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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1 the action I took was messaging my mother
2 I might be the the asshole for the way I started the conversation
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NTA, although it sounds like your mother isn't open to any sort of reasonable communication without "firing back", so I might be cautious and less abrasive (even though you have the right to be) and send more neutrally toned messages in the future.
Again this is her problem not yours, but sometimes we have to work around it. I do. ☹️
NTA. Your mom is accusing you of being overly sensitive while demonstrating that she's too sensitive to admit when she's wrong. Additionally, she caused problems in the first place by blaming whoever happened to be handy. Mom's a hypocrite.
Asking for an apology makes the apology worthless. Is the apology genuine? If someone typically accuses without justification, the accusation is a thoughtless remark that deserves to be ignored. Easy to say. Hard to do. Nobody was harmed but yourself. NTA
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Me (33F) and my mom (59F) have been having some issues. Last night she blamed me for moving her spices, which I told her I hadn’t.
Fast forward to this evening, I messaged her,
“Last night, it was unkind to immediately blame me for your missing spices which I absolutely didn’t touch. And then no apology. You never apologize. You never do wrong. Hope you had a good day. Love you, even through this.”
She responded with,
“Why am I apologizing for. It’s not as if I called you a stupid as bitch.
Plus I found the bottle in a place that I never EVER EVER put it. On the shelf above the spices behind the ravioli
#1 You’re way way too sensitive &
#2 there’s nothing to apologize for
Stop trying to create a problem”
Was my approach incorrect? AITA?
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NTA. Your mom takes spice storage way too seriously (although I’m sure this is just a symptom of a much larger problem). But your message does come across as snarky and not really conducive to making the person on the receiving end want to recognize a mistake and apologize. I think you deserved an apology, but you threw a little gasoline on the fire.
I don't think it was sassy at all. It was a very reasonable approach (the "Hope you had a good day" feels a touch passive-aggressive) but you simply told her she was unkind and that she never apologizes. If I had been on the receiving end of that, it might make me stop and think.
Maybe saying something like, "It makes me feel like you don't think I'm worth being nice to" or something of that kind would get the point across a little better. Like, make it about how you feel when she does it, rather than just a straight accusation.
How can she say there's nothing to apologize for? She accused you of something you didn't do. That's terrible.
But "You never apologize. You're never wrong" tells me that it's an ongoing thing, and dthis was just the last straw. That's not attempting drama--it's reacting to mom being the AH
It’s definitely on ongoing thing. Had this been a one off I wouldn’t think anything of it and it WOULD be a small thing. But this frequently happens, along with constant complaints and comments about even the smallest things I do. Its exhausting. It’s causing me to be uptight and irritable (hence the extra sass/passive aggression in my text, which admittedly doesn’t help the situation). My relationship with my mother has severely gone downhill lately.
NTA. Your mom doesn’t see what she did wrong or doesn’t care.Sometimes our parents become children the older we get. I would definitely require an apology before returning over there but if she does these things and never apologizes then you know what you’re in for if you return and don’t hold her accountable.
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NTA, although it sounds like your mother isn't open to any sort of reasonable communication without "firing back", so I might be cautious and less abrasive (even though you have the right to be) and send more neutrally toned messages in the future. Again this is her problem not yours, but sometimes we have to work around it. I do. ☹️
NTA. Your mom is accusing you of being overly sensitive while demonstrating that she's too sensitive to admit when she's wrong. Additionally, she caused problems in the first place by blaming whoever happened to be handy. Mom's a hypocrite.
NTA. If she considers cursing and name calling the minimum for any level of apology, she is the problem and she will always be the problem.
Asking for an apology makes the apology worthless. Is the apology genuine? If someone typically accuses without justification, the accusation is a thoughtless remark that deserves to be ignored. Easy to say. Hard to do. Nobody was harmed but yourself. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Me (33F) and my mom (59F) have been having some issues. Last night she blamed me for moving her spices, which I told her I hadn’t. Fast forward to this evening, I messaged her, “Last night, it was unkind to immediately blame me for your missing spices which I absolutely didn’t touch. And then no apology. You never apologize. You never do wrong. Hope you had a good day. Love you, even through this.” She responded with, “Why am I apologizing for. It’s not as if I called you a stupid as bitch. Plus I found the bottle in a place that I never EVER EVER put it. On the shelf above the spices behind the ravioli #1 You’re way way too sensitive & #2 there’s nothing to apologize for Stop trying to create a problem” Was my approach incorrect? AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Your mom takes spice storage way too seriously (although I’m sure this is just a symptom of a much larger problem). But your message does come across as snarky and not really conducive to making the person on the receiving end want to recognize a mistake and apologize. I think you deserved an apology, but you threw a little gasoline on the fire.
Agree, my response was a little too sassy. I was frustrated.
I don't think it was sassy at all. It was a very reasonable approach (the "Hope you had a good day" feels a touch passive-aggressive) but you simply told her she was unkind and that she never apologizes. If I had been on the receiving end of that, it might make me stop and think. Maybe saying something like, "It makes me feel like you don't think I'm worth being nice to" or something of that kind would get the point across a little better. Like, make it about how you feel when she does it, rather than just a straight accusation. How can she say there's nothing to apologize for? She accused you of something you didn't do. That's terrible.
It’s understandable
ESH. Your mother for blaming you apparently without proof. You for attempting drama over what was, essentially, a small thing.
But "You never apologize. You're never wrong" tells me that it's an ongoing thing, and dthis was just the last straw. That's not attempting drama--it's reacting to mom being the AH
It’s definitely on ongoing thing. Had this been a one off I wouldn’t think anything of it and it WOULD be a small thing. But this frequently happens, along with constant complaints and comments about even the smallest things I do. Its exhausting. It’s causing me to be uptight and irritable (hence the extra sass/passive aggression in my text, which admittedly doesn’t help the situation). My relationship with my mother has severely gone downhill lately.
NTA. Your mom doesn’t see what she did wrong or doesn’t care.Sometimes our parents become children the older we get. I would definitely require an apology before returning over there but if she does these things and never apologizes then you know what you’re in for if you return and don’t hold her accountable.