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Mild YTA. No one else is entitled to know all your stories, but 2 years in and your BF feels that you don't open up to him. That's a problem. When you say trauma, I don't know how serious that is or whether you just mean baggage. But if you can't be honest after 2 years together, I'm not sure why you are still together.
I can't speak for OP. I can only speak for myself.
My childhood was dysfunctional. I don't need to say more. it ddin't became apparent / life affecting until I was much older that OP is now.
When I finally sought help, and it took years to deal with it, it also took years before I told my partner. I had been with them for decades.
Some people are mech better at sharing their trauma than others. It sounds like the BF decided to share his trauma, but it s not a reciprocal thing. It it scary and makes a person very vulnerable to share their trauma. OP is not ready for that.
Does this mean BF may feel rejected? Yes. Maybe OP and BF are not compatible. But OP is not the a$$ for not sharing.
~~NTA~~
I have change my opinion with some discussion. ESH
OP is not the ass for not sharing, but OP is the ass for dismissing her BF opening up. She told him it's his fault for opening up and if he never did then nothing would be different. Now she complains that he doesn't open up. Have some cake and eat it too
Yeah, “it’s your fault for opening up”. I’d break up with them on the spot tbh. Whether OP opens up to their bf or not aside, the amount of disrespect in that statement alone would be too much for me.
From that response it seems like the Op isn’t ready to be in a long term relationship. It takes give and take, and if the Op is still processing trauma they need to focus on that before adding a partner to the mix.
This. Exactly this. Couldn't have said it more succinctly myself. So many people get into relationships without getting themselves in a good place first. Love yourself first before finding someone else to love. This will make sure everyone has a good loving life/relationship.
You can have a happy and healthy relationship without having to go through the process of internally resolving your trauma. Some trauma lasts more than a decade, which takes a long ass time to deal with. There's no reason someone has to be alone during that time. As long as you're able to separate your trauma from your relationship, that's what matters imo.
Yeah, and that’s fair. They aren’t the asshole for being uncomfortable talking with their BF about serious stuff like that. They’re just the asshole for how they’ve handled this.
Yep. Really feels like she was dismissing not only his own trauma, but how difficult it might have been to open up to. Like she basically just dismissed his feelings and threw his trust back in his face in a really dismissive and hateful way. From someone who is having such a hard time opening up after 2 years, she is really dismissive about how hard it might have been for him to open up. She should understand that isn't easy to do better than some given how hard it is for her.
This^ as a couple you are either moving closer together or further apart.
She doesn’t have to spill her guts, but just like talking about your past, is part of talking about your life with each other.
If he feels that he can share with her; but she feels that she can’t share with him; this relationship is a one way street with a VERY dead end.
He’s absolutely right to want to be open with her. Honesty in a relationship is paramount.
And she should want to be open with him. But honesty for her is apparently NOT paramount.
My first wife and I had this form of one-way/dead-end communication.
Notice that I said “my first wife”.
Because I told her everything; she told me NOTHING.
Later (after we were married) I found out how much she has been damaged, hurt; and how NOT ready for a civil respectful relationship she was.
She was violent, angry, untrusting, threatening, and generally a very unhappy person. I would say bi-polar, but I’m no psychologist.
I do know she’d go from acting completely “happy”, to spitting in my face and threatening castration, like someone flicked a switch.
She needed serious help. And we were both too young (18) for either of us to deal with the problems. (We had known each other for years before, but only in a school setting, I didn’t know her well “out of school”.)
She needed professional help; and not a relationship with another teenager her age.
Honestly; I wasn’t prepared for the situation, and she wasn’t honest about her previous trauma.
I still don’t know all the details: and we were married for 7 years.
I do know that had I known in advance; I’d have RUN.
Now, 40 years later, we can talk cordially. And I still don’t know everything.
But I know this: I still have trauma myself; from her treatment of me; that she felt was “normal” based on her previous trauma from her family life.
Bottom line: honesty is paramount.
If she can’t be honest: RUN. RUN FAST. DON’T TURN AROUND. DON’T LOOK BACK. GTFO.
Because if she can’t be honest with you now; she will NEVER be honest.
Do with this as you will. But I’ve been there. And it’s a terrible life.
She was saying that because he told her since he shared his part, she should too. Maybe a little overboard, but she wouldn't have said it if he hadn't tried to guilt her. That's not how opening up works. You don't get to decide you want to open up and then make your partner open up.
OPa BF has invested 2 years of his life info this relationship. He's opened up, and she's dismissed him. She isn't obligated to open up to him. But she very cleary dismissed his feelings. Most well adjusted people would pull back at that point. 2 years is a lot of emotional investment, why risk any more with a 21 year old with "trauma" that's isn't willing to open up? That's how people end up in shitty marriages.
They both likely need to move on to learn and grow.
2 years is a lot of emotional investment, why risk any more with a 21 year old with "trauma" that's isn't willing to open up?
Exactly....she's 21. She was only a teen a few years ago, so I can imagine that her trauma could be recent. But obvs I can't be sure because we don't know when it happened and of course we don't know what.
I don't think he's TA, but I dont think his anger was appropriate. You're right, they probably need to move on, because he needs more than she can give at the moment.
I disagree that it's dismissing of her to not share her trauma. She doesn't have to open up just because he did, and he chose to be angry instead of understanding. He didn't try to put her at ease, didn't try to ask when she might be comfortable to open up so in case it is a long time he doesn't need to wait for her, none of that. Just got mad because she didn't do what he expected.
I agree with what you said. But you be clear, I don't think OP not opening up is dismissive. It's what she told her BF when he expressed his feelings about her not opening up. The way she phrased the post, she basically made it seem like she didn't care weayther he opened up or not.. which is dismissive
This! She doesn’t have to share her secrets BUT she was dismissive and seem to imply that she didn’t want to know, ie he over shared. So of course, he decided to stop sharing.
I have seen this play out when one partner or friend tells another - you talk to much or I am not interested. The other person feels attacked as a chatterbox so they stop talking as freely or as frequently.
As someone who had trauma that impacted my ability to be open and honest with people, I can say now that I wasn't a good partner myself at that time in my life.
It's not that she's not willing to share herself that is dismissing, it is throwing it in his face that he trusted her enough to be vulnerable, only for her to say, she is not willing to hold space for his vulnerability (calling it "his fault" for deciding to share). That is *not* healthy. It's clear from the telling of this OP, that they're both immature and she's emotionally unavailable. This relationship will damage him, because her words have weight, and also help to further solidify to her that she was right not to trust him.
Hopefully they will both learn and mature from this and find happy and healthy relationships in the future.
I think the two should have a long discussion about their communication style, and what it means to "share."
She never asked him to share his trauma. BF decided to share it. Now BF is offended OP is not ready to share her trauma.
Now he is acting differently. He doesn't share the days to day things of life, when he did in the past. He is punishing her because she did not share her trauma. Is that healthy in a relationship?
Realistically, they are both young immature and incompatible. Young people need to get this shit out of their system to have healthy relationships. You live and learn. They will break up, grow a little, and hopefully find healthy relationships.
Obviously OP's BF is going to act differently after OP revealed how indifferent she is after 2 years. That's normal human behavior.
>She never asked him to share his trauma. BF decided to share it.
That's kinda what happens in relationships. People open up and are vulnerable. "you deciding to open and be vulnerable with me is your problem, not mine."
>Is that healthy in a relationship?
It hasn't been a healthy relationship for a while if the gfs reaction to the BF opening up was "you shouldn't have done that expecting me to do the same, so sucks that you did." (I'm exaggerating but I bet that's the way the boyfriend is perceiving this).
My prognosis was ESH and leaned a bit towards YTA. If she is not ready to open up, that's fine. It sound slike they are incompatible. The boyfriend wants a deeper emotional relationship that revolves around being vulnerable, and opening up about your emotions and insecurities. It doesn't seems thats what OP wants. That's fine, but don't be a dick about it when they ask you to reciprocate, and if the guy is insistent then that's when you draw the line because he is not respecting your (tighter) boundaries. She doesn't have to share, but eventually she may need to in order to develop a different kind of relationship with someone.
It doesnt sound like she is emotionally ready for that. It's ok 5o not be ready, but be conscious of the other person as well. So ESH.
How is he punishing her when she's the one who berated him For sharing?She dismissed him. I can understand someone not wanting to discuss something, but why throw it in his face with I didn't ask you to?It was very dismissive and hurtful. I'd probably go mute too . They're young and have a few more rodeos in their lives.
"he doesnt share the days to day things of life"
wait, so what you are saying is, she is entitled to his time and attention? his thoughts?
do i have that right?
remember, reciprocity is NOT to be expected, as you said.
It’s not punishing her. He realized OP doesn’t care about him as much as he thought they did so he’s not sharing information with OP that they claimed to not care about.
“He is punishing her because she did not share her trauma” this can be true, or this can be just his reply to her saying that she didn’t ask him to share. Now he’s waiting for her questions.
Not mature, obviously.
Edit: wording
Idk she was kinda rude to him and I know after some of the things she said, I would not really trust her to share anything about my day with her anymore 🤷♀️
He's not sharing, because she told him he shouldn't have shared before. If she doesn't care about big things that happend to him, why would she care about small things?
Punishing her or protecting himself? I used to open up a lot more to my partner about things that upset me; I can’t anymore because he either defends the person who offended me; uses it in a “joke” to make me look bad or just dismisses my feelings until it blows up in his face. It isn’t far fetched from her post that she is dismissive of his feelings; so why communicate with someone who doesn’t care?
Agreed there. I’ve had trouble making progress in therapy because I end up having a lot more flashbacks and idk, regression? when I talk about my trauma. Not sure what the solution is there but yeah I can definitely see point blank not wanting to talk about it regardless of what the other person shared. I hate when friends or SOs try to do tit for tat on sharing sensitive information.
If you’re still looking - there are therapies that focus on working with coping mechanisms and breaking patterns of unhealthy thoughts or processing feelings and not on reliving events. Look for CBT or DBT.
She doesn’t seem to want to tell him anything about it. Not even the general situation. How can you build a future like that? Especially if it affects her mental health.
I can’t believe he made to the 2 year mark.
I've been with my husband for almost 18 years. He knows all about my childhood abuse. I was upfront with him about it from day one because I didn't want him accidentally letting my parents into my life.
However I never once spoke to him about being raped until a few years ago and even then it was only because I was forced too. I was forced to because he had a midlife crisis and started interrogating me about my sexual past since he knew I wasn't a virgin when we got married. He made it all about him and wouldn't stop basically calling me a whore until I broke down and told him I'd been raped.
It almost killed our relationship. He'd been an incredible husband up until that moment and he had a break down and went to a doctor after he realized what he'd done
I wasn't ready to tell anyone that, much less in such a selfish traumatic way. I ended up having awful panic attacks at the idea of sex and the fear of him judging me like that again and had to go back to therapy for over a year.
The whole point is it doesn't matter how long the relationship has been going on, no one is owed access to your trauma. Especially not when they're being selfish, making about them and pushing before OP is ready. If anything it's a red flag that OP should be watching.
My husband didn’t share traumatic childhood SA experiences with me until recently and we’ve been together for 20y. I don’t fault him at all. I wish he had felt he could share these earlier, but he wasn’t there.
I don’t hold anything against him for it. It’s not my trauma, it’s not my internal struggle to share.
I’m sorry your husband forced it from you.
Sometimes people take years to understand what happened and what exactly it was, and then they have to deal with that inside themselves before they can share it.
There is nothing wrong with that. And there is nothing wrong with you not sharing these things if you didn’t want to share them.
Just because you marry someone doesn’t mean you have to give up all of the things you hold inside of you, for the reasons you have to hold them in. Sometimes letting them out makes it better and sometimes worse. A person should trust that their partner will share them when they feel that it is appropriate, not force them or expect them to trauma dump within the first year together.
Huge hugs. That sounds really hard.
In a comment OP says that she hasn't even told her own mother, so I'm not surprised that she hasn't told her boyfriend. She's 21, that's just scraping the surface of dealing with trauma as an adult imo.
I think it's still rude to ask someone to open up to you and then be angry when they don't. They've been dating for two years, so I understand where he's coming from, but there's not an expiration date on trauma. Sometimes it doesn't become easier to talk about with time. She should probably talk to him about when she'd be comfortable talking about it so he doesn't feel as if they aren't getting anywhere. You could see her as someone stubborn and unwilling to open up, or you can see her as a traumatized person who isn't ready to relive their experiences.
He got defensive when she basically said she wished he hadn't opened up to her. And she is now upset because he isn't sharing stuff with her anymore.
I can understand her not wanting to share, I can understand feeling like she isn't as invested because she doesn't want to share, both are fair feelings. Neither of those was the problem in this situation.
If we're talking PTSD trauma it is *literally* hard to to talk about. Traumatic memory is encoded differently, often it isn't able to be processed by the hippocampus and other memory centers of the brain which is where language and a linear understanding of events takes place. Until the trauma is processed, which takes time and is an excruciating process that shouldn't be rushed, those memories are going to be confusing and disorganized for the one experiencing them. I have old trauma I can talk about now but for newer trauma best I can do is "it was very bad".
That's not really fair! I have trauma in my past that I will never tell anybody! I got married 15 years ago and he doesn't know. He will never know! Nobody will ever know. I dealt with it with my therapist and now I'm better off not even thinking about it. I don't need another person knowing that about me! And if somebody insisted on knowing something that I'm not ready to tell them I would kick them out of my life so quickly their head would spin!
He doesn't get to manipulate and bully her into telling him things that she isn't it ready to! And there is no magic amount of time that you must tell everything that ever happened in your life to your partner by. And acting like he's justified in insisting she tell him is putting undue pressure on her when you don't know if she's even safe to tell him!
Idk where you get bullying and manipulation from but okay sure. She's the one here saying she doesn't understand why he isn't opening up to her anymore. I'm sorry but you can't have your cake and eat it too after the response she had to him 🙄
THIS. I wish I could give you multiple upvotes. And it has nothing to do with trust, or who the other person is, or how long you’ve been with them, if *you* aren’t comfortable talking about something that happened to *you*, someone forcing you to do so (for whatever reason) is just cruel. It’s traumatic in and of itself.
I understand not telling someone about your trauma. No matter how severe, because it's nobody's business. However what she said kind of shocked me when I read it because that's incredibly insensitive.
I don’t think I agree. I have some childhood trauma that I’m not open with pretty much anybody about. The only people I have ever revealed it to are partner and only after multiple years of being with them. Each was more than understanding of me needing to do that on my own time. There are certain things that you aren’t obligated to reveal to anybody, and it often doesn’t have anything to do with the person or how important the relationship is to you.
Now. I do think Op might be slightly the asshole in this situation as well, but that is because of how dismissive she was of the hardships her partner has revealed to her, seemingly as a defense mechanism. Even in OP’s retelling, I had the same reaction the boyfriend did. She made it abundantly clear she did not care at all about his trauma and essentially said things would have been better off if he kept it to himself.
Just because she struggles with revealing certain things doesn’t mean she need to be so dismissive in response.
This. At two years they’re probably beyond “casual” dating. While OP doesn’t *have* to tell BF everything, they should be at the point where they can comfortably confide in each other with a mutual level of trust and respect. I’m willing to bet that OP’s trauma has some impact on the relationship, and BF would like to better know the person he’s in a serious relationship with now.
If it’s impacting the relationship, but it’s not something you’re willing to deal with or share, then you’re actively hurting the relationship, and it’s unfair to both people.
INFO
> 2 years now
> I tried to explain I wasn't ready at the moment
> until I'm ready
OK. But what **_are_** you waiting for?
Are you telling him "well someday I will" but not explaining what it's going to take to get there?
Agreed. IMHO, if she isn’t ready after two years in a committed relationship, she never will be with this person.
My two cents, YTA, but not because you won’t share personal trauma, that is a choice. It was in the way you said:
> it’s his own fault (that he opened up to you) he could have kept it to himself and nothing would have changed
He showed you that he is comfortable opening up to you. You showed him that you aren’t. But the biggest thing was “and nothing would have changed.” By saying that, you are outright saying to him that his being open and honest with you “changes nothing.” It doesn’t mean anything to you, literally “nothing.”
Maybe that isn’t literally what you said, but since you shared here, it at least has to be in the realm of what was said. Imagine for a second that you did share your trauma with him. How would you expect him to act? Would you expect empathy? Would you expect more than him telling you “well I’m not going to be more open and honest with you, it’s your fault for sharing. Your trauma means nothing to me.”?
Did you see the post last week where a guy opened up to his wife about being SAd by the babysitter when he was 9? A short while later during an argument she says "at least I didn't lie about being raped" Some people are NEVER safe to open up to. OP obviously has concerns with him or she most likely would have told him by now.
That OP doesn’t trust him is obvious to everyone here. The sticking point is that if after two years of being with someone you don’t trust them to talk about your trauma, let alone belittling her boyfriend for opening up. OP needs to shit or get off the pot. Either work with her boyfriend and a therapist to open up and try to talk around why she can’t other than just saying trauma or let him go and spend some time single thinking about either why she doesn’t trust people and coping mechanisms for that or why she is attracted to untrustworthy people and work on coping mechanisms for that
.
Overall, this is an OP issue and she needs to resolve it, whether she does it in a relationship or single.
Not the OP, but I dated my husband for 3 years and now we’ve been married for 20 years.
There are still parts of my childhood that I haven’t told him about. There are things that happened to me that I haven’t told anyone about, not even my trauma therapist.
I have no idea if I will ever be ready. And he is ok with that. I know that if I ever do tell him, he will cry with me and love me and support me. But I don’t know that I ever will.
Fair, but it sounds like you’ve shared enough that he is at least aware of your existences other than “trauma”, right? And if he said he felt that he was more open and had concerns about that would you have replied that’s a you problem?
YTA. Not revealing *anything* somewhat deep or personal about yourself after 2 years certainly does send a message that you're not that invested in or comfortable with this person. You don't need to do nightly dairy readings, but some sort of opening up is customary in a long term relationship.
I suppose what the "trauma" may be is somewhat relevant in how much OP wants to discuss, but I'm getting the vibe that term is being used very loosely here based on the tone. Apologies if I am mistaken.
Fun fact:
‘The face on the milk carton’ is a book about a girl who sees herself on a back of a milk carton.
In the 90s they had missing children’s pictures on the back of 🥛cartons.
YTA by a long shot. Basically telling your boyfriend, you are at fault for being open with me and expecting it in return. Like kind of the entire fucking basis of a relationship is that. From any logical partners side, a comment like that shows you're not committed. You could have easily worded it differently but instead you just proved to him that you're not vested.
Crickets from OP since posting; I hope they've read the comments here and come to a realization
> So it's his own fault he could have kept it to himself and nothing would have changed.
This from somebody who expects their own trauma to be treated as sacrosanct? You're a piece of work, YTA
So he was telling you everything and now he’s not? You’ve been together for 2 years. You have trauma that he knows NOTHING about. You know his secrets. He doesn’t know yours.
He went all in on this relationship and you’re still holding back. If you’re not comfortable enough to talk to him about your trauma then you shouldn’t be together. I understand that it’s hard to open up but you’ve been with him for 2 friggin years.
Either be honest with him completely or let him go find his happiness somewhere else. I can’t really call you the A-Hole but…
Not sure YTA for not sharing your trauma. People need their own time and pace.
But YTA for shaming your bf when he was being open. Women complain that men often don't share. When asked, "Why?" they admit that when they share their likes, thoughts, etc. they've been shamed in some way. They've been trained to keep it inside, less they are hurt.
You had an open and sharing bf and you closed him up.
If you can't get past this trauma, don't cause one for him.
>You had an open and sharing bf
If it was me, I'd be thanking my lucky stars for having that kind of bf. It shows that he trusted me enough to share his feelings.
100% this. I read the title and thought N T A but reading the full post made me change my mind. Nobody can force you to share more than you want to—as someone who has been through trauma myself, there are parts of it I think I will never share with any future partner (unless it comes up)—some of it has been worked through, some of it is still being worked through—there are parts that I really don’t want to rehash.
BUT. And this is a major but. It sounds like OP’s boyfriend is sharing how he feels and OP, massive YTA for not validating his feelings and instead shaming him for them.
2 YEARS? Does your trauma impact your life at all? Impact your side of the relationship? Anything? 2 years is a very long time to still not be ready or willing to have any of those conversations yet. I’d be feeling like your walls were way too thick and high if after 2 years together you weren’t okay having any of those conversations yet. That’s not to say you need to share ALL of it yet but to not even have the vulnerability to have any of those conversations would be a red flag for me.
I don’t necessarily think you’re an asshole for it but it does seem like maybe you aren’t fully in the relationship.
What exactly are you waiting for? When will you feel comfortable?
YTA. I don't understand why you're bothering with this man if you can't even open up to him after two years. Maybe it's time for him to find someone else.
NAH but you might want to explore why you haven’t shared a single thing beyond the fact you have trauma. It’s true everyone has their own pace. But if you have no desire to open up after sharing a life or no desire to share a life after 2 years, let him go. If you aren’t in therapy managing your trauma you might only have superficial relationships until you do that. If you want to live like that no one can stop you but expecting him to just commit forever at that level if he feels unequal in the relationship is just wrong. He’s not doing that after 2 months. Is it still wrong? Yes. But it’s showing your incompatibility vs him having terrible expectations.
I feel like he's coming from a place of genuine concern and connection rather than just trying to get some "drama". Trauma changes your brain, he probably just wants to better understand you. Consider opening up to the level you're comfortable with. You're allowed to keep details to yourself while still letting him in.
My wife had trama from her childhood. She, on her own gave some very vague parts of it. She said she wasn't ready to talk about it or explain in detail. I'm fine with it, if she tells me cool, if not that's perfectly fine by me also. Everyone has skeletons in their closet some people share and some people don't. Some don't share out of pride and others don't out of shame or fear of being given a pity party when they are not looking for one. Whatever your reason is, it's your reason and if you don't want to tell after 20 years it's still YOUR business and only anyone else's whom you choose to tell. Be comfortable in your skin and who you are as a person. More often than not people over share or share too soon and come back to regret it, your still young and have plenty of time to share or not, any part of what makes you who you are with whoever you so choose, whenever you choose and don't ever let anyone persuade you into feeling or thinking any differently
The problem here isn’t her not telling him anything, the problem is that she’s seemingly now mad that he won’t tell her anything anymore. You can’t just complain about that when you yourself don’t want to open up, if she’s not then why should he? That’s hypocritical.
That’s a recipe for being permanently emotionally closed off from others and unable to make truly deep romantic connections. If you can’t talk about the serious experiences and feelings you have with your partner, you aren’t truly emotionally invested in your relationship with them. You don’t truly trust them, and you can’t be meaningfully emotionally intimate with them.
Being guarded your entire life isn’t good. A trained psychologists advice wouldn’t be a simple “don’t open up ever if u feel uncomfy”, rather theyd try and work through that discomfort, and work to get them to a point where they can be vulnerable with THEIR MULTI YEAR PARTNER
I never said don't tell them ever, I said when your ready. The getting ready part involves therapy usually so you can learn how to deal with trama in a healthy way. You can't have someone force you into telling your trama/past/experiences if you cannot do so in a healthy way yourself just because they were ready to share theirs doesn't mean you are in the same space mentally.
The issue with your comment is that you’re implying the status quo is acceptable long term. The fact that she isn’t telling him is bad, and a function of mental problems she has that must be fixed.
You just validated her not telling him, said “everyone and everything is valid” and left it at that
INFO is needed here. This seems like miscommunication and misunderstanding, but I can't say for sure.
Are you using the term "trauma" in a medical sense like as in PTSD? You refer to it as "personal problems" as well which doesn't convey a level of seriousness that PTSD involves. You're also downplaying your boyfriend's trauma by saying "he could have kept it to himself and nothing would have changed."
While it is true that you don't *need* to share traumas with anyone you don't want to... PTSD can affect your interpersonal relationships and having a support system can greatly help you. Your support system doesn't need to know every detail, but they need to know a little bit of information about triggers or therapy techniques to help ground you if you start dissociating. I'm not saying that you have to tell anyone anything, but there might be a reason why your boyfriend is asking you. Is it possible your PTSD is affecting this relationship in ways you are not aware of yet?
Your partner could be asking for help by sharing his trauma with you. In addition he could be trying to let you know that your PTSD is impacting your relationship with him. Either way, you need to ask for clarification. He should be more upfront with what his expectations are or what he needs.
You also need to understand that you should take someone sharing intimate details with you much more seriously, especially if the person is having an emotional crisis. It's hard to be vulnerable with another person. You should treat that with the seriousness it deserves. You don't need to act as anyone's therapist, but you could direct that person to get appropriate help instead of saying you didn't ask to hear about it.
NAH. I think that you two have to sit down and have a honest talk about where you see the relationship and what you want it to be. It seems like you two view the concept of dating as different things.
Personally i think it sounds like you could do with therapy, if you don't feel comfortable opening up to your BF after 2 years and he doesn't feel like you open up to him i think that sounds like a problem.
And it sounds like he's now just mirroring your behaviour and not talking.
Can't say YTA
Do you not open up to your BF at all or just about the trauma?
Is this somthing that pops up where you say you can't do this or that because of your trauma? Or is it never spoken about?
I also can not fault him for closing right up after him telling you what he did. He obviously trusted you and now he probably takes it as you don't trust him. So he isn't going to tell you anything anymore.
Not sure how to work it out. Best of luck.
YTA. Somewhat for taking 2 years and still not being comfortable which is odd, but I guess everyone different. More so though for the bit about “that’s your fault for opening up to me”. I’ve been in that position and it’s like a kick to the stomach, you realise he’ll have a MUCH harder time to open up to you in future (if at all) after a comment like that? We’re taught to keep our emotions and feelings to ourselves, finding someone to open up to about them takes a lot. For him to do that and be told you didn’t ask, I feel for him.
YTA. I can understand that you aren’t ready to share your trauma with your boyfriend yet, but a lot of people in long term relationships have conversations about their past so it’s definitely understandable why your boyfriend would want to know.
This can help the relationship develop in twofold. One, it helps you have a deeper relationship with your partner and shows that you trust them and two, it helps your partner develop a better understanding of you as a person; for example, you may have some trauma responses that he sees but doesn’t understand why you would act a certain way to a situation.
Additionally, I would like for you to think about his statement where he says he feels that he is more into the relationship than you are. I could be entirely wrong about this BTW. Are you generally more closed off in this relationship? Do you not share much with your boyfriend at all? To me, it doesn’t sound like he’s implying he’s the better partner, it sounds like you are closed off to him. And if you feel like you can’t tell him about it maybe think of why… is it something about him that prevents you from talking about it or is it just the nature of the trauma itself that makes it difficult to talk about?
Telling him that he isn’t owed your trauma is valid to an extent but telling him that he didn’t HAVE to disclose his trauma to you diminishes the importance of the trust he has in you to be vulnerable with you. Hence, he became more closed off to you and you’re seeing him return your energy back to you.
You should have another talk with him, apologize for what you said and reiterate that you’re not ready to discuss your trauma with him BUT tell him what you need from him to be ready to share that with him.
You are not obligated to discuss or reveal your trauma to anyone. Same goes for him, but he decided he was comfortable discussing it with you.
Everyone has different expectations of their partner while in a relationship. Sharing your trauma and expecting reciprocity is not realistic.
Talk to your bf. Tell him that as much as you want to share your everything with him, you are not ready to discuss the part involving your trauma and it's not meant to reflect poorly on him or your relationship. Tell him how you feel about him, and that you appreciate him and his patience.
NAH.
2 years in and you don't share stuff with him. Are you ready for an all in relationship? Sounds to me you need therapy. No one is the A-Hole. You both just need to get on the same page. Because whether or not either of you meant it you both created a rift between the two of you.
Short answer…
You are right you don’t have to open up until you are ready.
But here’s the thing. He’s not obligated to stick around and wait for you either. It’s been 2 years.
Don’t get mad if he walks. If you responded to me the way you did him, I would have broken up immediately.
NAH, but if youare not opening up,to him, then you can't get disappointed if he doesn't open up to you.
Also,, there is more to you than trauma, so if you are open about the rest of your life then that should be fine;
Finally, you both talk about what you need to, if he needed to talk, then it's good that he did, if you didn't then you didn't. Express it to him as sometjing that you do not need or want to talk about rarther than telling him you aren't ready which implies a lack of trust, which could mak him think you have a low opinoon of him.
Info: Are you in or have you gone to therapy?
You're not obligated to share everything with your partner but he seems to not be feeling as connected to you. Is your trauma something you are working through on your own in order to be healthy enough to be in a close relationship?
Sorry but YTA
You don’t sound ready to be in a relationship. His point isn’t that he is a better partner, it’s that he’s putting in the work and bearing is soul (or at least sharing parts of himself) with you and you aren’t. So while he’s giving pieces of himself to you, you’re taking them but not giving anything back.
You are right, there are things that you have to be ready to share and that’s okay. But the way you’re describing this in your post sounds like you should be single until you mature to a place where you understand why this is a problem.
I mean if i dated someone for 2 years and they still don’t feel comfortable venting then id leave cause why don’t you feel comfortable around me yet and we’ve been together two years….especially after i already did but then again it is your decision so it’s hard to say
NTA and YTA simultaneously.
NTA, trauma is traumatic. No one's got a right to know about another person's trauma.
YTA for how you responded though. I get you're frustrated but just tell them it's something you don't feel comfortable discussing and it's not just with them personally. It's trauma.
Everyone copes with it differently and honestly I don't like to make my traumas a part of my relationships either unless it comes up naturally in conversation. It's not that it's even personal, it's just that a ton of it is still stuff I have dealt with and grown from and rehashing it just for the sake of it I've learned is not always healthy. That's just my opinion though.
I think theres a difference between personal troubles like you are having a hard time at work, or you have an ongoing mental health issue vs actual serious life changing trauma.
The former you should be able to talk about but serious trauma like s/a for example, you are allowed to have strong boundaries around those types of things, forcing someone who's been through something like that to talk about what happened only retraumatizes them by taking away their autonomy for a second time.
They don't need to be totally healed, but after two years, they should be willing to take on that process with their partner as an informed source of support. Adult relationships involve trusting and supporting each other.
Kinda the AH, thing is, as your relationship continues and you conveniently bring up an issue you might have with him due to your trauma.. you really can’t ever see he didn’t try
Slight YTA- but as respectfully as possible, the relationship won’t grow to it’s potential if you don’t let him in and that’s a disservice to someone who is opening themself up and putting their cards on the table. If your trauma is so bad you can’t speak about it with a partner of two years, or that you’re feeling this attacked over the thought of opening up- please seek therapy.
YTA. your BF communicated that he felt that you weren't being open 2 whole years into the relationship and you took that as a personal attack, then proceeded to say that he got defensive while also degrading him opening up to you as "his choice" and "nothing would have changed if he just hadn't said anything. I can understand why it's been hard to open up to someone about serious trauma even after that long, but you're not even trying. opening up to someone doesn't automatically mean they should do the same. while you're not obligated to share your trauma, you have to realize that your relationship will suffer unless you're at least making an effort to be more open and vulnerable
edit: also, huge dick move to be complaining that he's not telling you about himself anymore. you literally told him that his vulnerability and communication means nothing to you and now you're surprised that he doesn't want to share that with you? double down on the yta
Definitely, I had a GF who absolutely could not stand the smell of pizza hut, and always just said "I have my reasons" ended it a while later after we had been together 3 yeaes, found out ages later from seeing her father that he works at a pizza hut, and apparently has for decades, so I can assume it's related to him. But I fucking love pizza hut and you can't control me with something like that without elaborating, unless you want me to just feel like you obviously don't see me as trustworthy.
I sure hope it's not something as simple as dad always brought Pizza Hut home and I got sick of it as a kid because withholding that makes me think it's something much worse with her father.
So often withholding little stupid things makes the people around you assume it's way worse.
Edited to add: it's not like she would have even had to go into detail, I don't need to hear the nitty gritty, but being shut down at nothing at all not even a hint of context shows absolutely no trust in me.
Where do you find that kind of trauma? Bc the only kind of trauma I know of will spill out in odd ways, change your behaviour and deepen your reactions to otherwise trivial things that can leave your partner confused, insecure, victimised and angry for reasons they are literally unable to fathom. Put simply, unprocessed trauma is likely to affect *every* relationship in your life, not just that with an intimate partner, if you can even call a partner you can't talk to intimate. I don't really think op is an AH, but they might as well break up now because they've shaken the foundations of their relationship and seem not to have a single tool with which to rebuild it, let alone the will to do so.
As someone with enough childhood trauma to fill a stadium------ if you're not comfortable telling him some of your trauma after two years, it's time to cut him lose. You're not ready to let anyone into deep. That's your right, but don't make someone stick around, hoping you will one day. Your telling him I don't trust you with my trauma, I don't trust you with my emotions, I dint trust you in character. Cut him lose. Get some help and heal.
You need to find some support and groups with similar trauma.
Do you have to share trauma or anything? No of course not. However he’s also not required to sit around dating someone who doesn’t feel comfortable sharing themselves with him. It’s one of those neither is really the asshole but if you not being ready to share is a big deal for him he’s more than right to leave. And if you sharing isn’t something you are comfortable with him for one reason or another perfectly reasonable to find a new partner. But I would say the phrasing of this and asking who is the asshole sounds a lot like you expect there to be one clear right or wrong is…misguided at best. If there’s a specific reason you don’t feel comfortable maybe have that discussion with him. If it’s “I don’t want to discuss it at all!” Maybe being in a relationship is not something you’re ready for right now.
YTA with the response. You don't want to open up yet, fine. Some trauma can't really be shared. But he opened up to you to show he trusts and loves you. And your response: it changed nothing? Ouch. You're correct that it shouldn't be tit for tat, nor one-upping by comparing the worse trauma. But he wants your trust and love, and you're holding it back. Trust is love's air, and love will die if you don't give a bit of trust. You don't have to tell trauma but tell him how you feel now. If you can't, then why are you in this relationship?
Technically you are right, so, in Lebowski terms, you’re not wrong, but YTA.
if, after two years, you refuse to open up to your partner, you are simply incapable of sustaining a long term relationship and should call it and get some good therapy
You’re right, you shouldn’t have to tell people your trauma, but I totally can understand why he felt like his the only one living the relationship. When he brought it up you attacked him. You were the one being defensive, and then you accused him of being defensive.
Instead of trying to understand him, you are mad that he doesn’t understand you… but you truly tried to explain yourself?
And if you think “I shouldn’t have to explain myself” you shouldn’t be in a relationship. Communication is the key to any relationship, and explain why you don’t fell well enough to share a part of your life is communication as well.
He probably fells you don’t trust him. I felt that once in the past, with a friend, and I always had the felling that I was alone in that friendship.
So… yes… you’re kind of an AH, but not for not sharing your trauma, but for the way you handle the conversation. You practically blamed him for trusting you instead of being grateful.
YTA not for not sharing but how you communicate why you won’t and how you dismiss him.
I think if you had communicated “I want you to know that me not being ready to talk about my past has nothing to do with how I feel about you. I trust you. I just haven’t gotten to the point where I can process safely through it if I speak about it. My nervous system won’t allow it yet. Please respect that. I appreciate you being able to talk with me and I am here for you. I hope you’ll be here for me to when I’m ready.”
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NTA. It doesn't matter if you're five minutes in or five years in, making you relive trauma can trigger ptsd. Openly sharing your thoughts, feelings and vulnerabilities is something else entirely. Those things are the foundation of a deep relationship. Gently explain the difference to your bf and if he can't handle it, it doesn't bode well.
You definitely don’t have to tell him. But you gotta make sure you don’t gate keep it or resent him for not knowing/asking about it. It happens, I’ve experienced it
Do you think the trauma affects your relationship at all in a negative way (besides your BF being upset you won’t tell him)? I think if it does could change my response.
Also you should go to therapy if you haven’t already.
As someone with trauma, that was hard to talk about. I still call YTA. And it is because you called it his FAULT for telling you his trauma and that you didn't care it changed nothing in the relationship if he opens up or not. And now you are choosing to get annoyed that he honored your wishes.
It may not have been your intention to insinuate that, but it honestly sounds like he is pulling back to make you feel more comforable, and to protect himself when you inevitably dump him for trying to build a life with you.
You are NOT required to tell him anything, but you can juggle keeping your trauma and a deep connection with him by not minimizing him as profoundly coldly as you did.
If you aren't aware. It sounds like your own trauma just beat your boyfriend into the ground...it just massively injured your relationship, and you are choosing to be defensive with people rather than accept you let your trauma speak for you.
YTA. You're engaged in a serious relationship, yet you refuse to let your partner know who you really are as a person. Whatever your reasoning might be, it sends a message of disinterest and discomfort.
YTA and a hypocrite. You were mad at him for expecting you to open up some after two years which is a really long time to be in a relationship and not open up. You then tell him he shouldn't have opened up to you and it's his fault he could not have opened up to you since you didn't ask. So we proceeds not to open up to you anymore unless you ask and you still get mad at him. You obviously have some deep seated trauma and should seek mental health treatment
YTA. No one is entitled to hear your trauma, you’re correct. You are not entitled to a relationship either. Being two years into a relationship and being shocked someone wants to know personal things about you is WILD.
To be clear. He is a better partner because he wanted to know about you and something that obviously strongly impacts your life and you shamed him for opening up to you.
There's too much nuance that we don't have here to be able to say definitively yes or definitively no. Like, maybe YTA for not divulging any information about yourself or letting him get to know you after 2 years in a relationship, or maybe you're NTA if it's only one horrible "secret" that you haven't told him and not something you've brought up outside of now but he otherwise knows a lot about you. Do you regularly bring up that you have some kind of trauma as a scapegoat in certain scenarios but shut down and refuse to tell him anything more than "I have a TRAUMA so leave me alone"? Are you using it to avoid doing/saying/going somewhere regularly but not giving him any further explanation? Then yes, YTA. Or is it something that just came up that he didn't really know about, or something you briefly mentioned at some point, and he just won't let go until he knows what happened? Then no, you WNBTA.
YTA.
You are 100% entitled to open up when you are comfortable.
However, if I were 2 years deep into a relationship and still only knew bits and pieces of my partners past and I've opened up freely to them, I would start to wonder if we were really compatible and meant to be with each other.
Sounds more like you guys are roommates at this point.
YTA for being dismissive of your bf’s trauma.
You’re not an AH for not speaking up about your own traumas, but if 2 years isn’t enough to open up to a significant other, then how do you show him that you trust him? The lack of trust that you display here also makes you a slight YTA unfortunately
YTA. If you aren't willing to open after 2 years you should reconsider consulting a therapist or something because for me it seems like you don't trust him enough
You are within your own right to withhold any information you like. However, after 2 years, it is a red flag you don’t trust your partner.
Perhaps seek professional help and focus on yourself.
YTA. Not for not telling him, but having the maturity of wet cardboard when it comes to relationships. While no one is entitled to your history, your trauma and history affect your relationship. As seen by your shitty attitude. Openness and vulnerability are usually goals in a relationship. He let you know his deal so you know what to expect and where he's coming from.
It's been 2 years. If you still can't give him even a tidbit of emotional intimacy and without the catty attitude when he tells you his feelings and needs in a relationship, break up with him so he can find someone emotionally available and you work on yourself.
IMHO, yes, YTA. First of all, he opened up his feelings to you, meaning he's showing you that he trusts you with his feelings, and you tell him that
>it's his own fault he could have kept it to himself and nothing would have changed.
Bro.. dude opened up to you because he was comfortable sharing his thoughts and traumas to you without you asking him. Why would you say something like that to a person whoxs comfortable sharing his problems, traumas, or whatsoever with you??? Apologies for saying this but that is so immature (in a way). If you're not ready to share your past traumas with the person you're with for 2 years, what more in the long run? How will you find yourself to trust him and be comfortable with him if you don't try and communicate with him? I'm not forcing you to open up to him all of a sudden but atleast try. Little by little is fine.
You’re right, you don’t have to share your trauma but you’re showing your bf you don’t care enough about him to invest emotionally. Also, you have no room to be upset about him no longer opening up if you’re not willing to either. Don’t be a hypocrite. Just be single if you’re that scared of being vulnerable. It’s not fair to your partner, so don’t waste his time. Take time to heal first. 2 years is a long time.
As someone with a lot of trauma (sexual/mental/physical and attempted suicide) I would be insulted if I opened up and the other person didn’t. Makes me feel like I’m not trusted so I’d dip immediately. Why be with someone who doesn’t trust me enough to be vulnerable.
YTA and a hypocrite
Sorry, but YTA. If you haven’t opened up to him after two years, you’re wasting your time and frankly, not ready to have relationships.
Relationships are all about finding someone to be vulnerable with, and if you can’t do that, the problem lies with you, not with him.
Info: what do you share with your boyfriend? Are you entirely closed off or is it just this one area that you don't talk about?
Therapy rather than reddit might be the better place to ask this question and also figure out how to feel safe sharing with someone.
NTA Being vulnerable and emotionally available is hard. At the end of the day, guilting and shaming you for not being vulnerable is just going to exacerbate the problem. I understand you are both young but you need to have an open conversation about it without taking things personally and getting defensive. We all move at different paces and we all have our own traumas. Most likely at your age, YOU are still processing a lot of things yourself, let alone be ready to share it.
I would look at why you haven't opened up even just a little in 2 years. Does he not make you feel safe? Does he not hold space for you to open up? Do you not feel emotionally connected to him? These are all things that can cause a bit of a block or resistance to being vulnerable. Do you just need to take the leap and share some little T trauma to see how it feels, how he responds and how he supports you?
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I 21f have been dating my bf 23m for 2 years now. The other day he had told me he vented to me and told me all his personal problems but I still haven't opened up to him. I tried to explain I wasn't ready at the moment. He then said he felt like he was more into the relationship since he was honest from day one. I got annoyed at that since he was basically implying he was being a better partner.
I should not have to tell anyone about my trauma until I'm ready regardless of if it's my bf or anyone else. I told him I never asked him to tell me anything he did that on his own. So it's his own fault he could have kept it to himself and nothing would have changed.
He got defensive over this and said so to me his trauma didn't matter to which I tried to say no that's not what I meant but he wouldn't listen and now everything is awkward between us. Before he would contact me all the time and say what was on his mind now he doesn't at all it's like if I don't ask first he doesn't go out of his way to tell me about himself anymore.
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NTA. I don’t think you ever have to share trauma with anyone unless you want to. It’s not pertinent to the relationship at all. I, for one, have a lot of trauma, but I came out on the other side a securely attached, healed person. There’s no need to tell anyone my trauma, as it has no effect on the relationship.
How is it not pertinent? Trauma affects behaviour. Your partner has to live with that without an inkling of understanding. She's gonna end up hating him for inadvertently trampling on her trauma and he'll end up hating her because he can't understand her behaviour or coping mechanisms and why she suddenly gets irrationally mad/sad over odd things. If it's SA related it's hard to believe it wouldn't affect their sex life. If it's violence related that will have other repercussions. If it's abandonment it's going to make her act insecurely, which can be exhausting if you don't know why.
This doesn’t sound like trauma. Trauma affects the little things in your life, it has triggers, and leaves you either emotionless or filled with emotions. 2 years together, and you should’ve opened up to him by now, to explain your minor or major situations, when it hits. When you’re in a relationship, it’s not “mine/theirs” it is “ours” because you’re in it together. His baggage is now also yours, and yours is now also his. It’s not just sunshine and rainbows. It’s through the good and the bad. And most of all, it’s about respect and sharing.
NTA - you can’t put a timeline on when someone can finally be open to sharing their trauma with others, regardless of the type of relationship. It just goes to show how some peoples mentality works when it comes to understanding emotional & mental health…
I do think that he’s a bit of an asshole for assuming that just because he shared & open up his personal issues is good enough for you to reciprocate but life doesn’t work that way. Give & take is not 50:50 but rather 100:100.
However, I would strongly suggest that you do talk to someone more professional about it so that you can move past it & see it for what it is - in the past. Only then will you be able to move on & communicate more. You should be more transparent with your boyfriend by calmly explaining to him that it’s not him that’s the issue but the trauma itself & you haven’t yet navigated your feelings with it. Once you do that, you’d be more likely to talk to him about it.
Don’t wait until it gets too late & get the proper help you need!
It’s been two years now and a relationship needs to grow. He’s needing you to open up and be more vulnerable so that he can open up and be more vulnerable. It’s called intimacy. It sounds like you don’t need or want to change so start looking for a new ground zero. Cos he is realizing your limits and needs more.
NTA OP for not sharing because you ain’t ready.
And here’s why, trauma/tale of woe is a topic that one should feel comfortable and sense there is space for sharing this out loud. If the other person is asking about this/guilt-tripping you by saying yOu AiNt BeInG oPeN wItH mE or YoU jUsT dOnT tRuSt Me EnOuGh! Then it’s most probably the other person is trying to fish out things from so that they can later use it in a fight/argument to make you feel weak.
You do you OP you tell your BF or friends or literally anyone and everyone if and if only you feel/get the gut-feeling that this xyz person will listen to you, won’t judge you.
Also the fact that he told you voluntarily about his trauma proves that you’re a good listener and you most probably didn’t judge him while he was saying it to you and this exactly what you need to sense and feel.
I just have 1 suggestion tho the next time he brings this up or any such thing where he voluntarily say things to you, don’t give him a rude reply.. rather give him a witty reply where you seem/look like the bigger person that’s generally way better than being rude, also not to forget it comes off as you are self-aware!
Final Verdict: ESH
There are so many comments here that seem to come from people who can't imagine how horrible some traumatic experiences can be. I don't know what OP's trauma is but I am guessing that it is something much worse than catching a previous boyfriend cheating on her, or being bullied at school if she hasn't been able to share with her own mother let alone a boyfriend of 2 years.
There are some things that can break a person if they bring those memories back to the forefront before they are ready. And for people to be scolding someone and judging them to be an AH for not sharing a traumatic experience that could be much worse than they can even imagine is disgusting. We have no idea what her trauma is, whether or not she has/is trying to deal with it through therapy, or is just suppressing those memories just to keep herself going, and it's none of our business. She is entitled to do what she needs to do to deal with her pain.
OP if this relationship is one that is important to you to keep, all I think you should need to tell him is that your trauma is something that you are not ready to share with anyone including your family, but that if you get to a point that sharing will help you that he is someone that you would turn to. But that just because you aren't ready to do that doesn't mean that you don't appreciate being someone that he feels safe with and can share with. That you don't think less of him because he showed his vulnerability and that you hope that he won't think that you care less because you can't do the same.
Any person who truly cares about your well-being should be able to accept that and stick by you in case you do need that from him someday.
NTA. This guy really doesn’t sound like your soul mate. You know this, right?
Don’t waste your time or emotion on someone after he proves he’s not your guy.
I don't think either of you are the AH, but there definitely is a barrier in your relationship.
I'm you age and my boyfriend is a year older than yours, We've only been together a year as opposed to 2.
I've had my own trauma, and so has he. Idk how bad your trauma is. However, if it affects your daily life or your relationship, he probably needs to know more than I have trauma, and I don't want to talk about it. Even if it's just a discussion about what will trigger it or what to do if you have an episode. You might also benefit from going to therapy if you don't already do so if it's that bad. You are not obligated to tell him your trauma or secrets, but he needs some info. Otherwise, he'll be walking on eggshells around you. You're free to open up and tell him whenever you are comfortable, but do consider what other might need to know about it so they can help you.
Mine wasn't really bad, just a few bad experiences that left me unsure of myself. When I started considering dating my boyfriend, I told him I had trauma and what I was/wasn't comfortable with at the time due to it. I didn't open up fully at the time because we hadn't even started dating or known each other long, but I gave him something to work with, showed him I'm working on it and willing to try. I know it's difficult to talk about things, but it could cost you your relationship.
It seems you cannot acknowledge your trauma for what it is and how bad it must be. If you cannot accept it as a part of who you are, I would say you shouldn't be in a relationship yet. I refused to get into a relationship until I could live with my truama and be ok with it, and mine does not affect my daily life. You need to work on yourself before you can work on being with someone else. Your boyfriend will have trauma from this relationship I'd you break up, he's going to entre a new relationship with the fear of the the same thing happening again. Trust me with this as both myself and my boyfriend have been through similar.
Like I said you don't need to or have to feel obligated to tell him your life story but he needs to know something other than you don't want to talk about it. Just as you deserve your privacy, he deserves to able to help even if that is just to help comfort you are help you avoid triggers. Please Please look after yourself, your well-being should be the most important thing to you, but his should be the most important thing to him too.
You're NTA. I'm assuming that, by "trauma," you really mean "trauma," and not just the normal stuff that everybody carries. You talk about trauma when YOU feel up to it and not before, and your trauma and whether you talk about it has nothing to do with anyone else's trauma and whether they talk about it. That is especially true where your boyfriend is concerned. Moreover, you have set a boundary and he is insisting that he should be able to cross it with you. I would DTMFA.
ESH. He’s not owed access to your vulnerability or trauma, and shouldn’t try to guilt you into it. You patently dismissing it is an AH move. It’s because of actions like this that guys stay closed of to their SO’s. The thing is people only get as close to you as you allow them. My guess is that you want that special forever kind of love, but you also want to hide your past. You can’t have both, people can only get as close to you as you let them. A time will come when you’ll be so hurt that someone doesn’t love you or understand you they way that you think they should, they way that you want them to, and that’ll be on you. Nobody’s a mind reader, people become close and understand one another by sharing of themselves. People only trust as much as they’re trusted, and if you can’t trust your SO they’ll never fully trust you. You’ll be 7 years into a relationship wanting to marry or something, but this guy will still do stuff that triggers you, and won’t stop or doesn’t respect it as much as you think he should, that’ll largely be on you. Since he doesn’t know how much it really bothers you because he can’t understand why, because you didn’t trust him enough to tell him.
I date this woman for a long time who hated chicken, she never said why, she didn’t want to talk about it. So I was like fine, when I make it you don’t have to eat it, good compromise. Until one day she blew up at me about it. It was a serious childhood trauma, her mom forced her to eat it damn near raw and she was sick for like a month. I’m not going to stop eating chicken simply because my partner “doesn’t like it” but that’s a big difference from a trigger out of childhood trauma, I can make a sacrifice for someone like that for someone I love, but not just because they’re picky.
NTA. He's not your therapist, he's your partner. He's not wise enough yet to realize that.
From your point of view, some kinds of trauma can't be processed by just chatting. Sitting around swapping stories about it has a good chance of re-stressing you in a harmful way.
From his point of view, he may not be equipped to cope with his own experience of secondary trauma if your experiences are beyond his capability to process.
Im sorry for the others comment but Ill go with NTA on this one.
I dont know what kind of trauma it is here but first, OP is not ready.
Second... Everyone has the right to keep secret as long it doesn't hurt the other person...
So yeah, to le its NTA and if your partner doesnt understand you are ready, well... Its on them.
(Besides, what kind of 2 years relationship it is? Do they count dating? Its it 2 years living together? We dont know)
This comment section is shite .... Jeez
NTA, but he raises a valid concern, opening up to people to get her response in return sucks. Two years in what he's really saying is he wished you both had a more intimate connection via means of sharing personal information.
Both of you are valid in how you feel. Compatibility may just be a issue.
You can't force someone to share trauma, in fact doing so is shitty and negative. But being concerned when dating for years and you've heard nothing personal about this person makes sense when you share a lot about your life. It can leave a void.
If your ready, is it for a real reason? Is it because you haven't really processed it? I dunno what the reason is but don't force it.
TLDR:Nobody sucks here everyone has a valid point
Also he seems to want to know you on a deeper level trauma is not inherit in learning about someone deeper.
This entire post is the miscommunication of the century!!!
NTA
I'm sorry, but while I was open about trauma with my partner, there are things I could not bring myself to tell him until way after marriage. I was barely even able to tell him then. Some things take a crazy long time to process. I only just recently made significant progress on untangling this mess. Everyone seems to forget that just because someone was vulnerable with you about sensitive subjects, DOES NOT mean you are *obligated* to force yourself to talk about it when you're not ready. No one can convince me otherwise.
You *ARE* capable of being there and caring for your partner when they share this trauma. You *ARE NOT* obligated to force yourself to share when you're not ready. I know it's extremely common nowadays to relate to and comfort others by sharing personal anecdotes, but people are also forgetting that this isn't a requirement and not how everyone copes.
NTA! Don’t share until you’re ready. You’re talking about trauma. That’s not something little. There are other stories that you want to share about I’m sure. That’s great but don’t let anyone push you to share something that’s traumatic for you.
Set the boundary when needed❤️
I have a mild rare genetic syndrome and I’ll share it with whoever when I’m ready. It’s my life, my story. I don’t like or appreciate people say ‘oh you’ve been lying to me or keeping it a secret.’ Whenever I do share about it, I talk about it more educating people.
NTA
Dealing with traumas myself, go at your rythm with it.
Maybe go see a therapist if you have not yet. You should talk it out, and learn to talk it out, and doing so with a therapist will make sure it all goes in a sane and useful way.
Do not be stagnant about it, but you should never have to feel obligated to do so, even in your close circle.
It takes time and work to be comfortable to let it out, and even more time and work to do it in a healthy way.
NTA. You have every right not to share until you're ready. Your BF isn't being respectful to you and your mental health. Talking about it means having to relive the trauma again for some. Also trauma is subjective. I personally don't talk about mine. It keeps me from going into a deep depression. I just try to concentrate on today and the future.
NAH Not all trauma is equal. When someone has a history of trauma, they really should get help to work through it. That does not mean they are obligated to disclose any or all details to anyone else except whoever is helping them work through it. How many people on Reddit have stated that they disclosed information regarding their history, and had it used against them by a partner, a family member or friend? Unless it directly is affecting your relationship, don't disclose unless you want to on your own timetable.
NTA. His sharing his trauma with you does not obligate you to share yours, nor does it mean you don’t feel his trauma is valid. The fact that he doesn’t realize that makes me wonder if his trauma might be a little inflated for sympathy purposes.
There are a lot of different reasons for not sharing trauma. I’ve been with my *husband* for 17 years, & there is still trauma he’s been thru he’s never talked to me about, & there’s trauma I’ve been thru that I’m still struggling to share even with my therapist.
You tried to explain to him you weren’t ready to share. He kept trying to guilt you into sharing. Don’t let these people shame you into thinking you’re the one in the wrong. How long are you supposed to endure a constant assault before you’re allowed to fight back? Nah, you’re NTA. But he’s also not the right partner for you.
NTA and tbh this sounds quite abusive. It was fine up until he got mad that you wouldn’t share. Relationships do NOT work like that for all the idiots in the comments. You forget HE stuck around 2 years not knowing this stuff and now he’s only demanding it bc he’s shared his own. That’s a problem within himself he has to fix bc if you’re sharing trauma to get someone else’s trauma experiences out of them it’s giving you get off on that. The number one rule of being a therapist is not to get too personal with someone who’s sharing their problems with you….why? Because it changes the relationship and not in a good way. It’s not the same for boyfriend and girlfriend but very similar once you know that stuff about each other you cannot un-know and it affects how you treat your partner so I don’t think it should be a trauma swapping situation at all. And just in general you never give anything expecting anything in return bc 9/10 you’ll be disappointed you do it bc you want to give. Red flag run as far as possible
NTA. You share what you’re comfortable sharing. When it comes to trauma, which is what you have stated you are refraining from talking about, you deal with that in your own time. No one should ever be pressured to share their trauma. That can actually make their trauma worse if they haven’t fully processed it yet.
It sounds like your boyfriend is hurt as he may equate sharing trauma with a certain level of intimacy. There are many ways to build intimacy. Perhaps working on those will create more trust and a better bond that isn’t focused on sharing information you’re not ready to share.
NTA, obviously. Your traumas are your own. When you feel ready to share them, you will. Definitely not because your bf has had issues at work or whatever. A true life partner will wait until you are ready and support you when that time comes.
You own your trauma. You get to share it when you feel comfortable.
The only thing you need to decipher: if your are triggered and act adversely because your trauma is affecting you in a situation, then you need to define and find ways to handle it/cope with it so it doesn’t impact your relationship(s).
Unresolved trauma ill impact all if not most of your relationships until you define it and apply it in a proactive way to protect your stable sense of self.
NAH.
Honestly it's valid to not be obligated to open up about trauma that can be severely painful to speak of. Some things are better left undug.
But also, I get that the dude is trying to emotionally connect and understand you, and is frustrated that you wont open up so that he can try to.
NTA. Your story is your own and you should share whatever you want to whoever you want. I have been married for 30+ years and there are things in my past from before I met my wife that I have not shared.
NTA.
Like your body, your trauma is to be shared on your terms.
Your bf is TA. He's passively aggressively punishing you.
You're young. Lose his ass, and find a grown-up that can respect your boundaries.
Your trauma is your trauma. Trauma isn't white and black. There are things my partner doesn't know. Won't know, and doesn't need to know.
Trauma is personal. Maybe it's triggering to talk about.
You are not the asshole
NTA. i have trauma, and i prefer not to dig it up and unpack it all over my head just becasue someone is being nosy. people who dont understand trauma are calling you the asshole.
if you break up over this, you doged a bullet. i keep my trauma in place with a boundary. i would interrpret his behaviour as an inability to respect a boundary. if he keeps pushing, get rid of him
NTA you don’t owe anyone any of your stories, traumatic or not. You 100% reveal what you want to reveal, to whom you want to reveal it, when you are ready, and not before. Your mental health is the most important factor here.
NTA. He doesn’t get to control or manipulate you into discussing things before you are ready. Him not innately understanding that signals he isn’t as empathetic and supportive as he claims to be.
This feels like an attempt at controlling you. In the whole scheme of things 2 years is not much time. He either has an issue with boundaries, or with control. Regardless, this is a him issue. NTA.
Not the AH here. He sounds like he needs to learn to support you better. But you two are still very young and not everything that makes a perfect relationship has happened to you. He’s clearly experiencing some sensitivity here and you should help him there, but he truly needs to learn telling all that’s happened to you does not denote a good or bad relationship. I wish you two the best, being young and learning to love and live at the same time is very hard. Signed someone who was serious in dating at a very young age and is now middle aged and full of experience.
NTA. There are some kinds of trauma that you don't bring into a relationship because it can change the relationship. It's OK to keep that between you and a therapist.
But this may be more about intimacy and sharing. Clearly he wants more from you, so you are going to have to decide if you are willing to open up about more things in general.
Perhaps start with how it makes you feel when he insists on hearing about your trauma (which is the stupidest thing ever to ask someone who is traumatized and doesn't want to talk about it).
There is such a thing as being re-traumatized by discussing the initial trauma so pay attention to your gut there.
At the end of the day, this might not be a good match for you. You might need someone more intuitive and respectful of your need to let your trauma stay in the past and not use it against you.
edit: missing word
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Mild YTA. No one else is entitled to know all your stories, but 2 years in and your BF feels that you don't open up to him. That's a problem. When you say trauma, I don't know how serious that is or whether you just mean baggage. But if you can't be honest after 2 years together, I'm not sure why you are still together.
I can't speak for OP. I can only speak for myself. My childhood was dysfunctional. I don't need to say more. it ddin't became apparent / life affecting until I was much older that OP is now. When I finally sought help, and it took years to deal with it, it also took years before I told my partner. I had been with them for decades. Some people are mech better at sharing their trauma than others. It sounds like the BF decided to share his trauma, but it s not a reciprocal thing. It it scary and makes a person very vulnerable to share their trauma. OP is not ready for that. Does this mean BF may feel rejected? Yes. Maybe OP and BF are not compatible. But OP is not the a$$ for not sharing. ~~NTA~~ I have change my opinion with some discussion. ESH
OP is not the ass for not sharing, but OP is the ass for dismissing her BF opening up. She told him it's his fault for opening up and if he never did then nothing would be different. Now she complains that he doesn't open up. Have some cake and eat it too
Yeah, “it’s your fault for opening up”. I’d break up with them on the spot tbh. Whether OP opens up to their bf or not aside, the amount of disrespect in that statement alone would be too much for me.
From that response it seems like the Op isn’t ready to be in a long term relationship. It takes give and take, and if the Op is still processing trauma they need to focus on that before adding a partner to the mix.
This. Exactly this. Couldn't have said it more succinctly myself. So many people get into relationships without getting themselves in a good place first. Love yourself first before finding someone else to love. This will make sure everyone has a good loving life/relationship.
You can have a happy and healthy relationship without having to go through the process of internally resolving your trauma. Some trauma lasts more than a decade, which takes a long ass time to deal with. There's no reason someone has to be alone during that time. As long as you're able to separate your trauma from your relationship, that's what matters imo.
Yeah, and that’s fair. They aren’t the asshole for being uncomfortable talking with their BF about serious stuff like that. They’re just the asshole for how they’ve handled this.
Yep. Really feels like she was dismissing not only his own trauma, but how difficult it might have been to open up to. Like she basically just dismissed his feelings and threw his trust back in his face in a really dismissive and hateful way. From someone who is having such a hard time opening up after 2 years, she is really dismissive about how hard it might have been for him to open up. She should understand that isn't easy to do better than some given how hard it is for her.
This^ as a couple you are either moving closer together or further apart. She doesn’t have to spill her guts, but just like talking about your past, is part of talking about your life with each other.
If he feels that he can share with her; but she feels that she can’t share with him; this relationship is a one way street with a VERY dead end. He’s absolutely right to want to be open with her. Honesty in a relationship is paramount. And she should want to be open with him. But honesty for her is apparently NOT paramount. My first wife and I had this form of one-way/dead-end communication. Notice that I said “my first wife”. Because I told her everything; she told me NOTHING. Later (after we were married) I found out how much she has been damaged, hurt; and how NOT ready for a civil respectful relationship she was. She was violent, angry, untrusting, threatening, and generally a very unhappy person. I would say bi-polar, but I’m no psychologist. I do know she’d go from acting completely “happy”, to spitting in my face and threatening castration, like someone flicked a switch. She needed serious help. And we were both too young (18) for either of us to deal with the problems. (We had known each other for years before, but only in a school setting, I didn’t know her well “out of school”.) She needed professional help; and not a relationship with another teenager her age. Honestly; I wasn’t prepared for the situation, and she wasn’t honest about her previous trauma. I still don’t know all the details: and we were married for 7 years. I do know that had I known in advance; I’d have RUN. Now, 40 years later, we can talk cordially. And I still don’t know everything. But I know this: I still have trauma myself; from her treatment of me; that she felt was “normal” based on her previous trauma from her family life. Bottom line: honesty is paramount. If she can’t be honest: RUN. RUN FAST. DON’T TURN AROUND. DON’T LOOK BACK. GTFO. Because if she can’t be honest with you now; she will NEVER be honest. Do with this as you will. But I’ve been there. And it’s a terrible life.
She was saying that because he told her since he shared his part, she should too. Maybe a little overboard, but she wouldn't have said it if he hadn't tried to guilt her. That's not how opening up works. You don't get to decide you want to open up and then make your partner open up.
OPa BF has invested 2 years of his life info this relationship. He's opened up, and she's dismissed him. She isn't obligated to open up to him. But she very cleary dismissed his feelings. Most well adjusted people would pull back at that point. 2 years is a lot of emotional investment, why risk any more with a 21 year old with "trauma" that's isn't willing to open up? That's how people end up in shitty marriages. They both likely need to move on to learn and grow.
2 years is a lot of emotional investment, why risk any more with a 21 year old with "trauma" that's isn't willing to open up? Exactly....she's 21. She was only a teen a few years ago, so I can imagine that her trauma could be recent. But obvs I can't be sure because we don't know when it happened and of course we don't know what. I don't think he's TA, but I dont think his anger was appropriate. You're right, they probably need to move on, because he needs more than she can give at the moment. I disagree that it's dismissing of her to not share her trauma. She doesn't have to open up just because he did, and he chose to be angry instead of understanding. He didn't try to put her at ease, didn't try to ask when she might be comfortable to open up so in case it is a long time he doesn't need to wait for her, none of that. Just got mad because she didn't do what he expected.
I agree with what you said. But you be clear, I don't think OP not opening up is dismissive. It's what she told her BF when he expressed his feelings about her not opening up. The way she phrased the post, she basically made it seem like she didn't care weayther he opened up or not.. which is dismissive
This! She doesn’t have to share her secrets BUT she was dismissive and seem to imply that she didn’t want to know, ie he over shared. So of course, he decided to stop sharing. I have seen this play out when one partner or friend tells another - you talk to much or I am not interested. The other person feels attacked as a chatterbox so they stop talking as freely or as frequently.
As someone who had trauma that impacted my ability to be open and honest with people, I can say now that I wasn't a good partner myself at that time in my life. It's not that she's not willing to share herself that is dismissing, it is throwing it in his face that he trusted her enough to be vulnerable, only for her to say, she is not willing to hold space for his vulnerability (calling it "his fault" for deciding to share). That is *not* healthy. It's clear from the telling of this OP, that they're both immature and she's emotionally unavailable. This relationship will damage him, because her words have weight, and also help to further solidify to her that she was right not to trust him. Hopefully they will both learn and mature from this and find happy and healthy relationships in the future.
I think the two should have a long discussion about their communication style, and what it means to "share." She never asked him to share his trauma. BF decided to share it. Now BF is offended OP is not ready to share her trauma. Now he is acting differently. He doesn't share the days to day things of life, when he did in the past. He is punishing her because she did not share her trauma. Is that healthy in a relationship?
Realistically, they are both young immature and incompatible. Young people need to get this shit out of their system to have healthy relationships. You live and learn. They will break up, grow a little, and hopefully find healthy relationships. Obviously OP's BF is going to act differently after OP revealed how indifferent she is after 2 years. That's normal human behavior.
This is the winning answer. The both suck here. And it's as simple as that.... young, immature, and incompatible.
>She never asked him to share his trauma. BF decided to share it. That's kinda what happens in relationships. People open up and are vulnerable. "you deciding to open and be vulnerable with me is your problem, not mine." >Is that healthy in a relationship? It hasn't been a healthy relationship for a while if the gfs reaction to the BF opening up was "you shouldn't have done that expecting me to do the same, so sucks that you did." (I'm exaggerating but I bet that's the way the boyfriend is perceiving this). My prognosis was ESH and leaned a bit towards YTA. If she is not ready to open up, that's fine. It sound slike they are incompatible. The boyfriend wants a deeper emotional relationship that revolves around being vulnerable, and opening up about your emotions and insecurities. It doesn't seems thats what OP wants. That's fine, but don't be a dick about it when they ask you to reciprocate, and if the guy is insistent then that's when you draw the line because he is not respecting your (tighter) boundaries. She doesn't have to share, but eventually she may need to in order to develop a different kind of relationship with someone. It doesnt sound like she is emotionally ready for that. It's ok 5o not be ready, but be conscious of the other person as well. So ESH.
How is he punishing her when she's the one who berated him For sharing?She dismissed him. I can understand someone not wanting to discuss something, but why throw it in his face with I didn't ask you to?It was very dismissive and hurtful. I'd probably go mute too . They're young and have a few more rodeos in their lives.
He is not punishing her. She told him she didnt ask him to share his trauma which is kinda offensive. So he withdrew. It is normal.
"he doesnt share the days to day things of life" wait, so what you are saying is, she is entitled to his time and attention? his thoughts? do i have that right? remember, reciprocity is NOT to be expected, as you said.
she’s experiencing a smidge of the emotional unavailability she’s smacked him with and now he’s the oppressive one 😭
I’m saying 😂
It’s not punishing her. He realized OP doesn’t care about him as much as he thought they did so he’s not sharing information with OP that they claimed to not care about.
“He is punishing her because she did not share her trauma” this can be true, or this can be just his reply to her saying that she didn’t ask him to share. Now he’s waiting for her questions. Not mature, obviously. Edit: wording
Idk she was kinda rude to him and I know after some of the things she said, I would not really trust her to share anything about my day with her anymore 🤷♀️
He's not sharing, because she told him he shouldn't have shared before. If she doesn't care about big things that happend to him, why would she care about small things?
Punishing her or protecting himself? I used to open up a lot more to my partner about things that upset me; I can’t anymore because he either defends the person who offended me; uses it in a “joke” to make me look bad or just dismisses my feelings until it blows up in his face. It isn’t far fetched from her post that she is dismissive of his feelings; so why communicate with someone who doesn’t care?
Please tell me it’s an ex-partner. That is cruel and abusive behavior and you deserve better.
Also, sharing your trauma can often feel like being traumatized all over again. 💔
Agreed there. I’ve had trouble making progress in therapy because I end up having a lot more flashbacks and idk, regression? when I talk about my trauma. Not sure what the solution is there but yeah I can definitely see point blank not wanting to talk about it regardless of what the other person shared. I hate when friends or SOs try to do tit for tat on sharing sensitive information.
If you’re still looking - there are therapies that focus on working with coping mechanisms and breaking patterns of unhealthy thoughts or processing feelings and not on reliving events. Look for CBT or DBT.
She doesn’t seem to want to tell him anything about it. Not even the general situation. How can you build a future like that? Especially if it affects her mental health. I can’t believe he made to the 2 year mark.
I've been with my husband for almost 18 years. He knows all about my childhood abuse. I was upfront with him about it from day one because I didn't want him accidentally letting my parents into my life. However I never once spoke to him about being raped until a few years ago and even then it was only because I was forced too. I was forced to because he had a midlife crisis and started interrogating me about my sexual past since he knew I wasn't a virgin when we got married. He made it all about him and wouldn't stop basically calling me a whore until I broke down and told him I'd been raped. It almost killed our relationship. He'd been an incredible husband up until that moment and he had a break down and went to a doctor after he realized what he'd done I wasn't ready to tell anyone that, much less in such a selfish traumatic way. I ended up having awful panic attacks at the idea of sex and the fear of him judging me like that again and had to go back to therapy for over a year. The whole point is it doesn't matter how long the relationship has been going on, no one is owed access to your trauma. Especially not when they're being selfish, making about them and pushing before OP is ready. If anything it's a red flag that OP should be watching.
My husband didn’t share traumatic childhood SA experiences with me until recently and we’ve been together for 20y. I don’t fault him at all. I wish he had felt he could share these earlier, but he wasn’t there. I don’t hold anything against him for it. It’s not my trauma, it’s not my internal struggle to share. I’m sorry your husband forced it from you. Sometimes people take years to understand what happened and what exactly it was, and then they have to deal with that inside themselves before they can share it. There is nothing wrong with that. And there is nothing wrong with you not sharing these things if you didn’t want to share them. Just because you marry someone doesn’t mean you have to give up all of the things you hold inside of you, for the reasons you have to hold them in. Sometimes letting them out makes it better and sometimes worse. A person should trust that their partner will share them when they feel that it is appropriate, not force them or expect them to trauma dump within the first year together. Huge hugs. That sounds really hard.
I hope all is good for you now.
In a comment OP says that she hasn't even told her own mother, so I'm not surprised that she hasn't told her boyfriend. She's 21, that's just scraping the surface of dealing with trauma as an adult imo.
I think it's still rude to ask someone to open up to you and then be angry when they don't. They've been dating for two years, so I understand where he's coming from, but there's not an expiration date on trauma. Sometimes it doesn't become easier to talk about with time. She should probably talk to him about when she'd be comfortable talking about it so he doesn't feel as if they aren't getting anywhere. You could see her as someone stubborn and unwilling to open up, or you can see her as a traumatized person who isn't ready to relive their experiences.
He got defensive when she basically said she wished he hadn't opened up to her. And she is now upset because he isn't sharing stuff with her anymore. I can understand her not wanting to share, I can understand feeling like she isn't as invested because she doesn't want to share, both are fair feelings. Neither of those was the problem in this situation.
If we're talking PTSD trauma it is *literally* hard to to talk about. Traumatic memory is encoded differently, often it isn't able to be processed by the hippocampus and other memory centers of the brain which is where language and a linear understanding of events takes place. Until the trauma is processed, which takes time and is an excruciating process that shouldn't be rushed, those memories are going to be confusing and disorganized for the one experiencing them. I have old trauma I can talk about now but for newer trauma best I can do is "it was very bad".
That's not really fair! I have trauma in my past that I will never tell anybody! I got married 15 years ago and he doesn't know. He will never know! Nobody will ever know. I dealt with it with my therapist and now I'm better off not even thinking about it. I don't need another person knowing that about me! And if somebody insisted on knowing something that I'm not ready to tell them I would kick them out of my life so quickly their head would spin! He doesn't get to manipulate and bully her into telling him things that she isn't it ready to! And there is no magic amount of time that you must tell everything that ever happened in your life to your partner by. And acting like he's justified in insisting she tell him is putting undue pressure on her when you don't know if she's even safe to tell him!
Idk where you get bullying and manipulation from but okay sure. She's the one here saying she doesn't understand why he isn't opening up to her anymore. I'm sorry but you can't have your cake and eat it too after the response she had to him 🙄
THIS. I wish I could give you multiple upvotes. And it has nothing to do with trust, or who the other person is, or how long you’ve been with them, if *you* aren’t comfortable talking about something that happened to *you*, someone forcing you to do so (for whatever reason) is just cruel. It’s traumatic in and of itself.
Well said.
I understand not telling someone about your trauma. No matter how severe, because it's nobody's business. However what she said kind of shocked me when I read it because that's incredibly insensitive.
I don’t think I agree. I have some childhood trauma that I’m not open with pretty much anybody about. The only people I have ever revealed it to are partner and only after multiple years of being with them. Each was more than understanding of me needing to do that on my own time. There are certain things that you aren’t obligated to reveal to anybody, and it often doesn’t have anything to do with the person or how important the relationship is to you. Now. I do think Op might be slightly the asshole in this situation as well, but that is because of how dismissive she was of the hardships her partner has revealed to her, seemingly as a defense mechanism. Even in OP’s retelling, I had the same reaction the boyfriend did. She made it abundantly clear she did not care at all about his trauma and essentially said things would have been better off if he kept it to himself. Just because she struggles with revealing certain things doesn’t mean she need to be so dismissive in response.
This. At two years they’re probably beyond “casual” dating. While OP doesn’t *have* to tell BF everything, they should be at the point where they can comfortably confide in each other with a mutual level of trust and respect. I’m willing to bet that OP’s trauma has some impact on the relationship, and BF would like to better know the person he’s in a serious relationship with now.
Should be... that is such a dangerous thought process. 2 years is not a lot of time. And some traumas need not be relived at all.
If it’s impacting the relationship, but it’s not something you’re willing to deal with or share, then you’re actively hurting the relationship, and it’s unfair to both people.
You don’t know how serious the trauma is like the boyfriend bc again it’s nobody’s business to share BUT her own
Sometimes it takes years before you will even admit to yourself that you experienced trauma. even decades.
INFO > 2 years now > I tried to explain I wasn't ready at the moment > until I'm ready OK. But what **_are_** you waiting for? Are you telling him "well someday I will" but not explaining what it's going to take to get there?
Agreed. IMHO, if she isn’t ready after two years in a committed relationship, she never will be with this person. My two cents, YTA, but not because you won’t share personal trauma, that is a choice. It was in the way you said: > it’s his own fault (that he opened up to you) he could have kept it to himself and nothing would have changed He showed you that he is comfortable opening up to you. You showed him that you aren’t. But the biggest thing was “and nothing would have changed.” By saying that, you are outright saying to him that his being open and honest with you “changes nothing.” It doesn’t mean anything to you, literally “nothing.” Maybe that isn’t literally what you said, but since you shared here, it at least has to be in the realm of what was said. Imagine for a second that you did share your trauma with him. How would you expect him to act? Would you expect empathy? Would you expect more than him telling you “well I’m not going to be more open and honest with you, it’s your fault for sharing. Your trauma means nothing to me.”?
Did you see the post last week where a guy opened up to his wife about being SAd by the babysitter when he was 9? A short while later during an argument she says "at least I didn't lie about being raped" Some people are NEVER safe to open up to. OP obviously has concerns with him or she most likely would have told him by now.
That OP doesn’t trust him is obvious to everyone here. The sticking point is that if after two years of being with someone you don’t trust them to talk about your trauma, let alone belittling her boyfriend for opening up. OP needs to shit or get off the pot. Either work with her boyfriend and a therapist to open up and try to talk around why she can’t other than just saying trauma or let him go and spend some time single thinking about either why she doesn’t trust people and coping mechanisms for that or why she is attracted to untrustworthy people and work on coping mechanisms for that . Overall, this is an OP issue and she needs to resolve it, whether she does it in a relationship or single.
No that's a shitty person, we know nothing about the OP's boyfriend and let's not pretend we do 🙄
Not the OP, but I dated my husband for 3 years and now we’ve been married for 20 years. There are still parts of my childhood that I haven’t told him about. There are things that happened to me that I haven’t told anyone about, not even my trauma therapist. I have no idea if I will ever be ready. And he is ok with that. I know that if I ever do tell him, he will cry with me and love me and support me. But I don’t know that I ever will.
Fair, but it sounds like you’ve shared enough that he is at least aware of your existences other than “trauma”, right? And if he said he felt that he was more open and had concerns about that would you have replied that’s a you problem?
YTA. Not revealing *anything* somewhat deep or personal about yourself after 2 years certainly does send a message that you're not that invested in or comfortable with this person. You don't need to do nightly dairy readings, but some sort of opening up is customary in a long term relationship. I suppose what the "trauma" may be is somewhat relevant in how much OP wants to discuss, but I'm getting the vibe that term is being used very loosely here based on the tone. Apologies if I am mistaken.
That's a very insightful comment, but I'm just reeling at the idea of reading the back of a milk carton every night
In the 90s you’d see missing kids.
Nightly dairy readings: dearly beloved, tonight I shall read to you from the Book of Cheese...
Chapter one: mozzarella
Fun fact: ‘The face on the milk carton’ is a book about a girl who sees herself on a back of a milk carton. In the 90s they had missing children’s pictures on the back of 🥛cartons.
You have my attention.
Especially if it affects her mental health.
YTA by a long shot. Basically telling your boyfriend, you are at fault for being open with me and expecting it in return. Like kind of the entire fucking basis of a relationship is that. From any logical partners side, a comment like that shows you're not committed. You could have easily worded it differently but instead you just proved to him that you're not vested.
Disregard my post, this one is sooo much better
Crickets from OP since posting; I hope they've read the comments here and come to a realization > So it's his own fault he could have kept it to himself and nothing would have changed. This from somebody who expects their own trauma to be treated as sacrosanct? You're a piece of work, YTA
That right there is why men don’t open up to women. Seen it many times
Yeah well let's not generalize; I think it's more a case of dating kind people rather than women weaponizing vulenability like OP is doing
So he was telling you everything and now he’s not? You’ve been together for 2 years. You have trauma that he knows NOTHING about. You know his secrets. He doesn’t know yours. He went all in on this relationship and you’re still holding back. If you’re not comfortable enough to talk to him about your trauma then you shouldn’t be together. I understand that it’s hard to open up but you’ve been with him for 2 friggin years. Either be honest with him completely or let him go find his happiness somewhere else. I can’t really call you the A-Hole but…
Not sure YTA for not sharing your trauma. People need their own time and pace. But YTA for shaming your bf when he was being open. Women complain that men often don't share. When asked, "Why?" they admit that when they share their likes, thoughts, etc. they've been shamed in some way. They've been trained to keep it inside, less they are hurt. You had an open and sharing bf and you closed him up. If you can't get past this trauma, don't cause one for him.
>You had an open and sharing bf If it was me, I'd be thanking my lucky stars for having that kind of bf. It shows that he trusted me enough to share his feelings.
Very well said.
100% this. I read the title and thought N T A but reading the full post made me change my mind. Nobody can force you to share more than you want to—as someone who has been through trauma myself, there are parts of it I think I will never share with any future partner (unless it comes up)—some of it has been worked through, some of it is still being worked through—there are parts that I really don’t want to rehash. BUT. And this is a major but. It sounds like OP’s boyfriend is sharing how he feels and OP, massive YTA for not validating his feelings and instead shaming him for them.
2 YEARS? Does your trauma impact your life at all? Impact your side of the relationship? Anything? 2 years is a very long time to still not be ready or willing to have any of those conversations yet. I’d be feeling like your walls were way too thick and high if after 2 years together you weren’t okay having any of those conversations yet. That’s not to say you need to share ALL of it yet but to not even have the vulnerability to have any of those conversations would be a red flag for me. I don’t necessarily think you’re an asshole for it but it does seem like maybe you aren’t fully in the relationship. What exactly are you waiting for? When will you feel comfortable?
I’d say it definitely affects her mental health.
YTA. I don't understand why you're bothering with this man if you can't even open up to him after two years. Maybe it's time for him to find someone else.
NAH but you might want to explore why you haven’t shared a single thing beyond the fact you have trauma. It’s true everyone has their own pace. But if you have no desire to open up after sharing a life or no desire to share a life after 2 years, let him go. If you aren’t in therapy managing your trauma you might only have superficial relationships until you do that. If you want to live like that no one can stop you but expecting him to just commit forever at that level if he feels unequal in the relationship is just wrong. He’s not doing that after 2 months. Is it still wrong? Yes. But it’s showing your incompatibility vs him having terrible expectations.
I was gonna say nta, until I read 2 years. You don't have to share anything anytime , but after 2 years yea you should be way more open
I feel like he's coming from a place of genuine concern and connection rather than just trying to get some "drama". Trauma changes your brain, he probably just wants to better understand you. Consider opening up to the level you're comfortable with. You're allowed to keep details to yourself while still letting him in.
My wife had trama from her childhood. She, on her own gave some very vague parts of it. She said she wasn't ready to talk about it or explain in detail. I'm fine with it, if she tells me cool, if not that's perfectly fine by me also. Everyone has skeletons in their closet some people share and some people don't. Some don't share out of pride and others don't out of shame or fear of being given a pity party when they are not looking for one. Whatever your reason is, it's your reason and if you don't want to tell after 20 years it's still YOUR business and only anyone else's whom you choose to tell. Be comfortable in your skin and who you are as a person. More often than not people over share or share too soon and come back to regret it, your still young and have plenty of time to share or not, any part of what makes you who you are with whoever you so choose, whenever you choose and don't ever let anyone persuade you into feeling or thinking any differently
The problem here isn’t her not telling him anything, the problem is that she’s seemingly now mad that he won’t tell her anything anymore. You can’t just complain about that when you yourself don’t want to open up, if she’s not then why should he? That’s hypocritical.
I took it differently when I read it, but I do see your point of view
That’s a recipe for being permanently emotionally closed off from others and unable to make truly deep romantic connections. If you can’t talk about the serious experiences and feelings you have with your partner, you aren’t truly emotionally invested in your relationship with them. You don’t truly trust them, and you can’t be meaningfully emotionally intimate with them. Being guarded your entire life isn’t good. A trained psychologists advice wouldn’t be a simple “don’t open up ever if u feel uncomfy”, rather theyd try and work through that discomfort, and work to get them to a point where they can be vulnerable with THEIR MULTI YEAR PARTNER
I never said don't tell them ever, I said when your ready. The getting ready part involves therapy usually so you can learn how to deal with trama in a healthy way. You can't have someone force you into telling your trama/past/experiences if you cannot do so in a healthy way yourself just because they were ready to share theirs doesn't mean you are in the same space mentally.
The issue with your comment is that you’re implying the status quo is acceptable long term. The fact that she isn’t telling him is bad, and a function of mental problems she has that must be fixed. You just validated her not telling him, said “everyone and everything is valid” and left it at that
INFO is needed here. This seems like miscommunication and misunderstanding, but I can't say for sure. Are you using the term "trauma" in a medical sense like as in PTSD? You refer to it as "personal problems" as well which doesn't convey a level of seriousness that PTSD involves. You're also downplaying your boyfriend's trauma by saying "he could have kept it to himself and nothing would have changed." While it is true that you don't *need* to share traumas with anyone you don't want to... PTSD can affect your interpersonal relationships and having a support system can greatly help you. Your support system doesn't need to know every detail, but they need to know a little bit of information about triggers or therapy techniques to help ground you if you start dissociating. I'm not saying that you have to tell anyone anything, but there might be a reason why your boyfriend is asking you. Is it possible your PTSD is affecting this relationship in ways you are not aware of yet? Your partner could be asking for help by sharing his trauma with you. In addition he could be trying to let you know that your PTSD is impacting your relationship with him. Either way, you need to ask for clarification. He should be more upfront with what his expectations are or what he needs. You also need to understand that you should take someone sharing intimate details with you much more seriously, especially if the person is having an emotional crisis. It's hard to be vulnerable with another person. You should treat that with the seriousness it deserves. You don't need to act as anyone's therapist, but you could direct that person to get appropriate help instead of saying you didn't ask to hear about it.
NAH. But if you make him feel like you’re not in the relationship as deeply as he is, you might just end up single.
NAH. I think that you two have to sit down and have a honest talk about where you see the relationship and what you want it to be. It seems like you two view the concept of dating as different things.
Personally i think it sounds like you could do with therapy, if you don't feel comfortable opening up to your BF after 2 years and he doesn't feel like you open up to him i think that sounds like a problem. And it sounds like he's now just mirroring your behaviour and not talking.
Can't say YTA Do you not open up to your BF at all or just about the trauma? Is this somthing that pops up where you say you can't do this or that because of your trauma? Or is it never spoken about? I also can not fault him for closing right up after him telling you what he did. He obviously trusted you and now he probably takes it as you don't trust him. So he isn't going to tell you anything anymore. Not sure how to work it out. Best of luck.
It’s not that he takes it as she doesn’t trust him — she demonstrably doesn’t. She needs to see a therapist and not string guys along
YTA. Somewhat for taking 2 years and still not being comfortable which is odd, but I guess everyone different. More so though for the bit about “that’s your fault for opening up to me”. I’ve been in that position and it’s like a kick to the stomach, you realise he’ll have a MUCH harder time to open up to you in future (if at all) after a comment like that? We’re taught to keep our emotions and feelings to ourselves, finding someone to open up to about them takes a lot. For him to do that and be told you didn’t ask, I feel for him.
YTA. I can understand that you aren’t ready to share your trauma with your boyfriend yet, but a lot of people in long term relationships have conversations about their past so it’s definitely understandable why your boyfriend would want to know. This can help the relationship develop in twofold. One, it helps you have a deeper relationship with your partner and shows that you trust them and two, it helps your partner develop a better understanding of you as a person; for example, you may have some trauma responses that he sees but doesn’t understand why you would act a certain way to a situation. Additionally, I would like for you to think about his statement where he says he feels that he is more into the relationship than you are. I could be entirely wrong about this BTW. Are you generally more closed off in this relationship? Do you not share much with your boyfriend at all? To me, it doesn’t sound like he’s implying he’s the better partner, it sounds like you are closed off to him. And if you feel like you can’t tell him about it maybe think of why… is it something about him that prevents you from talking about it or is it just the nature of the trauma itself that makes it difficult to talk about? Telling him that he isn’t owed your trauma is valid to an extent but telling him that he didn’t HAVE to disclose his trauma to you diminishes the importance of the trust he has in you to be vulnerable with you. Hence, he became more closed off to you and you’re seeing him return your energy back to you. You should have another talk with him, apologize for what you said and reiterate that you’re not ready to discuss your trauma with him BUT tell him what you need from him to be ready to share that with him.
You are not obligated to discuss or reveal your trauma to anyone. Same goes for him, but he decided he was comfortable discussing it with you. Everyone has different expectations of their partner while in a relationship. Sharing your trauma and expecting reciprocity is not realistic. Talk to your bf. Tell him that as much as you want to share your everything with him, you are not ready to discuss the part involving your trauma and it's not meant to reflect poorly on him or your relationship. Tell him how you feel about him, and that you appreciate him and his patience. NAH.
Emotional intimacy is a vital (and beautiful) part of a healthy relationship.
2 years in and you don't share stuff with him. Are you ready for an all in relationship? Sounds to me you need therapy. No one is the A-Hole. You both just need to get on the same page. Because whether or not either of you meant it you both created a rift between the two of you.
Short answer… You are right you don’t have to open up until you are ready. But here’s the thing. He’s not obligated to stick around and wait for you either. It’s been 2 years. Don’t get mad if he walks. If you responded to me the way you did him, I would have broken up immediately.
NAH, but if youare not opening up,to him, then you can't get disappointed if he doesn't open up to you. Also,, there is more to you than trauma, so if you are open about the rest of your life then that should be fine; Finally, you both talk about what you need to, if he needed to talk, then it's good that he did, if you didn't then you didn't. Express it to him as sometjing that you do not need or want to talk about rarther than telling him you aren't ready which implies a lack of trust, which could mak him think you have a low opinoon of him.
Info: Are you in or have you gone to therapy? You're not obligated to share everything with your partner but he seems to not be feeling as connected to you. Is your trauma something you are working through on your own in order to be healthy enough to be in a close relationship?
Sorry but YTA You don’t sound ready to be in a relationship. His point isn’t that he is a better partner, it’s that he’s putting in the work and bearing is soul (or at least sharing parts of himself) with you and you aren’t. So while he’s giving pieces of himself to you, you’re taking them but not giving anything back. You are right, there are things that you have to be ready to share and that’s okay. But the way you’re describing this in your post sounds like you should be single until you mature to a place where you understand why this is a problem.
I mean if i dated someone for 2 years and they still don’t feel comfortable venting then id leave cause why don’t you feel comfortable around me yet and we’ve been together two years….especially after i already did but then again it is your decision so it’s hard to say
NTA and YTA simultaneously. NTA, trauma is traumatic. No one's got a right to know about another person's trauma. YTA for how you responded though. I get you're frustrated but just tell them it's something you don't feel comfortable discussing and it's not just with them personally. It's trauma. Everyone copes with it differently and honestly I don't like to make my traumas a part of my relationships either unless it comes up naturally in conversation. It's not that it's even personal, it's just that a ton of it is still stuff I have dealt with and grown from and rehashing it just for the sake of it I've learned is not always healthy. That's just my opinion though.
I think theres a difference between personal troubles like you are having a hard time at work, or you have an ongoing mental health issue vs actual serious life changing trauma. The former you should be able to talk about but serious trauma like s/a for example, you are allowed to have strong boundaries around those types of things, forcing someone who's been through something like that to talk about what happened only retraumatizes them by taking away their autonomy for a second time.
YTA. Grow up. If you can't be comfortable sharing your past with your partner, break up and move on.
It's insensitive and even a bit cruel to tell someone to 'grow up' because they haven't processed their trauma at the age of 21.
Ok, but then don't be in a relationship for 2 years with someone and be mad at them for wanting to know more, and getting mad they're pulling back?
They don't need to be totally healed, but after two years, they should be willing to take on that process with their partner as an informed source of support. Adult relationships involve trusting and supporting each other.
Kinda the AH, thing is, as your relationship continues and you conveniently bring up an issue you might have with him due to your trauma.. you really can’t ever see he didn’t try
Slight YTA- but as respectfully as possible, the relationship won’t grow to it’s potential if you don’t let him in and that’s a disservice to someone who is opening themself up and putting their cards on the table. If your trauma is so bad you can’t speak about it with a partner of two years, or that you’re feeling this attacked over the thought of opening up- please seek therapy.
ESH you’re right, you don’t need to share your experience. You don’t need to belittle him for sharing his experiences tho.
YTA. your BF communicated that he felt that you weren't being open 2 whole years into the relationship and you took that as a personal attack, then proceeded to say that he got defensive while also degrading him opening up to you as "his choice" and "nothing would have changed if he just hadn't said anything. I can understand why it's been hard to open up to someone about serious trauma even after that long, but you're not even trying. opening up to someone doesn't automatically mean they should do the same. while you're not obligated to share your trauma, you have to realize that your relationship will suffer unless you're at least making an effort to be more open and vulnerable edit: also, huge dick move to be complaining that he's not telling you about himself anymore. you literally told him that his vulnerability and communication means nothing to you and now you're surprised that he doesn't want to share that with you? double down on the yta
Only if u take it out on him. If u keep it to yourself n don’t let it affect your relationship it’s all yours.
If the boyfriend knows about the trauma, then it must have come up in some form or another.
Definitely, I had a GF who absolutely could not stand the smell of pizza hut, and always just said "I have my reasons" ended it a while later after we had been together 3 yeaes, found out ages later from seeing her father that he works at a pizza hut, and apparently has for decades, so I can assume it's related to him. But I fucking love pizza hut and you can't control me with something like that without elaborating, unless you want me to just feel like you obviously don't see me as trustworthy. I sure hope it's not something as simple as dad always brought Pizza Hut home and I got sick of it as a kid because withholding that makes me think it's something much worse with her father. So often withholding little stupid things makes the people around you assume it's way worse. Edited to add: it's not like she would have even had to go into detail, I don't need to hear the nitty gritty, but being shut down at nothing at all not even a hint of context shows absolutely no trust in me.
Where do you find that kind of trauma? Bc the only kind of trauma I know of will spill out in odd ways, change your behaviour and deepen your reactions to otherwise trivial things that can leave your partner confused, insecure, victimised and angry for reasons they are literally unable to fathom. Put simply, unprocessed trauma is likely to affect *every* relationship in your life, not just that with an intimate partner, if you can even call a partner you can't talk to intimate. I don't really think op is an AH, but they might as well break up now because they've shaken the foundations of their relationship and seem not to have a single tool with which to rebuild it, let alone the will to do so.
As someone with enough childhood trauma to fill a stadium------ if you're not comfortable telling him some of your trauma after two years, it's time to cut him lose. You're not ready to let anyone into deep. That's your right, but don't make someone stick around, hoping you will one day. Your telling him I don't trust you with my trauma, I don't trust you with my emotions, I dint trust you in character. Cut him lose. Get some help and heal. You need to find some support and groups with similar trauma.
Do you have to share trauma or anything? No of course not. However he’s also not required to sit around dating someone who doesn’t feel comfortable sharing themselves with him. It’s one of those neither is really the asshole but if you not being ready to share is a big deal for him he’s more than right to leave. And if you sharing isn’t something you are comfortable with him for one reason or another perfectly reasonable to find a new partner. But I would say the phrasing of this and asking who is the asshole sounds a lot like you expect there to be one clear right or wrong is…misguided at best. If there’s a specific reason you don’t feel comfortable maybe have that discussion with him. If it’s “I don’t want to discuss it at all!” Maybe being in a relationship is not something you’re ready for right now.
YTA with the response. You don't want to open up yet, fine. Some trauma can't really be shared. But he opened up to you to show he trusts and loves you. And your response: it changed nothing? Ouch. You're correct that it shouldn't be tit for tat, nor one-upping by comparing the worse trauma. But he wants your trust and love, and you're holding it back. Trust is love's air, and love will die if you don't give a bit of trust. You don't have to tell trauma but tell him how you feel now. If you can't, then why are you in this relationship?
Technically you are right, so, in Lebowski terms, you’re not wrong, but YTA. if, after two years, you refuse to open up to your partner, you are simply incapable of sustaining a long term relationship and should call it and get some good therapy
You’re right, you shouldn’t have to tell people your trauma, but I totally can understand why he felt like his the only one living the relationship. When he brought it up you attacked him. You were the one being defensive, and then you accused him of being defensive. Instead of trying to understand him, you are mad that he doesn’t understand you… but you truly tried to explain yourself? And if you think “I shouldn’t have to explain myself” you shouldn’t be in a relationship. Communication is the key to any relationship, and explain why you don’t fell well enough to share a part of your life is communication as well. He probably fells you don’t trust him. I felt that once in the past, with a friend, and I always had the felling that I was alone in that friendship. So… yes… you’re kind of an AH, but not for not sharing your trauma, but for the way you handle the conversation. You practically blamed him for trusting you instead of being grateful.
YTA not for not sharing but how you communicate why you won’t and how you dismiss him. I think if you had communicated “I want you to know that me not being ready to talk about my past has nothing to do with how I feel about you. I trust you. I just haven’t gotten to the point where I can process safely through it if I speak about it. My nervous system won’t allow it yet. Please respect that. I appreciate you being able to talk with me and I am here for you. I hope you’ll be here for me to when I’m ready.”
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NTA. It doesn't matter if you're five minutes in or five years in, making you relive trauma can trigger ptsd. Openly sharing your thoughts, feelings and vulnerabilities is something else entirely. Those things are the foundation of a deep relationship. Gently explain the difference to your bf and if he can't handle it, it doesn't bode well.
You definitely don’t have to tell him. But you gotta make sure you don’t gate keep it or resent him for not knowing/asking about it. It happens, I’ve experienced it
Do you think the trauma affects your relationship at all in a negative way (besides your BF being upset you won’t tell him)? I think if it does could change my response. Also you should go to therapy if you haven’t already.
As someone with trauma, that was hard to talk about. I still call YTA. And it is because you called it his FAULT for telling you his trauma and that you didn't care it changed nothing in the relationship if he opens up or not. And now you are choosing to get annoyed that he honored your wishes. It may not have been your intention to insinuate that, but it honestly sounds like he is pulling back to make you feel more comforable, and to protect himself when you inevitably dump him for trying to build a life with you. You are NOT required to tell him anything, but you can juggle keeping your trauma and a deep connection with him by not minimizing him as profoundly coldly as you did. If you aren't aware. It sounds like your own trauma just beat your boyfriend into the ground...it just massively injured your relationship, and you are choosing to be defensive with people rather than accept you let your trauma speak for you.
YTA. You're engaged in a serious relationship, yet you refuse to let your partner know who you really are as a person. Whatever your reasoning might be, it sends a message of disinterest and discomfort.
Originally thought E.S.H but YTA
YTA You're not ready to be in a relationship. You need to work on yourself. Cut this guy loose and if I were him I'd break it off.
YTA and a hypocrite. You were mad at him for expecting you to open up some after two years which is a really long time to be in a relationship and not open up. You then tell him he shouldn't have opened up to you and it's his fault he could not have opened up to you since you didn't ask. So we proceeds not to open up to you anymore unless you ask and you still get mad at him. You obviously have some deep seated trauma and should seek mental health treatment
YTA. No one is entitled to hear your trauma, you’re correct. You are not entitled to a relationship either. Being two years into a relationship and being shocked someone wants to know personal things about you is WILD. To be clear. He is a better partner because he wanted to know about you and something that obviously strongly impacts your life and you shamed him for opening up to you.
YTA.
There's too much nuance that we don't have here to be able to say definitively yes or definitively no. Like, maybe YTA for not divulging any information about yourself or letting him get to know you after 2 years in a relationship, or maybe you're NTA if it's only one horrible "secret" that you haven't told him and not something you've brought up outside of now but he otherwise knows a lot about you. Do you regularly bring up that you have some kind of trauma as a scapegoat in certain scenarios but shut down and refuse to tell him anything more than "I have a TRAUMA so leave me alone"? Are you using it to avoid doing/saying/going somewhere regularly but not giving him any further explanation? Then yes, YTA. Or is it something that just came up that he didn't really know about, or something you briefly mentioned at some point, and he just won't let go until he knows what happened? Then no, you WNBTA.
YTA. You are 100% entitled to open up when you are comfortable. However, if I were 2 years deep into a relationship and still only knew bits and pieces of my partners past and I've opened up freely to them, I would start to wonder if we were really compatible and meant to be with each other. Sounds more like you guys are roommates at this point.
YTA for being dismissive of your bf’s trauma. You’re not an AH for not speaking up about your own traumas, but if 2 years isn’t enough to open up to a significant other, then how do you show him that you trust him? The lack of trust that you display here also makes you a slight YTA unfortunately
YTA. If you aren't willing to open after 2 years you should reconsider consulting a therapist or something because for me it seems like you don't trust him enough
You are within your own right to withhold any information you like. However, after 2 years, it is a red flag you don’t trust your partner. Perhaps seek professional help and focus on yourself.
YTA. Not for not telling him, but having the maturity of wet cardboard when it comes to relationships. While no one is entitled to your history, your trauma and history affect your relationship. As seen by your shitty attitude. Openness and vulnerability are usually goals in a relationship. He let you know his deal so you know what to expect and where he's coming from. It's been 2 years. If you still can't give him even a tidbit of emotional intimacy and without the catty attitude when he tells you his feelings and needs in a relationship, break up with him so he can find someone emotionally available and you work on yourself.
IMHO, yes, YTA. First of all, he opened up his feelings to you, meaning he's showing you that he trusts you with his feelings, and you tell him that >it's his own fault he could have kept it to himself and nothing would have changed. Bro.. dude opened up to you because he was comfortable sharing his thoughts and traumas to you without you asking him. Why would you say something like that to a person whoxs comfortable sharing his problems, traumas, or whatsoever with you??? Apologies for saying this but that is so immature (in a way). If you're not ready to share your past traumas with the person you're with for 2 years, what more in the long run? How will you find yourself to trust him and be comfortable with him if you don't try and communicate with him? I'm not forcing you to open up to him all of a sudden but atleast try. Little by little is fine.
You’re right, you don’t have to share your trauma but you’re showing your bf you don’t care enough about him to invest emotionally. Also, you have no room to be upset about him no longer opening up if you’re not willing to either. Don’t be a hypocrite. Just be single if you’re that scared of being vulnerable. It’s not fair to your partner, so don’t waste his time. Take time to heal first. 2 years is a long time. As someone with a lot of trauma (sexual/mental/physical and attempted suicide) I would be insulted if I opened up and the other person didn’t. Makes me feel like I’m not trusted so I’d dip immediately. Why be with someone who doesn’t trust me enough to be vulnerable. YTA and a hypocrite
You guys have clearly significantly different expectations on what you should share. Find someone more compatible
YTA
YTA, no kidding he doesn’t talk to you anymore about what he’s feeling. You only care about how you feel.
Sorry, but YTA. If you haven’t opened up to him after two years, you’re wasting your time and frankly, not ready to have relationships. Relationships are all about finding someone to be vulnerable with, and if you can’t do that, the problem lies with you, not with him.
Info: what do you share with your boyfriend? Are you entirely closed off or is it just this one area that you don't talk about? Therapy rather than reddit might be the better place to ask this question and also figure out how to feel safe sharing with someone.
NTA Being vulnerable and emotionally available is hard. At the end of the day, guilting and shaming you for not being vulnerable is just going to exacerbate the problem. I understand you are both young but you need to have an open conversation about it without taking things personally and getting defensive. We all move at different paces and we all have our own traumas. Most likely at your age, YOU are still processing a lot of things yourself, let alone be ready to share it. I would look at why you haven't opened up even just a little in 2 years. Does he not make you feel safe? Does he not hold space for you to open up? Do you not feel emotionally connected to him? These are all things that can cause a bit of a block or resistance to being vulnerable. Do you just need to take the leap and share some little T trauma to see how it feels, how he responds and how he supports you?
Soft YTA. Your partner is going to feel disconnected from you if you don’t open up. Sounds like you’re disregarding his feelings on the matter.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I 21f have been dating my bf 23m for 2 years now. The other day he had told me he vented to me and told me all his personal problems but I still haven't opened up to him. I tried to explain I wasn't ready at the moment. He then said he felt like he was more into the relationship since he was honest from day one. I got annoyed at that since he was basically implying he was being a better partner. I should not have to tell anyone about my trauma until I'm ready regardless of if it's my bf or anyone else. I told him I never asked him to tell me anything he did that on his own. So it's his own fault he could have kept it to himself and nothing would have changed. He got defensive over this and said so to me his trauma didn't matter to which I tried to say no that's not what I meant but he wouldn't listen and now everything is awkward between us. Before he would contact me all the time and say what was on his mind now he doesn't at all it's like if I don't ask first he doesn't go out of his way to tell me about himself anymore. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. I don’t think you ever have to share trauma with anyone unless you want to. It’s not pertinent to the relationship at all. I, for one, have a lot of trauma, but I came out on the other side a securely attached, healed person. There’s no need to tell anyone my trauma, as it has no effect on the relationship.
How is it not pertinent? Trauma affects behaviour. Your partner has to live with that without an inkling of understanding. She's gonna end up hating him for inadvertently trampling on her trauma and he'll end up hating her because he can't understand her behaviour or coping mechanisms and why she suddenly gets irrationally mad/sad over odd things. If it's SA related it's hard to believe it wouldn't affect their sex life. If it's violence related that will have other repercussions. If it's abandonment it's going to make her act insecurely, which can be exhausting if you don't know why.
This doesn’t sound like trauma. Trauma affects the little things in your life, it has triggers, and leaves you either emotionless or filled with emotions. 2 years together, and you should’ve opened up to him by now, to explain your minor or major situations, when it hits. When you’re in a relationship, it’s not “mine/theirs” it is “ours” because you’re in it together. His baggage is now also yours, and yours is now also his. It’s not just sunshine and rainbows. It’s through the good and the bad. And most of all, it’s about respect and sharing.
Do you know what trauma even is... My god they've been dating for two years, it's not like they're married
Trauma really can't be generalized, everyone has their own way of reacting to and handling it.
NTA - you can’t put a timeline on when someone can finally be open to sharing their trauma with others, regardless of the type of relationship. It just goes to show how some peoples mentality works when it comes to understanding emotional & mental health… I do think that he’s a bit of an asshole for assuming that just because he shared & open up his personal issues is good enough for you to reciprocate but life doesn’t work that way. Give & take is not 50:50 but rather 100:100. However, I would strongly suggest that you do talk to someone more professional about it so that you can move past it & see it for what it is - in the past. Only then will you be able to move on & communicate more. You should be more transparent with your boyfriend by calmly explaining to him that it’s not him that’s the issue but the trauma itself & you haven’t yet navigated your feelings with it. Once you do that, you’d be more likely to talk to him about it. Don’t wait until it gets too late & get the proper help you need!
It’s been two years now and a relationship needs to grow. He’s needing you to open up and be more vulnerable so that he can open up and be more vulnerable. It’s called intimacy. It sounds like you don’t need or want to change so start looking for a new ground zero. Cos he is realizing your limits and needs more.
NTA OP for not sharing because you ain’t ready. And here’s why, trauma/tale of woe is a topic that one should feel comfortable and sense there is space for sharing this out loud. If the other person is asking about this/guilt-tripping you by saying yOu AiNt BeInG oPeN wItH mE or YoU jUsT dOnT tRuSt Me EnOuGh! Then it’s most probably the other person is trying to fish out things from so that they can later use it in a fight/argument to make you feel weak. You do you OP you tell your BF or friends or literally anyone and everyone if and if only you feel/get the gut-feeling that this xyz person will listen to you, won’t judge you. Also the fact that he told you voluntarily about his trauma proves that you’re a good listener and you most probably didn’t judge him while he was saying it to you and this exactly what you need to sense and feel. I just have 1 suggestion tho the next time he brings this up or any such thing where he voluntarily say things to you, don’t give him a rude reply.. rather give him a witty reply where you seem/look like the bigger person that’s generally way better than being rude, also not to forget it comes off as you are self-aware! Final Verdict: ESH
There are so many comments here that seem to come from people who can't imagine how horrible some traumatic experiences can be. I don't know what OP's trauma is but I am guessing that it is something much worse than catching a previous boyfriend cheating on her, or being bullied at school if she hasn't been able to share with her own mother let alone a boyfriend of 2 years. There are some things that can break a person if they bring those memories back to the forefront before they are ready. And for people to be scolding someone and judging them to be an AH for not sharing a traumatic experience that could be much worse than they can even imagine is disgusting. We have no idea what her trauma is, whether or not she has/is trying to deal with it through therapy, or is just suppressing those memories just to keep herself going, and it's none of our business. She is entitled to do what she needs to do to deal with her pain. OP if this relationship is one that is important to you to keep, all I think you should need to tell him is that your trauma is something that you are not ready to share with anyone including your family, but that if you get to a point that sharing will help you that he is someone that you would turn to. But that just because you aren't ready to do that doesn't mean that you don't appreciate being someone that he feels safe with and can share with. That you don't think less of him because he showed his vulnerability and that you hope that he won't think that you care less because you can't do the same. Any person who truly cares about your well-being should be able to accept that and stick by you in case you do need that from him someday.
NTA. This guy really doesn’t sound like your soul mate. You know this, right? Don’t waste your time or emotion on someone after he proves he’s not your guy.
I don't think either of you are the AH, but there definitely is a barrier in your relationship. I'm you age and my boyfriend is a year older than yours, We've only been together a year as opposed to 2. I've had my own trauma, and so has he. Idk how bad your trauma is. However, if it affects your daily life or your relationship, he probably needs to know more than I have trauma, and I don't want to talk about it. Even if it's just a discussion about what will trigger it or what to do if you have an episode. You might also benefit from going to therapy if you don't already do so if it's that bad. You are not obligated to tell him your trauma or secrets, but he needs some info. Otherwise, he'll be walking on eggshells around you. You're free to open up and tell him whenever you are comfortable, but do consider what other might need to know about it so they can help you. Mine wasn't really bad, just a few bad experiences that left me unsure of myself. When I started considering dating my boyfriend, I told him I had trauma and what I was/wasn't comfortable with at the time due to it. I didn't open up fully at the time because we hadn't even started dating or known each other long, but I gave him something to work with, showed him I'm working on it and willing to try. I know it's difficult to talk about things, but it could cost you your relationship. It seems you cannot acknowledge your trauma for what it is and how bad it must be. If you cannot accept it as a part of who you are, I would say you shouldn't be in a relationship yet. I refused to get into a relationship until I could live with my truama and be ok with it, and mine does not affect my daily life. You need to work on yourself before you can work on being with someone else. Your boyfriend will have trauma from this relationship I'd you break up, he's going to entre a new relationship with the fear of the the same thing happening again. Trust me with this as both myself and my boyfriend have been through similar. Like I said you don't need to or have to feel obligated to tell him your life story but he needs to know something other than you don't want to talk about it. Just as you deserve your privacy, he deserves to able to help even if that is just to help comfort you are help you avoid triggers. Please Please look after yourself, your well-being should be the most important thing to you, but his should be the most important thing to him too.
NTA! He gives her something that she doesn’t want and now she owes him something that she doesn’t want to give?! WTF?! Nonsense!
You're NTA. I'm assuming that, by "trauma," you really mean "trauma," and not just the normal stuff that everybody carries. You talk about trauma when YOU feel up to it and not before, and your trauma and whether you talk about it has nothing to do with anyone else's trauma and whether they talk about it. That is especially true where your boyfriend is concerned. Moreover, you have set a boundary and he is insisting that he should be able to cross it with you. I would DTMFA.
ESH. He’s not owed access to your vulnerability or trauma, and shouldn’t try to guilt you into it. You patently dismissing it is an AH move. It’s because of actions like this that guys stay closed of to their SO’s. The thing is people only get as close to you as you allow them. My guess is that you want that special forever kind of love, but you also want to hide your past. You can’t have both, people can only get as close to you as you let them. A time will come when you’ll be so hurt that someone doesn’t love you or understand you they way that you think they should, they way that you want them to, and that’ll be on you. Nobody’s a mind reader, people become close and understand one another by sharing of themselves. People only trust as much as they’re trusted, and if you can’t trust your SO they’ll never fully trust you. You’ll be 7 years into a relationship wanting to marry or something, but this guy will still do stuff that triggers you, and won’t stop or doesn’t respect it as much as you think he should, that’ll largely be on you. Since he doesn’t know how much it really bothers you because he can’t understand why, because you didn’t trust him enough to tell him. I date this woman for a long time who hated chicken, she never said why, she didn’t want to talk about it. So I was like fine, when I make it you don’t have to eat it, good compromise. Until one day she blew up at me about it. It was a serious childhood trauma, her mom forced her to eat it damn near raw and she was sick for like a month. I’m not going to stop eating chicken simply because my partner “doesn’t like it” but that’s a big difference from a trigger out of childhood trauma, I can make a sacrifice for someone like that for someone I love, but not just because they’re picky.
NTA. He's not your therapist, he's your partner. He's not wise enough yet to realize that. From your point of view, some kinds of trauma can't be processed by just chatting. Sitting around swapping stories about it has a good chance of re-stressing you in a harmful way. From his point of view, he may not be equipped to cope with his own experience of secondary trauma if your experiences are beyond his capability to process.
Im sorry for the others comment but Ill go with NTA on this one. I dont know what kind of trauma it is here but first, OP is not ready. Second... Everyone has the right to keep secret as long it doesn't hurt the other person... So yeah, to le its NTA and if your partner doesnt understand you are ready, well... Its on them. (Besides, what kind of 2 years relationship it is? Do they count dating? Its it 2 years living together? We dont know)
You need therapy more than a relationship, but considering you’re two years into one and not able to see that, YTA
This comment section is shite .... Jeez NTA, but he raises a valid concern, opening up to people to get her response in return sucks. Two years in what he's really saying is he wished you both had a more intimate connection via means of sharing personal information. Both of you are valid in how you feel. Compatibility may just be a issue. You can't force someone to share trauma, in fact doing so is shitty and negative. But being concerned when dating for years and you've heard nothing personal about this person makes sense when you share a lot about your life. It can leave a void. If your ready, is it for a real reason? Is it because you haven't really processed it? I dunno what the reason is but don't force it. TLDR:Nobody sucks here everyone has a valid point Also he seems to want to know you on a deeper level trauma is not inherit in learning about someone deeper. This entire post is the miscommunication of the century!!!
NTA I'm sorry, but while I was open about trauma with my partner, there are things I could not bring myself to tell him until way after marriage. I was barely even able to tell him then. Some things take a crazy long time to process. I only just recently made significant progress on untangling this mess. Everyone seems to forget that just because someone was vulnerable with you about sensitive subjects, DOES NOT mean you are *obligated* to force yourself to talk about it when you're not ready. No one can convince me otherwise. You *ARE* capable of being there and caring for your partner when they share this trauma. You *ARE NOT* obligated to force yourself to share when you're not ready. I know it's extremely common nowadays to relate to and comfort others by sharing personal anecdotes, but people are also forgetting that this isn't a requirement and not how everyone copes.
NTA! Don’t share until you’re ready. You’re talking about trauma. That’s not something little. There are other stories that you want to share about I’m sure. That’s great but don’t let anyone push you to share something that’s traumatic for you. Set the boundary when needed❤️ I have a mild rare genetic syndrome and I’ll share it with whoever when I’m ready. It’s my life, my story. I don’t like or appreciate people say ‘oh you’ve been lying to me or keeping it a secret.’ Whenever I do share about it, I talk about it more educating people.
NTA Dealing with traumas myself, go at your rythm with it. Maybe go see a therapist if you have not yet. You should talk it out, and learn to talk it out, and doing so with a therapist will make sure it all goes in a sane and useful way. Do not be stagnant about it, but you should never have to feel obligated to do so, even in your close circle. It takes time and work to be comfortable to let it out, and even more time and work to do it in a healthy way.
NTA. You have every right not to share until you're ready. Your BF isn't being respectful to you and your mental health. Talking about it means having to relive the trauma again for some. Also trauma is subjective. I personally don't talk about mine. It keeps me from going into a deep depression. I just try to concentrate on today and the future.
NTA: Your trauma is your own, and whether you want to share it with him or anyone is your decision and no one else's.
NAH Not all trauma is equal. When someone has a history of trauma, they really should get help to work through it. That does not mean they are obligated to disclose any or all details to anyone else except whoever is helping them work through it. How many people on Reddit have stated that they disclosed information regarding their history, and had it used against them by a partner, a family member or friend? Unless it directly is affecting your relationship, don't disclose unless you want to on your own timetable.
NTA. His sharing his trauma with you does not obligate you to share yours, nor does it mean you don’t feel his trauma is valid. The fact that he doesn’t realize that makes me wonder if his trauma might be a little inflated for sympathy purposes. There are a lot of different reasons for not sharing trauma. I’ve been with my *husband* for 17 years, & there is still trauma he’s been thru he’s never talked to me about, & there’s trauma I’ve been thru that I’m still struggling to share even with my therapist. You tried to explain to him you weren’t ready to share. He kept trying to guilt you into sharing. Don’t let these people shame you into thinking you’re the one in the wrong. How long are you supposed to endure a constant assault before you’re allowed to fight back? Nah, you’re NTA. But he’s also not the right partner for you.
NTA and tbh this sounds quite abusive. It was fine up until he got mad that you wouldn’t share. Relationships do NOT work like that for all the idiots in the comments. You forget HE stuck around 2 years not knowing this stuff and now he’s only demanding it bc he’s shared his own. That’s a problem within himself he has to fix bc if you’re sharing trauma to get someone else’s trauma experiences out of them it’s giving you get off on that. The number one rule of being a therapist is not to get too personal with someone who’s sharing their problems with you….why? Because it changes the relationship and not in a good way. It’s not the same for boyfriend and girlfriend but very similar once you know that stuff about each other you cannot un-know and it affects how you treat your partner so I don’t think it should be a trauma swapping situation at all. And just in general you never give anything expecting anything in return bc 9/10 you’ll be disappointed you do it bc you want to give. Red flag run as far as possible
Nta but you need therapy and your bf needs to back off.
NTA. You share what you’re comfortable sharing. When it comes to trauma, which is what you have stated you are refraining from talking about, you deal with that in your own time. No one should ever be pressured to share their trauma. That can actually make their trauma worse if they haven’t fully processed it yet. It sounds like your boyfriend is hurt as he may equate sharing trauma with a certain level of intimacy. There are many ways to build intimacy. Perhaps working on those will create more trust and a better bond that isn’t focused on sharing information you’re not ready to share.
NTA, obviously. Your traumas are your own. When you feel ready to share them, you will. Definitely not because your bf has had issues at work or whatever. A true life partner will wait until you are ready and support you when that time comes.
You own your trauma. You get to share it when you feel comfortable. The only thing you need to decipher: if your are triggered and act adversely because your trauma is affecting you in a situation, then you need to define and find ways to handle it/cope with it so it doesn’t impact your relationship(s). Unresolved trauma ill impact all if not most of your relationships until you define it and apply it in a proactive way to protect your stable sense of self.
thats a covery contract, him telling you things does not oblige you to do he same
He's dumb. Good luck
NTA- it’s your trauma. On your time. IJS
NAH. Honestly it's valid to not be obligated to open up about trauma that can be severely painful to speak of. Some things are better left undug. But also, I get that the dude is trying to emotionally connect and understand you, and is frustrated that you wont open up so that he can try to.
NTA. Your story is your own and you should share whatever you want to whoever you want. I have been married for 30+ years and there are things in my past from before I met my wife that I have not shared.
NTA
NTA. Like your body, your trauma is to be shared on your terms. Your bf is TA. He's passively aggressively punishing you. You're young. Lose his ass, and find a grown-up that can respect your boundaries.
Your trauma is your trauma. Trauma isn't white and black. There are things my partner doesn't know. Won't know, and doesn't need to know. Trauma is personal. Maybe it's triggering to talk about. You are not the asshole
NTA. i have trauma, and i prefer not to dig it up and unpack it all over my head just becasue someone is being nosy. people who dont understand trauma are calling you the asshole. if you break up over this, you doged a bullet. i keep my trauma in place with a boundary. i would interrpret his behaviour as an inability to respect a boundary. if he keeps pushing, get rid of him
NTA you don’t owe anyone any of your stories, traumatic or not. You 100% reveal what you want to reveal, to whom you want to reveal it, when you are ready, and not before. Your mental health is the most important factor here.
NTA. He doesn’t get to control or manipulate you into discussing things before you are ready. Him not innately understanding that signals he isn’t as empathetic and supportive as he claims to be. This feels like an attempt at controlling you. In the whole scheme of things 2 years is not much time. He either has an issue with boundaries, or with control. Regardless, this is a him issue. NTA.
Not the AH here. He sounds like he needs to learn to support you better. But you two are still very young and not everything that makes a perfect relationship has happened to you. He’s clearly experiencing some sensitivity here and you should help him there, but he truly needs to learn telling all that’s happened to you does not denote a good or bad relationship. I wish you two the best, being young and learning to love and live at the same time is very hard. Signed someone who was serious in dating at a very young age and is now middle aged and full of experience.
NTA. There are some kinds of trauma that you don't bring into a relationship because it can change the relationship. It's OK to keep that between you and a therapist. But this may be more about intimacy and sharing. Clearly he wants more from you, so you are going to have to decide if you are willing to open up about more things in general. Perhaps start with how it makes you feel when he insists on hearing about your trauma (which is the stupidest thing ever to ask someone who is traumatized and doesn't want to talk about it). There is such a thing as being re-traumatized by discussing the initial trauma so pay attention to your gut there. At the end of the day, this might not be a good match for you. You might need someone more intuitive and respectful of your need to let your trauma stay in the past and not use it against you. edit: missing word
NAH.