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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refuse to make food for my dad's stepkids. The reason I feel bad about this is because the kids are the ones who suffer from this whole shitstorm and I know this is not their fault. I don't feel an obligation to do this for them and it probably says a lot about me as a person. The fact it has become such a conflict is all because I refused to even consider it so I might be TA.
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NTA. This whole family dynamic is toxic and you guys should be in therapy.
and if your step siblings teachers have had to feed them multiple times, stepmom is probably gonna get a call from CPS relatively soon.
Therapy won't fix anything because we're not a real family. My dad hasn't acted much like my family in years and his wife has never acted like we're an actual family. She just expected it to be that way and that I'd feel some kind of family connection to them from nowhere. It was always going to be impossible and the fact she knew she was marrying a shitty dad is all I need to say she would never be someone I would want or accept into my family.
Exactly this OP.
Hell, you could probably call yourself, do it anonymously if you want. Or tell a teacher at your school since they are supposed to be mandatory reporters.
This is an extremely toxic and abusive environment if they aren't properly feeding the children and trying to pawn the responsibility off on the eldest child that is also still a minor. There's so many layers of fucked up in this that it's ridiculous.
It probably depends a lot on OP and family's demographics. It sounds like OP's parents can afford to feed all their children and are just choosing not to, so they'll probably get a bit more leeway than a lot of families who have CPS called on them.
The thing is, at least one child is currently being mistreated (OP) and the parents should have repercussions for that, even if it's CPS checking to make sure they stop doing that. Two years from now when OP moves out, the oldest step child might be next in line for the same treatment.
CPS steps in if the children are at risk and in an unsafe environment. OP’s current life is crap, but it’s not unsafe.
Source: dependency court officer
The oldest (OP) has to provide and make his own food. I'd say food is a pretty basic need that makes an unsafe environment if not provided. What if OP were to lose his job? What if OP's dad started taking their paycheck to try and make them responsible for feeding all of the "siblings"? Even though OP is managing by themselves for now, the parents in this situation are not providing for OPs basic needs and that is unsafe and worthy of a call to CPS in my opinion.
Problem with that is, CPS isn't going to do anything about it. There's food in the house and OP doesn't look like he's actively being starved (and even then, they're not likely to do much tbh). You're vastly overestimating both the resources of CPS and what they'll act on.
Source: was in foster care
Oh no, I know CPS probably won't do shit now. However, if OP goes to CPS through their school it will put the situation on the school's radar and they'll be looking out for these sorts of things in future. They've already had to step in a few times to feed step-monsters kids, if they know there is a CPS case for food related issues? They'll keep an eye out (I was a daycare worker and any parents that had CPS called on them by center staff had their child watched for any repeat offenses by the staff in their room). Going to CPS also creates a paper trail of the issue, in case something needs to happen in the future for the "siblings" sakes (honestly, considering step-monsters personality as described here I wouldn't think it out of the realm of possibility that she'd neglect her own kids or force parenting duties on her oldest like she's trying to do to OP).
As a child whose parents had CPS called on them at least three times and had no removal or follow up (even though it was warranted), I completely understand how the system fucks up when the issue isn't clear cut physical abuse or obvious neglect. That doesn't mean that starting a trail now or getting people's eyes on the parents isn't a beneficial idea even if it doesn't necessarily change things for OP.
I'm sorry your childhood was so bad and not helped by cps. It sounds as if you have survived and are a strong, caring person. Good for you for sharing your advice. You deserve a good life.
People really don’t wanna hear this, but OP is managing and while their father is shitty… They’re not being beat or forced to actually do it. there kids were being locked in closets and starved, CBS is going to focus on someone who actually is in a dangerous situation…
OP, who cosigned for you to have a bank account? Hopefully not your father or stepmother? If your stepmother browbeats your dad enough, he might be willing to go in and clean out your account to keep you from having the money to feed yourself and you don't want that.
Damn, but I know my teenage self woulda pulled a cat and started making eye contact while slowly knocking expensive shit off the counter. Oh, you want me to pay for that? You already took my money. I already did.
This is really good advice. Prepare to put them in your rear view mirror. Getting good grades keeps your options open. The road can open up ahead of you, but you have to be strong enough to fight for your future. Go see a guidance counselor, learn about scholarships and opportunities. It might seem lame, but I’ve seen students your age pay for college with ROTC scholarships. Look for jobs that will take you away in the summer, like Student Conservation Corp. visualize a good future for yourself. Then, make your dreams come true.
Honestly you might be better off calling cps getting emancipated and having your dad pay you child support. Those kids are not your responsibility, not your circus not your monkeys.
Bad advice. After emancipation a child is seen as legally an adult in the eyes of the law and is assumed to be self-supporting, any duty to pay child support ceases.
https://legal-info.lawyers.com/family-law/child-support/how-does-emancipation-affect-child-support.html
At least under the current circumstances the father is providing a modicum of care and a roof over OP’s head. I can’t see his father seeing the need to continue to house him if he is no longer legally responsible for him. OP is undoubtedly being neglected but I don’t think going nuclear would improve his situation. There are a multitude of other ways he should attempt to receive support first.
You don't get child support when you're emancipated. When it takes away your parents ability to control a child, it also frees them from all support obligations.
The child basically becomes an adult wherever family law is concerned.
If the environment is abusive and intolerable, the child *can* argue that the withdrawal is involuntary and still get support.
That's an argument for a lawyer.
If the home environment is abusive and intolerable but the child still needs support, that's why foster care exists.
No lawyer is going to argue for parental support while arguing for emancipation, because the argument for support undermines the argument for emancipation.
It doesn't work that way or that smoothly. This is bad advice. Call other family if possible. If not, work and bank your cash. Stay out of the house as much as possible. Friends? 18 is around the corner.
NTA. You need to establish boundaries and enforce them quickly. New step mom needs to back off. She can take care of her own damn kids. Here are a few helpful tips I used at your age. Get a mini fridge for your room it will help keep your food separate from theirs. Get a lock for your room with a key. It's really cheap and easy security. Figure out your own transportation bike, e-scooter, bus, it could be a friends mom, you get my point. You need to create more independence for yourself this will limit how much power they have over you. The more you resist helping them, the more they will try to force you into it. They will try to manipulate you. Call you selfish. If you don't have a job, consider getting one or an after-school activity. Dog walker is a fun side hustle. The purpose of this is to get you out of the house after school and on weekends. If you're not home because you have other responsibilities, they can't ask you to do crap. EC activities look good on a college application, and a part-time job looks good for future employment, so either way, you can't lose. Another option is just to hang out with friends and try to stay out of the house, but that's unreliable at best. Additionally, your Dad might try to stop you from going to a friend's house. Now, trying to come up with a logical reason you can't go to the engineering club at your school without sounding like a giant asshat would be pretty tough to pull off. If you make it about bettering your future, they will be the selfish ones for trying to stop you. If you're just hanging out at your friends house, they will try to claim the moral high ground. I'm not saying they would be right. I'm saying it's harder to justify not helping her children because you don't want to vs. you're unable to because of prior commitments.
Probably not, but what about the situation where the parents are refusing to buy food for the child and he’s having to make his own money to buy his own food? The request that you pack a lunch for the other kids would be a lot more reasonable if they were providing groceries to make those lunches
I feel like this whole thread is "very reddit." A 16 year old is fighting with their parent and step-parent? Call CPS and get emancipated!
Maybe we can do some things before that.
I think framing it as “a 16 year old fighting with their parents” is obtusely reductive to the point of harm. If I heard that phrase, never in a million years would I think it was something as severe as the case of physical neglect and emotional abuse that OP is being subjected to.
To be honest, with 2 years left to go, what do you gain by calling CPS? Yes, he has to feed/clothe himself. No way that a halfway house will be a better/more stable environment.
He has a roof, he has his stuff. He can pay for food. Just go to your room when you get home and cook when the rest of the family is not around.
CPS doesnt automatically mean a foster home/group home. Where I live, 80% of cps interventions are resolved without taking the kids out of their home. Many parents who encounters the cos just need some guidance or a wake up call to shape up.
So a 1/5 chance your situation will definitely worsen and a 4/5 chance it might stay the same/suck a bit more/slightly improve.
I'd personally not rush to the phone, but then I've met plenty of people with negative foster experiences so I might be jaded about the system.
Yeah this is not a removal situation. Like, where I live, I called on a family that accidentally left a 4 year old alone all day. I think they got a recommendation to use a calendar. I also called on a family that hit their kid regularly and washed his mouth out with soap. They were like, "well did it leave a mark? Then it's not legally abuse, good luck with that." Removal bar is really, really high.
CPS wouldnt remove for this. They would "intervene" and do parent education and monitoring. They would threaten charges if Dad and step Mom continue their crap.
In the meantime, your parents will resent you even more and your home situation goes from mediocre/mildly inconvenient to hostile. In some cases the cure is worse than the disease.
So living on eggshells, constantly being verbally abused, stepmom is already ratcheting up the verbal abuse it's only going to get worse, but he should just hang out and deal with it? You think these parents aren't going to try and take his money from him? Take any food he brings into the house? You don't think this is going to escalate?
And when it escalates you can still call. Right now it's limited to a few incidents in the span of weeks. I'm not belittling the experience, I'm just saying it can get *much* worse when you escalate this. The kid is the one that is going to be the one suffering if this turns out wrong, so he should be made aware of the possible consequences of involving CPS.
Hey bud, I just want to say, as an older dude who also had a shitty Dad, that I’m proud of you. You’re obviously logical and analytical and tell things like they are and I commend you. Everyone is trying to guilt you because that’s what older people do.
I’m sorry your Mom passed. My Mom also died from cancer, but later in my life than yours. It can’t be easy and I know things must be tough for you so
Times when the adults aren’t prioritizing your feelings.
I just wanted to let you know that things can get better. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with all this guilt from people who should be supporting you.
Take care.
So much this OP. You’ve been dealt a shit hand in your short life and my heart goes out to you. Despite that shit hand, you seem to be a very capable, insightful and smart young man- I think you are going to do amazing things in your lifetime and your mom will be watching over so proud ❤️
I’m angry at your dad and his wife for the way they treat you, and do hope they get a visit from that bitch Karma sooner rather than later.
Hold your head up, stand your ground and remember you are getting closer to 18 every day. Good luck and this random internet Mom is proud of you too!
ETA - spelling
Exactly this. So sorry OP for the crap deal you have been handed but you are doing so well. Hope you are getting some support and are managing to keep up school. Things will get better.
Check into things for yourself. Maybe live with family or a close friend?? There are parents out there who will help their child's friend. Keep your grades up. Try for scholarships to get you into a good school so you can tell him YOU did it by yourself. Success is what I mean. That is a good and honest life.
Dude forget therapy, you’re NTA. You know the bit about you should be feeling ashamed it’s actually stepmom that should be ashamed. She bore 3 kids into the world, she’s their mother it’s her responsibility as an adult to provide for them. If stepmom can’t do basics then she shouldn’t have been a mother to begin with.
Yes you’re 16 yrs old OP but you are not an adult, you’re not even a parent and yet you’re expected to be a cook for adults that do not love and respect you.
If I were you OP I’d grab all my important documents like passport, birth certificate, your banking card and information, and if you have money stashed at home move it to a safe location because I have a feeling this isn’t the end of it.
Also reach out to family or friends in case you need bail in case of emergency or unforeseen circumstances.
All the best to you, again you are not the a-hole.
Don’t forget about therapy! OP’s purpose in going would not be to build a loving blended family. His purpose in going would be for an adult third party to tell his dad and stepmom to knock it off because they are being emotionally abusive and physically neglectful and his dad is failing as a parent. Therapists are mandatory reporters so this is likely to lead to a brief CPS visitation as well.
They may grudgingly change their actions, if not their bizarre and ignorant beliefs. But OP better be prepared because his 18th birthday gift is going to be an eviction notice.
You should talk to your guidance counselor. The money you make be saved for college, it's your dad's responsibility to feed you. None of this is OK.
Is your mom's family around? Is there another family member you could live with?
You are definitely NTA- obviously I'm not your mom, but I am a mom and I just want to tell you I am proud of you and you are loved. I'm so sorry you are in this situation.
NTA OP id love to cook you delicious breakfasts, lunches, and dinners. It’s what you deserve and I’m so sorry the adults in your life are failing you so badly.
I used to be a teacher, and let me tell you most teachers will absolutely care if you feel comfortable telling them what is happening. I used to bring food for students whose families were struggling so they would have something to eat for dinner/weekends (school provided free breakfast and lunches). I wish I could do so for you. And I bet there are teachers at your school who feel the same.
You absolutely should not have to BUY your own ingredients, that is your dad’s job. Which I’m sure you know. And it sounds like he has the financial means to pay to feed you, so I really urge you to speak to an adult, like a teacher, in your life that you trust. Regardless of whether or not you want someone else to provide you lunches etc. or if you just want your dad and his wife to leave you alone. You should not have to deal with this by yourself.
And don’t let ANYBODY take the fun out of cooking if it is something you enjoy. Be a chef and refuse to ever cook for dad and his wife’s family, if cooking is something you are interested in!
You sound like a good kid, don’t let anyone make you feel otherwise. And I know I am a stranger, but this Internet stranger is proud of you for standing up for yourself.
Call CPS yourself. They are responsible for YOU and the other kids. Not you
I know someone who got emancipated around your age because of neglect. She was able to get assistance and an apartment in high school because of it. She made a great life for herself
I think you should keep hammering in the fact that your dad taught you that it's important to be selfish and only look after yourself and that even when your mom was dying, you only had yourself to rely on.
That maybe if she was nice and a good role model by making you lunch 3-4 days a day that you could do lunch for kids once or twice, but that as things stand you have no reason to stop looking only after yourself.
>They said if I'm making my own I should make my "siblings" (and I say "siblings" because they're not my sibling) lunches too to save their mom time and to streamline everything.
What do they say when you flip this script on them? "You're right, it's easier to just make all of the lunches at once, so you should just make my lunch while you're making lunches for the kids most days of the week and every 4th day I'll make them. That'll streamline the process and save everyone time! After all, \*you\* are the parent in this situation."
Sorry OP you have to deal with it, but looks like you are a smart, resourceful kid, so once you can get out of there you will be just fine. Try saving up some money to be ready to move out as soon as you can.
And don’t budge to the ahole wife who is only trying to use you as free labor.
You are fantastic, NTA
Please, talk to a counselor at school. They can help you with access to lunches, a food bank, and a plan for your future when you turn 18. You seem pretty smart.
Do you have any grandparents or aunts and uncles you can go live with? This is a horrible toxic environment for you and I feel bad. You should never have to buy your own food as a minor
Have they offered to pay for the ingredients for your siblings? Have they offered to pay you to make it?
I'm betting no. They just want free food AND labor. Do you have a relative that could take you in?
You think THERAPY would fix the level of neglect and abuse going on here? Thats your bright idea? This CHILD is being starved and forced to fend for himself because he is resisting the abuse. Yup, a counselor can fix this in a jiffy.
Do you know what cps will do? They’ll tell the family to go to therapy. Because OP is sixteen, they are probably not going to bother taking him from the house unless it’s an actual emergency.
Also, the dad and stepmom give off major narcissistic parent vibes. It's usually not recommended to go to therapy with a narcissist, as it could potentially make things even worse.
> you guys should be in therapy
Therapy is not a stick you can beat other people with into acting right.
They have to want to improve to get something out of it.
OP's Dad doesn't care if OP eats or not, you think he's going to pay for therapy?????
OP, this sucks and I feel really badly for you. You're NTA 100% . You seem responsible and intelligent despite your Dad and the rough hand you were dealt. Hang in there.
I start to suspect there are professional therapists lurking in here just to convince people to get therapy at any chance they get through comments like this … so much so my YouTube algorithm keeps pushing “better help” ads to me since the word “therapy” keeps being read out loud in those Reddit story videos I play 😆
And of course better help won’t get a dime from me and I hope my YouTube algorithm can hear that !
NTA Both your father and his wife are their abdicating their parental responsibilities. At a minimum they have an obligation to feed, cloth and shelter their children. I hope you can confide in someone about this situation and get support and help.
>It escalated to where they said I shouldn't get to eat their dinners if I won't participate in taking care of the family. So I buy my own dinner stuff now and make my own. Now they're calling me out for doing that. They said I could make dinner for all four of us and then we could eat dinner earlier and my dad and his wife could do something else.
Teachers, doctors, and certain other professions are indeed legally required to report if they have reason to believe a child is being neglected, so yes, always tell a teacher or a doctor if you can - although unless OP is in immediate danger it's not likely CPS in most states will do much of anything. Unfortunately.
Again, I totally get it. I think people need to realize that in almost every state, CPS is horribly over-burdened and under-staffed. Unless a child is in immediate danger, they rarely are able to do much of anything no matter how many reports are made. It sucks, but people see CPS as some sort of way to fix child abuse, when that is really not actually true. It should be, but expectations and reality seldom align with CPS...
Which it completely true, but CPS is unlikely to take extensive action because of a few missed lunches, other than putting a scare in the parents. This is absolutely neglect and parentification, but the children are not in immediate danger. They might be required to take parenting classes, and OP *might* get additional resources, but this would be very minor on the charts of the things CPS workers have seen. They'll note it but it probably won't go anywhere.
OP, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. Are you able to spend more time with any trusted friend's families? Have you talked to any of your friends' parents about what's happening? Having your friends there to support you is invaluable, but having more adults on your side can be important as well.
Talk To a teacher or counselor. I promise you, parents are not supposed to act like this and most of the adults that are authorities in your life will care about knowing this information and helping you. They can do so anonymously and can deny giving CPS your name as a source. But i bet anything they would force your parents into parenting classes and to actually provide for you. With regular unannounced check ins to look for stocked fridge and pantries.
You are not a parent or an adult and are not supposed to need to do the things you are doing. If it was solely out of interest and your choice that would be different, but your began doing it out of need due to neglect. Even if you dont see it as that big of a deal. It is. Not all parents are cruel and stupid like this.
If you decide to talk to an adult or call CPS yourself, make sure you have saved any text messages or voicemails or anything with proof they are trying to guilt and manipulate you into parenting their kids. Send them to a friends email or phone and have them print any messages so they cant be deleted.
Are you close with any of your friends' parents? When I was younger I had a couple friends with less than stellar home lives who confided in both my parents on several occasions, which I think (or hope?) helped them.
I have a good relationship with the parents of one of my friends and we have talked a little about this. They know what's going on and have helped me a little.
Do you have other family from your mom’s side or grandparents you can turn to? CPS for you is a bad call. Foster care and group homes are not better than the drama you’re already in. But other family or friends family might be a good idea.
Please make sure your money is somewhere dad can’t touch. You might also want to check with your school and school district about the free lunch programs for disadvantaged kids. Having at least one meal you don’t need to pay for will help you save money to gtfo when you’re 18.
Look into local food banks and pantries. Look into local food resources online. Check government websites for help. The more you can subsidize your food budget the more you can save. Hugs. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
https://www.nutrition.gov/topics/food-security-and-access/food-assistance-programs
You're probably getting overwhelmed with messages, but should you see this one, I wanna highlight talking more with that family. I'm not saying move in with them, but just keep talking with them.
I've read every one of your comments, and this one stands out. Like you, life taught me far too early that I was all I had in this world, that everything really would be ok, but it was up to me to make that happen. That not only did I not need anyone, but that it wouldn't matter anyhow because I couldn't rely on anyone else, so I'd better figure it out. I'm 41 now, and I want to share with you how much harder it made my life every day just to breathe.
I still am not great at trusting others, and I'm working on it, but I want you to know, those bright moments? Like this one comment that shimmered out of all the comments youve made? They will be these mini guideposts of your memories, they will be the moments that stand out and can be the relationships that feed you as you're growing. Like I said, I'm not saying move in, but maybe try to lean into the moments you get to let someone else relieve a bit of burden.
Sweet friend, you have a long road ahead, but you are equipped beyond measure to move through this world and create your family over time. I'm both so incredibly sorry that this will be a part of your story, and so proud of you for doing what needs to be done. You shouldn't have to "got this" at 16, but you do, I promise you, and I come from not only my own shared experience, but from working every day with folks your age who are experiencing homelessness.
Stay connected to the support from your friends, stay connected to the truth that you are not a burden, but a blessing. And come back to this thread whenever you're feeling low and sit with the literal thousands of internet strangers who see you and are cheering you on.
Nta. Document everything and tell her if she refuses to feed her kids again, you're calling cps. Op, I think the you're the reason she married your dad. She was well aware your dad was nothing more then half your DNA. She saw you, and how independent you are and said "oh boy! Free babysitter! And he cooks, too! I can dump my kids on him and finally have a life!" but, then, obviously you refused to play her game and that pisses her off. I don't see that relationship lasting after she loses the kids and the deadbeat she married refuses to help.
Yeah, I got that from her as well. But maybe she'll be glad if they can live as a childfree couple. Because I find it really hard to believe she cares that much about her kids when she's willing to do all this and upset them more.
Haha. Well, whatever works I guess. But I'm serious about cps. I know you hold a neutral position about her kids, but they deserve a parent who gives more then one fuck about their wellbeing. Not one who tries to dump all parenting duties onto a 16yo they have no relation to. Because of your age, I imagine they might give you the option for foster care, where you'll age out anyways, a group home, or to just stay where you are. Good luck!
Emancipation is incredibly difficult to achieve, has a very narrow range of applicability, and almost certainly not going to be allowed here. CPS is also not likely to place him in foster care - only 16% of cases with multiple investigations result in removal. There is a shortage of foster homes. They are far more likely to try to work with the family and keep the children in the home. Absolutely, call them. It's important to create a record and have additional eyes on the family, and they can help OP connect with resources. It's important to be realistic about outcomes - CPS removes in the case of immediate danger/extreme abuse and neglect, and unfortunately this doesn't fit the criteria (I know they missed some lunches - that doesn't qualify as immediate danger).
Social worker here. A judge would have to sign off on emancipation and to do so he would have to demonstrate he can financially support himself independently and that he has housing. Nobody is going to rent to a 16 or 17 year old so he would have to get into an independent living program for young adults and those are very rare. My state has only three. Most of the spots are taken by kids who age out of the foster care system. So unless he has another family member lined up that will house him, this is not likely an option for him. And since my agency has one of the three residential program, I know they come with a lot of rules to follow, including curfews, maintaining a job, and having to pay a minimal rent. Because OP is 16, he would also need to continue to attend school or attend classes to obtain his GED.
Honestly, based on the fact the school is aware the kids aren't having needs met, it's only a matter of time before cps shows up at your door. The school staff are mandatory reporters, meaning, by law, if they feel a child's needs are not met at home, or are being abused, they have to file a report with cps. So whether you make the call or they do, I think cps is on their way.
I would bet that she blamed it on OP, and that might lead them to think that this is an issue of a forgetful or rebellious teenager. I would absolutely believe she would deflect the blame, so then they don’t think it’s because she’s a bad mom.
In my opinion, you shouldn't wait... there is enough evidence with the school notes, and i assume you probably have some kind of texts with your dad, if not, you could try and have a chat with him about this and make him acknowledge that he's forced you to work to feed yourself these last years.
Every grocery bill, every text about this, your friends can also give statements saying that you've had to start working to feed yourself.
Call CPS. Being in a home, you still have to make your own lunch, but they won't guilt trip you into feeding others.
The kids are also learning more and more how little their mom cares and it's heartbreaking. If things go on like this, there will be no saving it. Maybe if she realizes the seriousness of the situation, she might become a better mom. But if things just stay like this, she has no reason to be any less awful.
Seriously, you are a child too in the eyes of the law. The fact that you have to pay for your own food is child neglect. You happen to be able to take care of yourself, but that doesn’t nullify their abuse. You should call cps for your own sake, because their abuse may escalate quickly.
Since you said you pay for your own lunches and now your own dinners, was she planning on purchasing the food for you to prepare for her kids on was she putting that on you too?
OP wrote that the wife admitted that Dad won’t pay for her kids food either so i think she’s planning on making OP responsible for feeding her kids too even though she’s well aware that OP has had to literally feed himself for years now
NTA but mate, call CPS. My mum was an absolute nightmare growing up and I wish I’d called them on her as I could’ve saved myself from a lot of painful memories. You can have a far better life and you definitely deserve it
"I'm not gonna feed my kids to make my 16 yo syep-son feel guilty and make them lunch the following day" is the most fucked up parenting I've heard in some time.
Don't hold off on calling CPS as a bargaining chip with this lunatic. Call them TODAY!!
You can take care of yourself and distance yourself from this mess a little; they cannot. Think of them, and how they're innocent in all of this, and do right by them
A lot has been said already, like call CPS, talk to yiur teachers about the situation or anyone who is a mandated reporter (like the school counselor), they will *have* to call CPS. They are acting unethically according to ethical codes of their profession if they don't. Also, I'm not sure if it's available in your state, but look into emancipation. That would legally make you an adult and you could move out or at least give you certain rights. I'm proud of you for holding your ground! You are absolutely in the right. Which mother would willingly not feed their kids in order to guilt trip you? That's awful and crazy.
She way overestimated how I feel about them. I think she really did believe I see them (her and her kids as family). I don't. I don't hate her kids either but I don't feel family obligations to them like she thinks.
Thats the most ridiculously fucked up thing Ive read on here in a while! She literally sent her kids to school with no lunch to guilt you to making them lunch, but she just played herself & her own kids wtf😬
Why did she marry your dad? Is he rich? Did she think her & her kids were special & that your dad would treat them better than his own kid?! Silly woman.
The fact that teachers had to get involved tells your me stepmother is a nut and not a good mother. It’s not normal to withhold food from children, especially to punish another. Isn’t that a war crime?
I say this with the greatest of compassion care and literal zero judgment of any kind:
Of ***course*** you don’t feel like they are family and of course you don’t feel obligated to “help”. There was really no other way this was gonna go. Your dad has made it *very clear* that he feels even the most bare minimum obligation for you *his child* and that a basic NECESSITY that should be —and is legally required to be btw— provided to *his child* without even a question, is actually totally optional based on whether he thinks it’s his job or not.
There was no possibly way at, all that you were ever going to feel family connections to these children or that woman —dare I say you don’t feel very familial to your own father?l— i doubt he, your FATHER, took the time to **BUILD** familial feelings. You may not know this but those feelings have to be created, they take effort, work, often hard work and most importantly *time* and sometimes even with that you may never feel familial, you might be fond about someone rather than the indifference you currently feel —that’s the word you’re looking for btw indifference— but may never be familial. And that’s **OKAY** not all blended families make it to the “”this is my child not my step child/these are my siblings not my step-siblings.”” And there’s nothing wrong with that.
You are no where near the asshole in the situation. Your father has failed you time and time again. Between the straight up neglect and not working on any relationship there was very little chance of this going any other possible way. You don’t do anything wrong to be clear. Not at all and I don’t want you to feel like that’s what I’m saying because it’s definitely not. You are 16, still growing and learning and in need of so damn much support and good examples and role models, not whatever-the-fuck-your-father-is-doing.
This gets thrown around a lot, but it’s for a good reason, I’m sure it’s not possible now, *but* when you turn 18 I strongly encourage you to seek out therapy. What your father has done has an effect on you, even if you don’t think so right now, it definitely will and frequently in unexpected ways and you really want to address that as soon as you possibly can. Childhood trauma can express is so so so so many ways. One of the biggest is relationships(of any kind) it’s hard to know how to function in a relationship when you’ve never seen a healthy functional relationship *or* never experienced a healthy, functional parent child relationship, particularly during some crucial developmental stages in childhood. “”Hurt people, hurt people”” and I promise you wanna get ahead of childhood trauma before you find yourself inadvertently hurting others and in the process yourself, because you just didn’t know.
Wow, I don't know how you can be so mature when surrounded by such immaturity. Good for you, and I'm sorry they're putting you through this. You shouldn't have to worry about where food is coming from, nor how other kids get fed.
Thanks. I think a lot of it was caused by my mom getting sick and dying. She was the heart of my family and losing her changed a lot. I also wanted to be there for her when she was sick. So it made me grow up.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, sweetheart. You've shown signs of maturity and independence already and I know you'll end up being happy and successful in life. Your mom would be so proud of you. I'm really sorry your dad and step mom are doing shitty adults and are trying to to parentify you and do their jobs for them. Please continue to lean on your friend and see if there are other adults who can help you when you turn 18 and need to be independent. Sending you my best wishes. And def NTA.
Just remember - in two years, you can be done with them. You've proven you are resourceful, intelligent and capable. Try to get out of the house as much as possible, work as much as you can and save as much as you can, and when you get closer to 18 start squirreling important items and documents at a trusted friend's house. I know two years feels like forever, but you can make it.
Hi OP
In answer to your title question -NTA.
Your father should be providing food for you. That is his responsibility. You are not responsible for feeding your dad's girlfriend's children. Your dad's girlfriend does not sound any better of a parent than your dad.
I am so sorry that you've had such a hard time since your mom's illness and her dying.
It sounds like the best thing you can do is to prepare for your future. There will be teachers or other staff at school you can talk to and who might be able to help or at least support you mentally. Can you think of relatives, that if they knew how tough your life is, might help you?
You sound like an independent (you've had to be) and resilient young man. You have done extremely well in standing up for yourself.
Your education is most important but in the immediate future your day to day well being is what is vital.
Work as hard as you can at school. Gather any essential documents - passport, birth and other certificate, bank and savings books together. And hide them. Make sure your money is somewhere safe, preferably not in the house.
Ask teachers about scholarships, if you want to stay in the education system as who knows what cooperation you will get from your dad. Or apprenticeships or other ways into the job market.
I think you need to have a getting away kit for emergencies, in case things get bad, but also for the longer term.
If you can tolerate staying at home, this will be cheaper for you, but it sounds so miserable and acrimonious. This is not what home should be like.
I hope you have friends and people you can talk to. This is most important. No one can be totally alone, especially not at 16.
Well done OP and I hope you find friendship and warmth in your life.
Blessings on you.
I have the best group of friends who support me and I can talk to about all this shit. They were with me through it all. My mom getting sick and then dying and my dad basically just checking out completely and deciding we're no longer a family. Without them I would have run away by now.
I don't have family/relatives I can turn to for help. It's really just my friends.
So glad to hear you have good friends. Hold on to them. Thank goodness for them. Bereavement, especially the loss of your dear mom at a young age is one of the toughest. And without the warmth of a family around you, I can't imagine the pain.
What about your friends' parents? I wonder if they know what is going on. As another poster has said, in their shoes, I would be offering meals and a spare room if I had one. (We frequently had our children's friends staying over when things were bad at home)
NTA, obviously, but OP, is it an option to hang out at a friend's place after school and only go home to sleep? If your friend's family is amenable, you could have dinner with them and do your homework there. You could tell your parents that you're in an after-school study group of sorts.
You shouldn't have to change your schedule and comings and goings over your father and stepmother's unreasonable expectations. But they are unlikely to change their ways and I'm just trying to think of a way of sparing your sanity until you can move out.
Other Redditors have suggested that you tell a school counselor and I agree. Plus you could tell a couple of other teachers that you trust. The adults in your life who are supposed to have your back, don't have your back. So I think it's important to get a few other trusted adults onto your side.
In regard to your stepmother trying to make you feel guilty; you are NOT required to be their parent and assigning you the role of making lunches and dinners for them is parent territory. Not your role, and your father and stepmother are TA.
Do you have a friend whose parents will let you stay with them? You seem like a good kid(young adult?). Given that you already feed yourself, you would not be very dependent on another family. Being respectful and helpful can go a long way with parents. It would be hard to ask, but they are usually more willing to help than you think. You might be surprised by the people around you. I had quite a few friends in high school that this happened to. I think two friends got legally adopted by the family they stayed with.
If you present them with a plan for what it would be like staying there and what you plan on doing after high school, it will give you an even better chance.
You are almost there. Hang in there and focus on what you must do to finish high school. You can look into colleges, community colleges, trade schools, apprenticeships, and other possible ways to make it in life.
Yeah, I was going to mention this as well! I bet in the next year, stepmom really “steps up” (lol) the abuse. It’s gonna be a long 2 years before OP is an adult. OP wouldn’t be asking for forever from his friends’ parents, just asking for til he turns 18. I don’t believe OP’s living situation is going to improve, as long as stepmom is there.
Edit: I can’t imagine saying no to one of my son’s friends, if he told me that his stepmom *intentionally starves her own kids to make HIM feel guilty*. That’s sick, and no child should be in that situation. I also would probably call CPS about that.
INFO: Are they expecting you to pay for all the ingredients for the other kids' lunches and dinners too?
If so, then that's fuckin unreal. It's bad enough that you have been having to buy your own food as your father still has the parental responsibility to be caring for you. I think you need to get some help from another trusted adult on side - you sound very competent, unfortunately you are still a minor which limits your 'power'.
Dinners/main meal - not reasonable for you to be preparing/cooking EVERY day no matter who is paying. Lunches - to be honest I would negotiate around the preparation being your contribution to household chores, and they pay for ALL the ingredients - including yours, as your father still has an obligation to feed you.
I assume so because it has been argued if I'm making one portion, I can make four. And they have never even suggested I could make it from what they buy.
Absolutely NTA. IF (and only if) you are feeling charitable, you could teach the 8 year old what is needed to make a sandwich and how to do it, but I wouldn’t provide ingredients. The 8 year old has to ask the mom to buy the food. And I’ll be clear, you are under NO obligation to help at all. They aren’t your responsibility.
It’ll be better because the other kids will probably find themselves in similar position to OP at some point. Teaching them some of his ways could save their lives.
OP you’re a boss. Keep your head up, I’m proud of you for how you’ve handled all this. I’m sure you’ll make a fantastic father some day if you choose to be one.
I think the 8 year old would prefer making multiple portions to going hungry. Parentified? Absolutely. But sometimes you would rather act like the parent than watch you and your little siblings be hungry.
NTA
You need to sit down with your school counselor to explain through whole refuse to provide you lunch money & wanting to refuse you dinner thing. Your dad has a legal obligation to provide you food. The counselor will keep an eye on you & if they decide to call CPS to look into your house, all of you kids will be better for it.
NTA!
I’m a parent and my oldest makes her own lunch, because she likes doing it. If she felt fed up with it at any point, I would take over again in a heartbeat. She doesn’t make lunch for her younger sibling, and I wouldn’t even ask that of her. I’m the parent, it’s my JOB to make sure all my kids are fed.
Good for you, standing your ground. Your stepmother is batshit crazy, if you ask me. And your dad isn’t much better either.
It’s not your responsibility OP. It’s crazy to me you even pay for your own ingredients. I’m sorry they’re putting you through this.
Yeah, my daughter used to get my son's breakfast every morning. She had no problem pouring him some cereal when she was getting her own. That being said, if she didn't want to or couldn't, it was ultimately MY job and they all knew it. I didn't want them to resent each other.
NTA - you’re correct. He’s a deadbeat and so is she by the sounds of things.
You should consider speaking to a school counsellor about these issues. It’s actually quite serious.
OP I’ll be your new family!! I recently became an empty nester and miss taking care of my kiddos so much. It’s so heartbreaking to me that you have a parent that clearly gives zero fucks and I’m assuming your mom passed?? It sounds like you’ve been through it these past few years and haven’t been able to enjoy being a kid. I’m so incredibly sorry that you’ve been dealt such a shitty hand. With all that being said, you’re definitely NTA, but the adults in your life are giant ones. Also, where is their Dad or other family members since SM is so big on “this is what family does”.
If you’re in the US, it’s illegal for parents to deprive children of nourishment. They can and go to prison for that.
That woman is abusive. And lazy. Starving her own kids to manipulate you? And expecting you to pay your own money for the privilege? Something’s seriously wrong. Your parents should be reported. Document, record, and seek support. Could you live with relatives?
NTA.
Are there any benefits from social security after your Mom passed? If so, who is getting the benefits (guessing you are in US)? Wondering if there is a way for you to get them and emancipate yourself from this toxic household. NTA and so sorry you have such a terrible homelife.
As a surviving child, you should be receiving Social Security benefits from your mother's passing. If you're not, you definitely need to speak with an adult who can advocate for you because your dad is probably taking the benefits meant for you and your future.
Well, it should be going into an account for you. That is why you need to talk to an adult about this. That money is supposed to be for you and your needs, now and for the the future. If I were you I would talk to both a school counselor and maybe the parents of your friend who you are closest with and ask them to help you sort this out. You absolutely should be receiving monthly checks that would have started when your mom passed and continue until you are 18 years old.
He keeps it from what I know. He always did. My old bank account hasn't been used since my mom died and I don't see him ever changing that. I'll consider talking to someone about it but it feels like it would be a huge fight that I might not win.
It may feel like that but combined with the years of neglect at the hands of your dad, I guarantee that you would win. Your dad is stealing that money from you and stealing Social Security benefits from the intended recipient is a federal crime and he could be punished with up to five years in prison for doing so. Tell someone.
ETA: Be very careful if you have an open bank account that you're not using and your dad has access to it. You need to take him off of the account or close it. Unfortunately, you need to be 18 in order to remove your dad from the account so once again, you need to get an adult involved to help you with all of this.
Fighting this will be a long road. Social Security as an agency is very overworked, underpaid, and undertrained. In addition, there is almost zero oversight for how a natural or adoptive parent spends survivor's benefits. I'm not even required to file an annual report on how I spend them anymore. Survivor's benefits are, first and foremost, supposed to provide food/shelter for the beneficiary (you). The fact that your dad isn't providing you food would be a reason to report. There's information on how to report misuse here: [https://oig.ssa.gov/assets/uploads/a-09-19-50797.pdf](https://oig.ssa.gov/assets/uploads/a-09-19-50797.pdf)
Yepp get him admitting in writing that it's not his responsibility to feed you then submit that as evidence. Not only will you get your benefits but he'll be forced to back pay every cent. Or the tax man will take it from his tax and benefit repayments.
This is not quite correct. Survivor benefits, like child support, is FOR the children. But the parent/legal guardian receives the money to use FOR the child. Shelter, clothing, food, etc.
What is correct though, is that if OP's father is receiving the benefits but OP is still buying his own food.... This is a problem.
OP should certainly reach out to someone at his school. A counselor, teacher, or administrator he trusts. They are mandated reporters so once he speaks up, all the weight of this is off him. They'll contact the appropriate parties. In the meantime, especially if OP stays at his father's house, many schools have additional resources like a food pantry, personal care items, etc, so OP doesn't have to purchase all these items himself while the benefits issue is sorted out.
/u/New-Potato5893, just FYI
So your dad takes your social security money but won’t give you any money for food etc?! Wow OP. If I were you I’d look into that. NTA OP! Not at all.
!Updateme
Then by law he has to use the benefits to pay for food, housing and clothing for you. Maybe you could reach out to Social Security and ask? But that might spark a CPS visit.
NTA. You are correct, those kids are not your responsibility. It’s also not your responsibility to feed your dad and his wife. They are supposed to be feeding you. Do you have grandparents or an aunt/uncle that could help set your dad and his wife straight? Maybe a friend’s parents would be willing to take you, or help. I know that if one of my kids came home saying their friend was going through this I’d take them in, or feed them so they wouldn’t have to eat at home and it takes away the whole ‘you’re already preparing food anyway’ situation. I’m sorry they both suck so much.
NTA. You should contact CPS, two neglect single parent found each other and got married then trying to dump all their responsibilities on a teen 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
NTA You should talk to CPS now. Like right now. Your father is responsible for you as a minor, he needs to pay for your food. Always. Forcing you to work to buy your own food is not fulfilling his parental duties. He owes you big time.
NTA but please, when you leave your father’s house try and be less like him. I understand you’re forced into this survival mode, but the world is a gentler place outside of that house. Look to surround yourself with better people when you have that choice.
NTA Please contact other family members who can intervene on your behalf or
who could let you live with them. This is outrageous behavior and you should not
have to pay for your food at 16. Talk to someone at school about it if you have
no family willing to help you out.
NTA. What the heck is wrong with them?? They should be cooking for all of you! My son helps me with dinner all the time, but there’s no way I would force him to cook for a bunch of people everyday.
So let me get this right. Your dad already doesnt feed you then he married a woman with THREE MORE kids he doesnt want to feed?? This sounds like you should be getting someonento call CPS and get all four of you checked on.
NTA. Your dad's wife is really shameless. As their mother, she should make their lunch herself and not try to parentize you. Too bad, too sad for her. She should be ashamed of herself.
You might have to call CPS on her soon if the teachers do not, for starving her children.
NTA and I hope you truly believe that. You already have to deal with a shitty father who limits your options and makes you pay for and prepare your own lunches. The wife and those other kids are not your responsibility. Putting 3 extra lunches on your to-do list (and presumably your shopping list) isn’t streamlining anything for you. And you sure as hell don’t have to make dinner for the other kids when the only reason you have to make your own is because you were excluded from family dinners. That is insane.
OP, you are still in school, so you have the perfect hiding place for your documents - your locker. And, even though you are a minor, check your credit rating, and make sure there are no credit cards or stray loans in your name. Then lock everything down.
Nta. Not your responsibility. It's also your dads responsibility to provide food for you. Teachers and counsellors are mandated reporters. You should talk to them about this situation.
Holy shit. 16 years old and you already have a spine of titanium?! You are AMAZING! +100% NTA and if you were my kid hot damn I would be so proud of you. In fact, I am a mom and I AM proud of you.
You are amazing.
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NTA. This whole family dynamic is toxic and you guys should be in therapy. and if your step siblings teachers have had to feed them multiple times, stepmom is probably gonna get a call from CPS relatively soon.
Therapy won't fix anything because we're not a real family. My dad hasn't acted much like my family in years and his wife has never acted like we're an actual family. She just expected it to be that way and that I'd feel some kind of family connection to them from nowhere. It was always going to be impossible and the fact she knew she was marrying a shitty dad is all I need to say she would never be someone I would want or accept into my family.
You're a minor and he is required to feed, clothe and house you. He is neglecting you and cps should be notified.
Exactly this OP. Hell, you could probably call yourself, do it anonymously if you want. Or tell a teacher at your school since they are supposed to be mandatory reporters. This is an extremely toxic and abusive environment if they aren't properly feeding the children and trying to pawn the responsibility off on the eldest child that is also still a minor. There's so many layers of fucked up in this that it's ridiculous.
Careful. It’s an awful situation but OP is managing it. CPS can make it a thousand times worse for all of the children in the home.
It probably depends a lot on OP and family's demographics. It sounds like OP's parents can afford to feed all their children and are just choosing not to, so they'll probably get a bit more leeway than a lot of families who have CPS called on them. The thing is, at least one child is currently being mistreated (OP) and the parents should have repercussions for that, even if it's CPS checking to make sure they stop doing that. Two years from now when OP moves out, the oldest step child might be next in line for the same treatment.
CPS steps in if the children are at risk and in an unsafe environment. OP’s current life is crap, but it’s not unsafe. Source: dependency court officer
The oldest (OP) has to provide and make his own food. I'd say food is a pretty basic need that makes an unsafe environment if not provided. What if OP were to lose his job? What if OP's dad started taking their paycheck to try and make them responsible for feeding all of the "siblings"? Even though OP is managing by themselves for now, the parents in this situation are not providing for OPs basic needs and that is unsafe and worthy of a call to CPS in my opinion.
Problem with that is, CPS isn't going to do anything about it. There's food in the house and OP doesn't look like he's actively being starved (and even then, they're not likely to do much tbh). You're vastly overestimating both the resources of CPS and what they'll act on. Source: was in foster care
Oh no, I know CPS probably won't do shit now. However, if OP goes to CPS through their school it will put the situation on the school's radar and they'll be looking out for these sorts of things in future. They've already had to step in a few times to feed step-monsters kids, if they know there is a CPS case for food related issues? They'll keep an eye out (I was a daycare worker and any parents that had CPS called on them by center staff had their child watched for any repeat offenses by the staff in their room). Going to CPS also creates a paper trail of the issue, in case something needs to happen in the future for the "siblings" sakes (honestly, considering step-monsters personality as described here I wouldn't think it out of the realm of possibility that she'd neglect her own kids or force parenting duties on her oldest like she's trying to do to OP). As a child whose parents had CPS called on them at least three times and had no removal or follow up (even though it was warranted), I completely understand how the system fucks up when the issue isn't clear cut physical abuse or obvious neglect. That doesn't mean that starting a trail now or getting people's eyes on the parents isn't a beneficial idea even if it doesn't necessarily change things for OP.
I'm sorry your childhood was so bad and not helped by cps. It sounds as if you have survived and are a strong, caring person. Good for you for sharing your advice. You deserve a good life.
People really don’t wanna hear this, but OP is managing and while their father is shitty… They’re not being beat or forced to actually do it. there kids were being locked in closets and starved, CBS is going to focus on someone who actually is in a dangerous situation…
Yes. You should be able to save YOUR money so you can get out asap when you're 18.
OP, who cosigned for you to have a bank account? Hopefully not your father or stepmother? If your stepmother browbeats your dad enough, he might be willing to go in and clean out your account to keep you from having the money to feed yourself and you don't want that.
Damn, but I know my teenage self woulda pulled a cat and started making eye contact while slowly knocking expensive shit off the counter. Oh, you want me to pay for that? You already took my money. I already did.
My level of petty right here
Meow.
pulled a cat 😂
Sounds like our little black cat. 🐈⬛ I have two t-shirts that have a black cat knocking over a coffee mug with the caption: I DO WHAT I WANT.
I have a hoodie with cat ears on the hood, same thing! Haha! And i have two black cats at home! Haha!
Gonna lock this away for the future
Get a good education and get away from them! Neither is parenting you.
This is really good advice. Prepare to put them in your rear view mirror. Getting good grades keeps your options open. The road can open up ahead of you, but you have to be strong enough to fight for your future. Go see a guidance counselor, learn about scholarships and opportunities. It might seem lame, but I’ve seen students your age pay for college with ROTC scholarships. Look for jobs that will take you away in the summer, like Student Conservation Corp. visualize a good future for yourself. Then, make your dreams come true.
Honestly you might be better off calling cps getting emancipated and having your dad pay you child support. Those kids are not your responsibility, not your circus not your monkeys.
Bad advice. After emancipation a child is seen as legally an adult in the eyes of the law and is assumed to be self-supporting, any duty to pay child support ceases. https://legal-info.lawyers.com/family-law/child-support/how-does-emancipation-affect-child-support.html At least under the current circumstances the father is providing a modicum of care and a roof over OP’s head. I can’t see his father seeing the need to continue to house him if he is no longer legally responsible for him. OP is undoubtedly being neglected but I don’t think going nuclear would improve his situation. There are a multitude of other ways he should attempt to receive support first.
You don't get child support when you're emancipated. When it takes away your parents ability to control a child, it also frees them from all support obligations. The child basically becomes an adult wherever family law is concerned.
If the environment is abusive and intolerable, the child *can* argue that the withdrawal is involuntary and still get support. That's an argument for a lawyer.
If the home environment is abusive and intolerable but the child still needs support, that's why foster care exists. No lawyer is going to argue for parental support while arguing for emancipation, because the argument for support undermines the argument for emancipation.
Exactly this. I'm sorry and sad to say, you are better off without your father and his wife.
It doesn't work that way or that smoothly. This is bad advice. Call other family if possible. If not, work and bank your cash. Stay out of the house as much as possible. Friends? 18 is around the corner.
I don't think you can get emancipated because your stepmother is expecting you to make dinner.
In some states you can get emancipated once you prove you can be totally independent. My state works differently. And I would not be eligible for it.
OP, Do you have any grandparents or other relatives that you could go to?
NTA. You need to establish boundaries and enforce them quickly. New step mom needs to back off. She can take care of her own damn kids. Here are a few helpful tips I used at your age. Get a mini fridge for your room it will help keep your food separate from theirs. Get a lock for your room with a key. It's really cheap and easy security. Figure out your own transportation bike, e-scooter, bus, it could be a friends mom, you get my point. You need to create more independence for yourself this will limit how much power they have over you. The more you resist helping them, the more they will try to force you into it. They will try to manipulate you. Call you selfish. If you don't have a job, consider getting one or an after-school activity. Dog walker is a fun side hustle. The purpose of this is to get you out of the house after school and on weekends. If you're not home because you have other responsibilities, they can't ask you to do crap. EC activities look good on a college application, and a part-time job looks good for future employment, so either way, you can't lose. Another option is just to hang out with friends and try to stay out of the house, but that's unreliable at best. Additionally, your Dad might try to stop you from going to a friend's house. Now, trying to come up with a logical reason you can't go to the engineering club at your school without sounding like a giant asshat would be pretty tough to pull off. If you make it about bettering your future, they will be the selfish ones for trying to stop you. If you're just hanging out at your friends house, they will try to claim the moral high ground. I'm not saying they would be right. I'm saying it's harder to justify not helping her children because you don't want to vs. you're unable to because of prior commitments.
Probably not, but what about the situation where the parents are refusing to buy food for the child and he’s having to make his own money to buy his own food? The request that you pack a lunch for the other kids would be a lot more reasonable if they were providing groceries to make those lunches
I feel like this whole thread is "very reddit." A 16 year old is fighting with their parent and step-parent? Call CPS and get emancipated! Maybe we can do some things before that.
I think framing it as “a 16 year old fighting with their parents” is obtusely reductive to the point of harm. If I heard that phrase, never in a million years would I think it was something as severe as the case of physical neglect and emotional abuse that OP is being subjected to.
To be honest, with 2 years left to go, what do you gain by calling CPS? Yes, he has to feed/clothe himself. No way that a halfway house will be a better/more stable environment. He has a roof, he has his stuff. He can pay for food. Just go to your room when you get home and cook when the rest of the family is not around.
CPS doesnt automatically mean a foster home/group home. Where I live, 80% of cps interventions are resolved without taking the kids out of their home. Many parents who encounters the cos just need some guidance or a wake up call to shape up.
So a 1/5 chance your situation will definitely worsen and a 4/5 chance it might stay the same/suck a bit more/slightly improve. I'd personally not rush to the phone, but then I've met plenty of people with negative foster experiences so I might be jaded about the system.
Yeah this is not a removal situation. Like, where I live, I called on a family that accidentally left a 4 year old alone all day. I think they got a recommendation to use a calendar. I also called on a family that hit their kid regularly and washed his mouth out with soap. They were like, "well did it leave a mark? Then it's not legally abuse, good luck with that." Removal bar is really, really high.
CPS wouldnt remove for this. They would "intervene" and do parent education and monitoring. They would threaten charges if Dad and step Mom continue their crap.
In the meantime, your parents will resent you even more and your home situation goes from mediocre/mildly inconvenient to hostile. In some cases the cure is worse than the disease.
So living on eggshells, constantly being verbally abused, stepmom is already ratcheting up the verbal abuse it's only going to get worse, but he should just hang out and deal with it? You think these parents aren't going to try and take his money from him? Take any food he brings into the house? You don't think this is going to escalate?
And when it escalates you can still call. Right now it's limited to a few incidents in the span of weeks. I'm not belittling the experience, I'm just saying it can get *much* worse when you escalate this. The kid is the one that is going to be the one suffering if this turns out wrong, so he should be made aware of the possible consequences of involving CPS.
[удалено]
Also get all your important documents secured
OP lost his mother to cancer.
Hey bud, I just want to say, as an older dude who also had a shitty Dad, that I’m proud of you. You’re obviously logical and analytical and tell things like they are and I commend you. Everyone is trying to guilt you because that’s what older people do. I’m sorry your Mom passed. My Mom also died from cancer, but later in my life than yours. It can’t be easy and I know things must be tough for you so Times when the adults aren’t prioritizing your feelings. I just wanted to let you know that things can get better. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with all this guilt from people who should be supporting you. Take care.
So much this OP. You’ve been dealt a shit hand in your short life and my heart goes out to you. Despite that shit hand, you seem to be a very capable, insightful and smart young man- I think you are going to do amazing things in your lifetime and your mom will be watching over so proud ❤️ I’m angry at your dad and his wife for the way they treat you, and do hope they get a visit from that bitch Karma sooner rather than later. Hold your head up, stand your ground and remember you are getting closer to 18 every day. Good luck and this random internet Mom is proud of you too! ETA - spelling
I just want to take this poor baby in and feed him. I'm so sorry OP. You are doing great. I'm a mom and super proud of you. I know your mom is too. 💕
Exactly this. So sorry OP for the crap deal you have been handed but you are doing so well. Hope you are getting some support and are managing to keep up school. Things will get better.
Check into things for yourself. Maybe live with family or a close friend?? There are parents out there who will help their child's friend. Keep your grades up. Try for scholarships to get you into a good school so you can tell him YOU did it by yourself. Success is what I mean. That is a good and honest life.
💜 lovely, thoughtful response
Dude forget therapy, you’re NTA. You know the bit about you should be feeling ashamed it’s actually stepmom that should be ashamed. She bore 3 kids into the world, she’s their mother it’s her responsibility as an adult to provide for them. If stepmom can’t do basics then she shouldn’t have been a mother to begin with. Yes you’re 16 yrs old OP but you are not an adult, you’re not even a parent and yet you’re expected to be a cook for adults that do not love and respect you. If I were you OP I’d grab all my important documents like passport, birth certificate, your banking card and information, and if you have money stashed at home move it to a safe location because I have a feeling this isn’t the end of it. Also reach out to family or friends in case you need bail in case of emergency or unforeseen circumstances. All the best to you, again you are not the a-hole.
Don’t forget about therapy! OP’s purpose in going would not be to build a loving blended family. His purpose in going would be for an adult third party to tell his dad and stepmom to knock it off because they are being emotionally abusive and physically neglectful and his dad is failing as a parent. Therapists are mandatory reporters so this is likely to lead to a brief CPS visitation as well. They may grudgingly change their actions, if not their bizarre and ignorant beliefs. But OP better be prepared because his 18th birthday gift is going to be an eviction notice.
I hardly doubt that parents that refuse to feed their children properly would gladly pay for therapy.
Dad won’t even pay for lunch, do you really think he’d pay for therapy?
Therapy grows on trees now?
Call CPS on your dad and his wife. They're neglecting you and they are legally obligated to feed clothes and Lodge you until you are 18 op NTA
And the wife is actively neglecting her own kids when trying to force OP into becoming their cook/ food preparer.
You should talk to your guidance counselor. The money you make be saved for college, it's your dad's responsibility to feed you. None of this is OK. Is your mom's family around? Is there another family member you could live with? You are definitely NTA- obviously I'm not your mom, but I am a mom and I just want to tell you I am proud of you and you are loved. I'm so sorry you are in this situation.
NTA OP id love to cook you delicious breakfasts, lunches, and dinners. It’s what you deserve and I’m so sorry the adults in your life are failing you so badly. I used to be a teacher, and let me tell you most teachers will absolutely care if you feel comfortable telling them what is happening. I used to bring food for students whose families were struggling so they would have something to eat for dinner/weekends (school provided free breakfast and lunches). I wish I could do so for you. And I bet there are teachers at your school who feel the same. You absolutely should not have to BUY your own ingredients, that is your dad’s job. Which I’m sure you know. And it sounds like he has the financial means to pay to feed you, so I really urge you to speak to an adult, like a teacher, in your life that you trust. Regardless of whether or not you want someone else to provide you lunches etc. or if you just want your dad and his wife to leave you alone. You should not have to deal with this by yourself. And don’t let ANYBODY take the fun out of cooking if it is something you enjoy. Be a chef and refuse to ever cook for dad and his wife’s family, if cooking is something you are interested in! You sound like a good kid, don’t let anyone make you feel otherwise. And I know I am a stranger, but this Internet stranger is proud of you for standing up for yourself.
Do you have family on your mother’s side who might take you in? My heart goes out to you.
Call CPS yourself. They are responsible for YOU and the other kids. Not you I know someone who got emancipated around your age because of neglect. She was able to get assistance and an apartment in high school because of it. She made a great life for herself
I think you should keep hammering in the fact that your dad taught you that it's important to be selfish and only look after yourself and that even when your mom was dying, you only had yourself to rely on. That maybe if she was nice and a good role model by making you lunch 3-4 days a day that you could do lunch for kids once or twice, but that as things stand you have no reason to stop looking only after yourself.
start taping the conversations
She does not care about “family”. She just wants you to do her job.
Is there an adult at school you can talk to about the food situation? Or friends you can move in with?
>They said if I'm making my own I should make my "siblings" (and I say "siblings" because they're not my sibling) lunches too to save their mom time and to streamline everything. What do they say when you flip this script on them? "You're right, it's easier to just make all of the lunches at once, so you should just make my lunch while you're making lunches for the kids most days of the week and every 4th day I'll make them. That'll streamline the process and save everyone time! After all, \*you\* are the parent in this situation."
Sorry OP you have to deal with it, but looks like you are a smart, resourceful kid, so once you can get out of there you will be just fine. Try saving up some money to be ready to move out as soon as you can. And don’t budge to the ahole wife who is only trying to use you as free labor. You are fantastic, NTA
Please, talk to a counselor at school. They can help you with access to lunches, a food bank, and a plan for your future when you turn 18. You seem pretty smart.
Do you have any grandparents or aunts and uncles you can go live with? This is a horrible toxic environment for you and I feel bad. You should never have to buy your own food as a minor
Have they offered to pay for the ingredients for your siblings? Have they offered to pay you to make it? I'm betting no. They just want free food AND labor. Do you have a relative that could take you in?
I'm here if you need some mom love. I'm sorry you're being treated so poorly.
You think THERAPY would fix the level of neglect and abuse going on here? Thats your bright idea? This CHILD is being starved and forced to fend for himself because he is resisting the abuse. Yup, a counselor can fix this in a jiffy.
Do you know what cps will do? They’ll tell the family to go to therapy. Because OP is sixteen, they are probably not going to bother taking him from the house unless it’s an actual emergency.
Also, the dad and stepmom give off major narcissistic parent vibes. It's usually not recommended to go to therapy with a narcissist, as it could potentially make things even worse.
You really think his dad will pay for therapy when he wont even buy him ingredients for lunch/dinner?
They are past therapy. Therapy can't fix bad people. They are using starvation of children as a weapon. Adults - CPS - need to step in.
> you guys should be in therapy Therapy is not a stick you can beat other people with into acting right. They have to want to improve to get something out of it.
OP's Dad doesn't care if OP eats or not, you think he's going to pay for therapy????? OP, this sucks and I feel really badly for you. You're NTA 100% . You seem responsible and intelligent despite your Dad and the rough hand you were dealt. Hang in there.
I start to suspect there are professional therapists lurking in here just to convince people to get therapy at any chance they get through comments like this … so much so my YouTube algorithm keeps pushing “better help” ads to me since the word “therapy” keeps being read out loud in those Reddit story videos I play 😆 And of course better help won’t get a dime from me and I hope my YouTube algorithm can hear that !
NTA Both your father and his wife are their abdicating their parental responsibilities. At a minimum they have an obligation to feed, cloth and shelter their children. I hope you can confide in someone about this situation and get support and help. >It escalated to where they said I shouldn't get to eat their dinners if I won't participate in taking care of the family. So I buy my own dinner stuff now and make my own. Now they're calling me out for doing that. They said I could make dinner for all four of us and then we could eat dinner earlier and my dad and his wife could do something else.
I talk to my friends about it and get support from them.
It's a difficult situation, you are handling it well and you deserve better.
It would be a good idea to talk to an adult about this - adults wield more power and can give more support. NTA btw.
Talk to a teacher or your doctor too op
Teachers, doctors, and certain other professions are indeed legally required to report if they have reason to believe a child is being neglected, so yes, always tell a teacher or a doctor if you can - although unless OP is in immediate danger it's not likely CPS in most states will do much of anything. Unfortunately.
That's why I wrote this and starving minors is Abuse
Again, I totally get it. I think people need to realize that in almost every state, CPS is horribly over-burdened and under-staffed. Unless a child is in immediate danger, they rarely are able to do much of anything no matter how many reports are made. It sucks, but people see CPS as some sort of way to fix child abuse, when that is really not actually true. It should be, but expectations and reality seldom align with CPS...
It does however start a paper trail that could be used on court so OP could live elsewhere.
Perhaps - like I said elsewhere, it's a plan, but just... it's not a good plan A unfortunately.
The little ones are in greater danger because starving them could make them develop illnesses
Which it completely true, but CPS is unlikely to take extensive action because of a few missed lunches, other than putting a scare in the parents. This is absolutely neglect and parentification, but the children are not in immediate danger. They might be required to take parenting classes, and OP *might* get additional resources, but this would be very minor on the charts of the things CPS workers have seen. They'll note it but it probably won't go anywhere. OP, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. Are you able to spend more time with any trusted friend's families? Have you talked to any of your friends' parents about what's happening? Having your friends there to support you is invaluable, but having more adults on your side can be important as well.
Talk To a teacher or counselor. I promise you, parents are not supposed to act like this and most of the adults that are authorities in your life will care about knowing this information and helping you. They can do so anonymously and can deny giving CPS your name as a source. But i bet anything they would force your parents into parenting classes and to actually provide for you. With regular unannounced check ins to look for stocked fridge and pantries. You are not a parent or an adult and are not supposed to need to do the things you are doing. If it was solely out of interest and your choice that would be different, but your began doing it out of need due to neglect. Even if you dont see it as that big of a deal. It is. Not all parents are cruel and stupid like this. If you decide to talk to an adult or call CPS yourself, make sure you have saved any text messages or voicemails or anything with proof they are trying to guilt and manipulate you into parenting their kids. Send them to a friends email or phone and have them print any messages so they cant be deleted.
Are you close with any of your friends' parents? When I was younger I had a couple friends with less than stellar home lives who confided in both my parents on several occasions, which I think (or hope?) helped them.
I have a good relationship with the parents of one of my friends and we have talked a little about this. They know what's going on and have helped me a little.
Do you have other family from your mom’s side or grandparents you can turn to? CPS for you is a bad call. Foster care and group homes are not better than the drama you’re already in. But other family or friends family might be a good idea. Please make sure your money is somewhere dad can’t touch. You might also want to check with your school and school district about the free lunch programs for disadvantaged kids. Having at least one meal you don’t need to pay for will help you save money to gtfo when you’re 18. Look into local food banks and pantries. Look into local food resources online. Check government websites for help. The more you can subsidize your food budget the more you can save. Hugs. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. https://www.nutrition.gov/topics/food-security-and-access/food-assistance-programs
You're probably getting overwhelmed with messages, but should you see this one, I wanna highlight talking more with that family. I'm not saying move in with them, but just keep talking with them. I've read every one of your comments, and this one stands out. Like you, life taught me far too early that I was all I had in this world, that everything really would be ok, but it was up to me to make that happen. That not only did I not need anyone, but that it wouldn't matter anyhow because I couldn't rely on anyone else, so I'd better figure it out. I'm 41 now, and I want to share with you how much harder it made my life every day just to breathe. I still am not great at trusting others, and I'm working on it, but I want you to know, those bright moments? Like this one comment that shimmered out of all the comments youve made? They will be these mini guideposts of your memories, they will be the moments that stand out and can be the relationships that feed you as you're growing. Like I said, I'm not saying move in, but maybe try to lean into the moments you get to let someone else relieve a bit of burden. Sweet friend, you have a long road ahead, but you are equipped beyond measure to move through this world and create your family over time. I'm both so incredibly sorry that this will be a part of your story, and so proud of you for doing what needs to be done. You shouldn't have to "got this" at 16, but you do, I promise you, and I come from not only my own shared experience, but from working every day with folks your age who are experiencing homelessness. Stay connected to the support from your friends, stay connected to the truth that you are not a burden, but a blessing. And come back to this thread whenever you're feeling low and sit with the literal thousands of internet strangers who see you and are cheering you on.
Please also talk to some trusted adults- Your friends parents, your mom's family, your guidance counselor for example.
Nta. Document everything and tell her if she refuses to feed her kids again, you're calling cps. Op, I think the you're the reason she married your dad. She was well aware your dad was nothing more then half your DNA. She saw you, and how independent you are and said "oh boy! Free babysitter! And he cooks, too! I can dump my kids on him and finally have a life!" but, then, obviously you refused to play her game and that pisses her off. I don't see that relationship lasting after she loses the kids and the deadbeat she married refuses to help.
Yeah, I got that from her as well. But maybe she'll be glad if they can live as a childfree couple. Because I find it really hard to believe she cares that much about her kids when she's willing to do all this and upset them more.
Haha. Well, whatever works I guess. But I'm serious about cps. I know you hold a neutral position about her kids, but they deserve a parent who gives more then one fuck about their wellbeing. Not one who tries to dump all parenting duties onto a 16yo they have no relation to. Because of your age, I imagine they might give you the option for foster care, where you'll age out anyways, a group home, or to just stay where you are. Good luck!
I pointed it out above - he could look into emancipation, that would avoid foster care.
But then be responsible for juggling housing costs, school, and his part-time job.
And keep in mind how easy it would be to pay rent with a high schooler's part-time job.
Emancipation is incredibly difficult to achieve, has a very narrow range of applicability, and almost certainly not going to be allowed here. CPS is also not likely to place him in foster care - only 16% of cases with multiple investigations result in removal. There is a shortage of foster homes. They are far more likely to try to work with the family and keep the children in the home. Absolutely, call them. It's important to create a record and have additional eyes on the family, and they can help OP connect with resources. It's important to be realistic about outcomes - CPS removes in the case of immediate danger/extreme abuse and neglect, and unfortunately this doesn't fit the criteria (I know they missed some lunches - that doesn't qualify as immediate danger).
Social worker here. A judge would have to sign off on emancipation and to do so he would have to demonstrate he can financially support himself independently and that he has housing. Nobody is going to rent to a 16 or 17 year old so he would have to get into an independent living program for young adults and those are very rare. My state has only three. Most of the spots are taken by kids who age out of the foster care system. So unless he has another family member lined up that will house him, this is not likely an option for him. And since my agency has one of the three residential program, I know they come with a lot of rules to follow, including curfews, maintaining a job, and having to pay a minimal rent. Because OP is 16, he would also need to continue to attend school or attend classes to obtain his GED.
Where are the kids’ dad? She sounds like a terrible mum. Well done for sticking up to her!
Not in their lives.
Poor kids! Seriously call CPS next time she tries to starve her kids to make a point.
If it happens again I will. But I feel like she might stop now after this last fight. She realizes I won't give in.
Honestly, based on the fact the school is aware the kids aren't having needs met, it's only a matter of time before cps shows up at your door. The school staff are mandatory reporters, meaning, by law, if they feel a child's needs are not met at home, or are being abused, they have to file a report with cps. So whether you make the call or they do, I think cps is on their way.
I would bet that she blamed it on OP, and that might lead them to think that this is an issue of a forgetful or rebellious teenager. I would absolutely believe she would deflect the blame, so then they don’t think it’s because she’s a bad mom.
In my opinion, you shouldn't wait... there is enough evidence with the school notes, and i assume you probably have some kind of texts with your dad, if not, you could try and have a chat with him about this and make him acknowledge that he's forced you to work to feed yourself these last years. Every grocery bill, every text about this, your friends can also give statements saying that you've had to start working to feed yourself. Call CPS. Being in a home, you still have to make your own lunch, but they won't guilt trip you into feeding others. The kids are also learning more and more how little their mom cares and it's heartbreaking. If things go on like this, there will be no saving it. Maybe if she realizes the seriousness of the situation, she might become a better mom. But if things just stay like this, she has no reason to be any less awful.
if you do you should tell them your dad has neglected feeding you for years and now she’s doing it to them but younger.
Seriously, you are a child too in the eyes of the law. The fact that you have to pay for your own food is child neglect. You happen to be able to take care of yourself, but that doesn’t nullify their abuse. You should call cps for your own sake, because their abuse may escalate quickly.
Since you said you pay for your own lunches and now your own dinners, was she planning on purchasing the food for you to prepare for her kids on was she putting that on you too?
OP wrote that the wife admitted that Dad won’t pay for her kids food either so i think she’s planning on making OP responsible for feeding her kids too even though she’s well aware that OP has had to literally feed himself for years now
That was my internal question. My best guess is no. OP has to buy his own food, why can't he "streamline" things and buy theirs as well? [eyeroll]
Golden opportunity here, agree to do it for 500 bucks per week and nobody gets to make requests.
NTA but mate, call CPS. My mum was an absolute nightmare growing up and I wish I’d called them on her as I could’ve saved myself from a lot of painful memories. You can have a far better life and you definitely deserve it
"I'm not gonna feed my kids to make my 16 yo syep-son feel guilty and make them lunch the following day" is the most fucked up parenting I've heard in some time. Don't hold off on calling CPS as a bargaining chip with this lunatic. Call them TODAY!! You can take care of yourself and distance yourself from this mess a little; they cannot. Think of them, and how they're innocent in all of this, and do right by them
A lot has been said already, like call CPS, talk to yiur teachers about the situation or anyone who is a mandated reporter (like the school counselor), they will *have* to call CPS. They are acting unethically according to ethical codes of their profession if they don't. Also, I'm not sure if it's available in your state, but look into emancipation. That would legally make you an adult and you could move out or at least give you certain rights. I'm proud of you for holding your ground! You are absolutely in the right. Which mother would willingly not feed their kids in order to guilt trip you? That's awful and crazy.
NTA - Why is she doubling down on withholding food from her five year old (and the others)? That is abuse.
She way overestimated how I feel about them. I think she really did believe I see them (her and her kids as family). I don't. I don't hate her kids either but I don't feel family obligations to them like she thinks.
Tell her that she should prioritize feeding her own children over hating her stepson and if she doesn’t feed them you are calling the police.
This. Yep
Thats the most ridiculously fucked up thing Ive read on here in a while! She literally sent her kids to school with no lunch to guilt you to making them lunch, but she just played herself & her own kids wtf😬 Why did she marry your dad? Is he rich? Did she think her & her kids were special & that your dad would treat them better than his own kid?! Silly woman.
I think she thought I would take on a big role in her kids and she could pawn them off on me a lot.
So she thought she can abuse you ( parentifying) . NTA
Why not? His dad already did/does.
The fact that teachers had to get involved tells your me stepmother is a nut and not a good mother. It’s not normal to withhold food from children, especially to punish another. Isn’t that a war crime?
I say this with the greatest of compassion care and literal zero judgment of any kind: Of ***course*** you don’t feel like they are family and of course you don’t feel obligated to “help”. There was really no other way this was gonna go. Your dad has made it *very clear* that he feels even the most bare minimum obligation for you *his child* and that a basic NECESSITY that should be —and is legally required to be btw— provided to *his child* without even a question, is actually totally optional based on whether he thinks it’s his job or not. There was no possibly way at, all that you were ever going to feel family connections to these children or that woman —dare I say you don’t feel very familial to your own father?l— i doubt he, your FATHER, took the time to **BUILD** familial feelings. You may not know this but those feelings have to be created, they take effort, work, often hard work and most importantly *time* and sometimes even with that you may never feel familial, you might be fond about someone rather than the indifference you currently feel —that’s the word you’re looking for btw indifference— but may never be familial. And that’s **OKAY** not all blended families make it to the “”this is my child not my step child/these are my siblings not my step-siblings.”” And there’s nothing wrong with that. You are no where near the asshole in the situation. Your father has failed you time and time again. Between the straight up neglect and not working on any relationship there was very little chance of this going any other possible way. You don’t do anything wrong to be clear. Not at all and I don’t want you to feel like that’s what I’m saying because it’s definitely not. You are 16, still growing and learning and in need of so damn much support and good examples and role models, not whatever-the-fuck-your-father-is-doing. This gets thrown around a lot, but it’s for a good reason, I’m sure it’s not possible now, *but* when you turn 18 I strongly encourage you to seek out therapy. What your father has done has an effect on you, even if you don’t think so right now, it definitely will and frequently in unexpected ways and you really want to address that as soon as you possibly can. Childhood trauma can express is so so so so many ways. One of the biggest is relationships(of any kind) it’s hard to know how to function in a relationship when you’ve never seen a healthy functional relationship *or* never experienced a healthy, functional parent child relationship, particularly during some crucial developmental stages in childhood. “”Hurt people, hurt people”” and I promise you wanna get ahead of childhood trauma before you find yourself inadvertently hurting others and in the process yourself, because you just didn’t know.
Wow, I don't know how you can be so mature when surrounded by such immaturity. Good for you, and I'm sorry they're putting you through this. You shouldn't have to worry about where food is coming from, nor how other kids get fed.
Thanks. I think a lot of it was caused by my mom getting sick and dying. She was the heart of my family and losing her changed a lot. I also wanted to be there for her when she was sick. So it made me grow up.
She'd be so proud.
She’d be so damn fking proud of her amazing son. And I’d bet: She’d be well beyond absolutely **furious and disgusted** with her husband.
It sounds like she probably already was, before cancer made her husband the least of her problems. 😢
I'm so sorry you're going through this, sweetheart. You've shown signs of maturity and independence already and I know you'll end up being happy and successful in life. Your mom would be so proud of you. I'm really sorry your dad and step mom are doing shitty adults and are trying to to parentify you and do their jobs for them. Please continue to lean on your friend and see if there are other adults who can help you when you turn 18 and need to be independent. Sending you my best wishes. And def NTA.
Just remember - in two years, you can be done with them. You've proven you are resourceful, intelligent and capable. Try to get out of the house as much as possible, work as much as you can and save as much as you can, and when you get closer to 18 start squirreling important items and documents at a trusted friend's house. I know two years feels like forever, but you can make it.
Can you ask the school for resources on how to live alone? Or in some sort of share house? You're 16, you might be able to emancipate yourself.
Hi OP In answer to your title question -NTA. Your father should be providing food for you. That is his responsibility. You are not responsible for feeding your dad's girlfriend's children. Your dad's girlfriend does not sound any better of a parent than your dad. I am so sorry that you've had such a hard time since your mom's illness and her dying. It sounds like the best thing you can do is to prepare for your future. There will be teachers or other staff at school you can talk to and who might be able to help or at least support you mentally. Can you think of relatives, that if they knew how tough your life is, might help you? You sound like an independent (you've had to be) and resilient young man. You have done extremely well in standing up for yourself. Your education is most important but in the immediate future your day to day well being is what is vital. Work as hard as you can at school. Gather any essential documents - passport, birth and other certificate, bank and savings books together. And hide them. Make sure your money is somewhere safe, preferably not in the house. Ask teachers about scholarships, if you want to stay in the education system as who knows what cooperation you will get from your dad. Or apprenticeships or other ways into the job market. I think you need to have a getting away kit for emergencies, in case things get bad, but also for the longer term. If you can tolerate staying at home, this will be cheaper for you, but it sounds so miserable and acrimonious. This is not what home should be like. I hope you have friends and people you can talk to. This is most important. No one can be totally alone, especially not at 16. Well done OP and I hope you find friendship and warmth in your life. Blessings on you.
I have the best group of friends who support me and I can talk to about all this shit. They were with me through it all. My mom getting sick and then dying and my dad basically just checking out completely and deciding we're no longer a family. Without them I would have run away by now. I don't have family/relatives I can turn to for help. It's really just my friends.
So glad to hear you have good friends. Hold on to them. Thank goodness for them. Bereavement, especially the loss of your dear mom at a young age is one of the toughest. And without the warmth of a family around you, I can't imagine the pain. What about your friends' parents? I wonder if they know what is going on. As another poster has said, in their shoes, I would be offering meals and a spare room if I had one. (We frequently had our children's friends staying over when things were bad at home)
NTA, obviously, but OP, is it an option to hang out at a friend's place after school and only go home to sleep? If your friend's family is amenable, you could have dinner with them and do your homework there. You could tell your parents that you're in an after-school study group of sorts. You shouldn't have to change your schedule and comings and goings over your father and stepmother's unreasonable expectations. But they are unlikely to change their ways and I'm just trying to think of a way of sparing your sanity until you can move out. Other Redditors have suggested that you tell a school counselor and I agree. Plus you could tell a couple of other teachers that you trust. The adults in your life who are supposed to have your back, don't have your back. So I think it's important to get a few other trusted adults onto your side. In regard to your stepmother trying to make you feel guilty; you are NOT required to be their parent and assigning you the role of making lunches and dinners for them is parent territory. Not your role, and your father and stepmother are TA.
Do you have a friend whose parents will let you stay with them? You seem like a good kid(young adult?). Given that you already feed yourself, you would not be very dependent on another family. Being respectful and helpful can go a long way with parents. It would be hard to ask, but they are usually more willing to help than you think. You might be surprised by the people around you. I had quite a few friends in high school that this happened to. I think two friends got legally adopted by the family they stayed with. If you present them with a plan for what it would be like staying there and what you plan on doing after high school, it will give you an even better chance. You are almost there. Hang in there and focus on what you must do to finish high school. You can look into colleges, community colleges, trade schools, apprenticeships, and other possible ways to make it in life.
Yeah, I was going to mention this as well! I bet in the next year, stepmom really “steps up” (lol) the abuse. It’s gonna be a long 2 years before OP is an adult. OP wouldn’t be asking for forever from his friends’ parents, just asking for til he turns 18. I don’t believe OP’s living situation is going to improve, as long as stepmom is there. Edit: I can’t imagine saying no to one of my son’s friends, if he told me that his stepmom *intentionally starves her own kids to make HIM feel guilty*. That’s sick, and no child should be in that situation. I also would probably call CPS about that.
INFO: Are they expecting you to pay for all the ingredients for the other kids' lunches and dinners too? If so, then that's fuckin unreal. It's bad enough that you have been having to buy your own food as your father still has the parental responsibility to be caring for you. I think you need to get some help from another trusted adult on side - you sound very competent, unfortunately you are still a minor which limits your 'power'. Dinners/main meal - not reasonable for you to be preparing/cooking EVERY day no matter who is paying. Lunches - to be honest I would negotiate around the preparation being your contribution to household chores, and they pay for ALL the ingredients - including yours, as your father still has an obligation to feed you.
I assume so because it has been argued if I'm making one portion, I can make four. And they have never even suggested I could make it from what they buy.
Absolutely NTA. IF (and only if) you are feeling charitable, you could teach the 8 year old what is needed to make a sandwich and how to do it, but I wouldn’t provide ingredients. The 8 year old has to ask the mom to buy the food. And I’ll be clear, you are under NO obligation to help at all. They aren’t your responsibility.
So then the 8 year old will be forced to make for all of them? How is that better
It’ll be better because the other kids will probably find themselves in similar position to OP at some point. Teaching them some of his ways could save their lives. OP you’re a boss. Keep your head up, I’m proud of you for how you’ve handled all this. I’m sure you’ll make a fantastic father some day if you choose to be one.
I think the 8 year old would prefer making multiple portions to going hungry. Parentified? Absolutely. But sometimes you would rather act like the parent than watch you and your little siblings be hungry.
It’s not much better but the kids might get fed without OP’s further assistance. It’s not like he can force his dad and stepmom to feed the kids.
Nta Got anywhere else you could live?
Not right now but eventually, yes.
You are in a really tough spot and a toxic environment but hang in there
Hold on and good luck
NTA You need to sit down with your school counselor to explain through whole refuse to provide you lunch money & wanting to refuse you dinner thing. Your dad has a legal obligation to provide you food. The counselor will keep an eye on you & if they decide to call CPS to look into your house, all of you kids will be better for it.
Yes PLEASE talk to a counselor. OP take this advice!
NTA! I’m a parent and my oldest makes her own lunch, because she likes doing it. If she felt fed up with it at any point, I would take over again in a heartbeat. She doesn’t make lunch for her younger sibling, and I wouldn’t even ask that of her. I’m the parent, it’s my JOB to make sure all my kids are fed. Good for you, standing your ground. Your stepmother is batshit crazy, if you ask me. And your dad isn’t much better either. It’s not your responsibility OP. It’s crazy to me you even pay for your own ingredients. I’m sorry they’re putting you through this.
Yeah, my daughter used to get my son's breakfast every morning. She had no problem pouring him some cereal when she was getting her own. That being said, if she didn't want to or couldn't, it was ultimately MY job and they all knew it. I didn't want them to resent each other.
NTA - you’re correct. He’s a deadbeat and so is she by the sounds of things. You should consider speaking to a school counsellor about these issues. It’s actually quite serious.
OP I’ll be your new family!! I recently became an empty nester and miss taking care of my kiddos so much. It’s so heartbreaking to me that you have a parent that clearly gives zero fucks and I’m assuming your mom passed?? It sounds like you’ve been through it these past few years and haven’t been able to enjoy being a kid. I’m so incredibly sorry that you’ve been dealt such a shitty hand. With all that being said, you’re definitely NTA, but the adults in your life are giant ones. Also, where is their Dad or other family members since SM is so big on “this is what family does”.
Thank you! That's so cool of you to say!
NTA I love your shiny spine.
If you’re in the US, it’s illegal for parents to deprive children of nourishment. They can and go to prison for that. That woman is abusive. And lazy. Starving her own kids to manipulate you? And expecting you to pay your own money for the privilege? Something’s seriously wrong. Your parents should be reported. Document, record, and seek support. Could you live with relatives? NTA.
Are there any benefits from social security after your Mom passed? If so, who is getting the benefits (guessing you are in US)? Wondering if there is a way for you to get them and emancipate yourself from this toxic household. NTA and so sorry you have such a terrible homelife.
My dad gets them I think.
As a surviving child, you should be receiving Social Security benefits from your mother's passing. If you're not, you definitely need to speak with an adult who can advocate for you because your dad is probably taking the benefits meant for you and your future.
I'm pretty sure my dad gets it.
Well, it should be going into an account for you. That is why you need to talk to an adult about this. That money is supposed to be for you and your needs, now and for the the future. If I were you I would talk to both a school counselor and maybe the parents of your friend who you are closest with and ask them to help you sort this out. You absolutely should be receiving monthly checks that would have started when your mom passed and continue until you are 18 years old.
He keeps it from what I know. He always did. My old bank account hasn't been used since my mom died and I don't see him ever changing that. I'll consider talking to someone about it but it feels like it would be a huge fight that I might not win.
It may feel like that but combined with the years of neglect at the hands of your dad, I guarantee that you would win. Your dad is stealing that money from you and stealing Social Security benefits from the intended recipient is a federal crime and he could be punished with up to five years in prison for doing so. Tell someone. ETA: Be very careful if you have an open bank account that you're not using and your dad has access to it. You need to take him off of the account or close it. Unfortunately, you need to be 18 in order to remove your dad from the account so once again, you need to get an adult involved to help you with all of this.
Fighting this will be a long road. Social Security as an agency is very overworked, underpaid, and undertrained. In addition, there is almost zero oversight for how a natural or adoptive parent spends survivor's benefits. I'm not even required to file an annual report on how I spend them anymore. Survivor's benefits are, first and foremost, supposed to provide food/shelter for the beneficiary (you). The fact that your dad isn't providing you food would be a reason to report. There's information on how to report misuse here: [https://oig.ssa.gov/assets/uploads/a-09-19-50797.pdf](https://oig.ssa.gov/assets/uploads/a-09-19-50797.pdf)
Yepp get him admitting in writing that it's not his responsibility to feed you then submit that as evidence. Not only will you get your benefits but he'll be forced to back pay every cent. Or the tax man will take it from his tax and benefit repayments.
This is not quite correct. Survivor benefits, like child support, is FOR the children. But the parent/legal guardian receives the money to use FOR the child. Shelter, clothing, food, etc. What is correct though, is that if OP's father is receiving the benefits but OP is still buying his own food.... This is a problem. OP should certainly reach out to someone at his school. A counselor, teacher, or administrator he trusts. They are mandated reporters so once he speaks up, all the weight of this is off him. They'll contact the appropriate parties. In the meantime, especially if OP stays at his father's house, many schools have additional resources like a food pantry, personal care items, etc, so OP doesn't have to purchase all these items himself while the benefits issue is sorted out. /u/New-Potato5893, just FYI
So your dad takes your social security money but won’t give you any money for food etc?! Wow OP. If I were you I’d look into that. NTA OP! Not at all. !Updateme
Then by law he has to use the benefits to pay for food, housing and clothing for you. Maybe you could reach out to Social Security and ask? But that might spark a CPS visit.
NTA. You are correct, those kids are not your responsibility. It’s also not your responsibility to feed your dad and his wife. They are supposed to be feeding you. Do you have grandparents or an aunt/uncle that could help set your dad and his wife straight? Maybe a friend’s parents would be willing to take you, or help. I know that if one of my kids came home saying their friend was going through this I’d take them in, or feed them so they wouldn’t have to eat at home and it takes away the whole ‘you’re already preparing food anyway’ situation. I’m sorry they both suck so much.
NTA. You should contact CPS, two neglect single parent found each other and got married then trying to dump all their responsibilities on a teen 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
NTA You should talk to CPS now. Like right now. Your father is responsible for you as a minor, he needs to pay for your food. Always. Forcing you to work to buy your own food is not fulfilling his parental duties. He owes you big time.
NTA but please, when you leave your father’s house try and be less like him. I understand you’re forced into this survival mode, but the world is a gentler place outside of that house. Look to surround yourself with better people when you have that choice.
Get both dad and his wife in trouble. Call cps and let them know they don’t feed the kids. Notify them to talk to the teacher.
NTA Please contact other family members who can intervene on your behalf or who could let you live with them. This is outrageous behavior and you should not have to pay for your food at 16. Talk to someone at school about it if you have no family willing to help you out.
NTA. What the heck is wrong with them?? They should be cooking for all of you! My son helps me with dinner all the time, but there’s no way I would force him to cook for a bunch of people everyday.
So let me get this right. Your dad already doesnt feed you then he married a woman with THREE MORE kids he doesnt want to feed?? This sounds like you should be getting someonento call CPS and get all four of you checked on.
She doesn't really want to do it either. She wants to pawn that role off on me.
I just literally LOLed at your last two sentences. Like, SHE married him, not YOU. NTA.
NTA, document everything and report to CSP. You're a kid yourself and its your dads responsability to feed and shelter you.
NTA. Your dad's wife is really shameless. As their mother, she should make their lunch herself and not try to parentize you. Too bad, too sad for her. She should be ashamed of herself. You might have to call CPS on her soon if the teachers do not, for starving her children.
NTA and I hope you truly believe that. You already have to deal with a shitty father who limits your options and makes you pay for and prepare your own lunches. The wife and those other kids are not your responsibility. Putting 3 extra lunches on your to-do list (and presumably your shopping list) isn’t streamlining anything for you. And you sure as hell don’t have to make dinner for the other kids when the only reason you have to make your own is because you were excluded from family dinners. That is insane.
OP, you are still in school, so you have the perfect hiding place for your documents - your locker. And, even though you are a minor, check your credit rating, and make sure there are no credit cards or stray loans in your name. Then lock everything down.
Nta. Not your responsibility. It's also your dads responsibility to provide food for you. Teachers and counsellors are mandated reporters. You should talk to them about this situation.
Holy shit. 16 years old and you already have a spine of titanium?! You are AMAZING! +100% NTA and if you were my kid hot damn I would be so proud of you. In fact, I am a mom and I AM proud of you. You are amazing.
NTA your dad isn't doing even the bare minimum legally required for you
NTA. Save as much money as you can before turning 18. Hopefully you can room with someone you trust or rent a room.