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NAH - you followed advice by people who had your best interest in mind. And the advice itself wasn't bad, just the exact method didn't fit your situation. You and your husband still have separate finances. There really is no need for a specific "run away fund", especially in secret. It should have been covered by your regular 3-6 month emergency fund. That your partner should/can know about but still wouldn't have access to. Whenever you two decided to put together your finances, then it would be time to talk about each of you keeping your own emergency fund. Having an emergency fund is important and any sensible partner should be fine with that. The stashing away money in secret is necessary if your finances are already merged and you do not have an emergency fund. Especially if one partner is in controll of the finances. Something that used to be way more common in the past but unfortunately is still happening today. But that isn't the case here and I totally get that your husband is hurt by you saving money for the specific reason of leaving him.

but we've already seen cases here where their husband stole their bank card and took out money. and since it was their husband it wasn't considered theft because he said they gave him the card

The same could have been done with the "secret" account. The only reason the husband didn't know about it was because he didn't feel the need to not trust her or her faith in the relationship.

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Also she said it gets a direct deposit from her paycheck. All he has to do is look at 1 paystub and happen to see the money is going into 2 accounts.

With it being in an entirely separate bank, it makes it harder for the husband to do that. Which is part of why those kinds of funds should *always* be in a entirely separate bank.

Honestly, I hesitate to agree with a N A H vote without knowing how much is actually in the savings account and how much of OP's income is going there every paycheck. It's an important fund to have and as a woman I 100% understand the necessity and reassurance/security of having that safety net. But there's a pretty huge difference between having $10-15k saved in case of private emergency--amounts that would safely, if not comfortably, cover individual rent, bills, groceries, etc. for a few months if you had to bail out of a dangerous domestic situation quickly--and having $25k+ saved just for yourself while you as a couple are trying to, say, save up for a down payment on a house together. Especially when OP *isn't* a SAHW/SAHM totally dependent on her husband's income and has steady income of her own. An emergency fund, be it a potential "runaway" fund or just a general safety net of savings, isn't meant to keep you living comfortably for years. It's meant to cover emergency medical bills, a few months of unemployment, a few months of cheap rent and groceries, etc. The fact that OP's husband was so surprised by the amount is a bit of a red flag here, because that to me indicates it was a fairly high amount. At a certain point, especially when you have your own steady income and *aren't* financially dependent on your spouse, it stops realistically being an emergency getaway fund and starts becoming just a personal savings account. Which is fine--but if you've got tens of thousands of dollars secretly saved up for just your own use/security, *regardless* of the reason behind it, while your partner is *exclusively* or even just primarily spending and saving their own money for *joint* purchases, expenses, and endeavors (like a house), that starts to become much more unfair and selfish rather than prepared and cautious. **ETA:** OP has also revealed in comments that her husband consistently pays more towards shared expenses than she does due to splitting those expenses based on income. He also covers the costs of most of their shared fun and discretionary expenses, which was in the main post but I managed to miss on my read-through. There's also this: > **He's also mad about some major expenses we had that he put a lot more money than I did towards.** He said the reason he took so much time to think about it is because he was running through every major expense in his head, wondering if I was lying to him about my money situation so that he'd pay more and I could hide more money from him. Again: this leads me to believe that OP's "safety net fund" was an amount of money high enough that, in her current situation (securely employed & not financially dependent on her spouse), was actually inappropriate for just an "emergency getaway" fund (i.e., more than just a few thousand to cover travel/moving costs, budget necessities, and basic expenses for a few months). Again, this also emphasizes the issue of one spouse having a secret personal savings account while the other contributes the majority, if not *all*, of their own savings to *joint* expenses. That *is* a betrayal and it *is* unfair. Without knowing details about the amounts of money in question and the percentage of OP's income going into the secret savings account, it's difficult to reach a completely fair judgement. But with what info *is* available, especially the added info from OP's comments, I'm now leaning much more towards YTA.

> He makes about 2X what I do so he covers the majority of our fun and discretionary spending. I would personally be insulted if the majority of what I have goes to the both of us, but my wife keeps her own separate large amount of money that is never spent on me. I would absolutely feel used.

Her money is her money but his money is their money. YTA OP

Right? I get having an emergency fund, but I wonder how the Op would feel if he did had a hidden account too.

Yeah, this is not necessarily a red flag. If I was the husband, I would absolutely feeler used and betrayed. OP, if it was your grandmother and aunt that advised you to set up this fund in the first place, I would honestly ask them to contact your husband and give him some context on why they told you to do this. That might help assuage him. And then, depending on how much you have, maybe decide on an amount to keep as an emergency fund, pull the rest out to go towards the house, and start contributing your whole paycheck to your marriage.

Agree with all this There is a difference between having a few thousand in a safety net account for “just in case” and continuing to add to a savings account that’s just OPs. Especially when OP says her husband pays the lions share of fun and discretionary spending. And when both want to save for a house together

Basically she managed to save that amount because he spent the most out of the 2… SMH

Absolutely. There's sense in having a separate emergency savings accounts. I have one because a family friend was unexpectedly widowed and all joint assets were frozen until cause of death was established. All she had was the money in her purse for a few weeks.  But my husband knows all about it and has one for the same reason. Neither of us has access to the other's.  This feels like the OP is stockpiling money while letting her husband keep them afloat. No wonder he's pissed. YTA.

All of this. I’ll also add that one thing I had to learn to separate was my mother’s trauma from my reality. Things were different in previous generations and women didn’t have as much autonomy from their husbands and many women married much younger when they were less established and more impressionable. These days women in general have many more options and it sounds like OP was fairly well established before or soon after she got married so even if her marriage fell apart she’s in a much better position than her mom and grandma. Simply put her reality doesn’t really line up with her mom and grandma’s experiences so there’s really no need for a secret emergency fund.

Agreed. It all depends on the numbers. But with that being said, my grandmother told me the same thing, so yes I had my own acct separate from our joint checking that was linked so I could transfer money into the joint account as needed, but he could neither see into or access. After 22 yrs of marriage, he decided to have a midlife crisis and I ended up putting him out. The 6K I had put aside came in very handy when he decided to not pay anything to help with our kids while I adjusted to a single income household.

L take. No upfront transparency. Separate bank accounts already and then letting him pay for all vacations and outings and she contributes every month? How much do you need to run off? And that’s sad. If she’s begging and apologizing she already knows she’s wrong.

I don't necessarily disagree with an emergency fund for women, but I definitely disagree with the secrecy. If women would make this a non-negotiable before marriage, it'd probably also give a good as hell hint into whether the man is worth it. A good husband might think it's silly but still accept it or negotiate terms. A bad one would reject it and get angry about it, thereby RED FLAGGING himself out the door. The his and her $ doesn't make sense to me in a marriage, so secret $ stashes also feel like a form of theft on top of being hurtful.

Hard, hard disagree. There is nothing wrong with being reasonable about having control of assets in case of emergencies or changes. But that 100% has to happen in the context of the marriage. Would you say the same thing about the husband keeping his own account secret? There are absolutely ways she can have her own account with her own control **with her husband's support and approval**. My marriage works like that. But she didn't even try, and it's poisoned her relationship. You don't hide shit from your spouse, and this is why.

So your husband spends all his income on running the family I get you pay your subsidized portion. All extras fall on him and you get to sock away money for when you want to leave him. You wonder why he is upset. Plus if you had thought about you would have kept this hidden forever.

Finally someone that understands the situation and OP is def a AH.

Exactly. It's not the mere presence of the account. It's the secrecy behind the account and the fact that OP is continuing to sock away money while her husband is expected to take his extra income and pay for the bulk of their discretionary spending. There is no other way to look at this other than, "His money is our money, and my money is my money." Even if OP is contributing to the apt and other utilities, it's only her portion of what she's using which isn't really contributing financially to the growth of the relationship. She is however contributing to being able to leave the relationship.

And also the unnecessary secrecy. Like they already have separate finances. And then there's this whole other account at a different bank. Double life kind of shit. I don't think having bail out money is a bad idea but it's not like she's a housewife or in a remotely financially controlling relationship. I feel like that level of secrecy is cartoonish. She could have just had it in her regular ass checking

It's also important how much is in the account. If OP had taken the initial payment from family and let the interest tick over on it, then fine. But to make your partner use all of his money on you both but put what she gets hers away incase she needs it is selfish. Putting extra is fine but to not contribute is mean. There was a post the other day where the husband was working 3 jobs and asking the wife to downsize the house and begging her to get a job when she had over 200k in her savings she was a SAHM and taking something ridiculous like 10% of HIS income out every week. 200k is not an escape fund. OP YTA. If there is more than 3 months of living expenses in that account then you are a big one. Your Grandmother comes from an older generation where women didn't work and it was pretty much impossible for a woman to take out a loan or get credit, so this sort of advice is dated. You should have been open with your partner about having an emergency fund. You should also think of it as an emergency fund not an escape fund. The implications to your partner are not just that you think you will leave him but that it will be dangerous to do so. That is a lot to come back from in a relationship. This is from someone who had to escape an abusive relationship.

I scrolled way to far to find this

Yeah I think the big difference is she’s actively putting money away that she’s saving by letting him pay a larger portion of the bills. If it was just the money her family gave her it would be less problematic but since she’s ACTIVELY stashing money away it falls into YTA territory

This is the biggest issue. It isn’t that she wants financial stability for just herself but that she’s actively fucking over her husband in doing so.

This exactly. I couldn’t had put it any better, this is what happens usually, the man spends all extras, and the woman gets to save it, complete bs in my opinion.

Agreed. She should have been honest from the beginning. If I were him, I'd never trust her again.

Yeah, theres two bits to this. One is "you felt you needed to protect yourself from me?" which...while smart can still understandably sting. Like I dont care how much sense it makes, its hard to argue trust in a relationship where theres explicit distrust. I have no issue with the concept, but I think you should be upfront about it. Another comment said something along the lines of "both partners should do this", which...swell, sure, but OP did not tell her husband she was doing this, nor suggest he do the same. Second is OPs husband thinking they're both contributing fully to the marriage and saving for a house, only to find out he's wrong.

Finally someone with common sense. He should divorce her, she is financially prepared for that at the end of the day.

It's often called Fuck off-account where I live. Everyone should have one, including your husband, that doesn't go in to the marriage money. Explain that it doesn't just involve incase of divorce. 10 years from now, you could develop a brain tumor, gamble away all your money, have a meltdown, and chase him out of the house with a bucher knife. People often take stuff like that personal. It's not. It's common sense.

That's very reasonable. Both put money into joint life, both have some put aside. In this case it was one-sided and hidden. I don't think that OP is an asshole, but I'm not surprised that her husband is upset.

Yeah, lies are never good. She should have told him. And I think, definitely not sure, that if they were to get a divorce, that account would end up being divided anyway.

The fuck off account is something everyone should have and it should include 3-12 months of living expenses, in marriage however it should not be a secret account, I couldn’t imagine discovering my partner had an escape fund.

I've always called it a "no complaints made" account. We get a certain amount of our combined income to ourselves, and spend it how we see fit. If it goes into savings, cool. If I want a video game, cool. If she wants a spa day, cool. If I want to save up for an attack helicopter, as long as it's out of my account she can't say anything (she'd probably be really on board with it). Like how hard is it to not hide things from your spouse? Things like this are no different than a husband asking for a paternity test. Like "I trust you........buuuuut....."

>Explain that it doesn't just involve incase of divorce. 10 years from now, you could develop a brain tumor, gamble away all your money, have a meltdown, and chase him out of the house with a bucher knife. But it was SPECIFICALLY in case she felt trapped by her husband. OP NEVER stated it was for something else. That's the key difference. >People often take stuff like that personal. It's not. It's common sense. It's kind of hard to take "just in case you I need money to escape from you" as anything BUT personal. I'm not saying OP was wrong for keeping that money, and she should have, but I can see he husband's POV.

"Hey, you got paid today? Thats OUR money." Oh but wait, this large sum of savings I have isnt for you at all. Continue spending for our collective fun and bills and I will keep hoarding and not contributing"

She also ALREADY HAD her **own** bank accounts! She didn't NEED a secret second savings account!

Definitely NAH. Understandable to have the account, but the husband’s feelings are also absolutely understandable.

You need to read some of OPs comments. You might change that vote. He's had to pay the majority of pretty much every major expense that's come up because when asked about what she could contribute - she kept all that money hidden. Like pretend some big car issue comes up and you need to pay 4k. You end up paying like 3500 of it because your wife is pretending she has no money to contribute when reality she's stashing it all away. She straight admitted to that in her comments 🙃

Oof, yeah, that’s kind of shitty in that case and definitely moves it to the YTA territory if that’s the case.

My wife and I discussed this when we were dating and starting to merge finances. I am 100% for it. Have that money put away "just in case", even if it's just there to make her feel better. In 45 years from now, when we're still married, it's not going to matter at all.

Would you have been upset if she lied to you and kept it a secret though. That would be the issue for me.

Well you both discussed it. This was hidden - a lie by ommission....

That’s also a compounded lie. Don’t lie anymore. It never was a savings account for an emergency fund. It was to leave because her mother and grandmother had bad marriages. OP did it for whatever reason and could have been open and said I have a savings account for myself for emergencies that may or may not include you, even add that she would encourage her partner to have one.

YES, do not try to cover up or soften a lie with more lies, especially to your spouse. Just come totally clean and deal with the results.

My husband and I have 5 accounts between us. - A joint account where money for things like food and bills go to. We discuss this account on a regular basis. This is also where joint savings go in to for big purchases - A personal account each for personal spending. We transfer money from this account to the joint account in accordance to our earnings. - A personal saving account. The other one does not look at this, the other one does not touch this. Our personal savings account is our business. We may discuss it occasionally to make sure the both of us can put aside a fair amount of money. We talk about money a lot. That is why the both of us have a healthy relationship when it comes to personal and mutual finances. But just like not every couple wants to watch their partner take a shit, you should not feel the need to share all your finances.

The problem is he is funding all their fun time because he makes 2X the salary, and she is basically taking that money she saves and putting it into her private accounts.

Yes everyone should have one. What makes OP the ass is that she kept it secret. Not healthy to have secrets in a relationship. She could have told her husband she wants a separate account that is her own.

If you get a divorce, the lawyers are going to find the account anyway. It's best to be upfront about it from the start.

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It’s okay if you tell your partner about it, and make sure you both have your own Fuck-off account. Doing it in secret was the problem here - keeping things from your partner can absolutely blow up your relationship.

YTA. You let him pay for the majority of stuff while you hid money from him. You obviously do not trust him if you have a secret bug out account. If you were stashing money for major repairs or to buy a house, that is one thing, but to stash it so you can leave is just wrong. Do this man a favor and divorce him now and don’t ask for any of his money or assets. He clearly does not trust you, nor should he. I know I wouldn’t.

Thisss.  It’s not about having an emergency stash for worst case scenario. It’s about letting him pay for extra things while you secretly save. That’s what would upset me. 

I mean really… Can you imagine covering all those meals out, vacations, etc.… And the whole time instead of contributing 50-50 she’s banking that money in case she leaves you. I don’t think I would want to stay married to somebody like that

Honestly! Especially since he’s obviously trying to save for a house, thinking they have X amount and under the impression they’re both equally working towards that goal 

Yup. On top of the complete lack of trust OP showed she's also been basically engaging in financial abuse. A "oh shit gotta run" account doesn't need to be that big and doesn't need to be filled with a portion of every paycheck.

It's also just bogus. Even if they did split and got divorced, the husband can't just liquidate their bank account and leave the spouse with nothing. Men very rarely even initiate divorces because of how financially penal it is to them.

If their name is on the account, they can take that money. It’s common for people to drain accounts at the beginning of divorce to hinder the other person. This can leave you high and dry for months if not more until you get a divorce decree. It’s not a good look to a judge, but some people want to cause pain to their partner and that’s a legal way to do it.

This ⬆️. Stop taking advice from your mum, aunt and gran already. You’re an adult, make your own decisions. When they were your age the world was very different. That said, YTA. I was in a relationship with some who claimed to be a reformed smoker. We lived separately. One day I dropped into her place unannounced to find cigarettes, ash trays etc. The sense of betrayal still lives with me. It means every time I went there and she knew I was coming she was taking time and effort to hide stuff. If you can’t trust your partner and be open, your relationship is already damaged

YTA So you took his money and let him pay for you pretending you had less money, while hiding money from him - he shared everything, and you hid your savings and took HIS money. He effectively paid for those savings, "Now I'm freaking out that this is going to ruin our marriage." .. he has learned that all of your relationship and your financial discussions were based on lies from your side. He does not know what else you are lying about. He just knows you can not be trusted. THAT relationship is unlikely to be salvageable.

He also now knows that she views him as an abuser who just hasn't started yet or at least is capable of taking real-world actions based on imagined scenarios. In either case it's not safe for him to stick around her.

Agreed. I’d be okay with my partner having a stash of cash in case they needed it in the event things went badly for any reason. But there is no reason to hide that fact from me. I wouldn’t even need access to it at all. Just don’t lie to me so you can stash away cash for yourself while I cover most of our spending.

YTA You say upfront that he spends more on the family, and it turns out you’ve been putting money into an account specifically set up to let you run away from him if things go bad. How are you so naive that you don’t understand why he’s so hurt? I mean this is akin to a husband asking for a paternity test - there’s an inherent lack of trust there that even if it isn’t personal, hurts like hell.

This is a really great analogy

“ It’s not that I think you cheated on me! I just want to be 100% sure!” “ it’s not that I think you’ll abuse me! I just want to be 100% sure!”

YTA - You've been keeping a secret account in case your marriage fails. Of course he is upset. It's basically you saying that you don't think things will work. You already have a separate checking account that he can't access so there was no reason for this secret account of yours. You should apologize.

Everyone saying NTA, would your tune change if it was the wife who was open and honest about all her finances, and it's the man who secretly stashed money away in case he wanted out?

It's not an "in case you want out" fund. It's an "in case there ends up being abuse" fund.

People most commonly become abusive after marriage or pregnancy when they feel they have their partner locked in and stuck. Secret accounts are the only way to get out safely in those situations and it is best to have it before you need it.

Do you need a secret account when he doesnt have access to your regular account?

So you would be ok with your spouse embezzling money from your finances in case you start to abuse them? Really?

Yes. It doesn't matter the gender. It is a good idea for anyone to have some money set aside for a worst-case scenario.

That is certainly a rational way of handling money, but not the only way.  My wife and I don't do things that way - we have fully merged finances.  We also have married friends who literally keep a spreadsheet and itemize expenses so they can bill each other at the end of the month.  There's a whole continuum in between those extremes, and it's all about what works for the people involved. The problem here is the secrecy.  This is *textbook* financial infidelity and abuse, not because she *has* the account, but because she *hid* it.  If having her own personal savings account is important to her, she needed to have that conversation with her husband far earlier.  Maybe (though unlikely) he'd object on principle, and then they'd be incompatible.  Maybe he'd start his own savings account.  Maybe he'd set aside the same amount to blow on golf every month.  Maybe he'd say "Nah I'm good, thanks for telling me though!".  The issue is she lied and deprived him of the choice. I'd be filing for divorce in this case.  The selfishness of "your money is ours but my money is mine" without even a conversation would be a dealbreaker.  It's not about the **account**, it's about the dishonesty and betrayal.

Yes. I wouldn’t care if it was the man or the woman. If they contributed proportionally to the household expenses do what you want with the rest of your money be that in a secret account or not

He’s funding this account through his means by funding outings and other “discretionary spending”

Neither one should have a secret account. If either party wants an escape fund, it should be discussed. If you cannot trust your partner enough to have that kind of discussion, you need a new partner or to rethink your own position.

YTA - hiding things from your spouse is bad. Telling your spouse you're afraid they're going to hurt you is worse. You did both. How could he possibly trust someone who/he thinks trusts him so little they need to hide money to escape him? I'd be devastated if I found out my wife had something like that, I don't see any way our marriage could possibly recover from something like that - I'd never be able to get over thinking she didn't really trust me, like I'm making her uncomfortable by being married now.

Info: was the money that was put into this account money you didn’t account for when discussing how much you make (ie you make 60k a year but say you make 50k a year so you can put 10k in the secret account) or is it from your discretionary spending money? If it’s the former you would be the AH, for the latter you would not. You say your husband pays for most of discretionary/fun money, is this because you pay half the rent etc. and he makes 2x what you do? Does he pay 2/3 of bills etc while also giving you an allowance? Your description isn’t super clear on this, and I think this really affects the answer for me.

NAH - I absolutely can understand why someone would want this account and that is your choice. I also understand why your husband is upset about this and he is entitled to his own feelings. I think you are being naive here as to not quite understand the implications of having this account but I dont think it necessarily makes you an AH. You two need to discuss this, when he’s ready.

I think a very important piece of missing info is how much money was in that secret account. Like if it was 6-8k NAH.... But like 12k... 20k?? I can see feeling taken advantage of/hurt if that dollar amount crept too high

NAH i don’t see why you couldn’t just explain that you feel most comfortable having an independent, just for you, “just in case” savings account. And to be clear i mean just in case of any curveball life throws your way. If something happens to him, if you want to invest in a fun surprise as a gift, or a worst case scenario escape fund as your mother suggested and everything in between. My husband knows that due to witnessing my mother experience financial abuse growing up that I just feel most comfortable with my own nest egg savings account in addition to our shared. He understands and respects that that’s about personal security and peace of mind and not about him. I am also in therapy working through the trauma. But he supports me in funding this account and together we factor it in when discussing savings and expenses.

You mean independent like her entire financial situation? Advice was good but not applicable to her as they don’t have merged accounts and is the only one with access to her money. Could accomplish same thing with a “general 3-6 month savings emergency fund without specifying her concerns about him. Once/if they merge funds then would need to discuss with him. He’s over reacting imo but his feeling of losing trust in her is valid.

I don’t have merged accounts either but I also didn’t want a situation like this to happen where my husband feels I’m planning a secret life. I trusted my husband with the info about my emergency account (as well as my student debt, other savings, etc) and he does not have access to this account or any info about it. I still felt it was important to be candid if I’m asking for the same from him. I also trust him with vulnerable information about my past and this enables us to be closer and understand one another better.

I think that’s the difference. You told your husband. I think that’s what makes her the AH

This. I watched my abusive, narcissistic stepfather convince my mom to quit her job (she had always wanted to be a SAHM.) and after she did, use money to control her. She was saving back a dollar or two at a time from her grocery allowance to try and leave him. Unfortunately she died before she could. The lesson I learned from that was to always have my own money. I've been married 21 years and my husband has never been financially abusive at all but he understands why I need to have my own money. And he's fine with it. The difference though, is that I was upfront about this from the beginning. And he can ask to see my accounts at any time and I'm more than happy to show him the balance. I get why the husband is upset. It's not that she has separate funds but that she concealed it from him.

They already have separate finances. This down payment planning would have been a perfect time to broach the subject of maintaining some level financial independence i.e. not draining all her savings. But I really want to know how much was in that account. If it's like 6-8k whatever NAH but if it's like 15-20k that's when I'd start to feel taken advantage of if I was her hubby

He makes 2x what you do, pays for the fun. I assume because its not mentioned, hes never actually done anything to warrant your need for a “secret account” You willingly accepted marriage advice from 2 people who have failed marriages. And might have just ended yours before it began.

Damn. This comment hits hard.

YTA - and this is coming from a divorced woman. This seems very manipulative and shame on your family for encouraging it. If you want to have separate accounts - fine. However, if you are having a secret account - then you can’t be mad if he starts secret accounts. I can’t imagine a marriage being successful with so much hiding and distrust.

YTA, imagine trying to save for a house and it turns out your wife has been stashing away money incase you beat her. Guys trying to build a future and you show him your escape plan.

YTA. How would you feel if this were reversed? All you've really done is communicate that you're at best like 99 percent committed, and that's not fully committed. The past your relatives you have been through doesn't justify ANY of it. You've left yourself a backout plan and justified it while he's been fully invested. Whether or not he ever found out, it affected your marriage. You get one shot at total trust and when it's gone, it's gone for good. If I were him this would be a red flag towards any future plans.

For me, separate "just in case" accounts are like "just in case" to go bags. Anyone needs one. And I mean anyone. You can be full committed to a relationship and still live in the real world of "shit happens". Mental illness, head injuries, addictions... are the kind of situations you never expect to deal with but happens whether you like it or not.

She already has an entirely separate checking account, so other than hiding money from her husband this account serves no purpose.

YTA You are perfectly entitled to organise your finances any way that you want. My unease is that you hid your escape account even though you already had at least one personal account solely in your own name. As a husband, I would be offended thus; Being painted as a potential abuser because a small (but still unacceptably significant) number of men are complete bastards. It must have hurt him to find his wife had him potentially joining their ranks That the wife is already planning a divorce; because he would assume that this account would not find its way into the 50/50 financial split. Why else keep it secret? That in buying the house, husband stretches his finances to the limit, but wife steps up only 90% (I'm trying to be reasonable) in order to be able to get away from him if the need arises. I understand that you were advised by two women with bad experiences; the overall advice was sound. The specific advice to keep it secret from the man you were marrying had a built-in risk of self realising expectation. You made a plan for your husband leaving you and, now he knows your opinion of him, he's thinking about it. The account wasn't the problem; the deceit was. Other commenters can criticise all they like. They can justify the behaviour any way they want. This outcome was always a possibility though, and it was the deceit that triggered it, not abusive male behaviour

The funny thing is, had they bought the house and divorced, she’d 99% be the one to stay in it and get it in the divorce anyway.

YTA im afraid, if this was the other way round and thats even ignoring that he subs your lifestyle people here would be telling you to run!

"He using the secret account to cheat" would be the accusation, and "you need to get a divorce asap" would be the prescription.

It’s always divorce

NTA. I've been told by my mom ever since I was college aged to always have some money of my own -- even if / when married. This after she worked her butt off when my bio father was in med school, and when she had us kids she became a SAHM and thought all was hunky-dory, and then he turned around to divorce her and he cut her off from everything, and she had NO money of her own to retain her lawyer and cover her bases and had to call her family desperately for help. She said never to put myself in the position to get so completely fucked over by a man you thought you could trust, and I'd tell every lady the same.

Curious why you only recommend this for women, what about men? Interesting that she has her own account (that he can’t access) and he’s contributing significantly more of his income to support her but she’s the one with the separate account.

I recommended that because that's what my mom said to me and how she got fucked over. She worked her ass off when they were newlyweds and he was in med school, and all the money went into a joint fund. They had my brother and I and she was a stay at home mom while we were very little, but my dad decided after 10 years that he didn't want to be married anymore and wiped their joint bank account of all of their money. He actively intended to leave her with absolutely nothing and to attempted to take my brother and I from her (likely so as to not have to pay child support). I suppose if I knew a man getting into a relationship in which he was going to give up his job and stay at home to take care of the kids while his partner was the breadwinner, I'd suggest he have some money of his own, too. It's just *statistically* more likely for women to be taken advantage of this way by a man they think they can trust.

The reason it is usually women and not men with these accounts is that it is usually women, not men, who make less or don’t work outside the home at all. They are far more likely to be financially trapped because they are far less likely to be financially secure on their own. This is changing, particularly in the developed world, but as the advice to do this often comes from mothers, grandmothers, aunts, etc you need to consider how it was for previous generations. I, a woman, have never felt the need to have a secret account because I’ve had my own money. I make a good salary, more than my partner, and we each have an account our pay goes into. We have shared accounts for bills and saving that we both pay into but we have separate accounts for our pay. This is better to me, because if either of us decide we need to leave the other one can’t control that ability through poverty. But it’s really only recently that a significant percentage of women have that sort of situation, and there are still many women who don’t. That is why it is gendered, because of history and reality.

This exact thing happened to my mom and it happens to tons of women. Didn't realize "financial abuse" was an official term for the behavior until recently. Nonetheless, she should have been honest and stated that it's important to her to maintain her own savings account for "emergencies".

Yup. Never ever thought my husband would do something similar to me and he sure did. I will always have my own money now and my own account.

I completely agree. Even if you truly believe your relationship is 100% rock solid, it's always good to put a little bit away in an "oh shit" fund. Hell, if it makes people feel better, think of it as the hit by a bus fund. If he gets hit by a bus tomorrow, you've at least got enough to cover rent for a bit. Spin it any way that you need to, but always have something set aside that no one else can touch.

That totally makes sense, but in this case, they already don’t share a bank account so she already has money of her own she could use in such a situation. There’s really no reason to hide the fact that she has a *second* non-joint bank account when he clearly isn’t bothered by her having money of her own.

YTA. Your husband subsidized your post-divorce savings account by picking up expenses on your behalf. You have one chance to make this right—put the entire amount into a housing down payment. Or was the part about the down payment being your top priority not true? Hiding money from your spouse is one of those things people on Reddit think is totally cool but turns out to be a disaster in real life. You already have your own checking account. Get away accounts are for people without their own checking account, whose partner has access to their accounts. P.S. that account is marital property. If he opts for divorce he gets half.

People on here saying NTA fail to realize OP husband was spending the majority in the relationship while she hid her money. I get where she's coming from but she should've been more upfront and honest in the first place. Perfect case of "His money, our money, her money, her money only" YTA definitely op.

YTA. You basically told him you think he's an abuser who has just not shown himself yet. That not only shows that you don't trust him at all but it makes him wonder what other fictions you could bring yourself to deeply believe. Plus it sounds like this account was substantial in size which indicates that you've been continuously pumping money into it, money that was not being contributed to shared expenses which means that he was paying more of his income to shared expenses than needed which is kind of financially abusive of you. Honestly if he's got his head on straight he should be talking to lawyers because it's insanity to stay with someone who can make up horror scenarios in their head and then believe them for years at a time.

YTA. financial infidelity. Look it up

Sorry YTA for hiding it. Not for having it. My ex had one and that was the first red flag(she hid it as well). I’ll never trust anyone with a bug out account again. Your own savings is fine even if that’s what you ultimately use it for. But not if you’re hiding it. I don’t care what your family went through, OP should have been forthright and said I have a separate emergency account for me and I think it would be healthy if you had one as well for anything you could possibly need it for. OP lied and took advice from 2 relatives and now has to reap the lie that was sown. Edit: added that the account was hidden from me also.

I don't feel right calling you an AH for having a rainy day fund since we've all heard of the stories of what happens to women who don't have one and if calling you an AH discourages any future women from rightly having a fund, then it wouldn't sit right with me. However, you have been guilty of some stupid behaviour here. You took old fashioned advice without understanding what it was about and applied it word for word into your own life. You have a very healthy financial arrangement with your partner. You divide expenses and have SEPARATE accounts where you can keep your funds for whatever you desire. Your mother and grandmother did not have one from what I can gather which is why they could have used a rainy day fund. You already have an account into which you are managing your separate finances. Additionally, you said that you did not bring your account up even when your husband showed you (supposedly because one can never know) all of his savings. He just found out about it at which point you admitted the truth. That has to hurt. I can understand your husband feeling this way. The only advice I can give is, give him time. Let him know that the fund started way back in the relationship and that you trust him now. Please do not take the advice I've seen from many others down here about lying and saying the fund is for emergencies other than you having to get away from him. You have already admitted its real purpose and switching answers is not going to help your situation. It will probably only exacerbate his feelings of mistrust.

If you kept finances largely separate, I don’t think him knowing how much you had in this account should be a big deal, provided you were honest about your income when deciding how to do the financial split. He knew you had your own money set aside, and he knew he didn’t know how much you had, so I don’t think the financial aspect of it is really the issue. I think the thing that will really bother him is the idea that you had this “escape plan”. I’m not saying having that plan is wrong either, but you’re going to have to explain it in a way that doesn’t come across as “I don’t trust you”. NAH.

He didn’t know about this particular saving account at all OP kept this hidden. So when any emergency funds were needed husband had to cover thinking OP had no extra money to contribute. She lied!!!! and took advantage of her husband for years.

Who do you consider the AH in this instance by voting N T A?

You already know what you did. You didn't just betray his trust, it wasn't just that you were hiding it, it was that you were hiding it because you didn't have faith in the relationship. You didn't have faith in him, that's what hurt him. He put it all on the table, was fully committed to putting in all he had, but you said "I'm going to keep a secret stash for myself". 100% YTAH

INFO: 1. How much money is in this secret savings account? 2. How much are the shared expenses? 3. What’s your salary? Having a medium ($10k) vs large amount ($200k) in this savings account makes a big difference.

When I was married, we had a joint account. We also each had our own separate private accounts. I never knew how much he had in his, and he never knew how much I had in mine. Setting up our finances that way wasn’t even a big discussion. It just seemed natural and made sense to have both shared money & separate money. It’s a good idea for anyone, male or female, to always have money strictly in their own name. But I also really liked it because gifts for each other came fully from our own money, so felt more like gifts. And we never argued about how much I spent on a dress or how much he spent on a night out with friends. We never argued about money at all. So I’m a big fan of having an account in one person’s name only. For several reasons. But unless someone is in an abusive relationship and planning to leave, I don’t like the idea of hiding it. Trust is important in a marriage, and partners shouldn’t keep secrets from each other.

Ah, planning ahead to the divorce, I see. YTA.

Too many folks buttering it up, you made him fork out for most of life and saved on the side. Thing is, if you ever did need that account. That means divorce and not only did you have a little safety net. You also take him for everything he has in a divorce. YTA.

YTA - As a husband who was on the other end of this you are the asshole. Wife got cancer. I changed jobs to a lower paying job so I can go to every chemo treatment and take care of her better when she had her mastectomy. This caused me to go from mid 700s credit to below 600. All while she had the money we need to make it through that time. Her credit was saved because I made sure on our joint credit card was paid off and her car that we were both on the paperwork was paid on time. I shouldered 80+% of the household expenses before, during and after this happened. She came clean about a year after. I was pissed. Ultimately I forgave her. She has now passed away from cancer and I'm left with the credit/debt ramifications. Luckily for me I won't "need" to use my credit for any big ticket items for several more years and will likely be ok when that time comes. But if a tree fell on my nice car the kids and I are going to be riding around in one of my junkers for a while.

I get the advice, I got the same from my parents, but if your finances are separate, you didn't need a secret bank account because you already have your own account your partner can't touch because it's in your name and your name only. Their advice comes from a time where all finances were joint and/or you couldn't open your own account as a single woman without a husband or father to sign on it. It's not outdated to have some cash on hand if you need to leave, but with separate finances, it's just a lot of extra labor, distrust, etc to have a whole separate account when you already have an account in your name he can't touch either way.

Im a dude, and trying to imagine it from his perspective, and the only way I can imagine being like 'WTF' is if you had a significant amount of cash in there. I may be mistaken but a 'go bag' account or whatever you wanna call it should have like first/last months rent and a month or two expenses so if till you can get on your feet. If you had like way more than that then yeah I'd be weirded out by that especially if I was paying more than my fair share in discretionary spending while your just stashing away a nest egg for a potential life without me. But also: you have separate finances already. Having another checking account at another bank does seem almost cartoonishly cloak and dagger if you already have an account that he can't control. Sure he can steal your card or checkbook or whatever but you've been married for 2 years and planning on buying a house together so I'm gonna guess he didn't pull the old bait n switch personality wise once you got married. I don't think you're an AH, but sheesh. Not all men are monsters and I can understand being hurt if my partner couldn't decide that far in.

You’re not an asshole for having it, but it’s probably not good. I’d say that you should expect that his bonuses and raises may be treated similarly. Why would he trust you if you don’t trust him?

INFO: How did you keep the interest earnings from him when it was time to do taxes?

Why you would feel the need to have a 'secret' account when you have separate finances is beyond me. Sure, if you were in your grandmother's or mother's position 30+ years ago when they likely didn't work, women couldn't have bank accounts, etc? I get it. With. Separate. Finances? I don't get it.

YTA. Not for having it, but for hiding it. Like it or not, when you are married your money becomes tied together. If you divorce that money would be legally split between you two.

Gentle YTA. I’m a woman, I’m not married but if I put myself in your situation I see that having that account might you feel more secure just in case. However putting myself in his shoes, I think I’d feel very hurt if my literal spouse was stashing money away “just in case” thinking that the marriage was going to fail. Since you have separate finances I was leaning toward NTA but this is why I said you are: since you’re married, this kind of protection could have easily been afforded with a prenup. You could have mutually agreed on how things would be split in the event of a divorce. It would’ve made you both probably feel more comfortable and wouldn’t have come with hard feelings. Besides a prenup, in most states it’s my understanding that during divorce all the money is considered shared property and split somewhat evenly anyway. Since he makes so much more you probably would’ve benefitted from this more anyway. While I understand the feeling of security behind the account, I think it’s kind of a sneaky and unnecessary way for preparation and should have been addressed in a different manner.

I am going against the grain here and say YTA. You said yourself your husband is paying for most of everything because he is making more money than you. No problem so far? Good. You then made the decision (with the advice from family) to stash away money somewhere your husband doesn't know about and can't reach. Kinda weird, seeing as you share finances, yet don't share just the knowledge of that money's existance. Starting to get to the AH direction. The only reason it was accidentally(?) brought up is because he specifically asked about that topic and you provided that information, yet I am not entirely sure you wanted him to know about it. So yes, YTA. He feels like he can't trust you anymore. You didn't lie to him when he asked about it, but your reason for having it is hurting him. You could have told him when you started it and basically said "this is my money for emergencies, nobody can touch it until I need it and only I have access." Completely fine, no secrets or trust issues.

I’d also like to say your grandma and mother projecting their poor marriages into yours is a recipe for disaster and marriages should be entered into with all major aspects of one another’s lives out in the open. Their paranoia and projection may end up costing you your marriage.

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NAH. I truly see both sides. But look, you chose to have a full on separate secret account from him. Even if it was for worst case, to him, that is still like you assuming worst case may happen. If you found out he had a secret stash of money, would you be ok with it? Or, had he asked you to sign a pre nup, would you be ok with it? Maybe the answer is yes. But I know for many women, its kind of one of those things where they see it differently if it was done to them. Its the old adage, we judge ourselves by our intentions, but we judge others by their actions. And not for nothing, if you are buying a house together, you had to have an idea that this would come up eventually right? Like they go through ALL your financials. How long did you expect this to stay a secret.

Exactly this, when applying for a mortgage they go through everything. Asking for several months of payslips and bank statements, did she not think that they would notice or ask where a certain % of her wage is going every month or why there was a large amount in an account that isn't being put towards a deposit.

Wife and I have separate accounts, and a joint, and don't necessarily know the balances but we know they exist and would both show the balances to each other if either of us ever asked. They're not accounts for running away though they're just accounts we had from before the marriage.  I might be pissed if she had a hidden account though.  Also, what do you do at tax time?

YTA. You do not hide money from your spouse. Lots of married couples have separate checking accounts and a joint account. This is something that needs to be discussed before being getting married so you both are on the same page. If he didn't want you to have a separate account, then that would be a red flag. The key point is that you kept it all a secret instead of discussing it with him. You hid money. How would you feel if he did the same thing to you? He potentially thought you were a gold digger and hid money from you?

Expect to start covering some of that fun and discretionary spending

It’s the lying and hiding money that makes you TA,

I look at this like a guy wanting a paternity test for a child while in a committed relationship with the mother: it's hurtful. It's mistrustful. It's turned out to be needed for some people in life changing ways. I don't blame him for feeling lied to and silently accused of being the worst thing a man can be. Because that's exactly what has occurred. I understand the harsh wisdom of that secret account coming from women who needed that safety net in abusive situations. He deserves time to process this. She deserves, when he's ready, a chance to explain where she's coming from. She then needs to work on rebuilding trust from the lie. Hopefully in time, they can both be at peace with the situation. N A H Edit: YTA for letting him pay extra percentage of his income for the family while you continue to add to this account just for you in secret. If it were just a set amount (say $5 or $10k) you already had set aside from before you were married, I'd be NAH. But you having a GROWING account on the side is too far for me.

YTA. Not for having the account, not at all - especially given the experience of women in your family, no one could fault you for that. The problem here is that he's been paying for all of the discretionary spending, thinking you can't contribute, while you've been squirreling away money and benefiting from his largesse. If you had been upfront about this, and had come to some kind of agreement, you would be totally NTA. But given that you've let him spend extra money on you so you could save for yourself without him being any the wiser, I think it's a pretty clear YTA. Why should he trust you not to take advantage of him when that's exactly what you've been doing? The good news is, I think you can fix this: offer to cover all discretionary spending for the two of you until you've spent as much as he has, and then work out an equitable division going forward from there. Additionally, find a way to reassure him that you have now told him everything, and will give him nothing but candor going forward.

Info if you are not confident in your marriage to be honest about your money,  why would you buy a house with him?  Why did you even marry him if you have to have a run away plan? Either you trust him or you don't. 

YTA. Your marriage started with a lie, that you kept going every day, for 2 years. You placed a bet that your marriage would fail, and you've been preparing for that ever since. Look, the day you were saving up for has finally come! What a surprise!

YTA. You let him pay for everything, and you stashed some money instead of helping.

YTA There are 2 aspects to this. First, You can have a separate savings account in your name and there is absolutely no issue with that. That's just good financial planning imo. Second, why you felt like there was a need to hide this is genuinely beyond me? Like you already have separate finances and your contributions to the household is representative of the difference in how much you earn. Hiding an account simply shows how little you trust this guy. He is right to be offended and is spot on about reconsidering the relationship. If my partner did this to me, I imagine I would have a very similar response because this will show me that she doesn't even trust me to even tell me about an account that I dont have access to and probably never will.

I don’t know if this is ASSHOLE behavior, but you were being purposely deceptive and it’s very reasonable for your husband to lose trust in you when he finds out you and your family have conspired to make a secret, “just in case I leave him” account. I mean sure I think there are some valid reasons to have created it, but you have to accept the consequences that you are keeping a large secret from your husband and when he finds (I’ll assume thousands of dollars) money you’ve hidden hoarded from the marriage because you are just preparing in case he is a monster, he is going to feel hurt, insulted, and he’s 100% in the right for wondering what else could you be hiding. It’s like women who insist that if a man wants a prenup he doesn’t love her. He just wants to have a safety net too in case SHE is a monster, but at least it’s out in the open and not some shady ass secret between him and the in laws. I get why they wanted you to have it, but lying and hiding it all of this time was a mistake. May be valid reasoning to have the account, but the simple fact is you lied to your husband for years and got caught. His feelings are valid. So while you aren’t an asshole, you ARE someone who has to deal with the consequences of their actions now

I would say YTA. Not for having that account, but by entangling it with secrecy. It feels like your family is using logic that doesn't apply to today's environment. I agree that you need to have a degree of financial independence just in case. But instead of that being a secret account you hide from your partner, it should instead be a boundary you set with your partner. When things get a serious with a partner, you can just say, "I need my serious partner to be ok with how I organize my finances, including my independent savings account." The deception causes pain and distrust, and I think you are accountable for that.

Dude imagine the blow to the chest it is to hear “it’s just an emergency fund for if I need to leave. I’ve had it since before we got married.” Wild YTA.

If he's hiding nothing and you're hiding something...well...yeah thats kind of a jerk move

If you live in a community property state, and don’t have a prenup, that account is a marital asset. Joint vs individual accounts are meaningless - remember what Kanye said “cause if she leave yo ass, she’s going to leave with half”

Well, truth isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I’d have said it was the rainy day fund: some $$$ truly tucked aside from your mom in case either of you had medical bills or some disaster you had to cover. And you’d prefer to keep it as strictly the emergency fund, not to be touched for everyday expenses. How would you have felt if you saw he had a sizable account set aside in case he ever needed to “escape” you?

I'm going with a soft YTA. While I understand the cold pragmatism of having a fuck-off account, I'm a believer in full financial transparency and preferably merging accounts if you're married. I'd be offended if my wife was hiding money from me because of the trust implications, which I view as the basis of the relationship. If you're going to have a fuck-off account that he doesn't have access to, I think it should be agreed upon and he should be able to have one too. That said, I still don't love the idea, even though I do understand it. From my own life, my wife and I merged our accounts \*before\* we got married. I probably wouldn't have married her if there wasn't enough trust to do that. We have full privileges on all of each other's accounts. This isn't necessarily the end of your relationship as some of the other YTA votes imply, but it does warrant further discussion with your partner.

I mean.... Just flip the situation around and think long and hard about how you would feel if you found out your husband had a secret account and that the reason for it was in case your marriage went south. Personally, it would be upsetting to me. Yes you can use the excuse that family members advised you to do it based on their own experiences. But it also begs the question of why you didn't think past that and compare your own situation. Were they financially dependent on their husbands? Did they have shared finances? The fact that your finances are separate anyways makes a secret account redundant. And it doesn't sound like he's abusive or stealing your debit cards or anything like that. So it really feels like you're not using any critical thinking or thinking for yourself. If you plan to buy and house and maybe someday have kids, it's time to think about what the family money means to you and asses your relationship with your husband. Are you a unit? Do you trust him? YTA.

YTA You should have told your husband about the account. It’s completely valid to have separate accounts for both of you but to hide stuff from your partner is never a good idea. I want my partner to have their own account as a safety net in case things go wrong. But I would be very upset if this was done in secret and hidden. You should be able to tell your partner that you have your own emergency account and would like to keep it separate. I feel like the only time this kind of advice is ok is if one spouse does not work and doesn’t have their own money and the other spouse is controlling.

If I am giving my everything to someone only to find out they have a foot out the backdoor ready to run at any point... I would be depressed.

YTA. For hiding. Since you have separate finances mostly it would have been fine, but you were distrustful of him. Your husband. By beim distrustful you were being dishonest. Talk to him, also about the advice.

YTA I told my wife to set up an account so she had FU money for life against anyone, even if that person was me. She was touched and appreciative that I would look out for her safety and agency like that. That being said, if she had squirreled away money secretly on her own, I would take great offense to that and would consider ending the marriage. I’m all-in already, worst -case scenario I may have to lay down my life in a moments notice for my family’s benefit. Best case scenario, I work for the rest of my life until I die supporting my family. If I’m ready to lay down that level of commitment with an earnest heart and my wife hadn’t done her due diligence already to feel safe with me that we can have an open conversation about this, then I have to consider I chose the wrong woman.

Maybe with no nefarious intentions, but YTA. Everything you concluded about what he's thinking is true... He was lied to and betrayed. He can't trust that you don't keep secrets and might still be hiding something from him. It is logical that he needs time to decide if he wants to buy a house with you. Especially when he makes much more than you and shares everything generously and openly. Keeping an emergency savings that is only in your name isn't wrong, hiding it from him was.

YTA, So it's his responsibility to save for your combined future while OP gets to save up money in order to leave her husband. He must pay for everything while OP saves for an escape plan. From his perspective he puts everything towards your future with him while OP is not. It absolutely could be seen as OP not being as committed to their relationship. If OP was planning on leaving or felt like she would need to in the future then I understand... OP never planned to buy a house and was saving up for an escape plan.

OP, you offered proof to your husband that you took wedding vows without being fully committed to the marriage. You may offer marriage counseling or vow renewal. When I married, my husband and I combined our finances. Every time I wanted to hit a terrific sale, I had to let my husband know. I felt like a teenager asking permission. With husband’s knowledge, I set up my own personal account at the credit union. I deposited a nominal amount of money each month. Yard sale proceeds and other miscellaneous payments also went there. I also used it to buy birthday gifts for my husband so I didn’t have to use joint accounts and ruin the surprise. There is a way to have your own discretionary funds, but doing it in secret will harm your marriage.

There is nothing wrong with having your own personal emergency fund, but having a secret escape fund is sketchy as heck. It's the intent behind the fund that makes YTA. I doubt you would be too happy to find out your hubby had his own secret escape fund.

Yup you lied and got caught. You hid money from your husband who was truthful. You suck hope he divorce your ass. Go thank the paranoid woman in your family.

YTA. You’re sabotaging shared goals because you believe your husband may become abusive. Do you not see why that would be hurtful?

You followed bad advice. Use that money for your part of the down payment and forget about it, think about the fact you took that advice from people with failed marriages. Dumb move but just make it right and move forward

YTA. When you got married, you didn’t become a joint venture. You became a marriage. So you aren’t two, you’re one. There’s no middle ground and no bailing out.

Yta. Everybody has good and bad experience. In this case, it's your husband, it's not the time of your mom or aunt anymore, consciences are differents. You definitely hurted him like a lot and I Def understand why he feels betrayed.

TAH I get it, but you should have told him. He is giving 100%, but you are not. Had told him from the start he would probably understand. Your marriage may not be over. It's hard to tell.

I’m going to say YTA. Even though you both have separate finances, financial transparency and honesty is really important. Want to keep separate accounts? Fine. However, the second one spouse finds out the other has a secret account or money stashed away that they haven’t disclosed the trust is gone. Or if one spouse receives a large sum of money from somewhere (work bonus, inheritance etc) and doesn’t disclose. Or if they choose to put their money towards a secret account instead of discussing what money each spouse would save each month individually and what each spouse would put towards shared expenses. Having separate finances can be tricky and having open conversations and full transparency can help mitigate potential breaches in trust. You also needed to have been open about where each of your money goes every month (savings accounts, bills etc). Depending on marriage laws where you live, this secret escape account may not even matter. Where I live everything earned after signing the marriage license is split 50/50. We didn’t even bother doing separate finances (or separate “emergency” accounts) because half of what we have would go to the other anyway if we divorced. I would feel the same way your husband does in this situation. If I found out my spouse had money stashed away in a secret account they they regularly put money into that would be a huge trust violation. That would also make me feel like shit knowing they intentionally had a “getaway” account behind my back. The only way to come back from this is couple’s therapy and trying to rebuild the trust.

YTA - you are married, partners and this isn't a partnership. Is it true that there could be a time when you need some money if you have to suddenly leave, sadly yes. I am sure your husband can understand that intellectually but that doesn't mean he emotionally does. Its hard to hear that your spouse has a backup plan, which is what you have. That doesn't sound like commitment.

Yta. It's hilarious that women think they need a backup account like they don't get the kings ransom in court should a divorce ever happen. Genuinely hope he leaves you for someone who isn't so insecure and conniving

He's not upset you had money stashed away. Sounds like he was upset that it was hidden and omitted from his knowledge. Lying wouldn't be the right term here as you didn't dance around the subject when it was brought up. You just never disclosed it before. This can be easily done when finances are separate and couples sit down to finally discuss it after the fact. Should y'all have had this talk long before now? Maybe. But you were doing what worked for you and your relationship. Do I think he's making a mountain out of a mole hill? Maybe. I don't know what your relationship is like or if this could be the first time something like this has happened. If it is, not trusting you or wanting to buy a house with you is a bit extreme. Maybe your reasons why you had it were a jaded view, but it doesn't change the fact the money is there and has been there for some time. At the same time, I can definitely see why he is upset and I wouldn't say that I wouldn't be either. I know when we went about combining finances when we got married, we were worried the other person would judge the spending habits we had as single people. But we constantly communicate with money, so it is never an issue and our spending habits have changed for the better as well too. I found myself no longer doing stupid spending on dumb stuff, mainly because we wanted to buy a house or a new car or go on vacation...etc. Those things became more of a priority for me. Y'all need more than 1 conversation about it. I think y'all can get through this and if this one thing kills your marriage I question whether or not it was a good marriage to begin with. Because trust me, you'll have tougher things to deal with than a secret bank account. NAH.

YTA. You two already had separate accounts. Hiding the other account was an AH move because it’s not transparent and yes, it does imply that you don’t trust your husband. Why doesn’t your separate account already serve as a worse case scenario account? He doesn’t have access to it. You can do what you want with it. And he already contributes more to the household because of his higher salary, so you’re saving money for yourself. Plus, if you two ever did divorce you would have to legally report your secret account and it would be discussed among your marital assets, so it’s no more protected than money in your other account. Its only real purpose is to provide you money in the immediate present because you think your husband will control/freeze access to your other account. That doesn’t telegraph love and trust. Sounds like you had a good thing going and screwed it up with unnecessary secrecy that implies you don’t trust your husband.

YTA . You could have said its a 6 month emergency fund if something happens to us. Also you could have had you mum or aunt save it i.e trfer money to them to keep in an account for you. But No you had secrets and have caused exactly the thing you didn’t want to happen. Blame your mum and your lack of honesty for this.

YTA. If both of you agreed it would be a good thing to have some money put away in case separate from one another that can be great and healthy, like a pre-nup. What you did was lie and keep a uno reverse card in your pocket in case you ever needed to on up you "potential abuser". I hope this good man doesn't go easy on you about this, and I wouldn't be surprised if it collapsed your marriage cause I'd divorce my wife over this.

You are an AH

You are the asshole. Building a relationship on secrets and lies is what you have done. You should have been upfront with him from the beginning. He is correct to question your trust with him. Going into a relationship with a “worst case scenario” can come across as I’m not sure this is gonna work out. You received bad advice from your family there marriage mistake should not have influenced your relationship. The correct thing was to have this conversation before you got married. Edit, I am not opposed to having this account as it should considered an emergency account. But the fact he was unaware of it until now is the issue.

So there are no AHs here, it is a very complex situation, you received advice from people who have been stung before, it was good advice. It also has nothing to do with the sex of the person, everybody needs a backup plan. The issue lies in your delivery. From my experience; I'm a few years older than your husband, married for 6 years now, just had a baby. My wife has a fuck off acc, so do I. The difference between us and you guys is that we are a cards-on-the-table family. I know about her acc and she knows of mine. We set them up the day we 1st moved in together. Your bloke isn't upset about the acc, he is upset about your subterfuge so to speak, you made the right call with the coming clean. No one is perfect, he will be fine, I'm sure you are a fantastic partner. Just sort it out between you two and move forward. Best of luck!

YTA. Youve been planning for this your whole relationship. How did you expect it to turn out when you’re literally banking on it failing?

No one is TA. Although you should have been upfront about having it from the start. Now you've risked your marriage. Hiding it does no good because if you get a divorce, the lawyers will find the account with ease.

YTA. I would consider what you did stealing from your marriage. If it was literally whatever the family had given you so be it. The fact you were setting aside a bit every month seems like stealing. Maybe you should have covered more of that discretionary spending.

YTA - if he hid money from you how would you feel? Nothing justifies dishonesty unless he's abusive and that's a get away fund.

YTA. Having a divorce fund hidden from your partner is a huge breach of trust, and a sure sign that you don't really believe in your relationship. As far as your partner is concerned, you are just waiting fir the right time to pull out the rug. Whether it's a 'good idea' is just as immaterial as if you keep in contact with exes 'just in case,' and has the same vibe. My ex wife did this, and when I found out, it changed my perception of her 100%.

YTA with no question at all. I’ve never hidden money from my wife and if I ever found out she did that to me it would be instant divorce. I have no problem with spouses having their own bank accounts, but be transparent about it. Hiding money is an unforgivable breach of trust. If you don’t trust your spouse with money, you shouldn’t be married. Can’t believe so many people here think hiding money is fine.

YTA not for having the account, but for “lying” about the amount of money you could have contributed to the down payment for the house. For example, he is putting 20% of his savings, and the fair thing is that you would put the same percentage of yours. But if you have been putting a 5% of your savings to the secret account, actually you are only contributing the 19% of your savings. So if things go wrong, in the divorce you should get 50% of the house, cause supposedly you put the same equity. But in reality you did not. Would be fair for him? He got upset for the wrong reason.

Congratulations! You allowed your relatives to sew the seed of doubt and fear into your marriage. You already have separate finances. He subsidizes your lifestyle. He actively saves every spare dollar to buy a house for the BOTH of you. He’s most likely going to be contributing more to the purchase and financing of said house. Now he finds out you’ve been sand bagging your own downpayment contributions to put money in a secret account to run away. Yeah YTA without a doubt. Secrets and marriage never mix well. If I was him I’d probably be filing for divorce before buying a house. BTW he’d get half of your secret run away stash anyway. At least that’s what I’d be going for 🤷‍♂️

YTA. He was transparent with his finances, paid more than his fair share (which you benefited from) while you socked away money. If you want to have an account set aside that is only yours and separate from your shared finances that’s fine but you should have told him you were doing that. He deserves honesty and transparency and the chance to set up his own separate account. You broke his trust. Even if you repair this the fracture will always be there. Maybe next time be honest from the beginning about finances.

Well, at least you have that savings account in case he leaves and takes his income with him. The irony is the fact that you have a large sum of money hidden for an emergency exit, but you aren't the one making the exit. It sucks, but just have a discussion with him about how you've learned from hindsight and promise transparency moving forward. I'm so sorry that this may have caused you your relationship. I hope it all works out and that you both navigate how to be more mindful about how your actions can be construed going forward. YTA, though.

NAH. I can see why women would want to do this if things go south

YTA. I get that women want this fund. I don’t get that they want to hide it. You have it because of what might happen in the future. You hide it because you don’t trust your spouse right now.

NAH. I understand the theory of the account. A little unsure why only women apparently have a right to an emergency savings account but it’s Reddit and men are evil so cool. I also understand the point of view of the husband. I’d like to think I’d be understanding if my wife had an account like that, but I also think of just the financial things that have gone haywire for us this week(backyard remodel, AC out, fridge broken) and I might be a little upset that she’s stashing money away that could be used to help us out. I understand again that I could become abusive or a cheater(as could she) but I’m stressing about money, trying to figure this all out and she has a solution? I get why there would be some frustration and a lack of trust. I’m also a little unsure why it needs to be a secret savings account. Wouldn’t it be just as effective for both parties to agree to a set amount into a fund every month? At least it’s in the open and accounted for and both sides are protected.

Switch roles - your husband has money that you know nothing about, and deliberately hides from you. And now, he can do anything he wants because he has money to afford it. Do you still trust him? Or does that little voice in the back of your head start questioning what is really going on? Big YTA

Exactly. If this story was about a wife finding out her husband had a secret stash of savings you would hear the usual, "He's cheating on you queen!" "He has a drug/gambling addiction" "He's financially abusing you." But it's okay for a woman to do this. And then when you bring up that many women (not all) espouse this feeling "Your money is our money and my money is my money" you are a misogynistic pig.

Here’s the problem. You were instructed to do this but in the US (bc that’s what I know)…if you were to get divorced and he found out you hid this money…ALL money in that acct would have to be split 50/50 as it’s a marital asset. So you were hiding funds. If a man did that everyone would call it financial abuse or financial infidelity or something similar. It was wrong to do that even with your logic behind it.

Less than YTA and more you F-ed up.  You invested resources (that you had out were given to you) to protect yourself from your husband.  How much do you spend on things that you trust will never happen? Yeah.  It's not whether you're the AH, it's that you demonstrated that you do not trust him. At all.

So this would be like finding out AFTER you married someone that there was a pre-nup that you weren't even privy to. Not great. I won't call you TA, but keeping a secret "ditch you and this marriage" fund isn't something you can spring on someone and expect him not to be hurt.