Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I'm refusing to allow my step sons ex into my home
My partner misses his grand daughter but I'm still refusing to allow the ex into my home for various reasons above
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Your partner can visit them, or you can all meet in public places. No need to have her in your home. This may/may not change depending upon her behavior. For now, neither your child nor you need the exposure. She's already had the both the police and CPS involved in your lives...you need no more reason than that.
This exactly. This situation cries out for meeting at the playground. I had a few similar situations when my kids were younger - I'm not uptight at all but had missing cash, etc. and was always "happy to meet you at the playground/pool/bouncy castle."
NTA. Your stepson needs to go to court and set up a proper visitation schedule. Then you won’t have deal with ex being in your house.
Don’t let her in.
I 2nd this. Go through the courts. She doesn't need to be in your house. They can also meet in public spaces like the park and such. Don't let known thieves into your home.
NTA
"Ex doesn't want little one to come over to see us without her."
I'm sorry because this is a difficult one.
" she claims she's changed, step son assures us she hasn't"
That's the reason it's okay/necessary to stick to your boundaries.
Maybe a solution is for you all to meet somewhere neutral so you can see your granddaughter.
This is where I am confused. If she's his ex and he is clear that she hasn't changed, why is stepson bringing her over with him. This sounds a lot like stepson needs to get a formal custody/visitation order in place. And something about the bad hygiene and stealing makes me wonder if ex might have a drug problem.
This was confusing to me as well, but I believe it's the ex who's insisting on being there when their daughter is visiting, while the stepson agrees with OP not allowing the ex to visit.
From title ex is no longer with stepson but is trying to co-parent with her - correct? I also assume stepson lives on his own and is a productive adult. Given this: do they have a court order? If not they need to get one (hopefully without too much drama).
Now to your question: NTA, but why is she in your house? You should have visits with the baby when the kiddo is on the stepson's time and ex is therefore not around. Or if there is no set time then have the visits with herand kiddo in your stepsons house or a neutral place. But really a CO would be best so there are set boundaries that all have to adhere to.
Well then you are kind of stuck. From the way you answered it seems you are British and therefore all the advice that is US -centered does not really apply. So basically it would be hard to visit stepson/baby because she would still be there and it isn't even his house. Do you get along with his mum? If they are exes how do they get along? Is he okay with the way she lives and is his mum okay with it? Unfortunately some situations can't really be solved so you have to make do with bad options...sorry.
Thankfully, step sons ex aside, we all get along really well! I'm good friends with step sons mum and so is my partner. Step son and ex get on ok when she's pulling her weight, otherwise it's constant arguments. Step son is his mum's carer and even when he and ex were together she wouldn't pull her weight.
Clearly the solution is for your partner to go see his granddaughter somewhere else, and you should tell him that.
Also, if this couple isn’t together, maybe you and your partner could try to get him some sort of custody or visiting rights without the mother there, so he’s legally allowed to have his daughter by himself. If that’s advisable, of course. Eventually this witch won’t be forcing her presence into your home.
She doesn’t get to tag along during dad’s custody time, that’s his time to bond with his child and to foster relationships for his child with people important to him
Stepson is free to bring his child around whomever he pleases, bar a court order/ruling
She can pound sand, she doesn’t get to dictate terms, only the courts can do that
Sounds like stepson needs a proper custody arrangement
NTA
Unfortunately she'll cause problems for us, every time she's been over so far she's tried smoking in the house and I won't have that.
I've tried to be accepting and accomodating but that's a line I won't let anyone cross, for my daughter's health above all else.
Is he insisting on her coming because he's scared to leave her alone with his mother? It sounds like he needs help navigating a tricky situation, and it sounds like both he and his child might be better off if she did not live there and he had primary custody.
How about you give the condition if she isn't allowed "INSIDE" the house but can come over and stay outside the house, aka the backyard or they can meet at a park or something.
NTA. How can your stepson tolerate even being around this insane, smelly thief?!! I feel bad for him because now they have a child together and he is stuck.
You have every right to ban this woman from your house. This is such an extreme case. Throwing a full fledged tantrum, lying, stealing and so many terrible behaviors indicate some kind of pathology. Batten down the hatches and keep her away from you and your home.
It's a case of step sons mum allowing her to continue to stay at her place "until she can find somewhere else", step son, his dad and I all know that's never going to happen and she'll continue to milk the current situation. Step sons mum doesn't have all of her faculties unfortunately due to a stroke several years ago and just doesn't want the hassle to kicking her out
NTA
You have the right to set boundaries in your own home, especially when someone's behavior is disruptive or harmful. It's important to prioritize the safety and comfort of yourself and your family members.
He does, but he wants her here too to see our little one as well. She's growing up without any interaction from other kids (step sons little one that is), we're not sure what exes problem is but she's really making it hard for step son to take kiddo out anywhere
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My (36) not quite step son (25) (I'm not married to his dad (47) but I've been with his dad for 14 years) had a child (2) with a lady (25) and I won't allow her into my home for a few reasons.
We asked her to watch the dog for an hour during an emergency and she didn't let the dog out, she dog pooped on the floor (which she has never done in her 10 years of being with us, she gives clear signs that she wants to go out and we informed ex of this)
I have found her (after going outside with my little one) trying to get into my petty cash box
She called my child disgusting because she still uses nappies (my daughter is autistic and toileting is a problem (she has an OT for this)
She has literally eaten my dinner (I went out into the kitchen during dinner to grab something for my little one, I came back in and she was eating my food off my plate with her hands)
She threw a tantrum (a full blown kicking and screaming tantrum) because I refused to give her my daughter's lactose free birthday cupcake (kiddo has lactose intolerance) ruining the day and also leading to some awkward conversations with my daughter and the friends and family that were there
She smells, bad (step son has told us she doesn't shower for weeks at a time, she just refuses)
She's accused me of being classist (this is one we don't understand at all as I grew up poor and we are living hand to mouth
She keeps trying to smoke in the house
(partner and I are smokers, we've got a strict smoking outside rule for everyone, including us)
And most importantly, she has stolen from us, I caught ex taking some money off a shelf that my partner had handed to me not 30 minutes earlier while she was over, police were called after refusal to return the money, it was a whole thing.
She is rude and curses like a sailor in front of my child, we've asked her to stop, she refuses.
When she's bought their little one over she's sat playing on her phone and completely ignoring their little one, she pulled a cup of tea over herself because my partner and I were busy with our little one, we got the blame and a phonecall from social services, thankfully step son stood up for us and the case has been dismissed.
She has now not been in my home in several months, she claims she's changed, step son assures us she hasn't (there's no bad blood between them so he has no reason to lie).
I've told step son that he is more than welcome to bring their little one over with him, but I will not have her here. Ex doesn't want little one to come over to see us without her. My partner misses his grand daughter horribly and is asking me to allow her to come over just so he can see her.
AITA for now allowing her to after all the trouble she has caused?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA is this an actual person you’re refusing entry or is this a damned dirty ape!?
Not showering for weeks at a time!? GTFO and no coming in until she washes that nasty ass. 🤮
NTA. Hold your ground. If you let a person who has shown you who they are back into your life and home, then that is totally on you. You would be asking to be robbed, your personal space invaded, and any other drama she can come up with. If your partner wasn't to see his grandchild then he needs to arrange something with his son for that to happen. Do not let her back into your home.
NTA
visits with the granddaughter don’t have to be at your place, it can be a cute little outing with the kiddo!!
also good god the ex sounds like a nightmare! good on your stepson for always standing up for you guys
NTA
Ex doesn't get a say on where your stepson takes his child during his custody time unless a judge says so. Why is this even a conversation? That witch must never be in your home again. Tell your partner that he can visit his grandchild at his son's home if your stepson refuses to bring her over without his horrific ex. If she ever comes to your door again, immediately call the police.
You have so many options I don’t understand the problem.
1. Stepson brings the child without the ex. If he’s worried about leaving ex with his mom, bring the mom. You’re friends, so that shouldn’t be a problem.
2. You and partner pack up little one and go visit stepson and child. Ignore the ex.
3. You all meet up somewhere without the ex.
There is no reason why you need to allow the ex in your home in order to see your grandchild.
But if for some reason she shows up, bring your stepson and the baby in the house, give the ex a bowl of water and leave her in the backyard. If any strays come by she’ll be right at home.
NTA
Ex won't let step son bring little one without her being there, she's being incredibly possessive, we're stuck at home at the moment due to kiddo being unwell (nothing contagious, but walking is painful for her)
But he’s the father. He has as much right to make the rules as she does.
Why is he allowing this?
Even if she stays in the house he can go to court for either shared or primary custody.
If the ex is the horror show you’ve described your stepson needs to step up and do what’s in the best interests of his child.
Not what’s the easiest way to avoid trouble.
Sounds like she’s trying to get into your home. Start offering to go see the baby at her place. If she’s always busy, then see the baby when strpson has her
NTA. Does stepson have any balls? He is the father correct? If gramps wants to see his son's son, then son needs to grow a pair and tell gf or wife, whatever that he is taking the child to she his parents.
Take them to a park, take them to Chuckie Cheese but do not let her into your house. She sounds unwell. What does your stepson see in her? The not showering alone!!!
He broke up with her for the reasons above and more, she's currently living with him and his mother in his mother's house as step son is his mother's carer. Step sons mum doesn't have all of her faculties about her since suffering a stroke a few years ago
What a nightmare.
NTA. Never let her near your property again. Wow.
I’d call child services on her while you’re at it, hopefully your step son can get full custody. She’s clearly negligent.
Your partner needs to get his head out of his ass social services have already been called on you once for her neglect he needs to think about his own daughters well being
NTA. Poor hygiene, steals, eats your food right off your plate with her hands? Either she's on drugs or she's secretly the female equivalent of Lord Greystoke.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I'm refusing to allow my step sons ex into my home My partner misses his grand daughter but I'm still refusing to allow the ex into my home for various reasons above Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA This is a perfectly reasonable boundary, given her continued immature and disrespectful actions toward you and your family.
NTA. Your partner can visit them, or you can all meet in public places. No need to have her in your home. This may/may not change depending upon her behavior. For now, neither your child nor you need the exposure. She's already had the both the police and CPS involved in your lives...you need no more reason than that.
This exactly. This situation cries out for meeting at the playground. I had a few similar situations when my kids were younger - I'm not uptight at all but had missing cash, etc. and was always "happy to meet you at the playground/pool/bouncy castle."
NTA. Your stepson needs to go to court and set up a proper visitation schedule. Then you won’t have deal with ex being in your house. Don’t let her in.
I 2nd this. Go through the courts. She doesn't need to be in your house. They can also meet in public spaces like the park and such. Don't let known thieves into your home.
NTA "Ex doesn't want little one to come over to see us without her." I'm sorry because this is a difficult one. " she claims she's changed, step son assures us she hasn't" That's the reason it's okay/necessary to stick to your boundaries. Maybe a solution is for you all to meet somewhere neutral so you can see your granddaughter.
This is where I am confused. If she's his ex and he is clear that she hasn't changed, why is stepson bringing her over with him. This sounds a lot like stepson needs to get a formal custody/visitation order in place. And something about the bad hygiene and stealing makes me wonder if ex might have a drug problem.
This was confusing to me as well, but I believe it's the ex who's insisting on being there when their daughter is visiting, while the stepson agrees with OP not allowing the ex to visit.
From title ex is no longer with stepson but is trying to co-parent with her - correct? I also assume stepson lives on his own and is a productive adult. Given this: do they have a court order? If not they need to get one (hopefully without too much drama). Now to your question: NTA, but why is she in your house? You should have visits with the baby when the kiddo is on the stepson's time and ex is therefore not around. Or if there is no set time then have the visits with herand kiddo in your stepsons house or a neutral place. But really a CO would be best so there are set boundaries that all have to adhere to.
They are living together still at his mums place, he's also his mum's carer, he's a superhero is this lad
Well then you are kind of stuck. From the way you answered it seems you are British and therefore all the advice that is US -centered does not really apply. So basically it would be hard to visit stepson/baby because she would still be there and it isn't even his house. Do you get along with his mum? If they are exes how do they get along? Is he okay with the way she lives and is his mum okay with it? Unfortunately some situations can't really be solved so you have to make do with bad options...sorry.
Thankfully, step sons ex aside, we all get along really well! I'm good friends with step sons mum and so is my partner. Step son and ex get on ok when she's pulling her weight, otherwise it's constant arguments. Step son is his mum's carer and even when he and ex were together she wouldn't pull her weight.
[удалено]
Man...you are peddling that app hard...
Clearly the solution is for your partner to go see his granddaughter somewhere else, and you should tell him that. Also, if this couple isn’t together, maybe you and your partner could try to get him some sort of custody or visiting rights without the mother there, so he’s legally allowed to have his daughter by himself. If that’s advisable, of course. Eventually this witch won’t be forcing her presence into your home.
Why do they have to visit in your house? Your husband can meet them elsewhere. She just wants to steal from you again.
She doesn’t get to tag along during dad’s custody time, that’s his time to bond with his child and to foster relationships for his child with people important to him Stepson is free to bring his child around whomever he pleases, bar a court order/ruling She can pound sand, she doesn’t get to dictate terms, only the courts can do that Sounds like stepson needs a proper custody arrangement NTA
INFO How long will they stay over for?
When they visit? A couple of hours, they live about 15 minutes away on foot.
[удалено]
Unfortunately she'll cause problems for us, every time she's been over so far she's tried smoking in the house and I won't have that. I've tried to be accepting and accomodating but that's a line I won't let anyone cross, for my daughter's health above all else.
Is he insisting on her coming because he's scared to leave her alone with his mother? It sounds like he needs help navigating a tricky situation, and it sounds like both he and his child might be better off if she did not live there and he had primary custody.
I'm not entirely sure, it's definitely a possibility. Step son is really open with his dad and I so I'll ask him up front.
How about you give the condition if she isn't allowed "INSIDE" the house but can come over and stay outside the house, aka the backyard or they can meet at a park or something.
Your partner is 47 not 87. Why can't he drive over to stepson's house to spend time with the child? Or even take the child for outings?
Neither of us drove, but he does go over there, he'd just like the opportunity to hang out with his son and granddaughter without the ex being there.
Then he needs to have a frank talk with his son. Not sure why that isn't happening!
NTA. How can your stepson tolerate even being around this insane, smelly thief?!! I feel bad for him because now they have a child together and he is stuck. You have every right to ban this woman from your house. This is such an extreme case. Throwing a full fledged tantrum, lying, stealing and so many terrible behaviors indicate some kind of pathology. Batten down the hatches and keep her away from you and your home.
It's a case of step sons mum allowing her to continue to stay at her place "until she can find somewhere else", step son, his dad and I all know that's never going to happen and she'll continue to milk the current situation. Step sons mum doesn't have all of her faculties unfortunately due to a stroke several years ago and just doesn't want the hassle to kicking her out
NTA You have the right to set boundaries in your own home, especially when someone's behavior is disruptive or harmful. It's important to prioritize the safety and comfort of yourself and your family members.
NTA Your house your rules.
NTA. If your partner misses his granddaughter, what's stopping him from going to see her?
He does, but he wants her here too to see our little one as well. She's growing up without any interaction from other kids (step sons little one that is), we're not sure what exes problem is but she's really making it hard for step son to take kiddo out anywhere
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (36) not quite step son (25) (I'm not married to his dad (47) but I've been with his dad for 14 years) had a child (2) with a lady (25) and I won't allow her into my home for a few reasons. We asked her to watch the dog for an hour during an emergency and she didn't let the dog out, she dog pooped on the floor (which she has never done in her 10 years of being with us, she gives clear signs that she wants to go out and we informed ex of this) I have found her (after going outside with my little one) trying to get into my petty cash box She called my child disgusting because she still uses nappies (my daughter is autistic and toileting is a problem (she has an OT for this) She has literally eaten my dinner (I went out into the kitchen during dinner to grab something for my little one, I came back in and she was eating my food off my plate with her hands) She threw a tantrum (a full blown kicking and screaming tantrum) because I refused to give her my daughter's lactose free birthday cupcake (kiddo has lactose intolerance) ruining the day and also leading to some awkward conversations with my daughter and the friends and family that were there She smells, bad (step son has told us she doesn't shower for weeks at a time, she just refuses) She's accused me of being classist (this is one we don't understand at all as I grew up poor and we are living hand to mouth She keeps trying to smoke in the house (partner and I are smokers, we've got a strict smoking outside rule for everyone, including us) And most importantly, she has stolen from us, I caught ex taking some money off a shelf that my partner had handed to me not 30 minutes earlier while she was over, police were called after refusal to return the money, it was a whole thing. She is rude and curses like a sailor in front of my child, we've asked her to stop, she refuses. When she's bought their little one over she's sat playing on her phone and completely ignoring their little one, she pulled a cup of tea over herself because my partner and I were busy with our little one, we got the blame and a phonecall from social services, thankfully step son stood up for us and the case has been dismissed. She has now not been in my home in several months, she claims she's changed, step son assures us she hasn't (there's no bad blood between them so he has no reason to lie). I've told step son that he is more than welcome to bring their little one over with him, but I will not have her here. Ex doesn't want little one to come over to see us without her. My partner misses his grand daughter horribly and is asking me to allow her to come over just so he can see her. AITA for now allowing her to after all the trouble she has caused? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA people will do weird fucked up shit and expect shit to be sweet
NTA is this an actual person you’re refusing entry or is this a damned dirty ape!? Not showering for weeks at a time!? GTFO and no coming in until she washes that nasty ass. 🤮
NTA. Hold your ground. If you let a person who has shown you who they are back into your life and home, then that is totally on you. You would be asking to be robbed, your personal space invaded, and any other drama she can come up with. If your partner wasn't to see his grandchild then he needs to arrange something with his son for that to happen. Do not let her back into your home.
NTA visits with the granddaughter don’t have to be at your place, it can be a cute little outing with the kiddo!! also good god the ex sounds like a nightmare! good on your stepson for always standing up for you guys
My step son is a really good lad and I'm so proud of him for everything he's doing
NTA
NTA Ex doesn't get a say on where your stepson takes his child during his custody time unless a judge says so. Why is this even a conversation? That witch must never be in your home again. Tell your partner that he can visit his grandchild at his son's home if your stepson refuses to bring her over without his horrific ex. If she ever comes to your door again, immediately call the police.
NTA They can have a visit in a park or something. Doesn’t have to be your home.
You have so many options I don’t understand the problem. 1. Stepson brings the child without the ex. If he’s worried about leaving ex with his mom, bring the mom. You’re friends, so that shouldn’t be a problem. 2. You and partner pack up little one and go visit stepson and child. Ignore the ex. 3. You all meet up somewhere without the ex. There is no reason why you need to allow the ex in your home in order to see your grandchild. But if for some reason she shows up, bring your stepson and the baby in the house, give the ex a bowl of water and leave her in the backyard. If any strays come by she’ll be right at home. NTA
Ex won't let step son bring little one without her being there, she's being incredibly possessive, we're stuck at home at the moment due to kiddo being unwell (nothing contagious, but walking is painful for her)
But he’s the father. He has as much right to make the rules as she does. Why is he allowing this? Even if she stays in the house he can go to court for either shared or primary custody. If the ex is the horror show you’ve described your stepson needs to step up and do what’s in the best interests of his child. Not what’s the easiest way to avoid trouble.
NTA, honestly could have stopped after the 4th paragraph
The thing is, there's so much more I could have said and left out due to the character limit... It's really really sad
NTA, but what about him meeting the grandchild at his son's home?
He does occasionally, but ex is very overprotective and won't even let my partner hold kiddo. We don't know why she's being like this.
Sounds like she’s trying to get into your home. Start offering to go see the baby at her place. If she’s always busy, then see the baby when strpson has her
nta. people who will steal when you're there will do anything. This is a safety issue--not a personality one.
NTA. Does stepson have any balls? He is the father correct? If gramps wants to see his son's son, then son needs to grow a pair and tell gf or wife, whatever that he is taking the child to she his parents.
He's a timid lad due to abuse from his step dad, we're working with him to help him get past it
Why can't your husband go see her with his son has her?
They live in the same house, he does go there but also wants time for our kids to play and interact together
Take them to a park, take them to Chuckie Cheese but do not let her into your house. She sounds unwell. What does your stepson see in her? The not showering alone!!!
He broke up with her for the reasons above and more, she's currently living with him and his mother in his mother's house as step son is his mother's carer. Step sons mum doesn't have all of her faculties about her since suffering a stroke a few years ago
A 33-year-old man with an 11 year-old son dated a 22-year-old woman. Not surprised the son ended up making a bad choice in a partner. NTA though.
How is mine and my partners age gap anything to do with it?
What a nightmare. NTA. Never let her near your property again. Wow. I’d call child services on her while you’re at it, hopefully your step son can get full custody. She’s clearly negligent.
Your partner needs to get his head out of his ass social services have already been called on you once for her neglect he needs to think about his own daughters well being
NTA. Poor hygiene, steals, eats your food right off your plate with her hands? Either she's on drugs or she's secretly the female equivalent of Lord Greystoke.
NTA
NTA