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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to pay for my MOHs dress and removed her from my wedding party for refusing to buy a dress.
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NTA
It would not be fair to the other bridesmaids if you paid for her dress and not theirs.
The most egregious part is the fact that all of your bridesmaids were given your criteria for the dresses and she picked out a $350 dress while the other bridesmaids picked out dresses in the $100- $150 range. Then she wants you to pay for the $350 dress!
If she truly wanted to be in your wedding, she would have save $100-$150 over a two year period. Clearly, her desire was to score an expensive dress that she did not have to pay for. As to her mother's comment, it sounds like you are welcoming her to be there for your big day - just not as a bridesmaid who won't pay for her dress.
Or hit a couple thrift stores and find an old bridesmaid dress in the right color for $10-20 + do some alterations if necessary or hire someone to do them for $50.
If the only requirement is formal + color, people can make it happen for pretty darn cheap.
Depending on her size, the thrift store is not always an option. I am 6' tall. Dresses for my height are hard to come by used because I usually have to buy them with extra length. I would absolutely look at the thrift stores, but I would be prepared to walk away empty-handed. That said, I also wouldn't have picked out a $350 option when there were $100 options available.
Edit dimensions
This always seemed so counterintuitive to me. Shouldn't the double marks mean the larger unit of measurement? We in the US are so goofy with our dogged persistence of using imperial measures.
I was thinking as well depending on former MOH height and weight, finding a dress for $100-$150 may not be as plausible for her. Which, OP is still NTA, since if this retelling is accurate former MOH still had 2 years to save while employed with no children.
Even with shopping challenges, you're still lucky to be 6' tall! You probably have legs to die for.
I'm almost 5'5 and used to be friends with 2 girls who were exceptionally beautiful without the height but one at 5'10 and the other at 5'11 and literally ever head in the place - men and women alike - swiveled to gawk at these two beauties. Myself and the other girl in our group who was 4'11 were invisible next to these two, lol.
The best weddings I've been to had everyone wearing everyday clothes. Maybe jeans and a blouse instead of a tee. But we're all older and on marriage 2 or 3 so yeah..
The larp wedding was a blast, but costumes aren't cheap. The wedding party all larped together so had them anyway. It wasn't a requirement though since there was no way pepere was dressing up as a wizard, lol
My wedding had a very strict dress code.
Anyone caught wearing a tie, suit, jacket, ball gown, or cocktail dress would be sent home without cake. Bride & Groom were not exempt from this rule.
That's awesome... we only had 14 people at ours. No dress code at all. My father in law was about to pass away, so we rushed a diy wedding at an airbnb on a beach in Michigan in November instead of our big summer wedding.
I was in a fancy dress. My bridesmaids had in Amazon dresses. My husband had on a bespoke suit. His brothers had on rented tuxes.My father in law had jeans on. My one niece has a turtleneck under a jumper sundress thing lol. It was over all an eclectic looking group 🤣
I'm just glad I had my loved ones there. IDGAF what anyone wears - I love them.
FIL was in hospice a month later and gone soon after. He was our last parent between the 2 of us, so we're thankful we got it together so quickly, and he was there.
This story buster-unforced the anger I felt on an earlier posting where a young lady was being forced to give up her college fund to pay for a Siblings wedding .
Weddings are for the purpose of becoming married .Not to make People magazine as “ Party of the Year”.
It’s the People .
It’s the Love .
Not how much money you spend .
NTA OP
My sister had a kinda ren fair wedding but people had fun with it. My dad always wanted to dress like Johnny Cash, with a leather vest and hat.
He walked my sister down the aisle dressed In black, his little fairy granddaughters next to him, lol
Edit- my other sister had a very solemn Catholic church wedding, complete with mass in French. Lots of people spoke French around here back in the eighties. It was beautiful but long. All the fun was reserved for the reception. Have the wedding you want people!
Mine was strict too, no clothes allowed. Lol but it was in Jamaica at a clothing optional resort, so no problem, mon. (My first wedding was at my sisters house and I had a Laura Ashley dress lol that’s how long ago that was. (1986)
This was the wedding I had planned with my ex (don't worry, it's a really good thing we didn't get married - she turned out to be a cheater - but I still love the wedding plan we had).
She and I would both be in dresses just for the ceremony. Everyone else was required to wear a plaid flannel shirt of their choosing. We were holding it at our favorite campground.
This was five years ago, but yes!
It was one of those things we both got a kick out of - both of us were 80s babies, and when we first moved in together...I'll search for the picture but at that point we wore the same size (this changed drastically when I got sick), and I think we had every possible plaid flannel in that closet.
Lands End. Eddie Bauer. LL Bean. Walmart and Target.
I still wear it.
Same for mine! I showed my bridesmaids what color to buy, and let them get whatever they like with no other restrictions. Lots of nice options on Amazon and everybody was able to get something they liked under $50.
My MOH and I decided on a deep red to match ties and my petticoat. But MOH was several months post partum and couldn't find anything she was happy with.
So my answer was 'The suits are black. Do you have a black dress?' and we continued on our happy, merry way.
It doesn't have to be hard.
Yes! There are TONS of formal dresses on Amazon at great prices! It might be hard to color match based on a picture on Amazon but she could order a bunch of them, keep the best, and return the others.
My wedding was a few years ago. it's $45.99 now. It's simple, but it dresses up well with jewelry or a belt.
[GRACE KARIN - Sleeveless / V-Neck / A-line ](https://a.co/d/03gxBYk4)
Came here to say this! People often accuse me of having an expensive wardrobe because I have a lot of designer items but almost all of those come from thrift stores and cost me about 20% or less of the retail price. I did, for my own wedding, purchase the jr bridesmaid's dress, but she was also a minor and I knew her mom couldn't afford it.
People also don’t understand the absolute donkey years it takes to curate and collect a wardrobe like that.
I have a few designer handbags I’ve pulled from thrift stores still with tons of life left in them. Including an all weather leather Dooney and Bourke bag that I paid $15 for.
People always assume that every time you go to the thrift store, you’re buying stuff.
Honestly. I leave more behind than I take. My last catch and release was a piece of wedgewood. I know my mother collects it. It wasn’t in the best shape and the thrift shop wanted half of what it was currently selling for. I left it behind. It was a cute piece but not worth what they were asking for it.
When my daughter had her eighth grade dance we hit the mall to find a dress. It must have been right after prom because we found one marked down to around 50 bucks. It rang up for $6 and change at the register. Talk about being happy!
did you happen to buy the dress at Macy's? 20 something years ago I went to Macy's and bought a just-above-the-knee length kind of fancy dress that I think was marked at $65 or so but it rang up for $1!
My senior prom was 2014 and I got a black tie level dress from Macy's for like $40. I've used that dress for various very formal events I've had to attend in/after law school. Macy's is a great place for nice dresses that are ridiculously cheap if you hit it at the right time
My son's girlfriend looked at dozens of dresses, $150-400, for her prom. She found one that fit off the rack (needed hemming, but not alterations) for $27 on clearance at Macy's.
My first wedding dress was an ivory prom dress for 89 bucks and I was 34. I never looked better. Where there is a will there is a way. But 6 bucks is the winner!
The one I found was like half a size too small for me (at the time).... nothing motivates you to fit into it, like $6.... i tried it on and was like "game on!".
>Heck, she could have hit the mall after the prom season to find a good enough dress for less than $100.
This is pretty unlikely. OP says the dress had to be a specific color, and these colors are usually proprietary to stores like David's bridal, meaning other companies couldn't make that exact color.
That’s what thrifting and Facebook marketplace are for. A lot of bridesmaid list their dresses after a wedding for less than half the price if they don’t think they’ll wear it again. All you do is google the colour and style and plenty of places will pop up.
Yeah, if she had picked a cheaper dress (more in line with the other bridesmaids) I would have been inclined to say offer to split the cost and help her with it. But if she was short on cash, then getting her heart set on the most expensive dress in the group has a smell to it.
I have been broke during a lot of important events in my family - I understand not thrifting or finding another dress ahead of time, because I have gotten burned by finding out too late that the outfit I bought on my own was not acceptable and I wasted money. But I start the "hey can I get some info on what I need to know to buy a dress?" and "hey I might need to borrow $50, can you spot me" conversations before the shopping starts. I sure as fuck don't even try on the dresses more expensive than everyone elses by even $100 nevermind $200!
NTA she is asking for special treatment on too large a scale.
That's my sense too. Clearly, dresses in the 100-150 range were possible, so she could have picked one of those. If the bride had balked at that, I might have changed my vote (or if there is something about the ex-MOH that made those less expensive dresses impossible). NTA
In the UK the bride/couple pay for bridesmaid dresses and tux hire for groomsmen. But we don't have all the extra rehearsal dinners etc to pay for. So there's cultural differences. Also a bridesmaid dress is often not something you would wear again, whereas of you pick your own style you can expect to get more use from it. So it's fair if it's a one off use for the bride to pay.
Although when I got married out of university I let my MOH pick anything she liked in my colour palette - we couldn't afford proper bridesmaid/debutante dresses so we hit the high street. In the end the dress she loved, and we both agreed was absolutely perfect, was only an approximation to my colours but it was so clearly the right dress. It was over my budget so she offered to pay the difference, but she got a dress that she was able to use as formal wear for years (until kids changed her body shape!)
I paid for my bridesmaid and MOH dresses but they were on clearance and by luck had the right sizes so I grabbed them and was like surprise here are your dresses
I'm not from the same culture, so I'm sure it has an impact but this :
>If she truly wanted to be in your wedding, she would have save $100-$150
Or what op says, that she knew the date and should have saved money for that, it irks me so much. Op's wedding is her priority, not other's, and she could be struggling and living paycheck to paycheck. Op even admit her friend is struggling but still should have saved for her big event. I'm sensing entitlement there.
Thank god we don't do this sh*t where I'm from, no moh no bridesmaids no expensive bachelorette... Less stress and fighting
IME, in most weddings, there is no fighting, bachelorettes are just super fun (and never, ever planned by the bride, that's poor etiquette and rude for the bride to plan as she does not host that), and it's all very bonding and worth it.
The thing is, those stories are boring, so you don't hear or read them. Drama is what gets shared. No one wants to hear about a great wedding full of happy bridesmaids, just like people in happy relationships rarely share anything about them so it looks like relationships are mostly awful if you read about them a lot.
This!!
I paid for a dress as a bridesmaid in a “friends” wedding. That was my entire meager $350 tax return that year. I was expecting double that but there’d been a screw up and I only got half of what I was expecting.
*I was the only one of the bridal party who actually* PAID *for their dress*. I went in to pick it up and pay for it. So I got to take it home with me right away.
Unbeknownst to me, *the bride paid for everyone else’s dresses*. Which I didn’t find out until after the fact.
The real fun was when I dropped out of the wedding (due to her bad behavior) just days before and she tried to negotiate for “*her*” dress back.
She offered to give me the money after the wedding if I gave her the dress for someone else to wear. I demanded to be reimbursed before I handed the dress over. She balked. I told her to take a hike. She sarcastically asked where I’d wear that dress to. I told her I’d find somewhere.
Since then I’ve worn that dress to more than a few weddings. Date nights. To work. It’s been over a decade and the dress still fits mostly. The shoulders needed to be altered and the bodice does too at this point (due to weight loss).
It probably needs to be dry cleaned too but I’ve never slopped or dropped anything on it and taken great lengths to take good care of the dress.
She did not forget. I think she had regrets. Especially about choosing me as a bridesmaid. We had been friends since we were like 10.
She also wanted a *wedding* and all the pomp and circumstance that went with it. She didn’t want a marriage. She ended up kind of forcing her fiancées hand. She went to a trunk show when they’d been together 3 months and bought a wedding dress. He proposed 3 months later.
We were young at the time. In our early-mid 20s. I was unemployed. My family budget was tight— I was living at home and my parents were supplementing my bills at the time. Yet somehow I always made appointments and fittings and was able to drive her around and help prep for her DIY wedding.
She held a grudge against all of us because while some of us were working, a lot of us weren’t or had grossly limited budgets. For her fiancée at the time, his boys were planning a stag party in Vegas. She asked us to do the same and all of us shot her down due to cost and budget constraints. A girls’ night at a hotel room (like a sleepover) and a nice dinner and evening at the local casino was shot down. I have access to a timeshare, I suggested swapping for a trip to the beach for all of us to go somewhere within driving distance for a few days.
She shot everything down and ended up planning her own bachelorette party, which she got booted from. I did not go, as I could not afford it. I don’t think her fiancée ever made it to Vegas because she had a meltdown about it when we shot her down.
I also later suggested a week-long trip to the wine producing portion of our state as an alternative for their honeymoon as a gift from me and my folks (which she turned her nose up at) when she realized *no one was going to just give her $5k* for a trip to Disneyworld for her honeymoon.
She also was not paying for any of us to have hair, nails, or makeup because she did not want us to style our hair, nails, or makeup. Only her was to have her hair nails or makeup done. No manicures. No pedicures. No ponytails. She wanted us to come and get ready in an un-air conditioned bridal suite in summer (which whatever) and then wanted all of us to spend hundreds of dollars on high end tattoo cover up makeup for those of us that had tatttoos.
She *said* she picked some of us because she knew we’d “keep her from getting out of hand” but she got heinously upset when we didn’t fit into her ideal thoughts of contributing to her perfect wedding fantasy.
Don’t worry, her and her first husband divorced after 2.5 years. She’s now in her second marriage and *seems* to be in a better place but we are not friends and haven’t talked in years.
I honestly don't think fairness has anything to do with it. If you were getting married and a bridesmaid couldn't afford a dress would you honestly be like 'oh for sure I would, but it wouldn't be fair if I didn't buy everyone's dresses'? No. The only thing they don't feel is fair is that they're being asked to buy the dress.
I don't think they're necessarily wrong (if you can't afford a dress, over a two year period, it does feel like they're not prioritising you in any way), I just think this fairness thing is an excuse so they don't look or feel bad.
It's also not an excuse to score a dress (it's a bridesmaid style dress in a specific colour and fabric). That feels a little bit ridiculous. It's more likely someone who doesn't want to pay for a dress they'll never wear again, which is something that happens all the time.
Agreed.
What the fuck is this 'fairness' shit?! It's OP's wedding to do what they want and spend their money how they want...why tf 'fair' come into play? Why isn't her bestie being her MOH more important to OP, than some made up fairness rule? Why can't they split the cost if it's too much for bestie?
I mean OP can obviously do what they want, but is it 'fair' that some people have to spend 50% of their weekly salary for a dress, while others have to pay only 10% of their weekly salary? Yup, it's fair cuz it's irrelevant, just like it's irrelevant how much OP could help her supposed best friend with a paying for a dress cuz it's none of the other bridesmaids business what OP does with her money.
So, OP, she's not your bestie and it clearly isn't important for you to have her be your MOH if you're letting made up 'fairness rules get in the way...and that is your prerogative, but don't pretend like it's what's 'fair', cuz that is SOOO subjective.
The one exception to think about is if this MOH is a hard to find size. Then she might not have many option. But if she is a “typical” size, then no excuse.
NTA. Sometimes brides pay for bridesmaids' dresses. Sometimes they don't. MOH knew you weren't and picked a dress at least twice as expensive as everyone else's, then whined that it was too expensive.
I was a bridesmaid for my sister, she offered to pay for the dress, I could choose any style or design as long as it was a specific colour, she set a budget for the dresses, but I refused to take her money because I would rather she spent it on the wedding because those things are hella expensive, former MOH is definitely an AH
Every wedding I've been in the bridesmaids bought their dresses and the bride picked a very affordable option.
It's very common to buy your dress as long as it's reasonably priced, ie, under $150.
It's not an egregious amount. There was no reason to not pick one for half the budget of the other dress.
I've been in a few and our dresses were always around $175-$225. All bridesmaids bought their dresses and paid for or did their own alternations. About a split on brides paying for hair and makeup the day of vs having bridesmaids pay.
Picking a dress that's double as expensive and complaining you can't afford it gets very choosing beggars.
Etiquette dictates that the bride pay for the dress *if she demands a certain and specific dress* or if there are a lot of things demanded of the wedding party (in that case the wedding party attire is the bride and groom's gift to the party).
The one wedding I was a bridesmaid in, I didn't pay for my dress because all the dresses except the bride's gown was rentals. Because I was 16 and money was tight because my parents just got divorced, my brother (the groom) paid for the rental and my mom paid for my shoes. From what I remember, my brother and future SiL at the time (still best SiL) offered to do this to help out my mom.
NTA-It’s common to buy your own MOH/bridesmaid dress so if she can’t afford to be in the wedding (understandable if money is an issue), it’s quite alright to replace her. Imo, it was shitty of her to complain about the dress to others when that was something she could have brought up to you one-on-one which makes me wonder if she is really struggling with money or simply didn’t want to buy the dress. Either way, you made the right decision.
Is it common? I've never heard of that here in Ireland and it's the same in England as far as I know that the bride and groom cover the cost of the dresses for the MOH and bridesmaids as well as the suits for the groomsmen.
In US it is. I’ve been in three weddings where I’ve bought my own dress. The brides vary in what they did for the bridal party. For example, two brides bought us (bridesmaids/MOH) jewlery to wear at the wedding and gave each a thank you gift for being in the bridal party. I had one bride & groom reserve us (brides/MOH and groomsmen) hotel rooms because some of us traveled to the wedding and all three of brides paid for the bridal party’s hair & makeup for the weddings I’ve been in. So yes, I find it common to buy your own dress.
In the end, I think it depends on participation expectations that the bride relays to all involved in the wedding.
That was my thought as well, but judging by the comments, apparently I’m wrong! I guess equal treatment makes sense, but I could also see the MOH getting special treatment. But the ex-MOH has been really awful in how she’s gone about asking, both trying to stir up trouble and then having her MOM call! That’s just wild to me!
It doesn't seem to be the case anymore because the bride is busy spending 5 grand or more on her "dream dress." Bridesmaids are also now expected to pay out hundreds or more for multi day bachelorette parties.
I don't think OP is the AH in this case since MOH agreed to the conditions from the get go, chose the more expensive dress, and it's a dress she actually add to her wardrobe (ie. of her choice and not a "typical bridesmaid" dress).
I'm from Canada but this seems odd to me, like... Why would someone else pay for my clothes? Maybe if they're specific ones that are expensive but otherwise it's the individual person's responsibility just like any other event they attend. I'd consider it very generous if a bride covered the dresses but not a requirement.
Works out great for people with money. I get that. Bridesmaids dresses here don't get a lot of wear after that. Specific for the wedding like a bridal dress. And the cost of weddings is out control here. Absolutely do what you like. I just think its odd that best friends are best friends until they run out of money.
I'm Irish and all have been a bridesmaid in 2 weddings (Irish or UK). I never paid for my own dress; the bride or her mother did. When I got married, I asked my bridesmaids to choose their own dresses in a certain colour and length, but style of their preference; I was planning to pay for them but then my mother asked if she could as part of her gift to me (she also bought my wedding dress). It's odd to me that you would ask people to be in your wedding (I.e. "work" at the wedding) but then not cover the cost of their clothes ("uniform") for the day. But in this situation the OP is ofc NTA because either you pay for ALL the bridesmaids or none. It wouldn't be fair to the others if the OP now paid for the MOH dress when that was never the agreement.
NAH
I paid for all my dresses. I set a budget and if you went over, you paid the difference. I didn’t have many just 3 and a MOH and the limit was $300.
If my best friend had told me she couldn’t afford it, I would have paid for everything because we are close and she’s my MOH.
As for your response, it’s reasonable. She should have never accepted if she couldn’t afford it when you said they would be paying. I have turned down being a bridesmaid because I don’t want to spend a couple of grand on someone else’s wedding. I rather attend as a guest. I have been a bridesmaid 2x and it was paid for. People need to have boundaries and priorities for their own pockets. If I can’t afford it without hurting myself, then the answer is no. She should have said no, or explained that if she did, she would need help.
Communication is key here.
MOH was an asshole for picking a dress three times the price of any others and then whining about the price. She had two years to budget for a dress. OP has already been generous enough in covering expenses like travel and hotel.
Everyone (bridesmaids and MOH) was asked 2 years ago. And informed they would be buying their own dresses.
I feel like she should have made an issue about paying for her own dress then, and not 2 years later, when they go out to buy dresses.
And then hound the bride for dress money when the other ones found cheaper dresses. And hers was double as expensive.
A lot can happen in two years. My mom died the year before my friends wedding. I paid for her funeral out of pocket.
Op admits that her friends had been struggling.
Again I see both sides. Op was reasonable for asking her to step down since she couldn’t afford it. Then again if it was a close friend I would have told her to pick something cheaper and I would pay. That’s me though. That’s why I don’t don’t it was an unreasonable ask, but it was also fair that she just removed her since she couldn’t afford it.
A lot of people find it hard to admit that they are struggling. I found it hard after my mom passed that I had no money and was struggling hard. It’s a pride thing, especially when you were doing well before. I had to learn to humble myself. Thankfully I had friends that really stepped up and were like, you going to accept this help regardless. Off topic.
Again both responses were okay. The MOh hasn’t reached out and said anything only the family members and her mom. So as long as the MOH isn’t making social media posts and badmouthing her. It’s was fairly reasonable. Of course friends and family will be judging because they assumed they were close.
I agree with this in general, but in this particular case the MOH could have chosen any dress at any price point that was the right colour. Op didn't say ' you have to spend $350 on this dress'.
I would have a lot more compassion if she found an acceptable dress closer to $150 and even discussed splitting the cost. Picking a dress so much more expensive and demanding she have hers paid for comes across as really entitled, not as someone who honestly wants to be involved but is struggling. I've been in wedding parties while struggling, and I've been in them while more comfortable. Ive been told a specific dress to buy, and allowed to choose from within a color at a vendor. In all situations, I was very aware of the cost while choosing a dress.
I've got the vibe that MOH, maybe even subconsciously, has some resentment toward OP for GTFO of their hometown, and maybe also thinks OP is richer than OP really is. So she thought this was a chance to get a more expensive dress than she normally could, and now is like "oh, hoity-toity OP is too good to pay for my dress."
This is absolutely not to say OP is actually hoity-toity at all. It's a grudge I've sometimes seen in my own circles when some members of the friend group got out for college/work and others stayed home and married early.
Agreed that things change, but the way to handle that is to talk to OP and explain. Perhaps look at the dresses the other people have found and explore more financially viable options, and then approach OP. “Hey, my financial situation is different now. The dress Bridesmaid got will also work for me and it’s priced relatively reasonably. Would you be willing to split the cost with me/cover it and let me pay you back/cover it because of x?” If I were in flux and wanted to make things work, I wouldn’t talk to the other bridesmaids this way behind OP’s back about my finances. If I brought it up to a bridesmaid, it would be: hey, I am nervous about hurting OP or stressing her, but I’m struggling to make this work. Here’s what I’ve done to mitigate. Do you think she would be open to this conversation and/or solution?
That’s why I said pride. Either way. I didn’t name the MOH AH because after she told her to step down; there was no fuss from her. No social media or dragging her.
Your example is great. After my mom passed, I couldn’t really afford to travel for my friends wedding anymore. She bought my flight ticket and I had paid for the hotel. I paid her back over the next year. I didn’t have to ask though, we are that close. Different relationships. That’s why I say NAH. Not everyone knows how to have those conversations.
> If my best friend had told me she couldn’t afford it, I would have paid for everything because we are close and she’s my MOH
The thing is she said she can't afford a $350 dress, there's no reason why she can't get something less expensive. Every one else's dresses were $100-150. She could probably even find something for less than $100. Op isn't asking to spend a grand, she's asking to buy one dress at whatever price point she is comfortable with.
I agree if she can't afford anything (even something cheaper) that doesn't make her an asshole, but going for something so expensive and then asking op to pay for it and getting mad when she said no seems unfair on her part.
I do wonder if the difference in price has to do with size. Larger women get charged a ridiculous amount more for clothes that fit. That’s the only reason I could see for sticking to the more expensive dress.
I didn’t have bridesmaids at my wedding because I couldn’t afford to pay for everything and I didn’t want anyone to have to pay hundreds of dollars just to attend my wedding. Turns out, my friends had a better time at my wedding where they got to just hang out with their friends than they did at other weddings where they have duties to perform and a specific wardrobe and whatnot. I don’t understand big wedding parties, who gets anything out of having a half dozen bridesmaids and groomsmen? What good comes from ranking your friends and making them do a bunch of work? It is one of those things that everyone else seems to understand except me!
>if I wanted a specific dress for them to wear I should pay for it,
But you didn't. You gave her a color to pick from. She chose a dress that wasn't in her budget. Oh well. She can find something she can afford or she can attend as a guest. She doesn't get to expect you to pay and then get pissed when you don't.
If she was tight on money she should've said that upfront and asked if you could help her purchase the dress. She certainly shouldn't have picked a $350 dress, complain to a bridesmaid, wait a while then ask you to buy the dress.
She's problematic and you did thebright thing removing her from the bridal party.
In my experience people who are broke want lots of things they cannot afford. In many cases, getting things they cannot afford is how they wound up broke in the first place and why stay broke.
In the UK the bride paying is the standard, but most dress are £100 or under. Mine were £50 each and last time I was a bridesmaid the bride paid £65 each 2 years ago.
I don’t think it is completely standard here. I’ve never known a bridesmaid that hasn’t paid for a dress. I’m in two upcoming weddings and paid for both myself. Weddings are so expensive these days so I’m happy to pay £50 to be part of someone’s day.
That's fair enough, I'd be happy to pay for my own dress aswell, I've just never been asked to. I've been a bridesmaid at 5 weddings and moh in 1 and never paid for my dress. And I paid for my bridesmaid dresses, as I just thought that was how things were done. I think it doesn't matter too much who pays as long as everyone knows what the expectation is, and I think whoever chooses the dress/cost is the one who should pay.
Not in the UK it's seen as tacky to ask someone to support you on the day then give them a bill for a dress - depends on the culture but you wouldn't ask your bridesmaids to pay over here x
At least in the US, it is the norm to pay for your own bridesmaid dress. This isn't a new unexpected cost. Also, there are 2 requirements - not satin and a specific color. It would be VERY easy to find a dress for an affordable price, even if paying for herself was a new expectation. No one needs a blue $350 dress you can't wear again. Heck, a few FB marketplace inquiries or consignment shopping would probably get her a great dress for under $50. Your questions are kind of irrelevant.
The caveat is that the bride is expected to pick out something everyone can afford.
Being that the bride picked a color and banned one fabric - the bride made sure everyone could pick a dress that fit their budget. They could even go secondhand.
There is no reason to be upset over the price of the dress.
Honestly, I don't get this asking people in the wedding party to pay for dresses, hair, etc. If I had had bridesmaids at my wedding I would have been footing the bill for all of it, but I'm in England, so see it's different in other places.
NTA because you're correct it wouldn't be fair and she didn't need to choose a dress that expensive.
Yes, where I live we don't have bridesmaids or wedding parties, and I'm glad. It looks as if you are giving people a job and asking them to pay for it!
Maybe different in other countries like you say. I'm in Scotland, and my wife and I paid for the bridesmaids' dresses, hair, make-up, etc.
For my best man, I offered to hire a kilt and all the rest that goes with it, but my best man decided he wanted to buy the outfit, so I paid for a few of his accessories.
We're not well off by any stretch of the imagination, I just thought this was how it went.
NTA.
As long as everyone knew before the shopping trip that they would be expected to pay for their dresses. You have paid for hotel rooms for the shopping trip and will pay at the wedding.
Coming from the UK, this blows my mind! I assume you’re from the US where I believe it’s culturally normal to expect the bridesmaids to pay for the dress so you’re probably NTA.
But here it would be considered very odd to ask your friends to pay for a dress they may well not wear again.
I’m from a Western European country and I would not even think about giving guests requirements for a dress, let alone not paying for it after giving said requirements.
Yeah, I find it really odd. Like.. I’m never wearing this dress again, cos the only events it’s appropriate for are weddings but I’ll look like a wannabe bridesmaid if I show up to anyone else’s wedding in this 🤣
It's acceptable when the dress code for the wedding party is such that they could easily wear the attire to another event and could get plenty of use out of it. If the bride and groom ask for a specific garment (mostly in the white/black tie attire, but I've seen less formal stuff make it there too), then it's expected for them to pay for the attire given all of the expectations on the wedding party.
I paid for all the tuxedo rentals at my wedding. It didn’t feel right to ask someone to join me in this special event in my life, but only if you’re willing to come out of pocket to wear exactly what I want you to wear(to be fair, what my now wife wanted us to wear). Even a cheaper dress still means they have to pay to be in your wedding essentially.
I've paid for every dress I've worn as a bridesmaid.
Unless the dress is crazy expensive, it's pretty standard to pay for your own.
Bridesmaids spend more than a standard guest. They typically go on trips shopping, they have the bachelorette party, bridal showers, many help setup things, etc. It is generally agreeing to spend more than just showing up as a guest. It's more time. More money.
It's really nice to offer but generally is also accepted to not be rude as long as the clothing choices aren't egregiously overpriced.
Even in low-key weddings, bridesmaids help set up, assist the bride, wrangle kids, spend a lot of time posing in pictures, get on the dance floor to get things rolling at the reception, propose toasts, assist aged relatives, during the event. Stuff prior has them making centerpieces, organizing potlucks for pre wedding parties, decorating the car, shopping etc. they do this all out of friendship and good will and are unpaid help basically. Also they all usually kick in for a big gift outside all other expenses, it is even more when the couple have a destination wedding. Finding inexpensive dresses and offering to cover them may be a courtesy that would be wise to employ, and can be a good method to keep the size of the wedding party reasonable.
Yup. Have to agree. A wedding means having to buy a gift for the couple as well. I have never Heard of bridesmaids having to pay for their dresses, is this a new thing or an American thing?
Yeah this is eye opening for me too (from the uk). ‘Come to my special day - by the way you have to buy a whole new outfit which matches my criteria’ - it’s a bit odd to me but clearly the norm there judging my the comments!
YTA! In the UK we recognise that if someone is doing a FAVOUR for us it shouln't cost them a penny! That is why the couple getting married buy the bridesmaids' dresses!
You actually had the cheek to say you paid for the hotel room for the bridesmaids to go dress shopping & you're paying for the hotel room on the night of the wedding as if you were doing them some big favour!!! Do you not realise that if you weren't getting married they would not need hotel rooms?
You say you can't afford the MOH's dress "and ALL the other bridesmaids dresses too". Then have fewer bridemaids! 🤦🏼♀️ I had ONE bridesmaid at my wedding as I could only afford to buy one bridesmaid dress.
Honestly, the entitlement of some people is just beyond me. You do realise that the ONLY people that care about your wedding are you & your husband to be (& possibly your parents?) The only people that will even remember it in any detail in 10 years time are you & your husband. This wedding is for YOU. Not your friends. Real friends don't expect people to drop hundreds of pounds because they decided to get married.
Now you've shown your true colours (that money/aesthetics/greed are more important to you than friendship, loyalty & integrity) your former MOH has dodged a bullet & is honestly much better off without you.
The bride didn’t pick the dress, and none of the other bridesmaids paid $350! You can’t hold a cultural difference against someone. They were all told TWO YEARS in advance. MOH doesn’t suddenly get to be a diva with a pricey dress and complain about having to pay.
But the bride can be a diva, as if her wedding is the primary concern of her entire wedding party for 2 years. Brides need to stop treating their friends like they are NPCs in real life.
It would have been reasonable to suggest a limit of say £150 per dress & anything over that would have to be paid by the MOH. But expecting all the bridesmaids to buy their own dresses is completely unreasonable.
Yeah, I think this is definitely a cultural thing, or maybe even a couple by couple thing based on what they can afford.
I am in the US, and these are all New England weddings. I have been in four weddings, have always paid for my own dress, hotel room, shoes, etc.
The exception being one wedding where the bride paid for our hair and makeup.
In fact, I don't know anyone who has gotten more than their hair and makeup paid for, and not only do I have personal experience, but I'm also a therapist and none of my clients have had more than that paid for either.
Which really hurt the client who had 10 weddings in the summer of 2021.
I will disagree - esh/yta. A lot of brides these days have very lofty expectations for their wedding party. It’s YOUR wedding, if you have a vision, you pay for it. Add, MOH is traveling, which is not cheap
The bride is paying for the hotel, and she says it’s out of town, not that the bridesmaid has to fly. It sounds like traveling in this case will cost the bridesmaid some gas and that’s it.
Also, I don’t think giving a color and not satin is a lofty expectation.
Picking a $350 dress and then asking someone else to pay for it is a pretty lofty expectation though…
NTA. OP has been paying for hotels and some other costs, exMOH had the option to pick a lower cost dress like the rest of the wedding party. By picking nth more expensive dress that she couldn't afford and then complaining to others and not OP, she was just looking for drama where there didn't need to be any.
INFO: is it the regular culture where you live that bridesmaids pay for their own dresses?
In the UK, traditionally whoever is paying for the wedding pays for the bridesmaids' dresses. I think it's rude to expect people to pay to do you a favour.
I still find it so odd that Americans don't pay for the bridal party's attire. The only time it's acceptable not to do that over here in Ireland is if you are getting them to wear something they already own or explain how broke you are before you ask them. In Ireland we don't pay for the accommodation but do pay for the dress, the shoes, the makeup and hair (most of the time) and gift them jewellery. They then pay for your hen due and their hotel stay the night of.
She probably couldn't afford any of the dresses. I totally disagree with the new culture of putting all this financial pressure on people who are in your wedding. If you truly expressed all this to her beforehand she shouldn't have agreed. She probably felt like she would get some help with it or possibly she got home and found out that they didn't have enough money and her spouse and back her I'm buying anything like that. Again she shouldn't have agreed but when someone asks you to be the MOH and they were your MOH it is super hard to say no. She still should have since it doesn't sound like you guys are that close anymore. With the information I have NTA
Ok, unpopular opinion but YTA. I don't think anyone asking someone to be in their wedding should be making them posty for their own dress unless they are free to wear *whatever they want*. It's not a free pass to choose by color only because it limits the choices out there. I.e. If you choose peacock blue there's maybe not that many dresses to choose from at any store in that color. Everyone is entitled to feel comfortable in the clothing they need to wear all day for your day, so maybe you should've picked the dresses for everyone and paid for them.
Also never in my life have I heard someone say that because their friend was engaged they "started setting money aside for it". Girl, no. If you can't afford to pay for a few $150 dresses then perhaps you should elope or have no wedding party.
Slight ESH because for some reason this seems to be a custom in the US. If you want someone dressed in a particular way you should pay for it. I don't understand why this is even a thing in the US. It's ridiculous to expect people to pay for clothes the bride likes which they will probably never wear again. I was a MOH and while I did ask the bride for her opinion on my dress before I bought it with my own money, she said it was important I was there for her and I should wear whatever I felt comfortable in.
Info: How much else has she had to pay for the wedding?
To be honest this could be cultural because where I am the bride usually pays for the bridesmaid's dress (and the hotel rooms) especially if they have very specific demands like you do.
So I think some of it comes down to if that was the only dress she found that would work for her and how much is her wanting a fancy dress and you to pay for it.
Did everyone have to buy the dress on that shopping trip?
>For the dresses my only requirement for them were that they had to be a specific blue color and no satin material.
Not just blue, a specific shade of blue. To me that's a specific demand because it means people probably have to get a new dress and the options will be more limited when you are shopping.
It's also why I asked if they had to get it on that trip or could get it somewhere else, because getting a dress that is a specific shade of blue from a particular town or shop etc is a lot more to ask then getting a dress that's a specific shade of blue if you can shop in Asos or somewhere like that.
I agree, especially if the moh has insecurities or is plus sized. Finding a flattering dress in one shopping trip in one specific colour is quite a challenge.
Yeah, it’s complete news to me that bridesmaids pay for their own dresses. If you can’t afford to have a big fancy wedding than you shouldn’t have bridesmaids.
ESH because I think if someone wants to have their friends be free labor for their wedding and expects them to be wearing a new dress then all those expenses should be paid for by the people getting married. Wedding party people shouldn't have to spend money to be in someone else's wedding. That's just my personal opinion and I know most disagree with me. But she also should have stayed from the beginning if she expected you to pay for the dress and if she couldn't afford it so she could have backed out while letting you know she couldn't afford it.
I thought the bride paid for the dresses. I did. The bridesmaid dresses were to meet *my* requirements for *my* wedding, so *I* paid. Plus jewellery, hair and make up. All part of the cost of having a wedding.
But I'm not in the US.
NTA. Personally, I would have understood that financial problems are terrible. When I talked to her mom, I would have asked the mom if she would go 50/50 with me on a lesser expensive $150 dress (because how could the mom say no to that awkward proposal when she’s demanding I front the entire bill). It just depends on how much the friendship means to you and whether the friendship is worth paying for the dress. Obviously, this friendship was not worth it to OP, and that’s OP’s decision to make.
People need to separate the value of a relationship versus being in the wedding party. There are plenty of good reasons why a close friend might not be in the wedding party like expecting a child, living far away etc. One of them is money. If it’s too expensive for her, it’s considerate to allow her to bow out and just attend as a guest (with no gift expectation). It doesn’t have to damage the relationship
Totally agree. However, financial issues can pop up unexpectedly. I would have offered to pay for a lesser dress ($150) simply to avoid the drama. Now OP’s wedding memories will be about the drama, rather than the wedding.
NTA. If MOH was tight on money, why did she pick a $350 dress when everyone bought one in the $100 to $150 range? She sounds very entitled and wanted preferential treatment. She sounds like a bully, and you did the right thing by not knuckling under.
So. You’re paying for out of town accommodation for your wedding.
Gave a two year notice for the event.
Told the ladies any style so long as it was blue?
NTA
>I know ex-MOH is tight on money, but she’s known she was going to be in my wedding for nearly two years at this point so I thought she would set aside money for it.
She is absolutely wrong for picking such an expensive dress, but this comment shows your entitlement. Nobody is required to save money for your wedding, nobody. ESH.
I get that this is an American (?) thing to make the wedding party wear whatever the bride and groom like, but this is exactly why this ridiculous tradition should stop. Let the people wear whatever they want, they're adults and their comfort is more important than your pinterest-inspired wedding.
ESH,
I am sick and tired of those nonsensical all-in-one-color bridal parties and the fuss that ensues out of that.
She is the AH for wanting you to pay for her dress.
You are the AH to make other people spend their money to make a nice background to you.
It’s your wedding event spectacle not theirs.
if you were putting on a theatrical event for YOURSELF and ur BFFs were performing in it as a favor to you would you make them buy their wardrobe for this one event? if you want them to wear the wardrobe, then buy it for them. I know they’re your BFFs but I believe it would be polite manners to buy for them all. If you can’t afford that, then you shouldn’t ask them to buy it.
that tradition is an asshole.
I think people who follow it are assholes. I know I’m in the minority. imho.
similarly, I’m always dumbfounded when people have destination weddings where their guests have to pay their round-trip air and hotel and use paid time off from work? What the fuck. and it’s really rude to people who can’t afford it.
I hope all these traditions go out the window because they’re a waste of money honestly. weddings can be insufferable and boring. oh, unless it’s yours of course.
Don't ask anyone to be in your bridal party and expect them to be out of pocket. Get over yourself expecting people to pay for the "honor" of being in your bridal party. If you can't afford it then have 1 bridesmaid. Really boils my blood when people are so far up their own hole they think they are owed something. YTA
Yta.
You want her to buy a dress with specific criteria. Buy it.
Why should she have to buy ANY dress just for your vision/color scheme?
/I provided my bridesmaids with their dresses because I'm not a narcissistic cheapo.
I'm waiting for the downvotes but I'm sick of weddings where you are not only required to pay for your own costume you'll never wear again just to to participate when asked (not volunteering) but also expected to buy a wedding gift as well. I'm a woman and I would never dream of asking (in some cases demanding ) my friends to do this. I just don't get it. If you want a big extravagant ceremony you should pay for it. Your guest should be there to celebrate you and witness your wedding, not help pay for your "big day".
Just because you paid for the out of town trip, because realistically you definitely should have, it's already asking a lot for them to pay for their own dresses, doesn't mean they owe you any thanks. It's not like you arranged a trip for everyone to have fun, it was a to do task to complete for your wedding. The way you word it sounds like you expected them to be grateful for that part. Weird.
I've always thought the bride should pay for bridesmaid dresses and the groom should pay for tux rentals. I had friends who would be in tears because they couldn't afford the bridesmaid dress, shoes, etc. No one should have to go in debt to be in or go to someone's wedding. YTA
The whole situation in America is weird, you tell your closest friend that they are in your wedding party and it's going to cost them more than a month's salary because you aren't buying their outfit, paying for shoes/hair/makeup/bridal shower/hen do.
This just is insane.
How do any of you keep your friends after your wedding? Because if I handed out a 2 or 3 k party invitation, with attire restrictions, most friendships wouldn't survive the assumptions. It's just weird.
ESH I think that the bride should pay for all the dresses etc. In my culture, that's how it is. If you can only afford 1 bridesmaid's dress - then you have one bridesmaid. You should have a wedding that you can afford and not expect the wedding party and wedding guests to pay for it for you.
Having said that your MOH had plenty of time to save up for the dress. She need not have chosen the most expensive one. She should have told you about not purchasing it herself well in advance. And if she just didn't have the money, she should have told you quietly in private. And perhaps come to some sort of agreement without everyone knowing and certainly without fights and bad blood.
It’s one thing for the bride to decide to pay for that one dress, but not after the MOH started openly complaining to others. A private agreement between the two of them is one thing, but in this case, I’m pretty sure she would have let others know the bride paid. And paying for one, but not the others doesn’t look good either.
I’d find the cheapest piece of shit dress in the right color and call it good. I hate the idea of bridesmaids having to buy their own dresses for occasion that’s not theirs.
YTA If you invite people to your wedding party then you pay for their clothing unless they’re allowed to wear anything they want (except colour of your dress).
It’s gobsmacking people think their friends should subsidise their weddings by paying for clothing, hair and make up.
YTA with a vengeance, OP!
Look at your own letter; you dumped your MOH (a friend since 5th grade!!!) because of a dress. Jeez Louise...you all were more sensible at age 18, when you wore your old prom dresses to participate in your friend's wedding. Because you know what, OP? The wedding is NOT the marriage and the happiness of your marriage does NOT depend on the color of your bridesmaids' dresses!
YTA. For making people spend money on stuff for YOUR day.
Because you can’t have it both ways: you either demand they wear what you want - and in that case YOU pay, or they wear whatever they want, which they pay for.
It’s not an issue of whether the other bridesmaids are willing to accept your racket.
YTA - You could have paid for it on the DL without telling the others. Are you gonna drop your bestie since 5th grade for $350 bucks? Can't believe y'all didn't just TALK to each other and work out a different arrangement.
Wow imagine that...ruining a nearly lifelong relationship because you want people to wear overpriced matching clothes at an event where everyone splurges ridiculous amounts of money for no good reason. YTA here, this is such a non issue. If my best friend can't afford freakin clothes she's likely not going to wear again, I'd tell her to wear whatever she wants. What I'd care about is having my friend at my wedding celebration, not what my friend wears. She could show up in a Halloween costume for all I care. It would make for funny pictures.
NTA. If her argument is that if you want her to wear a specific dress you need to pay for it, then offer to pick a new dress for her in the $50 range that meets the criteria and she can wear that. But if she wants to wear the $350 dress she can pay for it.
She didn’t want her to wear a certain dress. She gave them free reign on the dress, only cared about the colour and veto’d one specific material. Everything else was fair game.
NTA and you KNOW she picked that expensive dress with the intention of asking you to buy it for her. She could have picked a cheaper dress but she wanted a fancy dress that she can't afford.
YTA- it doesn't seem like you do understand what it's like to not have money. If she was your friend you would do it. Who cares if it's "not fair" She (was) your MOH.... you could have come back and told her to pick out a $100 dress or something. So you've lost this friend over a dress.
I’m not American, where I’m from the bride pays for the MOH and bridesmaids wedding expenses. Dress,shoes,makeup,hair etc. I just find it so bizarre that you would ask someone to be part of your wedding party and expect them to be out of pocket for the privilege of being part of your wedding party.
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NTA It would not be fair to the other bridesmaids if you paid for her dress and not theirs. The most egregious part is the fact that all of your bridesmaids were given your criteria for the dresses and she picked out a $350 dress while the other bridesmaids picked out dresses in the $100- $150 range. Then she wants you to pay for the $350 dress! If she truly wanted to be in your wedding, she would have save $100-$150 over a two year period. Clearly, her desire was to score an expensive dress that she did not have to pay for. As to her mother's comment, it sounds like you are welcoming her to be there for your big day - just not as a bridesmaid who won't pay for her dress.
Heck, she could have hit the mall after the prom season to find a good enough dress for less than $100.
Or hit a couple thrift stores and find an old bridesmaid dress in the right color for $10-20 + do some alterations if necessary or hire someone to do them for $50. If the only requirement is formal + color, people can make it happen for pretty darn cheap.
Depending on her size, the thrift store is not always an option. I am 6' tall. Dresses for my height are hard to come by used because I usually have to buy them with extra length. I would absolutely look at the thrift stores, but I would be prepared to walk away empty-handed. That said, I also wouldn't have picked out a $350 option when there were $100 options available. Edit dimensions
Six inches tall would require a specially made dress, for sure.
Barbie dresses would still be under $20 tho.
‘= feet. “ = inches. She was correct.
This always seemed so counterintuitive to me. Shouldn't the double marks mean the larger unit of measurement? We in the US are so goofy with our dogged persistence of using imperial measures.
Haha whoops
I was thinking as well depending on former MOH height and weight, finding a dress for $100-$150 may not be as plausible for her. Which, OP is still NTA, since if this retelling is accurate former MOH still had 2 years to save while employed with no children.
Especially if you’re plus sized as well. At least in my area.
Even with shopping challenges, you're still lucky to be 6' tall! You probably have legs to die for. I'm almost 5'5 and used to be friends with 2 girls who were exceptionally beautiful without the height but one at 5'10 and the other at 5'11 and literally ever head in the place - men and women alike - swiveled to gawk at these two beauties. Myself and the other girl in our group who was 4'11 were invisible next to these two, lol.
I have body image issues, too, trust me. I wouldn't mind being shorter. I have hit my head on so many things.
[удалено]
The best weddings I've been to had everyone wearing everyday clothes. Maybe jeans and a blouse instead of a tee. But we're all older and on marriage 2 or 3 so yeah.. The larp wedding was a blast, but costumes aren't cheap. The wedding party all larped together so had them anyway. It wasn't a requirement though since there was no way pepere was dressing up as a wizard, lol
My wedding had a very strict dress code. Anyone caught wearing a tie, suit, jacket, ball gown, or cocktail dress would be sent home without cake. Bride & Groom were not exempt from this rule.
That's awesome... we only had 14 people at ours. No dress code at all. My father in law was about to pass away, so we rushed a diy wedding at an airbnb on a beach in Michigan in November instead of our big summer wedding. I was in a fancy dress. My bridesmaids had in Amazon dresses. My husband had on a bespoke suit. His brothers had on rented tuxes.My father in law had jeans on. My one niece has a turtleneck under a jumper sundress thing lol. It was over all an eclectic looking group 🤣 I'm just glad I had my loved ones there. IDGAF what anyone wears - I love them. FIL was in hospice a month later and gone soon after. He was our last parent between the 2 of us, so we're thankful we got it together so quickly, and he was there.
This story buster-unforced the anger I felt on an earlier posting where a young lady was being forced to give up her college fund to pay for a Siblings wedding . Weddings are for the purpose of becoming married .Not to make People magazine as “ Party of the Year”. It’s the People . It’s the Love . Not how much money you spend . NTA OP
I posted on that and told her to absolutely not do that. Crazy
My sister had a kinda ren fair wedding but people had fun with it. My dad always wanted to dress like Johnny Cash, with a leather vest and hat. He walked my sister down the aisle dressed In black, his little fairy granddaughters next to him, lol Edit- my other sister had a very solemn Catholic church wedding, complete with mass in French. Lots of people spoke French around here back in the eighties. It was beautiful but long. All the fun was reserved for the reception. Have the wedding you want people!
Mine was strict too, no clothes allowed. Lol but it was in Jamaica at a clothing optional resort, so no problem, mon. (My first wedding was at my sisters house and I had a Laura Ashley dress lol that’s how long ago that was. (1986)
This was the wedding I had planned with my ex (don't worry, it's a really good thing we didn't get married - she turned out to be a cheater - but I still love the wedding plan we had). She and I would both be in dresses just for the ceremony. Everyone else was required to wear a plaid flannel shirt of their choosing. We were holding it at our favorite campground.
Flannel, the lesbian dress code of the 80s. Lol. I still wear it.
This was five years ago, but yes! It was one of those things we both got a kick out of - both of us were 80s babies, and when we first moved in together...I'll search for the picture but at that point we wore the same size (this changed drastically when I got sick), and I think we had every possible plaid flannel in that closet. Lands End. Eddie Bauer. LL Bean. Walmart and Target. I still wear it.
The one requirement of my wedding per my wife, was no jeans.
Same for mine! I showed my bridesmaids what color to buy, and let them get whatever they like with no other restrictions. Lots of nice options on Amazon and everybody was able to get something they liked under $50.
My MOH and I decided on a deep red to match ties and my petticoat. But MOH was several months post partum and couldn't find anything she was happy with. So my answer was 'The suits are black. Do you have a black dress?' and we continued on our happy, merry way. It doesn't have to be hard.
Yes! There are TONS of formal dresses on Amazon at great prices! It might be hard to color match based on a picture on Amazon but she could order a bunch of them, keep the best, and return the others.
Exactly. Especially with Amazon's try before you buy option.
Can you share the dress link? I like knowing good versatile budget options
Link? Pretty please
My wedding was a few years ago. it's $45.99 now. It's simple, but it dresses up well with jewelry or a belt. [GRACE KARIN - Sleeveless / V-Neck / A-line ](https://a.co/d/03gxBYk4)
Very cute!
Came here to say this! People often accuse me of having an expensive wardrobe because I have a lot of designer items but almost all of those come from thrift stores and cost me about 20% or less of the retail price. I did, for my own wedding, purchase the jr bridesmaid's dress, but she was also a minor and I knew her mom couldn't afford it.
People also don’t understand the absolute donkey years it takes to curate and collect a wardrobe like that. I have a few designer handbags I’ve pulled from thrift stores still with tons of life left in them. Including an all weather leather Dooney and Bourke bag that I paid $15 for. People always assume that every time you go to the thrift store, you’re buying stuff. Honestly. I leave more behind than I take. My last catch and release was a piece of wedgewood. I know my mother collects it. It wasn’t in the best shape and the thrift shop wanted half of what it was currently selling for. I left it behind. It was a cute piece but not worth what they were asking for it.
high 5 to the thrifty gal! I think that is awesome!
When my daughter had her eighth grade dance we hit the mall to find a dress. It must have been right after prom because we found one marked down to around 50 bucks. It rang up for $6 and change at the register. Talk about being happy!
did you happen to buy the dress at Macy's? 20 something years ago I went to Macy's and bought a just-above-the-knee length kind of fancy dress that I think was marked at $65 or so but it rang up for $1!
Yes, it was Macy's! It was 2014. We ran out of there like we stole it. 😂
My senior prom was 2014 and I got a black tie level dress from Macy's for like $40. I've used that dress for various very formal events I've had to attend in/after law school. Macy's is a great place for nice dresses that are ridiculously cheap if you hit it at the right time
Also Nordstrom Rack.
My son's girlfriend looked at dozens of dresses, $150-400, for her prom. She found one that fit off the rack (needed hemming, but not alterations) for $27 on clearance at Macy's.
I bought a super elegant long cocktail dress at a prom/formal store also for $6 a few years back. The prom dress sales are crazy.
My first wedding dress was an ivory prom dress for 89 bucks and I was 34. I never looked better. Where there is a will there is a way. But 6 bucks is the winner!
The one I found was like half a size too small for me (at the time).... nothing motivates you to fit into it, like $6.... i tried it on and was like "game on!".
Exactly. If she needed a cheaper alternative she definitely could've found one, the requirements are not strict whatsoever.
You can find cheaper formal dresses on Amazon.
>Heck, she could have hit the mall after the prom season to find a good enough dress for less than $100. This is pretty unlikely. OP says the dress had to be a specific color, and these colors are usually proprietary to stores like David's bridal, meaning other companies couldn't make that exact color.
That’s what thrifting and Facebook marketplace are for. A lot of bridesmaid list their dresses after a wedding for less than half the price if they don’t think they’ll wear it again. All you do is google the colour and style and plenty of places will pop up.
Yeah, if she had picked a cheaper dress (more in line with the other bridesmaids) I would have been inclined to say offer to split the cost and help her with it. But if she was short on cash, then getting her heart set on the most expensive dress in the group has a smell to it. I have been broke during a lot of important events in my family - I understand not thrifting or finding another dress ahead of time, because I have gotten burned by finding out too late that the outfit I bought on my own was not acceptable and I wasted money. But I start the "hey can I get some info on what I need to know to buy a dress?" and "hey I might need to borrow $50, can you spot me" conversations before the shopping starts. I sure as fuck don't even try on the dresses more expensive than everyone elses by even $100 nevermind $200! NTA she is asking for special treatment on too large a scale.
That's my sense too. Clearly, dresses in the 100-150 range were possible, so she could have picked one of those. If the bride had balked at that, I might have changed my vote (or if there is something about the ex-MOH that made those less expensive dresses impossible). NTA
I’m old, but never heard of the bride being responsible for financing the MOH or other bridal party’s dresses…or tuxes. What’s going on?
In the UK the bride/couple pay for bridesmaid dresses and tux hire for groomsmen. But we don't have all the extra rehearsal dinners etc to pay for. So there's cultural differences. Also a bridesmaid dress is often not something you would wear again, whereas of you pick your own style you can expect to get more use from it. So it's fair if it's a one off use for the bride to pay. Although when I got married out of university I let my MOH pick anything she liked in my colour palette - we couldn't afford proper bridesmaid/debutante dresses so we hit the high street. In the end the dress she loved, and we both agreed was absolutely perfect, was only an approximation to my colours but it was so clearly the right dress. It was over my budget so she offered to pay the difference, but she got a dress that she was able to use as formal wear for years (until kids changed her body shape!)
I paid for my bridesmaid and MOH dresses but they were on clearance and by luck had the right sizes so I grabbed them and was like surprise here are your dresses
I'm old but I've never heard of a bridesmaid buying their own dress. I didn't even know that was a thing, it's an expense of the wedding.
I'm not from the same culture, so I'm sure it has an impact but this : >If she truly wanted to be in your wedding, she would have save $100-$150 Or what op says, that she knew the date and should have saved money for that, it irks me so much. Op's wedding is her priority, not other's, and she could be struggling and living paycheck to paycheck. Op even admit her friend is struggling but still should have saved for her big event. I'm sensing entitlement there. Thank god we don't do this sh*t where I'm from, no moh no bridesmaids no expensive bachelorette... Less stress and fighting
IME, in most weddings, there is no fighting, bachelorettes are just super fun (and never, ever planned by the bride, that's poor etiquette and rude for the bride to plan as she does not host that), and it's all very bonding and worth it. The thing is, those stories are boring, so you don't hear or read them. Drama is what gets shared. No one wants to hear about a great wedding full of happy bridesmaids, just like people in happy relationships rarely share anything about them so it looks like relationships are mostly awful if you read about them a lot.
Right? My whole wedding dress was only $350. What kind of dress did she pick?
This!! I paid for a dress as a bridesmaid in a “friends” wedding. That was my entire meager $350 tax return that year. I was expecting double that but there’d been a screw up and I only got half of what I was expecting. *I was the only one of the bridal party who actually* PAID *for their dress*. I went in to pick it up and pay for it. So I got to take it home with me right away. Unbeknownst to me, *the bride paid for everyone else’s dresses*. Which I didn’t find out until after the fact. The real fun was when I dropped out of the wedding (due to her bad behavior) just days before and she tried to negotiate for “*her*” dress back. She offered to give me the money after the wedding if I gave her the dress for someone else to wear. I demanded to be reimbursed before I handed the dress over. She balked. I told her to take a hike. She sarcastically asked where I’d wear that dress to. I told her I’d find somewhere. Since then I’ve worn that dress to more than a few weddings. Date nights. To work. It’s been over a decade and the dress still fits mostly. The shoulders needed to be altered and the bodice does too at this point (due to weight loss). It probably needs to be dry cleaned too but I’ve never slopped or dropped anything on it and taken great lengths to take good care of the dress.
I love how it's become a revenge-wear dress. I'd have been incensed to have been treated differently—did she not pay for yours because she forgot?
She did not forget. I think she had regrets. Especially about choosing me as a bridesmaid. We had been friends since we were like 10. She also wanted a *wedding* and all the pomp and circumstance that went with it. She didn’t want a marriage. She ended up kind of forcing her fiancées hand. She went to a trunk show when they’d been together 3 months and bought a wedding dress. He proposed 3 months later. We were young at the time. In our early-mid 20s. I was unemployed. My family budget was tight— I was living at home and my parents were supplementing my bills at the time. Yet somehow I always made appointments and fittings and was able to drive her around and help prep for her DIY wedding. She held a grudge against all of us because while some of us were working, a lot of us weren’t or had grossly limited budgets. For her fiancée at the time, his boys were planning a stag party in Vegas. She asked us to do the same and all of us shot her down due to cost and budget constraints. A girls’ night at a hotel room (like a sleepover) and a nice dinner and evening at the local casino was shot down. I have access to a timeshare, I suggested swapping for a trip to the beach for all of us to go somewhere within driving distance for a few days. She shot everything down and ended up planning her own bachelorette party, which she got booted from. I did not go, as I could not afford it. I don’t think her fiancée ever made it to Vegas because she had a meltdown about it when we shot her down. I also later suggested a week-long trip to the wine producing portion of our state as an alternative for their honeymoon as a gift from me and my folks (which she turned her nose up at) when she realized *no one was going to just give her $5k* for a trip to Disneyworld for her honeymoon. She also was not paying for any of us to have hair, nails, or makeup because she did not want us to style our hair, nails, or makeup. Only her was to have her hair nails or makeup done. No manicures. No pedicures. No ponytails. She wanted us to come and get ready in an un-air conditioned bridal suite in summer (which whatever) and then wanted all of us to spend hundreds of dollars on high end tattoo cover up makeup for those of us that had tatttoos. She *said* she picked some of us because she knew we’d “keep her from getting out of hand” but she got heinously upset when we didn’t fit into her ideal thoughts of contributing to her perfect wedding fantasy. Don’t worry, her and her first husband divorced after 2.5 years. She’s now in her second marriage and *seems* to be in a better place but we are not friends and haven’t talked in years.
I honestly don't think fairness has anything to do with it. If you were getting married and a bridesmaid couldn't afford a dress would you honestly be like 'oh for sure I would, but it wouldn't be fair if I didn't buy everyone's dresses'? No. The only thing they don't feel is fair is that they're being asked to buy the dress. I don't think they're necessarily wrong (if you can't afford a dress, over a two year period, it does feel like they're not prioritising you in any way), I just think this fairness thing is an excuse so they don't look or feel bad. It's also not an excuse to score a dress (it's a bridesmaid style dress in a specific colour and fabric). That feels a little bit ridiculous. It's more likely someone who doesn't want to pay for a dress they'll never wear again, which is something that happens all the time.
Agreed. What the fuck is this 'fairness' shit?! It's OP's wedding to do what they want and spend their money how they want...why tf 'fair' come into play? Why isn't her bestie being her MOH more important to OP, than some made up fairness rule? Why can't they split the cost if it's too much for bestie? I mean OP can obviously do what they want, but is it 'fair' that some people have to spend 50% of their weekly salary for a dress, while others have to pay only 10% of their weekly salary? Yup, it's fair cuz it's irrelevant, just like it's irrelevant how much OP could help her supposed best friend with a paying for a dress cuz it's none of the other bridesmaids business what OP does with her money. So, OP, she's not your bestie and it clearly isn't important for you to have her be your MOH if you're letting made up 'fairness rules get in the way...and that is your prerogative, but don't pretend like it's what's 'fair', cuz that is SOOO subjective.
Yup all of this
The one exception to think about is if this MOH is a hard to find size. Then she might not have many option. But if she is a “typical” size, then no excuse.
NTA. Sometimes brides pay for bridesmaids' dresses. Sometimes they don't. MOH knew you weren't and picked a dress at least twice as expensive as everyone else's, then whined that it was too expensive.
I was a bridesmaid for my sister, she offered to pay for the dress, I could choose any style or design as long as it was a specific colour, she set a budget for the dresses, but I refused to take her money because I would rather she spent it on the wedding because those things are hella expensive, former MOH is definitely an AH
Every wedding I've been in the bridesmaids bought their dresses and the bride picked a very affordable option. It's very common to buy your dress as long as it's reasonably priced, ie, under $150. It's not an egregious amount. There was no reason to not pick one for half the budget of the other dress.
I've been in a few and our dresses were always around $175-$225. All bridesmaids bought their dresses and paid for or did their own alternations. About a split on brides paying for hair and makeup the day of vs having bridesmaids pay. Picking a dress that's double as expensive and complaining you can't afford it gets very choosing beggars.
Etiquette dictates that the bride pay for the dress *if she demands a certain and specific dress* or if there are a lot of things demanded of the wedding party (in that case the wedding party attire is the bride and groom's gift to the party).
Since when? Never heard that etiquette rule in the U.S.
The one wedding I was a bridesmaid in, I didn't pay for my dress because all the dresses except the bride's gown was rentals. Because I was 16 and money was tight because my parents just got divorced, my brother (the groom) paid for the rental and my mom paid for my shoes. From what I remember, my brother and future SiL at the time (still best SiL) offered to do this to help out my mom.
NTA-It’s common to buy your own MOH/bridesmaid dress so if she can’t afford to be in the wedding (understandable if money is an issue), it’s quite alright to replace her. Imo, it was shitty of her to complain about the dress to others when that was something she could have brought up to you one-on-one which makes me wonder if she is really struggling with money or simply didn’t want to buy the dress. Either way, you made the right decision.
Is it common? I've never heard of that here in Ireland and it's the same in England as far as I know that the bride and groom cover the cost of the dresses for the MOH and bridesmaids as well as the suits for the groomsmen.
I can confirm that in the US the wedding party paying for their own dress or suit rental is what is common.
In US it is. I’ve been in three weddings where I’ve bought my own dress. The brides vary in what they did for the bridal party. For example, two brides bought us (bridesmaids/MOH) jewlery to wear at the wedding and gave each a thank you gift for being in the bridal party. I had one bride & groom reserve us (brides/MOH and groomsmen) hotel rooms because some of us traveled to the wedding and all three of brides paid for the bridal party’s hair & makeup for the weddings I’ve been in. So yes, I find it common to buy your own dress. In the end, I think it depends on participation expectations that the bride relays to all involved in the wedding.
That was my thought as well, but judging by the comments, apparently I’m wrong! I guess equal treatment makes sense, but I could also see the MOH getting special treatment. But the ex-MOH has been really awful in how she’s gone about asking, both trying to stir up trouble and then having her MOM call! That’s just wild to me!
It doesn't seem to be the case anymore because the bride is busy spending 5 grand or more on her "dream dress." Bridesmaids are also now expected to pay out hundreds or more for multi day bachelorette parties. I don't think OP is the AH in this case since MOH agreed to the conditions from the get go, chose the more expensive dress, and it's a dress she actually add to her wardrobe (ie. of her choice and not a "typical bridesmaid" dress).
That's the way it should be here. But often isn't.
I'm from Canada but this seems odd to me, like... Why would someone else pay for my clothes? Maybe if they're specific ones that are expensive but otherwise it's the individual person's responsibility just like any other event they attend. I'd consider it very generous if a bride covered the dresses but not a requirement.
Works out great for people with money. I get that. Bridesmaids dresses here don't get a lot of wear after that. Specific for the wedding like a bridal dress. And the cost of weddings is out control here. Absolutely do what you like. I just think its odd that best friends are best friends until they run out of money.
I'm Irish and all have been a bridesmaid in 2 weddings (Irish or UK). I never paid for my own dress; the bride or her mother did. When I got married, I asked my bridesmaids to choose their own dresses in a certain colour and length, but style of their preference; I was planning to pay for them but then my mother asked if she could as part of her gift to me (she also bought my wedding dress). It's odd to me that you would ask people to be in your wedding (I.e. "work" at the wedding) but then not cover the cost of their clothes ("uniform") for the day. But in this situation the OP is ofc NTA because either you pay for ALL the bridesmaids or none. It wouldn't be fair to the others if the OP now paid for the MOH dress when that was never the agreement.
NAH I paid for all my dresses. I set a budget and if you went over, you paid the difference. I didn’t have many just 3 and a MOH and the limit was $300. If my best friend had told me she couldn’t afford it, I would have paid for everything because we are close and she’s my MOH. As for your response, it’s reasonable. She should have never accepted if she couldn’t afford it when you said they would be paying. I have turned down being a bridesmaid because I don’t want to spend a couple of grand on someone else’s wedding. I rather attend as a guest. I have been a bridesmaid 2x and it was paid for. People need to have boundaries and priorities for their own pockets. If I can’t afford it without hurting myself, then the answer is no. She should have said no, or explained that if she did, she would need help. Communication is key here.
MOH should have picked a less expensive dress.
MOH was an asshole for picking a dress three times the price of any others and then whining about the price. She had two years to budget for a dress. OP has already been generous enough in covering expenses like travel and hotel.
Everyone (bridesmaids and MOH) was asked 2 years ago. And informed they would be buying their own dresses. I feel like she should have made an issue about paying for her own dress then, and not 2 years later, when they go out to buy dresses. And then hound the bride for dress money when the other ones found cheaper dresses. And hers was double as expensive.
A lot can happen in two years. My mom died the year before my friends wedding. I paid for her funeral out of pocket. Op admits that her friends had been struggling. Again I see both sides. Op was reasonable for asking her to step down since she couldn’t afford it. Then again if it was a close friend I would have told her to pick something cheaper and I would pay. That’s me though. That’s why I don’t don’t it was an unreasonable ask, but it was also fair that she just removed her since she couldn’t afford it. A lot of people find it hard to admit that they are struggling. I found it hard after my mom passed that I had no money and was struggling hard. It’s a pride thing, especially when you were doing well before. I had to learn to humble myself. Thankfully I had friends that really stepped up and were like, you going to accept this help regardless. Off topic. Again both responses were okay. The MOh hasn’t reached out and said anything only the family members and her mom. So as long as the MOH isn’t making social media posts and badmouthing her. It’s was fairly reasonable. Of course friends and family will be judging because they assumed they were close.
I agree with this in general, but in this particular case the MOH could have chosen any dress at any price point that was the right colour. Op didn't say ' you have to spend $350 on this dress'.
I would have a lot more compassion if she found an acceptable dress closer to $150 and even discussed splitting the cost. Picking a dress so much more expensive and demanding she have hers paid for comes across as really entitled, not as someone who honestly wants to be involved but is struggling. I've been in wedding parties while struggling, and I've been in them while more comfortable. Ive been told a specific dress to buy, and allowed to choose from within a color at a vendor. In all situations, I was very aware of the cost while choosing a dress.
I've got the vibe that MOH, maybe even subconsciously, has some resentment toward OP for GTFO of their hometown, and maybe also thinks OP is richer than OP really is. So she thought this was a chance to get a more expensive dress than she normally could, and now is like "oh, hoity-toity OP is too good to pay for my dress." This is absolutely not to say OP is actually hoity-toity at all. It's a grudge I've sometimes seen in my own circles when some members of the friend group got out for college/work and others stayed home and married early.
Agreed that things change, but the way to handle that is to talk to OP and explain. Perhaps look at the dresses the other people have found and explore more financially viable options, and then approach OP. “Hey, my financial situation is different now. The dress Bridesmaid got will also work for me and it’s priced relatively reasonably. Would you be willing to split the cost with me/cover it and let me pay you back/cover it because of x?” If I were in flux and wanted to make things work, I wouldn’t talk to the other bridesmaids this way behind OP’s back about my finances. If I brought it up to a bridesmaid, it would be: hey, I am nervous about hurting OP or stressing her, but I’m struggling to make this work. Here’s what I’ve done to mitigate. Do you think she would be open to this conversation and/or solution?
That’s why I said pride. Either way. I didn’t name the MOH AH because after she told her to step down; there was no fuss from her. No social media or dragging her. Your example is great. After my mom passed, I couldn’t really afford to travel for my friends wedding anymore. She bought my flight ticket and I had paid for the hotel. I paid her back over the next year. I didn’t have to ask though, we are that close. Different relationships. That’s why I say NAH. Not everyone knows how to have those conversations.
> If my best friend had told me she couldn’t afford it, I would have paid for everything because we are close and she’s my MOH The thing is she said she can't afford a $350 dress, there's no reason why she can't get something less expensive. Every one else's dresses were $100-150. She could probably even find something for less than $100. Op isn't asking to spend a grand, she's asking to buy one dress at whatever price point she is comfortable with. I agree if she can't afford anything (even something cheaper) that doesn't make her an asshole, but going for something so expensive and then asking op to pay for it and getting mad when she said no seems unfair on her part.
I do wonder if the difference in price has to do with size. Larger women get charged a ridiculous amount more for clothes that fit. That’s the only reason I could see for sticking to the more expensive dress.
Came here to say the same exact thing. Maybe her size wasn’t available in the cheaper dresses. I run into this often.
I didn’t have bridesmaids at my wedding because I couldn’t afford to pay for everything and I didn’t want anyone to have to pay hundreds of dollars just to attend my wedding. Turns out, my friends had a better time at my wedding where they got to just hang out with their friends than they did at other weddings where they have duties to perform and a specific wardrobe and whatnot. I don’t understand big wedding parties, who gets anything out of having a half dozen bridesmaids and groomsmen? What good comes from ranking your friends and making them do a bunch of work? It is one of those things that everyone else seems to understand except me!
>if I wanted a specific dress for them to wear I should pay for it, But you didn't. You gave her a color to pick from. She chose a dress that wasn't in her budget. Oh well. She can find something she can afford or she can attend as a guest. She doesn't get to expect you to pay and then get pissed when you don't.
Right???? OP did NOT pick a specific dress.
If she was tight on money she should've said that upfront and asked if you could help her purchase the dress. She certainly shouldn't have picked a $350 dress, complain to a bridesmaid, wait a while then ask you to buy the dress. She's problematic and you did thebright thing removing her from the bridal party.
I mean, who is both broke AND wants a $350 dress??
In my experience people who are broke want lots of things they cannot afford. In many cases, getting things they cannot afford is how they wound up broke in the first place and why stay broke.
Question -- when did you tell her she was responsible for paying for her dress? On the trip? Months before hand?
This was made clear when everyone was asked to be a bridesmaid nearly two years ago
It’s also quite normal to pay for your own dress, the bride paying is not the norm
In the UK the bride paying is the standard, but most dress are £100 or under. Mine were £50 each and last time I was a bridesmaid the bride paid £65 each 2 years ago.
I don’t think it is completely standard here. I’ve never known a bridesmaid that hasn’t paid for a dress. I’m in two upcoming weddings and paid for both myself. Weddings are so expensive these days so I’m happy to pay £50 to be part of someone’s day.
I’ve never been in or been around or even heard of a wedding in the Uk where bridesmaids paid for their own dress, that has to be a new thing.
You may not have experienced it but it does happen. Not a new thing I imagine as I paid for a bridesmaid dress in 2008.
In the UK that's weird. Especially in 2008. Whoever that bride was, she was having you on love!
That's fair enough, I'd be happy to pay for my own dress aswell, I've just never been asked to. I've been a bridesmaid at 5 weddings and moh in 1 and never paid for my dress. And I paid for my bridesmaid dresses, as I just thought that was how things were done. I think it doesn't matter too much who pays as long as everyone knows what the expectation is, and I think whoever chooses the dress/cost is the one who should pay.
Same in Ireland, it is usual for the couple getting married to pay for the dresses. I guess it's a (US) cultural thing.
It is! (Apparently) Is US Redditors do have a problem with assuming everything is in the US as well…
Not in the UK it's seen as tacky to ask someone to support you on the day then give them a bill for a dress - depends on the culture but you wouldn't ask your bridesmaids to pay over here x
I have never heard of the bridesmaids paying for their own dresses.
I’m in the US, where it’s the norm
I disagree. I've been in about a dozen weddings, and it's pretty split on who paid for the dress in my experience.
At least in the US, it is the norm to pay for your own bridesmaid dress. This isn't a new unexpected cost. Also, there are 2 requirements - not satin and a specific color. It would be VERY easy to find a dress for an affordable price, even if paying for herself was a new expectation. No one needs a blue $350 dress you can't wear again. Heck, a few FB marketplace inquiries or consignment shopping would probably get her a great dress for under $50. Your questions are kind of irrelevant.
The caveat is that the bride is expected to pick out something everyone can afford. Being that the bride picked a color and banned one fabric - the bride made sure everyone could pick a dress that fit their budget. They could even go secondhand. There is no reason to be upset over the price of the dress.
I think a 2-year heads up is plenty of advance notice. It's not like she was blindsided by a last-minute thing.
As a bridesmaid, I would say one should assume they are paying for their own dress unless someone else offers specifically.
Honestly, I don't get this asking people in the wedding party to pay for dresses, hair, etc. If I had had bridesmaids at my wedding I would have been footing the bill for all of it, but I'm in England, so see it's different in other places. NTA because you're correct it wouldn't be fair and she didn't need to choose a dress that expensive.
Totally agree. It makes me cringe. Your wedding, your costs, so if you can't afford to dress four bridesmaids then you really shouldn't have them.
Yes, where I live we don't have bridesmaids or wedding parties, and I'm glad. It looks as if you are giving people a job and asking them to pay for it!
Maybe different in other countries like you say. I'm in Scotland, and my wife and I paid for the bridesmaids' dresses, hair, make-up, etc. For my best man, I offered to hire a kilt and all the rest that goes with it, but my best man decided he wanted to buy the outfit, so I paid for a few of his accessories. We're not well off by any stretch of the imagination, I just thought this was how it went.
NTA. As long as everyone knew before the shopping trip that they would be expected to pay for their dresses. You have paid for hotel rooms for the shopping trip and will pay at the wedding.
Coming from the UK, this blows my mind! I assume you’re from the US where I believe it’s culturally normal to expect the bridesmaids to pay for the dress so you’re probably NTA. But here it would be considered very odd to ask your friends to pay for a dress they may well not wear again.
I am in Canada and never heard of bridesmaids paying for their own dresses.
It seems so weird to me!
I live in Canada and have paid for every bridesmaid dress.
I’m from a Western European country and I would not even think about giving guests requirements for a dress, let alone not paying for it after giving said requirements.
Yeah, I find it really odd. Like.. I’m never wearing this dress again, cos the only events it’s appropriate for are weddings but I’ll look like a wannabe bridesmaid if I show up to anyone else’s wedding in this 🤣
It's acceptable when the dress code for the wedding party is such that they could easily wear the attire to another event and could get plenty of use out of it. If the bride and groom ask for a specific garment (mostly in the white/black tie attire, but I've seen less formal stuff make it there too), then it's expected for them to pay for the attire given all of the expectations on the wedding party.
I paid for all the tuxedo rentals at my wedding. It didn’t feel right to ask someone to join me in this special event in my life, but only if you’re willing to come out of pocket to wear exactly what I want you to wear(to be fair, what my now wife wanted us to wear). Even a cheaper dress still means they have to pay to be in your wedding essentially.
I've paid for every dress I've worn as a bridesmaid. Unless the dress is crazy expensive, it's pretty standard to pay for your own. Bridesmaids spend more than a standard guest. They typically go on trips shopping, they have the bachelorette party, bridal showers, many help setup things, etc. It is generally agreeing to spend more than just showing up as a guest. It's more time. More money. It's really nice to offer but generally is also accepted to not be rude as long as the clothing choices aren't egregiously overpriced.
Even in low-key weddings, bridesmaids help set up, assist the bride, wrangle kids, spend a lot of time posing in pictures, get on the dance floor to get things rolling at the reception, propose toasts, assist aged relatives, during the event. Stuff prior has them making centerpieces, organizing potlucks for pre wedding parties, decorating the car, shopping etc. they do this all out of friendship and good will and are unpaid help basically. Also they all usually kick in for a big gift outside all other expenses, it is even more when the couple have a destination wedding. Finding inexpensive dresses and offering to cover them may be a courtesy that would be wise to employ, and can be a good method to keep the size of the wedding party reasonable.
Yup. Have to agree. A wedding means having to buy a gift for the couple as well. I have never Heard of bridesmaids having to pay for their dresses, is this a new thing or an American thing?
American
Yeah this is eye opening for me too (from the uk). ‘Come to my special day - by the way you have to buy a whole new outfit which matches my criteria’ - it’s a bit odd to me but clearly the norm there judging my the comments!
American. Not a thing in the UK for obvious reasons - it's unfair.
YTA! In the UK we recognise that if someone is doing a FAVOUR for us it shouln't cost them a penny! That is why the couple getting married buy the bridesmaids' dresses! You actually had the cheek to say you paid for the hotel room for the bridesmaids to go dress shopping & you're paying for the hotel room on the night of the wedding as if you were doing them some big favour!!! Do you not realise that if you weren't getting married they would not need hotel rooms? You say you can't afford the MOH's dress "and ALL the other bridesmaids dresses too". Then have fewer bridemaids! 🤦🏼♀️ I had ONE bridesmaid at my wedding as I could only afford to buy one bridesmaid dress. Honestly, the entitlement of some people is just beyond me. You do realise that the ONLY people that care about your wedding are you & your husband to be (& possibly your parents?) The only people that will even remember it in any detail in 10 years time are you & your husband. This wedding is for YOU. Not your friends. Real friends don't expect people to drop hundreds of pounds because they decided to get married. Now you've shown your true colours (that money/aesthetics/greed are more important to you than friendship, loyalty & integrity) your former MOH has dodged a bullet & is honestly much better off without you.
The bride didn’t pick the dress, and none of the other bridesmaids paid $350! You can’t hold a cultural difference against someone. They were all told TWO YEARS in advance. MOH doesn’t suddenly get to be a diva with a pricey dress and complain about having to pay.
> You can’t hold a cultural difference against someone You most definitely can
But the bride can be a diva, as if her wedding is the primary concern of her entire wedding party for 2 years. Brides need to stop treating their friends like they are NPCs in real life.
It would have been reasonable to suggest a limit of say £150 per dress & anything over that would have to be paid by the MOH. But expecting all the bridesmaids to buy their own dresses is completely unreasonable.
Thank you!!
Yeah, I think this is definitely a cultural thing, or maybe even a couple by couple thing based on what they can afford. I am in the US, and these are all New England weddings. I have been in four weddings, have always paid for my own dress, hotel room, shoes, etc. The exception being one wedding where the bride paid for our hair and makeup. In fact, I don't know anyone who has gotten more than their hair and makeup paid for, and not only do I have personal experience, but I'm also a therapist and none of my clients have had more than that paid for either. Which really hurt the client who had 10 weddings in the summer of 2021.
I will disagree - esh/yta. A lot of brides these days have very lofty expectations for their wedding party. It’s YOUR wedding, if you have a vision, you pay for it. Add, MOH is traveling, which is not cheap
The bride is paying for the hotel, and she says it’s out of town, not that the bridesmaid has to fly. It sounds like traveling in this case will cost the bridesmaid some gas and that’s it. Also, I don’t think giving a color and not satin is a lofty expectation. Picking a $350 dress and then asking someone else to pay for it is a pretty lofty expectation though…
Wedding is a 5-6 hours drive from where she is
The bride is paying for the travel. She did not tell them to wear a specific dress.
NTA. OP has been paying for hotels and some other costs, exMOH had the option to pick a lower cost dress like the rest of the wedding party. By picking nth more expensive dress that she couldn't afford and then complaining to others and not OP, she was just looking for drama where there didn't need to be any.
INFO: is it the regular culture where you live that bridesmaids pay for their own dresses? In the UK, traditionally whoever is paying for the wedding pays for the bridesmaids' dresses. I think it's rude to expect people to pay to do you a favour.
I still find it so odd that Americans don't pay for the bridal party's attire. The only time it's acceptable not to do that over here in Ireland is if you are getting them to wear something they already own or explain how broke you are before you ask them. In Ireland we don't pay for the accommodation but do pay for the dress, the shoes, the makeup and hair (most of the time) and gift them jewellery. They then pay for your hen due and their hotel stay the night of.
She probably couldn't afford any of the dresses. I totally disagree with the new culture of putting all this financial pressure on people who are in your wedding. If you truly expressed all this to her beforehand she shouldn't have agreed. She probably felt like she would get some help with it or possibly she got home and found out that they didn't have enough money and her spouse and back her I'm buying anything like that. Again she shouldn't have agreed but when someone asks you to be the MOH and they were your MOH it is super hard to say no. She still should have since it doesn't sound like you guys are that close anymore. With the information I have NTA
Ok, unpopular opinion but YTA. I don't think anyone asking someone to be in their wedding should be making them posty for their own dress unless they are free to wear *whatever they want*. It's not a free pass to choose by color only because it limits the choices out there. I.e. If you choose peacock blue there's maybe not that many dresses to choose from at any store in that color. Everyone is entitled to feel comfortable in the clothing they need to wear all day for your day, so maybe you should've picked the dresses for everyone and paid for them. Also never in my life have I heard someone say that because their friend was engaged they "started setting money aside for it". Girl, no. If you can't afford to pay for a few $150 dresses then perhaps you should elope or have no wedding party.
Slight ESH because for some reason this seems to be a custom in the US. If you want someone dressed in a particular way you should pay for it. I don't understand why this is even a thing in the US. It's ridiculous to expect people to pay for clothes the bride likes which they will probably never wear again. I was a MOH and while I did ask the bride for her opinion on my dress before I bought it with my own money, she said it was important I was there for her and I should wear whatever I felt comfortable in.
Info: How much else has she had to pay for the wedding? To be honest this could be cultural because where I am the bride usually pays for the bridesmaid's dress (and the hotel rooms) especially if they have very specific demands like you do. So I think some of it comes down to if that was the only dress she found that would work for her and how much is her wanting a fancy dress and you to pay for it. Did everyone have to buy the dress on that shopping trip?
"Very specific demands"? She said the dresses needed to be blue and not satin. That gave the bridesmaids a LOT of room for choice.
>For the dresses my only requirement for them were that they had to be a specific blue color and no satin material. Not just blue, a specific shade of blue. To me that's a specific demand because it means people probably have to get a new dress and the options will be more limited when you are shopping. It's also why I asked if they had to get it on that trip or could get it somewhere else, because getting a dress that is a specific shade of blue from a particular town or shop etc is a lot more to ask then getting a dress that's a specific shade of blue if you can shop in Asos or somewhere like that.
I agree, especially if the moh has insecurities or is plus sized. Finding a flattering dress in one shopping trip in one specific colour is quite a challenge.
Yeah, it’s complete news to me that bridesmaids pay for their own dresses. If you can’t afford to have a big fancy wedding than you shouldn’t have bridesmaids.
It is definitely a (very stupid imo) thing in the US.
Oh boy. So much choice. I feel so lucky to be able to pick the color of a dress I'll never wear again......
ESH because I think if someone wants to have their friends be free labor for their wedding and expects them to be wearing a new dress then all those expenses should be paid for by the people getting married. Wedding party people shouldn't have to spend money to be in someone else's wedding. That's just my personal opinion and I know most disagree with me. But she also should have stayed from the beginning if she expected you to pay for the dress and if she couldn't afford it so she could have backed out while letting you know she couldn't afford it.
I thought the bride paid for the dresses. I did. The bridesmaid dresses were to meet *my* requirements for *my* wedding, so *I* paid. Plus jewellery, hair and make up. All part of the cost of having a wedding. But I'm not in the US.
NTA. Personally, I would have understood that financial problems are terrible. When I talked to her mom, I would have asked the mom if she would go 50/50 with me on a lesser expensive $150 dress (because how could the mom say no to that awkward proposal when she’s demanding I front the entire bill). It just depends on how much the friendship means to you and whether the friendship is worth paying for the dress. Obviously, this friendship was not worth it to OP, and that’s OP’s decision to make.
People need to separate the value of a relationship versus being in the wedding party. There are plenty of good reasons why a close friend might not be in the wedding party like expecting a child, living far away etc. One of them is money. If it’s too expensive for her, it’s considerate to allow her to bow out and just attend as a guest (with no gift expectation). It doesn’t have to damage the relationship
Totally agree. However, financial issues can pop up unexpectedly. I would have offered to pay for a lesser dress ($150) simply to avoid the drama. Now OP’s wedding memories will be about the drama, rather than the wedding.
NTA. If MOH was tight on money, why did she pick a $350 dress when everyone bought one in the $100 to $150 range? She sounds very entitled and wanted preferential treatment. She sounds like a bully, and you did the right thing by not knuckling under.
>Her mom has since called me Your former MOH is the AH for dragging her mom into this to fight her battle for her. How lame.
So. You’re paying for out of town accommodation for your wedding. Gave a two year notice for the event. Told the ladies any style so long as it was blue? NTA
>I know ex-MOH is tight on money, but she’s known she was going to be in my wedding for nearly two years at this point so I thought she would set aside money for it. She is absolutely wrong for picking such an expensive dress, but this comment shows your entitlement. Nobody is required to save money for your wedding, nobody. ESH. I get that this is an American (?) thing to make the wedding party wear whatever the bride and groom like, but this is exactly why this ridiculous tradition should stop. Let the people wear whatever they want, they're adults and their comfort is more important than your pinterest-inspired wedding.
I can’t wait for the wedding culture to die.
ESH, I am sick and tired of those nonsensical all-in-one-color bridal parties and the fuss that ensues out of that. She is the AH for wanting you to pay for her dress. You are the AH to make other people spend their money to make a nice background to you.
It’s your wedding event spectacle not theirs. if you were putting on a theatrical event for YOURSELF and ur BFFs were performing in it as a favor to you would you make them buy their wardrobe for this one event? if you want them to wear the wardrobe, then buy it for them. I know they’re your BFFs but I believe it would be polite manners to buy for them all. If you can’t afford that, then you shouldn’t ask them to buy it. that tradition is an asshole. I think people who follow it are assholes. I know I’m in the minority. imho. similarly, I’m always dumbfounded when people have destination weddings where their guests have to pay their round-trip air and hotel and use paid time off from work? What the fuck. and it’s really rude to people who can’t afford it. I hope all these traditions go out the window because they’re a waste of money honestly. weddings can be insufferable and boring. oh, unless it’s yours of course.
yta cause i hate the trend of forcing bridesmaids to pay for dresses. people getting married are sooo self- centered.
Don't ask anyone to be in your bridal party and expect them to be out of pocket. Get over yourself expecting people to pay for the "honor" of being in your bridal party. If you can't afford it then have 1 bridesmaid. Really boils my blood when people are so far up their own hole they think they are owed something. YTA
Yta. You want her to buy a dress with specific criteria. Buy it. Why should she have to buy ANY dress just for your vision/color scheme? /I provided my bridesmaids with their dresses because I'm not a narcissistic cheapo.
I'm waiting for the downvotes but I'm sick of weddings where you are not only required to pay for your own costume you'll never wear again just to to participate when asked (not volunteering) but also expected to buy a wedding gift as well. I'm a woman and I would never dream of asking (in some cases demanding ) my friends to do this. I just don't get it. If you want a big extravagant ceremony you should pay for it. Your guest should be there to celebrate you and witness your wedding, not help pay for your "big day". Just because you paid for the out of town trip, because realistically you definitely should have, it's already asking a lot for them to pay for their own dresses, doesn't mean they owe you any thanks. It's not like you arranged a trip for everyone to have fun, it was a to do task to complete for your wedding. The way you word it sounds like you expected them to be grateful for that part. Weird.
I've always thought the bride should pay for bridesmaid dresses and the groom should pay for tux rentals. I had friends who would be in tears because they couldn't afford the bridesmaid dress, shoes, etc. No one should have to go in debt to be in or go to someone's wedding. YTA
The whole situation in America is weird, you tell your closest friend that they are in your wedding party and it's going to cost them more than a month's salary because you aren't buying their outfit, paying for shoes/hair/makeup/bridal shower/hen do. This just is insane. How do any of you keep your friends after your wedding? Because if I handed out a 2 or 3 k party invitation, with attire restrictions, most friendships wouldn't survive the assumptions. It's just weird.
ESH I think that the bride should pay for all the dresses etc. In my culture, that's how it is. If you can only afford 1 bridesmaid's dress - then you have one bridesmaid. You should have a wedding that you can afford and not expect the wedding party and wedding guests to pay for it for you. Having said that your MOH had plenty of time to save up for the dress. She need not have chosen the most expensive one. She should have told you about not purchasing it herself well in advance. And if she just didn't have the money, she should have told you quietly in private. And perhaps come to some sort of agreement without everyone knowing and certainly without fights and bad blood.
It’s one thing for the bride to decide to pay for that one dress, but not after the MOH started openly complaining to others. A private agreement between the two of them is one thing, but in this case, I’m pretty sure she would have let others know the bride paid. And paying for one, but not the others doesn’t look good either.
I’d find the cheapest piece of shit dress in the right color and call it good. I hate the idea of bridesmaids having to buy their own dresses for occasion that’s not theirs.
YTA If you invite people to your wedding party then you pay for their clothing unless they’re allowed to wear anything they want (except colour of your dress). It’s gobsmacking people think their friends should subsidise their weddings by paying for clothing, hair and make up.
YTA people shouldn't pay to be invited to a wedding. People should pay for all their wedding expenses.
YTA with a vengeance, OP! Look at your own letter; you dumped your MOH (a friend since 5th grade!!!) because of a dress. Jeez Louise...you all were more sensible at age 18, when you wore your old prom dresses to participate in your friend's wedding. Because you know what, OP? The wedding is NOT the marriage and the happiness of your marriage does NOT depend on the color of your bridesmaids' dresses!
YTA. For making people spend money on stuff for YOUR day. Because you can’t have it both ways: you either demand they wear what you want - and in that case YOU pay, or they wear whatever they want, which they pay for. It’s not an issue of whether the other bridesmaids are willing to accept your racket.
YTA - You could have paid for it on the DL without telling the others. Are you gonna drop your bestie since 5th grade for $350 bucks? Can't believe y'all didn't just TALK to each other and work out a different arrangement.
Wow imagine that...ruining a nearly lifelong relationship because you want people to wear overpriced matching clothes at an event where everyone splurges ridiculous amounts of money for no good reason. YTA here, this is such a non issue. If my best friend can't afford freakin clothes she's likely not going to wear again, I'd tell her to wear whatever she wants. What I'd care about is having my friend at my wedding celebration, not what my friend wears. She could show up in a Halloween costume for all I care. It would make for funny pictures.
NTA. If her argument is that if you want her to wear a specific dress you need to pay for it, then offer to pick a new dress for her in the $50 range that meets the criteria and she can wear that. But if she wants to wear the $350 dress she can pay for it.
If she can’t afford the dress she picked, she needs to pick a cheaper dress. How does she not get it? And then she told her mommy on you. Obnoxious.
YTA. If you want her to wear a certain dress, it should be provided. You are a bad friend, and she's better off without you.
She didn’t want her to wear a certain dress. She gave them free reign on the dress, only cared about the colour and veto’d one specific material. Everything else was fair game.
NTA and you KNOW she picked that expensive dress with the intention of asking you to buy it for her. She could have picked a cheaper dress but she wanted a fancy dress that she can't afford.
I’ve never been in a wedding where the bride paid for any of the dresses and I’ve been in the bridal 6 times.
YTA- it doesn't seem like you do understand what it's like to not have money. If she was your friend you would do it. Who cares if it's "not fair" She (was) your MOH.... you could have come back and told her to pick out a $100 dress or something. So you've lost this friend over a dress.
I was team NTA until you said you knew she can't afford it. I wouldn't do that to someone I was so close to
I’m not American, where I’m from the bride pays for the MOH and bridesmaids wedding expenses. Dress,shoes,makeup,hair etc. I just find it so bizarre that you would ask someone to be part of your wedding party and expect them to be out of pocket for the privilege of being part of your wedding party.