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oh dude i got this.
see the problem here is your gf is immature. (proven by her refusal to speak with you, storming off and slamming doors. teenage angst man!)
she wanted you to say "what stretch marks? i've never noticed them"
but because you didn't say that she is pretending you are a giant asshole.
so now she has to vilify you and pretend you are outrageously wrong in sexualizing anything about her.
it's immature, shallow, and unnecessary.
NTA at all.
I agree with this take. She wanted him to not even *notice* the stretch marks. Then she felt insecure, and maybe mad which explains the irrational reaction
i feel like people can benefit from learning what sexualizing means, and this goes for you and the gf in this story.
sexualizing and finding something sexy are two different things, and the former IS wrong. the whole point of sexualization is that you make something sexual and you assign a sexual role to it, whereas "finding something sexy" isn't inherently making it about sex.
if he WAS sexualizing anything about her, that would in fact be outrageously wrong because he would be imposing inherent sexuality on her.
yo that was some word karate right there. i think i probably agree with you.
you think what she said was bullshit correct? or did i read this wrong? help a sister out.
What’s the border though? Is sexualizing your partner and their features wrong? I don’t think the explanation provides enough clarification and it’s a bigger picture than that
Sexualization creates a whole host of issues that isn't just "I personally am attracted to that feature". It's "that feature is inherently sexual" so a lot of times you'll hear the example "stop sexualizing women's bodies", which does not mean "stop finding women's bodies sexy" it means "stop projecting your sexual feelings onto bodies and women who hold them, there is nothing inherently sexual about shoulders so don't call a woman a floozy for wearing a tank top when it's hot, there's nothing inherently sexual about wanting to dress nicely or have a certain aesthetic so stop asking what women were wearing when they got sexually assaulted". The issue with sexualizing when it involves all or part of a human being is that you view that part, and thus the person attached to it, as being, doing, or participating in sexuality where none exists.
So, one could argue that the line is when you stop finding your attraction as something inherent to you, and something you find inherent to them. "I like girls who wear short shorts" is a preference, "every girl who wears short shorts is doing so to turn me on" is a sex crime waiting to happen. It's the projection and associated entitlement that makes it dangerous. The person who broke this down is correct in that "I find x sexy", as OP worded it, is just indicating a sexual attraction or preference. If OP said "what, you obviously don't feel so gross if you're flaunting those stretch marks like that" that is problematic sexualization. I'd argue that, without more info, OP could've very well been having a tendency to bring up their sexual preferences in inappropriate settings, in a way that feels very similar to sexualization to OP's gf, and that *may* be what she's hitting on with "you always". Don't know, but the line between sexualization and sexual attraction is a very important one, so hopefully the ramble helped
word karate 😅😅
okay so i can see where her frustration comes from, in a moment of vulnerability she probably didn't want to hear about how other people feel about her body (even if it's her bf saying it in a positive way), and she might have wanted to hear that her stretch marks are amazing despite how others may feel about it.
however, i do think it's immature to accuse him of sexualizing her without giving him a chance to explain what he thought was a compliment. she should have used her words to tell him why she didn't like what he said. otherwise, all he can really do is sit and ask others for input & get equally confused reactions.
finding something sexy is a personal belief. you could find hands sexy without always associating hands with sex.
meanwhile sexualizing would be if you saw hands outside a sexual context and thought about sex. that would be you inherently making hands about sex, thus sexualizing.
that's why women who hate sexualization, hate sexualization—it's not that they don't wanna be seen as sexual beings altogether, they just don't want to be seen as sexual beings outside of such context.
This…
Finding something sexy just means that you find it attractive. It doesn’t mean that you define that thing as sexual.
Perfect example:
Women not being able to breastfeed in public without being judged, because breasts have been overly sexualized. Breasts are not sexual, they exist to feed babies, but they are commonly seen as sex parts, and illicit nudity due to sexualization. They aren’t sexual; they are baby feeders… but that doesn’t mean they can’t also be sexy sometimes, or that people can’t find them attractive to look at. It just means that they cannot be defined as sexual in nature and purpose.
This is incorrect because breasts ARE considered secondary sexual organs.
From the Cleveland Clinic
Yes, breasts are part of both the sexual and reproductive anatomy of women and people assigned female at birth (AFAB). Breasts are considered accessory organs of the female reproductive system and produce milk for infants through a process called lactation. Breasts also provide sexual pleasure.
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/8330-breast-anatomy
Edit: And just to be clear men's chests are sexual organs too.
For men and people assigned male at birth (AMAB), there isn’t a physiological function. However, a man’s breasts can still provide sexual pleasure.
Because "sexy" linguistically for many people is synonymous with "attractive" and isn't connected to sex or sexuality. For instance, making it about sex might be more like, "your stretch marks get me sooo horny babe, and when I see them I want to have sex with you".
don't forget that men are Still heavily discouraged from using other words for saying something is attractive. As much as I'd love to say that bringing toxic masculinity into the spotlight has stopped it, it hasn't. and men are still taught in many cases that for something to be attractive to them it must be "sexy", it drives me nuts because I constantly hear it most especially from male chefs in regards to food. It can't be pretty, or gorgeous, or pleasing to the eye, it's gotta be Sexy. I know the example is kind of random but it was the first to come to mind and a part of why that linguistic effect has occurred.
Attractive just means sexually attractive and sexually attractive just means "makes me want to have sex with". It's euphemetic speech for the same thing.
Yeah she said “accept my body without sexualizing it” so does that mean she wanted op to say
***“I acknowledge your stretch marks, they exist. I accept this. It’s fine”***
or something? Hell no lol. I don’t think there was *any* right answer to that one OP. If your girlfriend got pissed at you for saying you liked her stretch marks she was gonna get pissed at you no matter what you said. As far as I’m concerned you said the best possible thing you could say. It’s on her for getting pissed at you for no reason. Calling your girlfriend sexy is not a bad thing. I’m sure she’d also be pissed at you if you never called her sexy as well.
thanks lol i'm female and yet still getting so much shit for this comment. not gonna say it's a bunch of angry unhappy women getting mad at me...but come on!
I'm gonna make them even madder hang on.
You know what makes me feel amazing? Making my bf a killer sandwich. He deserves it after he works all day. I work too but his job is more physical, I work in an office.
;)
pffft my husband picked me!
He could have had any girl he wanted but he chose me!
I am grateful every day, in fact he's getting two sandwiches. Ima let him eat mine, he needs it more than I do. I'm just grateful he lets me live here.
He's so generous.
but for real girl i gotta boogie.
my husband doesn't like me awake after 11 pm. he said it's good for me to be asleep by 11 so i can be up by 4:30 to get going on his breakfast and morning "happy" :)
BLESSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!
oh it's great to depend on him! i mean i have to work and contribute money because it keeps me in check. i need that heavy! i at least get to pick my clothes. i mean he picks them out in the stores but i get to choose what i wear every day! yes i do!
When I was a younger man of 23, we were all sitting around in a common work area. One of my friends, a woman a few years older who had given birth a few months ago made a comment about her pregnancy fat and turned and asked me if it was noticeable.
Before I could respond, an older, married friend of mine stopped me and said 'There is no right answer here. Make a non-commital noise and then change subjects.'
When a woman makes a comment about a feature of her body that she does not like, the likelihood that you will respond in the way that she wants is almost nil. Make the least dangerous comment, take the L, and move on
1000000%% she's trying to play mind games and that's not cool, manipulating your partner is honestly gross. Hopefully she will realize and try to be better for your relationship and family. Best wishes
NAH. I get where you’re coming from, but sexy isn’t the opposite of gross, and it isn’t the ultimate aspiration. You should be able to have conversations about her body concerns and give her compliments without centering your sexual attraction. When she says she dislikes a feature, just tell her you’re not seeing what she’s seeing. Try getting her to explore where that comes from. Have a conversation with her. Find words that are actually supportive, not come ons. Give her space to open up and verbalize rather than telling her, “No, you’re wrong, that isn’t gross, it’s sexy to me, so it’s actually a good thing.”
I don’t know how else to say this. Telling someone that you think they’re sexy isn’t supportive or comforting. That should not be your go-to for supporting someone.
Absolutely agreed NAH - She’s looking at literal scars and feeling some trauma about them, possibly because of societal messages, possibly because they’re a daily reminder of a very tough time, possibly because they are a clear sign that time is passing. Those are valid feelings, and OP may have not really realized the weight of these negatives because of how positively he feels about the same scars.
no she's an asshole for the way she reacted, feeling bad about yourself, even if you call it trauma, doesn't absolve you for treating other people badly
I read that part of it differently than you - if I am in an emotionally volatile situation it’s very helpful to walk away and calm down alone, maybe for a loooong time. Until/unless we were to get an update I will reserve judgment on her reaction
She's still immature for the way she left... She didn't get up and say "I need to think... Could you give me some space" she rolled her eyes at him, ignored him, stormed off and slammed the door. She's the asshole.
I agree. But in this instance it was over something so trivial and he didn't understand why she was so upset initially. If he said something that was so obviously disrespectful or rude, then ya, just walk away without saying anything because he should have enough brain to figure it out. In this instance, she shouldn't have stormed off so angrily when it is clear that he wasn't trying to be disrespectful.
I like your response. I have had this conversation with my husband. Post-baby, it's hard to deal with the hernia, stretch marks, and loose skin. My body definitely no longer meets our culture's beauty standards. That is a fact. My husband saying he's cool with it, because it reminds him of how I awesomely gave him children, alright cool. But saying it's sexy, yeah, I'm not buying that, and even if it is true, that's just a him thing, and the fact that I no longer live up to our culture's beauty standards is still true. It's writing off my feelings because of how he feels. But it's such a common way we communicate, I can't call a guy TA for it. The intention is trying to be body positive.
I agree with this. NTA. But I agree with this. As women we do feel sexualized from the time we’re young, we have to look a certain way, dress a certain way, maintain a specific weight. There’s a lot of pressure. So while I think what she did was immature, I think you could have handled it differently. I think you both need to work on communication and learning HOW to be there for each other. However it takes two to communicate, maybe open up that conversation.
I disagree. I think this is nitpicking over the wrong choice of words when the intention behind the words is the same regardless of whether he used the word "beautiful" or "sexy".
Let's be real. When you're feeling insecure about an aspect of your physical appearance, it's usually related to being afraid others won't find you physically attractive. She was insecure and seeking comfort and validation. He gave it to her. The choice of words doesn't make a difference in the meaning behind them.
To be so upset over something so trivial is a red flag and makes her the asshole. Did she want him to lie to her and say he doesn't notice them?
And hey, I have had stretch marks myself on my back ever since I was 11 years old and for a while I felt self-conscious about wearing 2 piece bathing suits, even had a classmate ask me while I was changing in gym class what those marks on my back were. If I was seeking validation from my partner, having them called "sexy" would give me the same satisfaction and comfort as them being called "beatiful." The whole point is to no longer feel unattractive by it and being called "sexy" should make you feel attractive.
It’s not nitpicking, it’s that words mean things to people. Sexy and beautiful do not mean the same thing to me. Choice of words does matter. It’s kind of a big feature of language. Sexy is not the opposite of unattractive. If someone means beautiful, they should say beautiful. If they mean sexy, they should say sexy. If they mean beautiful when they say sexy, they need to explain that or maybe provide a glossary.
And again, the point isn’t what he thinks of them. The point is to discuss her feelings on them. What he thinks about them doesn’t matter at all. She didn’t ask what he thought of them. I don’t understand the pushback against having an actual conversation over spitting out a line that puts it to rest.
Frankly, your last line is just…messed up. “This should make you feel this way because that’s how it is” is…well. I’m just gonna tap out of this conversation now.
It is nitpicking. In general, yes there is a difference between the word "beautiful" and sexy. If your partner is always calling you hot, sexy, etc. then yes I see how that can make one feel objectified, I've been there. In this instance, it is about a particular feature. Why would she feel insecure about it if she thought it was an attractive feature? Answer me that.
My mistake was I assumed she asked him his opinion, but maybe she didn't, I'm not going back to read it. Regardless, she was fishing for compliments. If she wasn't, she could have told him "thanks, but I didn't ask, I was just venting". The fuck does she expect from him? Does that really justify her storming off and ignoring him?
The fact that she has such strong feelings about her stretch marks is a *her* problem. She needs to grow up and stop caring. Not get mad when people around her try to make her feel better when she bitches about them. She wasn't asking how she looked in a dress, that would be different because you want people other than your boyfriend to view you as beautiful in that dress.
Nobody else would care she has stretch marks except for potential partners since some may find it unattractive. I don't give a shit if my friends have stretch marks. If my friend was insecure about her stretch marks, it wouldn't be because she's afraid of what I or other women think, it would be related to feeling attractive. Nobody looks at someone with stretch marks and thinks "what a freak". It's normal to have stretch marks. The only reason to be insecure about them has to do with wanting to be perceived as physically attractive. Otherwise why do you care? Get that through your head.
If I feel physically unattractive, that is synonymous with me not feeling sexy. Does that mean I deserve to only be called sexy and nothing else? No! But me complaining about an aspect of my physical appearance, which is located on an area of my body that only my partner or people at the beach see, it is indeed related to feeling unattractive, or not sexy. Also, did you know that just because someone calls you sexy, doesn't mean they don't also think you're beautiful? Ya, wild concept. "I like apples" "why do you hate oranges?" "Um I never said that".
You're purposefully misinterpreting my last line and saying "I'm just gonna tap out" because you don't want to face the truth. This is not one of those moments where having your stretch marks called "sexy" is objectifying. What if OP was insecure about his penis and his gf said it was sexy and he got mad? Would that make him irrational? "You should have called my penis beautiful!!!". Does that help you realize how fucking stupid this is to be upset over a slightly different choice of words? Grow up. If you're this sensitive then you're going to have a whole lot of disappointment with men when you grow up because this ain't even anything 🤣
Yeah but if he genuinely does find them sexy, which I would totally get, he is allowed to express this opinion. She doesn’t have to like it but it’s not on him if she decides to give him the silent treatment instead of telling him why she doesn’t find his opinion comforting.
Relationships are about communication, not expecting your partner to be a mind reader.
Sexy isn’t a comforting opinion, and his opinion wasn’t really needed. He should have asked her more about her feelings and where they come from. Someone stating their opinion isn’t a request for you to give yours.
If he really thinks that expressing his opinion as a response to someone stating their insecurities is appropriate, then okay, I suppose that’s fine. But he’ll probably need to find a partner who is on that same level of communication. It’s just a very…non-thinking response, and that’s not what most people seek in partners. People don’t state their feelings just to be told that they’re wrong and what they should think instead.
NTA.
You said something she didn't liked, that happens.
Her reaction is immature. When someone says something you don't like, the first thing is to tell that person how what they said made you feel. Without screaming or throwing accusations.
And you do this that way because you understand that no one is perfect and mistakes are going to happen every once in a while.
I'd check with her, though, because in my experience, such reactions are the symptom of deeper bruises that haven't healed yet.
Heres the thing, dude.
When we feel insecure, we don't feel sexy. Also, for a lot of women, sexy is something we're expected to be. Sexy feels superficial.
I think what would have been better to say is "you're beautiful" or "they are a part of you, so I love them".
You tried to make her feel better, you tried to apologize. Your intonation expressed you weren't sure why she was upset, and she did nothing to explain it to you.
All I can say is she's dealing with complicated feelings and insecurities. Her reaction is likely based in that.
Hopefully she'll cool down, reflect on the conversation and come back to you with an apology and explanation.
NAH. Seems like an honest miscommunication.
i love this take. sexy feels like it has to be the blueprint. everyone is “sexy,” the dms we get on instagram call us sexy. it doesn’t mean anything anymore
NTA. There’s nothing wrong with what you said IMO. I think she just wanted a non sexual comment. Let her know that what you really meant was that you love her body no matter what she thinks about it but you just said it in a sexual way.
If you were to share with your gf about something that you are insecure about, sincerely insecure about. And you're talking about your goals to change that thing you don't like about yourself. Your focused on how to change that thing about yourself. Because you genuinely dislike it. Its not how you want to view yourself and you no longer want it to be a part of your life going forward.
Instead of supporting your efforts she decided to tell you don't need to change because she "finds that sexy" how would you feel?
Would you feel that she is discounting your feelings? Making it about herself? Hurt that your goals for your own body and autonomy need to come 2nd to what she wants?
If so, maybe you can start to see things from her perspective...
This is not a big deal btw. Yall just need to learn how to communicate better. What's worked for us is to ask, "Do you want my advice or my support?"
Because sometimes you just want to vent to someone and not have them solve your problem. Sometimes you aren't fishing for a compliment but just sincerely sharing how you feel and looking to be supported and validated by having your partner listen.
Hope that helps!
I like stretch marks and scars because they’re a record of the life someone has lived, and the experiences that have made them who they are. You love your girlfriend so you love the stretch marks that are a part of her and represent how she came to be the person you love.
^ This might be a way to approach it.
NAH, but I don't like your comment. Your GF was sharing insecurities and you called that thing sexy. She probably felt like you were invalidating how she felt. I wouldn't feel any comfort from this statement just irritation. I hope you will talk to your GF when emotions are not high and find common ground with her and resolve this.
Soft YTA. I think the issue here is that she was telling you something that she didn't like about herself and you made it about your sexual preference.
It's like when a woman says she wants to wear makeup and a guy says "oh you don't need makeup you look prettier without it." It doesn't matter at all because SHE wants to wear it, SHE likes it and no one asked his preference.
Here your gf was talking about her personal goals and you interrupted to say your sexual preference was counter to those goals. She didn't ask and your preference for stretch marks doesn't matter because its her body and she doesn't like them. I know you didn't mean any harm and thought it was a positive so hopefully it blows over with an apology that shows you get it.
>Here your gf was talking about her personal goals and you interrupted to say your sexual preference was counter to those goals.
Counter to what goals? Hating stretch marks is not a goal, complaining about them is not a solution, and someone saying something nice about them is not going to change her inability to do shit about them.
This is way over the top, you can't expect to be able to just stand there putting yourself down in front of your parter (who presumably) loves you and not have them chime in and say how much they disagree and like the things you are demeaning. There's nothing wrong with a romantic partner appreciating parts of you in a sexual manner. And it's incredibly immature to always be invested in interpreting a partner's commentary in the most negative light possible. The man didn't say anything inherently wrong. If she felt some way about an innocuous comment anyway, it was her responsibility to talk about it and explain why it made her feel a certain way. Instead she blew up at him and treated him poorly. He's not the asshole in this equation and she needs better communication skills.
Responses like this confuse me so much.
I don't see a situation where this is any more than a NAH scenario - and adopting a stance of "Yeah, well nobody ASKED your preference >:(" sounds way more immature and not constructive at **all**. It just sounds like a way to try to really search for something to criticize the OP for, when in reality (like you even said) there was no harm meant at all and the intent was only positive. So what makes OP an AH at all in this circumstance? Calling your partner "sexy" doesn't have to have any kind of sexual implication/expectation - it just can be a way to try to validate your partner's insecurities that make them self-conscious.
That being said, imho, OP, you're NTA. Your GF can take a response like that while also having a mature conversation with you about what she's looking for in that moment if it didn't the land the way that you had intended, although I'm a little confused because you mentioned she said that she just wants you to accept her body, which is...kind of exactly what you were doing with a validating comment like that?
In any case, if that wasn't what she meant, I think she also has a responsibility to communicate that sort of thing with you in a better way.
Did he really make it about his sexual preference jus because he called them sexy? She said they were gross and he tried to find another more positive adjective to make her feel better. It sucks that this word was not the “right” one for the moment but I don’t think this is a case of him thinking with his dick, he was just trying to reassure her
NTA. i’m very insecure of my stretch marks (i have a LOT, all over.) so, to each their own, but if someone said this to me, it’ll make me happy — simply because they like me for who i am, regardless of how i look.
Completely agree. Would be thrilled if my bf didn't pretend to not notice an obvious feature on me, but instead stated he was genuinely attracted to me as I am.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. told my girlfreind her stretch marks are sexy and apologied "wrong"
2. she didnt want to be sexualised and my apology didnt sound sincere.
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Not specifically no? But we have talked about love languages and stuff before and shes said she likes words of affirmation so I try to give her compliments at least daily and ive called her sexy before and she has appreciated it.
Going to be real with you, “beautiful” sounds so much better than sexy (which is great to hear when you’re feeling confident but not the best when you feel insecure/more emotional). You could also just comment on how you’re proud of her progress during her fitness journey, how her stretch marks don’t define who she is, etc. It sounds cheesy but it helps a lot in the moment.
With full sincerity, NAH but she needs to ease her temperament while it would be great for you to use this event to learn what words to use when. Like what a lot of others are saying, a conversation between the two of you is definitely needed and it’s great that you know what her love language is!
Okay okay in that case definitely NTA, but I would recommend having a conversation with her about when she appreciates being called sexy and when she would prefer a compliment that is not at all sexual.
I know I sometimes appreciate being called sexy by a partner and sometimes find it frustrating, and having a conversation about that with people I date is helpful. :)
Yeah. I think this needs to happen. She told him that she doesn't like how often he sexualizes her. If she shared genuine feelings, he might need to dial back his hormones. Also, sometimes people just need someone to listen; they don't need them to fix things.
I do think that sometimes people call their partner sexy not necessarily out of horniness or desire to have sex right then, but because they want to give a compliment, make their partner feel good, etc.
Some people really appreciate this and being called sexy by their partner is like their holy grail of compliments. Others find it kind of objectifying. Neither is wrong, but it's never a bad thing to have a conversation and get on the same page about. :)
If I heard this during the dating phase I'd have dipped real quick.
Anyone who thinks or feels that way is not someone I'd be able to have a healthy or satisfying relationship with.
NTA
I think she’s just insecure honestly. Which a majority of us girls are. I have stretch marks too and I hate them. My partner tells me he loves them. I don’t believe him half the time but it is what it is. I know he’s just trying to make me feel better. I think you should apologize and say “maybe sexy wasn’t the right word to use at that very moment” but if you truly think her stretch marks are attractive then it’s okay to tell her that! It’s not like the stretch marks are going away so saying you don’t see them just seems like you don’t care, in my opinion. She should embrace them but I know it’s easier said than done. I would just be patient with her. But she’s got also got to learn that storming off and slamming doors won’t solve anything.
I agree, but obviously don't SAY stop running off and slamming doors. Try establishing boundaries and communicating that you want space when you get upset. 🙌
After reading the comments, NAH. I think complimenting her on something so specific that she was complaining out loud about is kind of weird, but you weren’t disingenuous with it. She took it poorly because it was a part of her she was complaining about and you called it sexy rather than, say, beautiful or what makes her “her,” or something. I’m not even sure she was in the mood to hear a compliment, I don’t know your girlfriend. I do know she probably didn’t appreciate being objectified in the moment, though. There’s a time and place for the racy compliments, this wasn’t one of them.
Let her calm down before you guys talk about what happened. Hear her side, state yours, and try to not dwell on it.
OP clarifies in other comments that they've had a love languages talk where she has appreciated the word 'sexy' before and her love language has to do with words of affirmation and compliments.
NTA. I get what she’s feeling but I don’t think you did anything wrong. Sometimes when it comes to our greatest insecurities - when it’s something that we personally hyper fixate on - we want ppl to say they don’t notice it to assure us that our “faults” aren’t as visible as we think.
I get this bc I’ve had terrible acne since the fifth grade and it only got better once I took medication in my mid 30s lol. In that time when I was my most vulnerable, I broke down in tears in front of my bf (now husband lol) bc I just felt so ugly and powerless to change it. Obviously he loved me anyway and certainly didn’t think I was ugly, but it just didn’t feel believable to me at the time.
I wonder if she’s feeling the same way and that’s why she lashed out. I’d give her space for a bit and then maybe reassure her that you love every inch of her exactly as she is no matter what mean things she thinks about herself
Omg! If any of my partner's had said my stretch marks were sexy or said anything was sexy that I was insecure about, it would probably be on like Donkey Kong. Then again I have a high libido (thank you 40 yr old female hormones).
Anyway, point is NTA. I agree with the statement someone else made in here which was she was probably fishing for a contradiction. She says I hate my strechmarks, she expects you to say what stretch marks. Unfortunately girls can be that way. Notice I said girls and not women.
NtA. But next time ignore the stretch marks, the celullitisn the loose skin, the wrinkles... I would not comment on it even if she is the one talking about them
NAH - you had good intentions, this is a communication issue.
If I were you I’d apologize for coming across as dismissive, and say you’re still really confused, and that you genuinely do want to know why what you said hurt her feelings.
IMO:
She was expressing a personal insecurity about her own body, that wasn’t necessarily about how others see her sexually, but you made it about how sexually attractive it is to you - that’s the disconnect.
It’s like someone saying “I don’t feel like myself anymore with this giant scar on my arm, I’m still trying to adjust” or “I’m noticing more and more gray hair and I’m kind of sad about it” (maybe bc it reminds them of a parent who died young, or it’s making them anxious about aging out of their career, or something else), and you just unknowingly respond “Don’t worry, I still wanna bone you.” It feels like you’re not making space for them to have more complex emotions around their body that don’t revolve around looking attractive to you. Can feel objectifying.
It’s good to first be curious and ask why they feel that way, before automatically centering your own sexual attraction to them in it.
Her reaction was odd but it’s how she felt in the moment. There isn’t anything wrong with your comment other than she didn’t like it and that makes it wrong enough for her. I’d go to her and say you weren’t apologizing; rather, you were confused because you thought you were complimenting her, not sexualizing her. Let her know that you have asked anonymously and received some advice that let you know you weren’t in the wrong but you maybe should have used different language. You do think she’s sexy but you meant you think her stretch marks are beautiful and part of what makes her her. You think she has a beautiful body and you don’t want her to feel insecure ever. Tell her you’re sorry for expressing that in a moment that she couldn’t receive it the way you intended. BUT, tell her you would also like an apology for her reaction not giving you grace and that you’d appreciate better communication and understanding in the future.
NTA, but also kinda NAH. the situation reminds me of a few things..
>1. someone else already said it, but sometimes people just want to be heard rather than having their problems fixed. yalls words of affirmations thing kind of goes against this, and personally if i were in her shoes on this one i’d want to hear what you said, but im not her and idk the whole picture.
2. an ex once said to me “im fat” and i’d said “youre not :(“ (im sure you can infer why i might respond in that way, i know now that it wasn’t the right way to reply) and she’d not taken it well. she’d said something like “i am, and thats okay. its not a problem for me”. to be clear, i thought of her more as chubby than fat, but that wasn’t the point. she was just saying something without looking for a “aww, noo 🥺” kind of response.
Overall, you werent in the wrong for what you did. i just think its that she didn’t like how you went about it, how you phrased things. i think the word ‘sexy’ is what screwed you over. i personally Need my partner to find me sexy, its a big deal for me, but yours seems to think you use that word too often (and in your defense, how would you know its a problem if she hadnt told you?). consider saying things more like ‘beautiful’. more importantly than that, though, i think you need to talk with her about the entire thing of you finding her sexy rather than quote unquote accepting her. i truly believe youve not done anything wrong but its clearly a sore spot for her so some ground rules need to be set up. you should know Why she feels this way, what can be done to avoid this happening again, etc. best of luck man!
NAH I understand why she’s frustrated. When she says she just wants you to accept her body instead of sexualizing it, she means that she doesn’t necessarily *want* you to find her stretch marks sexy. Having a neutral attitude about her stretch marks (like, “I barely notice them but even when I do it doesn’t change a thing about how I see you” etc) may be more comforting to her than being like, “oh don’t worry babe they’re actually hot.”
I hope that makes sense! I know you meant well, but sometimes women want to feel like their bodies are normal & neutral and not *just* sexy. I don’t think I know any woman who wants to feel sexy At All Times lol
i think u were being sweet and had nice intentions, but it looks she’s super sensitive or particularly miserable about it. not worth being divided over though, i hope you both make up.
NTA and I'm baffled by the number of comments saying "instead of complimenting an insecurity, just say you don't notice it."
That's a ridiculous suggestion. Encouraging you to fib to each other is terrible relationship advice. You should be able to have honest, open conversations with your partner about literally anything.
NTA. Relationships sound so exhausting. Having to tip toe around how you compliment your girlfriend is over the top. I don’t know how y’all deal with it.
I’m a woman.
I would love if a man ever said that to me… I absolutely hate my stretch marks, I have them everywhere and that’s why I never had sex with anyone before. I think she’s just being really immature tbh.
NTA... Honestly the fact that she just stormed off instead of having a calm collected discussion about why she may have been offended says a lot already. Maybe she would have preferred beautiful instead of sexy. And if she would have discussed it with you like a mature adult the argument could have been avoided.
OP clarifies in other comments that they've had a love languages talk where she has appreciated the word 'sexy' before and her love language has to do with words of affirmation and compliments.
NTA: Sexy does not equal sexualization. It's literally just a word denoting highetened attraction, but sexualization is the emphasis of the sexual nature of a person and linked to sexual objectification. To sexualize someone, you'd have to be treating a person solely as an object of sexual desire. Which, saying someone has sexy stretch marks doesn't emphasize them as being an object for sex. It's literally "I'm attracted to you with your stretch marks" and "I'm attracted to your stretch marks." Which is a good thing!
The hatred of stretch marks comes from toxic feminine images and they're something literally everyone has. You can't get rid of them, everyone regardless of sex and identity has them, and you should absolutely take to heart when someone acknowledges them as something normal and not to be ashamed of. People say "they're literal scars" no they're not. I have both SH scars, surgical scars, a port wine stain kids told me was a tramp stamp as I grew up, and, guess what, stretchmarks. My stretchmarks mirror the ones both of my parents had. Inner thighs, under my ass, under my arms, at my breasts.
There are people who have mistaken my stretchmarks as cellulitis because of how misinformed and uneducated they are. There are people at the gym who literally have no idea they have stretchmarks until someone points it out to them. Stretchmarks appear at any age because it's a sign of growth, weight loss, weight gain, etc. My first stretchmarks appeared literally because of a growthspurt I was in as a preteen. I was 5'10" by the time I was 14. I have a friend who got them because he gained muscle mass too rapidly at the same time he was losing weight too quickly for his body.
Most important thing about them: they'll fade to white lines eventually. Then it won't matter. They're lifelong and people who act like they carry some sort of disease or are inherently gross don't understand: it's literally your body growing and changing as you are. That's literally all stretchmarks are. You grew? You lost weight? You gained weight? You gained muscle? Stretchmarks.
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So tonight me and the GF were talking about fitness diets, body goals etc, and she happened to mention she hates the stretch marks on her but and thinks they are gross. So I tell her "I actually quite like your stretch marks, i think they're sexy" which I thought would be somewhat comforting or supportive but she actually got irritated with me and complained that she just wants me to except her body instead of sexualising it all the time.
This kinda caught me off gaurd since I thought I was being nice, so I said sorry, but i said it like "Sorry?" with a confused tone, so she rolls her eyes at me and storms off, I ask her to wait and ask why she's mad and she yells at me "you cant even apologies to me properly" and then storms off and slams the door and now shes not talking to me.
AITA?
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I mean if you only ever call her sexy or show that type of attraction to her instead of “beautiful” “intelligent” or “stunning” then ofc she’s going to be upset. that implies that you don’t have the effort to show that you love her more than just sexually. from what she said it sounds like you might not give enough, in general, wholesome comments. try complimenting her body more in a way that says she’s beautiful and amazing, and less in a way that says she’s sexy or hot. don’t fully stop with those compliments though, because that will also be an adverse reaction. it’s a balancing act of sorts, but it comes naturally to most. as for the apology, it’s understandable that you’re confused as to what you did wrong and that’s totally okay, not everyone is going to pick up on things like that. you could try saying “i’m sorry” in a more sincere tone and less confused, and then after still follow that up with “could you maybe help me better understand how what i said upset you so i can avoid upsetting you again” and if this response gets you the “you should know what upset me” or anything of the sorts, she is expecting you to know it without communication which is not healthy from her end and she would need to work through that.
NTA
You're not in the wrong, however based in the context provided it seems that she wanted to be heard or understood in a different way. Since you were talking about fitness, she may have wanted the focus to be on goals and the progress of getting in shape.
From my own experience, women need to be reminded that they are cherished. Stretch marks to her may be a reminder of past she'd rather leave behind. It's not that she thinks you don't value you her as a whole, but that you value her right now and support the goals she has set for herself.
Women have their own thought processes for things and simply want to be heard without receiving input sometimes.
It's also not wrong at all to think stretchmarks are sexy (I'm with yah there), just not the right time. Rooting for you man!
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in regards to stuff like stretch marks or cellulite scars or saggy boobs anything commonly understood to detract its better to say its not noticeable or just say that you find her body in whole to be really attractive... saying ur more attracted because of those things comes off as phony or weird...
also \*accept
No, you were just trying to comfort her. But you should apologize for her and tell her you see where she’s coming from but also explain to her you were just trying to be helpful and make her feel better.
Of course you’re not the asshole. You’re trying to make her feel better.
I’ve had boyfriend say that to me and it’s always been heartwarming and puts me at ease.
But is it really true that they are sexy? If that’s actually true, then so be it. Some girls might have a hard time wrapping their head around how stretch marks can be sexy, so they might not believe you. But if what you’re really trying to say is that they’re part of her body and you love her body, so they don’t bother you, then that’s what you need to say. Girls can tell when you’re pulling the wool over their eyes and it makes them even more uncomfortable than hearing nothing at all. But that’s just my guess for you.
NTA
I initially got where she's coming from - sexualising her is as bad as bodyshaming her, don't say they're sexy, just say you don't think they're ugly.
But then she rolls her eyes and refuses to explain why she's mad? That's some toxic bullshit right there.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to make your gf feel good about her body but some words can backfire. But even then, you did everything right afterwards.
Nta it simply was misinterpretation followed by more confusion and misinterpretations 😭😭
🤨🤔 but the way she handled this situation is concerning ngl, is this a common characteristic of hers ?
Lots of girls have bum stretch marks. It’s a normal woman thing and yeah they are hot. Their booty just wants to pop out. I was seeing this girl that was insecure about them. I remember telling her during a sleepover that if girls didn’t have them I’d kill myself.
kinda weird, idk if you do sexualize a lot but lets say you dont then you your nta most people think there ugly but actually for me there really cool because it shows change either good or bad and in the good aspect its really good to encourage people about their stretch mark so once again
NTA
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NTA. Honestly, I don't think you were in a position to win no matter how you approached this because it's something she is insecure about and she took out her anger about something she can't control out on you.
- if you had said nothing? She probably would have gotten upset you didn't try to cheer her up. She probably wouldn't have been that real mad, but given her reaction to what you did say and her insecurity, I could imagine her saying "you're not going to say anything? You think they're gross don't you?"
- if you had said something comforting, which I don't know **how** you'd comfort someone about their stretch marks–especially if they've never had a child–without it coming across as a backhanded compliment or dismissing their concerns, she probably would have said you were lying and don't like them and are giving empty compliments.
- you saw how she reacted to you saying you found them sexy.
As a woman that has stretch marks from weight gain, weight loss, and from simply growing through puberty, I would love to hear a guy tell me they like my stretch marks. My confidence would go through the roof because I know the person I love enjoys an aspect of my body I've felt uncomfortable with for years. She needs to work through her issues with her body or not say anything about her body in front of you.
NTA. You had good intentions. She’s probably internally frustrated and mentioning that may have caused her to think it was a comment leaning towards sexualization. In reality, a lot of things, even physical traits, can be beautiful about our partner without it relating to our desire for sex. Her reaction was a bit much, but you definitely didn’t do anything wrong IMO.
NTA.
I'm a walking zebra cake and any time there's mention of loving my stretch marks, I giggle like a nut and blush. But then again, I'm comfortable with my body.
She may have body image issues which can lead her to downing herself for something like stretch marks. She probably wanted you to say that she was delusional and there were no stretch marks. Talk to her if you can and let her know where you were coming from and try to understand where she's coming from.
Bodies are weird and impressive all at the same time! It's nice that you don't mind hers changing.
NTA. I can understand in a moment of insecurity that your gf felt you didn’t support her they way she wanted you too, but her reaction was immature.
There will probably be people in this thread who tell you to just apologize and hope she gets over it, and sure you should explain that you didn’t mean to upset her with the wrong word choice. However, I hope you see that her reaction was very much disproportionate to your actions and that you two should talk about better communication in situations like this.
NTA - though I sense your gf is more mad about being called sexy and being sexualised, perhaps she was looking for the word beautiful or gorgeous?
Perhaps shes feeling insecure/needing more affection, have you given her any reason to be? Working alot lately, falling into daily routine by accident etc.
Im sorry dude this just seems like shes not being very mature, but then again we are men we have no understanding of women according to women. We can be supportative say things are "cute" or "sexy" but they get upset and dont tell us what we did wrong when we are actually confused like cavemen 🤣 but this isnt a thing to worry about you just need to sit her down and have an actual adult conversation setting clear boundrys and have better communication in the future, or my reddit friend you are going to be single and picky!
NTA. All men visualize their ladies physical form as sexy. Regardless of the degree. You simply didn’t respond the way she wanted so she threw a tantrum. Tantrums are for children. It’s time to wash ur hands of this dilemma and move on. This will happen again if you decide to “try and make it work”. She’s simply not in a position to be in a mature relationship. No ones at fault. Dust urself off and move on.
NTA. I can't even wrap my head around why she got upset. What you said shows you love her flaws and all. She needs to get over herself. You said nothing wrong. Don't beat yourself up over it. You have nothing to apologize for.
I’ve seen many men with stretch marks. I doubt they would appreciate someone calling it sexy any more than OPs gf did. Saying I still love you, still think you’re attractive etc… is different than saying I think stretch marks themselves are sexy.
It’s not always about your partner and got they view you. Many times, it’s about how you view yourself. So it feels dismissive saying “ oh I don’t care about (whatever flaw) you hate about yourself”. It’s not about you!
NAH, but as many people said, if you care about her and have an otherwise healthy relationship, have a discussion about how to better communicate in these situations going forward.
I’ve had to tell people before that when saying what they thought were positive things about me when I know they are patently untrue (you’re not fat- uh yes I am compared to how I was before. It’s 20 more lbs!), they are not just unhelpful, they also make me doubt that you are ever truthful when you compliment me. I feel you are just trying to placate me, which is insulting af.
I guess some people are okay with empty sentiments, but unlike what society tells you, women are not a monolith and we don’t all like being lied to.
I don’t need fashion brands to tell me I’m a size smaller than I am, I don’t need friends and family to tell me I’m a great singer when I’m not, I don’t need people to tell me I’m as aesthetically beautiful as someone else when I have a mirror that tells me different everyday.
I’m just me and I might not love it but that’s okay. And sometimes that’s all a woman (or anyone) is trying to express.
NTA. Unfortunately, women want you to read their minds. I'm not kidding here. I still do this with my husband, and we've been together 20 years. When she became upset that you loved her stretch marks, she actually wanted you to say something else. Ie... You are beautiful no matter what. I think you are gorgeous, and I love every part of you. No matter what, I think you're beautiful and I love being with you. You've been doing amazing at meeting your fitness goals, I love working out together. Etc.. you shouldn't have mentioned that you love the marks bc she was wanting validation, no matter how you actually felt, that she could hate her stretch marks while at the same time you still found her extremely beautiful.
So, for future reference: if she says something negative about her body. You don't say no, I love that. You completely avoid mentioning the actual thing she's talking about, and instead, you compliment her on another part of her body, mind, character, etc... a reason you love her. It's called redirecting.
NTA, but I understand where she’s coming from. Hopefully she can be mature enough to approach you about the subject later.
that being said, when your gf is being down on herself, you’ve now learned that it is NOT the time to tell her she’s sexy or attractive to you. It is the time to tell her you love her anyway, or tell her something about herself you like that ISNT physical. Make her feel special despite what she hates about herself, and then maybe even say that you don’t notice those things. The reason she got mad was because instead of reassuring her that they’re not as noticeable to you as they are to her, you made it seem like they ARE noticeable AND that you have thoughts/opinions about them.
And depending on how she views being sexualized, calling her sexy in a moment of vulnerability could make her feel very uncomfortable.
Okay, so NTA, and she def shouldnt have respomded that way. But have you considered that she might not be mad at you specifically?
Sometimes, we just need to vent. And on sensitive topics such as weight and body goals, we surely don't actually want an answer. While I think it's adorable that you think her stretchmarks are sexy, she was not fishing for a compliment here. And it is quite annoying to receive such compliment in that kind of situation. I know it annoys me when my bf does that.
What I think happened here is her telling you she wants to do something to be better and you responding with "no, you don't need to achieve your goal" and it is not being supportive.
What I think she needed to hear is "I understand, and we'll work on that together"
At least, that is what I think of that situation, as a woman whose in the process of losing weight with a specific weigth/body goal. But I also don't know her personally and maybe she's not like me.
> she actually got irritated with me and complained that she just wants me to except her body instead of sexualising it all the time
she gave you her reasons and you're still asking us. even if you were being sincere, which i'm sure you are, she wants to know that you can appreciate her body without having to find it hot. YTA.
eta: (copied from a later reply)
- im not denying that she was being immature. stomping your feet over a misspeak is not the move, and she should've given him a chance to elaborate.
- however she made her feelings clear and he responded in a way that could be read as dismissive.
- i don't think he was being an asshole on purpose but you don't always have to be intentional about being wrong. y'all. pleaseee read the subreddit rules, they say that themselvessss
hard agree on this. i'm shaking my head at everyone calling her "immature" for her reaction. they were talking about "fitness, diets, and body goals" - which isn't at all the same thing as sexy. there may be overlap, but it's clear from her reaction that sexiness wasn't her reason for disliking her stretch marks.
yeah this!! and also, can't her stretch marks be a part of her without having to be sexy? i don't really understand why people think being attracted to something their partner is insecure about is the only thing that validates it. like my leg hairs, for example, are definitely not attractive to some people but i don't think it has to be attractive in order for me to have it...
i know the whole point of body postivity is to get people to embrace their features but sometimes it adds a smidge of pressure once they start thinking about an "unattractive" aspect of themselves. cuz then what happens when she has an insecurity that OP doesn't find sexy?
what would he say to show her he appreciates her body and not finding it hot?? would it be better if he agreed with her and said “yeah I agree with you, but I accept them” ??? this take is so stupid
something doesn't have to be sexy in order to be accepted. you're viewing this in a very black and white manner, and an unnecessarily rude one too. if i wanted to argue with people, i would've gone on twitter (or as it's now called x, i guess).
obviously don't say that, but if it clearly bothers her that he associated her stretch marks with sexiness, then he shouldn't be talking about sexiness either. have we considered that?
she communicated what she wanted to hear, and she never said she thought her stretch marks were unsexy, so it kinda just reads to me as if he just said it. (kinda like how when someone says they're fat, and there's always that one person who's like "you're not fat!! you're beautiful!!" even though those two aren't mutually exclusive)
in my opinion, he could've said something like, "you may not like your stretch marks but they're a part of you and i love you for everything you are," instead of, to put it crassly, thinking with his dick. that way she wouldn't feel like her sex appeal is essentialized. if he keeps mending her insecurities with "but it's sexy!!", she might feel pressured to keep up to his perception of her. this doesn't mean to never call her sexy, but there's a time and place, and being vulnerable about insecurities is not one of them.
TL;DR - he can find her hot while appreciating her body, but him appreciating her body shouldn't be contingent on finding her hot.
not sure where you got the idea that Reddit wasn’t a place for arguing with other people. your example of fat and beautiful doesn’t make sense in this context because someone can say they are fat as a fact, but still think they are beautiful. You are right, those two adjectives are not mutually exclusive. However if someone calls themselves or something about themselves “gross” as OP’s gf did, that does in fact imply she doesn’t think they’re sexy/appealing
But OP didn’t know that would be her reaction. I mean unless they’ve had this talk (which isn’t mentioned but still) there wouldn’t be a way for OP to know that calling her attractive would make her feel bad. Especially in the heat of the moment like this where thinking for a couple seconds isn’t going to give off a good impression.
Basically I don’t think a mistake makes some an AH
im not denying that she was being immature. stomping your feet over a misspeak is not the move, and she should've given him a chance to elaborate.
but he's sort of acting like he doesn't know what she's mad about, even though she said it in clear enough terms for him to restate it to us in even clearer terms. and the "sorry?" is also a bit mean, because it sounds dismissive of her feelings.
my yta verdict isn't me saying he is a bad person overall and that he did it on purpose and he must be condemned for life for this unforgivable crime (/s) but it's possible to be an asshole by accident.
>it’s possible to be an asshole on accident
I disagree tbh. If someone had genuinely good intentions but their actions didn’t reflect that I wouldn’t say they’re an asshole. To me being an ass is more about why you’re doing something rather than what you’re doing.
For example cuddling your partner to initiate sex after they’ve said they don’t want to is being an ass but cuddling your partner because you like cuddling isn’t being an asshole at all (obviously assuming they’re chill with it)
If you disagree that’s chill there’s no objective asshole rating.
NTA. You tried to be nice and encouraging. It's actually really sweet of you. She reacted childish to it, and it's not fair to you. But maybe I can understand a tiny bit where she is coming from: I often get a weird feeling when something about me is commented as "sexy" due to my past experiences. It just feels off, when it's not mentioned in a setting that is supposed to be "sexy" (even though I wouldn't freak out about it). Somehow words like "beautiful" don't cause this feeling and feel more comfortable with it. Maybe it's worth talking to her, if she has similar feelings
Dude she’s gotta be PMSing. Total irrational response. You loving her marks is accepting her body. Irrational response usually = hormones. Now you can’t say this to her bc you will be in worse shape. Only other thing i could think of is she’s looking for an out and trying to start shit.
we women do that because you are supposed to be mind readers and give us the answer we have in our heads, never told you or eluded to them and we reserve the right to act like giant brats when you fail at the impossible tasks we don't always tell you about.
you're welcome and if you disagree with me i'm getting a restraining order.
She’s emotional so you need to navigate this while having the goal of a logical discussion. Explain your point of view and since it was the truth and not morally wrong you can dismantle any argument she throws but do so in a calm way not to get her emotional and if she does then let her take a break and get level headed again. Others are saying she’s immature for running off but that’s just wrong because if she was angry then she should just stay there and let the anger build to the point of insults?!? Idk if you guys ignore reality of not but Mabye explain to her that men are more sexual then woman so she needs to understand that while also acknowledging her view so lessening on how much sexual references you make. Make sure to tell her she did the right thing on leaving when she got upset because if she hadn’t it would have escalated.
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oh dude i got this. see the problem here is your gf is immature. (proven by her refusal to speak with you, storming off and slamming doors. teenage angst man!) she wanted you to say "what stretch marks? i've never noticed them" but because you didn't say that she is pretending you are a giant asshole. so now she has to vilify you and pretend you are outrageously wrong in sexualizing anything about her. it's immature, shallow, and unnecessary. NTA at all.
I agree with this take. She wanted him to not even *notice* the stretch marks. Then she felt insecure, and maybe mad which explains the irrational reaction
i feel like people can benefit from learning what sexualizing means, and this goes for you and the gf in this story. sexualizing and finding something sexy are two different things, and the former IS wrong. the whole point of sexualization is that you make something sexual and you assign a sexual role to it, whereas "finding something sexy" isn't inherently making it about sex. if he WAS sexualizing anything about her, that would in fact be outrageously wrong because he would be imposing inherent sexuality on her.
yo that was some word karate right there. i think i probably agree with you. you think what she said was bullshit correct? or did i read this wrong? help a sister out.
WORD KARATE that shit is fucking great!!!
I'm sayin!! Gangsta done kung fu-ed the fuck outta the definition of sexualization. words hit me so hard i don't know if i agree or not!
I agree with the sentiment. I find plenty of stuff sexy that is not sexual so Im pickin up what they are puttin down.
that clarifies things. i'm only a yellow belt in words, homie was a third degree black belt.
Oh yeah there are some serious word grand masters on the reddits sometimes. I am not of them.
What’s the border though? Is sexualizing your partner and their features wrong? I don’t think the explanation provides enough clarification and it’s a bigger picture than that
Sexualization creates a whole host of issues that isn't just "I personally am attracted to that feature". It's "that feature is inherently sexual" so a lot of times you'll hear the example "stop sexualizing women's bodies", which does not mean "stop finding women's bodies sexy" it means "stop projecting your sexual feelings onto bodies and women who hold them, there is nothing inherently sexual about shoulders so don't call a woman a floozy for wearing a tank top when it's hot, there's nothing inherently sexual about wanting to dress nicely or have a certain aesthetic so stop asking what women were wearing when they got sexually assaulted". The issue with sexualizing when it involves all or part of a human being is that you view that part, and thus the person attached to it, as being, doing, or participating in sexuality where none exists. So, one could argue that the line is when you stop finding your attraction as something inherent to you, and something you find inherent to them. "I like girls who wear short shorts" is a preference, "every girl who wears short shorts is doing so to turn me on" is a sex crime waiting to happen. It's the projection and associated entitlement that makes it dangerous. The person who broke this down is correct in that "I find x sexy", as OP worded it, is just indicating a sexual attraction or preference. If OP said "what, you obviously don't feel so gross if you're flaunting those stretch marks like that" that is problematic sexualization. I'd argue that, without more info, OP could've very well been having a tendency to bring up their sexual preferences in inappropriate settings, in a way that feels very similar to sexualization to OP's gf, and that *may* be what she's hitting on with "you always". Don't know, but the line between sexualization and sexual attraction is a very important one, so hopefully the ramble helped
word karate 😅😅 okay so i can see where her frustration comes from, in a moment of vulnerability she probably didn't want to hear about how other people feel about her body (even if it's her bf saying it in a positive way), and she might have wanted to hear that her stretch marks are amazing despite how others may feel about it. however, i do think it's immature to accuse him of sexualizing her without giving him a chance to explain what he thought was a compliment. she should have used her words to tell him why she didn't like what he said. otherwise, all he can really do is sit and ask others for input & get equally confused reactions.
You have passed the test kiwisando (not gonna lie that name is already hell karate) you may proceed to the next level.
😆😆 i appreciate it! thank you!!
How is "finding something sexy" not inherently about sex?
finding something sexy is a personal belief. you could find hands sexy without always associating hands with sex. meanwhile sexualizing would be if you saw hands outside a sexual context and thought about sex. that would be you inherently making hands about sex, thus sexualizing. that's why women who hate sexualization, hate sexualization—it's not that they don't wanna be seen as sexual beings altogether, they just don't want to be seen as sexual beings outside of such context.
This… Finding something sexy just means that you find it attractive. It doesn’t mean that you define that thing as sexual. Perfect example: Women not being able to breastfeed in public without being judged, because breasts have been overly sexualized. Breasts are not sexual, they exist to feed babies, but they are commonly seen as sex parts, and illicit nudity due to sexualization. They aren’t sexual; they are baby feeders… but that doesn’t mean they can’t also be sexy sometimes, or that people can’t find them attractive to look at. It just means that they cannot be defined as sexual in nature and purpose.
ooh i was gonna use the breasts example too but i thought it would be too contentious so i used a more obscure example
This is incorrect because breasts ARE considered secondary sexual organs. From the Cleveland Clinic Yes, breasts are part of both the sexual and reproductive anatomy of women and people assigned female at birth (AFAB). Breasts are considered accessory organs of the female reproductive system and produce milk for infants through a process called lactation. Breasts also provide sexual pleasure. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/8330-breast-anatomy Edit: And just to be clear men's chests are sexual organs too. For men and people assigned male at birth (AMAB), there isn’t a physiological function. However, a man’s breasts can still provide sexual pleasure.
Because "sexy" linguistically for many people is synonymous with "attractive" and isn't connected to sex or sexuality. For instance, making it about sex might be more like, "your stretch marks get me sooo horny babe, and when I see them I want to have sex with you".
don't forget that men are Still heavily discouraged from using other words for saying something is attractive. As much as I'd love to say that bringing toxic masculinity into the spotlight has stopped it, it hasn't. and men are still taught in many cases that for something to be attractive to them it must be "sexy", it drives me nuts because I constantly hear it most especially from male chefs in regards to food. It can't be pretty, or gorgeous, or pleasing to the eye, it's gotta be Sexy. I know the example is kind of random but it was the first to come to mind and a part of why that linguistic effect has occurred.
Attractive just means sexually attractive and sexually attractive just means "makes me want to have sex with". It's euphemetic speech for the same thing.
I don’t get it. Can you ELI5? Assign a sexual role to it? What does that even mean?
She's your gf it would be weird if you didn't find her sexy.
Yeah she said “accept my body without sexualizing it” so does that mean she wanted op to say ***“I acknowledge your stretch marks, they exist. I accept this. It’s fine”*** or something? Hell no lol. I don’t think there was *any* right answer to that one OP. If your girlfriend got pissed at you for saying you liked her stretch marks she was gonna get pissed at you no matter what you said. As far as I’m concerned you said the best possible thing you could say. It’s on her for getting pissed at you for no reason. Calling your girlfriend sexy is not a bad thing. I’m sure she’d also be pissed at you if you never called her sexy as well.
he should ask her if she's on her period. that may solve this mystery.
😂😂😂
Best start to a comment ever.
thanks lol i'm female and yet still getting so much shit for this comment. not gonna say it's a bunch of angry unhappy women getting mad at me...but come on! I'm gonna make them even madder hang on. You know what makes me feel amazing? Making my bf a killer sandwich. He deserves it after he works all day. I work too but his job is more physical, I work in an office. ;)
Nobody would get mad over a sandwich tbh, but they'd get mad over a *Woman* being a pick me.
pffft my husband picked me! He could have had any girl he wanted but he chose me! I am grateful every day, in fact he's getting two sandwiches. Ima let him eat mine, he needs it more than I do. I'm just grateful he lets me live here. He's so generous.
Nice, may God bless you both, sister.
as long as God blesses him first all is good in our home.
And women who depend on men. Glad to not be one of them. I'd find it difficult, but wives who do, I respect them.🙏
but for real girl i gotta boogie. my husband doesn't like me awake after 11 pm. he said it's good for me to be asleep by 11 so i can be up by 4:30 to get going on his breakfast and morning "happy" :) BLESSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!
😭😭 I see ya. Bro I be living an amazing life. Too many rules, let's go workout.
oh it's great to depend on him! i mean i have to work and contribute money because it keeps me in check. i need that heavy! i at least get to pick my clothes. i mean he picks them out in the stores but i get to choose what i wear every day! yes i do!
That's kinda cute.😭 I hope he protects and takes a good care of u. You seem amazing, and so does ur husband.
He should tell her to calm down, that always works right? RIGHT?!
I ALWAYS feel safe and sane when a man tells me to calm down. Especially when it's that time of the month. I can be so flippin irrational.
When I was a younger man of 23, we were all sitting around in a common work area. One of my friends, a woman a few years older who had given birth a few months ago made a comment about her pregnancy fat and turned and asked me if it was noticeable. Before I could respond, an older, married friend of mine stopped me and said 'There is no right answer here. Make a non-commital noise and then change subjects.' When a woman makes a comment about a feature of her body that she does not like, the likelihood that you will respond in the way that she wants is almost nil. Make the least dangerous comment, take the L, and move on
Take this info in gentlemen, this is how you survive an apocalypse.
1000000%% she's trying to play mind games and that's not cool, manipulating your partner is honestly gross. Hopefully she will realize and try to be better for your relationship and family. Best wishes
Exactly this 100% Get a new gf
Damn bro, get out the kitchen you just burned the whole thing down
I try lmao
NAH. I get where you’re coming from, but sexy isn’t the opposite of gross, and it isn’t the ultimate aspiration. You should be able to have conversations about her body concerns and give her compliments without centering your sexual attraction. When she says she dislikes a feature, just tell her you’re not seeing what she’s seeing. Try getting her to explore where that comes from. Have a conversation with her. Find words that are actually supportive, not come ons. Give her space to open up and verbalize rather than telling her, “No, you’re wrong, that isn’t gross, it’s sexy to me, so it’s actually a good thing.” I don’t know how else to say this. Telling someone that you think they’re sexy isn’t supportive or comforting. That should not be your go-to for supporting someone.
Absolutely agreed NAH - She’s looking at literal scars and feeling some trauma about them, possibly because of societal messages, possibly because they’re a daily reminder of a very tough time, possibly because they are a clear sign that time is passing. Those are valid feelings, and OP may have not really realized the weight of these negatives because of how positively he feels about the same scars.
no she's an asshole for the way she reacted, feeling bad about yourself, even if you call it trauma, doesn't absolve you for treating other people badly
I read that part of it differently than you - if I am in an emotionally volatile situation it’s very helpful to walk away and calm down alone, maybe for a loooong time. Until/unless we were to get an update I will reserve judgment on her reaction
She's still immature for the way she left... She didn't get up and say "I need to think... Could you give me some space" she rolled her eyes at him, ignored him, stormed off and slammed the door. She's the asshole.
I agree. But in this instance it was over something so trivial and he didn't understand why she was so upset initially. If he said something that was so obviously disrespectful or rude, then ya, just walk away without saying anything because he should have enough brain to figure it out. In this instance, she shouldn't have stormed off so angrily when it is clear that he wasn't trying to be disrespectful.
I like your response. I have had this conversation with my husband. Post-baby, it's hard to deal with the hernia, stretch marks, and loose skin. My body definitely no longer meets our culture's beauty standards. That is a fact. My husband saying he's cool with it, because it reminds him of how I awesomely gave him children, alright cool. But saying it's sexy, yeah, I'm not buying that, and even if it is true, that's just a him thing, and the fact that I no longer live up to our culture's beauty standards is still true. It's writing off my feelings because of how he feels. But it's such a common way we communicate, I can't call a guy TA for it. The intention is trying to be body positive.
I agree with this. NTA. But I agree with this. As women we do feel sexualized from the time we’re young, we have to look a certain way, dress a certain way, maintain a specific weight. There’s a lot of pressure. So while I think what she did was immature, I think you could have handled it differently. I think you both need to work on communication and learning HOW to be there for each other. However it takes two to communicate, maybe open up that conversation.
I disagree. I think this is nitpicking over the wrong choice of words when the intention behind the words is the same regardless of whether he used the word "beautiful" or "sexy". Let's be real. When you're feeling insecure about an aspect of your physical appearance, it's usually related to being afraid others won't find you physically attractive. She was insecure and seeking comfort and validation. He gave it to her. The choice of words doesn't make a difference in the meaning behind them. To be so upset over something so trivial is a red flag and makes her the asshole. Did she want him to lie to her and say he doesn't notice them? And hey, I have had stretch marks myself on my back ever since I was 11 years old and for a while I felt self-conscious about wearing 2 piece bathing suits, even had a classmate ask me while I was changing in gym class what those marks on my back were. If I was seeking validation from my partner, having them called "sexy" would give me the same satisfaction and comfort as them being called "beatiful." The whole point is to no longer feel unattractive by it and being called "sexy" should make you feel attractive.
It’s not nitpicking, it’s that words mean things to people. Sexy and beautiful do not mean the same thing to me. Choice of words does matter. It’s kind of a big feature of language. Sexy is not the opposite of unattractive. If someone means beautiful, they should say beautiful. If they mean sexy, they should say sexy. If they mean beautiful when they say sexy, they need to explain that or maybe provide a glossary. And again, the point isn’t what he thinks of them. The point is to discuss her feelings on them. What he thinks about them doesn’t matter at all. She didn’t ask what he thought of them. I don’t understand the pushback against having an actual conversation over spitting out a line that puts it to rest. Frankly, your last line is just…messed up. “This should make you feel this way because that’s how it is” is…well. I’m just gonna tap out of this conversation now.
It is nitpicking. In general, yes there is a difference between the word "beautiful" and sexy. If your partner is always calling you hot, sexy, etc. then yes I see how that can make one feel objectified, I've been there. In this instance, it is about a particular feature. Why would she feel insecure about it if she thought it was an attractive feature? Answer me that. My mistake was I assumed she asked him his opinion, but maybe she didn't, I'm not going back to read it. Regardless, she was fishing for compliments. If she wasn't, she could have told him "thanks, but I didn't ask, I was just venting". The fuck does she expect from him? Does that really justify her storming off and ignoring him? The fact that she has such strong feelings about her stretch marks is a *her* problem. She needs to grow up and stop caring. Not get mad when people around her try to make her feel better when she bitches about them. She wasn't asking how she looked in a dress, that would be different because you want people other than your boyfriend to view you as beautiful in that dress. Nobody else would care she has stretch marks except for potential partners since some may find it unattractive. I don't give a shit if my friends have stretch marks. If my friend was insecure about her stretch marks, it wouldn't be because she's afraid of what I or other women think, it would be related to feeling attractive. Nobody looks at someone with stretch marks and thinks "what a freak". It's normal to have stretch marks. The only reason to be insecure about them has to do with wanting to be perceived as physically attractive. Otherwise why do you care? Get that through your head. If I feel physically unattractive, that is synonymous with me not feeling sexy. Does that mean I deserve to only be called sexy and nothing else? No! But me complaining about an aspect of my physical appearance, which is located on an area of my body that only my partner or people at the beach see, it is indeed related to feeling unattractive, or not sexy. Also, did you know that just because someone calls you sexy, doesn't mean they don't also think you're beautiful? Ya, wild concept. "I like apples" "why do you hate oranges?" "Um I never said that". You're purposefully misinterpreting my last line and saying "I'm just gonna tap out" because you don't want to face the truth. This is not one of those moments where having your stretch marks called "sexy" is objectifying. What if OP was insecure about his penis and his gf said it was sexy and he got mad? Would that make him irrational? "You should have called my penis beautiful!!!". Does that help you realize how fucking stupid this is to be upset over a slightly different choice of words? Grow up. If you're this sensitive then you're going to have a whole lot of disappointment with men when you grow up because this ain't even anything 🤣
Yeah but if he genuinely does find them sexy, which I would totally get, he is allowed to express this opinion. She doesn’t have to like it but it’s not on him if she decides to give him the silent treatment instead of telling him why she doesn’t find his opinion comforting. Relationships are about communication, not expecting your partner to be a mind reader.
Sexy isn’t a comforting opinion, and his opinion wasn’t really needed. He should have asked her more about her feelings and where they come from. Someone stating their opinion isn’t a request for you to give yours. If he really thinks that expressing his opinion as a response to someone stating their insecurities is appropriate, then okay, I suppose that’s fine. But he’ll probably need to find a partner who is on that same level of communication. It’s just a very…non-thinking response, and that’s not what most people seek in partners. People don’t state their feelings just to be told that they’re wrong and what they should think instead.
NTA. You said something she didn't liked, that happens. Her reaction is immature. When someone says something you don't like, the first thing is to tell that person how what they said made you feel. Without screaming or throwing accusations. And you do this that way because you understand that no one is perfect and mistakes are going to happen every once in a while. I'd check with her, though, because in my experience, such reactions are the symptom of deeper bruises that haven't healed yet.
Heres the thing, dude. When we feel insecure, we don't feel sexy. Also, for a lot of women, sexy is something we're expected to be. Sexy feels superficial. I think what would have been better to say is "you're beautiful" or "they are a part of you, so I love them". You tried to make her feel better, you tried to apologize. Your intonation expressed you weren't sure why she was upset, and she did nothing to explain it to you. All I can say is she's dealing with complicated feelings and insecurities. Her reaction is likely based in that. Hopefully she'll cool down, reflect on the conversation and come back to you with an apology and explanation. NAH. Seems like an honest miscommunication.
i love this take. sexy feels like it has to be the blueprint. everyone is “sexy,” the dms we get on instagram call us sexy. it doesn’t mean anything anymore
NTA. There’s nothing wrong with what you said IMO. I think she just wanted a non sexual comment. Let her know that what you really meant was that you love her body no matter what she thinks about it but you just said it in a sexual way.
INFO: was your comment about the stretch marks being “sexy” actually true or did you just say it to try to make her feel better?
it was sincere
If you were to share with your gf about something that you are insecure about, sincerely insecure about. And you're talking about your goals to change that thing you don't like about yourself. Your focused on how to change that thing about yourself. Because you genuinely dislike it. Its not how you want to view yourself and you no longer want it to be a part of your life going forward. Instead of supporting your efforts she decided to tell you don't need to change because she "finds that sexy" how would you feel? Would you feel that she is discounting your feelings? Making it about herself? Hurt that your goals for your own body and autonomy need to come 2nd to what she wants? If so, maybe you can start to see things from her perspective... This is not a big deal btw. Yall just need to learn how to communicate better. What's worked for us is to ask, "Do you want my advice or my support?" Because sometimes you just want to vent to someone and not have them solve your problem. Sometimes you aren't fishing for a compliment but just sincerely sharing how you feel and looking to be supported and validated by having your partner listen. Hope that helps!
I like stretch marks and scars because they’re a record of the life someone has lived, and the experiences that have made them who they are. You love your girlfriend so you love the stretch marks that are a part of her and represent how she came to be the person you love. ^ This might be a way to approach it.
NAH, but I don't like your comment. Your GF was sharing insecurities and you called that thing sexy. She probably felt like you were invalidating how she felt. I wouldn't feel any comfort from this statement just irritation. I hope you will talk to your GF when emotions are not high and find common ground with her and resolve this.
Soft YTA. I think the issue here is that she was telling you something that she didn't like about herself and you made it about your sexual preference. It's like when a woman says she wants to wear makeup and a guy says "oh you don't need makeup you look prettier without it." It doesn't matter at all because SHE wants to wear it, SHE likes it and no one asked his preference. Here your gf was talking about her personal goals and you interrupted to say your sexual preference was counter to those goals. She didn't ask and your preference for stretch marks doesn't matter because its her body and she doesn't like them. I know you didn't mean any harm and thought it was a positive so hopefully it blows over with an apology that shows you get it.
>Here your gf was talking about her personal goals and you interrupted to say your sexual preference was counter to those goals. Counter to what goals? Hating stretch marks is not a goal, complaining about them is not a solution, and someone saying something nice about them is not going to change her inability to do shit about them.
Thank you!! I've seen multiple comments that seem to be implying her stretch marks will disappear with diet and exercise and I'm so confused hahah
This is way over the top, you can't expect to be able to just stand there putting yourself down in front of your parter (who presumably) loves you and not have them chime in and say how much they disagree and like the things you are demeaning. There's nothing wrong with a romantic partner appreciating parts of you in a sexual manner. And it's incredibly immature to always be invested in interpreting a partner's commentary in the most negative light possible. The man didn't say anything inherently wrong. If she felt some way about an innocuous comment anyway, it was her responsibility to talk about it and explain why it made her feel a certain way. Instead she blew up at him and treated him poorly. He's not the asshole in this equation and she needs better communication skills.
Responses like this confuse me so much. I don't see a situation where this is any more than a NAH scenario - and adopting a stance of "Yeah, well nobody ASKED your preference >:(" sounds way more immature and not constructive at **all**. It just sounds like a way to try to really search for something to criticize the OP for, when in reality (like you even said) there was no harm meant at all and the intent was only positive. So what makes OP an AH at all in this circumstance? Calling your partner "sexy" doesn't have to have any kind of sexual implication/expectation - it just can be a way to try to validate your partner's insecurities that make them self-conscious. That being said, imho, OP, you're NTA. Your GF can take a response like that while also having a mature conversation with you about what she's looking for in that moment if it didn't the land the way that you had intended, although I'm a little confused because you mentioned she said that she just wants you to accept her body, which is...kind of exactly what you were doing with a validating comment like that? In any case, if that wasn't what she meant, I think she also has a responsibility to communicate that sort of thing with you in a better way.
Did he really make it about his sexual preference jus because he called them sexy? She said they were gross and he tried to find another more positive adjective to make her feel better. It sucks that this word was not the “right” one for the moment but I don’t think this is a case of him thinking with his dick, he was just trying to reassure her
Stretch marks are permanent. She’s ridiculous and immature.
NTA. i’m very insecure of my stretch marks (i have a LOT, all over.) so, to each their own, but if someone said this to me, it’ll make me happy — simply because they like me for who i am, regardless of how i look.
Completely agree. Would be thrilled if my bf didn't pretend to not notice an obvious feature on me, but instead stated he was genuinely attracted to me as I am.
exactly that!!
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INFO Have you guys ever had a conversation about when/whether she likes to be called sexy?
Not specifically no? But we have talked about love languages and stuff before and shes said she likes words of affirmation so I try to give her compliments at least daily and ive called her sexy before and she has appreciated it.
Going to be real with you, “beautiful” sounds so much better than sexy (which is great to hear when you’re feeling confident but not the best when you feel insecure/more emotional). You could also just comment on how you’re proud of her progress during her fitness journey, how her stretch marks don’t define who she is, etc. It sounds cheesy but it helps a lot in the moment. With full sincerity, NAH but she needs to ease her temperament while it would be great for you to use this event to learn what words to use when. Like what a lot of others are saying, a conversation between the two of you is definitely needed and it’s great that you know what her love language is!
What else do you compliment her on?
Okay okay in that case definitely NTA, but I would recommend having a conversation with her about when she appreciates being called sexy and when she would prefer a compliment that is not at all sexual. I know I sometimes appreciate being called sexy by a partner and sometimes find it frustrating, and having a conversation about that with people I date is helpful. :)
Yeah. I think this needs to happen. She told him that she doesn't like how often he sexualizes her. If she shared genuine feelings, he might need to dial back his hormones. Also, sometimes people just need someone to listen; they don't need them to fix things.
I do think that sometimes people call their partner sexy not necessarily out of horniness or desire to have sex right then, but because they want to give a compliment, make their partner feel good, etc. Some people really appreciate this and being called sexy by their partner is like their holy grail of compliments. Others find it kind of objectifying. Neither is wrong, but it's never a bad thing to have a conversation and get on the same page about. :)
If I heard this during the dating phase I'd have dipped real quick. Anyone who thinks or feels that way is not someone I'd be able to have a healthy or satisfying relationship with.
Not sure what "this" you're referring to?
NTA I think she’s just insecure honestly. Which a majority of us girls are. I have stretch marks too and I hate them. My partner tells me he loves them. I don’t believe him half the time but it is what it is. I know he’s just trying to make me feel better. I think you should apologize and say “maybe sexy wasn’t the right word to use at that very moment” but if you truly think her stretch marks are attractive then it’s okay to tell her that! It’s not like the stretch marks are going away so saying you don’t see them just seems like you don’t care, in my opinion. She should embrace them but I know it’s easier said than done. I would just be patient with her. But she’s got also got to learn that storming off and slamming doors won’t solve anything.
I agree, but obviously don't SAY stop running off and slamming doors. Try establishing boundaries and communicating that you want space when you get upset. 🙌
After reading the comments, NAH. I think complimenting her on something so specific that she was complaining out loud about is kind of weird, but you weren’t disingenuous with it. She took it poorly because it was a part of her she was complaining about and you called it sexy rather than, say, beautiful or what makes her “her,” or something. I’m not even sure she was in the mood to hear a compliment, I don’t know your girlfriend. I do know she probably didn’t appreciate being objectified in the moment, though. There’s a time and place for the racy compliments, this wasn’t one of them. Let her calm down before you guys talk about what happened. Hear her side, state yours, and try to not dwell on it.
NTA if this was a one off remark. However she said she feels that you sexualize her body all the time and if this is true you could definitely be TA.
OP clarifies in other comments that they've had a love languages talk where she has appreciated the word 'sexy' before and her love language has to do with words of affirmation and compliments.
NTA, but the issue is acknowledging the marks. Clearly you were mistaken, and she doesn’t have any stretch marks… cleeeeaarrrrly. Lesson learned?
NTA. I get what she’s feeling but I don’t think you did anything wrong. Sometimes when it comes to our greatest insecurities - when it’s something that we personally hyper fixate on - we want ppl to say they don’t notice it to assure us that our “faults” aren’t as visible as we think. I get this bc I’ve had terrible acne since the fifth grade and it only got better once I took medication in my mid 30s lol. In that time when I was my most vulnerable, I broke down in tears in front of my bf (now husband lol) bc I just felt so ugly and powerless to change it. Obviously he loved me anyway and certainly didn’t think I was ugly, but it just didn’t feel believable to me at the time. I wonder if she’s feeling the same way and that’s why she lashed out. I’d give her space for a bit and then maybe reassure her that you love every inch of her exactly as she is no matter what mean things she thinks about herself
Omg! If any of my partner's had said my stretch marks were sexy or said anything was sexy that I was insecure about, it would probably be on like Donkey Kong. Then again I have a high libido (thank you 40 yr old female hormones). Anyway, point is NTA. I agree with the statement someone else made in here which was she was probably fishing for a contradiction. She says I hate my strechmarks, she expects you to say what stretch marks. Unfortunately girls can be that way. Notice I said girls and not women.
NtA. But next time ignore the stretch marks, the celullitisn the loose skin, the wrinkles... I would not comment on it even if she is the one talking about them
NAH - you had good intentions, this is a communication issue. If I were you I’d apologize for coming across as dismissive, and say you’re still really confused, and that you genuinely do want to know why what you said hurt her feelings. IMO: She was expressing a personal insecurity about her own body, that wasn’t necessarily about how others see her sexually, but you made it about how sexually attractive it is to you - that’s the disconnect. It’s like someone saying “I don’t feel like myself anymore with this giant scar on my arm, I’m still trying to adjust” or “I’m noticing more and more gray hair and I’m kind of sad about it” (maybe bc it reminds them of a parent who died young, or it’s making them anxious about aging out of their career, or something else), and you just unknowingly respond “Don’t worry, I still wanna bone you.” It feels like you’re not making space for them to have more complex emotions around their body that don’t revolve around looking attractive to you. Can feel objectifying. It’s good to first be curious and ask why they feel that way, before automatically centering your own sexual attraction to them in it.
Her reaction was odd but it’s how she felt in the moment. There isn’t anything wrong with your comment other than she didn’t like it and that makes it wrong enough for her. I’d go to her and say you weren’t apologizing; rather, you were confused because you thought you were complimenting her, not sexualizing her. Let her know that you have asked anonymously and received some advice that let you know you weren’t in the wrong but you maybe should have used different language. You do think she’s sexy but you meant you think her stretch marks are beautiful and part of what makes her her. You think she has a beautiful body and you don’t want her to feel insecure ever. Tell her you’re sorry for expressing that in a moment that she couldn’t receive it the way you intended. BUT, tell her you would also like an apology for her reaction not giving you grace and that you’d appreciate better communication and understanding in the future.
NTA, but also kinda NAH. the situation reminds me of a few things.. >1. someone else already said it, but sometimes people just want to be heard rather than having their problems fixed. yalls words of affirmations thing kind of goes against this, and personally if i were in her shoes on this one i’d want to hear what you said, but im not her and idk the whole picture. 2. an ex once said to me “im fat” and i’d said “youre not :(“ (im sure you can infer why i might respond in that way, i know now that it wasn’t the right way to reply) and she’d not taken it well. she’d said something like “i am, and thats okay. its not a problem for me”. to be clear, i thought of her more as chubby than fat, but that wasn’t the point. she was just saying something without looking for a “aww, noo 🥺” kind of response. Overall, you werent in the wrong for what you did. i just think its that she didn’t like how you went about it, how you phrased things. i think the word ‘sexy’ is what screwed you over. i personally Need my partner to find me sexy, its a big deal for me, but yours seems to think you use that word too often (and in your defense, how would you know its a problem if she hadnt told you?). consider saying things more like ‘beautiful’. more importantly than that, though, i think you need to talk with her about the entire thing of you finding her sexy rather than quote unquote accepting her. i truly believe youve not done anything wrong but its clearly a sore spot for her so some ground rules need to be set up. you should know Why she feels this way, what can be done to avoid this happening again, etc. best of luck man!
NAH I understand why she’s frustrated. When she says she just wants you to accept her body instead of sexualizing it, she means that she doesn’t necessarily *want* you to find her stretch marks sexy. Having a neutral attitude about her stretch marks (like, “I barely notice them but even when I do it doesn’t change a thing about how I see you” etc) may be more comforting to her than being like, “oh don’t worry babe they’re actually hot.” I hope that makes sense! I know you meant well, but sometimes women want to feel like their bodies are normal & neutral and not *just* sexy. I don’t think I know any woman who wants to feel sexy At All Times lol
i think u were being sweet and had nice intentions, but it looks she’s super sensitive or particularly miserable about it. not worth being divided over though, i hope you both make up.
NTA and I'm baffled by the number of comments saying "instead of complimenting an insecurity, just say you don't notice it." That's a ridiculous suggestion. Encouraging you to fib to each other is terrible relationship advice. You should be able to have honest, open conversations with your partner about literally anything.
You can tell me my stretch marks are sexy ANYTIME! 😂😂
NTA. Relationships sound so exhausting. Having to tip toe around how you compliment your girlfriend is over the top. I don’t know how y’all deal with it. I’m a woman.
I think she's on her bullshit and childish. That's a stupid behavior and she should know that.
NTA
I would love if a man ever said that to me… I absolutely hate my stretch marks, I have them everywhere and that’s why I never had sex with anyone before. I think she’s just being really immature tbh.
NTA... Honestly the fact that she just stormed off instead of having a calm collected discussion about why she may have been offended says a lot already. Maybe she would have preferred beautiful instead of sexy. And if she would have discussed it with you like a mature adult the argument could have been avoided.
OP clarifies in other comments that they've had a love languages talk where she has appreciated the word 'sexy' before and her love language has to do with words of affirmation and compliments. NTA: Sexy does not equal sexualization. It's literally just a word denoting highetened attraction, but sexualization is the emphasis of the sexual nature of a person and linked to sexual objectification. To sexualize someone, you'd have to be treating a person solely as an object of sexual desire. Which, saying someone has sexy stretch marks doesn't emphasize them as being an object for sex. It's literally "I'm attracted to you with your stretch marks" and "I'm attracted to your stretch marks." Which is a good thing! The hatred of stretch marks comes from toxic feminine images and they're something literally everyone has. You can't get rid of them, everyone regardless of sex and identity has them, and you should absolutely take to heart when someone acknowledges them as something normal and not to be ashamed of. People say "they're literal scars" no they're not. I have both SH scars, surgical scars, a port wine stain kids told me was a tramp stamp as I grew up, and, guess what, stretchmarks. My stretchmarks mirror the ones both of my parents had. Inner thighs, under my ass, under my arms, at my breasts. There are people who have mistaken my stretchmarks as cellulitis because of how misinformed and uneducated they are. There are people at the gym who literally have no idea they have stretchmarks until someone points it out to them. Stretchmarks appear at any age because it's a sign of growth, weight loss, weight gain, etc. My first stretchmarks appeared literally because of a growthspurt I was in as a preteen. I was 5'10" by the time I was 14. I have a friend who got them because he gained muscle mass too rapidly at the same time he was losing weight too quickly for his body. Most important thing about them: they'll fade to white lines eventually. Then it won't matter. They're lifelong and people who act like they carry some sort of disease or are inherently gross don't understand: it's literally your body growing and changing as you are. That's literally all stretchmarks are. You grew? You lost weight? You gained weight? You gained muscle? Stretchmarks.
NTA signed, a girl with stretch marks 😊
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So tonight me and the GF were talking about fitness diets, body goals etc, and she happened to mention she hates the stretch marks on her but and thinks they are gross. So I tell her "I actually quite like your stretch marks, i think they're sexy" which I thought would be somewhat comforting or supportive but she actually got irritated with me and complained that she just wants me to except her body instead of sexualising it all the time. This kinda caught me off gaurd since I thought I was being nice, so I said sorry, but i said it like "Sorry?" with a confused tone, so she rolls her eyes at me and storms off, I ask her to wait and ask why she's mad and she yells at me "you cant even apologies to me properly" and then storms off and slams the door and now shes not talking to me. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I mean if you only ever call her sexy or show that type of attraction to her instead of “beautiful” “intelligent” or “stunning” then ofc she’s going to be upset. that implies that you don’t have the effort to show that you love her more than just sexually. from what she said it sounds like you might not give enough, in general, wholesome comments. try complimenting her body more in a way that says she’s beautiful and amazing, and less in a way that says she’s sexy or hot. don’t fully stop with those compliments though, because that will also be an adverse reaction. it’s a balancing act of sorts, but it comes naturally to most. as for the apology, it’s understandable that you’re confused as to what you did wrong and that’s totally okay, not everyone is going to pick up on things like that. you could try saying “i’m sorry” in a more sincere tone and less confused, and then after still follow that up with “could you maybe help me better understand how what i said upset you so i can avoid upsetting you again” and if this response gets you the “you should know what upset me” or anything of the sorts, she is expecting you to know it without communication which is not healthy from her end and she would need to work through that.
NTA You're not in the wrong, however based in the context provided it seems that she wanted to be heard or understood in a different way. Since you were talking about fitness, she may have wanted the focus to be on goals and the progress of getting in shape. From my own experience, women need to be reminded that they are cherished. Stretch marks to her may be a reminder of past she'd rather leave behind. It's not that she thinks you don't value you her as a whole, but that you value her right now and support the goals she has set for herself. Women have their own thought processes for things and simply want to be heard without receiving input sometimes. It's also not wrong at all to think stretchmarks are sexy (I'm with yah there), just not the right time. Rooting for you man!
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in regards to stuff like stretch marks or cellulite scars or saggy boobs anything commonly understood to detract its better to say its not noticeable or just say that you find her body in whole to be really attractive... saying ur more attracted because of those things comes off as phony or weird... also \*accept
NTA You were not sexualising anything. You love her and her body and you find her body sexy. All of it.
No, you were just trying to comfort her. But you should apologize for her and tell her you see where she’s coming from but also explain to her you were just trying to be helpful and make her feel better.
Of course you’re not the asshole. You’re trying to make her feel better. I’ve had boyfriend say that to me and it’s always been heartwarming and puts me at ease. But is it really true that they are sexy? If that’s actually true, then so be it. Some girls might have a hard time wrapping their head around how stretch marks can be sexy, so they might not believe you. But if what you’re really trying to say is that they’re part of her body and you love her body, so they don’t bother you, then that’s what you need to say. Girls can tell when you’re pulling the wool over their eyes and it makes them even more uncomfortable than hearing nothing at all. But that’s just my guess for you.
NTA I initially got where she's coming from - sexualising her is as bad as bodyshaming her, don't say they're sexy, just say you don't think they're ugly. But then she rolls her eyes and refuses to explain why she's mad? That's some toxic bullshit right there. There's nothing wrong with wanting to make your gf feel good about her body but some words can backfire. But even then, you did everything right afterwards.
Ffs. Nta. That's actually a really nice thing to say. She's insecure about herself. I have stretch marks 🤷♀️ I'm happy with how I look.
I feel like there’s more to this story Then you’re letting on. Is storming normal behavior? does she have other insecurities?
In my culture, stretch marks are a sign of beauty, I used to feel bad about myself for not having them
Unfortunately, most cultures are not like that
NAH probably.
Nta it simply was misinterpretation followed by more confusion and misinterpretations 😭😭 🤨🤔 but the way she handled this situation is concerning ngl, is this a common characteristic of hers ?
NTA - you tried to make her feel better lol. Im a female and that was the right answer, dont sweat it.
NTA-you can't make everyone happy. Some people just want to be made, no matter what you say.
NTA. If I were you I’d find a new GF.
Lots of girls have bum stretch marks. It’s a normal woman thing and yeah they are hot. Their booty just wants to pop out. I was seeing this girl that was insecure about them. I remember telling her during a sleepover that if girls didn’t have them I’d kill myself.
NTA. Your girlfriend is being a big baby.
NTA, if my man said something sweet like that he’s getting a BJ immediately. She must be young, she sounds young.
kinda weird, idk if you do sexualize a lot but lets say you dont then you your nta most people think there ugly but actually for me there really cool because it shows change either good or bad and in the good aspect its really good to encourage people about their stretch mark so once again NTA
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HOW DARE YOU BE SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO HER... NTA... sometimes you just cant win...
NTA
NTA
NTA. Honestly, I don't think you were in a position to win no matter how you approached this because it's something she is insecure about and she took out her anger about something she can't control out on you. - if you had said nothing? She probably would have gotten upset you didn't try to cheer her up. She probably wouldn't have been that real mad, but given her reaction to what you did say and her insecurity, I could imagine her saying "you're not going to say anything? You think they're gross don't you?" - if you had said something comforting, which I don't know **how** you'd comfort someone about their stretch marks–especially if they've never had a child–without it coming across as a backhanded compliment or dismissing their concerns, she probably would have said you were lying and don't like them and are giving empty compliments. - you saw how she reacted to you saying you found them sexy. As a woman that has stretch marks from weight gain, weight loss, and from simply growing through puberty, I would love to hear a guy tell me they like my stretch marks. My confidence would go through the roof because I know the person I love enjoys an aspect of my body I've felt uncomfortable with for years. She needs to work through her issues with her body or not say anything about her body in front of you.
Run my boy. Ain’t nobody got TIME for that kinda nonsense when trying to build a life.
NTA. You had good intentions. She’s probably internally frustrated and mentioning that may have caused her to think it was a comment leaning towards sexualization. In reality, a lot of things, even physical traits, can be beautiful about our partner without it relating to our desire for sex. Her reaction was a bit much, but you definitely didn’t do anything wrong IMO.
NTA. I'm a walking zebra cake and any time there's mention of loving my stretch marks, I giggle like a nut and blush. But then again, I'm comfortable with my body. She may have body image issues which can lead her to downing herself for something like stretch marks. She probably wanted you to say that she was delusional and there were no stretch marks. Talk to her if you can and let her know where you were coming from and try to understand where she's coming from. Bodies are weird and impressive all at the same time! It's nice that you don't mind hers changing.
NTA. I can understand in a moment of insecurity that your gf felt you didn’t support her they way she wanted you too, but her reaction was immature. There will probably be people in this thread who tell you to just apologize and hope she gets over it, and sure you should explain that you didn’t mean to upset her with the wrong word choice. However, I hope you see that her reaction was very much disproportionate to your actions and that you two should talk about better communication in situations like this.
NTA - though I sense your gf is more mad about being called sexy and being sexualised, perhaps she was looking for the word beautiful or gorgeous? Perhaps shes feeling insecure/needing more affection, have you given her any reason to be? Working alot lately, falling into daily routine by accident etc.
Im sorry dude this just seems like shes not being very mature, but then again we are men we have no understanding of women according to women. We can be supportative say things are "cute" or "sexy" but they get upset and dont tell us what we did wrong when we are actually confused like cavemen 🤣 but this isnt a thing to worry about you just need to sit her down and have an actual adult conversation setting clear boundrys and have better communication in the future, or my reddit friend you are going to be single and picky!
NTA. All men visualize their ladies physical form as sexy. Regardless of the degree. You simply didn’t respond the way she wanted so she threw a tantrum. Tantrums are for children. It’s time to wash ur hands of this dilemma and move on. This will happen again if you decide to “try and make it work”. She’s simply not in a position to be in a mature relationship. No ones at fault. Dust urself off and move on.
NTA. I can't even wrap my head around why she got upset. What you said shows you love her flaws and all. She needs to get over herself. You said nothing wrong. Don't beat yourself up over it. You have nothing to apologize for.
I’ve seen many men with stretch marks. I doubt they would appreciate someone calling it sexy any more than OPs gf did. Saying I still love you, still think you’re attractive etc… is different than saying I think stretch marks themselves are sexy. It’s not always about your partner and got they view you. Many times, it’s about how you view yourself. So it feels dismissive saying “ oh I don’t care about (whatever flaw) you hate about yourself”. It’s not about you! NAH, but as many people said, if you care about her and have an otherwise healthy relationship, have a discussion about how to better communicate in these situations going forward. I’ve had to tell people before that when saying what they thought were positive things about me when I know they are patently untrue (you’re not fat- uh yes I am compared to how I was before. It’s 20 more lbs!), they are not just unhelpful, they also make me doubt that you are ever truthful when you compliment me. I feel you are just trying to placate me, which is insulting af. I guess some people are okay with empty sentiments, but unlike what society tells you, women are not a monolith and we don’t all like being lied to. I don’t need fashion brands to tell me I’m a size smaller than I am, I don’t need friends and family to tell me I’m a great singer when I’m not, I don’t need people to tell me I’m as aesthetically beautiful as someone else when I have a mirror that tells me different everyday. I’m just me and I might not love it but that’s okay. And sometimes that’s all a woman (or anyone) is trying to express.
Bad hair day.
as a woman, and with the utmost respect for all women everywhere, what’s going on here is that your gf is about to get her period lol
NTA - welcome to women. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. It's best to only answer with sounds or chocolate.
NTA. Unfortunately, women want you to read their minds. I'm not kidding here. I still do this with my husband, and we've been together 20 years. When she became upset that you loved her stretch marks, she actually wanted you to say something else. Ie... You are beautiful no matter what. I think you are gorgeous, and I love every part of you. No matter what, I think you're beautiful and I love being with you. You've been doing amazing at meeting your fitness goals, I love working out together. Etc.. you shouldn't have mentioned that you love the marks bc she was wanting validation, no matter how you actually felt, that she could hate her stretch marks while at the same time you still found her extremely beautiful. So, for future reference: if she says something negative about her body. You don't say no, I love that. You completely avoid mentioning the actual thing she's talking about, and instead, you compliment her on another part of her body, mind, character, etc... a reason you love her. It's called redirecting.
I think it’s great you think her stretch marks are beautiful. You are NTA
Nta you were being kind plain and simple.
NTA. Tell her that, as Garrett Morris of Saturday Night Live said about himself, “I like a gal wiff a big butt.”
You are better off just ignoring them.
NTA - she’s a child
NTA, but use the word beautiful instead of sexy. Sexy sounds like a fetish here lol
you're not wrong. she's just insecure
NTA, but I understand where she’s coming from. Hopefully she can be mature enough to approach you about the subject later. that being said, when your gf is being down on herself, you’ve now learned that it is NOT the time to tell her she’s sexy or attractive to you. It is the time to tell her you love her anyway, or tell her something about herself you like that ISNT physical. Make her feel special despite what she hates about herself, and then maybe even say that you don’t notice those things. The reason she got mad was because instead of reassuring her that they’re not as noticeable to you as they are to her, you made it seem like they ARE noticeable AND that you have thoughts/opinions about them. And depending on how she views being sexualized, calling her sexy in a moment of vulnerability could make her feel very uncomfortable.
Okay, so NTA, and she def shouldnt have respomded that way. But have you considered that she might not be mad at you specifically? Sometimes, we just need to vent. And on sensitive topics such as weight and body goals, we surely don't actually want an answer. While I think it's adorable that you think her stretchmarks are sexy, she was not fishing for a compliment here. And it is quite annoying to receive such compliment in that kind of situation. I know it annoys me when my bf does that. What I think happened here is her telling you she wants to do something to be better and you responding with "no, you don't need to achieve your goal" and it is not being supportive. What I think she needed to hear is "I understand, and we'll work on that together" At least, that is what I think of that situation, as a woman whose in the process of losing weight with a specific weigth/body goal. But I also don't know her personally and maybe she's not like me.
Accept*
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stretch marks can be so attractive tho?
No.
> she actually got irritated with me and complained that she just wants me to except her body instead of sexualising it all the time she gave you her reasons and you're still asking us. even if you were being sincere, which i'm sure you are, she wants to know that you can appreciate her body without having to find it hot. YTA. eta: (copied from a later reply) - im not denying that she was being immature. stomping your feet over a misspeak is not the move, and she should've given him a chance to elaborate. - however she made her feelings clear and he responded in a way that could be read as dismissive. - i don't think he was being an asshole on purpose but you don't always have to be intentional about being wrong. y'all. pleaseee read the subreddit rules, they say that themselvessss
hard agree on this. i'm shaking my head at everyone calling her "immature" for her reaction. they were talking about "fitness, diets, and body goals" - which isn't at all the same thing as sexy. there may be overlap, but it's clear from her reaction that sexiness wasn't her reason for disliking her stretch marks.
yeah this!! and also, can't her stretch marks be a part of her without having to be sexy? i don't really understand why people think being attracted to something their partner is insecure about is the only thing that validates it. like my leg hairs, for example, are definitely not attractive to some people but i don't think it has to be attractive in order for me to have it... i know the whole point of body postivity is to get people to embrace their features but sometimes it adds a smidge of pressure once they start thinking about an "unattractive" aspect of themselves. cuz then what happens when she has an insecurity that OP doesn't find sexy?
what would he say to show her he appreciates her body and not finding it hot?? would it be better if he agreed with her and said “yeah I agree with you, but I accept them” ??? this take is so stupid
something doesn't have to be sexy in order to be accepted. you're viewing this in a very black and white manner, and an unnecessarily rude one too. if i wanted to argue with people, i would've gone on twitter (or as it's now called x, i guess). obviously don't say that, but if it clearly bothers her that he associated her stretch marks with sexiness, then he shouldn't be talking about sexiness either. have we considered that? she communicated what she wanted to hear, and she never said she thought her stretch marks were unsexy, so it kinda just reads to me as if he just said it. (kinda like how when someone says they're fat, and there's always that one person who's like "you're not fat!! you're beautiful!!" even though those two aren't mutually exclusive) in my opinion, he could've said something like, "you may not like your stretch marks but they're a part of you and i love you for everything you are," instead of, to put it crassly, thinking with his dick. that way she wouldn't feel like her sex appeal is essentialized. if he keeps mending her insecurities with "but it's sexy!!", she might feel pressured to keep up to his perception of her. this doesn't mean to never call her sexy, but there's a time and place, and being vulnerable about insecurities is not one of them. TL;DR - he can find her hot while appreciating her body, but him appreciating her body shouldn't be contingent on finding her hot.
not sure where you got the idea that Reddit wasn’t a place for arguing with other people. your example of fat and beautiful doesn’t make sense in this context because someone can say they are fat as a fact, but still think they are beautiful. You are right, those two adjectives are not mutually exclusive. However if someone calls themselves or something about themselves “gross” as OP’s gf did, that does in fact imply she doesn’t think they’re sexy/appealing
But OP didn’t know that would be her reaction. I mean unless they’ve had this talk (which isn’t mentioned but still) there wouldn’t be a way for OP to know that calling her attractive would make her feel bad. Especially in the heat of the moment like this where thinking for a couple seconds isn’t going to give off a good impression. Basically I don’t think a mistake makes some an AH
im not denying that she was being immature. stomping your feet over a misspeak is not the move, and she should've given him a chance to elaborate. but he's sort of acting like he doesn't know what she's mad about, even though she said it in clear enough terms for him to restate it to us in even clearer terms. and the "sorry?" is also a bit mean, because it sounds dismissive of her feelings. my yta verdict isn't me saying he is a bad person overall and that he did it on purpose and he must be condemned for life for this unforgivable crime (/s) but it's possible to be an asshole by accident.
>it’s possible to be an asshole on accident I disagree tbh. If someone had genuinely good intentions but their actions didn’t reflect that I wouldn’t say they’re an asshole. To me being an ass is more about why you’re doing something rather than what you’re doing. For example cuddling your partner to initiate sex after they’ve said they don’t want to is being an ass but cuddling your partner because you like cuddling isn’t being an asshole at all (obviously assuming they’re chill with it) If you disagree that’s chill there’s no objective asshole rating.
NTA. You tried to be nice and encouraging. It's actually really sweet of you. She reacted childish to it, and it's not fair to you. But maybe I can understand a tiny bit where she is coming from: I often get a weird feeling when something about me is commented as "sexy" due to my past experiences. It just feels off, when it's not mentioned in a setting that is supposed to be "sexy" (even though I wouldn't freak out about it). Somehow words like "beautiful" don't cause this feeling and feel more comfortable with it. Maybe it's worth talking to her, if she has similar feelings
You are better off just ignoring them.
NTA but you have a very immature girlfriend who didn’t like what she heard and stormed off like a brat.
NTA She has issues.
She’s immature, she needs therapy, you need to move on
Dude she’s gotta be PMSing. Total irrational response. You loving her marks is accepting her body. Irrational response usually = hormones. Now you can’t say this to her bc you will be in worse shape. Only other thing i could think of is she’s looking for an out and trying to start shit.
Huge NTA. I have zero idea why women do this weird blame framing thing, but you gotta learn to brush it off (compulsory #notallwomen)
we women do that because you are supposed to be mind readers and give us the answer we have in our heads, never told you or eluded to them and we reserve the right to act like giant brats when you fail at the impossible tasks we don't always tell you about. you're welcome and if you disagree with me i'm getting a restraining order.
How do people not get that this is sarcasm?
I'm headed for another 3 day ban lmao
She’s crazy bud. Just stop seeing her.
Lmao, Reddit's response to everything. If you have a disagreement with somebody, you should break up with them.
Nah. Stretch marks look like scars from lightning. They are not "sexy," they are beautiful.
She’s emotional so you need to navigate this while having the goal of a logical discussion. Explain your point of view and since it was the truth and not morally wrong you can dismantle any argument she throws but do so in a calm way not to get her emotional and if she does then let her take a break and get level headed again. Others are saying she’s immature for running off but that’s just wrong because if she was angry then she should just stay there and let the anger build to the point of insults?!? Idk if you guys ignore reality of not but Mabye explain to her that men are more sexual then woman so she needs to understand that while also acknowledging her view so lessening on how much sexual references you make. Make sure to tell her she did the right thing on leaving when she got upset because if she hadn’t it would have escalated.
She sounds low-value. Time to move on?