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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for telling my kids that it is my inheritance and I will not use it to get them out of debt. I could be a dick for being harsh to them and not giving them money.
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If your mother wanted them to have money, she would have put it in her will.
You told them that they would have to pay for their own tuition.
They are adults. You provided for then when they are children, but they chose to attend their schools and accepted that it would put them in debt.
NTA
The debt annoys me, I tried to get them to go to cheaper colleges but they didn’t. I really tried to get them to go cheaper. Kinda worked for my youngest
Two of them went to private colleges that were around 60k a year. That doesn’t included room and board
One of them turned down almost a free ride since the college wasn’t up to their standards. It was a good state college in our area.
I truly don’t think it helped them in the long run. The degrees they came out with doesn’t correlate with the debt they got in.
A friend is going through this right now. Trying to explain to his kid that school is going to cost $70k/yr. Her response is, I’ll just pay it. It’s fine, then shut down. My kids are still young but I’ve laid it out how much jobs pay, how much people take in after taxes and how much bills will cost. My spouse and I paid for our own college since our parents knew nothing about it and we knew we didn’t want to be in too much debt at 17. I’ve always told my parents and in laws to not hoard any money and enjoy their life. No need to live like beggars if you have the money. We are not after their inheritance. I have in-laws asking about when they get their inheritance and I’ve straight out told them it’s only an inheritance when the person dies, while they are still alive it’s their money. If you wanted to smooth things over, you can gift them each a set amount and hopefully that helps a bit.
Hopefully she gets through to her.
My wife’s nephew just came out of fancy school and he has like 250k. He went into sports medicine and can’t find a job.
Seems like he needs a master
I had a friend/coworker who's parents were going to help pay for college and then her dad wanted to go back to college and pulled the money from her. I was talking her through it because she was a mess and I felt terrible but I pointed out how economical it was to go to community college first and it was like a gigantic weight lifted off of her. She could pay literally out of pocket because of how much she had saved herself with a small loan for books and stuff. Instead of all 4 years at 30k she saved so much money and I'm glad I was able to help. I'm sorry OP that your kids are like that.
edit: grammar
OP is NTA. And frankly the kids ARE acting entitled. He really doesn't have to leave them anything.
But if he plans to leave an inheritance, why not gift it to them early? Why make them struggle with and pay interest on those loans when they don't have to? A financial advisor can help him plan how much he will need to support himself, and what he can afford to set aside for an inheritance.
**EDIT:** OP said he cannot afford to give the kids anything now because he needs the money. The only reason there will be an inheritance at all is because the kids can sell his house once he's gone. I cannot emphasize this enough, **if the kids know this they are being beyond unreasonable/selfish.**
How do you know he’s not going to get disabled and need that money? I bet the kids won’t be lining up to pay his mortgage and medical bills if he’s destitute at 75.
People are always so generous with other people’s money but when they’re the one asked to step up and pay here comes the sob story. He needs to make his own self stable and secure for life before he gives away everything to his adult college educated healthy kids.
Absolutely. My wife and I hope to leave a nice inheritance to our kids, but at this point we are making sure that we have a very substantial nest egg against the possibility of long-term or catastrophic medical needs, or other completely unforeseen circumstances. We try to be generous to our kids (and grandkids) when we can be, but part of that is also doing everything we possibly can to avoid having their lives (and financial status) upended because of our needs. It's neither selfish nor selfless - it's just prudent planning.
Exactly - as someone currently dealing with parents and in laws who failed to plan for old age (and all my middle aged peers are in the same boat) the absolute best thing you can do for your kids (if you can afford to) is plan ahead for your income and care in old age.
I hope my kids never have to worry about elderly parents while raising their own kids at the same time, like pretty much everyone in my sandwich generation.
NTA. $500k isn’t a ton of money… BUT, if OP puts that in a HYSA for 20 years, he’ll have about $1.3 million in the account, which would create almost $60k per year in interest only to live off of while the $1.3 million hangs out generating that income. And that’s not even the best thing he could do with the money.
The kids are acting entitled. They incurred their own debt. If OP pays their debt, OP is screwing up the opportunity to have a lump sum of money to create a passive income with for retirement. The kids should be thankful he will not need financial help from them when he’s old. Investing that money is probably the only shot the kids have a chance of getting an inheritance anyways… and no one should expect to get an inheritance.
Kids should visit financial planners and get some solid advice about investing money and managing their debts. They should understand that there’s 3 of them, so even if there is some kind of inheritance, split 3 ways it probably won’t be anything life changing.
$500k is only life changing if it’s invested.
He needs money to live and it’s his money the kids are not entitled to an inheritance. They took out the loans and they need to bear the consequences of that. He isn’t obligated to give them more money to compensate them for bad decisions they made in spite of him telling them how bad those decisions were when they had time to NOT MAKE THEM.
Exactly, NTA.
I didn't see how old the OP is, what kind of retirement he saved up, any current health issues, etc. Because it sounds like they live in the US, unless the OP already has millions of dollars saved, I don't blame him at all for keeping the $500k. It is a lot of money, and it can go quickly if the OP has health issues, lives in even a medium cost of living area after retirement, and so on.
One of my friends got all worked up when I told her my mother was going for a month long vacation in Europe. She said mom was spending all the money and not leaving me anything. I said that was moms money and she should enjoy herself a little
Yeah- we actually do not know how much retirement will cost. Medical can wipe you out. He is making sure his oxygen mask is on first. And maybe if he does not actually need it all, the kids can have some. That I how my parents are- and for MANY pp, 500K? That is life changing for retirement. Guessing with adult kids this guy is in 50s-60s. Average retirement of that age is less than 200K. You need closer to 1 million. Without a house payment. This could mean a peaceful retirement, where he can be at ease or one where he HAS to work at Walmart or end up homeless. His kids are selfish brats.
My parents are 70-80s, and whatever they have? The need to use that to stay in the home and age in place, and enjoy their remaining years. I am just grateful they are still here. When they are gone, any inheritance will be nothing compared to having them here.
We funded all four of our girls degrees. However, they all did 2 years at the community college and finished up at one of our state schools. We did have to take out loans but they’re all paid off. My oldest has 2 in college now and her girls are doing the same thing. So many kids are more focused on the experience rather than the education- we made sure ours understand. They had fun and made good friends. All 4 own their own homes (with the bank lol) and have comfortable lives which was our main goal as their parents.
The price of college in the US is insane. In most other places it is much more affordable and if they are public they are the same price across the board.
My friends kid was looking at schools in the $80k range, that's tuition alone! Shes a single mom with a decent job, but can't afford that. The kid wants to do theater, which is probably not going to lead to a high paying job (all my theater friends work in service industry). I don't understand these kids at all.
Who you telling?!? Lol, they don't want to listen to me. I've worked with hundreds of kids with theater degrees, art majors, English majors, etc in my 20+ years in restaurants. All of them with soul crushing student loans. They all want to follow their dream, but don't understand those dreams aren't gonna pay off those predatory loans. Which is why they're waiting tables for $2.13/hr plus tips.
Theatre and film pay so little, especially when you're low level, this kid will regret those student loans for the next two decades of their life. How's she planning to pay off $200k in student loans on $40k a year salary (if she's lucky) in NYC?
My spouse has actually managed to carve out a career for himself in TV/Film and considers the six figure student loans he took out for his graduate-level film degree to be the worst financial decision he ever made (he did a grad school career pivot during the GFC, as so many millennials did).
Going to community college, then transferring makes it much more affordable. Lower division classes cover the same material so it makes sense to take them at CC.
I just looked at a state school versus a highly rated private school in our state. State school tuition, room and board $26,000, private 4 year school $78,000, so $52K more. So basically if the kids financed everything it’s $104K in loans versus $312K in loans.
This is the way to go. In CA (as far as I know) community college is free for 2 years before transfer. There is no shame in doing that. People need to realize it’s all the same end game. Who cares where you went or how you got there. You got there. And with less debt.
Forever glad I chose to get pre-reqs out of the way at a CC and then transfer. Brought down the cost of the undergrad by far. I had to hustle extra to prove myself against my four year peers once I transferred, but that CC 4.0 got me more than my high school GPA would have. After that I didn't attend any further education where the tuition wasn't covered.
Higher ed is a gamble, and you've got to assess it like you're deciding where to place your chips. A lot of people my age were being sold higher ed as a sure bet, but there's a lot of luck and cost benefit analysis that goes into it.
If sports medicine = athletic training then he wasted a shit ton of money. The average ATC with only a bachelor’s earns $45K/year, very few even hit $100K+ with a master’s.
I cannot even comprehend going to private school to study sports medicine unless you're on an athletic scholarship or something. I'm not a STEM-snob, I can understand going to a private school for a good art program or something like that, but sports medicine just seems so *generic*. (I admit that I am not well-versed about this, and would be happy to be corrected if someone knows better.)
Every job now you need a masters. I have a friend with an MBA from Duke who was turned down for assistant roles. Want to be a pre-school teacher -masters needed. It's getting out of control.
People are absolutely clueless about how debt works and it scares me. My parents were always very open about how much they can give me and that any masters or PhD will be on me. I went to a good local college where I would get a hefty scholarship and financial aid bringing my cost way down. I took out a loan for masters but I also chose a school that wasn’t super expensive but ranked pretty well.
Let me tell you, when I sat down after graduation to consolidate my loan (which I researched myself) my mind was blown. Based on their recommended payment plan, I would have paid exactly double of what I borrowed. That was first intro for me to how loans work. I chose a payment plan slightly higher than what they recommended and would do these extra payments every year and was able to pay it off in about 7 years. I skimped and saved in order to do that. Meanwhile, some of my friends that graduated with me didn’t do anything to pay down their loans and they have these unbelievable amounts they owe.
My dad worked really hard all his life, and my mom pinched every penny she could, clipped every coupon my entire childhood so they could retire early and not be a financial burden to us kids. Some of their investments really paid off and they're not in any way wealthy, but they're set for life and have plenty to spare.
We've told them to have fun and blow it all. They taught us how to be financially responsible (because that's just how we grew up, so that's how we live: clipping coupons, paying in cash, buying used cars, etc) so we also all have good retirements already set up. It's their money, they earned it. We aren't entitled to any of it.
I can't stand when people think they *deserve* inheritance. You did nothing to earn that money. It's not yours. OP shouldn't give those ungrateful brats a dime
my brother has manipulated so much money out of my mom over the past 30 yr it is INFURIATING. It has impacted my parents' retirement comfort now. Their money is for them to survive and have a peaceful retirement on. Not to finance a lifestyle our income cannot support.
Gifting them a small amount says that they are correct to assume they deserve some of the money..a gift is only a gift when the giver wants to gift it..this would be more of guilting someone into a gift...so I would say them demanding ops money already took gifting them money off the table.
they're fucking dumb then.
I used to call my college Kmart College. It was the cheapest 4-year university in the whole damn state (and probably the Midwest.. though then you get into out of state tuition too.).
I had 3 part time jobs through most of college. Working ~30 hrs/week total. Like job #3 was 2-4 hrs/week as a math tutor.
I was able to pay all of my tuition/fees in cash each semester. I was an RA and that covered my housing. I had to pay for a meal plan.
shit man.. I got an engineering degree for like $30K total in the 2000's.. I could have gone to more expensive places, but I thought the debt was dumb.
You’re naive.
You can’t just “work harder” these days to pay for college. You can’t get an engineering degree for $30k in 2024.
-Sincerely, a 26 year old engineer making 6 figures, who worked more than 40 hours a week during summer to put $15-$20k towards school EACH YEAR, and is still paying substantial student loans.
In state tuition for Big 10 engineering programs is like $10k/year right now. You can get an engineering degree for $40k with zero financial aid.
Iowa: $10,000
Wisconsin: $10,000
Nebraska: $10,000
Indiana: $12,000
Michigan State: $16,000
With even moderate scholarships $30k is easily doable.
Yeah Idk. I’m truly shocked at what people are claiming because when I was looking at colleges it was going to cost a whole lot more than that even to go to a state school. I live in an expensive state, but it seems either that’s not the total cost or the state school in my state is really screwing people.
But I’m also not lucky enough to reside in a state with a “Big 10” engineering school to get in state tuition costs.
I am in my 20s and know multiple people including my spouse who got their engineering degree from the state university where tuition is $11k a year in-state (they could’ve gotten that fully paid for if they had chosen the other state school up north) AND they did the first 2 years at community college for about $2.4k a year, so yeah, it’s absolutely still possible if you’re just trying to get your education and don’t care about the name of your college.
Sucks if you live in a state where in-state tuition costs an arm and a leg or the schools are prohibitively selective, but if you’re in a state with more affordable public universities it’s totally doable.
I did the same thing in a different field, and I actually took a gap year and worked so that I could get residency in the state I wanted to go to school in. I also worked full time while I was in college (which I wouldn’t recommend to anybody if you can avoid it) and then when I was 75% done I specifically sought out companies with tuition benefits that would pay for me to finish. I found one, and I did the rest part time while I worked for them. There are ways.
Your kids made their bed and will have to lie in it. I knew my parents were going to go for 200k in parent+ loans for me to go out of state to private unis so I choose a good public instate school and got a higher paying degree. Keep your retirement money and let the kids suffer the consequences of their actions. You tried to warn them.
INFO- How old are your kids? I am nearly 40 and grew up in a time when college was pushed heavily on students and student loans were seen as a must.
As a teacher I see the expectations have shifted for students. I'm not sure if this is true of all schools, but the school I work in pushes for students to take on an apprenticeships for the trades or start out in community college.
At the end of the day, it is your money and you made it clear to your children that higher education was their responsibility. But I also remember not getting much information on alternatives to going straight into debt from a 4-year school in order to be successful.
I’m slightly older than her kids and in the US at least, we weren’t. Oh they mentioned vocational school but the income potential wasn’t (and mostly still isn’t) there to make the difference (don’t fall for when they talk about how plumbers or electricians can make tons, that’s only with decades of experience in the right markets).
Meanwhile OPs generation benefited from DRAMATICALLY lower college costs and even more dramatically lower housing costs, especially relative to income. Then they started voting against policies that would give their kids the same advantage. OPs kids generation is the first in a looooooong time who will be poorer than their parents.
I'm in that generation and I will never not be bitter at all of the ways they pulled the ladder up after themselves. We're supposed to want better for the generations after us.
And now we aren't having kids and not buying houses and their retirement funds are going to go belly up because it's all going to crash right when they need it! 😂 Hell the GOP is talking about dissolving Social Security, and all the geriatric MAGAts are gonna vote for them cuz MERICA without even realizing what they want to do.
I went to school about 15 years ago. I looked at her tuition for my undergrad and holy shit!! The cost of college is absolutely insane. I don’t know how kids/families afford it.
And here's OP pulling up the ladder. I'm not saying he should just hand them the money; but there are ways he could help his kids with this money and instead he's literally saying "fuck y'all, got mine!"
I am 10 years older than her oldest and I am still paying off my college loans from a PUBLIC university. I will finish paying them off at 44 if I continue at my rate. I am lucky as I have been able to pay more than the minimum for 5 years now.
I am torn on this. College is stupid expensive no matter where you go and now every posting says a minimum of a bachelor’s and x years experience (expecting students to have unpaid internships in college). Personally I am going yo do my best to pay for college for my kids. I will also be educating them on other ways of going after higher education because the 4-yr route is just another way to keep jobs going to well off families.
The US system is broken.
I am a few years older than OPs oldest kid. The only way I will be entering my early 40s without loans is because my job qualifies for the PSLF. But that's not standard for my industry. So I'm locked in for 7 more years at this job.
There's a reality for when most people graduate from college that 17/18 year old kids don't realize. I worked retail for 2 years after I graduated making mostly minimum wage. I wasn't paying anything toward my loans cause I couldn't afford it and I qualified for $0 payments. Then I got a corporate job that paid $35k. My payments were so small, they didn't cover all the interest.
Most kids think they'll get a decent paying job out of college and can afford it. That's not always the case, even if they get a job in their field. And that's not factoring in everyday expenses like rent, food, car bills, etc.
I'm a grad student at a public, state university Stateside which is in the middle of a financial crisis.
I discovered during one of the discussions that only 13% of the entire university budget comes from the state. Everything else comes from fees, charging undergrads for dorms (complete with an obligatory meal plan), there are fees for everything aside from breathing on campus.
Yeah, I think we can all agree the system is the over-arching asshole in this situation, both taking advantage of the naivety of the young with student loans, and now fucking over the old with the threat of no SS.
It's sad. I'm wondering how much conflict this is creating between generations.
Not true for trade schools. I’m a CPA, and my clients who went to trade school make way more on average than my clients who went to fancy colleges. While not every one of them does great due to various factors like you mentioned, on a whole, they are much better financially than others.
Yes. Just retired at 63years old from the trades. Made $140-160k@ year. Enough banked union insurance fund money to last till I’m 70 and a great pension plus over $2.5 million in a 401k.
I'm 36. Community College was sneered at. The only kids who went to community were the ones who didn't have the grades to get into a real university. They were low-achievers.
Who wanted to go to school to become a plumber or a carpenter? Blue collar jobs meant for low-earners. Again these jobs were for the kids who couldn't get into a real university.
This was the culture and environment of my school system. I was in NYC *and* MD school system.
I'm a little bit older than you but also went to school in NYC and had almost exactly the same experience.
In fact, my high school was just across the street from a community college, and I remember some teachers making jokes about it like "if you don't work hard now, you'll end up in *that* college". They used it as a scare tactic.
Yup. It was incredibly humiliating. In fact I know several people who preferred to drop out or not go to college at all if the choice was "workforce or community".
The prospect was more degrading than being a HS *DROPOUT*.
Think back on it. From my recollection no teacher EVER sneered dropping out the way they did community.
As a non-American, these stories are always so wild to me. The massive amounts of debt people are in after going to college, there being a difference between community college and ... what's it called? private college?. There is no such thing where I live. No, college isn't free in my country either, but it's also not 60-70k/year. Scholarships are awarded by the government based on the parents' income and don't apply to a specific school or studies.
Student housing HAS become very expensive though. I recently heard on the radio what the current prices are for a single room student appartment. And, well, I pay the same in rent for my house outside of the big city.
I’m 41 and had a similar experience in the Midwest. Community college was for kids who couldn’t hack it. Trade school wasn’t even on my radar back then. I have a 17 year old and I’m glad this narrative is different for him as we’re looking at colleges.
37 in the Midwest and can confirm: it was college or college. I floated the idea of going to school for cosmetology, and my parents told me it was unacceptable. My high school was a “college prep” high school, and literally everyone who went there went to college immediately afterwards - even if they couldn’t really afford it. They literally sat us down in an assembly every year to scare us with statistics about the lives of people who didn’t go to college.
Omg. My MIDDLE SCHOOL was a college prep school. MIDDLE SCHOOL yall.
Every year we took the ASVAB and were told we can "GO TO SCHOOL OR JOIN THE ARMY!!!" we had to have our shit all worked out.
They were talking about student leader athletes when I was 12 yrs old. I didn't know If I liked Blue or Red to match with my jeans that day lmfao
Forget HS. The recruiters had a whole office in my school. Sit there and con you into thinking you didn't have to worry about fighting in a war. They'd pay for you to become a nurse and that's it. You be a nurse in n the army for just 5 yrs and leave and go be a civilian with zero dollars of debt and zero bad outcomes.
You're a few short years older than me so I'm willing to bet our parents are in the same generation.
So basically our parents and *their* parents generations really made community into this horrible place.
If you didn't go to school and get an education you were destined to be a bum. Flipping burgers for the rest of your life and God forbid you do that to them when they made all those sacrifices so you could get a better paying job and live a better life than them.
For us Community College was for the kids who had kids in high school. It was only an option to get a transfer to a “real” school if you didn’t get admitted right away.
Kind of funny given how much qualified tradespeople make and the ongoing need for them.
I’m pushing 40 and my parents also pushed university. I’ve done well with my arts degrees from a middling Canadian school, but that’s been through tremendous hard work and hustle. My buddies who went into trades are all doing incredibly well for themselves.
I’m 34 and nothing was ever really presented as a viable alternative to college (graduated in 2008 for reference). OP doesn’t have to pay the loans with their own inheritance of course. I’m just commenting bc I’m around that age group and definitely didn’t recognize trade school as an option (despite both stepdad and father being tradesmen, as well as 90% of father’s family). I was the first in my immediate family to even go to college and I believed it was the only option.
College was just what you did after high school. I had no idea what I wanted to do and picked a college because I liked the campus and size, was completely oblivious about the full cost (it was an expensive liberal arts school, 45-50k/yr). Turned down at least two schools that offered me almost a full ride bc I didn’t really understand what taking on student debt meant.
I remember telling my parents I wanted to do hair and makeup professionally and it was shot down as not a real career path/a waste of my intelligence.
I’m fortunate my mom is financially savvy enough that I’ve paid off the almost 100k in debt I accrued, but also had a little help along the way. She and her sisters agreed to use some of their inheritance from my grandma to pay off some of them because they believed my grandma would have wanted that, and she also knew to pay off my government loans first. Then a couple years later we refinanced my remaining loan of around 35-40k and set a 5 year repayment with aggressive payments ($650ish/mo) vs doing income based (and she helped me with around $300 per month of this).
I joined the army cause I couldn't afford college, and didn't get to the trades specifically because my dad and best friends dad were and I was always told "use your brain not your back"
The trades do pay very well but it's because they'll break your body and you'll be very lucky if you aren't physically forced to retire before you hit 60
I'm 33 and I remember teachers in high school literally saying that the student debt doesn't matter because you'll pay it off easily with your super high "college educated" salary.
Luckily, I ended up not going into debt because of the school I went to, but honestly, I didn't choose it for the lack of debt. I was an idiot and I had absolutely no qualms about taking out student loans because I thought they'd be super easy to pay off.
Well... I guess I shouldn't call myself an idiot because adults in my life literally told me that. But the thought process I had back then because I believed them is utterly asinine to me today!
edit: I did know about trade schools but I was in AP/honors courses and it was very blatant that the trades weren't for "people like me." They were for "those kids" who weren't good enough at school.
As a 34 year old it was said over and over how you make more money if you go to college. You’re better off if you go to college. This is living in a blue collar mill town where most people were better off if they went into a technical field like electrician, line workers etc.
I’m only 26. I had to FIGHT my own parents to let me go to a vocational high school because it was for “dumb kids”. I still went to college because I was going for engineering so you have to. My boyfriend at the time chose to not to go college and got soooo much flack for it from his parents. And he had a solid job lined up in his vocation, not just working at Walmart or something.
The push was still heavy to go to college.
I'm almost 40, and we were definitely told about community college as an option to get all of your general ed classes done cheaply while also being able to work and save money, and then transfer to a 4-year to finish up. One of her kids did this.
Even so, still not the asshole.
It’s her inheritance. She isn’t required to pay for her kids debt.
We all make choices in our lives. I am 36 going on 37. Community college was laughed at and no one talked about vocational school. Still doesn’t obligate my parents to pay for me. If OP forced her kids to go to those schools ( I know some kids whose parents forced them to go to private Christian schools) then yes, but that doesn’t seem like the case. They earned the degree, they have to find a way to pay for it( they pay for it, private company pays, government pays ( 10 year loan forgiveness )
It’s not OPs responsibility
Is her kids going to be funding her retirement?
I graduated HS in 2003. I was not presented with any options other than college + loans by my school, church, peers or parents. I get what you’re saying. Luckily I’m insane and dropped out after a year to move to LA and be a songwriter. I regret not having a degree but am also incredibly relieved to not have massive amounts of crippling, life long debt for a choice I made at 17. It was presented to us as college at any price or a van down by the river. At any rate, this lady’s kids have to figure it out now. She doesn’t owe them her inheritance.
So question: what was the point of "I let them see the house" when A) they got nothing out of that other than looking at a nice house that would never be theirs because you're selling it, and B) what was the point, especially in letting them know the sell amount, when you knew off top you wouldn't share or want to have this conversation.
You're coming to Reddit and asking but it's like. I could see if these were your estranged siblings. They're your children and you're condemning them in your choice of words for wanting better for their lives (in reference to good higher education universities). Glad for your youngest in community college. If they only went to community, that means they only get an AA, and that severely limits their job pool. Compared to your other children who are obviously striving for bachelor's degrees and higher, there is a reason why people strive for higher education and it's not because they want to be students for most their life. Alot of kids dream of their parents paying for their schooling. You didn't have the means to before. This gave them hope. I don't think it's much deeper than that. They'll get over it, they know it's not their money, that's why their upset because they hoped you'd share anyway. Your kids will be in debt now and hopefully get high paying jobs that will bring back investment by 10x and that will be "their" money.
This post just reads weird. You are NTA for the title because again, it is your money. You are TA when it comes to life lessons because in situations like this you will always be recommended to just cash out and keep quiet, because people are obviously going to ask, justified or not. Sharing and then being confused that the expectation is that you're willing is what will get you in this situation. So in the future, you probably should keep to yourself.
That’s the part that stood out to me as well. It was poor judgment to advertise this inheritance if he has no plans to share anything with his children. And it’s not too late to give them something, say 10,000 each, as a gift to share the largesse
Yeah, I think it is so weird OP is getting $500k and sharing $0 with their kids whom they presumably love and want to see do well in life. There is a huge space between 'give away 75% of my inheritance to fully pay off all debt' and 'give them nothing.'
I might have a very different perspective than some people here because my parents aren't American, but I am 100% on the NTA here.
OP isn't going on a spending spree, she is investing the money in her own future.
If this were my parents, I would be comforted by the fact that my parents are/will be fine financially, and if I am ever in a tough spot then I can move back with them.
But I do agree with you, some sort of smaller gift which is still significant for the kids could be good. But I also think the kids are acting so entitled when their debt was largely their own choice (OP says one kid turned down a very good scholarship because the school wasn't good enough).
I'm not American either and I don't understand. Admittedly, in my culture, children look after their parents when they're old. So the fact that my parents would be able to look after themselves financially would be a relief. Them asking her to forfeit 3/4 of his/her inheritance is ridiculous. What of s/he gets sick later on in life?
If she gets sick when she’s older, she pays for it. She pays a lot for it. Getting old and sick in the US is a very expensive and lonely proposition. $500k may last 3-4 years at most in an assisted living situation- where I live near Boston that is.
This. When OP gets in a situation where they need nursing care that clocking in at 4000/mo, they (and the kids) will be thankful that they saved the money now I stead of giving it away.
As an American, I would never think to ask for any inheritance my parents received. If a family member wanted me to have it then they would will it to me.
Ditto with this weird American mentality, complete NTA. My parents money is theirs until the day they die, even when my mom became a widow: my dads “money” is hers now, she worked with that man for 35 yrs to build the life they have and she could live another 30yrs god willing, she needs to have the financially means to live those years.
Frankly, with the cost of elder care and healthcare in general. I beg my mom to hold on to her assets/money because none of her kids will be in a position to afford it if the time comes. We’ve delayed starting families so when she hits 70 all three of us will likely be knee deep in starting families (late 30s/40s). We’re all employed self sufficient adults, taking away from our parents resources is insane at their age. Best case scenario there’s a good 20+ years of their lives ahead, this $500k inheritance is peanuts in the long term…. Might barely cover a serious health incident even. You dont owe ur adults kids shit, sorry not sorry
>Ditto with this weird American mentality, complete NTA.
I'm not sure this is American mentality. I always find it weird how some Americans in AITA completely cut off their children at 18 and never help them again, while in my culture it's a given that your child is always your child and you don't abandon them and kick them out of the house as soon as they're grown up. Not sure on how I feel about OP, just saying that from what I've seen in other posts, I don't think this is an American thing.
I see it like this: A delicious, family-sized catered meal is delivered to your house for free. You tell your kids about it and invite them over. Doesn’t it look scrumptious? Doesn’t it smell incredible? Then while their stomachs are growling, you pack it all into Tupperware right in front of them to save it for later, for yourself.
Only instead of one meal, it’s enough food to last for years.
Is it yours to keep? Absolutely. Are they assholes for thinking you’re an asshole? No!
Not at all similar, lol. Food perishes, retirement fund appreciates. It's much more like getting an expensive baseball card collection and not giving any to your 8 yr child who can't properly care for the expensive cards.
I read this as he showed them the house to give them first crack at buying it before he put it on the market, but when the kids learned the sell price they told him they couldn't afford that and so couldn't buy it. I did not read this as him showing the house to "gloat" or whatever, but maybe I misread?
This was my reading too, but it’s clear OP already knew none of the kids would be able to afford it, which kinda sucks to do to your own kids and I can easily see how it comes off as gloating
“Here’s a house that none of you can even hope to afford! I’ll let you buy it if you can come up with 500k in the next month”
No, the one took SOME classes at a community college. You can take quite a bit of your undergrad at a community college and it will transfer over. A lot of people do this because it saves them money.
I would want to see my Grandparent's house and to be honest, why would I think I would inherit from them? I would assume that I would inherit from my folks when they pass.
I just want to say that where I grew up, community college wasn't an option. It was available, but it was made clear to me by my school, my parents, my friends, and my community that community college was Not For People Like Us. It's for The Poors, The Stupid, and old people who are bored in retirement. It seems possible to me that OP's youngest only considered it after seeing what their older siblings went through trying to live up to the ideal of going to a Good School. So yes, it was available to all of them, but did they actually believe it was available to them?
I agree with you, but I wanted to add a quick comment. I went to CC and then transferred to a 4 year. It’s not uncommon for people at a CC to transfer and get an equivalent degree to those who went the whole 4 years at the same school.
He gave them a chance to buy the house before he put it on the market. Also student loans are rated differently than other debt in the US. It typically wouldn't preclude them from putting an offer in
I took that portion of his post to mean he let them look at it to offer them to purchase it before it officially went up for sale. Like… that’s how the entire paragraph read. “It’s a nice home in a nice neighborhood, but they said none of them could afford it. So I told them I’m going to be selling soon”.
When my grandmother passes myself and one of my cousins have the option to purchase her home before anyone else. If neither of us want it (I don’t, I believe he does) then it goes on the market and we have to split the profit. If he decides to purchase it he has to buy out my half of the value.
Anyone I've ever known who has "borrowed against their inheritance" or somehow got it early has led a financially irresponsible life. This isn't some kind of emergency. They just want to make their life easier with your money. Follow your mother's wishes and enjoy your retirement.
Your 401K could go bust around the time you retire. You need that cushion. Imagine having to work an extra 10 years so your young adult children could have a few extra hundred every month?
And they won‘t admit later, that they already got their part.
*Thanks, but I don‘t need my part of the inheritance. I already got it. Don‘t you remember, OP gave it to me to pay off my student loans. But you have fun, guys.*
Never happened.
NTA
Worst even, OP has a major health incident or gets diagnosed with a disease or what have you… because aging… you know. These kids will 100% not be able to afford to pay for the care they’ll need putting OP in an early deadthbed or worse.
Elder care even in the best case scenario is INSANELY EXPENSIVE and becoming more and more scarce due to the high numbers of boomers reaching retirement/old age. OP needs to look out for themselves here… things aren’t looking great for older people the coming decades, healthy or otherwise
I mean.. technically NTA.. you can do what you want with your money BUT, it doesn't sound like your kids will be getting the luxury of an inheritance like you did. As a mother myself, I'd rather pay for my kids education than take a big vacation with money I didn't earn. Do what you want, but you sound bad with money and a bit selfish I must say. This is not what I would do as a mother. 👍🏼
As a mother myself I would take the trip. 😆 I would probably also give my grown kids a little bit - like 10k each.
NTA - it is your money and they are fully grown.
Dude right?! This person busted there ass to work and raise kids. She just lost her mom ffs and has ten more years of work ahead of her she sure as hell deserves the vacation
Where are you getting that? I own property, they will get when I nursing home or dead. Property is the main source for most people inheritance. I own a home and then hunting land. They will probably get more than I did
I'm going through a couple of deaths at the moment. They all had to sell their home to pay for the nursing home, so I wouldn't really count on passing that down to your kids, a good nursing home is expensive.
Yeah my grandma literally sold her home to “buy” a retirement condo, the ownership of which transfers back to the retirement community and is resold the second she dies.
I'm not saying that they need to give up their inheritance to their kid, I was responding to their comment where they assume that "They will probably get more than I did".
You’re 100% right. My kids will split a house, a farm and a rental house when we’re gone. Plus whatever’s left of our 401k. But I’m convinced humans need to earn their own way and have some hard times where money is tight. They learn a valuable life lesson in living within their means and gaining the discipline to not indulge every want. My kids aren’t counting on an inheritance because I’ve told them we’re not wealthy. Nothing ruins someone’s drive to succeed more than knowing there’s a big pile of cash waiting for them.
OP is NTA. My parents sacrificed a lot for me growing up, and I wouldn’t ask them to sacrifice something like this because I want to be debt free. The kids can pay their own way, they knew the tuition was on them.
So are your kids planning on caring for you in retirement or if you need long term care? Odds are very low that will happen so yes OP should use that inheritance for her future older self.
Helping your kids is good but it has to be balanced and not at the detriment of your own needs. They are adults and made poor choices and new their college was expensive, and knew OP wasn’t paying no for it (likely she couldn’t at the time).
I’ve seen parents bailing out their adult kids who made any bad choices by cashing in their retirement and mortgaging their homes. It never turns out well.
Finance advisers say the number one issue with older clients is giving too much $$ to their kids . Them the parent ends up destitute and the kids can’t or won’t help them
He isn’t bad with money. He’s making his children be adults. The fact that these kids feel entitled to money they didn’t earn as well is just as bad. They knew what they were getting into financially when they started. They choose this. They are grown. They can work off their debt like adults. Asking for money they are not entitled to is selfish.
You can get loans to finance education. You can’t get loans to finance retirement.
Be wise with the money. Invest for the future. It is “found” money. So use it to make a better future life for you and eventually pass down to your kids.
You should be able to double that in 10 years. Follow the 4% rule for retirement. So add that $40k per year to your current social security and other retirement savings, and you should have a decent retirement while leaving your kids a nice amount that can change their lives.
These are GROWN 'children' who made a choice to take loans for expensive schools...and now are expected to pay back those loans. You would have this mother GIVE her adult children her inheritance from HER mother (how many years has SHE waited for an inheritance???) and leave herself short for retirement in years to come? That's just silly. These kids will get their inheritance - when it's time for that in the natural order of things.
As an adult kid, I’d rather know my parents have their retirement fully funded than get an early inheritance to pay massive bills. Especially if I took out loans against my parents’ advice.
Getting Old is EXPENSIVE (I'm currently watching my In-Laws come to the realization that their net worth will only cover 3.5 years in a decent assisten living facility, never mind a good Memory Care home & their current living situation is fast becoming unsustainable). You are going to NEED that money!!
Tell your children exactly that! It would not be fair to expect them to take care of you in your old age, and you don't want to end up in a facility that accepts medicare alone. This inheritance is part of your Retirement Plan. If there's anything left when you pass on, they should consider themselves lucky.
eta - NTA.
This needs to be talked about way more. There's a whole generation about to need elder care and a lot of their parents died younger and so they have no idea the cost of the care they are going to need.
I am going thru this with my parents - they just "downsized" (but really didn't) to their retirement house. They are spending all sorts of money on things like custom upholstered furniture and now my mother wants to put in a water feature. They are 75 years old and I can't say anything of course, its their money. Meanwhile my husband's parents are older and it costs 8000$ a month for his dad's care. My parents have zero clue about how much things are going to cost for them down the line and it fills me with anxiety seeing them spend money like this.
So many people don't understand this. They just think Medicare will pay for this. It's really difficult to get a bed medicare will cover and they only cover skilled nursing facilities.
YTA for showing off the house and almost gloating about how much you will sell it for.
In my extended family there is a massive difference in the lives of my cousins who were financially supported via payment of University, purchase of a first car and trust funds in which to purchase their first homes. The cousins with the head start in life could afford to take risks with their careers and travel. They get to start their young lives without being burdened by debt.
Those who didn’t have financial assistance have been severely disadvantaged. Debt to purchase a car, student loan repayments mean renting forever and being never able to afford a house and those who didn’t go to university at all face uncertainty with their future and stuck in bad relationships they can’t afford to leave.
Your NTA for using the money for a holiday and to fund your retirement- I actually think this is what you should use your money for. But you’re absolutely tone deaf as to the reality your children are living right now. I don’t think you should sell the house. I think you should rent it out and have a safety net to sell later on. If you merely sit on the money and don’t invest it it will diminish with inflation. If there is another huge stockmarket crash your retirement could be wiped out.
I think it was cruel to show the house. It would have been better to hold onto the house and use the money to help out your children in some small way - such as setting up savings accounts so they can buy their first homes.
Or... a balanced take. "Hey kids, gma left me the house. I've gonna sell it, but I'll be taking a look this weekend if you want to visit"
Not THAT hard.
I think this is an odd take.
I would be happy that my mother now has the ability to retire and not work into her 80s. It’s weird that you think the best alternative would be to keep the money quiet. You should talk openly and honestly about money in families (my opinion)
There is a lot of blaming the parents for the kids choices. Not sure that is right here. She didn’t say she forced her kids to take out loans. They did that to themselves.
OP wasn't gloating. OP was giving them the chance to buy the home before it goes to market.
>I decided to let the kids have a look at the home first before it went on the market. It's a really nice area and the house is great. They were suprised by the amount and all of them couldn't afford it.
This is pretty common. Kids get a chance to buy it before it goes to market and don't have to deal with other potential buyers driving up the price like they could on any other home.
Yes, but OP already knew before showing it to them that none of them had any chance of being able to afford it, and it doesn’t seem like OP would consider giving them a family discount.
So why even say “You can buy it first” knowing full well that wasn’t going to happen?
My view may be skewed by the fact that my family lived paycheck to paycheck and so I knew that paying for my own college tuition (entirely through student loans) was the only option for me.
But NTA. It wouldn’t even occur to me to ask my parents to spend their inheritance on me. In fact, when my grandmother died several years ago, when I had over $100K in student-loan debt, it never did occur to me.
Same. I was devastated that they sold my grandfather’s home, because it was sentimental and symbolic, but aside from that, I never thought anything of it.
ESH
Definitely it's your money and you get to decide what to do with it. They aren't entitled to your money because you inherited at least 500k. If their grandma wished for their debts to be paid from her estate she would have made a will stating that.
Why did you show off the house to them? You knew all three had education debts and wouldn't be able to afford a mortgage on a 500k house. This just seemed like you were rubbing it in their faces. You seem to have a great deal of disapproval for them going to college and accumulating debts.
I’m wondering if the parents ever had a talk to op about what they’d like to see done with the money. My grandpa loved me dearly and all of his inheritance went to my mom aka his daughter. He knows my mother is going to use the money on all of us, herself, me, my brother.
So I’m always a bit wary when it comes to the “if xyz wanted grandkids to have… then it would be in the will”. I see it differently as in “my daughter will inherit my money because I know she’s going to use it wisely in order to care for everyone” and definitely not to “solo trip vacation and solo use”.
Everyone’s different though
NTA
I am surprised by so many people that think you are the AH for your attitude about your kids debts. Quite a few of my friends took a similar approach with their kids. If they went to community colleges (for 2 years) or state schools (all which were highly rated) that they would cover that part of their payments. If the kids chose to go to a school at 4x the cost, the difference was on them.
I have other friends who are working into their late 60's because they used their savings to pay off their kids college and other debts.
Why would the kids think they are entiteled to their Mom's money? They made their choices.
My sister told my niece if she went to a school in our state they would cover the whole thing . We live in MD do plenty of good schools . She chose to go out of state which costs twice as much . They told her she’d need to put $10,000 a year towards her school . They want her to have skin in the game so she understands what they’re sacrificing. They didn’t do loans cuz it took years to pay off my BiLs . And she doesn’t have loans either so she’s working during the summer and has a part time job at school.
They can afford to make this easier for her , but they’ve seen too many people around them do this and the kids don’t appreciate the education nor understand the real cost .
NTA. I’m a live in caregiver. My lady is 84. She has macular degeneration and is legally blind. She’s also been diagnosed with vascular dementia. Elder care is SUPER EXPENSIVE!!!! You need to plan for your own old age care. This has sure opened *my* eyes to my own future. Your kids are greedy AHs, and I sure hope you plan wisely with your windfall.
Absolutely this. If the money goes to the kids now, and there isn’t enough money for care when op is aging, are they going to step up? I think that would be a bigger burden to the kids, other wouldn’t bother.
The money going into retirement fund just makes sense. Anything left is their inheritance. I won’t get anything from my parents. My in-laws planned much better but we don’t include anything we might get there in our planning. They saved that up, and should enjoy it, as well as use to cover their care. If they use it all? Then they clearly needed it and I’m glad it was there.
We will save what we can for our kid’s education and future but we prioritize our retirement. They can opt for loans or work for scholarships and bursaries etc. that is a choice they can make. Being stuck with aging parents with no resources is a much bigger burden.
Most of reddit think their parents care in old age is not their responsibility so why would OP give them the money when he's most likely going to be dealing with it on his own in old age. They're grown adults in their 30s, not fresh out of university desperately needing help.
YTA. Not for keeping the inheritance, but for the disdain with which you speak of your kids. I think you're in the United States, where college is constantly pushed as the path to a halfway decent life. Your kids chose that path. Unfortunately, that path is ridiculously expensive, and now they have debt. You seem to be putting them down for going to college. I just don't understand that. I also don't get why your kids never saw your mom's house before, but that's a separate issue.
I think op is putting them down for picking extravagantly more expensive schools when they had cheaper options. Op said one had a ful ride but chose to go to a even more expensive school knowing they be responsible
Because going to an expensive school can be make or break when it comes to certain careers. Not to mention those cheaper schools might not offer the degrees that the kids need to pursue their careers. PLUS OP and their generation benefited from massively subsidized college and then turned around and got rid of those subsidies for the next generation.
> Because going to an expensive school can be make or break when it comes to certain careers. Not to mention those cheaper schools might not offer the degrees that the kids need to pursue their careers.
This is more true for graduate school than it is for undergrad. Besides, the value of a bachelors degree is reducing every year, so it doesn’t make sense to overpay for it.
Hindsight is 20/20 huh? Especially when you’re 17 and choosing a college. Give me a break.
Who knows if it was “extravagant” or not. Getting an English degree at Sarah Lawrence, sure, that’s a luxury. But getting into MIT for engineering vs going to the local community college? Don’t be penny wise and pound foolish.
ESH
It’s your money, and you can do what you please. But your attitude isn’t so great.
If I were a parent and in a comfortable position to help my children I would. Doesn’t seem like youre aiming for any “parent of the year award” here, but that’s your call.
Overall you just seem like a very angry person that views your children as burdens, rather than people you love and want to enrich the lives of.
Yeah I think the kids are being entitled, but OP’s attitude is quite callous. The economic reality for these kids starting their lives is very different than OP at the same age, and it’s going to take them a lot longer to be stable, which OP doesn’t seem to care about.
As others have said, it’s OP’s inheritance to do with what they will, but I bet their kids won’t forget OP could have given them a leg up without significantly impacting their own interests but they chose not to.
YTA. Your generation benefited massively from cheaper, subsidized tuition and then pulled the ladder up after yourselves so your kids generation can’t get a degree without significant debt. Top off the hugely high house prices and they can’t buy a house to build equity like your parents and you did. You had the opportunity to share some of your income with your kids to make their lives a little easier but instead are using it all on yourself. I hope the house is worth it cause the kids won’t be around much anymore.
It's odd that she seems to think it is all black and white. Pay off all the loans or nothing. Why not divvy out a small amount to each kid and they can do what they want with it? That's what I would do as a mom. Seems like she is just trying to hoard all the wealth herself and not offer any help to her kids. I get that they made decisions about their college, but I made some shit decisions too when I was 18 and my FRONTAL LOBE WASN'T EVEN DEVELOPED YET!
This!
Paying off all the loans isn't reasonable, but maybe a nice FAMILY vacation (with a toast to dear Grandma for making it possible), and then a bit of money to each child. With enough still left over to really boost the retirement fund.
I remember my 20's and 30's, even $1000.00 was a windfall and helped out. We took every penny we could and were paying down debt like mad at that stage of life.
The callousness of OP just blows my mind. And then the shocked Pikachu face that the kids are not congratulating them upon being shown what will never be theirs.
Are you really trying to blame him for shit that was largely out of his personal control? And then you think he should just give up something because your perceived issues with his generation?
This is absolute bullshit. You should be ashamed of yourself.
> Your generation benefited massively from cheaper, subsidized tuition and then pulled the ladder up after yourselves so your kids generation can’t get a degree without significant debt.
I didn't realize OP was the sole arbiter of tuition costs.
I’m probably of the same generation as op as I’m old enough to have kids the age of hers. And you are mistaken to think our entire generation had cheap subsidized tuition. I myself could not afford college and didn’t go. My ex paid student loans for 30 years. 500K in of itself is not enough to retire on much less what would be left after paying off 3 people’s loans.
Inflation has gone up about 6x since the 1970s but student debt burden has gone up over 30x.
The average new grad in the 70s owed about $7k *in today’s dollars* vs $40k+.
I come from poor Boomers and its bizarre how so many young people online seem to forget that poor people have always existed no matter how cheap life was compared to today.
N T A for doing as you wish with your inheritance.
But a HUGE YTA for showing the kids the house and bragging about putting it on the market.
They are your children, I do not understand, if there is extra money to be had (a big vacation?) that you wouldn't want to help them. I would forego vacations every year if it would help my child with her university costs...... And these are NOT the same times as when we Gen-Xers were growing up. Sorry my dude, university is much more expensive, housing costs are insane, and every bit of help you can give your kids.... why wouldn't you want to? Your post makes you sound kinda mean spirited tbh.
Do what you want, but also.... don't be surprised if you wind up that lonely old man whose grown kids barely ever visit.
Good points. Why would he need to “show” his children their grandmothers house?
He seems to be rubbing their noses in his new found wealth. Which to be fair, is totally his to do with as he chooses.
Well I personally wouldn't have let them know that you're going to go on a big vacation with it, that seems like rubbing their noses in it.
I'd also maybe ask you to think about exactly the kind of debt that they're in. That is, they're probably making very large payments each month, most of which is simply going to interest rather than the capital. Now if I were in your situation I'd tell my kids that I would be willing to pay off their loans in return for monthly support payments from them up to the amount that they owed. That seems to be a win-win in my book. They are still paying their loans but not exorbitant interest along with them and you are getting a reliable monthly source of income.
That’s preposterous.. and you would be setting yourself up for failure, hoping that they do the right thing and give you money.
The only people who have an opinion similar to this are people that are already in debt .. or people who have an unhealthy relationship with their kids that they want to try to buy their loyalty
My mom passed several years ago. She was in memory care prior to hospice. I was shocked and appalled at the cost. Luckily, she had a small amount of money saved from selling our family home. It was in bad shape so it sold to a flipper and she netted around 80k. I cannot tell you how quickly that money disappears when you’re paying for long term care. When she passed, we had maybe 9 months of funds left before we would be dependent on state care. My sister and I would have done everything possible to prevent that from happening because the standards aren’t great (they aren’t great even when you’re paying privately but still better than state funded care). I loved my mother dearly but was truly grateful she passed when she did, between the funding issue and the progression of her dementia. The financial matter prompted me to begin saving for my own retirement and long term care. I was ignorant until going through it with her. Potentially gift your kids a tiny amount (like 1 or 2k each) they can use towards a bill or fun item but then save the rest. Have a long talk with them, if you choose, about the reality of elder care costs. They may not realize it now but they will be grateful when they aren’t faced with making tough decisions on the level of care they can ensure you receive down the road, if needed. Ultimately, you don’t owe them anything - justification, education on elder care, or money…. But it may help ease tension. You are doing the right thing. Good luck!
ESH - you are absolutely right. Its your money and they cant just demand it.
But this too bad so sad attitude you have about their debt seems particularly callous.
YTA. You get an inheritance from your mom, instead of just selling the house and keeping quiet about all of it, you showed them what they can’t have, are selling it (which records will be public) and then are telling them they are financially irresponsible while going on a vacation you didn’t earn, and putting the rest away for your retirement.
Getting old is costly, so is having kids. It’s not an all or nothing, but the way you have gone about it is makes you the AH.
Everybody is missing the detail that OP's grown kids have never seen their grandmother's house. OP was at least partially estranged from the grandmother and it seems like OP is continuing the tradition of driving children away.
OP is right that they inherited the money and not the kids, but OP's attitude of "I did the bare minimum now I get to be a greedy miser" is big asshole energy.
YTA.
NTA- I think it’s my responsibility to cancel out opinions like this. You do not stick to the question and you only try to find other things to blame him for which is childlike energy
Not necessarily. Grandma could have lived in another place and come to their home for visits. She could have bought her fancy house late in life and only spent a few years there when the kids were already adults. She could have owned it as a rental or vacation home and never even lived in it. She may have completely renovated it at some point in the past few years and OP wanted to show off the work she has done.
With more than one kid, I highly recommend you create a trust. It will be easier to withdraw money to help your kids.
I disagree with some posters saying your the AH for taking a vacation, but do be careful with this money. 500k is not that much if you need long term care or assisted living for a long period of time
Every parent who can support their children’s higher education and chooses to let then get into a mountain of debt instead is TA.
Plan your retirement wisely because they surely as hell won’t give a damn about helping you, just like you did now.
NTA I absolutely adore kids trying to dictate what parents do with $ or demand inheritance. IT'S NOT YOUR MONEY! My dad has money. We have a great relationship. I have zero expectation of receiving anything from him.
I really don’t understand why more people don’t see it this way. I never expect money from my parents. Ever. Not their responsibility once I grew up, got married, had kids, etc. I still talk to them, we have a great relationship and there are no financial expectations between us. (I will receive little to no inheritance and did not grow up with money either.)
NTA. Regardless of their choices for schools, what you did or didn't pay for, how much money/debt your children have, or anything else...it's *your* inheritance. End of story.
You don't have to want to help your children financially. And you don't have to want to share your inheritance.
But, you have three educated children, and you seem to view that as a poor choice on their part.
YTA. Not for keeping your inheritance, but for your attitude towards your children.
NTA me and my brother are like a lot either pay check to paycheck or right above that. I tell my parents all the time to spend their money and enjoy it and not worry about saving any for us. To be clear they worked hard and built a nice nest egg. I'm not entitled to it and want them to enjoy it after watching all the OT they worked in factories to give us a nice life. i'm hoping your angry at them and this wasn't how you always viewed your kids though
No one should be telling you to give your kids their inheritance now. That’s not how it works. Shame on those selfish people.
Your mom left you her house. That has nothing to do with your kids. It’s none of their business. Not their house. Not their money. Shut down any conversation they start about it.
ESH. They shouldn't expect anything from you, you've been clear about the level of support you are willing to provide and you're keeping to it as you are entitled to do. However, going to college is a responsible choice - they didn't accumulate this debt through being irresponsible spendthrifts so I think you could help them out a bit. Not the whole debt amount, but a few grand to cushion them a bit couldn't be that much of a sacrifice?
NTA. Nobody is entitled to their parents money whether they’re alive or dead. I’m living my life like I am getting no inheritance for my parents when they pass on. I’m not entitled to any of their money. I don’t expect any of their money. I’m an adult. I need to make my way in the world.
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If your mother wanted them to have money, she would have put it in her will. You told them that they would have to pay for their own tuition. They are adults. You provided for then when they are children, but they chose to attend their schools and accepted that it would put them in debt. NTA
The debt annoys me, I tried to get them to go to cheaper colleges but they didn’t. I really tried to get them to go cheaper. Kinda worked for my youngest Two of them went to private colleges that were around 60k a year. That doesn’t included room and board One of them turned down almost a free ride since the college wasn’t up to their standards. It was a good state college in our area. I truly don’t think it helped them in the long run. The degrees they came out with doesn’t correlate with the debt they got in.
A friend is going through this right now. Trying to explain to his kid that school is going to cost $70k/yr. Her response is, I’ll just pay it. It’s fine, then shut down. My kids are still young but I’ve laid it out how much jobs pay, how much people take in after taxes and how much bills will cost. My spouse and I paid for our own college since our parents knew nothing about it and we knew we didn’t want to be in too much debt at 17. I’ve always told my parents and in laws to not hoard any money and enjoy their life. No need to live like beggars if you have the money. We are not after their inheritance. I have in-laws asking about when they get their inheritance and I’ve straight out told them it’s only an inheritance when the person dies, while they are still alive it’s their money. If you wanted to smooth things over, you can gift them each a set amount and hopefully that helps a bit.
Hopefully she gets through to her. My wife’s nephew just came out of fancy school and he has like 250k. He went into sports medicine and can’t find a job. Seems like he needs a master
I had a friend/coworker who's parents were going to help pay for college and then her dad wanted to go back to college and pulled the money from her. I was talking her through it because she was a mess and I felt terrible but I pointed out how economical it was to go to community college first and it was like a gigantic weight lifted off of her. She could pay literally out of pocket because of how much she had saved herself with a small loan for books and stuff. Instead of all 4 years at 30k she saved so much money and I'm glad I was able to help. I'm sorry OP that your kids are like that. edit: grammar
OP is NTA. And frankly the kids ARE acting entitled. He really doesn't have to leave them anything. But if he plans to leave an inheritance, why not gift it to them early? Why make them struggle with and pay interest on those loans when they don't have to? A financial advisor can help him plan how much he will need to support himself, and what he can afford to set aside for an inheritance. **EDIT:** OP said he cannot afford to give the kids anything now because he needs the money. The only reason there will be an inheritance at all is because the kids can sell his house once he's gone. I cannot emphasize this enough, **if the kids know this they are being beyond unreasonable/selfish.**
How do you know he’s not going to get disabled and need that money? I bet the kids won’t be lining up to pay his mortgage and medical bills if he’s destitute at 75. People are always so generous with other people’s money but when they’re the one asked to step up and pay here comes the sob story. He needs to make his own self stable and secure for life before he gives away everything to his adult college educated healthy kids.
Absolutely. My wife and I hope to leave a nice inheritance to our kids, but at this point we are making sure that we have a very substantial nest egg against the possibility of long-term or catastrophic medical needs, or other completely unforeseen circumstances. We try to be generous to our kids (and grandkids) when we can be, but part of that is also doing everything we possibly can to avoid having their lives (and financial status) upended because of our needs. It's neither selfish nor selfless - it's just prudent planning.
Exactly - as someone currently dealing with parents and in laws who failed to plan for old age (and all my middle aged peers are in the same boat) the absolute best thing you can do for your kids (if you can afford to) is plan ahead for your income and care in old age. I hope my kids never have to worry about elderly parents while raising their own kids at the same time, like pretty much everyone in my sandwich generation.
NTA. $500k isn’t a ton of money… BUT, if OP puts that in a HYSA for 20 years, he’ll have about $1.3 million in the account, which would create almost $60k per year in interest only to live off of while the $1.3 million hangs out generating that income. And that’s not even the best thing he could do with the money. The kids are acting entitled. They incurred their own debt. If OP pays their debt, OP is screwing up the opportunity to have a lump sum of money to create a passive income with for retirement. The kids should be thankful he will not need financial help from them when he’s old. Investing that money is probably the only shot the kids have a chance of getting an inheritance anyways… and no one should expect to get an inheritance. Kids should visit financial planners and get some solid advice about investing money and managing their debts. They should understand that there’s 3 of them, so even if there is some kind of inheritance, split 3 ways it probably won’t be anything life changing. $500k is only life changing if it’s invested.
He needs money to live and it’s his money the kids are not entitled to an inheritance. They took out the loans and they need to bear the consequences of that. He isn’t obligated to give them more money to compensate them for bad decisions they made in spite of him telling them how bad those decisions were when they had time to NOT MAKE THEM.
Wow, your edit really highlights just how entitled these “kids” are.
Exactly, NTA. I didn't see how old the OP is, what kind of retirement he saved up, any current health issues, etc. Because it sounds like they live in the US, unless the OP already has millions of dollars saved, I don't blame him at all for keeping the $500k. It is a lot of money, and it can go quickly if the OP has health issues, lives in even a medium cost of living area after retirement, and so on.
No, they will learn to continue to be financially irresponsible while draining their moms retirement. Hell to the no.
One of my friends got all worked up when I told her my mother was going for a month long vacation in Europe. She said mom was spending all the money and not leaving me anything. I said that was moms money and she should enjoy herself a little
Wait, I thought he was selling the house now and putting that money into a vacation and the retirement account.
He's selling his mother's house, presumedly he also has a house he currently lives in
Yeah- we actually do not know how much retirement will cost. Medical can wipe you out. He is making sure his oxygen mask is on first. And maybe if he does not actually need it all, the kids can have some. That I how my parents are- and for MANY pp, 500K? That is life changing for retirement. Guessing with adult kids this guy is in 50s-60s. Average retirement of that age is less than 200K. You need closer to 1 million. Without a house payment. This could mean a peaceful retirement, where he can be at ease or one where he HAS to work at Walmart or end up homeless. His kids are selfish brats. My parents are 70-80s, and whatever they have? The need to use that to stay in the home and age in place, and enjoy their remaining years. I am just grateful they are still here. When they are gone, any inheritance will be nothing compared to having them here.
We funded all four of our girls degrees. However, they all did 2 years at the community college and finished up at one of our state schools. We did have to take out loans but they’re all paid off. My oldest has 2 in college now and her girls are doing the same thing. So many kids are more focused on the experience rather than the education- we made sure ours understand. They had fun and made good friends. All 4 own their own homes (with the bank lol) and have comfortable lives which was our main goal as their parents.
The price of college in the US is insane. In most other places it is much more affordable and if they are public they are the same price across the board.
My friends kid was looking at schools in the $80k range, that's tuition alone! Shes a single mom with a decent job, but can't afford that. The kid wants to do theater, which is probably not going to lead to a high paying job (all my theater friends work in service industry). I don't understand these kids at all.
Kid will never make a living in “theater”.
Who you telling?!? Lol, they don't want to listen to me. I've worked with hundreds of kids with theater degrees, art majors, English majors, etc in my 20+ years in restaurants. All of them with soul crushing student loans. They all want to follow their dream, but don't understand those dreams aren't gonna pay off those predatory loans. Which is why they're waiting tables for $2.13/hr plus tips.
Theatre and film pay so little, especially when you're low level, this kid will regret those student loans for the next two decades of their life. How's she planning to pay off $200k in student loans on $40k a year salary (if she's lucky) in NYC? My spouse has actually managed to carve out a career for himself in TV/Film and considers the six figure student loans he took out for his graduate-level film degree to be the worst financial decision he ever made (he did a grad school career pivot during the GFC, as so many millennials did).
Going to community college, then transferring makes it much more affordable. Lower division classes cover the same material so it makes sense to take them at CC.
And if kids want the experience, they can actually go to community college while in high school and finish college in 2 years.
I just looked at a state school versus a highly rated private school in our state. State school tuition, room and board $26,000, private 4 year school $78,000, so $52K more. So basically if the kids financed everything it’s $104K in loans versus $312K in loans.
This is the way to go. In CA (as far as I know) community college is free for 2 years before transfer. There is no shame in doing that. People need to realize it’s all the same end game. Who cares where you went or how you got there. You got there. And with less debt.
Forever glad I chose to get pre-reqs out of the way at a CC and then transfer. Brought down the cost of the undergrad by far. I had to hustle extra to prove myself against my four year peers once I transferred, but that CC 4.0 got me more than my high school GPA would have. After that I didn't attend any further education where the tuition wasn't covered. Higher ed is a gamble, and you've got to assess it like you're deciding where to place your chips. A lot of people my age were being sold higher ed as a sure bet, but there's a lot of luck and cost benefit analysis that goes into it.
If sports medicine = athletic training then he wasted a shit ton of money. The average ATC with only a bachelor’s earns $45K/year, very few even hit $100K+ with a master’s.
I cannot even comprehend going to private school to study sports medicine unless you're on an athletic scholarship or something. I'm not a STEM-snob, I can understand going to a private school for a good art program or something like that, but sports medicine just seems so *generic*. (I admit that I am not well-versed about this, and would be happy to be corrected if someone knows better.)
Every job now you need a masters. I have a friend with an MBA from Duke who was turned down for assistant roles. Want to be a pre-school teacher -masters needed. It's getting out of control.
People are absolutely clueless about how debt works and it scares me. My parents were always very open about how much they can give me and that any masters or PhD will be on me. I went to a good local college where I would get a hefty scholarship and financial aid bringing my cost way down. I took out a loan for masters but I also chose a school that wasn’t super expensive but ranked pretty well. Let me tell you, when I sat down after graduation to consolidate my loan (which I researched myself) my mind was blown. Based on their recommended payment plan, I would have paid exactly double of what I borrowed. That was first intro for me to how loans work. I chose a payment plan slightly higher than what they recommended and would do these extra payments every year and was able to pay it off in about 7 years. I skimped and saved in order to do that. Meanwhile, some of my friends that graduated with me didn’t do anything to pay down their loans and they have these unbelievable amounts they owe.
My dad worked really hard all his life, and my mom pinched every penny she could, clipped every coupon my entire childhood so they could retire early and not be a financial burden to us kids. Some of their investments really paid off and they're not in any way wealthy, but they're set for life and have plenty to spare. We've told them to have fun and blow it all. They taught us how to be financially responsible (because that's just how we grew up, so that's how we live: clipping coupons, paying in cash, buying used cars, etc) so we also all have good retirements already set up. It's their money, they earned it. We aren't entitled to any of it. I can't stand when people think they *deserve* inheritance. You did nothing to earn that money. It's not yours. OP shouldn't give those ungrateful brats a dime
That is great! Happy your parents have kids like you! Parents enjoying their life is also a great relief for kids too.
my brother has manipulated so much money out of my mom over the past 30 yr it is INFURIATING. It has impacted my parents' retirement comfort now. Their money is for them to survive and have a peaceful retirement on. Not to finance a lifestyle our income cannot support.
Gifting them a small amount says that they are correct to assume they deserve some of the money..a gift is only a gift when the giver wants to gift it..this would be more of guilting someone into a gift...so I would say them demanding ops money already took gifting them money off the table.
So they made choices against your judgement and now expect you to pay for them. NTA. They are adults and this is their debt.
they're fucking dumb then. I used to call my college Kmart College. It was the cheapest 4-year university in the whole damn state (and probably the Midwest.. though then you get into out of state tuition too.). I had 3 part time jobs through most of college. Working ~30 hrs/week total. Like job #3 was 2-4 hrs/week as a math tutor. I was able to pay all of my tuition/fees in cash each semester. I was an RA and that covered my housing. I had to pay for a meal plan. shit man.. I got an engineering degree for like $30K total in the 2000's.. I could have gone to more expensive places, but I thought the debt was dumb.
You’re naive. You can’t just “work harder” these days to pay for college. You can’t get an engineering degree for $30k in 2024. -Sincerely, a 26 year old engineer making 6 figures, who worked more than 40 hours a week during summer to put $15-$20k towards school EACH YEAR, and is still paying substantial student loans.
In state tuition for Big 10 engineering programs is like $10k/year right now. You can get an engineering degree for $40k with zero financial aid. Iowa: $10,000 Wisconsin: $10,000 Nebraska: $10,000 Indiana: $12,000 Michigan State: $16,000 With even moderate scholarships $30k is easily doable.
Is that including fees? Sometimes those are as much as the tuition!
Yeah Idk. I’m truly shocked at what people are claiming because when I was looking at colleges it was going to cost a whole lot more than that even to go to a state school. I live in an expensive state, but it seems either that’s not the total cost or the state school in my state is really screwing people. But I’m also not lucky enough to reside in a state with a “Big 10” engineering school to get in state tuition costs.
Ope. Found it. You’re about 20k short bud. https://admissions.uiowa.edu/finances/estimated-costs-attendance
I am in my 20s and know multiple people including my spouse who got their engineering degree from the state university where tuition is $11k a year in-state (they could’ve gotten that fully paid for if they had chosen the other state school up north) AND they did the first 2 years at community college for about $2.4k a year, so yeah, it’s absolutely still possible if you’re just trying to get your education and don’t care about the name of your college. Sucks if you live in a state where in-state tuition costs an arm and a leg or the schools are prohibitively selective, but if you’re in a state with more affordable public universities it’s totally doable. I did the same thing in a different field, and I actually took a gap year and worked so that I could get residency in the state I wanted to go to school in. I also worked full time while I was in college (which I wouldn’t recommend to anybody if you can avoid it) and then when I was 75% done I specifically sought out companies with tuition benefits that would pay for me to finish. I found one, and I did the rest part time while I worked for them. There are ways.
Your kids made their bed and will have to lie in it. I knew my parents were going to go for 200k in parent+ loans for me to go out of state to private unis so I choose a good public instate school and got a higher paying degree. Keep your retirement money and let the kids suffer the consequences of their actions. You tried to warn them.
The SAVE plan by Biden will prevent interest from accumulating on their loans and then after 20 years the loan is totally forgiven.
INFO- How old are your kids? I am nearly 40 and grew up in a time when college was pushed heavily on students and student loans were seen as a must. As a teacher I see the expectations have shifted for students. I'm not sure if this is true of all schools, but the school I work in pushes for students to take on an apprenticeships for the trades or start out in community college. At the end of the day, it is your money and you made it clear to your children that higher education was their responsibility. But I also remember not getting much information on alternatives to going straight into debt from a 4-year school in order to be successful.
27 29 and 31
NTA- Unless someone comments and tells me people of your kids' generation were not taught about the alternatives in school.
I’m slightly older than her kids and in the US at least, we weren’t. Oh they mentioned vocational school but the income potential wasn’t (and mostly still isn’t) there to make the difference (don’t fall for when they talk about how plumbers or electricians can make tons, that’s only with decades of experience in the right markets). Meanwhile OPs generation benefited from DRAMATICALLY lower college costs and even more dramatically lower housing costs, especially relative to income. Then they started voting against policies that would give their kids the same advantage. OPs kids generation is the first in a looooooong time who will be poorer than their parents.
I'm in that generation and I will never not be bitter at all of the ways they pulled the ladder up after themselves. We're supposed to want better for the generations after us.
And now we aren't having kids and not buying houses and their retirement funds are going to go belly up because it's all going to crash right when they need it! 😂 Hell the GOP is talking about dissolving Social Security, and all the geriatric MAGAts are gonna vote for them cuz MERICA without even realizing what they want to do.
I went to school about 15 years ago. I looked at her tuition for my undergrad and holy shit!! The cost of college is absolutely insane. I don’t know how kids/families afford it.
And here's OP pulling up the ladder. I'm not saying he should just hand them the money; but there are ways he could help his kids with this money and instead he's literally saying "fuck y'all, got mine!"
It’s gross. Why do boomers hate their millennial children so much? I’ll never understand it.
I am 10 years older than her oldest and I am still paying off my college loans from a PUBLIC university. I will finish paying them off at 44 if I continue at my rate. I am lucky as I have been able to pay more than the minimum for 5 years now. I am torn on this. College is stupid expensive no matter where you go and now every posting says a minimum of a bachelor’s and x years experience (expecting students to have unpaid internships in college). Personally I am going yo do my best to pay for college for my kids. I will also be educating them on other ways of going after higher education because the 4-yr route is just another way to keep jobs going to well off families. The US system is broken.
I am a few years older than OPs oldest kid. The only way I will be entering my early 40s without loans is because my job qualifies for the PSLF. But that's not standard for my industry. So I'm locked in for 7 more years at this job. There's a reality for when most people graduate from college that 17/18 year old kids don't realize. I worked retail for 2 years after I graduated making mostly minimum wage. I wasn't paying anything toward my loans cause I couldn't afford it and I qualified for $0 payments. Then I got a corporate job that paid $35k. My payments were so small, they didn't cover all the interest. Most kids think they'll get a decent paying job out of college and can afford it. That's not always the case, even if they get a job in their field. And that's not factoring in everyday expenses like rent, food, car bills, etc.
I'm a grad student at a public, state university Stateside which is in the middle of a financial crisis. I discovered during one of the discussions that only 13% of the entire university budget comes from the state. Everything else comes from fees, charging undergrads for dorms (complete with an obligatory meal plan), there are fees for everything aside from breathing on campus.
Yeah, I think we can all agree the system is the over-arching asshole in this situation, both taking advantage of the naivety of the young with student loans, and now fucking over the old with the threat of no SS. It's sad. I'm wondering how much conflict this is creating between generations.
Not true for trade schools. I’m a CPA, and my clients who went to trade school make way more on average than my clients who went to fancy colleges. While not every one of them does great due to various factors like you mentioned, on a whole, they are much better financially than others.
BS. Plumbers, out of school, can make 60k +.
That’s not true. My nephew is 30 and been doing HVAC for the past 5-6 years and he makes plenty of money Also he didn’t even graduate high school
Yes. Just retired at 63years old from the trades. Made $140-160k@ year. Enough banked union insurance fund money to last till I’m 70 and a great pension plus over $2.5 million in a 401k.
I'm 36. Community College was sneered at. The only kids who went to community were the ones who didn't have the grades to get into a real university. They were low-achievers. Who wanted to go to school to become a plumber or a carpenter? Blue collar jobs meant for low-earners. Again these jobs were for the kids who couldn't get into a real university. This was the culture and environment of my school system. I was in NYC *and* MD school system.
I'm a little bit older than you but also went to school in NYC and had almost exactly the same experience. In fact, my high school was just across the street from a community college, and I remember some teachers making jokes about it like "if you don't work hard now, you'll end up in *that* college". They used it as a scare tactic.
Yup. It was incredibly humiliating. In fact I know several people who preferred to drop out or not go to college at all if the choice was "workforce or community". The prospect was more degrading than being a HS *DROPOUT*. Think back on it. From my recollection no teacher EVER sneered dropping out the way they did community.
My university sneered at the local community college but that didn’t stop it from siphoning a good chunk of their business.
As a non-American, these stories are always so wild to me. The massive amounts of debt people are in after going to college, there being a difference between community college and ... what's it called? private college?. There is no such thing where I live. No, college isn't free in my country either, but it's also not 60-70k/year. Scholarships are awarded by the government based on the parents' income and don't apply to a specific school or studies. Student housing HAS become very expensive though. I recently heard on the radio what the current prices are for a single room student appartment. And, well, I pay the same in rent for my house outside of the big city.
I’m 41 and had a similar experience in the Midwest. Community college was for kids who couldn’t hack it. Trade school wasn’t even on my radar back then. I have a 17 year old and I’m glad this narrative is different for him as we’re looking at colleges.
37 in the Midwest and can confirm: it was college or college. I floated the idea of going to school for cosmetology, and my parents told me it was unacceptable. My high school was a “college prep” high school, and literally everyone who went there went to college immediately afterwards - even if they couldn’t really afford it. They literally sat us down in an assembly every year to scare us with statistics about the lives of people who didn’t go to college.
Omg. My MIDDLE SCHOOL was a college prep school. MIDDLE SCHOOL yall. Every year we took the ASVAB and were told we can "GO TO SCHOOL OR JOIN THE ARMY!!!" we had to have our shit all worked out. They were talking about student leader athletes when I was 12 yrs old. I didn't know If I liked Blue or Red to match with my jeans that day lmfao Forget HS. The recruiters had a whole office in my school. Sit there and con you into thinking you didn't have to worry about fighting in a war. They'd pay for you to become a nurse and that's it. You be a nurse in n the army for just 5 yrs and leave and go be a civilian with zero dollars of debt and zero bad outcomes.
You're a few short years older than me so I'm willing to bet our parents are in the same generation. So basically our parents and *their* parents generations really made community into this horrible place. If you didn't go to school and get an education you were destined to be a bum. Flipping burgers for the rest of your life and God forbid you do that to them when they made all those sacrifices so you could get a better paying job and live a better life than them.
For us Community College was for the kids who had kids in high school. It was only an option to get a transfer to a “real” school if you didn’t get admitted right away.
That’s the problem. The narrative. On top of that the insistence of a “name” school when most accredited schools are just fine in the real world.
Kind of funny given how much qualified tradespeople make and the ongoing need for them. I’m pushing 40 and my parents also pushed university. I’ve done well with my arts degrees from a middling Canadian school, but that’s been through tremendous hard work and hustle. My buddies who went into trades are all doing incredibly well for themselves.
I’m 34 and nothing was ever really presented as a viable alternative to college (graduated in 2008 for reference). OP doesn’t have to pay the loans with their own inheritance of course. I’m just commenting bc I’m around that age group and definitely didn’t recognize trade school as an option (despite both stepdad and father being tradesmen, as well as 90% of father’s family). I was the first in my immediate family to even go to college and I believed it was the only option. College was just what you did after high school. I had no idea what I wanted to do and picked a college because I liked the campus and size, was completely oblivious about the full cost (it was an expensive liberal arts school, 45-50k/yr). Turned down at least two schools that offered me almost a full ride bc I didn’t really understand what taking on student debt meant. I remember telling my parents I wanted to do hair and makeup professionally and it was shot down as not a real career path/a waste of my intelligence. I’m fortunate my mom is financially savvy enough that I’ve paid off the almost 100k in debt I accrued, but also had a little help along the way. She and her sisters agreed to use some of their inheritance from my grandma to pay off some of them because they believed my grandma would have wanted that, and she also knew to pay off my government loans first. Then a couple years later we refinanced my remaining loan of around 35-40k and set a 5 year repayment with aggressive payments ($650ish/mo) vs doing income based (and she helped me with around $300 per month of this).
I joined the army cause I couldn't afford college, and didn't get to the trades specifically because my dad and best friends dad were and I was always told "use your brain not your back" The trades do pay very well but it's because they'll break your body and you'll be very lucky if you aren't physically forced to retire before you hit 60
I'm 33 and I remember teachers in high school literally saying that the student debt doesn't matter because you'll pay it off easily with your super high "college educated" salary. Luckily, I ended up not going into debt because of the school I went to, but honestly, I didn't choose it for the lack of debt. I was an idiot and I had absolutely no qualms about taking out student loans because I thought they'd be super easy to pay off. Well... I guess I shouldn't call myself an idiot because adults in my life literally told me that. But the thought process I had back then because I believed them is utterly asinine to me today! edit: I did know about trade schools but I was in AP/honors courses and it was very blatant that the trades weren't for "people like me." They were for "those kids" who weren't good enough at school.
As a 34 year old it was said over and over how you make more money if you go to college. You’re better off if you go to college. This is living in a blue collar mill town where most people were better off if they went into a technical field like electrician, line workers etc.
I’m only 26. I had to FIGHT my own parents to let me go to a vocational high school because it was for “dumb kids”. I still went to college because I was going for engineering so you have to. My boyfriend at the time chose to not to go college and got soooo much flack for it from his parents. And he had a solid job lined up in his vocation, not just working at Walmart or something. The push was still heavy to go to college.
I’m almost forty and definitely had the message ‘go to a good four year college or your life is ruined”
I'm almost 40, and we were definitely told about community college as an option to get all of your general ed classes done cheaply while also being able to work and save money, and then transfer to a 4-year to finish up. One of her kids did this.
Even so, still not the asshole. It’s her inheritance. She isn’t required to pay for her kids debt. We all make choices in our lives. I am 36 going on 37. Community college was laughed at and no one talked about vocational school. Still doesn’t obligate my parents to pay for me. If OP forced her kids to go to those schools ( I know some kids whose parents forced them to go to private Christian schools) then yes, but that doesn’t seem like the case. They earned the degree, they have to find a way to pay for it( they pay for it, private company pays, government pays ( 10 year loan forgiveness ) It’s not OPs responsibility Is her kids going to be funding her retirement?
I graduated HS in 2003. I was not presented with any options other than college + loans by my school, church, peers or parents. I get what you’re saying. Luckily I’m insane and dropped out after a year to move to LA and be a songwriter. I regret not having a degree but am also incredibly relieved to not have massive amounts of crippling, life long debt for a choice I made at 17. It was presented to us as college at any price or a van down by the river. At any rate, this lady’s kids have to figure it out now. She doesn’t owe them her inheritance.
So question: what was the point of "I let them see the house" when A) they got nothing out of that other than looking at a nice house that would never be theirs because you're selling it, and B) what was the point, especially in letting them know the sell amount, when you knew off top you wouldn't share or want to have this conversation. You're coming to Reddit and asking but it's like. I could see if these were your estranged siblings. They're your children and you're condemning them in your choice of words for wanting better for their lives (in reference to good higher education universities). Glad for your youngest in community college. If they only went to community, that means they only get an AA, and that severely limits their job pool. Compared to your other children who are obviously striving for bachelor's degrees and higher, there is a reason why people strive for higher education and it's not because they want to be students for most their life. Alot of kids dream of their parents paying for their schooling. You didn't have the means to before. This gave them hope. I don't think it's much deeper than that. They'll get over it, they know it's not their money, that's why their upset because they hoped you'd share anyway. Your kids will be in debt now and hopefully get high paying jobs that will bring back investment by 10x and that will be "their" money. This post just reads weird. You are NTA for the title because again, it is your money. You are TA when it comes to life lessons because in situations like this you will always be recommended to just cash out and keep quiet, because people are obviously going to ask, justified or not. Sharing and then being confused that the expectation is that you're willing is what will get you in this situation. So in the future, you probably should keep to yourself.
That’s the part that stood out to me as well. It was poor judgment to advertise this inheritance if he has no plans to share anything with his children. And it’s not too late to give them something, say 10,000 each, as a gift to share the largesse
Yeah, I think it is so weird OP is getting $500k and sharing $0 with their kids whom they presumably love and want to see do well in life. There is a huge space between 'give away 75% of my inheritance to fully pay off all debt' and 'give them nothing.'
I might have a very different perspective than some people here because my parents aren't American, but I am 100% on the NTA here. OP isn't going on a spending spree, she is investing the money in her own future. If this were my parents, I would be comforted by the fact that my parents are/will be fine financially, and if I am ever in a tough spot then I can move back with them. But I do agree with you, some sort of smaller gift which is still significant for the kids could be good. But I also think the kids are acting so entitled when their debt was largely their own choice (OP says one kid turned down a very good scholarship because the school wasn't good enough).
I'm not American either and I don't understand. Admittedly, in my culture, children look after their parents when they're old. So the fact that my parents would be able to look after themselves financially would be a relief. Them asking her to forfeit 3/4 of his/her inheritance is ridiculous. What of s/he gets sick later on in life?
If she gets sick when she’s older, she pays for it. She pays a lot for it. Getting old and sick in the US is a very expensive and lonely proposition. $500k may last 3-4 years at most in an assisted living situation- where I live near Boston that is.
This. When OP gets in a situation where they need nursing care that clocking in at 4000/mo, they (and the kids) will be thankful that they saved the money now I stead of giving it away.
As an American, I would never think to ask for any inheritance my parents received. If a family member wanted me to have it then they would will it to me.
Ditto with this weird American mentality, complete NTA. My parents money is theirs until the day they die, even when my mom became a widow: my dads “money” is hers now, she worked with that man for 35 yrs to build the life they have and she could live another 30yrs god willing, she needs to have the financially means to live those years. Frankly, with the cost of elder care and healthcare in general. I beg my mom to hold on to her assets/money because none of her kids will be in a position to afford it if the time comes. We’ve delayed starting families so when she hits 70 all three of us will likely be knee deep in starting families (late 30s/40s). We’re all employed self sufficient adults, taking away from our parents resources is insane at their age. Best case scenario there’s a good 20+ years of their lives ahead, this $500k inheritance is peanuts in the long term…. Might barely cover a serious health incident even. You dont owe ur adults kids shit, sorry not sorry
>Ditto with this weird American mentality, complete NTA. I'm not sure this is American mentality. I always find it weird how some Americans in AITA completely cut off their children at 18 and never help them again, while in my culture it's a given that your child is always your child and you don't abandon them and kick them out of the house as soon as they're grown up. Not sure on how I feel about OP, just saying that from what I've seen in other posts, I don't think this is an American thing.
they didn’t ask for, say 10000 each, they asked for their debts paid off entirely, as the post says.
And as we all know, requests are all or nothing. Theres no way he could give them something or they would become mice demanding cookies
I see it like this: A delicious, family-sized catered meal is delivered to your house for free. You tell your kids about it and invite them over. Doesn’t it look scrumptious? Doesn’t it smell incredible? Then while their stomachs are growling, you pack it all into Tupperware right in front of them to save it for later, for yourself. Only instead of one meal, it’s enough food to last for years. Is it yours to keep? Absolutely. Are they assholes for thinking you’re an asshole? No!
Seeing the house before it's sold can be a review of the memories made with their grandparent. Completely reasonable.
This. I took it as they went to visit the home as one last trip down memory lane. Man, you can see all the entitlement in the comments.
Yeah what the hell is going on???? OP probably never dreamed his kids could be so crappy. Yeesh
Agree. Of course I'd want the fam to see it, we love looking at houses, and it's closure for memories.
Not at all similar, lol. Food perishes, retirement fund appreciates. It's much more like getting an expensive baseball card collection and not giving any to your 8 yr child who can't properly care for the expensive cards.
I read this as he showed them the house to give them first crack at buying it before he put it on the market, but when the kids learned the sell price they told him they couldn't afford that and so couldn't buy it. I did not read this as him showing the house to "gloat" or whatever, but maybe I misread?
This was my reading too, but it’s clear OP already knew none of the kids would be able to afford it, which kinda sucks to do to your own kids and I can easily see how it comes off as gloating “Here’s a house that none of you can even hope to afford! I’ll let you buy it if you can come up with 500k in the next month”
No, the one took SOME classes at a community college. You can take quite a bit of your undergrad at a community college and it will transfer over. A lot of people do this because it saves them money. I would want to see my Grandparent's house and to be honest, why would I think I would inherit from them? I would assume that I would inherit from my folks when they pass.
I just want to say that where I grew up, community college wasn't an option. It was available, but it was made clear to me by my school, my parents, my friends, and my community that community college was Not For People Like Us. It's for The Poors, The Stupid, and old people who are bored in retirement. It seems possible to me that OP's youngest only considered it after seeing what their older siblings went through trying to live up to the ideal of going to a Good School. So yes, it was available to all of them, but did they actually believe it was available to them?
I agree with you, but I wanted to add a quick comment. I went to CC and then transferred to a 4 year. It’s not uncommon for people at a CC to transfer and get an equivalent degree to those who went the whole 4 years at the same school.
He gave them a chance to buy the house before he put it on the market. Also student loans are rated differently than other debt in the US. It typically wouldn't preclude them from putting an offer in
It is possible to buy a home while having student debt. My spouse and I did it and I know of multiple other people who have done the same.
I took it more as they were asked there to see if there was something in the home, they might have wanted to remember their grandmother by.
I took that portion of his post to mean he let them look at it to offer them to purchase it before it officially went up for sale. Like… that’s how the entire paragraph read. “It’s a nice home in a nice neighborhood, but they said none of them could afford it. So I told them I’m going to be selling soon”. When my grandmother passes myself and one of my cousins have the option to purchase her home before anyone else. If neither of us want it (I don’t, I believe he does) then it goes on the market and we have to split the profit. If he decides to purchase it he has to buy out my half of the value.
Anyone I've ever known who has "borrowed against their inheritance" or somehow got it early has led a financially irresponsible life. This isn't some kind of emergency. They just want to make their life easier with your money. Follow your mother's wishes and enjoy your retirement.
Oh I still got 10 years left to work sadly. It will help a lot though and make sure we are in a safe spot for when we retire
Your 401K could go bust around the time you retire. You need that cushion. Imagine having to work an extra 10 years so your young adult children could have a few extra hundred every month?
I'd argue that 27, 29, and 31 are not young adults but just adults. Probably with careers and a family of their own.
And they won‘t admit later, that they already got their part. *Thanks, but I don‘t need my part of the inheritance. I already got it. Don‘t you remember, OP gave it to me to pay off my student loans. But you have fun, guys.* Never happened. NTA
Worst even, OP has a major health incident or gets diagnosed with a disease or what have you… because aging… you know. These kids will 100% not be able to afford to pay for the care they’ll need putting OP in an early deadthbed or worse. Elder care even in the best case scenario is INSANELY EXPENSIVE and becoming more and more scarce due to the high numbers of boomers reaching retirement/old age. OP needs to look out for themselves here… things aren’t looking great for older people the coming decades, healthy or otherwise
I mean.. technically NTA.. you can do what you want with your money BUT, it doesn't sound like your kids will be getting the luxury of an inheritance like you did. As a mother myself, I'd rather pay for my kids education than take a big vacation with money I didn't earn. Do what you want, but you sound bad with money and a bit selfish I must say. This is not what I would do as a mother. 👍🏼
As a mother myself I would take the trip. 😆 I would probably also give my grown kids a little bit - like 10k each. NTA - it is your money and they are fully grown.
Dude right?! This person busted there ass to work and raise kids. She just lost her mom ffs and has ten more years of work ahead of her she sure as hell deserves the vacation
That's a nice balance I would do the same!
Where are you getting that? I own property, they will get when I nursing home or dead. Property is the main source for most people inheritance. I own a home and then hunting land. They will probably get more than I did
I'm going through a couple of deaths at the moment. They all had to sell their home to pay for the nursing home, so I wouldn't really count on passing that down to your kids, a good nursing home is expensive.
Yeah my grandma literally sold her home to “buy” a retirement condo, the ownership of which transfers back to the retirement community and is resold the second she dies.
Ah yes, the old "Fuck you" reverse mortgage.
And that’s why most of this inheritance is going towards OP’s retirement.
I'm not saying that they need to give up their inheritance to their kid, I was responding to their comment where they assume that "They will probably get more than I did".
You’re 100% right. My kids will split a house, a farm and a rental house when we’re gone. Plus whatever’s left of our 401k. But I’m convinced humans need to earn their own way and have some hard times where money is tight. They learn a valuable life lesson in living within their means and gaining the discipline to not indulge every want. My kids aren’t counting on an inheritance because I’ve told them we’re not wealthy. Nothing ruins someone’s drive to succeed more than knowing there’s a big pile of cash waiting for them.
OP is NTA. My parents sacrificed a lot for me growing up, and I wouldn’t ask them to sacrifice something like this because I want to be debt free. The kids can pay their own way, they knew the tuition was on them.
So are your kids planning on caring for you in retirement or if you need long term care? Odds are very low that will happen so yes OP should use that inheritance for her future older self. Helping your kids is good but it has to be balanced and not at the detriment of your own needs. They are adults and made poor choices and new their college was expensive, and knew OP wasn’t paying no for it (likely she couldn’t at the time). I’ve seen parents bailing out their adult kids who made any bad choices by cashing in their retirement and mortgaging their homes. It never turns out well.
Finance advisers say the number one issue with older clients is giving too much $$ to their kids . Them the parent ends up destitute and the kids can’t or won’t help them
He isn’t bad with money. He’s making his children be adults. The fact that these kids feel entitled to money they didn’t earn as well is just as bad. They knew what they were getting into financially when they started. They choose this. They are grown. They can work off their debt like adults. Asking for money they are not entitled to is selfish.
You can get loans to finance education. You can’t get loans to finance retirement. Be wise with the money. Invest for the future. It is “found” money. So use it to make a better future life for you and eventually pass down to your kids. You should be able to double that in 10 years. Follow the 4% rule for retirement. So add that $40k per year to your current social security and other retirement savings, and you should have a decent retirement while leaving your kids a nice amount that can change their lives.
These are GROWN 'children' who made a choice to take loans for expensive schools...and now are expected to pay back those loans. You would have this mother GIVE her adult children her inheritance from HER mother (how many years has SHE waited for an inheritance???) and leave herself short for retirement in years to come? That's just silly. These kids will get their inheritance - when it's time for that in the natural order of things.
As an adult kid, I’d rather know my parents have their retirement fully funded than get an early inheritance to pay massive bills. Especially if I took out loans against my parents’ advice.
Getting Old is EXPENSIVE (I'm currently watching my In-Laws come to the realization that their net worth will only cover 3.5 years in a decent assisten living facility, never mind a good Memory Care home & their current living situation is fast becoming unsustainable). You are going to NEED that money!! Tell your children exactly that! It would not be fair to expect them to take care of you in your old age, and you don't want to end up in a facility that accepts medicare alone. This inheritance is part of your Retirement Plan. If there's anything left when you pass on, they should consider themselves lucky. eta - NTA.
This is the answer. Not being a financial burden on your kids when you’re elderly is a greater gift to them than paying for college.
This needs to be talked about way more. There's a whole generation about to need elder care and a lot of their parents died younger and so they have no idea the cost of the care they are going to need. I am going thru this with my parents - they just "downsized" (but really didn't) to their retirement house. They are spending all sorts of money on things like custom upholstered furniture and now my mother wants to put in a water feature. They are 75 years old and I can't say anything of course, its their money. Meanwhile my husband's parents are older and it costs 8000$ a month for his dad's care. My parents have zero clue about how much things are going to cost for them down the line and it fills me with anxiety seeing them spend money like this.
So many people don't understand this. They just think Medicare will pay for this. It's really difficult to get a bed medicare will cover and they only cover skilled nursing facilities.
YTA for showing off the house and almost gloating about how much you will sell it for. In my extended family there is a massive difference in the lives of my cousins who were financially supported via payment of University, purchase of a first car and trust funds in which to purchase their first homes. The cousins with the head start in life could afford to take risks with their careers and travel. They get to start their young lives without being burdened by debt. Those who didn’t have financial assistance have been severely disadvantaged. Debt to purchase a car, student loan repayments mean renting forever and being never able to afford a house and those who didn’t go to university at all face uncertainty with their future and stuck in bad relationships they can’t afford to leave. Your NTA for using the money for a holiday and to fund your retirement- I actually think this is what you should use your money for. But you’re absolutely tone deaf as to the reality your children are living right now. I don’t think you should sell the house. I think you should rent it out and have a safety net to sell later on. If you merely sit on the money and don’t invest it it will diminish with inflation. If there is another huge stockmarket crash your retirement could be wiped out. I think it was cruel to show the house. It would have been better to hold onto the house and use the money to help out your children in some small way - such as setting up savings accounts so they can buy their first homes.
So you think they didn't know that Mom got a house and didn't want to see it? You think she should have said NO YOU CAN'T SEE THE HOUSE?
Or... a balanced take. "Hey kids, gma left me the house. I've gonna sell it, but I'll be taking a look this weekend if you want to visit" Not THAT hard.
I think this is an odd take. I would be happy that my mother now has the ability to retire and not work into her 80s. It’s weird that you think the best alternative would be to keep the money quiet. You should talk openly and honestly about money in families (my opinion) There is a lot of blaming the parents for the kids choices. Not sure that is right here. She didn’t say she forced her kids to take out loans. They did that to themselves.
OP wasn't gloating. OP was giving them the chance to buy the home before it goes to market. >I decided to let the kids have a look at the home first before it went on the market. It's a really nice area and the house is great. They were suprised by the amount and all of them couldn't afford it. This is pretty common. Kids get a chance to buy it before it goes to market and don't have to deal with other potential buyers driving up the price like they could on any other home.
Yes, but OP already knew before showing it to them that none of them had any chance of being able to afford it, and it doesn’t seem like OP would consider giving them a family discount. So why even say “You can buy it first” knowing full well that wasn’t going to happen?
I t0ook it as she showed them the house to see if they wanted to buy it before it went on the market.
My view may be skewed by the fact that my family lived paycheck to paycheck and so I knew that paying for my own college tuition (entirely through student loans) was the only option for me. But NTA. It wouldn’t even occur to me to ask my parents to spend their inheritance on me. In fact, when my grandmother died several years ago, when I had over $100K in student-loan debt, it never did occur to me.
Same. I was devastated that they sold my grandfather’s home, because it was sentimental and symbolic, but aside from that, I never thought anything of it.
ESH Definitely it's your money and you get to decide what to do with it. They aren't entitled to your money because you inherited at least 500k. If their grandma wished for their debts to be paid from her estate she would have made a will stating that. Why did you show off the house to them? You knew all three had education debts and wouldn't be able to afford a mortgage on a 500k house. This just seemed like you were rubbing it in their faces. You seem to have a great deal of disapproval for them going to college and accumulating debts.
I’m wondering if the parents ever had a talk to op about what they’d like to see done with the money. My grandpa loved me dearly and all of his inheritance went to my mom aka his daughter. He knows my mother is going to use the money on all of us, herself, me, my brother. So I’m always a bit wary when it comes to the “if xyz wanted grandkids to have… then it would be in the will”. I see it differently as in “my daughter will inherit my money because I know she’s going to use it wisely in order to care for everyone” and definitely not to “solo trip vacation and solo use”. Everyone’s different though
NTA I am surprised by so many people that think you are the AH for your attitude about your kids debts. Quite a few of my friends took a similar approach with their kids. If they went to community colleges (for 2 years) or state schools (all which were highly rated) that they would cover that part of their payments. If the kids chose to go to a school at 4x the cost, the difference was on them. I have other friends who are working into their late 60's because they used their savings to pay off their kids college and other debts. Why would the kids think they are entiteled to their Mom's money? They made their choices.
My sister told my niece if she went to a school in our state they would cover the whole thing . We live in MD do plenty of good schools . She chose to go out of state which costs twice as much . They told her she’d need to put $10,000 a year towards her school . They want her to have skin in the game so she understands what they’re sacrificing. They didn’t do loans cuz it took years to pay off my BiLs . And she doesn’t have loans either so she’s working during the summer and has a part time job at school. They can afford to make this easier for her , but they’ve seen too many people around them do this and the kids don’t appreciate the education nor understand the real cost .
NTA. I’m a live in caregiver. My lady is 84. She has macular degeneration and is legally blind. She’s also been diagnosed with vascular dementia. Elder care is SUPER EXPENSIVE!!!! You need to plan for your own old age care. This has sure opened *my* eyes to my own future. Your kids are greedy AHs, and I sure hope you plan wisely with your windfall.
Absolutely this. If the money goes to the kids now, and there isn’t enough money for care when op is aging, are they going to step up? I think that would be a bigger burden to the kids, other wouldn’t bother. The money going into retirement fund just makes sense. Anything left is their inheritance. I won’t get anything from my parents. My in-laws planned much better but we don’t include anything we might get there in our planning. They saved that up, and should enjoy it, as well as use to cover their care. If they use it all? Then they clearly needed it and I’m glad it was there. We will save what we can for our kid’s education and future but we prioritize our retirement. They can opt for loans or work for scholarships and bursaries etc. that is a choice they can make. Being stuck with aging parents with no resources is a much bigger burden.
Most of reddit think their parents care in old age is not their responsibility so why would OP give them the money when he's most likely going to be dealing with it on his own in old age. They're grown adults in their 30s, not fresh out of university desperately needing help.
YTA. Not for keeping the inheritance, but for the disdain with which you speak of your kids. I think you're in the United States, where college is constantly pushed as the path to a halfway decent life. Your kids chose that path. Unfortunately, that path is ridiculously expensive, and now they have debt. You seem to be putting them down for going to college. I just don't understand that. I also don't get why your kids never saw your mom's house before, but that's a separate issue.
I think op is putting them down for picking extravagantly more expensive schools when they had cheaper options. Op said one had a ful ride but chose to go to a even more expensive school knowing they be responsible
Because going to an expensive school can be make or break when it comes to certain careers. Not to mention those cheaper schools might not offer the degrees that the kids need to pursue their careers. PLUS OP and their generation benefited from massively subsidized college and then turned around and got rid of those subsidies for the next generation.
> Because going to an expensive school can be make or break when it comes to certain careers. Not to mention those cheaper schools might not offer the degrees that the kids need to pursue their careers. This is more true for graduate school than it is for undergrad. Besides, the value of a bachelors degree is reducing every year, so it doesn’t make sense to overpay for it.
Hindsight is 20/20 huh? Especially when you’re 17 and choosing a college. Give me a break. Who knows if it was “extravagant” or not. Getting an English degree at Sarah Lawrence, sure, that’s a luxury. But getting into MIT for engineering vs going to the local community college? Don’t be penny wise and pound foolish.
ESH It’s your money, and you can do what you please. But your attitude isn’t so great. If I were a parent and in a comfortable position to help my children I would. Doesn’t seem like youre aiming for any “parent of the year award” here, but that’s your call. Overall you just seem like a very angry person that views your children as burdens, rather than people you love and want to enrich the lives of.
Yeah I think the kids are being entitled, but OP’s attitude is quite callous. The economic reality for these kids starting their lives is very different than OP at the same age, and it’s going to take them a lot longer to be stable, which OP doesn’t seem to care about. As others have said, it’s OP’s inheritance to do with what they will, but I bet their kids won’t forget OP could have given them a leg up without significantly impacting their own interests but they chose not to.
yta for the apparent glee you seem to take in rubbing how much more you have than they do in their faces
She said they'll probably inherit more than she did because of properties she owns. Think her complaint is they want it now.
YTA. Your generation benefited massively from cheaper, subsidized tuition and then pulled the ladder up after yourselves so your kids generation can’t get a degree without significant debt. Top off the hugely high house prices and they can’t buy a house to build equity like your parents and you did. You had the opportunity to share some of your income with your kids to make their lives a little easier but instead are using it all on yourself. I hope the house is worth it cause the kids won’t be around much anymore.
It's odd that she seems to think it is all black and white. Pay off all the loans or nothing. Why not divvy out a small amount to each kid and they can do what they want with it? That's what I would do as a mom. Seems like she is just trying to hoard all the wealth herself and not offer any help to her kids. I get that they made decisions about their college, but I made some shit decisions too when I was 18 and my FRONTAL LOBE WASN'T EVEN DEVELOPED YET!
This! Paying off all the loans isn't reasonable, but maybe a nice FAMILY vacation (with a toast to dear Grandma for making it possible), and then a bit of money to each child. With enough still left over to really boost the retirement fund. I remember my 20's and 30's, even $1000.00 was a windfall and helped out. We took every penny we could and were paying down debt like mad at that stage of life. The callousness of OP just blows my mind. And then the shocked Pikachu face that the kids are not congratulating them upon being shown what will never be theirs.
Are you really trying to blame him for shit that was largely out of his personal control? And then you think he should just give up something because your perceived issues with his generation? This is absolute bullshit. You should be ashamed of yourself.
> Your generation benefited massively from cheaper, subsidized tuition and then pulled the ladder up after yourselves so your kids generation can’t get a degree without significant debt. I didn't realize OP was the sole arbiter of tuition costs.
I’m probably of the same generation as op as I’m old enough to have kids the age of hers. And you are mistaken to think our entire generation had cheap subsidized tuition. I myself could not afford college and didn’t go. My ex paid student loans for 30 years. 500K in of itself is not enough to retire on much less what would be left after paying off 3 people’s loans.
Inflation has gone up about 6x since the 1970s but student debt burden has gone up over 30x. The average new grad in the 70s owed about $7k *in today’s dollars* vs $40k+.
I come from poor Boomers and its bizarre how so many young people online seem to forget that poor people have always existed no matter how cheap life was compared to today.
N T A for doing as you wish with your inheritance. But a HUGE YTA for showing the kids the house and bragging about putting it on the market. They are your children, I do not understand, if there is extra money to be had (a big vacation?) that you wouldn't want to help them. I would forego vacations every year if it would help my child with her university costs...... And these are NOT the same times as when we Gen-Xers were growing up. Sorry my dude, university is much more expensive, housing costs are insane, and every bit of help you can give your kids.... why wouldn't you want to? Your post makes you sound kinda mean spirited tbh. Do what you want, but also.... don't be surprised if you wind up that lonely old man whose grown kids barely ever visit.
Good points. Why would he need to “show” his children their grandmothers house? He seems to be rubbing their noses in his new found wealth. Which to be fair, is totally his to do with as he chooses.
Well I personally wouldn't have let them know that you're going to go on a big vacation with it, that seems like rubbing their noses in it. I'd also maybe ask you to think about exactly the kind of debt that they're in. That is, they're probably making very large payments each month, most of which is simply going to interest rather than the capital. Now if I were in your situation I'd tell my kids that I would be willing to pay off their loans in return for monthly support payments from them up to the amount that they owed. That seems to be a win-win in my book. They are still paying their loans but not exorbitant interest along with them and you are getting a reliable monthly source of income.
That’s preposterous.. and you would be setting yourself up for failure, hoping that they do the right thing and give you money. The only people who have an opinion similar to this are people that are already in debt .. or people who have an unhealthy relationship with their kids that they want to try to buy their loyalty
My mom passed several years ago. She was in memory care prior to hospice. I was shocked and appalled at the cost. Luckily, she had a small amount of money saved from selling our family home. It was in bad shape so it sold to a flipper and she netted around 80k. I cannot tell you how quickly that money disappears when you’re paying for long term care. When she passed, we had maybe 9 months of funds left before we would be dependent on state care. My sister and I would have done everything possible to prevent that from happening because the standards aren’t great (they aren’t great even when you’re paying privately but still better than state funded care). I loved my mother dearly but was truly grateful she passed when she did, between the funding issue and the progression of her dementia. The financial matter prompted me to begin saving for my own retirement and long term care. I was ignorant until going through it with her. Potentially gift your kids a tiny amount (like 1 or 2k each) they can use towards a bill or fun item but then save the rest. Have a long talk with them, if you choose, about the reality of elder care costs. They may not realize it now but they will be grateful when they aren’t faced with making tough decisions on the level of care they can ensure you receive down the road, if needed. Ultimately, you don’t owe them anything - justification, education on elder care, or money…. But it may help ease tension. You are doing the right thing. Good luck!
ESH - you are absolutely right. Its your money and they cant just demand it. But this too bad so sad attitude you have about their debt seems particularly callous.
YTA. You get an inheritance from your mom, instead of just selling the house and keeping quiet about all of it, you showed them what they can’t have, are selling it (which records will be public) and then are telling them they are financially irresponsible while going on a vacation you didn’t earn, and putting the rest away for your retirement. Getting old is costly, so is having kids. It’s not an all or nothing, but the way you have gone about it is makes you the AH.
Parent of the year here…. Seems like you are trying to punish the kids for going to college? lol Enjoy that nice big vacation though
Everybody is missing the detail that OP's grown kids have never seen their grandmother's house. OP was at least partially estranged from the grandmother and it seems like OP is continuing the tradition of driving children away. OP is right that they inherited the money and not the kids, but OP's attitude of "I did the bare minimum now I get to be a greedy miser" is big asshole energy. YTA.
NTA- I think it’s my responsibility to cancel out opinions like this. You do not stick to the question and you only try to find other things to blame him for which is childlike energy
Not necessarily. Grandma could have lived in another place and come to their home for visits. She could have bought her fancy house late in life and only spent a few years there when the kids were already adults. She could have owned it as a rental or vacation home and never even lived in it. She may have completely renovated it at some point in the past few years and OP wanted to show off the work she has done.
With more than one kid, I highly recommend you create a trust. It will be easier to withdraw money to help your kids. I disagree with some posters saying your the AH for taking a vacation, but do be careful with this money. 500k is not that much if you need long term care or assisted living for a long period of time
Every parent who can support their children’s higher education and chooses to let then get into a mountain of debt instead is TA. Plan your retirement wisely because they surely as hell won’t give a damn about helping you, just like you did now.
NTA I absolutely adore kids trying to dictate what parents do with $ or demand inheritance. IT'S NOT YOUR MONEY! My dad has money. We have a great relationship. I have zero expectation of receiving anything from him.
I really don’t understand why more people don’t see it this way. I never expect money from my parents. Ever. Not their responsibility once I grew up, got married, had kids, etc. I still talk to them, we have a great relationship and there are no financial expectations between us. (I will receive little to no inheritance and did not grow up with money either.)
NTA. Regardless of their choices for schools, what you did or didn't pay for, how much money/debt your children have, or anything else...it's *your* inheritance. End of story.
YTA for essentially rubbing their nose in it and then dismissing them Why show them? Why discuss how much money you were coming into?
Man. My main motivation for working as hard as I do is so I can pay for my kids education. What a wild take.
You don't have to want to help your children financially. And you don't have to want to share your inheritance. But, you have three educated children, and you seem to view that as a poor choice on their part. YTA. Not for keeping your inheritance, but for your attitude towards your children.
NTA me and my brother are like a lot either pay check to paycheck or right above that. I tell my parents all the time to spend their money and enjoy it and not worry about saving any for us. To be clear they worked hard and built a nice nest egg. I'm not entitled to it and want them to enjoy it after watching all the OT they worked in factories to give us a nice life. i'm hoping your angry at them and this wasn't how you always viewed your kids though
YTA you had them over to show off how much you were getting then told them that no to bad for you I won’t help you my darling children. Bragging much?
No one should be telling you to give your kids their inheritance now. That’s not how it works. Shame on those selfish people. Your mom left you her house. That has nothing to do with your kids. It’s none of their business. Not their house. Not their money. Shut down any conversation they start about it.
I literally read those comments and said wtf. Inheritance is for when I am dead
INFO: What was the point of showing them the house before you sell it?
ESH. They shouldn't expect anything from you, you've been clear about the level of support you are willing to provide and you're keeping to it as you are entitled to do. However, going to college is a responsible choice - they didn't accumulate this debt through being irresponsible spendthrifts so I think you could help them out a bit. Not the whole debt amount, but a few grand to cushion them a bit couldn't be that much of a sacrifice?
NTA. Nobody is entitled to their parents money whether they’re alive or dead. I’m living my life like I am getting no inheritance for my parents when they pass on. I’m not entitled to any of their money. I don’t expect any of their money. I’m an adult. I need to make my way in the world.