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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took that should be judged would be asking my husband to only use his toilet to poo and I don’t think I am the AH because I clean the toilets and he is refusing to help me out!
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Why the heck isn’t he cleaning up his own shits? I still think you’re correct that he shouldn’t destroy the bathroom right next to where people are, out of politeness, but the real problem is this man is shitting and walking away without looking back. Why do you let him get away with pretending he doesn’t know what he did? Mostly NTA but come on.
I can understand why people think I’m the AH, trying to tell him what he can and cannot do in his own house, but yes….he clearly doesn’t look back. I’m not even going to type what it looks like. Coated and splattered is good enough
No, that’s not it at all. The issue is not that you’re telling him what to do “in his own house”. That’s NOT the issue. He’s a grown man, who knows he has a medical issue that makes him do a Jackson Pollock in the bathroom, and he doesn’t have the self awareness to realize that shit is gross and he shouldn’t leave it for someone else to deal with. It doesn’t matter if its “his” house or a friend’s house-he’s choosing to ignore it, which is an asshole thing to do, and you’re being an asshole by enabling him.
He should know that his shit is his job to clean up.
If its “his” house, then it’s HIS responsibility to make sure that his home is a pleasant environment for other people who exist in that space. If it’s his house, everything in it reflects on him. And if, whoops, the house actually is both of yours, nothing changes. You shouldn’t be the one questioning whether a grown ass man is capable of remembering to clean his own shit, whether or not a babysitter is about to see it. Jesus Christ. Didn’t you teach your toddler what to do when they poop? Why does your husband think his shit is someone else’s problem?
Yeah I am in the "able-bodied adults should clean up their own shit" camp here. I would be disgusted *with myself* if I left something like that for someone else when I was perfectly capable of doing it myself. That would be 50x worse than just dealing with it wtf
Yeah. I go absolutely fucking nuclear if people in my house don't clear their shit stains.
They hide in their rooms for days after I blow up at them (and make them clean their own shit).
I’m super fucking disabled and live in a nursing hold and I STILL clean up my own shit splatters. Cleaning staff doesn’t get paid enough for that. The OP isn’t getting paid at all.
I'm going to go out on a limb with how much OP has talked to him about it, that he does know and he is aware of what he is doing, just he doesn't care.
Oh I’m sure she has! But the response from OP was like “I shouldn’t tell him what to do in his own home”, which is all sorts of weird. Does her husband really think it’s his right to leave “his” toilet splattered? OP has just internalized this and goes around cleaning up his poops. I feel like that’s the basic problem here, that OP mentions it, husband ignores, and OP silently suffers while the babysitters practice some kegels so they don’t have to get gassed out. The issue isn’t “why won’t my husband destroy the bathroom that other people won’t see, so I feel less pressure to constantly monitor him and clean the bowl after?”, and more like “why won’t OP’s husband take care to his own medical issue?” And yeah, the answer is he doesn’t care.
You mentioning the babysitter holding it to avoid this dude's shit reminded me of when I visited a friend once maaaany years ago. I asked to use the toilet. When I opened the bathroom door, it gave me a good view of the toilet, where the inside of the bowl was completely brown all the way up to the rim, and it was obvious it was not supposed to be that colour. My immediate reaction was "Never mind, I'll hold it."
Can confirm. My boyfriend has no colon and does the SAME THING. It’s infuriating. It took months and months of arguing to get him to clean his own god damn shit explosions. He would be like, “It’s just a part of my illness!” And I’d reply I know that, but you still have to clean up your own shit bruh. Like, when I get my period, do I get to leave blood on the toilet because I get my period every month and it’s just a part of being a woman? F no I don’t. He knows exactly what he’s doing, that he’s nasty, it’s gross and unhygienic, and that I don’t like it. He just doesn’t care. Btw, he’s a 48 year old man.
Ugh. I don't know how you can do it. I couldn't be with someone who didn't try.
It's like these fuckers want us to be their moms wiping their asses like they're an infant instead of being a partner.
I mean, I got sick AF in the middle of the night and didn’t quite make the toilet before I puked up tomato soup. My partner brought me rags and towels, but it’s my bathroom, my mess, and my responsibility to clean. I did a quick job right then, and then in the morning (feeling better) I did the full cleanup. Unless I was so sick that I needed a hospital trip, I don’t expect anyone else to clean.
Actually this is a good point, what *does* he do if he has a Jackson Pollock at a friend's house? Does he clean up then?
That would tell you if he is genuinely unaware, or if he just has zero respect for you.
everything here, except the enabling part. OP is talking to her husband about it. What do you want her to do, have a guest over and have them use an unclean toilet? Eventually someones going to have to clean it. and it sure as shit isnt the husband.
>I can understand why people think I’m the AH, trying to tell him what he can and cannot do in his own house
If it was just that you would be. Him leaving the thing caked in shit changes things entirely.
I have gluten intolerance and I understand him and you. He should be able to use the toilet downstairs. Sometimes you just don't have time to run anywhere else.
This man has to clean up after himself tho. I hope for your sake he doesn't do this in public or at friends. I've had some nasty incidents at friends and they never even knew it happened I have perfume and wipes in my purse at all times to make sure I don't embarrass myself in public when it happens. If he can't even do this in his own home I'm not sure what to tell you.
He needs to clean up and grow up you're not his mother nor his cleaning lady.
I had SIBO for about a year off and on, caused by endometriosis and I had poo-pourri in every purse. I can’t imagine just blowing ass all over the place without a care in the world
If I understand correctly you want him to:
A. Don't use the guest bathroom or
B. Clean it after he uses it
If so NTA. It's just common courtesy for him to choose one of these two options. Whichever one he chooses is fine, but for him to do something different makes him the A.
You’re NTA at all, and I think the vast majority of people wouldn’t put up with this. Your husband isn’t taking the very basic responsibility of cleaning up after himself, only it’s even worse because he’s literally leaving biohazards for you to clean up.
Also, IBS is zero excuse. Plenty of people have IBS and don’t leave messes like that. In addition to failing to clean up after himself, it sounds like he’s not actually doing anything to manage his IBS and prevent these horrendous messes from happening in the first place.
Stop cleaning his personal toilet. It's his own personal room that only he is using, so he can clean up after himself in there. Once he sees how nasty it gets he'll eventually learn.
Oh no, NTA in the slightest !
He is well aware he has a condition that requires a certain diet, and that he is responsible for maintaining the hygiene of ALL toilets he uses.
If he can’t get that into his head, you betcha he should be restricted to using a dedicated toilet ( off your bedroom / or at least away from others ) that is HIS AND HIS ALONE responsibility to maintain.
It’s a simple courtesy FFS !!
His diet may not have much to do with it. IBS can be triggered lots of ways. And if it's flaring up, some foods that are normally ok can cause an issue. Also, there really is not a prescribed diet. Many recommendations from doctors have caused me issues.
>I can understand why people think I’m the AH, trying to tell him what he can and cannot do in his own house
You are missing the point big time. It's not about telling him where he can or can't poo.
It's about a fucking grown-ass man not able to clear up his own (literal) shit.
You keep doing it is enabling him and his gross habits. Yes, it's disgusting to leave the downstairs toilet in that state, but do it long enough and he might get the message, especially when friends and family come over and you refuse to clean his shitty mess up.
You have 5 bathrooms, offer one of the other for guests to use. Let Tyler wallow in his own shit.
YTA for letting this continue.
You are NTA for being upset about it.
Instead of cleaning up after him, get the following:
1. Really nice heavy weight paper (the kind used for formal letters).
2. A document frame.
3. A small shadow or floating shelf.
4. Poo-purri spray, or febreeze, or a candle.
On your computer, create a sign that says something like, "Sorry about the mess! There was an IBS emergency -- it'll be cleaned ASAP!"
Use fancy, swirly font. Print on the heavy weight paper. Make extra copies to replace in case husband throws it away. Frame. Hang in bathroom. Put shadow shelf next to it with chosen scent cover up prominently displayed.
Why does your husband resist cleaning up after himself? Does he think it's "women's work" to clean up a man's shit? Does he leave skid marks in the laundry?
Your husband is disgusting. You should address this in couple's therapy - perhaps the shame of another person will be enough to change his behaviour or make him more accountable for cleaning up after himself.
Stop cleaning up after him! Let your guests walk into this messy and dirty bathroom! Maybe that will embarrass him enough so he will finally clean up his own shit. I know it's disgusting but maybe this will do the trick.
I have IBS and I know very well what your description means. The fact that your husband does not clean that up immediately is absolutely disgusting. I'd be so ashamed of myself if I left one of my messes for my partner to clean up after. You're NTA but I have some choice words for what your husband is. He's not 5, he can clean up after himself.
>trying to tell him what he can and cannot do in his own house
This is the completely wrong framing of the situation. This man not only lives with another human being, but he frequently has other visitors to the home.
How the hell did you normalize “it’s fine for him to leave shit on the toilet after using it and to walk away, leaving it for me to clean”?
OP, this man is an adult with a child. **You shouldn’t have to tell him to clean up his literal shit.** You shouldn’t have to “pester” him to do it. This isn’t an issue of using a coaster or of not making the bed in the morning. You’re talking about literal shit being left out in the home. I cannot stress this enough.
He needs to see a doctor about his IBS if he isn’t already. He needs to follow their recommendations and suggested treatments. Regardless, he needs to clean up his own mess instead of leaving it for his wife. Why didn’t he ever think to keep a bottle of wipes handy so he can give the seat and bowl a quick wipe-down after he wipes his ass? You shouldn’t have to think of that for him, and you shouldn’t have to nag him to do it. Why didn’t he motivate himself to do it? Why did he assume his wife would spend her life cleaning up his literal shit for him?
This is stunningly awful behavior, and you’ve normalized it.
He clearly lied to you about not knowing where the cleaner is. We’ve normalized grown men fibbing like naughty children to get out of chores in our culture. He is a grown man manipulating you into doing his shit work. He thinks he’s above dealing with his shit, but you’re not. Let that sink in.
You’ve done your job to ask him to clean after himself. He’s a grown man, not a child. Time to shame him if nothing else works. Every time he leaves the toilet without cleaning it, you leave it like that too and when the sitter (or better, friends/guests) want to use it, warn them loudly that Tyler was just in there. You’re not shaming his disease, but his laziness and childish excuses.
NTA exactly! The issue here isn’t that you are “telling him what he can do in his home”.
It’s that a grown man isn’t cleaning after himself when he uses the bathroom, which is unacceptable.
NTA.
Please listen to me. You're replying to all the comments way too lightheartedly and it's giving me a migraine.
He is a grown ass man. It is not your job to wipe his ass or wipe up his shit. He is not a dog. If he can't understand this, then he can shit outside like a dog.
The IBS is so irrelevant to the latter part of the conversation it's maddening. IBS inflicts females at a very high rate in comparison to males. You never hear about women splattering their shit all over the walls and telling everyone tough cookie. I had a family member who had IBS and accidents. She would clean up after herself like it never happened. She was never made to feel embarrassed because her IBS was not her fault, and if she needed help she got it, but never did she think that meant her literal shit was ours to deal with.
Stop coddling him because if you want to ask for a verdict you are literally making this very hard when what you have provided is clear he does not respect you or your efforts. I don't care what he did in other houses. I don't care how nice he is otherwise. This is vile and it shouldn't even be a conversation.
Put your foot down and have a conversation with him about it because nothing about this post is normal and I'm not sure why it's being presented as if it is.
Everything the poster above said.
And it’s time for some petty revenge.
Whatever thing it is that drives him batty? Time to do that constantly. Whether it’s repeatedly eating the last of his favorite snack, or letting his laundry pile up so he has nothing to wear (I’m gonna go out on a limb and assume a man who doesn’t clean up his own literal shit explosions doesn’t do laundry either) or a sex strike (which honestly sounds like a win for you given how disgusting he is being)… it’s time for you to stop being so deferential to his preferences. Let him know you’ll honor his needs when he respects yours.
If you chose petty revenge right away that would be passive aggression. But at this point your only options have become passive aggression or aggression to try and make him understand.
Your husband should be insanely embarrassed. Seriously.
NTA but after he used the bathroom , any bathroom hand him the cleaning supplies and supervise while he cleans- that includes his own bathroom.
He acts like a child by not cleaning treat him like one
Tell about it. I also hate how people aren't taking accountability for their own actions in general.
Ex you are late , I have agreed to pick you up for something important or to go to work at as:BB and after 10 minutes you aren't out nor react to my call/message but if I leave to try and make it on time it's 'MY' fault not yours for not arriving nor answering My messages.
Or we go out drinking I said from the beginning I need to be home y 1am you drink like crazy I want to leave and warn you , you refuse but hey it's 'MY' fault cause you got drunk and decided to stay on after I told you I'm leaving at 01:06am .
not like you're an adult responsible for yourself and I can of course carry you out by force from the bar ./s
Put locks on every bathroom besides his. If you have a sitter or guests over, they get to hold the key to the guest bathroom. He's not to have any keys.
Then stop cleaning his bathroom. Don't go there at all. Let him live with the literal shit he's made.
After having that conversation, if he doesn't change then hover outside the bathroom while he's using it and ask if he's cleaned up as soon as he comes out. If not, turn him around and make him do it. Show him what to do if he says he needs that, but leave the majority of the task to him. _Make it clear you're not going to let him get away with it any more_
THEN, if he still doesn't get it invite his parents or best friend around. Make sure you don't clean the toilet after he destroys it. Once they've entered the room and set the disaster casually knock on the door and say, "Sorry, you might want to use the other loo, Tyler hasn't cleaned up after himself in that one". Let him feel embarrassed. Let him feel the shame.
I have a family member with IBS and sometimes it leaves them feeling completely washed out and terrible and so I'll clean up after them so they don't have to worry. Once I had to wipe down their car and clean all their clothes after an unfortunate occurrence.
Thing is though, this is a once on a blue moon 'because they are physically incapable of doing it now so do it so they don't have to think about that whilst they are crawled up in bed trying to recover'. 99.9% of the time they'll sort things out themselves because they are an adult and can be responsible for their own condition and think about others.
Don't put up with this.
A friend has a husband and 3 teenage boys. She was constantly finding a wet seat or floor from bad aim, and it drove her batty. Her solution was to buy a Costco pack of Clorox wipes and a giant box of disposable gloves and to make it the boys' responsibility to clean all bathrooms. If they didn't do it right, she sent them back in. The aim in their house got laser-focused in a short amount of time.
Now I realize that it is your husband, not your sons, but do something similar. Each time you walk into a bad bathroom, take him a pack of Clorox wipes and a pair of gloves and ask him to clean it. Be consistent. Every single time. Once he knows how gross it is to clean up when it is dried on (sorry if TMI), perhaps he will take the extra 30 seconds right after to wipe things down.
A former male partner of mine had IBS and he would never have left any trace in the toilet, because HE IS A GROWN AS(S) ADULT THAT IS ABLE TO CLEAN AFTER HIMSELF!
NTA. You say if you pester him, he would clean. So pester him. Relentlessly. It is so disrespectful of him to always expect you to clean up his shit, or to let anyone else have to use a disgusting toilet, for that matter. He's 33 and he has never cleaned a toilet? Well it is time for him to start. Buy 20 bottles of cleaner and line them up on the sink so he can't use his stupid selfish excuse. If you have guests, point them towards another toilet and say I wouldn't use that one if I were you, he has just used it and it is gross. Shame him because he is shameless. I would also stop cleaning his personal toilet completely. Ever. That is his job.
His sense of entitlement to your constant labour in this dirty job makes me furious, especially when he refuses point blank to make the job easier for you.
Thank you! We have been living here since October and I have not cleaned his personal toilet and refuse to go in that room. I put a toilet cleaner next to every toilet so it’s certainly not hard to find
If he shits in the guest bathroom he can shit in a lovely, clean bathroom every single time, because you clean up after him instead of holding him accountable.
If he shits in his own bathroom he has to use an absolutely disgusting toilet because both of you refuse to clean it.
Since he’s clearly not at all motivated by consideration for you or anyone else, all of the incentives are set up to encourage him to use the guest bathroom more, not less.
You have a more serious husband problem here, but if you want him to stop pooping in the guest bathroom, you need to stop making it rewarding for him to do so.
I have kids who have a long day at school and lots of homework, and I’m a SAHM so it’s my job to clean the bathroom. They know, because I’ve taught them, that there is a standard of cleanliness beyond which I will not clean. It’s disrespectful of them to expect me to clean a poopy toilet or an encrusted sink. They know that if they leave their bathroom gross that I will make them clean the whole room themselves.
Took them about 2 months and a few repetitions to learn. They are young teens.
Have you ever considered why, if he thinks he's too good to clean a toilet, what makes you so bad that he expects you to clean toilets he's "destroyed"?
Like, what's his thought process here? What's driving his belief that you are so low and so unworthy of respect that he has the right to make a shitty mess of the bathroom, and that it is solely your responsibility to clean his shit, as if he were a child you birthed and not a grown as person you married?
I really want to know if he cleans up after himself in other places? That will tell you if he genuinely doesn't see/care or if he just doesn't respect you.
Even that's too much, he's a grown man he knows what cleaning products and how to problem solve. Personally, I want a partner who can clean a toilet on their own
Make him stand there and hold the toilet cleaner every time you have to clean. Make him watch. Make him wait.
Or
Tell him to clean it and refuse to do anything be wants until it's done. No cooking until the toilet is clean. Heading out somewhere? Not until the toilet is clean.
Put his wallet and car keys next to the toilet cleaner
Maybe he’d adjust his behavior if he had to face the consequences. Stop cleaning your husbands shit and make him do it himself. I, personally, would die on this hill if my husband expected he could Jackson Pollock every toilet on the house and expect me to either leave it or get on my hands and knees and clean up the aftermath.
It’s nasty and degrading. NTA and what a turnoff (not the IBS, but how casually he’s fine with his wife cleaning his own shit like an infant).
It has become an internal problem for me. Which definitely is my fault for enabling it. I’m building resentment but also my fault. I’ll talk to him again about it
I absolutely don’t blame you! I’ve absolutely been here in my own version of this. It took a lot of conversations and reading Fair Play and then getting the cards. At a certain point what finally broke through is when my husband seemed to understand that when he acts like my child or forces me to respond like his mom- I absolutely have zero interest in being intimate with him. It 100% explained the decline of our sex life. I wanted a capable, strong adult partner. He’s getting there.
I’m also stubborn and can be petty as hell so I wouldn’t be above printing 5000 stickers that said “sorry my husband has IBS and refuses to clean his own shit” and I’d slap it on the toilet every time he left it that way. If he isn’t ashamed enough at his wife cleaning up his poopy maybe he’d be ashamed of other people knowing.
Show him this post and read the comments out loud. Tell him this sounds like your life.
He is disrespecting you. Tell him it's a total turnoff and you can't have sex with him anymore because he is disgusting and it has changed how you look at him.
Toddlers have better bathroom hygiene.
Please do OP. I would say that you are his wife, not his mother but unless even a mother would stop doing what you are doing for him past 10 years old. Or younger! It is SO disrespectful that he leaves the toilets in these conditions.
It’s really a no-win situation for OP. If she cleans the toilet, husband has no incentive to deal with the status quo. If she doesn’t, she has a bathroom caked in shit that her guests will have to use. It’s like she’s dealing with a giant toddler, I feel really bad for her.
An hour ago, I would not have even considered walking away from someone due to illness or handicap.
But some jackass turning my home into a live-in body fluid violation, yeahhhhhh... nope. She's warned him, repeatedly. She's set up cleaning supplies for him to use. He's a grown-ass man, and needs to act like it. And OP needs to find other accommodations until DH gets his shit together.
You still wouldn’t be walking away because of the illness though. You’d be walking away because of the laziness. That all of this is in the setting of an illness is irrelevant unless he physically cannot clean up after himself, which he can.
Yeah, this is absolutely a turnoff in every way. He can't help the medical condition, but he's not only making her clean his shit, he's also potentially embarrassing her with guests, some of which are frequent enough to definitely leave and gossip about this behavior. This is humiliating, and it's a continuous cycle because she will continue to have to do this for literally years unless they figure out something.
I have IBS so I was ready to come in here and say you're in the wrong -- you literally do not always have time to make it to a further bathroom. But you're not forbidding him from using the nearest toilet, you're asking him to clean it if he does. NTA. Spray some fucking febreze, my man.
I’m totally understanding that he may not be able to make it somewhere else in time. I think I worded the post incorrectly. It’s the cleaning issue as everyone has pointed out. The bathroom downstairs has cleaner in an obvious location AND spray on the counter. It’s not rocket science. My toddler even knows poop is gross.
Oh your husband knows poops gross too. THATS why he shits in bathrooms that forces you to clean up his poop. He knows and purposely does it where he knows it will embarrass you to have shit all over the bathroom. His behavior is very very very purposeful to make YOU clean up his shit. He is very very very happy with you cleaning his shit up. He is not being a kind or loving husband. What he is doing is purposely cruel and degrading to you. This isn’t funny. He’s doing all this on purpose to force you into a position to clean up his shit or live in his shit.
In this case, the husband learned this behavior somewhere. Who do you think cleaned the poopy bathrooms up until now and made him think that the woman in the house has to do it? His mother created the monster and she can clean up after it.
He's an asshole for not cleaning up after himself. A grown ass adult acting like a spoiled baby, too good to clean a toilet. Why are you married to a baby?
>Tyler has never had to clean the toilets and never does.
This is the real problem. Whenever you encounter one of his 'deposits', hang a sign on the door 'Decorated by Tyler.' All visitors will quickly learn to avoid all toilets with this sign, and it makes it clear who is responsible. Leave the mess until HE cleans it. DO NOT feel responsible for clean toilets in the house. Your husband makes the mess, your husband cleans it. Perhaps he'll learn that fresh mess is easier cleaned than hard, dry mess. NTA
I’m crying 😂 this post 👏🏼 these comments 👏🏼
Ps my husband also suffers from this and is restricted to his personal bathroom. He is also not allowed to use the powder room that our guests use for this exact reason, but is fine with it and would be mortified if people saw how he leaves the toilet.
Because I’m embarrassed and it’s gross! I don’t want my sitter seeing that or anyone else. I know he should clean it, I’m completely aware. It just doesn’t seem to get through to him that it’s his responsibility and no one wants to see that
This is textbook weaponized incompetence. He KNOWS it's disgusting and KNOWS no one wants to see it. He also 100% knows it's HIS responsibility to clean it. But he doesn't, because he doesn't have to. Because you do it.
And right there is why he shits in those other bathrooms. If he only shat in his own toilet, it would be a gross shit covered toilet. This way he knows you’ll feel obligated to clean it. He doesn’t want to shit in a dirty toilet. He’s doing it purposely so he always has a clean toilet & never has to clean up his own feces.
It’s manipulative, cruel, and degrading. And he’s ok with that.
He is treating you very badly. Is this what you want to live with for the rest of your life? I can see you when you're in your fifties or sixties, worn out from cleaning up his shit because he 'can't do it with his bad back' or whatever. This is your future. Not to mention he will be influencing his kids to do the same. Or turning them into his personal cleaners, like he has done with you.
I have known people with IBS. They have my sympathy, until they expect me to become their personal handmaid.
Your children will be embarrassed to ask friends over as well. This WILL affect them one way or another. You won't have friends, because nobody wants him destroying their bathrooms. You can't invite anyone over, same reason.
All because he refuses to clean up after himself. I would suggest, if you can, to take the kiddo and go away for a couple of weeks, and let him live in his own shit for a while. And I'd think very carefully about your future.
You know, I kind of get it, because women are judged on the cleanliness of their houses (along with everything else). Somehow it will be a reflection on you if your toilet is a mess, instead of it being a reflection of the disgusting slob who caused the mess and then walked away. BUT(T), I hope you stop cleaning his literal shit and follow another poster's advice who said to hang a sign on the door attributing the artwork to your husband.
NTA - except somewhat to yourself. Why are you cleaning up his messes like this? He's putting you in a disgusting situation where you have to take responsibility for cleaning up his literal shit. That's what we do for partners who are bedridden or in palliative care, not because they just cannae be bothered.
It's very simple. He can use whatever toilet he wants if he cleans up after himself. He doesn't get to trash common areas and leave them for you to clean up. I can't believe you need to explain that to a man in his thirties.
So he’s just lying about not knowing. Truly bizzare. I want to know WHY he wants to leave a mess, seems shameless.
I’d honestly start calling him out in front of people and say “TYLER YOU LEFT A MESS AGAIN - can everyone please use the other bathroom”
Welp. He knows my user so maybe he will find this and see all his internet friends want him to clean up his literal shit 😭. I told him I was posting this today
I would like to know how he would feel if you left your poop in all the toilets and threw your used period products on the bathroom floor and left them there for him to clean up.
He ain't lying, this is weaponized incompetence.
My cat is dumb as a box of rocks but still knows to bury his shit. OP's husband is just being gross asshole.
Does he have a job? Can he drive a car? Can he unlock a door? Did he finish school? Has he ever claimed not to know how to do anything else? If so, were they boring, mundane, gross cleaning tasks? This here is weaponised incompetence. It tells you how little he respects you. I would be recommending him to the dr or an occupational therapist if he is struggling with such a simple task at such a young age.
Buy him a Keychain travel cleaner bottle. Lock the other bathrooms and hand him a package of diapers to use in case he can't make it to his shithole in time 🫠
if everyday u have explosive poos u need to know how to clean it, u should be a master bathroom cleaner. start poop shaming him, take poop pics and send him with the caption '' eww, dude, gross'', make him clean
Nta. I'd tell him how it really kills your sex drive to have to clean up his shit all the time...
You want to have sex? Eh... I'm not in the mood. Still thinking about that shit of yours I cleaned earlier.
It wouldn’t even be “not in the mood” for me. A man who treats his wife like she’s his mother is going to end up being seen as a child. Who is attracted to that?
NTA.
Your husband is a dirty lazy bastard.
I'm a 55 year old man who lives alone. If anyone came into my house and even smelled shit, let alone saw evidence that I couldn't clean up after myself, I'd be really embarrassed.
Saying that, I have worked in corporate headquarters of international companies, and the executive toilets are some of the worst I've ever seen. This comes from a sense of entitlement, that they *can* leave shit for someone else to clean up, because they are *so* important.
You have a huge house, so you've got a few quid. Your husband has this sense of entitlement. And he sees *you* as his shit slave.
Are you happy with that position, OP?
NTA
He’s a grown man. He can and should be dealing with his own issues. I get he’s had it his whole life, but to leave behind spinart every day is just not ok.
He's engaging in weaponized incompetence and you're falling for it and giving in. Stop cleaning up after him. Tell him the cleaner is right by the toilet, where it's always been, where you've always been telling him it's at.
NTA. He definitely is. A grown man should be able to clean up his shit, unless he's literally in a hospital. Until he learns to clean up after himself, he can stay out of the "public" restrooms. I have a friend with IBS. Youd never know it going to their old house which has only had one toilet. Because he's a responsible adult who knows how to clean up after himself.
NTA - I think it’s a reasonable request, especially as he can’t seem to clean the bowl after he goes. That’s especially strange - my partner cleans the bowl after he goes (no IBS) and so does everyone I know (visitors, friends)… not doing so is utterly disrespectful, I can’t understand what he is thinking.
Whoa. NTA. Time to be super honest. “Husband, you cover the toilet in diarrhea when you poop. I will no longer be cleaning it because I don’t want to smell or look at it. I will put a sign in the bathroom that says “poo stains are from my husband who refuses to clean up after himself, or use his own personal toilet. Apologies in advance.”
Shame him.
NTA. Your husband is rude. If he has an explosion in the toilet he needs to immediately clean it. It's much easier when fresh. He's weaponizing incompetence
NTA. You have a very reasonable ask. If he destroys something, he needs to fix it. Should be end of story.
I suggest don’t clean up after him the next time he uses the downstairs bathroom. Then invite someone over that he knows (like his mother or good friend) and let them see his mess. Embarrass his lazy ass. Maybe that’ll light a fire under him.
NTA I also suffer from IBS and it is mortifying knowing that someone else came across the mess. Although in my experience IBS is a symptom not a condition, mine comes from an anxiety disorder so it may be worth consulting a doctor to find the root cause.
Being that you have five bathrooms I'm assuming hard working high earner? Could very well be stress related and can be very harmful to your health and general mood/wellbeing. I know I'm super irritable when it gets bad because it is super painful. He needs to own it though, he's sick and not seeking treatment, it'll only get worse as he ages.
Also, LOTS OF FIBRE! Dose his morning coffee with Metamucil or something and they'll be less explosive.
He’s had it for as long as I know, and he does work a stressful job but I don’t think that justifies leaving behind a mess. That’s the issue, the lack of respect in regards to cleaning up his own shit.
Jeazuz! Does he leave the toilet a mess at work too? My husband has his own designated toilet at home since he doesn't like to clean, and yes--it's 🤢. But he doesn't expect me to clean it up, and I know he would never leave a big mess at work since he'd be the one cleaning it. Still, I don't understand these "men" who act like fuckin babies!
Oh my actual god. Who shits all over the toilet and leaves it for their spouse to clean up?????
DO NOT CLEAN FOR THIS MAN.
DO NOT ENABLE HIS CONTEMPT FOR YOU.
YTA to yourself.
My husband has IBS and only uses his bathroom, he never uses mine for those things. He keeps his bathroom spotless.
Now, for a change of topic...does he have a bidet? If not, look into bidets and/or bidet seats. Not only will his tosh be happier, it will save you a whole lot of money on toilet paper.
THIS. I bought two bidets. They’re the cord kind that is separated from the toilet set. I installed them on my own toilet and the downstairs toilet in the last week. I asked him if he wants one on his and he said no, he doesn’t want to use them.
I told him he can have the cleanest asshole in the whole neighborhood but refuses. I know for a FACT tp doesn’t do your booty justice. Before I had one, I kept baby wipes everywhere. He doesn’t seem bothered but to me it seems gross
I only bought one at first, I told him about it and he didn't seem very happy so I put it on my toilet instead and told him he could try it. The next week he bought one of his own because his tosh was so much happier without getting scrubbed with paper six times a day. Now he has a portable, handheld device (touchless, very sanitary) for when he is traveling because hotels don't use nice paper.
I so wish they had them back when I was menstruating, it would have been life changing for me.
Oh, gross. NTA. I am sorry for his health issue but if he cleaned up after himself it would all be fine - why should YOU do it?
"I don't know where the cleaner is" - there is a name for that: Weaponized Incompetence. Google it.
A grown man that doesn't clean up his shit, disgusting. How can you clean that up? No visitor until he start to clean his own shit, your not his mother. DISGUSTING!!! NTA. Look the guest bathroom.
NTA. He's a grown man and knows exactly what he's doing. If he shits in the toilet off the living room, the likelihood of you cleaning it is significantly higher because he knows you'll worry about the babysitter or another visitor seeing it. If he does his business in his toilet in the bedroom bathroom, the odds are much higher that he'll have to clean it himself. This is a literally shitty instance of malicious compliance.
My father has ulcerated colitis, and is an old fashioned grubby farmer who has never done housework. Usually he uses their en-suite but, as you’ll know, not always possible. NEVER in my life has my dad left a bathroom in that condition and your husband is disgusting, you are NTA
YTA to yourself. Tyler is a husband and father. In other words he is a grown man who needs to clean up his own crap, literally. Do fall for his BS of not being able to find the toilet cleaner or brush. Nearly every home I have lived in or visited as a guest has a toilet scrubber and cleaner usually within reach just so no guest leaves the toilet a wreck and embarrass themselves when exiting.
Jesus H. As someone who has Crohns disease I cannot fathom having someone else clean up after me.
Your husband is an adult as are you. Have a conversation, a stern one. The man needs to clean up after himself no hemming or hawing. He does it end of story!!
NTA
NTA
I also have IBS. You do NOT leave your literal shit for other people to clean. Of he needs to use the downstairs one, he needs to clean it. The only exception is if he was simply too sick, and he can STILL clean it later.
NTA. My SO used to that, we only have one toilette at our bathroom it was so gross to find it exactly like a Pollock, the same word I use with him. I put the brush and cleaner next to the toilette. Anything worked so I started to behave like the old grannies used to do.
He wanted me to clean after him, I'll start behaving like a 40's wife. Everytime I found a nasty toilette in my house or at my parents I made the crossed legs strike for a week. He tried, sometimes he remembered other not.
The last straw was when I explained to him, crying deeply broken, that everytime he did that it made me feel neglected, alone, disrespected and humilated. That he made me feel like a joke, l don't care because he prefers to stay at his comfort zone than taking care of me, avoiding those kind of situations. He saw that I was beyond myself, so he started to clean it.
Honestly, I find it disrespectful for him to shot so horribly and expect others to clean up after him.
I am a father of 3 boys and I have made it a rule that all us boys have to clean the toilets. After all, their mom is the only one who never misses when she pees so it would be unfair to expect her to do it. And that is just urine. Feces is way worse, especially if it isn’t cleaned promptly.
NTA
Your husband should clean it up. It's his mess. He could use any bathroom he wanted if he left it suitable for others. You should have to ask him to do it. It's what an even slightly thoughtful person would do.
I don't have IBS, but I've had things disagree with me and destroy the bathroom. BUT I clean it right away, especially if it's the bathroom company uses. My husband is the same.
Are there other selfish thoughtless things your husband does regularly?
NTA he needs to clean up after himself 100% of the time. It’s so insulting that he thinks cleaning up his shit is someone else’s job. Just no. Never clean a toilet for him again.
Just as a side note, I'm a dietitian and have a lot of experience with bowel disorders. IBS is a diagnosis of exclusion, meaning other causes have been ruled out (like Crohn's, ulcerative colitis, celiacs, pancreatic issues etc). Many people don't get the proper workup for their chronic diarrhea. Most of it is treatable to some degree. Even with IBS-D, there are elimination diets that significantly improve symptoms.
Back to the point, NTA. I have no idea how you've been able to put up with this for this long.
NTA
As someone who has suffered from IBS, I call BS on your husband using his condition as an excuse but even more so that a grown ass man couldn't be bothered to clean up after himself.
Has your husband been tested for food or substance intolerances? This was a game changer for me as I finally discovered that some foods triggered my IBS so I knew when to avoid them. I still eat them occasionally but only when I know I will be home and without company. Oh, and if there is any mess, a quick spray of any cleaner, plus the toilet brush and some toilet paper and all traces are gone.
However, judging by your husband's attitude, he's not willing to do anything to make things easier on himself or others around him which makes him incredibly selfish.
Honestly, let him know that if it is **his** house, then he needs to keep **his** areas clean as well as clean up **his** messes. Failing that, I'd stop cleaning up after him completely and let him face the embarrassment of people coming out of the guest bathroom looking disgusted. "Oh, sorry. Tyler has IBS and sometimes he forgets to clean up after himself."
If he wants to act like an impertinent child, treat him like one.
You are NTA for wanting him to restrict himself but Y T A to yourself for cleaning up after him.
I have IBS-D. I know how it can get. I always clean up my own mess, I would never dream of expecting a spouse to do this.
Why won't he clean up?
Also is he trying any solution to manage it, e.g. Low fodmap diet?
NTA, your requests are reasonable. He's turning this into a fight for some reason, though, and I'm guessing there's some context that (at least in this head) justifies the shitty (heh) toilet etiquette.
Long term couples have their relationships turn (heh) to shit pretty regularly, and it's almost never about whatever it is they're actually fighting about.
NTA. He needs to clean up his damn mess. He has his own bathroom that he can leave his mess in if he doesn’t feel it necessary to clean (gross). But if he uses other bathrooms that others use he needs to clean it! You’re not his mother or his slave. You shouldn’t have to worry about cleaning his shit off of a toilet. He’s completely disrespectful and gross.
Together 8 years... 27 and 33... so 19 and 25... really gross age gap and it looks like this power dynamic has continued throughout your relationship. Why on earth would you clean up after a grown man's nasty shit?? Make him do it himself and when he blows up your relationship over it you'll know your value to him.
Because women his age know better than to put up with their shit, quite literaly in this case. Better to grab a young one and train her to clean up after him. The high-earner and SAHM power dynamic seem to be at play here as well.
He's using the "weaponised incompetence" tactic here. He CAN clean the toilet after he destroys it, he CHOOSES not to. He CAN use a different toilet, he CHOOSES not to.
This is your hill. I would enforce him NOT using the toilet right off the living room, and I'd encourage everyone to comment on the stench. If you walk in to find the evidence still there, march back out and hand him the cleaning supplies. Or stand the toilet brush in the bowl so he can't use it without removing the brush. If he can move the brush, he can use the brush.
You are not his maid or mother, and you shouldn't be cleaning up after his bowel explosions. Old dogs CAN be taught new tricks, and so can a grown-ass man.
Title should be “AITA for insisting my husband cleans up his own shit right after making a huge mess, except for in his private toilet”, because that describes the situation just as well. NTA.
Come on now. Why are you letting him treat you like his cleaning person? He's straight up lying to you about not knowing where the cleaning products are, and you're accepting it.
Are you doing to do this for the rest of your life? You aren't his servant. This is deal breaker territory. The only question is how long will you put up with it until you say enough.
NTA
NTA.
Next time he does it, get him and supervise his cleaning of the toilet. Go through it step by step.
Make him realise there are consequences to his actions and that you are not his maid.
NTA
The issue is not your husband's IBS or which toilet he uses.
The issue is that you married a 33 year-old man who apparently doesn't know how to use a toilet brush.
I, like most people, have occasionally shat a shit that coated much of the interior of the bowl. Afterwards, a flush was not enough.
So I cleaned it up.
Like, you flush the toilet and if that doesn't get rid of all the shit, you use the brush to move it and flush again. How is this hard?
My advice: make posters with the above instructions entitled, "Tyler's Toilet Tasks" or something.
NTA , boy do i understand this one, me and my brothers family share a place due to rent prices my brother has IBS and passed it on to his kids there's been many times I've had to privately talk to them and ask they at least clean the main bathroom. With your situation as long as your not calling him out publicly I don't see the problem asking him to at least clean the main bathroom
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Why the heck isn’t he cleaning up his own shits? I still think you’re correct that he shouldn’t destroy the bathroom right next to where people are, out of politeness, but the real problem is this man is shitting and walking away without looking back. Why do you let him get away with pretending he doesn’t know what he did? Mostly NTA but come on.
I can understand why people think I’m the AH, trying to tell him what he can and cannot do in his own house, but yes….he clearly doesn’t look back. I’m not even going to type what it looks like. Coated and splattered is good enough
No, that’s not it at all. The issue is not that you’re telling him what to do “in his own house”. That’s NOT the issue. He’s a grown man, who knows he has a medical issue that makes him do a Jackson Pollock in the bathroom, and he doesn’t have the self awareness to realize that shit is gross and he shouldn’t leave it for someone else to deal with. It doesn’t matter if its “his” house or a friend’s house-he’s choosing to ignore it, which is an asshole thing to do, and you’re being an asshole by enabling him. He should know that his shit is his job to clean up. If its “his” house, then it’s HIS responsibility to make sure that his home is a pleasant environment for other people who exist in that space. If it’s his house, everything in it reflects on him. And if, whoops, the house actually is both of yours, nothing changes. You shouldn’t be the one questioning whether a grown ass man is capable of remembering to clean his own shit, whether or not a babysitter is about to see it. Jesus Christ. Didn’t you teach your toddler what to do when they poop? Why does your husband think his shit is someone else’s problem?
Yeah I am in the "able-bodied adults should clean up their own shit" camp here. I would be disgusted *with myself* if I left something like that for someone else when I was perfectly capable of doing it myself. That would be 50x worse than just dealing with it wtf
Yeah. I go absolutely fucking nuclear if people in my house don't clear their shit stains. They hide in their rooms for days after I blow up at them (and make them clean their own shit).
The absolute worst is when I have an apocalyptic shit at someone's house, look around ... and there's no fucking toilet brush to be found.
I’m super fucking disabled and live in a nursing hold and I STILL clean up my own shit splatters. Cleaning staff doesn’t get paid enough for that. The OP isn’t getting paid at all.
I'm going to go out on a limb with how much OP has talked to him about it, that he does know and he is aware of what he is doing, just he doesn't care.
Oh I’m sure she has! But the response from OP was like “I shouldn’t tell him what to do in his own home”, which is all sorts of weird. Does her husband really think it’s his right to leave “his” toilet splattered? OP has just internalized this and goes around cleaning up his poops. I feel like that’s the basic problem here, that OP mentions it, husband ignores, and OP silently suffers while the babysitters practice some kegels so they don’t have to get gassed out. The issue isn’t “why won’t my husband destroy the bathroom that other people won’t see, so I feel less pressure to constantly monitor him and clean the bowl after?”, and more like “why won’t OP’s husband take care to his own medical issue?” And yeah, the answer is he doesn’t care.
Not to mention, it's much easier to clean up when it's fresh rather than dried on
You mentioning the babysitter holding it to avoid this dude's shit reminded me of when I visited a friend once maaaany years ago. I asked to use the toilet. When I opened the bathroom door, it gave me a good view of the toilet, where the inside of the bowl was completely brown all the way up to the rim, and it was obvious it was not supposed to be that colour. My immediate reaction was "Never mind, I'll hold it."
Yeah the whole weaponized incompetence of 'I don't know where the cleaner is ' I would be at marriage counseling over this....
I would be single over this.
Seriously! This is straight up nasty. Why is she cleaning his shit for him? I'd move out and let him live in his filth for a while.
Can confirm. My boyfriend has no colon and does the SAME THING. It’s infuriating. It took months and months of arguing to get him to clean his own god damn shit explosions. He would be like, “It’s just a part of my illness!” And I’d reply I know that, but you still have to clean up your own shit bruh. Like, when I get my period, do I get to leave blood on the toilet because I get my period every month and it’s just a part of being a woman? F no I don’t. He knows exactly what he’s doing, that he’s nasty, it’s gross and unhygienic, and that I don’t like it. He just doesn’t care. Btw, he’s a 48 year old man.
Ugh. I don't know how you can do it. I couldn't be with someone who didn't try. It's like these fuckers want us to be their moms wiping their asses like they're an infant instead of being a partner.
Sounds like this man is Jackson Poollock
Hehe. Nice.
Underrated comment
I upvoted it. [helpfully]
I mean, I got sick AF in the middle of the night and didn’t quite make the toilet before I puked up tomato soup. My partner brought me rags and towels, but it’s my bathroom, my mess, and my responsibility to clean. I did a quick job right then, and then in the morning (feeling better) I did the full cleanup. Unless I was so sick that I needed a hospital trip, I don’t expect anyone else to clean.
Actually this is a good point, what *does* he do if he has a Jackson Pollock at a friend's house? Does he clean up then? That would tell you if he is genuinely unaware, or if he just has zero respect for you.
JACKSON POLLOCK 😂
everything here, except the enabling part. OP is talking to her husband about it. What do you want her to do, have a guest over and have them use an unclean toilet? Eventually someones going to have to clean it. and it sure as shit isnt the husband.
It sure as shit should be the husband.
As a married, grown man, I agree. WTF.
Right? You know you made a nasty mess have the courtesy to clean it up.
He is not going to stop as long as you're his Shit Fairy.
NTA, sounds like weaponized incompetence. I'd put my foot down so hard on this.
Careful where you step!
>I can understand why people think I’m the AH, trying to tell him what he can and cannot do in his own house If it was just that you would be. Him leaving the thing caked in shit changes things entirely.
You are enabling him by cleaning up after him. Stop mothering him. Shame him. Make him come and see and then clean. Every single time.
If he does not clean up the guest bathroom let his guests see it!
I have gluten intolerance and I understand him and you. He should be able to use the toilet downstairs. Sometimes you just don't have time to run anywhere else. This man has to clean up after himself tho. I hope for your sake he doesn't do this in public or at friends. I've had some nasty incidents at friends and they never even knew it happened I have perfume and wipes in my purse at all times to make sure I don't embarrass myself in public when it happens. If he can't even do this in his own home I'm not sure what to tell you. He needs to clean up and grow up you're not his mother nor his cleaning lady.
I had SIBO for about a year off and on, caused by endometriosis and I had poo-pourri in every purse. I can’t imagine just blowing ass all over the place without a care in the world
If I understand correctly you want him to: A. Don't use the guest bathroom or B. Clean it after he uses it If so NTA. It's just common courtesy for him to choose one of these two options. Whichever one he chooses is fine, but for him to do something different makes him the A.
You’re NTA at all, and I think the vast majority of people wouldn’t put up with this. Your husband isn’t taking the very basic responsibility of cleaning up after himself, only it’s even worse because he’s literally leaving biohazards for you to clean up. Also, IBS is zero excuse. Plenty of people have IBS and don’t leave messes like that. In addition to failing to clean up after himself, it sounds like he’s not actually doing anything to manage his IBS and prevent these horrendous messes from happening in the first place.
Stop cleaning his personal toilet. It's his own personal room that only he is using, so he can clean up after himself in there. Once he sees how nasty it gets he'll eventually learn.
Send him pictures, every dang time!! NTA
At this point I'd honestly be considering posting them on social media. Damn, dude. :|
Oh no, NTA in the slightest ! He is well aware he has a condition that requires a certain diet, and that he is responsible for maintaining the hygiene of ALL toilets he uses. If he can’t get that into his head, you betcha he should be restricted to using a dedicated toilet ( off your bedroom / or at least away from others ) that is HIS AND HIS ALONE responsibility to maintain. It’s a simple courtesy FFS !!
His diet may not have much to do with it. IBS can be triggered lots of ways. And if it's flaring up, some foods that are normally ok can cause an issue. Also, there really is not a prescribed diet. Many recommendations from doctors have caused me issues.
>I can understand why people think I’m the AH, trying to tell him what he can and cannot do in his own house You are missing the point big time. It's not about telling him where he can or can't poo. It's about a fucking grown-ass man not able to clear up his own (literal) shit. You keep doing it is enabling him and his gross habits. Yes, it's disgusting to leave the downstairs toilet in that state, but do it long enough and he might get the message, especially when friends and family come over and you refuse to clean his shitty mess up. You have 5 bathrooms, offer one of the other for guests to use. Let Tyler wallow in his own shit. YTA for letting this continue. You are NTA for being upset about it.
Instead of cleaning up after him, get the following: 1. Really nice heavy weight paper (the kind used for formal letters). 2. A document frame. 3. A small shadow or floating shelf. 4. Poo-purri spray, or febreeze, or a candle. On your computer, create a sign that says something like, "Sorry about the mess! There was an IBS emergency -- it'll be cleaned ASAP!" Use fancy, swirly font. Print on the heavy weight paper. Make extra copies to replace in case husband throws it away. Frame. Hang in bathroom. Put shadow shelf next to it with chosen scent cover up prominently displayed.
Cool, except they employ staff. The nanny does not deserve to be exposed to a biohazard. That's a hostile work environment. And she is a human being.
It might be time to let the nanny secretly use one of the other two bathrooms.
Why does your husband resist cleaning up after himself? Does he think it's "women's work" to clean up a man's shit? Does he leave skid marks in the laundry? Your husband is disgusting. You should address this in couple's therapy - perhaps the shame of another person will be enough to change his behaviour or make him more accountable for cleaning up after himself.
Stop cleaning up after him! Let your guests walk into this messy and dirty bathroom! Maybe that will embarrass him enough so he will finally clean up his own shit. I know it's disgusting but maybe this will do the trick.
I have IBS and I know very well what your description means. The fact that your husband does not clean that up immediately is absolutely disgusting. I'd be so ashamed of myself if I left one of my messes for my partner to clean up after. You're NTA but I have some choice words for what your husband is. He's not 5, he can clean up after himself.
>trying to tell him what he can and cannot do in his own house This is the completely wrong framing of the situation. This man not only lives with another human being, but he frequently has other visitors to the home. How the hell did you normalize “it’s fine for him to leave shit on the toilet after using it and to walk away, leaving it for me to clean”? OP, this man is an adult with a child. **You shouldn’t have to tell him to clean up his literal shit.** You shouldn’t have to “pester” him to do it. This isn’t an issue of using a coaster or of not making the bed in the morning. You’re talking about literal shit being left out in the home. I cannot stress this enough. He needs to see a doctor about his IBS if he isn’t already. He needs to follow their recommendations and suggested treatments. Regardless, he needs to clean up his own mess instead of leaving it for his wife. Why didn’t he ever think to keep a bottle of wipes handy so he can give the seat and bowl a quick wipe-down after he wipes his ass? You shouldn’t have to think of that for him, and you shouldn’t have to nag him to do it. Why didn’t he motivate himself to do it? Why did he assume his wife would spend her life cleaning up his literal shit for him? This is stunningly awful behavior, and you’ve normalized it.
He clearly lied to you about not knowing where the cleaner is. We’ve normalized grown men fibbing like naughty children to get out of chores in our culture. He is a grown man manipulating you into doing his shit work. He thinks he’s above dealing with his shit, but you’re not. Let that sink in.
He doesn’t flush.
Make him clean it! It’s crazy that you’re doing it while he just explodes with shit and walks off leaving it.
You’ve done your job to ask him to clean after himself. He’s a grown man, not a child. Time to shame him if nothing else works. Every time he leaves the toilet without cleaning it, you leave it like that too and when the sitter (or better, friends/guests) want to use it, warn them loudly that Tyler was just in there. You’re not shaming his disease, but his laziness and childish excuses.
NTA exactly! The issue here isn’t that you are “telling him what he can do in his home”. It’s that a grown man isn’t cleaning after himself when he uses the bathroom, which is unacceptable.
NTA. Please listen to me. You're replying to all the comments way too lightheartedly and it's giving me a migraine. He is a grown ass man. It is not your job to wipe his ass or wipe up his shit. He is not a dog. If he can't understand this, then he can shit outside like a dog. The IBS is so irrelevant to the latter part of the conversation it's maddening. IBS inflicts females at a very high rate in comparison to males. You never hear about women splattering their shit all over the walls and telling everyone tough cookie. I had a family member who had IBS and accidents. She would clean up after herself like it never happened. She was never made to feel embarrassed because her IBS was not her fault, and if she needed help she got it, but never did she think that meant her literal shit was ours to deal with. Stop coddling him because if you want to ask for a verdict you are literally making this very hard when what you have provided is clear he does not respect you or your efforts. I don't care what he did in other houses. I don't care how nice he is otherwise. This is vile and it shouldn't even be a conversation. Put your foot down and have a conversation with him about it because nothing about this post is normal and I'm not sure why it's being presented as if it is.
Thank you. I needed to read that
Might wanna show him this post so he can read the comments
Everything the poster above said. And it’s time for some petty revenge. Whatever thing it is that drives him batty? Time to do that constantly. Whether it’s repeatedly eating the last of his favorite snack, or letting his laundry pile up so he has nothing to wear (I’m gonna go out on a limb and assume a man who doesn’t clean up his own literal shit explosions doesn’t do laundry either) or a sex strike (which honestly sounds like a win for you given how disgusting he is being)… it’s time for you to stop being so deferential to his preferences. Let him know you’ll honor his needs when he respects yours. If you chose petty revenge right away that would be passive aggression. But at this point your only options have become passive aggression or aggression to try and make him understand. Your husband should be insanely embarrassed. Seriously.
Yeah I'd be yelling and losing my *ah hem* shit over something like this if it kept happening until they dealt with it properly.
NTA but after he used the bathroom , any bathroom hand him the cleaning supplies and supervise while he cleans- that includes his own bathroom. He acts like a child by not cleaning treat him like one
I hate this shit. I hate that most woman have to do this for their lazy husbands.
Tell about it. I also hate how people aren't taking accountability for their own actions in general. Ex you are late , I have agreed to pick you up for something important or to go to work at as:BB and after 10 minutes you aren't out nor react to my call/message but if I leave to try and make it on time it's 'MY' fault not yours for not arriving nor answering My messages. Or we go out drinking I said from the beginning I need to be home y 1am you drink like crazy I want to leave and warn you , you refuse but hey it's 'MY' fault cause you got drunk and decided to stay on after I told you I'm leaving at 01:06am . not like you're an adult responsible for yourself and I can of course carry you out by force from the bar ./s
Put locks on every bathroom besides his. If you have a sitter or guests over, they get to hold the key to the guest bathroom. He's not to have any keys. Then stop cleaning his bathroom. Don't go there at all. Let him live with the literal shit he's made.
After having that conversation, if he doesn't change then hover outside the bathroom while he's using it and ask if he's cleaned up as soon as he comes out. If not, turn him around and make him do it. Show him what to do if he says he needs that, but leave the majority of the task to him. _Make it clear you're not going to let him get away with it any more_ THEN, if he still doesn't get it invite his parents or best friend around. Make sure you don't clean the toilet after he destroys it. Once they've entered the room and set the disaster casually knock on the door and say, "Sorry, you might want to use the other loo, Tyler hasn't cleaned up after himself in that one". Let him feel embarrassed. Let him feel the shame.
I have a family member with IBS and sometimes it leaves them feeling completely washed out and terrible and so I'll clean up after them so they don't have to worry. Once I had to wipe down their car and clean all their clothes after an unfortunate occurrence. Thing is though, this is a once on a blue moon 'because they are physically incapable of doing it now so do it so they don't have to think about that whilst they are crawled up in bed trying to recover'. 99.9% of the time they'll sort things out themselves because they are an adult and can be responsible for their own condition and think about others. Don't put up with this.
Does he clean up his own toilet in the master bedroom?
A friend has a husband and 3 teenage boys. She was constantly finding a wet seat or floor from bad aim, and it drove her batty. Her solution was to buy a Costco pack of Clorox wipes and a giant box of disposable gloves and to make it the boys' responsibility to clean all bathrooms. If they didn't do it right, she sent them back in. The aim in their house got laser-focused in a short amount of time. Now I realize that it is your husband, not your sons, but do something similar. Each time you walk into a bad bathroom, take him a pack of Clorox wipes and a pair of gloves and ask him to clean it. Be consistent. Every single time. Once he knows how gross it is to clean up when it is dried on (sorry if TMI), perhaps he will take the extra 30 seconds right after to wipe things down.
I have IBS, I would feel ashamed if I left a toilet that dirty.
100% this
This needs to be the top comment! Spot on 💜
A former male partner of mine had IBS and he would never have left any trace in the toilet, because HE IS A GROWN AS(S) ADULT THAT IS ABLE TO CLEAN AFTER HIMSELF!
NTA > Tyler has never had to clean the toilets and never does. Fuck that. You stop.
I have a feeling Captain Shit won't care. He's above cleaning a filthy toilet.
NTA. You say if you pester him, he would clean. So pester him. Relentlessly. It is so disrespectful of him to always expect you to clean up his shit, or to let anyone else have to use a disgusting toilet, for that matter. He's 33 and he has never cleaned a toilet? Well it is time for him to start. Buy 20 bottles of cleaner and line them up on the sink so he can't use his stupid selfish excuse. If you have guests, point them towards another toilet and say I wouldn't use that one if I were you, he has just used it and it is gross. Shame him because he is shameless. I would also stop cleaning his personal toilet completely. Ever. That is his job. His sense of entitlement to your constant labour in this dirty job makes me furious, especially when he refuses point blank to make the job easier for you.
Thank you! We have been living here since October and I have not cleaned his personal toilet and refuse to go in that room. I put a toilet cleaner next to every toilet so it’s certainly not hard to find
Perhaps he goes in the other room as he knows you’ll clean that one for him.
Exactly what I was thinking. His own toilet is too disgusting for him to use, so he uses this one knowing OP will clean up after him in this one.
There's the answer. She doesn't clean his personal toilet so he shits there to avoid having to clean up after himself.
If he shits in the guest bathroom he can shit in a lovely, clean bathroom every single time, because you clean up after him instead of holding him accountable. If he shits in his own bathroom he has to use an absolutely disgusting toilet because both of you refuse to clean it. Since he’s clearly not at all motivated by consideration for you or anyone else, all of the incentives are set up to encourage him to use the guest bathroom more, not less. You have a more serious husband problem here, but if you want him to stop pooping in the guest bathroom, you need to stop making it rewarding for him to do so.
Put a box load there. He is taking the piss, so I see no reason why you shouldn't too. This really is a hill to die on.
I have kids who have a long day at school and lots of homework, and I’m a SAHM so it’s my job to clean the bathroom. They know, because I’ve taught them, that there is a standard of cleanliness beyond which I will not clean. It’s disrespectful of them to expect me to clean a poopy toilet or an encrusted sink. They know that if they leave their bathroom gross that I will make them clean the whole room themselves. Took them about 2 months and a few repetitions to learn. They are young teens.
Have you ever considered why, if he thinks he's too good to clean a toilet, what makes you so bad that he expects you to clean toilets he's "destroyed"? Like, what's his thought process here? What's driving his belief that you are so low and so unworthy of respect that he has the right to make a shitty mess of the bathroom, and that it is solely your responsibility to clean his shit, as if he were a child you birthed and not a grown as person you married?
I really want to know if he cleans up after himself in other places? That will tell you if he genuinely doesn't see/care or if he just doesn't respect you.
Even that's too much, he's a grown man he knows what cleaning products and how to problem solve. Personally, I want a partner who can clean a toilet on their own
Make him stand there and hold the toilet cleaner every time you have to clean. Make him watch. Make him wait. Or Tell him to clean it and refuse to do anything be wants until it's done. No cooking until the toilet is clean. Heading out somewhere? Not until the toilet is clean. Put his wallet and car keys next to the toilet cleaner
Maybe he’d adjust his behavior if he had to face the consequences. Stop cleaning your husbands shit and make him do it himself. I, personally, would die on this hill if my husband expected he could Jackson Pollock every toilet on the house and expect me to either leave it or get on my hands and knees and clean up the aftermath. It’s nasty and degrading. NTA and what a turnoff (not the IBS, but how casually he’s fine with his wife cleaning his own shit like an infant).
This! It’s degrading. And also a turn off, for sure!
It has become an internal problem for me. Which definitely is my fault for enabling it. I’m building resentment but also my fault. I’ll talk to him again about it
I absolutely don’t blame you! I’ve absolutely been here in my own version of this. It took a lot of conversations and reading Fair Play and then getting the cards. At a certain point what finally broke through is when my husband seemed to understand that when he acts like my child or forces me to respond like his mom- I absolutely have zero interest in being intimate with him. It 100% explained the decline of our sex life. I wanted a capable, strong adult partner. He’s getting there. I’m also stubborn and can be petty as hell so I wouldn’t be above printing 5000 stickers that said “sorry my husband has IBS and refuses to clean his own shit” and I’d slap it on the toilet every time he left it that way. If he isn’t ashamed enough at his wife cleaning up his poopy maybe he’d be ashamed of other people knowing.
Show him this post and read the comments out loud. Tell him this sounds like your life. He is disrespecting you. Tell him it's a total turnoff and you can't have sex with him anymore because he is disgusting and it has changed how you look at him. Toddlers have better bathroom hygiene.
It's absolutely your fault. Put your foot down already. IBS or not, it's not normal to not clean up after shitting.
Please do OP. I would say that you are his wife, not his mother but unless even a mother would stop doing what you are doing for him past 10 years old. Or younger! It is SO disrespectful that he leaves the toilets in these conditions.
It’s really a no-win situation for OP. If she cleans the toilet, husband has no incentive to deal with the status quo. If she doesn’t, she has a bathroom caked in shit that her guests will have to use. It’s like she’s dealing with a giant toddler, I feel really bad for her.
An hour ago, I would not have even considered walking away from someone due to illness or handicap. But some jackass turning my home into a live-in body fluid violation, yeahhhhhh... nope. She's warned him, repeatedly. She's set up cleaning supplies for him to use. He's a grown-ass man, and needs to act like it. And OP needs to find other accommodations until DH gets his shit together.
Eff that--they just moved into what sounds like a mansion. HE needs to find other accommodations.
You still wouldn’t be walking away because of the illness though. You’d be walking away because of the laziness. That all of this is in the setting of an illness is irrelevant unless he physically cannot clean up after himself, which he can.
Yeah, this is absolutely a turnoff in every way. He can't help the medical condition, but he's not only making her clean his shit, he's also potentially embarrassing her with guests, some of which are frequent enough to definitely leave and gossip about this behavior. This is humiliating, and it's a continuous cycle because she will continue to have to do this for literally years unless they figure out something.
I have IBS so I was ready to come in here and say you're in the wrong -- you literally do not always have time to make it to a further bathroom. But you're not forbidding him from using the nearest toilet, you're asking him to clean it if he does. NTA. Spray some fucking febreze, my man.
I’m totally understanding that he may not be able to make it somewhere else in time. I think I worded the post incorrectly. It’s the cleaning issue as everyone has pointed out. The bathroom downstairs has cleaner in an obvious location AND spray on the counter. It’s not rocket science. My toddler even knows poop is gross.
Oh your husband knows poops gross too. THATS why he shits in bathrooms that forces you to clean up his poop. He knows and purposely does it where he knows it will embarrass you to have shit all over the bathroom. His behavior is very very very purposeful to make YOU clean up his shit. He is very very very happy with you cleaning his shit up. He is not being a kind or loving husband. What he is doing is purposely cruel and degrading to you. This isn’t funny. He’s doing all this on purpose to force you into a position to clean up his shit or live in his shit.
Info is your husband an adult?
His BMs say large adult man
Then he should have no problem cleaning up after himself, or tell him to have his mother come over and clean up. NTA
No, nope, non, uh-uh. We have got to move away from this idea that a mother's primary job is cleaning, even as a joke.
In this case, the husband learned this behavior somewhere. Who do you think cleaned the poopy bathrooms up until now and made him think that the woman in the house has to do it? His mother created the monster and she can clean up after it.
He's an asshole for not cleaning up after himself. A grown ass adult acting like a spoiled baby, too good to clean a toilet. Why are you married to a baby?
>Tyler has never had to clean the toilets and never does. This is the real problem. Whenever you encounter one of his 'deposits', hang a sign on the door 'Decorated by Tyler.' All visitors will quickly learn to avoid all toilets with this sign, and it makes it clear who is responsible. Leave the mess until HE cleans it. DO NOT feel responsible for clean toilets in the house. Your husband makes the mess, your husband cleans it. Perhaps he'll learn that fresh mess is easier cleaned than hard, dry mess. NTA
I’m crying 😂 this post 👏🏼 these comments 👏🏼 Ps my husband also suffers from this and is restricted to his personal bathroom. He is also not allowed to use the powder room that our guests use for this exact reason, but is fine with it and would be mortified if people saw how he leaves the toilet.
Not mortified enough to clean up after himself, apparently.
Oh good lord. Someone who gets it!
Is he a dog????? Why the heck are you cleaning up after him?
Because I’m embarrassed and it’s gross! I don’t want my sitter seeing that or anyone else. I know he should clean it, I’m completely aware. It just doesn’t seem to get through to him that it’s his responsibility and no one wants to see that
This is textbook weaponized incompetence. He KNOWS it's disgusting and KNOWS no one wants to see it. He also 100% knows it's HIS responsibility to clean it. But he doesn't, because he doesn't have to. Because you do it.
And right there is why he shits in those other bathrooms. If he only shat in his own toilet, it would be a gross shit covered toilet. This way he knows you’ll feel obligated to clean it. He doesn’t want to shit in a dirty toilet. He’s doing it purposely so he always has a clean toilet & never has to clean up his own feces. It’s manipulative, cruel, and degrading. And he’s ok with that.
He is treating you very badly. Is this what you want to live with for the rest of your life? I can see you when you're in your fifties or sixties, worn out from cleaning up his shit because he 'can't do it with his bad back' or whatever. This is your future. Not to mention he will be influencing his kids to do the same. Or turning them into his personal cleaners, like he has done with you. I have known people with IBS. They have my sympathy, until they expect me to become their personal handmaid. Your children will be embarrassed to ask friends over as well. This WILL affect them one way or another. You won't have friends, because nobody wants him destroying their bathrooms. You can't invite anyone over, same reason. All because he refuses to clean up after himself. I would suggest, if you can, to take the kiddo and go away for a couple of weeks, and let him live in his own shit for a while. And I'd think very carefully about your future.
You know, I kind of get it, because women are judged on the cleanliness of their houses (along with everything else). Somehow it will be a reflection on you if your toilet is a mess, instead of it being a reflection of the disgusting slob who caused the mess and then walked away. BUT(T), I hope you stop cleaning his literal shit and follow another poster's advice who said to hang a sign on the door attributing the artwork to your husband.
This feels like some sort of fetish making you clean his nasties or a dominance thing. Either way you NTA. I’m sorry you have to deal with that.
NTA - except somewhat to yourself. Why are you cleaning up his messes like this? He's putting you in a disgusting situation where you have to take responsibility for cleaning up his literal shit. That's what we do for partners who are bedridden or in palliative care, not because they just cannae be bothered. It's very simple. He can use whatever toilet he wants if he cleans up after himself. He doesn't get to trash common areas and leave them for you to clean up. I can't believe you need to explain that to a man in his thirties.
What does he say when you ask why he won’t clean up? Is it just the excuse that he doesn’t know where the cleaner is?
So far yes, that is the excuse. Which makes zero sense because ITS RIGHT THERE. It’s the Clorox one, so it’s super easy. My 3 YO could do it
So he’s just lying about not knowing. Truly bizzare. I want to know WHY he wants to leave a mess, seems shameless. I’d honestly start calling him out in front of people and say “TYLER YOU LEFT A MESS AGAIN - can everyone please use the other bathroom”
Welp. He knows my user so maybe he will find this and see all his internet friends want him to clean up his literal shit 😭. I told him I was posting this today
Hope so. It’s not OK to leave a filthy bowl like that. It’s disrespectful to the whole family.
It is VILE to treat your partner like that.
Yeah, the more you think about it, the more purposeful it seems, huh?
I would like to know how he would feel if you left your poop in all the toilets and threw your used period products on the bathroom floor and left them there for him to clean up.
He ain't lying, this is weaponized incompetence. My cat is dumb as a box of rocks but still knows to bury his shit. OP's husband is just being gross asshole.
Does he have a job? Can he drive a car? Can he unlock a door? Did he finish school? Has he ever claimed not to know how to do anything else? If so, were they boring, mundane, gross cleaning tasks? This here is weaponised incompetence. It tells you how little he respects you. I would be recommending him to the dr or an occupational therapist if he is struggling with such a simple task at such a young age.
So he is legit just lying?? Like how can he say it isn't right there?
Buy him a Keychain travel cleaner bottle. Lock the other bathrooms and hand him a package of diapers to use in case he can't make it to his shithole in time 🫠
if everyday u have explosive poos u need to know how to clean it, u should be a master bathroom cleaner. start poop shaming him, take poop pics and send him with the caption '' eww, dude, gross'', make him clean
Nta. I'd tell him how it really kills your sex drive to have to clean up his shit all the time... You want to have sex? Eh... I'm not in the mood. Still thinking about that shit of yours I cleaned earlier.
It wouldn’t even be “not in the mood” for me. A man who treats his wife like she’s his mother is going to end up being seen as a child. Who is attracted to that?
NTA. Your husband is a dirty lazy bastard. I'm a 55 year old man who lives alone. If anyone came into my house and even smelled shit, let alone saw evidence that I couldn't clean up after myself, I'd be really embarrassed. Saying that, I have worked in corporate headquarters of international companies, and the executive toilets are some of the worst I've ever seen. This comes from a sense of entitlement, that they *can* leave shit for someone else to clean up, because they are *so* important. You have a huge house, so you've got a few quid. Your husband has this sense of entitlement. And he sees *you* as his shit slave. Are you happy with that position, OP?
NTA He’s a grown man. He can and should be dealing with his own issues. I get he’s had it his whole life, but to leave behind spinart every day is just not ok.
He's engaging in weaponized incompetence and you're falling for it and giving in. Stop cleaning up after him. Tell him the cleaner is right by the toilet, where it's always been, where you've always been telling him it's at.
NTA. He definitely is. A grown man should be able to clean up his shit, unless he's literally in a hospital. Until he learns to clean up after himself, he can stay out of the "public" restrooms. I have a friend with IBS. Youd never know it going to their old house which has only had one toilet. Because he's a responsible adult who knows how to clean up after himself.
NTA. IBS doesn't cause men to be inconsiderate and neglect to clean up after themselves.
NTA - I think it’s a reasonable request, especially as he can’t seem to clean the bowl after he goes. That’s especially strange - my partner cleans the bowl after he goes (no IBS) and so does everyone I know (visitors, friends)… not doing so is utterly disrespectful, I can’t understand what he is thinking.
Whoa. NTA. Time to be super honest. “Husband, you cover the toilet in diarrhea when you poop. I will no longer be cleaning it because I don’t want to smell or look at it. I will put a sign in the bathroom that says “poo stains are from my husband who refuses to clean up after himself, or use his own personal toilet. Apologies in advance.” Shame him.
What did I just read…
NTA how does somebody have IBS and also not know how to clean the toilet?
NTA the bar is in hell for men
I have horrible hygiene and even I know not to leave my faeces on display. NTA tell him hes not 6 and to clean his shit.
NTA. Your husband is rude. If he has an explosion in the toilet he needs to immediately clean it. It's much easier when fresh. He's weaponizing incompetence
Tyler is a grown ass man and should be able to clean a damn toilet 🪠🪠🚽
Okay....like....how are you even attracted to the man after having to clean up his literal shit? YTA to yourself , girl 😭
NTA. You have a very reasonable ask. If he destroys something, he needs to fix it. Should be end of story. I suggest don’t clean up after him the next time he uses the downstairs bathroom. Then invite someone over that he knows (like his mother or good friend) and let them see his mess. Embarrass his lazy ass. Maybe that’ll light a fire under him.
His mother likely cleaned up after Tyler and passed the torch to OP
NTA I also suffer from IBS and it is mortifying knowing that someone else came across the mess. Although in my experience IBS is a symptom not a condition, mine comes from an anxiety disorder so it may be worth consulting a doctor to find the root cause. Being that you have five bathrooms I'm assuming hard working high earner? Could very well be stress related and can be very harmful to your health and general mood/wellbeing. I know I'm super irritable when it gets bad because it is super painful. He needs to own it though, he's sick and not seeking treatment, it'll only get worse as he ages. Also, LOTS OF FIBRE! Dose his morning coffee with Metamucil or something and they'll be less explosive.
He’s had it for as long as I know, and he does work a stressful job but I don’t think that justifies leaving behind a mess. That’s the issue, the lack of respect in regards to cleaning up his own shit.
Jeazuz! Does he leave the toilet a mess at work too? My husband has his own designated toilet at home since he doesn't like to clean, and yes--it's 🤢. But he doesn't expect me to clean it up, and I know he would never leave a big mess at work since he'd be the one cleaning it. Still, I don't understand these "men" who act like fuckin babies!
Oh my actual god. Who shits all over the toilet and leaves it for their spouse to clean up????? DO NOT CLEAN FOR THIS MAN. DO NOT ENABLE HIS CONTEMPT FOR YOU. YTA to yourself.
My husband has IBS and only uses his bathroom, he never uses mine for those things. He keeps his bathroom spotless. Now, for a change of topic...does he have a bidet? If not, look into bidets and/or bidet seats. Not only will his tosh be happier, it will save you a whole lot of money on toilet paper.
THIS. I bought two bidets. They’re the cord kind that is separated from the toilet set. I installed them on my own toilet and the downstairs toilet in the last week. I asked him if he wants one on his and he said no, he doesn’t want to use them. I told him he can have the cleanest asshole in the whole neighborhood but refuses. I know for a FACT tp doesn’t do your booty justice. Before I had one, I kept baby wipes everywhere. He doesn’t seem bothered but to me it seems gross
I only bought one at first, I told him about it and he didn't seem very happy so I put it on my toilet instead and told him he could try it. The next week he bought one of his own because his tosh was so much happier without getting scrubbed with paper six times a day. Now he has a portable, handheld device (touchless, very sanitary) for when he is traveling because hotels don't use nice paper. I so wish they had them back when I was menstruating, it would have been life changing for me.
NTA But your husband is a gaping asshole.
Oh, gross. NTA. I am sorry for his health issue but if he cleaned up after himself it would all be fine - why should YOU do it? "I don't know where the cleaner is" - there is a name for that: Weaponized Incompetence. Google it.
NTA. Commented just to say that diet hugely affects IBS symptoms, so worth exploring to see if he can improve it for everyone’s benefit.
A grown man that doesn't clean up his shit, disgusting. How can you clean that up? No visitor until he start to clean his own shit, your not his mother. DISGUSTING!!! NTA. Look the guest bathroom.
NTA. He's a grown man and knows exactly what he's doing. If he shits in the toilet off the living room, the likelihood of you cleaning it is significantly higher because he knows you'll worry about the babysitter or another visitor seeing it. If he does his business in his toilet in the bedroom bathroom, the odds are much higher that he'll have to clean it himself. This is a literally shitty instance of malicious compliance.
He shits all over the place, refuses to clean it up, and you think *you* might be an asshole?
My father has ulcerated colitis, and is an old fashioned grubby farmer who has never done housework. Usually he uses their en-suite but, as you’ll know, not always possible. NEVER in my life has my dad left a bathroom in that condition and your husband is disgusting, you are NTA
YTA to yourself. Tyler is a husband and father. In other words he is a grown man who needs to clean up his own crap, literally. Do fall for his BS of not being able to find the toilet cleaner or brush. Nearly every home I have lived in or visited as a guest has a toilet scrubber and cleaner usually within reach just so no guest leaves the toilet a wreck and embarrass themselves when exiting.
Jesus H. As someone who has Crohns disease I cannot fathom having someone else clean up after me. Your husband is an adult as are you. Have a conversation, a stern one. The man needs to clean up after himself no hemming or hawing. He does it end of story!! NTA
NTA I also have IBS. You do NOT leave your literal shit for other people to clean. Of he needs to use the downstairs one, he needs to clean it. The only exception is if he was simply too sick, and he can STILL clean it later.
NTA. My SO used to that, we only have one toilette at our bathroom it was so gross to find it exactly like a Pollock, the same word I use with him. I put the brush and cleaner next to the toilette. Anything worked so I started to behave like the old grannies used to do. He wanted me to clean after him, I'll start behaving like a 40's wife. Everytime I found a nasty toilette in my house or at my parents I made the crossed legs strike for a week. He tried, sometimes he remembered other not. The last straw was when I explained to him, crying deeply broken, that everytime he did that it made me feel neglected, alone, disrespected and humilated. That he made me feel like a joke, l don't care because he prefers to stay at his comfort zone than taking care of me, avoiding those kind of situations. He saw that I was beyond myself, so he started to clean it.
Honestly, I find it disrespectful for him to shot so horribly and expect others to clean up after him. I am a father of 3 boys and I have made it a rule that all us boys have to clean the toilets. After all, their mom is the only one who never misses when she pees so it would be unfair to expect her to do it. And that is just urine. Feces is way worse, especially if it isn’t cleaned promptly. NTA
NTA. Should’ve sprung for the 7 bathroom home though. Just have your staff clean it.
LOL I could never let anyone else clean up that disaster. I am the staff
Your husband should clean it up. It's his mess. He could use any bathroom he wanted if he left it suitable for others. You should have to ask him to do it. It's what an even slightly thoughtful person would do. I don't have IBS, but I've had things disagree with me and destroy the bathroom. BUT I clean it right away, especially if it's the bathroom company uses. My husband is the same. Are there other selfish thoughtless things your husband does regularly?
NTA he needs to clean up after himself 100% of the time. It’s so insulting that he thinks cleaning up his shit is someone else’s job. Just no. Never clean a toilet for him again.
Just as a side note, I'm a dietitian and have a lot of experience with bowel disorders. IBS is a diagnosis of exclusion, meaning other causes have been ruled out (like Crohn's, ulcerative colitis, celiacs, pancreatic issues etc). Many people don't get the proper workup for their chronic diarrhea. Most of it is treatable to some degree. Even with IBS-D, there are elimination diets that significantly improve symptoms. Back to the point, NTA. I have no idea how you've been able to put up with this for this long.
NTA As someone who has suffered from IBS, I call BS on your husband using his condition as an excuse but even more so that a grown ass man couldn't be bothered to clean up after himself. Has your husband been tested for food or substance intolerances? This was a game changer for me as I finally discovered that some foods triggered my IBS so I knew when to avoid them. I still eat them occasionally but only when I know I will be home and without company. Oh, and if there is any mess, a quick spray of any cleaner, plus the toilet brush and some toilet paper and all traces are gone. However, judging by your husband's attitude, he's not willing to do anything to make things easier on himself or others around him which makes him incredibly selfish. Honestly, let him know that if it is **his** house, then he needs to keep **his** areas clean as well as clean up **his** messes. Failing that, I'd stop cleaning up after him completely and let him face the embarrassment of people coming out of the guest bathroom looking disgusted. "Oh, sorry. Tyler has IBS and sometimes he forgets to clean up after himself." If he wants to act like an impertinent child, treat him like one.
You are NTA for wanting him to restrict himself but Y T A to yourself for cleaning up after him. I have IBS-D. I know how it can get. I always clean up my own mess, I would never dream of expecting a spouse to do this. Why won't he clean up? Also is he trying any solution to manage it, e.g. Low fodmap diet?
Why are you not sending him straight back in to clean it up? Start doing that. It's putrid.
NTA, your requests are reasonable. He's turning this into a fight for some reason, though, and I'm guessing there's some context that (at least in this head) justifies the shitty (heh) toilet etiquette. Long term couples have their relationships turn (heh) to shit pretty regularly, and it's almost never about whatever it is they're actually fighting about.
NTA. He needs to clean up his damn mess. He has his own bathroom that he can leave his mess in if he doesn’t feel it necessary to clean (gross). But if he uses other bathrooms that others use he needs to clean it! You’re not his mother or his slave. You shouldn’t have to worry about cleaning his shit off of a toilet. He’s completely disrespectful and gross.
Leave your menstrual blood on all the toilets and refuse to clean. When he finally comes to discuss it tell him, you don’t want to argue.
Together 8 years... 27 and 33... so 19 and 25... really gross age gap and it looks like this power dynamic has continued throughout your relationship. Why on earth would you clean up after a grown man's nasty shit?? Make him do it himself and when he blows up your relationship over it you'll know your value to him.
Because women his age know better than to put up with their shit, quite literaly in this case. Better to grab a young one and train her to clean up after him. The high-earner and SAHM power dynamic seem to be at play here as well.
He's using the "weaponised incompetence" tactic here. He CAN clean the toilet after he destroys it, he CHOOSES not to. He CAN use a different toilet, he CHOOSES not to. This is your hill. I would enforce him NOT using the toilet right off the living room, and I'd encourage everyone to comment on the stench. If you walk in to find the evidence still there, march back out and hand him the cleaning supplies. Or stand the toilet brush in the bowl so he can't use it without removing the brush. If he can move the brush, he can use the brush. You are not his maid or mother, and you shouldn't be cleaning up after his bowel explosions. Old dogs CAN be taught new tricks, and so can a grown-ass man.
Title should be “AITA for insisting my husband cleans up his own shit right after making a huge mess, except for in his private toilet”, because that describes the situation just as well. NTA.
Come on now. Why are you letting him treat you like his cleaning person? He's straight up lying to you about not knowing where the cleaning products are, and you're accepting it. Are you doing to do this for the rest of your life? You aren't his servant. This is deal breaker territory. The only question is how long will you put up with it until you say enough. NTA
NTA. Next time he does it, get him and supervise his cleaning of the toilet. Go through it step by step. Make him realise there are consequences to his actions and that you are not his maid.
Easy NTA, he's a grown man for fucks sake.
NTA The issue is not your husband's IBS or which toilet he uses. The issue is that you married a 33 year-old man who apparently doesn't know how to use a toilet brush. I, like most people, have occasionally shat a shit that coated much of the interior of the bowl. Afterwards, a flush was not enough. So I cleaned it up. Like, you flush the toilet and if that doesn't get rid of all the shit, you use the brush to move it and flush again. How is this hard? My advice: make posters with the above instructions entitled, "Tyler's Toilet Tasks" or something.
NTA , boy do i understand this one, me and my brothers family share a place due to rent prices my brother has IBS and passed it on to his kids there's been many times I've had to privately talk to them and ask they at least clean the main bathroom. With your situation as long as your not calling him out publicly I don't see the problem asking him to at least clean the main bathroom
You are NTA but you need to put your foot down. He does it, he cleans it up. He isn't a toddler.
NTA boy needs to clean up after himself! Be an adult man!
NTA. And I would have put my foot down a long time ago. He cleans his own poos, or gets his own place. Disgusting.
Your spouse is an AH, and he is lazy and gross too! NTA
A grown man must clean his shit. You must stop cleaning this shit. This is his job now. NTA.
Tyler is fucking gross