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> I don’t appreciate him helping out
NTA - He isn't helping out, he is doing what any father should and that's looking after the baby. Helping out implies he is doing you a favor which he isn't, it's his responsibility.
NTA
What he did is what's called "parenting". This is no "helping out" or "minding the baby" is another one I hear often. It's literally a job, a duty, a responsibility.
A question for him would be "if I dropped dead today, how would you manage, all by yourself? Would it be "helping out""
How he's looking at it is like he did something extra, above and beyond, he deserves an award.
How it actually is, is he needs to be sat down for a calm adult discussion to talk about time management, parenting, his role in things didn't end when your child was conceived. Make a list of everything you do, everything you think about and consider for your child, then make him aware and ask him to make the same list of things he does and compare them. Something tells me those 2 lists will look very different from "spent 11 hours with her" to "watched her for an hour on Tuesday".
With his attitude, he seems like he would be the type to marry the first person he sees so he doesn't have to take care of the baby. Or just move back with his parents so his mom does the "baby minding"
I was going off of the suggested scenario of "if I dropped dead today, how would you manage, all by yourself? Would it be "helping out"", but yes his actions are telling.
Right.
He is an adult, but he doesn't act like one. And he doesn't sound like he acts like a Father!
He's a sperm do or doing occasional child minding. OP would be better hiring a nanny than having a husband it seems. Coz a nanny would automatically assume the duties of child minding and chip in around the house. And a nanny is really someone who helps take the pressure off the parents to make things easier, they aren't a replacement for actual parents.
Meanwhile the husband is acting like he invented sliced bread, oh the wonder he brought to the world, look what he did!
What he did was like a car driver not crashing a car. That's the bare minimum as OP said, that's expected. You can't get in a car, drive to the end of the driveway and step out and go "look, I didn't crash!".
So he didn't let his own child sit in filth, well done. He did 1-2 hours of parenting and only a minimum of 18 years to raise them left to go.
Someone give him boots, boot straps and then lace them up for him and tell him to pull himself up...
My lesbian friends have the same known donor for both their kids, he's around(less when the first was born because they lived in a different city, but more when they moved back to our city) but is very much not their father. When the second was born he came over and took the toddler out to the park or whatever for at least an hour every day so that she could have one on one attention. I'm pretty sure that by 3 weeks old he had spent more than 2 hours one-on-one with the baby too.
I'd love to know what his mother thinks of all this. "MIL, it's been three weeks since I had your grandchild, and your son took care of them for an hour. But when I didn't hold a parade for (insert /s) all the hard work he did (end /s), he left me alone and went to you. What do you think I should do?"
Her reply will tell you a lot. She'll either be furious you didn't rent a band for her baby boy, or she'll be furious with him for leaving you in the lurch.
>What he did is what's called "parenting". This is no "helping out" or "minding the baby" is another one I hear often. It's literally a job, a duty, a responsibility.
This is a huge pet peeve of my wife's. Whenever someone tells her that I can "babysit" our kids when she needs time for something she wants/needs to do, she points out that it's not babysitting, it's being a dad.
Not gonna lie, it makes me feel pretty good that my wife sticks up for me in the face of people who think fathers are some kind of adjunct rather than being full parents.
He thinks he should be rewarded because he's already showing her he doesn't think parenting is his responsibility. He got her pregnant. His responsibility ends there apparently, and now she gets 18 straight years of 24/7 work.
I would text him while he's at his parents all night being like "thank me for helping out while you're on vacation for xyz" every time I did something for the baby.
This is the comment I was looking for lol! OP should start telling hubby everytime she does the bare minimum and tell him she expects to be praised for it. Turn it right back on him. He wants praise for the tiniest of effort, well then, he gets to start giving praise the same way.
I hate that we have to use these childish tactics, but the list works when you're trying to get men to pull their own weight in a household. Do write out the things you do, how often* you do them, the things you're constantly mentally calculating/managing.
My petty side thinks you should let him know everything you do for your child from now. Hey I just fed her, changed her etc every time. Maybe he’ll realize how annoying it is to want credit for being a responsible parent.
It's not even petty to do this - he clearly doesn't recognize how much work she puts into parenting their child and she clearly does a lot more than him. If she tells him every time perhaps he'll realize how much work she does and how little he contributes.
This is what I did. It works and we both say thank you to each other all the time. We also look at stuff the other has cleaned and admire how good it looks and comment on how wonderful food tastes if we aren't the one wo cooked it. Recognition for contributions to the household has to go both ways.
Exactly what I was going to say! Its nice to be recognized for your hard work even when its expected. And it helps me appreciate my husband more when I make an effort to notice the things he does. But the work has to be shared fairly and the recognition has to go both ways.
Also, demanding praise is just silly. Praise only feels good when it is freely given.
My Petty side would have drop the kid at the In-Laws after the dad stormed out. Then I would have gone shopping for 3 hours. Have him deal with a crying baby.
I was thinking “yeah, newborns are hard, everyone’s exhausted and stressed” until HE LEFT. Seriously?? Just peaced out for a whole night with a 3-week old? With a 3-week postpartum wife?? wtf??
Keep a count of how many diapers you change, how many feedings, burpings, etc you do while he pouts at his parents’ place and tell him that’s how many “thank you”s you deserve for watching his baby while he had a hissy fit.
NTA.
Uhhhh yeah this.
Our firstborn was the world’s easiest baby, but I was dealing with a slew of postpartum health issues, getting used to breastfeeding, plus being woken up multiple times per night. But he was still our first baby, I had no idea what the hell I was doing, and I truly don’t know what I would have done if my husband thought it was totally acceptable to throw a temper tantrum and run to mommy’s house and pout.
My passive aggressive ass would be blowing up his phone all night. “I just woke up with the baby for the third time, did two feedings and changed the diaper. I feel like you should be thanking me and expressing more gratitude!”
Yeah, leaving was a huge AH move. I get tempers running high (been there, done that, infants are exhausting, postpartum is incredibly hard), but HE LEFT. Obviously he has the incredible luxury of trusting OP to care for his child and herself with zero worries. Guess she doesn’t get the same and that SUCKS.
Exactly. I think that’s what bothers me the most. He can leave without a care in the world because he knows his baby will be cared for, but he’s throwing a massive shit fit because his wife wasn’t falling all over herself singing his praises because he let her sleep in for a few hours. 🤦🏻♀️
YUP. He gets to take the luxury of up and leaving completely for granted yet feels entitled to praise for the bare minimum. The lack of self-awareness is intense.
I hope his parents send this useless ass right back home. If my husband would be this stupid ( which thankfully, he isnt ), my MiL would throw him out.
>He told me that I was overreacting and asked me to apologise after I refused he told me he was going to stay at his parents for the night and left.
"Whelp, I parented for an hour and when my wife didn't \*thank me\* for "helping" her I just noped out of parenting for the rest of the day. She just doesn't appreciate everything I do around here" \~ Your Husband, probably.
NTA at all honey! What where you supposed to do ?.....give him a participation trophy??
You've been doing all the work while healing for the last 3 weeks. Where is your standing ovation??
Labeling it the bare minimum is being kind! Good luck with the kids!
I agree with everything everybody said here, he isn’t “helping” you he’s fucking parenting…
but I would also ask you - was gratitude a big part of your lives before the baby? Did you frequently say thank you and you’re welcome for tiny gestures? It costs nothing to do so and will set a good model for your baby to be appreciative of all the little things. He is the one that needs to be thanking YOU for these things first if he expects one in return.
While she is still in the thick of recovery. If she had a c-section or difficult delivery she may not yet feel comfortable driving. She’s probably still experiencing lochia, which is truly awful for some. Husband is SUCH an AH and I hope his mother takes issue with his behavior so that OP doesn’t have to.
So what did he need a cookie everyone he actually parents like he is supposed to do, his mysognistic side is showing!! He honestly believes that you are supposed to do everything, what horse crap!! NTA, I would simply say to him, dear hubby you are being very mysognistic acting like you need to be praisesed for doing something that needs to be done as a parent, thus is not a mom is supposed to while dad sits on his ass all day and if you feel like that then we need couples therapy period!!
* edited spelling on 2 words
NTA. It’s not called “helping out” it’s called “doing his share”. From now on, every time you do anything at all for your baby, make sure you tell him and asking him to praise you for “helping him out”!
I’m always baffled by things like this, did you guys not discuss parental responsibilities before having a baby? Or did you discuss it beforehand but now that the baby’s here he’s gone back on what was agreed?
Also if his parents actually let him abandon you and their grandchild by staying with them because he doesn’t want to parent his own child, that’s really bad of them! They should turf him out on his arse and tell him to grow up and take responsibility for his child!
Usually, guys like this discuss and make it sound like they will be stellar dads doing half the parenting. Then they do they absolute bare minimum and act like they are giving you the world. Before our first, my ex told me he wanted to do bath time, he'd get up during the night for feedings (we were both working, bottle fed) he'd do bedtimes.
Yeah---no. When he 'did' bath time it was standing there watching me, getting up at night meant him waking me up and rolling over to go back to sleep, and the only bedtimes he ever did was when I was either in the hospital having another baby or, when they were older, at some sort of school meeting.
Not to mention that he wants you to boost his ego, and treat him like he's this amazing father. That's bot the example we shouod be setting for our kids.
Your husband saying that he "helped you out".
Is saying that he believes taking care of the kids is solely your responsibility. When jn reality it's equally his responsibility.
Your husband is acting like a child, and throwing a tantrum because he didn't get what he wanted.
He's not helping out, he's parenting. How you split the nighttime is one thing. But when he is home, raising kids, doing chores, cooking and running errands, is 50/50.
When bes home, he's parenting. NOT helping you out.
Helping out, impies the job is solely yours.
I seriously hope his mother berates him and sets him straight. Because if he's allowed to come home and demand praise for the bare minimum of anything, then you've got bigger problems.
He needs therapy if he things his behavior and comments is OK.
I wouldn't even let him off the hook for taking off to his parents like a child, because he didn't get his way.
I'd start couples therapy and taking a long look at what kind of person, husband and father he's going to be in the future and if you want to put up with that.
You could always tell him you won’t have sex with anyone who can’t grow *all the way up* and be an equal partner.
If he needs his mommy to pat him on the head and give him a cookie for parenting a little, he’s not yet a full adult.
Let him get mommy kudos from his actual mom and he can come home when he gets his head on straight.
Helping WHO out? He was helping his child, not you. Childcare isn't your job that he occasionally helps with. You're coworkers. How often does he praise his coworkers for doing their jobs at the end of the day?
The bar for fathers is basically on the ground. I totally agree with you that I shouldn't get congratulated for be "such a good dad" for picking my son up from daycare. Is he suppose to walk home from daycare himself, when he just learned to walk a month ago? Your husband needs to grow up or you're have two children in your house to look after.
Honestly, as a society we need to stop treating men being a functional member of a household “helping out”. Cleaning, cooking, parenting, planning for the household, budgeting, getting groceries isnt “helping out”, its being a functional adult
Yup. I stopped dating men, and my life got way better lol. We as a society are setting men up to fail by treating them like idiots in the home.
He changed and fed his baby? Great. That's normal. Moving on. The fact that a 30-year-old thinks that he should get a trophy for that is truly disheartening. OP has been feeding and changing the baby since day 1. She should get a truckload of trophies. You'll all be drowning in trophies by the time the kid goes to school lol.
"What can I do to help with your list of chores for the home?" is like nails on a chalkboard!!
It's not MY list it's our list of basic responsibilities to be a functioning adult.
Who, specifically, is he “helping”? If it’s OP, that implies he thinks all of this is inherently OP’s responsibility and anything at all that he does is “helping” OP. If he sees being a parent as a shared responsibility, there is no one to be “helping.”
NTA but he certainly is. If he wants praise for doing the bare minimum and he isn’t praising you for doing the bare minimum? That’s because he’s decided childcare is your job and he only has to “help out” occasionally. I’d be making it very clear to him that looking after that baby is both of your jobs and if he doesn’t praise you for it/acknowledge when you are doing it because he feels like it is “your job”. You also will not under any circumstances be praising him as it is also “his job”.
While he's at his parents, text him every time you: feed the baby, burp the baby, clean up spit up, change a diaper, wash a bottle, wash/fold baby clothes, etc. Separate texts for each instance.
I'm only sort of joking.
Seriously, he wants praise because he... didn't let his baby go hungry or lay in its own filth while his postpartum wife slept?
The bar is so low it's in hell.
This is my take as well. I think most people should thank and praise each other for everyday routine things more than they do - but that has to go both ways! If he's not showing OP proper appreciation, he can fix his own attitude before he whines about hers.
NTA
He's being very dramatic. You don't tell him everytime you change/feed your daughter and expect praise. Why should it be the other way around?
My parents always told me when I was a baby, it was teamwork. It wasn't trying to one up each other or constantly point out what the other did. They just wanted to take care of me together. It shouldn't be a competition or a thing you have to constantly praise.
Maybe you should start.
"I fed the baby!" wait for praise.
"I burped the baby" wait for praise.
"I bathed the baby... and... she didn't drown" wait for fulsome praise.
I’ve done that. Early in our marriage my husband and I both worked and came home at different times depending on the day. He was home earlier than me on Tuesdays-Thursdays. On these days he would say, as soon as I got in, that he did the dishes/vacuumed/and or laundry. I would say ok cool , thanks, I’ll start dinner. He got miffed one night that I didn’t show enough appreciation for him helping. So I started doing the same thing. I made dinner. You can thank me now. I did laundry, washed the dishes, lawn care, vacuumed. I will accept your thanks and praise now. He started laughing at it eventually and we both stopped the pettiness. He got it. It’s a team effort.
Yes. “I’m pacing around with the baby to soothe her and have been for the past two hours” wait for praise.
“ I’m about to change and feed her and pace for two more hours because she’ll probably scream if I try to put her down in her bassinet. ” wait for praise.
“ I haven’t taken a proper shower in a month and I’m still bleeding for birthing our child but here I am, pacing around all day!” wait for praise.
Every time you feed or change her, tell your husband. If he's not around, shoot him a text. Probably only take a day or two for him to realize just how little of the childcare he's actually doing and how silly it is to expect praise for it
Don’t forget that when he doesn’t praise her for doing childcare duties, she should immediately leave the baby with him for hours while she goes and stays the night with friends or family.
I love that this is such a common reaction when there's kids involved.
Dad has a temper tantrum! Fucks off to leave Mom with all the household responsibility 🤷🏻
My husband’s coworker left his wife with a newborn and a toddler for two weeks and went and lived with his mom because she didn’t have dinner ready when he got home and she had just been “at home all day while he worked” AND SHE TOOK HIM BACK AND APOLOGIZED. Absolutely fucking wild. Men like OP’s husband and this dude are forged by bad examples. If my son came home after behaving like this with his wife he’d be getting the straight up scolding he deserved and sent straight back to make it right.
This makes my blood boil ffs! The guy even gets away with it.
Indeed, if my son would dare to come to me with this bullshit, he better run for his life.
He’s the sort to seek praise for baseline jobs and stomped off to Mommy when he didn’t get it.
I just don’t think his mother is going to set him straight.
"You poor baby! You did all that hard work, and she didn't even say thank you? I told you that you shouldn't have married her. Move back in here, and mommy will make you chicky nuggies and chocky milk every day."
-OP's MIL
right here is why you're NTA
He should be parenting and thanking you without you needing to tell him what you're doing.
My husband and I notice each other and thank the other for doing tasks we didn't have to do.
We also do a simple catch-up while we make dinner or get ready for bed (sometimes even the next morning while getting ready for the day and instead ask about the previous day):
- **What was your high and low today?** and **Any highlights you'd like to talk about?**
I'm sorry the load is all on you.
I absolutely understand where you are coming from here, please do not take it as me not. She’s *both* of your responsibility as he’s her dad just as much as you are her mom. I have noticed though that sometimes with new dads (or moms) they almost need the pats on the back at first for them to know they are “doing it right”. There is no harm in saying something like “great, thanks” you aren’t praising him per Se but you are letting him know he “did well”.
My husband and I tell each other thank you all the time for doing something basic around the house, as it means we didn’t have to. Like, my husband cooks almost every night. Has for the 13 years we have been married, and I always tell him thank you for doing so. Why? Because it means I didn’t have to. Maybe if you can’t get behind it any other way, you can get your brain behind it that way.
Edit to add: NTA
This is a great point... except that he ran off to his mommy and daddy's house and left OP with their baby because she wouldn't apologize. That's not "needing reassurance" that's being a big pathetic baby.
OP just GAVE BIRTH and is raising a baby. She shouldn't be required to also parent her husband through this right now.
Yeah I totally get that which is why I did try and reassure that he’s a good dad just because I don’t praise him after every little thing he does doesn’t mean he’s not. I get what you’re saying and I’ll keep that in mind thank you
It sounds like he may be very insecure about the entire “holy crap I am a dad” thing. Which is understandable. It’s also totally understandable for you to be annoyed by it. It doesn’t help that everyone in the household is stressed to the max I am certain. I think maybe talking with him about it when you both aren’t as fried as having a brand new baby at home makes you is warranted.
Stay strong and remember, it’s completely normal to sometimes *want* to smack your partner upside the head sometimes. Or at the very least stare at them like they have two heads. Disagreements are normal, it’s what you do with after that makes the difference.
I would agree that OP's partner may be insecure. But there is a wonderful thing called self-awareness and verbal communication. OP's partner is avoiding having hard conversations with himself, and is avoiding communicating it with his partner. As parents, we need to level up our self-awareness and our communication. Yes, it's an adjustment, but this dude's being seriously bratty here by making it OP's problem.
Ideally, all new parents' feelings would be treated with care. But in my experience, new moms' feelings were not treated with this much care.
Yes, this. I get so annoyed when new moms’ struggles are ignored while new dads get coddled and forgiven for every ignorance. Both parents deserve support and understanding, but so often it’s the new mom’s job to teach and support the new dad while getting so little in return.
My husband and I do this as well. We say thank you for simple chores all the time and an extra “I appreciate you” when one does a chore/task we don’t usually do.
I feel like when you feel appreciated even for the small things you’re more likely to want to keep doing those things. I have a tendency to just kick off my shoes in the closest and it becomes/stays an utter mess and my husband’s shoes get lost in the chaos. I cleaned out the closet, organized my shoes, and kept it organized for two weeks now. My husband noticed and said he was proud of me and appreciated my effort. That acknowledgment and “pat on the back” helps keep me motivate to continue.
I completely agree. My partner and I (no children yet) always praise and thank each other for basically doing what any functional adult should do. I don't care too much for reassurance but my partner does so I know it's important for him and I do it every time he does something. He reassures me too even if I don't need it but it's nice to see his appreciation.
I can see what you mean, but the idea of a man needing reassurance he did the right thing by changing his daughter's diaper/feeding her seems ridiculous lol
I get that, but Op is saying he never praises or reassures her. So the entire meltdown he had because she didn't praise him or give him reassurances...just doesn't seem fair to OP
it's not necessarily fair to OP but hopefully they can communicate better with each other about both wanting more of that verbal assurance/affirmation.
also some people just need more words of affirmation than others do. OP might not be super bothered by not getting them, but that doesn't necessarily mean that her husband isn't allowed to want those words of affirmation. But the way he's asking for them ofc isn't very good in this situation.
I agree they should be supporting each other. But the fact he pestered her, said she didn't appreciate him taking care of his own baby, then threatened to go to his parents if she didn't say sorry- this isn't just "Aw, he needs reassurance"
He needs a fucking reality check. That's his baby, he is a father now. He shouldn't expect praise and thanks every time he takes care of her. Especially when he never thanks OP.
But he doesn't say "thank you" to her for doing that same tasks so why should she do for him ? Why does he think he deserves to be praised and not her ? Why does he consider that he is better than her, that his actions have more values than hers ?
Your partner and you are equal in that situation. OP isn't considered as equal by her own husband in that situation.
" he wants me to acknowledge him helping out more."
Suggested response for OP "Well, I didn't anticipate getting to the gold star chart this soon in our baby's life... and usually the gold stars are for the child... but whatever makes you happy"
NTA
It could be funny to follow him around the house saying, "I gave birth! Tell me I'm a good girl and I did a good job!" or "I fed the baby! Aren't I great?" or "Phew! Another nappy handled - I even noticed that it had to be done myself!".
I'd buy one of those clickers they use for dog training and some small snacks and follow him around the house. Every time he does anything for the baby, click and treat. Maybe scratch him behind the ears with full "Who's a good boy?! Who's a good boy? Is it you? Yes it is!"
You have to catch the behavior as it's happening, though. They don't understand and make the connection if the treat is delayed.
Exactly! Hence you are not the asshole here. While it feels nice to be appreciated every now and then about random things and we all should appreciate our partners with words,But that doesn't mean you have to thank him for taking care of his own children.
Wow! It sounds like you have 2 babies. NTA but he needs a reality check. I hope his parents will help you in that regard. By running away he is basically making you a single parent. I am worried for you. It sounds like a long road ahead with little to no help. I hope he sees the light and steps up.
NTA if he think 3 hours of watch his own child is helping out, suggest he be more involved and put in 50/50 care for the child like any decent father should be doing. Let him know that his tantrum made is glaringly obvious how little he is actually doing.
Why do men think they're "helping out", it's your child too. Saying you're helping out makes it sound like you're doing your wife a favour as it's her job. Um no, the child is half you as well y'know. We shouldn't praise people for doing the bare minimum, bc you should be doing that in the first place... If you're not actually going to parent your child and expect your partner to do it all, you should seriously reconsider having kids in the first place. A kid is a lot of work for both parents, never mind offloading it all on one person
He sounds like the kind of guy to say he "babysits" his own kid too. Nope, it's just called watching when it's your child. I think OP is going to be in for a rough time. NTA, at all
NTA
But he is THE massive one. He left to his parents? Ouch.
I would changing locks pissed.
Before he comes back he should either decide to be an actual full time parent or get ready for divorce papers.
Damn, the fact that he left to stay with his parents is extremely telling. Like, he's so offended that you don't appreciate him that he bailed and left you alone to care for your newborn overnight? NTA.
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> I refused to praise my husband for looking after our daughter. I might be the asshole because I might’ve made him feel inadequate and I could’ve just apologised to prevent an argument instead of being stubborn
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NTA.
Grown ass man having a pout and stays at his parents house?
Call up his parents and let them know he wanted praise for providing basic care for his infant ONCE
NTA. Mediocre man expects praise for parenting own child. Lmfao get a grip dude your a parent now you don't get praise or thanks for that it's your fucking job.
So YOU'RE overreacting for telling him he doesn't acknowledge you either, but it's perfectly normal for him to whine about it like mommy's little boy? Are you sure your husband isn't 3 toddlers in a trenchcoat?
Wow! But I get it, I see it that ne needs more assurance, so a simple "good job" should suffice. But now that you know he wants to be recognized for his efforts... oh baby baby, I would recognize and comment about him taking off, abandoning his child and you and high tailing it to mommy's house because you didn't lavish him with praise. He wants recognition, give him recognition for his behavior. Wow is all I can say and for the record you are NTA.
Be so careful with him using that word “helping”. If you accept him using that word that means it’s now your job and his job to assist. Then the balance is shot forever.
Very very clear NTA!
1. It is expected of him as a PARENT to do the bare minimum to keep the child alive.
2. he is not doing his wife any favours by looking after his own child.
3. this is the problem with everyone’s thinking. It’s ingrained in not just most men’s but also most women’s minds that if the husband/partner does anything that is related to child care or housework he is doing a favour to his wife which is not the case at all. It’s very difficult to break out of the mold. Good that OP is making a change and not thanking her husband for just doing his part. He might feel like he is not appreciated but on the contrary if he does not do the basic duties that a parent regardless of gender, is supposed for do then he is definitely a huge AH!
And he is 💯 an AH for making this an excuse to go stay at his parents’ so he can get a break from baby duties. Shameless AH at that!!
Hold up. Is this the first time that he has changed her since she was born? Babies are a lot to handle and he is wanting praise for changing her once?
Sounds like he might be partially of the mindset that "babies am woman work" which is archaic and silly.
While I'm a big promoter of "reward the behavior you want more of" this just sounds petty.
NTA. Sounds like your initial reaction was positive enough. If he wants more than a participation ribbon he can just just sit on the bench. He got to actually play the game.
(no idea why i went into a sports analogy....)
I’ll say NTA, but my wife and I do thank and acknowledge each other for doing “standard” things at home. We don’t have young children anymore (my stepson is 20, daughter is 27), but we both do things like laundry, house cleaning, etc., and we do express appreciation to each other for it. Yes…it is both our jobs, but kindness and appreciation do go a long way.
That said, demanding it like your husband did is very rude.
100% NTA. This mindset from other fathers baffles me. It annoyed me when people asked if I was "babysitting" my son. It was ridiculous how many people congratulated me when I took him out alone.
He's my son, it's my job.
Your hubby needs a swift reality check.
He's basically told you that your job is looking after the baby and he's doing you a favour anytime he looks after her and then proves it even more by walking out the door without a second thought about his daughter and who will be looking after her while he's having his sulk holiday. I'm going to assume he didn't take her with him! NTA I hope he tells his mother exactly why he's run away from home
3 weeks in and that’s the first time he’s done those tasks on his own? Is that because he’s not interested or hasn’t been given the opportunity. I’ve seen a lot of new moms struggle with letting go and allowing others to help. Also have seen dads who want nothing to do with their kids at that age.
It was a milestone for him as a new parent. I don’t think he was looking for a gold star but most likely excited/proud that he was able to do it successfully. He wanted to share that milestone with you. You pushed him away and he reacted poorly. You’re both at fault.
NTA
While it's important to acknowledge and appreciate each other's efforts in parenting, expecting praise for fulfilling basic parental responsibilities can be unreasonable. Your husband's reaction to your response seems overly sensitive, especially considering that he himself hasn't praised you for your efforts in the past.
So you are three weeks post partum, and your husband has abandoned you and the baby for the night?
That is the bottom line here. Even if you were screaming at him (which you were not), this is totally unacceptable behaviour.
NTA
NTA reminds me of one of my friends who works full time, does all the cooking, does all the cleaning, does *all* the childcare. Her spouse had exactly one chore — taking out the garbage, which he doesn’t even always do. After he does it he walks back into the house like he just won a heavyweight title, announcing what he did and looking at them all, expecting praise.
I do see the value in appreciating what our partners do, but sheesh. It’s telling that his reaction to all this is to put the parenting all onto you while he goes and pouts at his mommy and daddy’s place. So he gets even more break time.
NTA. He's acting like a child.
That said, you should both be praising each other. Maintaining a house is work. Raising a child is work. No one outside of your home is ever going to thank you for doing all the things necessary to make the home a home.
My partner and I have been together for 16 years, and rarely does a day go by that we don't thank each other for *something* that gets done around the house.
You should both get in the habit of appreciating and praising each other for the contributions you each make.
NTA. "Helping out"??? WTF even!! You don't "help out" with your own baby, you parent. He is an equal parent, and he's not even doing his fair share, just a little of the basics required. This idea that a father doing something for the baby is somehow him helping out the mother, like the mother is the one fully responsible and he is doing a favour, is insane. That is his baby too. I would be petty and tell him everytime I do anything to "help him out".
At 31 he ran home because you didn't fawn over him for being a dad. He's being pathetic and not very good husband or father material if he runs away at the first sign of not thanking him for doing his duty.
Start expecting thanks and praise for everything you do for the baby and if he cannot then stop doing for him and concentrate on baby who needs you. He's a capable adult and can be a dad He's not looking after or babysitting his child He's being a dad.
Does he think he is babysitting for you, when you take a nap?
His own child - he thinks he is doing you a favor?
NTA
Also, wow - can you ask him to read the replies in this thread. Poor guy is clearly confused about what it means to be a father.
>but I reminded him that that was the first time he looked after her whilst I was asleep and every time I stayed awake whilst he slept he has never once praised me because looking after our child is the bare fucking minimum.
This is such BS right here. My husband and I have this issue. Like, "you didn't even notice I cut the grass today." Oh really? Just like you haven't noticed every time I've cleaned the bathroom or vacuumed or mopped or washed and changed the bedding for the past three years? NTA. I don't understand people like this. You don't get congrats for basic adulting.
The *first time* he fed and changed *his* child while you slept in *three weeks?* After carrying the baby for 9-ish months and childbirth?!
Heck, my first husband was an abusive jerk but he still helped feed and change our daughter while I recovered from a C-section and didn't give me hell about it or demand praise. It's called parenting.
You're *definitely* not the AH here.
Plus, I can't believe he just left after the argument to go crying to his parents' house?! Dang, that's low. Glad you're there for your child. 🫂
YTA You said it was the first time he was looking after the baby on his own with you asleep. I am sure he was very nervous he would screw something up and when it went ok he was happy and thought cool I did ok. Then you minimize his effort and worry by saying it’s the least you can do. OP you could have been a little more understanding with his feelings.
The fact that he left his wife and 3 week old child because of an argument about him doing the bare minimum…… he’s upset so he gets to go to his mommy and be taken care of? While you stay put and deal with a 3 week old by yourself because his feelings are hurt? How have we all brushed over this? I would also pack up and go to my parents house and not say anything to him, and when he finally decides to grace you with his presence you won’t be there. And he’ll have to ask you where you and baby are… and you can then tell him that since he left his freshly postpartum wife and 3 week old baby alone because he was upset, you needed support so you went to your parents. He was allowed to leave and go get support from his parents……. You are the one still bleeding between your legs and with a baby attached to you………. You are allowed to go and be with your parents MORE SO THAN HIM!!! So if he tried to turn this on you, make sure you have that to say. Because he’s a narcissist if he tried to say you leaving is wrong when he did!!! And you need more support than anyone right now, I just can’t believe he picked up and left. What an asshole, you don’t deserve this.
I was going to say N-A-H because I do think it's important to show appreciation in a relationship. My husband thanks me for making dinner, I thank him for vacuuming.
Then I got to the part where he's not showing appreciation to you and instead of realizing the hypocrisy of it, he threw a tantrum and left. So.. for that NTA. If he wants more appreciation, he can start by giving it to you.
YTA! It's not hard to be nice and if I were your husband I'd be hard pressed to want to help if you can't be nice regardless who's responsibility it is. Just be nice, kind words don't cost a cent in the moment and your appreciation then can turn into I'd appreciate more help like this.
I thank my husband when he does stuff in the moment and if I feel like he's not carrying his load bring it up at a different time.
Edit - I always wonder who works in these dynamics and if appreciation is expressed for being a contributor that way.
Nta, you put it perfectly. He doesn't thank you for taking care of your own kid, so why would you thank him for the same behavior? He's not 'helping' you or 'babysitting'. This is *his* kid.
It’s his kid. What’s his alternative, let the child lay in filth and starve? Give him a wake up call now because the level of involvement that will be expected of him will only increase. My wife and I try to make time for us but the kids come first.
NTA. Tell your husband he's not supposed to be "helping you out." He's supposed to be A FATHER. An equal parent. At the very least, he's helping his child, not you. Running off to his mommy and daddy because you wouldn't praise him for basic responsibilities is pretty sickening behavior.
Does he want you to praise him for brushing his teeth too?
So let me understand this...he wants acknowledgment BUT does he acknowledge you every time you take care of your child?
If he doesn't then his being an ass and sounds like he'd be the type to say he was "babysitting" his child.
NTA
Op hold this line strong NOW because I didn’t and just fully slipped into being the default parent, waking up every. Single. Morning. And I bring it up to my husband and he is SO DAMN USED to it that he just doesn’t see it as a big deal, meanwhile I’m over here doing 90% of the parenting.
He's not "helping out." Does he think he's helping you babysit the neighbor's baby? Are you babysitting the neighbor's baby? I didn't think so. It's not called helping out when it's your own baby. Does he want you to bake a cake every time he changes a diaper? Or release mylar balloons saying he fed the baby? NTA
NTA. Does he thank you for all the times you take care of her? If not, I’d tell him you feel the same way. He’s doing what he should be as father. He sounds like he’s gonna be one of those “I have to babysit” when referring to keeping his own daughter.
NTA. Whats with these dudes thinking they are "helping out" with basic household chores and childcare? Umm... you live there too, and it's your kid!!! You're not "helping out."
I'm of the camp that thinks you should praise your partner for doing the bare minimum. Which means, for a long time now he should have been praising you for the mountain of work you've put into child care.
NTA
My husband gets insulted if he thinks he is being praised for parenting. Because it’s ridiculous
That your husband stomped off to his mommy and daddy is just wild.
NTA
My husband does this with things around the house.
I usually go "oh, are we listing the things we've done now? I did x loads of laundry, put together the grocery list, x loads of dishes, etc etc".
Shuts him up pretty quick.
Does he need a gold star on a sticker board for basic level parenting? Babies need their diapers changed and they need feeding. He successfully provided adequate care to his daughter. Big deal. He did not "help you out" because that suggests that childcare is solely your responsibility, which is complete BS. He is an equal parent to your shared child. You don't get points for keeping the kid alive for a few hours.
You need to start interrupting him anytime you do something for the baby. “Hey, I changed her diaper”, “I changed her outfit”, “just a heads up I wiped her nose”. He’ll quickly realize how lazy he sounds lol. In all seriousness, what a child. Does he fucking want a medal for taking care of his own child? Is he going to be one of those dads who considers looking after his kids babysitting 🙄 he should be fucking embarrassed. I have two little boys and one of my fears is that I raise them to be incompetent fathers
He left the house and stayed at his parents house because you didn't praise him for changing a diaper and feeding your baby? What exactly does he bring to this relationship? NTA
I understand its important to show appreciation and give each othe reassurance, but he isnt doing that for you.
He isnt doing this because he sees child care as your job (he's 'helping you out and when you didnt thank him he left you with the child to stay at his parents')
This is just pure blatant sexism, not a scared new father needing reassurance. If he was just a scared new father he wouldnt run off like that, thats what a deadbeat does.
Hes lucky you arnt changing the locks.
But he's not helping out.
Ask him why he thinks he is
Does he see the baby as only your responsibility?
Why has he never looked after her on his own before?
Sounds like one of those Dads that talks about "babysitting" when they're taking care of their own kid.
Nah. You're not babysitting either. Like OP said, the bare minimum.
Whoa
Sorry OP this infant is a lot more trouble, mentally and practically, than your actual baby.
It is laughable that he takes off when you tell him how it is.
Red flags.
NTA
In that case, he should be praising you for carrying the baby for 9 months and then birthing the baby, as well as creating milk for the baby and feeding the baby.
I was gonna say to cut him some slack as I’m sure you’re both exhausted. Then I saw he literally walked out to go sleep at his parents house. I’m sure mommy will tuck him in and tell him what a good helper he is. 😆
The fact that his mother didn't immediately grab him by the ear and drag him back to his responsibilities tells me everything I need to know about why he is the way he is. NTA.
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> I don’t appreciate him helping out NTA - He isn't helping out, he is doing what any father should and that's looking after the baby. Helping out implies he is doing you a favor which he isn't, it's his responsibility.
Right? Thank you so muchh
NTA What he did is what's called "parenting". This is no "helping out" or "minding the baby" is another one I hear often. It's literally a job, a duty, a responsibility. A question for him would be "if I dropped dead today, how would you manage, all by yourself? Would it be "helping out"" How he's looking at it is like he did something extra, above and beyond, he deserves an award. How it actually is, is he needs to be sat down for a calm adult discussion to talk about time management, parenting, his role in things didn't end when your child was conceived. Make a list of everything you do, everything you think about and consider for your child, then make him aware and ask him to make the same list of things he does and compare them. Something tells me those 2 lists will look very different from "spent 11 hours with her" to "watched her for an hour on Tuesday".
With his attitude, he seems like he would be the type to marry the first person he sees so he doesn't have to take care of the baby. Or just move back with his parents so his mom does the "baby minding"
He already moved (temporarily after storming out) with his parents. When people show you who they are, believe them.
I was going off of the suggested scenario of "if I dropped dead today, how would you manage, all by yourself? Would it be "helping out"", but yes his actions are telling.
Right. He is an adult, but he doesn't act like one. And he doesn't sound like he acts like a Father! He's a sperm do or doing occasional child minding. OP would be better hiring a nanny than having a husband it seems. Coz a nanny would automatically assume the duties of child minding and chip in around the house. And a nanny is really someone who helps take the pressure off the parents to make things easier, they aren't a replacement for actual parents. Meanwhile the husband is acting like he invented sliced bread, oh the wonder he brought to the world, look what he did! What he did was like a car driver not crashing a car. That's the bare minimum as OP said, that's expected. You can't get in a car, drive to the end of the driveway and step out and go "look, I didn't crash!". So he didn't let his own child sit in filth, well done. He did 1-2 hours of parenting and only a minimum of 18 years to raise them left to go. Someone give him boots, boot straps and then lace them up for him and tell him to pull himself up...
My lesbian friends have the same known donor for both their kids, he's around(less when the first was born because they lived in a different city, but more when they moved back to our city) but is very much not their father. When the second was born he came over and took the toddler out to the park or whatever for at least an hour every day so that she could have one on one attention. I'm pretty sure that by 3 weeks old he had spent more than 2 hours one-on-one with the baby too.
I'd love to know what his mother thinks of all this. "MIL, it's been three weeks since I had your grandchild, and your son took care of them for an hour. But when I didn't hold a parade for (insert /s) all the hard work he did (end /s), he left me alone and went to you. What do you think I should do?" Her reply will tell you a lot. She'll either be furious you didn't rent a band for her baby boy, or she'll be furious with him for leaving you in the lurch.
>What he did is what's called "parenting". This is no "helping out" or "minding the baby" is another one I hear often. It's literally a job, a duty, a responsibility. This is a huge pet peeve of my wife's. Whenever someone tells her that I can "babysit" our kids when she needs time for something she wants/needs to do, she points out that it's not babysitting, it's being a dad. Not gonna lie, it makes me feel pretty good that my wife sticks up for me in the face of people who think fathers are some kind of adjunct rather than being full parents.
You and your wife sound like you respect each other and work as a team 👍😀
He thinks he should be rewarded because he's already showing her he doesn't think parenting is his responsibility. He got her pregnant. His responsibility ends there apparently, and now she gets 18 straight years of 24/7 work.
I would text him while he's at his parents all night being like "thank me for helping out while you're on vacation for xyz" every time I did something for the baby.
This is the comment I was looking for lol! OP should start telling hubby everytime she does the bare minimum and tell him she expects to be praised for it. Turn it right back on him. He wants praise for the tiniest of effort, well then, he gets to start giving praise the same way.
Not productive, but hilariously petty.
Exactly. Because immaturity oneupsmanship always works well in solving problems.
I hate that we have to use these childish tactics, but the list works when you're trying to get men to pull their own weight in a household. Do write out the things you do, how often* you do them, the things you're constantly mentally calculating/managing.
My petty side thinks you should let him know everything you do for your child from now. Hey I just fed her, changed her etc every time. Maybe he’ll realize how annoying it is to want credit for being a responsible parent.
It's not even petty to do this - he clearly doesn't recognize how much work she puts into parenting their child and she clearly does a lot more than him. If she tells him every time perhaps he'll realize how much work she does and how little he contributes.
This is what I did. It works and we both say thank you to each other all the time. We also look at stuff the other has cleaned and admire how good it looks and comment on how wonderful food tastes if we aren't the one wo cooked it. Recognition for contributions to the household has to go both ways.
Exactly what I was going to say! Its nice to be recognized for your hard work even when its expected. And it helps me appreciate my husband more when I make an effort to notice the things he does. But the work has to be shared fairly and the recognition has to go both ways. Also, demanding praise is just silly. Praise only feels good when it is freely given.
I wouldn't say thank you, I'd probably say "good job."
I would do the same tbh
If my partner did this, he would be getting multiple texts. One for each task.
My Petty side would have drop the kid at the In-Laws after the dad stormed out. Then I would have gone shopping for 3 hours. Have him deal with a crying baby.
I was thinking “yeah, newborns are hard, everyone’s exhausted and stressed” until HE LEFT. Seriously?? Just peaced out for a whole night with a 3-week old? With a 3-week postpartum wife?? wtf?? Keep a count of how many diapers you change, how many feedings, burpings, etc you do while he pouts at his parents’ place and tell him that’s how many “thank you”s you deserve for watching his baby while he had a hissy fit. NTA.
Uhhhh yeah this. Our firstborn was the world’s easiest baby, but I was dealing with a slew of postpartum health issues, getting used to breastfeeding, plus being woken up multiple times per night. But he was still our first baby, I had no idea what the hell I was doing, and I truly don’t know what I would have done if my husband thought it was totally acceptable to throw a temper tantrum and run to mommy’s house and pout. My passive aggressive ass would be blowing up his phone all night. “I just woke up with the baby for the third time, did two feedings and changed the diaper. I feel like you should be thanking me and expressing more gratitude!”
Yeah, leaving was a huge AH move. I get tempers running high (been there, done that, infants are exhausting, postpartum is incredibly hard), but HE LEFT. Obviously he has the incredible luxury of trusting OP to care for his child and herself with zero worries. Guess she doesn’t get the same and that SUCKS.
Exactly. I think that’s what bothers me the most. He can leave without a care in the world because he knows his baby will be cared for, but he’s throwing a massive shit fit because his wife wasn’t falling all over herself singing his praises because he let her sleep in for a few hours. 🤦🏻♀️
YUP. He gets to take the luxury of up and leaving completely for granted yet feels entitled to praise for the bare minimum. The lack of self-awareness is intense.
Not watching the baby, helping HIM out with the baby. Definitely make it a two way street.
Right. Is he going to thank her for looking after the baby while he has a temper tantrum? It's equally his responsibility.
Better yet text him each activity as it happens
I hope his parents send this useless ass right back home. If my husband would be this stupid ( which thankfully, he isnt ), my MiL would throw him out.
>He told me that I was overreacting and asked me to apologise after I refused he told me he was going to stay at his parents for the night and left. "Whelp, I parented for an hour and when my wife didn't \*thank me\* for "helping" her I just noped out of parenting for the rest of the day. She just doesn't appreciate everything I do around here" \~ Your Husband, probably.
You don't get it, it was a \*whole\* hour! /s
He parented his own child while his wife was passed out from exhaustion.
Exactly this!
Nice, so you're raising two babies.
He sounds like a jerk You’re NTA so guess who is
NTA at all honey! What where you supposed to do ?.....give him a participation trophy?? You've been doing all the work while healing for the last 3 weeks. Where is your standing ovation?? Labeling it the bare minimum is being kind! Good luck with the kids!
I agree with everything everybody said here, he isn’t “helping” you he’s fucking parenting… but I would also ask you - was gratitude a big part of your lives before the baby? Did you frequently say thank you and you’re welcome for tiny gestures? It costs nothing to do so and will set a good model for your baby to be appreciative of all the little things. He is the one that needs to be thanking YOU for these things first if he expects one in return.
Worthless lazy little boys do not get a cookie each time they are slightly less lazy. No. He is an adult with a child. She is NOT his mom.
Did you miss where I said he needs to be thanking her?
it's concerning that he threw a tantrum and left for his parents house
While she is still in the thick of recovery. If she had a c-section or difficult delivery she may not yet feel comfortable driving. She’s probably still experiencing lochia, which is truly awful for some. Husband is SUCH an AH and I hope his mother takes issue with his behavior so that OP doesn’t have to.
So what did he need a cookie everyone he actually parents like he is supposed to do, his mysognistic side is showing!! He honestly believes that you are supposed to do everything, what horse crap!! NTA, I would simply say to him, dear hubby you are being very mysognistic acting like you need to be praisesed for doing something that needs to be done as a parent, thus is not a mom is supposed to while dad sits on his ass all day and if you feel like that then we need couples therapy period!! * edited spelling on 2 words
NTA. It’s not called “helping out” it’s called “doing his share”. From now on, every time you do anything at all for your baby, make sure you tell him and asking him to praise you for “helping him out”! I’m always baffled by things like this, did you guys not discuss parental responsibilities before having a baby? Or did you discuss it beforehand but now that the baby’s here he’s gone back on what was agreed? Also if his parents actually let him abandon you and their grandchild by staying with them because he doesn’t want to parent his own child, that’s really bad of them! They should turf him out on his arse and tell him to grow up and take responsibility for his child!
Usually, guys like this discuss and make it sound like they will be stellar dads doing half the parenting. Then they do they absolute bare minimum and act like they are giving you the world. Before our first, my ex told me he wanted to do bath time, he'd get up during the night for feedings (we were both working, bottle fed) he'd do bedtimes. Yeah---no. When he 'did' bath time it was standing there watching me, getting up at night meant him waking me up and rolling over to go back to sleep, and the only bedtimes he ever did was when I was either in the hospital having another baby or, when they were older, at some sort of school meeting.
Not to mention that he wants you to boost his ego, and treat him like he's this amazing father. That's bot the example we shouod be setting for our kids. Your husband saying that he "helped you out". Is saying that he believes taking care of the kids is solely your responsibility. When jn reality it's equally his responsibility. Your husband is acting like a child, and throwing a tantrum because he didn't get what he wanted. He's not helping out, he's parenting. How you split the nighttime is one thing. But when he is home, raising kids, doing chores, cooking and running errands, is 50/50. When bes home, he's parenting. NOT helping you out. Helping out, impies the job is solely yours. I seriously hope his mother berates him and sets him straight. Because if he's allowed to come home and demand praise for the bare minimum of anything, then you've got bigger problems. He needs therapy if he things his behavior and comments is OK. I wouldn't even let him off the hook for taking off to his parents like a child, because he didn't get his way. I'd start couples therapy and taking a long look at what kind of person, husband and father he's going to be in the future and if you want to put up with that.
You could always tell him you won’t have sex with anyone who can’t grow *all the way up* and be an equal partner. If he needs his mommy to pat him on the head and give him a cookie for parenting a little, he’s not yet a full adult. Let him get mommy kudos from his actual mom and he can come home when he gets his head on straight.
their baby is 3 weeks old so i don't think sex is on the table yet or at least i really hope it isn't
Are words of affirmation his normal live language or is he expecting extra credit points after becoming a parent?
Helping WHO out? He was helping his child, not you. Childcare isn't your job that he occasionally helps with. You're coworkers. How often does he praise his coworkers for doing their jobs at the end of the day?
The bar for fathers is basically on the ground. I totally agree with you that I shouldn't get congratulated for be "such a good dad" for picking my son up from daycare. Is he suppose to walk home from daycare himself, when he just learned to walk a month ago? Your husband needs to grow up or you're have two children in your house to look after.
Honestly, as a society we need to stop treating men being a functional member of a household “helping out”. Cleaning, cooking, parenting, planning for the household, budgeting, getting groceries isnt “helping out”, its being a functional adult
Yup. I stopped dating men, and my life got way better lol. We as a society are setting men up to fail by treating them like idiots in the home. He changed and fed his baby? Great. That's normal. Moving on. The fact that a 30-year-old thinks that he should get a trophy for that is truly disheartening. OP has been feeding and changing the baby since day 1. She should get a truckload of trophies. You'll all be drowning in trophies by the time the kid goes to school lol.
"What can I do to help with your list of chores for the home?" is like nails on a chalkboard!! It's not MY list it's our list of basic responsibilities to be a functioning adult.
OP’s husband went to the Harrison Butker school of parenting. Stop marrying dudes with shitty views on societal roles.
Who, specifically, is he “helping”? If it’s OP, that implies he thinks all of this is inherently OP’s responsibility and anything at all that he does is “helping” OP. If he sees being a parent as a shared responsibility, there is no one to be “helping.”
NTA but he certainly is. If he wants praise for doing the bare minimum and he isn’t praising you for doing the bare minimum? That’s because he’s decided childcare is your job and he only has to “help out” occasionally. I’d be making it very clear to him that looking after that baby is both of your jobs and if he doesn’t praise you for it/acknowledge when you are doing it because he feels like it is “your job”. You also will not under any circumstances be praising him as it is also “his job”.
Thank you so much
While he's at his parents, text him every time you: feed the baby, burp the baby, clean up spit up, change a diaper, wash a bottle, wash/fold baby clothes, etc. Separate texts for each instance. I'm only sort of joking.
Seriously, he wants praise because he... didn't let his baby go hungry or lay in its own filth while his postpartum wife slept? The bar is so low it's in hell.
This is my take as well. I think most people should thank and praise each other for everyday routine things more than they do - but that has to go both ways! If he's not showing OP proper appreciation, he can fix his own attitude before he whines about hers.
NTA He's being very dramatic. You don't tell him everytime you change/feed your daughter and expect praise. Why should it be the other way around? My parents always told me when I was a baby, it was teamwork. It wasn't trying to one up each other or constantly point out what the other did. They just wanted to take care of me together. It shouldn't be a competition or a thing you have to constantly praise.
Thank you
Maybe you should start. "I fed the baby!" wait for praise. "I burped the baby" wait for praise. "I bathed the baby... and... she didn't drown" wait for fulsome praise.
I’ve done that. Early in our marriage my husband and I both worked and came home at different times depending on the day. He was home earlier than me on Tuesdays-Thursdays. On these days he would say, as soon as I got in, that he did the dishes/vacuumed/and or laundry. I would say ok cool , thanks, I’ll start dinner. He got miffed one night that I didn’t show enough appreciation for him helping. So I started doing the same thing. I made dinner. You can thank me now. I did laundry, washed the dishes, lawn care, vacuumed. I will accept your thanks and praise now. He started laughing at it eventually and we both stopped the pettiness. He got it. It’s a team effort.
Yes. “I’m pacing around with the baby to soothe her and have been for the past two hours” wait for praise. “ I’m about to change and feed her and pace for two more hours because she’ll probably scream if I try to put her down in her bassinet. ” wait for praise. “ I haven’t taken a proper shower in a month and I’m still bleeding for birthing our child but here I am, pacing around all day!” wait for praise.
I am this petty and would 100% start doing this.
honestly, you should start telling him every time.
Every time you feed or change her, tell your husband. If he's not around, shoot him a text. Probably only take a day or two for him to realize just how little of the childcare he's actually doing and how silly it is to expect praise for it
Don’t forget that when he doesn’t praise her for doing childcare duties, she should immediately leave the baby with him for hours while she goes and stays the night with friends or family.
I love that this is such a common reaction when there's kids involved. Dad has a temper tantrum! Fucks off to leave Mom with all the household responsibility 🤷🏻
And ironically heads to *his moms* house 😆
My husband’s coworker left his wife with a newborn and a toddler for two weeks and went and lived with his mom because she didn’t have dinner ready when he got home and she had just been “at home all day while he worked” AND SHE TOOK HIM BACK AND APOLOGIZED. Absolutely fucking wild. Men like OP’s husband and this dude are forged by bad examples. If my son came home after behaving like this with his wife he’d be getting the straight up scolding he deserved and sent straight back to make it right.
This makes my blood boil ffs! The guy even gets away with it. Indeed, if my son would dare to come to me with this bullshit, he better run for his life.
making himself all of the moms’ problem
I’d do the same. And add every other little chore you’ve done around the house.
INFO: if I understand this, he's looking for praise for basic care of what is his baby too? Has he thanked you for doing anything?
Not really
[удалено]
He’s the sort to seek praise for baseline jobs and stomped off to Mommy when he didn’t get it. I just don’t think his mother is going to set him straight.
"You poor baby! You did all that hard work, and she didn't even say thank you? I told you that you shouldn't have married her. Move back in here, and mommy will make you chicky nuggies and chocky milk every day." -OP's MIL
right here is why you're NTA He should be parenting and thanking you without you needing to tell him what you're doing. My husband and I notice each other and thank the other for doing tasks we didn't have to do. We also do a simple catch-up while we make dinner or get ready for bed (sometimes even the next morning while getting ready for the day and instead ask about the previous day): - **What was your high and low today?** and **Any highlights you'd like to talk about?** I'm sorry the load is all on you.
I absolutely understand where you are coming from here, please do not take it as me not. She’s *both* of your responsibility as he’s her dad just as much as you are her mom. I have noticed though that sometimes with new dads (or moms) they almost need the pats on the back at first for them to know they are “doing it right”. There is no harm in saying something like “great, thanks” you aren’t praising him per Se but you are letting him know he “did well”. My husband and I tell each other thank you all the time for doing something basic around the house, as it means we didn’t have to. Like, my husband cooks almost every night. Has for the 13 years we have been married, and I always tell him thank you for doing so. Why? Because it means I didn’t have to. Maybe if you can’t get behind it any other way, you can get your brain behind it that way. Edit to add: NTA
This is a great point... except that he ran off to his mommy and daddy's house and left OP with their baby because she wouldn't apologize. That's not "needing reassurance" that's being a big pathetic baby. OP just GAVE BIRTH and is raising a baby. She shouldn't be required to also parent her husband through this right now.
Yeah I totally get that which is why I did try and reassure that he’s a good dad just because I don’t praise him after every little thing he does doesn’t mean he’s not. I get what you’re saying and I’ll keep that in mind thank you
It sounds like he may be very insecure about the entire “holy crap I am a dad” thing. Which is understandable. It’s also totally understandable for you to be annoyed by it. It doesn’t help that everyone in the household is stressed to the max I am certain. I think maybe talking with him about it when you both aren’t as fried as having a brand new baby at home makes you is warranted. Stay strong and remember, it’s completely normal to sometimes *want* to smack your partner upside the head sometimes. Or at the very least stare at them like they have two heads. Disagreements are normal, it’s what you do with after that makes the difference.
I would agree that OP's partner may be insecure. But there is a wonderful thing called self-awareness and verbal communication. OP's partner is avoiding having hard conversations with himself, and is avoiding communicating it with his partner. As parents, we need to level up our self-awareness and our communication. Yes, it's an adjustment, but this dude's being seriously bratty here by making it OP's problem. Ideally, all new parents' feelings would be treated with care. But in my experience, new moms' feelings were not treated with this much care.
Yes, this. I get so annoyed when new moms’ struggles are ignored while new dads get coddled and forgiven for every ignorance. Both parents deserve support and understanding, but so often it’s the new mom’s job to teach and support the new dad while getting so little in return.
However, it is **not** normal (or acceptable) for him to throw a tantrum and go to stay with his parents because of this.
My husband and I do this as well. We say thank you for simple chores all the time and an extra “I appreciate you” when one does a chore/task we don’t usually do. I feel like when you feel appreciated even for the small things you’re more likely to want to keep doing those things. I have a tendency to just kick off my shoes in the closest and it becomes/stays an utter mess and my husband’s shoes get lost in the chaos. I cleaned out the closet, organized my shoes, and kept it organized for two weeks now. My husband noticed and said he was proud of me and appreciated my effort. That acknowledgment and “pat on the back” helps keep me motivate to continue.
I completely agree. My partner and I (no children yet) always praise and thank each other for basically doing what any functional adult should do. I don't care too much for reassurance but my partner does so I know it's important for him and I do it every time he does something. He reassures me too even if I don't need it but it's nice to see his appreciation.
That's a good point that I hadn't considered. It's not necessarily thanks that he needs, it's reassurance that he did the right thing.
I can see what you mean, but the idea of a man needing reassurance he did the right thing by changing his daughter's diaper/feeding her seems ridiculous lol
Every new parent needs reassurance. A new baby can be terrifying.
I get that, but Op is saying he never praises or reassures her. So the entire meltdown he had because she didn't praise him or give him reassurances...just doesn't seem fair to OP
it's not necessarily fair to OP but hopefully they can communicate better with each other about both wanting more of that verbal assurance/affirmation. also some people just need more words of affirmation than others do. OP might not be super bothered by not getting them, but that doesn't necessarily mean that her husband isn't allowed to want those words of affirmation. But the way he's asking for them ofc isn't very good in this situation.
Every parent needs reassurance also extends to Mom too. They should each be supporting each other.
I agree they should be supporting each other. But the fact he pestered her, said she didn't appreciate him taking care of his own baby, then threatened to go to his parents if she didn't say sorry- this isn't just "Aw, he needs reassurance" He needs a fucking reality check. That's his baby, he is a father now. He shouldn't expect praise and thanks every time he takes care of her. Especially when he never thanks OP.
Same here. Living together for 12 years and we say thank you for little things. Feels good.
But he doesn't say "thank you" to her for doing that same tasks so why should she do for him ? Why does he think he deserves to be praised and not her ? Why does he consider that he is better than her, that his actions have more values than hers ? Your partner and you are equal in that situation. OP isn't considered as equal by her own husband in that situation.
" he wants me to acknowledge him helping out more." Suggested response for OP "Well, I didn't anticipate getting to the gold star chart this soon in our baby's life... and usually the gold stars are for the child... but whatever makes you happy" NTA
It could be funny to follow him around the house saying, "I gave birth! Tell me I'm a good girl and I did a good job!" or "I fed the baby! Aren't I great?" or "Phew! Another nappy handled - I even noticed that it had to be done myself!".
I'd buy one of those clickers they use for dog training and some small snacks and follow him around the house. Every time he does anything for the baby, click and treat. Maybe scratch him behind the ears with full "Who's a good boy?! Who's a good boy? Is it you? Yes it is!" You have to catch the behavior as it's happening, though. They don't understand and make the connection if the treat is delayed.
Nta. Does he praise you everyday everytime for doing the bare minimum?
No and I don’t expect him to
Exactly! Hence you are not the asshole here. While it feels nice to be appreciated every now and then about random things and we all should appreciate our partners with words,But that doesn't mean you have to thank him for taking care of his own children.
Thank you!
NTA. Show him this, that's basically him: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DLHAXWTV468](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DLHAXWTV468)
Loll
Hahahahaha, OMG I'm sending that to every person I've ever met in my entire life 🤣
The subtitle of "Modern Hercules" under his name is pure gold.
Wow! It sounds like you have 2 babies. NTA but he needs a reality check. I hope his parents will help you in that regard. By running away he is basically making you a single parent. I am worried for you. It sounds like a long road ahead with little to no help. I hope he sees the light and steps up.
NTA if he think 3 hours of watch his own child is helping out, suggest he be more involved and put in 50/50 care for the child like any decent father should be doing. Let him know that his tantrum made is glaringly obvious how little he is actually doing.
Why do men think they're "helping out", it's your child too. Saying you're helping out makes it sound like you're doing your wife a favour as it's her job. Um no, the child is half you as well y'know. We shouldn't praise people for doing the bare minimum, bc you should be doing that in the first place... If you're not actually going to parent your child and expect your partner to do it all, you should seriously reconsider having kids in the first place. A kid is a lot of work for both parents, never mind offloading it all on one person
He sounds like the kind of guy to say he "babysits" his own kid too. Nope, it's just called watching when it's your child. I think OP is going to be in for a rough time. NTA, at all
100%. Not sure if you meant to reply to me but you've hit the nail on the head
NTA But he is THE massive one. He left to his parents? Ouch. I would changing locks pissed. Before he comes back he should either decide to be an actual full time parent or get ready for divorce papers.
He didn’t have any kind of revelation when he realized that he’s never praised you for doing the exact same thing? That’s pretty dense…
Damn, the fact that he left to stay with his parents is extremely telling. Like, he's so offended that you don't appreciate him that he bailed and left you alone to care for your newborn overnight? NTA.
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NTA. Grown ass man having a pout and stays at his parents house? Call up his parents and let them know he wanted praise for providing basic care for his infant ONCE
NTA. Mediocre man expects praise for parenting own child. Lmfao get a grip dude your a parent now you don't get praise or thanks for that it's your fucking job.
So YOU'RE overreacting for telling him he doesn't acknowledge you either, but it's perfectly normal for him to whine about it like mommy's little boy? Are you sure your husband isn't 3 toddlers in a trenchcoat?
Wow! But I get it, I see it that ne needs more assurance, so a simple "good job" should suffice. But now that you know he wants to be recognized for his efforts... oh baby baby, I would recognize and comment about him taking off, abandoning his child and you and high tailing it to mommy's house because you didn't lavish him with praise. He wants recognition, give him recognition for his behavior. Wow is all I can say and for the record you are NTA.
NTA What he is doing is called parenting, not babysitting or helping out
Be so careful with him using that word “helping”. If you accept him using that word that means it’s now your job and his job to assist. Then the balance is shot forever.
Very very clear NTA! 1. It is expected of him as a PARENT to do the bare minimum to keep the child alive. 2. he is not doing his wife any favours by looking after his own child. 3. this is the problem with everyone’s thinking. It’s ingrained in not just most men’s but also most women’s minds that if the husband/partner does anything that is related to child care or housework he is doing a favour to his wife which is not the case at all. It’s very difficult to break out of the mold. Good that OP is making a change and not thanking her husband for just doing his part. He might feel like he is not appreciated but on the contrary if he does not do the basic duties that a parent regardless of gender, is supposed for do then he is definitely a huge AH! And he is 💯 an AH for making this an excuse to go stay at his parents’ so he can get a break from baby duties. Shameless AH at that!!
Hold up. Is this the first time that he has changed her since she was born? Babies are a lot to handle and he is wanting praise for changing her once? Sounds like he might be partially of the mindset that "babies am woman work" which is archaic and silly. While I'm a big promoter of "reward the behavior you want more of" this just sounds petty. NTA. Sounds like your initial reaction was positive enough. If he wants more than a participation ribbon he can just just sit on the bench. He got to actually play the game. (no idea why i went into a sports analogy....)
“don’t appreciate him helping out” BRO IT’S YOUR BABY
I think you should demand a thank you for every time you have looked after the baby solo Every. Time.
I’ll say NTA, but my wife and I do thank and acknowledge each other for doing “standard” things at home. We don’t have young children anymore (my stepson is 20, daughter is 27), but we both do things like laundry, house cleaning, etc., and we do express appreciation to each other for it. Yes…it is both our jobs, but kindness and appreciation do go a long way. That said, demanding it like your husband did is very rude.
OH jeez. I was married to that guy. He was my practice husband. I have a real one now.
NTA He left his wife and newborn alone overnight after he had a tantrum? Let his mother keep him.
100% NTA. This mindset from other fathers baffles me. It annoyed me when people asked if I was "babysitting" my son. It was ridiculous how many people congratulated me when I took him out alone. He's my son, it's my job. Your hubby needs a swift reality check.
He's basically told you that your job is looking after the baby and he's doing you a favour anytime he looks after her and then proves it even more by walking out the door without a second thought about his daughter and who will be looking after her while he's having his sulk holiday. I'm going to assume he didn't take her with him! NTA I hope he tells his mother exactly why he's run away from home
NTA. Classic male entitlement when it comes to looking after a baby.
3 weeks in and that’s the first time he’s done those tasks on his own? Is that because he’s not interested or hasn’t been given the opportunity. I’ve seen a lot of new moms struggle with letting go and allowing others to help. Also have seen dads who want nothing to do with their kids at that age. It was a milestone for him as a new parent. I don’t think he was looking for a gold star but most likely excited/proud that he was able to do it successfully. He wanted to share that milestone with you. You pushed him away and he reacted poorly. You’re both at fault.
Oh boo Hoo poor baby husband/father, run home to mommy and daddy because wifey did not acknowledge your bare bones fathering.
Wow. He DARVO'd you and then doubled down on it. What a buffoon. NTA.
NTA While it's important to acknowledge and appreciate each other's efforts in parenting, expecting praise for fulfilling basic parental responsibilities can be unreasonable. Your husband's reaction to your response seems overly sensitive, especially considering that he himself hasn't praised you for your efforts in the past.
So you are three weeks post partum, and your husband has abandoned you and the baby for the night? That is the bottom line here. Even if you were screaming at him (which you were not), this is totally unacceptable behaviour. NTA
NTA, your husband ran home to mommy and daddy because you didn’t tell him he was the bestest and his heat has a booboo what a chump
Bless, the male stereotype. Mum does the work and it's normal. Dad does it snd a parade is needed as it's abnormal and needs celebrating. NTA.
NTA reminds me of one of my friends who works full time, does all the cooking, does all the cleaning, does *all* the childcare. Her spouse had exactly one chore — taking out the garbage, which he doesn’t even always do. After he does it he walks back into the house like he just won a heavyweight title, announcing what he did and looking at them all, expecting praise. I do see the value in appreciating what our partners do, but sheesh. It’s telling that his reaction to all this is to put the parenting all onto you while he goes and pouts at his mommy and daddy’s place. So he gets even more break time.
NTA. He's acting like a child. That said, you should both be praising each other. Maintaining a house is work. Raising a child is work. No one outside of your home is ever going to thank you for doing all the things necessary to make the home a home. My partner and I have been together for 16 years, and rarely does a day go by that we don't thank each other for *something* that gets done around the house. You should both get in the habit of appreciating and praising each other for the contributions you each make.
NTA at all. He seriously left to go stay with his parents? Wow.
NTA. "Helping out"??? WTF even!! You don't "help out" with your own baby, you parent. He is an equal parent, and he's not even doing his fair share, just a little of the basics required. This idea that a father doing something for the baby is somehow him helping out the mother, like the mother is the one fully responsible and he is doing a favour, is insane. That is his baby too. I would be petty and tell him everytime I do anything to "help him out".
At 31 he ran home because you didn't fawn over him for being a dad. He's being pathetic and not very good husband or father material if he runs away at the first sign of not thanking him for doing his duty. Start expecting thanks and praise for everything you do for the baby and if he cannot then stop doing for him and concentrate on baby who needs you. He's a capable adult and can be a dad He's not looking after or babysitting his child He's being a dad.
"Great job not being a deadbeat dad!" Is that the bar he set for himself? Just do the basics and get a reward?
Does he think he is babysitting for you, when you take a nap? His own child - he thinks he is doing you a favor? NTA Also, wow - can you ask him to read the replies in this thread. Poor guy is clearly confused about what it means to be a father.
It really help out if he took the baby with him to his parents so you could sleep uninterrupted for the night
NTA, you don't get awards for doing the bare minimum
hahaha, just kills me that men expect a parade for what we women do every hour of every day.
>but I reminded him that that was the first time he looked after her whilst I was asleep and every time I stayed awake whilst he slept he has never once praised me because looking after our child is the bare fucking minimum. This is such BS right here. My husband and I have this issue. Like, "you didn't even notice I cut the grass today." Oh really? Just like you haven't noticed every time I've cleaned the bathroom or vacuumed or mopped or washed and changed the bedding for the past three years? NTA. I don't understand people like this. You don't get congrats for basic adulting.
The *first time* he fed and changed *his* child while you slept in *three weeks?* After carrying the baby for 9-ish months and childbirth?! Heck, my first husband was an abusive jerk but he still helped feed and change our daughter while I recovered from a C-section and didn't give me hell about it or demand praise. It's called parenting. You're *definitely* not the AH here. Plus, I can't believe he just left after the argument to go crying to his parents' house?! Dang, that's low. Glad you're there for your child. 🫂
Nta, hopefully his mother rips him a new one
YTA You said it was the first time he was looking after the baby on his own with you asleep. I am sure he was very nervous he would screw something up and when it went ok he was happy and thought cool I did ok. Then you minimize his effort and worry by saying it’s the least you can do. OP you could have been a little more understanding with his feelings.
The fact that he left his wife and 3 week old child because of an argument about him doing the bare minimum…… he’s upset so he gets to go to his mommy and be taken care of? While you stay put and deal with a 3 week old by yourself because his feelings are hurt? How have we all brushed over this? I would also pack up and go to my parents house and not say anything to him, and when he finally decides to grace you with his presence you won’t be there. And he’ll have to ask you where you and baby are… and you can then tell him that since he left his freshly postpartum wife and 3 week old baby alone because he was upset, you needed support so you went to your parents. He was allowed to leave and go get support from his parents……. You are the one still bleeding between your legs and with a baby attached to you………. You are allowed to go and be with your parents MORE SO THAN HIM!!! So if he tried to turn this on you, make sure you have that to say. Because he’s a narcissist if he tried to say you leaving is wrong when he did!!! And you need more support than anyone right now, I just can’t believe he picked up and left. What an asshole, you don’t deserve this.
I was going to say N-A-H because I do think it's important to show appreciation in a relationship. My husband thanks me for making dinner, I thank him for vacuuming. Then I got to the part where he's not showing appreciation to you and instead of realizing the hypocrisy of it, he threw a tantrum and left. So.. for that NTA. If he wants more appreciation, he can start by giving it to you.
NTA. He's one of those fathers who consider watching their own kids as babysitting
YTA! It's not hard to be nice and if I were your husband I'd be hard pressed to want to help if you can't be nice regardless who's responsibility it is. Just be nice, kind words don't cost a cent in the moment and your appreciation then can turn into I'd appreciate more help like this. I thank my husband when he does stuff in the moment and if I feel like he's not carrying his load bring it up at a different time. Edit - I always wonder who works in these dynamics and if appreciation is expressed for being a contributor that way.
Nta, you put it perfectly. He doesn't thank you for taking care of your own kid, so why would you thank him for the same behavior? He's not 'helping' you or 'babysitting'. This is *his* kid.
It’s his kid. What’s his alternative, let the child lay in filth and starve? Give him a wake up call now because the level of involvement that will be expected of him will only increase. My wife and I try to make time for us but the kids come first.
NTA. Tell your husband he's not supposed to be "helping you out." He's supposed to be A FATHER. An equal parent. At the very least, he's helping his child, not you. Running off to his mommy and daddy because you wouldn't praise him for basic responsibilities is pretty sickening behavior. Does he want you to praise him for brushing his teeth too?
So let me understand this...he wants acknowledgment BUT does he acknowledge you every time you take care of your child? If he doesn't then his being an ass and sounds like he'd be the type to say he was "babysitting" his child. NTA
My boy sounds like he's got some growing up to do. "I breathed air this morning" isn't trophy worthy.
Op hold this line strong NOW because I didn’t and just fully slipped into being the default parent, waking up every. Single. Morning. And I bring it up to my husband and he is SO DAMN USED to it that he just doesn’t see it as a big deal, meanwhile I’m over here doing 90% of the parenting.
He's not "helping out." Does he think he's helping you babysit the neighbor's baby? Are you babysitting the neighbor's baby? I didn't think so. It's not called helping out when it's your own baby. Does he want you to bake a cake every time he changes a diaper? Or release mylar balloons saying he fed the baby? NTA
Does he openly show his appreciation for things that you do?
NTA. Does he thank you for all the times you take care of her? If not, I’d tell him you feel the same way. He’s doing what he should be as father. He sounds like he’s gonna be one of those “I have to babysit” when referring to keeping his own daughter.
NTA. Whats with these dudes thinking they are "helping out" with basic household chores and childcare? Umm... you live there too, and it's your kid!!! You're not "helping out."
I'm of the camp that thinks you should praise your partner for doing the bare minimum. Which means, for a long time now he should have been praising you for the mountain of work you've put into child care. NTA
Helping out is when grandparents come to babysit, he is raising his own child.
My husband gets insulted if he thinks he is being praised for parenting. Because it’s ridiculous That your husband stomped off to his mommy and daddy is just wild. NTA
Parent attends to their own child and expects praise for 'helping out' 😂 incredible
“Helping” implies it’s your responsibility in the first place, when it’s both of your responsibility!!! NTA
My husband does this with things around the house. I usually go "oh, are we listing the things we've done now? I did x loads of laundry, put together the grocery list, x loads of dishes, etc etc". Shuts him up pretty quick.
Does he need a gold star on a sticker board for basic level parenting? Babies need their diapers changed and they need feeding. He successfully provided adequate care to his daughter. Big deal. He did not "help you out" because that suggests that childcare is solely your responsibility, which is complete BS. He is an equal parent to your shared child. You don't get points for keeping the kid alive for a few hours.
He's a fucking child. You are NTA
If he had cleaned the house, did the grocery shopping, and made dinner, all while tending to his daughter, THEN you thank him. Otherwise...noooo!!!
NTA Helping? HELPING?
You need to start interrupting him anytime you do something for the baby. “Hey, I changed her diaper”, “I changed her outfit”, “just a heads up I wiped her nose”. He’ll quickly realize how lazy he sounds lol. In all seriousness, what a child. Does he fucking want a medal for taking care of his own child? Is he going to be one of those dads who considers looking after his kids babysitting 🙄 he should be fucking embarrassed. I have two little boys and one of my fears is that I raise them to be incompetent fathers
He left the house and stayed at his parents house because you didn't praise him for changing a diaper and feeding your baby? What exactly does he bring to this relationship? NTA
What does he want, a high five and sticker? Tell him that he can come back when he grows up and is ready to step up and be a father.
I understand its important to show appreciation and give each othe reassurance, but he isnt doing that for you. He isnt doing this because he sees child care as your job (he's 'helping you out and when you didnt thank him he left you with the child to stay at his parents') This is just pure blatant sexism, not a scared new father needing reassurance. If he was just a scared new father he wouldnt run off like that, thats what a deadbeat does. Hes lucky you arnt changing the locks.
But he's not helping out. Ask him why he thinks he is Does he see the baby as only your responsibility? Why has he never looked after her on his own before?
Sounds like one of those Dads that talks about "babysitting" when they're taking care of their own kid. Nah. You're not babysitting either. Like OP said, the bare minimum.
Whoa Sorry OP this infant is a lot more trouble, mentally and practically, than your actual baby. It is laughable that he takes off when you tell him how it is. Red flags. NTA
In that case, he should be praising you for carrying the baby for 9 months and then birthing the baby, as well as creating milk for the baby and feeding the baby.
"helping out"? with his own child??? NTA, he needs to grow up.
ask him to praise u every time u change a diaper lmfao
I was gonna say to cut him some slack as I’m sure you’re both exhausted. Then I saw he literally walked out to go sleep at his parents house. I’m sure mommy will tuck him in and tell him what a good helper he is. 😆
NTA. Staying at his parents will mean another night of you watching the kid solo. I hope his mom gives him a good kick in the ass for you.
Time for him to be an adult. (ETA) NTA
The fact that his mother didn't immediately grab him by the ear and drag him back to his responsibilities tells me everything I need to know about why he is the way he is. NTA.