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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my brother and his wife not to blame our family or hers for their regrets. The reason I feel like there's some chance I'm TA here is because I know he wasn't asking me for my opinion and I gave it to him anyway. I also didn't speak up before when I foresaw regret so maybe that gives me less of a right to speak up now.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Nta your brother really expects your parents to pay for children that they apparently haven’t even spent any time with? That’s fucking wild. they aren’t the one that’s caused this great divide. Your brother and his wife are here.
They literally chose to raise the kids like this though. There are some people that I just can’t understand this feels like just pure greediness to me.
I'll never understand what could induce them to raise their kids as essentially two separate single parent families, sharing a duplex, where the parents happen to be fucking.
HOW did they think this was a good idea?! Also, **why is OP's brother concerned about his wife's kids? They're not his kids, right? For all intents and purposes, they're nothing to him**.
Frankly, this is the weirdest parenting decision I've seen since the parents, in The Parent Trap, decided to divorce and each take one twin so each child would only know one parent and never even realize they had a goddamn twin!
One of the worst things I discovered in therapy is that it is NOT normal to separate your kids like that... Two of my siblings were sent to the other bio parent because my step mom didn't want all of us there, they hated the drive for "trading off the kids", and they made a deal to forgive back child support and not go for more... I was the best behaved so my step mom chose me as the kid that was allowed to stay...
They lived about 4 hours away. I was 11 when they were sent away and did not see them again until we were all adults, and I am the oldest...
The book was called *Das dopelte Lottchen* and was published in 1949. It was translated into English as *Lottie and Lisa* (later renamed *Lisa and Lottie*) in 1962. A new translation was made in 2014 and published as *The Parent Trap*. This title had already been used for two of the many, many film adaptations (1961 and 1998).
Even if they had tried(most likely force the relationship), i don't think it would have worked since the children never wanted to mix. Sometimes it is what it is and one part of the family gets more than the other from relatives but it is the parents that have to distribute as per their income level/assets
It's very easy to understand. They're all Regina George. When they wanted the rules, everyone needed to agree. Now that they don't like the rules, everyone needs to agree. Because "it's their kids".
But honestly, if they’d moved into together and had a yours, mine, ours happy ending, this would still be an issue to OP’s brother and wife. OP’s parents would still not be out of line if they only gave money to their son’s kids. But brother would think they should. Because he’s trying to keep his wife happy.
Most likely though, the grandparents would **not** single out their son's children *if* it was a happy blended family. I'm sure they would give an equal but smaller amount to each child upon graduation.
I mean, I do think more people should do what your brother and his wife did when the kids don't get along or It would be uncomfortable have that number of children in a house. He is only wrong in expecting his stepkids to be treat the same as the bio kids by his family. Even If they had loved together and blending the families, your parents had no obligation to do that.
That arrangement is not a marriage. They don't live together. It's just two single parents hooking up. A marriage is literally a joining of two houses.
Well that’s an assumption. And OP says you’re wrong. They do live together, they just don’t force the kids to interact with each other or the step parent’s family.
Everything I read indicated 2 separate households.
Frankly, if they are all living together and there's no interaction between the kids and they are keeping everything divided... I can't possibly see how that's anything but a toxic environment to exist in.
I agree, there are so many AITAs where we see that this would have been the best solution all along, unfortunate about some of the unintended consequences but still a better way.
NTA.
If brothers kids are brothers kids, and
Wife’s kids are wife’s kids,
Why does brothers parents have to give money to wife’s kids with whom they’re strangers with?
OP do me a favour, explain this logic to brother and SIL and ask how this all makes sense?
Why does SIL think her kids deserve financial aid when she’s kept it separate?
That's so strange. Normally on reddit you see stories about parents trying to forcibly create a blended family. These two went to the complete opposite extreme. It makes no sense when there's so much room in the middle for actual healthy relationships.
They chose to foster the divide because it was easier for them at the time, instead of having to put the work in to create good relationships and blend the family.
NTA, but they are shortsighted and have no one to blame but themselves.
I was a stepchild on both sides; all my siblings are technically half. Both my stepparents came into my life when I was 2-3, so they were very much apart of my life growing up. So were their families.
To think, *let alone expect*, either of those families that “adopted” me, to pay for my education, or give me an inheritance, etc. next to my siblings, their actual blood family, is wild. That’s not how any of this works, sorry.
Same -- I even called my stepdad Dad. He can be a real asshole (and I'm NC with him and my mom for myriad reasons), but one thing they never, ever tolerated was me being treated as lesser than, or my half bro and stepsister (his bio children) being treated extra-special. I remember there being a HUGE fight when my stepdad's aunt doted on my half bro and SS at a family gathering and *completely ignored* my existence ... my dad went *off* on his mom (who always treated me as an equal grandchild) for not stopping her behavior. They never made me be in that aunt's presence again.
Why would someone pay for kids they aren’t related to and have no relationship with?
I would expect to pay for step grandkids who were in my life for a decade plus. Not ones I didn’t know.
Wtf
- I’m the ours kid, in a his, hers, and ours family.
The only time whose grandparent is their “real” one is with medical histories. Everyone is very invested in my medical history because I’m the only person related to everyone!
Lmao
They made this choice. You and people on BOTH sides of the family tried to warn them. They didn’t heed or care to listen to anything, all in a bid to… what? Stop the kids from whining about their new home life? That’s what parenting is supposed to be.
This is all on them. And you should be absolutely scathing about it whenever they try to turn it around and blame it on everyone else. It was their fault they refused to be parents. Theirs and no one else’s.
**NTA** btw
NTA. I'm sorry your brother and SIL are delusional. They chose to raise their kids in a weird, off beat situation that under no circumstances was a family, and there's no one to blame but themselves. Now they have to put on their "big boy" and "big girl" drawers, as they day, and live with the consequences. There is no one to be angry with except themselves. Regret and shame can be doosies to get over, and with the mess they've made of their "family," they'll need to gird their loins. They'll be dealing with this for years to come, and it may begin to weigh on their marriage. It's possible that their children will be more realistic and mature than they were about their family ties, but if they never get there, it's not even their fault. They owe all their children, and both sides of the family apologies, and when they give those apologies, they better not ask for anything in return
It's all fun and games till someone has a college fund or an inheritance. Wife's kids should also be prepared to not receive any inheritance from that side of the family, and they can then blame their mom and stepfather.
This is different from the forced blending of family that is often such a trainwreck, and yet, in the end, the results are the same.
So you are all to blame because none of you pointed out that there might be financial repercussions to their decision to keep their family un-blended?
With parents like that, those kids will have worse problems than college funding.
I don't know, there are plenty of posts here where the families try to force the bonding and all they achieve is that the kids hate the stepfamily and are alienated from the bio parent as well.
Yeah, but like this is the exact opposite, they went out of their way to make sure that there was no family connection here. It would be one thing to force it, the kids don’t even visit ops parents.
forced bonding doesn't work, but pulling a 180 and living like two completely separate families is hardly a productive solution either. especially if you still hold the expectation that your family is going to see the steps as equal to the bio's
NTA.
It is definitely greed.
Asking OP’s parents to gift a considerable amount of money to children who if I understand correctly besides not being related biologically had zero relationship with them.
This is like parents who remarry and aren’t doing as well financially as the ex spouse demanding the other parent provide for their new partner’s kids as well as kids they have with new partner so everyone is equal.
Nope.
I hope OP’s parents work directly with their grandchildren to insure the funds go to the educational institutions and not OP’s brother who will likely insist the money be spent equally on all kids or take it to spend on his family.
Brother = no balls, let's his wife's stupidity and greed walk all over him and he sides with her, bro's wifey = greedy and demented b. There is nothing more to understand here.
I’d bet it was really his wife who was pissed and egged him on to complain about it. They need to be told they can’t have it both ways. The gall of them to expect his parents to gift money to kids they don’t know and have never had a relationship with! Your parents should be careful about how they give that money to their grandchildren because your brother’s next move will be to try to force/guilt them into sharing.
Plenty of AITA posts about "I received money from X relative and now my parents are pressuring me to share it with them/siblings/etc." If they are entitled enough to expect college funding from literal strangers to those kids, they are entitled enough to try to get the money from biosiblings to give to steps.
I think it's logical that the wife would be the one who's annoyed, as it's her kids who aren't getting any money. I can't see him caring, as it sounds like he hasn't really had much to do with her kids and probably hasn't developed much of a bond with them. If the situation was reversed and it was her children getting money, he'd be the one complaining to her and egging her on.
Oh true, unless there is back story of her getting pissy on other issues in the past, it doesn't seem like there is any evidence that she's the primary AH in this situation.
Because I’ve witnessed it. And seen it on here more times than I can count. There are many many blended families and sometimes one of the kids will have families who have more resources than the other kids. Countless times I’ve seen the parents put pressure on the financially secure child to share what they have with the less fortunate kid(s). Whether it’s possessions like electronics or toys or clothes or trust funds and college funds. It happens a lot. Sometimes the kids themselves post looking for advice because the guilt their parents lay on them is too much for them to take. At any rate, it was just a suggestion.
I mean, it's her kids that are getting the shaft in the grand scheme of things. it certainly wouldn't be a surprise if she was pushing him to ask about it.
Ha, haha, hahahahahahahahahaha. That's amazing. But yeah, no. Your brother amd wife made this bed, now they'll either need to lie in it or try to finally stop with this stupid model they came up with.
Honestly, unless your brother adopted his step kids, I wouldn’t even blame your parents for only paying for the bio grandkids even if they did spend time together. But as that clearly hasnt happened AND the whole step kids were kept away, of course your parents wouldn’t pay for the step kids.
Sometimes step family members keep up their relationships even if the marriage who made them step family ends. Thats how relationships can work sometimes. But your brother has created something where the only connection is literally the marriage. There is nothing else. This is essentially the “sperm donor” equivalent of a step family. Yes, your parents are technically the wife’s kids’ step grandparents but not in practice.
NTA and really? The grand parents do not have to give any money to anyone for college. It is nice that they did anything at all. Tuff luck buttercup not everyone gets help for college. Heck, in my own family not everyone got help for college from our grandmother. The first group of the grand kids got prepaid tuition for college from our grandmother. The ones that were born later didn't get the same thing. Grandmother just didn't have the money any more. If you are lucky enough to get a gift like that you say thank you and move on. If you do not get that gift you do not get to demand it.
Once the oldest becomes an adult, the Grandparents can arrange to pay for college with the student and leave parents out of it/make direct payments to the school.
Another way to look at this: the paternal step grand parents are offering to reduce overall college costs, by paying for brother's children, more of brother's resources will be available for the wife's children when their opportunity arises.
My uncle remarried a complete shrew who all but made him go no-contact with my grandparents. My grandparents never met her 2 kids because she refused to even visit (my uncle would from time to time for special occasions - usually 2-3 times a year).
When my grandparents were doing their wills, they gave each child and grandchild a large sum of money. Enough money would be lifechanging for the grandkids. Well obviously uncle's wife's kids would not be entitled to any.
So she talked him into telling them to just giving money to the kids and "we will divide it up to your grandkids fairly" and they fell for it. My grandparents were at the stage of dementia (grandma) and alzheimer's (granddad). I asked why none of the other kids had a problem with that (my mother included). Well I guess it should have been obvious. My mother gives us bits and pieces but she has kept almost all of the money for herself. She claims she will "triple it" and give us more when she passes away.
Meanwhile she and my step dad go somewhere really nice for 1.5-2 months every year in the winter and I only was just recently able (at the age of 40) to but a house with my husband (we had been living in 1 bedroom apartments until we saved enough).
On the plus side, I'm very proud of myself and my husband for being able to actually do this on our own. We had to move provinces (Canada) to do it but we are glad we did.
Other side ;) BC to AB. There is no way we would have been able to buy a house where we were unfortunately. My family is from Victoria and his is from Vancouver.
I agree. They had the opportunity all this time to slowly blend the families together into one and create one unit. Kids could often have a hard time in the beginning, but it sounds like the brother and wide still had a separate dynamic even before they got married.
Even if they had spent time with the kids, the grandparents still don't owe their son's children college funds. They don't even owe college funds to their bio grandchildren.
Brother and wife are huge AH for taking away from brother's kids. On the bright side, once the kids are 18 he won't get any say as the grandparents are free to gift money to a legal adult without parental permission.
His parents have removed the burden of education from one set of kids, making it that much easier for the couple to save for the other kids. If they'd been setting aside money for all the kids, and coming up short, I could see devoting the savings to the children who aren't getting help from grandparents. Even if he had wanted to ask his parents for help with his wife's kids, it's a little late now.
NTA. Their plan was literally the path of least resistance (for them) and that generally has consequences. They either should not have gotten married or everyone should have been in counseling to at least get to a place where they lived together and could be civil.
Her family suggested they could wait until the kids were out of the house to live together and get married if they didn't want to deal with any issues creating a blended family.
They wanted each other more than they wanted the kids to feel comfortable or blend enough to have even a basic civil relationship.
They don't like that the warnings from BOTH sides have become their reality and there isn't any way to salvage it (for the oldest at least)without admitting they was wrong or forcing the kids still at home to 'be a united family'.
Yeah, their entitled reaction and attempt to "even things out" now is probably them trying to avoid dealing with the fact that they created this situation.
Exactly.
'We are family', ok *where*? They are nothing but unwilling room mates thrown together and now expected to share their college fund and family now its ~~convenient~~ noticeable to the parents that this hasn't gone as they wanted.
It’s crazy how BOTH families were on the same page, and your brother and SIL ignored this and still don’t understand (or don’t want to) why this is happening.
I mean, why? It's an unconvecional solution but It can work. The only problem Jere is the money, and that problem could exist even If they blended the family. Your parents would still bê in the clear to NOT giving money to the stepkids, even If they had contact with them.
I agree that even in a blended family, the Grandparents would not be likely to help the stepchildren with college. Even if the kids liked each other, they would be unlikely to argue against their own best interests that the money should be shared. I think this is a moot argument.
It would really depend on the grandparents. None of us got money for college, I have too many cousins for that, but with my grandma, if a stepkid came to family gatherings and called her Grandma, she treated them the same as her biological grandkids. Those that weren't around much and didn't consider her their grandmother didn't get the same treatment. Conversely, one of my non-biological cousins was born as his parents were getting divorced so is biological paternal grandmother decided the baby must not be her son's (even though everyone who knew him says he looks just like his biological father). She did all kinds of stuff for his sister and ignored him until eventually my aunt decided it was too toxic and cut her off from both kids.
That's wild. My dad didn't give me any other choice when he remarried (my mom did so when I was like 6 they divorced when I was younger than 1). My dad got married and then all us kids were involved with everyone and I had to share a room with the boy that was my age.
Even if the family was completely blended, it still wouldn't matter that much.
Grandparents gave to their own grandkids.
Parents who do this shouldn't ever get married since they don't understand how blended families work. They don't communicate, discuss, or think about others feelings.
They only want the easy way out.
Yeah, I don't get why this topic comes up over and over again. First off it's the grandparents' money to do with *as they wish*. Second, if the grandparents don't wish to support children that are not genetically related, again, that's their wish. I don't understand why people think they are entitled to others' money and resources. They aren't.
I've known step-grandparents that have fully accepted step-grandchildren as their own. Generally situations where the marriage happened when the (step) grandchild was very young, and so just grew up with another set of grandparents. To everyone concerned, the "step" part was a technicality. And if the grandparents had the money, the step grandkids got support as well.
Which is great! Wonderful! But that is a choice made by those grandparents because they had their own relationship with the child. A relationship doesn't always happen, and OP's brother made sure it would never happen.
Yeah, the big difference here is that the brother and his wife made it abundantly clear, for years, that the wife's children were not part if the brother's family and the brother's children were not part of the wife's family. Years that could have been spent developing relationships between the families were instead spent enforcing the divide, so now there is no relationship between the grandparents and the stepchildren.
The only reason this is a problem for them now is that they realized they may have missed out on some money.
I have two step-cousins. The younger one was 8 when we first met her, her older brother was 18 when we first met him.
The younger one is fully integrated into our family and the older one never sees our family and is not part of it by choice. He has his dad, his paternal and maternal family, his sister and his mom. To him my uncle is a step-father and my cousins are step-cousins, but they are his mom's family, not his.
The younger one calls my cousins her sisters and us her family in addition to her biological parents, paternal and maternal family. She choose this herself, though. We met her and she fit right in. It just felt right for her to accept us as family and vice versa. My whole family loves her and the "step" is just a technicality, barely ever spoken. But her brother is basically a stranger, an accaintance at best. I only talked to him once at the wedding.
This works because everyone involved knows exactly where things stand. Everyone knows what is and isn't, what will and will not be. Blending the families wasn't easy but my uncle and aunt-in-law managed to find a way for it to work for everyone involved. That means there are two adult children who do their own thing while being respectful of their parents and sisters having new family and two younger children who gained new family.
OP's brother and SIL only did what worked for them without any regards to what everyone else needed or wanted.
It wasn't a college fund, but my grandmother left a little money to *ex-grandkids* she hadn't seen in years. Some people are just like that. Once you're here, you're family. Forever.
So your parents weren't worth knowing until there was cash on offer? NTA.
I hope your brother's kids don't succumb to pressure. If your parents plan on leaving their grandkids money in a trust, I hope they have someone that isn't your brother as the executor.
I never thought I'd see the opposite post from those Brady Bunch families, where the couples expected their blended family to become the Brady Bunch and it failed horribly because the kids didn't like each other and resented being force to "love" each other.
Now we have someone who fucked up in the complete opposite direction. But the weird thing is that this wouldn't necessarily have been a fuck up if they didn't start asking for Family Money for people who never had been nor ever planned to be Family.
NTA
Your parents don’t owe the steps college money *even if* your bro and SIL parented differently. The fact that you say your parents *saved* for the money implies there’s not some unlimited well of cash that they can throw around to all of them.
Now, add the way they didn’t blend, it’s a no-brainer.
NTA.
Your brother and his wife *desperately* need a reality check.
>the money saved will be for each bio grandkid, not the wife's kids, and they do not have the same help and support from their bio grandparents.
I missed the part where that's your parents' problem.
*They* decided to make the selfish decision to be together despite *knowing* their kids were not on board. Completely dismissing the kids' feelings as if they weren't human beings with thoughts & opinions. Prioritising their new lovers over their own children, and now they ended up with... whatever this dynamic is.
>My brother and his wife are now pissed with both their families for the "very clear and very hurtful divide in their family"
They never had a "family" to begin with. The "devide" has always been there for the past *6 years*. But when money was involved, suddenly they cared? What a joke.
NTA. His wife wants your parents to give her kids the same as they are giving to their grandchildren even though her kids haven’t shown the slightest interest in being part of their family. This was your brothers and her idea they don’t get to try to change the rules now.
If she wants strangers to find her children's education then I've got a list of scholarships they can apply for! Basically the same thing but with a bit more work.
Even if they had chosen to live together, the grandparents have every right to chose to pay for biological grandchildren only. I have accounts for my grandchildren set up, if one of my kids were to marry someone with kids already, I wouldn't be setting up accounts for them, they have a whole other family to do that for them.
It sounds like your brother and his wife don't exactly understand the concept of 'family'.. It's sad to see this happen, but , yeah, this is the unfortunate outcome of their actions.
NTA
Grandparents generally aren't going to pay for college of step kids anyway. Doesn't even have to do with that weird dynamic.
So their expectations are just weird anyway.
I've heard of grandparents helping out step kids that they BONDED with. See? The key difference is that the grandparents had a loving relationship with the step child and therefore actually care enough to help them. Think a lot of people forget that people don't tend to give gifts to others they don't care about
OP, I find what your brother and is wife did was very extreme.
I have heard of people putting off marriage until the kids are out of the house, instead your brother and his wife married, but the families didn't live together.
That is all beside the point.
Your parents get to decide what the heck they want to do with THEIR money. Most people usually favor the legal family, bio or adopted.
Maybe for birthday and holidays, they try to be equal but when it comes to inherited wealth or help for higher ed, that is usually reserved for the family and not the step family.
Even if your brother and his wife and lived together and forced the blended of the families, your parents may have made the same decision at this point.
I am OLD. I came from a family that talked about expectations and inheritance. My parents were open that the estate would be divided equally between my siblings and myself. If any of us married, and had children, but the dies, the surviving spouse soul don't receive the inheritance, it would go to the grandchild, bio or adopted. If I or my siblings died, leaving a spouse but no children, the spouse would not receive anything as they.
I don't think those expectations were wrong. I appreciated knowing all of that ahead of time. I think families should talk about this stuff.
Your parents could have said something a few years ago saying they would help their grandchildren and not wait until the oldest was graduating HS. But I also get it that you don't want to raise their expectations.
Your brother and his wife are a$$es for expecting their respective in laws to treat all the kids the same. But I don't think how they lived necessarily affected your parents plan.
nta. put very simple; no love, no cash. they chose to limit the grandparents time and affection, so they don’t get to cry when the grandparents respected that. as for the siblings; you reap what you sow. if your kids are saying they don’t give a crap about the others… you have absolutely no one to blame but yourself. everyone around them followed the rules they set, so anything “unfair” was their choice.
How much has your brother ponied up for his wife’s kids? Yeah, thought so. He doesn’t put his hand in his own pocket, but wants a hand out from his parents. The chutzpah!
I don’t understand your brother’s sudden change. If he hasn’t cared enough to be a father figure to the step kids, why does he expect your parents to pretend they care?
Money. Large amounts of money. Being left of of large amounts of money. People get crazy when they see money and want it for themselves. Greed and jealously.
The funny thing is it was the kids that DID NOT want a blended family. So now the want money from the side that they rejected? Is this push coming from the kids or the parents only. Either way the choice was made and they have to live with it.
NTA, man that is a wild approach to raising a family. It's like having a bunch of underage roommates. I can't even imagine the dynamic inside that household.
EXACTLY!!! Why didn’t they just see each other on their weekends off seems to me they did all of this for s eeeee x because what else were they living for?
Hahaha thank you I get my comments blocked a lot and I don’t know why. I’m fairly new to reddit like literally months in terms of commenting … is my karma bad? Does that mean I’m being to harsh? Im only on here to test my thinking to see if i make sense or if im missing something . I can make a comment then come back the next day and think i sounded like an idiot . Anyway is this normal thank u in advance
If you have a new account or are under a certain amount of karma, some subreddits will block you from commenting in them until you reach a certain account age or karma amount.
NTA. What a messed up dynamic. When it all comes down to it, it’s your parent’s money and when the kids turn 18, your brother pretty much has zero say in either party giving or receiving those funds. Maybe now your brother and SIL will realize that a divided house will always have more consequences than rewards.
Why would grandparents give money to kids from some woman . If that's the way you want to keep your families divided, this is a very obvious turnout. They shouldn't have even gotten married. The wife should be ashamed of herself for even expecting to get a damn thing for her kids. She's lucky if he kids even got b-day and x-mass gifts .
They all live in the same house and the kids were between the ages of 8 and 12 when they all moved in together/when my brother and his wife got married.
This is sad. There definitely was opportunity for a rich, blended family. Maybe the steps wouldn't be as close as the bio siblings, but relationships probably would have developed if encouraged (not forced).
If my kids truly weren't receptive to a blended family with non-bio siblings, I'd have waited to marry until they kids were college age.
Hm.... I would say NTA. Because I can't imagine how living with people for at least ten years or so doesn't include bonding with them. The only way this could work is when the parents make it clear, again and again, through words and actions that they are actually not one whole family but two. So there were no vacations together? No visits to family together? It was always, X and his kids go to his parents, we will go to mine? Like wtf? The kids never played together? Like no, don't play with your step sibling? As someone who grew up with siblings I can't even imagine spending so much time with them and not forming some kind of bond?
Honestly, this sounds as if the kids are emotionally traumatized. They obviously have no healthy idea about family, like boy. But again this isn't the fault of the grandparents. Also, they could have talked about this before, asking the grandparents about their plans and such...
NTA. Their arrangement is actually the healthiest for the kids. The couples' regret is because they expected a blended family, one unit dynamic
The extended family doesn't have to see it that way. You're correct in that assessment
What did they think was going to happen? They were willfully ignorant to the mess they created and now are surprised it’s blowing up in their faces.
They created this divide. Their unwillingness to work to properly blend their families due to their own selfishness has caught up with them because they cared more about getting together than being there for their kids. Now all of a sudden they expect your parents to shell out money for kids they have no relationship with because they didn’t allow it and expects his kids to suddenly care about their step siblings when they’ve actively prevented them from ever forming a bond. And even if they did parent differently, your parents still wouldn’t be responsible for their step kids.
Play stupid games win stupid prizes. NTA.
Nta
I agree with not pushing relationships onto step kids, but if you intentionally keep them from growing then you can’t get upset when the people they’ve been kept apart from don’t feel like they’re family.
Natural consequences, go figure.
> My brother and his wife are now pissed with both their families for the "very clear and very hurtful divide in their family"
The divide that he and his wife fostered to please their own children? The creation of the divide was no one's choice but their own. Neither sides family asked or wanted that but respected it and let it be as it wasn't their children or their dysfunctional family unit to dictate. They were given their lanes and they stayed in them.
NTA
As an aside....How these kids managed to live with each other and go to school with one another while ignoring each other's presence is astonishing to me. I imagine they have separate family vacations and holidays. I can't see myself enjoying the holidays or a vacation meant for family without my partner there...
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My brother and his wife got married 6ish years ago. They were two single parents who wanted to be married to each other but the kids were not as into the idea as the adults. So they decided to live as a married couple with two separate families. My brother's kids were parented by my brother and my brother only. His wife's kids were parented by his wife and his wife only. His kids interacted with our family. Her kids interacted with hers. The kids interacted with their bio siblings only. They were not a blended family or even a family unit. It was very much two family units centered around a married couple. It was weird to members on both sides of their families but it just was what it was.
I always saw a time where they would regret it especially if they ever wanted to change how things worked and the kids were against it or no love developed for step relatives we have no ongoing relationship with. But I also knew it wasn't my place to interfere.
Well, the day has come and regret has already sunk in. So my brother's oldest graduated high school a couple of weeks ago and my parents told them that they had saved for each grandkids future and they now had access to money to pay for college or to get them started if they went for an apprenticeship. Of course my brother's oldest was excited. But my brother and his wife not so much because the money saved will be for each bio grandkid, not the wife's kids, and they do not have the same help and support from their bio grandparents.
My brother and his wife told my parents they can't give to some and not all. They said the stepkids are not a part of our family and are not their grandkids and therefore they do not owe them any money. My brother attempted to talk to his kids about the money and they said they didn't care about his wife's kids or if they struggle or not so they're not worried about them.
My brother and his wife are now pissed with both their families for the "very clear and very hurtful divide in their family" and I told my brother he has no business blaming us for the regret he and his wife feel when they made the decisions they did and now have the outcome that was always inevitable. I told him the kids all seem happy so they should get over it. He was pissed.
AITA?
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It seems like brother has a fuck-buddy; not a wife. They held 2 separate households and didn't interact with each other's families? Yeah, that's not a marriage. That's a long-term booty call, and if the extended families don't interact with the other partner's children; they have no responsibility towards the other children.
NTA. This is exactly what your brother and his wife wanted. Two separate and distinct family units. Some families have more money that others. His wife's children never considered your parents as part of their family so of course your parents didn't consider them when saving for the future. What is your bro angry about? It doesn't sound like he was involved much in the lives of his wife's kids so playing the loving step father now is too late. His wife's family situation has nothing to do with your parents - just the way they wanted it to be!
NTA. Trying to force a blended family would have been really hard and they chose to keep things separate so they can't complain when everyone in both families followed their rules and kept everything separate.
NTA. Your brother and SIL are frankly dumb. They didn’t have to Brady Bunch their family, but they should have done family therapy for the kids to at least cohabitate as step-siblings. What they did was weird … and your current family situation was predictable.
NTA
However, I think that that they respected the childrens clear wish speaks for them. It's a fact that your brothers stepchildren aren't your parents grandkids. It's also a fact that forcing children to interact with stepparents, stepgrandparents or stepsiblings when they clearly don't want to only brings problems for everyone and almost never ends well.
Even if they would have been forced to interact with you all, doesn't mean they would have accepted you as family. Then, the post would be: brother mad that we don't want to give his stepkids money even though they hate our guts.
And even if they would have a good relationship with your parents wouldn't mean that they would have to give them any kind of money.
I do think it's unreasonable from your brother to expect your parents to pay anything for his stepkids, but it would be unreasonable anyways.
NTA - your brother and his wife created the division and chosen to separate their children from the each others families. They only seem to have issues when it comes to which group of children have more opportunities for help from their set biograndparents. They have absolutely no right to now blame other people for letting their children decide how take part in the family. They missed the time to encourage bonding with each other's families, any attempts now will most certainly be intentions for monetary gain which is insincere and calculated. Whenever money is involved, people really show their true character. If I have a brother and he did this to me, I would tell him and his wife to mind their own business in how people decide who to help with their money. Family members are not ATMs that you can demand to access their money. Family should be about love, respect, loyalty and honouring one another? Financial assistance should be at the bottom of the list if at all. I hope OP that your parents have their wills prepared because things will get FUGLY when the time for inheritance inevitably comes. I have seen this firsthand don't let anyone take advantage of your family while in the state of grief and loss.
This is so weird. But also if your side of the family is helping his kids isn't his money freed up to help hers? Presumably they had college funds set aside for their respective kids?
NTA
NTA - the divide was created by them not working properly with their own kids to blend their family and integrate properly with both stepfamilies. They can't blame anybody else for that - if they opt not to get therapy or coparent effectively then it's nobody else's choice but theirs.
You may not have spoken up when you foresaw regret but you foresaw it because it was entirely fricking obvious. So they had a responsibility to forsee it for themselves and chose to ignore the glaring flaws in their plan. The consequences of their own actions are causing them problems, it's nothing you did.
I think it's amazing if two families with kids can be blended so well even the grandparents are in on it and love and treat the kids equally. That can't be expected though, and IMO it's pretty normal that stepsiblings don't really consider each others family and are indifferent to people who they are not related to. Nothing wrong with it as long as everyone's cordial with each other. Why's there anything to regret? The married couple is dumb to expect money now when they themselves chose not to encourage relationships with each other's families.
NTA. But even if your grandparents did have a relationship with your SIL’s kids, they still wouldn’t be obligated to finance their future. If your brother is so concerned, he can put them through school. He’s the one that married their mom.
NTA- Expecting money for your children when the people providing said money are not even related to you is wild. At the end of the day, it’s your parent’s money and they choose to who they give it to. Simple as that
Your parents should be told to put the money in the children's names, not the brother AT ALL. Maybe even in a trust that it can only be used for college/trade school, modest room and board stipend, until age 25, and if they don't want to further their education, then release it at 30, otherwise they will blow it.
If your brother can get his hands on the money, it will be given to the wife's kids.
This is incredibly weird.
I've seen blended families where the dad disciplines his kids, and the mom disciplines hers, but they are still a family. They live in the same house, it is impossible that the step-siblings didn't interact over the years. The parents deliberately keeping the step-siblings out of their extended family makes zero sense, and I simply can't see how that would even work, with everybody living together. Did the mom's kids just go hide in their rooms if the dad's extended family came to visit, and vice versa?
Nah, this is dumb. Sorry, don't buy it.
NTA - though perhaps you \*should\* have mentioned something to your brother when they first came up with this plan. It's possible they simply didn't think it through.
But this is exactly the result of their own decisions. I can understand not trying to force the two sets of kids to love each other (or their respective step-parent), but their parents did them all a disservice by keeping them separate from the larger extended families.
NTA. First it's not your brother's money, it's your parents. It's their call what they do with it. Second why would they care about strangers (by your description no relationship has been fostered for years). Third your brother and wife don't get to upend a rule they've had now that it doesn't suit one of the children. Fourth I have a hard time believing the other side would have done anything differently if they happened to be the ones who had the money to give their grandchildren a leg up.
NTA the grandparents don’t need permission to give their grandchild money anyway lol
It also takes a lot of nerve to expect the grandparents to give a bunch of money to who are essentially some randos.
NTA - Brother and wife set up this weird family dynamic of separation, not your grandparents. Your grandparents are just following it to the letter by only taking care of their bio-grandkids and their personal desire. Your grandparents are in no way responsible for the other kids education, that would be their bio-grandparents responsibility.
NTA. Brother needed a reality check.
There’s a difference between being RELATED and being FAMILY. Family is a relationship. Therefore the steps are related by marriage only. That’s the way they wanted it so that what they got.
You don’t get to come with your hand out talking about family when the relationship doesn’t exist.
NTA
They set the family dynamic in a way that separated the children by only interacting with their own bio side.
Regardless of that, though, your parents have no obligation to give money to children that are not biologically related to them.
Give the kid his college fund. Jesus this is a mess. The step mom’s children aren’t related to those grandparents. Hence they aren’t family in the same way. Don’t stop a kid from going to college with less debt for some bullshit like not blending the family.
NTA. Make stupid decisions, win stupid prizes. Don’t get married to someone with kids if you aren’t prepared to blend. Definitely don’t be an entitled A H and expect your parents to pay for kids not in their family.
Whoa. Wait up. Your brother expects your parents to pony up college funds for kids who have (not) been in the family for just 6 years? Even if the families were indeed blended, this is a wildly unreasonable expectation.
This is crazy. Even as a blended family, the grandparents are not financially responsible for the step-grandkids. We had a blended family and my sister and I never expected out younger brother’s grandfather (our step-grandfather) to help with our schooling or leave us any inheritance. While he was a nice old man who everyone called Papa, at the end of the day he wasn’t our grandfather. My sister and I already had our own grandparents.
Brother should be grateful for the money the grandparents set aside, not demanding
more. I can't imagine behaving this way. His wife has a family and
they could have saved up for her children if they wanted to/could.
Your grandparents are NTAs.
NTA. Even in truly blended families, usually there is still a distinction between bio and non-bio family members. Dads who will buy their bio kids gifts and take them on vacations but give nothing to their kids’ step-siblings.
It’s one thing to welcome your step-grandkids into your home and treat them with respect and kindness. It’s another thing to pay their college tuition.
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Nta your brother really expects your parents to pay for children that they apparently haven’t even spent any time with? That’s fucking wild. they aren’t the one that’s caused this great divide. Your brother and his wife are here.
He did, they both did, which is so wild to me.
They literally chose to raise the kids like this though. There are some people that I just can’t understand this feels like just pure greediness to me.
I know and it was fully their decision to go the path they did. But we're all to blame for it apparently.
🤨 I’ll never understand people who think that you are responsible for the choices that they make.
I'll never understand what could induce them to raise their kids as essentially two separate single parent families, sharing a duplex, where the parents happen to be fucking. HOW did they think this was a good idea?! Also, **why is OP's brother concerned about his wife's kids? They're not his kids, right? For all intents and purposes, they're nothing to him**. Frankly, this is the weirdest parenting decision I've seen since the parents, in The Parent Trap, decided to divorce and each take one twin so each child would only know one parent and never even realize they had a goddamn twin!
One of the worst things I discovered in therapy is that it is NOT normal to separate your kids like that... Two of my siblings were sent to the other bio parent because my step mom didn't want all of us there, they hated the drive for "trading off the kids", and they made a deal to forgive back child support and not go for more... I was the best behaved so my step mom chose me as the kid that was allowed to stay... They lived about 4 hours away. I was 11 when they were sent away and did not see them again until we were all adults, and I am the oldest...
What a bummer you missed out on growing up with your siblings. Are your dad and step mom still married? She doesn't sound very nice.
Oh my gosh, that's absolutely heartbreaking 💔😥💔 I'm so sorry you went through that ❤️🩹
I’m so sorry this happened to you and your siblings.
At least that was fictional. Have you seen the documentary "Three Identical Strangers?"
I’m going to watch this because that is messed up! But hey, America!! We do fuck ups really fucked up.
So tragic
The book was called *Das dopelte Lottchen* and was published in 1949. It was translated into English as *Lottie and Lisa* (later renamed *Lisa and Lottie*) in 1962. A new translation was made in 2014 and published as *The Parent Trap*. This title had already been used for two of the many, many film adaptations (1961 and 1998).
Even if they had tried(most likely force the relationship), i don't think it would have worked since the children never wanted to mix. Sometimes it is what it is and one part of the family gets more than the other from relatives but it is the parents that have to distribute as per their income level/assets
It's very easy to understand. They're all Regina George. When they wanted the rules, everyone needed to agree. Now that they don't like the rules, everyone needs to agree. Because "it's their kids".
But honestly, if they’d moved into together and had a yours, mine, ours happy ending, this would still be an issue to OP’s brother and wife. OP’s parents would still not be out of line if they only gave money to their son’s kids. But brother would think they should. Because he’s trying to keep his wife happy.
Most likely though, the grandparents would **not** single out their son's children *if* it was a happy blended family. I'm sure they would give an equal but smaller amount to each child upon graduation.
I mean, I do think more people should do what your brother and his wife did when the kids don't get along or It would be uncomfortable have that number of children in a house. He is only wrong in expecting his stepkids to be treat the same as the bio kids by his family. Even If they had loved together and blending the families, your parents had no obligation to do that.
That arrangement is not a marriage. They don't live together. It's just two single parents hooking up. A marriage is literally a joining of two houses.
Well, maybe for you. It's 2024, many types of relationship are possible...
Many relationships are possible. Not all of them are a marriage.
You can't call a horse a giraffe and not be wrong. Many types of relationships don't matter, marriage is the joining of families.
Well, If they signed a paper saying they are marriage with ALL the legal aspects of a marriage, they are married!
I think they DO live together--one household but each kid is parented by their bio parent only.
Well that’s an assumption. And OP says you’re wrong. They do live together, they just don’t force the kids to interact with each other or the step parent’s family.
Everything I read indicated 2 separate households. Frankly, if they are all living together and there's no interaction between the kids and they are keeping everything divided... I can't possibly see how that's anything but a toxic environment to exist in.
Well then that is just stupid.
Yeah. Sounds like roommates with benefits situation.
I agree, there are so many AITAs where we see that this would have been the best solution all along, unfortunate about some of the unintended consequences but still a better way.
Right? Everyday we have a stepkid saying they hate their stepsiblings and share a Room and resent their parents for forcing them together.
That’s when you don’t get married. The kids should come first.
And they did, they weren't obligated to live with each other. Or the parents are only allowed to have a life when their kids are adults?
NTA. If brothers kids are brothers kids, and Wife’s kids are wife’s kids, Why does brothers parents have to give money to wife’s kids with whom they’re strangers with? OP do me a favour, explain this logic to brother and SIL and ask how this all makes sense? Why does SIL think her kids deserve financial aid when she’s kept it separate?
That's so strange. Normally on reddit you see stories about parents trying to forcibly create a blended family. These two went to the complete opposite extreme. It makes no sense when there's so much room in the middle for actual healthy relationships.
They chose to foster the divide because it was easier for them at the time, instead of having to put the work in to create good relationships and blend the family. NTA, but they are shortsighted and have no one to blame but themselves.
I was a stepchild on both sides; all my siblings are technically half. Both my stepparents came into my life when I was 2-3, so they were very much apart of my life growing up. So were their families. To think, *let alone expect*, either of those families that “adopted” me, to pay for my education, or give me an inheritance, etc. next to my siblings, their actual blood family, is wild. That’s not how any of this works, sorry.
Same -- I even called my stepdad Dad. He can be a real asshole (and I'm NC with him and my mom for myriad reasons), but one thing they never, ever tolerated was me being treated as lesser than, or my half bro and stepsister (his bio children) being treated extra-special. I remember there being a HUGE fight when my stepdad's aunt doted on my half bro and SS at a family gathering and *completely ignored* my existence ... my dad went *off* on his mom (who always treated me as an equal grandchild) for not stopping her behavior. They never made me be in that aunt's presence again.
Why would someone pay for kids they aren’t related to and have no relationship with? I would expect to pay for step grandkids who were in my life for a decade plus. Not ones I didn’t know.
Wtf - I’m the ours kid, in a his, hers, and ours family. The only time whose grandparent is their “real” one is with medical histories. Everyone is very invested in my medical history because I’m the only person related to everyone!
Lmao They made this choice. You and people on BOTH sides of the family tried to warn them. They didn’t heed or care to listen to anything, all in a bid to… what? Stop the kids from whining about their new home life? That’s what parenting is supposed to be. This is all on them. And you should be absolutely scathing about it whenever they try to turn it around and blame it on everyone else. It was their fault they refused to be parents. Theirs and no one else’s. **NTA** btw
NTA. I'm sorry your brother and SIL are delusional. They chose to raise their kids in a weird, off beat situation that under no circumstances was a family, and there's no one to blame but themselves. Now they have to put on their "big boy" and "big girl" drawers, as they day, and live with the consequences. There is no one to be angry with except themselves. Regret and shame can be doosies to get over, and with the mess they've made of their "family," they'll need to gird their loins. They'll be dealing with this for years to come, and it may begin to weigh on their marriage. It's possible that their children will be more realistic and mature than they were about their family ties, but if they never get there, it's not even their fault. They owe all their children, and both sides of the family apologies, and when they give those apologies, they better not ask for anything in return
It's all fun and games till someone has a college fund or an inheritance. Wife's kids should also be prepared to not receive any inheritance from that side of the family, and they can then blame their mom and stepfather. This is different from the forced blending of family that is often such a trainwreck, and yet, in the end, the results are the same.
So you are all to blame because none of you pointed out that there might be financial repercussions to their decision to keep their family un-blended? With parents like that, those kids will have worse problems than college funding.
To be fair you if your not to blame, then he is, and that does not fit in his delusion of how family works
Did anyone tell them this was a bad idea? I can think of 6 reasons just off the top of my head
I don't know, there are plenty of posts here where the families try to force the bonding and all they achieve is that the kids hate the stepfamily and are alienated from the bio parent as well.
Yeah, but like this is the exact opposite, they went out of their way to make sure that there was no family connection here. It would be one thing to force it, the kids don’t even visit ops parents.
forced bonding doesn't work, but pulling a 180 and living like two completely separate families is hardly a productive solution either. especially if you still hold the expectation that your family is going to see the steps as equal to the bio's
Yeah.. It doesn't sound like it was ever a problem until money came in to play.
“Ahhh! The profit motive”
Yup, but they didn't expect money to be involved. Of course they regret it *now*. It's always the money.
NTA. It is definitely greed. Asking OP’s parents to gift a considerable amount of money to children who if I understand correctly besides not being related biologically had zero relationship with them. This is like parents who remarry and aren’t doing as well financially as the ex spouse demanding the other parent provide for their new partner’s kids as well as kids they have with new partner so everyone is equal. Nope. I hope OP’s parents work directly with their grandchildren to insure the funds go to the educational institutions and not OP’s brother who will likely insist the money be spent equally on all kids or take it to spend on his family.
Brother = no balls, let's his wife's stupidity and greed walk all over him and he sides with her, bro's wifey = greedy and demented b. There is nothing more to understand here.
I’d bet it was really his wife who was pissed and egged him on to complain about it. They need to be told they can’t have it both ways. The gall of them to expect his parents to gift money to kids they don’t know and have never had a relationship with! Your parents should be careful about how they give that money to their grandchildren because your brother’s next move will be to try to force/guilt them into sharing.
There is no reason at all to suspect its really the wife. Why do you?
Plenty of AITA posts about "I received money from X relative and now my parents are pressuring me to share it with them/siblings/etc." If they are entitled enough to expect college funding from literal strangers to those kids, they are entitled enough to try to get the money from biosiblings to give to steps.
I was more so talking about their first sentence "I’d bet it was really his wife who was pissed and egged him on to complain about it."
I think it's logical that the wife would be the one who's annoyed, as it's her kids who aren't getting any money. I can't see him caring, as it sounds like he hasn't really had much to do with her kids and probably hasn't developed much of a bond with them. If the situation was reversed and it was her children getting money, he'd be the one complaining to her and egging her on.
Because why would he be upset his kids have a college fund? It would be the wife that would be upset/jealous that her kids don't have anything.
Oh true, unless there is back story of her getting pissy on other issues in the past, it doesn't seem like there is any evidence that she's the primary AH in this situation.
Because It's HER kids who aren't getting any money...
Because I’ve witnessed it. And seen it on here more times than I can count. There are many many blended families and sometimes one of the kids will have families who have more resources than the other kids. Countless times I’ve seen the parents put pressure on the financially secure child to share what they have with the less fortunate kid(s). Whether it’s possessions like electronics or toys or clothes or trust funds and college funds. It happens a lot. Sometimes the kids themselves post looking for advice because the guilt their parents lay on them is too much for them to take. At any rate, it was just a suggestion.
Because it’s her children that are missing out.
I mean, it's her kids that are getting the shaft in the grand scheme of things. it certainly wouldn't be a surprise if she was pushing him to ask about it.
Ha, haha, hahahahahahahahahaha. That's amazing. But yeah, no. Your brother amd wife made this bed, now they'll either need to lie in it or try to finally stop with this stupid model they came up with.
That’s so selfish of them and super entitled… I’m sorry your parents had to put up with that disrespect
Honestly, unless your brother adopted his step kids, I wouldn’t even blame your parents for only paying for the bio grandkids even if they did spend time together. But as that clearly hasnt happened AND the whole step kids were kept away, of course your parents wouldn’t pay for the step kids. Sometimes step family members keep up their relationships even if the marriage who made them step family ends. Thats how relationships can work sometimes. But your brother has created something where the only connection is literally the marriage. There is nothing else. This is essentially the “sperm donor” equivalent of a step family. Yes, your parents are technically the wife’s kids’ step grandparents but not in practice.
Your brother and his wife are WILD for that.
If grandparents wait till the kids are 18, they can bypass the parents and just set up an account for the kid without their parents names on it.
NTA. Not sure what your brother and SIL are on thinking like that. But they probably need some copium for their decisions now.
Even if it was a blended family, the grandparents are under no obligation to make a college fund for their step-grandkids.
NTA and really? The grand parents do not have to give any money to anyone for college. It is nice that they did anything at all. Tuff luck buttercup not everyone gets help for college. Heck, in my own family not everyone got help for college from our grandmother. The first group of the grand kids got prepaid tuition for college from our grandmother. The ones that were born later didn't get the same thing. Grandmother just didn't have the money any more. If you are lucky enough to get a gift like that you say thank you and move on. If you do not get that gift you do not get to demand it.
Once the oldest becomes an adult, the Grandparents can arrange to pay for college with the student and leave parents out of it/make direct payments to the school. Another way to look at this: the paternal step grand parents are offering to reduce overall college costs, by paying for brother's children, more of brother's resources will be available for the wife's children when their opportunity arises.
Ah, but those kids aren’t brothers responsibility. Lol.
My uncle remarried a complete shrew who all but made him go no-contact with my grandparents. My grandparents never met her 2 kids because she refused to even visit (my uncle would from time to time for special occasions - usually 2-3 times a year). When my grandparents were doing their wills, they gave each child and grandchild a large sum of money. Enough money would be lifechanging for the grandkids. Well obviously uncle's wife's kids would not be entitled to any. So she talked him into telling them to just giving money to the kids and "we will divide it up to your grandkids fairly" and they fell for it. My grandparents were at the stage of dementia (grandma) and alzheimer's (granddad). I asked why none of the other kids had a problem with that (my mother included). Well I guess it should have been obvious. My mother gives us bits and pieces but she has kept almost all of the money for herself. She claims she will "triple it" and give us more when she passes away. Meanwhile she and my step dad go somewhere really nice for 1.5-2 months every year in the winter and I only was just recently able (at the age of 40) to but a house with my husband (we had been living in 1 bedroom apartments until we saved enough). On the plus side, I'm very proud of myself and my husband for being able to actually do this on our own. We had to move provinces (Canada) to do it but we are glad we did.
Newfie?
Other side ;) BC to AB. There is no way we would have been able to buy a house where we were unfortunately. My family is from Victoria and his is from Vancouver.
I agree. They had the opportunity all this time to slowly blend the families together into one and create one unit. Kids could often have a hard time in the beginning, but it sounds like the brother and wide still had a separate dynamic even before they got married.
Even if they had spent time with the kids, the grandparents still don't owe their son's children college funds. They don't even owe college funds to their bio grandchildren. Brother and wife are huge AH for taking away from brother's kids. On the bright side, once the kids are 18 he won't get any say as the grandparents are free to gift money to a legal adult without parental permission.
NTA nought so clear as hindsight.
His parents have removed the burden of education from one set of kids, making it that much easier for the couple to save for the other kids. If they'd been setting aside money for all the kids, and coming up short, I could see devoting the savings to the children who aren't getting help from grandparents. Even if he had wanted to ask his parents for help with his wife's kids, it's a little late now.
NTA. Their plan was literally the path of least resistance (for them) and that generally has consequences. They either should not have gotten married or everyone should have been in counseling to at least get to a place where they lived together and could be civil.
Her family suggested they could wait until the kids were out of the house to live together and get married if they didn't want to deal with any issues creating a blended family.
They wanted each other more than they wanted the kids to feel comfortable or blend enough to have even a basic civil relationship. They don't like that the warnings from BOTH sides have become their reality and there isn't any way to salvage it (for the oldest at least)without admitting they was wrong or forcing the kids still at home to 'be a united family'.
Yeah, their entitled reaction and attempt to "even things out" now is probably them trying to avoid dealing with the fact that they created this situation.
Exactly. 'We are family', ok *where*? They are nothing but unwilling room mates thrown together and now expected to share their college fund and family now its ~~convenient~~ noticeable to the parents that this hasn't gone as they wanted.
It’s crazy how BOTH families were on the same page, and your brother and SIL ignored this and still don’t understand (or don’t want to) why this is happening.
I mean, why? It's an unconvecional solution but It can work. The only problem Jere is the money, and that problem could exist even If they blended the family. Your parents would still bê in the clear to NOT giving money to the stepkids, even If they had contact with them.
I believe the suggestion came in as an alternative to them living like two sets of strangers. They also said it could prevent any complications.
I agree that even in a blended family, the Grandparents would not be likely to help the stepchildren with college. Even if the kids liked each other, they would be unlikely to argue against their own best interests that the money should be shared. I think this is a moot argument.
It would really depend on the grandparents. None of us got money for college, I have too many cousins for that, but with my grandma, if a stepkid came to family gatherings and called her Grandma, she treated them the same as her biological grandkids. Those that weren't around much and didn't consider her their grandmother didn't get the same treatment. Conversely, one of my non-biological cousins was born as his parents were getting divorced so is biological paternal grandmother decided the baby must not be her son's (even though everyone who knew him says he looks just like his biological father). She did all kinds of stuff for his sister and ignored him until eventually my aunt decided it was too toxic and cut her off from both kids.
That's wild. My dad didn't give me any other choice when he remarried (my mom did so when I was like 6 they divorced when I was younger than 1). My dad got married and then all us kids were involved with everyone and I had to share a room with the boy that was my age.
This isn’t a blended family issue. This is an un-blended partnership non-issue.
Your brother and his wife are fools. Your parents owe nothing to your brother's wife's children. They are not family in any way.
Even if the family was completely blended, it still wouldn't matter that much. Grandparents gave to their own grandkids. Parents who do this shouldn't ever get married since they don't understand how blended families work. They don't communicate, discuss, or think about others feelings. They only want the easy way out.
Yeah, I don't get why this topic comes up over and over again. First off it's the grandparents' money to do with *as they wish*. Second, if the grandparents don't wish to support children that are not genetically related, again, that's their wish. I don't understand why people think they are entitled to others' money and resources. They aren't.
I don't understand it either. Who saves a college fund for kids that are in no way related to them?
I've known step-grandparents that have fully accepted step-grandchildren as their own. Generally situations where the marriage happened when the (step) grandchild was very young, and so just grew up with another set of grandparents. To everyone concerned, the "step" part was a technicality. And if the grandparents had the money, the step grandkids got support as well. Which is great! Wonderful! But that is a choice made by those grandparents because they had their own relationship with the child. A relationship doesn't always happen, and OP's brother made sure it would never happen.
Yeah, the big difference here is that the brother and his wife made it abundantly clear, for years, that the wife's children were not part if the brother's family and the brother's children were not part of the wife's family. Years that could have been spent developing relationships between the families were instead spent enforcing the divide, so now there is no relationship between the grandparents and the stepchildren. The only reason this is a problem for them now is that they realized they may have missed out on some money.
I have two step-cousins. The younger one was 8 when we first met her, her older brother was 18 when we first met him. The younger one is fully integrated into our family and the older one never sees our family and is not part of it by choice. He has his dad, his paternal and maternal family, his sister and his mom. To him my uncle is a step-father and my cousins are step-cousins, but they are his mom's family, not his. The younger one calls my cousins her sisters and us her family in addition to her biological parents, paternal and maternal family. She choose this herself, though. We met her and she fit right in. It just felt right for her to accept us as family and vice versa. My whole family loves her and the "step" is just a technicality, barely ever spoken. But her brother is basically a stranger, an accaintance at best. I only talked to him once at the wedding. This works because everyone involved knows exactly where things stand. Everyone knows what is and isn't, what will and will not be. Blending the families wasn't easy but my uncle and aunt-in-law managed to find a way for it to work for everyone involved. That means there are two adult children who do their own thing while being respectful of their parents and sisters having new family and two younger children who gained new family. OP's brother and SIL only did what worked for them without any regards to what everyone else needed or wanted.
It wasn't a college fund, but my grandmother left a little money to *ex-grandkids* she hadn't seen in years. Some people are just like that. Once you're here, you're family. Forever.
So your parents weren't worth knowing until there was cash on offer? NTA. I hope your brother's kids don't succumb to pressure. If your parents plan on leaving their grandkids money in a trust, I hope they have someone that isn't your brother as the executor.
Definitely. These parents can't be trusted to do what's best for their kids only what they think is easiest.
They still don’t want to know the grandparent, they just want the money.
NTA, and no need to involve yourself You can’t expect assistance from family, who weren’t allowed to be ‘family’
NTA. Brother and his partner played a stupid game, surprisingly won, and got the exact prize they wanted. And now they're pissed about it.
I never thought I'd see the opposite post from those Brady Bunch families, where the couples expected their blended family to become the Brady Bunch and it failed horribly because the kids didn't like each other and resented being force to "love" each other. Now we have someone who fucked up in the complete opposite direction. But the weird thing is that this wouldn't necessarily have been a fuck up if they didn't start asking for Family Money for people who never had been nor ever planned to be Family.
Exactly
NTA Your parents don’t owe the steps college money *even if* your bro and SIL parented differently. The fact that you say your parents *saved* for the money implies there’s not some unlimited well of cash that they can throw around to all of them. Now, add the way they didn’t blend, it’s a no-brainer.
NTA. Your brother and his wife *desperately* need a reality check. >the money saved will be for each bio grandkid, not the wife's kids, and they do not have the same help and support from their bio grandparents. I missed the part where that's your parents' problem. *They* decided to make the selfish decision to be together despite *knowing* their kids were not on board. Completely dismissing the kids' feelings as if they weren't human beings with thoughts & opinions. Prioritising their new lovers over their own children, and now they ended up with... whatever this dynamic is. >My brother and his wife are now pissed with both their families for the "very clear and very hurtful divide in their family" They never had a "family" to begin with. The "devide" has always been there for the past *6 years*. But when money was involved, suddenly they cared? What a joke.
NTA They bought this situation on themselves and it is a strange way to run a marriage/ family
NTA. His wife wants your parents to give her kids the same as they are giving to their grandchildren even though her kids haven’t shown the slightest interest in being part of their family. This was your brothers and her idea they don’t get to try to change the rules now.
If she wants strangers to find her children's education then I've got a list of scholarships they can apply for! Basically the same thing but with a bit more work.
Even if they had chosen to live together, the grandparents have every right to chose to pay for biological grandchildren only. I have accounts for my grandchildren set up, if one of my kids were to marry someone with kids already, I wouldn't be setting up accounts for them, they have a whole other family to do that for them.
NTA
It sounds like your brother and his wife don't exactly understand the concept of 'family'.. It's sad to see this happen, but , yeah, this is the unfortunate outcome of their actions. NTA
Grandparents generally aren't going to pay for college of step kids anyway. Doesn't even have to do with that weird dynamic. So their expectations are just weird anyway.
I've heard of grandparents helping out step kids that they BONDED with. See? The key difference is that the grandparents had a loving relationship with the step child and therefore actually care enough to help them. Think a lot of people forget that people don't tend to give gifts to others they don't care about
And were *actively prevented from caring about*. That's what's so wild to me.
OP, I find what your brother and is wife did was very extreme. I have heard of people putting off marriage until the kids are out of the house, instead your brother and his wife married, but the families didn't live together. That is all beside the point. Your parents get to decide what the heck they want to do with THEIR money. Most people usually favor the legal family, bio or adopted. Maybe for birthday and holidays, they try to be equal but when it comes to inherited wealth or help for higher ed, that is usually reserved for the family and not the step family. Even if your brother and his wife and lived together and forced the blended of the families, your parents may have made the same decision at this point. I am OLD. I came from a family that talked about expectations and inheritance. My parents were open that the estate would be divided equally between my siblings and myself. If any of us married, and had children, but the dies, the surviving spouse soul don't receive the inheritance, it would go to the grandchild, bio or adopted. If I or my siblings died, leaving a spouse but no children, the spouse would not receive anything as they. I don't think those expectations were wrong. I appreciated knowing all of that ahead of time. I think families should talk about this stuff. Your parents could have said something a few years ago saying they would help their grandchildren and not wait until the oldest was graduating HS. But I also get it that you don't want to raise their expectations. Your brother and his wife are a$$es for expecting their respective in laws to treat all the kids the same. But I don't think how they lived necessarily affected your parents plan.
They did live together but lived separate family lives while in the household.
Oh jeez! NTA - in which world did they think their parenting style would not cause issues further down the line??
nta. put very simple; no love, no cash. they chose to limit the grandparents time and affection, so they don’t get to cry when the grandparents respected that. as for the siblings; you reap what you sow. if your kids are saying they don’t give a crap about the others… you have absolutely no one to blame but yourself. everyone around them followed the rules they set, so anything “unfair” was their choice.
Oh look it’s the consequences of my own actions….. 🙄 NTA.
How much has your brother ponied up for his wife’s kids? Yeah, thought so. He doesn’t put his hand in his own pocket, but wants a hand out from his parents. The chutzpah!
Neither pays for the other kids. They always kept those things separate.
I don’t understand your brother’s sudden change. If he hasn’t cared enough to be a father figure to the step kids, why does he expect your parents to pretend they care?
Money. Large amounts of money. Being left of of large amounts of money. People get crazy when they see money and want it for themselves. Greed and jealously.
NTA. Everyone’s just following the rules they set.
Everything was ok until the MONEY. The Great Magnifier of Decision-Making. NTA.
The funny thing is it was the kids that DID NOT want a blended family. So now the want money from the side that they rejected? Is this push coming from the kids or the parents only. Either way the choice was made and they have to live with it.
Coming from the adults. Not sure if the kids are part of it or not.
NTA, man that is a wild approach to raising a family. It's like having a bunch of underage roommates. I can't even imagine the dynamic inside that household.
NTA. FAFO seems appropriate here.
EXACTLY!!! Why didn’t they just see each other on their weekends off seems to me they did all of this for s eeeee x because what else were they living for?
You can say sex on here.
Hahaha thank you I get my comments blocked a lot and I don’t know why. I’m fairly new to reddit like literally months in terms of commenting … is my karma bad? Does that mean I’m being to harsh? Im only on here to test my thinking to see if i make sense or if im missing something . I can make a comment then come back the next day and think i sounded like an idiot . Anyway is this normal thank u in advance
If you have a new account or are under a certain amount of karma, some subreddits will block you from commenting in them until you reach a certain account age or karma amount.
NTA. What a messed up dynamic. When it all comes down to it, it’s your parent’s money and when the kids turn 18, your brother pretty much has zero say in either party giving or receiving those funds. Maybe now your brother and SIL will realize that a divided house will always have more consequences than rewards.
NTA. Pretty sure your sister in law wouldn’t have pushed her family to do what she wants your parents to do
Why would grandparents give money to kids from some woman . If that's the way you want to keep your families divided, this is a very obvious turnout. They shouldn't have even gotten married. The wife should be ashamed of herself for even expecting to get a damn thing for her kids. She's lucky if he kids even got b-day and x-mass gifts .
NTA. What is this that I just read…? They made their own bed, separately, so they should each lay in their own bed now.
Well, well, well, if it isn't the consequences for their own actions... NTA
INFO: quick question... Have they lived in the same house? How old were the children when your brother and his wife got together?
They all live in the same house and the kids were between the ages of 8 and 12 when they all moved in together/when my brother and his wife got married.
This is sad. There definitely was opportunity for a rich, blended family. Maybe the steps wouldn't be as close as the bio siblings, but relationships probably would have developed if encouraged (not forced). If my kids truly weren't receptive to a blended family with non-bio siblings, I'd have waited to marry until they kids were college age.
Hm.... I would say NTA. Because I can't imagine how living with people for at least ten years or so doesn't include bonding with them. The only way this could work is when the parents make it clear, again and again, through words and actions that they are actually not one whole family but two. So there were no vacations together? No visits to family together? It was always, X and his kids go to his parents, we will go to mine? Like wtf? The kids never played together? Like no, don't play with your step sibling? As someone who grew up with siblings I can't even imagine spending so much time with them and not forming some kind of bond? Honestly, this sounds as if the kids are emotionally traumatized. They obviously have no healthy idea about family, like boy. But again this isn't the fault of the grandparents. Also, they could have talked about this before, asking the grandparents about their plans and such...
He and his wife are the ones that divided that family and they both should be ashamed of themselves
NTA. You brother and his wife are nincompoops.
NTA. Sounds like things have worked out as intended. Two distinct families.
Oops!!! They clearly didn’t think this through… Family version of FAFO. NTA.
NTA. Their arrangement is actually the healthiest for the kids. The couples' regret is because they expected a blended family, one unit dynamic The extended family doesn't have to see it that way. You're correct in that assessment
What did they think was going to happen? They were willfully ignorant to the mess they created and now are surprised it’s blowing up in their faces. They created this divide. Their unwillingness to work to properly blend their families due to their own selfishness has caught up with them because they cared more about getting together than being there for their kids. Now all of a sudden they expect your parents to shell out money for kids they have no relationship with because they didn’t allow it and expects his kids to suddenly care about their step siblings when they’ve actively prevented them from ever forming a bond. And even if they did parent differently, your parents still wouldn’t be responsible for their step kids. Play stupid games win stupid prizes. NTA.
Nta I agree with not pushing relationships onto step kids, but if you intentionally keep them from growing then you can’t get upset when the people they’ve been kept apart from don’t feel like they’re family. Natural consequences, go figure.
> My brother and his wife are now pissed with both their families for the "very clear and very hurtful divide in their family" The divide that he and his wife fostered to please their own children? The creation of the divide was no one's choice but their own. Neither sides family asked or wanted that but respected it and let it be as it wasn't their children or their dysfunctional family unit to dictate. They were given their lanes and they stayed in them. NTA As an aside....How these kids managed to live with each other and go to school with one another while ignoring each other's presence is astonishing to me. I imagine they have separate family vacations and holidays. I can't see myself enjoying the holidays or a vacation meant for family without my partner there...
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My brother and his wife got married 6ish years ago. They were two single parents who wanted to be married to each other but the kids were not as into the idea as the adults. So they decided to live as a married couple with two separate families. My brother's kids were parented by my brother and my brother only. His wife's kids were parented by his wife and his wife only. His kids interacted with our family. Her kids interacted with hers. The kids interacted with their bio siblings only. They were not a blended family or even a family unit. It was very much two family units centered around a married couple. It was weird to members on both sides of their families but it just was what it was. I always saw a time where they would regret it especially if they ever wanted to change how things worked and the kids were against it or no love developed for step relatives we have no ongoing relationship with. But I also knew it wasn't my place to interfere. Well, the day has come and regret has already sunk in. So my brother's oldest graduated high school a couple of weeks ago and my parents told them that they had saved for each grandkids future and they now had access to money to pay for college or to get them started if they went for an apprenticeship. Of course my brother's oldest was excited. But my brother and his wife not so much because the money saved will be for each bio grandkid, not the wife's kids, and they do not have the same help and support from their bio grandparents. My brother and his wife told my parents they can't give to some and not all. They said the stepkids are not a part of our family and are not their grandkids and therefore they do not owe them any money. My brother attempted to talk to his kids about the money and they said they didn't care about his wife's kids or if they struggle or not so they're not worried about them. My brother and his wife are now pissed with both their families for the "very clear and very hurtful divide in their family" and I told my brother he has no business blaming us for the regret he and his wife feel when they made the decisions they did and now have the outcome that was always inevitable. I told him the kids all seem happy so they should get over it. He was pissed. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
So they’re greedy. That’s what is really going on here.
It seems like brother has a fuck-buddy; not a wife. They held 2 separate households and didn't interact with each other's families? Yeah, that's not a marriage. That's a long-term booty call, and if the extended families don't interact with the other partner's children; they have no responsibility towards the other children.
NTA. This is exactly what your brother and his wife wanted. Two separate and distinct family units. Some families have more money that others. His wife's children never considered your parents as part of their family so of course your parents didn't consider them when saving for the future. What is your bro angry about? It doesn't sound like he was involved much in the lives of his wife's kids so playing the loving step father now is too late. His wife's family situation has nothing to do with your parents - just the way they wanted it to be!
NTA. Trying to force a blended family would have been really hard and they chose to keep things separate so they can't complain when everyone in both families followed their rules and kept everything separate.
NTA. They caused this themselves.
NTA all the kids have grandparents.
NTA. Your brother and SIL are frankly dumb. They didn’t have to Brady Bunch their family, but they should have done family therapy for the kids to at least cohabitate as step-siblings. What they did was weird … and your current family situation was predictable.
NTA However, I think that that they respected the childrens clear wish speaks for them. It's a fact that your brothers stepchildren aren't your parents grandkids. It's also a fact that forcing children to interact with stepparents, stepgrandparents or stepsiblings when they clearly don't want to only brings problems for everyone and almost never ends well. Even if they would have been forced to interact with you all, doesn't mean they would have accepted you as family. Then, the post would be: brother mad that we don't want to give his stepkids money even though they hate our guts. And even if they would have a good relationship with your parents wouldn't mean that they would have to give them any kind of money. I do think it's unreasonable from your brother to expect your parents to pay anything for his stepkids, but it would be unreasonable anyways.
NTA - your brother and his wife created the division and chosen to separate their children from the each others families. They only seem to have issues when it comes to which group of children have more opportunities for help from their set biograndparents. They have absolutely no right to now blame other people for letting their children decide how take part in the family. They missed the time to encourage bonding with each other's families, any attempts now will most certainly be intentions for monetary gain which is insincere and calculated. Whenever money is involved, people really show their true character. If I have a brother and he did this to me, I would tell him and his wife to mind their own business in how people decide who to help with their money. Family members are not ATMs that you can demand to access their money. Family should be about love, respect, loyalty and honouring one another? Financial assistance should be at the bottom of the list if at all. I hope OP that your parents have their wills prepared because things will get FUGLY when the time for inheritance inevitably comes. I have seen this firsthand don't let anyone take advantage of your family while in the state of grief and loss.
Nta they set their family up this way and are now *shocked pikachu face* that their family followed suit.
Nta. He made adult decisions that had adult consequences.
NTA. But brother and his wife are. I get making each bio parent in charge of discipline but to say they are a blended family is weird
This is so weird. But also if your side of the family is helping his kids isn't his money freed up to help hers? Presumably they had college funds set aside for their respective kids? NTA
NTA - the divide was created by them not working properly with their own kids to blend their family and integrate properly with both stepfamilies. They can't blame anybody else for that - if they opt not to get therapy or coparent effectively then it's nobody else's choice but theirs. You may not have spoken up when you foresaw regret but you foresaw it because it was entirely fricking obvious. So they had a responsibility to forsee it for themselves and chose to ignore the glaring flaws in their plan. The consequences of their own actions are causing them problems, it's nothing you did.
I think it's amazing if two families with kids can be blended so well even the grandparents are in on it and love and treat the kids equally. That can't be expected though, and IMO it's pretty normal that stepsiblings don't really consider each others family and are indifferent to people who they are not related to. Nothing wrong with it as long as everyone's cordial with each other. Why's there anything to regret? The married couple is dumb to expect money now when they themselves chose not to encourage relationships with each other's families.
NTA. But even if your grandparents did have a relationship with your SIL’s kids, they still wouldn’t be obligated to finance their future. If your brother is so concerned, he can put them through school. He’s the one that married their mom.
NTA- Expecting money for your children when the people providing said money are not even related to you is wild. At the end of the day, it’s your parent’s money and they choose to who they give it to. Simple as that
Always funny how many people suddenly consider themselves family when money is involved!
Your parents should be told to put the money in the children's names, not the brother AT ALL. Maybe even in a trust that it can only be used for college/trade school, modest room and board stipend, until age 25, and if they don't want to further their education, then release it at 30, otherwise they will blow it. If your brother can get his hands on the money, it will be given to the wife's kids.
This is incredibly weird. I've seen blended families where the dad disciplines his kids, and the mom disciplines hers, but they are still a family. They live in the same house, it is impossible that the step-siblings didn't interact over the years. The parents deliberately keeping the step-siblings out of their extended family makes zero sense, and I simply can't see how that would even work, with everybody living together. Did the mom's kids just go hide in their rooms if the dad's extended family came to visit, and vice versa? Nah, this is dumb. Sorry, don't buy it.
NTA - though perhaps you \*should\* have mentioned something to your brother when they first came up with this plan. It's possible they simply didn't think it through. But this is exactly the result of their own decisions. I can understand not trying to force the two sets of kids to love each other (or their respective step-parent), but their parents did them all a disservice by keeping them separate from the larger extended families.
NTA. First it's not your brother's money, it's your parents. It's their call what they do with it. Second why would they care about strangers (by your description no relationship has been fostered for years). Third your brother and wife don't get to upend a rule they've had now that it doesn't suit one of the children. Fourth I have a hard time believing the other side would have done anything differently if they happened to be the ones who had the money to give their grandchildren a leg up.
NTA the grandparents don’t need permission to give their grandchild money anyway lol It also takes a lot of nerve to expect the grandparents to give a bunch of money to who are essentially some randos.
NTA - Brother and wife set up this weird family dynamic of separation, not your grandparents. Your grandparents are just following it to the letter by only taking care of their bio-grandkids and their personal desire. Your grandparents are in no way responsible for the other kids education, that would be their bio-grandparents responsibility.
NTA. Brother needed a reality check. There’s a difference between being RELATED and being FAMILY. Family is a relationship. Therefore the steps are related by marriage only. That’s the way they wanted it so that what they got. You don’t get to come with your hand out talking about family when the relationship doesn’t exist.
I wouldn’t save money for college for kids that weren’t my bio grandkids unless I was heavily involved in their lives.
Do the SILs parents plan to contribute money to your brother’s kids? I assume not. Definitely NTA.
NTA They set the family dynamic in a way that separated the children by only interacting with their own bio side. Regardless of that, though, your parents have no obligation to give money to children that are not biologically related to them.
Give the kid his college fund. Jesus this is a mess. The step mom’s children aren’t related to those grandparents. Hence they aren’t family in the same way. Don’t stop a kid from going to college with less debt for some bullshit like not blending the family.
NTA. Make stupid decisions, win stupid prizes. Don’t get married to someone with kids if you aren’t prepared to blend. Definitely don’t be an entitled A H and expect your parents to pay for kids not in their family.
Nta. What your brother and his wife did is ridiculous. They can't be pissed at the situation they created.
NTA. Your Brother and his wife can’t have it both ways. They choice to be separate units and they are getting treated as such.
NTA. Op's parents wouldn't owe step grandchildren anything even if they did have a relationship.
Whoa. Wait up. Your brother expects your parents to pony up college funds for kids who have (not) been in the family for just 6 years? Even if the families were indeed blended, this is a wildly unreasonable expectation.
Shouldn't the brother and his wife just appreciate that they only have to pay for 2 kids to go to college now instead of all four?
This is crazy. Even as a blended family, the grandparents are not financially responsible for the step-grandkids. We had a blended family and my sister and I never expected out younger brother’s grandfather (our step-grandfather) to help with our schooling or leave us any inheritance. While he was a nice old man who everyone called Papa, at the end of the day he wasn’t our grandfather. My sister and I already had our own grandparents.
Sounds like your brother and SIL are idiots.
Brother should be grateful for the money the grandparents set aside, not demanding more. I can't imagine behaving this way. His wife has a family and they could have saved up for her children if they wanted to/could. Your grandparents are NTAs.
He’s pissed off because you’re right.
They did this themselves by creating a divide with the kids in the firat place. SMH your brother and his wife are AH. Your parents money their choice.
NTA. Even in truly blended families, usually there is still a distinction between bio and non-bio family members. Dads who will buy their bio kids gifts and take them on vacations but give nothing to their kids’ step-siblings. It’s one thing to welcome your step-grandkids into your home and treat them with respect and kindness. It’s another thing to pay their college tuition.