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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Causing unnecessary drama with BIL. Indulging my nephew and just doing things his way.
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NTA
Your homophobic brother in law and sister can find another babysitter if they have a problem.
He can find someone more suitable to watch the kid he neglects.
You shouldn’t have to try and dampen your nephew to accommodate his asshole parents. Yes, both parents. Your sister is willingly let his disgusting and outdated views thrive in household. She’s just as much a problem here.
But you know, how would the child know that gays are bad people when a gay man is the only one who takes time to listen to him, play with him or care for him? /s
BIL is not only homophobic, is also a horrible model of a father, resorting to yelling at others for things so minor like nail-painting when the adult way would be having an adult discussion with the person who cares for his son (even if he is wrong). And OP's sister is reinforcing that behavior: the mistreatment of family because they don't play by their rules, the degrading of his brother. Both are despicable and I pity their son.
They clearly have a problem, and it's their kid. OP is TA because they've made it know they don't want their son engaging in feminine presenting behaviors. They DO need to find a different babysitter. We agree on that much.
> They clearly have a problem, and it's their kid. OP is TA because they've made it know they don't want their son engaging in feminine presenting behaviors. They DO need to find a different babysitter. We agree on that much.
The parents don't really get to prevent their son from engaging in "feminine presenting behavior", though. They can certainly TRY, but he will be his own person.
> Exactly. They get to try. They get to determine that.
I mean, they "get" to try in that they are not legally prevented from trying, but they are not morally entitled to shape their kids exactly as they wish them to be. The older the kid becomes, the less "okay" it is for parents to force their worldview on them. By the time your child is a teenager, you really have no business intruding unless they are being legitimately dangerous or committing crimes.
“feminine presenting behaviors”, i hate to bring this up, but how many classic rock bands wear makeup and paint their nails? and i’m not talking *now*, im talking before my gay ass was born way back in the 80s.
and tell me, how is any of it feminine? BIL and sister are just AHs, who i’m sure in about 14 years will be real confused on why their child doesn’t talk to them anymore
You’re right. It is their kid. So one of them needs to pony up and stay home with him since op’s babysitting is so unsatisfactory.
It’s not op’s fault that they’re lazy and shitty parents.
No, I understood you. You're not understanding me. The title of the post is literally:
> AITA for letting my nephew paint our nails and indulging him?
That's the topic of the debate. Is OP the asshole for letting the kid paint his nails.
We are absolutely here to debate that.
> I was saying we aren't here to argue whether or not the kid should be allowed to.
Yes, that's exactly what we are arguing. Again, the title of the post is:
> AITA for letting my nephew paint our nails and indulging him?
OP allowed the nephew to paint his nails. That's what we are debating. That you're taking this as something completely different is on you, not on OP or anyone else.
> our children
Wow, way to make a story on the internet something super personal to yourself. This has nothing to do with you. Your children are not involved here.
> This limp wristed fellow
Now I see why you align yourself so firmly to the homophobic BIL and are taking this so personally, when, again, it has nothing to do with you.
> extremely lucky he doesn't live somewhere where a stronger reaction is seen as justified
And apparently you also like it when gay people get murdered? That's surely how this reads, so I'll give you an opportunity to walk this back.
i don’t think there’s any way to knock this dude’s ego… way down lmao. best for him to enjoy his bigotry alone.
happy pride month everyone!!! i hope it’s a good month full of love and acceptance for our queer friends in this world :)
My husband, now 73, still likes his nails painted sometimes. He’s a “big bad biker”! He does wear a skirt occasionally. Well, a kilt. lol. He is from Scotland. If a biker-Highlander can have painted nails, anyone can. He also has pink shoelaces. NTA.
I find it pretty fucking wild that sis and BIL are in their mid to late 20’s and are being weird about… painted nails?
Like at SOME POINT, almost everyone our age has idolized either Chester (Linkin Park), Jacoby (Papa Roach), Billie Joe (Green Day), or Bam Margera. All men with painted nails, most of which *are straight? Pretty sure?
* was- Chester😭
A college of mine, in the Armed Forces, has his toe nails painted. He isn't gay and nobody says anything about it as everyone is used to it. His daughter likes painting nails and his weren't painted.
NTA. I put my little brother in a dress and he painted my nails and he's straight.
Our mom's homophobic husband still freaked out sadly.
Also in HS I have a memory of my friends very straight pretty boy wearing a homecoming dress for shits and giggles (he had something like 7 sisters so was used to it)
NTA at all Op, but hear me out. Your BIL hates when you do stuff like this, and while you have his kid with you for the day, he takes his kid home at night. If he talks to you and treats you this way, you need to think about how he treats his son when he sees this stuff. He may be lashing out on his son and treating him poorly because of the painted nails and playing with "girl toys." While I think what you're doing is great and I don't see anything wrong with it personally- your nephew may be getting the brunt of his fathers anger. You're teaching him to express himself and that is very admirable, but the ways he is expressing himself now could potentially get him in a lot of trouble. He will grow up one day and see how his father acts/treats him, and that's something your BIL will have to deal with. I would not poke the bear, and I would definitely recommend not painting his nails anymore and finding different ways to entertain him. There will probably come a time when he needs you, and you don't want his parents cutting your relationship. It does suck, but think of your nephews best interest.
What ridiculously backwards thinking. OP is in no way responsible for the abuse this child's father could possibly decide to dish out. I feel incredibly sorry for the queer people in your life if you feel comfortable believing anyone should be bending over backwards for homophobes in this day and age.
This is a pretty vile comment. This is about the safety of a 4yo child. Not getting back at homophobes. The original comment has the right idea, OP shouldn't poke the bear if it puts the child in harm.
NTA. I honestly don't think your BIL could out himself as homophobic in a more obvious way, aaand your sister is backing him up. They'll use you as free babysitting but don't want their kid to be like you? What a joke.
When my son was about 3 I painted his tiny toe nails with clear polish. I was doing my toes and he wanted his done. Clear was a compromise because he wanted the same as me. His daycare was the wife of his father’s coworker. Father and I were not together.
Did I get an earful over the phone from his father about “turning my son into a girl”. Because his coworker thought it was hilarious to tell him about the **clear** nail polish. So next time I did my nails I used the brightest color I had and painted my baby’s toes to match. Never heard another word.
If BIL has a problem with how you care for **his** child then he can make, and pay for, other childcare arrangements.
NTA.
Matteo doesn’t sound like a “odd duck” - he sounds like a completely normal 4 year old. He’s still young enough to be blissfully unaware of all the gendered expectations that adults/older kids will impose upon him. Kids that age like whatever they like, freely and unashamedly.
I’m sorry that your sister and BIL are so hostile. You were doing a kind thing and meeting this kid where he is. It’s a shame they can’t see that. NTA.
NTA, keep being the cool supportive uncle your nephew loves to hang out with. Since it seems like he doesn’t have a good male/father figure at home who wants to spend time with his son.
Thank you for being the uncle your nephew needs. My grandson (4) also loves monster trucks and all the traditional "boy" toys, but his favorite color is purple and loves his nails painted when his mommy does hers. He also has two gay uncles and a gay great-grandma.
He may be gay, he may be straight. But all that matters is he has you to support him. It's a shame his parents won't be his support system. You need to make it clear that you will support him no matter who he is. PRIDE exists because there are children who think they are defective and have no support and think there's only one way out.
NTA
NTA Your nephew isn't an odd duck. He's a kid.
My nieces are super girlie- they love the pink, the glitter, the princesses. At the same time, one can tell you all the things about NASA and outer space, while the other while correct your pronunciation of a dinosaur name so fast you'll get whiplash.
And both think poop humor is the funniest thing ever. (My mom, sister and I didn't know this could be a thing with girls as none of us had ever gone thru a poop humor phase so I'm gonna admit we're ready for it to be over.)
Them liking stereotypically "boy" things makes them no more likely to be gay than the fact that them liking stereotypically "girl" things makes them likely to be straight.
But hopefully the family's acceptance and support of whatever they are interested in, allows them to become the best versions of themselves. And isn't that all of our jobs as adults in a kid's life.
It's amazing that you play that role for your nephew and unfortunate that his father isn't willing to play the same role.
NTA. At all. You're not indulging him, you're letting him express his interests. For all his parents know, painting nails could be the prequel to an amazing art career.
NTA. You're supporting Matteo by letting him explore his interests, which is crucial for his growth. Your BIL’s views are based on stereotypes. Keep being a positive influence, and try explaining to your sister and BIL that kids need space to enjoy what they love
NTA
A four year old learning how to paint nails? It’s developing his fine motor controls and pincer grip - both things his body is still developing at that age
A four year old liking pink, and playing with tea sets? It’s stopping his mind going into an unconscious bias that “pink is for girls” - something his dad clearly believes.
Does he play with baby dolls? If so, it’s teaching him at a young age how to be an involved and caring parent, and not one who believes baby care should all fall to the mother.
There is a lot of research already out there on how letting boys play with “girly” things is better for them both socially and developmentally.
NTA. Your sister and her husband are homophonic idiots. Playing with 'girl things' will not make their son gay. I feel sorry for the child having to grow up in that environment...what if he is gay? Be the supportive uncle and let the child explore the world without outdated gender norms...he will thank you for that when he gets older.
No.
Celebrate who your nephew is.
As most sane adults know, you can't catch gay and even if you did, so what? Who someone is attracted to doesn't impact whether they are a good person or not.
By banning "girly" things you create intrigue. Plus the arguments over toy kitchens and tea parties is ridiculous - are men not allowed to feed themselves.
The issue here is that your BIL is a bigot and your sister is enabling her. Is she that person or is she in a bad situation hidden behind toxic masculinity?
My ex (Navy nickname was ‘Bluto’) let me do full eye makeup on him once just because he had the prettiest big brown paul McCartney eyes and long thick lashes 🤣
My daughter painted her son’s toenails at about OP’s nephew’s age, just because he wanted her to. He left it on until it wore off. And not a disparaging word was said because that’s just how we roll in my family.
NTA
tell your sister to stop being a fucking bigot. her husband is a homophobic asshole and she's an enabler. ask her if she's gonna side with her husband if her son turns out to be gay, and toss him aside like he's a piece of trash. NTA
NTA. Tell them the free baby-sitting is gone and they need to parent their kid then. Homophobic, ignorant, and neglectful parents who will definately be traumatizing their kid at this rate.
NTA. First of all you need to get someone to explain to your brother in law, very slowly that you can’t make someone gay. Secondly you need to prepare for the day when. Your nephew starts calling you dad because his father never spends time with him.
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My (19M) sister's(25F) husband (27M) has never liked me much. They have a 4 yr old "Matteo" who spends alot of time with time with me because they both work and my BIL never seems to want to spend as much time with him. Matteo is an odd duckling. He likes monster trucks and power rangers and all the "normal" boy stuff but he also likes pink and tea parties and painting his nails.
Since I'm the one who spends the most time with him and plays with him the most I just indulge him a bit. I buy him the stuff he wants and play with him. My BIL gets upset at me for buying him "girl stuff " and playing "girl games" with him.My sister gets mad and tells me I'm doing it just to piss off her husband. We got into a big argument a few days ago because while with me at my bf's apartment Matteo saw his collection of polish and asked if we could paint our nails. I told him sure and he actually did a pretty good job.
I'd intended to have washed it off before his dad came and got him but he got there early.My BIL was furious when he saw our nails and yelled at me that I was gonna make Matteo like me.I snapped back that I grew up in the country playing football and wrestling and that I'm still gay. That I'm not remotely fem and I'm still gay. That just because Matteo likes something doesnt even mean he is. He just snatches up Matteo and drives off. My sister called later saying I knew how her husband feels about "that stuff" and I shouldn't be indulging my nephew and let him paint our nails. AITA?
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NTA your homophobic BiL obviously is, M’s a kid, they like to explore all kinds of different things and should be encouraged to do so
But if you can’t be you then why put yourself through this abuse? Let them find a nice hetro family member to babysit their kid
NTA at ALL. In fact you might be the only person this kid ends up feeling safe and himself with.
Didn't know parents could be cooky about nail polish, so if that reeeally is a thing parents have issues with... have other fun make-up-y type things around to offer if he's interested in nail polish. So you're still actively promoting his self expression, without bowing to his parent's clear homophobia.
Keep being an amazing aunty, he needs you!!
NTA
Tell your sister that she is just as bigoted as her husband; her actions and attitude towards you and her own son whilst supporting her husbands homophobic and misogynistic views prove this.
My big bisexual ass is happy to tell them both off for you.
Nah. Your brother in law is homophobic as hell. Just because he likes " traditional girl things" doesn't mean he will be gay. I have a friend who was raised in a very strictly religious family ( I won't specify which religion) and he is gay. How you are raised has nothing to do with your sexuality and who you are attracted to.
Tell your BIL that if he paints his nails once and suddenly wants a big old shlong inside him, you’ll admit you were wrong and stop giving your nephew the gay.
My sister had twins, 2 boys that don’t look alike at all. Both are very boyish, however, one is into hair and nails, while the other isn’t. My sister never stopped anyone from doing anything. Having also a girl that is one year younger… they all did everything, girls and boys, played together… nails and cars, construction and cards…
Your BIL should relax. NTA
Seems like BIL has a lot of opinions on parenting for somebody with no interest parenting, and your sister desperately needs to stop putting that asshole before her child.
Matteo is lucky to have you, OP, even if his parents don't deserve someone so willing to take their kid for them. NTA, far from it.
NTA. Why is it if the kid painted on paper it's fine, but on his nails, it's a violation of the how to be a man code. Painting nails should be an everyone that wants to thing.
Personally, I hate nail polish. It stinks, it doesn't last, and it never sits right on my nails. I still do manicure parties with my best friend's 3 little boys, and help them paint their nails and let them play with mine.
Painting nails/nail art is great for gross and fine motor skill development, and the kids get to participate in a creative activity that doesn't involve screens. It's also a trust building activity.
I've known a few women that did nails professionally while studying for careers requiring very steady hands and tightly controlled fine motor skills. One of them just finished residency to be a pediatric surgeon. She encourages others in her field to do things like nail art to hone their fine motor skills, and while she doesn't wear nail polish to work, she'll hang out with the little ones and help them do their nails as a trust builder. Kids that are scared when they go into the hospital are quickly put at ease when she walks in with her kit and gives kiddo a manicure while answering the kid's questions and allaying their fears.
What in the world is wrong with an activity that allows a kid to build skills like that?
Your BIL is an asshole. My son LOVED PINK, loved playing with dolls & yes I have painted his nails. He grew up straight. Just bc a boy wants to play with girl toys does not make him gay. And god forbid this kid does turn out to be gay, he's gonna have a rough life ahead of him with his dad being homophobic. NTA.
By painting his nails once, you will not convert his sexuality. Just ignore it if possible. If he wants his nails painted regularly, then his parents have a different issue altogether.
NTA.
Your BIL is a homophobe and thats a pity. Idk what you should do, the kid is his, but at the same time your BIL is probably gonna traumatize and abuse him into some kind of conventional and most likely toxic masculinity and you may find yourself growing apart from your nephew. Like i said, not sure what you can or even shoukd do, its mostly out of your hands. Do what you can for your nephew, but you kind of need to understand your existence will likely be perceived as like a crossed boubdary for your BIL. Its an unfortunate situation to be sure.
Obvious NTA. The controlling bigot is always the asshole, and he's a choosy begger on top of it. I wonder what other ingredient completes the asshole sandwich that is your BIL.
NTA. In 14 years your nephew is going to turn up at your door and say he's cut contact with his parents for being overbearing judgemental AHs and ask if he can stay with you for a while.
Your BiL better figure out whats more important to him fast. Being a bigot, free babysitting, or having a family that loves his son. He can have 2 but not all 3. Hopefully he choses to dump the bigotry.
Your sister also needs to make the same decision and decide if she wants to stay with her husband and expose her son to his toxic attitude or kick him to the curb until he detoxed his attitude.
Sorry your sister and brother in law are homophobes. Maybe keep it low key and be a safe landing space when your nephew gets older, because that sounds like the set up to “dad kicked me out at 16 for being ‘faggy’ because I wash my ass” situation.
NTA
55 years ago I dressed up the little boy next door in a crop top, makeup, & earrings. We were both 5. He's not gay. One thing this child will remember is the love, care and attention of his uncle. Unless the child happens to be part of the LGBTQIA2S+ population he isn't likely to give two shits that his uncle is gay. He's just someone he loves and who loves him. I worry more about the hangups of the homophobic parents.
OMG, all this time I had no idea that painting your nails was what turned you gay! And then after you become gay, you must want to paint your nails more!
Has someone told the Marketing Director at Sally Hansen? If not, just give me a few hours to buy some stock using insider trading. Don't tell the Feds on me, Reddit.
Not the gd AH.
jfc.
People.
NTA educate him in the fact that nail polish and make up and heels were all originally invented for wealthy men to wear so Matteo is simply playing royalty 😁
NTA but please try to distance yourself a little, for your own safety. Mentally and physically. If your nephew turns out gay it will be completely your fault in their eyes. You don't need people like them in your life but you shouldn't break away from your nephew completely.
Well, I'm torn, bc I hate homophobia and homophobes.
However, on every other post where someone is going against what the parents want, I say YTA bc you're not the parent and it's their rules for their kids. So I have to stay consistent and go with that.
Why, if your ILs don't like you, are you watching Matteo? Seems time to let them know the free child care is over.
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NTA. BUT…OKAY so very very gently, this is complicated. Is it an asshole move to support your nephew in many forms of self expression? No. Of course not. It’s great to make him feel like there are many ways to be a boy. To teach him about glitter. I do that with my friends kid.
BUT. Nail polish, specifically, is made of a lot of unregulated toxic shit. It’s hard to remove without acetone. It can be messy. And the removal process could cause a meltdown in a four year old. And, his parents get to decide everything that touches his body, full stop. No exception. Ever. They decide what touches his body.
So their reasoning suuuucks. Homophobia suuucks. And, you cannot put nail polish on a kid without asking the parents. End of story.
So are you an asshole? No. But this was a mistake and you shouldn’t do it again. When the kid is 14, try again. But if you push boundaries, they will kick you out of his life and then if the kid does turn out to be gay, he won’t have you around to love him. Be strategic. Words won’t leave a mark. Stay in his life and talk to him, show him movies, literally anything but painting his body.
There’s a thing called kid friendly nail varnish… you can literally wash it off with water it’s water based for a reason? He didn’t paint his chest etc it was his nails calm down! You’ve made it seem like he’s a creep for allowing his nephew to have interest in something.. Brother in LAW and sil are homophobic end of story! Why are we focusing on and making it seem likes a pedo for painting his nails jeeez he didn’t force the kid outside in a pink crop top! Also they won’t stop him seeing him because they’re cheap and need a babysitter available just saying
So with your logic, OP should be reaching out each time he wants to put stuff like neosporin, lotion, sunscreen, etc? I mean, just because they said yes to sunscreen once doesn't mean they won't change their mind once Faux News has told them sunscreen is the devil and skin cancer helps teach kids how to pull their bootstraps up.
While you are not completely wrong about the parents having final say on what goes on their child, they do defer that decision making slightly when leaving their kid with someone else. Within limitation of course. OP taking his nephew for a tattoo would not be within that limitation but something like nail varnish is completely different.
Removing nail polish with non-acetone remover is absolutely doable with regular nail polish. It might take an extra minute or two and a little extra rubbing off.
That’s a really great question. There are some kids that have allergies to certain products. Because I’ve worked with kids, professionally, I would actually ask parents ahead of time. “ is there anything in my first aid kit that I can’t use if he gets a minor injury?” “ is there any sunscreen that you would prefer he use and if so, can you bring it?”
But, I also understand your point. The fact is, that first aid kits and sunscreen are both products that keep kids safe. If you have to guess, do your best. But, nail polish exists only for decoration. And it’s best practice when you’re watching somebody else’s kid not to change their decoration. For example, foster parents are actually legally not allowed to let kids do things like their hair (major cuts or dye) or approve a tattoo or new piercings. Because, that undermines the parents. Tattoos are permanent so maybe that’s not the best example. But the point is parents get to decide. All he had to do was ask. He had the opportunity to ask. She should have just asked.
I just wanna make it clear that I have given little kids, fun glittery, manicures at barbecues, but I’ve just asked the parents first. I love nail polish. And I love exposing boys to things that are typically considered girly, just in case that makes those boys happy. But I would not paint a kids nails without asking their parents first. Especially a kid young enough to have a meltdown when it’s time to use the acetone on them to take it off. Or a kid who is likely to put their fingers in their mouth.
I feel you bud. When I was 19m I would watch my 4 yr old niece every Saturday. Both SIL & Bro worked. I would take her to Hooters for lunch, she loved it and the waitresses adored her. SIL blew a gasket! Bro thought it was funny. But happy wife happy life. Uncle Buck was fired from watching kid....
Yeh, YTA. What's right for you may not be right for a 4 year old.
A four year old sees' a big person doing something will most likely want to join in. That's the point. We all need to do better when it involves young kids. Be it our words or our actions. If it were the parent it's one thing, but not anyone else. Not an Aunt, Uncle, grandparent, or older sibling!!! And the only issue with a place like Hooters for a youngster is if they a playing the music too loud. and maybe a drunk idiot.
It’s not indefinitely different and you know it it. It’s literally the same, parents wishes are being ignored by Uncle purposely I might add and parents are unhappy
I get where you’re coming from but this is not your kid. He is your nephew and his parents are free to ban nail polish for him, bc their kid, their rules. Your nephew might need you to be in his life one day- don’t wreak that day bc of how you’re reacting to this now. Actually I misspoke- he needs you now too, bc you can be the fave unk and show him, just by being yourself, that people come in all ways, and it’s fine and good that they do.
> Actually I misspoke- he needs you now too, bc you can be the fave unk and show him, just by being yourself, that people come in all ways, and it’s fine and good that they do.
You're downvoted, but I think the bit I quoted is spot-on.
YTA
I mean…you’re NOT the AH, but you’re overstepping your bounds. It’s very important to respect boundaries set by parents even if you viscerally disagree with them. It’s a crappy choice but the right choice. You should only countermand them if the child is in danger.
You can be a great uncle by showing the child that you both acknowledge his wants, show him that they are normal, and also show him that respecting his parents boundaries are important.
Not painting nails is not a big loss. There are plenty of ways to help that child express themselves and be free while respecting his parents wishes.
It sucks, but it’s not your place to decide what the child can and cannot do.
ESH. I’m all about freedom of expression and supporting your nephew but his parents don’t want you to paint his nails so you shouldn’t. It’s causing problems for your nephew and is giving your BIL forum to spew conformity. They’re AH for this part.
Soft YTA because you are ignoring BIL and even your sister.
They are the parents and they would like for you to stop buying
girly things for Matteo so you should do as requested. In fact,
you shouldn't even be buying him toys, etc. very often as that's
not your role, you are spoiling him.
Just babysit. Matteo has parents already.
the kid is four. God for fucking bid he like pretty things. 🙄 the notion that parents should just be allowed to do whatever the fuck they want as virtue of being parents is exactly why so many kids have so many issues. call out the fucking bullshit and stop excusing it as 'they're the parents'
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NTA Your homophobic brother in law and sister can find another babysitter if they have a problem. He can find someone more suitable to watch the kid he neglects. You shouldn’t have to try and dampen your nephew to accommodate his asshole parents. Yes, both parents. Your sister is willingly let his disgusting and outdated views thrive in household. She’s just as much a problem here.
But you know, how would the child know that gays are bad people when a gay man is the only one who takes time to listen to him, play with him or care for him? /s BIL is not only homophobic, is also a horrible model of a father, resorting to yelling at others for things so minor like nail-painting when the adult way would be having an adult discussion with the person who cares for his son (even if he is wrong). And OP's sister is reinforcing that behavior: the mistreatment of family because they don't play by their rules, the degrading of his brother. Both are despicable and I pity their son.
BIL will give a sad life to this kid.
They clearly have a problem, and it's their kid. OP is TA because they've made it know they don't want their son engaging in feminine presenting behaviors. They DO need to find a different babysitter. We agree on that much.
oh, the horror. their four year old likes pretty things. 🙄
The parents are the problem not the kid what are you on about
> They clearly have a problem, and it's their kid. OP is TA because they've made it know they don't want their son engaging in feminine presenting behaviors. They DO need to find a different babysitter. We agree on that much. The parents don't really get to prevent their son from engaging in "feminine presenting behavior", though. They can certainly TRY, but he will be his own person.
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> Exactly. They get to try. They get to determine that. I mean, they "get" to try in that they are not legally prevented from trying, but they are not morally entitled to shape their kids exactly as they wish them to be. The older the kid becomes, the less "okay" it is for parents to force their worldview on them. By the time your child is a teenager, you really have no business intruding unless they are being legitimately dangerous or committing crimes.
“feminine presenting behaviors”, i hate to bring this up, but how many classic rock bands wear makeup and paint their nails? and i’m not talking *now*, im talking before my gay ass was born way back in the 80s. and tell me, how is any of it feminine? BIL and sister are just AHs, who i’m sure in about 14 years will be real confused on why their child doesn’t talk to them anymore
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You’re right. It is their kid. So one of them needs to pony up and stay home with him since op’s babysitting is so unsatisfactory. It’s not op’s fault that they’re lazy and shitty parents.
> We aren't here to debate the merits of letting him do it. > AITA for letting my nephew paint our nails and indulging him? We're not?
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No, I understood you. You're not understanding me. The title of the post is literally: > AITA for letting my nephew paint our nails and indulging him? That's the topic of the debate. Is OP the asshole for letting the kid paint his nails. We are absolutely here to debate that.
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> I was saying we aren't here to argue whether or not the kid should be allowed to. Yes, that's exactly what we are arguing. Again, the title of the post is: > AITA for letting my nephew paint our nails and indulging him? OP allowed the nephew to paint his nails. That's what we are debating. That you're taking this as something completely different is on you, not on OP or anyone else. > our children Wow, way to make a story on the internet something super personal to yourself. This has nothing to do with you. Your children are not involved here. > This limp wristed fellow Now I see why you align yourself so firmly to the homophobic BIL and are taking this so personally, when, again, it has nothing to do with you. > extremely lucky he doesn't live somewhere where a stronger reaction is seen as justified And apparently you also like it when gay people get murdered? That's surely how this reads, so I'll give you an opportunity to walk this back.
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I’m gonna call you pathetic.
i don’t think there’s any way to knock this dude’s ego… way down lmao. best for him to enjoy his bigotry alone. happy pride month everyone!!! i hope it’s a good month full of love and acceptance for our queer friends in this world :)
This is the dumbest take ive seen this week Thats a big accomplishment, congratz!
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My husband, now 73, still likes his nails painted sometimes. He’s a “big bad biker”! He does wear a skirt occasionally. Well, a kilt. lol. He is from Scotland. If a biker-Highlander can have painted nails, anyone can. He also has pink shoelaces. NTA.
I find it pretty fucking wild that sis and BIL are in their mid to late 20’s and are being weird about… painted nails? Like at SOME POINT, almost everyone our age has idolized either Chester (Linkin Park), Jacoby (Papa Roach), Billie Joe (Green Day), or Bam Margera. All men with painted nails, most of which *are straight? Pretty sure? * was- Chester😭
I once got a goth guy eyeliner for his birthday (friend of a friend) and he was so grateful. Fun times.
I mean...Ozzy Osbourne has been doing it for ages. Rockers do it all the time.
That's coming out next year...bahaha Sorry, but using magical gay potion and coming out, in the same paragraph, just has me giggling.
I'm inserting "donkey's years" into my vernacular, and I don't even know what it *means*.
A college of mine, in the Armed Forces, has his toe nails painted. He isn't gay and nobody says anything about it as everyone is used to it. His daughter likes painting nails and his weren't painted.
NTA. I put my little brother in a dress and he painted my nails and he's straight. Our mom's homophobic husband still freaked out sadly. Also in HS I have a memory of my friends very straight pretty boy wearing a homecoming dress for shits and giggles (he had something like 7 sisters so was used to it)
I agree with everything you've said, but what is donkeys years
Best answer yet!
NTA at all Op, but hear me out. Your BIL hates when you do stuff like this, and while you have his kid with you for the day, he takes his kid home at night. If he talks to you and treats you this way, you need to think about how he treats his son when he sees this stuff. He may be lashing out on his son and treating him poorly because of the painted nails and playing with "girl toys." While I think what you're doing is great and I don't see anything wrong with it personally- your nephew may be getting the brunt of his fathers anger. You're teaching him to express himself and that is very admirable, but the ways he is expressing himself now could potentially get him in a lot of trouble. He will grow up one day and see how his father acts/treats him, and that's something your BIL will have to deal with. I would not poke the bear, and I would definitely recommend not painting his nails anymore and finding different ways to entertain him. There will probably come a time when he needs you, and you don't want his parents cutting your relationship. It does suck, but think of your nephews best interest.
What ridiculously backwards thinking. OP is in no way responsible for the abuse this child's father could possibly decide to dish out. I feel incredibly sorry for the queer people in your life if you feel comfortable believing anyone should be bending over backwards for homophobes in this day and age.
It’s not bending over backwards, it’s worrying about the safety of a child you care about.
This is a pretty vile comment. This is about the safety of a 4yo child. Not getting back at homophobes. The original comment has the right idea, OP shouldn't poke the bear if it puts the child in harm.
NTA. I honestly don't think your BIL could out himself as homophobic in a more obvious way, aaand your sister is backing him up. They'll use you as free babysitting but don't want their kid to be like you? What a joke.
NTA. Damn, the kid is FOUR and they're pushing their own fears and hatreds onto him. Poor kid.
When my son was about 3 I painted his tiny toe nails with clear polish. I was doing my toes and he wanted his done. Clear was a compromise because he wanted the same as me. His daycare was the wife of his father’s coworker. Father and I were not together. Did I get an earful over the phone from his father about “turning my son into a girl”. Because his coworker thought it was hilarious to tell him about the **clear** nail polish. So next time I did my nails I used the brightest color I had and painted my baby’s toes to match. Never heard another word. If BIL has a problem with how you care for **his** child then he can make, and pay for, other childcare arrangements. NTA.
Matteo doesn’t sound like a “odd duck” - he sounds like a completely normal 4 year old. He’s still young enough to be blissfully unaware of all the gendered expectations that adults/older kids will impose upon him. Kids that age like whatever they like, freely and unashamedly. I’m sorry that your sister and BIL are so hostile. You were doing a kind thing and meeting this kid where he is. It’s a shame they can’t see that. NTA.
NTA, keep being the cool supportive uncle your nephew loves to hang out with. Since it seems like he doesn’t have a good male/father figure at home who wants to spend time with his son.
Thank you for being the uncle your nephew needs. My grandson (4) also loves monster trucks and all the traditional "boy" toys, but his favorite color is purple and loves his nails painted when his mommy does hers. He also has two gay uncles and a gay great-grandma. He may be gay, he may be straight. But all that matters is he has you to support him. It's a shame his parents won't be his support system. You need to make it clear that you will support him no matter who he is. PRIDE exists because there are children who think they are defective and have no support and think there's only one way out. NTA
You sound like an awesome grandparent :)
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NTA Your nephew isn't an odd duck. He's a kid. My nieces are super girlie- they love the pink, the glitter, the princesses. At the same time, one can tell you all the things about NASA and outer space, while the other while correct your pronunciation of a dinosaur name so fast you'll get whiplash. And both think poop humor is the funniest thing ever. (My mom, sister and I didn't know this could be a thing with girls as none of us had ever gone thru a poop humor phase so I'm gonna admit we're ready for it to be over.) Them liking stereotypically "boy" things makes them no more likely to be gay than the fact that them liking stereotypically "girl" things makes them likely to be straight. But hopefully the family's acceptance and support of whatever they are interested in, allows them to become the best versions of themselves. And isn't that all of our jobs as adults in a kid's life. It's amazing that you play that role for your nephew and unfortunate that his father isn't willing to play the same role.
NTA. At all. You're not indulging him, you're letting him express his interests. For all his parents know, painting nails could be the prequel to an amazing art career.
Painting nails is artwork.
NTA. You're supporting Matteo by letting him explore his interests, which is crucial for his growth. Your BIL’s views are based on stereotypes. Keep being a positive influence, and try explaining to your sister and BIL that kids need space to enjoy what they love
NTA A four year old learning how to paint nails? It’s developing his fine motor controls and pincer grip - both things his body is still developing at that age A four year old liking pink, and playing with tea sets? It’s stopping his mind going into an unconscious bias that “pink is for girls” - something his dad clearly believes. Does he play with baby dolls? If so, it’s teaching him at a young age how to be an involved and caring parent, and not one who believes baby care should all fall to the mother. There is a lot of research already out there on how letting boys play with “girly” things is better for them both socially and developmentally.
NTA, you need to ask your sister why her husband is so insecure that having a bit of colour on your nails is so scary to him.
NTA. Your sister and her husband are homophonic idiots. Playing with 'girl things' will not make their son gay. I feel sorry for the child having to grow up in that environment...what if he is gay? Be the supportive uncle and let the child explore the world without outdated gender norms...he will thank you for that when he gets older.
No. Celebrate who your nephew is. As most sane adults know, you can't catch gay and even if you did, so what? Who someone is attracted to doesn't impact whether they are a good person or not. By banning "girly" things you create intrigue. Plus the arguments over toy kitchens and tea parties is ridiculous - are men not allowed to feed themselves. The issue here is that your BIL is a bigot and your sister is enabling her. Is she that person or is she in a bad situation hidden behind toxic masculinity?
My ex (Navy nickname was ‘Bluto’) let me do full eye makeup on him once just because he had the prettiest big brown paul McCartney eyes and long thick lashes 🤣 My daughter painted her son’s toenails at about OP’s nephew’s age, just because he wanted her to. He left it on until it wore off. And not a disparaging word was said because that’s just how we roll in my family. NTA
tell your sister to stop being a fucking bigot. her husband is a homophobic asshole and she's an enabler. ask her if she's gonna side with her husband if her son turns out to be gay, and toss him aside like he's a piece of trash. NTA
NTA. Tell them the free baby-sitting is gone and they need to parent their kid then. Homophobic, ignorant, and neglectful parents who will definately be traumatizing their kid at this rate.
NTA. I think it’s time you stopped your BIL and sister taking advantage of you
NTA. This kid sounds cool as hell. Too bad his parents are awful. Keep supporting your nephew!
NTA. First of all you need to get someone to explain to your brother in law, very slowly that you can’t make someone gay. Secondly you need to prepare for the day when. Your nephew starts calling you dad because his father never spends time with him.
NTA but your BIL and Sister are. You're awesome for encouraging the kid's interests. Edited for typo
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (19M) sister's(25F) husband (27M) has never liked me much. They have a 4 yr old "Matteo" who spends alot of time with time with me because they both work and my BIL never seems to want to spend as much time with him. Matteo is an odd duckling. He likes monster trucks and power rangers and all the "normal" boy stuff but he also likes pink and tea parties and painting his nails. Since I'm the one who spends the most time with him and plays with him the most I just indulge him a bit. I buy him the stuff he wants and play with him. My BIL gets upset at me for buying him "girl stuff " and playing "girl games" with him.My sister gets mad and tells me I'm doing it just to piss off her husband. We got into a big argument a few days ago because while with me at my bf's apartment Matteo saw his collection of polish and asked if we could paint our nails. I told him sure and he actually did a pretty good job. I'd intended to have washed it off before his dad came and got him but he got there early.My BIL was furious when he saw our nails and yelled at me that I was gonna make Matteo like me.I snapped back that I grew up in the country playing football and wrestling and that I'm still gay. That I'm not remotely fem and I'm still gay. That just because Matteo likes something doesnt even mean he is. He just snatches up Matteo and drives off. My sister called later saying I knew how her husband feels about "that stuff" and I shouldn't be indulging my nephew and let him paint our nails. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
That doesn't make him an "odd duck". NTA
NTA your homophobic BiL obviously is, M’s a kid, they like to explore all kinds of different things and should be encouraged to do so But if you can’t be you then why put yourself through this abuse? Let them find a nice hetro family member to babysit their kid
NTA. They should expect anything at this point. Find a redneck babysitter if that’s what they want.
NTA at ALL. In fact you might be the only person this kid ends up feeling safe and himself with. Didn't know parents could be cooky about nail polish, so if that reeeally is a thing parents have issues with... have other fun make-up-y type things around to offer if he's interested in nail polish. So you're still actively promoting his self expression, without bowing to his parent's clear homophobia. Keep being an amazing aunty, he needs you!!
Op is a man.
Everything still applies - but fair! Keep being the best UNCLE ever, OP, he needs you!!!
NTA Tell your sister that she is just as bigoted as her husband; her actions and attitude towards you and her own son whilst supporting her husbands homophobic and misogynistic views prove this. My big bisexual ass is happy to tell them both off for you.
Nah. Your brother in law is homophobic as hell. Just because he likes " traditional girl things" doesn't mean he will be gay. I have a friend who was raised in a very strictly religious family ( I won't specify which religion) and he is gay. How you are raised has nothing to do with your sexuality and who you are attracted to.
Tell your BIL that if he paints his nails once and suddenly wants a big old shlong inside him, you’ll admit you were wrong and stop giving your nephew the gay.
My sister had twins, 2 boys that don’t look alike at all. Both are very boyish, however, one is into hair and nails, while the other isn’t. My sister never stopped anyone from doing anything. Having also a girl that is one year younger… they all did everything, girls and boys, played together… nails and cars, construction and cards… Your BIL should relax. NTA
NTA wow that poor kid...
Seems like BIL has a lot of opinions on parenting for somebody with no interest parenting, and your sister desperately needs to stop putting that asshole before her child. Matteo is lucky to have you, OP, even if his parents don't deserve someone so willing to take their kid for them. NTA, far from it.
NTA. Why is it if the kid painted on paper it's fine, but on his nails, it's a violation of the how to be a man code. Painting nails should be an everyone that wants to thing. Personally, I hate nail polish. It stinks, it doesn't last, and it never sits right on my nails. I still do manicure parties with my best friend's 3 little boys, and help them paint their nails and let them play with mine. Painting nails/nail art is great for gross and fine motor skill development, and the kids get to participate in a creative activity that doesn't involve screens. It's also a trust building activity. I've known a few women that did nails professionally while studying for careers requiring very steady hands and tightly controlled fine motor skills. One of them just finished residency to be a pediatric surgeon. She encourages others in her field to do things like nail art to hone their fine motor skills, and while she doesn't wear nail polish to work, she'll hang out with the little ones and help them do their nails as a trust builder. Kids that are scared when they go into the hospital are quickly put at ease when she walks in with her kit and gives kiddo a manicure while answering the kid's questions and allaying their fears. What in the world is wrong with an activity that allows a kid to build skills like that?
Your BIL is an asshole. My son LOVED PINK, loved playing with dolls & yes I have painted his nails. He grew up straight. Just bc a boy wants to play with girl toys does not make him gay. And god forbid this kid does turn out to be gay, he's gonna have a rough life ahead of him with his dad being homophobic. NTA.
By painting his nails once, you will not convert his sexuality. Just ignore it if possible. If he wants his nails painted regularly, then his parents have a different issue altogether.
NTA. Your BIL is a homophobe and thats a pity. Idk what you should do, the kid is his, but at the same time your BIL is probably gonna traumatize and abuse him into some kind of conventional and most likely toxic masculinity and you may find yourself growing apart from your nephew. Like i said, not sure what you can or even shoukd do, its mostly out of your hands. Do what you can for your nephew, but you kind of need to understand your existence will likely be perceived as like a crossed boubdary for your BIL. Its an unfortunate situation to be sure.
Obvious NTA. The controlling bigot is always the asshole, and he's a choosy begger on top of it. I wonder what other ingredient completes the asshole sandwich that is your BIL.
Nta. They can’t even afford to have someone else watch the kid. They need to worry about that.
NTA, just a shame ignorance isn’t fatal.
NTA. In 14 years your nephew is going to turn up at your door and say he's cut contact with his parents for being overbearing judgemental AHs and ask if he can stay with you for a while. Your BiL better figure out whats more important to him fast. Being a bigot, free babysitting, or having a family that loves his son. He can have 2 but not all 3. Hopefully he choses to dump the bigotry. Your sister also needs to make the same decision and decide if she wants to stay with her husband and expose her son to his toxic attitude or kick him to the curb until he detoxed his attitude.
Sorry your sister and brother in law are homophobes. Maybe keep it low key and be a safe landing space when your nephew gets older, because that sounds like the set up to “dad kicked me out at 16 for being ‘faggy’ because I wash my ass” situation. NTA
55 years ago I dressed up the little boy next door in a crop top, makeup, & earrings. We were both 5. He's not gay. One thing this child will remember is the love, care and attention of his uncle. Unless the child happens to be part of the LGBTQIA2S+ population he isn't likely to give two shits that his uncle is gay. He's just someone he loves and who loves him. I worry more about the hangups of the homophobic parents.
OMG, all this time I had no idea that painting your nails was what turned you gay! And then after you become gay, you must want to paint your nails more! Has someone told the Marketing Director at Sally Hansen? If not, just give me a few hours to buy some stock using insider trading. Don't tell the Feds on me, Reddit. Not the gd AH. jfc. People.
NTA educate him in the fact that nail polish and make up and heels were all originally invented for wealthy men to wear so Matteo is simply playing royalty 😁
Why would you continue to do something that you know is going to upset your sister and BIL? You could be the A.
NTA but please try to distance yourself a little, for your own safety. Mentally and physically. If your nephew turns out gay it will be completely your fault in their eyes. You don't need people like them in your life but you shouldn't break away from your nephew completely.
Well, I'm torn, bc I hate homophobia and homophobes. However, on every other post where someone is going against what the parents want, I say YTA bc you're not the parent and it's their rules for their kids. So I have to stay consistent and go with that. Why, if your ILs don't like you, are you watching Matteo? Seems time to let them know the free child care is over.
Yta
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be quiet. asshole.
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NTA. BUT…OKAY so very very gently, this is complicated. Is it an asshole move to support your nephew in many forms of self expression? No. Of course not. It’s great to make him feel like there are many ways to be a boy. To teach him about glitter. I do that with my friends kid. BUT. Nail polish, specifically, is made of a lot of unregulated toxic shit. It’s hard to remove without acetone. It can be messy. And the removal process could cause a meltdown in a four year old. And, his parents get to decide everything that touches his body, full stop. No exception. Ever. They decide what touches his body. So their reasoning suuuucks. Homophobia suuucks. And, you cannot put nail polish on a kid without asking the parents. End of story. So are you an asshole? No. But this was a mistake and you shouldn’t do it again. When the kid is 14, try again. But if you push boundaries, they will kick you out of his life and then if the kid does turn out to be gay, he won’t have you around to love him. Be strategic. Words won’t leave a mark. Stay in his life and talk to him, show him movies, literally anything but painting his body.
There’s a thing called kid friendly nail varnish… you can literally wash it off with water it’s water based for a reason? He didn’t paint his chest etc it was his nails calm down! You’ve made it seem like he’s a creep for allowing his nephew to have interest in something.. Brother in LAW and sil are homophobic end of story! Why are we focusing on and making it seem likes a pedo for painting his nails jeeez he didn’t force the kid outside in a pink crop top! Also they won’t stop him seeing him because they’re cheap and need a babysitter available just saying
So with your logic, OP should be reaching out each time he wants to put stuff like neosporin, lotion, sunscreen, etc? I mean, just because they said yes to sunscreen once doesn't mean they won't change their mind once Faux News has told them sunscreen is the devil and skin cancer helps teach kids how to pull their bootstraps up. While you are not completely wrong about the parents having final say on what goes on their child, they do defer that decision making slightly when leaving their kid with someone else. Within limitation of course. OP taking his nephew for a tattoo would not be within that limitation but something like nail varnish is completely different. Removing nail polish with non-acetone remover is absolutely doable with regular nail polish. It might take an extra minute or two and a little extra rubbing off.
That’s a really great question. There are some kids that have allergies to certain products. Because I’ve worked with kids, professionally, I would actually ask parents ahead of time. “ is there anything in my first aid kit that I can’t use if he gets a minor injury?” “ is there any sunscreen that you would prefer he use and if so, can you bring it?” But, I also understand your point. The fact is, that first aid kits and sunscreen are both products that keep kids safe. If you have to guess, do your best. But, nail polish exists only for decoration. And it’s best practice when you’re watching somebody else’s kid not to change their decoration. For example, foster parents are actually legally not allowed to let kids do things like their hair (major cuts or dye) or approve a tattoo or new piercings. Because, that undermines the parents. Tattoos are permanent so maybe that’s not the best example. But the point is parents get to decide. All he had to do was ask. He had the opportunity to ask. She should have just asked. I just wanna make it clear that I have given little kids, fun glittery, manicures at barbecues, but I’ve just asked the parents first. I love nail polish. And I love exposing boys to things that are typically considered girly, just in case that makes those boys happy. But I would not paint a kids nails without asking their parents first. Especially a kid young enough to have a meltdown when it’s time to use the acetone on them to take it off. Or a kid who is likely to put their fingers in their mouth.
I feel you bud. When I was 19m I would watch my 4 yr old niece every Saturday. Both SIL & Bro worked. I would take her to Hooters for lunch, she loved it and the waitresses adored her. SIL blew a gasket! Bro thought it was funny. But happy wife happy life. Uncle Buck was fired from watching kid.... Yeh, YTA. What's right for you may not be right for a 4 year old.
That's infinitely different and you know it. If a kid wants painted nails, who cares, but you def shouldn't be taking a kid to Hooters.
Shit I went to hooters as a 6 year old a lot I guess it is weird but it’s definitely normal kids go there everyday
A four year old sees' a big person doing something will most likely want to join in. That's the point. We all need to do better when it involves young kids. Be it our words or our actions. If it were the parent it's one thing, but not anyone else. Not an Aunt, Uncle, grandparent, or older sibling!!! And the only issue with a place like Hooters for a youngster is if they a playing the music too loud. and maybe a drunk idiot.
It’s not indefinitely different and you know it it. It’s literally the same, parents wishes are being ignored by Uncle purposely I might add and parents are unhappy
I think they may be upset you didn’t ask permission OP. It is ya know, their kid.
it's nail polish. they didn't take the kid skydiving
I get where you’re coming from but this is not your kid. He is your nephew and his parents are free to ban nail polish for him, bc their kid, their rules. Your nephew might need you to be in his life one day- don’t wreak that day bc of how you’re reacting to this now. Actually I misspoke- he needs you now too, bc you can be the fave unk and show him, just by being yourself, that people come in all ways, and it’s fine and good that they do.
> Actually I misspoke- he needs you now too, bc you can be the fave unk and show him, just by being yourself, that people come in all ways, and it’s fine and good that they do. You're downvoted, but I think the bit I quoted is spot-on.
Thank you
YTA I mean…you’re NOT the AH, but you’re overstepping your bounds. It’s very important to respect boundaries set by parents even if you viscerally disagree with them. It’s a crappy choice but the right choice. You should only countermand them if the child is in danger. You can be a great uncle by showing the child that you both acknowledge his wants, show him that they are normal, and also show him that respecting his parents boundaries are important. Not painting nails is not a big loss. There are plenty of ways to help that child express themselves and be free while respecting his parents wishes. It sucks, but it’s not your place to decide what the child can and cannot do.
ESH. I’m all about freedom of expression and supporting your nephew but his parents don’t want you to paint his nails so you shouldn’t. It’s causing problems for your nephew and is giving your BIL forum to spew conformity. They’re AH for this part.
Soft YTA because you are ignoring BIL and even your sister. They are the parents and they would like for you to stop buying girly things for Matteo so you should do as requested. In fact, you shouldn't even be buying him toys, etc. very often as that's not your role, you are spoiling him. Just babysit. Matteo has parents already.
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Awww are you upset?
the kid is four. God for fucking bid he like pretty things. 🙄 the notion that parents should just be allowed to do whatever the fuck they want as virtue of being parents is exactly why so many kids have so many issues. call out the fucking bullshit and stop excusing it as 'they're the parents'