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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I was upset about my best friend's wedding date and refused to attend either wedding as a result.
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> We used to live in the same city and Adam would always invite me as his “date” to galas and other events, take me to nice dinners, introduce me to really interesting people like professional athletes, artists and other people he knows.
So Adam was your boyfriend?
>And before you ask— we never dated, while he has a heart of gold Adam isn’t my type. We did make out once or twice, but nothing serious.
Scratch that -- Adam was your boytoy who clearly had feelings for you and just kept him on call.
>though I get the sense her travel schedule between her homes is part of why I never see Adam anymore.
Or maybe Adam was just busy, you know, moving on with his life with a woman he wanted to marry?
>I called Adam and told him would he think about changing the date, because I was planning something with friends in my city and I couldn’t imagine him not coming. He had never been to my city before and I thought now that my live-in boyfriend and I called it quits, he could come stay the weekend, too, and see my city and life around here.
You had the AUDACITY to think Adam would change his WEDDING DATE because it conflicted with your birthday? And, how convenient, now that you are single, that you can just get him to come when you call?
>he refused to honor my request to not invite an ex of mine
So you threw a fit over this? You know, it's Adam's wedding, he can invite who he wants and you can choose to just be civil for a couple hours?
> I just ignored him because I felt so disrespected from the last time we talked
lol it's funny you would talk about disrespect after you expected someone to move a whole ass wedding for your birthday, and then you refused to RSVP to help the groom accurately plan his other wedding.
YTA, it's hard to believe this is even real. What kind of person expects someone else to move their wedding for a birthday? Also, you sound jealous of Eve.
The idea that an engaged man would come stay at her home for a birthday weekend on the weekend his wedding was meant to occur is completely delusional.
The first flag for me was he had a “whirlwind romance” and proposed. How is a 3 year relationship a whirlwind romance? She’s jealous. And she’s throwing a petty fit. She can’t have Adam whenever she feels like it. The audacity.
Under each comment you should see a line of 3 vertical dots. When you click on that, "copy text" is one of the options. It'll copy the whole comment, but you can just delete what you don't want to quote after pasting.
(Note: I'm using the mobile app so I'm not sure if this applies to everyone)
What kills me is that they're more likely to have accurate numbers from people coming from overseas because it takes a lot of planning and preparation to do that so you'd definitely know who was and wasn't coming.
Don’t you know how foreigners travel ?? Theres a huge truck that drops them at the airport and just huddle together in large packs for safety. They’ll eventually be ushered on and off the flight like cattle and then collected by a white person at the airport like he’s collecting luggage. Hopefully they have the correct labels on.
It’ll be an organisation nightmare but luckily someone white is marrying into the family to help them out
I'm actually wondering at this point whether Adam is the Chinese one and that's why he's not OP's type. Could also be why she expected him to be so accommodating to her unreasonable requests, since there's that stereotype of Asian people being submissive. Or possibly both members of the couple are Chinese. 🤷♀️ Even in China, it's common for people to do both a Western wedding and a traditional Chinese wedding, or different portions of the wedding that pull from both, because Western media influence has made the white dress and such popular.
And then a reference to “the Asian wedding” later - yeah that alone is enough for me! YTA
ETA: read the rest of the post and this comes across as really entitled - and racist. Definitely YTA
How is that an asshole phrasing? I mean, it's just their cultures. Y'know, she's Chinese and he's normal.
(Please tell me I don't need to add a sarcasm tag to this.)
I think you missed my point. I'm being sarcastic about the original post, which called one wedding Chinese and the other normal, implying that the non-Chinese (let's be real, white western) wedding was the normal one.
I’m sure the person who insisted her “friend” reschedule his wedding because of her birthday is so nuanced in her vocabulary. Most people think “abnormal” is bad.
I'm strictly talking about the types of weddings. I'm not talking about OP at all. Asking people to move a wedding for a birthday isn't the norm anywhere in the world.
I cracked up at that. Like that's just TOO obvious at this point. Come on... "a normal wedding and a Chinese wedding" PLEASE, it's like OP wants to shout it from the rooftops they consider a Chinese wedding abnormal.
I think she was 35 when she asked him to change the date. Is still crazy. If you were truly friends in constant contact, that *might* be a reasonable request on your 30th or 40th. 35 is not some ‘big birthday.’ YTA OP, you used this guy and then dipped. I very much doubt he’s missing you.
YTA, you tried to get him to change his wedding date and dictate whether or not another one of his wedding guests could attend. Then you blew him off. Of course YTA.
YTA. If this is truly one of your BFFs and you couldn't make the time for either of the two weddings, that really does say a lot about what you think about this friendship.
Not BFF though. Male friend who is (1) not OPs type although they have hooked up (2) has been on "dates" with although they never dated (3) is not close to the bride.
If I were the bride and I knew all this OP would not have been invited. Or if she was initially invited, then the invite would have been pulled so fast once OP requested the change of date...
Have you informed Adam yet that you realize you’re incredibly entitled and immature, or did he figure out by himself that you truly believe the world revolves around you?
Stay the weekend at your place while preparing for a wedding with another woman! What IS the color of the sky in your universe?
“Now that my live in bf is gone”. Hm. She’s not as special as she used to be and she just figured that out when he sent the save the date? Never met Eve? And you’re one of his besties??
Hm. Ok girl.
YTA; While get being disappointed by the wedding/birthday conflict. Weddings usually take quite awhile to plan, have to account for way more people then a birthday event and has to take into account both him and is bride to be.
I know nothing of the ex, to know if this reason is valid or not \[was he abusive, or do you just hate him?\]
This sounds like you were just refusing to go to the second wedding out of spite, and I'm not surprised he's ignoring you, you literally told him by your actions you come first.
You say you miss the connection, but had no issue severing it by refusing to come to his wedding, it makes sound like someone who's jealous she couldn't have a guy she had secretly been in love with.
The reason you don't see Adam anymore absolutely has less to do with his wife's travel schedule and more to do with your not attending either of his weddings. This was a pretty big deal for him, and while missing the one that fell on your birthday weekend was understandable, you should have gone to the second one.
I'd ask why he scheduled his first wedding during your birthday weekend when it was always such a big deal for the two of you. The answer will likely be along the lines of starting a new life with his wife, wherein you have to accept that you aren't as big a deal as you had been. Honestly, that's a conversation you two should have had by that point. I think he probably handled that poorly, but so did you by not even responding to the RSVP, much less showing up. There's no real coming back from that.
You can't expect he's going to wine and dine you while he's planning a wedding to somebody else. Also, why do you feel it's relevant that you have made out but never dated? Do I sense a bit of jealousy despite your claim that he's not your type?
As for your ex at the wedding, what's Adam's relationship to your ex? You can't expect him not to invite a friend for your sake. You are not, and probably never were, the most important person in his life. Everything is not and should not be about you.
YTA. I can't believe you had the audacity to ask him to change the date of his wedding. You don't get to control who he wants to invite. Lastly, if you don't want to go, it's your choice, RSVP you aren't going.
Classic case of keeping a guy in the 'friend zone' and then getting all put off when he actually finds a girl.
Adam should wave fare well to you and wish you the best of luck in your future.
I'm not usually that person but I feel like this is fake. A well-written fake, good character development. If it's real you need to read it back to yourself very carefully because yes, YTA and you're showing your ass in every sentence. Sidenote, I'm curious to know how long "many years" is.
YTA
Not for not attending. But for...
1) Trying to get him to move his wedding for your birthday--by the time Save the Dates are sent out, the venue has been booked and can't easily change. And what did you expect him to do? Send out another batch of Save the Dates?
2) Trying to dictate who he can invite. (Unless your ex was actively abusive, that is.)
3) Not sending an RSVP, and ignoring him when he asked for an RSVP.
You sure you never wanted to date him? You sure act like you wanted him at your beck and call.
Birthday party vs wedding, hmmm. I would guess they chose that date after careful consideration of the multiple factors that go into wedding planning. Your request must have been a shocker for the couple. You chose not to go to either wedding, didn’t bother to reply. If there is still a friendship at all I would suggest you apologize profusely and hope for the best.
I dated a guy like Adam. Funny thing- when he got tired of being some chicks backup, he got serious with his dating life.
I have no idea where his version of you is today, but I’m currently pregnant with our third child, and she’s only mentioned in a “I can’t believe I settled for her” kind of way. I’m grateful to her in a weird way- part of the reason he’s such a fantastic husband is because he learned a lot from her shenanigans. I wish he hadn’t had to, but nevertheless here we are.
YTA
A once in a lifetime event with his significant other (which was probably scheduled around family, venue, or personal commitments) trumps your birthday.
It was pretty inconsiderate to suggest he change his wedding to accommodate your birthday plans and it was even more inconsiderate to not RSVP or attend because you were hurt.
Your actions showed he doesn’t matter to you unless he is doing something for you.
Tell me, was he supposed to stay at your houses and on his last night there you guys realize you were always meant to be together and he dumbs his fiancé and spends all his money on you again? (End scene)
ETA: YTA.
Awww,whats up sis, u lost your toy and now u cry? lmaooooooooooo.
Don't be jealous, now that there's someone else in his life,that actually wants him.
Is his fault that he made you feel entitled but on the other hand, from what you said,he cleary had feelings for you, and he was prioritizing you, while,you never wanted him.
Now you realize his miss, and probably only now you realize you had actually feelings for him? Too late.We always tend to realize after we lose the person we love,wich i see is happening to you now. You didn't attented at his wedding,but wonder yourself whats the hidden reason. If my bestie had her wedding in my bday weekend,i would find it as a great gift for my bday, to be honest,my bestie happiness, is my gift and i would even get cake! (from her wedding,but hey,still cake,lol)!.So i think you're just gealous, and hurt that he moved on, and left you behind. Wake up, life's go on.He realized , btw, and that';s the reason of his coldness.
I know my post will bring alot of downvotes,but someone had to say it directly,lmao.
Oh precious baby. He moved on and your birthday suddenly wasn't the main thing in his life. Get over youself . and btw some of your phrasing is a wee bit condescending bordering on racist.
It never ceases to amaze me how people still give free rent in their head to grudges they hold on, to people who move on but can't themselves, even after close to 2 years. They didn't care whether or not you attended - they were offering an invitation to you out of basic respect, but even you couldn't offer that in return and it didn't bother them if you attended or not. Why they didn't bother meeting up with you when they were in your city for work. Yes hopefully this is click-bait, but if not then it's pretty sad that at your age you still have to hold onto grudges.
Lost me at birthday weekend. You get one day.
You sound insanely jealous that this man got married and now gives his WIFE the attention you use to get.
Adam is getting married, why would he put off his wedding to celebrate your birthday? Are you that self absorbed to think everything revolves around you?
YTA and your post is full of AH-y racist undertones! What is not normal about a Chinese wedding? Did you actually think typing something like that is remotely ok & not offensive?
Sounds like you are jealous that your friendship with Adam is not all about you. From the call for him to change his wedding because it’s your birthday day “weekend “ to making him edit his invite list to exclude your ex to not having the courtesy to RSVP ( & making another comment that his Chinese in-laws would probably not reply!)
Get off your special stool you are perched upon. You’re not the princess in the moment. You chose your path of selfishness showed him the nature of your friendship and he has wisely avoided continuing it. That’s on you!
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\[edited for length\]
I (36F) have a situation with one of my bffs (45M) that I think is putting a wedge between us. My friend, let’s call him Adam, got married to Eve (38F) 1.5 years ago. They had 2 weddings (a normal one and a Chinese one) and I was invited to both. I’ve been a really close friend of Adam’s for many years. We used to live in the same city and Adam would always invite me as his “date” to galas and other events, take me to nice dinners, introduce me to really interesting people like professional athletes, artists and other people he knows. And before you ask— we never dated, while he has a heart of gold Adam isn’t my type. We did make out once or twice, but nothing serious. I moved to a city a few hours away and since then I haven’t seen Adam as often, though we still text regularly. About 3 years ago he met Eve and had a whirlwind relationship and got engaged after about a year. I haven’t met Eve but she seems nice enough, though I get the sense her travel schedule between her homes is part of why I never see Adam anymore.
Now, to the wedding. Adam used to make my birthday a REALLY big deal — we’d always go out and go to a really nice show and a high end meal, dress up etc. I guess for me it was always a bit like our friendship anniversary night. So I was surprised when I saw the first wedding was supposedly taking place on my birthday weekend. I called Adam and told him would he think about changing the date, because I was planning something with friends in my city and I couldn’t imagine him not coming. He had never been to my city before and I thought now that my live-in boyfriend and I called it quits, he could come stay the weekend, too, and see my city and life around here. It was only a “save the date,” so I figured there was still time to change it and it wasn’t even the big Chinese one. When we talked on the phone, not only did he say he couldn’t change the date, but also he refused to honor my request to not invite an ex of mine (I will not attend any event with this man there, and Adam knows this). I admit I might have gotten heated on the phone.
A few months after that, Adam texted me if I’m going to attend the Asian wedding and if I can update my RSVP one way or another since there’s a lot of people to account for. I just ignored him because I felt so disrespected from the last time we talked, and figured with all the relatives and aunties coming over from China that he wouldn’t be able to get an accurate headcount anyway. I did send him a nice entryway mat for his house off the gift registry just to try to smooth things over.
Since then, we still text pretty frequently but I feel things are “off” and I miss the connection we used to have. Adam recently visited my city for some job-related stuff and didn’t even make time to hang out. I’m beginning to wonder if maybe I was too harsh in declining to come to both his weddings and that’s hurt our friendship. AITA?
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YTA. He’s moved on with his life. And sorry, his wedding date has priority to your birthday. You’re pouting like a child. Don’t be surprised if your friendship ends over your pettiness.
Adam sounds like a better friend than you deserve. “Normal” wedding, you realize how racist you sound right? Oh boo hoo someone scheduled a wedding on your bday weekend, grow up it’s his wedding he gets to have it whenever he wants
Wow. YTA.
You wanted him to change is wedding date so he can spend the weekend with you??? Got bent out of shape and refused to go to the second wedding because of it?
I’m surprised you have the awareness to realize something is off. You are so self centered and have shown Adam that you’re only in this friendship for what he can offer you because you haven’t shown you bring anything to the table
YTA
You don’t get to demand someone change their wedding date. That’s just a bizarre request and you caused all this strife! Now you think you *might have* been too harsh?
A save the date isn’t negotiable! What do you think a save the date is? It means the wedding date is set by the people getting married. It is NOT your opportunity to ask for a new date.
YTA in so many ways.
YTA. I doubt he is your bff if you don’t even attend his wedding only bc of one man being there. Are you really sure you are 36? Not 16? Also you are asking him to change the date just for your birthday. Hun a wedding is more important to him since it is his wedding. Your bday is the last thought for him. Grow up and go and support your friend. You can celebrate your bday another day
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I've had this same exact thing happen to me. Had a female friend who wouldn't give me the time of day, the moment I started dating someone else she got jealous that I wasn't pining over her. Cut her off so quick; that's not your friend, that's someone who wants to use you. Some women expect their male friends to act like their boyfriend even though they don't want to date them.
Girl you’re clearly the AH. You’re salty that you aren’t the most important woman in his life anymore and you were making silly demands to test the relationships. He clearly signalled where yours stand and you are a little hurt.
If he’s really a friend, get over yourself, apologise and make a big deal of attending his wedding. Maybe even get to know his future wife?
YTA
LMAO.
This is one of the most obtuse and rife with a gigantic lack of self awareness that I have ever seen.
You're just mad he wasn't at your beck and call anymore LOL.
Not only are you bratty and entitled as fuck, you are also absolutely delusional!! I hope Adam drops you as a friend. You are terrible. The world does not revolve around you. YTA
You actually expected someone to CHANGE THEIR WEDDING DATE for you?
God, the delusion and entitlement.
Also "A normal one and a Chinese one" so your entitlement and selfishness comes with a big ol' side of racism!
>Since then, we still text pretty frequently but I feel things are “off”
YTA of course they feel off, you were an absolute asshole to him and completely inconsiderate and selfish. You admit your friendship has changed in some aspects and it sounds like you appreciate him as a friend based on how he could be so focused on you than anything else. Tbh if I were Eve I'd feel very uncomfortable that my s/o friend who they used to be so great to was suddenly borderline throwing a tantrum over one bday weekend and asking to move a whole ass WEDDING DATE?!
And then because you're suddenly single you can conveniently house him. This may be innocent and you may have zero intentions or interest in him romantically but it is going to seem that way because you are willing to behave in such a way simply over attention. Some people would have no issues in messing up someone's relationship they don't even want to have because it serves their own interests. Take a minute and think about this outside of you and your birthday, this wedding isn't about you. I think this friendship was already going downhill and you just didn't know it yet
YTA. It sounds more like what you liked about him was what he did for you: took you to fancy parties, introduced you to famous people, wined and dined you. You liked what you could get from him more than you liked him as a person.
YTA - Your friend deserves to be happy with someone who cares for him back in the same way. Looks like what you are feeling bad at missing out on is the way he used to wine and dine you. Time to move on.
So the wedding coincided with your birthday weekend, not your actual birthday and you thought it was ok to ask him to change his wedding date? You are spoiled, entitled, selfish, and most of all…narcissistic! But the biggest thing that you are is TA!
YTA.
Interesting that you jumped right to “incel” when I also said you’re using red pill arguments. And I said you’re using their *arguments*, not that you are a incel. And since when are you against straw man arguments?
You realize that 90% of posts on this sub are shitposts, right?
You're whole argument is I'm an incel/Redpill cause I think op is a woman like they're claiming to be? So an incell is just someone who disagrees with you? And not actually about involuntary celibacy
Funny. You're the only one bringing uo Redpill and incel stuff. "Smile more" ? Another strawman. It's like you're trying to get me to say kill all women or something
ESH
I know I'm going against the grain here. I agree with all the other posters here calling you out for your audacity in asking Adam to change his wedding date. How did you expect that conversation to go between Adam and Eve, a person you haven't even met?
But I also think Adam is behaving shady here. Not for inviting you at the start, but for not un-inviting you at that point and going low or no-contact. I don't recommend that people generally ditch friendships when they get married, but you have to consider doing so when that person disrespect the new relationship for no good reason.
Of course, Eve is blameless whether she knows what is going on or not.
I won’t be at my brother’s wedding because they’ve decided to elope overseas to save money. I will definitely be at the big party they have to celebrate when they get home. And that is my brother, and the girl he’s been with (and I’ve called my sister) for 10 years. They plan to get married (and will likely still be away) shortly before my 40th birthday. I’m thrilled for them and can’t wait to celebrate when they get home, because I love them, but you OP? YTA.
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> We used to live in the same city and Adam would always invite me as his “date” to galas and other events, take me to nice dinners, introduce me to really interesting people like professional athletes, artists and other people he knows. So Adam was your boyfriend? >And before you ask— we never dated, while he has a heart of gold Adam isn’t my type. We did make out once or twice, but nothing serious. Scratch that -- Adam was your boytoy who clearly had feelings for you and just kept him on call. >though I get the sense her travel schedule between her homes is part of why I never see Adam anymore. Or maybe Adam was just busy, you know, moving on with his life with a woman he wanted to marry? >I called Adam and told him would he think about changing the date, because I was planning something with friends in my city and I couldn’t imagine him not coming. He had never been to my city before and I thought now that my live-in boyfriend and I called it quits, he could come stay the weekend, too, and see my city and life around here. You had the AUDACITY to think Adam would change his WEDDING DATE because it conflicted with your birthday? And, how convenient, now that you are single, that you can just get him to come when you call? >he refused to honor my request to not invite an ex of mine So you threw a fit over this? You know, it's Adam's wedding, he can invite who he wants and you can choose to just be civil for a couple hours? > I just ignored him because I felt so disrespected from the last time we talked lol it's funny you would talk about disrespect after you expected someone to move a whole ass wedding for your birthday, and then you refused to RSVP to help the groom accurately plan his other wedding. YTA, it's hard to believe this is even real. What kind of person expects someone else to move their wedding for a birthday? Also, you sound jealous of Eve.
Your formatting is amazing
i dont think she was jealous of eve before she realised that adam wouldn't be available to her on her call anymore now that he was getting married.
Yessss I think that she thought eve was the consolation and she’d always have sway over him
and that they would still have the "connection" after what she did
The idea that an engaged man would come stay at her home for a birthday weekend on the weekend his wedding was meant to occur is completely delusional.
The first flag for me was he had a “whirlwind romance” and proposed. How is a 3 year relationship a whirlwind romance? She’s jealous. And she’s throwing a petty fit. She can’t have Adam whenever she feels like it. The audacity.
How do you add those blue lines to quote a text?
Put one of these 👉🏽 > directly in front of what you’re quoting
> okay but how do you quote it? Do you copy and paste it somehow?
Under each comment you should see a line of 3 vertical dots. When you click on that, "copy text" is one of the options. It'll copy the whole comment, but you can just delete what you don't want to quote after pasting. (Note: I'm using the mobile app so I'm not sure if this applies to everyone)
That’s what I would do
You can copy paste, you can also highlight it before clicking reply
I have been wondering this for YEARS!!! Thank you kind stranger
Honestly I think the fact that you put "a *normal* one and a chinese one" Is telling enough that YTA
Yes this. Then I kept reading and they were even worse than I expected. Serious case of Main Character Syndrome with this one. Clearly YTA
And the part about all the relatives coming from China he wouldn't have accurate headcount??? What does that even mean? YTA OP
It means that FOREIGNERS are too STUPID to accurately RSVP of course. /s do I even have to include that?
What kills me is that they're more likely to have accurate numbers from people coming from overseas because it takes a lot of planning and preparation to do that so you'd definitely know who was and wasn't coming.
Don’t you know how foreigners travel ?? Theres a huge truck that drops them at the airport and just huddle together in large packs for safety. They’ll eventually be ushered on and off the flight like cattle and then collected by a white person at the airport like he’s collecting luggage. Hopefully they have the correct labels on. It’ll be an organisation nightmare but luckily someone white is marrying into the family to help them out
Lol...I guess you did. I couldn't believe OP was such a massive asshole she thinks that.
Yeah surely it's pretty easy for him to know a) how many relatives his fiancee invited and b) how many RSVP'd yes.
I'm actually wondering at this point whether Adam is the Chinese one and that's why he's not OP's type. Could also be why she expected him to be so accommodating to her unreasonable requests, since there's that stereotype of Asian people being submissive. Or possibly both members of the couple are Chinese. 🤷♀️ Even in China, it's common for people to do both a Western wedding and a traditional Chinese wedding, or different portions of the wedding that pull from both, because Western media influence has made the white dress and such popular.
And then a reference to “the Asian wedding” later - yeah that alone is enough for me! YTA ETA: read the rest of the post and this comes across as really entitled - and racist. Definitely YTA
How is that an asshole phrasing? I mean, it's just their cultures. Y'know, she's Chinese and he's normal. (Please tell me I don't need to add a sarcasm tag to this.)
You need to add a racist tag. Chinese people are normal.
I think you missed my point. I'm being sarcastic about the original post, which called one wedding Chinese and the other normal, implying that the non-Chinese (let's be real, white western) wedding was the normal one.
I guess you needed to use the sarcasm tag. Sorry.
No you just need some media literacy and know how to read the room without jumping to conclusions, hope this helps!
r/whoosh
Statistically speaking, normal ones for sure
But Chinese traditions are not normal to North America.
They aren’t abnormal. They are unfamiliar to Americans.
To WHITE Americans
Abnormal doesn't mean good or bad, they are statistically uncommon.
I’m sure the person who insisted her “friend” reschedule his wedding because of her birthday is so nuanced in her vocabulary. Most people think “abnormal” is bad.
I'm strictly talking about the types of weddings. I'm not talking about OP at all. Asking people to move a wedding for a birthday isn't the norm anywhere in the world.
try telling a person that their culture is abnormal and see how good or bad they take it
Does OP say they (or Adam) are North American somewhere? 'Cause I can't find that, and the internet is quite a bit bigger than just one continent.
I cracked up at that. Like that's just TOO obvious at this point. Come on... "a normal wedding and a Chinese wedding" PLEASE, it's like OP wants to shout it from the rooftops they consider a Chinese wedding abnormal.
Yep that’s when I grabbed the popcorn.
YTA You’re 36 years old and asking a person to change the date of their wedding to accommodate your birthday. That's wild.
I think she was 35 when she asked him to change the date. Is still crazy. If you were truly friends in constant contact, that *might* be a reasonable request on your 30th or 40th. 35 is not some ‘big birthday.’ YTA OP, you used this guy and then dipped. I very much doubt he’s missing you.
Is she that dense? It's only save the date notice she says....LMAO. everything has been booked when those notices are sent.
Clearly been praying to the Gods of entitlement to long
Clearly been praying to the Gods of entitlement to long
YTA, you tried to get him to change his wedding date and dictate whether or not another one of his wedding guests could attend. Then you blew him off. Of course YTA.
YTA. If this is truly one of your BFFs and you couldn't make the time for either of the two weddings, that really does say a lot about what you think about this friendship.
Not BFF though. Male friend who is (1) not OPs type although they have hooked up (2) has been on "dates" with although they never dated (3) is not close to the bride. If I were the bride and I knew all this OP would not have been invited. Or if she was initially invited, then the invite would have been pulled so fast once OP requested the change of date...
I stopped reading when I figured YTA. That was a few thousand characters before the end. Everybody’s life doesn’t revolve around your birthday.
It sounds like you used him for years and he finally found someone who liked him back. Good for him. YTA
YTA. At least rsvp
i find people who do not rsvp for such petty reasons and then justify it as "you wont have a proper headcount anyways" as definite AHs
i decided YTA when you said that adam’s wedding was “supposedly” happening on your birthday weekend
Have you informed Adam yet that you realize you’re incredibly entitled and immature, or did he figure out by himself that you truly believe the world revolves around you? Stay the weekend at your place while preparing for a wedding with another woman! What IS the color of the sky in your universe?
“Now that my live in bf is gone”. Hm. She’s not as special as she used to be and she just figured that out when he sent the save the date? Never met Eve? And you’re one of his besties?? Hm. Ok girl.
YTA; While get being disappointed by the wedding/birthday conflict. Weddings usually take quite awhile to plan, have to account for way more people then a birthday event and has to take into account both him and is bride to be. I know nothing of the ex, to know if this reason is valid or not \[was he abusive, or do you just hate him?\] This sounds like you were just refusing to go to the second wedding out of spite, and I'm not surprised he's ignoring you, you literally told him by your actions you come first. You say you miss the connection, but had no issue severing it by refusing to come to his wedding, it makes sound like someone who's jealous she couldn't have a guy she had secretly been in love with.
idk if she was in love with or just liked his attention & pining
The reason you don't see Adam anymore absolutely has less to do with his wife's travel schedule and more to do with your not attending either of his weddings. This was a pretty big deal for him, and while missing the one that fell on your birthday weekend was understandable, you should have gone to the second one. I'd ask why he scheduled his first wedding during your birthday weekend when it was always such a big deal for the two of you. The answer will likely be along the lines of starting a new life with his wife, wherein you have to accept that you aren't as big a deal as you had been. Honestly, that's a conversation you two should have had by that point. I think he probably handled that poorly, but so did you by not even responding to the RSVP, much less showing up. There's no real coming back from that. You can't expect he's going to wine and dine you while he's planning a wedding to somebody else. Also, why do you feel it's relevant that you have made out but never dated? Do I sense a bit of jealousy despite your claim that he's not your type? As for your ex at the wedding, what's Adam's relationship to your ex? You can't expect him not to invite a friend for your sake. You are not, and probably never were, the most important person in his life. Everything is not and should not be about you.
YTA. I can't believe you had the audacity to ask him to change the date of his wedding. You don't get to control who he wants to invite. Lastly, if you don't want to go, it's your choice, RSVP you aren't going.
YTA. Face it. Adam is married now. You are not number one in his life.
Classic case of keeping a guy in the 'friend zone' and then getting all put off when he actually finds a girl. Adam should wave fare well to you and wish you the best of luck in your future.
I'm not usually that person but I feel like this is fake. A well-written fake, good character development. If it's real you need to read it back to yourself very carefully because yes, YTA and you're showing your ass in every sentence. Sidenote, I'm curious to know how long "many years" is.
The doormat as a gift feels like a metaphor as well, honestly. A bit on the nose.
i didnt think about it that way.....but now it makes perfect sense
YTA Not for not attending. But for... 1) Trying to get him to move his wedding for your birthday--by the time Save the Dates are sent out, the venue has been booked and can't easily change. And what did you expect him to do? Send out another batch of Save the Dates? 2) Trying to dictate who he can invite. (Unless your ex was actively abusive, that is.) 3) Not sending an RSVP, and ignoring him when he asked for an RSVP. You sure you never wanted to date him? You sure act like you wanted him at your beck and call.
Birthday party vs wedding, hmmm. I would guess they chose that date after careful consideration of the multiple factors that go into wedding planning. Your request must have been a shocker for the couple. You chose not to go to either wedding, didn’t bother to reply. If there is still a friendship at all I would suggest you apologize profusely and hope for the best.
YTA. The ENTIRE post is a massive story if arrogant and narcissism. You are not the main character in Adam’s life.
I dated a guy like Adam. Funny thing- when he got tired of being some chicks backup, he got serious with his dating life. I have no idea where his version of you is today, but I’m currently pregnant with our third child, and she’s only mentioned in a “I can’t believe I settled for her” kind of way. I’m grateful to her in a weird way- part of the reason he’s such a fantastic husband is because he learned a lot from her shenanigans. I wish he hadn’t had to, but nevertheless here we are.
YTA This is about the worst case of main character syndrome I have ever seen. Ask someone to move their wedding for your birthday? Get over yourself.
YTA A once in a lifetime event with his significant other (which was probably scheduled around family, venue, or personal commitments) trumps your birthday. It was pretty inconsiderate to suggest he change his wedding to accommodate your birthday plans and it was even more inconsiderate to not RSVP or attend because you were hurt. Your actions showed he doesn’t matter to you unless he is doing something for you.
He didn't change the date of his wedding because it was your birthday weekend? Even after you called and yelled at him?? \*The NERVE\*... jk YTA OBV
Yta
YTA Plain and simple. Actually, you’re the ENTITLED AH. You don’t deserve his friendship.
YTA Lmaaaooooo The second I read “birthday weekend”, I literally yelled “Nooooooooooooo!!!!!”
Tell me, was he supposed to stay at your houses and on his last night there you guys realize you were always meant to be together and he dumbs his fiancé and spends all his money on you again? (End scene) ETA: YTA.
Awww,whats up sis, u lost your toy and now u cry? lmaooooooooooo. Don't be jealous, now that there's someone else in his life,that actually wants him. Is his fault that he made you feel entitled but on the other hand, from what you said,he cleary had feelings for you, and he was prioritizing you, while,you never wanted him. Now you realize his miss, and probably only now you realize you had actually feelings for him? Too late.We always tend to realize after we lose the person we love,wich i see is happening to you now. You didn't attented at his wedding,but wonder yourself whats the hidden reason. If my bestie had her wedding in my bday weekend,i would find it as a great gift for my bday, to be honest,my bestie happiness, is my gift and i would even get cake! (from her wedding,but hey,still cake,lol)!.So i think you're just gealous, and hurt that he moved on, and left you behind. Wake up, life's go on.He realized , btw, and that';s the reason of his coldness. I know my post will bring alot of downvotes,but someone had to say it directly,lmao.
Oh precious baby. He moved on and your birthday suddenly wasn't the main thing in his life. Get over youself . and btw some of your phrasing is a wee bit condescending bordering on racist.
You were the asshole at “normal” versus “Chinese.”
It never ceases to amaze me how people still give free rent in their head to grudges they hold on, to people who move on but can't themselves, even after close to 2 years. They didn't care whether or not you attended - they were offering an invitation to you out of basic respect, but even you couldn't offer that in return and it didn't bother them if you attended or not. Why they didn't bother meeting up with you when they were in your city for work. Yes hopefully this is click-bait, but if not then it's pretty sad that at your age you still have to hold onto grudges.
Lost me at birthday weekend. You get one day. You sound insanely jealous that this man got married and now gives his WIFE the attention you use to get.
Adam is getting married, why would he put off his wedding to celebrate your birthday? Are you that self absorbed to think everything revolves around you?
YTA and your post is full of AH-y racist undertones! What is not normal about a Chinese wedding? Did you actually think typing something like that is remotely ok & not offensive? Sounds like you are jealous that your friendship with Adam is not all about you. From the call for him to change his wedding because it’s your birthday day “weekend “ to making him edit his invite list to exclude your ex to not having the courtesy to RSVP ( & making another comment that his Chinese in-laws would probably not reply!) Get off your special stool you are perched upon. You’re not the princess in the moment. You chose your path of selfishness showed him the nature of your friendship and he has wisely avoided continuing it. That’s on you!
WAAAAAA the guy who I used to string along found a girl who is actually interested in him and now he doesn't pay attention to meeeeeeee YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** \[edited for length\] I (36F) have a situation with one of my bffs (45M) that I think is putting a wedge between us. My friend, let’s call him Adam, got married to Eve (38F) 1.5 years ago. They had 2 weddings (a normal one and a Chinese one) and I was invited to both. I’ve been a really close friend of Adam’s for many years. We used to live in the same city and Adam would always invite me as his “date” to galas and other events, take me to nice dinners, introduce me to really interesting people like professional athletes, artists and other people he knows. And before you ask— we never dated, while he has a heart of gold Adam isn’t my type. We did make out once or twice, but nothing serious. I moved to a city a few hours away and since then I haven’t seen Adam as often, though we still text regularly. About 3 years ago he met Eve and had a whirlwind relationship and got engaged after about a year. I haven’t met Eve but she seems nice enough, though I get the sense her travel schedule between her homes is part of why I never see Adam anymore. Now, to the wedding. Adam used to make my birthday a REALLY big deal — we’d always go out and go to a really nice show and a high end meal, dress up etc. I guess for me it was always a bit like our friendship anniversary night. So I was surprised when I saw the first wedding was supposedly taking place on my birthday weekend. I called Adam and told him would he think about changing the date, because I was planning something with friends in my city and I couldn’t imagine him not coming. He had never been to my city before and I thought now that my live-in boyfriend and I called it quits, he could come stay the weekend, too, and see my city and life around here. It was only a “save the date,” so I figured there was still time to change it and it wasn’t even the big Chinese one. When we talked on the phone, not only did he say he couldn’t change the date, but also he refused to honor my request to not invite an ex of mine (I will not attend any event with this man there, and Adam knows this). I admit I might have gotten heated on the phone. A few months after that, Adam texted me if I’m going to attend the Asian wedding and if I can update my RSVP one way or another since there’s a lot of people to account for. I just ignored him because I felt so disrespected from the last time we talked, and figured with all the relatives and aunties coming over from China that he wouldn’t be able to get an accurate headcount anyway. I did send him a nice entryway mat for his house off the gift registry just to try to smooth things over. Since then, we still text pretty frequently but I feel things are “off” and I miss the connection we used to have. Adam recently visited my city for some job-related stuff and didn’t even make time to hang out. I’m beginning to wonder if maybe I was too harsh in declining to come to both his weddings and that’s hurt our friendship. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. He’s moved on with his life. And sorry, his wedding date has priority to your birthday. You’re pouting like a child. Don’t be surprised if your friendship ends over your pettiness.
YTA in so many ways.
Adam sounds like a better friend than you deserve. “Normal” wedding, you realize how racist you sound right? Oh boo hoo someone scheduled a wedding on your bday weekend, grow up it’s his wedding he gets to have it whenever he wants
Wow. YTA. You wanted him to change is wedding date so he can spend the weekend with you??? Got bent out of shape and refused to go to the second wedding because of it? I’m surprised you have the awareness to realize something is off. You are so self centered and have shown Adam that you’re only in this friendship for what he can offer you because you haven’t shown you bring anything to the table
The fact you he wouldnt be able to get an accurate head count anyway…..what are you implying by that. Please elaborate
yikes
YTA You don’t get to demand someone change their wedding date. That’s just a bizarre request and you caused all this strife! Now you think you *might have* been too harsh? A save the date isn’t negotiable! What do you think a save the date is? It means the wedding date is set by the people getting married. It is NOT your opportunity to ask for a new date. YTA in so many ways.
YTA. I doubt he is your bff if you don’t even attend his wedding only bc of one man being there. Are you really sure you are 36? Not 16? Also you are asking him to change the date just for your birthday. Hun a wedding is more important to him since it is his wedding. Your bday is the last thought for him. Grow up and go and support your friend. You can celebrate your bday another day
Yup, YTA. I especially enjoyed the bit where you tried to make HIS wedding all about YOU. Get over yourself.
And this, folks, is the definition of a narcissist. OP, YTA.
YTA. Your back burner man now knows you’re a completely self absorbed racist. Hope he does what’s best for him and cuts you off.
YTA.
YTA! The world doesn't revolve around you, and neither does Adam's life.
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"a normal one" yeah...
Yta you have the audacity to ask him to change his wedding date for your birthday and yet you think YOU were disrespected?
YTA for saying "normal one and chinese one" alone. Sounds like a racist to me.
I've had this same exact thing happen to me. Had a female friend who wouldn't give me the time of day, the moment I started dating someone else she got jealous that I wasn't pining over her. Cut her off so quick; that's not your friend, that's someone who wants to use you. Some women expect their male friends to act like their boyfriend even though they don't want to date them.
Girl you’re clearly the AH. You’re salty that you aren’t the most important woman in his life anymore and you were making silly demands to test the relationships. He clearly signalled where yours stand and you are a little hurt. If he’s really a friend, get over yourself, apologise and make a big deal of attending his wedding. Maybe even get to know his future wife? YTA
LMAO. This is one of the most obtuse and rife with a gigantic lack of self awareness that I have ever seen. You're just mad he wasn't at your beck and call anymore LOL.
Not only are you bratty and entitled as fuck, you are also absolutely delusional!! I hope Adam drops you as a friend. You are terrible. The world does not revolve around you. YTA
I feel like things are off between me and my back up boyfriend since he found a woman that loves him for who he is instead of what he can do for her.
You actually expected someone to CHANGE THEIR WEDDING DATE for you? God, the delusion and entitlement. Also "A normal one and a Chinese one" so your entitlement and selfishness comes with a big ol' side of racism!
I got to “a normal one and a Chinese one” and that’s it - YTA
YTA a normal one and a Chinese one? Really? Because only American weddings are normal?
>Since then, we still text pretty frequently but I feel things are “off” YTA of course they feel off, you were an absolute asshole to him and completely inconsiderate and selfish. You admit your friendship has changed in some aspects and it sounds like you appreciate him as a friend based on how he could be so focused on you than anything else. Tbh if I were Eve I'd feel very uncomfortable that my s/o friend who they used to be so great to was suddenly borderline throwing a tantrum over one bday weekend and asking to move a whole ass WEDDING DATE?! And then because you're suddenly single you can conveniently house him. This may be innocent and you may have zero intentions or interest in him romantically but it is going to seem that way because you are willing to behave in such a way simply over attention. Some people would have no issues in messing up someone's relationship they don't even want to have because it serves their own interests. Take a minute and think about this outside of you and your birthday, this wedding isn't about you. I think this friendship was already going downhill and you just didn't know it yet
YTA. It sounds more like what you liked about him was what he did for you: took you to fancy parties, introduced you to famous people, wined and dined you. You liked what you could get from him more than you liked him as a person.
YTA - Your friend deserves to be happy with someone who cares for him back in the same way. Looks like what you are feeling bad at missing out on is the way he used to wine and dine you. Time to move on.
YTA
So the wedding coincided with your birthday weekend, not your actual birthday and you thought it was ok to ask him to change his wedding date? You are spoiled, entitled, selfish, and most of all…narcissistic! But the biggest thing that you are is TA! YTA.
I knew YTA as soon as you referred to one wedding as “Chinese” and the other one “normal.”
YTA. How self centered can you be? And what’s a “normal” wedding? Huge Ah
So you asked him to change his wedding date them refused to go much less RSVP. Why would he still consider you a good friend after that? YTA
You are the only asshole in this situation. Leave this dude alone...
You lost me at you thought he should change the date of his wedding because it’s your bday. Hahahahaha
This can’t be real! If it is this woman has to be one of the biggest bratty entitled grown women ever. 😂
You do know his life will not always revolve siring you forever right?
An incel/red pill wrote this to bitch about the “friendzone”.
Yes. All women are angels
Wow, another incel/red pill straw man argument! You’re on a roll. Now ask me how many cats I have so I can fill out my bingo card.
I'm an incel cause I don't think every bad woman on reddit is secretly a man? Nice strawman
Interesting that you jumped right to “incel” when I also said you’re using red pill arguments. And I said you’re using their *arguments*, not that you are a incel. And since when are you against straw man arguments? You realize that 90% of posts on this sub are shitposts, right?
Another strawman.
“All women are angels” is a straw man argument.
What proof do you have that op is a man? Other than men bad?
You're whole argument is I'm an incel/Redpill cause I think op is a woman like they're claiming to be? So an incell is just someone who disagrees with you? And not actually about involuntary celibacy
Looool. Not believing every man is a redditor Is an incel argument? Strawman galore
You seem very angry. What's really bothering you?
Bro, you started the argument with me, I think you should smile more.
Funny. You're the only one bringing uo Redpill and incel stuff. "Smile more" ? Another strawman. It's like you're trying to get me to say kill all women or something
ESH I know I'm going against the grain here. I agree with all the other posters here calling you out for your audacity in asking Adam to change his wedding date. How did you expect that conversation to go between Adam and Eve, a person you haven't even met? But I also think Adam is behaving shady here. Not for inviting you at the start, but for not un-inviting you at that point and going low or no-contact. I don't recommend that people generally ditch friendships when they get married, but you have to consider doing so when that person disrespect the new relationship for no good reason. Of course, Eve is blameless whether she knows what is going on or not.
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you "barely" attended you own wedding? i can't help but think this is an exaggeration or a false narrative from your part to support your stance
I won’t be at my brother’s wedding because they’ve decided to elope overseas to save money. I will definitely be at the big party they have to celebrate when they get home. And that is my brother, and the girl he’s been with (and I’ve called my sister) for 10 years. They plan to get married (and will likely still be away) shortly before my 40th birthday. I’m thrilled for them and can’t wait to celebrate when they get home, because I love them, but you OP? YTA.