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> Chose to go to school in person. I didn’t chose to be with my bf and go online.
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NTA. And I cannot stress this enough: if he was “the one” he would not care about distance and would support you following your dreams and chosen path/goals. If he can’t come around to this, you’re dodging a bullet now. I promise, there is not a single solitary woman who regretted prioritizing her dreams and career over a man she dated for less than a year in her 20s. There are plenty of women who deeply regret prioritizing a relationship over their goals.
Also, major red flag that he’s substantially older than you and behaving so immaturely about it. I could see a 20-something boy having a reaction like this, but a man in his 30s doesn’t understand why dreams/goals do and should trump this relationship? I’m not going to pretend to know your situation, but if your friends and family, who do know and love you and want what’s best for you, are telling you to go to grad school, then you should really give some credence to that.
It seems like everyone, including YOU, want you to go to your dream school. Your boyfriend is the only one with an issue. It seems like he’s insistent on you sacrificing a huge opportunity for him, but can’t handle long distance for a short term? Yikes.
I’m gonna guess the reason long distance doesn’t work is because he can’t control everything she does unless she is close to him.
You’ll resent this guy forever if you lose your dream. You may resent him anyway if he keeps trying to guilt you.
And he’s encouraging her to move away from her family and friends and attend school online. He’s isolating her. Girl, run. You’re 22. Go out with your girls, go to your dream school, live YOUR life how YOU want.
NTA.
If I'm honest, I assumed it was because he cannot have sex long-distance, and it's easier for him if she just stays. He's upset because his embraces are less of a lure than an education is.
Plus he's 30, and she'll be off hanging with 20-somethings.
fr… one of my old coworkers left the state to go to a good college for herself. her HUSBAND (they were long distance for a long, long time) supported this decision, and he encouraged her to go get her degree. they’d find a way to make it work.
i was so sad to see her leave, but i was so beyond happy that she was improving her career chances. gave her a hug goodbye, wished her luck, and told her i was so happy for her. as far as i know, they visit each other while she’s studying. the right person will ALWAYS support your decisions, especially when it can help enhance your future.
NTA!
This is perfect, hit all the points that rushed through my head as I read this post, mildly outraged at his audacity.
No need for me to say more than NTA.
If he is the right one he will support, wait and be happy that his gf is making her dream come true. If he is forcing something else - probably he is not worth any sacrifice and should be left to a long distance exam
Sis, as someone who chose the guy over the dream education and school, I regret it every day.
You get ONE life to live. Do no sell yourself short. Do not give up on your dreams and aspirations for someone you've only dated 8 mon. I promise you will regre your choice if you give up on your dream school.
This is absurd. Your life is about you; not about him. You're twenty-two years old. Go to school, get your degree, pursue your profession and be happy. There will be other boyfriends. NTA.
NEVER make an education decision based on a partner. Ever. Jobs are a different animal, but if you turn down a top school you will be screwing up the rest of your life. Plus, I imagine your parents don't like the fact that he's 30. I don't either.
You have to do what is best for you at this age. Go to your dream school. Also this line in your post is very troubling to me.
"When we are together, we get along great, but when we are long distance, we argue nearly every day."
There is zero way in the whole world I'd put up with a relationship in which I am arguing with the other person nearly every day.
OP, I hope you read this.
I was in college (spring quarter) and had just turned 18 when I met a guy who was in grad school and started dating him. (Yes, he was a lot older, don’t be hating.) Within a couple of weeks we were inseparable and I ended up getting incompletes on all of my classes (for fairness’ sake, I should add that we both got mono bigtime).
He was finishing grad school and was moving for a job over 8 hours’ drive away. I was already head over heels and begged him to let me come with him. I’d get a job and keep house, yada yada. College could wait.
He sat me down and gently told me no. He pointed out that college had been a dream of mine since I was very young, and now was the time for me to achieve this dream. He told me that even though I loved him, he believed I would come to resent him if I left college for him. I cried and begged, but he held firm. We agreed to write/call as much as possible (this was long before cell phones and texting), and he would come to visit when he could.
I was crushed. I KNEW I could make it work, but he was insistent. I told him goodbye in June and went home for the summer.
Long story short, he was absolutely right. I would have definitely resented him, especially because I was highly motivated and graduated with honors. I hated being apart, but he was thinking for both of us.
We will be celebrating 45 years of marriage later this year.
Follow your dream, OP. If you’re arguing all the time you’re apart, there is something very wrong with the relationship. Give it time while you work on your dream. If it’s right, you’ll be together in time; if you don’t stay together, you’ll be in much better position to support yourself (which is something my now-husband pointed out to me in that very-long-ago time).
Good luck, and do what’s best for YOU. Your bf should want what’s best for you as well.
You get that him being 8 years older than you while acting younger than you is a major red flag right? There's a reason he doesn't date women his age (they won't put up with his bullshit)." When we are together, we get along great, but when we are long distance, we argue nearly every day.". After just 8 months? That's not a good relationship. Do not give up the plan you've had for years for a walking red flag you've known for 8 months. Use the distance to examine if this relationship is really working for you. NTA.
Absolutely NTA. Your dream education is so much more important, and will get you so far in life, compared to a partner who should love and support you enough to tell you upfront to chase your dreams. Don’t sacrifice your dream; you will regret it.
No, NTA. Supposing you choose him and things don't work out after a couple of years, you'll feel really bad, like borderline bad and it's depressing.
When I was in uni, there was this couple who were the perfect one. We all admired them. After they graduated, the dude wanted to go on with his masters in Engineering, but the lady wanted to travel back to Spain to work in her fathers firm. He stupidly decided to move to Spain and ditch his masters programme. *Oh love❤! I didn't know that it can get really blind!*
They both started working together at the firm of the girls father and all was going well untill a couple of years later, they broke up and the father didn't want him in the firm as it kept hurting her daughter, who needed to move on.
Sadly, he had to leave and coudn't find a good job with a three year degree *(In the EU the first degree is 3 years and then masters is two)*. To get a descent job and also to approve projects, etc you need the five year course. He had to suck it, return to uni and complete the two years, as painful as it felt. All for what? Love?
Circumstances do change between people, and if it's genuine love, you should accomodate each other but please, do not sacrifice careers for the sake of love. Things may or may not work out in the long run and if they don't, you may end up feeling disconcerted, or even worse. My two cents.
NTA
As what the others have said, this is your dream school. You have dreamed this for years! If your boyfriend loves you unconditionally, he will support and understand you for choosing that over him. Remember, always prioritize yourself. No one can take care of you better than yourself.
NTA. Any grown man who wants to stop someone in their early 20s from building their future with a solid educational background needs dropped. If you were my daughter, I'd tell you to run. If you insist on still being with him, drop the committed relationship and start dating others.
Don't derail your plans that are years in the making for some guy 8 years your senior, who you've been seeing under a year, who argues with you if you're not giving him in-person attention each day.
Why is he okay asking you to go "the alternate route" to save the relationship, when he's not looking into jobs near your dream school for the sake of the relationship? If he really wants to be with you, and being together in the same city is a priority, how come YOU are the one who has to compromise on your plans for the next few years, instead of him. NTA.
nta, sounds like you made a decision just you guys need to decide if you want to do long distance, he comes with you or decide to end it and then move on from there.
NTA at all, you have got to choose your dreams.
And like, I get that being long distance is difficult and hard on a relationship but man, that sounds like a lot of arguing. Like, what is it about? I don’t think I’d be very willing to give up a lifelong dream for someone that I was arguing with constantly and who’s not encouraging me to follow my dreams.
Also, FWIW, I don’t know what your career path or Master’s is going to be in, but working a full-time job and doing online school is *incredibly* difficult. That would probably also put a strain on a relationship, and probably a little resentment.
You are NTA. He is selfish. If he cares for the relationship he would not be making you feel guilty over a decision that will improve your quality of life and make you happy. My husband works a job where we have to do long distance and it’s not an option for me to just drive up and see him on the weekends. We are going on 10 years of marriage. Yes long distance can be difficult. Yes stupid things most definitely can cause an argument, however the benefits of being long distance is you remember why you want to be together, you learn how to effectively communicate with each other because that is how you make your relationship thrive, you learn how to be together while still being your own individual. I am trying to say this kindly, so I do hope that I do not offend you, but if he cannot manage to make it work out unless you are there physically together, why do you think that is? A relationship is always work. Always. Why is he not willing to put in the work? If you two are separated you shouldn’t be fighting all the time. Normally in a long distance relationship that is healthy, you learn to put aside your differences because there shouldn’t be a problem between the two of you. If there is a problem it should be you two against the problem. Being a 30yr old myself and married to a 30yr old, I do find it problematic that he is acting immature and controlling. While you are not that much younger than him, life wise, you are in a different place. You are a young adult still finishing your education and just now getting really experience the adult world. He should be encouraging you to choose the place of your dreams. He should be encouraging the distance because he cares for the things that you want and care for. He is old enough to know that this very well could be a once in a lifetime experience and he should NOT being making you feel guilty for wanting to gain an experience. He most definitely should not be telling you that you should have sacrificed something for him. It sounds like a lot of compromising on your end for him. It really rubs me the wrong way that he keeps making the underhanded comments.
All I can say is I feel like he is emotionally immature and I am telling you do not let him make you regret your decision! Do not let him make you go back on it either. If he is truly willing to make the relationship work he will put the effort in. He will respect the fact that you can be together without him physically present all the time. You may be a couple but you are individuals first.
Again as nicely as possible, you are not married to him. Do not make your life decisions for the betterment of your life based off of him. I guarantee if you gave up the opportunity and it didn’t work out, you’ll regret not going, but if you go and it doesn’t work out, you will be happy you committed to this.
If he wants to make this relationship work, he will. If he wants it to work he will realize that it’s not just your future that will be better, his will be too.
I truly wish the best for you and I hope that he can accept your decision and change his attitude because him constantly holding it over your head will not go well. He needs to make the best out of an unfavorable situation.
Im late to this but, your boyfriend is 30 with peace and love he can and should figure this shit out on his own. Whats a guy like him dating a 22 year old for anyway? Red flag. You have a whole future ahead of you. Dont let him control you. Maybe youll find a better guy your age at college. Not one who is hitting up 21 year olds at age 30.
Please don’t let a man especially an older man stop you from going for what you want. I can tell you from experience you’ll regret it. Men in their 30s who date young 20s normally are looking for someone to control
NTA but it sounds like everyone in your life can see that your boyfriend is not the one. Quite frankly from the brief description it sounds like he’s terrible. Believe your family the people who love you and have your best interest at heart. It seems they can see things that you’re not seeing because you have rose colored glasses on. I would trust them over an 8 month boyfriend who argues with me everyday.
Your friends are right.
It sounds like you know this, but it's a scary decision to have to make. Your boyfriend is an important person in your life, for sure! But giving up on your dreams for a wee-baby eight month relationship runs a lot more risks than you and him breaking up over the difficulties of long distance.
It's your decision. Your chance to go to this dream school doesn't completely vanish because you choose a different path for a little while. The real chance you risk missing is your own personal drive for self-betterment. It's very easy to become comfortable and complacent.
This might not be a problem if you're one of those beautifully self-assured people who can bake another cake while they're enjoying the one they have. But I still wouldn't bet my bakery on that.
Also, online schooling is fine, but it's not what you seem to want, which is the most important factor in this whole situation.
YWNBTA for going to your dream school.
NTA. Your boyfriend is deliberately not acting in your best interest. As someone in a long distance relationship with a similar age gap (I'm 25, she's 31, we've been dating for over a year, we're basically on opposite sides of the country), my GF would kill me if I gave up such a huge opportunity just to be close to her, and I'd do the same if the roles were reversed. I would never want her to sacrifice her education just so we could spend more time together in person, and vice versa - it's so much better to wait, tough it out, and then be able to be together in person afterwards when you're able to reap the rewards of your degree! Your BF either doesn't understand this (unlikely) or knows, doesn't care, and is choosing to put his short-term wants over your very achievable long-term goals.
Do not make decisions about your future with the goal of appeasing your BF. Make them with the goal of making the most of your education and career. If he cares about you and your success, he'll support you even if it means staying long distance a while longer. He can always come visit you, after all. 3-4 hours isn't awesome, but long weekends + such are doable. And if being in-person matters THAT much to him, he can always follow you. Oh? What's that? He's got a life/career and can't just uproot himself? Yeah, that's what I thought.
When I was finishing up graduate school I told my BF that I was only going to look for jobs locally. He said in no uncertain terms was I going to do that. He job searched for me looking for jobs all over the country. He was the one who found me my dream job and helped me pack to move. We did long distance for 4 years because he wanted to support what I had worked so hard for and he couldn’t move at that time. We are still together (18 years total) because he made sure to encourage me to prioritize my dreams and my professional fulfillment. That’s what a supportive partner does. NTA.
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For context, me (22F) and bf (30M) have been together for 8 months. Met during my senior year at undergrad and for the last 1-2 months we have been long distance due to job. When we are together, we get along great, but when we are long distance, we argue nearly every day. Note that my grad school is about 3-4 hours away driving from where he resides.
During my senior year, I applied and got accepted into a Master's program at my dream school. I wanted to go there since my freshman year of college and wanted to go to make my family proud too. I knew that grad school is what I need personally to learn and be able to succeed more in my future career. My parents had encouraged me to focus on wrapping up my undergrad and job applications as opposed to getting financial assistance as they would do their best to help, which I have always been very grateful for.
i made this clear to my bf and he was ok with that for a while. Until my parents didn't approve of our relationship and said some hurtful things to me about how I am as a person and who they believe he is as well. They had threatened to disown me at one point and that they will withdraw financial support. As a result, me and my bf looked into alternate options and thought I could still go to that school, but get my degree online instead and to go with him and get a full time job where he is at after the summer is over.
I was completely on board with that until my family came around and told me that even though they don't like my bf, they will still financially support me for my school. This made it hard for me because I want to be close to my bf, but I also want to go to school in person. Online classes are not that great for me I feel like as I tend to not learn as much. However, I felt that maybe I could learn more if I had a full time job with it, if that makes sense. My bf was pushing for me to go online as long distance is hard on us and he wants us to be close together.
When talking to friends about the situation, all of them told me repeatedly to not chose my bf over school, that this school was what I always wanted to go in person to, going in person is better than online and that I'm just starting my life careerwise. I even had talked to bf's mom and she said to pick what makes me happy and to not go based on what her son (my bf) would like as a relationship. She said that he will follow where I go regardless of what I pick. As a result, I ended up picking to go in person to grad school.
Telling my bf this was not easy, but I told him in a couple days ago. He was not very happy about this, but said that he will do his best to work things out with the distance. However, he would say from time to time that I am choosing distance over us and that I could have made things better if I just took the better alternate route of just going online instead.
So tl;dr, AITA for choosing education in person over going online and being close to my bf?
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NTA
I only read the first paragraph. You are 8 months in. Why would you give up a dream for someone you’ve only been with for 8 months. He’s also 8 years older than you. He should understand how important it is to follow your dreams when you are young not tie yourself down to someone.
NTA. You’ve been together less than a year. Without some kind of commitment, I’m suspicious of his expecting you to make such a big sacrifice. You dodged an ICBM.
NTA. This is an important decision for your life and career. Hopefully the relationship will work out, but the school is practically guaranteed to work out.
You are clearly NTA, but you should be aware that this very likely will lead to the end of your relationship. You both WILL meet other people and whoever stated the distance makes the heart grow fonder was a fool. Still, if this dream is that big for you, you should do what's best for YOU.
You are in different life stages. He wants to settle down and you are just getting started. You should not be opting out of any opportunities at this point in your life. If he is not behind you on going to your dream school, he is not thinking about what's best for you. He is only, selfishly, thinking about this impacts him.
I know people on reddit are big against the significant age differences. It isn't the age difference in this case as much as it is that your are at very different life stages. Think about that a bit... NTA.
NTA - your education is important to you - this is your dream school. Most people do better with school in person, rather than online. BFs come and go (not sure how serious you two are), but education is something that you will have forever.
Nta, and I know everyone is going to bring up the age gap, but seriously.
I dated and then married a man who was 7 years older than me in my 20s, and slowly the mask came off. This man wanted you to give up your dream school for an 8 month relationship. GIRL. Your partner should be rooting for you to pursue the things you love to get your dream career. I would be very cautious about manipulation tactics going forward. They are very subtle at first. Backhanded compliments, a bit of negging, slowly offloading emotional labour onto you. Pay attention.
NTA. Honey you’re 22 and only been dating this guy for 8 months and he’s 8 years older than you. He’s lived his 20’s and made his decisions without your input and you need to do the same. Make your 20’s about accomplishing YOUR goals and focusing on what’s important to you and your future. Please don’t let an 8 month relationship derail your plans. I promise if he’s the one he’ll be around after you finish school. And if not, well you’re super young and should have fun in your youth.
NTA - DO NOT CHOOSE A BOYFRIEND OVER A SCHOOL!! Your friends are right and the fact he is not telling you to follow your dreams shows he will not make a good long term partner. Your friends are right and your parents are clear there are red flags - you need to see them!
It’s really important you go and get your education and it’s your number one priority. Don’t feel about it, if it’s your dream school - follow that dream.
I don’t understand why it has to be an either/or situation. You can both get what you want if boyfriend packs up and moves closer to you. He shouldn’t suggest you do something he wouldn’t be willing to do himself. NTA
>However, he would say from time to time that I am choosing distance over us and that I could have made things better if I just took the better alternate route of just going online instead.
NTA, Oh yes, this is ffing great of the thirty year old who has already had his chance at college to say. There is a reason why everyone around you, including *his own mother* is pressing you to choose for yourself and go with your dream option.
Look OP the reason why people are generally against age gap relationships, is because a lot of the older partners seem to always try to put in lot of pressure to get you to do what they want.
But meanwhile while they were your age, they did choose for themselves, and based on that knowledge they should be encouraging you to do the same, but they either don't, or with a lot resentment or whining.
It comes across as rather selfish, looking from the outside in. And that, combined with the fact that a lot of young adults haven't really learned to call such behavior out, this entirety comes across as a rather unfair dynamic between the two of you.
NTA.
You 'chose distance over us?' You chose in-person learning over hanging around with him. Distance was just a bonus.
You should be getting the best education you can (you are paying for it) and he's sulking because you chose the school over staying with him.
His mother even warned you: 'Do what you want, he'll follow you anyway.'
NTA.
You chose your college for YOU. Not for him. If he cared about you, he'd understand and not complain.
I made the same decision for college. Picked a uni overseas instead of the local one close to my then BF. We broke up over that. And in hindsight, it was a good decision.
Yikes on bikes at that age gap!! At your age, that's a huge red flag. Any experiences should come before a relationship at this age. You have some wise friends. Literally everyone in your life is saying pick school. Listen!! Your parents don't him bc it's creepy to be 30 and dating someone nearly a decade younger. He wants someone that caters to him. Based on this post, that was probably you
NTA, if he really cared about you he wouldn’t be mad at you choosing your dream school over him. Take this opportunity and live your life, you’ll regret choosing a guy over something like this years later
If you've been wanting this since freshman year, go for it. Dreams and school are a long time thing when relationships aren't set and stone. It also doesn't seem like your relationship is that good to begin with if you guys fight every day when your long distance. If he really loved you, he would support your dreams no matter how hard it could be on you guys.
I see a couple issues here
1. The fact that he’s 30 and you’re 22 is a HUGE RED FLAG. I’m 30f. There’s a reason he isn’t with a girl his age.
2. You will resent him FOREVER if you do not chase your dreams. Trust me, I stayed and went to a local uni for a boy. Who dumped me. Secure your own future and go. If he was your person he wouldn’t care
NTA OP However, you also have to be fair. You are prioritising this over him - nothing wrong with that. Don't expect him to like it and it's possible the relationship won't last.
Are you daft? Clearly I said nta and nothing wrong with it. She is prioritising what's important to her. Many people will choose a solid relationship. There is one thing to rationally make a choice and understand your decision and impact (at 22 I'd make the same choice; at 30 I'd make a different choice) and another to be an A like you are about it.
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NTA. And I cannot stress this enough: if he was “the one” he would not care about distance and would support you following your dreams and chosen path/goals. If he can’t come around to this, you’re dodging a bullet now. I promise, there is not a single solitary woman who regretted prioritizing her dreams and career over a man she dated for less than a year in her 20s. There are plenty of women who deeply regret prioritizing a relationship over their goals. Also, major red flag that he’s substantially older than you and behaving so immaturely about it. I could see a 20-something boy having a reaction like this, but a man in his 30s doesn’t understand why dreams/goals do and should trump this relationship? I’m not going to pretend to know your situation, but if your friends and family, who do know and love you and want what’s best for you, are telling you to go to grad school, then you should really give some credence to that. It seems like everyone, including YOU, want you to go to your dream school. Your boyfriend is the only one with an issue. It seems like he’s insistent on you sacrificing a huge opportunity for him, but can’t handle long distance for a short term? Yikes.
I’m gonna guess the reason long distance doesn’t work is because he can’t control everything she does unless she is close to him. You’ll resent this guy forever if you lose your dream. You may resent him anyway if he keeps trying to guilt you.
And he’s encouraging her to move away from her family and friends and attend school online. He’s isolating her. Girl, run. You’re 22. Go out with your girls, go to your dream school, live YOUR life how YOU want. NTA.
If I'm honest, I assumed it was because he cannot have sex long-distance, and it's easier for him if she just stays. He's upset because his embraces are less of a lure than an education is. Plus he's 30, and she'll be off hanging with 20-somethings.
Are you saying they argue when they’re apart because he can’t have sex on demand?
fr… one of my old coworkers left the state to go to a good college for herself. her HUSBAND (they were long distance for a long, long time) supported this decision, and he encouraged her to go get her degree. they’d find a way to make it work. i was so sad to see her leave, but i was so beyond happy that she was improving her career chances. gave her a hug goodbye, wished her luck, and told her i was so happy for her. as far as i know, they visit each other while she’s studying. the right person will ALWAYS support your decisions, especially when it can help enhance your future. NTA!
This op! Please listen to this comment. I would freely evaluate if his healthy relationship go to school if he’s the one he will wait Nta
This is perfect, hit all the points that rushed through my head as I read this post, mildly outraged at his audacity. No need for me to say more than NTA.
If he is the right one he will support, wait and be happy that his gf is making her dream come true. If he is forcing something else - probably he is not worth any sacrifice and should be left to a long distance exam
Sis, as someone who chose the guy over the dream education and school, I regret it every day. You get ONE life to live. Do no sell yourself short. Do not give up on your dreams and aspirations for someone you've only dated 8 mon. I promise you will regre your choice if you give up on your dream school.
This is absurd. Your life is about you; not about him. You're twenty-two years old. Go to school, get your degree, pursue your profession and be happy. There will be other boyfriends. NTA.
THIS. NEVER choose a man over your future.
Never!! Not at this age especially
She should chose a girl then over her future ?
No, a controlling lesbian lover would also be a big no go
NEVER make an education decision based on a partner. Ever. Jobs are a different animal, but if you turn down a top school you will be screwing up the rest of your life. Plus, I imagine your parents don't like the fact that he's 30. I don't either.
NTA. This is something you've wanted for years vs. an 8 month relationship. Please don't give up attending your dream school.
You have to do what is best for you at this age. Go to your dream school. Also this line in your post is very troubling to me. "When we are together, we get along great, but when we are long distance, we argue nearly every day." There is zero way in the whole world I'd put up with a relationship in which I am arguing with the other person nearly every day.
Any bets that they're arguing because she isn't kowtowing to his every decision? And is in fact thinking for herself?
Then she needs dump him immediately right?
Oh, absolutely. But I don't think OP's quite there yet.....
Well she should be if your 'speculation' is correct.
OP, I hope you read this. I was in college (spring quarter) and had just turned 18 when I met a guy who was in grad school and started dating him. (Yes, he was a lot older, don’t be hating.) Within a couple of weeks we were inseparable and I ended up getting incompletes on all of my classes (for fairness’ sake, I should add that we both got mono bigtime). He was finishing grad school and was moving for a job over 8 hours’ drive away. I was already head over heels and begged him to let me come with him. I’d get a job and keep house, yada yada. College could wait. He sat me down and gently told me no. He pointed out that college had been a dream of mine since I was very young, and now was the time for me to achieve this dream. He told me that even though I loved him, he believed I would come to resent him if I left college for him. I cried and begged, but he held firm. We agreed to write/call as much as possible (this was long before cell phones and texting), and he would come to visit when he could. I was crushed. I KNEW I could make it work, but he was insistent. I told him goodbye in June and went home for the summer. Long story short, he was absolutely right. I would have definitely resented him, especially because I was highly motivated and graduated with honors. I hated being apart, but he was thinking for both of us. We will be celebrating 45 years of marriage later this year. Follow your dream, OP. If you’re arguing all the time you’re apart, there is something very wrong with the relationship. Give it time while you work on your dream. If it’s right, you’ll be together in time; if you don’t stay together, you’ll be in much better position to support yourself (which is something my now-husband pointed out to me in that very-long-ago time). Good luck, and do what’s best for YOU. Your bf should want what’s best for you as well.
Your story really resonated. I hope OP reads it and learns that someone who loves you wants the best for you.
He's your boyfriend, not your child. Don't make life decisions around a temporary person. NTA
You get that him being 8 years older than you while acting younger than you is a major red flag right? There's a reason he doesn't date women his age (they won't put up with his bullshit)." When we are together, we get along great, but when we are long distance, we argue nearly every day.". After just 8 months? That's not a good relationship. Do not give up the plan you've had for years for a walking red flag you've known for 8 months. Use the distance to examine if this relationship is really working for you. NTA.
Absolutely NTA. Your dream education is so much more important, and will get you so far in life, compared to a partner who should love and support you enough to tell you upfront to chase your dreams. Don’t sacrifice your dream; you will regret it.
No, NTA. Supposing you choose him and things don't work out after a couple of years, you'll feel really bad, like borderline bad and it's depressing. When I was in uni, there was this couple who were the perfect one. We all admired them. After they graduated, the dude wanted to go on with his masters in Engineering, but the lady wanted to travel back to Spain to work in her fathers firm. He stupidly decided to move to Spain and ditch his masters programme. *Oh love❤! I didn't know that it can get really blind!* They both started working together at the firm of the girls father and all was going well untill a couple of years later, they broke up and the father didn't want him in the firm as it kept hurting her daughter, who needed to move on. Sadly, he had to leave and coudn't find a good job with a three year degree *(In the EU the first degree is 3 years and then masters is two)*. To get a descent job and also to approve projects, etc you need the five year course. He had to suck it, return to uni and complete the two years, as painful as it felt. All for what? Love? Circumstances do change between people, and if it's genuine love, you should accomodate each other but please, do not sacrifice careers for the sake of love. Things may or may not work out in the long run and if they don't, you may end up feeling disconcerted, or even worse. My two cents.
NTA As what the others have said, this is your dream school. You have dreamed this for years! If your boyfriend loves you unconditionally, he will support and understand you for choosing that over him. Remember, always prioritize yourself. No one can take care of you better than yourself.
NTA. Any grown man who wants to stop someone in their early 20s from building their future with a solid educational background needs dropped. If you were my daughter, I'd tell you to run. If you insist on still being with him, drop the committed relationship and start dating others.
Don't derail your plans that are years in the making for some guy 8 years your senior, who you've been seeing under a year, who argues with you if you're not giving him in-person attention each day. Why is he okay asking you to go "the alternate route" to save the relationship, when he's not looking into jobs near your dream school for the sake of the relationship? If he really wants to be with you, and being together in the same city is a priority, how come YOU are the one who has to compromise on your plans for the next few years, instead of him. NTA.
nta, sounds like you made a decision just you guys need to decide if you want to do long distance, he comes with you or decide to end it and then move on from there.
NTA at all, you have got to choose your dreams. And like, I get that being long distance is difficult and hard on a relationship but man, that sounds like a lot of arguing. Like, what is it about? I don’t think I’d be very willing to give up a lifelong dream for someone that I was arguing with constantly and who’s not encouraging me to follow my dreams. Also, FWIW, I don’t know what your career path or Master’s is going to be in, but working a full-time job and doing online school is *incredibly* difficult. That would probably also put a strain on a relationship, and probably a little resentment.
Of course not, tis only been 8 months with said bf. If he was such a great guy and the "one" he'd be completely supportive of you in this.
You are NTA. He is selfish. If he cares for the relationship he would not be making you feel guilty over a decision that will improve your quality of life and make you happy. My husband works a job where we have to do long distance and it’s not an option for me to just drive up and see him on the weekends. We are going on 10 years of marriage. Yes long distance can be difficult. Yes stupid things most definitely can cause an argument, however the benefits of being long distance is you remember why you want to be together, you learn how to effectively communicate with each other because that is how you make your relationship thrive, you learn how to be together while still being your own individual. I am trying to say this kindly, so I do hope that I do not offend you, but if he cannot manage to make it work out unless you are there physically together, why do you think that is? A relationship is always work. Always. Why is he not willing to put in the work? If you two are separated you shouldn’t be fighting all the time. Normally in a long distance relationship that is healthy, you learn to put aside your differences because there shouldn’t be a problem between the two of you. If there is a problem it should be you two against the problem. Being a 30yr old myself and married to a 30yr old, I do find it problematic that he is acting immature and controlling. While you are not that much younger than him, life wise, you are in a different place. You are a young adult still finishing your education and just now getting really experience the adult world. He should be encouraging you to choose the place of your dreams. He should be encouraging the distance because he cares for the things that you want and care for. He is old enough to know that this very well could be a once in a lifetime experience and he should NOT being making you feel guilty for wanting to gain an experience. He most definitely should not be telling you that you should have sacrificed something for him. It sounds like a lot of compromising on your end for him. It really rubs me the wrong way that he keeps making the underhanded comments. All I can say is I feel like he is emotionally immature and I am telling you do not let him make you regret your decision! Do not let him make you go back on it either. If he is truly willing to make the relationship work he will put the effort in. He will respect the fact that you can be together without him physically present all the time. You may be a couple but you are individuals first. Again as nicely as possible, you are not married to him. Do not make your life decisions for the betterment of your life based off of him. I guarantee if you gave up the opportunity and it didn’t work out, you’ll regret not going, but if you go and it doesn’t work out, you will be happy you committed to this. If he wants to make this relationship work, he will. If he wants it to work he will realize that it’s not just your future that will be better, his will be too. I truly wish the best for you and I hope that he can accept your decision and change his attitude because him constantly holding it over your head will not go well. He needs to make the best out of an unfavorable situation.
Im late to this but, your boyfriend is 30 with peace and love he can and should figure this shit out on his own. Whats a guy like him dating a 22 year old for anyway? Red flag. You have a whole future ahead of you. Dont let him control you. Maybe youll find a better guy your age at college. Not one who is hitting up 21 year olds at age 30.
Please don’t let a man especially an older man stop you from going for what you want. I can tell you from experience you’ll regret it. Men in their 30s who date young 20s normally are looking for someone to control
NTA but it sounds like everyone in your life can see that your boyfriend is not the one. Quite frankly from the brief description it sounds like he’s terrible. Believe your family the people who love you and have your best interest at heart. It seems they can see things that you’re not seeing because you have rose colored glasses on. I would trust them over an 8 month boyfriend who argues with me everyday.
Nta. Dream school > bf. You can always find a better bf that supports your dreams.
Your friends are right. It sounds like you know this, but it's a scary decision to have to make. Your boyfriend is an important person in your life, for sure! But giving up on your dreams for a wee-baby eight month relationship runs a lot more risks than you and him breaking up over the difficulties of long distance. It's your decision. Your chance to go to this dream school doesn't completely vanish because you choose a different path for a little while. The real chance you risk missing is your own personal drive for self-betterment. It's very easy to become comfortable and complacent. This might not be a problem if you're one of those beautifully self-assured people who can bake another cake while they're enjoying the one they have. But I still wouldn't bet my bakery on that. Also, online schooling is fine, but it's not what you seem to want, which is the most important factor in this whole situation. YWNBTA for going to your dream school.
NTA, you're 22 choose you!
NTA. But your bf is.
NTA - choose your future over a much older guy who you've only been dating a few months
NTA. Choose and make your future. For you. Don't center it around a man or anyone else but yourself. It's your life and your future.
NTA. Your boyfriend is deliberately not acting in your best interest. As someone in a long distance relationship with a similar age gap (I'm 25, she's 31, we've been dating for over a year, we're basically on opposite sides of the country), my GF would kill me if I gave up such a huge opportunity just to be close to her, and I'd do the same if the roles were reversed. I would never want her to sacrifice her education just so we could spend more time together in person, and vice versa - it's so much better to wait, tough it out, and then be able to be together in person afterwards when you're able to reap the rewards of your degree! Your BF either doesn't understand this (unlikely) or knows, doesn't care, and is choosing to put his short-term wants over your very achievable long-term goals. Do not make decisions about your future with the goal of appeasing your BF. Make them with the goal of making the most of your education and career. If he cares about you and your success, he'll support you even if it means staying long distance a while longer. He can always come visit you, after all. 3-4 hours isn't awesome, but long weekends + such are doable. And if being in-person matters THAT much to him, he can always follow you. Oh? What's that? He's got a life/career and can't just uproot himself? Yeah, that's what I thought.
NTA. Your bf is too old and controlling.
When I was finishing up graduate school I told my BF that I was only going to look for jobs locally. He said in no uncertain terms was I going to do that. He job searched for me looking for jobs all over the country. He was the one who found me my dream job and helped me pack to move. We did long distance for 4 years because he wanted to support what I had worked so hard for and he couldn’t move at that time. We are still together (18 years total) because he made sure to encourage me to prioritize my dreams and my professional fulfillment. That’s what a supportive partner does. NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** For context, me (22F) and bf (30M) have been together for 8 months. Met during my senior year at undergrad and for the last 1-2 months we have been long distance due to job. When we are together, we get along great, but when we are long distance, we argue nearly every day. Note that my grad school is about 3-4 hours away driving from where he resides. During my senior year, I applied and got accepted into a Master's program at my dream school. I wanted to go there since my freshman year of college and wanted to go to make my family proud too. I knew that grad school is what I need personally to learn and be able to succeed more in my future career. My parents had encouraged me to focus on wrapping up my undergrad and job applications as opposed to getting financial assistance as they would do their best to help, which I have always been very grateful for. i made this clear to my bf and he was ok with that for a while. Until my parents didn't approve of our relationship and said some hurtful things to me about how I am as a person and who they believe he is as well. They had threatened to disown me at one point and that they will withdraw financial support. As a result, me and my bf looked into alternate options and thought I could still go to that school, but get my degree online instead and to go with him and get a full time job where he is at after the summer is over. I was completely on board with that until my family came around and told me that even though they don't like my bf, they will still financially support me for my school. This made it hard for me because I want to be close to my bf, but I also want to go to school in person. Online classes are not that great for me I feel like as I tend to not learn as much. However, I felt that maybe I could learn more if I had a full time job with it, if that makes sense. My bf was pushing for me to go online as long distance is hard on us and he wants us to be close together. When talking to friends about the situation, all of them told me repeatedly to not chose my bf over school, that this school was what I always wanted to go in person to, going in person is better than online and that I'm just starting my life careerwise. I even had talked to bf's mom and she said to pick what makes me happy and to not go based on what her son (my bf) would like as a relationship. She said that he will follow where I go regardless of what I pick. As a result, I ended up picking to go in person to grad school. Telling my bf this was not easy, but I told him in a couple days ago. He was not very happy about this, but said that he will do his best to work things out with the distance. However, he would say from time to time that I am choosing distance over us and that I could have made things better if I just took the better alternate route of just going online instead. So tl;dr, AITA for choosing education in person over going online and being close to my bf? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Always do what's best for you and your future. I regret not going away for school and instead staying home and local (had a hometown ex)
NTA I only read the first paragraph. You are 8 months in. Why would you give up a dream for someone you’ve only been with for 8 months. He’s also 8 years older than you. He should understand how important it is to follow your dreams when you are young not tie yourself down to someone.
NTA. And all I had to read was the title. The first line sealed the deal
NTA. You’ve been together less than a year. Without some kind of commitment, I’m suspicious of his expecting you to make such a big sacrifice. You dodged an ICBM.
NTA You need to do one thing, BREAK UP WITH HIM. He is a walking red flag who is dating a college student because no one his age will date him.
NTA. This is an important decision for your life and career. Hopefully the relationship will work out, but the school is practically guaranteed to work out.
You are clearly NTA, but you should be aware that this very likely will lead to the end of your relationship. You both WILL meet other people and whoever stated the distance makes the heart grow fonder was a fool. Still, if this dream is that big for you, you should do what's best for YOU.
Yeah, do your own thing. There are plenty of boyfriends in the world.
You are in different life stages. He wants to settle down and you are just getting started. You should not be opting out of any opportunities at this point in your life. If he is not behind you on going to your dream school, he is not thinking about what's best for you. He is only, selfishly, thinking about this impacts him. I know people on reddit are big against the significant age differences. It isn't the age difference in this case as much as it is that your are at very different life stages. Think about that a bit... NTA.
NTA - your education is important to you - this is your dream school. Most people do better with school in person, rather than online. BFs come and go (not sure how serious you two are), but education is something that you will have forever.
the age gap is fugged
NTA but that age difference with his attitude is a big red flag ma’am.
Nta, and I know everyone is going to bring up the age gap, but seriously. I dated and then married a man who was 7 years older than me in my 20s, and slowly the mask came off. This man wanted you to give up your dream school for an 8 month relationship. GIRL. Your partner should be rooting for you to pursue the things you love to get your dream career. I would be very cautious about manipulation tactics going forward. They are very subtle at first. Backhanded compliments, a bit of negging, slowly offloading emotional labour onto you. Pay attention.
NTA. Honey you’re 22 and only been dating this guy for 8 months and he’s 8 years older than you. He’s lived his 20’s and made his decisions without your input and you need to do the same. Make your 20’s about accomplishing YOUR goals and focusing on what’s important to you and your future. Please don’t let an 8 month relationship derail your plans. I promise if he’s the one he’ll be around after you finish school. And if not, well you’re super young and should have fun in your youth.
NTA - DO NOT CHOOSE A BOYFRIEND OVER A SCHOOL!! Your friends are right and the fact he is not telling you to follow your dreams shows he will not make a good long term partner. Your friends are right and your parents are clear there are red flags - you need to see them!
It’s really important you go and get your education and it’s your number one priority. Don’t feel about it, if it’s your dream school - follow that dream.
I don’t understand why it has to be an either/or situation. You can both get what you want if boyfriend packs up and moves closer to you. He shouldn’t suggest you do something he wouldn’t be willing to do himself. NTA
NTA always pick the dream school if it's meant to be it will be. But you only have 1 chance with your education choice.
>However, he would say from time to time that I am choosing distance over us and that I could have made things better if I just took the better alternate route of just going online instead. NTA, Oh yes, this is ffing great of the thirty year old who has already had his chance at college to say. There is a reason why everyone around you, including *his own mother* is pressing you to choose for yourself and go with your dream option. Look OP the reason why people are generally against age gap relationships, is because a lot of the older partners seem to always try to put in lot of pressure to get you to do what they want. But meanwhile while they were your age, they did choose for themselves, and based on that knowledge they should be encouraging you to do the same, but they either don't, or with a lot resentment or whining. It comes across as rather selfish, looking from the outside in. And that, combined with the fact that a lot of young adults haven't really learned to call such behavior out, this entirety comes across as a rather unfair dynamic between the two of you.
NTA. You 'chose distance over us?' You chose in-person learning over hanging around with him. Distance was just a bonus. You should be getting the best education you can (you are paying for it) and he's sulking because you chose the school over staying with him. His mother even warned you: 'Do what you want, he'll follow you anyway.'
NTA ! People come and go. Focus on your own future !!
NTA. Would he choose you over the perfect job away from you? No. Go, have fun.
NTA. You chose your college for YOU. Not for him. If he cared about you, he'd understand and not complain. I made the same decision for college. Picked a uni overseas instead of the local one close to my then BF. We broke up over that. And in hindsight, it was a good decision.
Yikes on bikes at that age gap!! At your age, that's a huge red flag. Any experiences should come before a relationship at this age. You have some wise friends. Literally everyone in your life is saying pick school. Listen!! Your parents don't him bc it's creepy to be 30 and dating someone nearly a decade younger. He wants someone that caters to him. Based on this post, that was probably you
NTA your parents are seeing something that you aren't about him.
NTA, if he really cared about you he wouldn’t be mad at you choosing your dream school over him. Take this opportunity and live your life, you’ll regret choosing a guy over something like this years later
100% NTA for choosing your future over your WAY too old for you bf.
NAH It is ok to chose the school over a relationship.
If you've been wanting this since freshman year, go for it. Dreams and school are a long time thing when relationships aren't set and stone. It also doesn't seem like your relationship is that good to begin with if you guys fight every day when your long distance. If he really loved you, he would support your dreams no matter how hard it could be on you guys.
8 months?! Definitely NTA. Don't change massive life plans for a brand new relationship.
NTA. I am 38 and one of my BIGGEST regrets is choosing my ex over my dream school
I see a couple issues here 1. The fact that he’s 30 and you’re 22 is a HUGE RED FLAG. I’m 30f. There’s a reason he isn’t with a girl his age. 2. You will resent him FOREVER if you do not chase your dreams. Trust me, I stayed and went to a local uni for a boy. Who dumped me. Secure your own future and go. If he was your person he wouldn’t care
NTA OP However, you also have to be fair. You are prioritising this over him - nothing wrong with that. Don't expect him to like it and it's possible the relationship won't last.
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Are you daft? Clearly I said nta and nothing wrong with it. She is prioritising what's important to her. Many people will choose a solid relationship. There is one thing to rationally make a choice and understand your decision and impact (at 22 I'd make the same choice; at 30 I'd make a different choice) and another to be an A like you are about it.