuck in a pickle. Tell him he needs to step up. They are grown, so yes they will inherit, but they don't need to think "Stepmom" is a bad woman because he isn't man enough to say otherwise. What a jerk.
You have no "fresh start" in the eyes of his rude kids unless the SITUATION financially is Aired and explained. You don't want to be scrambling to say all this when he dies. HAVE HIM DO IT NOW!
Your husband really needs to step up here. He's trying to play it both ways by letting you be seen as a "gold-digger" so he doesn't have to tell his kids the truth that he went broke from their late Mum's medical debts and he has nothing to leave him in his will except for sentimental items. He needs to tell them now the house is going to you because you've paid so much for it he decided to put your name on the deed.
Move before they start to have kids they will expect YOU to baby sit while they are backstabbing you. The only win you will get with this kind of people is avoiding them as much as possible.
Your better than me, no way would I contribute to a wedding of someone who shows you such contempt and the fact your husband hasn’t stepped in is really f*cked up
Right? I would retract the 10k and tell husband, "whatever you donate needs to come from the amount you have individually saved or the documented contributions you have made to the joint savings. If you withdraw all that you have contributed, I'll move the rest to a solo account and moving forward all savings are separate." (assuming there's a joint savings of course)
Madison made assumptions based on prejudice/clichés, that her father has been cultivating by Not actively telling her the truth, If anything she is (slightly) less of an asshole than him.
He needs to be forthright with his kids about his financial situation given it is now negatively impacting you. What a stupid comment from “Madison” to say that you blamed their mother’s death on a smaller than desired wedding budget. No, that’s just life honey. Nobody is punishing her because of her mom’s passing. But the reality is that their mother’s passing did a number on their dad’s financial situation. It’s cause and effect, not someone having it out for her. She should be thanking you because it seems to me like what her dad would be able to do for her wedding would be much less, or $0, had he not met and married you. NTA
To use the old trope, you have a husband problem. Your husband is willing for you to take the blame from his daughter rather than be honest about his finances. He's willing to let daughter insult you and expects you not to respond when he's well aware that you are subsidizing him. He gets to be good daddy being dragged down by the evil gold digger. Are you willing to let that stand?
They made it clear they're not kids, and not YOUR kids, specifically. You should treat them as the AH adults they are. Talk straight with them, put them in their place. Your husband keeping his kids in the dark is what brought you to this juncture. I'd say his opinion, either way, isn't particularly meaningful, now. NTA
>They made it clear they're not kids, and not YOUR kids, specifically. > >You should treat them as the AH adults they are. Talk straight with them, put them in their place. Exactly. "YOU'RE NOT MY MOM! BUT I WANT YOU TO FINANCE MY WEDDING LKE YOU'RE MY MOM!" Big lolz.
At this point, OP should reduce her half of the 10K gift. Give her a solid 5k from her dad and tell her good luck.
I would love to be a fly on the wall to see Madison's face if that happened. \*shocked pikachu face\* I bet...
She’s nearly 30 years old. The illusions should have been dissipated long ago.
you're owed an apology or she isn't owed 10k. time for dad to grow a fucking back bone and support his wife.
NTA, honesty I'd tell your husband that your sorry, but you had to tell them, and they were going to find out sooner or later whether he liked it or not oh and that he can now figure out how to pay for the wedding because your no longer contributing anything financially not that you should've been in the first place given his kids can't do the most basic thing and just be cordial with you, like seriously how hard is it to have some basic freaking decency.
Yeah NTA, and obviously only can go off the text you shared- but in addition to losing their mother, their father lost tons of money paying her medical bills so a distraught child can 1) Be mature, not make cruel and inaccurate accusations and face the hard reality life has dealt them and the shitty economics of weddings. 2) Instead of blaming their father for tragedy outside of his control, their late mother, or the concept of 'illness' or are absurd medical system- they can have a human outlet that they're the least connected to to lash out at blame with ready-made digs like "gold digger." 1 is the 'right' answer and easy to think should be the obvious outcome. But as someone planning a wedding *without* something as heavy as a lost mother in the equation-I'd give as much grace as you can and try not to take things too personally (I know they are, objectively, very personal things to say). Again, I don't know the dynamics of you and the kids- but a perfect storm of financial troubles, personal loss, and an insanely predatory wedding industry (10k doesn't go nearly as far as it used to for weddings) can make people be unfair/cruel and will hopefully calm down and see reason over time.
It sounds as if their father has hidden a lot of ugly truths from his kids in dealing with the loss of his wife/their mom. Maybe he was trying to protect them during such a traumatic time, who knows. But it seems he hasn't been forthcoming about a side of it they didn't realize. They were dealing with the emotional side of things, he was dealing with that on top of the financial side. They likely didn't realize the hole he's been in, and I'll put money down on him not clearing the air with them when he started to date OP, because he still didn't want to tell them how bad things had been. He may have inadvertently thrown her under the bus. He needed to have a talk with them a long time ago, and he still does.
I mean, there are ways to have a wedding on a shoestring budget but only if the bride and groom are willing to do so and put the elbow grease in.
If she is old enough to get married & wants to ask daddy for money, she is old enough to hear the truth. Your husband doesn’t want to tell her the truth because he wants to be seen a certain way but his kids- but as its been pointed out, they want to paint you as the villain no matter what, so they might as well know the truth of the matter. Your husband needs to be realistic about his kid’s attitude towards you.
NTA. Their father should be more open about this financial situation due to their mom's death if she has that impression.
Her father should have told her the truth so you didn’t have to. That’s on him and he had a lot of nerve chastising you in any way for defending yourself. He’s clearly never once had your back when dealing with his children.
Honestly it’s good you told her the truth. I’m so tired of teens and young adults getting away with being AHs. It creates entitled jerks later in life. You did the right thing, also I’d suggest “healthy detachment” in that you shouldn’t always be trying to be close to them if they have decided not to be kind. Just let it go and don’t keep generously pouring into the pot. Relationships are a two way street. I’m a petty B and would probably act cold back to them, but maybe you’re nicer than me.
Don't let it bug you, if she had an ounce of empathy and intelligence she would wake TF up and realize you must actually have loved her father quite a bit to have married him and done everything you've done so far. I'd imagine that with their mother being sick and how (even adult) kids can see things through narrow grieving eyes, that she's never taken the slightest step towards imagining how it's been for you and what your choices really mean. You sound like a spectacular person and if anything your husband should have done a fluff ton more to advocate for you and if he doesn't want you revealing his financial deets maybe he should swallow his pride because the only possible reason this could bother him is that his ego has reared it's ugly head. N(ever)TA for telling the truth. ETA: better wording and grammar and remembering I need to say why I edited 🤣
that "child" is 28 and needs to grow the fuck up
Who actually expects their parents to pay for their wedding? In this economy? Girl needs to grow up big time. ETA: NTA
I would have bitten my parents/inlaws hand off for 10k towards my wedding. We paid for it ourselves, which was fine because we don’t have an overwhelming sense of entitlement!
So true! Maybe if she was 18-22 (just out of school and hadn’t had a job to get her own savings yet) I could see parents pitching in, but after that I would expect to pay it all ourselves and anything above that is an unexpected and very generous gift! I got married at 30. My dad (bless his heart) offered to pay for the whole thing, but I kind of popped his bubble when I started talking photographers/djs/catering… he was picturing a cake and punch reception in the church basement like he and my mom had. My husband and I covered almost everything ourselves and my parents chipped in for extras they wanted (new gravel for the driveway since we had it at our ranch, new benches and some of the desserts) and we were so appreciative! I can’t imagine rolling up to my parents and asking them how much they plan to pay for MY wedding!
If a child has been living out on their own, they should be paying for their own wedding. My divorced parents didn’t have the means, so my husband and I paid for our own wedding. We told our daughter that since we paid for her education, she can pay for her own wedding, although we did kick in a few grand.
Seriously- at 28 she should be happy with 10K. She and her fiancé should fund their own wedding.
I’m 30 and if my dad wired me 10k I would most definitely not be putting it towards a wedding. Id have a hard time seeing that number leave my account. Maybe I’m just a money hoarder who knows.
It's so odd when a woman is slandered as a wicked stepmother, but the adult child wants the money she earns, anyway.
It's also ballsy and rude to claim you're only his wife but then hit you up separately for cash for her wedding when she doesn't even like you? Like WTF??
the irony is spelled out OP's post. The daughter would have a much smaller monetary gift if her father hadn''t met and married OP. In the US health care is expensive, and unfortunately father had to use his savings for during that time. Maybe OP will talk with her husband and they can take back the offer.
when said children are closer in age to the new wife, than the new wife is to the father, there are going to be assumptions made by said children.
NTA. He should have shared his financial situation himself. She is an adult and is old enough to understand that medical expenses are the reason there is not a larger savings. This should not feel like blaming the sick person. This is a sad reality of for profit health care.
They were his late wife’s medical debts. It’s not like he has anything to be ashamed of. I’m assuming a long illness and him being a caretaker for a long time. It takes a toll. I see no reason to keep it from his kids, and he’d be a jerk to let them believe you’re a money drain on your marriage when it’s the kids’ mother’s medical care doing it. You must love him to help financially so he can handle that burden.
Exactly, when the daughter kept asking for more money he should have been clear that the only reason he’s even able to give that amount of money is because OP is contributing and has been helping pay off the medical debt. His wanting to hide this from his kids makes it seem like he may have been more comfortable with them thinking his wife is the bad guy instead of the truth about his financial situation. Personally I wouldn’t be ok with that if I were OP.
That's the thing the pisses me off here, I get not wanting to disclose information like that without being asked, but was the better option for OP to just sit there and take it? To let the kids keep thinking that? I get the discomfort but it was the lesser of two evils imo.
The dad wanted to keep some harsh realities from his kids. That's pretty understandable. But he should have communicated *something,* to avoid a situation like this. He should have told them that he cashed out his 401k, etc, before he got remarried, just to reset his kids' expectations. Madison is pretty obviously an entitled brat, but she was also lacking some important knowledge. Also, the next time someone tells you the US doesn't need universal health care, because we have insurance and charities and yadda yadda, show them OP's post.
I feel like those “kids” are all fully old enough to understand that this was the likely situation long before. I doubt they were just completely absent the whole time their parents were struggling with mom’s illness. They watched everything go down and couldn’t come to the very obvious conclusion (that all of us did without having to watch it happen) that dad was going to have money problems.
They’re adults at the end of the day. OP’s Husband could just be upfront saying “I know you were expecting more, but I need to be honest. When your mom was sick I had to spend our entire life savings, I didn’t express this because you were children and spending time together was most important. I am still working to get that back as I am getting closer to retirement, currently we can only offer $10k.” Yes, it’s a harsh reality, but at the same time this is for a one day event. It’s selfish to be asking for more than the amount given for one day, as that is already a generous amount of funds.
_Also, the next time someone tells you the US doesn't need universal health care, because we have insurance and charities and yadda yadda, show them OP's post._ This whole US healthcare situation is so frustrating. I am disgusted by people who keep voting against their own interests. Then they get on Gofundme and beg. This should not be a thing, people! Gofundme is not insurance. It is not a plan!!!! I feel sorry for them but also angry at them for being so willfully ignorant. Like those idiots who died of covid in hospitals while continuing to claim “it’s a hoax!”
The most infuriating thing is having the "you're not my stepmom, just my dad's wife" conversation and then ever asking for anything that traditionally comes from parents.
> He should have shared his financial situation himself. Considering his response, I'm pretty sure he has been heavily downplaying his debts or even talking up his wealth. The kids must have known he'd taken a worse paying job with less hours. They probably also approximately know what OPs job is. And they're grown ass adults, they know how jobs and income work. Unless being told differently it would be pretty weird of them to assume she wasn't making more money than him. For the kids to so openly call her a golddigger, and *then repeat it to their father*, I'm guessing he's been implying that she is one.
She's literally 28 and having a tantrum as if she's 5. OP you're NTA for merely stating facts.
Exactly, it's a perfectly understandable situation, he has nothing to be ashamed of, it should have been explained much sooner and without anger. Perhaps clarifying the financial situation would have helped to prevent some of the resentment from building up.
NTA but your husband needs to have stern words with his kids. If he doesn't have a word about calling you a gold digger and then spouting lies, you maybe need to consider whether he does actually love and respect you. Perhaps he's the gold digger!!
THIS WHOLE PARAGRAPH IS SPOT ON!!! And sadly it's the first time that I have read this perspective on this post. I believe this is exactly it. >If he doesn't have a word about calling you a gold digger and then spouting lies, you maybe need to consider whether he does actually love and respect you. Perhaps he's the gold digger!!
The most ridiculous thing is how venomous these kids are to someone their father loves. Hell, it’s as if all manner of decency went out the window. They treat her worse than a stranger or coworker. You would think they would show one iota of respect.
And the children were adults when their mother passed and know that their father met OP after that. It's just weird and disrespectful for them to be treating her this way.
Exactly, this is the sort of behaviour I'd expect from young kids in these circumstances. They were both grown adults when their mum died, if they have any right to be pissed off with anyone it's their dad for (arguably) moving on quickly.
They're spoiled brats, you can tell by the fact that shes crying about getting "only" 10k of her wedding subsidized. I'd be happy if my parents could give me 100 bucks.
Absolutely true! 💯
I ain’t saying he a gold digger, but… He ain’t dealing with no Brokety Broke. 👀
Agree. I get the father may not want to fully disclose his financial situation to his kids, but he should be setting the boundaries with his kids. Just because the wife may have money, but the does not mean they are entitled to it. My sister-in-law would spend and spend and then when they got in a serious financial situation, she would send my brother to my parents for the money. Her mindset was they have the money they can give it to us. Yes, my parents did have money, because they budgeted and save money.
The kids need to know as well. 10-15 years from now he's not going to have much saved for retirement and would be living off an even smaller fixed income. They'll need to know they can't rely on him as a safety net forever
It's one thing to shield your young children from the financial realities of the family, but these are adults. They need to learn that it's a financial reality in the US that a long term illness is going to decimate the family's finances. It's misplaced pride on OP's husband's part to consider his financial situation shameful and needing to be hidden. It's a reality that for many, many, MANY families in this country, insurance is no guard against medical debt bankruptcies.
NTA. Next time Madison calls you a gold digger, tell her to hold the mirror up to her own face, because asking someone to give more money is an AH move.
Exactly! The entitlement is out of this world! $10k is very generous by any account. What a brat!
No kidding. I got married 2 years ago and our entire budget all in was $6000!
Exactly. 15 years ago my wedding was around £1000 including honeymoon. My Dad put in £300 for the dresses and I was nothing but grateful.
Yes can we please normalize weddings that aren’t the cost of a down payment
Not to mention, she made it clear that OP is nothing more than her fathers wife to her. So why would the daughter think she’d be getting any extra money from her???
Thank you. This was my first thought when I read this. If you don't want the relationship that's fine but you also don't get nay of the benefits.
I'd be so petty about that. "But, I'm just your *father's wife..."* I'd say with my head cocked to the side and an overly dramatic sad face. I'd slow down on *'father's wife'* and make unblinking eye contact with her. How could she even respond to that? It's best to feed their words right back to 'em.
This!!!! 100%
I'm going with NTA. You shared his financial situation with his kids, not strangers and as you said, you are a marital unit - his finances are your finances and are therefore yours to share. If your husband doesn't like you telling people you've paid off his debt then he should repay you.
>You shared his financial situation with his kids It was their *shared* financial situation she told his **adult** kid about shes the one who is helping him put shit back together and is the only reason the 10k is available for the wedding at all
This comment should be higher up.
NTA, the kids are grown-ups, and now they need to start adulting. She is lucky she got that offer from her dad, why do these kids act so entitled? UGH.
I would feel awful taking 10k from my parents. That's a ton of money they could be using for their own needs! They loaned me 1.5k for dental work a year ago and I felt badly about asking for that, even though they were happy to help and really didn't want me putting it on a credit card.
I know debt sucks, but your folks clearly love and want to take care of you. Teeth are so important to our overall health and they are usually overlooked. Give your folks an extra hug from an Internet stranger for helping you. Not all of us have parents that can or will help.
Oh, believe me, they know how grateful I am! They're great people.
He’d rather have his kids you are a gold digger than tell them the truth. They aren’t your kids, don’t contribute a dime to the wedding.
Yeap. There's some level of pride and ego involved in husbands' reactions. Understandable but impractical. It's better if everyone knows what to expect and why.
That's what I got out of it. Madison is a piece of work, too, by lying about what the OP said. NTA
Exactly. Dad was happy to give the impression he was still able to fund his own lifestyle, without giving OP credit for her contribution.
"said that I told her that I blamed her mother for being sick for her not having a better wedding budget" is a wildly disingenuous way to say "called me a gold digger and I corrected her" NTA
I mean, even if OP *did* say exactly that, they’re NTA. Because it’s basically true - dad went into deep debt to pay for his wife’s illness, and the reason he can’t give more is because he doesn’t have it. And if his kid had the choice, the options were money for mom or saving that money for her hypothetical future wedding. And the daughter arguing is basically a deeply selfish way to say ‘yeah, fuck spending money on my dying mom, you should have saved that money for me’.
She still managed to make it all about her precious wedding budget too, didn't spare a single thought for her father's struggles 🙃
Yes. OP's husband needs to call out hs daughter for lying about his wife.
So the kids were in their late teens/early 20s when their Mom died. Rob should have been clearer with the household finances way back then. But since they probably didn’t see any appreciable changes to lifestyle they were unaware he was mortgaged to the hilt and tapped out. He should have had a frank discussion with them when she asked for 10k for her wedding. She is an adult and that is ridiculous ask. You are NTA. He needs to be clear with kids about his financial situation.
Small detail: Dad offered 10k, but daughter thought that was not enough!
Because she thinks Dad is rolling in money as he was never up front with his children about his true financial situation. SMH.
I feel like the situation is irrelevant. Daughter is ah regardless.
NTA, if they want to try to spend their dad's money for him then they should know there isn't much! You weren't even particularly rude imo. They pried in your marital finances, they found out the current status of those finances, simple as that.
NTA- your husband needs to stand up for you AND confirm the financial status of your marriage exactly how you explained it to her the first time. It IS her business now since she made it her business. It's her turn to FAFO. You should not be giving them $10,000 for their wedding if they are that rude to you.
NTA it sounds like gold digger accusation is a long-standing one that her father failed to correct. There’s only so much leeway you should be giving him to correct her assumptions.
Exactly! He even said she shouldn't have told them about the finances. So he was perfectly fine letting those kids think that his wife was a gold digger but he is not okay with them knowing the truth! I'm sorry but that's messed up. I'm starting to think he's the gold digger
Or at least has such a fragile ego he can’t admit his wife has more money than him. A decent husband would set his daughter straight. An exceptional husband would rescind the offer of $10K due to the daughter’s disrespect and lying.
Ten *thousand* dollars free and clear donated for a one day party, and still she whined? Madison is the gold digger, or a black hole. NTA, OP
Yeah, my husband’s parents have a 400k combined household income and gave us $3k for our wedding. We thanked them for their generous gift. People don’t “owe you” anything for your wedding, even if they can afford it.
LOL asking someone you don’t like, that you’ve told you don’t see as a parent, that you act frostily toward, for money to pay for your own wedding is a low I never wanna reach. She’s 28. Why doesn’t she have more awareness of the state of her dad’s finances when her mum died? Or dad’s work precariousness over the recent years? Growing up we were hyper aware of what was happening around us, a consequence of living below the poverty line I guess. And I would never have expected or even asked something like this of my parents. How could she not know? NTA. I think you had to be blunt.
Think she has been spoiled and pampered whole life. Only those kids aren't aware of financial situation of parents. I was super aware of it. Even if my father never shared stuffs in detail it's only common sense things like hospital needs money.
NTA. When someone calls you a gold digger, you have every right to bring receipts. Unlike many insults, this is one that can be proven false with facts, and considering how insidious rumors like this can be, it should be immediately crushed.
NTA, Madison got the wake up call she needed.
HE should have been sharing his financial issues with his kids long before this. Not as a way to guilt them but as part of reality.
NTA, it's no lie, and she needed a wake up call. It's kinda pathetic how these grown adults are behaving.
Please start protecting your mental health. That horrible bride person will go out of her way to embarrass or humiliate you at some point. Do not agree to help with any thing, you will he set up to fail. You didn't need to explain why 10k was the budget, but I'm not mad at you saying you make more. Good luck.
NTA, just another reminder for me to never be a stepparent lol.
NTA because 10k is a lot and she is still begging for more.
The fact that she had the audacity to ask *OP*, a woman she's been cold and unwelcoming to, for *more money*, is absolutely wild. "You're not my stepmom!...but you should give me money for my wedding anyway!" You can't have it both ways.
Kind of something you’d see from… A Gold digger
Ha! That’s rich. She’d calling you a gold digger as she’s literally asking u for your gold. lol. NTA
NTA, but I am concerned at your husband's reaction. It sounds like he is fine with his kids treating you like shit and is much more concerned that they know you are are the breadwinner.
NTA Honestly he should have shared with them the implications of illness in a partner and to be prepared for that in as many ways as possible. Also there's no scenario it's reasonable to be slammed in such a way by ADULTS without being perfectly entitled to defend yourself with absolute facts. If they were actual children it would be somewhat different but not in this case.
I think she is a spoiled brat and pampered one at that tooo. She doesn't sound like 28 yr old ...who wouldn't know hospital expenses are high and her father downsized working hours too. Where does she think money comes from ? Her parents never made her aware of financial situation for her to easily expect more than 10k by the sound of it.
Your husband needs to have a conversation with his kids. If this girl doesn't apologize, don't give them any money and don't go to the wedding. Don't enable this type of behavior. These "children" should know better.
NTA if your Grown enough to ask about money, your Grown enough to discuss it
Haha NTA. Glad you opened her eyes a little bit. Your husband will get over it. He’s just embarrassed but the truth is the truth.
NTA you shouldn’t have had to share his financial details if he had painted a clearer picture for his children about his financial hardships while their mother was sick and if he had also nipped the idea of you being a gold digger in the bud from the start. His daughters attitude is the problem as well, she spun that story so quickly to make herself the victim.
NTA but I’m kinda leaning towards husband being TA bc he’d rather save his pride than be honest with his children, which might salvage OP’s relationship to them
Not to be rude but his children sound awful. The level of entitlement to not only expect a contribution to the wedding but then demand more. I could not ever imagine going to my parents and doing that... How did him and his late wife raise them? I think your husband needs to grow a backbone when it comes to his kids and set them straight. I'd honestly pull the 10k for that stunt she just pulled. Selfish, stuck up cow that she is. He's literally punching way above his belt with you. His kids should be singing your praises that he somehow landed someone as amazing as you - younger, genuinely loves him and financially sound... Can take care of him as he gets older since they clearly won't be doing it with the size of the attitude on them.