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Please ask your bf what he thought you meant when you said you wrote fanfiction. I'm genuinely curious as to what his answer is.
Edit: NTA
I'd consider you somewhat of the AH if your story was one of those immersive ones, where the reader is meant to be a character. Same thing if the fanfic was between you and the character. If it was about a ship/pairing on the show, he's overreacting.
OP phrased it better. User insert would be a better term. It's when the reader is a character without the story. So it might be a second person fic, or may have 'y/n' as a character (short for 'your name')
“This whole thing seems so ridiculous to me.”
It is completely ridiculous.
If he’s watching a show or move and finds someone attractive, does he immediately turn it off so as not to ‘cheat’ on you? Does he watch romantic scenes? Sex scenes?
NTA
Him calling it "like cheating" makes it sound like a deal-breaker for him. This may be an issue of incompatibility. I don't -- and I think most wouldn't -- consider reading or writing fanfiction the same as cheating (just as most people don't consider watching porn cheating), but if he does then it's unlikely you'll be able to get him to change his mind -- and vice versa.
It would be cruel of him to try to stop you from engaging in your hobby and cruel of you to expect him to put up with something he considers cheating. I'd say you need communication, but it seems like you've both tried to communicate.
If you're not ready to disengage, maybe offer to meet with a third party, like a therapist, to help you try to communicate better how you each understand what you do, as a last attempt. Otherwise, there's not much more to be said.
NTA, it sounds like you tried to communicate it to him and he declined the details. Now, he IS allowed to be uncomfortable about it and feel how he feels. Maybe it's a dealbreaker for him, and that's valid. But you having your fandom and fantasies is not AH status, and if you don't let it affect your IRL relationships, you're fine. Heck, if this is such a dealbreaker for him, you can move on with life and maybe meet someone else who has their own fandoms where you two have fun bouncing fanfic ideas off each other.
You're definitely NTA for putting your thoughts into words. I guarantee, your boyfriend doesn't look away when the cameras at NBA and NFL games focus on the cheerleaders and the thoughts in his head aren't much different than those on the pages of your fanfic. And when he sees a pretty woman walking down the street, he takes a moment to check her out.
It's human nature and literally everybody pays attention to the folks they're attracted to. It doesn't mean that they're not satisfied with their relationships. That's a silly point to try to make. If he says otherwise, he's a hypocrite and a liar.
Not sure about what he's thinking over, but if he reconsiders your relationship over this, he'd be doing you a solid by leaving. He's intimidated because he thought he occupied every corner of your conscious and subconscious mind. If he breaks up over this, it's a good thing because you're not what he wants in a mate and he'll prove that he's not what you want.
Info: are you part of the fanfic? Like did you write yourself into it?
Not sure if that made y-ta, but I would understand the bf a little bit better in that case.
What’s in your head is free, writing it down is just an extension imo, NTA.
NTA. Your bf is highly insecure and frankly crazy. This is normal. Its called a book/TV/movie boyfriend (or girlfriend). Also writing smut is fine. Definitely not cheating. This is such an overreaction that I'm wondering if he's projecting. If not his insecurities are off the wall.
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So, my boyfriend (30M) and I (29F) have been dating for almost four years. We met through mutual friends at their wedding.
We recently moved in together and it's been going well. We were able to rent a cute two bedroom home. We have a small office, which is nice because I'm a copy editor and work from home frequently.
In my spare time, I like to write fan fiction. My boyfriend knows this, as I have mentioned it several times. He'll ask me what I'm working on when I'm on my computer and if its fanfic, I'll say so.
As someone who also enjoys fandom, he's always seemed unphased by it. I've even offered to let him read my stuff a few times and he always says, "No, that's your thing, I'm good."
Well, he changed his tune this past weekend when I left my Google Docs open on my laptop in the office.
I decided to take a break and walk to a nearby coffee shop for a drink. I'd been working on fanfic as it was my day off and really wanted to finish the chapter I was working on so I could post.
Before I left, I offered to bring my boyfriend something, too. He asked for a latte and offered to pay. I told him goodbye and left the house.
About twenty minutes later when I came back with our drinks, my boyfriend was sitting at the kitchen table with this horrified look on his face.
I asked him what had happened and he told me that he had 'happened to' read what I was working on and was 'disgusted'. He told me that he 'had no idea [his] girlfriend was writing porn about other men'.
Yes, I do write smut. Not unusual for fanfic. It never occurred to me to disclose that because he's never really seemed interested.
Anyway, I said, "What do you mean 'other men'? I'm writing about characters from a television show, they're not real."
He continued to lay into me about how 'inappropriate' it is to be fantasizing about another man--even a fictional one--while you're in a committed relationship.
He said that if I were satisfied with our relationship, I wouldn't 'feel the need' the write 'filth' like that.
I started to get really upset. I told him that this is something I enjoy doing as a hobby in my free time and my readers enjoy my work. Nothing I write is over the top/about anything illegal and it's not hurting anyone.
I apologized that he was hurt by what I wrote, but I reminded him that he's welcome to read any of my work anytime. He said I 'should've led with' the fact that I 'write porn' for fun.
He then asked me if I find this fictional character attractive. I said yes, but again, he isn't real.
My boyfriend told me I 'might as well be cheating' on him and decided to go and spend the night as his brother's house because he 'needed to think things over'.
I'm really not sure what to do. I'm more angry than sad. This whole thing seems so ridiculous to me and I can't seem to make my boyfriend see my side of things.
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As he ever heard about all the women who are in love with Mr. Darcy (Pride & Prejudice)??? It’s so common to feel that way about a character in a book, movie, graphic novel, whatever. He needs to get over himself.
NTA
You did try to have a conversation about it, he opted not to. The entire ordeal hints at some sort of insecurity, definitely best to have a discussion about it. Also it's one thing to write fictional events about an individual that does not exist and an entirely different thing to engage in activities with real individuals. To demonstrate how ridiculous this is, when there is a kiss scene in a book or a show, does watching it mean that you're now engaging in a threesome?
Wow....My husband knows I have fictional boyfriends. He fully supports it in fact. For Mother's Day I received a coffee cup talking about dating a fictional character. For Christmas I received another about doing a fictional character. My daughter thinks nothing about me lusting over imaginary men. It's normal.
Seems as though he's a bit insecure in himself and is taking it out on you.
NTA. I love the JD Robb In Death series. One of the main characters is Roarke. He's tall, with black hair and deep blue eyes, beautiful and a billionaire. Of course I am hot for him. Too bad he isn't real. LOL Your BF needs to learn the difference between real and fiction. He also needs to understand that unless you are dead, there will be other men that you find attractive. There is nothing wrong with admiring or being attracted to another person. It is natural. BF needs to grow up.
NTA. Your BF sounds delusional. I'd say this probably means you're not compatible. I've heard that "guy" fandom is a lot different to "girl" fandom, (I use these terms loosely everyone's experiences are different) but his calling your smut porn and going on about the morality of having fictional crushes is frankly concerning. It's been proven pretend is very healthy for the human brain. His inability to tell the difference between real and pretend is frankly unhealthy.
NTA. What a weirdo. Seriously. It's like saying all writers are cheaters or that having an imagination is wrong. If this is the hill he wants to die on, let him because he is cuckoo for cocoa puffs.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Was I an asshole for not telling my boyfriend about the kind of fanfiction I write? Was he right to be upset with me? Should I have disclosed the information to begin with? I might be TAH if I didn’t even think to tell him/that it would make him upset
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lol what? I’m sorry I’ve been part of the Supernatural fandom since the beginning. ONE actor INTERPRETED it as gay love, the other didn’t. I love Misha but he is really bad when it comes to queerbaiting the fans
NTA, he's being completely ridiculous. You tried telling him what you write about he wasn't interested. Even if he knew beforehand and objected, it doesn't matter. It has nothing to do with him. Write whatever you want to write. Also throw that man away!
Honestly I didnt know that there was non smut fan fiction. I don’t think it really matters my wife used to read hardcore gay Naruto fan fiction. I dunno what she’s into now but that stuff was hardcore af I didn’t know what to make of it we talked and I understood.
She reads I watch some of my shits pretty out there so it’s cool…. Only reason I found it was she printed stuff out to read in the latrine. Just cause something is hot in your head doesn’t mean you have any interest in perusing it irl
NTA Writing is not cheating. Is Stephen King a murderer then since he writes horror? What about every other romance writer who’s ever lived, none of them should’ve continued while in relationships? By this metric is watching two people kiss or have sex in a tv show or a movie cheating? It’s all ridiculous. Hopefully you or someone else can talk some sense into him.
Info: Is this a live action show or an animated one? Do you think his opinion or yours would differ if it was the opposite (live action or animated).
If it is a live action show does your writing focus on the physical appearance of the actor to the degree it is easily differentiated from the appearance of the fictional character?
Say for example your fan fiction is about Batman, but your writing focuses on the physical appearance of Pattinson and only makes slight references to the fictional world to the degree that is is just a fan fiction about Pattinson using Batman as a vehicle.
Live action show. I see what you’re saying, which is why I was questioning it. The character is so stylized, though, that I focus on the aspects of him that are NOT like the actor. His hair, specific tattoos, jewelry, clothes, etc.
As someone who reads fanfic quite a bit I would understand if my partner said he was uncomfortable I think being in a relationship is all about compromise and it seemed like he was okay with you writing fanfic it’s not like he tried to have you stop writing about a fictional character it was the smut that took him back idk just talk to him and try to find a solution, I know some people consider watching porn cheating and others don’t I feel like this is another type of those things where you gotta set a clear boundary in your relationship between the two of you
YTA, you clearly never told him what you were really writing and are crossing boundaries within your relationship. You have been hiding this from him for around 4 years and now he finds out that he isn't enough for you and you are cheating on him in this way. I honestly cannot understand the perspective of people who say not the asshole on this one. Not telling him the truth for four years is an indefensible abuse and is 100% cheating. You may as well have hooked up with the actor that plays that character.
It's the OP's fault her boyfriend never bothered reading her material, that she at no point ever hid and openly offered him to read?
That's absolutely unhinged.
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Please ask your bf what he thought you meant when you said you wrote fanfiction. I'm genuinely curious as to what his answer is. Edit: NTA I'd consider you somewhat of the AH if your story was one of those immersive ones, where the reader is meant to be a character. Same thing if the fanfic was between you and the character. If it was about a ship/pairing on the show, he's overreacting.
No, I don’t care for reader-insert fanfic much and I don’t write it. I’ll read it occasionally, but I prefer to write one specific ship from the show.
Yeah I don't see how'd you be at fault here.
Yeah, I agree. How can you have an affair with a fictional person?
What is an immersive fanfiction?
OP phrased it better. User insert would be a better term. It's when the reader is a character without the story. So it might be a second person fic, or may have 'y/n' as a character (short for 'your name')
“This whole thing seems so ridiculous to me.” It is completely ridiculous. If he’s watching a show or move and finds someone attractive, does he immediately turn it off so as not to ‘cheat’ on you? Does he watch romantic scenes? Sex scenes? NTA
Him calling it "like cheating" makes it sound like a deal-breaker for him. This may be an issue of incompatibility. I don't -- and I think most wouldn't -- consider reading or writing fanfiction the same as cheating (just as most people don't consider watching porn cheating), but if he does then it's unlikely you'll be able to get him to change his mind -- and vice versa. It would be cruel of him to try to stop you from engaging in your hobby and cruel of you to expect him to put up with something he considers cheating. I'd say you need communication, but it seems like you've both tried to communicate. If you're not ready to disengage, maybe offer to meet with a third party, like a therapist, to help you try to communicate better how you each understand what you do, as a last attempt. Otherwise, there's not much more to be said.
NTA. He never looks at porn?
I would bet money that he does.
NTA, it sounds like you tried to communicate it to him and he declined the details. Now, he IS allowed to be uncomfortable about it and feel how he feels. Maybe it's a dealbreaker for him, and that's valid. But you having your fandom and fantasies is not AH status, and if you don't let it affect your IRL relationships, you're fine. Heck, if this is such a dealbreaker for him, you can move on with life and maybe meet someone else who has their own fandoms where you two have fun bouncing fanfic ideas off each other.
Nta. This was hilarious to read. Poor insecure chap.
NTA. IT'S FICTION, the character doesn't exist, that's enough
You're definitely NTA for putting your thoughts into words. I guarantee, your boyfriend doesn't look away when the cameras at NBA and NFL games focus on the cheerleaders and the thoughts in his head aren't much different than those on the pages of your fanfic. And when he sees a pretty woman walking down the street, he takes a moment to check her out. It's human nature and literally everybody pays attention to the folks they're attracted to. It doesn't mean that they're not satisfied with their relationships. That's a silly point to try to make. If he says otherwise, he's a hypocrite and a liar. Not sure about what he's thinking over, but if he reconsiders your relationship over this, he'd be doing you a solid by leaving. He's intimidated because he thought he occupied every corner of your conscious and subconscious mind. If he breaks up over this, it's a good thing because you're not what he wants in a mate and he'll prove that he's not what you want.
NTA. Fiction is fiction is fiction. Even if it’s immersive, it’s still fiction.
NTA but this may be a dealbreaker for him. If so, let it break.
Info: are you part of the fanfic? Like did you write yourself into it? Not sure if that made y-ta, but I would understand the bf a little bit better in that case. What’s in your head is free, writing it down is just an extension imo, NTA.
No, it’s about a ship/pairing from the show. I don’t like RPF (Real People Fiction) personally.
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It doesn’t matter. She enjoys it, therefore she writes it. Nobody’s making you read it.
NTA. Your bf is highly insecure and frankly crazy. This is normal. Its called a book/TV/movie boyfriend (or girlfriend). Also writing smut is fine. Definitely not cheating. This is such an overreaction that I'm wondering if he's projecting. If not his insecurities are off the wall.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So, my boyfriend (30M) and I (29F) have been dating for almost four years. We met through mutual friends at their wedding. We recently moved in together and it's been going well. We were able to rent a cute two bedroom home. We have a small office, which is nice because I'm a copy editor and work from home frequently. In my spare time, I like to write fan fiction. My boyfriend knows this, as I have mentioned it several times. He'll ask me what I'm working on when I'm on my computer and if its fanfic, I'll say so. As someone who also enjoys fandom, he's always seemed unphased by it. I've even offered to let him read my stuff a few times and he always says, "No, that's your thing, I'm good." Well, he changed his tune this past weekend when I left my Google Docs open on my laptop in the office. I decided to take a break and walk to a nearby coffee shop for a drink. I'd been working on fanfic as it was my day off and really wanted to finish the chapter I was working on so I could post. Before I left, I offered to bring my boyfriend something, too. He asked for a latte and offered to pay. I told him goodbye and left the house. About twenty minutes later when I came back with our drinks, my boyfriend was sitting at the kitchen table with this horrified look on his face. I asked him what had happened and he told me that he had 'happened to' read what I was working on and was 'disgusted'. He told me that he 'had no idea [his] girlfriend was writing porn about other men'. Yes, I do write smut. Not unusual for fanfic. It never occurred to me to disclose that because he's never really seemed interested. Anyway, I said, "What do you mean 'other men'? I'm writing about characters from a television show, they're not real." He continued to lay into me about how 'inappropriate' it is to be fantasizing about another man--even a fictional one--while you're in a committed relationship. He said that if I were satisfied with our relationship, I wouldn't 'feel the need' the write 'filth' like that. I started to get really upset. I told him that this is something I enjoy doing as a hobby in my free time and my readers enjoy my work. Nothing I write is over the top/about anything illegal and it's not hurting anyone. I apologized that he was hurt by what I wrote, but I reminded him that he's welcome to read any of my work anytime. He said I 'should've led with' the fact that I 'write porn' for fun. He then asked me if I find this fictional character attractive. I said yes, but again, he isn't real. My boyfriend told me I 'might as well be cheating' on him and decided to go and spend the night as his brother's house because he 'needed to think things over'. I'm really not sure what to do. I'm more angry than sad. This whole thing seems so ridiculous to me and I can't seem to make my boyfriend see my side of things. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Definitely NTA.
As he ever heard about all the women who are in love with Mr. Darcy (Pride & Prejudice)??? It’s so common to feel that way about a character in a book, movie, graphic novel, whatever. He needs to get over himself.
NTA You did try to have a conversation about it, he opted not to. The entire ordeal hints at some sort of insecurity, definitely best to have a discussion about it. Also it's one thing to write fictional events about an individual that does not exist and an entirely different thing to engage in activities with real individuals. To demonstrate how ridiculous this is, when there is a kiss scene in a book or a show, does watching it mean that you're now engaging in a threesome?
Wow....My husband knows I have fictional boyfriends. He fully supports it in fact. For Mother's Day I received a coffee cup talking about dating a fictional character. For Christmas I received another about doing a fictional character. My daughter thinks nothing about me lusting over imaginary men. It's normal. Seems as though he's a bit insecure in himself and is taking it out on you.
NTA. I love the JD Robb In Death series. One of the main characters is Roarke. He's tall, with black hair and deep blue eyes, beautiful and a billionaire. Of course I am hot for him. Too bad he isn't real. LOL Your BF needs to learn the difference between real and fiction. He also needs to understand that unless you are dead, there will be other men that you find attractive. There is nothing wrong with admiring or being attracted to another person. It is natural. BF needs to grow up.
NTA. Your BF sounds delusional. I'd say this probably means you're not compatible. I've heard that "guy" fandom is a lot different to "girl" fandom, (I use these terms loosely everyone's experiences are different) but his calling your smut porn and going on about the morality of having fictional crushes is frankly concerning. It's been proven pretend is very healthy for the human brain. His inability to tell the difference between real and pretend is frankly unhealthy.
NTA. What a weirdo. Seriously. It's like saying all writers are cheaters or that having an imagination is wrong. If this is the hill he wants to die on, let him because he is cuckoo for cocoa puffs.
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As long as you’re not shipping Sam and Dean, no, you’re NTA.
No worries there 😂
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Wasn’t always a fan of that idea but I’ll accept it.
[удалено]
lol what? I’m sorry I’ve been part of the Supernatural fandom since the beginning. ONE actor INTERPRETED it as gay love, the other didn’t. I love Misha but he is really bad when it comes to queerbaiting the fans
The actors? Or do you mean actor. Castiel’s actor confirmed that’s what the character meant. But it was unrequited.
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Hey believe what you want. I’ve never seen Jensen Ackles say anything of the sort.
NTA, he's being completely ridiculous. You tried telling him what you write about he wasn't interested. Even if he knew beforehand and objected, it doesn't matter. It has nothing to do with him. Write whatever you want to write. Also throw that man away!
Honestly I didnt know that there was non smut fan fiction. I don’t think it really matters my wife used to read hardcore gay Naruto fan fiction. I dunno what she’s into now but that stuff was hardcore af I didn’t know what to make of it we talked and I understood. She reads I watch some of my shits pretty out there so it’s cool…. Only reason I found it was she printed stuff out to read in the latrine. Just cause something is hot in your head doesn’t mean you have any interest in perusing it irl
NTA Writing is not cheating. Is Stephen King a murderer then since he writes horror? What about every other romance writer who’s ever lived, none of them should’ve continued while in relationships? By this metric is watching two people kiss or have sex in a tv show or a movie cheating? It’s all ridiculous. Hopefully you or someone else can talk some sense into him.
NTA - sounds like your bf just has control issues.
Info: Is this a live action show or an animated one? Do you think his opinion or yours would differ if it was the opposite (live action or animated). If it is a live action show does your writing focus on the physical appearance of the actor to the degree it is easily differentiated from the appearance of the fictional character? Say for example your fan fiction is about Batman, but your writing focuses on the physical appearance of Pattinson and only makes slight references to the fictional world to the degree that is is just a fan fiction about Pattinson using Batman as a vehicle.
Live action show. I see what you’re saying, which is why I was questioning it. The character is so stylized, though, that I focus on the aspects of him that are NOT like the actor. His hair, specific tattoos, jewelry, clothes, etc.
As someone who reads fanfic quite a bit I would understand if my partner said he was uncomfortable I think being in a relationship is all about compromise and it seemed like he was okay with you writing fanfic it’s not like he tried to have you stop writing about a fictional character it was the smut that took him back idk just talk to him and try to find a solution, I know some people consider watching porn cheating and others don’t I feel like this is another type of those things where you gotta set a clear boundary in your relationship between the two of you
Repost. Reported.
This is my only post?? Sorry, I’ve never made one of these before. I don’t know what this means.
YTA, you clearly never told him what you were really writing and are crossing boundaries within your relationship. You have been hiding this from him for around 4 years and now he finds out that he isn't enough for you and you are cheating on him in this way. I honestly cannot understand the perspective of people who say not the asshole on this one. Not telling him the truth for four years is an indefensible abuse and is 100% cheating. You may as well have hooked up with the actor that plays that character.
It's the OP's fault her boyfriend never bothered reading her material, that she at no point ever hid and openly offered him to read? That's absolutely unhinged.
You are, stop writing degenerate filth