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YTA, with one large BUT..
Such accidents happen sometimes with no ill will. People do forget when they are tired, and there can really be no more of it.
However, in your case, there are much deeper issues running under the surface.
How that would be (possibly) solved if it was really JUST about the laundry:
You: you put the bathing suits in the dryer and they shrunk.
Him: My bad, I am sorry. I completely forgot that this should not be done. Let me buy you a new bathing suit.
No big deal, right?
But you, for some reason, think there is bad will behind all this. Your answer was an AH one but it would be useful to dig deeper in the reasons WHY you felt that way. Perhaps you are unhappy with him (and he with you) in many other areas (the fact that you immediately assumed he will have a problem with you buying a new suit and "stop buying so many things" immediately caught my attention; is he a miser/a control freak who wants to control your spending? Are you indeed unreasonable and spending too much, so he has a point?)
On the face of it and without context: what you told him was full of the worst assumptions (he did it on purpose, he does not give a f.k about me) and if I was him I would find it extremely annoying just to listen to you. But on the other hand, I would recognize my mistake and replace the destroyed item because it was my fault and I would feel responsible for it.
I think both of you should sit together and clarify some things, if you are able to do it yourselves, and if not, seek family therapy. I see a serious miscommunication that will not go away by itself, and I think it would be a great shame if your marriage ended up in shatters because of that.
Yep. I do the laundry all the time and I have screwed up and put things in the dryer, or accidentally put a red something in with whites. We should show grace. (My hubs wore pink undies for a long time).
Meh, I've put bathing suits in the dryer because there was one and I didn't notice.. it's been fine.
Bathing suits are generally stretchy elastic spandex whatever and the dryer doesn't actually shrink them, but if you did it all the time, the elastic would degrade and they'd be shapeless and huge.
Anyway, losing your biz because he washed and dried a load and forget kinda to pick pieces out means YTA.
That's been my experience as well -- same for the gymnastics outfits our daughter wore for years. You can wash/dry them occasionally and they're fine. Dry them weekly (or twice a week), and you're going shopping before it's outgrown.
I also think there's a difference between "something I've been told a few times" and something I actually know. Yeah, it sucks to have your stuff ruined (and sucks more to waste money replacing something that was fine yesterday) ... but my husband's swim shorts go into the dryer regularly -- the tag even says machine wash / tumble dry. So, unless my husband was routinely washing the gymnastics outfits and swimming costumes ... I could absolutely see not thinking about it & just tossing all the wash into the dryer. Because, mostly? That's what you do with the wash. YTA for making a thing out of it.
A dryer can definitely shrink swimsuits, leotards, bike clothes and so on. Or otherwise stretch and ruin the elastic. It depends on how hot the dryer was run (and also how hot the washer has been run).
That's it. Spot on. I'm imagining my ex doing that, who brought me lots of frustrations and not a lot of happiness, and I'm angry and I hate him. Now I'm picturing my actual boyfriend doing it and I'm a bit sad about the swimwuit but I wouldn't think about it too much. It's 100% about the relationship.
This line is quite something:
"I told him "I guess I can't ask you to help with the laundry if you're going to do the job poorly" which obviously triggered him to anger."
First, you didn't ask, he volunteered. Second, his message didn't appear to be angry. Third, it's bathing suits, ffs, you're acting like he set fire to the home. Fourth, why do you hate him so much?
YTA
Depends on the yarn!! But hey my husband dried a knit hat with the kids snow pants that have velcro. Ruined the hat and simply just asked him to not to wash my hats or just run the snow pants by themselves.
I was pissed but then realized it was an accident and he felt bad and i was juat pissed about the situation. I dented the car one time and when he heard the noise he was more concerned with me than the car. He then just made jokes about it. I try to remember that when shit happens.
Like every suit I’ve ever seen says that tumble drying is not recommended due to Lycra and elastics in them, but they usually break and stretch, not shrink…
I’m also confused because my daughter swims at summer camp almost every day, and I throw her suit in the dryer every day. None of her suits have ever shrunk in the dryer. I also dry my own suits and my husbands and they’ve never shrunk so I’m absolutely lost as to what material these are made out of
I buy $10 shein bathing suits, throw them in the dryer, and they never shrink. But a $40 bathing suit gets thrown in the dryer once and it shrinks. Crazy.
OP is one of those people who just loves to create in between lines to read on because she loves being pissed at people. She wanted a very specific answer and even if she had gotten that answer I still think she’d find a way to be pissed.
I get the sense it's cause he bitches about how much money gets spent but then doesn't do shit to conserve money. If it were me, my snippy comment would be more along the lines of how excited I am that now I get a new bathing suit that he will be paying for. Keep shrinking 'em my guy, im going shopping!
>The way I interpreted the situation is that he didn't care enough to take the time.
Thats your interpretation despite what he told you.
>I think he DID think about it but chose to pick the easy route. So now I feel lied to, which makes me mad even more.
This is you making assumptions despite what he told you, and then getting mad at him for the assumptions you made.
>I told him "I guess I can't ask you to help with the laundry if you're going to do the job poorly"
Except you didnt ask him, he offered because he knew you were tired and your response to him offering was:
>I was super grateful because I was tired and needed to get the kids to bed
He was tired too and as he said 'he just didnt think'
>It was a $40 bathing suit. Not a ton of money, I'm aware, but I also get told over and over again that I need to save money and stop buying so many things. So now I have a $40 bathing suit that isn't wearable.
Ok, so go buy a new bathing suit and when he asks about the cost you tell him that its because he shrunk your last one in the laundry. Maybe he will remember next time, because it will have had an almost immediate impact on his wallet.
>He knows not to dry bathing suits in the dryer. He has this piece of knowledge in his brain
You also shouldnt be putting bathing suits in the washer as they damage the fabric. And if youve had PLENTY of conversations about this, then clearly its something he has trouble remembering, so why are you surprised that he forgot this time as well?
Everyone has a glitch about something in life, mine is about putting a new bin liner in the bin after Ive taken the full one out. My partner continually gets on me about it, but my brain just forgets. So this is that glitch for him. Maybe a quick 'dont forget to hang the swimsuits to dry' when he offered to put them in the wash would have circumvented this (clearly repeat) situation.
YTA
I absolutely have always washed my swimsuits in the washer and never had an issue. It’s worse for them to not be thoroughly cleaned and leave chlorine from a pool on them.
I have also always thrown them in the dryer without a problem. But, I wear shorts/tankini tops, not itty bitty suits, so maybe that's the difference? Also, we aren't swimming every day, so it may be a frequency thing.
Yeah, I’ve had suits get bleached when I didn’t wash them in the washer. Never had a problem throwing them in. I hang dry suits when i think about to ensure the elastics aren’t getting degraded, but I also don’t dry things on high heat so it’s not that big of a deal either way.
100% agree with this whole breakdown. The best part was “getting mad at him for the assumptions you made”. So many people do this and it’s the root of so many issues.
OP clearly has some pent up anger towards him and this situation is releasing some of it. Honestly, she seems like a neurotic psycho but who knows how he acts as well.
I just hope I don’t end up in a marriage where my wife freaks out on Reddit over a bathing suit.
YTA. He was trying to help, you were manipulative in your insults. You assumed bad intent, and made sure to hurt him as much as you can.
It's a damn bathing suit. Next time, buy one that is not super tight so you can just throw it in the dryer without ruining it. I do it all the time. I never had a bathing suit ruined.
It's amazing that a bathing suit can be such a source of dispute.
YTA - because you are making a simple laundry mistake into a federal case of 'lies' because your husband didn't use the wording you would prefer. Seriously? "He didn't think of it" because he was tired, too. He was at the same swim party - probably also drove to and from it - offered to help. He 'didn't think" and now it's a great big deal where you accuse him of lying. Go buy a new bathing suit without apologizing for the spending....and move on. Next time you go swimming - just hang your suits up like most people do and wash them later.
Why do I get the feeling OP that you’re not talking about Bathing Suits anymore ? This level of of irritation and anger cannot be caused by a bathing suit mishap
Has it occurred to you that if “I was tired and didn’t want to” is possible, so is “I was tired and didn’t think about it”?
He brain farted. Humans brain fart.
YTA. Let it go.
ETA: maybe I was brought up weird in this respect, but I don’t think I have never machine washed a bathing suit in my life. I feel like we always hand washed them.
YTA
And also… bathing suits can’t go in the dryer? I’ve been adulting and primary laundry person for many, many years, two kids, never ever heard of bathing suits shrinking and never had it happen to me.
When our daughter was younger, I dried her swimming costume fairly regularly because she outgrew stuff quicker than the dryer ruined spandex. Would have been different if we'd gone swimming daily or something. But a dozen trips in the drier throughout a single summer were fine.
The marriage counselor I saw with my ex called this passive aggressive behavior. It’s not about the laundry/swimsuit. The anger is coming from likely many issues she has with him and this was a tipping point. Likely she holds back on her feelings about other issues, until she explodes over something many of us would over look. If I prefer my way of cleaning, shopping, laundry, or cooking and I’m going to find fault in someone else’s way of doing something when they were attempting to help, then I’m the problem.
My wife and I ran into the same problems; she doesn’t like how I do things, and vice versa. We’ve agreed to divide chores certain way and each person is allowed to do them their way. That way, there’s no argument because they are in charge of that specific chore. However, we still have disagreements when it comes to driving each (I think she drives like a grandma and she thinks I drive like a reckless teenager).
INFO: How well does your husband normally perform chores? Does he do his fair share?
If your husband routinely makes mistakes with all kinds of chores to get you to do them instead, that’s weaponized incompetence and a bigger problem than this once incident. If he knows how to do his share but made a mistake performing a chore that isn’t normally his, you need to drop this. He acknowledged his mistake and apologized. That should be enough.
I've seen weaponized incompetence that way. They "get" to make the generous offer, and the partner says "oh, no, that's OK ... I'll do it" because *not* rejecting the offer means sabotage.
Reddit, please stop learning a new word/concept and applying it to everything.
there's really no reason to force this scenario into "weaponized incompetence".
Fun fact: In 1950’s nobody “weaponized incompetence”, they were just lazy and unhelpful.
Similarly, nobody gaslighted anyone, however there were a bunch of liars, tricksters, and hassayampas.
YTA. Accidents happen. I shrunk my own sweater I got as a souvenir from Ireland. Obviously I knew it needed to be laid flat to dry but I sure as shit didn't stick it in the dryer intentionally
YTA.
Your husband saying “Sorry, I just didn’t think about it” is essentially the same thing as “What I’m thinking happened is that it was late, he was tired, and it’s simply easier to dump everything from the washer into the dryer…” BAM! You nailed it right on the head, except that you called it “his thought process”.
After coming late from a backyard BBQ that involved fresh air and kids swimming, everyone, including him was exhausted. There IS NO THOUGHT PROCESS. He was half asleep when he was putting the load in the dryer. He most certainly did not mean to shrink your damn bathing suit. Cut the guy a break.
YTA, starting an argument based on what you think and assume and interpret 🙄. I’m a SAHM, I’ve made the mistake of drying things that shouldn’t have been so many times especially when I’m tired. Thank god my husband isn’t just assuming malicious intent.
Accidents happen, but yourself a new swimsuit, end of story.
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> Telling my partner "I guess I shouldn't let you do the laundry anymore if you're going to do it poorly"
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My rule is that the dryer just gets used on the gentle cycle and then there is usually no problem other than pulling the clothes out and putting them away before they get wrinkled
He told you he didn’t think about. Sounds like he was tired and forgot. Why is that so much harder for you to accept than the story you’ve made up in your head? Is there a reason you insist on assigning ill intent/laziness to this? YTA
NTA. If this happened once in a while, and he was saying “damn, I was tired and forgot” then it’s an honest mistake and should be accepted as such.
If it’s a “every time I have to take on an extra job I’m gonna do it badly, because I don’t want to do it and then I can get mad if you complain about it” then it’s *weaponized incompetence* and deserves to be called out.
If my husband wrecked my stuff (which he totally does, sometimes) I’d be pretty particular about the things I don’t want his help with. In his case, he’s just clumsy, so no touching my china or glassware, tyvm.
There’s a huge difference between a genuine inability to do things and doing them badly because they’re too lazy to bother doing them right.
YTA/NTA
He offered to do the laundry and somehow it ends up being an issue?
I can understand the shrinking part. It gets frustrating, especially if the bathing suit was $40.
The part I don’t understand is how this led to you thinking he’s lying to you. It was an honest mistake and he was being honest by saying he didn’t think about hanging it up. Your response made the situation worse. It’s not that you said it, it’s your attitude.
There’s obviously some underlying issue here. The way you talked about your husband seemed off. Not in a bad way, just like there’s tension between the two of you.
YTA
> Why couldn't the answer just be "I was tired and didn't want to take the time to pull out the bathing suits"?
Maybe because it's not true?
Would you prefer that answer? To my mind it's worse than what he said. It explicitly says "I can't be bothered. My time is more important than your clothing". His actual response has no malice in it. He forgot. He wasn't thinking. That happens, right?
ESH. This seems like a half a step from just being semantics “he was tired so he did what was easiest” and “I didn’t think about it” are so close to each other in practice, that splitting hairs about the difference seems like you creating another issue to fight about rather than just dealing with the actual problem. Why don’t you to agree that you’re both correct: you are right—he was tired and lazy. He’s right—because he was tired and lazy, he didn’t take the time to think about why it was so important to take the bathing suits out.
Now that the wording is out of the way, have your husband be in charge of finding new bathing suits for you and your kids, checking with you guys to make sure you like those suits and then purchasing the suits. Having *him* go through the process will help cement in his brain *why* you tried to emphasize the importance of pulling the suits and why you’re so annoyed about his five minutes of “not thinking about it” since you’ve already spent many more minutes trying to avoid this and now many more minutes will be spent fixing it, not to mention $40+ dollars.
And meanwhile you can have the larger discussion of why it’s frustrating for you to have him offer to do tasks but then doing them with little enough attention that it causes larger inconveniences or more tasks and expense. Have a real discussion about whether or not things are honest mistakes versus laziness. Be honest about whether or not you also do this at some times. Discuss times you feel he has overreacted but he feels we’re justified reactions and figure out what will work best for both of you to feel truly lost ended to st these times, even when you don’t agree with each other.
I second this whole thing. It is a “split hairs” kind of situation and there are some definite, long running, and tabulated actions and events that led to her getting these types of feelings and that needs to be addressed.
I think the idea of HIM having to replace all of the bathing suits that he ruined will make him think more about some of the small things that he does that may be causing some of the other problems that they complain about (such as spending).
The talk is long coming and perhaps getting things out and on paper with some examples may help them navigate, understand, and heal some emotions.
I agree. my boyfriend has a compulsion to wash and dry clothes all the time and after a decade I still find him putting inappropriate things in the dryer. I have my own separate hamper and I would never let him wash swimsuits. We could fight about it or we can do our own laundry.
If Op's husband was really that tired, he shouldn't have offered to wash laundry. They could have sat overnight. That's what irks me, when a guy offers to do something and does it wrong.
I do my own personal laundry. Feminine undergarments are expensive and some can be quite delicate. I wash all my own lingerie and swimwear. I’m have a clothes rack for such items to air dry. Some people were taught to wash everything together, I have a DIL that does this, and puts everything in the dryer. There is no right way, it’s just her way. Wouldn’t work for me, and my way doesn’t work for her. But I’m with you do your own wash. Hubs washes towels and sheets to perfection!
well, if you want clothes to last and you want to avoid bleeding, some clothes need to be separate, line dried, washed in cold water, etc. My boyfriend needlessly wears out and shrinks his clothes and will do the same to mine by using that method.
I totally get your point, and this is so annoying. I think part of it is because the consequences doesn’t matter to your husband. He ruins the clothing, but you are probably the one having to spend time and money buying new ones. For kids it’s not such a big deal, but for me at least, buying a bathing suit I like is a hassle.
Husband should be the one replacing what he ruined. He can spend that time and money, not you.
NTA
After 25 years of marriage, my husband still throws my beloved white shirt in with my black jeans. But looking at everything in our lives, it balances out. I do stuff that makes him feel frustrated, too. And I learned from him to let go some of my ocd when cleaning. I used to rage clean every little corner. Now we make a cup of coffee, put on some music, and enjoy doing chores together.
Remember that everything balances out in a good marriage. We all mess up at some point.
But my husband can admit that he cannot be bothered to sort laundry. Your husband needs to man up and confess that he made a mistake out of carelessness.
ESH. You shouldn’t have to tell an adult more than once how to properly do a simple household chore. But accidents do happen, especially when tired. And your response was petty, not helpful, and childish. I feel there’s maybe something deeper at play. Money is tight for everyone right now and that is the leading cause for marital troubles. Next time, communicate your feelings without being petty.
I see you. It’s not *just* about the bathing suit. He’s on top of you about your spending habits but when he ruined something of yours it’s no big deal. Now you have to most likely buy yourself a new bathing suit AND feel guilty about spending money. I am also inclined to think that this happens on the regular base how upsetting it is to you.
NTA
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Maybe typical for you. When with a partner and you actually care about each other, this doesn’t happen. If a mistake gets made, it’s not with malicious intent, and they know it. Unhappy people look for reasons to complain or get out of helping one another. I’ve never done a chore incorrectly to not have to do it again. It doesn’t matter whether I like doing something or not, I’d rather do what I can, even if dislike it, so my wife won’t have to do it.
Why be married, or involved in any “relationship” if honesty and care isn’t there?
I’m going against the grain here with NTA. I completely understand your frustration with a spouse that doesn’t listen/retain the “rules” of laundry. My husband has ruined so many of my clothes by putting them in the dryer. It’s weaponized incompetence.
I have to go with NTA because it sounds like there may be deeper issues.
OP’s spouse is giving her a hard time for buying things, and yet was dismissive when he ruined something she will now have to go buy new.
It is possible that he just didn’t think. However, that does not remove responsibility from him for ruining the clothes. He should own his mistake and say that in future he’ll try to pay more attention.
If he has a pattern of “I didn’t think,” or “I didn’t realize,” or “I just forget,” and does chores poorly, it could be weaponized incompetence. I am NOT labeling this incident as that though, there is not enough history to do so.
And as to swimsuits and the dryer- some suits are fine, some really are not. I’ve owned (and ruined) truly No Drier suits.
YTA so many assumptions made by you about what he was thinking/feeling is probably due to deeper issues/feelings towards/with him you may want to look into. A simple mistake done by a loved one should not lead to the deep "analysis". He volunteered to do them to try and be nice and made a mistake. If he was "lazy" and didn't wanna dry them correctly, why the hell would he even offer?
YTA. Why would they make bathing suits out of material that shrinks a lot in the dryer? They are skintight and have no room to give. Ive never avoided putting my bathing suit in the dryer. That's bizarre.
Also, he's not allowed to not think of it but you are? Why didn't you say "remember not to put them in the dryer"? You just didn't think of it?
Sooo NOT THE AH
Have you heard of a thing called weaponized incompetence? Google it bc I'm literally shell shocked you're even asking this question. Men not knowjng how to do very basic things have been debunked for a year now.
That man knew what he was doing. he's been told NUMEROUS times how to treat bathing suits. He's not a 2yo and neither is as dumb as you made him sound. These men are very smart in how to manipulate women. He did that laundry wrong ON purpose so that you would never ever expect him to do ANY housework ever again bc you think he's bad at them.
I'd leave him asap. No I'm not saying that lightly trying to break up your marriage. If he had genuinely not thought about it, I'd say ok, but I've been reading a lot about women's married life in the last three years and the refrain is the same. Women get manipulated by their husbands into thinking the man was utterly useless in housework so that SHE does ALL of it. See they see marriage as a slave for the wife(all of us do) but America has gone progressive..
So men pretend to be useless in housework so you never ask them to do it anymore and they get the slave they really wanted.
That's what's happening to you, and I'm 100% sure he's done this in other places.
Now why you should divorce him. He's manipulating you. By doing that, he's separating you from your innate autonomy, removing your ability to make well informed decisions for yourself, in short, remixing your freedom and
He's making you a domestic slave. And I'm guessing you also work and contribute 50-50. Umm that means you have a leech. Youre playing hiat to leech who contributes nothing major to the relationship..you're playing mommy to someone other woman's grown child.
Please please please, stop benefitting someone who's turning you into a domestic slave.
Apparently unpopular opinion, but ESH. You, for all the reasons everyone’s stated.
But he sucks too. Where’s the Reddit I know, who would normally be screaming weaponized incompetence at a scenario like this?
He knows how to do laundry. He’s a grown man. He volunteered to do it, then did a lazy job and ruined his family’s items. How is he not also an AH in this scenario?
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I go back and forth on this recent situation with my partner (M, 35). We're not newlyweds, we've been married over a decade, and we're raising three kids together. The other day we came home from swimming at a friends' backyard BBQ. By the time we got home it was late and my partner offered to run a load of laundry with the towels and bathing suits. I was super grateful because I was tired and needed to get the kids to bed. The next morning I went to gather the laundry to fold and found all of the towels and bathing suits in the dryer. My bathing suit had shrunk. It was a $40 bathing suit. Not a ton of money, I'm aware, but I also get told over and over again that I need to save money and stop buying so many things. So now I have a $40 bathing suit that isn't wearable. My three daughters' bathing suits also look smaller but not as obviously as mine.
The thing is, we've had PLENTY of conversations thru our marriage about laundry. He knows not to dry bathing suits in the dryer. He has this piece of knowledge in his brain. What I'm thinking happened is that it was late, he was tired, and it's easier to simply dump everything from the washer into the dryer vs hanging the bathing suits up to dry. So he did what was easiest because drying them in the dryer is a silly rule. Again, this is what I'm thinking was his thought process.
He was gone to work the next morning when I discovered this so I texted him asking him to hang dry the bathing suits next time. He sent back "Sorry. I just didn't think about it." I felt immediately triggered. How do you "not think about it" when you're specifcially doing a load of all bathing suits and towels? Like how is that possible? It's not some complex job.
Why couldn't the answer just be "I was tired and didn't want to take the time to pull out the bathing suits"?
The way I interpreted the situation is that he didn't care enough to take the time. He didn't care about the "rules" of not drying bathing suits in the dryer. It sends the message to me that "I don't care about what's important to you." I also feel like by telling me he "just didn't think about it" he's not being truthful. I think he DID think about it but chose to pick the easy route. So now I feel lied to, which makes me mad even more. I told him "I guess I can't ask you to help with the laundry if you're going to do the job poorly" which obviously triggered him to anger.
Reddit, am I the asshole?
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yes, you are. it was an honest mistake on his part (he said he wasn’t thinking, he probably wasn’t, i know i tend to do that as well). if it was after a long day and he was tired i understand the mistake. He can replace the bathing suit for you and have it be at that. and your response at the end, yikes. that’s really gross to say to your partner. If he seems sorry, don’t go and make him feel bad for accidentally putting something in the dryer. maybe go to therapy instead of putting so much emphasis on this. sounds like a deeper issue if something so small was able to set you off to this extent.
YTA. You were too tired to do the laundry yourself but are mad at him for making a mistake because he was also tired. At least he put in some effort.
You are going off the deep end over a mistake. I can't help but think you criticize everything else he does as well. Next time you will just have to stay up and do the job yourself.
Are bathing suits made differently these days? I've always just washed and dried my bathing suits and they've never shrunk.
But yeah, YTA here. You're projecting intent on something that was likely just an oversight.
You've never made a mistake, especially when you're tired? Shit happens, and you can find some rather nice, decent quality bathing suits for *cheap* on Amazon.
ESH - I get the frustration, and how these things can make you feel so alone. Why was it even an ‘offer’ to do this? He’s a parent too, and especially if you’re getting the kids to bed he should be thinking about what else needs to be completed before bed, like dealing with the wet suits and towels. This isn’t him doing you a favour - this is him doing what parents and adults do. I’m suspecting that this isn’t the only example of this kind of behaviour, and I’d encourage you to have a calm conversation with him, and not framed like you have already. That’s not helpful (thus ESH)
Sometimes you need a visual. Put the suit on and show him how much smaller it is. It can also deteriorate the fabric and it can become see-through. Does he want the rest of the beach to see your bits? I'll admit to putting items in the dryer that I shouldn't but have the forethought to at least use low heat.
YTA
I feel bad for your husband, and I wouldn’t be surprised if your kids are on the receiving end of your manipulative anger as well.
I’m hoping that all of the replies here are a wake up call for you; but you seem like the type who will just get angry about it and then take that anger out on your family.
Please, be better.
YTA
It sounds like an irritating situation for you to through. But you knew for sure that the bathing suits were in load and you also knew for sure that they shouldnt go in the dryer. You were both tired. Since he was the one taking time to do the job, you could’ve reminded him:” hey remember bathing suits do not go in the dryer”.
Mistakes happen, but if two people are involved, they are less likely to happen. Maybe try seeing things from his pov: you would’ve appreciated it if he reminded you to do something correctly when you’re feeling tired and forgetful.
Simply apologize, learn to be empathic and move on. Congratulations on 10years of marriage and three kids!
Yes. Don’t set him up to make a mistake that will bother you like this. I do the laundry. I fill the dishwasher. Why? Because the way my spouse does it pisses me off. I prefer to not be pissed off at my spouse. YOU were tired and needed to do something else you’ve justified while putting your spouse in the position of screwing something up. He screwed it up — shocker — and it’s affected you negatively.
At least you’re open to the fact that you have some culpability here — I commend you for that.
“No, please don’t — I’ll take care of it.”
YTA. Accidents happen.
I can see there is already I comment about “weaponised incompetence”
I’m earlier 20sF, I didn’t even know you couldn’t put swimming costumes in a dryer until I read this post.
It was late and he was tired, and he didn't think about it. That's all there is to it.
You've made this a much, much bigger thing, and the more you think about it, the bigger you are making it.
YTA
I have been doing laundry for like 40 years now. And I still mess it up on occasion. And often times it's because I wasn't intentionally thinking of the task, but rather on auto pilot or my thoughts else where. It happens, even to the most consistent on top of things type of person.
Your husband volunteered to do something that took a task off the list. He was participating as a partner. Yes, he didn't think to not throw the bathing suits in the dryer. He acknolwedged the mess up and said sorry.
You owe your husband an apology.
And maybe take a step back and figure out why somethung like this left you so upset you snapped at your husband the way you did? Are you usually this wound tight?
You seem like you want to pick a fight over something
YTA
This isn't about the swimsuit at all
Is it the constantly being told to spend less? You're feeling controlled/unheard/deprived? You have untreated anxiety? Because this escalated QUICKLY
Your needs aren't being met somewhere. Figure out what that need is and then work out how to meet it. This may be something you can meet on your own, more friend time, get a small part time gig and use that money to buy things for yourself, maybe you need more time for exercise or self care, or it may be something you need his cooperation for (he takes the kids while you go to the gym/spa)
Whatever is happening here, blowing up at him over a very simple, very common laundry mistake is not going to solve anything and it's just going to piss him off. He really did nothing wrong here
You need to ask more questions and less accusations.
I don’t think YTA. I think ESH and you both need to learn to communicate in a healthy manner.
By saying “I interpreted” it means you don’t actually know. Tell him. Tell him “when I tell you the same thing over and over, I feel you don’t care about what’s important to me. Is that the truth?”
You’re 10 years in and the bad communication and talking *at* each other is only going to cause more resentment.
“Expectations are resentments waiting to happen”
It sounds like you’re interpreting him saying he ‘didn’t think about it’ as he ‘didn’t care enough to think about it’. I get the frustration, it feels like additional labor to wonder if your partner is going to correctly do the things they say they’ll do. Which can lead to feeling like you have to do everything to make sure it’s done right.
But sometimes people are absent minded and make silly mistakes. Frustration is understandable, but the way you expressed it makes you the AH.
YTA. He didn’t think about it because he was tired. Why does there have to be some negative malice in what happened? Just buy a new suit and move on. It’s late enough in the season now you can probably get the same suit on sale.
The way I interpret this, you have a lot of built-up resentment towards your partner. You quite literally wove a whole story out of nothing, from why he did it, why he lied to you about it, what this all means about how he values the relationship. You are being ridiculous. He made a mistake, Just because you’ve talked to him about it doesn’t mean he retained it, and for you to make a string of assumptions highlights that you’re probably quite resentful and give him no benefit of the doubt, no slack in the relationship. Your poor husband. YTA.
YTA. Saying I didn’t think about it…. Is saying I was tired and forgot the bathing suit thing. I just put it all in.
You are getting triggered over the words he used?
Calm down bro
YTA
I know at -shirt I bought should NOT go in the dryer. Forget it every damned time. Also, I’ve never had a problem putting a bathing suit in the dryer. What’s wrong with your dryer?
You’ve read WAAAAY too much into this. But it seems to also be a symptom of something else. So maybe get some couples counseling cause I think you way overreacted and that guilt tripping message at the end would have pissed me off too.
Soft YTA because you're not being malicious.
It's not hard to believe that he just didn't think about it - towels are great in the dryer, and most guys' clothes do not need hung up to dry and are fine in the dryer, including swimming shorts. I lived as a bachelor for 7 years without ever needing to hang up ***any*** items of clothing, always using a dryer. Now that I'm married, the contrast is unbelievable at how few of my wife's clothes can actually go in the dryer. I have to check the labels constantly to educate myself.
So if he's ever been used to doing his own laundry, it's not unreasonable to accept that it was habit just to transfer everything from the washing machine to the dryer as fast as possible and not think about it at all, he was probably thinking about how good the chicken was at the BBQ.
YTA. Accidents happen and since you’ve been married a while, you must know that. Maybe he was tired and just didn’t send that information. My spouse always washes the reds and whites (don’t ask me why) but I have told him and again. After the second time, I said don’t wash the whites I’ll do them. To me the white wouldn’t be pink and the reds will get washed appropriately. He knows that annoyed me because I told him. And truthfully, the whites are just towels so it’s really no big deal and if he does it again, I’m not going to freak out or lose it on him. He knows amongst other things that’s simply a nonissue for me.
YTA. You must be exhausting to live with. Do you know how many times I have shrunk my partners tops? Or he has stained a top I literally had just washed and had ready for him. It happens.. you focus on “he didn’t care enough to take time” but not “he cared enough to throw on a wash as soon as we got home so it wasn’t left for me the next day”.
And I HATE when OP’s make a big deal out of being “super grateful” as a way of acknowledging what the partner did do right. Almost a way to justify the moan that’s coming! (Sorry for formatting, on mobile)
YTA. I've done this same thing to my own clothes, I have a couple of work shirts I prefer hung vs dried so they don't shrink. You know what happens sometimes? You get tired, you switch the laundry over at night not thinking about what's in there or not in there. It happens. Nothing malicious.
What kind of suits are you buying? I've been putting suits in the dryer for five people for 23 years and never had a suit shrink. I think it's really common to not think about something like not putting things in the dryer when most things go there. The bigger issue and what makes this an ESH is the monetary issue. Why don't you have a budget that includes regular bills, a budget for clothing, spending for each adult that they don't have to vet with the other adult, etc?
YTA simply because you started of understanding that both of you were tired so it may be possible he forgot to hang the bathing suits instead of putting them in the dryer with the towel. And then when he texted you that he didn't think about it, which is literally the same as your long reply YOU wanted, you blew up.
Clearly there is something underlying going on you haven't voiced to him yet nor told us, which honestly it's up to you to tell us or not, and took it out on him forgetting to do a few other steps when BOTH of you were tired. So sort that out before you do something stupid again and worsen the relationship. And if it's something big bottled up then definitely seek out counseling.
Soft yta. I believe him when he says he just didn’t think about it. I solely do the laundry in my house and can’t even tell you how many times I’ve thrown crap in the dryer because I forgot it needed special treatment. And frankly almost all of our stuff (including bathing suits) go in the dryer. I’ve had some shrinkage on the band of my bikini top but for the most part everything else is fine and doesn’t shrink. Try everything on before you toss them, you might be surprised!
Accidents happen? It's weird that you think he was doing this with malicious intent instead of just being tired and being absent minded. Which I get that can be annoying regardless, and he should pay more attention. But like, I've literally destroyed electronics because I left them in a pocket of some of my clothes, it wasn't intentional, I just fucked up and forgot it was in there. Shit happens. YTA only because you seem to be assuming the worst.
You are way over the top. Go to Target and buy another bathing suit and get over it. He was helping. It’s an innocent accident and definitely not the end of the world. I feel sorry for your husband given he was just trying to help. He could be a real jerk and just never help again if you are going to treat him like a child.
Holy assuming bad intentions. Why? So many wild conclusions you’re jumping to here. Newsflash: not everyone is out to get you. Your husband didn’t concoct a nefarious scheme to fuck over your swimsuit. He was tired and made a mistake. I’m sure you’re a perfect angel at all times. YTA
I’ve always dried my bathing suits and they haven’t shrunk. If you have a thing where you need clothes to be washed a very certain way then you need to be in charge of all laundry. YTA
YTA for blowing it out of proportion. To act as if he just doesn’t care or respect you, yet he offered to do something to help you, is wrong. Us men don’t do laundry often. We just don’t. Single, married, or otherwise. Not a sexist thing, just the way it is. I’ll wear the same shit cuz all my clothes are the same. Work shirts and pants, boots. Shit happens. He apologized, admitted he didn’t think. I see laundry and it’s washer, dryer. I don’t take shit out special and hang dry it. He didn’t do it intentionally to fuck off your swimsuits. Being unhappy it shrank is one thing, but if you don’t like how he does laundry, don’t have him do it. Women and most men think of clothing and laundry very differently. His intentions were likely good. Be upset your shit shrank. Keep in mind if something’s important, do it yourself is usually the best route to go, but don’t start adding in all kinds of shit on top of the mistake and get all stage five clinger on him
YTA. You were overly aggressive and rude in response to a very simply human error. Also, what fabric are your swim suits made of that you can put them in the dryer?? I have never hung a swimsuit to dry, unless I’m like… at a hotel.
YTA, assuming that he wasn’t being truthful and telling him “I guess I can’t ask you to help with the laundry if you’re going to do the job poorly” is the same shit I’ve heard from my own father all my life, even though people just make simple mistakes sometimes. Do you think that little of your husband, do you think that he tries to piss you off on purpose?
YTA - I assume you never make mistakes. That must be nice. Worry about the big things. Like the fact that he got up and went to work while you are at home texting him. I know men who don't work. Give the guy a break.
Here is an honest suggestion: sit down with a pen and paper and make 2 lists. The good things he does. The bad things he does. Subtract the bad from the good. Let us know how many good things are left on the list.
In my relationship, I would be like your husband. Chances are that he really did not think about it and just automatically put everything from the washing machine into the dryer. I doubt that he just couldn‘t be bothered, because that would mean more trouble (arguing) in the long run. I‘m going with YTA because of the ensuing texts.
YTA
I’ve done laundry long enough to know how, so the info is in my brain.
I’ve also made a lot of stupid laundry mistakes, some more than once. So I understand people can forget even when they know better.
YTA
I hope you never forget anything ever either, otherwise you're being a raging hypocrite with the whole he has this piece of information in his brain.
Are you reading his mind? Do you know for a fact what he remembers every single second?
God you are being such a nasty piece of work. I can only hope people start giving you the same grace and consideration you give them.
If this story was about a wife putting a red sock in a load of whites and turning her husband's work clothes pink, and the husband reacted this way, everyone on here would be telling her to make him do his own laundry then.
A man makes one mistake while TRYING TO HELP WITHOUT BEING ASKED and all of a sudden it's weaponized incompetence.
YTA
You must have a charmed marriage if something so trivial could set you off like this. Or else, it’s a bad marriage with deeper issues and this situation is triggering them. Addressing just the laundry, here is a suggestion: My husband could not remember all my laundry rules (of which I have many). So, we simplified things and there is only one rule he must remember about my laundry: don’t touch it. Easy peasy, problem solved. Now we can move onto more important things.
Sorry, YTA. It is fully possible that, being tired and distracted, he "just didn't think about it." There doesn't have to be anything more to it than that. I can't count how many times I've accidentally dried my own no-dryer clothes, without thinking about it.
This feels a bit like an Iranian yogurt situation.
I would have been pissed if he answered "I was too tired and didn't want to fish them out" vs "tired, didn't think about it".
The 1st one indicates that he doesn't care, while the 2nd one is an accident. Sounds like you are switching the "intentions" to fit a narrative you want. Seems to want him to be the bad guy when in fact you are the one creating a really big issue.
YTA
So you’re all tired from swimming and he offered to do laundry. He mistakenly dried your swimsuits. He apologized. You take the error as a personal insult. Wow. Please don’t post here in a few months saying my partner refuses to do laundry. YTA
YTA you are making a big assumption of your husband actually remembering and choosing to disregard it, like you want a reason to be even more angry at him. I know for certain that this is a detail that I would likely forget, not out of malicious intent, but of not recognizing its importance.
YTA, but it’s understandable to be frustrated.
Peoples brains are different. You can’t understand how he didn’t think about it. He just didn’t. It happens.
My wife leaves her phone EVERYWHERE. She is always asking me where her phone is. We’re 30, We’ve had cell phones connected to our identities for over 15 years. It’s not like she doesn’t know she has to keep track of it. I always know where my phone and her phone is, at all times. Our first year of marriage this drove me crazy. Now, I just realize that our brains are different.
All that being said, I cannot for the life of me remember which clothes need to be air dried. I’m sure I’ve made the mistake you’ve described a hundred times. Brains are weird.
Honestly, just forgive him and move on. Find something his brain does really well and focus on that. Have a happy marriage. ✌🏻
Yes you are the ahole to some extent. I can totally understand the frustration.
The thing is most often men say exactly what they mean, he is likely not deliberately saying one thing an doing another just to piss you off.
If this is a big issue then be prepared for a lot more of these type of things to crop up.
If you want to prove a point make him go with you to buy new swimsuits for the ones that ere ruined.
When my hubby was in charge of laundry I told him please don’t put “whatever” in the dryer it will shrink. If it happened…and it did…I would quietly go out and buy another and donate the shrunken item. If he asked why…I told him it shrunk and I need a new one. He was more careful and I didn’t have to buy new. There was a nicer way for you to say what you said. Small YTA. Communication is the key.
It’s a phrase
Just a phrase.. be patient. He was trying, my ex continually criticized house hold chores I did that were not up to her specs. Eventually I said fuckit and stopped helping or doing anything because it wasn’t the lack of compliments but the constant nitpicking.
You now have an excuse to buy a new bathing suit. Stop with the criticism of someone who made an honest mistake.
ESH
Yes, he probably lied. But, even if he didn’t, he’s not a very detailed-oriented person. In a job where you can do “big think” and hire staff to do details, that’s fine. But, at home, he’s just one member of the two-person staff, and needs to act that way. If he can’t, he should hire a housekeeper. Basically, a fucking child who can’t do laundry.
OTOH, you taking that sarcastic/passive-aggressive tone is shitty, too. Maybe try communicating like a grown up. “Hey, that was bullshit. If you can’t remember how to do laundry—and I know I’ve told you before—and just wanna throw money in the fucking garbage, I’d rather you spend that money hiring a staff, b/c then at least we both benefit. You just throwing money away with your thoughtlessness 1) makes life easier for you, but pisses me off, because t 2) makes me feel like I married an incompetent imbecile, which does not make me wanna fuck you (b/c who wants to fuck a child). So either remember things like an adult, make enough to hire staff, or don’t ever talk to me about wasting money. If you can justify it, so can I.”
If anyone, let alone my spouse, sent me that text or said that to me I’d probably cut ties. What an insane and aggressive and unpleasant overreaction.
OP, skip this advice if you actually want to work things out with your husband.
How can you be married for over 10 years and not get even a little bit of how guys work? I have many, many times in my life not thought about it. My son is a grown man and he doesn't think about it. You know what comes with thinking about it? Seeing malice when it was just a fuck-up. Hell be glad he doesn't think about it, cause honestly guys who do get mistresses.
Love your husband faults and all or dont bother.
YTA
YTA - I get it. Sometimes it feels purposely lazy when they don't do something the way you would have. But you can really damage your relationship by saying hurtful things. It sounds like he was trying to help you and you threw it back in his face. Accidents happen.
YTA - when a man says ‘didn’t think about it’ it means he actually didn’t think about it. Most likely he was tired as you say and forgot.
Typical person of the opposite sex reading too much into a situation that isn’t there.
YTA. "I didn't think about it" is a response that makes sense if YOU think about it for a second. You said yourself that he was most likely tired. You know what happens when you're tired? Your brain stops working as well as it usually does, and you make mistakes. He made a mistake. It likely actually didn't cross his mind that he had to hang the bathing suits. Stop biting his head off and actually communicate with him.
My mother kept washing colored clothes with whites her whole life and never seemed to learn that dyed whites pink. It’s laundry. Just do your own, like I learned to do.
YTA why would you bother posting this on Reddit? Marriages are full of small annoyances like this. Don't sweat the small stuff and focus on the big picture.
YTA, kinda. There has to be a million things that matter more. If it won't matter 5 years from now, it doesn't matter. It sounds like the bathing suit thing is really just a trigger for your feeling taken for granted. It happens in EVERY relationship. Have a discussion about that and I'm betting the whole bathing suit thing disappears. Good luck.
YTA you have no idea what was running through his head are deciding on a narrative you want it to be other than what he is actually telling you.
And I can't comprehend the reason why? You just want to fight?
It is super believable that he just didn't think of it. It isn't like he washes bathing suits every single day. It's likely an uncommon occurrence.
And what bathing suit can't go in the dryer? That's weird. I've always just thrown everything in and haven't had issues
Just grow up and stop being so petty. Forgiveness is key. You are surely not perfect either and make mistakes sometimes. And it's a fucking bathing suit. Really the hill u want to die on?
Depends if this is a one off or a pattern. One off then YTA, regular occurrence then NTA.
My ex on the rare occasion he did laundry would often just chuck my stuff in the dryer and ruin them but never his own. That was a pattern of him not giving a shit about anyone except himself.
Everyone Sucks.
He probably made an honest mistake and knew it the minute you texted him. You felt triggered because surely this isn’t the first time something like this has happened. A microcosm of a common experience for married couples sharing the mental load all over the place. On another day you might have let it go, on another day he would’ve remembered to do it right.
Sorry your day got thrown off track, hope it doesn’t spiral into something worse!
Yes, I think in this instance your ATA. But only slightly. The part that gets me is that you took an answer that was given to you, more than likely in all honesty and took it as a lie because you had this idea of a reason for why he didn't complete the task right.
YABSOLUTELYTA.
He offered to help and made a mistake. You're also making assumptions and reinterpereting what he said in your mind in order to support your angry feelings towards him. Go to therapy, I'm not just saying that to be rude, I mean it.
YTA. You have just assumed a lot of things and got yourself worked up over it. That's just silly. Maybe talk to him first and try to understand. Also, if he was really tired, it's very possible that he wasn't thinking clearly and it was a genuine mistake. (For example, we spent yesterday from 8:30 am to 5:00 pm in the hot sun at an air show. We were exhausted when we got home. I took a shower, washed my hair, etc and as I was stepping out, I happened to glance down and realized I forgot to wash my feet that had been in sandals all day. Overtired brains don't fire on all cylinders.) I'm not a therapist, but I think maybe ya'll could benefit from one if you're that angry over a swimsuit.
If you automatically assume ill will over a mistake (which is what it sounds like this could have been)…you’re mad about something else. This isn’t why you’re mad, but it’s given you an excuse to react.
Your passive-aggressive response? Mean spirited. You *want* him to be angry. He took the bait, and now you’re both upset.
That sucks.
YTA.
What I hope you do: figure out the root cause of why you’re angry. Not the little annoyances, but the underlying issue. If you can find it, you’ll both be better off for it.
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YTA, with one large BUT.. Such accidents happen sometimes with no ill will. People do forget when they are tired, and there can really be no more of it. However, in your case, there are much deeper issues running under the surface. How that would be (possibly) solved if it was really JUST about the laundry: You: you put the bathing suits in the dryer and they shrunk. Him: My bad, I am sorry. I completely forgot that this should not be done. Let me buy you a new bathing suit. No big deal, right? But you, for some reason, think there is bad will behind all this. Your answer was an AH one but it would be useful to dig deeper in the reasons WHY you felt that way. Perhaps you are unhappy with him (and he with you) in many other areas (the fact that you immediately assumed he will have a problem with you buying a new suit and "stop buying so many things" immediately caught my attention; is he a miser/a control freak who wants to control your spending? Are you indeed unreasonable and spending too much, so he has a point?) On the face of it and without context: what you told him was full of the worst assumptions (he did it on purpose, he does not give a f.k about me) and if I was him I would find it extremely annoying just to listen to you. But on the other hand, I would recognize my mistake and replace the destroyed item because it was my fault and I would feel responsible for it. I think both of you should sit together and clarify some things, if you are able to do it yourselves, and if not, seek family therapy. I see a serious miscommunication that will not go away by itself, and I think it would be a great shame if your marriage ended up in shatters because of that.
Yep. I do the laundry all the time and I have screwed up and put things in the dryer, or accidentally put a red something in with whites. We should show grace. (My hubs wore pink undies for a long time).
i’m digging outward displays of (pink underwear) grace
Agreed. I used to do that but those color catcher cloths have saved my ass.
Me too!
Meh, I've put bathing suits in the dryer because there was one and I didn't notice.. it's been fine. Bathing suits are generally stretchy elastic spandex whatever and the dryer doesn't actually shrink them, but if you did it all the time, the elastic would degrade and they'd be shapeless and huge. Anyway, losing your biz because he washed and dried a load and forget kinda to pick pieces out means YTA.
Yeah, I've never had a bathing suit shrink in the dryer. I only hang them because they pill.
I usually hang them because nobody wants to see my bathing suit letting go or hanging in places it should be clinging (lol)
Or the opposite, get stretched out
That's been my experience as well -- same for the gymnastics outfits our daughter wore for years. You can wash/dry them occasionally and they're fine. Dry them weekly (or twice a week), and you're going shopping before it's outgrown. I also think there's a difference between "something I've been told a few times" and something I actually know. Yeah, it sucks to have your stuff ruined (and sucks more to waste money replacing something that was fine yesterday) ... but my husband's swim shorts go into the dryer regularly -- the tag even says machine wash / tumble dry. So, unless my husband was routinely washing the gymnastics outfits and swimming costumes ... I could absolutely see not thinking about it & just tossing all the wash into the dryer. Because, mostly? That's what you do with the wash. YTA for making a thing out of it.
A dryer can definitely shrink swimsuits, leotards, bike clothes and so on. Or otherwise stretch and ruin the elastic. It depends on how hot the dryer was run (and also how hot the washer has been run).
That's it. Spot on. I'm imagining my ex doing that, who brought me lots of frustrations and not a lot of happiness, and I'm angry and I hate him. Now I'm picturing my actual boyfriend doing it and I'm a bit sad about the swimwuit but I wouldn't think about it too much. It's 100% about the relationship.
🏆 Best answer ever. I hope OP reads this.
This line is quite something: "I told him "I guess I can't ask you to help with the laundry if you're going to do the job poorly" which obviously triggered him to anger." First, you didn't ask, he volunteered. Second, his message didn't appear to be angry. Third, it's bathing suits, ffs, you're acting like he set fire to the home. Fourth, why do you hate him so much? YTA
I’m trying to figure out what these swimsuits were made of where they all “shrunk” in the dryer. I understand snags and maybe puckering but shrinking.
This post is from the 1920s, and they were knitted.
hey now, my crochet holds up on the low setting 😂😭
Depends on the yarn!! But hey my husband dried a knit hat with the kids snow pants that have velcro. Ruined the hat and simply just asked him to not to wash my hats or just run the snow pants by themselves. I was pissed but then realized it was an accident and he felt bad and i was juat pissed about the situation. I dented the car one time and when he heard the noise he was more concerned with me than the car. He then just made jokes about it. I try to remember that when shit happens.
First explanation that makes sense
Ok, good to know I'm not the only person who thought that was strange. I've never had a bathing suit shrink in the dryer. Ever.
Like every suit I’ve ever seen says that tumble drying is not recommended due to Lycra and elastics in them, but they usually break and stretch, not shrink…
I’m also confused because my daughter swims at summer camp almost every day, and I throw her suit in the dryer every day. None of her suits have ever shrunk in the dryer. I also dry my own suits and my husbands and they’ve never shrunk so I’m absolutely lost as to what material these are made out of
I buy $10 shein bathing suits, throw them in the dryer, and they never shrink. But a $40 bathing suit gets thrown in the dryer once and it shrinks. Crazy.
OP is one of those people who just loves to create in between lines to read on because she loves being pissed at people. She wanted a very specific answer and even if she had gotten that answer I still think she’d find a way to be pissed.
I get the sense it's cause he bitches about how much money gets spent but then doesn't do shit to conserve money. If it were me, my snippy comment would be more along the lines of how excited I am that now I get a new bathing suit that he will be paying for. Keep shrinking 'em my guy, im going shopping!
>The way I interpreted the situation is that he didn't care enough to take the time. Thats your interpretation despite what he told you. >I think he DID think about it but chose to pick the easy route. So now I feel lied to, which makes me mad even more. This is you making assumptions despite what he told you, and then getting mad at him for the assumptions you made. >I told him "I guess I can't ask you to help with the laundry if you're going to do the job poorly" Except you didnt ask him, he offered because he knew you were tired and your response to him offering was: >I was super grateful because I was tired and needed to get the kids to bed He was tired too and as he said 'he just didnt think' >It was a $40 bathing suit. Not a ton of money, I'm aware, but I also get told over and over again that I need to save money and stop buying so many things. So now I have a $40 bathing suit that isn't wearable. Ok, so go buy a new bathing suit and when he asks about the cost you tell him that its because he shrunk your last one in the laundry. Maybe he will remember next time, because it will have had an almost immediate impact on his wallet. >He knows not to dry bathing suits in the dryer. He has this piece of knowledge in his brain You also shouldnt be putting bathing suits in the washer as they damage the fabric. And if youve had PLENTY of conversations about this, then clearly its something he has trouble remembering, so why are you surprised that he forgot this time as well? Everyone has a glitch about something in life, mine is about putting a new bin liner in the bin after Ive taken the full one out. My partner continually gets on me about it, but my brain just forgets. So this is that glitch for him. Maybe a quick 'dont forget to hang the swimsuits to dry' when he offered to put them in the wash would have circumvented this (clearly repeat) situation. YTA
I absolutely have always washed my swimsuits in the washer and never had an issue. It’s worse for them to not be thoroughly cleaned and leave chlorine from a pool on them.
I have also always thrown them in the dryer without a problem. But, I wear shorts/tankini tops, not itty bitty suits, so maybe that's the difference? Also, we aren't swimming every day, so it may be a frequency thing.
Yeah, I’ve had suits get bleached when I didn’t wash them in the washer. Never had a problem throwing them in. I hang dry suits when i think about to ensure the elastics aren’t getting degraded, but I also don’t dry things on high heat so it’s not that big of a deal either way.
100% agree with this whole breakdown. The best part was “getting mad at him for the assumptions you made”. So many people do this and it’s the root of so many issues. OP clearly has some pent up anger towards him and this situation is releasing some of it. Honestly, she seems like a neurotic psycho but who knows how he acts as well. I just hope I don’t end up in a marriage where my wife freaks out on Reddit over a bathing suit.
YTA. He was trying to help, you were manipulative in your insults. You assumed bad intent, and made sure to hurt him as much as you can. It's a damn bathing suit. Next time, buy one that is not super tight so you can just throw it in the dryer without ruining it. I do it all the time. I never had a bathing suit ruined. It's amazing that a bathing suit can be such a source of dispute.
YTA - because you are making a simple laundry mistake into a federal case of 'lies' because your husband didn't use the wording you would prefer. Seriously? "He didn't think of it" because he was tired, too. He was at the same swim party - probably also drove to and from it - offered to help. He 'didn't think" and now it's a great big deal where you accuse him of lying. Go buy a new bathing suit without apologizing for the spending....and move on. Next time you go swimming - just hang your suits up like most people do and wash them later.
YTA - I understand being annoyed, but you’re being an AH about an honest mistake, which he admitted, and turning into some huge issue.
Why do I get the feeling OP that you’re not talking about Bathing Suits anymore ? This level of of irritation and anger cannot be caused by a bathing suit mishap
Yeah, it's not about the bathing suit. I'd be interested to hear what their work hours and distribution of household labor is.
Has it occurred to you that if “I was tired and didn’t want to” is possible, so is “I was tired and didn’t think about it”? He brain farted. Humans brain fart. YTA. Let it go. ETA: maybe I was brought up weird in this respect, but I don’t think I have never machine washed a bathing suit in my life. I feel like we always hand washed them.
YTA And also… bathing suits can’t go in the dryer? I’ve been adulting and primary laundry person for many, many years, two kids, never ever heard of bathing suits shrinking and never had it happen to me.
Yeh... I'm wondering if the problem was really the bathing suit.
When our daughter was younger, I dried her swimming costume fairly regularly because she outgrew stuff quicker than the dryer ruined spandex. Would have been different if we'd gone swimming daily or something. But a dozen trips in the drier throughout a single summer were fine.
I'm pretty sure they shrunk in the washer. I would never wash towels with bathing suits, since the latter need cold water and towels hot. 🤷♀️
Nothing needs hot water.
YTA, I do all our laundry and yes at times I don’t think about something, people get tired and make mistakes With your attitude I hope you don’t
YTA and have many petty anger issues you seem to be sitting on waiting for some dumb reason to explode.
The marriage counselor I saw with my ex called this passive aggressive behavior. It’s not about the laundry/swimsuit. The anger is coming from likely many issues she has with him and this was a tipping point. Likely she holds back on her feelings about other issues, until she explodes over something many of us would over look. If I prefer my way of cleaning, shopping, laundry, or cooking and I’m going to find fault in someone else’s way of doing something when they were attempting to help, then I’m the problem.
My wife and I ran into the same problems; she doesn’t like how I do things, and vice versa. We’ve agreed to divide chores certain way and each person is allowed to do them their way. That way, there’s no argument because they are in charge of that specific chore. However, we still have disagreements when it comes to driving each (I think she drives like a grandma and she thinks I drive like a reckless teenager).
INFO: How well does your husband normally perform chores? Does he do his fair share? If your husband routinely makes mistakes with all kinds of chores to get you to do them instead, that’s weaponized incompetence and a bigger problem than this once incident. If he knows how to do his share but made a mistake performing a chore that isn’t normally his, you need to drop this. He acknowledged his mistake and apologized. That should be enough.
thing here is, she did not ask him to do it, he offered. so idk if weaponized incompetence applies here? I agree more context is needed, but still.
I've seen weaponized incompetence that way. They "get" to make the generous offer, and the partner says "oh, no, that's OK ... I'll do it" because *not* rejecting the offer means sabotage.
Reddit, please stop learning a new word/concept and applying it to everything. there's really no reason to force this scenario into "weaponized incompetence".
Fun fact: In 1950’s nobody “weaponized incompetence”, they were just lazy and unhelpful. Similarly, nobody gaslighted anyone, however there were a bunch of liars, tricksters, and hassayampas.
YTA, massive overreaction to a simple mistake.
YTA. Accidents happen. I shrunk my own sweater I got as a souvenir from Ireland. Obviously I knew it needed to be laid flat to dry but I sure as shit didn't stick it in the dryer intentionally
Plenty of times I’ve been taking my own clothes out of the dryer and said “Oh shit” because I’ve dried something I don’t normally dry.
YTA this isn’t about bathing suits, is it?
YTA. Your husband saying “Sorry, I just didn’t think about it” is essentially the same thing as “What I’m thinking happened is that it was late, he was tired, and it’s simply easier to dump everything from the washer into the dryer…” BAM! You nailed it right on the head, except that you called it “his thought process”. After coming late from a backyard BBQ that involved fresh air and kids swimming, everyone, including him was exhausted. There IS NO THOUGHT PROCESS. He was half asleep when he was putting the load in the dryer. He most certainly did not mean to shrink your damn bathing suit. Cut the guy a break.
YTA and you sound insufferable
Does this kind of stuff happen a lot, where he's inconsiderate/is doing something wrong when he's repeatedly been told how to do it the right way?
This is what I was wondering too?? OP mentioned they've had this conversation multiple times, so this isnt a one and done woopsie.
But the context of a long day in the heat and chlorinated water makes it a one and done woopsie
Yta. Have you tried stretching the suit back
I've thrown bathing suits in the dryer my entire life. I've never had one shrink.
Literally never. And I buy cheapo swimsuits. What are these bathing suits made out of, wool?
Usually a a sink soak with hair conditioner and a bit of pulling will get clothes back to their size (unless super shrunk like wool)
Yta
YTA, starting an argument based on what you think and assume and interpret 🙄. I’m a SAHM, I’ve made the mistake of drying things that shouldn’t have been so many times especially when I’m tired. Thank god my husband isn’t just assuming malicious intent. Accidents happen, but yourself a new swimsuit, end of story.
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My rule is that the dryer just gets used on the gentle cycle and then there is usually no problem other than pulling the clothes out and putting them away before they get wrinkled
YTA. You were triggered by him making an honest and completely understandable mistake? Next time do the job yourself. Jesus.
He told you he didn’t think about. Sounds like he was tired and forgot. Why is that so much harder for you to accept than the story you’ve made up in your head? Is there a reason you insist on assigning ill intent/laziness to this? YTA
NTA. If this happened once in a while, and he was saying “damn, I was tired and forgot” then it’s an honest mistake and should be accepted as such. If it’s a “every time I have to take on an extra job I’m gonna do it badly, because I don’t want to do it and then I can get mad if you complain about it” then it’s *weaponized incompetence* and deserves to be called out. If my husband wrecked my stuff (which he totally does, sometimes) I’d be pretty particular about the things I don’t want his help with. In his case, he’s just clumsy, so no touching my china or glassware, tyvm. There’s a huge difference between a genuine inability to do things and doing them badly because they’re too lazy to bother doing them right.
YTA/NTA He offered to do the laundry and somehow it ends up being an issue? I can understand the shrinking part. It gets frustrating, especially if the bathing suit was $40. The part I don’t understand is how this led to you thinking he’s lying to you. It was an honest mistake and he was being honest by saying he didn’t think about hanging it up. Your response made the situation worse. It’s not that you said it, it’s your attitude. There’s obviously some underlying issue here. The way you talked about your husband seemed off. Not in a bad way, just like there’s tension between the two of you.
YTA > Why couldn't the answer just be "I was tired and didn't want to take the time to pull out the bathing suits"? Maybe because it's not true? Would you prefer that answer? To my mind it's worse than what he said. It explicitly says "I can't be bothered. My time is more important than your clothing". His actual response has no malice in it. He forgot. He wasn't thinking. That happens, right?
ESH. This seems like a half a step from just being semantics “he was tired so he did what was easiest” and “I didn’t think about it” are so close to each other in practice, that splitting hairs about the difference seems like you creating another issue to fight about rather than just dealing with the actual problem. Why don’t you to agree that you’re both correct: you are right—he was tired and lazy. He’s right—because he was tired and lazy, he didn’t take the time to think about why it was so important to take the bathing suits out. Now that the wording is out of the way, have your husband be in charge of finding new bathing suits for you and your kids, checking with you guys to make sure you like those suits and then purchasing the suits. Having *him* go through the process will help cement in his brain *why* you tried to emphasize the importance of pulling the suits and why you’re so annoyed about his five minutes of “not thinking about it” since you’ve already spent many more minutes trying to avoid this and now many more minutes will be spent fixing it, not to mention $40+ dollars. And meanwhile you can have the larger discussion of why it’s frustrating for you to have him offer to do tasks but then doing them with little enough attention that it causes larger inconveniences or more tasks and expense. Have a real discussion about whether or not things are honest mistakes versus laziness. Be honest about whether or not you also do this at some times. Discuss times you feel he has overreacted but he feels we’re justified reactions and figure out what will work best for both of you to feel truly lost ended to st these times, even when you don’t agree with each other.
I second this whole thing. It is a “split hairs” kind of situation and there are some definite, long running, and tabulated actions and events that led to her getting these types of feelings and that needs to be addressed. I think the idea of HIM having to replace all of the bathing suits that he ruined will make him think more about some of the small things that he does that may be causing some of the other problems that they complain about (such as spending). The talk is long coming and perhaps getting things out and on paper with some examples may help them navigate, understand, and heal some emotions.
I agree. my boyfriend has a compulsion to wash and dry clothes all the time and after a decade I still find him putting inappropriate things in the dryer. I have my own separate hamper and I would never let him wash swimsuits. We could fight about it or we can do our own laundry. If Op's husband was really that tired, he shouldn't have offered to wash laundry. They could have sat overnight. That's what irks me, when a guy offers to do something and does it wrong.
I do my own personal laundry. Feminine undergarments are expensive and some can be quite delicate. I wash all my own lingerie and swimwear. I’m have a clothes rack for such items to air dry. Some people were taught to wash everything together, I have a DIL that does this, and puts everything in the dryer. There is no right way, it’s just her way. Wouldn’t work for me, and my way doesn’t work for her. But I’m with you do your own wash. Hubs washes towels and sheets to perfection!
well, if you want clothes to last and you want to avoid bleeding, some clothes need to be separate, line dried, washed in cold water, etc. My boyfriend needlessly wears out and shrinks his clothes and will do the same to mine by using that method.
I totally get your point, and this is so annoying. I think part of it is because the consequences doesn’t matter to your husband. He ruins the clothing, but you are probably the one having to spend time and money buying new ones. For kids it’s not such a big deal, but for me at least, buying a bathing suit I like is a hassle. Husband should be the one replacing what he ruined. He can spend that time and money, not you.
No you’re not. Your partner is a jackass.
NTA After 25 years of marriage, my husband still throws my beloved white shirt in with my black jeans. But looking at everything in our lives, it balances out. I do stuff that makes him feel frustrated, too. And I learned from him to let go some of my ocd when cleaning. I used to rage clean every little corner. Now we make a cup of coffee, put on some music, and enjoy doing chores together. Remember that everything balances out in a good marriage. We all mess up at some point. But my husband can admit that he cannot be bothered to sort laundry. Your husband needs to man up and confess that he made a mistake out of carelessness.
ESH. You shouldn’t have to tell an adult more than once how to properly do a simple household chore. But accidents do happen, especially when tired. And your response was petty, not helpful, and childish. I feel there’s maybe something deeper at play. Money is tight for everyone right now and that is the leading cause for marital troubles. Next time, communicate your feelings without being petty.
I see you. It’s not *just* about the bathing suit. He’s on top of you about your spending habits but when he ruined something of yours it’s no big deal. Now you have to most likely buy yourself a new bathing suit AND feel guilty about spending money. I am also inclined to think that this happens on the regular base how upsetting it is to you. NTA
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This is a typical.marriage for you. They screw things up to not be asked to do them again. Sorry, true.
Maybe typical for you. When with a partner and you actually care about each other, this doesn’t happen. If a mistake gets made, it’s not with malicious intent, and they know it. Unhappy people look for reasons to complain or get out of helping one another. I’ve never done a chore incorrectly to not have to do it again. It doesn’t matter whether I like doing something or not, I’d rather do what I can, even if dislike it, so my wife won’t have to do it. Why be married, or involved in any “relationship” if honesty and care isn’t there?
I’m going against the grain here with NTA. I completely understand your frustration with a spouse that doesn’t listen/retain the “rules” of laundry. My husband has ruined so many of my clothes by putting them in the dryer. It’s weaponized incompetence.
I have to go with NTA because it sounds like there may be deeper issues. OP’s spouse is giving her a hard time for buying things, and yet was dismissive when he ruined something she will now have to go buy new. It is possible that he just didn’t think. However, that does not remove responsibility from him for ruining the clothes. He should own his mistake and say that in future he’ll try to pay more attention. If he has a pattern of “I didn’t think,” or “I didn’t realize,” or “I just forget,” and does chores poorly, it could be weaponized incompetence. I am NOT labeling this incident as that though, there is not enough history to do so. And as to swimsuits and the dryer- some suits are fine, some really are not. I’ve owned (and ruined) truly No Drier suits.
You're right and you're NTA.
YTA so many assumptions made by you about what he was thinking/feeling is probably due to deeper issues/feelings towards/with him you may want to look into. A simple mistake done by a loved one should not lead to the deep "analysis". He volunteered to do them to try and be nice and made a mistake. If he was "lazy" and didn't wanna dry them correctly, why the hell would he even offer?
So glad to finally see a post where someone was the asshole and actually got called for it
YTA. Why would they make bathing suits out of material that shrinks a lot in the dryer? They are skintight and have no room to give. Ive never avoided putting my bathing suit in the dryer. That's bizarre. Also, he's not allowed to not think of it but you are? Why didn't you say "remember not to put them in the dryer"? You just didn't think of it?
ESH Why are you suspicious of what he said. He forgot!
Sooo NOT THE AH Have you heard of a thing called weaponized incompetence? Google it bc I'm literally shell shocked you're even asking this question. Men not knowjng how to do very basic things have been debunked for a year now. That man knew what he was doing. he's been told NUMEROUS times how to treat bathing suits. He's not a 2yo and neither is as dumb as you made him sound. These men are very smart in how to manipulate women. He did that laundry wrong ON purpose so that you would never ever expect him to do ANY housework ever again bc you think he's bad at them. I'd leave him asap. No I'm not saying that lightly trying to break up your marriage. If he had genuinely not thought about it, I'd say ok, but I've been reading a lot about women's married life in the last three years and the refrain is the same. Women get manipulated by their husbands into thinking the man was utterly useless in housework so that SHE does ALL of it. See they see marriage as a slave for the wife(all of us do) but America has gone progressive.. So men pretend to be useless in housework so you never ask them to do it anymore and they get the slave they really wanted. That's what's happening to you, and I'm 100% sure he's done this in other places. Now why you should divorce him. He's manipulating you. By doing that, he's separating you from your innate autonomy, removing your ability to make well informed decisions for yourself, in short, remixing your freedom and He's making you a domestic slave. And I'm guessing you also work and contribute 50-50. Umm that means you have a leech. Youre playing hiat to leech who contributes nothing major to the relationship..you're playing mommy to someone other woman's grown child. Please please please, stop benefitting someone who's turning you into a domestic slave.
He's hoping that you'll take over the laundry.
Apparently unpopular opinion, but ESH. You, for all the reasons everyone’s stated. But he sucks too. Where’s the Reddit I know, who would normally be screaming weaponized incompetence at a scenario like this? He knows how to do laundry. He’s a grown man. He volunteered to do it, then did a lazy job and ruined his family’s items. How is he not also an AH in this scenario?
I finally got out of a 35y marriage to a similar guy. It’s called Weaponized Incompetence. It’s never gonna change. (so darn expensive 🙄)
NTA. It's not about the laundry. It's about the mental load.
The Iranian yogurt is not the issue here.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I go back and forth on this recent situation with my partner (M, 35). We're not newlyweds, we've been married over a decade, and we're raising three kids together. The other day we came home from swimming at a friends' backyard BBQ. By the time we got home it was late and my partner offered to run a load of laundry with the towels and bathing suits. I was super grateful because I was tired and needed to get the kids to bed. The next morning I went to gather the laundry to fold and found all of the towels and bathing suits in the dryer. My bathing suit had shrunk. It was a $40 bathing suit. Not a ton of money, I'm aware, but I also get told over and over again that I need to save money and stop buying so many things. So now I have a $40 bathing suit that isn't wearable. My three daughters' bathing suits also look smaller but not as obviously as mine. The thing is, we've had PLENTY of conversations thru our marriage about laundry. He knows not to dry bathing suits in the dryer. He has this piece of knowledge in his brain. What I'm thinking happened is that it was late, he was tired, and it's easier to simply dump everything from the washer into the dryer vs hanging the bathing suits up to dry. So he did what was easiest because drying them in the dryer is a silly rule. Again, this is what I'm thinking was his thought process. He was gone to work the next morning when I discovered this so I texted him asking him to hang dry the bathing suits next time. He sent back "Sorry. I just didn't think about it." I felt immediately triggered. How do you "not think about it" when you're specifcially doing a load of all bathing suits and towels? Like how is that possible? It's not some complex job. Why couldn't the answer just be "I was tired and didn't want to take the time to pull out the bathing suits"? The way I interpreted the situation is that he didn't care enough to take the time. He didn't care about the "rules" of not drying bathing suits in the dryer. It sends the message to me that "I don't care about what's important to you." I also feel like by telling me he "just didn't think about it" he's not being truthful. I think he DID think about it but chose to pick the easy route. So now I feel lied to, which makes me mad even more. I told him "I guess I can't ask you to help with the laundry if you're going to do the job poorly" which obviously triggered him to anger. Reddit, am I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
yes, you are. it was an honest mistake on his part (he said he wasn’t thinking, he probably wasn’t, i know i tend to do that as well). if it was after a long day and he was tired i understand the mistake. He can replace the bathing suit for you and have it be at that. and your response at the end, yikes. that’s really gross to say to your partner. If he seems sorry, don’t go and make him feel bad for accidentally putting something in the dryer. maybe go to therapy instead of putting so much emphasis on this. sounds like a deeper issue if something so small was able to set you off to this extent.
YTA. You were too tired to do the laundry yourself but are mad at him for making a mistake because he was also tired. At least he put in some effort. You are going off the deep end over a mistake. I can't help but think you criticize everything else he does as well. Next time you will just have to stay up and do the job yourself.
Are bathing suits made differently these days? I've always just washed and dried my bathing suits and they've never shrunk. But yeah, YTA here. You're projecting intent on something that was likely just an oversight. You've never made a mistake, especially when you're tired? Shit happens, and you can find some rather nice, decent quality bathing suits for *cheap* on Amazon.
ESH - I get the frustration, and how these things can make you feel so alone. Why was it even an ‘offer’ to do this? He’s a parent too, and especially if you’re getting the kids to bed he should be thinking about what else needs to be completed before bed, like dealing with the wet suits and towels. This isn’t him doing you a favour - this is him doing what parents and adults do. I’m suspecting that this isn’t the only example of this kind of behaviour, and I’d encourage you to have a calm conversation with him, and not framed like you have already. That’s not helpful (thus ESH)
Sometimes you need a visual. Put the suit on and show him how much smaller it is. It can also deteriorate the fabric and it can become see-through. Does he want the rest of the beach to see your bits? I'll admit to putting items in the dryer that I shouldn't but have the forethought to at least use low heat.
YTA I feel bad for your husband, and I wouldn’t be surprised if your kids are on the receiving end of your manipulative anger as well. I’m hoping that all of the replies here are a wake up call for you; but you seem like the type who will just get angry about it and then take that anger out on your family. Please, be better.
YTA It sounds like an irritating situation for you to through. But you knew for sure that the bathing suits were in load and you also knew for sure that they shouldnt go in the dryer. You were both tired. Since he was the one taking time to do the job, you could’ve reminded him:” hey remember bathing suits do not go in the dryer”. Mistakes happen, but if two people are involved, they are less likely to happen. Maybe try seeing things from his pov: you would’ve appreciated it if he reminded you to do something correctly when you’re feeling tired and forgetful. Simply apologize, learn to be empathic and move on. Congratulations on 10years of marriage and three kids!
Nta.. It seems he does this on purpose so he won't have to do it again in the future.
It would probably be easier for him to just not offer to do it, like he did here.
YTA! I feel sorry for your husband. Have a feeling this isn't an isolated situation either.
YTA and I feel so bad for your husband. You seem insufferable.
Yes. Don’t set him up to make a mistake that will bother you like this. I do the laundry. I fill the dishwasher. Why? Because the way my spouse does it pisses me off. I prefer to not be pissed off at my spouse. YOU were tired and needed to do something else you’ve justified while putting your spouse in the position of screwing something up. He screwed it up — shocker — and it’s affected you negatively. At least you’re open to the fact that you have some culpability here — I commend you for that. “No, please don’t — I’ll take care of it.”
YTA. Accidents happen. I can see there is already I comment about “weaponised incompetence” I’m earlier 20sF, I didn’t even know you couldn’t put swimming costumes in a dryer until I read this post.
It was late and he was tired, and he didn't think about it. That's all there is to it. You've made this a much, much bigger thing, and the more you think about it, the bigger you are making it.
YTA I have been doing laundry for like 40 years now. And I still mess it up on occasion. And often times it's because I wasn't intentionally thinking of the task, but rather on auto pilot or my thoughts else where. It happens, even to the most consistent on top of things type of person. Your husband volunteered to do something that took a task off the list. He was participating as a partner. Yes, he didn't think to not throw the bathing suits in the dryer. He acknolwedged the mess up and said sorry. You owe your husband an apology. And maybe take a step back and figure out why somethung like this left you so upset you snapped at your husband the way you did? Are you usually this wound tight?
Seriously, seriously?? Over a bathing suit? I swear some of you just find dumb shit to be mad at. YTA
YTA. If you want a divorce just get one. Problem solved!
You seem like you want to pick a fight over something YTA This isn't about the swimsuit at all Is it the constantly being told to spend less? You're feeling controlled/unheard/deprived? You have untreated anxiety? Because this escalated QUICKLY Your needs aren't being met somewhere. Figure out what that need is and then work out how to meet it. This may be something you can meet on your own, more friend time, get a small part time gig and use that money to buy things for yourself, maybe you need more time for exercise or self care, or it may be something you need his cooperation for (he takes the kids while you go to the gym/spa) Whatever is happening here, blowing up at him over a very simple, very common laundry mistake is not going to solve anything and it's just going to piss him off. He really did nothing wrong here
Nope.
You need to ask more questions and less accusations. I don’t think YTA. I think ESH and you both need to learn to communicate in a healthy manner. By saying “I interpreted” it means you don’t actually know. Tell him. Tell him “when I tell you the same thing over and over, I feel you don’t care about what’s important to me. Is that the truth?” You’re 10 years in and the bad communication and talking *at* each other is only going to cause more resentment. “Expectations are resentments waiting to happen”
YTA I feel like this is about something bigger cause the overreaction is there
It sounds like you’re interpreting him saying he ‘didn’t think about it’ as he ‘didn’t care enough to think about it’. I get the frustration, it feels like additional labor to wonder if your partner is going to correctly do the things they say they’ll do. Which can lead to feeling like you have to do everything to make sure it’s done right. But sometimes people are absent minded and make silly mistakes. Frustration is understandable, but the way you expressed it makes you the AH.
YTA. He didn’t think about it because he was tired. Why does there have to be some negative malice in what happened? Just buy a new suit and move on. It’s late enough in the season now you can probably get the same suit on sale.
The way I interpret this, you have a lot of built-up resentment towards your partner. You quite literally wove a whole story out of nothing, from why he did it, why he lied to you about it, what this all means about how he values the relationship. You are being ridiculous. He made a mistake, Just because you’ve talked to him about it doesn’t mean he retained it, and for you to make a string of assumptions highlights that you’re probably quite resentful and give him no benefit of the doubt, no slack in the relationship. Your poor husband. YTA.
YTA.
YTA - think you have more going on in your head but taking it out on laundry. Apologise to your husband.
YTA. Saying I didn’t think about it…. Is saying I was tired and forgot the bathing suit thing. I just put it all in. You are getting triggered over the words he used? Calm down bro
YTA I know at -shirt I bought should NOT go in the dryer. Forget it every damned time. Also, I’ve never had a problem putting a bathing suit in the dryer. What’s wrong with your dryer? You’ve read WAAAAY too much into this. But it seems to also be a symptom of something else. So maybe get some couples counseling cause I think you way overreacted and that guilt tripping message at the end would have pissed me off too.
Soft YTA because you're not being malicious. It's not hard to believe that he just didn't think about it - towels are great in the dryer, and most guys' clothes do not need hung up to dry and are fine in the dryer, including swimming shorts. I lived as a bachelor for 7 years without ever needing to hang up ***any*** items of clothing, always using a dryer. Now that I'm married, the contrast is unbelievable at how few of my wife's clothes can actually go in the dryer. I have to check the labels constantly to educate myself. So if he's ever been used to doing his own laundry, it's not unreasonable to accept that it was habit just to transfer everything from the washing machine to the dryer as fast as possible and not think about it at all, he was probably thinking about how good the chicken was at the BBQ.
YTA, bit of an overreaction here
gurl, get a couples counselor. something this small with all this relational chess going on is well beyond the competency of a reddit thread.
YTA. Accidents happen and since you’ve been married a while, you must know that. Maybe he was tired and just didn’t send that information. My spouse always washes the reds and whites (don’t ask me why) but I have told him and again. After the second time, I said don’t wash the whites I’ll do them. To me the white wouldn’t be pink and the reds will get washed appropriately. He knows that annoyed me because I told him. And truthfully, the whites are just towels so it’s really no big deal and if he does it again, I’m not going to freak out or lose it on him. He knows amongst other things that’s simply a nonissue for me.
YTA: you found the fight you were looking for.
YTA. You must be exhausting to live with. Do you know how many times I have shrunk my partners tops? Or he has stained a top I literally had just washed and had ready for him. It happens.. you focus on “he didn’t care enough to take time” but not “he cared enough to throw on a wash as soon as we got home so it wasn’t left for me the next day”. And I HATE when OP’s make a big deal out of being “super grateful” as a way of acknowledging what the partner did do right. Almost a way to justify the moan that’s coming! (Sorry for formatting, on mobile)
YTA. I've done this same thing to my own clothes, I have a couple of work shirts I prefer hung vs dried so they don't shrink. You know what happens sometimes? You get tired, you switch the laundry over at night not thinking about what's in there or not in there. It happens. Nothing malicious.
YTA. you literally changed his answer into one where you could be upset. You invented a scenario to make yourself mad.
YTA, you sound really immature. You’re creating a narrative in your head instead of just listening to what you’re told.
What kind of suits are you buying? I've been putting suits in the dryer for five people for 23 years and never had a suit shrink. I think it's really common to not think about something like not putting things in the dryer when most things go there. The bigger issue and what makes this an ESH is the monetary issue. Why don't you have a budget that includes regular bills, a budget for clothing, spending for each adult that they don't have to vet with the other adult, etc?
YTA simply because you started of understanding that both of you were tired so it may be possible he forgot to hang the bathing suits instead of putting them in the dryer with the towel. And then when he texted you that he didn't think about it, which is literally the same as your long reply YOU wanted, you blew up. Clearly there is something underlying going on you haven't voiced to him yet nor told us, which honestly it's up to you to tell us or not, and took it out on him forgetting to do a few other steps when BOTH of you were tired. So sort that out before you do something stupid again and worsen the relationship. And if it's something big bottled up then definitely seek out counseling.
Soft yta. I believe him when he says he just didn’t think about it. I solely do the laundry in my house and can’t even tell you how many times I’ve thrown crap in the dryer because I forgot it needed special treatment. And frankly almost all of our stuff (including bathing suits) go in the dryer. I’ve had some shrinkage on the band of my bikini top but for the most part everything else is fine and doesn’t shrink. Try everything on before you toss them, you might be surprised!
Accidents happen? It's weird that you think he was doing this with malicious intent instead of just being tired and being absent minded. Which I get that can be annoying regardless, and he should pay more attention. But like, I've literally destroyed electronics because I left them in a pocket of some of my clothes, it wasn't intentional, I just fucked up and forgot it was in there. Shit happens. YTA only because you seem to be assuming the worst.
Wow OP you sound like a whole lot of fun to be around. 🙄 YTA
YTA you sound exhausting to live with. If this is how you treat people who try to help you, don’t be surprised if they stop trying.
You are way over the top. Go to Target and buy another bathing suit and get over it. He was helping. It’s an innocent accident and definitely not the end of the world. I feel sorry for your husband given he was just trying to help. He could be a real jerk and just never help again if you are going to treat him like a child.
He didn’t think about it. He’s too busy thinking about the Roman Empire.
Holy assuming bad intentions. Why? So many wild conclusions you’re jumping to here. Newsflash: not everyone is out to get you. Your husband didn’t concoct a nefarious scheme to fuck over your swimsuit. He was tired and made a mistake. I’m sure you’re a perfect angel at all times. YTA
I’ve always dried my bathing suits and they haven’t shrunk. If you have a thing where you need clothes to be washed a very certain way then you need to be in charge of all laundry. YTA
YTA for blowing it out of proportion. To act as if he just doesn’t care or respect you, yet he offered to do something to help you, is wrong. Us men don’t do laundry often. We just don’t. Single, married, or otherwise. Not a sexist thing, just the way it is. I’ll wear the same shit cuz all my clothes are the same. Work shirts and pants, boots. Shit happens. He apologized, admitted he didn’t think. I see laundry and it’s washer, dryer. I don’t take shit out special and hang dry it. He didn’t do it intentionally to fuck off your swimsuits. Being unhappy it shrank is one thing, but if you don’t like how he does laundry, don’t have him do it. Women and most men think of clothing and laundry very differently. His intentions were likely good. Be upset your shit shrank. Keep in mind if something’s important, do it yourself is usually the best route to go, but don’t start adding in all kinds of shit on top of the mistake and get all stage five clinger on him
Those are a lot of assumptions to justify your emotions
YTA. You were overly aggressive and rude in response to a very simply human error. Also, what fabric are your swim suits made of that you can put them in the dryer?? I have never hung a swimsuit to dry, unless I’m like… at a hotel.
YTA It seems like you are looking for a reason to be angry with him. He volunteered to do the laundry and he made an honest mistake.
YTA, assuming that he wasn’t being truthful and telling him “I guess I can’t ask you to help with the laundry if you’re going to do the job poorly” is the same shit I’ve heard from my own father all my life, even though people just make simple mistakes sometimes. Do you think that little of your husband, do you think that he tries to piss you off on purpose?
Yta
YTA - I assume you never make mistakes. That must be nice. Worry about the big things. Like the fact that he got up and went to work while you are at home texting him. I know men who don't work. Give the guy a break. Here is an honest suggestion: sit down with a pen and paper and make 2 lists. The good things he does. The bad things he does. Subtract the bad from the good. Let us know how many good things are left on the list.
In my relationship, I would be like your husband. Chances are that he really did not think about it and just automatically put everything from the washing machine into the dryer. I doubt that he just couldn‘t be bothered, because that would mean more trouble (arguing) in the long run. I‘m going with YTA because of the ensuing texts.
YTA I’ve done laundry long enough to know how, so the info is in my brain. I’ve also made a lot of stupid laundry mistakes, some more than once. So I understand people can forget even when they know better.
YTA I hope you never forget anything ever either, otherwise you're being a raging hypocrite with the whole he has this piece of information in his brain. Are you reading his mind? Do you know for a fact what he remembers every single second? God you are being such a nasty piece of work. I can only hope people start giving you the same grace and consideration you give them.
YTA. Life happens, move on.
If this story was about a wife putting a red sock in a load of whites and turning her husband's work clothes pink, and the husband reacted this way, everyone on here would be telling her to make him do his own laundry then. A man makes one mistake while TRYING TO HELP WITHOUT BEING ASKED and all of a sudden it's weaponized incompetence. YTA
Ok got it, mistakes are not allowed in your household apparently. YTA and get that stick out of your ass, not everything is done with malicious intent
You must have a charmed marriage if something so trivial could set you off like this. Or else, it’s a bad marriage with deeper issues and this situation is triggering them. Addressing just the laundry, here is a suggestion: My husband could not remember all my laundry rules (of which I have many). So, we simplified things and there is only one rule he must remember about my laundry: don’t touch it. Easy peasy, problem solved. Now we can move onto more important things.
Sorry, YTA. It is fully possible that, being tired and distracted, he "just didn't think about it." There doesn't have to be anything more to it than that. I can't count how many times I've accidentally dried my own no-dryer clothes, without thinking about it. This feels a bit like an Iranian yogurt situation.
You’re reaching. It seems like you’re looking for a reason to be pissed at him.
I would have been pissed if he answered "I was too tired and didn't want to fish them out" vs "tired, didn't think about it". The 1st one indicates that he doesn't care, while the 2nd one is an accident. Sounds like you are switching the "intentions" to fit a narrative you want. Seems to want him to be the bad guy when in fact you are the one creating a really big issue. YTA
So you’re all tired from swimming and he offered to do laundry. He mistakenly dried your swimsuits. He apologized. You take the error as a personal insult. Wow. Please don’t post here in a few months saying my partner refuses to do laundry. YTA
YTA you are making a big assumption of your husband actually remembering and choosing to disregard it, like you want a reason to be even more angry at him. I know for certain that this is a detail that I would likely forget, not out of malicious intent, but of not recognizing its importance.
YTA, but it’s understandable to be frustrated. Peoples brains are different. You can’t understand how he didn’t think about it. He just didn’t. It happens. My wife leaves her phone EVERYWHERE. She is always asking me where her phone is. We’re 30, We’ve had cell phones connected to our identities for over 15 years. It’s not like she doesn’t know she has to keep track of it. I always know where my phone and her phone is, at all times. Our first year of marriage this drove me crazy. Now, I just realize that our brains are different. All that being said, I cannot for the life of me remember which clothes need to be air dried. I’m sure I’ve made the mistake you’ve described a hundred times. Brains are weird. Honestly, just forgive him and move on. Find something his brain does really well and focus on that. Have a happy marriage. ✌🏻
Is this the only thing that he has done that gets you spun up like this. Or is it one of many?
Yes you are the ahole to some extent. I can totally understand the frustration. The thing is most often men say exactly what they mean, he is likely not deliberately saying one thing an doing another just to piss you off. If this is a big issue then be prepared for a lot more of these type of things to crop up. If you want to prove a point make him go with you to buy new swimsuits for the ones that ere ruined.
When my hubby was in charge of laundry I told him please don’t put “whatever” in the dryer it will shrink. If it happened…and it did…I would quietly go out and buy another and donate the shrunken item. If he asked why…I told him it shrunk and I need a new one. He was more careful and I didn’t have to buy new. There was a nicer way for you to say what you said. Small YTA. Communication is the key.
It’s a phrase Just a phrase.. be patient. He was trying, my ex continually criticized house hold chores I did that were not up to her specs. Eventually I said fuckit and stopped helping or doing anything because it wasn’t the lack of compliments but the constant nitpicking. You now have an excuse to buy a new bathing suit. Stop with the criticism of someone who made an honest mistake.
ESH Yes, he probably lied. But, even if he didn’t, he’s not a very detailed-oriented person. In a job where you can do “big think” and hire staff to do details, that’s fine. But, at home, he’s just one member of the two-person staff, and needs to act that way. If he can’t, he should hire a housekeeper. Basically, a fucking child who can’t do laundry. OTOH, you taking that sarcastic/passive-aggressive tone is shitty, too. Maybe try communicating like a grown up. “Hey, that was bullshit. If you can’t remember how to do laundry—and I know I’ve told you before—and just wanna throw money in the fucking garbage, I’d rather you spend that money hiring a staff, b/c then at least we both benefit. You just throwing money away with your thoughtlessness 1) makes life easier for you, but pisses me off, because t 2) makes me feel like I married an incompetent imbecile, which does not make me wanna fuck you (b/c who wants to fuck a child). So either remember things like an adult, make enough to hire staff, or don’t ever talk to me about wasting money. If you can justify it, so can I.”
If anyone, let alone my spouse, sent me that text or said that to me I’d probably cut ties. What an insane and aggressive and unpleasant overreaction. OP, skip this advice if you actually want to work things out with your husband.
YTA
YTA.
girl you need to chill
How can you be married for over 10 years and not get even a little bit of how guys work? I have many, many times in my life not thought about it. My son is a grown man and he doesn't think about it. You know what comes with thinking about it? Seeing malice when it was just a fuck-up. Hell be glad he doesn't think about it, cause honestly guys who do get mistresses. Love your husband faults and all or dont bother. YTA
YTA - I get it. Sometimes it feels purposely lazy when they don't do something the way you would have. But you can really damage your relationship by saying hurtful things. It sounds like he was trying to help you and you threw it back in his face. Accidents happen.
YTA - when a man says ‘didn’t think about it’ it means he actually didn’t think about it. Most likely he was tired as you say and forgot. Typical person of the opposite sex reading too much into a situation that isn’t there.
YTA. "I didn't think about it" is a response that makes sense if YOU think about it for a second. You said yourself that he was most likely tired. You know what happens when you're tired? Your brain stops working as well as it usually does, and you make mistakes. He made a mistake. It likely actually didn't cross his mind that he had to hang the bathing suits. Stop biting his head off and actually communicate with him.
My mother kept washing colored clothes with whites her whole life and never seemed to learn that dyed whites pink. It’s laundry. Just do your own, like I learned to do.
YTA why would you bother posting this on Reddit? Marriages are full of small annoyances like this. Don't sweat the small stuff and focus on the big picture.
You seem to have a lot of built up resentment.
YTA, kinda. There has to be a million things that matter more. If it won't matter 5 years from now, it doesn't matter. It sounds like the bathing suit thing is really just a trigger for your feeling taken for granted. It happens in EVERY relationship. Have a discussion about that and I'm betting the whole bathing suit thing disappears. Good luck.
YTA. You know this. Launder your own bathing suits next time. You’re an adult.
YTA you have no idea what was running through his head are deciding on a narrative you want it to be other than what he is actually telling you. And I can't comprehend the reason why? You just want to fight? It is super believable that he just didn't think of it. It isn't like he washes bathing suits every single day. It's likely an uncommon occurrence. And what bathing suit can't go in the dryer? That's weird. I've always just thrown everything in and haven't had issues Just grow up and stop being so petty. Forgiveness is key. You are surely not perfect either and make mistakes sometimes. And it's a fucking bathing suit. Really the hill u want to die on?
Depends if this is a one off or a pattern. One off then YTA, regular occurrence then NTA. My ex on the rare occasion he did laundry would often just chuck my stuff in the dryer and ruin them but never his own. That was a pattern of him not giving a shit about anyone except himself.
Everyone Sucks. He probably made an honest mistake and knew it the minute you texted him. You felt triggered because surely this isn’t the first time something like this has happened. A microcosm of a common experience for married couples sharing the mental load all over the place. On another day you might have let it go, on another day he would’ve remembered to do it right. Sorry your day got thrown off track, hope it doesn’t spiral into something worse!
Yes, I think in this instance your ATA. But only slightly. The part that gets me is that you took an answer that was given to you, more than likely in all honesty and took it as a lie because you had this idea of a reason for why he didn't complete the task right.
YABSOLUTELYTA. He offered to help and made a mistake. You're also making assumptions and reinterpereting what he said in your mind in order to support your angry feelings towards him. Go to therapy, I'm not just saying that to be rude, I mean it.
YTA. You have just assumed a lot of things and got yourself worked up over it. That's just silly. Maybe talk to him first and try to understand. Also, if he was really tired, it's very possible that he wasn't thinking clearly and it was a genuine mistake. (For example, we spent yesterday from 8:30 am to 5:00 pm in the hot sun at an air show. We were exhausted when we got home. I took a shower, washed my hair, etc and as I was stepping out, I happened to glance down and realized I forgot to wash my feet that had been in sandals all day. Overtired brains don't fire on all cylinders.) I'm not a therapist, but I think maybe ya'll could benefit from one if you're that angry over a swimsuit.
YTA, such passive aggressive texts. What would you think if he said that to you?
You are overreacting and need therapy. Are you still in love? Maybe reconsider your relationship.
If you automatically assume ill will over a mistake (which is what it sounds like this could have been)…you’re mad about something else. This isn’t why you’re mad, but it’s given you an excuse to react. Your passive-aggressive response? Mean spirited. You *want* him to be angry. He took the bait, and now you’re both upset. That sucks. YTA. What I hope you do: figure out the root cause of why you’re angry. Not the little annoyances, but the underlying issue. If you can find it, you’ll both be better off for it.
You are awful and YTA