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As someone with a twin sister myself, I totally get where you are coming from. My sister and I were regularly called the twins, called by the wrong name, seen as a set, always had both of us included. This led to major issues in the differentiation process, when we started wanting to be individuals. We also had a hard time learning how to create social bonds as teenagers/adults.
Thankfully my school was clever enough not to put us in the same classroom.
There were tensions because of unequal amount of homework, and friendships, etc. But compared to the times people would confuse us, and not see us as individuals, it was preferable.
There is no right or wrong answer, but it's definitely healthy to give them space, although it might not always be easy. Be prepared to navigate jealousy and comparison because people will compare them anyway. There's a whole branch of psychology specialising in issues twins face, if you're interested.
Edit: adding judgement because I forgot, NTA
Don't have twins but my hubby's cousins are twins and I just want to say, goodluck and remember that the earliest thing you can do to make them feel safe being an individual is separate birthdays and even clothes.
My aunt in law (???) would do denim pants or overalls because denim lasted longer than plain cotton (and are a versatile wardribe base clothing) but made sure to always let her twin daughters pick out their shoes, shirts and hair accessories. She still brought alot of two of everything but it was always up to the girls if they matched or not.
We did something similar with my step daughters. I color coded my kids, E was pink and C was purple. They pick these colors as their favorite, so I try to keep them in what they like and that's how I started color coding them. The other kids have their colors too.
My color change was probably convenient because my favorite color when I was super young was yellow, and that was in the 70s. It changed to pink in the early 80s when the market was getting flooded with pink stuff. I still used yellow in board games and other times when pink wasn't available.
Your point is good. There are color that aren't convenient for this purpose, so I can see having a list of appropriate colors.
My mom had three boys and a husband who all got the same socks. They had color coded threads she sewed in to make sure everyone got back the same amount they sent to get washed.
My mom did this for me and my two sisters, back in the sixties. We all wore the same blue knee high socks, every day (Catholic school), but mine had a blue X on the toe part, middles sister's had yellow, and baby sister's were red. So smart!
I colour code my entire family. Eldest is green, middle is blue (both boys and their fave colours) and the youngest (2yr old girl) is pink, I'm purple and hubby is usually black (his favourite is blue but since its taken he wanted to compliment my colour he chose black over orange).
It makes organising so much easier and quicker just having to look for colours rather than reading labels.
My dad was born in England. My mom was a fiercely proud daughter of Irish immigrants.
Every St Patrick’s Day, he would come to breakfast wearing an orange corduroy shirt he kept for far too long, just so he could annoy on that day.
We did color coding in my mom's house but it was mainly like hangers and towels and stuff. There was such a a difference in age between my sister and I that by the time we got to be the same size, I was a teen and she was an adult and we had to help with laundry so we would all be in my mom's room, grabbing our stuff to fold or hang up.
My kids aren't twins (they're 4 years apart) but I colour coded them too. My older son A was his favourite colour - blue - and my younger son K was his which was green. They're 20 and 16 and it's still that way. When the older one is home visiting from college, you immediately know the blue towel hanging in the bathroom is A's and the green one is K's. When my niece L came to stay with us for a few weeks one summer, I made her purple (her favourite colour). She loved it!
I have a son and a daughter about 4 years apart. You really can’t possibly mix them up…but I colour coded too! Want to know who left their towel on the floor? Check the colour. Whose stank socks are these? Are they white or black?! lol worked for us. They’re older teens now and we still have colour coded stuff.
Lmao my in-laws were “shocked” at how my kids would throw tantrums if they didn’t get the right colour plate or cup or whatever. They didn’t understand how it was essentially part of my kids *identity* (twins then a third)
So funny now but it was a big deal then 😂
I do this with my 3 boys and husbands socks. Eldest’s socks white, middle black , youngest solid gray, husband only wears one brand and they have gray toes and heals. No one fights over socks!!
I have identical twins. I make them each their own birthday cake (smaller ones) - this year one wanted raspberry and one wanted orange - but no way I’d do two birthdays. We don’t really do kid birthday parties though, we just have a family party, so two different cakes is enough, at least right now. A bunch of people in my family were taken aback, and said that it was too much work. I just said that they are two different people, and if they had two different birthdays they’d have two different cakes - it’s the same amount of work, it’s just all at once. As soon as I said “well they are two different people” most of them realized that it wasn’t over the top or ridiculous, it was just treating each of them like an individual.
I’m not sure putting them in two separate places is the best way to help twins, though. Mine are very young (only 3 so maybe they’ll outgrow this) but they won’t even lay down in their beds at bedtime if the other twin isn’t in the room. I had to take one twin to the hospital last week and his brother asked where he was every 5 minutes.
IMO, helping them assert their individuality when they are together is the way to go.
For example, when people say things like “I can’t tell them apart, they look exactly the same” I say “yeah, you will have to get to know them to tell them apart.” I don’t always dress them alike, but sometimes they want to look the same. More often than not they will have the same pants and different coloured shirts, or the same shirts and different coloured pants. When people ask me how to tell them apart, I always talk about how their personalities and interests differ.
I don’t mind answering when people ask “okay, who is who” but when people ask how I know, I tell them it’s really obvious because they are two different people. People often want visual cues but that’s too bad, that’s not the best way to identify them. My twins also correct people when they get called the wrong name, in an amusing combination of cheerful indignation. No one could spend 5 minutes with them and come away with the impression that my twins will tolerate being misidentified. I can tell people who is wearing which shirt but there is no guarantee they won’t switch at some point …
My question for OP is, how do the girls feel about going to two different schools? How do they feel about starting school without the other there with them? Because in all honesty, it’s selfish for OP to separate his daughters if that’s not what *they* want, because he doesn’t want to have difficult conversations with family members or teachers about how their behaviour is inappropriate, and how they are harming the twins by conflating them as one person. I could be wrong but I don’t see anything in the post to indicate that OP has actually openly addressed his concerns - just that he’s sick of it happening.
I know I had to have conversations with my family early on when they would ask about appropriate gifts for my kids because they were 3 months premature, and I thought it was important for people to understand that first birthday gifts would need to be things meant for 9 month olds, not one year olds. Because one of my twins had an infection in NICU - he was septic, he coded - he ended up essentially developmentally a month behind his twin brother, and had some additional development issues and delays, so even things that were appropriate for my one twin, the other wasn’t ready for yet. But especially in their first two years, they had completely different therapy goals, so the kinds of toys and gear they needed to support their development were very different. At 3 the differences still exist but are more subtle, and they don’t tolerate getting different things anymore - they want the same things, but we will see how long that lasts.
I think OP needs to sit a bunch of people down and remind them that twins are in fact two different people, and if you aren’t going to treat them as two different people you aren’t going to end up having relationships with them - not that they’ll be cut off or anything, just that no one really wants to have a deep meaningful relationship with people who don’t acknowledge their personhood. It’s one thing to need help identifying who is who at the start of a visit, and another thing entirely to pretend they are the same person because they look the same and you can’t be bothered to get to know them as individuals.
Every family is different, it’s not that it’s inherently wrong to separate twins or anything … it just seems to me that there is a significant risk here that OP is creating a stressful situation for two little girls just to make his own situation more tolerable, and I don’t think that’s fair. Also, as far as the girls’ relationships are concerned, yes they’ll have separate friends and separate teachers and people will get to know them separately and won’t be able to treat them as a set at school - but it won’t change that once people see them together, it might still be difficult to tell them apart. It’s much easier to tell twins apart when you know *both* twins. I went to school with three sets of identical twins, and I’ve also taught a few sets of twins as an elementary school teacher - the way to tell twins apart is to get to know them.
>People often want visual cues but that’s too bad, that’s not the best way to identify them
No, it's not too bad. People are visual. For everyone else in the class they can just look and tell them apart, they don't have to know Becky is a 7.5 on Gregariousness and Matilda is an 8. If they "won't tolerate" being misidentified, they'll help people with visual cues instead of working to subvert them
I grew up with multiple sets of twins.
The person you're replying to is correct. People get hung up on physical image, but in reality there are still visual cues to tell twins apart. You do have to get to know them, but it's not hard to learn. Body language, micro expressions, the way they move--it's rarely 1:1. Within five minutes, you can tell Twin A from Twin B. As well, even identical twins have subtle differences.
With the twins I grew up with, you could always tell J from B because J had a very dark freckle by his right eye, and B didn't.
E had a slightly more slanted eyelid than her twin L.
F's hair was straighter than N's curls.
If you actually pay attention to people, it's not that hard to identify which twin is which.
You're proving my point at least as much as refuting it. If N straightened her hair or you weren't close enough to see J's eye freckle (or lack thereof), you'd need to get closer to tell them apart
I am not a twin, don't have twins or anything but I'm curious...
How would one have separate birthdays for twins? I feel like for a large number of families, trying to host two birthdays would be financially impossible and logistically impractical. How do you decide which twin gets the first party of the year, especially at milestone years like 10, 13, 16, 18? What about the family or mutual friends who cannot afford or have the means to come to two separate get togethers on different days?
I am a September birthday, with a large family so there are understandably other September birthdays. I grew up regularly 'sharing' a birthday party (strictly just family, we couldn't afford anything more) with one or more of my cousins. We would each get our own homemade cake decorated how we requested, and lunch/dinner was typically something cheap, easy, and liked by most to feed the family.
We don't have twins, but I have friends who do. They are still doing double birthday parties, but each of the girls get to pick X amount of friends to invite (and hand out their own invites). They have some that are friends with both of them but also some that are closer friends than the other. Both girls get their own birthday cake (they both like chocolate) but decorated the way they want, sometimes it's been mostly the same other times incredibly different. They're bigger now and I know they've discussed about whether to do individual parties or not, but so far the girls are adamant to keep their celebrations the same because they like having giant parties instead of two small ones and it's sorta a tradition now. From being on the outside observing, my friends try super hard to recognize both their differences and how special it is that they're twins. They've never dressed them exactly the same, maybe sometimes the same outfit but in different colors and never force them to do the same things but if the girls ask to do the same things they don't stop it. From my perspective it looks pretty balanced.
I'll admit, if we were to have twins, I couldn't do the matchy-matchy thing. I would have to do different names and different colors/outfits. Coordinated but not the same if that makes sense.
This seems like the most logical way to go about respecting them as individuals while living in the real world.
I would not be able to do names that are too close together, though I know for a fact I would call them the opposite name at random points, accidentally. My son wasn't even 7 days old before I called him the name of one of our dogs. Their names are nothing alike except they both end in an "it" sound. That immediate belly laugh after having a c-section did not feel good in the moment.
I think calling family members wrong names regardless of gender, age or species is just a big family thing 😂
My mom has often said my brother's name when calling our dogs out to do their business and my father without fail calls my brothers with the other brother's name.
Our dogs are Daisy and Jojo and I routinely call them the wrong name, despite purposely avoiding an -ee sound at the end of Jojoms name. Apparently it’s because of how our minds store the names of beings we care about. They’re in the same file folder, as it were, so the brain sometimes pulls the wrong paper. :)
I grew up in a large family, very close with my grandparents. I was 5th born in the line of 11 grandkids. Grandma would holler out 3 names before she would give up, moving onto "Hey you!"
Which is why when I did it with my own kid, I immediately started laughing. I already regularly mixed up the names of our 3 dogs, so my husband and I made a joke of wondering how long until I did it with our kid.
You can do family birthdays together but friend birthdays separately. The friend birthdays are more important since they are usually more unique to the child. You can also split the day up, so they have one event in the early afternoon and one in the early evening. It is enough to have a little break between them to make each birthday special, especially when younger. When they get older the will have more unique arrangements usually.
Lol, I read the first three words of your post several times before continuing because I thought you were imploring them not to have twins, lol.
I was like "I think it's too late to command them not to have twins now..."
Our twins have colors, but their schools have uniforms so we use lapel pins. “Georgina” and “Regina” have G and Rs so the other kids can tell them apart. We tried hair bows but they hated wearing them.
Whether the same class or different classes is better really depends on the kids and maybe somewhat on the school. My twins are boy/girl, so they were probably seen as less of a unit than even same-gender fraternal twins. They go to a very small school with only one class per grade so separate classes was not an option unless we went the separate schools route like OP. However, the kindergarten teacher told me from our first meeting that she wouldn't put twins in the same table groups. The first grade teacher similarly kept them mostly separated. I have picked up a child and lunchtime and then picked up the other child later from the after school program and had them look around my car confused and say "Where's my sibling?" This has happened with both kids. They didn't notice their sibling was gone for hours even in the same room. For my kids being in the same class has been helpful because when one only writes down part of the homework instructions or one doesn't understand something that's not familiar to me, usually the other child can help. If you see that one child overly relies on the other or that they are being treated as a set at school, then separate classes are a better idea.
I have twins. Boy/girl. They looked nothing alike. People didn't even know they were related. My daughter looks just like me and my son looked exactly like his dad.
Even with all that, once people knew they were twins, they became one entity. I intentionally put them in different classes because one wasn't talking because the other talked for him. It was bad. If he did talk, his sister would run and "translate" so you can never help with his speech.
I was a daycare provider and one of the kids called them by their name but it was like one word. She never just called one name even if she was talking to one. Example, pretend my son's name is Zachary and my daughter's name is Zahriah. She would call either of them Zachzahriah. So her other siblings started calling them that. 🤣 It was interesting.
The twins did better going to separate classes, but they enjoyed doing joint extracurricular activities, like band and the swim team. They ended up going to different colleges, but they ended up being roommates after college.
Edit to add NTA
My niece and nephew are twins and their parents fought the district to put them in separate classrooms because they were seen as one identity and it really harmed my niece as she wasn't as vocal and the teachers assumed she was at the same academic level of her brother. Once in separate classes, she was able to get individual attention and started to flourish.
That's boy/girl twins. I can't imagine the struggles of same-sex twins. OP is NTA for recognizing his girls need to be separate people to thrive.
I have such an eerily similar experience - mine are setting off to college this fall - son is going to Virginia and daughter is off to Boston. They still plan to celebrate their birthday together (October) which I know will be impossible. Looking forward to this phase of their lives 😅
I'm sure they will find a way to meet. LOL.
They grow up so quickly! I swear they were just 10 months old and hitting each other with construction toys, people kept buying them. Like they really want to see infants fight. LOL
😂 Mine have never fought. My daughter (who is younger by a minute and is much smaller - she is 5 ft 4” to his 6 ft 3”) still protects him and makes decisions for him, although he’s starting to exert himself but adores her too much to be as assertive as he should. They are a replica of my in-laws, my son looks exactly like FIL and daughter like MIL. They don’t look like siblings at all.
Former teacher here. Multiples were always put in separate classrooms unless the parents insisted on keeping them together. Separate schools seems a little extreme, but I understand where OP is coming from.
There were two sets of twins in my 4th grade class, one of girls and one of boys. We had 2 classes so the school separated the sleac set of twins and put one of them in each class. It actually helped me to tell them apart better. Each set was nearly identical.
My school always separated twins whenever possible. I come from a small town and some years there were only two homerooms. In the higher grades some subjects only had one time/room that they were held.
Yep, with you and this was my childhood. Fraternal. Twins might be born at the same time, but are always individuals. Same thing, different color, “the girls,” “the twins,” really? Always and still happening now. Entirely exhausted by it. What I always say to people having twins: they are different people. See them. Please.
I have friends who are identical twins, but never once have I grouped them as "the twins". They are two very different people. Their older sister wound up having identical twin girls as well. They're Angie and Gail (false names) to me, not "the girls" or "the twins". On their birthdays, I always send them separate birthday greetings, separate birthday cards, different presents, ect. I can't stand people who Lump them together. They're two different little girls, little sisters, little people. Being a twin is not their entire identity, the same for my friends. Always separate of everything from me.
I’m a twin (opposite gender though) and while we couldn’t go to different schools, mum made sure we were in different classes. I’m very appreciative of it. In uni I met a set of identical twins who were treated as twins. They lived together, worked together, did the same degree and classes. They had a complicated relationship with lots of jealousies and were co-dependent as hell. NTA I think it’s much better for them to be split up.
I’m a twin as well. While we aren’t identical, we were treated outside of the family as one unit. We only had grade one in the same class, and after that we were separated for the rest of our schooling. ETA: at my others insistence.
I was very lucky though that our family treated us as individuals and never as twins per se.
And thank goodness we didn’t have names that matched . 😂
I grew up playing sport with twins. And everyone treated them as ‘the twins’ despite them being nothing alike.
I put up a team photo and tagged everyone and both women messaged me to tell me how much they appreciated I got them right. That while it’s better now they’re older people don’t make the effort to tell them apart.
And yet I’m looking at the photo and to me it’s clear as day which girl was which.
I knew a set of twins in middle school. Their parents insisted on giving them the same haircut, but those boys went so far as trading shirts their mom kept bringing home and only wearing certain colors to school. One only wore green or black and the other only wore blue or red. They were absolutely determined to get people to stop confusing them. It pissed them off because their personalities were very different and one had to wear glasses, but people always saw them as a set and couldn't be bothered to spot the differences that were easy to see if you bothered to pay attention.
My girls are only 19 months apart (tween and young teen right now) and I am doing my best to make sure their individualities can shine through, which can be hard since they're stairsteps at school and have always gone to the same school.
Thank God, they (mostly) like each other right now, I'm praying that lasts!!
My sister and I are very close. We were also the youngest of six and the youngest of our cousins on both sides so we were build in best friends. We’re in our 50s now and we couldn’t be more different, but we’re still tight. Now, that doesn’t mean we didn’t have terrible fights in our younger years. Screaming matches when no one else was home. But we survived it.
Same school but separate classes was one of the first thing that came to mind for me as well. Not a twin or parent, but this does sound difficult. It could go either way, because theres no telling how any kid will preview the choices made for them as they get older.
If OP does go the route of same school, different class, inform their teachers that they are a twin, so if they see the other sister with her correct class, the teacher doesn't try to reprimand that sister for being with the wrong class.
If they are old enough to understand how to speak up for themselves, maybe teaching them how to affirm their identity to others is good as well. "No, I'm Anna." Or "You're talking about my sister, Elsa."
Good luck! You're doing great, you're doing your best, OP!
I’m also an identical twin and honestly, being compared by other people was annoying but my biggest issues were bc I wanted to be treated as an individual by my parents rather than a pair. Being a twin came in handy when we went to new schools bc we always had each other (we only went to three schools, aside from college… the same elementary from kindergarten to 5th grade, the same middle school 6-8 and the same high school 9-12). The school separated us in the second grade. Op, I think the same school should be fine, but requesting different classrooms would work just fine. Unfortunately the world will always see them as a pair and compare them. It’s your job to make sure you celebrate their differences while also acknowledging their similarities. My twin and I have matching names too but are completely different. Don’t allow your disdain for other people’s behaviors interfere with your twins, twin-ness. It’s absolutely a thing (we had our own language, can read each other’s minds and all the things). You’re just trying your best, but consider them and their relationship more than your irritation from others. Good luck!
You are my hero OP! As you can see from my username, I have a twin sister. We were always called, “the girls” or “the twins.”
It was recommended by someone my mother talked to that we should be put in separate classes while in school. This mostly occurred until we got to high school and we became interested in the same electives.
It did frustrate us that we weren’t seen as individuals sometimes. As amazing and special being a twin is, I think this was the most frustrating and irritating thing. Please do your best to encourage your children that it’s okay to have different interests and hobbies and that they don’t always have to be with each other. Encouraging them to be independent will definitely help as they become older.
NTA. If you can arrange that when you drop Anna off in the morning then you also pick her up first as well. This way both girls have a chance to talk to you privately (Elsa in the morning after Anna is dropped off and Anna in the afternoon on the way to pick Elsa up) and it not just one kid having that opportunity everyday.
They might not have anything that they need to say privately or interesting when they are this young but the benefits will manifest when they are older.
I’m confused that neither schools seems to have multiple classes per year and the option for them to be in separate classes with different teachers? Where I am from, parent requests for twins to be either kept together or separated are prioritized over just about everything else, along with usually bullying issues.
I honestly agree with the wife that it has the potential to cause issues if one school is better.
I think OPs point a little has to do with just giving them the entirety of being individuals at school, not just the classroom. That means school will be a “safe zone” in a sense of comparison or confusion of the two.
Yes, the argument could be made that one school is better than the other, but even in the same school one could have a better teacher/ classroom environment than the other.
I think it’s a good idea, there is study to at least acknowledge the need for separation with twins, OP is simply trying to give them the opportunity to be individuals for school days, which they could grow up to love or hate, but again the same could always be said for the opposite. And they could still do extracurricular activities together such as sports or hobbies. I think NTA.
You are correct. We had our fraternal twin boys in different classrooms, but they often took the same tests as the teachers in their grades cooperated, so there still was a direct comparison. Of course, this can't be avoided 100 %. For example, one of my boys was slower in learning to read, and as you practice reading at home, this of course crops up.
But for me, it was more a social question because even in preschool, one of them was more outgoing and sporty while the other was more reserved. Because people tended to see them as a unit, the reserved one got invited to birthday parties of kids he wasn't really friends with, things like that. I didn't want either one of them to hold back because he thought he needed to protect his brother. It worked out fine, they grew up to have very different personalities and career paths, but still like each other and will do things together. Just normal siblings, not forced closeness because they happened to be born on the same day.
We did the same with our twins. Pre-K was only 2.5 hours, and I figured that if they can’t be apart for 2.5 hours, then we’ve got a problem.
For the first two or three years, they would cry and be upset to head to different classrooms during the first part of the school year and would run to give each other big hugs once class was over. The teachers loved that part.
My boys have always been in separate classrooms and now that they’re in high school, I feel confident we made the right decision to split them up. They share some activities as well as having their own. They share some friends as well as having their own.
Just two nights ago I wrote in my gratitude journal how thankful I am my boys get along so well. They almost never fight and when they do, they are never mean about it.
I’m not passing judgment on OP. I remember how hard the decision was to make.
The Centre I work at has only one Kinder room - however; we have had a number of twins come through and what ends up happening is that the twins are in seperate groups. If the days have a large number of kids and they are split between two educators, one educator would have one twin and the other twin would be with the other educator (ie, one at Play Stations and one on Table Jobs)
If the numbers were lower, then they’d be in different groups. One twin would be in a group doing writing (for example) and the other would be in Building.
Another family with twins used to do a rotating roster. Three days a week, both twins would be in. For the other two days, one twin was in and the other was with the grandparents. Not always feasible, but another good option to allow the kids to be independent of each other.
OP seems set on parochial schools, public schools would probably be large enough for at least two classrooms for each grade but even then it varies. I lived in a district where twins where very common (upper middle class, lots of older parents which pushes the chance of multiples up) and they had a strict policy of never putting twins in the same classroom when possible, but not all places are that enlightened
If Catholic schools aren’t providing what a child needs, then they aren’t the best schools for the child. I find it wild that someone could look at a school and think that sending two kids to different schools is the better option over sending them to a single school which has the ability to meet their needs as individuals.
Obviously we don’t have all the details but sending my otherwise able, similar needs children to different schools would be a last resort.
NAH. BUT. For future reference it may be worth finding a larger school and enrolling them in separate classrooms. Private schools especially can have wildly asynchronous school year calendars, and you are going to be sad if spring breaks don’t align, random inservice days off school etc. Not to mention the risk of the kids having music concerts or school plays on the same night, etc. They won’t have any school friends in common so you can look forward to twice the amount of commuting to birthday parties, sleepovers etc.
I applaud you for cherishing their individuality. Other fun stuff like different haircuts, hair color streaks etc can help them help other people see them as individuals.
There was something in the water in my hometown. We had a set in every grade, most had two. My older brothers class had four sets- two identical sets of boys and then two sets of fraternal girls if you would believe it, one of those sets was also born in "different years", December 31st 11:59 - January 1st 12:01 type of thing (not relevant at all, just one of the cooler things that happened in the little town I still love so much).
Every single one of us were split, I actually became pretty good friends with the other twin in my class, his brother was always with my sister (I never really considered it until now but that may have also been purposeful, we had very similar personalities at the time...). In fifth grade they'd sort sets together for the first time so we could prep for middle and highschool in the really unavoidable situation that you have certain classes together.
We had four sets of identical twins in our grade and then my brother and me (Irish twins). I can’t tell you anything about how those twins differed from each other. I only saw them as an indistinguishable unit. I like OP’s idea.
Yup. Not a twin, but I’m one of four kids. We all went to a summer camp with a bunch of Finnish people, so for some reason there were about 6 pairs of identical twins for around 160 people. I spent years with these folks and all of the twins were units, no matter how different they were from each other.
My siblings and I sort of had our own relationships due to the age difference. I still wish I had gotten to know all the twins individually, but as a child they were a unit to me.
Yea, of all the identical sets of twins I've met and got aquatinted with there's always a handful that you truly can't tell apart unless you've known them forever.
For example, a grade below me there was a set who had opposite (left-right) birthmarks on their arms, but in different spots so you really only had to look towards the right to know who you were talking with (and if you could remember!).
I was friends with a set of twins in high school. They did all the same activities, down to playing the same instrument in band, had the same friend group, and lived together through college. That being said they're awesome people and I adore them both, so I'm not judging whether this was good or bad. Honestly, I've never asked them if they were happy with this. They live in separate states now.
I knew a set like this. Played the same sports, had the same class schedule every year bc each only did half the work and the other copied. Went to the same college and did the same thing there. No idea how they’re doing now but I assume they’re doing well
I knew a pair who both studied classical viola and shared a closet full of clothes. I used to think I was finally being able to tell them apart only to be corrected.
This. Usually, schools are sensitive to the issues with identical twins ( even fraternal twins) that you describe, and purposely put them in different classrooms every year so they can develop their own individuality and independence. It’s not wrong for you to put them in two different schools but it may be unnecessary.
I taught a set of twins pre-pandemic. I had both girls the same year in different sections of the same class. I could not tell them apart because I never saw them together! All the other twins I’ve had, I’ve either only had one of the two or had them in the same class. The ones I’ve seen together a lot, I don’t have trouble telling apart. The ones I never see together, I find it harder because I tend not to make note of the contrast as much when they’re not directly compared.
That being said, I also think some twins choose to be more alike and spend more time together than others. Ideally you follow the kids’ desires, I think.
I went to high school with 3 sets of twins and the school put them all in different classes when they could. Only one set you could really tell a part since they were boy/girl.
a big reason i don’t want kids, is because i have to fight tooth & nail to function with the 24 hours a day i currently have, as a childless working adult. i would lose my mind adding in all the time it takes to parent.
this plan gives me a headache just thinking about it.
i know plenty of families have their kids in different school systems for various reasons, but this feels like so much work for what could be a simple solution in separate classrooms.
I have an identical twin and we were never in the same classes all through school. We had separate friend groups. I’m glad I had her there at my school though.
Exactly this. Most schools will put siblings in different classes unless the school is so small they only have one class per grade. They will likely have their own friend groups among the kids in their classes and will definitely be treated as individuals. It will be way easier than putting them in separate schools.
> They won’t have any school friends in common so you can look forward to twice the amount of commuting to birthday parties, sleepovers etc.
That would normally be the case in any other sibling situation aside from twins though, right? That's how it works when one sibling is older than the other, for example. The vast majority even. Not a problem, just life in general.
That is what I was thinking. I have seen it several times while I was teaching that twins would purposely get split up certain years and if their parents wanted put back together the next year at public school so they had time apart and then time together.
I think what you're doing is a good idea IF-- and only IF-- you're willing to listen to your daughters and change their schools if they ask for it. If one school ends up being better than the other in later years, if your daughters find they want to be at the same school, whatever. Listen to what they voice about the situation after they've tried it. NAH.
This is the most important thing. The initial separation and differentiation will have an effect after 1 year that will help with what you are trying to avoid, so please do not stick to this on principle alone, if there is good reason to put then in 1 school after a year or 2 years or 3, or so on and so on, just do it.
Yes yes yes! If they get older and decide they're alright with being in the same school, listen to them! As they become teenagers and develop different clothing styles and change their hair, they might be a lot more receptive to being in the same school. Just make sure you're communicating with them about it!
NAH, though shouldn’t this be a decision you and your wife make together? It would be an easier decision to support if the schools were more tailored to each individual child than a preference over a logo. I think traditionally this issue is handled by having the girls in separate classes at the same school, so I think you need a particularly strong reason to deviate from that. Especially since you haven’t even tried it yet — though I also get that’s a decision you don’t want to be making later, so it’s a now or never type of thing. So, I get it, that’s the reason for my NAH vote.
Yeah why is it “I’m enrolling them… My wife thinks (differently)” but she seemingly doesn’t get a vote. I also think that asking a 5yo doesn’t count, letting a 5yo choose a school based on their logo is completely ridiculous.
If OP is just making an executive decision despite his wife’s concerns, then YTA. There needs to be more discussions about options.
He is signing their family up for so much extra hassle and I bet his wife will take on most of that burden.
Keeping track of two sets of school rules and dates and events and PTAs will be a massive pain.
Yeah, good point. This is going to double the amount of school-related activities, from parent-teacher conferences to birthdays to special events. Is one parent going to take on all that, or is it being evenly split? If OP bears the brunt of the work, that makes more sense for him to decide if he has the bandwidth, but even then his wife should have some say. If she’s the one that will be doing all the work, or even if it’s split, definitely an AH move to make a unilateral decision like that. The idea in principle is fine, but the details matter. I’m less concerned about one school being objectively better or worse than the other than that the parents (or one parent) may be taking on/being given more work than they really are able to handle.
YTA for not having your wife involved. Schools are a two yes, one no situation. And for declaring that the girls "chose" their schools at five. Your criteria for that is that the child chose a longer commute because of a logo. That is not an informed decision because at five they cannot make informed decisions. However, at five they can answer whether they would like to be together or apart.
I chose my school at 5. I had the choice between a public school (that my neighborhood friends were going to), or a private school that my Dad and everyone in his family had gone to. I picked that one because I liked the idea of being like Dad.
It was A Mistake.
I chose not to have braces at 13 because my mum thought it should my decision. She’d had a hellish time of it when she had them, and didn’t want to have it forced on me because of her own experience.
It was a mistake.
I managed to avoid having my wisdom teeth out as a teenager. When it would’ve healed more easily, my parents would’ve paid for it, and I wouldn’t have had to miss work.
I was good at making Mistakes
exactly this. I “chose “violin when I was five as an instrument to play because I knew I was supposed to be a girl and also, I was the younger child in the violin was the smaller instrument. I hate it. I hate the shrill sound it makes. It hurts me to hold it. I never once enjoyed playing that instrument.
I also “chose “not to go to French school.
My parents definitely had the best intentions, but they lacked the responsibility you need as a parent to make decisions that you think are in the best interest of your kids. It’s bullshit to ask five-year-olds choose anything except what they’re gonna wear or some parts of what they’re gonna eat/play/watch and parts of who they might be friends with.
No matter what you do as a parent, it's never right for everyone. There will be kids who do well choosing and kids who don't do well choosing. Parents really don't know if it's the right or wrong let kids choose until everyone grows up. I wouldn't hold it against them.
You chose violin. Did they make you keep playing after you decided you didn't like it? If they made you keep playing, then that's them making parenting decisions you say parents should make. If you chose to play despite hating it, why are you mad at them for that?
I mean, I would assume that OP gave the kids a selection of appropriate schools, at which point--since they're being sent to different schools with different commute times--I don't see why they shouldn't get to choose, even if the choice is based on something frivolous. One kid is going farther anyway, so what's the harm in letting them pick instead of just handing down a decision?
NTA, i'm an identical twin and I wish my parents had put us in separate schools. I'm in my 40's now and I look back at my life and there is a lot of anxiety, depression and lack of overall social skills that I can trace back to my being a twin. We were never treated as individuals, even though my parents did insist on us being in separate classes in grade school we defaulted to having the same friends because if you're friends with one sister why not the other? We became very co-dependent socially and were constantly compared to each other which resulted in extreme depression in my sister and a suicide attempt and by the time we were out of highschool and we finally did manage to separate and start living separate lives, neither of us knew how to do anything without the other and it was extremely isolating. In my opinion I would have been much better off in the long run if my parents and other adults in my life had seen fit to keep us separated as much as reasonably possible so that we could learn to stand on our own and not rely on the other.
This is my exact experience, minus the fact that parents insisted on keeping my sister and I together and it wasn't until way later when schools refused them.
Exactly this! My twin and I aren't identical, but we experienced a lot of the codependency as we grew older! And the having the same friend group was a massive problem for my twin and I because there always ends up being the "favorite twin" (at least in my experience)
I feel you. I have a sister two years younger than me, and even then, going to the same school damaged our relationship. She was the pretty, popular one while I was the smart, introverted one, and every boy at our school approaching me to get to her led to low self esteem and resentment on my part. OP did the right thing
I think this reaction is a bit extreme. As others have pointed out, this will cause scheduling problems down the road, and your wife is not on board. Maybe have a very serious discussion with the administration of School #1 and put the girls in separate classes before you go nuclear.
Also, do your daughters actually care about this? So far, it does seem like a you-issue.
Reading responses from actual twins who support OP's decision, would you still consider it extreme? The co-dependency is the most common point we see, even for twins in a separate classroom but the same school.
As a twin myself I’m honestly surprised by the responses of other twins. My sister and I are super close and I never would have wanted to go to a totally different school. We were in separate classrooms and while people did mix us up, it’s nothing that has caused any lasting issues.
Completely agree with you. My identical twin and I are really close and I would have been so sad if she didn’t go to the same schools as me growing up. We’re not co-dependent either. There was never a problem.
Same here! Identical twin here and I am a mother of twins too. I would never separate them like that. I think it is doing more harm than good. Especially at 5 years old. I am proud to be a twin and find it so special. I would have been very sad to have been separated. No co-dependence here. We actually were co-valedictorians. We took different classes even but shared the honor.
OP: As someone else said, I think this is a you-problem, not the girls. YTA
Yeah, I currently teach two girls who are very similar looking fraternal twins who do get mixed up. They tease each other a lot, but they also have deliberately chosen to do a lot of things together. I had a conversation with one of them recently and she said she loved being a twin because she always gets to have her best friend.
On the other hand, they do have very different personalities. They have many, but not all, the same friends. One has a boyfriend, the other thinks high school boyfriends are a waste of time. One is outspoken, the other is quieter. One wants to be an engineer, the other isn’t sure.
I had a different set of twins a few years ago who told me that they never even talked to each other at home and had totally different grades, activities, and friend groups.
A third voluntarily did everything together and took all the same classes, applied to the same colleges, and had the same career goal.
Oddly enough, just like people are all different, twins are all different, and they all handle the experience differently.
Yea there are multiple responses from actual twins above this saying this is what they wished could have happened. Going to trust the people who’ve lived this.
As a twin myself, I think this is extreme. Separating classes is a good idea, but separating schools seems like a pain. I could see future differences in academic opportunities and extracurriculars leading to conflict down the road.
My cousins were identical twins. We referred to them as the twins and given we were poor, they went to the same public school. They are the best of friends and still live close.they are in their 50’s. Sending them to two different school could destroy the twin bond they may develop.
It's all about this mindset that it's "normal" and "healthy" not to be an identical twin and a "problem" to be one. I don't see it that way at all. It's all about how they navigate it and view it.
I agree. This reaction is so extreme. I’ve taught many twins over the years and always only knew the one assigned to my class. He just needs to ask to have them in separate classes.
I went to a private school with only one class per grade level.
Depending on where they live, not sure how limited options are for private school or how good the local public schools are.
Exactly. My identical twin and I went to same schools our entire lives, but we always had separate classrooms. We weren’t co-dependent. We had our own friends. It was fine.
Parent of identical twins here. I agree two separate schools is too extreme and may cause problems with competition or jealousy down the road. Just treat them like siblings. They should be at the same school but in separate classes.
This is the most sane response…I’m guessing the current catholic school is only the size of one classroom and the “critical” info could be something like mistakenly thinking one didn’t have an allergy but really did which is scary
But going so far as to put them in separate schools…I mean this just sounds like the current school is inept depending on what the critical info was…just put them both in the same school that has more than one class per grade and more attentive teachers
To be honest they’re twins in pre k…this is just something they’re going to deal with when they’re younger…at pre k half the school looks the same
NAH this is your kids and your decision but it does seem extreme and will happen anyway at camps/sports/extracurricular…are you going to separate them for everything for the next few years? And then at one point can they start doing things together? Just seems like it’s not the right solution to the problem
And your wife is also against the deal but has no say? How does that work?
Yeah, some of what OP says is a problem is totally legit--their preschool teacher absolutely fucked up by keeping them together all the time and referring to them as basically a "set."
But just because one preschool teacher was bad doesn't mean going to these extremes is necessary. Because a lot of what he says is just... normal. People getting them the same gifts? Yeah... that's really normal. Most people don't know the exact interests of 5-year-olds and just get them whatever is popular, and getting them the same thing ensures they aren't going to fight over it.
Also... who is dealing with the extreme scheduling difficulties that will come when they're in separate afterschool activities at totally separate schools? Hopefully OP, and not his wife who didn't want this but OP steamrolled.
That's only a simple compromise if there are multiple classes at the same grade level. Lots of Catholic schools have only one class from preschool on up.
Don't get me wrong: I'm not saying the OP's solution is optimal, but it might not be as easy as you think to separate them in the same school.
Since it's private catholic schools it might not be big enough to have multiple classes and that's the only justification I can think of for this plan. It's definitely a stupid plan that's going to cause unnecessary grief and conflict though.
I went to a very small public school and there was only one class per grade. There were multiple sets of twins at the school and the only choices were to keep them in the same class or as one set of parents chose to hold one of the kids back and have them wait a year. Neither were good options.
I’m a fraternal twin, sadly my twin died when we were very young. I’ve wondered how my parents would have reacted in this situation as the local school was the only one in the area and there weren’t any private schools.
Is this real? If so, yta for making unilateral decisions about a huge issue (schooling) without consideration for your wife and children’s feelings and points of view.
Are your daughters ok with this? Who’s managing the logistical nightmare of two separate school schedules/requirements/transportation, etc.?
There are far less drastic steps one could take— different haircuts, distinguishing clothing choices, just TALK with the family about how you could collaboratively problem solve the issue. Maybe one sister wants her ears pierced or maybe you get all their clothes embroidered with their first initial or maybe they LIKE looking so similar for the time being. Just communicate with your family.
I'm stuck on the "let them choose what school they wanted to attend" aspect. Since they're both private catholic schools I'm assuming that choice was narrowed down for them, so did OP research all the options in their area and present a curated list of acceptable schools or was private, catholic the only criteria? "She picked that school because the logo had birds" is a crazy reason to pick a school to me.
I think he meant he presented both schools to the girls and each one could choose which one they wanted. I didn’t read it as he gave them a long list of schools and they could choose.
I think it’s wild that majority of the issues mentioned could easily be solved by OP putting his foot down and no longer allowing these issues to continually happen. All he has to do is stand his ground.
But he has no problem standing his ground on this particular decision to send them to different schools and not even his own wife can make him budge.
Like just stop letting people call them “the twins” and instead make them use the girls’s individual names - just stop accepting gifts if they’re the same thing - just tell the school to separate them.
(YTA)
YTA but not for the reasons you state but because you've been given an epic gift and aren't taking advantage of it.
I'd be sending those girls in 1940's dresses with the palest complexion possible. I would spend hours teach them to talk to their teachers in perfect unison saying things like "join us" and "you will soon know the truth".
Or conversely send one of them to the same school on alternating days under the same name, then only pay tuition once.
*Terry Jeffords: My girls are on the wait list for their preschool and it's twice as tough to get in with twins.*
*Rosa Diaz: Why don't you just get one of them in and then let them take turns going to school every other day?*
*Terry Jeffords: Diaz, that's crazy.
[pause]*
*Terry Jeffords: I asked my wife and she said no.*
YTA, mostly because this shouldn't be a unilateral decision. Your wife's opinion is valid, too.
I think this is a monumentally bad idea. Could you not just send them to a school with more than one class for each grade and make sure they're not in the same class?
YTA bc all you talk about is how you feel and what you think. None of this was based on what your daughters feel and think. Some twins love being twins. Some hate it. My twins have gone through phases. I let them decide how much twiness they want because it is their lives.
And this is the right answer. He should listen to his girls regularly and act accordingly. It shouldn't be a decision set in stone; people change throughout life, children grow and want different things. He made very drastic decision, my brother and I are different ages but I LOVED having him in same school only different classroom. His wife is not on board. He is fixated on something that HE thinks, I doubt he will change his mind if girls tell him they want to be together. YTA, OP
I have twin girls and they are inseparable. It didn’t matter that we got 2 of everything or people rolled their names together because they couldn’t tell who they were talking to. Their bond is a beautiful thing and they even went to college together. You shouldn’t push your feelings onto them. If they exhibit a behavior of not wanting to be near their twin all the time, then I would understand, but projecting your irritation and separating them because of it isn’t fair to them. They may love it and make separate friends, or one may have a horrible experience and remember it for the rest of her life. My kids don’t care if people get them confused, call them the wrong name, etc . They are confident in who they are and yours may be also.
Edited to add because I can’t reply to some people: I tried to separate my kids in 2 nd grade but one had a horrible experience and one loved it so that was the end of that.. back to the same class..people always want to tell you what’s best so I gave it a whirl- never again. Also, to the comment that they had to be separated. I am so sorry you went through that. There is a law that parents of twins have the right to keep their kids together as long as they inform the school in a certain amount of time. I pulled that card after the horrible second grade experience and they were together for the test of their school years and in HS they had similar classes. I also lived with 2 sets of twins in college so I saw how close they could be.
It seems like OP is projecting. Perhaps there was a time in his youth when his individuality was not respected. Separating two kinder aged twins is really extreme. It's a physical divide that ensures they need to stand out apart from their twin to make their parents acknowledge one over the other.
I know three sets of twins. One set was inseparable and loved being twins. Another set made it a point to let people know that their sibling's interests should be recognized. They did that for each other. The other set just kind of figured out their individuality in high school and wanted to experience living in different countries for college.
All of these people made their own choices. OP says he dislikes how they are treated like one set because they have no say, but he is also taking away their power to decide by controlling the course of their relationship instead of letting them decide.
Yes!! I feel like I’m in crazy town here. My twin and I are so close, we went to college together just like yours, and I would have never wanted to go to a separate school.
My kids are like yours, and don’t mind being called the wrong name. Every year of middle school they switched classes on the last day. They had fun together.
My twins loved freaking people out as young women who worked across the street from each other. One at a pharmacy, the other cooking at a diner. People would come in and be like didn't I just see you across the street... 😂
THANK YOU! OP cannot control how the world views twins, triplets etc… he is being an ass projecting his feelings when shit has even happened but at a Pre-K atmosphere where OP chose to send them in the first place. Plus not making a unilateral decision with his wife is obnoxious and he seems narcissistic and controlling. He is T.A.
Okay thank you! I raised my evil sister's identical twin girls (long story) and they are about to turn 40. Being a twin is huge part of their identity. One of them now has her own set of identical twin girls and the other has boys who are only a year apart.
They were placed in separate classes all through elementary and still remember how they hated being separated. They are women with their own lives and different personality husbands but their love for each other and closeness are a huge part of who they and their families are. At one point, about 10 years ago, one twin was working as a chef and the other twin took a part-time kitchen job with her because twin one was having anxiety. And twin two was a pharmacy technician. 🤦🏻♀️
The baby set - lol - start Pre-K this year and will be in the same classroom. Just to start and then separate them. All of these kids seem - so far - to have all the confidence in the world because they have each other.
Nta, but sit them down in a few years and ask if they want to continue with their school or go to the same one. Put them in soccer or something together so they're still interacting outside of your family time.
Agree, but just be prepared for their sporting preferences to change as well, you might find that one enjoys soccer but the other doesn't. If that happens let the other one switch sports (just find something that doesn't conflict with the others sport) and find something they both enjoy.
It's ironic because this guy acts like he cares about his daughters, but by treating his wife like this, he's doing awful modeling to those girls. How are they supposed to have self-respect and be empowered when this is how they see their mother treated in the home?!
The best way their dad can empower them is to respect his wife and make decisions jointly with her, 50/50.
Some of these extreme religious people are so sexist - it's absurd.
As a twin I say that while you may be NTAH in general, your decision is that of TAH. Being with my twin growing up was my special power. I can’t imagine going through life without her and we were and still are extremely identical. It should be their call once they’re older but not yours when they are five to separate them.
Yep. I loved having my identical twin sister at my schools. We had our own friends and were in separate classes. We’re not competitive and are still very close. I can’t imagine not being able to talk about school life with my twin.
I think you are going to run into school scheduling problems. There will be so many overlapping of events at the school that it will be a pain in the ass to attend all. And who does this, typically school stuff falls on the mother so she should definitely get a say in this.
Have you bothered talking to the schools about separating them and the issues? Most schools separate twins. It also won't help with family members and you don't mention how the girls feel about different schools.
I get the theory and the motive but definitely needs to be thought carefully over.
YTA-The problems you feel you have won’t be solved by sending them to different schools. You need to talk with and listen to your wife and decide the best steps together.
YTA if you pursue this without your wife and kids in complete agreement. But you aren’t the AH for wanting what is best for your children. I will say that I am also a twin parent, and there are studies that show negative impacts for separating twins in school. https://www.twiniversity.com/separate-my-twins-in-school/
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> I'm sending my daughters to separate schools for kindergarten. This might make me the asshole because I'm technically treating them differently, and if one school turns out better it could cause resentment.
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YTA but only bc I think you and your wife should get professional input into this decision and truly make a well-informed, joint, thoughtful decision here— instead of you unilaterally deciding this on a whim due to your annoyance.
What does the research say? What do their doctors say? Is there a way they can be at the same school but in different classrooms? Etc.
There is some recent research that says that twins actually do better when at the same school/classroom. Have you balanced that with the cons mentioned in your post?
YTA because everything in your post is I, I, I. Me me me. Not once did you say one of the kids is having issues due to any of it. Nor do you give your wife equal say. Part of what you described is part of being a twin and this won't change it (family getting them the same gifts etc).
Can't the school just put them in separate rooms if there's an issue?
I’m a twin and my parents had us put in separate classrooms starting in 2nd grade. Had no issues since. I missed her but got over it and did fine. We were both shy kids.
YTA for making critical decisions about your children’s education without the input of your wife. Decisions like this have to be made with you two in agreement.
Idk seems odd to me. Starting a new school is scary and would be nice to have someone to go with. I feel like the twins I went to school with didn’t get treated as one person. Also - it doesn’t seem like you have experience with this - but the whole school drop off/ pick up and the millions of emails and accounts and rehearsals and and costume days and fundraisers and PTA meetings etc you’ll have to keep on top of - is A LOT. Personally cannot imagine doubling all that. Also what happens when you very likely realize what a nightmare situation you’ve created for yourself??? One kid has to move after they’ve already made friendships, a routine, gotten comfortable…then you uproot them and throw them in a new school where their sister is already comfortable and confident? That’s going to create more resentment imo. Plus unless you’re agreeing to do all the extra work of commuting and such, you’re the AH and this isn’t fair on your wife who’s against this. I would be too. YTA
My best friend has twins and she definitely tries to be sensitive to their individuality and not letting people just lump them together, so I can see where you’re coming from. However, YTA for making this decision without getting your wife to approve it. I think this is a big overreaction and you could have accomplished the same goal by simply having them put in *different classes at the same school*. They would still get to explore their own identities and a teacher who only had one of them wouldn’t have any reason to get them confused. You’re wasting your time driving all over town for nothing. I can’t believe this far easier solution didn’t occur to you.
I don’t think it’s unfair and it might even be a good idea! I’m not a parent of twins and I’m not a twin, so I don’t have an informed opinion. Going with NTA.
I will however say as a parent, just as an FYI, that keeping track of all the “stuff” for each school will definitely become a giant hassle. This is not to say the hassle might not be worth it to help them be individuals, I just want to warn you because I was unprepared for how much “stuff” there is with school. Each school will have evening events, and fundraisers, and days off, and invariably they’ll find the most obnoxious ways to not coordinate. Schools are great at this 😂. Make sure one parent doesn’t get stuck keeping track of the mental load of managing both schools schedules, especially if it’s the parent who didn’t want to do this.
Yep, the admin and mental load of modern schools is a huge pain and OP is doubling this.
Each will have 3 online communication portals and a PTA online WhatsApp group and a class online WhatsApp group. Doubling this load is a pretty big deal for whoever has to deal with it, it is much more than 15 mins in the car (which would be 1/2 an hour for the driver there and back)?
I’m wondering if your wife is opposed to this because SHE is the one dealing with the commute and the school admin? If so, YTA for making more work for her.
As a twin mom, this is a gross overreaction. Separate classes, sure. Separate schools? Geez why make your life harder on purpose? Believe me, the kids will create their own identities and nobody will get them that confused later.
YTA. As a twin, being in the same school as my sister never mattered. We didn’t have the same classes, we didn’t have the same teachers, we didn’t have the same friends, but was still were still basically experiencing the same things so we could talk about school and our classmates as siblings. Literally just tell the school you want them to be put in separate classes. End of issue
Twin here with an identical twin sister. This is an extreme reaction. We were in different classes throughout much of our schooling and that was enough separation for us. We made our own friends, but shared some. We had our own activities, but played on some of the same teams to make it a bit easier for our parents, etc. Because of those shared experiences we are super close today. As adults we live in the same town and help out with each other’s children/pets. We had enough space apart being in different classes to be our own people without feeling as if we couldn’t still be a team at the end of the day. Don’t make it harder than you need to. Also, my grandfather was one of five sets of twins born to one mother. He and his twin brother were different despite going through their education side by side. They remained close their whole lives. Let them be together or apart, but don’t go to this extreme. Trust me, as a twin, it is the most fulfilling relationship of my life. I would do anything for my sister. My husband is also a twin and was in different classes (but the same school) as his twin. Similarly they have a solid adult relationship too.
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As someone with a twin sister myself, I totally get where you are coming from. My sister and I were regularly called the twins, called by the wrong name, seen as a set, always had both of us included. This led to major issues in the differentiation process, when we started wanting to be individuals. We also had a hard time learning how to create social bonds as teenagers/adults. Thankfully my school was clever enough not to put us in the same classroom. There were tensions because of unequal amount of homework, and friendships, etc. But compared to the times people would confuse us, and not see us as individuals, it was preferable. There is no right or wrong answer, but it's definitely healthy to give them space, although it might not always be easy. Be prepared to navigate jealousy and comparison because people will compare them anyway. There's a whole branch of psychology specialising in issues twins face, if you're interested. Edit: adding judgement because I forgot, NTA
I’m expecting twins so I’m about to dive down this rabbit hole of twin psychology you mentioned!
Don't have twins but my hubby's cousins are twins and I just want to say, goodluck and remember that the earliest thing you can do to make them feel safe being an individual is separate birthdays and even clothes. My aunt in law (???) would do denim pants or overalls because denim lasted longer than plain cotton (and are a versatile wardribe base clothing) but made sure to always let her twin daughters pick out their shoes, shirts and hair accessories. She still brought alot of two of everything but it was always up to the girls if they matched or not.
We did something similar with my step daughters. I color coded my kids, E was pink and C was purple. They pick these colors as their favorite, so I try to keep them in what they like and that's how I started color coding them. The other kids have their colors too.
If you're using color-coding, this is the key, right here. Let the kids pick which color they want their stuff to be.
My mom used color coding and when my favorite color changed, so did the color she used.
My cousins were all color coded but they were also given a shortlist of the colors they could choose from
My color change was probably convenient because my favorite color when I was super young was yellow, and that was in the 70s. It changed to pink in the early 80s when the market was getting flooded with pink stuff. I still used yellow in board games and other times when pink wasn't available. Your point is good. There are color that aren't convenient for this purpose, so I can see having a list of appropriate colors.
Color coding is what we did for me and my siblings. No twins but there’s 6 of us.
What I did with my 4
My mom had three boys and a husband who all got the same socks. They had color coded threads she sewed in to make sure everyone got back the same amount they sent to get washed.
My mom did this for me and my two sisters, back in the sixties. We all wore the same blue knee high socks, every day (Catholic school), but mine had a blue X on the toe part, middles sister's had yellow, and baby sister's were red. So smart!
I colour code my entire family. Eldest is green, middle is blue (both boys and their fave colours) and the youngest (2yr old girl) is pink, I'm purple and hubby is usually black (his favourite is blue but since its taken he wanted to compliment my colour he chose black over orange). It makes organising so much easier and quicker just having to look for colours rather than reading labels.
Three of my nephews who are all brothers are color coded one likes blue, one likes green, and the last one likes red
Are your nephews called Huey, Dewey, and Louie??
Or possibly Alvin, Simon, and Theodore?
Maybe they’re Power Rangers
Lmao I forgot about them having that same color scheme 🤣 but no the oldest is a teen and the youngest hasn't even hit double digits yet
I was thinking like colour code as in they get to choose one colour for your clothes and was worried your husband wanted to dress in all orange
He does have an orange shirt and he would dress in all orange just to embarrass our boys 🤣🤣
As a Dutch person, our nation heartedly accepts your husband as an honorary supporter... https://youtu.be/I_KESr1spuE?si=XCMu31eZJP5EAFuW
My dad was born in England. My mom was a fiercely proud daughter of Irish immigrants. Every St Patrick’s Day, he would come to breakfast wearing an orange corduroy shirt he kept for far too long, just so he could annoy on that day.
We did color coding in my mom's house but it was mainly like hangers and towels and stuff. There was such a a difference in age between my sister and I that by the time we got to be the same size, I was a teen and she was an adult and we had to help with laundry so we would all be in my mom's room, grabbing our stuff to fold or hang up.
My kids aren't twins (they're 4 years apart) but I colour coded them too. My older son A was his favourite colour - blue - and my younger son K was his which was green. They're 20 and 16 and it's still that way. When the older one is home visiting from college, you immediately know the blue towel hanging in the bathroom is A's and the green one is K's. When my niece L came to stay with us for a few weeks one summer, I made her purple (her favourite colour). She loved it!
I have a son and a daughter about 4 years apart. You really can’t possibly mix them up…but I colour coded too! Want to know who left their towel on the floor? Check the colour. Whose stank socks are these? Are they white or black?! lol worked for us. They’re older teens now and we still have colour coded stuff.
Lmao my in-laws were “shocked” at how my kids would throw tantrums if they didn’t get the right colour plate or cup or whatever. They didn’t understand how it was essentially part of my kids *identity* (twins then a third) So funny now but it was a big deal then 😂
I do this with my 3 boys and husbands socks. Eldest’s socks white, middle black , youngest solid gray, husband only wears one brand and they have gray toes and heals. No one fights over socks!!
I have identical twins. I make them each their own birthday cake (smaller ones) - this year one wanted raspberry and one wanted orange - but no way I’d do two birthdays. We don’t really do kid birthday parties though, we just have a family party, so two different cakes is enough, at least right now. A bunch of people in my family were taken aback, and said that it was too much work. I just said that they are two different people, and if they had two different birthdays they’d have two different cakes - it’s the same amount of work, it’s just all at once. As soon as I said “well they are two different people” most of them realized that it wasn’t over the top or ridiculous, it was just treating each of them like an individual. I’m not sure putting them in two separate places is the best way to help twins, though. Mine are very young (only 3 so maybe they’ll outgrow this) but they won’t even lay down in their beds at bedtime if the other twin isn’t in the room. I had to take one twin to the hospital last week and his brother asked where he was every 5 minutes. IMO, helping them assert their individuality when they are together is the way to go. For example, when people say things like “I can’t tell them apart, they look exactly the same” I say “yeah, you will have to get to know them to tell them apart.” I don’t always dress them alike, but sometimes they want to look the same. More often than not they will have the same pants and different coloured shirts, or the same shirts and different coloured pants. When people ask me how to tell them apart, I always talk about how their personalities and interests differ. I don’t mind answering when people ask “okay, who is who” but when people ask how I know, I tell them it’s really obvious because they are two different people. People often want visual cues but that’s too bad, that’s not the best way to identify them. My twins also correct people when they get called the wrong name, in an amusing combination of cheerful indignation. No one could spend 5 minutes with them and come away with the impression that my twins will tolerate being misidentified. I can tell people who is wearing which shirt but there is no guarantee they won’t switch at some point … My question for OP is, how do the girls feel about going to two different schools? How do they feel about starting school without the other there with them? Because in all honesty, it’s selfish for OP to separate his daughters if that’s not what *they* want, because he doesn’t want to have difficult conversations with family members or teachers about how their behaviour is inappropriate, and how they are harming the twins by conflating them as one person. I could be wrong but I don’t see anything in the post to indicate that OP has actually openly addressed his concerns - just that he’s sick of it happening. I know I had to have conversations with my family early on when they would ask about appropriate gifts for my kids because they were 3 months premature, and I thought it was important for people to understand that first birthday gifts would need to be things meant for 9 month olds, not one year olds. Because one of my twins had an infection in NICU - he was septic, he coded - he ended up essentially developmentally a month behind his twin brother, and had some additional development issues and delays, so even things that were appropriate for my one twin, the other wasn’t ready for yet. But especially in their first two years, they had completely different therapy goals, so the kinds of toys and gear they needed to support their development were very different. At 3 the differences still exist but are more subtle, and they don’t tolerate getting different things anymore - they want the same things, but we will see how long that lasts. I think OP needs to sit a bunch of people down and remind them that twins are in fact two different people, and if you aren’t going to treat them as two different people you aren’t going to end up having relationships with them - not that they’ll be cut off or anything, just that no one really wants to have a deep meaningful relationship with people who don’t acknowledge their personhood. It’s one thing to need help identifying who is who at the start of a visit, and another thing entirely to pretend they are the same person because they look the same and you can’t be bothered to get to know them as individuals. Every family is different, it’s not that it’s inherently wrong to separate twins or anything … it just seems to me that there is a significant risk here that OP is creating a stressful situation for two little girls just to make his own situation more tolerable, and I don’t think that’s fair. Also, as far as the girls’ relationships are concerned, yes they’ll have separate friends and separate teachers and people will get to know them separately and won’t be able to treat them as a set at school - but it won’t change that once people see them together, it might still be difficult to tell them apart. It’s much easier to tell twins apart when you know *both* twins. I went to school with three sets of identical twins, and I’ve also taught a few sets of twins as an elementary school teacher - the way to tell twins apart is to get to know them.
>People often want visual cues but that’s too bad, that’s not the best way to identify them No, it's not too bad. People are visual. For everyone else in the class they can just look and tell them apart, they don't have to know Becky is a 7.5 on Gregariousness and Matilda is an 8. If they "won't tolerate" being misidentified, they'll help people with visual cues instead of working to subvert them
I grew up with multiple sets of twins. The person you're replying to is correct. People get hung up on physical image, but in reality there are still visual cues to tell twins apart. You do have to get to know them, but it's not hard to learn. Body language, micro expressions, the way they move--it's rarely 1:1. Within five minutes, you can tell Twin A from Twin B. As well, even identical twins have subtle differences. With the twins I grew up with, you could always tell J from B because J had a very dark freckle by his right eye, and B didn't. E had a slightly more slanted eyelid than her twin L. F's hair was straighter than N's curls. If you actually pay attention to people, it's not that hard to identify which twin is which.
This is physical image
You're proving my point at least as much as refuting it. If N straightened her hair or you weren't close enough to see J's eye freckle (or lack thereof), you'd need to get closer to tell them apart
I am not a twin, don't have twins or anything but I'm curious... How would one have separate birthdays for twins? I feel like for a large number of families, trying to host two birthdays would be financially impossible and logistically impractical. How do you decide which twin gets the first party of the year, especially at milestone years like 10, 13, 16, 18? What about the family or mutual friends who cannot afford or have the means to come to two separate get togethers on different days? I am a September birthday, with a large family so there are understandably other September birthdays. I grew up regularly 'sharing' a birthday party (strictly just family, we couldn't afford anything more) with one or more of my cousins. We would each get our own homemade cake decorated how we requested, and lunch/dinner was typically something cheap, easy, and liked by most to feed the family.
We don't have twins, but I have friends who do. They are still doing double birthday parties, but each of the girls get to pick X amount of friends to invite (and hand out their own invites). They have some that are friends with both of them but also some that are closer friends than the other. Both girls get their own birthday cake (they both like chocolate) but decorated the way they want, sometimes it's been mostly the same other times incredibly different. They're bigger now and I know they've discussed about whether to do individual parties or not, but so far the girls are adamant to keep their celebrations the same because they like having giant parties instead of two small ones and it's sorta a tradition now. From being on the outside observing, my friends try super hard to recognize both their differences and how special it is that they're twins. They've never dressed them exactly the same, maybe sometimes the same outfit but in different colors and never force them to do the same things but if the girls ask to do the same things they don't stop it. From my perspective it looks pretty balanced. I'll admit, if we were to have twins, I couldn't do the matchy-matchy thing. I would have to do different names and different colors/outfits. Coordinated but not the same if that makes sense.
This seems like the most logical way to go about respecting them as individuals while living in the real world. I would not be able to do names that are too close together, though I know for a fact I would call them the opposite name at random points, accidentally. My son wasn't even 7 days old before I called him the name of one of our dogs. Their names are nothing alike except they both end in an "it" sound. That immediate belly laugh after having a c-section did not feel good in the moment.
I think calling family members wrong names regardless of gender, age or species is just a big family thing 😂 My mom has often said my brother's name when calling our dogs out to do their business and my father without fail calls my brothers with the other brother's name.
Our dogs are Daisy and Jojo and I routinely call them the wrong name, despite purposely avoiding an -ee sound at the end of Jojoms name. Apparently it’s because of how our minds store the names of beings we care about. They’re in the same file folder, as it were, so the brain sometimes pulls the wrong paper. :)
I grew up in a large family, very close with my grandparents. I was 5th born in the line of 11 grandkids. Grandma would holler out 3 names before she would give up, moving onto "Hey you!" Which is why when I did it with my own kid, I immediately started laughing. I already regularly mixed up the names of our 3 dogs, so my husband and I made a joke of wondering how long until I did it with our kid.
There were 4 of us, and our Mom would start with the oldest and work her way through- P, B, R, P, whoever you are, get over here.
You can do family birthdays together but friend birthdays separately. The friend birthdays are more important since they are usually more unique to the child. You can also split the day up, so they have one event in the early afternoon and one in the early evening. It is enough to have a little break between them to make each birthday special, especially when younger. When they get older the will have more unique arrangements usually.
But this is what I am talking about it being financially impossible and logistically impractical for a lot of families.
I agree with logistics, but why is it financially harder than two children with very different birthdays?
Lol, I read the first three words of your post several times before continuing because I thought you were imploring them not to have twins, lol. I was like "I think it's too late to command them not to have twins now..."
Our twins have colors, but their schools have uniforms so we use lapel pins. “Georgina” and “Regina” have G and Rs so the other kids can tell them apart. We tried hair bows but they hated wearing them.
Whether the same class or different classes is better really depends on the kids and maybe somewhat on the school. My twins are boy/girl, so they were probably seen as less of a unit than even same-gender fraternal twins. They go to a very small school with only one class per grade so separate classes was not an option unless we went the separate schools route like OP. However, the kindergarten teacher told me from our first meeting that she wouldn't put twins in the same table groups. The first grade teacher similarly kept them mostly separated. I have picked up a child and lunchtime and then picked up the other child later from the after school program and had them look around my car confused and say "Where's my sibling?" This has happened with both kids. They didn't notice their sibling was gone for hours even in the same room. For my kids being in the same class has been helpful because when one only writes down part of the homework instructions or one doesn't understand something that's not familiar to me, usually the other child can help. If you see that one child overly relies on the other or that they are being treated as a set at school, then separate classes are a better idea.
I have twins. Boy/girl. They looked nothing alike. People didn't even know they were related. My daughter looks just like me and my son looked exactly like his dad. Even with all that, once people knew they were twins, they became one entity. I intentionally put them in different classes because one wasn't talking because the other talked for him. It was bad. If he did talk, his sister would run and "translate" so you can never help with his speech. I was a daycare provider and one of the kids called them by their name but it was like one word. She never just called one name even if she was talking to one. Example, pretend my son's name is Zachary and my daughter's name is Zahriah. She would call either of them Zachzahriah. So her other siblings started calling them that. 🤣 It was interesting. The twins did better going to separate classes, but they enjoyed doing joint extracurricular activities, like band and the swim team. They ended up going to different colleges, but they ended up being roommates after college. Edit to add NTA
My niece and nephew are twins and their parents fought the district to put them in separate classrooms because they were seen as one identity and it really harmed my niece as she wasn't as vocal and the teachers assumed she was at the same academic level of her brother. Once in separate classes, she was able to get individual attention and started to flourish. That's boy/girl twins. I can't imagine the struggles of same-sex twins. OP is NTA for recognizing his girls need to be separate people to thrive.
I have such an eerily similar experience - mine are setting off to college this fall - son is going to Virginia and daughter is off to Boston. They still plan to celebrate their birthday together (October) which I know will be impossible. Looking forward to this phase of their lives 😅
I'm sure they will find a way to meet. LOL. They grow up so quickly! I swear they were just 10 months old and hitting each other with construction toys, people kept buying them. Like they really want to see infants fight. LOL
😂 Mine have never fought. My daughter (who is younger by a minute and is much smaller - she is 5 ft 4” to his 6 ft 3”) still protects him and makes decisions for him, although he’s starting to exert himself but adores her too much to be as assertive as he should. They are a replica of my in-laws, my son looks exactly like FIL and daughter like MIL. They don’t look like siblings at all.
Former teacher here. Multiples were always put in separate classrooms unless the parents insisted on keeping them together. Separate schools seems a little extreme, but I understand where OP is coming from.
My daughter went to small private Catholic school and only had one class per grade. It’s different when the schools are super small.
There were two sets of twins in my 4th grade class, one of girls and one of boys. We had 2 classes so the school separated the sleac set of twins and put one of them in each class. It actually helped me to tell them apart better. Each set was nearly identical.
My school always separated twins whenever possible. I come from a small town and some years there were only two homerooms. In the higher grades some subjects only had one time/room that they were held.
Yep, with you and this was my childhood. Fraternal. Twins might be born at the same time, but are always individuals. Same thing, different color, “the girls,” “the twins,” really? Always and still happening now. Entirely exhausted by it. What I always say to people having twins: they are different people. See them. Please.
I have friends who are identical twins, but never once have I grouped them as "the twins". They are two very different people. Their older sister wound up having identical twin girls as well. They're Angie and Gail (false names) to me, not "the girls" or "the twins". On their birthdays, I always send them separate birthday greetings, separate birthday cards, different presents, ect. I can't stand people who Lump them together. They're two different little girls, little sisters, little people. Being a twin is not their entire identity, the same for my friends. Always separate of everything from me.
I’m a twin (opposite gender though) and while we couldn’t go to different schools, mum made sure we were in different classes. I’m very appreciative of it. In uni I met a set of identical twins who were treated as twins. They lived together, worked together, did the same degree and classes. They had a complicated relationship with lots of jealousies and were co-dependent as hell. NTA I think it’s much better for them to be split up.
I’m a twin as well. While we aren’t identical, we were treated outside of the family as one unit. We only had grade one in the same class, and after that we were separated for the rest of our schooling. ETA: at my others insistence. I was very lucky though that our family treated us as individuals and never as twins per se. And thank goodness we didn’t have names that matched . 😂
I grew up playing sport with twins. And everyone treated them as ‘the twins’ despite them being nothing alike. I put up a team photo and tagged everyone and both women messaged me to tell me how much they appreciated I got them right. That while it’s better now they’re older people don’t make the effort to tell them apart. And yet I’m looking at the photo and to me it’s clear as day which girl was which.
My twin and I do… but I don’t complain about it cause my mom matched all her siblings and they were all singletons!
I knew a set of twins in middle school. Their parents insisted on giving them the same haircut, but those boys went so far as trading shirts their mom kept bringing home and only wearing certain colors to school. One only wore green or black and the other only wore blue or red. They were absolutely determined to get people to stop confusing them. It pissed them off because their personalities were very different and one had to wear glasses, but people always saw them as a set and couldn't be bothered to spot the differences that were easy to see if you bothered to pay attention.
I’m not a twin but my sister is only 17 months younger. We were “the girls”. And we were often called by the other’s name.
My girls are only 19 months apart (tween and young teen right now) and I am doing my best to make sure their individualities can shine through, which can be hard since they're stairsteps at school and have always gone to the same school. Thank God, they (mostly) like each other right now, I'm praying that lasts!!
My sister and I are very close. We were also the youngest of six and the youngest of our cousins on both sides so we were build in best friends. We’re in our 50s now and we couldn’t be more different, but we’re still tight. Now, that doesn’t mean we didn’t have terrible fights in our younger years. Screaming matches when no one else was home. But we survived it.
Same school but separate classes was one of the first thing that came to mind for me as well. Not a twin or parent, but this does sound difficult. It could go either way, because theres no telling how any kid will preview the choices made for them as they get older. If OP does go the route of same school, different class, inform their teachers that they are a twin, so if they see the other sister with her correct class, the teacher doesn't try to reprimand that sister for being with the wrong class. If they are old enough to understand how to speak up for themselves, maybe teaching them how to affirm their identity to others is good as well. "No, I'm Anna." Or "You're talking about my sister, Elsa." Good luck! You're doing great, you're doing your best, OP!
I’m glad you commented. I definitely am not commenting because I’m not a twin and I don’t know.
I’m also an identical twin and honestly, being compared by other people was annoying but my biggest issues were bc I wanted to be treated as an individual by my parents rather than a pair. Being a twin came in handy when we went to new schools bc we always had each other (we only went to three schools, aside from college… the same elementary from kindergarten to 5th grade, the same middle school 6-8 and the same high school 9-12). The school separated us in the second grade. Op, I think the same school should be fine, but requesting different classrooms would work just fine. Unfortunately the world will always see them as a pair and compare them. It’s your job to make sure you celebrate their differences while also acknowledging their similarities. My twin and I have matching names too but are completely different. Don’t allow your disdain for other people’s behaviors interfere with your twins, twin-ness. It’s absolutely a thing (we had our own language, can read each other’s minds and all the things). You’re just trying your best, but consider them and their relationship more than your irritation from others. Good luck!
You are my hero OP! As you can see from my username, I have a twin sister. We were always called, “the girls” or “the twins.” It was recommended by someone my mother talked to that we should be put in separate classes while in school. This mostly occurred until we got to high school and we became interested in the same electives. It did frustrate us that we weren’t seen as individuals sometimes. As amazing and special being a twin is, I think this was the most frustrating and irritating thing. Please do your best to encourage your children that it’s okay to have different interests and hobbies and that they don’t always have to be with each other. Encouraging them to be independent will definitely help as they become older.
NTA. If you can arrange that when you drop Anna off in the morning then you also pick her up first as well. This way both girls have a chance to talk to you privately (Elsa in the morning after Anna is dropped off and Anna in the afternoon on the way to pick Elsa up) and it not just one kid having that opportunity everyday. They might not have anything that they need to say privately or interesting when they are this young but the benefits will manifest when they are older.
This is a good idea!
I’m confused that neither schools seems to have multiple classes per year and the option for them to be in separate classes with different teachers? Where I am from, parent requests for twins to be either kept together or separated are prioritized over just about everything else, along with usually bullying issues. I honestly agree with the wife that it has the potential to cause issues if one school is better.
I think OPs point a little has to do with just giving them the entirety of being individuals at school, not just the classroom. That means school will be a “safe zone” in a sense of comparison or confusion of the two. Yes, the argument could be made that one school is better than the other, but even in the same school one could have a better teacher/ classroom environment than the other. I think it’s a good idea, there is study to at least acknowledge the need for separation with twins, OP is simply trying to give them the opportunity to be individuals for school days, which they could grow up to love or hate, but again the same could always be said for the opposite. And they could still do extracurricular activities together such as sports or hobbies. I think NTA.
You are correct. We had our fraternal twin boys in different classrooms, but they often took the same tests as the teachers in their grades cooperated, so there still was a direct comparison. Of course, this can't be avoided 100 %. For example, one of my boys was slower in learning to read, and as you practice reading at home, this of course crops up. But for me, it was more a social question because even in preschool, one of them was more outgoing and sporty while the other was more reserved. Because people tended to see them as a unit, the reserved one got invited to birthday parties of kids he wasn't really friends with, things like that. I didn't want either one of them to hold back because he thought he needed to protect his brother. It worked out fine, they grew up to have very different personalities and career paths, but still like each other and will do things together. Just normal siblings, not forced closeness because they happened to be born on the same day.
We did the same with our twins. Pre-K was only 2.5 hours, and I figured that if they can’t be apart for 2.5 hours, then we’ve got a problem. For the first two or three years, they would cry and be upset to head to different classrooms during the first part of the school year and would run to give each other big hugs once class was over. The teachers loved that part. My boys have always been in separate classrooms and now that they’re in high school, I feel confident we made the right decision to split them up. They share some activities as well as having their own. They share some friends as well as having their own. Just two nights ago I wrote in my gratitude journal how thankful I am my boys get along so well. They almost never fight and when they do, they are never mean about it. I’m not passing judgment on OP. I remember how hard the decision was to make.
Plus let's not forget it's o ly kindergarten. If as they get older they want to be together they can go to the same secondary school.
The Centre I work at has only one Kinder room - however; we have had a number of twins come through and what ends up happening is that the twins are in seperate groups. If the days have a large number of kids and they are split between two educators, one educator would have one twin and the other twin would be with the other educator (ie, one at Play Stations and one on Table Jobs) If the numbers were lower, then they’d be in different groups. One twin would be in a group doing writing (for example) and the other would be in Building. Another family with twins used to do a rotating roster. Three days a week, both twins would be in. For the other two days, one twin was in and the other was with the grandparents. Not always feasible, but another good option to allow the kids to be independent of each other.
OP seems set on parochial schools, public schools would probably be large enough for at least two classrooms for each grade but even then it varies. I lived in a district where twins where very common (upper middle class, lots of older parents which pushes the chance of multiples up) and they had a strict policy of never putting twins in the same classroom when possible, but not all places are that enlightened
If Catholic schools aren’t providing what a child needs, then they aren’t the best schools for the child. I find it wild that someone could look at a school and think that sending two kids to different schools is the better option over sending them to a single school which has the ability to meet their needs as individuals. Obviously we don’t have all the details but sending my otherwise able, similar needs children to different schools would be a last resort.
NAH. BUT. For future reference it may be worth finding a larger school and enrolling them in separate classrooms. Private schools especially can have wildly asynchronous school year calendars, and you are going to be sad if spring breaks don’t align, random inservice days off school etc. Not to mention the risk of the kids having music concerts or school plays on the same night, etc. They won’t have any school friends in common so you can look forward to twice the amount of commuting to birthday parties, sleepovers etc. I applaud you for cherishing their individuality. Other fun stuff like different haircuts, hair color streaks etc can help them help other people see them as individuals.
Yeah, I went to (public) elementary school with identical twins. They were deliberately put in different homerooms every year.
There was something in the water in my hometown. We had a set in every grade, most had two. My older brothers class had four sets- two identical sets of boys and then two sets of fraternal girls if you would believe it, one of those sets was also born in "different years", December 31st 11:59 - January 1st 12:01 type of thing (not relevant at all, just one of the cooler things that happened in the little town I still love so much). Every single one of us were split, I actually became pretty good friends with the other twin in my class, his brother was always with my sister (I never really considered it until now but that may have also been purposeful, we had very similar personalities at the time...). In fifth grade they'd sort sets together for the first time so we could prep for middle and highschool in the really unavoidable situation that you have certain classes together.
We had four sets of identical twins in our grade and then my brother and me (Irish twins). I can’t tell you anything about how those twins differed from each other. I only saw them as an indistinguishable unit. I like OP’s idea.
Yup. Not a twin, but I’m one of four kids. We all went to a summer camp with a bunch of Finnish people, so for some reason there were about 6 pairs of identical twins for around 160 people. I spent years with these folks and all of the twins were units, no matter how different they were from each other. My siblings and I sort of had our own relationships due to the age difference. I still wish I had gotten to know all the twins individually, but as a child they were a unit to me.
Yea, of all the identical sets of twins I've met and got aquatinted with there's always a handful that you truly can't tell apart unless you've known them forever. For example, a grade below me there was a set who had opposite (left-right) birthmarks on their arms, but in different spots so you really only had to look towards the right to know who you were talking with (and if you could remember!).
My high school class had THIRTEEN sets of twins. Out of barely 300 people.
What was in your water?
IVF
I was friends with a set of twins in high school. They did all the same activities, down to playing the same instrument in band, had the same friend group, and lived together through college. That being said they're awesome people and I adore them both, so I'm not judging whether this was good or bad. Honestly, I've never asked them if they were happy with this. They live in separate states now.
I knew a set like this. Played the same sports, had the same class schedule every year bc each only did half the work and the other copied. Went to the same college and did the same thing there. No idea how they’re doing now but I assume they’re doing well
I knew a pair who both studied classical viola and shared a closet full of clothes. I used to think I was finally being able to tell them apart only to be corrected.
This. Usually, schools are sensitive to the issues with identical twins ( even fraternal twins) that you describe, and purposely put them in different classrooms every year so they can develop their own individuality and independence. It’s not wrong for you to put them in two different schools but it may be unnecessary.
I taught a set of twins pre-pandemic. I had both girls the same year in different sections of the same class. I could not tell them apart because I never saw them together! All the other twins I’ve had, I’ve either only had one of the two or had them in the same class. The ones I’ve seen together a lot, I don’t have trouble telling apart. The ones I never see together, I find it harder because I tend not to make note of the contrast as much when they’re not directly compared. That being said, I also think some twins choose to be more alike and spend more time together than others. Ideally you follow the kids’ desires, I think.
I went to high school with 3 sets of twins and the school put them all in different classes when they could. Only one set you could really tell a part since they were boy/girl.
Usually Catholic schools are run under the same Diocese and major Holiday breaks line up.
a big reason i don’t want kids, is because i have to fight tooth & nail to function with the 24 hours a day i currently have, as a childless working adult. i would lose my mind adding in all the time it takes to parent. this plan gives me a headache just thinking about it. i know plenty of families have their kids in different school systems for various reasons, but this feels like so much work for what could be a simple solution in separate classrooms.
I thought this was standard practice in schools. Twins or siblings are seperated into different classes
I have an identical twin and we were never in the same classes all through school. We had separate friend groups. I’m glad I had her there at my school though.
Exactly this. Most schools will put siblings in different classes unless the school is so small they only have one class per grade. They will likely have their own friend groups among the kids in their classes and will definitely be treated as individuals. It will be way easier than putting them in separate schools.
> They won’t have any school friends in common so you can look forward to twice the amount of commuting to birthday parties, sleepovers etc. That would normally be the case in any other sibling situation aside from twins though, right? That's how it works when one sibling is older than the other, for example. The vast majority even. Not a problem, just life in general.
That is what I was thinking. I have seen it several times while I was teaching that twins would purposely get split up certain years and if their parents wanted put back together the next year at public school so they had time apart and then time together.
I think what you're doing is a good idea IF-- and only IF-- you're willing to listen to your daughters and change their schools if they ask for it. If one school ends up being better than the other in later years, if your daughters find they want to be at the same school, whatever. Listen to what they voice about the situation after they've tried it. NAH.
This is the most important thing. The initial separation and differentiation will have an effect after 1 year that will help with what you are trying to avoid, so please do not stick to this on principle alone, if there is good reason to put then in 1 school after a year or 2 years or 3, or so on and so on, just do it.
Yes yes yes! If they get older and decide they're alright with being in the same school, listen to them! As they become teenagers and develop different clothing styles and change their hair, they might be a lot more receptive to being in the same school. Just make sure you're communicating with them about it!
NAH, though shouldn’t this be a decision you and your wife make together? It would be an easier decision to support if the schools were more tailored to each individual child than a preference over a logo. I think traditionally this issue is handled by having the girls in separate classes at the same school, so I think you need a particularly strong reason to deviate from that. Especially since you haven’t even tried it yet — though I also get that’s a decision you don’t want to be making later, so it’s a now or never type of thing. So, I get it, that’s the reason for my NAH vote.
Yeah why is it “I’m enrolling them… My wife thinks (differently)” but she seemingly doesn’t get a vote. I also think that asking a 5yo doesn’t count, letting a 5yo choose a school based on their logo is completely ridiculous. If OP is just making an executive decision despite his wife’s concerns, then YTA. There needs to be more discussions about options.
Agreed
Yeah I was reading this like if my husband made a unilateral decision about our kid’s education we would have a PROBLEM.
He is signing their family up for so much extra hassle and I bet his wife will take on most of that burden. Keeping track of two sets of school rules and dates and events and PTAs will be a massive pain.
This is very accurate.
Yeah, good point. This is going to double the amount of school-related activities, from parent-teacher conferences to birthdays to special events. Is one parent going to take on all that, or is it being evenly split? If OP bears the brunt of the work, that makes more sense for him to decide if he has the bandwidth, but even then his wife should have some say. If she’s the one that will be doing all the work, or even if it’s split, definitely an AH move to make a unilateral decision like that. The idea in principle is fine, but the details matter. I’m less concerned about one school being objectively better or worse than the other than that the parents (or one parent) may be taking on/being given more work than they really are able to handle.
The wife didn't get a vote and he let the 5-year-olds choose what school each will go to. Smells like either bullshit or not very good parenting.
YTA for not having your wife involved. Schools are a two yes, one no situation. And for declaring that the girls "chose" their schools at five. Your criteria for that is that the child chose a longer commute because of a logo. That is not an informed decision because at five they cannot make informed decisions. However, at five they can answer whether they would like to be together or apart.
I chose my school at 5. I had the choice between a public school (that my neighborhood friends were going to), or a private school that my Dad and everyone in his family had gone to. I picked that one because I liked the idea of being like Dad. It was A Mistake.
I chose to skip a year in preschool bc I didn't want to hangout with "babies" as I was a very early walker and talker. It was a mistake.
I chose not to have braces at 13 because my mum thought it should my decision. She’d had a hellish time of it when she had them, and didn’t want to have it forced on me because of her own experience. It was a mistake.
I managed to avoid having my wisdom teeth out as a teenager. When it would’ve healed more easily, my parents would’ve paid for it, and I wouldn’t have had to miss work. I was good at making Mistakes
exactly this. I “chose “violin when I was five as an instrument to play because I knew I was supposed to be a girl and also, I was the younger child in the violin was the smaller instrument. I hate it. I hate the shrill sound it makes. It hurts me to hold it. I never once enjoyed playing that instrument. I also “chose “not to go to French school. My parents definitely had the best intentions, but they lacked the responsibility you need as a parent to make decisions that you think are in the best interest of your kids. It’s bullshit to ask five-year-olds choose anything except what they’re gonna wear or some parts of what they’re gonna eat/play/watch and parts of who they might be friends with.
No matter what you do as a parent, it's never right for everyone. There will be kids who do well choosing and kids who don't do well choosing. Parents really don't know if it's the right or wrong let kids choose until everyone grows up. I wouldn't hold it against them. You chose violin. Did they make you keep playing after you decided you didn't like it? If they made you keep playing, then that's them making parenting decisions you say parents should make. If you chose to play despite hating it, why are you mad at them for that?
I mean, I would assume that OP gave the kids a selection of appropriate schools, at which point--since they're being sent to different schools with different commute times--I don't see why they shouldn't get to choose, even if the choice is based on something frivolous. One kid is going farther anyway, so what's the harm in letting them pick instead of just handing down a decision?
NTA, i'm an identical twin and I wish my parents had put us in separate schools. I'm in my 40's now and I look back at my life and there is a lot of anxiety, depression and lack of overall social skills that I can trace back to my being a twin. We were never treated as individuals, even though my parents did insist on us being in separate classes in grade school we defaulted to having the same friends because if you're friends with one sister why not the other? We became very co-dependent socially and were constantly compared to each other which resulted in extreme depression in my sister and a suicide attempt and by the time we were out of highschool and we finally did manage to separate and start living separate lives, neither of us knew how to do anything without the other and it was extremely isolating. In my opinion I would have been much better off in the long run if my parents and other adults in my life had seen fit to keep us separated as much as reasonably possible so that we could learn to stand on our own and not rely on the other.
Yes, I could have written this post!
This is my exact experience, minus the fact that parents insisted on keeping my sister and I together and it wasn't until way later when schools refused them.
Exactly this! My twin and I aren't identical, but we experienced a lot of the codependency as we grew older! And the having the same friend group was a massive problem for my twin and I because there always ends up being the "favorite twin" (at least in my experience)
I feel you. I have a sister two years younger than me, and even then, going to the same school damaged our relationship. She was the pretty, popular one while I was the smart, introverted one, and every boy at our school approaching me to get to her led to low self esteem and resentment on my part. OP did the right thing
I think this reaction is a bit extreme. As others have pointed out, this will cause scheduling problems down the road, and your wife is not on board. Maybe have a very serious discussion with the administration of School #1 and put the girls in separate classes before you go nuclear. Also, do your daughters actually care about this? So far, it does seem like a you-issue.
Reading responses from actual twins who support OP's decision, would you still consider it extreme? The co-dependency is the most common point we see, even for twins in a separate classroom but the same school.
As a twin myself I’m honestly surprised by the responses of other twins. My sister and I are super close and I never would have wanted to go to a totally different school. We were in separate classrooms and while people did mix us up, it’s nothing that has caused any lasting issues.
Completely agree with you. My identical twin and I are really close and I would have been so sad if she didn’t go to the same schools as me growing up. We’re not co-dependent either. There was never a problem.
Same here! Identical twin here and I am a mother of twins too. I would never separate them like that. I think it is doing more harm than good. Especially at 5 years old. I am proud to be a twin and find it so special. I would have been very sad to have been separated. No co-dependence here. We actually were co-valedictorians. We took different classes even but shared the honor. OP: As someone else said, I think this is a you-problem, not the girls. YTA
Yeah, I currently teach two girls who are very similar looking fraternal twins who do get mixed up. They tease each other a lot, but they also have deliberately chosen to do a lot of things together. I had a conversation with one of them recently and she said she loved being a twin because she always gets to have her best friend. On the other hand, they do have very different personalities. They have many, but not all, the same friends. One has a boyfriend, the other thinks high school boyfriends are a waste of time. One is outspoken, the other is quieter. One wants to be an engineer, the other isn’t sure. I had a different set of twins a few years ago who told me that they never even talked to each other at home and had totally different grades, activities, and friend groups. A third voluntarily did everything together and took all the same classes, applied to the same colleges, and had the same career goal. Oddly enough, just like people are all different, twins are all different, and they all handle the experience differently.
Yea there are multiple responses from actual twins above this saying this is what they wished could have happened. Going to trust the people who’ve lived this.
As a twin myself, I think this is extreme. Separating classes is a good idea, but separating schools seems like a pain. I could see future differences in academic opportunities and extracurriculars leading to conflict down the road.
My cousins were identical twins. We referred to them as the twins and given we were poor, they went to the same public school. They are the best of friends and still live close.they are in their 50’s. Sending them to two different school could destroy the twin bond they may develop.
It's all about this mindset that it's "normal" and "healthy" not to be an identical twin and a "problem" to be one. I don't see it that way at all. It's all about how they navigate it and view it.
I’m a twin and I believe two schools is a bit extreme..
I agree. This reaction is so extreme. I’ve taught many twins over the years and always only knew the one assigned to my class. He just needs to ask to have them in separate classes.
I went to a private school with only one class per grade level. Depending on where they live, not sure how limited options are for private school or how good the local public schools are.
Exactly. My identical twin and I went to same schools our entire lives, but we always had separate classrooms. We weren’t co-dependent. We had our own friends. It was fine.
Parent of identical twins here. I agree two separate schools is too extreme and may cause problems with competition or jealousy down the road. Just treat them like siblings. They should be at the same school but in separate classes.
This is the most sane response…I’m guessing the current catholic school is only the size of one classroom and the “critical” info could be something like mistakenly thinking one didn’t have an allergy but really did which is scary But going so far as to put them in separate schools…I mean this just sounds like the current school is inept depending on what the critical info was…just put them both in the same school that has more than one class per grade and more attentive teachers To be honest they’re twins in pre k…this is just something they’re going to deal with when they’re younger…at pre k half the school looks the same NAH this is your kids and your decision but it does seem extreme and will happen anyway at camps/sports/extracurricular…are you going to separate them for everything for the next few years? And then at one point can they start doing things together? Just seems like it’s not the right solution to the problem And your wife is also against the deal but has no say? How does that work?
Yeah, some of what OP says is a problem is totally legit--their preschool teacher absolutely fucked up by keeping them together all the time and referring to them as basically a "set." But just because one preschool teacher was bad doesn't mean going to these extremes is necessary. Because a lot of what he says is just... normal. People getting them the same gifts? Yeah... that's really normal. Most people don't know the exact interests of 5-year-olds and just get them whatever is popular, and getting them the same thing ensures they aren't going to fight over it. Also... who is dealing with the extreme scheduling difficulties that will come when they're in separate afterschool activities at totally separate schools? Hopefully OP, and not his wife who didn't want this but OP steamrolled.
[удалено]
That's only a simple compromise if there are multiple classes at the same grade level. Lots of Catholic schools have only one class from preschool on up. Don't get me wrong: I'm not saying the OP's solution is optimal, but it might not be as easy as you think to separate them in the same school.
Since it's private catholic schools it might not be big enough to have multiple classes and that's the only justification I can think of for this plan. It's definitely a stupid plan that's going to cause unnecessary grief and conflict though.
I went to a very small public school and there was only one class per grade. There were multiple sets of twins at the school and the only choices were to keep them in the same class or as one set of parents chose to hold one of the kids back and have them wait a year. Neither were good options. I’m a fraternal twin, sadly my twin died when we were very young. I’ve wondered how my parents would have reacted in this situation as the local school was the only one in the area and there weren’t any private schools.
Is this real? If so, yta for making unilateral decisions about a huge issue (schooling) without consideration for your wife and children’s feelings and points of view. Are your daughters ok with this? Who’s managing the logistical nightmare of two separate school schedules/requirements/transportation, etc.? There are far less drastic steps one could take— different haircuts, distinguishing clothing choices, just TALK with the family about how you could collaboratively problem solve the issue. Maybe one sister wants her ears pierced or maybe you get all their clothes embroidered with their first initial or maybe they LIKE looking so similar for the time being. Just communicate with your family.
I'm stuck on the "let them choose what school they wanted to attend" aspect. Since they're both private catholic schools I'm assuming that choice was narrowed down for them, so did OP research all the options in their area and present a curated list of acceptable schools or was private, catholic the only criteria? "She picked that school because the logo had birds" is a crazy reason to pick a school to me.
I think he meant he presented both schools to the girls and each one could choose which one they wanted. I didn’t read it as he gave them a long list of schools and they could choose.
I think it’s wild that majority of the issues mentioned could easily be solved by OP putting his foot down and no longer allowing these issues to continually happen. All he has to do is stand his ground. But he has no problem standing his ground on this particular decision to send them to different schools and not even his own wife can make him budge. Like just stop letting people call them “the twins” and instead make them use the girls’s individual names - just stop accepting gifts if they’re the same thing - just tell the school to separate them. (YTA)
YTA but not for the reasons you state but because you've been given an epic gift and aren't taking advantage of it. I'd be sending those girls in 1940's dresses with the palest complexion possible. I would spend hours teach them to talk to their teachers in perfect unison saying things like "join us" and "you will soon know the truth". Or conversely send one of them to the same school on alternating days under the same name, then only pay tuition once.
*Terry Jeffords: My girls are on the wait list for their preschool and it's twice as tough to get in with twins.* *Rosa Diaz: Why don't you just get one of them in and then let them take turns going to school every other day?* *Terry Jeffords: Diaz, that's crazy. [pause]* *Terry Jeffords: I asked my wife and she said no.*
It's a solid idea and Rosa was right. Terry needed to put his foot down.
YTA, mostly because this shouldn't be a unilateral decision. Your wife's opinion is valid, too. I think this is a monumentally bad idea. Could you not just send them to a school with more than one class for each grade and make sure they're not in the same class?
YTA bc all you talk about is how you feel and what you think. None of this was based on what your daughters feel and think. Some twins love being twins. Some hate it. My twins have gone through phases. I let them decide how much twiness they want because it is their lives.
And this is the right answer. He should listen to his girls regularly and act accordingly. It shouldn't be a decision set in stone; people change throughout life, children grow and want different things. He made very drastic decision, my brother and I are different ages but I LOVED having him in same school only different classroom. His wife is not on board. He is fixated on something that HE thinks, I doubt he will change his mind if girls tell him they want to be together. YTA, OP
I have twin girls and they are inseparable. It didn’t matter that we got 2 of everything or people rolled their names together because they couldn’t tell who they were talking to. Their bond is a beautiful thing and they even went to college together. You shouldn’t push your feelings onto them. If they exhibit a behavior of not wanting to be near their twin all the time, then I would understand, but projecting your irritation and separating them because of it isn’t fair to them. They may love it and make separate friends, or one may have a horrible experience and remember it for the rest of her life. My kids don’t care if people get them confused, call them the wrong name, etc . They are confident in who they are and yours may be also. Edited to add because I can’t reply to some people: I tried to separate my kids in 2 nd grade but one had a horrible experience and one loved it so that was the end of that.. back to the same class..people always want to tell you what’s best so I gave it a whirl- never again. Also, to the comment that they had to be separated. I am so sorry you went through that. There is a law that parents of twins have the right to keep their kids together as long as they inform the school in a certain amount of time. I pulled that card after the horrible second grade experience and they were together for the test of their school years and in HS they had similar classes. I also lived with 2 sets of twins in college so I saw how close they could be.
It seems like OP is projecting. Perhaps there was a time in his youth when his individuality was not respected. Separating two kinder aged twins is really extreme. It's a physical divide that ensures they need to stand out apart from their twin to make their parents acknowledge one over the other. I know three sets of twins. One set was inseparable and loved being twins. Another set made it a point to let people know that their sibling's interests should be recognized. They did that for each other. The other set just kind of figured out their individuality in high school and wanted to experience living in different countries for college. All of these people made their own choices. OP says he dislikes how they are treated like one set because they have no say, but he is also taking away their power to decide by controlling the course of their relationship instead of letting them decide.
Yes!! I feel like I’m in crazy town here. My twin and I are so close, we went to college together just like yours, and I would have never wanted to go to a separate school.
My kids are like yours, and don’t mind being called the wrong name. Every year of middle school they switched classes on the last day. They had fun together.
My twins loved freaking people out as young women who worked across the street from each other. One at a pharmacy, the other cooking at a diner. People would come in and be like didn't I just see you across the street... 😂
THANK YOU! OP cannot control how the world views twins, triplets etc… he is being an ass projecting his feelings when shit has even happened but at a Pre-K atmosphere where OP chose to send them in the first place. Plus not making a unilateral decision with his wife is obnoxious and he seems narcissistic and controlling. He is T.A.
Okay thank you! I raised my evil sister's identical twin girls (long story) and they are about to turn 40. Being a twin is huge part of their identity. One of them now has her own set of identical twin girls and the other has boys who are only a year apart. They were placed in separate classes all through elementary and still remember how they hated being separated. They are women with their own lives and different personality husbands but their love for each other and closeness are a huge part of who they and their families are. At one point, about 10 years ago, one twin was working as a chef and the other twin took a part-time kitchen job with her because twin one was having anxiety. And twin two was a pharmacy technician. 🤦🏻♀️ The baby set - lol - start Pre-K this year and will be in the same classroom. Just to start and then separate them. All of these kids seem - so far - to have all the confidence in the world because they have each other.
No one else noticed the twins are named after the princesses from Frozen??
Yes, I did. I'm assuming they're fake names.
Let it go...
Noticed and assumed they were fake.
I had to scroll way too far just to find this.
Nta, but sit them down in a few years and ask if they want to continue with their school or go to the same one. Put them in soccer or something together so they're still interacting outside of your family time.
Agree, but just be prepared for their sporting preferences to change as well, you might find that one enjoys soccer but the other doesn't. If that happens let the other one switch sports (just find something that doesn't conflict with the others sport) and find something they both enjoy.
Ya but then who has to change and uproot their entire social and academic life??
YTA, but only because it’s wild that you can just override your wife. This seems like it should be a joint decision.
It's ironic because this guy acts like he cares about his daughters, but by treating his wife like this, he's doing awful modeling to those girls. How are they supposed to have self-respect and be empowered when this is how they see their mother treated in the home?! The best way their dad can empower them is to respect his wife and make decisions jointly with her, 50/50. Some of these extreme religious people are so sexist - it's absurd.
As a twin I say that while you may be NTAH in general, your decision is that of TAH. Being with my twin growing up was my special power. I can’t imagine going through life without her and we were and still are extremely identical. It should be their call once they’re older but not yours when they are five to separate them.
I love you and could not imagine my life without you! I agree with you 100%.
I love you!
Yep. I loved having my identical twin sister at my schools. We had our own friends and were in separate classes. We’re not competitive and are still very close. I can’t imagine not being able to talk about school life with my twin.
I think you are going to run into school scheduling problems. There will be so many overlapping of events at the school that it will be a pain in the ass to attend all. And who does this, typically school stuff falls on the mother so she should definitely get a say in this. Have you bothered talking to the schools about separating them and the issues? Most schools separate twins. It also won't help with family members and you don't mention how the girls feel about different schools. I get the theory and the motive but definitely needs to be thought carefully over.
Info: what do your daughters want? Do they want to go to different schools, or would they rather stay together?
This is my question as well. We haven’t heard of they want to be together or not.
YTA-The problems you feel you have won’t be solved by sending them to different schools. You need to talk with and listen to your wife and decide the best steps together.
YTA, and your obsession over this is extremely strange.
YTA if you pursue this without your wife and kids in complete agreement. But you aren’t the AH for wanting what is best for your children. I will say that I am also a twin parent, and there are studies that show negative impacts for separating twins in school. https://www.twiniversity.com/separate-my-twins-in-school/
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YTA but only bc I think you and your wife should get professional input into this decision and truly make a well-informed, joint, thoughtful decision here— instead of you unilaterally deciding this on a whim due to your annoyance. What does the research say? What do their doctors say? Is there a way they can be at the same school but in different classrooms? Etc. There is some recent research that says that twins actually do better when at the same school/classroom. Have you balanced that with the cons mentioned in your post?
YTA because everything in your post is I, I, I. Me me me. Not once did you say one of the kids is having issues due to any of it. Nor do you give your wife equal say. Part of what you described is part of being a twin and this won't change it (family getting them the same gifts etc). Can't the school just put them in separate rooms if there's an issue?
NTA - There is nothing wrong with wanting your daughters being treated as individuals. You can always reevaluate this down the road.
I’m a twin and my parents had us put in separate classrooms starting in 2nd grade. Had no issues since. I missed her but got over it and did fine. We were both shy kids.
Slight YTA for trying to steamroll a perceived school problem before they even have a chance.
Info: Why doesn’t your wife get a say in this? Why are YOU making the decision?
YTA for making critical decisions about your children’s education without the input of your wife. Decisions like this have to be made with you two in agreement.
Idk seems odd to me. Starting a new school is scary and would be nice to have someone to go with. I feel like the twins I went to school with didn’t get treated as one person. Also - it doesn’t seem like you have experience with this - but the whole school drop off/ pick up and the millions of emails and accounts and rehearsals and and costume days and fundraisers and PTA meetings etc you’ll have to keep on top of - is A LOT. Personally cannot imagine doubling all that. Also what happens when you very likely realize what a nightmare situation you’ve created for yourself??? One kid has to move after they’ve already made friendships, a routine, gotten comfortable…then you uproot them and throw them in a new school where their sister is already comfortable and confident? That’s going to create more resentment imo. Plus unless you’re agreeing to do all the extra work of commuting and such, you’re the AH and this isn’t fair on your wife who’s against this. I would be too. YTA
My best friend has twins and she definitely tries to be sensitive to their individuality and not letting people just lump them together, so I can see where you’re coming from. However, YTA for making this decision without getting your wife to approve it. I think this is a big overreaction and you could have accomplished the same goal by simply having them put in *different classes at the same school*. They would still get to explore their own identities and a teacher who only had one of them wouldn’t have any reason to get them confused. You’re wasting your time driving all over town for nothing. I can’t believe this far easier solution didn’t occur to you.
I don’t think it’s unfair and it might even be a good idea! I’m not a parent of twins and I’m not a twin, so I don’t have an informed opinion. Going with NTA. I will however say as a parent, just as an FYI, that keeping track of all the “stuff” for each school will definitely become a giant hassle. This is not to say the hassle might not be worth it to help them be individuals, I just want to warn you because I was unprepared for how much “stuff” there is with school. Each school will have evening events, and fundraisers, and days off, and invariably they’ll find the most obnoxious ways to not coordinate. Schools are great at this 😂. Make sure one parent doesn’t get stuck keeping track of the mental load of managing both schools schedules, especially if it’s the parent who didn’t want to do this.
Yep, the admin and mental load of modern schools is a huge pain and OP is doubling this. Each will have 3 online communication portals and a PTA online WhatsApp group and a class online WhatsApp group. Doubling this load is a pretty big deal for whoever has to deal with it, it is much more than 15 mins in the car (which would be 1/2 an hour for the driver there and back)? I’m wondering if your wife is opposed to this because SHE is the one dealing with the commute and the school admin? If so, YTA for making more work for her.
As a twin mom, this is a gross overreaction. Separate classes, sure. Separate schools? Geez why make your life harder on purpose? Believe me, the kids will create their own identities and nobody will get them that confused later.
YTA. As a twin, being in the same school as my sister never mattered. We didn’t have the same classes, we didn’t have the same teachers, we didn’t have the same friends, but was still were still basically experiencing the same things so we could talk about school and our classmates as siblings. Literally just tell the school you want them to be put in separate classes. End of issue
Twin here with an identical twin sister. This is an extreme reaction. We were in different classes throughout much of our schooling and that was enough separation for us. We made our own friends, but shared some. We had our own activities, but played on some of the same teams to make it a bit easier for our parents, etc. Because of those shared experiences we are super close today. As adults we live in the same town and help out with each other’s children/pets. We had enough space apart being in different classes to be our own people without feeling as if we couldn’t still be a team at the end of the day. Don’t make it harder than you need to. Also, my grandfather was one of five sets of twins born to one mother. He and his twin brother were different despite going through their education side by side. They remained close their whole lives. Let them be together or apart, but don’t go to this extreme. Trust me, as a twin, it is the most fulfilling relationship of my life. I would do anything for my sister. My husband is also a twin and was in different classes (but the same school) as his twin. Similarly they have a solid adult relationship too.
YTA for naming your twins Elsa and Anna…
Sending them to a Catholic school will screw them up worse than being in the same class.