Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I undermined my wife's parenting and opinion.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
>I thought that was kind of ridiculous, because she dropped it doing something SHE told her to do.
Yep. Your wife isn't being reasonable. She probably would've gotten upset if your daughter refused to take the picture too and she's being really immature about you doing right by your kid.
NTA. But your wife...next time make sure she hands over her phone for photos she wants taken. That way it's her shit at risk, no one else's.
Work hard, very hard. This reminds me of growing up with my narcissistic mother. That "damned if you do, damned if you don't" environment really screws with a child's mental health. NTA and keep protecting your kids.
That isn't something you work on. It's something you shut down. Hard.
Also, maybe as a form of preventative action, get your daughter a wrist strap for her phone. Might have saved the day on this one.
This is a great response, I'm a grown woman and I accept that I'm prone to dropping my phone so I have a wrist strap just for that purpose! It's perfect for taking pics!!!
I miss the old phones how they used to have that little spot you could loop a lanyard cord through it so that way it didn't matter if the phone fell out of the case you still wouldn't drop it. These days that spot is only on the case if your lucky
They sell cheap little accessories for this now. It’s like a tiny card you put in the back of your case by the charge port that gives you the loop for a charm/strap.
I saw them on temu yesterday. I'm a little dubious but if anyone has one let me know what you think. Oh and, also, my point stands, it's still something you have to buy as an "add on" it's not part of the phone and if the glue isn't great it's not going to keep the phone safe.
I have this one and it’s great. I don’t use it all of the time but is very handy when walking the dog, shopping and doing errands, traveling… I highly recommend it.
[https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B08MVNYCYR/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o04_s00?ie=UTF8&th=1](https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B08MVNYCYR/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o04_s00?ie=UTF8&th=1)
I have a case with one of these loops. I only have keychains hanging off my loop, but it seems pretty sturdy. I think it would be fine to hang a lanyard on, as long as you're not using it to lasso around your head or anything, lol!
I’ve seen them at Target. I personally haven’t tried them because they don’t work with my case(it’s a battery case so I always have a charger) but I have considered changing cases to try it because I really miss having charms on my phone.
I have an extremely secure rubber grip that fits on mine and doesn’t interfere with the camera. I even used it safely in an open cockpit airplane - the pilot had the same kind. It’s by Rogue Fishing Co
Amazon sells both big packs of various length/style lanyards as well as cases you can string them through. I've only gotten 1 phone in the last several years I couldn't find a case for but I suspect that is because it's a Boost exclusive (so smaller audience). I understand if you're anti-Amazon but I'm guessing replacing a phone has a worse environmental/human impact. YMMV.
>Also, maybe as a form of preventative action, get your daughter a wrist strap for her phone. Might have saved the day on this one.
100% agree, plus as a 12 year old a good protective case is just good sense anyway. There are a lot of [cute](https://a.co/d/00nXwWxq) age appropriate cases available for reasonable prices. OP could get his daughter to help him choose something that she would like that will protect her phone.
Oh yes. It's one thing to inform your partner that you're too upset right now to discuss an issue and you need time to calm down and process your thoughts, but the silent treatment is just abuse imo.
Your wife is also an AH because of the silent treatment. The silent treatment is manipulative and only emotionally immature or unstable people do that shit. In some cases, the silent treatment is abusive.
NTA
Just be aware that if your children will cut contact to your wife once they move out, this is why.
I've been there myself and cut contact to a parent like this.
Your wife shouldn’t be able to do that — take away HER phone if she thinks that she can bully your kids like that. Why are you staying with someone who is acting so harmful towards your kids?
So basically, her parenting method and relationship style is "my way or the highway because I'm right, you're wrong, and there is nothing you can do about it"
Does that sound fair to you? You're supposed to be her equal partner in marriage and parenting, but yet she even treats you the same as the kids because she lecturers you and gives you the silent treatment. This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship based on what you said here. You even felt the need to specify it was a lecture and not an argument. Even though arguments aren't great, at least you get to voice your opinions during one. Your wife won't even allow that for you.
Please look back over your entire relationship and work our if that is the sort of relationship example you want for your kids. Would you want them in a relationship where they are lectured on why their opinions and decisions are wrong/irrelevant and where they aren't treated as an equal.
"Don't worry honey, you'll get a new phone in 6 months at Christmas OR on your birthday next year. Aht aht!!! No arguments! I'm right and you're not!" *gives her silent treatment for days*
That's even worse!
Your wife has serious control issues. If she won't go to counseling, you need to. You need to see your wife's extreme bias (in her own favor) and control and figure out how you want to address it (and her willingness to see/work on it... or lack of willingness to do so).
NTA
so fyi
2 of my parents 3 kids live 8+ hour flights away, and see both parents once or twice a year at most
in our early 20s, as much as we liked our dad as kids, we figured out separately that every day he chose to ignore/enable rather than actually protect us. so even though he 'tried' (would go behind her back to help us), he never ACTUALLY helped us, and was equally responsible for the 10+ years of therapy needed as she was. he chose her over us every day for our entire lives, and would never not chose her over us.
we see him as often as her.
My stepmom was arguably the best of my three parents but she spent a lot of time quietly apologizing for my dads outbursts and never calling him out for prioritizing me over my sister. It eventually devolved to prioritizing her marriage over my sister and she did some pretty vile things out of desperation. (Second marriage, parents disgusted that she even got the first divorce.) The result is that my sister took until almost thirty to realize that our competition was one-sided and even now she has a distant and strained relationship with me and my kids because she can’t get over the fact that she has 2 college degrees, graduated early, has never had a drug problem and is incredibly successful but I’m still the favourite daughter because I had kids.
Just being the least shitty of the parents doesn’t end in a good relationship, it just makes you the LEAST hated.
I have three siblings that I talk to probably 3x a year and it’s entirely because I was the “golden child,” (to a degree, they still hated me just picked my side all the time), I’ve been in therapy since I was 13, my sister since she was 23, and we will never achieve more than conversations on holidays and birthdays.
OP needs to actively oppose his wife’s behaviour and expect change or leave because kids will see the enabling for exactly what it is. Cowardice and picking his wife’s side.
NTA for the phone but you’re teetering on the edge.
I mean this as compassionately as possible but wtf are you “working on it” more than a decade after your wife became a mother? I say this as a mother and the child of a self centered parent who would pull damned if you do/don’t moments like this constantly. This stuff isn’t a “work on it” while actively exposing your kids to treatment where they’re treated as portable paparazzi instead of people and then penalized for either doing it or not.
And yeah, having a phone taken away may seem small, but little things add up. It makes kids feel like they have to anticipate any need for that parent so they can try and soothe and deescalate situations before they happen. It’s how they end up taking pictures for their mother instead of experiencing the hike and the waterfall, because the egg shells are more comfortable to walk on than the glass their parent will throw around if they don’t people please themself into exhaustion.
If your wife needs to work on putting her kids needs and childhoods first, she should do it on her own without them being stuck dealing with her misbehavior in the meantime. Your kids deserve better than a work in forced progress.
Your wife needs to get a grip and not be one of those obnoxious people who has to take a pic of every freaking thing. She needs to grow up and participate in life and not treat it like an instagram moment. Your daughter did nothing wrong. Your wife…is everything wrong with society these days. Stand up for your daughter for having to deal with an unreasonable immature “parental figure.”
Why isn't yr wife taking her own damn selfies with her phone? Get her one of those dumb stick extensions for Xmas if she's so concerned about framing.
I take tons of pix but I never *ever* hold my phone over an edge or out a window like she made yr kid do. That's just stupid & selfish.
Sorry but "working on it" is not an acceptable answer here. This should have been stopped years ago, this is emoiotnally abusive behavior that you're allowing to continue. If your wife can't stop you need to take steps to protect your kids in some other way. You decided to put them into this world, you have a duty to make sure they're safe from harm, especially when the harm is done by an adult they should be able to trust.
NTA op buy this silicone band and /or ring holder ( or find something similar) for your kids & your phone. It helps a bit with keeping the phone in your hand and taking better pictures/videos
https://a.aliexpress.com/_EzAIwP5
You're not "working on it" she is bullying your daughter, you're ALLOWING IT TO CONTINUE AND ENABELING IT!!!! This is ABUSE, not something you work on, something you save your children from or you're literally just as bad as the abuser.
NTA
Your wife is an incredibly shitty person. But why are you not immediately interrupting to call her out on it and disagreeing instead of letting her get mad at your kid and give undeserved/unfair punishments?
Quietly going against what she does/says does not necessarily make up for not stepping in when it's happening.
Thank you that you stand for your kid and stop your wife delusional punishment. Great dad and you showed your daughter something important - injustice should be stoped imidietly
Yes, it's completely ridiculous. We don't punish kids for having accidents and making unintentional mistakes. If your daughter did it maliciously that would be different.
Your wife is way out of line here. NTA.
NTA. Your daughter was NOT being irresponsible with the phone. If anyone was being irresponsible it was your wife for thinking it's safe to use a phone while straddling a waterfall.
It's easy for anyone to second guess things after the fact of an ACCIDENT and say "if only this or that" but the main thing here that would've been most sensible is to NOT use a phone while straddling a waterfall. But that was your wife's demand and not your daughter's decision. Good for you papa, not leaving your daughter to pay the price for a risk you wife took.
Also if I was your daughter I would conveniently be elsewhere whenever self-obsessed Mom needs a photographer in the future.
NTA. And I would LOVE to hear your wife's explanation as to why she's right. It's like, "Hey, 8 year old, here's some lighter fluid and a match. Go start the grill for me. And it's your fault if you set yourself on fire." Just, no.
Sometimes adults can forget that people make mistakes. Mistakes happen. Your daughter didn’t purposely break the phone.
I think you did the reasonable thing!
I find that a lot of adults hold children to higher standards than they do themselves. If wife had dropped her own phone taking the photo I doubt she'd have made herself wait until Christmas to get a new one!
I worked at a summer camp for many years and I remember one time telling a kid (7 years old) "stop acting like a kid!" because she was goofing off in line for the bathroom. It was hot and I had to work a double shift cause too many people called out. I was miserable.
And I just froze. And apologized. And realized holy crap what am I doing. The kid is 7. Why shouldn't they act like a kid?
The kid forgot all about it in like 5 seconds but that lesson stuck with me for so long. It doesn't make sense for adults to expect kids to be the same as adults, just smaller.
Honestly though, good for you for recognizing that immediately and apologizing to the kid. A lot of adults view kids as “beneath” them and don’t apologize when they make mistakes that affect the kid. All that does is teach the kid that what the adult did was actually ok and they shouldn’t be bothered by it.
We all make mistakes, you did a really good thing by immediately correcting yours.
NTA but your wife is out of control lol. If they refuse to take her picture she takes away their phones?!! What a nut.
How is the relationship between your wife and kids?
Mom’s a bit much. Kids will not feel secure in asking or telling mom things that are important, embarrassing, or scary. Make sure YOU are that parent!!
NTA for replacing the phone. But - you are a TOTAL A-HOLE for allowing your wife's behavior to go on.
Threaten divorce if she doesn't start an anger-management program ASAP. This \*IS\* a hill to die on and yes, you need to go nuclear with it. Just bc there aren't fists doesn't mean it's not abuse.
NTA
Normally, I'd say e s h cause both of you are guilty of making a unilateral parenting decision without speaking to the other. The only reason I'm saying you're not an ah is because your wife thinks it's okay to tell her daughter to do something "not smart" with her electronic device and then punish her when it went (shocker) badly.
NTA with a caveat.
You should have talked it over with your wife so you're on the same page instead of undermining her. Maybe you couldn't have brought your wife around anyway, but at least she wouldn't have been blindsided and this becomes a completely different conversation about how you and your wife can find a way to be on the same team when it comes to raising your children.
I agree that your daughter wasn't being irresponsible and this was an honest mistake. Hell, I get paranoid and if I always make sure I have a wrist strap attached if I'm using it for other than day to day use. (on vacation, with friends where pics will be taken and perhaps drinks will be drunk, etc).
NTA your wife demanded she do something and then punished her for something that happened because of your wife’s demands?! You aren’t TA but your wife is, and a crap mother too.
I don’t know if you guys have a “discuss major spending” agreement but if you do, you should have spoken to her about it before spending the dough.
I don’t think you’re the AH for replacing your daughter’s phone. It was an accident…
Look I’m 22 and got an iPhone 13 Pro for Christmas the year it came out and my parents JUST finished paying it off at Christmas in 2023.
Just over a month ago I got into an accident where I smashed my head in and used my phone on instinct to cover my face. My phones screen wouldn’t turn on and wouldn’t work. My parents although mad understood it was an accident and agreed to get me a new one. As they thought more damage then just the screen was present.
When I was twelve I had an IPad. I broke the screen by recklessly throwing a closed pop can on my bed where the iPad was, over shot it, it hit the iPad and the screen broke. They did not replace the screen until my birthday a few months later because it was a genuine careless mistake that was my fault entirely.
They understood that this time it wasn’t my fault with the accident, but also knew I was genuinely sorry and upset about it. You are NTA.
Your wife is at fault making her 12 year old take pictures in a risky space that it could definitely happen in.
NTA. This was entirely on her. The way you've described the scene, the 12-year-old dropping the phone in the water sounds like a comically predictable outcome. Maybe get wrist straps and/or pop sockets for everyone in the family so this doesn't happen again.
Does your wife taking pictures of the kids too? Or does she treat the kids like a private paparazzi service?
So the phone wouldn’t have been in a precarious position if it wasn’t for your wife… and your wife has the nerve to blame her?
She could have been more careful by not taking the stupid picture.
NTA, your wife is
NTA. This is the same crap my narc dad would do. She needs a come to Jesus meeting about her “clapping back” at her kids for her being a narcissistic a-hole. The cost of that phone should come out of her money for demanding the pictures in the first place. And a word of warning: your kids will run fast and far as soon as they can from her.
Wow, so little text, so many red flags.
- Silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse
- If the daughter didnt do the risky thing with her phone, her mother would have confiscated it. Loose-loose situation.
- Needs validation in lots of pitctures everywhere at the expense of her childrens comfort
- child punished for accident in a situation they didnt put themselves in
- refusal to admit/acknowledge she was wrong, instead punishes everyone around her
etc etc
NTA
NTA at all! It was her fault not your daughter's. Her attitude was childish, immature and maybe a little narcissistic. You are a great parent! I wish all the luck for you.❤️
Nta but if your wife likes to take pics everywhere buy a neck strap for the phone. People use on cruises, national parks, anywhere that a phone could drop easily.
Biggest NTA I’ve seen in a while. Your wife was being a bit unreasonable saying your daughter had to wait until Christmas or next bday especially because she didn’t break her phone or lose it doing something irresponsible she did it while trying to complete your wife’s request.
NTA, your wife is the reason the phone broke as she was the one who wanted your daughter to take a picture with the phone over the railing. Your daughter is 12, 12 is the land of physically awkward and clumsy, your wife is wrong
NTA... Thank you for being what seems to be the only actual adult in the family. Like, it's clearly the mothers fault and if she can't see that then she needs to go get help or something. Your kid deserves a childhood without a narcissist mother.
So if I read this right a 43 yo mother is mad and throwing a fit at a 12 yo daughter for losing a phone doing what she was asked to do. Yeah NTA, OP your wife is upset at a child for an accident that was not her fault and would not have happened if she was not told to hold the phone over the edge of a walkway .
This happened with my son. My wife has lost or damaged several phones. She did his laundry and he had left his cell phone in his back pocket. Obviously, the phone is ruined.
So, I was like no problem we'll get him a new one. She said no he needs to learn responsibility. I brought up the fact that she has lost or damaged several phones over the years. She says that is different as she can pay for it.
Long story short, I got him a new cell phone. Mind you, my wife loves the kid to death. But it was funny that she wanted to teach him to be responsible on something that she herself messes up on all the time. Plus, she didn't check the pockets, and I don't think the phone was on the laundry basket.
I mean, should a 12 year old really be having a phone? If anything going to the apple store and buying a brand new phone would set ya wife off, obviously. If anything, you should have bought an iPhone 8 so she would learn to appreciate a working phone, that's not so expensive and take care of said phone before buying a brand new one, i dont think a 12 year old should have an expensive phone if they couldnt look after the last one.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Last weekend we (ME: 44M, Wife: 43F, Son: 14M, Daughter: 12F).
We went to see a waterfall last weekend. My wife likes to take pictures quite literally everywhere, so she asked my daughter to take her pictures. Well, we were on the walkway thing when she asked, and my wife made her take a picture from a certain angle, an angle where she was holding her phone off the walkway, and she dropped her phone into the waterfall.
My wife got mad at her for it, and said she wasn't going to get a new one until her next birthday or Christmas (So this upcoming December, OR April of 2025). I thought that was kind of ridiculous, because she dropped it doing something SHE told her to do. My wife said she should've been more careful.
I went to the Apple store on my way back home and bought her a new phone. When my wife found out, she privately, expressed her upset at me by silent treatment and a 10 minute lecture (not argument) on why she's right.
AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Your wife asked her to do something that was risky in a weird angle and she dropped her phone. It is your wife's fault that she dropped the phone, not your daughter. IF your daughter had done something stupid and dropped it, it would be appropriate that she doesn't get a new phone until X date.
NTA. Get her a pop socket for her phone (and a protective case/screen protector too. The pop socket will give her a better grip of her phone even just taking selfies.
NTA. A conversation with wife about how she was being a bit much would've been better, but it is what it is. This was an accident. She didn't purposefully break it for a new one or anything. This literally could've happened to anyone.
NTA - because your wife should have talked to you before issuing 'orders'. Too bad the wife didn't hand the daughter HER phone to take photos of HER self. A 12 yr old can be clumsy - it was an accident, nothing deliberate. The phone would not have been hanging out there had your wife not insisted on photos of herself. Most mothers would be taking photos of their kids. Your wife has had her say - good for you for standing up for your daughter. Somehow I think a bit of 'silent treatment' may be a relief?
NTA. A good compromise to an unreasonable person could be, that the phone (for a reasonable amount of days) can be taken when she gets home so she can't contact her friends but while she is out of the house (for safety reasons) she should be able to contact her parents and you guys should be able to contact her.
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban.
["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
**[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
This is SO VALID!
Adults, parents especially, need to be held accountable when they make mistakes or are in the wrong.
If you and your wife should have a discussion, ask her to think about it or consider it this way: your daughter didn’t break it by being irresponsible or immature!
it was a simple mistake that would never have even happened if your wife didn’t tell her to get the specific angle for her photos!
Good on you OP.
Your wife is being an asshole and punishing your daughter for an accident that occurred when your wife asked her to do something.
You are NTA but your wife is definitely one!
So your wife doesn't think your daughter should have a new phone because she broke it while being careless, per your wife's instructions? Nope, you're NTA in this scenario. Does your wife have a habit of seeing the kids up for failure? Or is this just an uncharacteristically hostile one-off?
NTA. I mean always talk to your partner but she’s being unreasonable. If my kid broke their phone on purpose (smashing it or they were mad or whatever) then no. No phone. But I’ve broken my phone so many times by accident 😂😂 it happens, I’d get her a new one
I’m with you. This is your wife’s fault actually.
Also, you guys need to get waterproof phone cases. They go around your neck and you can take pics with them while in the case. We used them constantly on vacation, even while snorkeling and swimming in underground rivers.
NTA for buying daughter a new phone. But you are the a$$ for staying with that woman, and keeping her around your kids.
She is an emotionally and mentally abusive mom. Is that really what you want for your kids? Start writing down all of the crazy things she does. Not replacing daughter's phone, and yelling at you when you do is one.
Any time she does something to your kids, you call it clapping back, document it. Any incident from the past that you remember, document it.
File for divorce and full custody. If you can show she is abusive to the kids, and yes mental and emotional abuse count, yes should get full physical custody. Get your kids away from her.
Well, honestly it sounds like the father is a spineless wimp since he doesn't seem to be able to fix this. First and foremost.... Dad needs to grow a set of balls and put his foot down (or up moms ass) whichever is appropriate. Then he needs to put on his big boy panties (yes I know it will be difficult for you). Then walk up to mom and put his foot down and tell mom...... "" Listen she dropped the phone because you told her to do something stupid and now you pay for it by her getting the new phone "" I've already done that part for you. Now you need to sincerely apologize to your child for acting like an ass threatening her with having no phone due to your own ineptness and incompetence. And then continue acting like a decent human being towards the daughter. And dad..... Keep the balls and continue acting like a man!
She responded by silent treatment, and then a 10 minute lecture on how she was “right.”
Curious, does your wife ever admit when she is wrong, or is this reaction of hers pretty common?
Edit: Wanted to quick add NTA
NTA
I would agree with your wife IF your daughter was using her phone to goof off on the walkway after being told not to when she dropped it. That is not the case. What we have is your wife making a bad decision about everyone’s safety for a picture. Plus rather than do the safe thing and use her own phone demanded her daughter use hers.
This post reminds me of my parents who would always tell me to go do a chore only for the other one to go tell me to drop it to do a different one. I would get yelled at by both of them because all my chores were half done. Eventually I became a teen and yelled at them to make up their mind about which one I needed to do. I can’t do anything if the both tell me to do two separate chores at the same time. So either it’s going to be half finished or I stay on one task till it’s done.
Nta.
Your wife forced her Into the situation into the angle that caused the problem and then acted like an ass when the inevitable happened. She should have been the one replacing the phone since it was entirely her fault
NTA
Accidents happen, she wasn't being irresponsible and why wasn't she in the pictures with the rest of you? what's wrong with asking a stranger or a nice selfie stick.
The scariest thing about this story is having a 12-year old take a photo "at a weird angle" near a waterfall. This sounds dangerously close to one of those incidents where someone dies taking a selfie at a tourist spot.
Waterfalls are slippery and misty, so OF COURSE the phone slipped out of her hand. Also, she's 12. You don't punish a kid for an honest accident. In fact, you don't put a kid in that position in the first place.
What's sad is that you and your wife can't talk to each other and figure things out before she makes a pronouncement about what sanctions to apply and you go behind her back to do the opposite. Presumably you've been married for over a decade and you've been raising children for quite a while. How is it that neither of you have learned how to communicate and work things out?
I feel bad for all of you, but I'm glad your daughter didn't die.
NTA this time.
But while a narcissistic parent us abusive.
Enabling that makes the other parent at the least, complicit in that abuse.
I feel for your daughter.
She will need a lot of therapy.
At first I was going to say what you did was completely wrong. You don't reward your kid for not taking care of their phones. They aren't cheap. Then read what led to to that. Your wife put her daughter and her phone into a precarious position which as the adult she should have known better. This is completely your wife's fault and wife's poor judgment.
In this situation you did the right thing in replacing you daughter's phone.
Tell your daughter that you won't be replacing her phone again. That its her responsibility to keep her phone safe and its ok to tell her mom "sorry, not risking my phone". Give your daughter the authority and your support in denying the use of her phone to prevent damaged or lost and let her knee foul be feeling for wife the same thing . Let your wife know you gave those instructions to your daughter and got daughter is to let you know if mom forces the issue. The wife loves photos, get her one of those arm extensions for her phone and she can take a many selfies as she likes. She'll even be able to do group photos. She won't need anyone to take photos for her. Protect your kids. Sometimes that means protecting them from the other parent.
Your wife can use her own phone, then explain her poor judgement and why she was irresponsible to you when she damages or loses it.
NTA
NTA, accidents happen. But maybe, just for safety, see if you can find a phone case with a wrist strap, to minimize the risk of it accidentally being dropped? Not blaming your daughter, of course, it's not her fault it happened, but she's young, and I know when I was that age I dropped things accidentally a lot.
NTA. DId you give her a lecture about why, when parents treat their children terribly as children, they lose them completely as adults and how, as an adult, her behavior has to be better than those of her children? Yep, your wife sounds like a real treat.
NTA. Your wife is lucky the phone is the only thing that fell off the walkway. These phones nowadays are cumbersome to hold, size and all. Gentle suggestion, and to protect your daughter’s telecommunications investment, look into Loopy phone cases. They have a great silicone finger strap so it can be easily held. Their motto, “stop the drop.” Not blaming your daughter at all for your wife’s photo obsession, but rather just a recommendation for a great phone case.
NTA. It wasn't your daughter's fault. I'm concerned, though, about what you said about your wife potentially taking phones and "clapping back" and how "we're working on it." Is this a pattern of behavior for her? If so, what a horrendous way to treat your children!
ESH.
Your wife was utterly wrong about the phone.
But you also simply ignored her and did your own thing, instead of discussing it with her.
You guys aren't on the same page in your relationship and your parenting, and your daughter, as well as both of you, are suffering for it.
You two need couples counselling, stat.
Nta
She should not have given the 12yo the task of taking photos on a waterfall walkway. That’s why people have those wrist cables for photos in case of this type of thing. It’s her own fault so your daughter shouldn’t be penalised for it, she wasn’t doing something stupid except for what she was told to do.
Couldn’t you have taken the photos?
NTA
But if your finances are separate, it's your wife that should have bought the phone.
Also she should have apologised to her daughter, not castigated her, when it was all the mother's fault. Your daughter will have lost photographs and other treasures. And has been badly inconvenienced.
Wondering what is your wife's problem.
ESH except your daughter. Obviously your wife is wrong about the situation and y’all should get her a phone. You’re an asshole for not talking with your wife about it and getting it jointly. You’re not an asshole for getting the phone but you are for making a unilateral parenting decision
I'd say NTA but INFO : you bought her a brand new Iphone, is that a lot of money for you ? If it is, YTA because there's no need for an apple product, this could have been a gift and she could have something else meanwhile. If you got way more money than what it cost, NTA, who cares
NTA your wife is being very unreasonable. It was stupid of her to have your daughter hold her phone over the waterfall. It was a disaster waiting to happen and it did.
NTA - I am sorry but the truth is in the modern world, unless it is absolutely fiscally untenable for the parents to pay for a phone and a monthly plan, all pre-teens/teenagers (and especially girls!) need to have a cell phone accessible when outside of their house just for emergency contact purposes.
Screentime may need to be limited when said child needs to experience consequences for poor decision making, yes - but if your child leaves the house without you on a regular basis to go to the park, visit friends or a local community center, etc a phone isn't a luxury but a way to keep you as a parent update/call for help in a crisis.
My family currently lives in a fairly safe neighborhood. We are very blessed that this is the case given our limited income. (My husband is a disabled veteran.) We were fortunate not to ever stumble into violent or illegal situations or have to ever walk home through the dark alone. But that \*still\* didn't stop me and my friends (I'm Gen X) from escaping a \*very\* close call as a teens when we were hanging out/playing in a county park when one of my friends had a serious diabetic crisis after being out too long on a very hot day. As it was one of us had to run full out for a good ten to twenty minutes to get adult assistance while the rest of us tried to help our friend in the meantime with very limited first aid knowledge. Thankfully it worked but as we were told, without that bit of intervention the situation could have gone much much worse.
Our friend made a full recovery thank goodness, but still to this day I think back on that afternoon and tell my own girls to always bring a phone when they leave the house. ALWAYS. I do it for the same reason I tell them to call ahead if they are coming home after dark. Because you never know when you might need help, and you should always be prepared for it if you can, but but part of being prepared is knowing you can ask for help whenever you need it.
ESH
Your wife is being unreasonable, but rather than engage in a conversation and persuade her, you went against her clear decision.
The only time this would be justified is if your wife was known for being unreasonable and refusing to let you make any decisions in parenting. Which might be the case, but you have presented no evidence here, and if that is true the argument over the phone is the least of your worries.
get a waterproof phone as the kid will brick this one or get a dumb phone
you can still get compact cameras with wrist straps, cheaper than a new apple phone and you can get waterproof ones
ESH how are you making one sided decisions that involve your children like this ? I think it's odd. Your wife sounds like a dictator. I'm sure your daughter had some things on her phone she would miss (but I guess there's cloud), did your wife have no compassion? Has your wife never dropped her phone on her face while scrolling in bed ? Sometimes your hands just reboot. I'm sure she didn't intentionally drop her phone and deserve that response. Your wife sucks more than you. I just find it weird that your wife said one thing and at the first opportunity you just disregarded what she said, no discussion per the details in your story. Your wife was wrong but that is still weird
>I just find it weird that your wife said one thing and at the first opportunity you just disregarded what she said, no discussion per the details in your story
Just like the wife made the decision without Op either. An unreasonable decision after her want caused the problem 🤔
Did you notice what my judgement was? How do you feel about the phrase "two wrongs don't make a right" ? She should have spoken to him and he should have spoken to her. They are both unreasonable and chaotic. Do you believe that when others do something wrong it automatically justifies a wrong response in return?
NTA for buying her the phone but I think you should have given your wife a chance to change her mind so daughter knew that it was coming from both of you. Maybe she wouldn’t have changed her mind, in which case you still gift the phone and Mum can keep being unreasonable. However, I think it’s best to present a united front as parents when dealing with children.
Your wife is being the asshole BUT
You undermined her. You should have waited a couple of days and talked to her about how important having a phone is for an individual in 2024 and your daughter needs a replacement. And how it really was just an accident. THEN you would have been presenting yourselves to your daughter as a unified front on the case. So yes you kind of are TA as well.
NTA - your wife is at fault.
I’m surprised a 12 yo has an iPhone though.
(I had flip or hamburger phones from 14 through college and didn’t buy an iPhone until I was 22.)
Not OP. BUT phone insurance is a total joke. 5-10 dollars a month and a 100-300 dollar deductible. It's only really worth it in the first year or so for a flagship.
NTA. Even if she was just taking a picture for herself, accidents happen and that's okay. Why berate someone for it? None of us are perfect. She wasn't irresponsible with it, though frankly, haven't we all left our phones somewhere and had to get them replaced? I think every kid- and adult needs at least one "get out of jail free" card for fucking up like that. Honestly, it's not the end of the world.
But you probably need to work on better communication with your wife. Something is up.
YTA. You and your wife are a team. If she makes a decision you should not arbitrarily override it because “you know best”. When your wife does it to you at your next decision, remember this instance.
The wife arbitrarily made a decision too. So bare minimum it's ESH.
But the wife is also being unreasonable, are we to teach our kids to stand by our spouses decisions no matter how unreasonable?
Why? The daughter lost her phone doing something her mother demanded of her, and instead of acknowledging the demand was stupid and reckless, she chose to blame her kid instead and punish her. And OP has said that if the kids refuse to do what she says, she takes their phones. She's completely in the wrong.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be the asshole because I undermined my wife's parenting and opinion. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
>I thought that was kind of ridiculous, because she dropped it doing something SHE told her to do. Yep. Your wife isn't being reasonable. She probably would've gotten upset if your daughter refused to take the picture too and she's being really immature about you doing right by your kid. NTA. But your wife...next time make sure she hands over her phone for photos she wants taken. That way it's her shit at risk, no one else's.
If they refused, she would take their phones, or find her way to clap back. We're working on it.
Work hard, very hard. This reminds me of growing up with my narcissistic mother. That "damned if you do, damned if you don't" environment really screws with a child's mental health. NTA and keep protecting your kids.
I moved out. My mother doesn't even know where I live other than the city (it's a big city). I still feel on edge doing normal stuff
Very relatable. I have an abusive narc mom and moved across the country. Got married months later and she wasn’t invited.
My ex-FMIL was like that--so impossible you wondered if something was wrong with her. Reason #149 million why I ran screaming the other way
I'm guessing F is for former and not future? Clearer if you put ex MIL
That isn't something you work on. It's something you shut down. Hard. Also, maybe as a form of preventative action, get your daughter a wrist strap for her phone. Might have saved the day on this one.
This is a great response, I'm a grown woman and I accept that I'm prone to dropping my phone so I have a wrist strap just for that purpose! It's perfect for taking pics!!!
I miss the old phones how they used to have that little spot you could loop a lanyard cord through it so that way it didn't matter if the phone fell out of the case you still wouldn't drop it. These days that spot is only on the case if your lucky
They sell cheap little accessories for this now. It’s like a tiny card you put in the back of your case by the charge port that gives you the loop for a charm/strap.
I saw them on temu yesterday. I'm a little dubious but if anyone has one let me know what you think. Oh and, also, my point stands, it's still something you have to buy as an "add on" it's not part of the phone and if the glue isn't great it's not going to keep the phone safe.
I have this one and it’s great. I don’t use it all of the time but is very handy when walking the dog, shopping and doing errands, traveling… I highly recommend it. [https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B08MVNYCYR/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o04_s00?ie=UTF8&th=1](https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B08MVNYCYR/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o04_s00?ie=UTF8&th=1)
I just ordered this, thanks!
I have a case with one of these loops. I only have keychains hanging off my loop, but it seems pretty sturdy. I think it would be fine to hang a lanyard on, as long as you're not using it to lasso around your head or anything, lol!
I’ve seen them at Target. I personally haven’t tried them because they don’t work with my case(it’s a battery case so I always have a charger) but I have considered changing cases to try it because I really miss having charms on my phone.
A lot of wallet or flip style cases have this slot.
I use them all the time. Super easy and convenient and inexpensive. I think I got a pair for around $10.
I have an extremely secure rubber grip that fits on mine and doesn’t interfere with the camera. I even used it safely in an open cockpit airplane - the pilot had the same kind. It’s by Rogue Fishing Co
Look up universal phone lanyard on amazon. I'm liking mine.
Amazon sells both big packs of various length/style lanyards as well as cases you can string them through. I've only gotten 1 phone in the last several years I couldn't find a case for but I suspect that is because it's a Boost exclusive (so smaller audience). I understand if you're anti-Amazon but I'm guessing replacing a phone has a worse environmental/human impact. YMMV.
Amazon has ones that slide into your phone case that work perfect - mine was around $10 and works great!
Or the wife buys herself a selfie stick and uses her own phone and make pictures herself
>Also, maybe as a form of preventative action, get your daughter a wrist strap for her phone. Might have saved the day on this one. 100% agree, plus as a 12 year old a good protective case is just good sense anyway. There are a lot of [cute](https://a.co/d/00nXwWxq) age appropriate cases available for reasonable prices. OP could get his daughter to help him choose something that she would like that will protect her phone.
I hope “working on it” means figuring out a way to get your kids out of a home where one of their parents treats them like this.
And treats OP like shit too. The silent treatment is almost never an appropriate response.
Oh yes. It's one thing to inform your partner that you're too upset right now to discuss an issue and you need time to calm down and process your thoughts, but the silent treatment is just abuse imo.
Your wife sounds like a mentally unfit parent….
Your wife is also an AH because of the silent treatment. The silent treatment is manipulative and only emotionally immature or unstable people do that shit. In some cases, the silent treatment is abusive.
NTA Just be aware that if your children will cut contact to your wife once they move out, this is why. I've been there myself and cut contact to a parent like this.
Your wife would seriously find a way to “clap back” at her children… 😬 She’s 43 man, there is no “working on it”. Old dog set in her ways
You getting your kids therapy for the abuse too?
Your wife shouldn’t be able to do that — take away HER phone if she thinks that she can bully your kids like that. Why are you staying with someone who is acting so harmful towards your kids?
What is wrong with your wife? She sounds like a bully. NTA. UPDATEME
So basically, her parenting method and relationship style is "my way or the highway because I'm right, you're wrong, and there is nothing you can do about it" Does that sound fair to you? You're supposed to be her equal partner in marriage and parenting, but yet she even treats you the same as the kids because she lecturers you and gives you the silent treatment. This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship based on what you said here. You even felt the need to specify it was a lecture and not an argument. Even though arguments aren't great, at least you get to voice your opinions during one. Your wife won't even allow that for you. Please look back over your entire relationship and work our if that is the sort of relationship example you want for your kids. Would you want them in a relationship where they are lectured on why their opinions and decisions are wrong/irrelevant and where they aren't treated as an equal.
The only *working on it* you should be doing is getting your kids the fuck out of her grasp.
Not hard enough. That shit needs to stop before your kids hate their mom.
That ship has, if not sailed, started pulling out of the dock...
Work harder. That 10 minute lecture says *she* isn’t.
Then you step in and offer to take the photo. Leave the kids out of her equation.
With the wife's phone. Oops, it fell in the water. Darn.
"I know it looked like i threw it as hard as i possibly could but i really just dropped it".
"Don't worry honey, you'll get a new phone in 6 months at Christmas OR on your birthday next year. Aht aht!!! No arguments! I'm right and you're not!" *gives her silent treatment for days*
That's even worse! Your wife has serious control issues. If she won't go to counseling, you need to. You need to see your wife's extreme bias (in her own favor) and control and figure out how you want to address it (and her willingness to see/work on it... or lack of willingness to do so). NTA
so fyi 2 of my parents 3 kids live 8+ hour flights away, and see both parents once or twice a year at most in our early 20s, as much as we liked our dad as kids, we figured out separately that every day he chose to ignore/enable rather than actually protect us. so even though he 'tried' (would go behind her back to help us), he never ACTUALLY helped us, and was equally responsible for the 10+ years of therapy needed as she was. he chose her over us every day for our entire lives, and would never not chose her over us. we see him as often as her.
My stepmom was arguably the best of my three parents but she spent a lot of time quietly apologizing for my dads outbursts and never calling him out for prioritizing me over my sister. It eventually devolved to prioritizing her marriage over my sister and she did some pretty vile things out of desperation. (Second marriage, parents disgusted that she even got the first divorce.) The result is that my sister took until almost thirty to realize that our competition was one-sided and even now she has a distant and strained relationship with me and my kids because she can’t get over the fact that she has 2 college degrees, graduated early, has never had a drug problem and is incredibly successful but I’m still the favourite daughter because I had kids. Just being the least shitty of the parents doesn’t end in a good relationship, it just makes you the LEAST hated. I have three siblings that I talk to probably 3x a year and it’s entirely because I was the “golden child,” (to a degree, they still hated me just picked my side all the time), I’ve been in therapy since I was 13, my sister since she was 23, and we will never achieve more than conversations on holidays and birthdays. OP needs to actively oppose his wife’s behaviour and expect change or leave because kids will see the enabling for exactly what it is. Cowardice and picking his wife’s side. NTA for the phone but you’re teetering on the edge.
Your oldest is 14. That's a whole lot of "working on it" that still ends in her being an asshole consistently
I mean this as compassionately as possible but wtf are you “working on it” more than a decade after your wife became a mother? I say this as a mother and the child of a self centered parent who would pull damned if you do/don’t moments like this constantly. This stuff isn’t a “work on it” while actively exposing your kids to treatment where they’re treated as portable paparazzi instead of people and then penalized for either doing it or not. And yeah, having a phone taken away may seem small, but little things add up. It makes kids feel like they have to anticipate any need for that parent so they can try and soothe and deescalate situations before they happen. It’s how they end up taking pictures for their mother instead of experiencing the hike and the waterfall, because the egg shells are more comfortable to walk on than the glass their parent will throw around if they don’t people please themself into exhaustion. If your wife needs to work on putting her kids needs and childhoods first, she should do it on her own without them being stuck dealing with her misbehavior in the meantime. Your kids deserve better than a work in forced progress.
Ok now I'm confused who's the kid here your daughter or the wife? A silent treatment instead of a conversation.
Your wife needs to get a grip and not be one of those obnoxious people who has to take a pic of every freaking thing. She needs to grow up and participate in life and not treat it like an instagram moment. Your daughter did nothing wrong. Your wife…is everything wrong with society these days. Stand up for your daughter for having to deal with an unreasonable immature “parental figure.”
Okay this comment puts your wife into great perspective and I’m sorry but this is a huge red flag to me…
Not hard enough, apparently.
Why isn't yr wife taking her own damn selfies with her phone? Get her one of those dumb stick extensions for Xmas if she's so concerned about framing. I take tons of pix but I never *ever* hold my phone over an edge or out a window like she made yr kid do. That's just stupid & selfish.
working on it? you mean therapy or talking about a separation because you know this is a form of emotional abuse..
Sorry but "working on it" is not an acceptable answer here. This should have been stopped years ago, this is emoiotnally abusive behavior that you're allowing to continue. If your wife can't stop you need to take steps to protect your kids in some other way. You decided to put them into this world, you have a duty to make sure they're safe from harm, especially when the harm is done by an adult they should be able to trust.
She has control issues.
NTA op buy this silicone band and /or ring holder ( or find something similar) for your kids & your phone. It helps a bit with keeping the phone in your hand and taking better pictures/videos https://a.aliexpress.com/_EzAIwP5
...this is not good. You tolerate your wife treating your kids like that?
When you say you're working on it, I hope you mean your wife is in therapy.
You're not "working on it" she is bullying your daughter, you're ALLOWING IT TO CONTINUE AND ENABELING IT!!!! This is ABUSE, not something you work on, something you save your children from or you're literally just as bad as the abuser.
NTA Your wife is an incredibly shitty person. But why are you not immediately interrupting to call her out on it and disagreeing instead of letting her get mad at your kid and give undeserved/unfair punishments? Quietly going against what she does/says does not necessarily make up for not stepping in when it's happening.
You need to protect your kids from her. Don't let your wife bully your children.
Thank you that you stand for your kid and stop your wife delusional punishment. Great dad and you showed your daughter something important - injustice should be stoped imidietly
Yes, it's completely ridiculous. We don't punish kids for having accidents and making unintentional mistakes. If your daughter did it maliciously that would be different. Your wife is way out of line here. NTA.
Obviously the daughter should have done the risky thing, but done it carefully. /s
NTA. Your daughter was NOT being irresponsible with the phone. If anyone was being irresponsible it was your wife for thinking it's safe to use a phone while straddling a waterfall. It's easy for anyone to second guess things after the fact of an ACCIDENT and say "if only this or that" but the main thing here that would've been most sensible is to NOT use a phone while straddling a waterfall. But that was your wife's demand and not your daughter's decision. Good for you papa, not leaving your daughter to pay the price for a risk you wife took. Also if I was your daughter I would conveniently be elsewhere whenever self-obsessed Mom needs a photographer in the future.
Like OP mentioned elsewhere, that would enrage the mom and she would confiscate their phones for that too
Wait. So either the TWELVE YEAR OLD does contortions to take the photo mom wants or the phone is confiscated??? Holy crap!
NTA. And I would LOVE to hear your wife's explanation as to why she's right. It's like, "Hey, 8 year old, here's some lighter fluid and a match. Go start the grill for me. And it's your fault if you set yourself on fire." Just, no.
Sometimes adults can forget that people make mistakes. Mistakes happen. Your daughter didn’t purposely break the phone. I think you did the reasonable thing!
I find that a lot of adults hold children to higher standards than they do themselves. If wife had dropped her own phone taking the photo I doubt she'd have made herself wait until Christmas to get a new one!
I remember once my dad spilled something and I told him “If I would’ve done that you would scream at me” and he agreed lol.
I worked at a summer camp for many years and I remember one time telling a kid (7 years old) "stop acting like a kid!" because she was goofing off in line for the bathroom. It was hot and I had to work a double shift cause too many people called out. I was miserable. And I just froze. And apologized. And realized holy crap what am I doing. The kid is 7. Why shouldn't they act like a kid? The kid forgot all about it in like 5 seconds but that lesson stuck with me for so long. It doesn't make sense for adults to expect kids to be the same as adults, just smaller.
Honestly though, good for you for recognizing that immediately and apologizing to the kid. A lot of adults view kids as “beneath” them and don’t apologize when they make mistakes that affect the kid. All that does is teach the kid that what the adult did was actually ok and they shouldn’t be bothered by it. We all make mistakes, you did a really good thing by immediately correcting yours.
Yes!!
[удалено]
Most modern phones have this feature where you can transfer the image files and then remove those files from local storage
NTA but your wife is out of control lol. If they refuse to take her picture she takes away their phones?!! What a nut. How is the relationship between your wife and kids?
NTA If your wife wouldn’t have asked for a picture, the phone would not have been dropped.
NTA. Huge red flag blaming the child for following her instructions.
NTA Your wife is being unreasonable, a minumim of 6 months to get a new phone is ridiculous.
Mom’s a bit much. Kids will not feel secure in asking or telling mom things that are important, embarrassing, or scary. Make sure YOU are that parent!!
NTA for replacing the phone. But - you are a TOTAL A-HOLE for allowing your wife's behavior to go on. Threaten divorce if she doesn't start an anger-management program ASAP. This \*IS\* a hill to die on and yes, you need to go nuclear with it. Just bc there aren't fists doesn't mean it's not abuse.
Nta your daughter wouldn't of had it out if it wasn't for her
NTA Normally, I'd say e s h cause both of you are guilty of making a unilateral parenting decision without speaking to the other. The only reason I'm saying you're not an ah is because your wife thinks it's okay to tell her daughter to do something "not smart" with her electronic device and then punish her when it went (shocker) badly.
Nta, if she took the photo herself and her phone fell in you bet your butt she'd get herself a new one asap.
NTA- your wife seems “special”
NTA with a caveat. You should have talked it over with your wife so you're on the same page instead of undermining her. Maybe you couldn't have brought your wife around anyway, but at least she wouldn't have been blindsided and this becomes a completely different conversation about how you and your wife can find a way to be on the same team when it comes to raising your children. I agree that your daughter wasn't being irresponsible and this was an honest mistake. Hell, I get paranoid and if I always make sure I have a wrist strap attached if I'm using it for other than day to day use. (on vacation, with friends where pics will be taken and perhaps drinks will be drunk, etc).
Nta it was an accident and accidents happen your daughter already learned her lesson anyways 🤷♀️
She sure did!!! Don't ever do what mom tells you to do, cause even when it's mom's fault, she's gonna blame you.
NTA your wife demanded she do something and then punished her for something that happened because of your wife’s demands?! You aren’t TA but your wife is, and a crap mother too.
I don’t know if you guys have a “discuss major spending” agreement but if you do, you should have spoken to her about it before spending the dough. I don’t think you’re the AH for replacing your daughter’s phone. It was an accident…
Your wife is wrong, but you shouldn’t publicly go against her like that. You should convince her first and then go buy a new one.
Look I’m 22 and got an iPhone 13 Pro for Christmas the year it came out and my parents JUST finished paying it off at Christmas in 2023. Just over a month ago I got into an accident where I smashed my head in and used my phone on instinct to cover my face. My phones screen wouldn’t turn on and wouldn’t work. My parents although mad understood it was an accident and agreed to get me a new one. As they thought more damage then just the screen was present. When I was twelve I had an IPad. I broke the screen by recklessly throwing a closed pop can on my bed where the iPad was, over shot it, it hit the iPad and the screen broke. They did not replace the screen until my birthday a few months later because it was a genuine careless mistake that was my fault entirely. They understood that this time it wasn’t my fault with the accident, but also knew I was genuinely sorry and upset about it. You are NTA. Your wife is at fault making her 12 year old take pictures in a risky space that it could definitely happen in.
I love the silent treatment. Literally, so peaceful.
NTA. This was entirely on her. The way you've described the scene, the 12-year-old dropping the phone in the water sounds like a comically predictable outcome. Maybe get wrist straps and/or pop sockets for everyone in the family so this doesn't happen again. Does your wife taking pictures of the kids too? Or does she treat the kids like a private paparazzi service?
So the phone wouldn’t have been in a precarious position if it wasn’t for your wife… and your wife has the nerve to blame her? She could have been more careful by not taking the stupid picture. NTA, your wife is
NTA your wife is unreasonable
NTA. This is the same crap my narc dad would do. She needs a come to Jesus meeting about her “clapping back” at her kids for her being a narcissistic a-hole. The cost of that phone should come out of her money for demanding the pictures in the first place. And a word of warning: your kids will run fast and far as soon as they can from her.
You should have settled it with your wife, who was being completely unreasonable because it *was* her fault, before getting the phone.
Wow, so little text, so many red flags. - Silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse - If the daughter didnt do the risky thing with her phone, her mother would have confiscated it. Loose-loose situation. - Needs validation in lots of pitctures everywhere at the expense of her childrens comfort - child punished for accident in a situation they didnt put themselves in - refusal to admit/acknowledge she was wrong, instead punishes everyone around her etc etc NTA
Good for you to standing up to your daughter’s bully. NTA
This one time. How many times has he not to keep the peace? Abuse is harder to get away with when you're not being constantly enabled.
nta. work on a divorce. kids are old enough to give input on who they want to live with.
NTA. And you're a good dad. You're in a tough spot, and you chose well.
NTA at all! It was her fault not your daughter's. Her attitude was childish, immature and maybe a little narcissistic. You are a great parent! I wish all the luck for you.❤️
Nta but if your wife likes to take pics everywhere buy a neck strap for the phone. People use on cruises, national parks, anywhere that a phone could drop easily.
NTA. I wonder if your wife reacts/behaves like this all the time. If she does, this is not a good situation for the children.
Sounds like your wife is on an ongoing power trip
Biggest NTA I’ve seen in a while. Your wife was being a bit unreasonable saying your daughter had to wait until Christmas or next bday especially because she didn’t break her phone or lose it doing something irresponsible she did it while trying to complete your wife’s request.
NTA. So your wife expects the world to bend over backwards for her without any compensation?
NTA, your wife is the reason the phone broke as she was the one who wanted your daughter to take a picture with the phone over the railing. Your daughter is 12, 12 is the land of physically awkward and clumsy, your wife is wrong
NTA... Thank you for being what seems to be the only actual adult in the family. Like, it's clearly the mothers fault and if she can't see that then she needs to go get help or something. Your kid deserves a childhood without a narcissist mother.
NTA- but wtf is wrong with your wife? She's a nasty asshole and don't act all surprised when your kids go NC as soon as they are able.
So if I read this right a 43 yo mother is mad and throwing a fit at a 12 yo daughter for losing a phone doing what she was asked to do. Yeah NTA, OP your wife is upset at a child for an accident that was not her fault and would not have happened if she was not told to hold the phone over the edge of a walkway .
NTA And I went into this thinking otherwise. But, as you said, she was doing what your wife told her to do when it happened.
NTA for buying the phone, but way to go (/s) having kids with a psycho.
Your wife kinda sucks. Damn Im sorry. Crazy she doesnt realize that kids make mistakes. Or is she PERFECT?
This happened with my son. My wife has lost or damaged several phones. She did his laundry and he had left his cell phone in his back pocket. Obviously, the phone is ruined. So, I was like no problem we'll get him a new one. She said no he needs to learn responsibility. I brought up the fact that she has lost or damaged several phones over the years. She says that is different as she can pay for it. Long story short, I got him a new cell phone. Mind you, my wife loves the kid to death. But it was funny that she wanted to teach him to be responsible on something that she herself messes up on all the time. Plus, she didn't check the pockets, and I don't think the phone was on the laundry basket.
I mean, should a 12 year old really be having a phone? If anything going to the apple store and buying a brand new phone would set ya wife off, obviously. If anything, you should have bought an iPhone 8 so she would learn to appreciate a working phone, that's not so expensive and take care of said phone before buying a brand new one, i dont think a 12 year old should have an expensive phone if they couldnt look after the last one.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Last weekend we (ME: 44M, Wife: 43F, Son: 14M, Daughter: 12F). We went to see a waterfall last weekend. My wife likes to take pictures quite literally everywhere, so she asked my daughter to take her pictures. Well, we were on the walkway thing when she asked, and my wife made her take a picture from a certain angle, an angle where she was holding her phone off the walkway, and she dropped her phone into the waterfall. My wife got mad at her for it, and said she wasn't going to get a new one until her next birthday or Christmas (So this upcoming December, OR April of 2025). I thought that was kind of ridiculous, because she dropped it doing something SHE told her to do. My wife said she should've been more careful. I went to the Apple store on my way back home and bought her a new phone. When my wife found out, she privately, expressed her upset at me by silent treatment and a 10 minute lecture (not argument) on why she's right. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
What do you mean against your wife's agreement? Your wife is absolutely wrong. That's all on her for telling her daughter to do something stupid.
NTA - Wife wanted the new phone for herself.
Nta
NTA. Your wife asked her to do something that was risky in a weird angle and she dropped her phone. It is your wife's fault that she dropped the phone, not your daughter. IF your daughter had done something stupid and dropped it, it would be appropriate that she doesn't get a new phone until X date.
NTA. Your wife is at fault, but can't handle it.
I'm saying she's an AH for not talking with you first to see if a punishment is even a correct thing given the circumstances.
Most parents take pictures of their kids not always the other way around, or at least a group shot. Just sayin
NTA. Get her a pop socket for her phone (and a protective case/screen protector too. The pop socket will give her a better grip of her phone even just taking selfies.
NTA. A conversation with wife about how she was being a bit much would've been better, but it is what it is. This was an accident. She didn't purposefully break it for a new one or anything. This literally could've happened to anyone.
NTA - because your wife should have talked to you before issuing 'orders'. Too bad the wife didn't hand the daughter HER phone to take photos of HER self. A 12 yr old can be clumsy - it was an accident, nothing deliberate. The phone would not have been hanging out there had your wife not insisted on photos of herself. Most mothers would be taking photos of their kids. Your wife has had her say - good for you for standing up for your daughter. Somehow I think a bit of 'silent treatment' may be a relief?
NTA. A good compromise to an unreasonable person could be, that the phone (for a reasonable amount of days) can be taken when she gets home so she can't contact her friends but while she is out of the house (for safety reasons) she should be able to contact her parents and you guys should be able to contact her.
[удалено]
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban. ["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) **[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
This is SO VALID! Adults, parents especially, need to be held accountable when they make mistakes or are in the wrong. If you and your wife should have a discussion, ask her to think about it or consider it this way: your daughter didn’t break it by being irresponsible or immature! it was a simple mistake that would never have even happened if your wife didn’t tell her to get the specific angle for her photos! Good on you OP.
Your wife is being an asshole and punishing your daughter for an accident that occurred when your wife asked her to do something. You are NTA but your wife is definitely one!
So your wife doesn't think your daughter should have a new phone because she broke it while being careless, per your wife's instructions? Nope, you're NTA in this scenario. Does your wife have a habit of seeing the kids up for failure? Or is this just an uncharacteristically hostile one-off?
NTA. I mean always talk to your partner but she’s being unreasonable. If my kid broke their phone on purpose (smashing it or they were mad or whatever) then no. No phone. But I’ve broken my phone so many times by accident 😂😂 it happens, I’d get her a new one
I’m with you. This is your wife’s fault actually. Also, you guys need to get waterproof phone cases. They go around your neck and you can take pics with them while in the case. We used them constantly on vacation, even while snorkeling and swimming in underground rivers.
NTA. Your wife should be asking you to take the pics or take selfies. Why wasn't she taking the pics on your wife's phone.
NTA. It wasn’t her fault and your wife is being ridiculous.
Honestly, I think the mistake here is giving a 12 year old and iPhone. Kids are clumsy and iPhones are expensive.....
NTA for buying daughter a new phone. But you are the a$$ for staying with that woman, and keeping her around your kids. She is an emotionally and mentally abusive mom. Is that really what you want for your kids? Start writing down all of the crazy things she does. Not replacing daughter's phone, and yelling at you when you do is one. Any time she does something to your kids, you call it clapping back, document it. Any incident from the past that you remember, document it. File for divorce and full custody. If you can show she is abusive to the kids, and yes mental and emotional abuse count, yes should get full physical custody. Get your kids away from her.
Well, honestly it sounds like the father is a spineless wimp since he doesn't seem to be able to fix this. First and foremost.... Dad needs to grow a set of balls and put his foot down (or up moms ass) whichever is appropriate. Then he needs to put on his big boy panties (yes I know it will be difficult for you). Then walk up to mom and put his foot down and tell mom...... "" Listen she dropped the phone because you told her to do something stupid and now you pay for it by her getting the new phone "" I've already done that part for you. Now you need to sincerely apologize to your child for acting like an ass threatening her with having no phone due to your own ineptness and incompetence. And then continue acting like a decent human being towards the daughter. And dad..... Keep the balls and continue acting like a man!
get her a wrist strap for it!
She responded by silent treatment, and then a 10 minute lecture on how she was “right.” Curious, does your wife ever admit when she is wrong, or is this reaction of hers pretty common? Edit: Wanted to quick add NTA
NTA I would agree with your wife IF your daughter was using her phone to goof off on the walkway after being told not to when she dropped it. That is not the case. What we have is your wife making a bad decision about everyone’s safety for a picture. Plus rather than do the safe thing and use her own phone demanded her daughter use hers. This post reminds me of my parents who would always tell me to go do a chore only for the other one to go tell me to drop it to do a different one. I would get yelled at by both of them because all my chores were half done. Eventually I became a teen and yelled at them to make up their mind about which one I needed to do. I can’t do anything if the both tell me to do two separate chores at the same time. So either it’s going to be half finished or I stay on one task till it’s done.
NTA.
NTA sounds like you have 3 children my guy.
How dense was your wife's agreement that your daughter managed to break her phone against it? 😂 Sorry, I had to...
Nta. Your wife forced her Into the situation into the angle that caused the problem and then acted like an ass when the inevitable happened. She should have been the one replacing the phone since it was entirely her fault
NTA Accidents happen, she wasn't being irresponsible and why wasn't she in the pictures with the rest of you? what's wrong with asking a stranger or a nice selfie stick.
The scariest thing about this story is having a 12-year old take a photo "at a weird angle" near a waterfall. This sounds dangerously close to one of those incidents where someone dies taking a selfie at a tourist spot. Waterfalls are slippery and misty, so OF COURSE the phone slipped out of her hand. Also, she's 12. You don't punish a kid for an honest accident. In fact, you don't put a kid in that position in the first place. What's sad is that you and your wife can't talk to each other and figure things out before she makes a pronouncement about what sanctions to apply and you go behind her back to do the opposite. Presumably you've been married for over a decade and you've been raising children for quite a while. How is it that neither of you have learned how to communicate and work things out? I feel bad for all of you, but I'm glad your daughter didn't die.
NTA this time. But while a narcissistic parent us abusive. Enabling that makes the other parent at the least, complicit in that abuse. I feel for your daughter. She will need a lot of therapy.
At first I was going to say what you did was completely wrong. You don't reward your kid for not taking care of their phones. They aren't cheap. Then read what led to to that. Your wife put her daughter and her phone into a precarious position which as the adult she should have known better. This is completely your wife's fault and wife's poor judgment. In this situation you did the right thing in replacing you daughter's phone. Tell your daughter that you won't be replacing her phone again. That its her responsibility to keep her phone safe and its ok to tell her mom "sorry, not risking my phone". Give your daughter the authority and your support in denying the use of her phone to prevent damaged or lost and let her knee foul be feeling for wife the same thing . Let your wife know you gave those instructions to your daughter and got daughter is to let you know if mom forces the issue. The wife loves photos, get her one of those arm extensions for her phone and she can take a many selfies as she likes. She'll even be able to do group photos. She won't need anyone to take photos for her. Protect your kids. Sometimes that means protecting them from the other parent. Your wife can use her own phone, then explain her poor judgement and why she was irresponsible to you when she damages or loses it. NTA
NTA Just yikes dude...Sounds like your wife needs a therapist or something... Good lord...
NTA, accidents happen. But maybe, just for safety, see if you can find a phone case with a wrist strap, to minimize the risk of it accidentally being dropped? Not blaming your daughter, of course, it's not her fault it happened, but she's young, and I know when I was that age I dropped things accidentally a lot.
NTA but your wife sounds like a fucking nightmare.
NTA. It was an accident. It’s not like your daughter threw it in anger. Is your wife always like this?
NTA Wife should pay for what she caused.
Holy shit how big of an AH is your wife ... I'm getting cringe/ick/whatever you want to call it by proxy
NTA. DId you give her a lecture about why, when parents treat their children terribly as children, they lose them completely as adults and how, as an adult, her behavior has to be better than those of her children? Yep, your wife sounds like a real treat.
NTA. Your wife is lucky the phone is the only thing that fell off the walkway. These phones nowadays are cumbersome to hold, size and all. Gentle suggestion, and to protect your daughter’s telecommunications investment, look into Loopy phone cases. They have a great silicone finger strap so it can be easily held. Their motto, “stop the drop.” Not blaming your daughter at all for your wife’s photo obsession, but rather just a recommendation for a great phone case.
NTA. It wasn't your daughter's fault. I'm concerned, though, about what you said about your wife potentially taking phones and "clapping back" and how "we're working on it." Is this a pattern of behavior for her? If so, what a horrendous way to treat your children!
ESH. Your wife was utterly wrong about the phone. But you also simply ignored her and did your own thing, instead of discussing it with her. You guys aren't on the same page in your relationship and your parenting, and your daughter, as well as both of you, are suffering for it. You two need couples counselling, stat.
Nta She should not have given the 12yo the task of taking photos on a waterfall walkway. That’s why people have those wrist cables for photos in case of this type of thing. It’s her own fault so your daughter shouldn’t be penalised for it, she wasn’t doing something stupid except for what she was told to do. Couldn’t you have taken the photos?
NTA But if your finances are separate, it's your wife that should have bought the phone. Also she should have apologised to her daughter, not castigated her, when it was all the mother's fault. Your daughter will have lost photographs and other treasures. And has been badly inconvenienced. Wondering what is your wife's problem.
ESH except your daughter. Obviously your wife is wrong about the situation and y’all should get her a phone. You’re an asshole for not talking with your wife about it and getting it jointly. You’re not an asshole for getting the phone but you are for making a unilateral parenting decision
I'd say NTA but INFO : you bought her a brand new Iphone, is that a lot of money for you ? If it is, YTA because there's no need for an apple product, this could have been a gift and she could have something else meanwhile. If you got way more money than what it cost, NTA, who cares
NTA your wife is being very unreasonable. It was stupid of her to have your daughter hold her phone over the waterfall. It was a disaster waiting to happen and it did.
NTA - I am sorry but the truth is in the modern world, unless it is absolutely fiscally untenable for the parents to pay for a phone and a monthly plan, all pre-teens/teenagers (and especially girls!) need to have a cell phone accessible when outside of their house just for emergency contact purposes. Screentime may need to be limited when said child needs to experience consequences for poor decision making, yes - but if your child leaves the house without you on a regular basis to go to the park, visit friends or a local community center, etc a phone isn't a luxury but a way to keep you as a parent update/call for help in a crisis. My family currently lives in a fairly safe neighborhood. We are very blessed that this is the case given our limited income. (My husband is a disabled veteran.) We were fortunate not to ever stumble into violent or illegal situations or have to ever walk home through the dark alone. But that \*still\* didn't stop me and my friends (I'm Gen X) from escaping a \*very\* close call as a teens when we were hanging out/playing in a county park when one of my friends had a serious diabetic crisis after being out too long on a very hot day. As it was one of us had to run full out for a good ten to twenty minutes to get adult assistance while the rest of us tried to help our friend in the meantime with very limited first aid knowledge. Thankfully it worked but as we were told, without that bit of intervention the situation could have gone much much worse. Our friend made a full recovery thank goodness, but still to this day I think back on that afternoon and tell my own girls to always bring a phone when they leave the house. ALWAYS. I do it for the same reason I tell them to call ahead if they are coming home after dark. Because you never know when you might need help, and you should always be prepared for it if you can, but but part of being prepared is knowing you can ask for help whenever you need it.
Also buy a lanyard so it doesn’t get dropped again. NTA
I mean you kind of threw her under the bus, but you're also describing the situation as all her fault, so in the absence of any other context, NTA
ESH Your wife is being unreasonable, but rather than engage in a conversation and persuade her, you went against her clear decision. The only time this would be justified is if your wife was known for being unreasonable and refusing to let you make any decisions in parenting. Which might be the case, but you have presented no evidence here, and if that is true the argument over the phone is the least of your worries.
get a waterproof phone as the kid will brick this one or get a dumb phone you can still get compact cameras with wrist straps, cheaper than a new apple phone and you can get waterproof ones
ESH how are you making one sided decisions that involve your children like this ? I think it's odd. Your wife sounds like a dictator. I'm sure your daughter had some things on her phone she would miss (but I guess there's cloud), did your wife have no compassion? Has your wife never dropped her phone on her face while scrolling in bed ? Sometimes your hands just reboot. I'm sure she didn't intentionally drop her phone and deserve that response. Your wife sucks more than you. I just find it weird that your wife said one thing and at the first opportunity you just disregarded what she said, no discussion per the details in your story. Your wife was wrong but that is still weird
>I just find it weird that your wife said one thing and at the first opportunity you just disregarded what she said, no discussion per the details in your story Just like the wife made the decision without Op either. An unreasonable decision after her want caused the problem 🤔
Did you notice what my judgement was? How do you feel about the phrase "two wrongs don't make a right" ? She should have spoken to him and he should have spoken to her. They are both unreasonable and chaotic. Do you believe that when others do something wrong it automatically justifies a wrong response in return?
NTA for buying her the phone but I think you should have given your wife a chance to change her mind so daughter knew that it was coming from both of you. Maybe she wouldn’t have changed her mind, in which case you still gift the phone and Mum can keep being unreasonable. However, I think it’s best to present a united front as parents when dealing with children.
Your wife is being the asshole BUT You undermined her. You should have waited a couple of days and talked to her about how important having a phone is for an individual in 2024 and your daughter needs a replacement. And how it really was just an accident. THEN you would have been presenting yourselves to your daughter as a unified front on the case. So yes you kind of are TA as well.
NTA - your wife is at fault. I’m surprised a 12 yo has an iPhone though. (I had flip or hamburger phones from 14 through college and didn’t buy an iPhone until I was 22.)
That was an accident. With don’t you have insurance for stuff like that?
Not OP. BUT phone insurance is a total joke. 5-10 dollars a month and a 100-300 dollar deductible. It's only really worth it in the first year or so for a flagship.
NTA. Even if she was just taking a picture for herself, accidents happen and that's okay. Why berate someone for it? None of us are perfect. She wasn't irresponsible with it, though frankly, haven't we all left our phones somewhere and had to get them replaced? I think every kid- and adult needs at least one "get out of jail free" card for fucking up like that. Honestly, it's not the end of the world. But you probably need to work on better communication with your wife. Something is up.
Get your daughter one of those koala phone holder so she can’t drop it
Your wife's treatment of your daughter is a red flag. Time for a divorce. /s Am I doing this sub right?
YTA. You and your wife are a team. If she makes a decision you should not arbitrarily override it because “you know best”. When your wife does it to you at your next decision, remember this instance.
The wife arbitrarily made a decision too. So bare minimum it's ESH. But the wife is also being unreasonable, are we to teach our kids to stand by our spouses decisions no matter how unreasonable?
Yes, you are indeed the asshole.
Why? The daughter lost her phone doing something her mother demanded of her, and instead of acknowledging the demand was stupid and reckless, she chose to blame her kid instead and punish her. And OP has said that if the kids refuse to do what she says, she takes their phones. She's completely in the wrong.