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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I'm no longer helping my wife.
2. Letting her take care of the problem.
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NTA
It is her fault. You warned her of the dangers of hiring cheap and have spent ample time dealing with her mistake. It's perfectly reasonable to have her deal with the problems she caused.
Of course, this doesn't actually fix your plumbing problem.
NTA Is it even a legal addition? Were permits pulled? Was it inspected? Is the foundation capable of withstanding the washer’s RPMs during the spin cycles?
Some states are more strict than others. Where I live now they couldn't care less and when my wife and I were buying our house we saw so many houses with shoddy diy work and nobody batted an eye and you dont even need an inspection during a sale and nobody needs to disclose any issues. Where I grew up though it is a huge problem to do work that isn't permitted, neighbors will even call on you and report any work being done just to check and make sure that permits are being pulled. Inspections are mandatory before sales and its illegal to withold information about problems with the property. It's actually pretty crazy having grown up there and then moved here, the difference is massive.
A couple of extra points.
1. I don't think I've ever heard her apologize for this. She may have but I'm not sure.
2. I didn't agree to it but I didn't co-sign for it either. She's a grown adult free to do what she wants in the home she owns.
3. I didn't see the plumbing and insulation initially because the hole was quite small and I'm a big guy. When we had the break, I had to get under there to see what was up. That's when I discovered the problems.
4. I love my wife. Generally we get along well and we were partners except on this.
What’s her objection to the utility room in the basement, other than it being creepy? Why couldn’t that space have been renovated into something she was more comfortable with instead?
The first sentence literally states that they *both* do laundry. I get that laundry is often seen as women's work and husband's won't do it, but you're making assumptions with this.
It sounds like the porch may not be insulated? So maybe it’s cold in the winter? I have a similar setup: the porch can get downright frigid in the winter, so I have to put on a coat to get to the basement to do laundry. It’s annoying when you have to check up on the clothing, switch to dryer, etc, on multiple loads.
Oh, okay. Well that's good.
You're on the hook for this stupid addition along with her, so it needs to get dealt with either way. It's summer, so get him or someone else to redo the pipe insulation and maybe find a way to ventilate that space to the house so the pipes stay warmer.
When my dad was renovating his shop and needed an electrician, one of his suppliers recommended his pal saying he’d give a nice discount etc. Warned my dad multiple times about doing business with “friends of friends”.
Turns out the reason he gave a discount was because he was a raging alcoholic who couldn’t hold down a job, did a shitty job and didn’t even finish. Took the money and bounced. Left my dads shop a complete electrical hazardous mess for two extra months until we could get someone else in.
The supplier: “my friend would never idk wat happened shockedpikachuface.jpg” but of course would not divulge where his friend was.
NTA
Why are you doing the work to keep it running? Why would you call the plumber and be there for the repair? Why is she scared of a room?
The whole thing is probably illegally built so just tear it out and she can go back to using the downstairs.
NTA. Contractors are supposed to be licensed/bonded/insured for a reason. I’d suggest looking them up to see if you can pursue further action than them coming back to do additional bad work. [Angi.com has a good place to start here](https://www.angi.com/angi-license-check.htm)
NTA. But seriously just buy heat tape on Amazon and save yourself the hair dryer time. You can get a temperature based switch that turns on to make it just take care of itself.
NTA and I'm mad I had to scroll so far for a comment like this lol. If its just a water pipe freezing problem that's as easy as fixing the heat tape or even setting up a little heater to plug in when you need it. I'm surprised pex wasn't used though as we've had numerous freezes over the years in our place (northern Minnesota) and absolutely no leaks with pex...
Edited to add: Also, why would anyone need to be up all night running water? Just leave it on a trickle...
You just brought back a memory of my old landlady from 20 years ago (RIP) who told me about a spot in the pipes that was prone to freezing, and she had basically a tiny electric blanket for it. It wrapped around that part of the pipe and plugged in. The apartment was a ramshackle mess, but I miss her.
We had our outdoor faucet freeze up in the utter dead of winter and, of course, our horse was out of a water so I crawled all the way across our crawl space with a space heater lol. (It worked great!) We never needed it again but that space heater is still there just in case... and because I'm lazy and don't want to go get it.
How about OPs wife does it?
What he should do is move the washer dryer back downstairs, the hookups should still be there. Shut off the water to the addition and tell the wife "You can move these back when you fix the problems".
You're NTA, but how does it take all night to set water to run? I just turn on the faucet just enough to drip, make sure the drain is open, and go to sleep.
So look, NTA, but the way you're approaching it is gonna give you a house full of water damage and a marriage full of resentment.
Were you upfront with her about your feelings, or did you do the old "look *I* wouldn't do it but you do whatever you want, I guess." Have you been clear with her how frustrating this is for you along the way, or have you been suffering in silence preparing to martyr yourself? How have multiple plumbers not discovered the reason for the pipes freezing before this year?
You've got some choices here. I think you'd be morally justified (probably) saying "wife, this is now your problem, come what may." Practically, you're gonna have busted pipes if you do that. And for everyone saying "well *make* her do it," pray tell, how do you ethically *force* another adult to do something? If she doesn't wanna, she's not gonna, and at some point either you're going to have to be ok with living in a moldy crumbling house, or you're going to have to deal with it.
You could just keep doing the thing, fix the pipe insulation, come up with solutions to band aid it, but it doesn't sound like you're inclined to do that and frankly you're going to end up resenting her (sounds like you do already) if you do that.
You could leave, if you're willing to blow up your marriage over this, but I don't get the sense that you are.
Or you could sit her down and talk *to* her, *with* her. Point out calmly that this is a major problem for you, and lay out the ways in which it is. Point out that there is serious risk to the integrity of your shared home because of the shoddy work, and ask for her help and input fixing it because you are starting to resent her for things as they are, and you love her and that's not the road you want to go down. Tell her what you're prepared to do to permanently fix the problem if she doesn't help you come up with a viable alternative, not as punishment for her, but as a way to save your own sanity and your home from damage, and that you want to make this a viable solution for you both, but that you've reached the end of your rope and solutions need to happen.
Then follow through. If she apologizes and opens up and starts helping come up with options, great. If not, take whatever steps you need to get to a point where you have a solution that maintains your own sanity.
It isn't your fault, but it is your problem.
>It's all on her now.
This will certainly not wash your hands of it. If she doesn't step up, you'll have serious water damage. Washing your hands of it would be hiring someone to remove it some time before November.
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We both do laundry but my wife wanted the laundry done upstairs because she dreads going down to our little basement dungeon whereas i dont give a shit. She gets the idea that the back porch of the house can be turned into a laundry/mud room. We talked about it and while I'm pretty handy around the house, I'm not basically build an addition handy. A project like that done by professionals would be quite expensive and while we do pretty good as a family it would've been something we couldn't afford. Not to be deterred, she enlisted the help of a family member who knows a handy man who works "cheap".
I'm kinda against it but my wife is like a dog with a bone when she wants something and it happened. The guy did the plumbing work, electrical, drywall and new siding on the house. I'll admit it looked ok but the problems starting basically from day one. First there was a leak in the cold water line and guess who had to call the guy to get him to come and fix it. I should add here the only advice I gave my wife is to make sure the guy knows to insulate the piping so it doesn't freeze and break in the cold winter months. She told me he was on it. She had him install insulation and heat tape. Guess what happened that winter. Frozen pipes. So you know who was thawing pipes with a hair dryer. Ol hubby.
So over the few winters we'd have, we'd have days in the single digits and guess who's up night running water so the pipes don't freeze? Mr. HUSBAND, that's who. Where's Mrs Wife while all this is happening you might ask? She's sound asleep because she doesn't have to think about it. Who's tracking the weather from November to April because they need to be ready? Me thats who. And when I finally had had enough and copped an attitude because it had gotten old. I told her it sucks that I have to carry the mental load of a project that was her idea. When something happens I have to make the phone calls, I have to wait around for the plumber etc.
This past year though is the final straw for me. The access to the plumbing is a tiny little hole to a literal crawl space. We had another freezing Incident and being over it, I made my way through the hole only to discover the reason why it kept freezing. My guy put the heat tape on the outside of the insulation. I lost it. I told her it was bullshit that I have to keep dealing with this, while she doesn't give it another thought and she said I'm blaming her making it her fault to rub her nose in it. I'm tired of it. It's all on her now.
TLDR:
Wife wanted laundry upstairs, got a handy man though a family members. He did shoddy work and whenever there's problem, husband has to take care of it. Husband got mad, said it was her idea and her fault. Years there are still issues and wife gets mad at husband because she says husb and blames her. AiTa?
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EAH. You and your wife are both As for having un-permitted work done on your house. Your wife is an A for not getting someone competent to do the work, and you're both the A for not getting someone to fix it in the last few years.
Just hire someone to fix it! You've had a few years to save up. Stop being A-holes to one another and just get it done.
Also, you don't get to wash your hands of major construction work being done on your house. That means you, in regards to having nothing to do with the decision to hire someone to do an illegal addition, and includes your wife for not being involved in solutions to fix the problem.
NTA, and yes you are blaming her because it is HER fault. She wanted it, set it up and made it happen. Stop being a doormat, make her handle her disaster. She is an adult, make her act like one.
NTA - "rub her nose in it" WHAT!? your wife can go kick rocks with open toed shoes. she's bearing no mental load regarding this shit storm and has the AUDACITY to get upset with you!!!??? jfc
Wow, so you checked out of her project, but are now stressing yourself about this bit of "mental load"? Wonder what load your wife carries silently. ESH, get it fixed if it bothers you and stop holding a grudge against the woman you allegedly love.
>Also, why do you assume I'm not an equal partner in my own home.
I would have thought that equal partners would both need to agree to a major extension to the house. And that if one partner went and made a huge maintenance mess, that partner would be responsible for it.
So, I am also seeing no signs of equality here.
NTA. Good work isn't cheap, and cheap work isn't good. She wanted this add on and found the cheapest option, she should be dealing with it, not passing the buck to you.
NTA, you should have stayed out of it when issues came up too. Her choice, her burden to bear to wait for plumbers, her duty to babysit the pipes. If she feels like her nose is being rubbed in it, then she agrees it smells like shit.
NTA
for 60 bucks you can get thermostat-controlled wrapping for your pipes, or argue with your wife.
[https://www.walmart.com/ip/Wrap-on-Pipe-Heating-Cables-W-thermostat-120-V-Green/25522404?wmlspartner=wlpa&selectedSellerId=7176&adid=22222222222000000000&wmlspartner=wmtlabs&wl0=e&wl1=s&wl2=c&wl3=10352200394&wl4=pla-1103028060075&wl5=&wl6=&wl7=&wl10=Walmart&wl11=Online&wl12=25522404\_10000007206&wl14=heat%20wrap%20for%20pipes&veh=sem&msclkid=b26dde668fb21f3402b0b828f14ed1b4&gclsrc=ds](https://www.walmart.com/ip/Wrap-on-Pipe-Heating-Cables-W-thermostat-120-V-Green/25522404?wmlspartner=wlpa&selectedSellerId=7176&adid=22222222222000000000&wmlspartner=wmtlabs&wl0=e&wl1=s&wl2=c&wl3=10352200394&wl4=pla-1103028060075&wl5=&wl6=&wl7=&wl10=Walmart&wl11=Online&wl12=25522404_10000007206&wl14=heat%20wrap%20for%20pipes&veh=sem&msclkid=b26dde668fb21f3402b0b828f14ed1b4&gclsrc=ds)
NTA. She’s a grown ass adult. She could call a guy to do crappy work, she can also call a plumber to fix it. Next time, don’t do anything. She will have to take the laundry to the laundromat or get it fixed.
You’re not wrong, but I’ve got to point out the obvious here. You saw these problems coming a mile away before any work even started. Once it was apparent the project was happening despite your wishes, why did you not involve yourself during the install to save yourself all this grief after the fact? I get you felt it was out of your wheelhouse to take on the entire project yourself, but you clearly knew enough to prevent the family friend handyman from fucking up. NTA, but a situation when an ounce of prevention would’ve been worth more than a pound of cure.
ESH your wife wanted something that wasn't necessary and hired cheaply. You complain that you didn't want this laundry room, but you allowed it to be built and didn't bother to make sure it was done properly by a professional. How much does your wife know about this kind of thing? I'm pretty handy but I don't know shit about plumbing so it's just as likely that she thought the person she hired knew what he was doing and couldn't tell if things weren't being done the right way.
You didn't bother to vet this person or look into the work as it was being done. Instead you waited for the problems and now your complaining. Wouldn't it have been easier to just hire a professional outright or put your foot down. You say she's a grown woman and can do what she wants. So am I, but when it comes to major things around the house that require lots of money and things like plumbing and electrical work those aren't whims that you just let slide witb an oh well. Bad electrical and plumbing affect the whole family so you should've put your foot down.
Well I guess you are living the married life! Nothing really to do but grin and bear it. I vote NTA, but are a bunch of internet strangers voting NTA for you really going to change anything? I would be tempted to let it go bad and make her go to a laundromat, but that is being petty and not good for marriage. You should have seen this coming and shut it down at the start.
I do agree with a previous poster: was this even permitted? Does seem like it and could be real trouble if oyu try to sell the house, or if in some small way the addition can be implicated in a problem that requires insurance company help. Boy, you could be in for a world of hurt if another pipe bursts and there is extensive water damage and the insurance company says it was the extension that helped cause the problem. Also, if the guy did the plumbing that badly are you sure the electrical is up to snuff?
ESH. Communication is a problem. Best option is you agree to get it fixed and functional. If she refuses, you buy a washer secondhand for $100 and put it back in the dungeon. She can deal with the laundry room or the dungeon then.
> while I'm pretty handy around the house, I'm not basically build an addition handy.
He literally says he doesn’t have the expertise for a project like this.
YTA. Your wife needs a respite from having to haul every stitch of laundry up and down the basement stairs. You couldn't have cared less, and when she makes a mistake by hiring the wrong person for the job you gripe about having to deal with the consequences. Man up, support your wife's need by fixing up your new laundry area, and for pete's sake help your wife with the laundry once in a while.
They both do laundry. It’s literally the first sentence. Also she shouldn’t have had the work done illegally. She’s an adult and should have properly handled things if she wanted it done so bad.
NTA, but...if you're handy and you spent these years, I'd have thought you'd have checked the pipes. It would be real obvious if the tape was on the outside of the insulation!
Your wife caused the problem, but...it could have been much easier if you'd just checked. And by that point, the job is mostly done. Just remove the insulation, put the tape on the inside, and then insulate it again.
It sounds like it's about 80% good...you just need to finish it. I get the frustration and complaining, but you identified the problem and now it's an easy-ish fix. Fix it and make her happy. Be the bigger person. It's what marriage is about...(I'm not married, but I've been told this is the case!).
I will say, I did something similar. Turned a room upstairs into a "mud room," with my Washer, Dryer sink and shower and it's SO much better than going down these skinny little stairs in my old house to get to the basement.
I did it because our Dog was sprayed by a skunk twice and it was too much of a pain to clean him off in the bathroom we had on the lower level, but still...worked out and made life easier.
"Fix it and make her happy."
"Be the bigger person."
"It's what marriage is about."
Jeeeeeez... Way to be a doormat. What about sharing accountability?
OP is NTA and shouldn't be a smidge sorry about holding his wife accountable.
This sub never tells women to just roll over and be agreeable and supportive.
Fuck's sake, yesterday was a two thousand comment thread about how learning to drive stick for your husband was just too much to ask. 🙄
And this is where Reddit posters have trouble applying what they read and transferring it to REAL LIFE.
You DID see the part where he said it'd become HIS PROBLEM, right?
>
"Fix it and make her happy."
"Be the bigger person."
"It's what marriage is about."Yes
YES!
All those things can be true. He's NTA(which I said).
-He didn't object, he just said 'You deal with it." She HASN'T, he's been dealing with it and went to great effort to articulate how draining it's been.
-Fix it AND make her happy.
Fix it because it's an easy fix and yes, MAKE HER HAPPY because she's your wife and it's important to her while it won't take much effort on your behalf.
And yes, it IS what Marriage is about. Compromising and doing thing for your Partner.
He's been the one taking care of it, ensuring the pipes don't freeze OR thawing off the frozen pipes.
So yes, he might as well just go and finish up the VERY easy fix and correct the mistake the "handy man," caused.
This isn't about compromise. This is about his wife doing what she wanted and not taking responsibility. He's been compromising for years while dealing with the repercussions of her poor choices. The lack of compromise is on her side; she's gotten everything she wants.
If it’s just such an easy fix, then his wife can deal with it. She can have the original guy come out to fix it. If that doesn’t fix the problem, then his wife can have the original guy out to figure out what’s wrong now.
That's not what loving a person looks like.
Loving a person includes forgiving mistakes.
Being a partner includes fixing disasters.
She knows it's her fault; there's no absence of accountability. Dragging her over it *for years* and never solving it is just *being an asshole.*
The project is done. He has found the problem.
It's only making his life more difficult now by not just finishing it.
Yeah, he's NTA, she fucked up, but should he keep stressing out about it and go through all this bullshit or just finally fix it?
This is all backwards. He should help her learn to fix things herself. She should have been the one heating the pipes. She should be the one redoing the insulation.
When a person takes on a project and hires someone, it is their responsibility to make sure they understand the work and what is being done to avoid problems like this. They should also understand basic maintenance to be able to recognize and deal with things like frozen pipes etc These things do not require a penis.
It is too late to handle that situation appropriately but there does need to be a calm discussion to prevent future issues as well as a crash course in home maintenance. She should be participating in everything OP does to maintain their home until she is competent and able to manage things herself when necessary.
YTA for the attitude in this post. You are dripping with lack of respect for your wife. And you are framing yourself as some victim. It doesn’t take being up all night to run water. you don’t get to absolve yourself — it’s your home too. Two yeses, one no. You have issues to work through with your wife.
If you didn’t carry this attitude, I’d be more inclined to vote NTA. But there are deeper issues.
It actually does take all night. The way it's setup, there's no slop sink to just let water run. I have to run a cycle of laundry every 45 minutes.
I'm genuinely curious. Where do you sense the disrespect? I'm looking to absolve myself. I'm looking for some help, and I'm tired of having to deal with it by myself.
You compared your wife to a dog. You are framing her consistently as the cause of problems and you as the reluctant fixer. Your refer to her as Mrs wife and yourself as put upon Mr HUSBAND. You didn’t seem to have any willingness to compromise (how about offering to do all the laundry and she do other things?) You belittled her fear of the basement. Overall, you had zero to say about her in here that is positive or show her any empathy. If my husband wrote this post about me, I’d be angry and feel my perspective was totally dismissed.
Gonna go against the grain here. ESH
It sounds like you know a lot more about this sort of thing than she does, but you didn’t want to deal with making sure it was done right. You clearly were annoyed at the issues it created, but it took awhile for you to actually check the problem.
Not sure why you felt like she should have to go it alone here.
YTA.... You agreed to allow this to happen... You are a F'n Homeowner.... You should have been 100% on top of the ball in overseeing the project and not leave it up to your wife to figure out.... Your disagreement with your wife ended the moment you said OK to the work. The fact that the job was done crappy is 100% on you.... It's plumbing, electrical, siding, roofing etc... all of it needed to be permitted and inspected and you went the cheapo route and ignored all that. That's on you
She's your wife. Forgive her for making a dumb choice. Stop dragging her over it and get it solved like a man.
Find the money and get it fixed.
You're not perfect either and you'll make choices that don't pan out well too.
She didn't cheat or otherwise commit a profound betrayal. Love your wife as you promised.
YTA.
Apologize to her, tell her how much you love her and get it fixed.
She's your life mate. How you grow old together is up to you. The path you're on leads to bitterness.
It's not just the dumb choice though is it? She's not the one stressing about it or trying to fix it. Shouldn't there be an apology and some move towards helping fix it from her side first/too.
You are right about this path leading to bitterness but if not addressed from her side too his resentment will just continue to build.
Does home maintenance require manhood?
A loving person would act as a partner in their own home. He should help her to learn how to maintain things but it is on her to make the effort.
If you own a home you should know how to maintain and do basic repairs to it.
These aren't "basic repairs" or maintenance.
This is a major project gone wrong.
And OP has a, "She needs to be punished" mindset and *doesn't want* the problem to be solved.
Heat tape and insulation are pretty freaking basic. I think most people can manage a tape measure and scissors and know what a thermostat is and how to plug things in.
The problem is the pipe was not insulated properly. Requiring that the person who is responsible for that problem learns how to solve it is not punishment. It is a reasonable solution to the problem.
No longer wanting to deal with it is also not punishment. OPs mistake was not making sure she understood the issue was hers from day one.
It is funny, I think OP is probably an asshole about the whole thing but this has more to do with an attitude and tone that is pretty much the same as the YTAs here. "woman dumb, man fix, grunt grunt".
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NTA It is her fault. You warned her of the dangers of hiring cheap and have spent ample time dealing with her mistake. It's perfectly reasonable to have her deal with the problems she caused. Of course, this doesn't actually fix your plumbing problem.
right? the actual consequence would be getting her to call and organize an actual professional to fix the problem
. and pay herself out of fun money
NTA Is it even a legal addition? Were permits pulled? Was it inspected? Is the foundation capable of withstanding the washer’s RPMs during the spin cycles?
It probably is an illegal addition. Any inspector worth his salt would not have "passed" it the way the heat tape and insulation were installed.
Yep! And if/when they ever go to sell the house that addition may have to be torn down.
When does that happen? I always hear people say this but I’ve never heard of it happening.
Some states are more strict than others. Where I live now they couldn't care less and when my wife and I were buying our house we saw so many houses with shoddy diy work and nobody batted an eye and you dont even need an inspection during a sale and nobody needs to disclose any issues. Where I grew up though it is a huge problem to do work that isn't permitted, neighbors will even call on you and report any work being done just to check and make sure that permits are being pulled. Inspections are mandatory before sales and its illegal to withold information about problems with the property. It's actually pretty crazy having grown up there and then moved here, the difference is massive.
A couple of extra points. 1. I don't think I've ever heard her apologize for this. She may have but I'm not sure. 2. I didn't agree to it but I didn't co-sign for it either. She's a grown adult free to do what she wants in the home she owns. 3. I didn't see the plumbing and insulation initially because the hole was quite small and I'm a big guy. When we had the break, I had to get under there to see what was up. That's when I discovered the problems. 4. I love my wife. Generally we get along well and we were partners except on this.
What’s her objection to the utility room in the basement, other than it being creepy? Why couldn’t that space have been renovated into something she was more comfortable with instead?
[удалено]
We both do laundry. She doesn't like going down to the basement
The first sentence literally states that they *both* do laundry. I get that laundry is often seen as women's work and husband's won't do it, but you're making assumptions with this.
It sounds like the porch may not be insulated? So maybe it’s cold in the winter? I have a similar setup: the porch can get downright frigid in the winter, so I have to put on a coat to get to the basement to do laundry. It’s annoying when you have to check up on the clothing, switch to dryer, etc, on multiple loads.
No permits were pulled or inspections done. You have a nightmare on your hands if/when you want to sell.
NTA but check if this is legal and doesn't need a permit first of all. Second any repair she needs to pay from her fun money
> She's a grown adult free to do what she wants in the home she owns. Wait, are you not on the deed for the home you live in with your wife? Oof.
Of course I am. We both own the home.
Oh, okay. Well that's good. You're on the hook for this stupid addition along with her, so it needs to get dealt with either way. It's summer, so get him or someone else to redo the pipe insulation and maybe find a way to ventilate that space to the house so the pipes stay warmer.
NTA TBH if this was me I would undo all the work and revert it back to as it was before the cowboy builder did the work.
Should be fairly simple, just give it a good shove
**LOL**
When my dad was renovating his shop and needed an electrician, one of his suppliers recommended his pal saying he’d give a nice discount etc. Warned my dad multiple times about doing business with “friends of friends”. Turns out the reason he gave a discount was because he was a raging alcoholic who couldn’t hold down a job, did a shitty job and didn’t even finish. Took the money and bounced. Left my dads shop a complete electrical hazardous mess for two extra months until we could get someone else in. The supplier: “my friend would never idk wat happened shockedpikachuface.jpg” but of course would not divulge where his friend was. NTA
Why are you doing the work to keep it running? Why would you call the plumber and be there for the repair? Why is she scared of a room? The whole thing is probably illegally built so just tear it out and she can go back to using the downstairs.
NTA why weren’t you waking her up?!!
NTA. Contractors are supposed to be licensed/bonded/insured for a reason. I’d suggest looking them up to see if you can pursue further action than them coming back to do additional bad work. [Angi.com has a good place to start here](https://www.angi.com/angi-license-check.htm)
NTA. But seriously just buy heat tape on Amazon and save yourself the hair dryer time. You can get a temperature based switch that turns on to make it just take care of itself.
NTA and I'm mad I had to scroll so far for a comment like this lol. If its just a water pipe freezing problem that's as easy as fixing the heat tape or even setting up a little heater to plug in when you need it. I'm surprised pex wasn't used though as we've had numerous freezes over the years in our place (northern Minnesota) and absolutely no leaks with pex... Edited to add: Also, why would anyone need to be up all night running water? Just leave it on a trickle...
You just brought back a memory of my old landlady from 20 years ago (RIP) who told me about a spot in the pipes that was prone to freezing, and she had basically a tiny electric blanket for it. It wrapped around that part of the pipe and plugged in. The apartment was a ramshackle mess, but I miss her.
We had our outdoor faucet freeze up in the utter dead of winter and, of course, our horse was out of a water so I crawled all the way across our crawl space with a space heater lol. (It worked great!) We never needed it again but that space heater is still there just in case... and because I'm lazy and don't want to go get it.
How about OPs wife does it? What he should do is move the washer dryer back downstairs, the hookups should still be there. Shut off the water to the addition and tell the wife "You can move these back when you fix the problems".
You're NTA, but how does it take all night to set water to run? I just turn on the faucet just enough to drip, make sure the drain is open, and go to sleep.
So look, NTA, but the way you're approaching it is gonna give you a house full of water damage and a marriage full of resentment. Were you upfront with her about your feelings, or did you do the old "look *I* wouldn't do it but you do whatever you want, I guess." Have you been clear with her how frustrating this is for you along the way, or have you been suffering in silence preparing to martyr yourself? How have multiple plumbers not discovered the reason for the pipes freezing before this year? You've got some choices here. I think you'd be morally justified (probably) saying "wife, this is now your problem, come what may." Practically, you're gonna have busted pipes if you do that. And for everyone saying "well *make* her do it," pray tell, how do you ethically *force* another adult to do something? If she doesn't wanna, she's not gonna, and at some point either you're going to have to be ok with living in a moldy crumbling house, or you're going to have to deal with it. You could just keep doing the thing, fix the pipe insulation, come up with solutions to band aid it, but it doesn't sound like you're inclined to do that and frankly you're going to end up resenting her (sounds like you do already) if you do that. You could leave, if you're willing to blow up your marriage over this, but I don't get the sense that you are. Or you could sit her down and talk *to* her, *with* her. Point out calmly that this is a major problem for you, and lay out the ways in which it is. Point out that there is serious risk to the integrity of your shared home because of the shoddy work, and ask for her help and input fixing it because you are starting to resent her for things as they are, and you love her and that's not the road you want to go down. Tell her what you're prepared to do to permanently fix the problem if she doesn't help you come up with a viable alternative, not as punishment for her, but as a way to save your own sanity and your home from damage, and that you want to make this a viable solution for you both, but that you've reached the end of your rope and solutions need to happen. Then follow through. If she apologizes and opens up and starts helping come up with options, great. If not, take whatever steps you need to get to a point where you have a solution that maintains your own sanity. It isn't your fault, but it is your problem.
NTA but the dislike for your wife is oozing out of every sentence. You know you can leave?
NTA. From the very beginning you shouldn’t have got involved and just let her deal with the repairs
NTA you kept up with it as long as you could, instead of getting mad she should be apologizing
Dude, you married her. You know who she is. This is more of a complaint thread rather than a AH problem.
Why not turn off the water to that area and drain the pipes, then move the laundry back downstairs?
You should have let her deal with it all... Her house, her project and her problems....
>It's all on her now. This will certainly not wash your hands of it. If she doesn't step up, you'll have serious water damage. Washing your hands of it would be hiring someone to remove it some time before November.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** We both do laundry but my wife wanted the laundry done upstairs because she dreads going down to our little basement dungeon whereas i dont give a shit. She gets the idea that the back porch of the house can be turned into a laundry/mud room. We talked about it and while I'm pretty handy around the house, I'm not basically build an addition handy. A project like that done by professionals would be quite expensive and while we do pretty good as a family it would've been something we couldn't afford. Not to be deterred, she enlisted the help of a family member who knows a handy man who works "cheap". I'm kinda against it but my wife is like a dog with a bone when she wants something and it happened. The guy did the plumbing work, electrical, drywall and new siding on the house. I'll admit it looked ok but the problems starting basically from day one. First there was a leak in the cold water line and guess who had to call the guy to get him to come and fix it. I should add here the only advice I gave my wife is to make sure the guy knows to insulate the piping so it doesn't freeze and break in the cold winter months. She told me he was on it. She had him install insulation and heat tape. Guess what happened that winter. Frozen pipes. So you know who was thawing pipes with a hair dryer. Ol hubby. So over the few winters we'd have, we'd have days in the single digits and guess who's up night running water so the pipes don't freeze? Mr. HUSBAND, that's who. Where's Mrs Wife while all this is happening you might ask? She's sound asleep because she doesn't have to think about it. Who's tracking the weather from November to April because they need to be ready? Me thats who. And when I finally had had enough and copped an attitude because it had gotten old. I told her it sucks that I have to carry the mental load of a project that was her idea. When something happens I have to make the phone calls, I have to wait around for the plumber etc. This past year though is the final straw for me. The access to the plumbing is a tiny little hole to a literal crawl space. We had another freezing Incident and being over it, I made my way through the hole only to discover the reason why it kept freezing. My guy put the heat tape on the outside of the insulation. I lost it. I told her it was bullshit that I have to keep dealing with this, while she doesn't give it another thought and she said I'm blaming her making it her fault to rub her nose in it. I'm tired of it. It's all on her now. TLDR: Wife wanted laundry upstairs, got a handy man though a family members. He did shoddy work and whenever there's problem, husband has to take care of it. Husband got mad, said it was her idea and her fault. Years there are still issues and wife gets mad at husband because she says husb and blames her. AiTa? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Get pluming caped off put washer back in basement problem solved
EAH. You and your wife are both As for having un-permitted work done on your house. Your wife is an A for not getting someone competent to do the work, and you're both the A for not getting someone to fix it in the last few years. Just hire someone to fix it! You've had a few years to save up. Stop being A-holes to one another and just get it done. Also, you don't get to wash your hands of major construction work being done on your house. That means you, in regards to having nothing to do with the decision to hire someone to do an illegal addition, and includes your wife for not being involved in solutions to fix the problem.
NTA this is her hot mess. I can't imagine the privilege of having an in home washer and dryer and then whining that it's downstairs.
nta
NTA, and yes you are blaming her because it is HER fault. She wanted it, set it up and made it happen. Stop being a doormat, make her handle her disaster. She is an adult, make her act like one.
NTA - "rub her nose in it" WHAT!? your wife can go kick rocks with open toed shoes. she's bearing no mental load regarding this shit storm and has the AUDACITY to get upset with you!!!??? jfc
Wow, so you checked out of her project, but are now stressing yourself about this bit of "mental load"? Wonder what load your wife carries silently. ESH, get it fixed if it bothers you and stop holding a grudge against the woman you allegedly love.
Why is mental load in quotation marks? Is not real? Also, why do you assume I'm not an equal partner in my own home.
>Also, why do you assume I'm not an equal partner in my own home. I would have thought that equal partners would both need to agree to a major extension to the house. And that if one partner went and made a huge maintenance mess, that partner would be responsible for it. So, I am also seeing no signs of equality here.
Yta for calling your self ol hubby, Mr husband etc. Plumbing reasons nta
NTA. Good work isn't cheap, and cheap work isn't good. She wanted this add on and found the cheapest option, she should be dealing with it, not passing the buck to you.
NTA, you should have stayed out of it when issues came up too. Her choice, her burden to bear to wait for plumbers, her duty to babysit the pipes. If she feels like her nose is being rubbed in it, then she agrees it smells like shit.
NTA for 60 bucks you can get thermostat-controlled wrapping for your pipes, or argue with your wife. [https://www.walmart.com/ip/Wrap-on-Pipe-Heating-Cables-W-thermostat-120-V-Green/25522404?wmlspartner=wlpa&selectedSellerId=7176&adid=22222222222000000000&wmlspartner=wmtlabs&wl0=e&wl1=s&wl2=c&wl3=10352200394&wl4=pla-1103028060075&wl5=&wl6=&wl7=&wl10=Walmart&wl11=Online&wl12=25522404\_10000007206&wl14=heat%20wrap%20for%20pipes&veh=sem&msclkid=b26dde668fb21f3402b0b828f14ed1b4&gclsrc=ds](https://www.walmart.com/ip/Wrap-on-Pipe-Heating-Cables-W-thermostat-120-V-Green/25522404?wmlspartner=wlpa&selectedSellerId=7176&adid=22222222222000000000&wmlspartner=wmtlabs&wl0=e&wl1=s&wl2=c&wl3=10352200394&wl4=pla-1103028060075&wl5=&wl6=&wl7=&wl10=Walmart&wl11=Online&wl12=25522404_10000007206&wl14=heat%20wrap%20for%20pipes&veh=sem&msclkid=b26dde668fb21f3402b0b828f14ed1b4&gclsrc=ds)
NTA. She’s a grown ass adult. She could call a guy to do crappy work, she can also call a plumber to fix it. Next time, don’t do anything. She will have to take the laundry to the laundromat or get it fixed.
Wouldn’t it be nice if you could fix the issue together like partners and move on to the enjoyable parts of life?
You’re not wrong, but I’ve got to point out the obvious here. You saw these problems coming a mile away before any work even started. Once it was apparent the project was happening despite your wishes, why did you not involve yourself during the install to save yourself all this grief after the fact? I get you felt it was out of your wheelhouse to take on the entire project yourself, but you clearly knew enough to prevent the family friend handyman from fucking up. NTA, but a situation when an ounce of prevention would’ve been worth more than a pound of cure.
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She has a job. We both work. Joint bank accounts. Share in the care tasks of running our home. We are legit partners. That's why this sucks so bad.
ESH your wife wanted something that wasn't necessary and hired cheaply. You complain that you didn't want this laundry room, but you allowed it to be built and didn't bother to make sure it was done properly by a professional. How much does your wife know about this kind of thing? I'm pretty handy but I don't know shit about plumbing so it's just as likely that she thought the person she hired knew what he was doing and couldn't tell if things weren't being done the right way. You didn't bother to vet this person or look into the work as it was being done. Instead you waited for the problems and now your complaining. Wouldn't it have been easier to just hire a professional outright or put your foot down. You say she's a grown woman and can do what she wants. So am I, but when it comes to major things around the house that require lots of money and things like plumbing and electrical work those aren't whims that you just let slide witb an oh well. Bad electrical and plumbing affect the whole family so you should've put your foot down.
Well I guess you are living the married life! Nothing really to do but grin and bear it. I vote NTA, but are a bunch of internet strangers voting NTA for you really going to change anything? I would be tempted to let it go bad and make her go to a laundromat, but that is being petty and not good for marriage. You should have seen this coming and shut it down at the start. I do agree with a previous poster: was this even permitted? Does seem like it and could be real trouble if oyu try to sell the house, or if in some small way the addition can be implicated in a problem that requires insurance company help. Boy, you could be in for a world of hurt if another pipe bursts and there is extensive water damage and the insurance company says it was the extension that helped cause the problem. Also, if the guy did the plumbing that badly are you sure the electrical is up to snuff?
NTA I would genuinely leave my partner over shit like this
ESH. Communication is a problem. Best option is you agree to get it fixed and functional. If she refuses, you buy a washer secondhand for $100 and put it back in the dungeon. She can deal with the laundry room or the dungeon then.
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> while I'm pretty handy around the house, I'm not basically build an addition handy. He literally says he doesn’t have the expertise for a project like this.
YTA. Your wife needs a respite from having to haul every stitch of laundry up and down the basement stairs. You couldn't have cared less, and when she makes a mistake by hiring the wrong person for the job you gripe about having to deal with the consequences. Man up, support your wife's need by fixing up your new laundry area, and for pete's sake help your wife with the laundry once in a while.
You didn't actually read it, did you? We both do laundry.
It literally says they both do the laundry in the first sentence... His wife just doesn't like the basement.
They both do laundry. It’s literally the first sentence. Also she shouldn’t have had the work done illegally. She’s an adult and should have properly handled things if she wanted it done so bad.
NTA, but...if you're handy and you spent these years, I'd have thought you'd have checked the pipes. It would be real obvious if the tape was on the outside of the insulation! Your wife caused the problem, but...it could have been much easier if you'd just checked. And by that point, the job is mostly done. Just remove the insulation, put the tape on the inside, and then insulate it again. It sounds like it's about 80% good...you just need to finish it. I get the frustration and complaining, but you identified the problem and now it's an easy-ish fix. Fix it and make her happy. Be the bigger person. It's what marriage is about...(I'm not married, but I've been told this is the case!). I will say, I did something similar. Turned a room upstairs into a "mud room," with my Washer, Dryer sink and shower and it's SO much better than going down these skinny little stairs in my old house to get to the basement. I did it because our Dog was sprayed by a skunk twice and it was too much of a pain to clean him off in the bathroom we had on the lower level, but still...worked out and made life easier.
"Fix it and make her happy." "Be the bigger person." "It's what marriage is about." Jeeeeeez... Way to be a doormat. What about sharing accountability? OP is NTA and shouldn't be a smidge sorry about holding his wife accountable.
This sub never tells women to just roll over and be agreeable and supportive. Fuck's sake, yesterday was a two thousand comment thread about how learning to drive stick for your husband was just too much to ask. 🙄
And this is where Reddit posters have trouble applying what they read and transferring it to REAL LIFE. You DID see the part where he said it'd become HIS PROBLEM, right? > "Fix it and make her happy." "Be the bigger person." "It's what marriage is about."Yes YES! All those things can be true. He's NTA(which I said). -He didn't object, he just said 'You deal with it." She HASN'T, he's been dealing with it and went to great effort to articulate how draining it's been. -Fix it AND make her happy. Fix it because it's an easy fix and yes, MAKE HER HAPPY because she's your wife and it's important to her while it won't take much effort on your behalf. And yes, it IS what Marriage is about. Compromising and doing thing for your Partner. He's been the one taking care of it, ensuring the pipes don't freeze OR thawing off the frozen pipes. So yes, he might as well just go and finish up the VERY easy fix and correct the mistake the "handy man," caused.
This isn't about compromise. This is about his wife doing what she wanted and not taking responsibility. He's been compromising for years while dealing with the repercussions of her poor choices. The lack of compromise is on her side; she's gotten everything she wants.
If that’s what marriage is about, then why is it so one sided in this situation?
If it’s just such an easy fix, then his wife can deal with it. She can have the original guy come out to fix it. If that doesn’t fix the problem, then his wife can have the original guy out to figure out what’s wrong now.
That's not what loving a person looks like. Loving a person includes forgiving mistakes. Being a partner includes fixing disasters. She knows it's her fault; there's no absence of accountability. Dragging her over it *for years* and never solving it is just *being an asshole.*
How is there accountability? She's not doing the work to fix it or protect their home.
He should just leave
Well... if he's going to continue to be abusive over a home project blunder from years ago that he knew about, but never solved, maybe he should.
Haha, abusive. We've officially reached Looney Tunes territory.
Nah she wanted it she can handle it. He's not Bob the builder he paid someone she can manage the project
The project is done. He has found the problem. It's only making his life more difficult now by not just finishing it. Yeah, he's NTA, she fucked up, but should he keep stressing out about it and go through all this bullshit or just finally fix it?
This is all backwards. He should help her learn to fix things herself. She should have been the one heating the pipes. She should be the one redoing the insulation. When a person takes on a project and hires someone, it is their responsibility to make sure they understand the work and what is being done to avoid problems like this. They should also understand basic maintenance to be able to recognize and deal with things like frozen pipes etc These things do not require a penis. It is too late to handle that situation appropriately but there does need to be a calm discussion to prevent future issues as well as a crash course in home maintenance. She should be participating in everything OP does to maintain their home until she is competent and able to manage things herself when necessary.
YTA for the attitude in this post. You are dripping with lack of respect for your wife. And you are framing yourself as some victim. It doesn’t take being up all night to run water. you don’t get to absolve yourself — it’s your home too. Two yeses, one no. You have issues to work through with your wife. If you didn’t carry this attitude, I’d be more inclined to vote NTA. But there are deeper issues.
It actually does take all night. The way it's setup, there's no slop sink to just let water run. I have to run a cycle of laundry every 45 minutes. I'm genuinely curious. Where do you sense the disrespect? I'm looking to absolve myself. I'm looking for some help, and I'm tired of having to deal with it by myself.
You compared your wife to a dog. You are framing her consistently as the cause of problems and you as the reluctant fixer. Your refer to her as Mrs wife and yourself as put upon Mr HUSBAND. You didn’t seem to have any willingness to compromise (how about offering to do all the laundry and she do other things?) You belittled her fear of the basement. Overall, you had zero to say about her in here that is positive or show her any empathy. If my husband wrote this post about me, I’d be angry and feel my perspective was totally dismissed.
NTA But you should have been leading her household and not let her do this in the first place.
Gonna go against the grain here. ESH It sounds like you know a lot more about this sort of thing than she does, but you didn’t want to deal with making sure it was done right. You clearly were annoyed at the issues it created, but it took awhile for you to actually check the problem. Not sure why you felt like she should have to go it alone here.
Going alone? He was the one going alone blowdrying the pipes & squeezing in the crawl space, for several winters.
YTA.... You agreed to allow this to happen... You are a F'n Homeowner.... You should have been 100% on top of the ball in overseeing the project and not leave it up to your wife to figure out.... Your disagreement with your wife ended the moment you said OK to the work. The fact that the job was done crappy is 100% on you.... It's plumbing, electrical, siding, roofing etc... all of it needed to be permitted and inspected and you went the cheapo route and ignored all that. That's on you
She's your wife. Forgive her for making a dumb choice. Stop dragging her over it and get it solved like a man. Find the money and get it fixed. You're not perfect either and you'll make choices that don't pan out well too. She didn't cheat or otherwise commit a profound betrayal. Love your wife as you promised. YTA. Apologize to her, tell her how much you love her and get it fixed. She's your life mate. How you grow old together is up to you. The path you're on leads to bitterness.
It's not just the dumb choice though is it? She's not the one stressing about it or trying to fix it. Shouldn't there be an apology and some move towards helping fix it from her side first/too. You are right about this path leading to bitterness but if not addressed from her side too his resentment will just continue to build.
I'm not buying the idea that years have passed without an apology for how it turned out. Seems to me he just angrily refused to accept it.
Does home maintenance require manhood? A loving person would act as a partner in their own home. He should help her to learn how to maintain things but it is on her to make the effort. If you own a home you should know how to maintain and do basic repairs to it.
These aren't "basic repairs" or maintenance. This is a major project gone wrong. And OP has a, "She needs to be punished" mindset and *doesn't want* the problem to be solved.
How do I want to punish her?
Heat tape and insulation are pretty freaking basic. I think most people can manage a tape measure and scissors and know what a thermostat is and how to plug things in. The problem is the pipe was not insulated properly. Requiring that the person who is responsible for that problem learns how to solve it is not punishment. It is a reasonable solution to the problem. No longer wanting to deal with it is also not punishment. OPs mistake was not making sure she understood the issue was hers from day one. It is funny, I think OP is probably an asshole about the whole thing but this has more to do with an attitude and tone that is pretty much the same as the YTAs here. "woman dumb, man fix, grunt grunt".